15 Simple Ways to Overcome Anger

Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas

Can you recall the last time you were really angry at someone? So much so that you were physically shaken just at the thought of them? Rarely does this feeling of anger help us in getting what we want. Often, it will work against us, resulting in more pain, unnecessarily.

Even the most gentle of personalities can temporarily turn into a vindictive rascal, if pushed far enough.

A friend of mine is going through a divorce with a spouse who is unreasonably prolonging the process. He’s sad, hurt, upset, frustrated and very, very angry. Words of anger and hatred spout out of his – otherwise polite and thoughtful – mouth. He was no longer his authentic and peaceful self. And he didn’t like who he was becoming.

Through helping him come to a place of understanding and forgiveness of his ex-spouse with love, compassion and humility (we had to dig deep), I realized that the same tools can be used in dealing with other negative emotions.

For sake of simplicity, we will use anger as the target emotion to overcome. Keep in mind that it can be applied to overcome other non-conducive and intense emotions such as jealousy, guilt, hatred, regret and fear.

Why Do We Feel Like Crap?

“It’s amazing how much emotion
a little mental concept like ‘my’ can generate.“
- Eckhart Tolle

Anger doesn’t feel very good. It’s pretty gross, actually. Our stomach tightens-up, we become sweaty, we react – instead of act – in survival mode. And anger clouds our judgment causing us to respond wildly out of emotion. We’ve all been there. Sometimes, it can get so intense that we tremble passionately while feeling strong hate towards other people. And when we cool down, we would wonder how we allowed ourselves to get in such a messed up state in the first place.

The answer is: Very easily. Allow me to explain.

Emotion is our body’s response to a thought, which could be triggered by an external situation. But this situation is seen through the lens of our own interpretation. Our lens is colored by the mental concepts unique to each of us; concepts like good and bad, mine and yours, like and dislike, right and wrong. Keep in mind we all have different lenses, thus interpretation conflicts are inevitable.

For example, we feel very little emotion when someone else loses their wallet. But when it is our own money, we suddenly feel pain and the desire to hoard it back to us.

The moment we’ve labeled something as “mine”, we will experience mental distress when we’ve interpreted that we have ‘lost’ it or are at the risk of losing it. Whether it is my wallet, my pride, my money, my house, my car, my job, my child, my stocks, my feelings or my dog, as long as we feel that it is lost or threatened, we will experience pain in the form of anger or other strong negative emotions.

We experience pain, because we have been trained since children to believe that the things which we have labeled as ‘mine’, are something that define who we are. We’ve identified with it and falsely believed that if we lost it, or face losing it, we lose ourselves. Suddenly, our ego has nothing to identify itself by. Who are we? This hurts our ego tremendously.

In our minds, we feel entitled to more, whether it is more money, or more respect, or a better job, or a larger house. Amongst it all, we fail to see that our mind will always want more. Greed is a highly addictive state of mind, always growing, blinding us of reality, while convincing us that we’re doing a reasonable thing.

Common Ingredients of Anger:

Unfairness – We believe that we have been treated unfairly. We tell ourselves that we deserve more, and we buy into this story that someone has wronged us.
Lost - We feel that we have lost something that we have identified ourselves with. Feelings, pride, money, car, job.
Blame – We blame other people or external situations for having caused our loss, for taking advantage of us unfairly. The blame often only resides in our heads and is a product of our imagination. We fail to see things from other people’s perspectives. We become deeply selfish.
Pain - We experience pain, mental distress, and anxiety. The pain causes physical responses in our body, which disturbs our natural energy flow and state of wellbeing.
Focus - We focus on the thing we don’t want, and energize it by complaining about it passionately, and repeating it to as many people who will listen. This creates a downward spiral of anger. “What we focus on expands”, this is true regardless of the emotion.

The interesting thing is that if there are two angry people unhappy with each other, both people feel a sense of loss, unfairness, pain and the need to blame the other person. Who is right? The answer is: both are right and both are wrong.

Why Should We Bother with Overcoming Anger?

Negative emotions like anger kick us into survival mode, as if saying to our body, “we are in danger”. There is a physiological change that takes place in our body to prepare us for fight or flight. These physical responses disrupt the natural flow of energy in our body – affecting our heart, immune system, digestion and hormone production. A negative emotion is therefore toxic to the body and interferes with its harmonious functioning and balance.

Photo: Gabrielle Hennessey

Prolonged anger, stress and holding grudges will hurt our adrenal gland and immune system. For women, stress on the adrenal gland can affect the reproductive organs (uterus, ovaries) causing them to exhibit abnormal behaviors, potentially resulting in sterility.

Aren’t your physical and mental health worth more than the mental pressure you are voluntarily piling onto yourself? Is it worth it to react out of spiteful emotions and hurt feelings, so that we might temporarily satisfy our pride?

Anger also clouds our judgment and we become consumed with problems and pain. Instead of cutting ourselves loose, free from the self-inflicted pain; we make irrational, unreasonable, regretful and hurtful decisions. In the case of divorces, the legal fees alone can drain one’s savings, unnecessarily leaving both parties unhappy and poor. Nobody wins!

The Fundamentals of Change

Notice how quickly we can fall into a negative state of being? A split second, maybe. By the same reasoning it should take us the same amount of time to shift into a resourceful state of being. The challenge here is that we have been conditioned from a very young age to remain in an un-resourceful state. Nobody gave us the tools to shift our state into a positive one. Often, our parents didn’t know how, and still do not know how.

When negative feelings arise, we have two choices,

To follow the habitual pattern we’ve learned since we were young, to react and allow the negativity to consume us.
Or, to interrupt the pattern we have been conditioned to follow, and in doing so build new neural pathways that allows for alternative possibilities.

There are essentially three ways to interrupt a behavioral pattern:

Visual - Change your thoughts.
Verbal – Change your language.
Kinesthetic – Change your physical position.

Okay, let’s dive into the practical stuff…

15 Ways to Overcome Anger

Some of these tools might be more effective for some of us than others. For me, “Look Up!!” has been the most effective (thus, I’m listing it first). I’ve also seen good results where several of these are used in combination.

Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas

1. Look Up!!!

The fastest way to change negative feelings is by changing our physical position right away. The easiest way to physically change is by moving our eye position. When we are in a negative state, we are likely looking down. Suddenly looking up (into our visual plane) will interrupt the negative patterns of sinking into the quick sand of bad feelings.

Any sudden physical change will do the trick:

Stand up and stretch while letting out an audible sigh.
Exaggerate and change your facial expressions.
Walk over to a window where there is sunlight.
Do 10 jumping jacks.
Do a ridiculous dance that pokes fun at you.
Massage the back of your neck with one hand while singing happy birthday.

Try this next time you feel a negative or unpleasant thought come up.

2. “What Do You Want?”

Sit down and write down exactly what it is that you want out of the current situation. Your job is to describe the end result you would like to see. Be clear, realistic and fair. Be specific with your description. Including dates of when you would like to see the results.

Once you have this clearly mapped out, and when you find yourself drifting into negative thoughts of what you don’t want, you can shift your focus on this list instead.

Also, when we do this exercise consciously, we’ll come to find that the arbitrary and materialistic things that we thought we wanted, aren’t want we want, after all. Clarity is a beautiful thing.

