Dealing with Difficult People

109 Comments

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

Hurting Ourselves - One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
It’s Not About You, It’s About Them - I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
Battle of the Ego - When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. - Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
Waste of Energy - Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
Negativity Spreads - I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
Freedom of Speech - People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves - it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive - What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out - Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” - Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond - Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It - When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes - As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons - No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life - Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer - When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario - Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions - When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important - List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey - This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It - Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Kathy Sierra: Angry/Negative People Bad for Your Brain
Book: Emotional Intelligence
Book: The Power of Now

109 Responses (108 Comments, 1 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Louis Liem

Aug 27 08, 5:25 pm PDT

1
I tend to flow with the conversation and let them say whatever in their mind. They can say anything they think of and it doesn’t matter to me because sometimes it’s only in their head.

But if they make the issue public, I would make my opinions heard too for sure, but not pushing them.
It worked quite well I think. Some of the people who have been difficult to my friends, express a different attitude towards me. They “demand less” :)
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

Aug 27 08, 5:31 pm PDT

2
Good stuff Tina! I’ve found that if a negative person insults you and you take it to heart, it often shows a fear or shame that you have not examined or accepted fully. For instance, if someone accuses me of being a ten eyed monster, I probably won’t feel much beyond laughter. If someone called me a liar, or something, I might feel some anger or defensiveness, even if I never lied to him. But obviously I have lied to other people in the past, and I might not have fully accepted or forgiven myself for that.

Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Jonathan Mead

Aug 27 08, 5:34 pm PDT

3
The most powerful thing for me with dealing with difficult people, or everyone for that matter, is not taking things personally. Just that one agreement has the power to completely transform your life.

After all, I think we have enough to worry about ourselves. We waste too much time worrying about the opinions and approval of others. Like you said Tina, it’s not about us anyway. It’s about them.

Jonathan

http://illuminatedmind.net - Re-claim ownership of your Mind.
Evelyn Lim

Aug 27 08, 6:02 pm PDT

4
I like points #1 and #9. Currently, I’m practicing no judging and to exercise compassion for others. Instead of cursing under my breath like how I used to, I just assume that the other party is having a bad day, or simply very unaware of his or her own negativity (it’s like what you said that the outward expression is a reflection of one’s internal emotional state). As I observe the negative behavior with detachment, I can’t help but feel compassion.
Mike King

Aug 27 08, 6:07 pm PDT

5
Become the observer and pour some honey… Brilliant wording! I think these are the easiest way to not only avoid but completely dissolve a difficult situation or person. If you look at WHY they might be reacting it gives you some room to help and if you return in kindness instead of in kind, you can quickly diffuse someone who is upset no matter the reason.
HIB

Aug 27 08, 6:19 pm PDT

6
Great post! I’m a first time visitor and I really enjoy your blog. Great stuff!
Thanks!
-HIB
Devan

Aug 27 08, 6:26 pm PDT

7
In a direct confrontation situation, i.e. face to face or on the phone, I find one of the best things to do is to just pause, and breathe. I mean, really breathe deeply and consciously. Sometime it means I stop talking for about 30 seconds or so mid stream. This has several effects:

1. the breathing physically relaxes my mind/body
2. the pause sometimes make the other person stop and take stock of the situation, which sometimes means they calm right down
3. the pause gives them ample opportunity to vent and expend their negative energy so we can restart the conversation in a calmer manner

Oddly, I find that doing this almost always makes me smile. I don’t know if it is an ‘oxygen buzz’ or the genuine letting go of stress but I usually get some funny imagery or see the funny side of the situation!
Eng. Hasan Al-Bahkali
Aug 27 08, 6:39 pm PDT

8
Nice blog
Lewis

Aug 27 08, 6:40 pm PDT

9
Tina,

Some great suggestions here! I would have to agree with the point on going for a run. If something or someone frustrates you, the best way to flush out the negative feelings are to burn it off with a run or a tough workout.

Thanks for your post.
Writer Dad

Aug 27 08, 6:42 pm PDT

10
The picture of the woman drinking from the bottle of wine caught me completely by surprise. It made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

******************

REPLY

hahaha.. I put that there since I found it to be funny and ironically appropriate. :) Glad you got the joke.

Tina
Nathalie Lussier

Aug 27 08, 7:00 pm PDT

11
I love how all of your articles have such a personal touch, even on topics like this one that we all deal with.

I used to deal with difficult people by just shutting down. Now I like to take a step back and relax before I “react”. Usually by thinking about something else I will see the situation differently. Also I like to ask myself: will this really matter to me in 10 years from now?
Natalie Ferguson

Aug 27 08, 7:12 pm PDT

12
Don’t Respond is the biggie.

If they are truly negative, they are hanging out WAITING for you to rise to the bait. If you ignore them, it hurts them more.

