How to End Suffering

By Tina Su

“While pain might be inevitable,
the suffering that comes from the pain is not.
Suffering is not a state of life, it is a state of mind.
Suffering is your response to an event.
Whether you suffer or not depends
entirely on your reaction to that situation.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Today, I will get (more) personal.

I’ve debated about whether or not to share this information in a post. It was a quiet battle between keeping my personal life somewhat private, and the intense desire to share the lessons from this important chapter of my life. In sharing, I’ve surrendered to my fear of being judged negatively by you – readers of Think Simple Now.

My husband Jeremy was married once before. During the early stages of our romantic courtship, he was simultaneously battling the lingering ends of an unsettling divorce (things got ugly and someday I hope to share the details of this tale with you – perhaps in a book). Suffice it to say, it felt like it was never going to end.

For about six months, my inner stillness was disturbed and stirred up by the negative feelings revolving around this event. My “pain body” came crawling out in full, front-and-center view, and stayed with me while causing unnecessary suffering.

Even when his divorce was finally over, I didn’t feel much better. The feelings of resentment and hate (however subtly in my subconscious) for his ex-wife remained for another three months after the fact – until two weeks ago to be exact.

This article isn’t about forgiveness or complaining about my own self-inflicted pains, but it is about personal freedom. The kind of freedom from the massive mountain of stories we’ve piled onto ourselves that result in suffering.

Are you experiencing anything that is causing you worry, heartache, resentment or stress? If so, continue to read and allow me to share the story of my new found freedom… and how I got there.

Personal Story

For the first six months, amongst the ecstasy of finding the mate to my soul, and the joy of deeply connecting with another human being, there was a part of me that felt a tremendous amount of pain.

As excited as we were for having found each other under extreme circumstances, the pending divorce hovered overhead, and a battle for money and properties continued without an apparent end in sight.

Part of me felt as if I was living under water – unable to breath – suffocating. An imaginary dark cloud hung over me, and it seemed to never leave. Even when I pretended that it didn’t exist, whenever I looked up, there it was, that dark piece of sky, high above my head.

Finally, six months later, the divorce was finalized, after Jeremy decidedly gave in, so as to quickly end the prolonged cycle of destruction and suffering.

Well, for me, the pain didn’t end there. From my perspective, here was a grown man who’d left an unfulfilling marriage, and lost nearly everything he had ever earned in his ten years as a working professional.

Here was a man who I loved and adored more than anything else. When I saw that he was being hurt, it hurt me too. The spirit of mother in me, of survival, wanted to protect and fight anyone threatening to hurt my family. I was like a walking cave-woman, minus the animal-skin skirt and wooden club.

To say that I was unwell and unbalanced is an understatement.

The Last Episode

Over the past few months, I have worked diligently at overcoming these negative emotions and associations. Through observing myself in dealing with the repercussions of this event, I have written about surrendering to pain, and ways to overcome resentment, and thought that I was over it…. until two weeks ago.

I have come to learn, that sometimes, change happen in stages. With each interval of self-initiated suffering, I’ve gained a new found understanding about myself, and am better able to get a grasp on my emotions.

Two weeks ago, being the appointed money manager for our household, I started mapping out our finances, and linking our individual accounts to financial planning software.

After several hours of generating reports, creating spreadsheets, consolidating accounts, and running numbers, I was exhausted and should have stopped working. But insisted on linking the last of Jeremy’s accounts. To my surprise, his employee stock portfolio had a balance of zero. After some clarification, I realized that he had lost the balance in the divorce settlement.

Suddenly, all those negative emotions I’d felt towards his ex came rushing back. I had allowed the cave-woman in me to take over once again, and I raged feverishly in madness – well, not literally, but emotionally and figuratively speaking.

I was upset! Justifications of why this was unfair appeared vividly in front of me. I allowed the stories of ‘reasoning’ and justifications to be repeated, and I ended up feeling worst. It was a negative downward cycle.

My months of practiced Zen-ness went flying out the window, and I had allowed my ego to over take over my bodily and emotional control. My stomach was tight, I felt unconsciously unaware, and I experienced a tremendous amount of pain. It was horrible.

Rising From the Last Episode

Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas

“The question is not how to change ugliness into beauty,
pain into pleasure, or misery into happiness.
The question is how to change the unconscious into conscious,
how to infuse awareness into ourselves and embrace reality as it is“
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Like standing in quick sand, I felt myself sinking down. I wanted to overcome this, but something was pulling me down in my inner battle with my ego. I wanted the pain to end, yet part of me silently enjoyed and nurtured the pain, and wanted it to prevail. In the most extreme of moments, I felt that I was on the edge of despair.

