20 Ways to Attack Shyness

100 Comments

Photo by Jordan Fraker. See more of his work here.

Can you remember the last time you stepped into a room full of strangers and felt that self-conscious and awkward feeling rush over you? Or that heart thumping moment when you wanted to ask someone on a date, but were too shy to do so? Or wanting to approach someone for business, but was too hesitant to actually do it? That anxiety in the pit of your stomach in social situations? Does it always feel like something is holding you back?

Regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted, we can all relate to that feeling of shyness at some point in our lives. Socially, we tend to have the misconception that only introverts experience shyness, but that is not true. Shyness has more to do with being uncomfortable with one’s self, especially around other people.

This article is the result of collaboration between Amanda Linehan, an introvert, and Tina Su, an extravert. Together, we wanted to shed some light on the topic of shyness in a collective perspective from both extremes. We will also share the ways that we used to turn shyness into personal empowerment.

The Three Components of Shyness

According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, shyness has three components:

Excessive Self-Consciousness - you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation - you tend to see yourself negatively.
Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation - you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.

Can you relate? When you are experiencing shyness, can you fit your state of mind into one or more of the above categories? We sure can.

Why Do We Experience Shyness?

We all experience shyness differently and on varying degrees. However, root cause can be boiled down to one of the following reasons:

Weak Self Image - This is especially true to our experiences in high school. We would believe in the fallacy that our unique qualities were not interesting, cool or worthy of anyone’s admiration.We would try to fit in with everyone else, resulting in us not feeling like ourselves.
- Amanda: Looking back I’m not even sure I knew what my unique abilities were, I just knew that everybody else seemed to be a cooler, more interesting person than I was, so I tried to imitate them…poorly.:)
- Tina: I thought of myself as cool, because I was loud, and worked very hard at keeping that image. It was of course, a false image that I worked hard to keep. It was exhausting and I was exceedingly self conscious. Even though people didn’t view me as shy, but I felt shy most of the time with a lot of built up anxiety. Turns out, the ‘cool’ kids themselves have weak self images and wanted to fit in with everyone else.
Pre-occupation with Self - When we’re around other people, we become extremely sensitive to what we’re doing, as if we’ve been put on center stage. This creates anxiety and makes us question our every move. Our focus centers around ourselves and particularly on “what I was doing wrong”. This can cause a downward spiral.
- Amanda: Coupled with a weak self image,I didn’t thinkIwas doing anything right! And this would start a cycle that I couldn’t get out of. What I understand now is that is that most people are not looking at me with the detail thatI was looking at myself.
- Tina: I too was very sensitive to my every move around other people. My senses were heightened to the way I talked, walked, laughed, etc. My focus was on how to not screw up in front of other people, and this made me very nervous. What I understand now is that everyone is so caught up with their own insecurities that they hardly notice yours.
Labeling - When we label ourselves as a shy person, we psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. We may say to ourselves, “I am a shy person, than it must be true that I am shy. This is how I am, and this is the way things are.” When we label something, that thing has the perception of being fixed and therefore we must live up to the expectations of the labeling.
- Amanda: I was known by others as a shy person, or a quiet person, and this perception held me captive at times. People expected me to be a certain way and so I was. And knowing that other people regarded me as shy, in addition to my not wanting to be shy, resulted in great anxiety when I was with people. I really wanted to show myself to others when I was around them, but it was easy to simply go along with what others expected from me.
- Tina: Deep down, I felt the anxieties from shyness often, yet, when I’m around people, I had to live up to the expectations that I wasn’t shy. My experiences with shyness would manifest in unusual ways, like when I’m ordering food, when I call someone on the phone, or speak to strangers. I would never let that side of myself show, but I do experience it. In those moments, I can hear myself say, ‘I am shy.’

How to Overcome Shyness

We’ve both experienced different variations of shyness, and through practice and increased awareness we have both overcome this. The following are tips that have helped us overcome this uncomfortable feeling.

Photo by Lauren

1. Understand Your Shyness - Seek to understand your unique brand of shyness and how that manifests in your life. Understand what situation triggers this feeling? And what are you concerned with at that point?

2. Turning Self Consciousness into Self Awareness - Recognize that the world is not looking at you. Besides, most people are too busy looking at themselves. Instead of watching yourself as if you are other people, bring your awareness inwards. Armed with your understanding of what makes you shy, seek within yourself and become the observing presence of your thoughts. Self awareness is the first step towards any change or life improvement.

3. Find Your Strengths - We all have unique qualities and different ways of expressing ourselves. It’s important to know and fully accept the things we do well, even if they differ from the norm. If everyone was the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.

Find something you are good at and focus on doing it. An identifiable strength will boost your natural self esteem and your ego, helping you better identify with yourself. It is a short term fix, but will give you the confidence you need to break your self-imposed barrier of fear.
See how your unique strength gives you an advantage. For example, Amanda is a naturally quiet person who prefers to spend time alone. She learned that she listens better than others and notices things that others miss in conversations. She also discovered that her alone time has given her a better understanding of herself.

4. Learn to Like Yourself - Practice appreciating yourself and liking the unique expression that is you. Write a love letter to yourself, do things you enjoy, give gratitude for your body and its effortless functions, spend quality time getting to know yourself, go on a self-date.

5. Not Conforming - Trying to fit in like everyone else is exhausting and not very much fun. Understand that it is okay to be different. In fact, underlying popular kid’s public displays of coolness, they too are experiencing insecurities, self-consciousness, and awkwardness. Accept that you may not be perceived as the most popular social butterfly, and you may not want to be either. At the end of the day, being popular will not make you happy. Accepting your unique qualities can set you free.

6. Focus on Other People - Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social situations, focus on other people and what they have to say. Become interested in learning about others, and probe them to talk about themselves. You can try pondering the question while interacting: What is it about this person that I like?

7. Releasing Anxiety through Breath - Anxiety and fear can feel overwhelming if you are practicing to become more assertive in order to overcome this fear.