Not that I’m a vindictive person, but if someone is out to hurt you and you appear unfazed, it really irks them.

If they aren’t and have a valid point, you probably will realise that within a day or two and be able to talk it through
deeesseee
Aug 27 08, 8:26 pm PDT

13
This article is stupid.
You are stupid.
This whole website is stupid.

Only joking, hope I didn’t get to you. Great article, like always. Definitely one that I wish I could really take to heart.
Snoop Digg
Aug 27 08, 8:37 pm PDT

14
How I deal with difficult people:

1. First I take a deep, calming breath and think about puppies.
2. I sew an entire blanket to keep my mind off the trouble.
3. I eat two bags of cheetos.
4. I adopt a Vietnamese child.
5. I eat pork rinds.
6. I kick the difficult person in the groin.
Just Joking
Aug 27 08, 8:40 pm PDT

15
Just punch them in the face. Problem solved :)
Jennifer
Aug 27 08, 8:45 pm PDT

16
Loved your idea’s. Will be sure to use them. Glad I found this website.
Milliner
Aug 27 08, 9:09 pm PDT

17
You ought to read David Viscott, MD’s book, “Emotional Resilience.” This article touches on a lot of concepts, but offers no technique for accomplishing them. Telling people to “forgive” doesn’t tell them anything; people may know what word implies, but they don’t know how to do it; I sure didn’t. In order to forgive one has to admit one’s own partial responsibility, and not only recognize that the other person is a human being who makes mistakes, who was raised a certain way, but that they have to forgive themselves for the same reasons.
The Baroness

Aug 27 08, 9:12 pm PDT

18
Wow. This article is beautiful, and I feel that it is truly serendipitous that it came my way today!! Thank you!
business

Aug 27 08, 9:14 pm PDT

19
Timing of this couldn’t be better. Just started my new cubicle job with hostile co-workers.
Rick

Aug 27 08, 9:18 pm PDT

20
Apologize! I work with the public in a grocery store. Be careful what you apologize for. I typically apologize for the “confusion” most of the time. If someone is angry, I’ll try to stay calm and ask questions. It’s often a misunderstanding and a lot of times I apologize that I can’t help them anymore. Sometimes I can think of something that “might” help them. ie. a package sauce instead of the bottled sauce they were looking for and we might be out of. Most people just want to be heard and have their opinion respected, even if you think it is “off the wall.” Saying “I never thought of it that way.” gives them credit for “originality” and following up with a smile or something silly like “Well, we have to let the competition win sometimes!” Or “Of course, I was hired for my looks…and yes that was a loooong time ago!”
Paul
Aug 27 08, 9:35 pm PDT

21
A lot of very sensible advice which I will refer back to often.

My one concern is about cutting negative people out of your life. Seen this advice around a lot. It seems unduly selfish since you have already said they are just bored and unhappy.

Everyone gets negative once in a while, some people more than others, but often with good cause. It would be a terrible world if people thought that they should cut out everyone they know who has any kind of problem. Anyone could suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of this summary punishment.

Intelligent balanced people can benefit themselves and gain a deeper understanding of the world by trying to understand less happy people and becoming a positive influence in their lives. The skills you learn will benefit you in your career in negotiations and in your relationships with other people who have more admirable qualities.
Zach
Aug 27 08, 9:48 pm PDT

22
I totally disagree with the overall passive strategy. In general there are 3 ways to respond to a conflict: Passively, Aggressively, and Assertively. You’re suggesting it is almost always appropriate to be passive, where as I believe 90% of the time, an assertive response is appropriate.

I think we let people get away with bad behavior too often, and not confronting them reinforces that behavior. Imagine someone steps on your foot at the grocery store, then gives you a dirty look and says “get out of my way.” What if someone does the same thing to a 10 year old child? Damn right I’m going to confront them. I’ll tell them “That was extremely rude. You don’t treat people like that.” Are they going to apologize and make amends? Maybe, but probably not. They’ll probably just yell at you or say more rude things to you. That’s when you can say “This conversation is over”, and walk away. You may still be angry, but you’ll feel a lot better than if you had done nothing. And you’ve shown the rude person that there are consequences to bad behavior. If they’re going to treat people poorly, they’re going to hear about it. Is that a strong enough consequence? Ideally, perhaps not, but it’s much better than nothing and only takes you a few extra seconds.

As I mentioned, around 90% of the time, and assertive response is appropriate. However I do agree there are times when it is appropriate to be passive. For example, if being assertive would put your life or job in jeopardy, a passive response is probably the best choice. If someone cuts you off in traffic and gives you the finger, it’s probably not worth your time to follow him, wait for him to stop, and then confront him on his rude behavior. Similarly there are times when it is appropriate to be aggressive. If someone is threatening your life or the life of a loved one, and you see no way to escape, you should probably be aggressive and fight back.

