Dealing with Difficult People

152 Comments

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

Hurting Ourselves - One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
It’s Not About You, It’s About Them - I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
Battle of the Ego - When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. - Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
Waste of Energy - Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
Negativity Spreads - I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
Freedom of Speech - People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves - it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive - What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out - Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” - Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond - Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It - When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes - As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons - No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life - Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer - When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario - Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions - When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important - List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey - This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It - Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Kathy Sierra: Angry/Negative People Bad for Your Brain
Book: Emotional Intelligence
Book: The Power of Now

152 Responses (150 Comments, 2 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Louis Liem

Aug 27 08, 5:25 pm PDT

1
I tend to flow with the conversation and let them say whatever in their mind. They can say anything they think of and it doesn’t matter to me because sometimes it’s only in their head.

But if they make the issue public, I would make my opinions heard too for sure, but not pushing them.
It worked quite well I think. Some of the people who have been difficult to my friends, express a different attitude towards me. They “demand less” :)
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

Aug 27 08, 5:31 pm PDT

2
Good stuff Tina! I’ve found that if a negative person insults you and you take it to heart, it often shows a fear or shame that you have not examined or accepted fully. For instance, if someone accuses me of being a ten eyed monster, I probably won’t feel much beyond laughter. If someone called me a liar, or something, I might feel some anger or defensiveness, even if I never lied to him. But obviously I have lied to other people in the past, and I might not have fully accepted or forgiven myself for that.

Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Jonathan Mead

Aug 27 08, 5:34 pm PDT

3
The most powerful thing for me with dealing with difficult people, or everyone for that matter, is not taking things personally. Just that one agreement has the power to completely transform your life.

After all, I think we have enough to worry about ourselves. We waste too much time worrying about the opinions and approval of others. Like you said Tina, it’s not about us anyway. It’s about them.

Jonathan

http://illuminatedmind.net - Re-claim ownership of your Mind.
Evelyn Lim

Aug 27 08, 6:02 pm PDT

4
I like points #1 and #9. Currently, I’m practicing no judging and to exercise compassion for others. Instead of cursing under my breath like how I used to, I just assume that the other party is having a bad day, or simply very unaware of his or her own negativity (it’s like what you said that the outward expression is a reflection of one’s internal emotional state). As I observe the negative behavior with detachment, I can’t help but feel compassion.
Mike King

Aug 27 08, 6:07 pm PDT

5
Become the observer and pour some honey… Brilliant wording! I think these are the easiest way to not only avoid but completely dissolve a difficult situation or person. If you look at WHY they might be reacting it gives you some room to help and if you return in kindness instead of in kind, you can quickly diffuse someone who is upset no matter the reason.
HIB

Aug 27 08, 6:19 pm PDT

6
Great post! I’m a first time visitor and I really enjoy your blog. Great stuff!
Thanks!
-HIB
Devan

Aug 27 08, 6:26 pm PDT

7
In a direct confrontation situation, i.e. face to face or on the phone, I find one of the best things to do is to just pause, and breathe. I mean, really breathe deeply and consciously. Sometime it means I stop talking for about 30 seconds or so mid stream. This has several effects:

1. the breathing physically relaxes my mind/body
2. the pause sometimes make the other person stop and take stock of the situation, which sometimes means they calm right down
3. the pause gives them ample opportunity to vent and expend their negative energy so we can restart the conversation in a calmer manner

Oddly, I find that doing this almost always makes me smile. I don’t know if it is an ‘oxygen buzz’ or the genuine letting go of stress but I usually get some funny imagery or see the funny side of the situation!
Eng. Hasan Al-Bahkali
Aug 27 08, 6:39 pm PDT

8
Nice blog
Lewis

Aug 27 08, 6:40 pm PDT

9
Tina,

Some great suggestions here! I would have to agree with the point on going for a run. If something or someone frustrates you, the best way to flush out the negative feelings are to burn it off with a run or a tough workout.

Thanks for your post.
Writer Dad

Aug 27 08, 6:42 pm PDT

10
The picture of the woman drinking from the bottle of wine caught me completely by surprise. It made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

******************

REPLY

hahaha.. I put that there since I found it to be funny and ironically appropriate. :) Glad you got the joke.

Tina
Nathalie Lussier

Aug 27 08, 7:00 pm PDT

11
I love how all of your articles have such a personal touch, even on topics like this one that we all deal with.

I used to deal with difficult people by just shutting down. Now I like to take a step back and relax before I “react”. Usually by thinking about something else I will see the situation differently. Also I like to ask myself: will this really matter to me in 10 years from now?
Natalie Ferguson

Aug 27 08, 7:12 pm PDT

12
Don’t Respond is the biggie.

If they are truly negative, they are hanging out WAITING for you to rise to the bait. If you ignore them, it hurts them more.

Not that I’m a vindictive person, but if someone is out to hurt you and you appear unfazed, it really irks them.

If they aren’t and have a valid point, you probably will realise that within a day or two and be able to talk it through
deeesseee
Aug 27 08, 8:26 pm PDT

13
This article is stupid.
You are stupid.
This whole website is stupid.

Only joking, hope I didn’t get to you. Great article, like always. Definitely one that I wish I could really take to heart.
Snoop Digg
Aug 27 08, 8:37 pm PDT

14
How I deal with difficult people:

1. First I take a deep, calming breath and think about puppies.
2. I sew an entire blanket to keep my mind off the trouble.
3. I eat two bags of cheetos.
4. I adopt a Vietnamese child.
5. I eat pork rinds.
6. I kick the difficult person in the groin.
Just Joking
Aug 27 08, 8:40 pm PDT

15
Just punch them in the face. Problem solved :)
Jennifer
Aug 27 08, 8:45 pm PDT

16
Loved your idea’s. Will be sure to use them. Glad I found this website.
Milliner
Aug 27 08, 9:09 pm PDT

17
You ought to read David Viscott, MD’s book, “Emotional Resilience.” This article touches on a lot of concepts, but offers no technique for accomplishing them. Telling people to “forgive” doesn’t tell them anything; people may know what word implies, but they don’t know how to do it; I sure didn’t. In order to forgive one has to admit one’s own partial responsibility, and not only recognize that the other person is a human being who makes mistakes, who was raised a certain way, but that they have to forgive themselves for the same reasons.
The Baroness

Aug 27 08, 9:12 pm PDT

18
Wow. This article is beautiful, and I feel that it is truly serendipitous that it came my way today!! Thank you!
business

Aug 27 08, 9:14 pm PDT

19
Timing of this couldn’t be better. Just started my new cubicle job with hostile co-workers.
Rick

Aug 27 08, 9:18 pm PDT

20
Apologize! I work with the public in a grocery store. Be careful what you apologize for. I typically apologize for the “confusion” most of the time. If someone is angry, I’ll try to stay calm and ask questions. It’s often a misunderstanding and a lot of times I apologize that I can’t help them anymore. Sometimes I can think of something that “might” help them. ie. a package sauce instead of the bottled sauce they were looking for and we might be out of. Most people just want to be heard and have their opinion respected, even if you think it is “off the wall.” Saying “I never thought of it that way.” gives them credit for “originality” and following up with a smile or something silly like “Well, we have to let the competition win sometimes!” Or “Of course, I was hired for my looks…and yes that was a loooong time ago!”
Paul
Aug 27 08, 9:35 pm PDT

21
A lot of very sensible advice which I will refer back to often.

My one concern is about cutting negative people out of your life. Seen this advice around a lot. It seems unduly selfish since you have already said they are just bored and unhappy.

Everyone gets negative once in a while, some people more than others, but often with good cause. It would be a terrible world if people thought that they should cut out everyone they know who has any kind of problem. Anyone could suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of this summary punishment.

Intelligent balanced people can benefit themselves and gain a deeper understanding of the world by trying to understand less happy people and becoming a positive influence in their lives. The skills you learn will benefit you in your career in negotiations and in your relationships with other people who have more admirable qualities.
Zach
Aug 27 08, 9:48 pm PDT

22
I totally disagree with the overall passive strategy. In general there are 3 ways to respond to a conflict: Passively, Aggressively, and Assertively. You’re suggesting it is almost always appropriate to be passive, where as I believe 90% of the time, an assertive response is appropriate.

I think we let people get away with bad behavior too often, and not confronting them reinforces that behavior. Imagine someone steps on your foot at the grocery store, then gives you a dirty look and says “get out of my way.” What if someone does the same thing to a 10 year old child? Damn right I’m going to confront them. I’ll tell them “That was extremely rude. You don’t treat people like that.” Are they going to apologize and make amends? Maybe, but probably not. They’ll probably just yell at you or say more rude things to you. That’s when you can say “This conversation is over”, and walk away. You may still be angry, but you’ll feel a lot better than if you had done nothing. And you’ve shown the rude person that there are consequences to bad behavior. If they’re going to treat people poorly, they’re going to hear about it. Is that a strong enough consequence? Ideally, perhaps not, but it’s much better than nothing and only takes you a few extra seconds.