One simple technique to calm this anxiety into manageable bites is taking deep breaths with your eyes closed, while concentrating on just your breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly while clearing out all thoughts.
Another technique is from yoga: counting as you inhale and then as you exhale. Slowly leveling out your inhale and exhale duration. Example, 4 count for in and 4 for out. Once your breaths are leveled, add an extra count during your exhale. This means slowing down your exhale by just a tad as compared to your inhale. Continue for a few minutes until you are comfortable, than add another count to your exhale. You can easily do this in the bathroom, or in a spare room of when you need it.

8. Releasing Anxiety through Movement - One way of viewing anxiety is that it is blocked energy that needs to be released. We can release this energy through physical movement.

Exercises like jogging or walking will help to re-channel some of the blocked energies, but also helps by pulling you out of the situation and shifts your state of mind. This refreshed state of mind will help by adding perspectives to things.
Another effective technique is a simple muscle meditation/exercise. Sit down or lie down. Bring awareness to every part of your body, starting from your toes and moving up your body to the top of your head. At every part of your body, tighten the muscles at the center of awareness for 3-5 seconds, and then relax. Repeat this until you get to the top of your head. Remember to breathe.

9. Visualization - Visualizing yourself in the situation as a confident and happy person helps to shape your perception of yourself when you are actually in the situation. Close your eyes, sit back somewhere relaxing, listen to some relaxing music, imagine yourself in a scene or situation and see yourself the way you would like to be. In this scene, how do you feel? What do you hear? Do you smell anything? Are you moving? What do you see? Get all your senses involved to make it real.

10. Affirmation - Words can carry incredible energy. What we repeatedly tell ourselves, gets heard by our unconscious mind, and it acts accordingly. If we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are incapable, and too shy to do anything, we will become increasingly aware of evidence to back up this ‘fact’, and our actions will always match what we tell ourselves. Similarly, if we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are capable, confident, and wonderful human beings, our unconscious mind will likely surface the awareness that gives evidence to this new ‘fact’. While, we can’t lie to ourselves, positive visualization and affirmation are helpful in placing us along the road of positive thought patterns.

11. Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation - When we leave shy situations, what we are really doing is reinforcing our shyness. Instead, face the situation square in the face. Turn the fearful situation into a place of introspection and personal growth. Become the observer and dig into yourself, answer the questions: why do I feel this way? What caused me to feel this way? Can there be an alternative explanation to what is happening?

12. Accept Rejection - Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and learning to not take it personally. Remember, you are not alone and we all experience rejections. It is part of life and part of the learning process. The key lies in how you handle rejections when they come. It helps to be mentally prepared before they happen:

Never take it personally. It was not your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. The scenario was not the best fit for you.
Find the lesson - what did you learn? There is a lesson ingrained in every situation. And through these life lessons lies the potential for you to become a better person, a stronger person. Nothing is lost if you can find the lesson. See these as the blessings in disguise.
Move on. Recognize that when you fall into self-pity, you are not moving forward. Nothing will be changed from your self-pity. When you start to recognize this, it becomes clear that only energy is wasted while we feed to our problem-seeking ego. Pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and move on to the next thing. Try again, try again, try again. It will pay off!

13. Relinquish Perfectionism - When we compare ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves with the most popular person in the room or we compare ourselves with celebrities we see on TV. We set excessive expectations by comparing ourselves unreasonably to people unlike ourselves and wonder “why can’t I be that?” We carry with us a vision of another’s perfection and expect ourselves to fit that exact mold. And when we don’t fit, we beat ourselves up for it, wondering why we are such failures. You see, the problem lies in our emphasis on fitting into a vision we have created in our minds, which is not us. Let go of this perfect image, create visions of yourself out of the Being from who you are, naturally; and let that expression flow, naturally.

Photo via g2slp

14. Stop Labeling Yourself - Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are you, you are unique, and you are beautiful. Can’t we just leave it at that?

15. Practice Social Skills - Like any other skill, social skills can be cultivated through practice and experience. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it becomes next time. If you have a hard time knowing what to say, you can practice what to say ahead of time.

16. Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations - Sometimes, it is not the social skills we lack, but rather the lack of self confidence that we may succeed, and a heightened fear that we will fail. Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help to desensitize your fear towards the situation. The more you force yourself to face it, and to experience it completely, you will realize that it is not that bad after all. It may be hard for your ego to accept at first, but quickly you will find that you can just laugh and enjoy it.

17. The Three Questions - During social settings where you may experience nervousness, periodically ask yourself the following three questions. Doing so will distract yourself from more self-destructive thoughts. Make it your mantra:

Am I breathing?
Am I relaxed?
Am I moving with grace?

18. What is Comfortable for You? - Going to bars and clubs isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. Understand what feels comfortable for you, and find people, communities and activities which bring out the best in you. You can be just as equally social in settings that you connect with on a personal level, than the popular social settings. You don’t have to be doing what “everyone” else is doing. Besides, everyone else isn’t necessarily happy, despite your perception as such.

19. Focus on the Moment - Becoming mindful of what you’re doing, regardless of what you’re doing, will take focus away from the self. When you are having a conversation, forget about how you look, focus on the words, fall into the words, become absorbed in the words. The tones. The expression. Appreciate it and give gratitude for it.

20. Seek and Record Your Successes - As you overcome this condition we’ve been labeling as shyness, you will have many wins and realizations about yourself. You will gain insights into the truth behind social scenarios. You will start to view yourself differently and come to recognize that you can become comfortable and confident. When these wins and realizations happen, make sure to keep a notebook and write them down. Keeping a journal of your successes will not only boost self confidence, but also shift your focus towards something that can benefit you.