The pivotal point came when I realized that my own pain had started to disturb the peace and joy of those living around me. Jeremy in his own expression of courage, embraced me in the worst of my emotional states, sat me down, looked deeply into my eyes and said the following:

You are so powerful. You can use your persistence and strength to get yourself out of this state.
You’ve worked so hard to learn how to handle these situations, now is that critical time to apply what you’ve learned. Now is the opportunity to set yourself free.
There is nothing I can do now to change the past. It is what it is. Everything happens the way they happen, remember?
Babes, why are you creating this pain for yourself?

His words were like water for my thirsty soul, re-grounding me, re-entering me, reminding me to bring awareness into the situation, to take conscious control of my actions by observing my mind with detachment.

I knew he was right, but part of me wanted to say, “No thanks, you’re wrong.”

I felt an inner resistance in me, wanting to justify my unconscious actions and self-torture.

To answer his question, “Why are you creating this pain for yourself?”, I replied, “Because it feels good. It satisfies my ego’s need to attach itself to problems. But deep inside, it doesn’t feel very good. My stomach feels tight.”

Part of my mind was still latched onto the unfairness of money lost, and clung onto that story with a tight grip. And then, it happened, Jeremy said the last sentence that finally unleashed the chain I had created in my mind.

He said, “I would pay a million, a billion dollars to be with you. I think about you throughout the day, and can’t wait to get home, every day. I love our family. I love our life together. What we have here is priceless. Why aren’t we spending our precious time on being together and celebrating our love? Instead, we are digging up and reliving the past.”

These final words shattered the last of the stories conjured up in my mind. I saw, once again the reality of the situation, and it became clear that I was latched on to the past, a fictitious past beyond my control that was causing me varying levels of fruitless suffering.

So stupid, I felt. Yet, I had learned an important lesson about pain and suffering on my journey to inner enlightenment and personal growth. In the end, it wasn’t stupidity, you see… I was simply unconscious.

I spent the rest of the evening journaling, sorting out my thoughts, extracting what I had learned, viewing it from multiple perspectives and giving the story my full awareness. After a few hours of introspective contemplation, I had spread over the pages of my journal, a clear view of the situation for what it is. I can fully accept the past for what it is, and recognize the gem within it.

The evening ended with me being in a deep state of gratitude, for having experienced this these past months, and thankful for Jeremy’s ex-wife – among other things, for being the catalyst to help me learn important things about myself.

Specifically, I had thanked her for being my teacher in disguise, her presence challenged me and pushed my emotional boundaries to limits I hadn’t known before. I wish her joy, laughter and love.

My head is finally out of the water, and I can breathe again.

Another Way of Looking at Pain

“Whether physical or emotional,
Pain is always born from resistance to the present moment.
It hurts because you carry the memory of the past.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Socially, we’ve been conditioned to believe that emotional pain is bad, and that we should get rid of it at all cost. But what we often end up doing is suppressing it by pretending that it does not exist. We shuffle it under the bed, where others cannot see it, and go on pretending to the outside world that we have no pain.

My personal experience has been; that which we resist, persists. The more we suppress something, the more it will stick around, and affect our emotional wellbeing in the long run. Pretending that it does not exist does not make it go away, it just prolongs the pain for us.

Consider this: What if we treated pain as our friend, instead of our foe? What if we embraced pain, instead of continuously pushing it away? What if we viewed it as our teacher, instead of constantly avoiding it?

The biggest take away I learned is that pain can be a phenomenal teacher on our path to inner fulfillment. There is always something to be learned from every “painful” situation, always something to be discovered about ourselves. What if we just focused on the lessons, and simply move on, without wasting any energy on stabbing ourselves with suffering that solves nothing?

Another way to think about it, without extremely painful moments, we would never feel motivated to change, to better ourselves, to become the person we were destined to become, and to taste the nectar of life that is our birth right.

Think of all the major personal growth changes and shifts you’ve made in your life, were they not inspired by some painful episode that preceded it? Perhaps a painful breakup that taught you about self-love and strength, a rough period of financial instability that taught you about courage and the power of persistence, a period of painful depression that taught you about the miracles of love and possibility.

Pause for a moment, and answer these questions (on paper, please):

What painful episodes did you experience in your life that triggered profound personal change?
What did you learn or gain from this period that you are thankful for today?

