9 Ways to Overcome Jealousy

Photo by Ernie Land

Have you ever felt yourself resenting another person just because of their perceived success? Do you hear yourself justifying their success with some trivial reason so that you can easily dismiss them (and consequently feel good about yourself)? Through my experiences, I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. But to what benefit does it serve?

Not only is the feeling of jealousy not conducive for relationship building and effective communication, but it just doesn’t us feel very good. Can you relate? That uncomfortable tightness in your stomach? Why do we put ourselves through it?

In relationships, this emotion is so pervasive and instantaneous that people fail to take time, step back and evaluate it. It breaks communication, compassion and damages relationships. I know that I have been jealous and I am intimately aware of the impact it can have on a relationship. When we are in a state of jealousy, we are operating in a state of instinctual survival mode. We are acting out of scarcity. In this state, we are irrational and the only thing we can think about is ourselves. We fail to consider the feelings and impact of our behavior on other people. But when we operate from a place of abundance, we unleash the human spirit, think compassionately towards others. We can free ourselves from negative emotions.

In a workplace, jealousy can be the fear of disrespect from our peers (“if she is better than me, then I will be replaced.”); thus unloved. In a business, the fear of loss in market-share, sales, customers and bankruptcy; thus unloved.

I learned that my jealousy was very much driven from my ego’s cry for attention. Deep down inside, I was just a little child, arms wrapped around myself, scared and wanting to be loved.

The following are methods to help reduce and eliminate this negative thought pattern:

Fully Experience the Feeling – By telling yourself not to feel jealous, you will never be able to get out of it. “What we resist persists”. But if we bring awareness into the equation and deeply understand the situation, we’ll start to eliminate the negative emotions. Allow yourself to fully feel the feeling of jealousy. By facing the emotion directly and fully experiencing it, you’ll see that the feeling will start to diminish. I have also found this experience to work with anger towards another, and fear of a situation.
Find a place alone where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes, and start to feel the jealousy. Observe where that feeling is coming from? How is it reflecting in your body? Does your throat feel tight? Is it your stomach? Does your heart ache? Become the observer. It’s important to fully allow the feeling to surface. Recognize that it isn’t you, but your ego’s crave for attention in the name of survival. Keep observing, and in a few seconds you’ll see that the feeling will slowly disperse. By practicing this, “you can move beyond the ego’s perspective and see reality from the perspective of a higher consciousness.”

“To overcome jealousy, just see how the jealousy came into your system, just analyze the sequence of thoughts and emotions in your system and then undo it by reasoning out the whole process with your intelligence.”
– Swamiji Nithyananda

Love Yourself -
“If you don’t fully accept and love yourself as you are, you could be more prone to comparing yourself to others as a way of artificially boosting your feeling of self-worth.” — Steve Pavlina

Self worth comes with self appreciation and love. People who are truly comfortable and secure with themselves, rarely let jealousy get in the way. Look within, spend time with yourself, get to know the real you. Choose to focus on yourself, instead of the person you are jealous of. Use your understanding of desires and your mind to change your perception. Know that you have everything you need to be whole, happy and complete right inside of you. Know that if you feel something is missing that you can have it, you can achieve it.

Stop Comparing – Nithyananda said, “Comparison is the seed and jealousy is the fruit!”. Comparison leads to jealousy, and both are mind-created states. “Our mind is so caught up in comparison that it misses the actual quality of what it sees. We need to drop the comparing attitude to be able to see things as they are.” (Nithyananda). Start by appreciating the differences. See the benefits of you uniqueness.
It is helpful to be reminded that there is no end to comparison, because there is no end to our expectations. Remember the last time you fulfilled a desired goal? Or received something you wanted? What happened to it 4 weeks later? Did you still appreciate it as much?

“Mind is that Illusion which shows a tiny mustard seed to be a huge mountain until it is attained, and a mountain to be as insignificant as a mustard seed once it has been attained!“
– Raman Maharshi

Find What’s Threatening You? – Ask yourself and see what is it about yourself that you feel is being threatened? What are you insecure about? What are you afraid to lose? What is it that you believe you deserve? Once you understand what this is, decide to overcome this insecurity with a rough plan. See how you can see the situation from a place of abundance rather than scarcity?
Write It Out - I’ve always found it helpful to think on paper. By writing down your thoughts, it gives you an opportunity to express yourself, but also lays your options out clearly on paper. It’s like seeing the city from an airplane, you have a clearer vision of the big-picture. Ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?” Write out all your reasons out on paper. Write without editing, jot down anything that comes to mind. You can organize the information later. Once you have all your reasons, write beside each one what you can do about it. Dig deep within yourself, find insight from your uncertainty.
Be Realistic – Ask yourself,
- Is the person really a threat to you? To your relationship? To your business?
- Is what you are feeling or doing creating any benefits for anyone involved? If it doesn’t feel very good and it’s not helping you, then does it make sense to continue feeling this way?
- Is there a lesson I can learn here? What is the inspiration I can gain from this situation?
Find Your Strength – Focus on your strengths and unique qualities. Feel gratitude for the gifts you have and abilities that you are blessed with. Once you identify what they are, then shift your focus.
Shift Your Focus - When we are feeling negative, it is sometimes difficult to think rationally. We are so focused on the negative feeling that we lose the big picture. Change your current emotional state by shifting your attention to something completely different. Like go for a jog, or start doing the dishes. Once you’ve cool down, come back to the situation with a clear and open mind.
“Is this what we want for ourselves?” – By feeling this way, we are giving this emotion our attention, in the process we are attracting to us like situations and perceptions for us to continue feeling this negative emotion. “What we sew is what we reap”. If you were in their shoes, would you want the same? How do you think the other person feel? Put yourself in their position. When I find someone more successful in my field, I celebrate their success as if it was my own, and I use their case as an example to model after.