As I mentioned, around 90% of the time, and assertive response is appropriate. However I do agree there are times when it is appropriate to be passive. For example, if being assertive would put your life or job in jeopardy, a passive response is probably the best choice. If someone cuts you off in traffic and gives you the finger, it’s probably not worth your time to follow him, wait for him to stop, and then confront him on his rude behavior. Similarly there are times when it is appropriate to be aggressive. If someone is threatening your life or the life of a loved one, and you see no way to escape, you should probably be aggressive and fight back.

The “just don’t let it bother you” strategy is unrealistic. Again, imagine someone runs over your 10 year old son’s foot with a grocery cart, then sneers and says “get out of my way you little brat”. You’re probably going to be furious, and justifiably so. If you’re passive, you’re just going to be more angry for not standing up for yourself and your child.

Instead of following the advice in this article, I encourage everyone to be more assertive in these types of situations. People are rude because they think they can get away with it without consequences, So take a few seconds of your time and show them they can’t. You’ll feel a lot better and maybe they’ll think twice before acting that way again.
Scott
Aug 27 08, 10:09 pm PDT

23
@Paul
Just be careful that you remain in the right state of mind when subjecting yourself to people who have this habit. Note your physiological tendency to react on the level that they initiate and the importance of maintaining a clarity communicated in the article. If you cannot maintain a pure and healthy state, remove this person and practice on someone less powerful or persistent until your skills allow a return attempt. Learning to surf in 10ft waves isn’t the best starting point. Graduating to 10ft waves from 8ft waves holds much more promise of growth.

@Tina
#9 should be #1 in my opinion, causing most of the remaining points to be unnecessary. #9 is a tremendous tool to take with you into any situation or relationship. Reason being that your emotions are accurate indicators of your perceptions of your situation. Once you get an objective read on those perceptions, only then can you make corrections that will calm internal alarms and subsequent fear-based words or actions.

@Milliner
The actual usable technique is nested in #9. I find this tremendously helpful to use any time one of my ‘red flags’ is tripped. By red flag I mean a feeling of dread, fear, lack, resentment, need to be right, or general social tension. I treat any detectably negative emotion as a red flag, and at the observance of such a feeling I separate myself from the situation mentally and watch not only the room but my own emotions from a distance behind my head. This gets me out of the emotional push and pull and into a calm, objective state where I can trust my judgment.
Uselessbrain.com

Aug 27 08, 10:26 pm PDT

24
I think most people are capable of training there responds. Life is controlled by pain and pleasure. So sometimes we need to take some pain to get to the pleasure.
Blaat
Aug 27 08, 10:47 pm PDT

25
Ha. I initially misread ‘Go for a Run … ‘ as ‘Go for a Gun … ‘ ;-)
The Operator

Aug 27 08, 10:55 pm PDT

26
But what about dealing with manipulative people? (I’d say run… quickly ;)
hippie hater
Aug 27 08, 11:46 pm PDT

27
i gotta say this is complete bullshit. im not joking. you are way too passive, like homedude said above, much more constructively than i am willing to. if you dont assert your opinion you are a fucking doormat. I wont be checking back waiting with baited breath for a response, you can get away with not responding to my comment. ignoring this sort of mentality, however, is a deep character flaw.

your advice sucks
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome

Aug 27 08, 11:48 pm PDT

28
Like Nathalie above, I used to just shut down or immediately assume I’d done something wrong and try to make it right and please the other person.

Now I’m learning that if someone is pissed off, it’s not the end of the world and that it’s not my responsibility to make it right. If necessary, I will apologize for an ill-thought out action or sentence, but then I leave it (or at least try to leave it - I’m still working on not being Mr Fixer).

It’s a challenge to change behaviours after 39 years of doing it one way, but it works much better!

Thanks for the reminder with the list!
Alex
r wooster
Aug 27 08, 11:56 pm PDT

29
In the words of J Lennon “Imagine”.
If people only were more conciderate
Andrew
Aug 28 08, 12:11 am PDT

30
Being passive is perfectly fine, if you can vent your anger and negative feelings after the arguement.
wendyy
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am PDT

31
Finding the balance between passive and being assertive is one of the most difficult things for me at the moment. I agree with Zach that if I’m not confronting other people with their behaviour (for example colleagues talking me down, stepping on my toes to show how well they do) they are forming a mental image about me that is incorrect and allows them to continue that behaviour.

Being brought up with the attitude to ‘always be nice and fair (yes, no matter what)’ I am usually not ‘quick’ enough to respond assertively - I usually obeserve, not respond, pour honey, make a joke (in no particulair order) After I have given myself time to assess and debate the situation, and I feel it is necessary, I confront the other person in a honest and fair way (or so I try :) ). Usually starting the sentence with: hey, do you remember we were talking about xxx the other day, I was thinking about it and I feel/think/want to share, etc.etc.

This way I am taking off the pressure to respond assertively instantly (which, when added to much pressure, can become like throwing mud at each other), but still giving myself space to step up for myself.

In the long run I do want to be able to stand up for myself more assertively.
Ecle6
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am PDT

32
This is one of the best articles i have come across to take back control of yourself…

www.alphaboard.co.cc/blog

Thanks a lot!
Scott
Aug 28 08, 12:30 am PDT

33
@Zach
You make a terrific point, and I’ll add a comment that intersects my previous entry with your insight. Any assertiveness that comes from a pure place will effectively press behavior to a pure neutrality, whereas assertions from a subjective, reactionary posture will likely swing the pendulum of interactive energy too far in the opposite direction. This often furthers any would be conflict. From that observation point that I mentioned previously, wisdom is more likely in the words and actions offered. You don’t need to sit down and meditate to deliver the perfect punch to the situation. Just be a watcher of yourself, the other party and the whole situation as you act immediately. As the watcher you are not tossed about in the waves of emotion that crash in a would-be heated situation.
Dan
Aug 28 08, 1:05 am PDT

34
A nice article with some helpful comments too. I have been revising my whole outlook on how best to be. The comment regarding assertiveness is important, I think there is a distinction here.

Assertiveness is how you deal with the situation as it happens whereas this article gives some great ways of ensuring you do not let things get to you or even begin on a route towards beating yourself up before or after.

I think It is important not to be 100% passive as a rule of how you live your life, its just impossible in todays world to be that way without being taken advantage of.
Wakas Mir

Aug 28 08, 1:49 am PDT

35
Amazing article.. I write a lot about positivity and this thing pops up all the time when people wonder how to deal with difficult people. And like most of the people I always used to reply to rude users with a on the spot reply, but as you mentioned the best way is to hold on to your energy :)

thx
SJ
Aug 28 08, 1:51 am PDT

36
Good advice.

As someone who has had to deal with all sorts of people online one of the biggest problems I come up against is communication issues. Putting aside language problems I often find people forget when online that they are talking to people from a world wide community. When people forget this fact we get people communicating about issues as if the other people share the same nationality, culture, religion, gender and economic position and it often leads to genuinely reasonable people ending up in arguments because of the lack of face to face communication making them forget about those significant differences between people that do influence communication.

The worst though is when there are people no matter how you try to communicate something they simply a) do not understand the concept or b) they don’t want to understand the concept. In terms of running an internet discussion board trying to work out which of these two categories a person falls into can be incredibly difficult.
Marc
Aug 28 08, 2:07 am PDT

37
If someone tries to wind me up or insult me, I tend to give them a thumbs up, say “cool” and either turn and talk to someone else or then say “anyway…” and carry on with the conversation
Xem
Aug 28 08, 2:30 am PDT

38
I am currently dealing with “difficult people”. I will try to use # 1 2 6 9.
Thanks!
N E

Aug 28 08, 2:44 am PDT

39
I find tips 3 and 12 are the most important and respected. “The water of a ducks back” not only you as being a mature person, I think it garners influence and respect from others.
This is also called the s**** happens method ;)
bob
Aug 28 08, 2:45 am PDT

40
The pour honey tip is really good. Just smile at the negative person and say something nice and usually most negativity goes away and both you and the person you are arguing with gets a better and maybe more productive day! Of course it can be hard to make yourself do it instead of replying in a negative way, but it’s worth it. It always works for me, at least to some degree.
Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters

Aug 28 08, 4:13 am PDT

41
“Does it really matter if I’m right?” - is my favorite line within the post. When we get on our high horse with a difficult person then we can never move on. They are probably stubborn and now you are too. The best way to get past this is to decide that it doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is that I can see both sides.
PeaceLoveJoyBliss
Aug 28 08, 4:35 am PDT

42
Hi Tina, I appreciate your thoughtful take on this subject.

I’ve trained myself to be a witness to my experience when the primal juices start flowing, and remind myself that it’s nothing personal.