What are some of your moments of shyness? What did you do to overcome them? If you haven’t overcome them, why do you think that is the case & what can you do about it next time? See you in the comments! :)

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Book: Pocket Guide to Making Successful Small Talk
Book: How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks
Book: The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook
Psychology Today: Shedding Shyness
Psychology Today: Shyness: The New Solution
Audio: Secrets of Extreme Self-Esteem

100 Responses (80 Comments, 20 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Marc and Angel Hack Life

Jul 01 08, 6:06 pm PDT

1
Tina,

This reminds me of my wife’s favorite quote:

“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid”
- Claudia Lady Bird Johnson

Another wonderful article! Dugg! ;-)

Marc C.
Peter | The Change Blog

Jul 01 08, 6:12 pm PDT

2
Excellent article as always Tina. All these tips are great, but I particularly find #16 “Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations” to be effective in combating shyness. Although uncomfortable, such situations give me a rush and make me feel alive. Whenever I feel myself becoming shy, I try to recall this feeling and then just do it, whether “it” is approaching a stranger or standing in front of a room full of people to give a talk.

*************************
REPLY

I approach strangers a lot. Now, it’s the strangers who are more nervous and shy than I am. haha…

standing in front of a room full of people to give a talk.

I need to do that. Thanks for the reminder Pete! Toast masters.. here I come. :)

Tina
Shilpan | successsoul.com

Jul 01 08, 6:18 pm PDT

3
Tina,

I’ve been shy during my early childhood till late teenage years. In college, I met with a friend who never knew fear and he was full of life. He was my roommate. After six months together with him, I stumbled upon a shiny truth - I needed to come out of my own shell. That’s all.
I’ve been very outgoing, positive since then. Thanks for sharing this.

Shilpan
Daniel Edlen

Jul 01 08, 7:28 pm PDT

4
Great suggestions for introspection, Tina.

I’ve also found recently because I’m spending so much time promoting my artwork that having something to talk about, something that I’m passionate about, can make any self-conscious hang-ups melt away. It becomes about the topic, and making the connection, instead of about me. I was and am quite shy when talking about myself without context, but that disappears when I get to rambling about what I do, (like right now!)

Peace.
Daniel Richard | WE

Jul 01 08, 7:32 pm PDT

5
Looking back when I was in secondary school, I wasn’t the type who would talk to others without much problem. I’d say that I was a super introvert back then. Haha.

The cool thing is that years later, I’ve learnt to like myself more (#4), and that there are things I have in my mind that others would benefit lots from - and vice versa.

I too agree with most of the points there in your article Tina, like not to label ourselves. I had stop saying that I’m a shy person ever since 2 years ago, and that actually helped after a period of time.
John Rocheleau

Jul 01 08, 7:34 pm PDT

6
When we see that we are shy, and then begin to overcome it using methods such as these, we discover that there is much more to us than we previously gave ourselves credit for.

From that point onward, the world is a bigger, brighter place.

:-)
John
Sara

Jul 01 08, 8:20 pm PDT

7
I’m so happy that you made the distinction between shyness and introversion up front. It’s a huge misconception that the two are interchangeable. As annoying as that assumption is to introverts, it doesn’t help extrovert-leaning folks, either. I’m sure a few shy extrovert-inclined people feel like a light bulb is going off above their heads after reading this.
NivasKapil

Jul 01 08, 8:41 pm PDT

8
Tina,
I strongly Believe in “Incantations” than just “Affirmations”..

“Incantations involves active usuage of Emotional triad” and that makes them so much powerful….

BTW,
awesome one…
Keep going..
Jonathan Mead

Jul 01 08, 8:59 pm PDT

9
The best thing for me is to just feel the discomfort and do it anyway. I used to be nervous of talking to strangers or making eye contact with people I would cross on the street. Now I make a point to make eye contact with everyone and initiate greeting them. It’s become such a habit now I don’t even think about it. =)
Sara

Jul 01 08, 9:15 pm PDT

10
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read right now. Thanks so much! GREAT advice. I’ve come over my social anxieties many times but I always fall back into it somehow. I just need reminders and affirmation of all of the things I can do. I know I can overcome it and be myself, I just need to remember that I can.
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Jul 01 08, 9:40 pm PDT

11
Good advice. I will write about this battle on monday.

Entering university I was very shy and I would avoid answering any questions (like the majority of the rest of the class). 4 years later I was teaching later year classes as a tutor, a very big change.

One key practice was battling fear not just everyday, but in every moment.
Giyen

Jul 01 08, 9:41 pm PDT

12
Tina,
Thanks for such great posts. It’s inspiring!

Though no one would probably describe me this way - I am exceedingly shy. I just put on my game face and just do it.

I find that getting older (and wiser) helps with shyness as well. I don’t have issues with looking “silly” anymore. :-)

Cheers!
Erik
Jul 01 08, 10:51 pm PDT

13
You guys are really insightful. This is a really honest article and just reading it makes me feel better. Even though I’m not shy upfront, I still have all those nervous habits (such as “pre-occupation with self”). Thanks for writing such a great article!
R

Jul 01 08, 11:35 pm PDT

14
Grate article. Very useful for all types of people.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Jul 02 08, 1:02 am PDT

15
“11. Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation”

- I guess most shy people would really do just the opposite. Faced in an unfamiliar situation, the best strategy they can come up with is to leave.

Indeed, we need to learn to face our fears, to conquer it and realize that the worst that can ever happen in any situation is that You get a “NO”.

I wrote a related post on Why it does not pay to be shy not too long ago… Learn from the lessons… start living the life you deserve… =)
Scott McIntyre
Jul 02 08, 2:01 am PDT

16
Thank you Amanda and Tina for such a helpful post. It’s interesting to learn of the tools and techniques you both use to overcome shyness.

As you suggest, even the most intraverted person can come out of their shell when they find themselves in a supportive environment. Yet, given the same situation, the extravert might very well withdraw.

What factors lead to a supportive environment? You mention several that are internal and external to us. I guess confidence in our own skills and abilities, at that particular point in time, is a major factor. Equally crucial, is the combination of this with a good level of trust in the people around us.