How do you handle Jealousy? Share your experiences and insights in the comments.

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95 Responses (77 Comments, 18 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Alex Kay

Nov 19 07, 6:00 am PDT

1
This was a really great post, I have used a lot of these “techniques” in the past, when I wanted to “overcome” jealousy. Thanks :)
Raymond

Nov 19 07, 6:54 am PDT

2
Hi Tina,

“When we are in a state of jealousy, we are operating in a state of instinctual survival mode.”

I agree with you on this.

Will the human instinct make it hard for us to apply the 9 steps?

What’s your take? :)

Thanks. ;)
Tejvan Pettinger

Nov 19 07, 8:48 am PDT

3
Nice quote by Ramana Maharshi.

I think the best way is to try and feel a sense of oneness with other people who have achieved good things
Chris McCorkle

Nov 19 07, 9:56 am PDT

4
Tina, your translation of the exercise of observing feelings of jealousy is outstanding. Something so simple yet so helpful. Still, on the surface, I’m afraid to sit down and practice something so painful yet ultimately relieving. This is tied in with the looming issue of dishonesty I have with myself. Thank you for this post.
John

Nov 19 07, 10:00 am PDT

5
Chris, you make a good point. I’ve struggled with the same myself in the past. Still do, once in a while. The only real answer is to learn to trust yourself. Learn to be gentle with yourself. Realize and recognize that no matter what you find, you will still love yourself. Keep running that through your head until you can brave the fears. In my experience, when you finally get there, you’ll find that the fear was greater than the actual cause.
Tina Su

Nov 19 07, 10:01 am PDT

6
@Raymond,

Hi, :) Yes, I think human instinct will make make it challenging, you know what it feels like, we’ve all been there: we all know what the right thing to do sometimes, but when we are in that state, it’s challenging to think rationally.

I think the trick is to first get ourselves out of that irrational state first. For me, I get out of the irrational state by changing my physiology, like suddenly doing jumping-jacks or get up to do the dishes. And then I start to rationalize once my mind clears a little. Item 1 is the one that’s help me most in the past.

The thing is not to apply all 9. They serve as a reminder the tools we have. Use them as you see fit that best work for you. Hope that make sense. :)

Tina
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul

Nov 19 07, 11:12 am PDT

7
Hi Tina,

Great article! I’d love to add that jealousy sometimes stems from observing others embrace the potential that we ourselves hold, but are afraid of moving into. We see that what is possible for them is possible for us, also … if only we would dare overcome our fear. Jealousy is a way of making fear about someone else, rather than about ourselves.

If my little green-eyed monster rears, I remind myself that this is a signal to me that I, too, can accomplish what another person has accomplished. It reminds me to look at the reasons why I may not yet have embraced my potential in that area.

I agree that jealousy arises out of lack-mentality. Everything is equally available to us all, and when we overcome jealousy, those we were previously jealous of can serve to inspire us in our own growth.

Blessings,
Andrea
Kirstie
Nov 19 07, 11:16 am PDT

8
Great advise and deeper thoughts into jealousy. Very interesting techniques for combating it and easy to keep in mind.
Thanks Tina. :)
Douglas Woods

Nov 19 07, 11:42 am PDT

9
This is a great post on jealousy and how to understand it. Then how to recognise it and overcome it.

Doug
Relationship Coach
http://www.dougwoods.com
Tina Su

Nov 19 07, 12:45 pm PDT

10
@Chris McCorkle – Thank you! I appreciate it. I feel the same about fully feeling out the negative feelings. The last time I did the jealousy one, it was really quite painful. I could literally physically feel the pain surfacing on my body, I cried. But a few seconds later, the feeling started evaporating.. and eventually, it just didn’t bother me anymore. Thank you again for the encouraging words. They made me smile. :)

—

@John – These are beautiful words: “Realize and recognize that no matter what you find, you will still love yourself. Keep running that through your head until you can brave the fears.” Thank you for sharing. You must be a great coach! :)

—

@Andrea — Wow, beautifully written! I agree completely. I like switching the jealous instinct into a source for inspiration and possibilities for ourselves. That’s a great outlook. :)

—

To Tejvan Pettinger, Alex Kay, Kirstie and Douglas Woods: Thank you so much for commenting and for sharing your thoughts. Much loved and appreciated.

Tina
ZHereford

Nov 19 07, 12:56 pm PDT

11
Tina, this is an excellent article to help people deal with those times when jealousy sneaks in!
gale

Nov 19 07, 4:00 pm PDT

12
WOW, you really nailed the point when you said that people who are jealous act out of scarcity. so true. helpful post tina
Personal Development for the Book Smart

Nov 20 07, 12:04 am PDT

13
You can use a NLP technique known as reframing. It’s basically making use of a complex equivalence (One example of a Milton Model Language Pattern) and saying that A = B.

Eg. A = He bought gifts for her but not me

A typical B in many people’s mind would be: He likes her and he doesn’t like me.

In reframing, the B could be: That means he is a thoughtful man who is full of surprises.
Personal Development for the Book Smart

Nov 20 07, 12:06 am PDT

14
Just to add on to the last part of the reframing example… the conclusion would be “I’m so lucky to have him as my boyfriend”
Stephen Hopson

Nov 20 07, 4:59 am PDT

15
Tina:

Very interesting article. I like the part about becoming an observer and observed at the same time. For me, when I’m feeling any kind of emotion, it’s in the stomach region. That’s where I feel excitement, fear, jealousy, happiness, anger, etc.
Neil Sattin

Nov 20 07, 6:02 am PDT

16
Hi Tina,

What a well-put-together article – a solid list of strategies that people can use to overcome their jealousy. Thanks also for the link!

