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Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?


No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

difficult-people-dealing.jpg
Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.


10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
  2. If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

 




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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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462 thoughts on Dealing with Difficult People

  1. As of today, I’m dealing with one of the toughest customers I have ever had. She doesn’t come from a place of love and appreciation–she’s coming from a place of fear and manipulation.

    But it’s funny how life works…I was just reading from ACIM which I keep by my bed, and I opened it to the page that read “Forget not that the healing of God’s son (all people)–is all the world is for.

    So from this day forward I will only send this woman love. Through my letting go, from her behaviors—her, me and everyone around us will heal.

  2. Love this list!

    All of these tips can help to deal with difficult people. I used many of them!

    Sometimes, although unfortunate when we love the person deeply, it is best to have boundaries and distance ourselves from the relationships. We have to remember that real love means doing what’s best for the other person even if they don’t feel like it’s best at the time.

    Great stuff.

  3. Anusha

    Heyy…..
    Really good views….but problem is that i meet this person everyday she’s in my class and all through d day i ve to be with her.
    And its very difficult as she tries to make fun of me all d time.
    Its been very difficult to control my tongue…..i ve controlled myself except this one tym….and now i m regretting it. Before reading ur article itself i was trying to talk to her seetly whatever she may do……but i do feel that i hate her all the tym……i ve never ever felt d same abt anyone else….what am i to do??

  4. thanks the truth

    ur response on this article really helped me to understand it better. And i strongly stand up on your point that BEING PASSIVE is wrong. Just forgiving ass hole is one of the reason they exist.

  5. Aim-high Ramlo

    Very insightful website! It was just the tool I was looking for, and needed, in order to help resolve my situation. Thank you :)

  6. Leanne

    I’m having trouble finding the balance. There are a few people who have hurt me again and again and I can’t cut them out of my life. I’ve tried to forgive them and they end up doing the same. When I stand up to these people for being jerks everyone thinks I’m over reacting and I somehow get the blame. So, for a long time I tried being really tough and kept a wall up to protect myself but that just made me seem unapproachable. Now, I’m pretty open but I’m still a little guarded, just in case. It’s a little exhausting trying to be both. Any thoughts?

  7. Leanne

    By the way, Joe, I think you’re being the bigger person. That has to count for something.

  8. amanda cook

    Thank you so much for this article. I found it VERY helpful!

  9. hussein ibraheem

    very helpfull article in life .

  10. Lori

    Thanks for this article. Very helpful to me this morning. I will save this article and refer to all the suggestions before I am around this negative person.

  11. Akbar Khan

    one of the best articles I’ve come across; thanks

  12. sarah

    this is nice and fruitful article. i can handle people but only one or two people are tough for me

  13. Minna

    I feel so stressed because my cousin from Australia and he is a big pain…sometimes he just cant shut up..

  14. this article is absolutly amazing! it’s helping me and my friend with our problems right now. great job!

  15. Diane

    I need some advice. I have a very, very difficult sister who has alienated almost everyone in her life. She is controlling, bossy, vindictive, but most of all, extremely angry. She spends all her time spewing vitriol and using people. She has attempted suicide several times and I am the only one left who will put up with her cruelty. I spend my entire life tiptoeing around her anger. Why? Because together we survived an extremely traumatic childhood, with stories that could keep even the toughest person up at night. I take her abuse because without me, she’d have no one. My father had the exact same personality and he committed suicide.

    I am at the point now where I can no longer stand her abuse. It is putting my marriage at risk, and has left me with no self-esteem. I am almost ready to cut off contact, but I can not live with the idea that when she becomes depressed again, she’ll kill herself. I will feel guilty forever. It seems I have no choice.

    Do I stand up for myself? Risk the consequences?

    Thanks for listening.

  16. Anonymous

    Hi Diane,

    i’m happy that u don’t want to leave ur sister in spite of the fact that it’s hurting u and ur married life. i believe she needs the help of a psychiatrist. don’t get me wrong here. why don’t take the help of a good doctor if she’s not willing to visit the doctor.

    of course, some of her old friends/ other family members may be ready to help if requested and pleaded.

    and try to tell her that suicide is not the solution to all problems in life.

  17. Anonymous

    Hi Diane,

    Was just watching tv. and realised that if going to the psychiatrist doesn’t work or u feel it is a bad idea…. then y dont u send ur sister to some yoga center. it really helps destress people. lot of women have found a solution for many of their problems, be it due to childhood problems or hormonal. it just works like a wonder. i’m sure it’ll help ur sister become much more calmer and thoughtful. for some days/ months may be even u can go along with her to those classes to make sure that she doesn’t feel lonely. once she starts getting destressed, she will love yoga and then u can start with meditation as well. in fact, i suggest begin with meditation, but it needs her to hook on, since it doesn’t give immediate results… so to begin with, i think yoga is extremely good. and yes, u will need to have lot of patience to convince her and cajole her till she is willing to go atleast for 3-6 months. after that, u will definitely see positive changes in her.

    hope this helps. Best of Luck. please don’t leave her alone. i’m sure u can help her. talk to her friends and ur family to support u in this effort.

  18. Tan

    Great ideas. I had a bad experience today and reading your ideas has really calmed me down! I guess at the centre of most of us is the desire to be liked (even by people we don’t know). But we can’t control what others choose to say or do to us completely and it is really their problem.

    I am going to approach the person that caused me pain and give her a complement and offer her friendship (she won’t be expecting that!) and then walk away if it is recieved negatively.

    Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks….I feel like me again!

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