Lessons Learned

Things I’ve learned (and re-learned) are:

Our thoughts create our reality. Our reality is conjured up by the stories we tell ourselves and others. What we think and talk about becomes our center of focus, and we miss seeing all the good things happening in our lives.
Constantly repeating the same thoughts causes us to believe in them, even if they were completely made up in our minds.
Suppressing the pain does not eliminate the pain.
Suffering is a choice, and happens when we cannot relinquish the past. The past is not real, it is only in the vivid imagination of our minds. Stop torturing youself, and surrender to the past. “It is what it is, and so be it.” Choose to liberate yourself, right now!
Pain can be a great teacher. Be thankful for it, and learn as much as you can.
Emotional pain is always the result of our attachment to our own perspectives. Our ego stubbornly sticks to one side of the story, and repeats this story in our head on a continuous loop – sooner or later, we start to believe it as reality. But it is not THE reality, it is just our reality, and one of many other possible “realities”. Have courage to view the other possible perspectives, and developing compassion for the other “sides” will help to bring peace and eliminate our own pain.
Ego loves pain and problems. It specifically looks for them when we are not conscious. Because those are the only things that can ensure its survival. Explode your ego, by shining the light of awareness on it. With awareness, we see that the story it has created is silly, unrealistic and unhelpful.
I had learned the influential power of the mind. When we drift away from conscious awareness, even for one day, how easy it was to be yanked away from the blissful and peaceful state we were in just a day prior. I must prioritize my day to do things that nurture my soul before anything else.
When I am feeling bad, my mind looks for more reasons to feel agitated, and I end up feeling worst.

Simple Solutions: What Can You Do?

Photo: Vadim Pacev

“If you become aware of something, you can get rid of it very easily.
If you are not aware of it, It remains with you.
The pain is a pain because it exists in your unconscious, not in your awareness.
Your fear of facing the pain allows it to exist and grow more and more.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

I’m sure that the story I’ve described in this post is an uncommon one that you will (hopefully) not encounter. However, what was learned through this can also be applicable to other kinds of emotional pain that we all face in our daily existence.

Here, I will note a few pointers that you may find helpful for tackling your own brand of pain.

1. Awareness

This is the key to overcoming any kind of emotional pain. As the beautiful quote above summarized so eloquently, have the courage to face your pain and problems square in the face. Become the observer, watch how the pain manifests in your body, fully feel the feelings of its sensations, fully experience the pain.

When you finally surrender and allow the “pain” to flow through you, you will see that you are not harmed, but that a new space is created in you for healing and learning. When you fully experience it and accept it for what it is, it will no longer have power over you.

Imagine your inner space as a physical container, if you continue to resist the “pain”, it remains in your container and will even expand itself. It will come back to haunt you until you can fully accept it. Isn’t it true that the past keeps repeating itself, until we learn the lesson and move on?

When your container is filled up, there is no space for anything else to enter, including energy for healing, for change, for growth. When you face the pain, and fully accept it for what it is, the “pain” gets released from this container, and new space is created. By doing so, you also expand your capacity for love, personal growth and compassion.

From now on, whenever you find yourself feeling the pain sensation, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes and become the witness of the experience. Watch as you inner space transforms. Don’t let this moment pass, stop the suffering before it grows out of hand.

2. Journaling

Writing down your candid, honest thoughts can be deeply therapeutic, not just as a tool for healing, but a tool for discovering and understanding yourself.

When you are upset, start by writing anything that is in your mind, even if it doesn’t make sense. Get it out of your head! Write in detail what is upsetting you.

Once you get the negative thoughts out of your head, start asking yourself critical questions and answer them candidly (on paper, without editing). Here are some to get you started:

What is triggering this pain?
Why am I feeling this pain?
What do I gain by allowing myself to suffer? What does that get me? Why do I want that?
Is the person you blame physically and purposely causing me pain? Or have I created a story and put them in the blame seat?
Do I want this pain to continue? Yes? No? Why?
Why does part of me want this pain? What does it get me?
What am I missing out on by allowing this suffering to take place?
What will I gain if I am free from this suffering?
Why am I not accepting of it? What am I afraid of? What am I holding on to?
Am I focused on the past or present? If the past, what can I change about the past by allowing myself to be upset?
Who else are you hurting by allowing this pain to linger?

You can gain a lot of insight through this exercise. Start with these questions, and write freely, allow your inner wisdom and conscious awareness to guide you through the process to gain clarity.

3. Gather the Lessons

You’ve been given a great gift through the present challenge in your life. And what we once labeled as pain is actually a priceless experience to bring up some deeply buried issues within us. Now that it’s out in the open, we can deal with it and remove it completely.