The “just don’t let it bother you” strategy is unrealistic. Again, imagine someone runs over your 10 year old son’s foot with a grocery cart, then sneers and says “get out of my way you little brat”. You’re probably going to be furious, and justifiably so. If you’re passive, you’re just going to be more angry for not standing up for yourself and your child.

Instead of following the advice in this article, I encourage everyone to be more assertive in these types of situations. People are rude because they think they can get away with it without consequences, So take a few seconds of your time and show them they can’t. You’ll feel a lot better and maybe they’ll think twice before acting that way again.
Scott
Aug 27 08, 10:09 pm PDT

23
@Paul
Just be careful that you remain in the right state of mind when subjecting yourself to people who have this habit. Note your physiological tendency to react on the level that they initiate and the importance of maintaining a clarity communicated in the article. If you cannot maintain a pure and healthy state, remove this person and practice on someone less powerful or persistent until your skills allow a return attempt. Learning to surf in 10ft waves isn’t the best starting point. Graduating to 10ft waves from 8ft waves holds much more promise of growth.

@Tina
#9 should be #1 in my opinion, causing most of the remaining points to be unnecessary. #9 is a tremendous tool to take with you into any situation or relationship. Reason being that your emotions are accurate indicators of your perceptions of your situation. Once you get an objective read on those perceptions, only then can you make corrections that will calm internal alarms and subsequent fear-based words or actions.

@Milliner
The actual usable technique is nested in #9. I find this tremendously helpful to use any time one of my ‘red flags’ is tripped. By red flag I mean a feeling of dread, fear, lack, resentment, need to be right, or general social tension. I treat any detectably negative emotion as a red flag, and at the observance of such a feeling I separate myself from the situation mentally and watch not only the room but my own emotions from a distance behind my head. This gets me out of the emotional push and pull and into a calm, objective state where I can trust my judgment.
Uselessbrain.com

Aug 27 08, 10:26 pm PDT

24
I think most people are capable of training there responds. Life is controlled by pain and pleasure. So sometimes we need to take some pain to get to the pleasure.
Blaat
Aug 27 08, 10:47 pm PDT

25
Ha. I initially misread ‘Go for a Run … ‘ as ‘Go for a Gun … ‘ ;-)
The Operator

Aug 27 08, 10:55 pm PDT

26
But what about dealing with manipulative people? (I’d say run… quickly ;)
hippie hater
Aug 27 08, 11:46 pm PDT

27
i gotta say this is complete bullshit. im not joking. you are way too passive, like homedude said above, much more constructively than i am willing to. if you dont assert your opinion you are a fucking doormat. I wont be checking back waiting with baited breath for a response, you can get away with not responding to my comment. ignoring this sort of mentality, however, is a deep character flaw.

your advice sucks
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome

Aug 27 08, 11:48 pm PDT

28
Like Nathalie above, I used to just shut down or immediately assume I’d done something wrong and try to make it right and please the other person.

Now I’m learning that if someone is pissed off, it’s not the end of the world and that it’s not my responsibility to make it right. If necessary, I will apologize for an ill-thought out action or sentence, but then I leave it (or at least try to leave it - I’m still working on not being Mr Fixer).

It’s a challenge to change behaviours after 39 years of doing it one way, but it works much better!

Thanks for the reminder with the list!
Alex
r wooster
Aug 27 08, 11:56 pm PDT

29
In the words of J Lennon “Imagine”.
If people only were more conciderate
Andrew
Aug 28 08, 12:11 am PDT

30
Being passive is perfectly fine, if you can vent your anger and negative feelings after the arguement.
wendyy
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am PDT

31
Finding the balance between passive and being assertive is one of the most difficult things for me at the moment. I agree with Zach that if I’m not confronting other people with their behaviour (for example colleagues talking me down, stepping on my toes to show how well they do) they are forming a mental image about me that is incorrect and allows them to continue that behaviour.

Being brought up with the attitude to ‘always be nice and fair (yes, no matter what)’ I am usually not ‘quick’ enough to respond assertively - I usually obeserve, not respond, pour honey, make a joke (in no particulair order) After I have given myself time to assess and debate the situation, and I feel it is necessary, I confront the other person in a honest and fair way (or so I try :) ). Usually starting the sentence with: hey, do you remember we were talking about xxx the other day, I was thinking about it and I feel/think/want to share, etc.etc.

This way I am taking off the pressure to respond assertively instantly (which, when added to much pressure, can become like throwing mud at each other), but still giving myself space to step up for myself.