3. Eliminate: Don’t, Not, No

Words such as Don’t, Not, No, Can’t gets us focused on the things that we don’t want. Language is a powerful thing and can influence our subconscious mind, and ultimately our feelings. When you catch yourself using a negated word, see if you can replace it with another word of opposing meaning. Example: instead of saying “I don’t want war”, say “I want peace”.

4. Finding the Light

Darkness can only be eliminated when there is light (like a lamp, or sunlight). In the same way, negative things can only be replaced by positive things. Remember that regardless of what is happening to us externally, or how bad things appear in our mind, we always have the choice to speak and see things positively.

I know this is harder to do when you’re in midst of heated emotions, but I’m a big believer that there is something to be learned from every situation we encounter. Look for the lesson. Find something about the situation that you’ve gained, whether it’s a material possession or an understanding or a personal growth. Find the light so you can uncover the darkness of your mind.

5. Surrender

Surrender to our ego’s need to be right, to blame, to be spiteful, and to be revengeful. Surrender to the moment. Surrender to the pull to become worked-up by the situation.

Become mindful. Watch your thoughts and learn to separate your thoughts from your own identity. Your thoughts are not you.

Things will play out regardless of whether we become emotional or not. Trust that the universe will work its course and do its job. By not surrendering, we get worked up for nothing, and our body will suffer as a result of it.

6. Circle of Influence

When we are feeling down, it’s easy to be sucked into the downward spiral of bad feelings. It really doesn’t help to be around others complaining about the same issues. It’s counter-productive to getting well.

Instead, find a group of people with a positive outlook. When we are around such a group of people, they will remind us of things we already know deep within us, we can start to recognize the good, and the positives. When we are down, we can draw energy from them in order to rise above the problem and negative state.

In the same way that being around negative people can affect you in a negative way, being around happy and optimistic people can raise our awareness, and help us move out of the un-resourceful state.

7. Gratitude Exercise

Find an uninterrupted space, and bring a notepad and pen with you. List out (in as much detail) everything you are grateful for in your life, either in the past, or present; either experiences, relationships, friendships, opportunities or material possessions. Fill up the page, and use as many pages as you have things to be thankful for. Be sure to thank your heart and your body.

This is a simple, yet underestimated tool to help us focus our attention on what matters. This exercise can also shift our state of mind from one of a lower frequency to that of a higher frequency. It also helps us to gain clarity and to remind ourselves that we have much to be thankful for.

No matter how bad things get, we always, always have things to be grateful for. If anything, we have the opportunity of life, in which we have the freedom to grow, to learn, to help others, to create, to experience, to love.

I’ve also found it particularly effective to add silent meditation for 5-10 minutes prior, and visualizing everything on your gratitude list after the gratitude exercise. Try it for yourself!

8. Meditation

Meditation is training for the mind; to calm the noise in our mental space, to lower our thought count, to draw out inner wisdom, and mostly it helps us to recognize and remain anchored in our divine state.

Regardless of what is happening external to us, we have the capacity to remain centered, in a state of acceptance, of flow, of peace, and of love. When we are in this state, we are rational and have the clarity we need to handle any situation with grace, and with minimal stress on our body.

9. Breathing Relaxation Techniques

Most of us are shallow breathers, and air only stays in the top of our lungs. Deep breathing exercises will get more oxygen into our brains, and into the rest of our body. Try this:

Sit up straight in your chair, or stand up.
Loosen up clothing, especially if your stomach feels tight.
Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth.
Put one hand on your abdominal area (over your belly).
When you inhale, feel your hand expanding as air is filled up in your diaphragm.
When you exhale, feel your hand retracting to the initial placement.
Count in your mind the number of inhales and exhales, and gradually level them off such that both take equal counts.
Slowly, add a count to your exhale.
Keep adding a count to your exhale until the count for exhales doubles that of the count for inhales.
Repeat this breathing rhythm for 5 to 10 times.
Keep your eyes closed in silence for a few minutes afterwards.

10. Laughter!

We cannot laugh and be upset at the same time. When we make the physical movement required to laugh or smile, we instantly feel light-hearted and joyful.

Try it now: give me that beautiful smile of yours. I want a genuine and large smile now! J How do you feel? Do you feel an instant jolt of joy? Did you temporarily forget about your problems?

List out a series of movies that make you laugh and stock them up at home. Or meet up with a humorous friend who can really get you laughing. For my friend going through the divorce, I prescribed Episode 10 of “Survivor Gabon”, he laughed until his stomach hurt and told me the next day that he slept very well, without once thinking about the negativity that would otherwise trigger anger.

11. Forgiveness

Photo: Cindy Loughridge

For my little vindictive rascals out there, I know the idea to forgive your ‘enemy’ sounds counter-intuitive. The longer you hold on to the grudge, the more painful emotions you will experience, the more turbulence you are putting on your body, the more damage you are inflicting on your long-term health and wellness.

Unable to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And there’s no way around it.

12. Snap a Rubber Band

Wear an elastic/rubber band around your wrist, at all times. Every time you find yourself having a thought that would lead to a downward negative cycle, snap the rubber band. It might sting a little. But this actually trains our mind to avoid triggering those thoughts. Pain is an amazing motivator.

13. Identify and Eliminate Your Triggers

Sit down and brainstorm a list of reminders and activities that will trigger this negative emotion in us. It might be hearing the word ‘divorce’, or someone’s name, or going to a particular restaurant.

Commit to yourself to eliminate the mentioning of these triggers from your life. If we know something will upset us, why would we bother triggering it?

14. Identify What Anger Brings

List all the things that you’ve gained as a result of being angry. When you’re done, go down this list and count the number of positive things that are actually conducive to your wellbeing. By the way, “making the other person suffer and feel pain” does not count as “conducive to your wellbeing”.

This exercise helps us bring more awareness, rationality and clarity into the situation.

15. Seek Closure. Solve the Problem

To the best of your ability, do not drag anything on for the sake of “winning” or “being right”; it’s not healthy for anyone involved.

Just because we surrender to the external events and choose not to give them any more attention, does not mean that we sit back passively to let others step all over us.

Take action that will help you move onto the next step, and closer to resolution. Be proactive and thoughtful. The faster you can get the problem resolved, the quicker you can set yourself free, mentally.

* Got tips for dealing with anger? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section. See you there!

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Other Articles You May Enjoy:

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(Book) A New Earth – Chapter 5 on Pain Body
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135 Responses (121 Comments, 14 Trackbacks ):

Comments

francisonline
Nov 25 08, 7:22 pm PDT

1
nice post…….lovepeace
Nathalie Lussier

Nov 25 08, 7:24 pm PDT

2
This is such a powerful piece. I think anger is something we all need to deal with, and your tips are spot on!
Daniel Richard

Nov 25 08, 8:05 pm PDT

3
Heya Tina! I’ve just managed to read through everything, and glad to say that your article is awesome! The first tip there sure did crack me up, especially when I saw the 10 jumping jacks point – like how on earth was that gonna help apart from making one too tired to frown?