-Neil
Getting to the Heart of Personal Development
John Rocheleau

Nov 20 07, 10:13 am PDT

17
Hi Tina,

As a visual artist I get to compare my work to others quite a bit, purposely or not. I can see where comparing can lead to jealousy, but I don’t think it has to. It can instead lead to personal and professional growth.

Your “experience the feeling” exercise is so important and I can tell you described it from your personal experience of it. I have practiced mind-body disciplines for decades, so I have sat quietly with my feelings. As Chris points out in a previous comment, it can be intimidating to embrace the truth. A little practice though goes a long way. The bonus is that it quickly begins to feel good — even delicious — to do this. The trick is to begin; the rest will follow.

accepting without judgment, what we feel, is not always easy, but it is always rewarding. I struggle with many things within me that detract from my best, but when I see someone who is succeeding and is happy, I celebrate it. It makes me happy in that moment because I know that we are all in this pot together. If all the ingredients are good, it will be tasty soup.

On that note, I have to say how much I like your web site. I am going to be reworking my art web site, and I will also be building a blog site. Your work here is a fine inspiration. Your photography site rocks as well. Love your work.

Cheers,
John
claire

Nov 20 07, 11:03 pm PDT

18
It’s good advice. But what if the person does not admit that he or she is jealous? How is this handled? I guess the road to becoming a better person is to first admit that we are not perfect and that we have our faults and shortcomings. : (
Tina Su

Nov 21 07, 12:10 am PDT

19
Hi Claire, If a person does not admit it than there isn’t much we can do without force. :) We could try to reason with them, but often times, that can turn into a battle of egos, people sticking with their decision for the sake of protecting their egos (I’ve fallen into this trap before). The first step towards any change is recognizing that we need to change to better our lives. No one else can do this for us. And we can’t do this for other people.

One thing you may try if you are in a relationship with a jealous personality, is to be honest with them, tell them how it makes YOU feel. It’s important to not point fingers, but to say, when such-and-such situation happens, it makes you feel this way.
Signe
Nov 22 07, 7:22 pm PDT

20
I like. I like. Happiness sure does seem based on our capacity to be grateful.
Gerard Sorme
Nov 29 07, 12:28 pm PDT

21
Very good. However, it should be pointed out (and I’m surprised it hasn’t been already) that your post is actually about envy – not jealousy (which relates to threats in a relationship). Two different animals.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

Dec 09 07, 9:55 pm PDT

22
My dictionary doesn’t distinguish between any difference in envy and jealousy. I usually use the 2 interchangeably. Tina, this is a great article.

I wrote an article of my own recently called Family Generational Patterns of Behavior on my blog where I talked about my feelings of jealousy of the relationship that my husband and daughter have. The bottom line was that I was jealous because they have the healthy father-daughter relationship that I always wanted and didn’t have with my own father. When I realized where my feelings came from, they were resolved and the anger disappeared.
Robert @ reason4smile

Dec 11 07, 1:49 am PDT

23
Hi Tina,

I agree with a lot of your points.

Instead of comparing you with other people, compare you with what you can achieve. Instead of look at others and being envious of others, look at inside of us, see if we have untapped potential, and maximize that potential.

Really great article Tina, thanks for helping us to be happy!
Robert
CG Walters

Dec 17 07, 6:36 am PDT

24
Wonderful work, Tina. Thank you.

Self-worth is a gift. As a gift, it cannot be earned, only accepted or rejected.

It’s funny how people want to selectively possess elements of another’s success. For me, the element they desire is symptomatic of the person’s entire experience (and absence of our own experience). I.E. one may desire the financial achievement of another, but not really desire to have experienced the childhood poverty that has made them so driven, or desire the 7 day work weeks and the missed children’s birthday parties that were part of that financial achievement.

Continued inspiration to you,
CG
The Nourisher

Jan 09 08, 1:27 pm PDT

25
Tina,

What do we do about other’s Jealousy? My mother and sister were both jealous of me in my childhood. Mum still readily admits she is now (such healing when she speaks the truth..) I started to act small to save them (and myself) from that harmful place.

Now I know my fear of other’s jealousy gets in the way of my achieving what I know I must.

What should I do?
Tina Su

Jan 09 08, 3:39 pm PDT

26
Hi Joanne (The Nourisher),

That’s an interesting question you have. Thank you for being so open and realizing that this ‘fear’ is affecting your potential for achieving your goals.

Since you mentioned the word ‘fear’, instead of focusing on what to do about other people’s jealousy, focus on what we can do to overcome this fear. All fears have their roots based on the same thing if we drill deep: fear of death. And so, perhaps, the fear comes from the possibility that other’s won’t love us anymore. Lost of love is deep rooted instinctively… if a baby did not have love, it will die.

Another possibility to consider: Is the fear an excuses to delay action in doing those things which the fear is holding you back from?

Another question to ask yourself: What is it about this fear or story that I’m repeating in my head which I like?

I will expand on this topic in a future article.
Here are two related articles that can help:

+ 6 Steps to Deflate Self-Defeating Fears (different fears but still applies)
+ How to Fight Your Fears (short article, will expand on it in future)
jd

Feb 08 08, 2:39 am PDT

27
Well framed.
I also think Andrea put a fine point on it — a “lack mentality”
MB
Apr 19 08, 7:06 am PDT

28
Hi ;-)

all your advice is very good, but my envy relates almost entirely to other women´s appearence.

Since I was a baby I was used to getting a lot of attention, and I think thatis the reason I feel so threatened and green of envy, when a beautiful woman walks in.

I focus all my attention to that person and compare myself to her and notice all the attention that person gets – which in makes me feel self pity, ugly, sad and unappreciated.