In the long run I do want to be able to stand up for myself more assertively.
Ecle6
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am PDT

32
This is one of the best articles i have come across to take back control of yourself…

www.alphaboard.co.cc/blog

Thanks a lot!
Scott
Aug 28 08, 12:30 am PDT

33
@Zach
You make a terrific point, and I’ll add a comment that intersects my previous entry with your insight. Any assertiveness that comes from a pure place will effectively press behavior to a pure neutrality, whereas assertions from a subjective, reactionary posture will likely swing the pendulum of interactive energy too far in the opposite direction. This often furthers any would be conflict. From that observation point that I mentioned previously, wisdom is more likely in the words and actions offered. You don’t need to sit down and meditate to deliver the perfect punch to the situation. Just be a watcher of yourself, the other party and the whole situation as you act immediately. As the watcher you are not tossed about in the waves of emotion that crash in a would-be heated situation.
Dan
Aug 28 08, 1:05 am PDT

34
A nice article with some helpful comments too. I have been revising my whole outlook on how best to be. The comment regarding assertiveness is important, I think there is a distinction here.

Assertiveness is how you deal with the situation as it happens whereas this article gives some great ways of ensuring you do not let things get to you or even begin on a route towards beating yourself up before or after.

I think It is important not to be 100% passive as a rule of how you live your life, its just impossible in todays world to be that way without being taken advantage of.
Wakas Mir

Aug 28 08, 1:49 am PDT

35
Amazing article.. I write a lot about positivity and this thing pops up all the time when people wonder how to deal with difficult people. And like most of the people I always used to reply to rude users with a on the spot reply, but as you mentioned the best way is to hold on to your energy :)

thx
SJ
Aug 28 08, 1:51 am PDT

36
Good advice.

As someone who has had to deal with all sorts of people online one of the biggest problems I come up against is communication issues. Putting aside language problems I often find people forget when online that they are talking to people from a world wide community. When people forget this fact we get people communicating about issues as if the other people share the same nationality, culture, religion, gender and economic position and it often leads to genuinely reasonable people ending up in arguments because of the lack of face to face communication making them forget about those significant differences between people that do influence communication.

The worst though is when there are people no matter how you try to communicate something they simply a) do not understand the concept or b) they don’t want to understand the concept. In terms of running an internet discussion board trying to work out which of these two categories a person falls into can be incredibly difficult.
Marc
Aug 28 08, 2:07 am PDT

37
If someone tries to wind me up or insult me, I tend to give them a thumbs up, say “cool” and either turn and talk to someone else or then say “anyway…” and carry on with the conversation
Xem
Aug 28 08, 2:30 am PDT

38
I am currently dealing with “difficult people”. I will try to use # 1 2 6 9.
Thanks!
N E

Aug 28 08, 2:44 am PDT

39
I find tips 3 and 12 are the most important and respected. “The water of a ducks back” not only you as being a mature person, I think it garners influence and respect from others.
This is also called the s**** happens method ;)
bob
Aug 28 08, 2:45 am PDT

40
The pour honey tip is really good. Just smile at the negative person and say something nice and usually most negativity goes away and both you and the person you are arguing with gets a better and maybe more productive day! Of course it can be hard to make yourself do it instead of replying in a negative way, but it’s worth it. It always works for me, at least to some degree.
Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters

Aug 28 08, 4:13 am PDT

41
“Does it really matter if I’m right?” - is my favorite line within the post. When we get on our high horse with a difficult person then we can never move on. They are probably stubborn and now you are too. The best way to get past this is to decide that it doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is that I can see both sides.
PeaceLoveJoyBliss
Aug 28 08, 4:35 am PDT

42
Hi Tina, I appreciate your thoughtful take on this subject.

I’ve trained myself to be a witness to my experience when the primal juices start flowing, and remind myself that it’s nothing personal.

Negativity itself is impersonal, alien to heart and soul. Whatever I can do to nourish heart and soul on a daily basis, I will do. The more I can nourish, the more immunity I seem to have with bad vibes.

Christopher
Will is GALVANIZD

Aug 28 08, 4:39 am PDT

43
I have to give it to you Tina, I’m SO impressed that you’re pushing through all this negativity and wrote such a thorough and concise article on dealing with difficult people.

I used to think that ALL of the prominent bloggers who amass a following were spouting out the same material as their “teachers” be it self-help or spiritual “gurus” claiming it as their own. That belief doesn’t hold true.

I admit that on my part, it was almost like a lashing out to cry foul to those who were “ripping off” other self-help material. It came from a place of jealousy and scarcity mindset.

We’re standing on the shoulders of giants and innovation is inspired by knowledge and technology of old.