I’ve read that actors are often very shy and that “playing a part” allows them to overcome this.

I’d be interested in your thoughts on what, if any, lessons we can learn from actors and whether “adopting a persona” can help us to overcome our shyness.
still shy!
Jul 02 08, 3:09 am PDT

17
These are great tips, but Iet me try to explain something about shyness. I have always been incredibly shy. I have been trying to improve for years, pushing myself “out in the world”, forcing myself to talk to new people every day in classes, at work, on the street, whatever. Sometimes I do fine, and sometimes I’m filled with such an incapacitating fear that I shake, stutter, and my face contorts in fear. During bad periods, people can’t help but notice how shy I am and they either pity me (which I hate) or they laugh at me. You see, I agree with the idea that most people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice you, but shy people can sometimes act in ways that seem really strange to a normal person which draws negative attention to themselves. The thing I hate most about my shyness is its inconsistency. Some days I can give a speech, or walk into a party and speak to everyone there and enjoy it. Other days I won’t answer the door or be able to speak to anyone, even people I know well. My only point here is that despite their best efforts to improve, shyness is REALLY debilitating for some people and they may never completely overcome it. I will always keep on trying, but oftentimes it feels that I make no progress at all.
Gerald
Jul 02 08, 4:00 am PDT

18
Good article. I like that you threw in some research too, instead of just banging out something off the top of your head.

One resource that helped me a lot was www.succeedsocially.com. It’s not so much about shyness as improving your social skills, but I found it covers a lot of the same problems that shy people have trouble with.
Maria: Never the Same River Twice

Jul 02 08, 4:36 am PDT

19
I’m terrible at mingling - unless I define an objective for myself. For example, if I’m at a professional event, I might make it my goal to talk with people about their work and look for connections with what I’m doing. This gets my mind off my shyness and gives me something to work toward.
Mohammed Ali

Jul 02 08, 4:52 am PDT

20
Hi Tina,
Great post! This is what I do to overcome shyness:

* During a meeting, rather than focussing on what people are thinking about me, I focus all attention on what is being discussed. Sounds simple, but works very well.

* Irrespective of one’s outer appearences & personality, be aware that we are neither better nor lesser than anyone. Beyond our self-image, we are all the children of God.
JImmy DoWhipp
Jul 02 08, 5:02 am PDT

21
Just DO IT. thats the best way I know of, just DO IT!

JT
http://www.FireME.To/udi
Joseph Bernard

Jul 02 08, 5:42 am PDT

22
Excellent article with lots of helpful ideas.

One thing you missed was the innate nature of some people. Introverts are not as comfortable in new crowds and it is not because there is something wrong with them. I am one and I tend to be more introspective and quiet. I am more an observer and contemplative. I can do new places and people if I set my mind to it but otherwise I watch and observe because people are so fascinating.

Thanks for sharing all this good information,

Joseph
www.explorelifeblog.com
www.peace-together.com
Laurie

Jul 02 08, 5:52 am PDT

23
This is a great article - lots of good, solid advice. I particularly like #15: “If you have a hard time knowing what to say, you can practice what to say ahead of time.” The link “what to say ahead of time” is additional good advice. We tend to think we’re “on the spot” when we’re with others, but we can do some preparation beforehand.

When I’m about to go into a new social situation, I think about who may be there and come up with some questions to ask others. This way, I get other people talking and as they do, I find more things to ask them about and can often insert a few comments or stories about myself to balance off the conversation (so it’s not an interrogation!).
Dexter Barsinister
Jul 02 08, 5:56 am PDT

24
I’d just like to point out that this article is 100% bullshit. The causes of shyness are weak self-image, preoccupation with self, and labeling, this article says.
In the real world, where shyness is investigated by scientists, shyness is a temperamental trait that is largely genetically inherited. In fact, decades of research by Kaplan et al have shown that adult shyness can be predicted 70% of the time from the way an infant behaves in its first few months of life.
So swallow this psycho-babble bilge if you have an appetite for it, but don’t mistake it for truth.
aw

Jul 02 08, 6:36 am PDT

25
Focus on Other People - Good idea ^_^
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul

Jul 02 08, 6:44 am PDT

26
Great article, Tina! I think gaining the freedom to be my authentic Self is what helped me overcome the shyness of my early teenage years. I had been labeled a “music geek” in my junior high. I switched schools when I was fifteen and somehow knew that this fresh start was a huge opportunity to be myself! It was scary and intimidating to be in a new environment (it was a boarding school, so this was a 24-7 deal!), but I started out on exactly the right foot and ended up getting along very well with pretty much everyone.

I think giving ourselves permission to simply be who we are allows us to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter what.

Blessings,
Andrea
United Voices

Jul 02 08, 8:00 am PDT

27
One thing that I’ve learnt is that first of all its oneself who has to decide that one’s got to change. After that, the whole world is yours.

If you want to change, you should start from yourself. Maybe sometime, the first step is to attack one’s shyness.
Jonathan
Jul 02 08, 8:50 am PDT

28
Hey you guys should check out EFT techniques. I have overcome alot of emotional problems, including shyness, using these techniques. They are quite amazing!!!! You can learn more www.emofree.com
wolfius

Jul 02 08, 8:55 am PDT

29
Hi! great article :)

I wanted to ask for permission to translate it to spanish and publish it on my blog as a page outside the timeline… with the link to this page and credits of course :)
Dani
Jul 02 08, 8:56 am PDT

30
Ha! I love this. The answer to shyness is to get to know yourself. Take yourself on a a self-date. The reason this is so awesome is because I’m pretty much guaranteed to get laid at the end of that date. Best date ever!
Daniel Edlen

Jul 02 08, 9:20 am PDT

31
@Dexter - Tina’s posts are about techniques to help people in their daily lives. To condemn the entire post because you believe entirely in the scientific “nature” argument over the psychological “nuture” position isn’t very helpful. Whatever the cause of shyness or any issue that Tina discusses, her techniques for handling them are culled from some very distinguished sources and she’s applied them in her own life. Is the entire self-help industry bunk? Does it matter if it helps?