And you are definitely right when you mentioned that nobody wins when one party is angry. :)
Vincent

Nov 25 08, 11:34 pm PDT

4
Hey Tina,

I like the first point you stated, “look up.” It is possible to break any negative emotions by interrupting the physical state. Just as what you said, we can’t be angry and laughing at the same time.

A simple example would be to feel lazy while you are jumping. It is impossible to do that since our physiology and feelings are inter connected.

Deep breathing works well for me too. It actually work as a pause button whenever I start to feel angry.

Great points listed and thanks for the article, Tina.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Martin Wildam

Nov 26 08, 12:41 am PDT

5
Thanks for that great post.

Just one thing:
> Anger also clouds our judgment and we become consumed
> with problems and pain.

I think that there are different kinds of Anger or let’s say anger is a separate thing from fears. Sometimes it can be useful or somehow necessary to act angry (not as a reaction but as a decision) – let’s say to emphasize importance of something. In a world where many are focused on themselves it is needed sometimes to thump your right. This does not necessarily mean that you internally get in panic mode.
Paul
Nov 26 08, 1:05 am PDT

6
“Do a ridiculous dance that pokes fun at you.”
Who the hell dances when they’re angry?
Emma

Nov 26 08, 1:36 am PDT

7
This is a great article and very inspiring.

Another reason to stay away from negations like the don’ts and the nots is because your subconscious simply doesn’t register them. Your conscious does, but when you stop thinking consciously about what you’re not supposed to do your negative command is lost.

Very simplified: Imagine that someone tells you “Don’t slouch!”. You think about not slouching, so you straighten your back and eventually you stop thinking about it, and the command-word imprinted in your subconscious is “slouch!”… so what do you do? Now, imagine instead that someone tells you “Stand up!” What is the command that lingers in the subconscious? “Don’t be sad!” or “Be happy!”. What is the word your subconscious echoes and what is likely to be a good end result?
Valeria | TimelessLessons

Nov 26 08, 1:49 am PDT

8
We’re hurried, we’re harried, we’ve turned up the volume of our lives to such a high number that we often can’t even see how angry and stressed we are. And we almost never see how we bring that anger to the dinner table, a place where traditionally we sought relaxation and comfort. Thank you for your insightful article Tina.
Bionanotechnology

Nov 26 08, 2:39 am PDT

9
Amazing article! I just love everything you write! You are right… Anger sucks.
Nikhil
Nov 26 08, 3:27 am PDT

10
For an excellent insight into anger, I would suggest reading Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence.
Secret Keeper
Nov 26 08, 3:58 am PDT

11
great article! keep up the good work =)
Anonymouse
Nov 26 08, 6:02 am PDT

12
Your article doesn’t take into consideration anger directed at someone who is harming your family and. Not everyone has petty and selfish reasons for being angry, and sometimes, showing your anger and letting it take control of your otherwise docile self is the only to protect people and make real changes.
Rory
Nov 26 08, 8:45 am PDT

13
Good article. I could see some points being pretty helpful.

I gotta say though that being angry is sometimes very necessary. I worry when people say things like ‘just ignore all the bad stuff and focus on what makes you happy’. How can we make things better if we ignore all the bad things or instead of getting angry and DOING SOMETHING about it we just shrug our shoulders and hope someone else bothers to worry about it?

Its good to be happy but not at the cost of being ignorant. (imo)
John Rocheleau

Nov 26 08, 8:50 am PDT

14
Anger is a hungry emotion. It consumes the good, the bright, and the beautiful within you.

Best,
John
Merve Gezer
Nov 26 08, 8:59 am PDT

15
Hello Tina,

I’ve just read your post… actually, i don’t know if it’s just a coincidence or not, but it’s the thing which I really need right now! Today, I again felt that there is no place for anger in my life which i really want to enjoy in peace… Normally, I’m such a happy person but sometimes I can’t control my emotions and become impossible to understand even by myself…

Thanks for your post! It really motivated me just on time.

Loves,
Merve
Daniel Edlen

Nov 26 08, 1:32 pm PDT

16
I really don’t like labelling emotions “negative”. It’s our actions we choose to take due to feeling those emotions that can be negative and destructive.

I like Alan Watts’ “The Meaning Of Happiness” for how to look at emotions as separate from “us”. You don’t have to listen, like don Miguel Ruiz says.

Thanks again for that info, Tina.

Peace.
Kiefer

Nov 26 08, 5:05 pm PDT

17
Well I have to say you have given this topic a lot of thought, and on paper it all sounds great. But for most people in the real world that become angry they are not going to be thinking about a list of ways to stop.

But I will say all your points are valid, just not to practical since your solutions are all after the fact.

For the most part when someone is angry is because another person in front of him or her at the time is the root cause of said anger. If they were to attempt your solutions this would only anger that person even further, escalating the situation.

I used to be one of the people who would get angry faster then the speed of light. The goal is to never get angry in the first place!

So I retrained my thought process this way.

Here are my 3 simple rules to avoid anger completely before it happens.

Before you respond to someone, or take any action!

1. Just remember to always be nice, until its time not to be nice. (If you know that getting angry will not do any good, why bother?) It simply serves no purpose unless it’s a life-threatening situation.

2. Always ask yourself why this has happened, and what you can do to fix it. (Become part of the solution, not the problem) By immediately asking yourself why, and how, you defuse any instant negative response. (Remember there are always two sides to every story)

3. Last if you feel any tension just take one long deep breath threw your nose, and exhale out your mouth and let out that tension and just smile.

You now become in charge of your emotions, it’s added years to my life LOL.

P.S. Did you know that what you eat has an effect on your emotions, an attitude?

Want to know more visit me at http://kieferscorner.com
Aw Guo

Nov 26 08, 6:09 pm PDT

18
Amazing post ;)

Thanks for sharing these experience!
Abigail
Nov 26 08, 6:29 pm PDT

19
I read your article with interest, but have a bone to pick with the basic premise that anger is something one should try to avoid. Maybe that is a male perspective? However, as a woman I know that anger is an emotion I have had to struggle to access/acknowledge. I used to get blindingly angry out of “nowhere”. I now know that the feeling doesn’t come out of nowhere, but in fact builds up and have learned to recognize what is happening (in me) before it explodes, so that I can choose to do something about it rather than having it rule me. Becoming a black belt in Sho-to-kan karate has been a big part of that process!

I embrace anger now. I don’t have to feel it all the time, and I can let it go when I need to, but it is in my opinion, a very healthy and necessary emotion. I own my anger! : )
Rosabel

Nov 26 08, 8:45 pm PDT

20
Nice post! I would tell the person that I’m angry or upset in order for me to express and let go.
Ross

Nov 26 08, 9:37 pm PDT

21
Hi Tina,

Very comprehensive post. I’m not an angry person by nature, and because of this it annoys me greatly when I succumb to feelings of anger rather than letting things go.

I really connected with the paragraph on ‘surrender’:
“Surrender to our ego’s need to be right, to blame, to be spiteful, and to be revengeful. Surrender to the moment. Surrender to the pull to become worked-up by the situation.”

This is something that can be tough to do as an Australian male! But you’re very right – surrender to our ego’s need to be right – once you can overcome this, the rest of your behaviour and attitude follows.