Be it Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Robin Sharma or any other “guru”, it doesn’t matter. Bloggers like you that are pumping out quality material that builds upon the teachings of these so-called gurus in such a way that is relatable to the everyday person. It has made free that information that we’ve learned and made it available to the masses…. this is something HUGE.. I can feel it and I’m proud to witness and be a part of this movement in the blogosphere ;)

Cheers!

Will
Song

Aug 28 08, 4:53 am PDT

44
What a lovely post and something everyone can use! I’ll certainly be remembering your tips next time I have to deal with someone unpleasant and focus on letting go of unpleasantness I’ve already experienced..
Travis
Aug 28 08, 5:04 am PDT

45
You wouldn’t happen to be a taoist, or have listened to Stuart Wilde at all, would you?
Eric

Aug 28 08, 5:46 am PDT

46
I’d be really interested to hear people’s reactions to Zach’s comment. The article rang true to me and seems wise, but Zach’s comments also make sense. Tina, what is your take on the shopping cart scenario? Would you advocate the “passive” response?

***********************

REPLY

Hi Eric,

I just replied with my thoughts on the shopping cart scenario below (scroll down or search for “Tina Su” on the page.)

Thanks for the question! :)

Tina
Arrlui
Aug 28 08, 5:50 am PDT

47
Difficult people should be tied to a radiator and kicked to death, then rolled down a flight of stairs. On fire.
Katrineholm Uncensored

Aug 28 08, 6:25 am PDT

48
I looked at all your steps/methods for dealing with difficult people. Whew, what a long list! It’s simpler to quietly-and with a smile upon one’s face-tell a difficult person to F–K OFF! Works like a charm! Try it sometime. Here, you and your readers can practice it with me if you need some practice.
Nia
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am PDT

49
What a brilliant article! It’s come at a good time for me, too. Thank you so much, Tina.
blade
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am PDT

50
When i face that kind of situations i just can’t not respond! Actually, my reaction depends on my mood and the others statements, but as a marketer i generally analyse the core argument of their position and crush it, that’s something that puts an end really quickly to the conversation as they just can’t come up with anything to justify it, cause as long as they think their attitude is legitimate they’ll just continue pissing you off, being able to controle yourself and not react doesn’t mean necesserally that the other will stop pissing you off, some people just love doing that and will keep pushing you hard till you reach your limit, and then when you start reacting tell you let’s not continue talking about it, when it comes down to this nobody can keep his cool, not even you :) . Stay cool, listen, analyse, think, and strike! When I’ll feel that I just can’t come up with the ultimate argument, i use your method because it’s definetly the best.
Asia Hadley

Aug 28 08, 6:38 am PDT

51
Although I agree with you that most people who are expressing negativity are expressing themselves based on what is inside of them, I’d like to add that although it is not about you, it is about YOU.

How will you respond to the situation? How are you viewing the situation? What feelings are coming up inside of you that is causing you to have an emotional reaction? What feelings need to be healed within yourself? These are questions we can ask and answer ourselves when faced with challenging situations.

I go into further detail about finding the “lessons” and “blessings” in situations in my post, ” How a Spiritual View of Stress can De-stress You.” www.beaconsfrontline.com

-Asia
Beacons on the Frontline,
Sustaining the light of those who serve
ggiD
Aug 28 08, 7:24 am PDT

52
Maybe sometimes the difficult people are right and they just are expressing it.

Maybe you need to accept the fact that an individual is not right all the time.
Shaunda
Aug 28 08, 7:37 am PDT

53
To Zach,

That was a very thoughtful response, but I have a slightly different view on the issue.

I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say “Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquantainces, I need to stop”. Most people already know that it’s not okay to treat people in an aggressive manner, particularly when they have no reason to do so. When you confront someone with negativity over the situation, you’re adding to what those people want from you, and that’s to A) notice them and B) react to their behaviour. This just gives them more incentive to be negative to you and throughout the rest of their day.

The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.

Now, personally I think lobbing a person’s reaction to negativity into the the three textbook categories that you mentioned, aggressive, passive and assertive, is slightly mistaken. I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a “passive” action. (Introspective, perhaps?) You could very well argue that you don’t have enough time to give that much thought into a situation before you need to react to it, but I think that by instinct alone people will always choose negativity and aggression back.

I believe that Tina’s underlying message, whether you follow the steps or not, is to stop negativity from exponentially growing and to come from a more understanding place when this situation arises. We all have days where we may unknowingly act before we think, creating negativity around us, what would you want someone to say to you if you were negative and aggressive towards them? What would help you come out of your mood?
Tom Stine | Life Coach for Spiritual People

Aug 28 08, 8:15 am PDT

54
Hi Tina…. I’m glad #1 was forgive. In the final analysis, it is the only way to be at peace. I equate forgive with “letting go”, and when I do that, all the rest just follows. Sometimes I talk to the person, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I ignore them. But the results don’t even compare with the inner peace that comes from forgiveness, or letting go.