In your journal, list out all the things that you’ve learned. What did you learn about yourself? What did you gain? How did it benefit you?

4. Gratitude

Gratitude almost sounds cliché and overused these days, but it still stands as a powerful and underestimated ancient tool for fulfillment. By focusing our attention on the countless things we could be grateful for but take for granted, it opens up our heart space and allows love to enter.

In your journal, after you’ve exhausted the questions above, list out things you are grateful for that you have in your life. Focus on what you have now. Also, be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned, and things you gained as a result of this experience.

Side note: I like to do this simple meditation (inspired from Sufism) before I sleep. As I lay in bed, I focus on every part of my body, lovingly thanking it for its hard work and what it provides for me. I start with my feet and move up to the details on my head. We tend to appreciate our body when parts of it stop working, why not start now to encourage it to function healthily? Anyways, I always end up falling into deep sleep, feeling content and fulfilled with having been blessed with so much. And I wake up feeling the same sense of calming presence. Try it for yourself, tonight.

5. Accept the Past

Our future is constructed with the fabric of our present. And if our present focus is constantly colored by memories of our past, our future will only become a repetition of our past.

If we truly want our future to be different and better than our past, we must consciously choose, right now, to change our relationship with our past, and to focus on the present and the good in our lives.

If you don’t want to experience any more pain as a result of an event, stop telling people about it, stop repeating it, stop spreading it. Deal with it consciously and move on.

Change your thoughts, change your language, change your patterns; they will change your future.

6. Write a Letter

If your present “pain” psychologically involves another person, I found it extremely helpful to write a letter addressed to that person. Your goal isn’t to send the letter, but speak as if you were speaking/writing to them, for the sake of healing yourself.

In the letter, be truthful but compassionate. You may consider including some of the following points in your letter:

Forgive them
Apologize
Share with them what you’ve learned
Wish them good things
Come clean with what things you have not said to them
Thank them
Date, time stamp and sign the letter with a kind ending remark

The process of creating this letter can be a glorious experience. Do it in your journal, it is for no one else to see.

Remember, not being able to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. This is for you. Take it seriously and do it authentically.

7. Be Gentle

On our path to personal growth and emotional mastery, we will experience moments of slipping back to our old ways of thinking and doing things. And the realization of this can be incredibly frustrating. I understand and empathize.

Please, please remember to be gentle on yourself when this happens. Congratulate yourself for having had the awareness and insight to recognize it, and that it is a sign that you are making forward progress.

Don’t put yourself down either, by saying things like “I’m a slow learner”. No, if that’s the case, we are all slow learners. Why are you putting us down too? I personally slip all the time, and have to forgive myself on almost a daily basis. It’s okay, it happens.

Parting Words

Before we part, I wanted to thank you for reading this far. For those of you inspired to make some changes, to liberate yourself from the suffering in your life, I applaud you for your courage, and I am excited for the amazing transformation you’re about to witness. Remember to be gentle with yourself.

* What did you learn? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section. See you there!

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89 Responses (79 Comments, 10 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Positively Present

May 14 09, 9:28 am PDT

1
Brilliant post, as always. I really love how open and honest you are with your readers. This is often very hard for me to do over on my own blog, and I really appreciate it here. I also really appreciate the advice you’ve given about dealing with suffering. I believe that awareness is absolutely critical to understanding why you are suffering and how you can put an end to it. I also agree that we are in control of our thoughts. Our thoughts create our reality. It is truly up to us to decide how we want to view and react to a situation. Most of the time isn’t not easy to be positive and seek out the good in a bad or uncomfortable situation, but I find that when I do this, I am so, so much happier in the long run. We cannot avoid pain, but we CAN avoid suffering from it.

Thank you for this wonderful post. It is truly inspiring both because of your openness and because of your ability to guide your readers in a more positive direction in life. Loved it!
Kim

May 14 09, 9:33 am PDT

2
Thanks, needed to read this since I’ve been going through the same situation. It’s a great reminder that it’s in our power, our attitude, our forgiving that will ease the pain and set us free. Glad to have read your thought processes and yes you are right, you have it nice now!
Nathalie Lussier

May 14 09, 10:05 am PDT

3
This is so both so sad, that you had to suffer this, but at the same time you are so lucky. It’s all about perspective. Once you come through the haze, you can finally see that all of these problems and issues are really what makes us grow.