Negativity itself is impersonal, alien to heart and soul. Whatever I can do to nourish heart and soul on a daily basis, I will do. The more I can nourish, the more immunity I seem to have with bad vibes.

Christopher
Will is GALVANIZD

Aug 28 08, 4:39 am PDT

43
I have to give it to you Tina, I’m SO impressed that you’re pushing through all this negativity and wrote such a thorough and concise article on dealing with difficult people.

I used to think that ALL of the prominent bloggers who amass a following were spouting out the same material as their “teachers” be it self-help or spiritual “gurus” claiming it as their own. That belief doesn’t hold true.

I admit that on my part, it was almost like a lashing out to cry foul to those who were “ripping off” other self-help material. It came from a place of jealousy and scarcity mindset.

We’re standing on the shoulders of giants and innovation is inspired by knowledge and technology of old.

Be it Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Robin Sharma or any other “guru”, it doesn’t matter. Bloggers like you that are pumping out quality material that builds upon the teachings of these so-called gurus in such a way that is relatable to the everyday person. It has made free that information that we’ve learned and made it available to the masses…. this is something HUGE.. I can feel it and I’m proud to witness and be a part of this movement in the blogosphere ;)

Cheers!

Will
Song

Aug 28 08, 4:53 am PDT

44
What a lovely post and something everyone can use! I’ll certainly be remembering your tips next time I have to deal with someone unpleasant and focus on letting go of unpleasantness I’ve already experienced..
Travis
Aug 28 08, 5:04 am PDT

45
You wouldn’t happen to be a taoist, or have listened to Stuart Wilde at all, would you?
Eric

Aug 28 08, 5:46 am PDT

46
I’d be really interested to hear people’s reactions to Zach’s comment. The article rang true to me and seems wise, but Zach’s comments also make sense. Tina, what is your take on the shopping cart scenario? Would you advocate the “passive” response?

***********************

REPLY

Hi Eric,

I just replied with my thoughts on the shopping cart scenario below (scroll down or search for “Tina Su” on the page.)

Thanks for the question! :)

Tina
Arrlui
Aug 28 08, 5:50 am PDT

47
Difficult people should be tied to a radiator and kicked to death, then rolled down a flight of stairs. On fire.
Katrineholm Uncensored

Aug 28 08, 6:25 am PDT

48
I looked at all your steps/methods for dealing with difficult people. Whew, what a long list! It’s simpler to quietly-and with a smile upon one’s face-tell a difficult person to F–K OFF! Works like a charm! Try it sometime. Here, you and your readers can practice it with me if you need some practice.
Nia
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am PDT

49
What a brilliant article! It’s come at a good time for me, too. Thank you so much, Tina.
blade
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am PDT

50
When i face that kind of situations i just can’t not respond! Actually, my reaction depends on my mood and the others statements, but as a marketer i generally analyse the core argument of their position and crush it, that’s something that puts an end really quickly to the conversation as they just can’t come up with anything to justify it, cause as long as they think their attitude is legitimate they’ll just continue pissing you off, being able to controle yourself and not react doesn’t mean necesserally that the other will stop pissing you off, some people just love doing that and will keep pushing you hard till you reach your limit, and then when you start reacting tell you let’s not continue talking about it, when it comes down to this nobody can keep his cool, not even you :) . Stay cool, listen, analyse, think, and strike! When I’ll feel that I just can’t come up with the ultimate argument, i use your method because it’s definetly the best.
Asia Hadley

Aug 28 08, 6:38 am PDT

51
Although I agree with you that most people who are expressing negativity are expressing themselves based on what is inside of them, I’d like to add that although it is not about you, it is about YOU.

How will you respond to the situation? How are you viewing the situation? What feelings are coming up inside of you that is causing you to have an emotional reaction? What feelings need to be healed within yourself? These are questions we can ask and answer ourselves when faced with challenging situations.

I go into further detail about finding the “lessons” and “blessings” in situations in my post, ” How a Spiritual View of Stress can De-stress You.” www.beaconsfrontline.com

-Asia
Beacons on the Frontline,
Sustaining the light of those who serve
ggiD
Aug 28 08, 7:24 am PDT

52
Maybe sometimes the difficult people are right and they just are expressing it.

Maybe you need to accept the fact that an individual is not right all the time.
Shaunda
Aug 28 08, 7:37 am PDT

53
To Zach,

That was a very thoughtful response, but I have a slightly different view on the issue.

I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say “Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquantainces, I need to stop”. Most people already know that it’s not okay to treat people in an aggressive manner, particularly when they have no reason to do so. When you confront someone with negativity over the situation, you’re adding to what those people want from you, and that’s to A) notice them and B) react to their behaviour. This just gives them more incentive to be negative to you and throughout the rest of their day.

The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.

Now, personally I think lobbing a person’s reaction to negativity into the the three textbook categories that you mentioned, aggressive, passive and assertive, is slightly mistaken. I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a “passive” action. (Introspective, perhaps?) You could very well argue that you don’t have enough time to give that much thought into a situation before you need to react to it, but I think that by instinct alone people will always choose negativity and aggression back.

I believe that Tina’s underlying message, whether you follow the steps or not, is to stop negativity from exponentially growing and to come from a more understanding place when this situation arises. We all have days where we may unknowingly act before we think, creating negativity around us, what would you want someone to say to you if you were negative and aggressive towards them? What would help you come out of your mood?
Tom Stine | Life Coach for Spiritual People

Aug 28 08, 8:15 am PDT

54
Hi Tina…. I’m glad #1 was forgive. In the final analysis, it is the only way to be at peace. I equate forgive with “letting go”, and when I do that, all the rest just follows. Sometimes I talk to the person, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I ignore them. But the results don’t even compare with the inner peace that comes from forgiveness, or letting go.

As always, a well done post. Be well…. Tom
Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.

Aug 28 08, 9:30 am PDT

55
Dealing with difficult people depends on the situation.

I have two main two strategies:

1. Denying toxic people access to my inner circle and picking my battles

You can’t remove manipulative, negative, angry people from the world at large, but you certainly can keep them out of your immediate world.

2. Picking my battles.

Some issues must be addressed, not to make me right, but because it’s the right thing to do. But there are other issues that aren’t worth the energy and time.
Zach

Aug 28 08, 10:21 am PDT

56
@Shaunda,

Thanks for your thoughts. Here is my response:

Shaunda: “The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.”

With regards to how the article was written, I don’t believe that is an unfair example. The author doesn’t explicitly limit her advice to dealing with people who are difficult to only you personally. The article is at best ambiguous about whether this is advice on how to react when someone acts viciously towards a loved one. From the article, blanket statements such as these are examples:

Tina: “Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person.”

I think most people would reasonably interpret that to encompass ALL negative behavior, including such behavior directed towards loved ones. At the very least, the article should make it very clear in what situations the advice should be applied.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a ‘passive’ action.”

To clarify my use of the word “passive”, I am going with definition #1 from dictionary.com, where passive is defined as “not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.” In that sense, simply “being mindful and trying to understand the person”, without any external or “visible” reaction would be considered passive.

I do think you make a good point about “trying to understand the person and the situation” before reacting. Sometimes we mistakingly interpret innocent behavior as rude. Someone might cut in front of you in line not to be rude, but just because they didn’t notice you. In which case “That was very rude. Don’t cut in front of me.” is a premature reaction because you didn’t take the time to fully understand the situation. In that case, something like “Excuse me, but I believe I was in line before you. Would you mind letting me go ahead?” would be more appropriate.

On the other hand, my example of running over your child’s foot and then calling him a brat requires very little investigation to be understood. That is hurtful name-calling, it is obviously unacceptable behavior, and it is appropriate to assertively confront the person about it. Perhaps, instead of my initial advised reaction of “That was extremely rude. You don’t talk to people like that.”, a direct question would be better in the spirit of trying to understand the person. Something like “Why would you say something like that?” might be a better way to initiate, and it gives them more of a chance to apologize. If they continue their rudeness, then saying things like “That was a rude, vicious thing to say, and it was uncalled for. This conversation is over.” might be more appropriate.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say ‘Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquaintances, I need to stop’.

I agree that confronting a person in this way probably won’t change their behavior. But you are teaching them some sort of lesson, even if it’s not as strong a lesson as they might deserve. You are teaching them that if they behave badly, they will get called on it. Maybe that’s not enough to make them reconsider their behavior, but at at the very least it will show them there are consequences to their actions. And you will feel better because you expressed your opinion in an assertive, confident way.