As always, a well done post. Be well…. Tom
Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.

Aug 28 08, 9:30 am PDT

55
Dealing with difficult people depends on the situation.

I have two main two strategies:

1. Denying toxic people access to my inner circle and picking my battles

You can’t remove manipulative, negative, angry people from the world at large, but you certainly can keep them out of your immediate world.

2. Picking my battles.

Some issues must be addressed, not to make me right, but because it’s the right thing to do. But there are other issues that aren’t worth the energy and time.
Zach

Aug 28 08, 10:21 am PDT

56
@Shaunda,

Thanks for your thoughts. Here is my response:

Shaunda: “The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.”

With regards to how the article was written, I don’t believe that is an unfair example. The author doesn’t explicitly limit her advice to dealing with people who are difficult to only you personally. The article is at best ambiguous about whether this is advice on how to react when someone acts viciously towards a loved one. From the article, blanket statements such as these are examples:

Tina: “Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person.”

I think most people would reasonably interpret that to encompass ALL negative behavior, including such behavior directed towards loved ones. At the very least, the article should make it very clear in what situations the advice should be applied.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a ‘passive’ action.”

To clarify my use of the word “passive”, I am going with definition #1 from dictionary.com, where passive is defined as “not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.” In that sense, simply “being mindful and trying to understand the person”, without any external or “visible” reaction would be considered passive.

I do think you make a good point about “trying to understand the person and the situation” before reacting. Sometimes we mistakingly interpret innocent behavior as rude. Someone might cut in front of you in line not to be rude, but just because they didn’t notice you. In which case “That was very rude. Don’t cut in front of me.” is a premature reaction because you didn’t take the time to fully understand the situation. In that case, something like “Excuse me, but I believe I was in line before you. Would you mind letting me go ahead?” would be more appropriate.

On the other hand, my example of running over your child’s foot and then calling him a brat requires very little investigation to be understood. That is hurtful name-calling, it is obviously unacceptable behavior, and it is appropriate to assertively confront the person about it. Perhaps, instead of my initial advised reaction of “That was extremely rude. You don’t talk to people like that.”, a direct question would be better in the spirit of trying to understand the person. Something like “Why would you say something like that?” might be a better way to initiate, and it gives them more of a chance to apologize. If they continue their rudeness, then saying things like “That was a rude, vicious thing to say, and it was uncalled for. This conversation is over.” might be more appropriate.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say ‘Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquaintances, I need to stop’.

I agree that confronting a person in this way probably won’t change their behavior. But you are teaching them some sort of lesson, even if it’s not as strong a lesson as they might deserve. You are teaching them that if they behave badly, they will get called on it. Maybe that’s not enough to make them reconsider their behavior, but at at the very least it will show them there are consequences to their actions. And you will feel better because you expressed your opinion in an assertive, confident way.

To sum it up, I think you made a good point about trying to understand people who are behaving badly. With that in mind, I’d like to slightly alter my advice by combining it with a bit of yours. As an initial response to rudeness, do try to understand someone, but bring it in to the external world. When someone is rude, instead of just being introspective about it, confront them by asking them “Why would you say something like that?”. That might be more likely to receive a thoughtful response and an apology. And if it just leads to more rudeness, then I still say the best thing to do is follow my initial advice.

-Zach
Marianne

Aug 28 08, 10:31 am PDT

57
This article is fantastic! My biggest struggle lately is to not take things personally - I seem to have gotten into the habit of angering myself or worrying myself over so many things, and I’ve been looking for ways to support new habits that allow me to let things go - before my health is affected any more. What’s funny is I don’t remember always being this way - it really seems to be a very bad habit I’ve picked up - so your list of actions to take is going to be very useful to me. Thanks very much!
Marcelo.Abans
Aug 28 08, 10:42 am PDT

58
I innately do these things and it’s good to see, I spread the article to everyone in my office since we all have to deal with a difficult manager who seems to be negative about a lot of things..
Daniel Edlen

Aug 28 08, 11:03 am PDT

59
I love how it seems with each of your posts, somebody comments that they really needed what you said that day. Pretty cool, and that they thank you for it.

This is a great one. I like the mention of stomach tightening. That’s my, well, gut check. If my stomach’s tight, I know something’s up.

People, even currently difficult ones, are in our lives for a reason. They are reflecting something Life wants us to recognize. At least that’s usually a helpful way of looking at it when in the moment. “What am I supposed to learn?”