Peace.
Hunter Nuttall

Jul 02 08, 9:30 am PDT

32
I’m so glad you made a distinction between introversion and shyness. I think it’s much more helpful to realize that these things are different (even if somewhat correlated). I’m planning a pro-introvert post, and I’ll be linking to your great tips for those introverts (or extraverts) who happen to also be shy!
Anthony
Jul 02 08, 10:26 am PDT

33
Simple-high school (effects which I still have yet a chance to wear off since graduation)

Things were disastrous with girls I liked-well that and it was almost like I had multiple personality disorder. All in one sitting I was shy, and then I wasn’t. This showed the most in acting class-I’d get on stage and perform my heart out, and the next second-be dead quiet when some girl sat near me.

..just the way I am. It’s still like that-extremely unshy one moment, a complete 180 the next…it’s frustrating-I wanna stick to the unshy person the entire time! When I’m off to college I wanna be confident enough to freely express my art (something I’m still EXTREMELY shy on people judging) and of course-dating…to this day I’ve still never had the pleasure of a girlfriend…ever.

My chosen career field is 2-d animation, how the hell am I gonna make it when I freak out about showing other people my cartoons?! (I’m afraid they won’t accept my new ideas!)
Jesse Hines

Jul 02 08, 11:15 am PDT

34
Guys,

Nice, helpful, and comprehensive article.

I especially liked this statement:

“Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social situations, focus on other people and what they have to say.”

That’s key–forget about yourself and how others perceive you and just focus on enjoying getting to know others, asking them questions about themselves, listening to the answers, and responding appropriately.

This statement is also really good:

“Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help to desensitize your fear towards the situation.”

If we’re too hung up on ourselves and not interested enough in other people, then we’ll be paying too much attention to ourselves and how others respond to us as opposed to simply getting know others.

Good article. Thanks.
steven
Jul 02 08, 11:54 am PDT

35
Thanks a lot! I´ll put this on practice, I really need to. I hope to forget about this shyness soon. Thank you.
Naomi Niles

Jul 02 08, 12:22 pm PDT

36
I’ve dealt with a lot of issues around being shy most of my life too. One thing that’s really helped me, surprisingly, is cleaning up my diet and cutting carbs in particular. I figured out that they make me feel nervous, unsettled, and foggy. Exercise is a really good one too. It’s important to get rid of that extra energy.
Pseudo Photographer

Jul 02 08, 12:29 pm PDT

37
The easiest way to talk to people if you’re shy is just to ask questions. Everyone loves talking about themselves =)
Jeff@MySuper-Charged Life

Jul 02 08, 1:20 pm PDT

38
I think we are all shy in certain situations. Therefore, the information you provide here is valuable to us all. For me, I find the best way to overcome my inhibitions in certain situations is to do so quickly without thinking about it too long. It is like ripping off a band-aid in one quick motion. Once it’s done, then there is nothing to fear.

This is an incredibly detailed and useful article!
Murtaza
Jul 02 08, 1:31 pm PDT

39
The tips for overcoming shyness were really really great….thanks :)
Jennifer

Jul 02 08, 2:06 pm PDT

40
Love this article! I think you did a great job of identifying some simple things people can do to help cope with this problem. I mostly find that I face shyness problems when I’m in a social situation that’s outside my comfort zone. The next time I’m faced with one of these situations I’m definitely going to be coming back to this article.
elizabeth

Jul 02 08, 4:28 pm PDT

41
I used to be very shy. I once read a book about how to overcome it. One of the tips was to talk to strangers. If you’re waiting in line, on a bus, etc. This gets you used to just small talk. I really worked hard at doing this. It was not easy. After a while it really becomes simple. I also compliment a person if I want to meet them. Things like “Wow, what a great tie.” I love your perfume.” I’ve learned over the years that even if I don’t “really” mean it, people soften when they hear it. I also ask people questions about themselves. People really do love to talk about themselves. It also takes the pressure off of you to keep the conversation going. People laugh when I refer to myself as shy. What they don’t realize is that they are really doing the talking, not me.
Paul Anthony

Jul 02 08, 6:05 pm PDT

42
Tina for me will be good writer, share point-of-view how to improve your life. Very interesting write up, that you will realize and say to yourself “it’s me , the real me”. because overcome this shyness.

Thanks Tina…See you…
Darrell

Jul 02 08, 6:25 pm PDT

43
Very interesting article, we find in life that times of shyness can also be someone’s time to think through the issues at hand. I think being shy sometimes develops a person’s self control, that self control in a person may be the developing exercise needed to perform the task at hand. Many life’s are tapped by shyness, is it shyness that creates the image of a person, or is shyness a part of a developing mine waiting to offer a idea that has been created by some type of resilient form?

As Jesse stated, some people are just hung up on there self, when this happens one may seem shy, To make a judgment call If someone is being shy is hard to determine. Peoples mines work in strange ways, as this response will surely make clear.

Theirs no way I can get into the argument over the psychological nature of this topic, however the approach that I’ve taken here is from dealing with business associated over the last 35 years. I don’t know the ages of the readers here, but I would guess to say that several are younger and will develop new outlooks on the Topic Of Shyness.

My personal thought on shyness is that its something one should grow out of once they call there self an adult, If you run around shy (if that’s what you want to call it) you must have other issues that are much more that being shy.