Cheers
-Ross
Lexington
Nov 26 08, 10:27 pm PDT

22
This all seems very dubious – starting by blaming the victim doesn’t make it sound like you have much respect for anger in general, and the possibly good and useful reasons for its inclusion in our genetic makeup.

Nor, it seems, do you have much respect for victims. You seem to think that the biggest problem is ‘getting over’ the hurt – not realizing that the hurt itself can be amplified dramatically – often to the corrosive levels you note – simply because twits like yourself say ‘it’s all about the ego’ when you should be going after the criminally negligent or vicious.

Honestly, would you really want to live in a society where murder, rape, assault, battery, kidnapping, slander and reckless endangerment are all easily forgiven – and therefore, far more prevelent?

Has it not occurred to you that anger is both natural and vital, and that a system of justice exists not to suppress anger, or deny it, but to channel it in the most focused, impartial, open, and systematic way possible?

Oh, and by the way, it IS possible to win when one party is angry – provided that you’ve done so much damage to that party that they’re no longer capable of acting on their anger. In other words, those happy platitudes about ‘nobody wins until everyone is happy’ are simply exercises in self-delusion and wishful thinking. Real life is a very different thing.

Anger is powerful for a reason. Just like the hind legs on a gazelle are powerful for a reason. The world is, at times, a very dangerous place. There are moments when a shot of adrenalin can save your life. Of course, a daily diet of the stuff will lead to heart failure. Anger is the same way.

This is why we need systems of justice – so that the perpetrators of violent, criminal, anti-social acts can be reliably punished, and removed from daily circulation – without their victims having to suffer the additional harm of carrying their anger long enough to conduct a successful vendetta themselves, and without society having to contend with the fallout from having to depend on deeply angry individuals to determine what is an appropriate and proportional response.

But make no mistake, there MUST be a response, and it must come out of respect for the vital but dangerous nature of anger. Failing to understand the role of anger in the creation of social norms is a failure to understand the very nature of social life as a survival mechanism, and the nature of social beings who rely on commonly accepted and enforced norms to facilitate the mutual trust that makes our very survival possible.

So anger is not, ultimately, about some malformed problem with the ‘ego’. It can be in extreme cases, but that’s exactly what makes those cases extreme in the first place. In normal, well-adjusted people, anger is closely connected to a sense of violation in common trust.

Saying anger isn’t important, or that ‘everybody has their own (equally valid) perspective’ implies that shared standards of trust aren’t important either. Luckily for you, you don’t live in a world where this is actually the case. Otherwise, you may discover for yourself how nasty, cold, brutish, and short life can really be in the absence of civilization.

So I’m sure a lot of people (including myself) take offense at your notion that we’re nothing but bottomless pits of entitlement, and that we’re incapable of real self-regulation, self-governance, or the ability to develop sustainable patterns of conduct without as things good for their own sake.

Some of us are, in fact, grown ups, with a clear appreciation of causes greater than ourselves, and a willingness to commit ourselves to them – even to the point, as many military families know – of sacrificing life itself. Personally, I’m very grateful to the American revolutionaries who didn’t think only of themselves, and refused to ‘accept’ the indignities imposed by the British, or ‘move past’ their ‘debilitating feelings’ about the King.

You, on the other hand, seem to suggest that, instead of fighting a war, they should have done a bunch of jumping jacks, deep breathing exercises, and focused on some imaginary ‘happy place’, where you focus on ‘eluminating triggers’ – as though ‘negative words’ were the biggest threat anyone ever faced.

I actually think lot of your techniques are very useful – but they’d be twice as effective if they were based on a more clear-eyed assesment of what anger’s true nature is, and what, exactly, people using these tecniques are trying to manage. If they took the emotion – and its value – more seriously, perhaps they wouldn’t become so angry with themselves when falling short in their struggles to cope with it.
Caramelmoiselle

Nov 27 08, 3:14 am PDT

23
Thanks Tina!! Everyone can get so much out of this xo
Raymond Chua

Nov 27 08, 4:04 am PDT

24
Hi Tina,

Your tips are amazing! Thanks for sharing them.

I’ll check out this post again when I really need the 15 tips. :)

Raymond Chua
zestycook

Nov 27 08, 4:23 am PDT

25
Hey Tina, Well written and fabulous post. Your site is amazing! I love it

zesty
Alison Wiley

Nov 27 08, 8:26 am PDT

26
I think that anger can be a strong source of energy — both destructive and constructive. Injustice is real, and sometimes anger is appropriate. I would focus a little more on channeling its energy constructively than on just trying to oust it or let go of it. That’s why I wrote this short piece:
http://www.diamondcutlife.org/handling-aggression/
Elaine B.

Nov 27 08, 10:36 am PDT

27
I like Louise L. Hay`s Definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go and forgetting the transgression, not that we tolerate it. After all, if we forget the transgression, we may end up in the same spot again. It`s about us learning a lesson, not getting stuck trying to make them get it right.
Elaine B.

Nov 27 08, 10:44 am PDT

28
-Correction-Forgiveness is letting go the transgression, not that we tolerate it.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Nov 28 08, 12:55 am PDT

29
Anger, like any other emotion, is a signal from our emotional guidance system that something is going on and it’s time to act to get things back into equilibrium.

Remember that there are no “good” or “bad” emotions – Anger can be very constructive… i.e. serving to protect you from danger. It’s all about how you channel your energies and how you look at things.
J.D.

Nov 28 08, 5:39 pm PDT

30
I learned a couple things helped me improve dealing with frustrating situations:
1. acting on anger doesn’t get rid of it, it amplifies it.
2. it’s more effective to focus on emotional intelligence
3. your tolerance-level for frustration is directly related to your happiness for life
Ravi

Nov 28 08, 7:55 pm PDT

31
Nice post Tina!

Breathing is the single most effective way to curb anger or anxiety in my opinion. Specifically, deep breathing through the nose. In yoga, we use a breath called Ujayii Breath for most of our asana classes. To feel it yourself, just breath in deeply through your nose, and then exhale through your mouth as if you were fogging up a mirror….then, close your mouth and continue breathing out through your nose.

Now, just continue breathing like that…in and out through your nose. After a few breaths…chances are you won’t even be able to remember what was bothering you to being with! :)
Miguel Wickert

Nov 29 08, 1:11 am PDT

32
Impressive, my favorite part is about Meditation. Simple and practical breathing techniques- extremely easy- that will work. Give it a try and see for yourself. You’re right now about forgiveness, not forgiving is like tearing down the bridge you yourself need to cross. You’ll never get to the other side; we are not perfect and will need someone to forgive us when we goof up. :) Cheers,

- Miguel
Juan Carlos
Nov 29 08, 4:36 pm PDT

33
I have applied most of these techniques and they do work. I usually make a ridiculous smile in the mirror and hold it for a minute and it always makes me laugh under any circumstances.
David
Nov 29 08, 5:02 pm PDT

34
@Lexington: Your post strikes me as an angry post (after a fashion).

I did want to talk about forgiveness – the Anabaptists (a Christian sect) have practiced forgiveness – even forgiving those that murder their family members or kill them (on purpose or by accident).

You might have one view or another about Anabaptists (today’s Hutterites, Mennonites, and Amish) – but all are thriving. The Hutterites are the oldest surviving communal society, for one.