And, I suppose sometimes, what one is supposed to learn is to fight back. There is a place in this world for all experience, all action, no judgement. Yes you have to be willing to accept consequences for actions and decisions, but, heck, punching somebody in the face might be what they need too!

Thinking about puppies is a great suggestion, Snoop Digg. Made me smile.

Peace.
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife

Aug 28 08, 12:47 pm PDT

60
I try to remember something that I once heard, “Hurt people, hurt people”. Difficult people usually have something they are struggling with themselves. The best policy is avoid letting them get to you.

Don’t forfeit your power to them. It isn’t about what they do to you, it is about how you react.
Liara Covert

Aug 28 08, 2:25 pm PDT

61
You could always choose to realize that what you perceive as difficult in other people actually resonates back about parts of your own mind that require attention. As a ‘difficult’ person helps you become aware about parts of your inner wounds and hidden, authentic self, then that person is also a meaningful teacher on your journey to enlightenment.
Ali Rayner
Aug 28 08, 6:17 pm PDT

62
I am currently having a difficult and complicated time with my sister.
I found this blog very helpful, Thank you.

There is one point I’d like to make about the idea that “we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” I beg to differ here. There are animals who display, at times, greater emotional intelligence than us, and a greater sense of self control.

We are just animals, but we are the only animals hindered by ambition, who go against nature and put ourselves on a pedestal.
I always hear alarm bells when someone says we are more intelligent than animals. Often we accidentally mistake technological intelligence for emotional intelligence. I don’t know the solution to this common occurrence, but I know it’s not healthy for us or the planet.

They may not know how to use a computer, except maybe for chimps, but we can learn a lot from our animal friends. Kung Fu is based on observing animals. For instance a dog may be harassed by a child and not bite. There could be several things going on here, tolerance, love and compassion, an understanding of the pecking order, or an understanding of consequence (If I bite I get punished.). A Kung Fu master uses these insights and adapts them to his or her own actions.
Cath Lawson

Aug 28 08, 6:19 pm PDT

63
Hi Tina - Thanks for these suggestions. I still struggle to deal with negative people and your suggestions are useful. I also get quite a few attacks on my blog and I find it difficult not to take some of them personally - but as you said, it’s not about me, it’s about the other person.

I will try to remember that.
grammar nazi
Aug 28 08, 6:25 pm PDT

64
‘blind-sided’. I think you meant ‘blind-sided’, not ‘blind sighted’, it’s as if you were writing phonetically. Maybe you were, I don’t care. Some people say I’m just being picky, difficult even; a picky person picking on peoples’ use of language like a picky so-and-so, but you know what, “phooey”. That’s all. Looking forward to your comeback. It’s what I live for. Nice blog btw.
Daniel Richard

Aug 29 08, 2:07 am PDT

65
Lol. This article came in timely. Had a bad day yesterday cos’ of *ahem (hint: the title says it all)* and had delayed both my friend and I a huge amount of time to solve one problem.

Looking on the brighter side, you have wrote all it needed and chose a pretty funny picture that helped cheered my day up. :)

Thanks Tina!

Daniel
ady

Aug 29 08, 2:44 am PDT

66
A very interesting article. I did never thought about that. I’m trying to be positive but sometimes I hurt people with my negativism. Thank you for this article
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Aug 29 08, 5:11 am PDT

67
Another option: We are all one and the same.

Any opinion they can have, we can have to.

Therefore let us have nothing to do with harming each other.

And all remain happy together.
peter vajda

Aug 29 08, 7:37 am PDT

68
You May Be Aiding “Difficult” People to Be Difficult

No relationship is exclusively one-way. When any two people interact, the influences flow in both directions.

So if there’s someone at work (at home or at play) who consistently irritates you, peeves you, and just generally gets under your skin, know this: you are almost certainly part of your problem.

Google “working with difficult people”, and you’ll get about 16,800 hits; “difficult people at work”, 10, 700; and just “difficult people”, a whopping 1,730,000 hits!

There’s no question that in most every organization (home and playground), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us, and behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as “difficult people”. Some we label simply “irritating”; some we label “rude” and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.

In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them “difficult”, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult - that is, underlying, supporting and triggering our reactivity and characterizations are the stories we tell ourselves about such folks. “S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor)” that categorizes them as ‘difficult’.

When we drill down to the “truth” of the difficulty matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish, off the charts or aberrant; the “truth” of the difficulty matter is that often the “difficulty” is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What often occurs is that we have created a “story” about that person, a story we take as real, a story we assume is true.

So, when we feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step is to check out the reality of the story, the facts. How?