No I’m not excluded from this trap of shyness, this does affect people and I’m sure its much more to it than I can conclude. I went through this until I was about 20 or so, I was working with a Naval Officer and he came up to me one day and stated this. Darrell you have the potential to develop your business and do amazing things in your life.
BUT! when you have the option of speaking when you should you fail. So I explained that my nerves went crazy and I got very shy sort of speak.
Soultion from Mr. Navy, you worry about other people and what they think. Don’t worry about what other people think and be yourself. It took getting use too but it worked, in 6 months I had exceeded the ranks of many that had the chance for over 10 years.
Since, I’ve built upon the fact that shyness is a weakness’ that no one can use to there advantage. I deal with Harvard Grads and other high powered educated clients that would break most people down. You would be surprised of the reactions that occur when my clients expect to be meeting with what I’ll call one of there kind and there able to relax and be there self because the person that there meeting with is not one hung on himself and can be a realist and be his self. The Power of self confidence is a dominated factor is dealing with any type of shyness.

Andrea

Is on the right track, common sense is used to deal with everything, We should all think this way.

I think giving ourselves permission to simply be who we are allows us to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter what.

It only makes sense.

An Advisor
bramster

Jul 03 08, 2:12 am PDT

44
Tina,

I am pleased you are back from your sabbatical - your content over the last few weeks has been fantastic!

You are a real inspiration.

Bramster

digg worthy :)
Alison Wiley

Jul 03 08, 7:21 am PDT

45
I really like the emphasis here on knowing who we are and what we are about, and then being brave enough to show that to the world. We’ve all got something valuable to offer. Here is the shape that my own overcoming of shyness has taken: http://www.diamondcutlife.org/about/
Will is GALVANIZD

Jul 04 08, 7:30 am PDT

46
HEY TINA!

ROCK SOLID article on overcoming shyness! I remember reading a similar post on pickthebrain and I didn’t comment on it for one reason or another.

Since I *LOVE* anything to do with success in social situations and I didn’t comment on that post, I was compelled to reply this one :)

I think out of your post of 20 ways to attack shyness, the 5 MOST POWERFUL of the list are:

- Learning to Like Yourself
- Focus on Other People
- Visualization
- Practice your social skills (tied to don’t leave uncomfortable situations, practice being in uncomfortable situations and what is comfortable)
-Seek and record your successes

These five (or 20%) would probably round account for 80% for overcoming a person’s shyness if they’re continually cultivated. I’ll go so far as guaranteeing that it will not only help people in overcoming shyness but also help becoming charismatic and awesome in connecting with people in general :)

Kudos to you for helping the thousands of people who read your lovely blog to break out of their shells and connecting with other people!

Cheers!

- Will
Desiree
Jul 05 08, 11:03 am PDT

47
This article is totally not correct. Shyness is something people are literally born with. It even runs in families. Shy people don’t have any worse self esteem than outgoing people. Sheesh! Talk about labels!!!
kate
Jul 05 08, 5:10 pm PDT

48
hi
great author

your article is very helpful and pleased, it make me feel couraged ,because things can change only it you keep self-improvement, i love to be intresting in others and learning others and put into practise every moment.
Andre Young
Jul 05 08, 6:02 pm PDT

49
great article, it helped me to clear some things i’ve been wondering.
keep up the good work =D
Julian
Jul 06 08, 7:43 am PDT

50
Hello! I’m new to your site but after thoroughly enjoying reading this article, I know I’ll be coming back again and again. Although I consider myself friendly and open now, I used to be really really shy throughout my childhood up into high school. It wasn’t until college that I swallowed my pride and threw myself out there and tried to make as much friends as possible. Of course, I’ve been rejected many times, but I was fortunate to meet some incredible people along the way. There was also this girl in college who I had the biggest crush on. Every time I saw her I would have like a nervous break down and sweat. One day I met her through a friend, and she ended up being very open and friendly. After a few weeks I decided to ask for her number and she gladly gave it to me. Although she ultimately only viewed me as a friend, we became so close that she told me I was her best guy friend. That’s when I realized that although things may not turn out the way we envisioned it to be, just fact that I was her best guy friend made me forget about trying to be her boyfriend or anything like that, and that the most important thing was whatever made her happy, was what made me happy too. We hang out all the time now and I couldn’t be any luckier!
Hari Karam Singh

Jul 07 08, 9:23 am PDT

51
Great article. I also “enjoy” putting myself into uncomfortable situations sometimes… Though…someone once told me something that totally blew my mind. I had confided in her that I just never felt comfortable around certain groups of people that were pervading my life at the time and I always just blamed myself, my insecurities…etc.. She told me, “No, the reason why you were uncomfortable is simple. You were just waiting for people to come along who were worthy of your company.”

My advice: Don’t always assume you are to blame. Some people aren’t ready for someone of your calibre ;)

Hari Karam
Regally Graceful™
Dan
Jul 07 08, 11:00 pm PDT

52
It is important to distinguish between shyness and introversion. While shyness can be overcome, introversion is a character trait that is often confused with shyness, and sometimes demeaned.

An introvert may prefer solitary pursuits and their social skills may become rusty. Under pressure from 3/4 ths of the population who are extroverts, the introvert may wrongly seek to become extroverted; an impossible task.

The Kearsey temperment sorter or the Myers Briggs test are good indicators of personality traits. Web sites devoted to them will explain quite a bit about introversion, and other traits.

Its important to know the difference between fear based aversion shyness, and ( for introverts ) a preference for less social pursuits.

My $.02
Spencer

Jul 10 08, 6:06 am PDT

53
Many here have made comments suggesting that shyness is genetic and therefore cannot be overcome. Looking back on my life, I would certainly say I was always “introverted”… there’s evidence of that in my earliest memories… I must say there is also evidence of “shyness”, though not nearly as pronounced, and almost always circumstantial.
My point here is that “introversion”, may be an inherent trait that cannot (or maybe should not) be overcome, but shyness is something different entirely. There’s a fluidity to mine that tells me if I could just “crack the code”, I can be just as comfortable as I am in situation A as I have always been in situation B. I certainly hope that’s the case. I’ve always believed in our ability to change… even on a cellular level… so to suggest that people “born” with shyness (and I argue that may not be possible) can not change using the very helpful suggestion written here, is misguided at best.