These methods are good and I´m sure they work well – but how do I apply them in the present moment, when the jalousy or envy takes over and ends up ruining my day.

I also tend to talk about it with my mother, and it takes the emotion away for a while – it doesn´t solve anything in thelong term though, and ends up making her feel bad and frustrated.
Dynastii
May 31 08, 9:54 pm PDT

29
This article has made me realize the real root to my jealousy in my relationship. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such an aspiring article. I just realized I’m not jealous of other girls around my boyfriend just because. I changed so much for the worse because of our past that I’m completely a different person. I was so perfect before the past. This article has asked questions that really made me think deep enough to finally understand why I get so jealous. It’s because I’m not me anymore, I became someone people don’t want to be around opposed to the person everyone loved. I’m scared he might leave me for someone else after everything I went through and he finally changed for me, and then I’ll lose him. Now, hopefully I can channel all the jealous emotions,heart aches, and stomache aches into changing back to the loveable person I was, regaining the passion and security in my relationship, and for the best never having to feel this way ever again. Thank you so much for this article once again.

***************************
REPLY:

You got it girl! Thank you for sharing your insights, I felt moved by your comment.
Just focus on the beautiful qualities about him and your relationship. Take time to give gratitude. Spend time with yourself and love yourself. Allow him to be him and allow life to happen naturally. :)

I wish you all the best!

Love,
Tina
Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Aug 03 08, 12:42 pm PDT

30
“Fully Experience the Feeling” I’m adding this one to my notes on break-ups. People rarely if ever allow themselves to feel what they feel. Very important. I’m glad to see that we share a common perception in this department.
Muhammad Ali
Nov 29 08, 9:58 am PDT

31
Nice Article
Chelsea
Mar 10 09, 9:49 pm PDT

32
Tina,
This has helped me to understand the how and why of it all, and I see that I am being unreasonable, but I’m afraid that when I’m put in my “situation” again, I’m going to feel just a jealous. The reason I’m really up the creek without a paddle is because it’s affecting my boyfriend as well. I think he’s beginning to see a more insecure, unattractive, and maybe even annoying side of me, rather than the cute, carefree, outgoing, charismatic girl he fell for. I know I’m still that girl, but how do I show that to him, and in order to do that, how do I get over this jealousy of other women. Please, please email my address, there is a more ‘personal’ side to this message.
Tina Su

Mar 10 09, 10:31 pm PDT

33
Chelsea,

You gotta spend time nurturing and loving yourself first. When you do that, you will not only a new sense of inner peace and happiness, you will also strengthen your self confidence and self-image. When that happens, jealousy will subside. Trust me.

Here are some related articles that may of be help to you:
The Secret to Self Loving
Insecurities: A Slice From My Diary
How to Get Over Breakups – Not suggesting a breakup, but there are tips here that you will find helpful.

Jealousy and Insecurities will destroy relationships. Trust me, I was there once, and I’ve learned it the hard way. :) Trust me. Spend as much energy as you can loving yourself.

Warmly,
Tina
radiradi
Apr 15 09, 1:20 am PDT

34
I feel that my spouse loves my sister. The first time I felt that was 2 years before our marriage; however though we had many difficulties for marriage (our parents were objecting) my spouse tried much to marry me. I tried twice to put an end to our love but said him that I want breaking up because our parents are not satisfied while it was in fact because I felt that he loves my sister more but he said that he cannot even think about breaking up. All those happened when my sister was leaving our country and after so many difficulties we get married; I tried to forget that feelings and believe him when he was telling me that he loves me much. But he asks me sometimes if my sister comes back to our country, he appreciates her face, and I see his interests to her when he watches her picture.
I have sent a same thread to this site a while ago and a good friend sent me this reply:
***************
I think you need to love yourself…if you define yourself with regards to whether or not your spouse or anyone else loves/needs you…then you set yourself up for continuous disappointment. Love yourself…be happy with yourself..and all else will fall into place.:)
***************
For some reason that I don’t know my previous userID and thread were lost so I had to create another userID and a same thread to be able to receive more replies.
This is the most logical comment I could receive however, this feelings are too killing me to be able to love myself and just forget this. Because, my spouse always reminds me of that.
I know that I should think positively and just forget this problem to help it be removed but I don’t know how. Please tell me some ways to be able to overcome this problem. Actually, I’m getting more disappointed and upset everyday.
by the way, could it be due to being jealousy? generally, I’m not a jealous person
Andyie
Jun 19 09, 8:50 am PDT

35
My friend is stealing all my friends away. I wasn’t entirely affected by this at first, but when she starts talking about them, she really pushed my buttons to the limit. I sat down at a corner and tried to calm myself down, I tried to look at the bigger picture and said that its okay. But it didn’t work for long, when it all happened all over again. I just can’t figure it out. I’m so afraid that she’ll steal everyone from me. Its the fear inside me, jealousy. I keep telling myself that I’m great the way I am. But I’m scared this means overconfidence. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.
Jacqui