To sum it up, I think you made a good point about trying to understand people who are behaving badly. With that in mind, I’d like to slightly alter my advice by combining it with a bit of yours. As an initial response to rudeness, do try to understand someone, but bring it in to the external world. When someone is rude, instead of just being introspective about it, confront them by asking them “Why would you say something like that?”. That might be more likely to receive a thoughtful response and an apology. And if it just leads to more rudeness, then I still say the best thing to do is follow my initial advice.

-Zach
Marianne

Aug 28 08, 10:31 am PDT

57
This article is fantastic! My biggest struggle lately is to not take things personally - I seem to have gotten into the habit of angering myself or worrying myself over so many things, and I’ve been looking for ways to support new habits that allow me to let things go - before my health is affected any more. What’s funny is I don’t remember always being this way - it really seems to be a very bad habit I’ve picked up - so your list of actions to take is going to be very useful to me. Thanks very much!
Marcelo.Abans
Aug 28 08, 10:42 am PDT

58
I innately do these things and it’s good to see, I spread the article to everyone in my office since we all have to deal with a difficult manager who seems to be negative about a lot of things..
Daniel Edlen

Aug 28 08, 11:03 am PDT

59
I love how it seems with each of your posts, somebody comments that they really needed what you said that day. Pretty cool, and that they thank you for it.

This is a great one. I like the mention of stomach tightening. That’s my, well, gut check. If my stomach’s tight, I know something’s up.

People, even currently difficult ones, are in our lives for a reason. They are reflecting something Life wants us to recognize. At least that’s usually a helpful way of looking at it when in the moment. “What am I supposed to learn?”

And, I suppose sometimes, what one is supposed to learn is to fight back. There is a place in this world for all experience, all action, no judgement. Yes you have to be willing to accept consequences for actions and decisions, but, heck, punching somebody in the face might be what they need too!

Thinking about puppies is a great suggestion, Snoop Digg. Made me smile.

Peace.
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife

Aug 28 08, 12:47 pm PDT

60
I try to remember something that I once heard, “Hurt people, hurt people”. Difficult people usually have something they are struggling with themselves. The best policy is avoid letting them get to you.

Don’t forfeit your power to them. It isn’t about what they do to you, it is about how you react.
Liara Covert

Aug 28 08, 2:25 pm PDT

61
You could always choose to realize that what you perceive as difficult in other people actually resonates back about parts of your own mind that require attention. As a ‘difficult’ person helps you become aware about parts of your inner wounds and hidden, authentic self, then that person is also a meaningful teacher on your journey to enlightenment.
Ali Rayner
Aug 28 08, 6:17 pm PDT

62
I am currently having a difficult and complicated time with my sister.
I found this blog very helpful, Thank you.

There is one point I’d like to make about the idea that “we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” I beg to differ here. There are animals who display, at times, greater emotional intelligence than us, and a greater sense of self control.

We are just animals, but we are the only animals hindered by ambition, who go against nature and put ourselves on a pedestal.
I always hear alarm bells when someone says we are more intelligent than animals. Often we accidentally mistake technological intelligence for emotional intelligence. I don’t know the solution to this common occurrence, but I know it’s not healthy for us or the planet.

They may not know how to use a computer, except maybe for chimps, but we can learn a lot from our animal friends. Kung Fu is based on observing animals. For instance a dog may be harassed by a child and not bite. There could be several things going on here, tolerance, love and compassion, an understanding of the pecking order, or an understanding of consequence (If I bite I get punished.). A Kung Fu master uses these insights and adapts them to his or her own actions.
Cath Lawson

Aug 28 08, 6:19 pm PDT

63
Hi Tina - Thanks for these suggestions. I still struggle to deal with negative people and your suggestions are useful. I also get quite a few attacks on my blog and I find it difficult not to take some of them personally - but as you said, it’s not about me, it’s about the other person.

I will try to remember that.
grammar nazi
Aug 28 08, 6:25 pm PDT

64
‘blind-sided’. I think you meant ‘blind-sided’, not ‘blind sighted’, it’s as if you were writing phonetically. Maybe you were, I don’t care. Some people say I’m just being picky, difficult even; a picky person picking on peoples’ use of language like a picky so-and-so, but you know what, “phooey”. That’s all. Looking forward to your comeback. It’s what I live for. Nice blog btw.
Daniel Richard

Aug 29 08, 2:07 am PDT

65
Lol. This article came in timely. Had a bad day yesterday cos’ of *ahem (hint: the title says it all)* and had delayed both my friend and I a huge amount of time to solve one problem.

Looking on the brighter side, you have wrote all it needed and chose a pretty funny picture that helped cheered my day up. :)

Thanks Tina!

Daniel
ady

Aug 29 08, 2:44 am PDT

66
A very interesting article. I did never thought about that. I’m trying to be positive but sometimes I hurt people with my negativism. Thank you for this article
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Aug 29 08, 5:11 am PDT

67
Another option: We are all one and the same.

Any opinion they can have, we can have to.

Therefore let us have nothing to do with harming each other.

And all remain happy together.
peter vajda

Aug 29 08, 7:37 am PDT

68
You May Be Aiding “Difficult” People to Be Difficult

No relationship is exclusively one-way. When any two people interact, the influences flow in both directions.

So if there’s someone at work (at home or at play) who consistently irritates you, peeves you, and just generally gets under your skin, know this: you are almost certainly part of your problem.

Google “working with difficult people”, and you’ll get about 16,800 hits; “difficult people at work”, 10, 700; and just “difficult people”, a whopping 1,730,000 hits!

There’s no question that in most every organization (home and playground), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us, and behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as “difficult people”. Some we label simply “irritating”; some we label “rude” and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.

In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them “difficult”, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult - that is, underlying, supporting and triggering our reactivity and characterizations are the stories we tell ourselves about such folks. “S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor)” that categorizes them as ‘difficult’.

When we drill down to the “truth” of the difficulty matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish, off the charts or aberrant; the “truth” of the difficulty matter is that often the “difficulty” is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What often occurs is that we have created a “story” about that person, a story we take as real, a story we assume is true.

So, when we feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step is to check out the reality of the story, the facts. How?

HERE ARE THREE SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK:

1. What is that person doing, or how are they being, that is problematical for me?
In other words, ask yourself what the observable and measurable behaviors are that point to “difficulty”. Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment along the lines as: “Well, it’s nothing specific; he’s just being an “a–hole”. Because we are so attached to our story, we often fail to grasp the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I am directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do, or be, differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story and you’ll need to be clear on the facts.
2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?
When we create stories, we create a way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “laziness” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving that I can characterize as lazy, in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting, me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up “rejection” tunes and look for, and listen for, incidents which allow me to say, “See, there she goes again; she likes that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”
We create distortions that support us to prove we are “right”; that our story is true. We look to archive lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves:

** “Is this the whole story?”
** “Is my story, really, really the truth?”
** “Is it possible I am distorting things just a bit?”

In fact:

** “Is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the ogre I make him or her out to be?”
** “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?
The bottom line is that our stories influence our behavior (at work, at home and at play). Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become “conscious” of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are:

** “How do I behave toward another based on my story?” And,
** “Am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

A next step is to become curious as to whether, in fact, I am perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being “difficult” through my story and reactivity?
Yes, there are “difficult” people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really “difficult” in and of themselves or whether I am a major contributing factor to their being “difficult” through my story, and, more sincerely, honestly, and self-responsibly, how do I know the difference.
Finally, I invite you to reflect on the following thoughts that might inform your inquiry into “difficult” people and your stories about them

Everyone is in “chapter three” of their life and often we base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in “chapter one” and “chapter two”. Truth is, we don’t know.
Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk” (Or fill in the blank with another “difficult” descriptor you use.) And then perhaps compassionately give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as “the truth”.
No one (read: NO ONE) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.”
Luis

Aug 29 08, 7:58 am PDT

69
This post came to me in the perfect time, but I chose no to read it imediately. Then that night I ran into one of those persons who has nothing nice to say about things, always negative and truly a pain in the butt. She made me so mad, she totally disturbed me, to the point a had to leave so I wouldn’t have to stand her.
When I came home that night, and started reading my feeds, the same article caught my attention again, and how i wished I would have read it before. Thanks! I loved it and I’m putting it to practice as soon as I can!

www.elsoponcio.blogspot.com
John
Aug 29 08, 8:38 am PDT

70
Fantastic article. I have printed it for a friend that can really benefit from this.

Thanks!
Tina Su

Aug 29 08, 11:07 am PDT

71
Hi Zach & Eric,

Thanks for adding your thoughts. They’re very valuable and valid. I don’t disagree with you.