You are truly an inspiration Tina. I know that it’s hard, but you’ve ended the suffering for yourself. Way to go.
Jill
May 14 09, 10:17 am PDT

4
I thank you for your most inspiring article. I have been through divorce and as I read your note, I could feel all the feelings and they were all so real….the only difference now is that I am able to embrace all those negative feelings in a positive way and make sense of the whole emotional rollercoaster ride.

We all have choices, but at the end of the day, it is about one’s attitude and how you embrace adversity in your life. I have always said that time is the finest healer and yes it is, but one has to learn by their life lessons, so as not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

Why wound yourself in the process? If life doesn’t work for you one way, then choose another way…a better way to help you grow. Adversity teaches one to become strong, to empower oneself, to become a better human being with good values, morals and principles. It also teaches you to become balanced and centered and gives you the opportunity of trying to make sense out of every situation in a rational manner.

I have always been one who lives by what my heart says, but now I have learned that if I become still and really listen to what my inner voice is saying to me and trusting it, the choices I make will guide me to my truth and that is what I am living right now…my truth! What a wonderful place to have arrived at, even though the journey was a struggle! But, out of the struggle has come so much good and it always does….trust me!!!!!
Amanda
May 14 09, 10:20 am PDT

5
I think it’s amazing how you write things that I need to know/remember at a certain moment.

You see, I’ve been in pain recently, about the breaking up of a relationship. And still am, a little (ending it released a lot of the agony, but some feelings still remain). I came to realize also how needy I am, not only in terms of love, but also friendships…that’s only because I’ve been stuck inside a cocoon for too long. And now it’s time to get the hell out of it!

It’s funny how our ego tends to create self-pity about ourselves… when we create suffering, it starts saying to us “I’m not worth it, I’m useless, nobody loves me…”, blah-blah-blah. And when we allow our pain to come to surface, our mind gets back on track and says “No, I’m not useless. I have potential and the world is out there for me to embrace it!”.

At least that’s what I’ve learned from the past month or two (although my ego still makes me relapse once in a while, hehehe)

Thank you for sharing once again your feelings with us :)

Kisses ;***************
Notesfromthegrove

May 14 09, 10:48 am PDT

6
Wow. We have such a similar story (meeting the mate to your soul. And his ex-wife). It was good for me to read this. I, too have feelings of anger and resentment and I really wish I didn’t. Some days are better than others, but this post was definitely helpful to me. Thank you, dear friend.
Marc and Angel Hack Life

May 14 09, 10:54 am PDT

7
You’ve got to realize that stories aren’t people.

They’re just stories.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/04/20/when-our-stories-hold-us-back/

Great post as always, Tina. ;-)
Uzma
May 14 09, 12:15 pm PDT

8
Loved the post Tina. Loved the honesty and depth.
I have been trying very hard to do this. To watch my pain, to bring in awareness and to see what it is trying to tell me. It works a lot, there is a sudden realization of the truth. Its hard to let go off as it re-surfaces sometimes but then the awareness needs to be constant.
I understand that thoughts change, but how does one change the action?

Your image as cave woman made me smile :-)

Also dear girl, you were called ‘priceless’. What greater treasure, what greater joy than to know that.

Love is freedom, it is healing and growth. It is invaluable. May you keep loving your own soul and attracting greater love and light.
God bless
Uzma
sarah leighann

May 14 09, 12:37 pm PDT

9
wow. what a truly personal & moving article. thanks so much. for me, it’s very timely, as i think – nay, i know – i’m letting too much of my past keep me from my future.

thank you.
Nazim
May 14 09, 2:34 pm PDT

10
Extravagant.
Couldn’t ask for more. :)
Perhaps one day, you’ll be my Swami!
Leandra

May 14 09, 2:46 pm PDT

11
Wow, Tina! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. I’ve been operating from a new perspective for the last few months and that is neither our lives nor our stories are our own. Your story resonates with so many of us because we know the pain you’re describing.

Recently, I’ve been experiencing my own pain, in waves. For the most part, I’ve been conscious of my desire to not hold on to the pain, to understand it, and most importantly, to not personalize it. I think about the emotional and psychological impetus of the person whose actions caused my pain and realize they weren’t trying to “do” anything to me; I just got caught in the crossfire.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I’ve got some journaling to do!
John - Zen-Moments

May 14 09, 4:09 pm PDT

12
Gifts always await those who have the courage to move beyond emotional pain.

As you demonstrate Tina, it takes awareness, and awareness cannot happen if we do not accept and embrace our pain. We can’t know about thing until we accept it.