Jul 19 09, 10:15 am PDT

36
I don’t usually feel jealousy or envy towards others. If there is something I admire about someone, it gives me a good feeling. I do have huge problems with other peoples jealousy and have my entire life. I want to be optimistic but always feel dragged back by other peoples emotions. I can relate to Jo’s (the nourisher) experience of acting small. Being a recipient of jealousy/envy is akin to feeling death, always giving way to the other persons hatefulness. Not pleasant at all. No doubt a lot of people do feel jealousy and lash out in subtle and not so subtle ways. It is truly horrible. For sure loving yourself is important because from that place you can begin to understand anothers perspective without judgement or emotional attachment to their perspective. I notice that there is also an immense amount of sympathy for the jealous person and very little for those who are subject to others jealousy. It is as if there is a general concensus that the OK person should handle those barbs without complaint. It is not OK at all and it does not really come back to a fear of being rejected. If you are physically hurt repeatedly in the same place thousands of times, it is fair to assume that your progress for recovery is likely to be unsucessful. It is the same when a jealous person tries to dismiss you, undermine you, ignore you, block you, say unkind things and a whole variety of other techniques at their disposal – it hurts (**** them feeling better, try thinking about being nice). I think the most useful thing for a jealous person to realise is that there are a lot of you out there and the person or thing that makes you feel jealous doesn’t just have to put up with your jealousy being directed at them but also have to deal with the many thousands of you out there directing their jealousy at them as well. So stop it – IT HURTS far more than your own individual jealousy does. We are all important and have gifts – find yours and start admiring things, if it is something you would love to be or be able to do, start being it and doing it. Ban jealousy for LIFE
vaibhavi
Aug 22 10, 4:56 pm PDT

37
Beautiful and well-organized article. Helped me tremendously in a situation of jealousy I was not able to come out of and did not have an answer to. Thanks!
tony
Sep 07 10, 6:53 am PDT

38
Jelousy: can become a habit and that’s all it is so work to reverse it. -arrises with a low energy level, so realize this may be the case and get rested/eat right, know it will pass -is part of the regulary scheduled maintenance we all need to do on our personaliities, without keeping check we get dirty. Learn to be forgiving and patient with others. What! you are resentful of another’s success? Work on your own situation. I sometimes get jelous of my in-laws -lots of money, world travelers etc. She is always quick to show she knows better and more than us on everything so then I say to myself “they may have money but what quality of mind wants to impress and put others down?” ..and that kills the jelousy. I get jelous of people with a higher level of mentality! ..so I work on self improvement.
Sarah
Sep 30 10, 5:16 am PDT

39
I really got something out of this article. I am trying to get out of a relationship that is very unhealthy, he is married. It’s been an a roller coaster ride. It has ended….but I see him on a daily bases and I’m jealous seeing him flirt with other women….how sick is that. I went for a long walk one day and felt the jealousy let the emotion take over ride it out. It did subside and I started looking around, at the beauty surrounding me, started feeling happy inside. I also wrote down all my feelings about this person. Seeing it on paper made me realize that I deserve better. The feeling of jealousy paralizes me. I can’t think properly, my body is frozen, my throat tightens, my heart aches. The feeling of insecurity is so unattractive, it’s not the real me, but I went through it, I had to, it was the only way to see it for what it is…to love yourself for all your weaknesses and strengths and thankful to have these experiences. Thank you for this article
LEiLai
Dec 13 10, 10:17 pm PDT

40
Tonight I was out with some firends, and heard somthing that instantly sent a rush of jealousy through me. I was getting angry. I found this website…As I read it and really thought about the situation I realized I really had no reason to be jealous. And at the end of the day if anything I thought was true Its not the end of the world. Either way great article…read it and really think it will help
Thalia
Jan 26 11, 4:10 pm PDT

41
Thanks a lot. I will start to put those advises into practice. I really think I’m a very good person. I really didn’t want to be jealous on purpose, it just happened.
I want to leave it behind and feel comfortable with my body, with the blessings i have and the things I’ve achieved. I was jealous from a friend i love (girl), because she is physically astonishing and my boyfriends can possibly feel attracted to her. I love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. But i was thinking about them getting together some time and that was making me feel crazy.
Any way i just wish this thought totally disappears and i can be fine with both of them
naomi amoo
Feb 17 11, 3:18 am PDT

42
Thanks very much for these 9ways to overcoming jealousy, it has really helped me to stand tall in my relationship, am still using it to help my friends overcome theirs too. I really like yours too RAMARN.
Adesoba Taiwo Peter
Feb 20 11, 3:59 pm PDT

43
This is inspiring.
Thanks.
Bundy
Mar 04 11, 10:51 am PDT

44
This is really helpful. I feel like deep down I already know all of these things, but in the moment all is lost. I guess it will just take practice.

I often feel embarrassed or ashamed of my actions once things are said and done.

I think I may need more help with this.
Dez
Mar 12 11, 12:12 pm PDT

45
I have been hurt in the past. which unfortunately leads to me being jealous. My boyfriend hates it. Which I completely understand. He says it’ll be the end of our relationship. I don’t want to lose what I have he is absolutely amazing, however we seem to look at things differently. He doesn’t get jealous at all which is something I don’t understand. I’ve tried to get better and I think I have but I know that I need to let it go all together. Reading this has helped a great deal and I think I can finally let it go. Thanks so much for the advice. I hope my boyfriend will notice the improvements and will be happy.
Christel
Mar 30 11, 5:33 am PDT

46
Thanks a lot. I will start to put those advises into practice.i love everything, am a very jealous person and after reading this article its like the load i was carrying on my shoulders went away and never loooking to return.thank you once again for such an inspiring and motivating article,i’ll surely share it with mylove one cause he himself is very very jealous. thank you!!!!! i will build my self into a more positive person, i really love the part that state;Focus on your strengths and unique qualities. Feel gratitude for the gifts you have and abilities that you are blessed with. Once you identify what they are, then shift your focus.
THANK YOU!!!!!:)
Miya
Apr 17 11, 4:09 am PDT

47
This article is nicely written. Many thanks.

I am suffering from this too and it really hurts when I am there.

My whole body aches and my eyes wet. I start sometimes trembling and I feel chilly.

It takes me sometime to overcome this situation and during this time I can be extremely harsh and indifferent of others’ feelings. I could hurt them emotionally even and it takes me time to overcome the huge volumes of anger that haunts my body, heart, and mind.

After I cool down, I start thinking of what I have done and the stupid reaction that I showed, but many times it is just too late as the way I reacts becomes repulsive.