Thanks for a wonderful article. Best of luck to all.
Ces

Jul 10 08, 6:25 pm PDT

54
The “I can do it” principle helps a lot in overcoming shyness.
Bryn
Jul 10 08, 7:09 pm PDT

55
When I was a little kid I used to be mainly JUST shy and kind of out of touch with reality and the two fed off each other. When I was thrust into an uncomfortable situation in 5th grade (being sent to a new and MUCH bigger school) it forced me to come out of my shell and meet new people and trust me, it was earth-shaking for my little 5th grade self. Thankfully I have improved leaps and bounds since back then, but I still have moments of self doubt and “shyness”.

Now as a senior in high school I am one of those people who is both shy and outgoing at the same time. I can be really extroverted for example when I am in school. From 8.00-3.00 I am pretty much non stop an extrovert - always talking to people, making jokes, laughing, etc. It’s a lot easier for me to be like that in school because there is a ROUTINE and I have mastered the routine…it’s a lot easier to “break” the rules if you will when there ARE “rules”. But thrust me into summertime and I feel like wild coyote after he has run off a cliff - he is kind of just suspended there in mid air for a while before he starts to fall. You know, that kind of “high” feeling you have, the feeling of confidence and self-assurance that comes from succesfully navigating throughout different social situations. In this case, I mean the school year. I’m good for a couple of weeks, hanging out with friends, feeling good, etc. But after a while that feeling starts to decline - I don’t SEE these people every day so it’s harder to plan outings, hanging out, going to see movies and stuff. In addition to that I don’t have siblings so besides when I hang out with friends or whatever I am basically kind of stuck in a different world - a world where the interests of my family are the main ones influencing my life. Not that I am a total loner or anything, I do have friends and we do hang out in the summer. It’s just that having once been a chronically shy person I realize what it USED to be like for me…When I turn around I can see the darkness way back there in the tunnel I just came out of…My confidence in my own abilities starts to slip…I become more introverted because I kinda just want to stay home all day and watch tv or surf the internet because its too much effort to try and coordinate things with other people…not to mention that a deep core part of me is still afraid. But I’m trying to remind myself of a lot of the things you mentioned every day - that I am awesome, that I am talented, that people DO want to hear what I have to say, but I have to believe in myself before they will believe in me!! I don’t know how well I explained any of my feelings there..you might be scratching your head wondering wtf is she talking about, Wile E. Coyote?

But yeah either way it’s a load off my chest…Good luck to all you fellow sufferers of the “shyness disease”! I feel ya and i empathize. Not that I am in any real position to pontificate, but my advice to you is that essentially as a “shy person” you have to work a little harder at thinking optimistically. Also, this is important, but if you don’t want to be “shy” then just DON’T! I know it sounds crazy but it’s true…if you want people to think you are comfortable in social situations then you have to MAKE them feel that way…the vibe you give off in social situations is extremely influential..for example if you’ve ever gone to starbucks and walked up to the “barista” and just ordered your tall chai latte and wondered why they weren’t as ’sunny’ with you as they were with the previous customer, it’s probably because you weren’t being sunny with them! Crazy? No it’s not! Because 9 times out of 10 if you walk up to the counter with a smile on your face and make pleasantries with the person (”I’m excellent, how are you?”) they will consequently be cheerier too.

If you are beating yourself up because after simple interactions like that you feel like you are misliked or you messed up and then subsequently avoid future interactions as a result it’s probably because you went into it thinking you would fail. It all sounds so “motivational speaker-y” to say but I know all that from personal experience…and I have been on both sides of that example. Most importantly, like I said before, you must believe in yourself before people will believe in you!!! It’s so important to know that!! Ok, getting off the soapbox now. Much love……b
dan

Jul 11 08, 7:00 am PDT

56
Really just a great article and comment section. I think that just knowing I’m not the only shy person out there will help in social situations. Anxiety is my personal enemy, but with some of your tips, hopefully I’ll be able to start wearing that label down. Thanks a lot =]
Jo

Jul 11 08, 7:02 pm PDT

57
Hello, I am new to your site and have to say how much I have enjoyed this srticle. I believe I landed here just at the right moment. I am 50+ and have always been what I thought was shy and hated going to social gatherings. Have only recently discovered I was suffering from low self esteem. Have been working on it and am really encouraged by the progress made. Thanks again.
fiona

Jul 12 08, 6:28 pm PDT

58
We become shy when we think inferior of others. Always remember that we are all equal, what makes other to stand out is they choose what they wanted to become:)
Srinivas Rao

Jul 16 08, 2:47 pm PDT

59
They made me do a psych profile at work and one of my strengths was “woo” and the very last line reads:

“In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet—lots of them.”

So, I always keep that in mind.
Personal Trainer

Jul 18 08, 11:02 am PDT

60
This is a great list. Shyness can actually be a big problem. Being shy on the outside usually leads to internal dpression.
alex
Jul 19 08, 12:26 am PDT

61
wow….this article has just came at the right time for me, I thought I was just really different from everyone, but now I know that most of the people is shy at certain situations, for me the most uncomfortable situation is for example when I notice the other person´s shyness while talking to him, and of course I get nervous too, I just dont know if I am causing him that shyness, and sometimes the goodbye part is even more uncomfortable, but I guess that after reading this I´ll just say the hell with that.

Another tip I would like to share is to be spontaneous because sometimes thinking to much about the things you want to say are just not said with same gesture and excitement , it would rather seem like if you were acting it. I can notice that for example when calling the girl I like , the conversation with her would be totally different if just grab the phone and call her, than thinking too much about calling her or not. Believe me it’s a good one.

*********************
REPLY

I too sometimes feel shy if talking to another person who is experiencing it. Similarly, if that person is very nervous or stressed, it can rub off on me too. I think on some level, we are all connected, and in these situations, it is not us who are shy or nervous or stressed. But rather, we are picking up on their experiences and feeling from their perspective.