The challenge with writing an article like this is that I try to make it very general, so that people can use their Best judgment to apply it within their own lives when appropriate.

As such, there will always be scenarios where my general-idealistic-positive approach wouldn’t be appropriate. As with any topic or statement, when looked deep enough, we can also find holes for how it can fail, why it isn’t true. This is natural.

The point with this article isn’t to say, “Let’s be Passive all the time.” The point here is to remind ourselves that we have choices and by always reacting and falling with the flow of our animal instincts, we develop habits that isn’t necessarily conducive to our health.

Nothing here is definite. Nothing here is final. Nothing here is absolute. There is a time and place for everything. I trust that we will handle each situation to the best of our current abilities. This article just aims at adding perspectives, to help if you need. It’s optional, and not absolute. And I do not recommend taking it to the extreme.

Re: shopping cart scenario

Yesterday, a man rushing down the street almost stepping on my dog and I instantly reacted with “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” and the man reacted angrily at me.

Even thought I felt that I was wronged and I felt better mentally by reacting. It took me about 10 minutes afterward to fully release the negative energy in me. I continued walking and observing the tension within me. It didn’t feel very good.

Had I interrupted my instinctive reaction with something like laughing or saying “Oooops!!”, I would have spent that 10 minutes enjoying the beautiful afternoon day in the city, instead of releasing negative energy.

One thing I’ve learned is that you cannot change people. Especially strangers who you’ve just confronted in a grocery store. They will be too much in their heads and egos to even really listen to where you’re coming from. When people are confronted, even if they are at fault, their instinct is to react back to you with more aggression. So in such a scenario, I don’t think it would have helped anyone by reacting negatively to the guy. He will not change just because you voiced your opinion to him. He won’t care.

As I said, there are no rights and wrongs here. Take it with a grain of salt. If someone is threatening your life or the life of your loved one, heck yeah! You’ll need to do what it takes to protect them.

Slightly unrelated but related: A friend of mine and his family was held at gun point in Africa and he got out of that situation using Humor. I wouldn’t have thought of that in a life threatening situation, but the non-aggressive approach worked for him and his family.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Aug 29 08, 8:02 pm PDT

72
Hi Tina, what about negative family members?
webdesignbitch

Aug 29 08, 8:14 pm PDT

73
Hi people)
Just amused with the article. Great job!
I have such problem now)
So am sure i’ll fix! Thank you =)
axel g

Aug 30 08, 1:42 am PDT

74
“Does it really matter if I am right?”

This is skillful & mature…
Sara at On Simplicity

Aug 30 08, 8:05 pm PDT

75
I’ve had fun with a casual “I’m sorry. Did you say something?” after a rude comment or interaction. Most people don’t have the guts to say these things twice, with your full attention on them. It’s a way of letting them know that they’re not going to get away with being insulting, but without escalating the situation.
tina
Aug 30 08, 10:03 pm PDT

76
thank you for the positivity !!!
Wakas

Aug 31 08, 2:47 am PDT

77
Yet again tina nice work.. liked the shopping cart scenario :)
Wendi Kelly

Aug 31 08, 6:16 am PDT

78
I found these tips to be very specific and very helpful. I long ago gave up trying to change other people’s argumentive perceptions. Sometimes people just aren’t ready.They are going to see the world through their own lens anyway so I need to focus on more positive energy. Thank you for all the time you spent putting this together.
bobbi

Aug 31 08, 8:01 am PDT

79
Hello Tina,
Just dropping a line to say hello! I just cam across your blog and found it very interesting, and in line with a lot of my philosophys in life. I too am on a constant journey in this life….love the post!
Martina Varsányi

Aug 31 08, 8:54 am PDT

80
Hi Tina,

today is blogday 2008 (http://www.blogday.org/) and I like to inform you that I recommended your blog some hungarian readers. I hope they will enjoy your blog like me, and I hope you will be a part of blogday as well.
Anni

Aug 31 08, 3:01 pm PDT

81
Excellent post! Dealing with difficult people on a daily basis is inherent to my work. I am sharing this post with my colleagues in hopes they find it as helpful as I have.
J.D. Meier

Aug 31 08, 11:55 pm PDT

82
It’s easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. Difficult people are our best tests. It’s counterintuitive, but if you find a way to agree with your critic, you take the wind from their sails.
Anonymous
Sep 02 08, 3:45 pm PDT

83
Thanks so much for this. Great advice. In my own life I’ve found #2, 7, 10 and 13 to be the best ways of dealing with annoying, negative, and argumentative people. I have a boss right now who is driving me crazy, and I will hang onto this well-written list…maybe tape it inside my desk. :)
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Sep 03 08, 4:05 am PDT

84
I think “Look for the lessons” is the best tip for dealing with difficult people and/or a negative situation. There’s always something we can learn… from any situation!
janelle

Sep 03 08, 9:52 am PDT

85
great advice…I personally employ number 4 all of the time when dealing with difficult people..It’s always best to know when to pick and choose your battles..
Study Aid

Sep 03 08, 1:16 pm PDT

86
Great post! First time visiting your site, and so far so good!
kristina
Sep 04 08, 10:56 pm PDT

87
What a timely post! I work as a cabin crew member for a large international airline and am often faced with negative and difficult passengers and colleagues, almost all of whom I’ve realised really just want some attention (and usually an upgrade!). I’ve been called many derogatory names, have been spat on and accused of all sorts of discrimination, often over the littlest things such as not having an extra blanket, or running out of Pepsi. I know I do my job well but there are just some things I can’t control!

Pour honey. I had been using the term, Kill them with Kindness, but Pour honey is far more positive way of looking at it and really encapsulates the notion of doing away with the negativity completely. What’s more, it works. In the crowded confines of a cabin 40,000ft in the air, most passengers eventually feel embarrassed by their outburst and actually apologise when my reaction to their poison is words of sugar sweet thanks and appreciation.

Not only do I get an apology, I prevent myself from having reports written against me and have actually received a letter of compliment from another passenger who witnessed me handle a particular situation onboard by ‘pouring honey’.
Liz
Sep 05 08, 2:37 pm PDT

88
Hey,

I thought this was a really interesting and intelligent post. The only thing that niggles me - and this isn’t a criticism - is the idea of the ‘right’ to express a negative opinion of someone else to begin with. If we’re talking about rights then you have to mention the counterpoint of responsibilities; the two aren’t mutually exclusive ideas. I find the idea of being offensive and poisonous towards someone else because it’s your ‘right’ to hold and express an opinion incredibly dubious. There is surely a responsibility to be careful of other people’s feelings? In the end all opinions (including this one) are subjective, relative and ultimately worthless.
Steve C

Sep 21 08, 5:32 pm PDT

89
I deal with negative people all the time. Unfortunately, I can’t really avoid them since they are customers of our online store. Most of these tips are very useful. They are just hard to follow sometimes
Varsányi Martina (xSolutions)

Sep 22 08, 2:10 am PDT

90
@Steve C: I read the 4 hour workweek from Timothy Ferriss, and he had a good point on how important (or not) are the difficult customers for a company. His point is, that difficult customers usually don’t spend a lot of monney at your company. They cost a lot of time. It’s better for the company to focus on customers who buy the most product/service.

If those customers are difficult - well that’s not good.
Belle

Sep 26 08, 3:52 am PDT

91
Good write up. Personally, i think its really important that we take a look at people’s motives when they express a negative opinion about us. What spurred those hurtful words. Sometimes it could be out of the grudges they have been nursing overtime, and when it comes out negatively, its always hurtful. Its easier said than done, for one to ignore such abusive words because naturally, we use our hearts and our minds to interpret the words we hear. For me it has been difficult to deal with negative people.
Miss MatchMaker

Sep 27 08, 10:22 pm PDT

92
I love you thoughts! Every few month I try to do a negativity purge and eliminate some of the things and even people who give off too much negativity. This is one I will be sharing with a few people…

xoxo~
Jenny
Oct 12 08, 3:20 am PDT

93
I just found your blog through a link on The Happiness Project and I was I ever glad! After reading several of your pages and enjoying them, this one stood out to me the most, because I went through many years of dealing with a particular nasty person. I couldn’t have avoided the person, due to the particular situation we were in.

Looking back, I realize that I finally was able to cope better when I learned (the hard way) that some people are actually mental cases but disguised under beautiful facades! When I went back to college for a master’s degree, I took several psychology courses and learned much about narcisstic personalities, abnormal psychology, etc,.

You are right on with your tips and the first one was to forgive. The fact that I figured out that a person wasn’t completely sane or reasonable didn’t even come first. I just made up in my mind that my harboring anger and hate was not hurting them in the least; but it was hurting me. I was giving them space in my head, when I really wanted to throw out the memory of them. I decided to forgive the person; I decided also to focus on other people and other issues to change my train of thought. Relief didn’t come overnight, but after that initial adjustment in my head, I began to see the issue more objectively. Then came my realization that as beautiful (on the outside) as this person was, it was what had totally fooled me into not seeing their mental problems more clearly.