Deep down in me I know that all what the article says is true, but I simply cant do anything about it when I am there.

I need help.
Nerisse
Apr 29 11, 5:59 pm PDT

48
As stupid as this may sound, but I have tried those techniques several times beforehand, it’s just very difficult for me to control my feelings as it very strong. I tell myself it’s not worth the pain and the time I consume worrying about unnecassary things, pretend and say it doesn’t matter but everytime I see him laugh with another girl, the cover-up isn’t enough to rid of the pain, which only make me hate myself even more for feeling this way in the first place, which only puts a strain in the relationship with him i just wish there was an easier way, but I guess I’ll have to take baby steps in order to overcome this feeling.. Thank you.
luke
Apr 30 11, 10:32 am PDT

49
thank you for this post; i am trying to overcome jealousy and finding it to be a very difficult task.

this has helped me to acknowledge the non-productivity of jealousy, although i haven’t managed to stop the feeling from reoccuring… yet.
Liz
May 18 11, 9:41 am PDT

50
Hi, I am tackling yealousy hands on. I kept trying on my own, but jealousy is a big thing. I am now seeying a pshycologist to help me work through it. these tips are very helpful. Thank you.
Pari
Jun 07 11, 4:00 am PDT

51
I knew that jealously was burning me and because of it my performance was going down. Thanks to those tips and lastly I learned that how to feel good about myself at least I am concerned enough to log on to this site.
Markus Cazes
Jul 08 11, 1:16 pm PDT

52
Hi Tina!

You should get an award for this article. Simply superb interpretation of feelings into words. I admire you.
Carol

Jul 08 11, 7:57 pm PDT

53
I struggle with jealousy in my relationship, I hate being this way, I am trying very hard but when I am in that feeling I don’t seem to have any power to stop it. I am beginning to realize that it has become an obsession. I am trying very hard to stop these feelings. This article has many good ideas, I will try to implement them as I do not want to ruin this relationship with the first man that is kind to me.
Erica
Aug 06 11, 12:02 am PDT

54
Hi. I am only 17, but I suffer daily with my jealousy. Right down to the dumbest things. For instance: I have come to dislike cellphones, facebook, television, and internet in general. I realized that my jealousy (newly discovered) is driving the person I care about away. Once I discovered my problem, i began to try to find solutions. I got a new notebook. Began writing in it. Taking steps which vary depending on the situation. I write the steps out every time i have a jealous moment, or reaction to something he does. Jealousy WILL in fact, drive you mad. I have found that it conflicts even with my trust for him. I’m determined to fix it before i drive him away. It hurts him to have to deal with my issues. The last thing I want is for him to be unhappy, due to how i feel, feelings I’m not certain that I can overcome. Feeling jealous, makes how i feel about myself even worse. I spend nights like tonight, countless hours searching the internet for answers, solutions. Maybe I am trying to speed the process a bit. I am SICK of feeling this way. I am sick of the feeling. Sick of how it makes him feel. The issue is extremely one-sided. And horrible for a relationship I want to keep. I lost my point. I read your page, and I like where you are coming from. I’m going to try this approach. Thanks. A lot.
Agii
Aug 08 11, 3:15 pm PDT

55
”Nerrise ” i feel exactly the same, I have tried all these things and im not gonna lie, it has helped hell of alot but every now and again it comes back and when i get jealous i say things i dont mean which hurt those i love and when i do realise that i took it way too far i feel so nasty and horrible that i could of done such a thing over nothing. he loves me i know that yet again i get this voice standing above me telling me to be bad, to say something tto come up with rediculous things that are not even true….. i need help :(
Cierra
Oct 06 11, 1:02 pm PDT

56
I really want to thank you for making this website. I am a high school girl, constantly around people that I feel are better than me. And i hated them for it. NO one had ever did anything wrong, not hurt me, but yet I was still unhappy. This helped me to realize that they are not the reason that I am mad, I am the reason that I am mad. I’m so distracted on what everyone else has and how well everyone else does in school, that I kind of lost myself. I completely forgot, that I am WONDERFUL! and smart and friendly, and me comparing my self to others only brings me down, and makes people not want to be around me. I feel much better after trying the advice tips, and I’m going to fix things for myself and the others that I may have hurt, while I was in my selfish faze.
roberto
Nov 02 11, 10:16 pm PDT

57
hi my name is roberto

im a person that like to love n help other but when it comes to me i cant seen to help my self i strugle to over come my past …i cant see to let go of my past n for get the thing that i did so now that i been in different relationships i think about my past n so i alway break up with my relationships becaouse i cant let go so i get really jealous about my partner so i fight with all my relationship n i get really sad n depress i cant see to move on without thinking about my past ……now im in a relationship with me new girlfriend shes from russia n i met her ove the summer n with both fail in love but now she went back home ..so it really hard for both of us to be togethre so she talks to me about her past n now her past fallows me n makes me really angry all the time knowing the she tells me all about how she had sex with the other guys n that she like it but idk i cant see to let go of that so i would like to know how i cant for get about it n just be happy with her …one other thing that bathers be is that i cant stop thinking about sex i think about it 24/ 7 …i mean my girl love the way we have sex you knopw but evrn after we have sex i mastubate to much n i just can keep goign ..i amek her come like 25 time n i only come 2 time so now idk i cant stop getting joules n mad i nee help …….what should i do …anything would help thank you
Ruth
Nov 10 11, 12:19 pm PDT

58
Thank you for writing this article. It really help me see the light at the end of the tunnel; I have been struggling with jealousy for 6 years now, and I feel like I’m finally ready to get past it. I see now what I was doing wrong and how I can change my stupid ways of thinking. You may have just saved my relationship.
Tyler
Nov 19 11, 1:09 pm PDT