HERE ARE THREE SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK:

1. What is that person doing, or how are they being, that is problematical for me?
In other words, ask yourself what the observable and measurable behaviors are that point to “difficulty”. Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment along the lines as: “Well, it’s nothing specific; he’s just being an “a–hole”. Because we are so attached to our story, we often fail to grasp the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I am directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do, or be, differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story and you’ll need to be clear on the facts.
2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?
When we create stories, we create a way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “laziness” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving that I can characterize as lazy, in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting, me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up “rejection” tunes and look for, and listen for, incidents which allow me to say, “See, there she goes again; she likes that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”
We create distortions that support us to prove we are “right”; that our story is true. We look to archive lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves:

** “Is this the whole story?”
** “Is my story, really, really the truth?”
** “Is it possible I am distorting things just a bit?”

In fact:

** “Is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the ogre I make him or her out to be?”
** “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?
The bottom line is that our stories influence our behavior (at work, at home and at play). Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become “conscious” of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are:

** “How do I behave toward another based on my story?” And,
** “Am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

A next step is to become curious as to whether, in fact, I am perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being “difficult” through my story and reactivity?
Yes, there are “difficult” people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really “difficult” in and of themselves or whether I am a major contributing factor to their being “difficult” through my story, and, more sincerely, honestly, and self-responsibly, how do I know the difference.
Finally, I invite you to reflect on the following thoughts that might inform your inquiry into “difficult” people and your stories about them

Everyone is in “chapter three” of their life and often we base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in “chapter one” and “chapter two”. Truth is, we don’t know.
Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk” (Or fill in the blank with another “difficult” descriptor you use.) And then perhaps compassionately give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as “the truth”.
No one (read: NO ONE) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.”
Luis

Aug 29 08, 7:58 am PDT

69
This post came to me in the perfect time, but I chose no to read it imediately. Then that night I ran into one of those persons who has nothing nice to say about things, always negative and truly a pain in the butt. She made me so mad, she totally disturbed me, to the point a had to leave so I wouldn’t have to stand her.
When I came home that night, and started reading my feeds, the same article caught my attention again, and how i wished I would have read it before. Thanks! I loved it and I’m putting it to practice as soon as I can!

www.elsoponcio.blogspot.com
John
Aug 29 08, 8:38 am PDT

70
Fantastic article. I have printed it for a friend that can really benefit from this.

Thanks!
Tina Su

Aug 29 08, 11:07 am PDT

71
Hi Zach & Eric,

Thanks for adding your thoughts. They’re very valuable and valid. I don’t disagree with you.

The challenge with writing an article like this is that I try to make it very general, so that people can use their Best judgment to apply it within their own lives when appropriate.

As such, there will always be scenarios where my general-idealistic-positive approach wouldn’t be appropriate. As with any topic or statement, when looked deep enough, we can also find holes for how it can fail, why it isn’t true. This is natural.

The point with this article isn’t to say, “Let’s be Passive all the time.” The point here is to remind ourselves that we have choices and by always reacting and falling with the flow of our animal instincts, we develop habits that isn’t necessarily conducive to our health.

Nothing here is definite. Nothing here is final. Nothing here is absolute. There is a time and place for everything. I trust that we will handle each situation to the best of our current abilities. This article just aims at adding perspectives, to help if you need. It’s optional, and not absolute. And I do not recommend taking it to the extreme.

Re: shopping cart scenario

Yesterday, a man rushing down the street almost stepping on my dog and I instantly reacted with “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” and the man reacted angrily at me.

Even thought I felt that I was wronged and I felt better mentally by reacting. It took me about 10 minutes afterward to fully release the negative energy in me. I continued walking and observing the tension within me. It didn’t feel very good.

Had I interrupted my instinctive reaction with something like laughing or saying “Oooops!!”, I would have spent that 10 minutes enjoying the beautiful afternoon day in the city, instead of releasing negative energy.

One thing I’ve learned is that you cannot change people. Especially strangers who you’ve just confronted in a grocery store. They will be too much in their heads and egos to even really listen to where you’re coming from. When people are confronted, even if they are at fault, their instinct is to react back to you with more aggression. So in such a scenario, I don’t think it would have helped anyone by reacting negatively to the guy. He will not change just because you voiced your opinion to him. He won’t care.

As I said, there are no rights and wrongs here. Take it with a grain of salt. If someone is threatening your life or the life of your loved one, heck yeah! You’ll need to do what it takes to protect them.

Slightly unrelated but related: A friend of mine and his family was held at gun point in Africa and he got out of that situation using Humor. I wouldn’t have thought of that in a life threatening situation, but the non-aggressive approach worked for him and his family.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Aug 29 08, 8:02 pm PDT

72
Hi Tina, what about negative family members?
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