Your other tip was to not talk about it, and I truly agree with that. I used to have some pals with whom I would dump on; I told them my hurts, and they saw them too, but their sympathy was all they could give. When I made my decision to forgive, I realized that my rehearsing the ‘facts’ over and over, just made the problem even more ‘real’ to me. When I saw that, I stopped all communication about said person, and their importance to me became less and less.

Your tip about avoiding the person was the easiest for me, because eventually this person moved far away. I was so thankful for that! When you have tried everything to work with a person, and everything has failed, just mark it down as too frustrating to try anymore. Avoid them, and have no more contact with them if possible. In time, you will forget the problems and the person too.
Now, if I feel someone is too difficult to deal with, I treat them civil and professionally, but that is the end of my involvement. ( I am a lot older and smarter now! lol)
Onesnap

Oct 14 08, 1:18 pm PDT

94
How did I handle it?

I left.

I quit my job in August and started a new job in September. I’m truly blessed to have found something I love near my home. :)
Kiarr
Oct 16 08, 12:03 pm PDT

95
Thank you for writing this. Your insight has really helped me through some tough times.
annie
Oct 24 08, 8:06 am PDT

96
What a great article… Thank you. I appreciate the advise and
information. Surrounded by negative people you tend to lose
sight of your own peace. Thank you again.
Deb
Oct 27 08, 5:55 pm PDT

97
Thank you for this article. I had come across it a week ago and searched the web for it again tonight. I have just received the ugliest, most abusive letter from a parent of one of my students that I have ever gotten in 21 years of teaching.

Just knowing that I had this column to access made my adrenaline begin to drain away. Thank you for keeping me from wasting my time grieving over this incident.

I remember a book someone wrote with the title “What you think of me is none of my business” You are right, it IS a reflection on them. I have to put myself in the shoes of the poor child who has to be around that parent all the time. It makes me feel a need to care about them even more.
Jenn
Oct 31 08, 11:00 am PDT

98
Let me clue you in on the dirty little secret of our society: these techniques work on the 96% of people who actually have a conscience, but the 4% of people who you will encounter in your lifetime are covertly aggressive (ie predatory sociopaths: for which there are no cures) and will continue playing mind games & never assume responsibility for the pain they cause knowing damn well that others will forgive them. They will never know what guilt, regret or love is and will continue exploiting others for their own benefit. If you feel trapped, get out. We all need to work towards becoming assertive, and become better observers of one another’s behavior before establishing trust in any relationship. Do something for yourself everyday to build inner strength, be it meditation, prayer, exercise, yoga, writing etc. For those who want to be enlightened, read The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout or In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Jr.
Peace out.
a spouse
Nov 03 08, 8:38 pm PST

99
what if the ‘difficult person’ is your spouse who is convinced of being a victim and is constantly reacting.

I often find myself unexpectedly in painful arguments with my spouse who trusts no one, not even me - and she says so. Even an ordinary comment on my part, a suggestion such as ‘why don’t you rest a while’ becomes proof of her thesis that I’m just trying to control her. This usually spirals out of control into long arguments which can be avoided using some of the suggestions in your article, but it also creates further distance in an already fractured marriage. I love her and know that we could have a beautiful life if only we could meet in truth. I’ve almost given up after years of patience.
Tina Su

Nov 05 08, 12:59 am PST

100
@a spouse

I recommend her to take a class call “understanding men” with Alison Armstrong: http://understandmen.com
I think it will do wonders for your communication, understanding and friendship. Without these, it’s hard to sustain a marriage or any relationship.

Alison also has a seminar for men titled “understanding women” which is pretty amazing as well.
I’ve done them myself and I can personally guarantee that the qualities of these communication seminars are top notch!

Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

Tina
Daniele
Nov 07 08, 6:01 am PST

101
So I woke up this morning and googled “How to deal with difficult people” and this was the second article that came up. Am I glad I read this.
I often have difficult situations and work within a small group of people. Ego’s are always center stage. Reading this article gives me another perspective. I always feel I try to stand in someone elses shoes before responding to a situation, so that I am conciously acting, not reacting. But prior to reading this article, for whatever reason, felt somewhat alone going through these situations, and felt like I was allowing someone to walk on me. After digesting this posting I feel like I do handle things the best way I know how, but now know I have the ability to handle negativity in a better way. Thanks for such an inspiring article and encouraging us to always take the higher road.
Caramelmoiselle

Nov 08 08, 3:37 am PST

102
Brilliant article! :)
stef
Nov 17 08, 2:24 am PST

103
woOoohh..
amazing article…
i love it…
and i’m planning to apply those tips..
i hope you will continue making such superb articles!!
=)
Jay
Nov 17 08, 1:26 pm PST

104
I need some advice on how to deal with a difficult family. My husbund’s family fights everytime we all get together, talk on the phone ect. It doesn’t even matter where we are.

His family if very difficult to talk to becasue his mom never thinks before she speaks and is always telling us “I told you so”, blames us for something, or she will take the role of the victim. She is also unreasonable, has no common sense, and thinks she is right all the time. And if she decides she is losing the arguement she will start to lie, and when you call her on it she denies what she just said.

His sister explodes at the drop of a hat. The discussion won’t even involve her and she will end up screaming, calling people names, and swearing. She will belittle you and make you feel worthless. She never apologizes for it, and she is never wrong.

His father is the most negative person I have ever met. He never has anything positive or encouraging to say to us. Like for instance, when we bought our house he told us we overpaid, we ran in a marathon he told us we should have ran faster….

I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively. I love my husbund but his families behaviour is making me not like being around them. What should I do?
Laura Robbins
Nov 18 08, 6:56 am PST

105
I’m having a hard time with a co-worker. She is extremely unprofessional in her actions and the way she speaks to me. I did nothing wrong the last time we worked together and she told everybody, as she pointed in my face, “I’m not working with her tonight!” We are nurses and require help from each other so it’s difficult not to be together at times. In order to save our backs from injury we need an extra hand. If I could do it on my own I would. I’m afraid she may go to the boss and say something rotten to him about me or simply make up lies. I need advice from other hormonal women or even men who can be more realistic.
Tina Su

Nov 18 08, 10:22 am PST

106
@Laura Robbins

Have you tried speaking to your manager about her behavior? It doesn’t sound very professional.
Tina Su

Nov 18 08, 10:29 am PST

107
@Jay

You said:

I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively.

1. We can’t change other people. And for negative people, it’s best not to give them any advice. Actually, don’t give anyone advice unless they ask for it. People will change only on their own accord.

Instead, you could try to set a good example for them, and be the kind of person you wish to see them becoming.

2. Tip #5 above “5. Stop Talking About It”. I would advice to stop talking about them completely. You seem very passionate about the topic and repeating it is not helping you.

3. Don’t spend time with them. Or spend as little time as possible.

4. Learn to Surrender. Allow people to be who they are and how they act. It’s not our problem.
Kathy

Nov 20 08, 8:14 pm PST

108
This information is very helpful. My husband can easily become one of the difficult people with mood changes by the minute. I have learned a lot and currently practice at least two-thirds of the offered information to ease the occasional mental pain. I believe that there are various parts here that can help me cope better in my daily life.
It is not so hard to have a difficult spouse if you know how to keep your cool on a daily basis. The worst thing one can offer you is sympathy or empathy. I say that because it is the spouse and the marriage was set in love. It must be crucially worked on by the minute with the difficult spouse. This information is very easy to read and understand and I think anyone can benefit from it.
Thea
Dec 11 08, 6:34 pm PST

109
Hi. I really liked this article. Accidentally, upon having a conversation just a minute ago, I began searching the net just to mollify myself. I was really appalled by someone whom I expect to be open-minded. Anyway, I got bunch of ideas from this article and I hope it would be useful soon. I know it would.
Thea
Dec 11 08, 7:07 pm PST

110
Anyway, is it because, as teens, we tend to defend or assert ourselves, people older than us feel indifferent. As if implying that we are “getting powerful”? I just don’t really understand them. I respect them as they are, but if they show those kind of attitude I really feel bad.
Paul Atkins
Jan 22 09, 7:18 am PST

111
Actually, dealing with difficult people is to deal with our emotional and feeling. No one couldn’t hurt your feeling unless you allow permission.
Sounds simple, but difficult in real world since we are human being we have feeling, thought and emotions. Practice, practice and practice the principle will create peaceful mind which is the real happinees that couldn’t buy with money but gain it by practicing and patience.
Kanya
Feb 03 09, 7:03 pm PST