When we adopt the attitude of embracing (as opposed to indulging) our feelings, everything transforms, because an embrace is magical. Isn’t it true? It doesn’t matter whether you embrace a person, or a concept, or your pain — you just can’t help but see something further — something good because that is the intent of the embrace.

Tina, your honesty is refreshing and inspiring. We are all a work-in-progress. And thank heavens for that, because the juice of this life is to experience, to feel, and to learn. The gifts we get from that are a matter of grace; they are the only thing in this that are not in our control, but they are always a thing of beauty.

Best to you and Jeremy,

John
Bill
May 14 09, 6:24 pm PDT

13
What an awe-inspiring post. Thank you for sharing your wisdom once again.
Debra

May 15 09, 3:27 am PDT

14
I don’t know if you’ve heard of TMS or Tension Mysositis Syndrome. It’s what Dr John Sarno says is responsible for many pain conditions in the world. Basically, it’s the belief that the mind and body are connected and that suppressed emotions in the mind can cause great pain in the body: back pain, RSI, fibromyalgia etc. For three years I’ve “suffered” from fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition, and through Dr Sarno’s writings I have come to understand that this is not a physical illness. The “cure” that you talk about in this article is very similar to his teachings and yet written in a more personal, accessible way. I found it truly struck a chord with me, especially some of the quotes. I have posted a link to this article on the TMS forum in the hope it inspires people there as much as it has inspired me. Thank you.
Stephen

May 15 09, 4:42 am PDT

15
Brilliantly put.

Help out and Digg this article:

http://digg.com/health/How_to_End_Suffering
Kristi

May 15 09, 7:30 am PDT

16
Tina – thanks for sharing such a personal and beautiful story. I completely agree that whatever you resist, persists – it goes along the same lines of “whatever you fight, you strengthen” discussed in Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. While we cannot always control what goes on around us, we can control our reaction to those things and our egos too often get in the way of a compassionate response. Also, I agree that gratitude is an incredibly powerful tool that it is underestimated by a lot of people. I have found that by focusing on what I am grateful for each day, I continually have new things to add to my “thanks” list. Have a wonderful weekend! :)
J.D. Meier

May 15 09, 7:39 am PDT

17
I always enjoy your personal stories and lessons learned.

Your growth shines through.
clayton

May 15 09, 9:04 am PDT

18
WOW….

I am so glad you have decided to share this and really shed a lot of light since I am trying to overcome from heartbreak.

Although I am not 100%, I am slowly getting there and quite amazed at how many of the things you’ve listed I also have done on my own to heal and getting past the suffering.

Your insights help reinforce my beliefs of handling pain and suffering, and giving me new ideas to help me “face” and overcoming my consciousness and unconscious thoughts.

Time generally heals wounds but with issues with suffering/pain, time passes by way too slowly (almost comes to a standstill it seems like as we constantly “re-live” the emotions/memories) and in that time we need to do the things you have mentioned above to help us pass the time as well as properly healing ourselves quicker by facing the issues that haunt us. To truly be free, we need to address the issues honestly and not bury the pain under the rug pretending it’s not there.

Thanks again for sharing and really touched my heart and made my day today reminding me there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that we sometimes forget (at least I do), that we are never alone.

-Clayton
penelope johnstone
May 15 09, 9:35 am PDT

19
i wish thinksimply could actually be simple, simple to read, absorb, and assimilate into daily life, as it is, with 30 to 100 e mails daily, i SIMPLY want to DELETE long messages like this that claim simplicity in life, and consume so much time getting to the point
KEEP IT SIMPLE, EVEN THE MESSAGE OF HELP
Richele

May 15 09, 9:47 am PDT

20
A really helpful, heartfelt post, Tina. Surviving divorce carries with it so many opportunities to give in to the dark comfort of pain, resentment, simmering anger. The freedom of forgiveness so often eludes us when we’re in the thick of fighting our way to the surface. I can certainly relate to this and so many of your points resonated. Thanks again for sharing your heart and experience!
Liara Covert

May 15 09, 11:03 am PDT

21
Tina, many peple relate to the emotional roller coaster you share here. Part of my own experience is incorporated into a new book called, Self-Disclosure: Changes from Within. Life experience teaches that those individuals who initially trigger pain and suffering enter our lives as a favor to facliate growth and revelations. Readers who feel like they approach their wit’s end will appreciate my latest post, “What makes despair excellent.” Lessons are infinite. This post offers 15.
the foreigner
May 15 09, 11:17 am PDT

22
‘I forgive you.
I forgive you for whatever you may have done
from which I experienced pain.
I forgive you because I know
that what you did came from your own pain.’