Forgiveness is absolutely essential: anger is for fighting, and can last long after the fight – and will serve no purpose. Destroying another person is not a worthy goal at any time.

This article is excellent! However, it wasn’t Simple :)
JH
Nov 29 08, 5:56 pm PDT

35
I agree with you completely. There are ways to contain and use our energy better than to let the heat of emotions eat us up. Thank you for your post.
lZ
Nov 29 08, 7:10 pm PDT

36
thank you :) you just appear with a compact of reminders in the perfect moment.
Tickled By Life

Nov 29 08, 10:39 pm PDT

37
great post!
I feel no. 15 alone is more effective than the rest of them put together :-)
josh
Nov 30 08, 12:05 am PDT

38
thank you so much for typing such a wonderful post…i will try alot of those ways…i find myself to be a very angry person lately and i dont like who im becoming at all…this will help me alot…not only me but my friends to because alot of them come to me for help and now i can give them more than just a good laugh i can give them ways to help themselves…i thoroughly enjoyed reading that and will recomend this page to alot of people

again…thank you, you are trully wise and great at this kind of thing
General Specifics

Nov 30 08, 3:04 am PDT

39
Great post, some of the points mentioned above are very useful. I would have never thought of snapping a rubber band.

Cheers
Eric
cat

Nov 30 08, 3:37 am PDT

40
Thanks for the information, because sometimes I can’t even control myself.
Pam

Nov 30 08, 3:35 pm PDT

41
Very nice post! :)
Earn money

Nov 30 08, 4:01 pm PDT

42
I love the article! I think that anger is a normal reaction, but it takes practice to control it. Practice is very important, as in everything. Keep up the good work, Tina!
SoBeenThere
Nov 30 08, 4:34 pm PDT

43
Seems like fate that I StumbledUpon this page today of all days, seeking peace from the anger inside. Thank you for your tips and be assured I will use them.
thatguy
Dec 01 08, 10:49 am PDT

44
anger isn’t always bad.

think about this. a woman who is abused by her husband both verbally and physically. but she uses your techniques to “forgive” and “overcome her anger” each and every time he does it. she keeps getting back together with him and the cycle repeats (maybe all the way until he goes too far and kills her).

your suggestions are prolonging this woman’s abuse. if she just remained angry and separated herself from the abusive husband for good and forever, the problem would be solved.

yes, being angry is no fun. but that does not mean it is not sometimes necessary and an essential part of what makes us human. sometimes we need to embrace it and forgiveness simply doesn’t work. people take advantage of ‘forgiving’ people all the time because it’s so easy to do.

petty anger is pointless though and should be overcome. and for that, your suggestions are great.
ML

Dec 01 08, 1:58 pm PDT

45
Thank you so much for this valuable and well-written article, Tina. I read both it and the one on meditation, and after ten minutes of silent meditation, was feeling so much better. I plan to integrate this practice into my life more regularly. I really appreciate your rational and easy-to-understand and put in to practice approach to things. :)
B.Wilde

Dec 03 08, 10:32 am PDT

46
Just this morning, someone spoke of the need for a little more “we” and a lot less “me.” How timely. This is a topic that could never get enough attention. At least in my life. My anger often comes out in my indifference. Thanks for your suggestions. Something I need to watch.
:::::::::::: wife mom maniac ::::::::::::

Dec 05 08, 11:04 pm PDT

47
Some really amazing tips here that I’ve never read before!
Kay Graham
Dec 07 08, 3:19 am PDT

48
I think a lot of our conflict (within ourselves and with others) is caused by opposing goals. For example, although I am generally pretty comfortable with anger, recently I been getting angry at my 15 year old grandson who demands constant supervision to do the most basic self care: going to bed at night, brushing his teeth and bathing, getting off to school in the morning, and homework. I get really tired of having to remind, cajole, bribe, punish, etc. In fact, I have sent him home to his mom twice recently (we live across the street from each other) when all of us would really rather the he stayed with me and his grandpa.

What helped was first to realize that he and I are BOTH just living our lives, working out something we don’t yet understand. So it’s all good, in short.

Then, I realize I want to be left in peace, I want him to be independent except for basic respectful behavior, and I want to be a very “patient” grandma (one who doesn’t get angry!). Of course, these goals are not always compatible and when we’ve been out of balance for too long, I get frustrated, then cross, then really angry.

I suspect that knowing my goals will help and I will also talk to him about having to balance (and choose between) opposing goals he may have. Most likely he wants the comforts of being a child but resents being told what to do. Reasonable for his age.

Anyway, good post and lots to think about.
Stephen Martile

Dec 07 08, 3:34 pm PDT

49
Hi Tina – I’m new here and thought I would drop you a line.

“The easiest way to physically change is by moving our eye position. When we are in a negative state, we are likely looking down. Suddenly looking up (into our visual plane) will interrupt the negative patterns of sinking into the quick sand of bad feelings.” ~ Tina

I guess it depends on what you’re picturing when you look up. You can definitely change states by using different modalities, but what if the picture is not worth looking at?
Scott

Dec 11 08, 12:28 pm PDT

50
Very useful post Tina! I’ve found gratitude to be one of the most useful tools out there. A morning ritual of listing out who and what I’m grateful for has been an awesome way to start the day.

-Scott
Weekly Planner 2009

Dec 15 08, 6:14 am PDT

51
I must say these tips are superb. Any angry person can get into the mood by using the above techniques. You definitely might be the person who never gets angry.
Sana N
Dec 18 08, 3:08 pm PDT

52
okay it all sounds great when ur reading all this and its no less than yoga 4 the mind… but when i really got into trying to shift my attention by making faces or singing a birthday song.. i felt like it was my very first step to being retarded. even though i’m still trying.. its too hard.
Grace
Dec 19 08, 7:18 pm PDT

53
I appreciate the tips, and loved reading the piece. It was informative and useful.
Having said that, I wish I could apply these principles to smaller moments of anger and frustration; someone budding in line or not holding a door open for an old lady. Those are the little things that happen on a regular basis that I find difficult to circumvent.
Arswino

Dec 27 08, 8:29 am PDT

54
Awesome tips, Tina. You have outlined the ways very well.
Some of them are new for me and even there are unique ways, such as snap a rubber band. First, I want to try your first way : look up, because it is quite simple.
Ariel - You Are Truly Loved

Jan 21 09, 12:09 am PDT

55
Nice list, yet again! My favorites are surrender and moving towards appreciation. Breathing seems to be very effective as well.

Oh, another one is searching for the “me” who is angry. It’s such a strange experience when you look within and you don’t find anyone who’s actually angry, just the experience of anger itself. With no me, it’s like the whole support system underneath anger collapses, along with all the emotional storm associated with it. It keeps surprising me when I put it in action and see it work.
Colleen

Jan 31 09, 6:06 am PDT

56
Excellent resources available here. Wonderful writing techniques. We would love to link to this site from our spaces. Please contact me to use some of your material for upcoming meetings. Thanks. Job well done.
Peter Bent

Feb 02 09, 4:25 am PDT

57
Anger is the very problem I cannot fight against. Now with the help of your tips I will do my best to overcome it. I think “What Do You Want?” technique can help me.
Elianatasha

Mar 07 09, 5:27 pm PDT

58
My boyfriend get angry and pissed of easily. Im his girlfriend, and i really hope that he stop that and try to control his mood. What can i do to help him overcome his mood swings and anger. ?
SWmama
May 31 09, 2:04 pm PDT

59
Thank you. Some of this is reminders but ther are many new helpful bits of info here. I intend to share tis article immediately and I know that my Stress Relief (yoga) instructors would agree. Good lookin out!
Edward Nkhoma
Jul 16 09, 11:43 am PDT

60
Hi Tina i love your post. I enjoyed it and itw encouraging and full of great weight. It helped me through with what i was going through so keep it amazing luv.