112
Very good article. Will work for 90 plus situations. However, If we tend to bend, we will be taken advanrage of it and considered to be our weakness, so, it the insult repeats often in different forms, we need to take assertive step.
James
Feb 13 09, 5:24 am PST

113
I think these are excellent tips. I certainly am guilty of some of the negative energy, but who isn’t? I do think that cutting your loses, so to speak, isn’t the right way to handle a negative person. That is also in conflict with rule #1- be forgiving. This information will be appreciated in the future when trying to resolve/handle conflicts. Thanks for the advice!
Gina
Feb 18 09, 7:07 am PST

114
THIS WAS VERY POWERFUL & VERY INFORMATIVE. THANKS A LOT! wink….

Gina
kosmopolit
Feb 20 09, 3:15 pm PST

115
If you can not change people, than just “change” them.
It is that simply.
kristin
Feb 25 09, 5:20 pm PST

116
What if the difficult person you are dealing with has potential to have power over your degree? right now i am student teaching and my cooperating teacher is basically adult bullying me and i am worried i may not pass my practicum. she finds fault in everything i do. i am afraid to go to my faculty advisor because she has already taken the cooperating teachers side in the past.
Cee
Mar 05 09, 5:08 pm PST

117
Thanks! this article really help me through a difficult day at work. I love your style of writing, with such calm and clarity. Keep up the great work and positive writing that can make a difference in people’s lives.
chris
Mar 08 09, 2:02 pm PDT

118
All I can say is “Thank you!” for this article-it has opened my eyes and I feel free to let it all go with a certain person. Also, I feel armed with coping skills I just haven’t been able to find all in one place-can’t wait to read more articles!
Frustrated
Mar 12 09, 6:13 am PDT

119
I have read this before and here I am again.
I have a situation with a co-worker and it has been going on for over a year off and on.
I have done the passive, water off a ducks back, I am not going to let her negativity and passive agressive comments/actions bother me. I have also tried to stand up for myself and call her out on her negative actions. NOTHING works with her. She is very passive agressive, making comments under her breath while I walk by, actions when I am coming or leaving the office. She has no accountability and turns the converstations around after they are done and she is being spoken to regarding it.
Frustrated
Mar 12 09, 6:16 am PDT

120
Sorry about my post above…. I didn’t finish it and can’t edit it. It posted before I was through. Any advice is welcomed! It is at the point that my husband will not come in my work because he has to pass the receptionist who also makes comments to him and we have complaints from people that she is inappropriate.. but no one is doing anything. Keep in mind… we work in Mental Health and she once told someone who called and stated they were in crisis..”yeah, well everyone is in crisis”
pc
Mar 12 09, 5:04 pm PDT

121
I second kristin’s question. I am currently dealing with a supervisor that is generous with the verbal abuse, particularly in stressful situations. How can one be assertive in this circumstance, especially when the abuse is taken too far (becoming racist, sexist, rather than staying within the realm of the professional skill acquisition you are there to do)?
Johnathon Buckler
Mar 26 09, 4:23 am PDT

122
I like what you had to say it helped me to try and look at things from a little more other perspective. I have a hard time controlling my impulse of words because of the defense things. Is there any methods i could take in order to keep frustration from building and bursting with negative words, because i rather have a casual conversation without geting angry no matter what is said to me. I would like to have controll of the conversation to where no one will be mad and both parties will come out of the talk satisfied and possiable better friends.
grace
Mar 30 09, 8:27 pm PDT

123
there was so much positive energy flowing in my soul after i read this. i feel so much more at peace with the world. thank you :)
Helln
Apr 01 09, 9:21 am PDT

124
@ Tina,

Your advices are good, but I’m in a situation where I need to work with this very negative and difficult person… that is also manipulative and a bully…

I’m in this position and trying the best I can to follow several rules for 4 years now. I even got the chance to move from the office we shared to another location. She always bullies someone around her. At first, I was her boss and I guess she was too intimidated to pick me from the start, since she picked one of her colleagues, but I saw through what she was trying to do.

At some point during the 1st two years I went on a burn-out. When I came back, I decided to just join the team to help since that she was going on maternity leave. While she was away, there were no particular issues within the team. When she came back, she refused to speak to me or to work with me (I might even say that she is following the 8th rule herself on me).

I’m at the point of where I will need to sacrifice my job, which I like, because she makes it hell for me… I don’t find that fair!

Any thoughts?
Tina Su

Apr 02 09, 12:39 pm PDT

125
@Helln

Sounds like she needs to be fired if she is making the workplace environment uncomfortable for others. She probably hates her job and is expressing her dislike with the people she works with.

I would recommend that you speak candidly and openly with someone who supervises her, or is the boss’s boss. There isn’t a whole lot we can do, as co-workers than to do our best to not let other people bother us. But in the position where your work is being effected, I would first talk to your manager. That’s what managers are paid to do.

@Frustrated

Speak to her manager about this. If the manager doesn’t respond, talk to your manager’s manager.

@kristin

I feel bad to hear about your story. You have two options:

1) Speak to the teacher in charge of you, and express how something she said made you feel. Ask if there’s anything you can do so that she can ask you or speak to you in a different way. Be honest and candid, but without pointing fingers at her, so that she becomes defensive. Express how something made YOU feel.

2) Talk to the faculty advisor, but give specific and valid examples of how she may have acted inappropriately.

@pc

When abusive comments becomes racist or sexist, that is called being out of line, and not acceptable in a professional setting. I don’t know your situation, but I would speak to his/her supervisor, or even the manager above that. And if you are in a profession like Lawyers with a professional association, report the person.

No one should endure abuse.

To EVERYONE Reading This

The article above is for normal cases of dealing with difficult people from your family or at work in typical cases. I am not advertise that you should suffer or do nothing for cases of severe verbal abuse. No one should endure that. Please do something about it, either talk to the person directly (in a non-confrontational manner), or talk to your manager or their manager at work.
Kitty80
Apr 07 09, 12:08 am PDT

126
Wow, I also really needed this today. Thanks Tina!! I have over the years had my strong days and my weak days in dealing with difficult people. What I can say I have learnt is that I can also be extremely difficult, and thats what I needed to do to be able to cope with those situations. I was once told that when something bothers you about someone else, its usually because you have a unresolved issue that their action has triggered. Dealing with that in a understanding and honest way can bring the best results. This article has just centered me again because i was going off track. I do believe that everyone has good and bad days, and being female and dealing with PMS has also helped! (As funny as that may be!) Though it puts you in situations where your emotions and reactions can be volatile and unexpected and its only fair to keep in mind that everyone can be like that. I try and also look at the funny side of the situation if i can, it defuses it quick if you can get it right and turns a situation that could of made you feel miserable into something that makes you feel good.

Lisa
Mystic Madness

Apr 15 09, 11:08 pm PDT

127
very well written. yesterday i wrote a similar article on Balloon approach to remain positive. If you have time do let me know your views on it.
JasonR
Apr 21 09, 5:53 pm PDT

128
I usually just fight. When the fight is over, someone wins, someone loses, but there is always a definitive winner and loser.
Dodo
Apr 23 09, 9:36 pm PDT

129
Amazing! I have just recently under a situation where I am surrounded by difficult people. They all try to bring me down and sabotage my work. This article helps me put things back on the right perspective.
Jessi
Apr 30 09, 11:46 am PDT

130
The only comment I have about this article is the line that says “However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” This is completely untrue. When a person strikes their dog, his first instinct is to bite and defend himself. However, they rationalize, use their brain, and make decisions.

A Dogs Quote: “Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet I CHOOSE not to bite you.”

Other than that, great article.
sankar
Apr 30 09, 11:10 pm PDT

131
I really had difficult times handling negativity and difficult people. As long as i tried to ignore them, it pops me up to give it back to them and makes me like i am waiting for my turn to go after them. I was there with my friends, who they bully an odd person as he cannot react back to it. But i have seen it that everyone will get to them the same thing right back ,no matter how strong they are. so, I demonstrate ,even if u want to be so not to show your negativity, it comes out definitely,, its a inherent insecure condition a man cannot take bullying him anyone of his ideas or character ,,,whatever.
casey
May 05 09, 3:17 pm PDT

132
Very helpful article - heres something that worked for me:Think about someone you just cant imagine anyone messing with and try and work out why. Usually you find its something as simple as body language - they walk into a room very confidently - they look very self assured - and it is very difficult for the office bully / negative or difficult person to make a comment or knock them down. So they pick on someone else - you or me perhaps - with head down looking slightly apologetic for being there - much easier target ! There will always be negative difficult or aggresive people out there - you cant change that - but you can stop being chosen as an easy target - even acting more confidently gives you more confidence and eventually as less people treat you negatively you become more self assured -for real. Also try this mantra - people can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Good luck.
Rosemary
May 06 09, 10:25 am PDT

133
I’m not sure if I agree with #5 about not talking about it. I feel like it’s unhealthy to not vent or talk about it, although I also agree it’s not good to beat a dead horse. I’ve never seemed to find a solution that works for me. Most of the time, I just look for another job because negative/difficult people are always going to be a step ahead of me.
ken Yilmaz
May 06 09, 10:30 am PDT

134
Yeah thats a helpf ful article - people are bored and unhappy - thats why their negative - I cant relate to it at all so its very hard for me to deal with
Carlatta
May 06 09, 4:42 pm PDT

135
I found the part about negative people being unhappy and bored very interesting. I often wonder what goes on in the minds of people who don’t have anything better to do, than just make up false thoughts in their mind and act on them. I wonder whether they lack positive friends in their life or maybe lack a healthy social life.