— Ezra Bayda, At Home in the Muddy Water

Thank you for sharing this very personal experience Tina, and for your helpful advice!
Asianmommy

May 15 09, 6:44 pm PDT

23
Your husband’s words are so true. Being with the ones you love is the most important thing. Enjoy it!
Tanja
May 16 09, 5:12 am PDT

24
Hi Tina,
I love this post it and i can relate to it in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing something like that :) Very inspiring
Amanda

May 16 09, 8:12 pm PDT

25
Hi Tina,

Thanks for sharing this powerful and painful section of your life. I could relate on so many levels to what you said: I have been both Jeremy and yourself.

The pain of what was happening in my life nearly ended it twice. The swinging between : he’s all mine vs. he’s still with his ex… I would truly never wish this on anyone.

My solution was to add complexity to the situation by seeking out yet another person who was totally available and courting his attention, too. You can imagine how this screwed me up. How it screwed up the other two people in ‘it’ with me as well.

I paid for it. I know I’ve cut years from my life with the stress. And given myself a whole of grey hair I didn’t have before.

But I learned. And I gained love, insight and most importantly, life, when I faced the truth.

Now it is behind me. I am lucky in that, underneath the pain and confusion, my inner self knew what was right and saw me through the confusion, even when I had no idea what I was doing, nor who I really loved. I have a wonderful partner. He stuck by me (once he’d sorted himself out, too).

Thanks for sharing.
Rod
May 17 09, 9:46 am PDT

26
Hi,

thanks for the post Tina: it comes at the right time.

In my case, I’m the only target of my wooden club (another cave-man here :P).

I decided to do not let me down, to learn from what I have done (badly) and to move on in a better way. I was searching on how to do that and so your post is very useful.

So thanks thanks you! :D

Rod
Vincent

May 17 09, 10:06 am PDT

27
Hi Tina,

Thanks for sharing a part of your personal life with us. I believe this article has helped others know how to deal with emotional suffering. Staying in the past tend to robs us off our energy but staying in the present and giving thanks to what we have will help us to deal with any difficulties that we faced. Once again, thanks for your wonderful article.

Cheers,
Vincent
Roger Loh

May 17 09, 10:40 am PDT

28
Awesome post…

I’m sure a lot of people are struggling in the exact same circumstances will be inspired by your open sharing in this post.

I wonder how many of us are trapped in our circumstances and yet have no courage to break free.

Keep writing. I love your work. Beautiful.
Nazim
May 17 09, 11:54 am PDT

29
Tina

Excuse Penelope’s selfish ignorance. You shouldn’t change the format of your posts which benefit magnanimous amounts of people.

You should NOT dumb down your website so that people who are so lazy that they can’t read an in-depth article which engages the reader and changes their lives, if even a little bit.

Nazim
sevki
May 18 09, 6:58 am PDT

30
Thank you for the article that will help loads people who will able to see the reality in their life and what kind of world they are living in :)
Thanks ,
Big Smile
Sevki,
The A-Hole Guru

May 18 09, 1:49 pm PDT

31
Sounds like your dude has an ironclad spiritual center, the way he turned you away from hating his ex, when no doubt he should be the one who’s the most perturbed.

You’re sure he’s not banging her on the side, right? Heehee…

AHG
Celes | EmbraceLiving.Net

May 21 09, 8:19 am PDT

32
Tina, thanks so much for being so open and sharing so much with us. It’s amazing how gracious you are by sharing your full self on this blog and the readers, including me, appreciate that. Every bit of pain we experience is always a compass for our growth. If we are experiencing something that’s not neutrality or positivity, it reflects something inside of us that can grow further.
Recipes for Creativity

May 21 09, 8:53 am PDT

33
That was quite a post! Thanks so much for sharing. As a life coach I’ve been trained to always search for people’s painful thoughts, since those are the things that make us unhappy, not the actual circumstances. In this case the circumstance really sucked, but the thoughts about the situation, anything from how it wasn’t fair to why it shouldn’t be happening and everything in between, caused the bad feelings. Of course, I can teach this to others but need to be reminded it of myself daily.

I’m really glad you opened up and did tell a more personal story, and I think your tips and takeaway thoughts are wonderful. And I’m also glad you’re feeling better and thankful for what you’ve learned and what you have in your life. Very inspirational!
Lindsay
May 21 09, 9:12 am PDT

34
“The only behavior you can control is your own.”