Tina
Cocky and funny

Jul 21 08, 5:10 am PDT

62
Hey, I think that putting yourself outside of your comfort zone is a great way to desensitize yourself and therefore be less shy.

Talking to random strangers helps a lot as well… the more practice you get, the easier it is. Ultimately, I think the socializing skill is just something you have to work at.
Eleni
Jul 23 08, 6:15 am PDT

63
Great article. You’re quite insightful.
Susan Nickerson DC

Jul 23 08, 9:13 am PDT

64
Great article — personal power is very important to self esteem and overcoming shyness…
Christie

Jul 23 08, 9:08 pm PDT

65
This is a great post. It always amazes me how different people are. One person could be totally outgoing while another is totally not comfortable in a social environment. I was once one of those shy kids. With practice, I was able to break my shell. Toastmasters helped also.
Brooke
Jul 24 08, 4:13 am PDT

66
Very good article.

I am a shy person. Very quiet. Just a very hours ago I went in a classroom at College with a room full of strangers. I was a bit nervous at first but as soon as the class started chatting away, I just sat and listened, spoke sometimes. I actually had a red face thoughout the whole session, but I did not care, I just laughed it off when I came home.

See the thing is, we are shy in some situations but the more we put ourselves in situtations and put ourselves out there, we can get more comfortable. I did not know anyone at college first off, but then someone started talking to me and we get along.

The key is, to put yourself out there, go to social outings, join clubs. Whatever social outing interests you and just go for it. Be positive about life. Remember, mistakes are always made, but we learn from them. In fact, we actually make mistakes every now and then and we will never stop learning, as long as we are breathing.

That is actually advice to myself. I got to find a job soon. And hopefully everyone can learn from my words too!

Top Five Tips to overcoming shyness.

1) Love yourself for who you are - I am Hearing Impaired and I am not shy about it, Today, I told the class that I was hearing impaired, I didn’t care, neither did the class. Say to yourself, this is who I am, this is who I look like and I love myself for who I am.

2) Whatever your interested in, whether it would be a kind of sport etc. Get involved. The more you surround yourself with people, the more of a social being you will be.

3) Before you leave, talk to yourself and say, Hi how are you, I look good today, I feel good today, I am healthy, I am breathing and say “I am going to conquer the world”.

I hope this help the people who are shy. God Bless!
O. Foufoutos
Jul 24 08, 2:09 pm PDT

67
Interesting article!

Here are some tips I’d like to share though:

1. Be spontaneous! Don’t write down what you’re going to say, go with the flow. When talking to someone you don’t feel “safe” try to think he/she is your friend (even if it’s not true)

2. Job Interviews. Even if you have a good job, it’s good practice.

3. Exercise. Even 10 or 20 push-ups everyday is enough to grow your self esteem and muscles.

4. Chemistry. A lot of it has to do with chemistry. Try avoiding junk food, stop smoking, avoid drugs as much as you can.

5. Go to public toilets. If you are pee-shy you should do something about it. Start going to toilets, whether it’s at work or a restaurant, just go. If you do so and you can’t actually “go” just flush the toilet, no big deal.. try next time.

6. Introduce yourself. When you’re about to meet some person, don’t let the others introduce you, do it yourself.

7. Supermarkets. Go there. Great place to ask a lot of meaningless questions. Be creative.

8. Shopping. Even if you don’t want to buy any clothes, just try them.

9. Stop thinking your “shyness” is a “condition”. Start thinking it is just something temporary rather than permanent. Even if it was permanent, so what? Be happy about yourself.

10. Be honest with yourself and with others. Don’t try to be someone. Show your style. I find people having an awkward style more interesting.

11. Talk to people that are more shy than you are. Talk about yourself (not too much) Ask questions that cannot have a yes or no as an answer. Avoid talking about the weather.

12. Don’t try to be funny. Let the time and place be right for it.

13. Laugh! as hard as you can but let it come out naturally. Smile at people and show them you are positive. When makes a joke about you, laugh! and make another one about you! Don’t be offended. Stay cool

14. Talk about your fears with your best buddies, it’s very important to let them know

15. Let your anger out. When someone is being rude, or gets to your nerves, just let them know.

16. Sleep. If you don’t sleep enough you should. A good night sleep is essential.

17. Help people. Wherever and whenever you can, do so.

18. Simplify your thoughts. There is nothing complex when going to the local grocery store, or the bank, or when you use public transportation. Just do what you have to do without thinking too much about how to do it.

Finally just don’t follow any textbook. There is no standard way of overcoming your fears. Say something silly, be creative. Call your friends for no reason, just say hi. Go to the park, drive. Stop being a perfectionist, don’t overstyle your hair. Talk with the taxi driver. Stop thinking too much, talk to people you know you’ll probably never going to meet again. Go to a cafe alone, order some coffee and read your newspaper. You can stand in the middle of anywhere for no reason at all and watch people passing by.

You are strong and you know it, you can deal with any kind of situation. Even if you where alone in this world you would survive. You don’t have to be alone though. It’s a great thing others exist.

Be simple.

Brush your teeth every day
and talk.
ghalia
Jul 28 08, 11:25 am PDT

68
Tina
Your blog & tips is very useful I enjoy it too much
Thank u very and
Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Jul 30 08, 7:18 pm PDT

69
Excellent collaboration. I now know that Amanda has a blog, too! I will check it out.

When I was younger, I was shy. Especially in any situation that I stood even the smallest chance of looking stupid. Especially around girls. :-) It was fear, nothing but fear. I was, paradoxically, an introverted extrovert. I could get crazy afraid, but still feel that I had to be in front of people. Being young is rough. I kind of lost most of this shyness in my 20’s and 30’s. Spiritual growth was the key.
Vacation Rentals By Owner

Jul 31 08, 2:36 pm PDT

70
Great post. I know I experience shyness at times in large groups.

Think Simple Now. A Blog on Creativity, Productivity, and Happiness.