This acticle made alot of my thoughts about negative people very clear to me.

Thank you…..
Amy
May 11 09, 11:23 pm PDT

136
I am facing a difficult person for 2 years! And worst still, she is my work buddy… it resulted in both of us not handling to each other work related stuffs when either one is not around. Boss are aware too.. We have requested for a change in buddy for so long, but it was refused.. boss keep saying that I need to deal with her positively.. I have been trying to ignore her bad comments, her gossip, how she try to create politics… but still.. I may be able to ignore her for awhile but not forever..she will try to find trouble for me.. can someone advise me how to deal with her? Should I stop ignoring her?
Tina Su

May 12 09, 7:03 am PDT

137
Hi Amy,

“What we resist, persists.”

The more we ignore and not accept something, the more it will bother us. The best thing to do here is to practice acceptance and compassion.

I understand that it sounds easier said than done, but I believe that the Universe presented you with this challenge so that you can grow and expand yourself through overcoming this challenge.

If you must work with this person, and there is nothing else you can do (ie. management), then practice fully accepting her, observe your reactions to her comments or actions with awareness, observe without judgement (as if you are the third person, unrelated to the situation).

People only have as much power over us, if we allow it. Stop giving the situation power.

Warmly,
Tina
Brandy

May 14 09, 5:18 am PDT

138
Thank you SOOO much for this article! I know it was written last year, but after dealing with a difficult moment this morning with two coworkers, I had to gain perspective. I posted this on my blog, giving all credit to you.

Thanks again!
www.xanga.com/babyrowanpaige
Eric
May 17 09, 5:33 pm PDT

139
Thank you, this article is insightful, concise and powerful.
Matt
May 19 09, 1:49 pm PDT

140
1. Take any logs out of your own eye before confronting the one
making you angry. These are difficult to see, pray and ask God to
reveal them to you. Thoughtfully read through the book of Proverbs
and consider where you need to change. Pray for love for this
person and reject any hateful/complaining thoughts towards them.
“Dislike” is the same as “hate,” just a milder form. Cut out hatred in
your heart at it’s root.
2. Seek advice from a friend or respected elder who is not afraid to tell
you the painful truth. Ask them to point out your faults in this
situation. Be willing to accept whatever he/she tells you.
3. Don’t complain to the person you have problems with about the
problem, but offer constructive solutions and encouragement
towards the right thing.
GottaLoveEM
May 20 09, 8:38 am PDT

141
Great article and blog. We’re all learning, even those who refuse to learn.

I think the trick is reacting with a less destructive response than “giving the negativity back”. I still react to the general philosophy that developing a strategy for difficult people is even necessary, BUT… since it is (swallow…choke!) I try to develop ways to react to the person’s issues with charm and dignity, while also communicating that their rudness isn’t going to be tollerated.

I have a coworker who is just awful. Poor communicatior, unable to see other’s perspective, or even to allow that they are entitled to one… interrupts (not interjects, over runs any person that speaks a contrary point). At first I observed and absorbed it, following the appropriate social response of just trying to get away as soon as possible with little confrontation. During the second or third meeting I specifically asked for the courtesy to finish my thoughts so we could address the business issue. When we reached no agreement I suggested we meet with management. This worked the one time - she came and apologized, then we reached an agreement… but with discomfort. A few weeks later she “stepped” on me again, and I walked away. I met with leadership and expressed my concerns, then indicated that when I was spoken to incorrectly my response was only going to be “Ouch”. Two ouches were allowed, on the third I was going to insist that a meeting be set for a moderated conversation.

Although I don’t feel GOOD about having to go to this much effort, and I DO stress over it all the time, I also expect that my methods will be respected by all in the long run. The learning and development of this other creature is not my responsibility (ARRRGH! Hard for me to grasp) but I also have a responsibility to my self and my employer to learn coping skills that do not interfere with business objectives.

Doesn’t help that if I lowered myself to her level, and matched her voice in both tone and decibels, I could slam dunk her from here to kingdom come. I don’t enjoy doing it, even though I could do it VERY well and end the issues.

At what cost to psyche, energy, relationships, networking, peace and piece of mind!

Not worth it!
Jessica
May 22 09, 8:35 am PDT

142
Great advice…I follow it religiously. I have a person in my life who is unbearably mean and negative and is constantly trying to bring me and my family down with her. I can’t avoid her because she has a child with my husband. As much as we try to disengage, to not acknowledge the negative behavior, it becomes impossible when she involves my 9 year old step son. When she can’t get the negative response from us that she is looking for, she used my stepson as a weapon. HELP! What can I do to make it stop?
Tina Su

May 22 09, 10:02 am PDT

143
Hi Jessica,

1. Stop labeling her as a mean and negative person. Stop talking about her as a person seeking negative response.

2. Accept her for who she is. Remember, only we can allow other people to affect us. What power they have over us, is the power we’ve given them to have over us. Decide that you will not give her any more power. Do not react or reject what she says or does. Accept her.

3. Sounds like she’s in her survival mode. One thing we can do to help someone out of survival mode is to give them genuine appreciation. This will trigger love in them, and bring them out of the state they are in. Try giving her compliments (honest and authentic compliments) for things she’s done well, and thanking her for things you appreciate about her.

Love and awareness is the key to overcome this.

You may also find this recent article to be helpful (Simply replace the story with your own story. The tips are applicable to your situation as well):
How to End Suffering

Warmly,
Tina
Amy F
May 22 09, 1:25 pm PDT

144
SUPER article!! Thanks so much!!
Penelope
Jun 06 09, 8:50 am PDT

145
Hi, how can you possibly think this is valid? Remove those negative people from your life? you might be married to them, they might be your brother or brother-in-law or mother-in-law or close co-worker. Give me a break. That is a platitude, grasshopper.
Martha
Jun 13 09, 9:35 pm PDT

146
Thank you so much for this! I needed it, and some of it was very original.
Chris P
Jun 16 09, 10:12 am PDT

147
I am the negative person that frustrates you. I’m trying hard not to be. You are right about a lot of things. I do act this way unconsciously, out of my own pain. I’ve been hardwired to think negatively from childhood. And my outlook affects much of my daily life. One part of me is feeling good about using these tools you’ve suggested to help myself be more positive. The other part is angry at the type of people you are…the type that focus on themselves and give not a moment to others. Maybe you shouldn’t, maybe you can’t. I’m angry at those who ignore my pain. I’m angry with myself for letting it out, even now. Its like a secret see. No one wants to be around a negative person. So, what do I do? Be alone while I try to change on my own? Seek help, right? Talk to a 3rd party counselor that isn’t really emotionally vested in me anyway. Lol…so cynical I know. Its perhaps a twisted way to get attention. Yes, I’ve considered that. Honestly, its so much a part of my personality, its hard to not be negative. From my heart of hearts, and this is the worst part, my fear is being left alone. Anyway…just thought I’d write from the other side of the spectrum.
PPEE
Jun 17 09, 11:31 pm PDT

148
Good suggestions over in dealing difficult people. Act of assertive will work on some situations. In a situation when that difficult person is someone you respect most (e.g parents or grands), it really bring your pressure up. Emotion can break down in this difficult situation couple with other hidden issue like what cause the person to flare, lots of imagination and saying things that utterly untrue…

Using assertive method will only make matter worst.
Cindy W.
Jun 20 09, 1:29 pm PDT

149
I have tried to do what is stated in the articile above, but my problem is I have no way of cutting this person out of my life. He is my little girl’s father. He says stuff just to hurt me. I don’t react positively or negatively. I just let him talk. The bad thing is my little girl see and hears what he is saying. I worried it is going to affect her. Also he only does this when his girlfriend is not around. He has to look like the good person to her. Does anyone have any suggestion for me?
Suhrob
Jun 24 09, 9:02 pm PDT

150
Thank you very much! Great article.

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