E-Cool
Tim | Inspiration Central

Aug 02 09, 8:37 am PDT

61
This is an amazing post. Most people don’t go into so much depth when they tackle an issue like this. Great work and I look forward to reading more from this website.
baybeeeeboo
Aug 18 09, 12:58 pm PDT

62
This was so well written and helpful for me.
I just got into a car accident and felt very sad and lost, and angry.

But now, I feel grateful for what I have, and things WILL work out.

Thank you so much, honestly.
Sri
Oct 10 09, 9:33 am PDT

63
Hi..

I find this article very good. Just by reading it I feel really good and it makes me happy and gives me the urge to change my character. I am a person who gets upset fast which then leads to anger. I can be very nasty verbally without stopping to think there are people around. I am very ashamed of myself. I have come to a point where I want to change my negative behaviour. I hope it works out for me and I become a better person in the future.

Thank you.
maddy
Jan 04 10, 12:52 am PDT

64
i was betrayed by my friend/office colleague today….i read ur article and overcome my anger but i m not been able to forgive her…dats really hard..
Zeb
Feb 19 10, 1:34 am PDT

65
Amazing tips,I m gonna try the b’day song first!!
Andrew
Jul 03 10, 8:14 am PDT

66
Great article, I have a question though, I agree that it is better to not get angry over things but how do I overcome it without bottling up my anger?
Dhrumil
Aug 24 10, 8:25 am PDT

67
Its really a Great & Powerfull 15 techniques.

I am sure that play this techniques into our day to day life, we change the Life ! The way we want ! …….
Chee Yi

Aug 29 10, 12:50 am PDT

68
This, is an amazing piece of article. I Googled up on ways to overcome anger and your site is the first to appear on the results.

I had a fight with a friend and I’m very angry at him, and I’m a bit stressed out, but those are very sound advices. So for this, I thank you.

Sincerely,
Chee Yi from Malaysia
Sabrina

Nov 08 10, 9:51 am PDT

69
Great article! The true nature of anger is attachment. Losing a purse is just a fact, you became angry because we have emotional attachment to your purse. The more feeling you have for your purse, the more angry you are when you are losing them. It is about one form of emotion created another form of emotion.

I have been thinking about anger, since I have been a very angry person and have been working away my anger and reaped some result. Still I work hard to remove more.

When I feel angry, I try to feel myself in other people’s shoes, and feel sorry for their character defects, since that is going to ultimately hurt them. Also try to think about little things they did for me in appreciation, to forgive the current incidence. Another thing is repent, I shouldn’t have made this situation happen if I take better care of myself and people around me.

In case of losing a purse, feel sorry for the thief who can’t make a decent living like I do, appreciate the fact I have a job and everything I need, and repent I shouldn’t have put it in the outer pocket to seduce people! Sure cancel my credit card ASAP with a calm head!
angry bird
Nov 13 10, 2:46 pm PDT

70
These posts make me angry because they don’t help, or show any type of understanding at all. (understanding to my anger, or my egos anger. They do offer a lot of insight into anger, just not fixing the cause of it) When I think about what you say it makes me way more angry and filled with hatred, and worse, when I let my guard down depression sets in, which refuels my anger at being depressed. I guess it gets worse when your hope is triggered and fueled only to be let down again, and again until all your love is dead. I think this post will help I open up to it and then realize its not going to help me. im already getting less angry just writing this. Thanks for your article though. It reminded me that sometimes anger is about perserverence. The pain is telling you that something is wrong, and until it is healed, the pain will irritate you into anger through incrementalism.

Love is a home and Anger’s a prison. Its a lot harder to make a new key from scratch.

Thanks again for the venting opportunity :)
RM
Nov 20 10, 4:19 pm PDT

71
I’m so glad I came across this article. You are a great writer and I already feel so much better after reading this. I’ve struggled with anger for a few years now but I’m confident that the tips I got from you are going to work out for my good.
I appreciate the time and effort that you put into this and it makes me happy to think that there are people out there that care about others.
Don’t stop what you’re doing because if it only helps ONE person you have yet accomplished a great mission.

Wish you the best in life
happiness
Dec 14 10, 12:32 pm PDT

72
Anger is a very bad feeling that you have, especially when you are angry at someone who you love and care about.you have to be careful with that feeling especially when you are MARRIED,it could bring you into having a divorce. I think that this is a great article.
Srikanth D
Dec 16 10, 12:53 am PDT

73
Very helpful article.. thanks a lot ;-)
random guy
Mar 09 11, 4:23 am PDT

74
This helped me!!! thank you!!!!
Susan
Mar 14 11, 4:25 am PDT

75
I appreciated the article. I am seeking better ways to handle a supervisor that does not care for me. Every move I make at my desk is interpretted (incorrectly) and I am accused later of some far-fetched story of hers….I don’t like being angry about it all day. I like some of the tricks and routes I can take to make myself more positive. It’s a non-talking office due to micro-management and very stale. Little happiness to be found to attach to. Thanks for the tips!
criss
Mar 15 11, 8:39 am PDT

76
tanx for the advice that is very usefull
:)
Jul 09 11, 1:37 am PDT

77
This article is very helpful and worthy
Thanks so much for going through the trouble for all of us readers
Much gratitude
:D
Aug 01 11, 8:33 pm PDT

78
Simple yet powerful. Thank you!
Richard
Aug 23 11, 7:41 am PDT

79
Thank you so much … That’s all I can say .. Thanks …
Mary
Sep 04 11, 12:18 pm PDT

80
Amazing post!! I think I’ve finally understood how to solve this anger problem!
Thank you so much.
Yo
Sep 26 11, 1:52 pm PDT

81
I love Ms. Hays quote: “its about letting go of the transgression, not that we tolerate it”

The buddha says holding onto anger is like holding onto hot coals and throwing them at the people that hurt you- you are the one getting burned first.

change can happen- influence is prevalent without anger.