59
You said in order to not be jealous you have to be happy with yourself. But what if you have no self confidence no self worth no self esteem? mine was tore down pretty recently and I can’t seem to get it back. how can i not be jealous with no self esteem?
Drag
Nov 20 11, 5:59 pm PDT

60
Youre article is great, however, I have suffered through many years of jealousy . Like one of your posts wrote, it’s solely in regards to other women’s appearances. When I am out with my husband and we are in the presence of a very attractive woman, I get physically sick where I almost want to throw up. What do you do with this? My husband isn’t doing anything out of line, the women are usually not either…. But when I compare myself to them, I always feel bad about myself and then I become angry because I wasted more unproductive time in my life. Please help me… As many years of therapy didn’t help, landmark didn’t help and Im scared that as my daughter gets older, she may notice my mood shifts and that would be devastating
Mithun
Dec 01 11, 8:14 am PDT

61
when i was reading this i felt i came accross the same problems….and thank you for letting me realize myself….from now onwards i will try my best to be a good guy! thanks allot!
Joe
Dec 06 11, 2:45 pm PDT

62
“Feel the jealousy” probably the most important thing on here. And not just feel it, undestand it and use your intelligence to move forward and rationalize from it. Man, I am one jealous guy, mostly in my relationship. I looked up this article after my partner was being pursued by an outsider, I took it all out on my partner and was way destructive with my words, not to mention my jealousy triggers an anxiety which makes my actions even more impulsive. After reading this I could see more clearly, it’s really about “what’s the worst that could happen?” end up alone? Not as bad as it sounds, and not what would most likely happen, but it’s that idea that is triggering the jealousy and destructiveness that needs control.
dlysen

Dec 10 11, 11:27 pm PDT

63
I give trust and more love its the only way to kill the pain when I don’t understand the reason well.
gypsy
Dec 15 11, 10:37 am PDT

64
Like so many of the other posters, I am struggling immensely with my jealousy. I am insanely jealous of the girl my boyfriend works with and shares an office with. They are together every day, and while I’m at work, I make myself sick imagining what they are talking about or how close their relationship is getting. His work environment is extremely small and everyone makes inappropriate jokes all the time. They even all went on a trip to Mexico (3 guys, 3 girls – no significant others). He has given me no reason to distrust him and the girl is always nice when I’m around her. But I can’t shake this doubt in my head. I try not to compare myself to her, we are actually very similar – same hair, same style, same type of job – she’s just a much better-looking version of me. It makes me physically ill to where I can’t eat and even throw up. We have discussed it many times and he assures me that nothing is going on, I can’t keep bringing it up. And I know continuing on this way is only going to damage any reason he fell in love with me in the first place. The article is very good, but since he’s around her EVERY day it’s tough to maintain my negative emotions. And he’ll casually bring up how the office is going out for drinks and I immediately get sick and can’t even look him in the eye. No matter what I try, I can’t get out of this rut. What do I do with this??
Missy D
Jan 01 12, 4:37 am PDT

65
This is just amazing. I’ve always been jealous of those who are better looking and more charismatic & find it easy to flourish in social situations. Also there was one particular case recently where a woman had become (still is) really well known and loved for a quite rare thing that I know I can do well too, but had no way (I thought at the time) to actually go and do it myself. I wanted so bad to have what she had, even almost wishing she could be forgotten, almost like she’d taken “my thing” but that is totally irrational, unreasonable and she seems like a genuinely nice lady what’s more.
It had me acting like a right total idiot whenever she was around or being talked about & her exploits fondly remembered. I wasn’t focusing on anything nice at all, within myself or others. It was just yucky.

When I sit down and think about it, using some of the stuff in this article, in reality I *can* do what I’ve been wanting to do so badly and do have the opportunity, and will probably have a touch of admiration for being able to do this rare thing that well. I am my own person and should just enjoy my part, her having done it too does not threaten my own ability. We are not actually in direct competition for one role or prize.

Basically I love your wisdom on where jealousy comes from and ways to help overcome it as it really is not fun or helpful!!
Michele

Jan 13 12, 8:52 am PDT

66
This is a great article. I am going through a bunch of jealousy right now with my relatively new boyfriend. With Facebook being a major culprit, jealousy is very real and painful. Even though no one is doing anything wrong, the thoughts are there. I think these exercises you suggest here will be a good start. Kind of like “the only way through it, is to go THROUGH it” and feeling those feelings and being aware of them could just be the key. Thanks!
Joy
Jan 14 12, 4:57 pm PDT

67
I have struggled with jealousy for years though and I feel like I’m drowning myself when it happens because I refuse to tell my partner. I never knew how to deal with it. This article has already helped me so much. I tried what your first point was. To just sit and focus on what I was actually feeling. Reading that was the first time that I realized that what I felt was emotional AND physical. My throat does tighten, my chest aches. It just gave me an insane amount of comfort reading that. Thank you so much.
fatima mario
Jan 22 12, 7:13 pm PDT

68
hi I’m Mario,

I’m at a stage where there’s jealousy in my life and i don’t know what to do with it. I have talked it over with my girlfriend but it seems to haunt me down every time i see a comment on face book , or when she finishes work late, or when she gets anonymous calls while we are together. She tells me to trust her but half the time she ignores me, or she uses excuses to change the subject.