GANDHI anyone?

may you see who you are…bless
Confidence
Oct 24 11, 5:57 am PDT

82
Thank you so much for your advice,i am a kind of guy that gets angry easily but all of a sudden i get happy either that i see someone i wanted to see or that i remembered somethin that makes me happy or that i listen to blues music,but all thesame i thank you for everything and i hope that oneday i will feel that everlasting happiness that i ever dreamth with someone i love and care about, all this i ask through christ our lord amem. Confidence
Madzi
Nov 02 11, 5:27 am PDT

83
the article i read has helped me so much… there is one thing that has inspired me in a big way ……FORGIVENESS…… without forgiveness one will be hurting himself which is not good
vsm
Nov 08 11, 2:32 pm PDT

84
Really great article…Thanks for the post
Krishna
Dec 14 11, 12:44 am PDT

85
Hi,

Simply awesome!!
Alice
Jan 05 12, 7:01 am PDT

86
I just read this and cried my eyes out.
I’ve been getting so angry for so long and not knowing why or how to overcome it. This completely hit the nail on the head.
Thank you X
Jen
Jan 05 12, 1:27 pm PDT

87
What if you’re not angry over loss or unfairness to yourself? What if you want to protect innocent children and animals from being mistreated and neglected, but you are not able without concrete evidence of abuse? You guys must really have it easy if you’re only angry about the superficial things listed.
Kristin
Jan 11 12, 5:40 pm PDT

88
Hahahaha! OMG I loved this article. I was reallyyy upset/mad at first, but after the jumping jacks and dancing, I was laughing. The happy birthday/neck thing made me feel like a completely maniac, and I couldn’t stop laughing from the awkwardness!(:
Loved it!
Mr. Hicks
Jan 15 12, 4:13 pm PDT

89
I feel better after reading this – thank you!
sonia
Feb 07 12, 3:30 am PDT

90
Its very easy to say but hard to apply practically.Myself am not at all an angry person but have lost temper once in my lifetime,only when you yourself are in that particular situation which arouses anger you may have that most horrible feelings and really understand what is anger.The article is good but practically unacceptable.I nearly did all the things mentioned but till date when think of that situation get a very bad feeling and try to divert my thoughts by doing anything artistic, and not remember that day ever.
Beatrice
Feb 17 12, 2:22 am PDT

91
It really is a great article. Tina, u make forgiveness seem so simple, wat if it isn’t? Forgiveness is pretty difficult in some cases.
Niki K.
Feb 29 12, 5:50 am PDT

92
Thanks!
Jake
Mar 12 12, 5:27 pm PDT

93
Snapping a rubber band is like cutting, that makes no sense, changing your thoughts hides anger causing it to build, you should try and relax and understand your not the first or last person who’s had This problem.
Athena
Mar 17 12, 12:28 pm PDT

94
Thanks, this helped me alot <3
Bilqis Hanifah
Mar 20 12, 8:16 am PDT

95
Great advice! Thank you.
Will
Mar 26 12, 12:30 am PDT

96
Right on. Great article. Also keep in mind that anger can be a shadow aspect. So keep in mind it is never good to just bury it. It is good to recognize it and be aware and even better to accept it. Anger is not always bad it can ignite our creativity. Carl Jung said that our shadow is the seat to our creativity.
Sara
Mar 27 12, 10:53 am PDT

97
Hmm thanku for these tips they really helped a lot to overcome frustation and to increase our inner space by being optimistic .This article is really a wonderful means to be positive
Thomas
Apr 01 12, 5:04 pm PDT

98
This was a great read. You may have changed my life for good. Thank you very much for using your time wisely to help people like myself.
Tudor
Apr 03 12, 2:35 pm PDT

99
When I am mad I don’t want to sit down and think what to write. Get it ? If I could do that I wouldn’t be that mad.
Nancy
May 04 12, 5:56 pm PDT

100
Just remember that if you use the rubber band technique, remember to use one that is big enough to be safe and healthy. Marks from wearing it should be avoided.
Matthew
May 22 12, 4:07 pm PDT

101
Dear tina,
Im a 13 year old boy from toronto ontario and i read your article. In my perspective it really helped me out a lot. I actuay did all of the steps and i feel a lot better with myself. Thank you soooo much!
Karen

May 26 12, 7:44 am PDT

102
Prolonged anger can make you ugly. That’s a fact. It will bring you nothing but wrinkles. It’s okay to get angry – it’s normal, especially when we feel we have been attacked personally, whether directly or indirectly. However, we should not let anger consume us. Get angry, get mad, and get over it!
Wasil
Jun 13 12, 7:15 am PDT

103
Do you have any other ways to overcome others from anger ?
Rip Heindrich
Jun 25 12, 5:16 pm PDT

104
Currently this article is #1 on Google for my search of ‘how not to be….’ (I don’t want to help the rankings sorry – this doesn’t help truly angry people at all – in fact it pisses them off more)

I could tell in the first paragraph that the writer has never experienced searing anger. I can also tell by a lot of the comments that neither have a lot of the other folks commenting – you guys have a theoretical concept of what anger is and like to philosophize about it; don’t get me wrong, philosophy has it’s place but it isn’t practical.

The poster from 2008 ‘Lexington’ has clearly had experience with anger and I don’t really see how anyone could possibly think that his post was ‘angry’, that’s just ridiculous he’s obviously just speaking from experience and I happen to agree with everything he pointed out. This was definitely a well written article but it’s apparent from the start that the author hasn’t got a lot of experience in this subject beyond philosophy.
warzin
Jul 16 12, 3:32 pm PDT

105
One good way to take your focus away from the object of your anger is to say a number like 7 and then count backwards from 50 past 0 in increments of that number.

Counting backwards uses different parts of the brain to the emotional centers. It takes mental effort and is emotionally neutral. Which helps take the sting out of your anger and pushes the body into a different state.
John
Sep 04 12, 6:01 am PDT

106
This is some great advice. Some more tools to add to the toolkit!

I’ve found that suppressing anger just wasn’t working for me and would lead to what they call passive aggressive behavior and occasional aggressive outbursts. The 8 step technique in this video (which includes many of your own suggestions but as an 8 step process has helped me significantly):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbQV_CgtaBo

The “author” also suggests the use of meditation, but in a somewhat different manner – to get to the root of the pain that fuels our anger so that we can make the necessary life changes or take steps towards healing that pain. While my anger hasn’t disappeared I now feel empowered to manage it and even to harness it as an “energy” for positive life changes. The author of the above video also has a simple book out elaborating on this 8 step process. check it out over here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008KJM3A8
AlienAlibi
Sep 12 12, 12:05 pm PDT

107
Thanks for the awesome article, I’ve been going down this downward spiral for quite some time. I finally got sick of it, blaming myself and everyone else around me. If one isn’t happy with their current situation they can always do something to improve it, even if it’s small it is still a step. I will be sure to keep this article close. Hopefully I can overcome my own pettiness and lead a more fruitful and happy life. Thanks again!
Bella
Oct 02 12, 10:24 pm PDT

108
Great tips, I’ll be putting some of them to practice. I find taking deep breaths helps. Communication is a two-way street and unfortunately, some people won’t meet you halfway.
To expand upon Rip Heindrich’s comment, some people can be blessed annoying. I make it a point to try dialogue first and more than once. It gives me the opportunity to understand the other person and learn more about myself.
People don’t always do things on purpose, but I think as a society we make too many excuses for bad behavior.
Vishal
Oct 08 12, 10:35 pm PDT

109
Thank you very much for your tips which are of course spot on .
I really get angry very very quickly which is effecting my personal and professional life.
My parents my friends my colleges all have problems with my anger and they want me to get rid of this because its now really effecting my health .
I will try to follow your tips maybe this help me really well for the remaining years of my life.
I once again Thank you for your tips from the bottom of my heart.
Vivekanand
Oct 25 12, 9:06 am PDT