I try very hard not to think about it but it just slips into my mind. I love her very much But i don’t know whats happening. I’m afraid to ask her because she thinks that i Don’t TRUST her. We have a kid and i love them both very dearly so What shall I do?, this situation is very fragile and its to risky to lose.
Cori
Feb 03 12, 12:42 pm PDT

69
Very useful suggestions for dealing with the feelings!

The article could go from very good to great if you distinguished between envy and jealousy, which are similar but different.
Jen
Feb 20 12, 6:12 pm PDT

70
I have struggled with jealousy for many years now but it has just gotten worse with time. My contacts are far and few between so it is understandable that I have a fear of being alone. I experience jealousy as anger-I find it hard to deal with the fact that I am so intensely loyal and I don’t receive the same in return :*( I think I am just deeply hurt that my affections are often unrequitted. While this is very disappointing and heartbreaking, I suppose it really isn’t anyone’s fault. People can’t help the way they feel or the way they are-I just have to focus on finding more rewarding relationships.
Mia
Feb 23 12, 12:13 am PDT

71
hi tina,
i have this jealousy on my husbands friend . i can’t help it but to be jealous every time that i read messages from her even though my husband always keeps telling me now to be. but i since i know that her friend likes him the jealousy always comes out. i really wanted to overcome this feeling because its difficult to feel this way. my thoughts are always playing the “what if” things that may be happening to the both of them.. i really need help.. thanks
dlysen

Feb 23 12, 4:38 pm PDT

72
@Mia: try to practice what you can learn from this blog and this may help you. We can only show you how, but the rest is always up to you.
KT
Mar 23 12, 7:18 am PDT

73
awesome post..
suzy
Apr 10 12, 1:09 pm PDT

74
hi tina,

i have recently been divorced and then remarried my first love. i had been struggling with this issue of jealousy for as long as we had been married -the second marriage, i mean. i tried to control it thinking i could do it on my own but have been failing miserably. it is now threatening, as you had pointed out to destroy, not only my relationship with my husband but my close friends as well.

thus i came upon your article in a desperate search to make some changes and overcome this hated emotion. i am trying to digest and apply the principles you had pointed out.

explain to me, if you will, tina, what you meant by this “But when we operate from a place of abundance, we unleash the human spirit, think compassionately towards others. We can free ourselves from negative emotions.

how do you operate from a place of abundance? what is this place of abundance?

at this point, I truly need to have everything made clear to me as that is what I am striving for -clarity.

thank you and i believe your article will help me overcome my issues of jealousy and jealous behaviour.
Jas
Apr 19 12, 4:18 am PDT

75
Great post. Thank you for this awesome tips. You know i’ve been very jealous this past few days. My husband had new work and i’m jealous of people he will meet especially the girls. I told him directly not to befriended them too much for they might misinterpret it. My husband is reallt friendly and i’m scared that he will meet someone. I’m so jealous and i dont know why. It’s wrong to speculate i know but i just cant help it. It seems craziness already or just abnormality. I hope i can overcome this feeling. It really do sucks.
Bridget
Apr 27 12, 11:59 am PDT

76
Hello everyone,

I have been reading everyone’s posts on here and I have to tell you although jealousy is a very damaging emotion it is actually comforting for me to know that there are others suffering from the same problem.

I read gypsy, drag and Mia’s posts and they are all parts of what I feel. I have been married to my husband for 16 years and in 2008 we had a problem in our marriage and he left me for someone else, he was acting like a totally different man than the man that I had fell in love with and of course it devastated me that he was acting so differently towards me and treating me like I did not matter.

To make a long story short, we ended back up together in 2010 and we remarried this past February and I have been so happy ever since but there are times that my jealousy rears its ugly head and I find myself questioning my husband about every female he talks to and we end up in this argument that makes my stomach turn, he tells me repeatedly that he is never going to leave me again and that I am the love of his life.

I find myself not being able to get away from the doubts and it utterly drives me insane at times and the thing that bothers me the most is that when he does talk to another female he talks to her right in front of me so I can hear everything he is saying and if he is texting or facebooking he also shows me every message, every text. He always tells me, if I was doing something behind your back, I certainly wouldn’t be showing you and telling you everything that we are talking about and then after that I feel like a complete fool.

I love this man so much, I fell in love with him when I was 17 and now I am about to be 35, that should say something about how much we love each other. I really do need help in knowing what to do when I am in this situation and not make a face or make a comment that sets him off. I can totally understand where he is coming from and he told me that he can understand where I am coming from and we both agreed when we got back together that we were going to let the past go and I have yet to do that, when I feel threatened I bring up things from the past and I have noticed about myself that when he brings up things about me I then want to change the subject and its not fair on my part to do that to him.

I am told all the time by my husband how beautiful he thinks that I am and he tells me that all the people that he is in contact with think the same thing, but for me, I don’t see it because I am so focused on him and what I make up in my mind that he is doing. I like one of the ladies mentioned earlier, I imagine in my own head what he is talking about with these other women and if he is doing something with them behind my back and all its doing is tearing me down inside and he is not a jealous person by any means and that drives me crazy!!!
Bridget
Apr 27 12, 12:06 pm PDT

77
Hey Everyone,

I have really been enjoying everyone’s comments and as harsh of a emotion that jealousy is its comforting to know that I am not the only person dealing with this damaging emotion.

I have been married to my husband for 16 years, we had a problem in our marriage in 2008, we ended up divorcing and got remarried in February of this year. I have been struggling with jealousy ever since we have gotten back together and I am driving my husband crazy and I might add that he is not a jealous person which in my mind makes it worse for me.

We have gotten in many arguments over him talking to other females from work and just from people we meet in our every day lives. The part that makes me mad about myself is that my husband tells me everything and shows me everything that he writes and what happens at work.

We have noticed a pattern with me that I am jealous of any and every female that he talks to, it doesnt matter if she is prettier or uglier than me. I always feel threatened and I am so sick of feeling this way. My husband tells me I am beautiful every day and even the women he talks to makes compliments like that about me.

I just need help in over coming all of this jealousy!! I love my husband and don’t want to lose him!

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