110
Hey,thank you so much….
When people close to me used to tell that that I always look at things in my point of view and forget others’ situation, I felt embarrassed thinking their advice as meaningless. After reading this I understand that I’ve been really VERY SELFISH,ARROGANT and always wanted others to listen to me. I’ve even assaulted my dear ones brutally out of blind anger for which I’ve punished myself in the same way afterwards, brooding over what I’ve really done.
But now I understood that my thoughts(wild imagination) only lead me to miserable and painful situations. I’ve also decided to forget & forgive the incidents and the people responsible for them in my dark past.I’ll never use any force neither physically nor verbally against anyone since I never gained anything out of that brutal behavior.
Finally,I’m determined to start a new,meaningful,peaceful life in which I’m going to keep people around me happy,not to forget mentioning about changing my attitude TO SEE THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSPECTIVE. I want to make my life a beautiful one.
Thank you once again friend.
debbie
Dec 01 12, 3:48 am PDT

111
I smile at them and act real sweet. But it always seems to piss them off more-huh guess peace does not work on eveyone.
Avinash Bhardwaj
Dec 02 12, 11:37 pm PDT

112
ohh wow amazing … i am feeling so calm and relaxed just by reading it. thanks to you for such a nice article over how to control your anger. i am seriously going to follow these.
Wendy Schmidt
Dec 17 12, 3:56 pm PDT

113
I like a lot of the steps. I really do. But I also enjoy a good sarcastic joke and some negative humor and a strong swear word once in a while. Yes, positive is good, but not all the time. I’ve been in groups where women refuse to talk about anything painful or negative and that can be a bit, well, weird and a little boring. Balance is always the goal for me. A bit of blowing off steam if fine as long as a person doesn’t get stuck too long in the steam cycle. But complete denial of darker emotions can lead to bad stuff as well.
A
Dec 26 12, 4:28 pm PDT

114
thank you
cadmus
Dec 29 12, 10:31 am PDT

115
I’ve been dealing with problems with anger and lingering memories of high school where I was picked on, and I get angry at myself for not fighting back against bullies. But I read the whole article and I loved it though!
Krish
Jan 19 13, 10:47 am PDT

116
No doubt, getting angry is one of the worst emotions in any human being. I could never tolerate it in myself, and I never wanted to be in the presence of someone else who was angry. But I had no control over my own anger. I was a slave to it for many years. Of course, I denied that I was often unable to control my anger. Instead, I blamed it on others. Whenever I could, I hid it. At other times, I had so-called righteous anger. I pretended I was in control when actually I was not. The simple fact is that anger ruled me, and I was thoroughly powerless over it. Whenever it sprang up in my heart, I helplessly identified with it. I really had no idea where anger came from. So, I blamed it on whatever I thought to be the cause.

The effect of anger on me was clear: each time I became angry, I could feel every cell of my body being affected; my mind and body chemistry was immediately altered. The experience left me paralyzed at times, and my life became unmanageable. Then one day I read two verses in the Gita. These two verses capture the entire dynamic of anger, and they offer the only long term solution there is, in my opinion, to conquer anger. Before I came across these verses, I did not know how anger developed and what it actually did to me. All I knew was that I became awfully hurt by it.

“When a person broods over the objects of sense,
attachment to them grows in him. From attachment
springs desire, from desire anger. From anger arises
delusion, from delusion confused memory, from confused
memory loss of reason, and from loss of reason he
perishes.“

Anger begins with attachment to something. The mind becomes attached to the sense objects of our desire, because consciously or unconsciously we have dwelt on them. Having dwelt on the objects of our senses, the mind develops a sort of clinging to them. For example, one sees a beautiful car and thinks how nice it would be to own the car. If that thought persisted long enough, the individual would have become, again, consciously or unconsciously, attached to the idea of the car–the wanting is stamped in the consciousness of the individual.

The attachment to the sense object gives rise to desires. These wants are stacked up in the subconscious. When any of the wants is obstructed in any way, there springs anger in the individual. The anger makes its presence known when it perceives the possibility of the desire not getting fulfilled. The presence of even slight anger in the mind makes the mind delusional. A deluded mind mistakes one thing for something else. The deluded mind naturally affects one’s memory, which leads to impaired judgment. Depending on the intensity of anger, judgment of an individual becomes affected in different degrees and ways. Impaired judgment makes one forget the wisdom essential for human existence. It is that wisdom that separates humans from brutes. Estranged from the wisdom one is estranged from the Spirit within; the flame of reason becomes extinguished. Without the power to reason, a confused understanding and stupidity of the mind rules over the individual. Like a blind person, his mind runs helter-skelter and his understanding is overtaken by the delusion. When the recollection of wisdom is impaired and reason extinguished, the intellect has become feeble and he can no longer discriminate between the real and unreal, between right and wrong. Without such discrimination, a human being ceases to be human. Hence, desires lead to attachment, and the frustration of not fulfilling these desires develops into anger, which leads to delusion.

We have misunderstood the source of our anger. As a result, we fight and alienate others. Of course, most of us would prefer to be free of anger if we could. Often we find that anger comes anyway. The reason is that we have not fully understood the source and structure of how our anger develops.

So, what are we to do about anger, when it arises? Whenever anger arises in us, we ought to become alert but not become identified with it. We should know that some desire in us has been obstructed, and that if the emotion is allowed rise further, it can ruin us. We should remind ourselves we are not the anger, anger is an emotion and it will pass. Step back and see the anger but remain strong and do not react negatively. But always investigate the source of anger from within, not without.
Melissa
Jan 20 13, 3:39 am PDT

117
Great article! Helped me cool down quickly.
S
Mar 06 13, 6:15 pm PDT

118
thank you. thank you, so much.
Johannes
Mar 07 13, 9:43 am PDT

119
Thank you, I have been wasting feelings, been so angry I didn’t want to feel angry but was like a prisoner of anger for a long time.I didn’t really realize how angry I’ve been after dramatic changes and loss of so much. Thank you, I knew some steps before, used them but remained in darkness for many years, but I guess my program missed important steps, steps you present, like “Look Up” what a fantastic step, cant believe I never heard about this, Thank you!
Emily
May 08 13, 5:31 pm PDT

120
this article was great to find after having a frustrating conversation with one of my family members.
i’ve been super anxious and angry for no reason lately except i’m stressed.
thanks for the wonderful tips.

another good way that I’ve found helps me release anger and be happy is take a walk or run, maybe do some yoga. the physical activity really lets your mind go of those pesky problems that make you angry. as a senior in college, i’ve needed ways to help me relax-exercise is definitely one of them.

thanks again :)
David Jendrycki
May 19 13, 9:48 am PDT

121
Hi Tina
I really appreciate your article.
I need real help and guidance in tempering my anger at work.
I am the person you wrote about who is nice, personable and friendly yet when I am truly wronged by several individuals at my workplace I go off like an exploding volcano. It is not pleasant and in the end I truly regret it. I feel ashamed.
Your tips are very valuable to me and I am going to give them a try.
Thank you for taking the time to help individuals like myself who truly want to be emotionally positive and controlled in situations that when left unchecked can only lead to self destruction.
Thanks
David

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