This phrase has helped me through the toughest times. It helps me to free myself from feeling responsible for the actions of others and for the things that I worry/stress about, yet will not ever control.

Thank you for sharing your story.
Vi | Maximizing Utility

May 21 09, 1:12 pm PDT

35
Thanks for being so open and honest here. It’s hard to find an honest, true personal story in a lot of these blogs.

It also sounds like you have married a truly wonderful man. His words were so supportive and kind. I wish you two many more years of wedded bliss.
Ansuz

May 21 09, 4:41 pm PDT

36
Lately I’ve been asking myself constantly how to end the suffering I’m going through. One solution that sounded good to me was to completely stop caring about other people by ceasing to make relationships, and by dropping every relationship I already had. Luckily, a few friends helped ease me out of that thought over the course of a few days. I still face the suffering, however.

This post was very eye-opening for me. I’ve been trying to block out and bury my past for so long that sometimes I honestly can’t remember what exactly made me think whatever upsetting thought I currently harbor. It will be a struggle to uncover so many small incidents that have dug in so deep, but thanks to you, I’ll be looking.

Thank you for sharing your own experience so candidly, that was courageous.
I’ll be taking your advice from now on in my journey to end my own suffering.
Kaushik

May 21 09, 5:55 pm PDT

37
You’ve done a great job of presenting a personal and deep experience.

Your story is unique of course, but it also seems to be a common experience of awakening, that we feel we are “advanced” in awareness, and then suddenly life, the greatest teacher, throws us a humbling experience.

Many of things you suggest resonate. I would add that there is nothing complicated about awakening. Simply be aware, and find a release technique which works for you. The rest, acceptance/awareness/the nature of reality/time/the illusion of past/the illusion of fear and sadness–all of this is understood naturally.

Pain is part of being human; suffering is entirely optional.

Thanks for sharing.
Patricia

May 21 09, 8:37 pm PDT

38
I personally find it amazing the number of times I think I have forgiven or released the pain only to find I have suppressed it. Your sharing of the story reminds me about the layering of healing and how important are listeners, summarizers, and gratitude.

Thank you for putting out this good message.
Anthony

May 21 09, 9:10 pm PDT

39
“Our thoughts create our reality”

- Well said. And in many cases, problems arise simply because of erroneous belief.
Keith

May 22 09, 7:01 am PDT

40
Tina,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I believe that makes what you’re trying to teach here more relatable. It is so cool how you came to see that our thoughts create our reality, literally! It has been said that it isn’t so much what happens to us in life but rather how we perceive what happens to us.

Once again, great article and thanks for sharing of yourself.
Jorge

May 22 09, 8:52 am PDT

41
Thanks for sharing this Tina. It is wonderful to see that everyone has tough problems and that though we could nurture zen habits, there will always be emotions that make us go wild.

The trick is recovering from the shock.
Melanie
May 22 09, 5:23 pm PDT

42
Hello Tina,

I love your articles, it’s so magical how the subjects you write about always seem to be so close to me, exactly what I’m going through in my life, every time!!!! Your great.

I have to be honest and humble in admiting that at 31 years old, I made a very important discovery about myself. I realized that, all my life, whenever I used to go through a negative and destructive emotion, I would blame myself, think it’s my fault for living this (I’m just a negative person). I would be so scared of not being able to live through it and of it coming back. I felt like I was the only one to go through this, something was wrong with me, I was confident enough (when I was young, adults would tell me that if you have confidence in yourself, you do not fear anything) or peaceful enough and I simply was not able to deal with this. I DID NOT ACCEPT IT, THAT’S ALL!

I’ve just now realized, after reading a few books and doing some soul searching, that everybody lives these emotions and it has nothing to do with me. I try to see myself as a spunge and just let the emotion pass through me without me judging myself or the experience I’m living. It just passes through so easily that way. And after, when I’m back to a more calmer state, I take the time and see what triggered that emotion so I can learn from that experience. I do beleive that we are here to live experiences and different emotions and to be able to live the good, we have to go through the bad too. Now I let fear pass through my body and simply wait till it’s gone, I focus on the present moment, I make peace with myself so that I can retreive beautiful and safe inner garden inside.
What a releaving discovery finding out I’m not a bad person because I go through negative emotions, fear, anger, jealousy, etc. I’m not as scared of my inner world now and interesting enough, love as taken a bigger place in my heart now. Thank you for making me grow!!!
Chris Sharp
May 24 09, 7:44 am PDT

43
Tina,
May our months of practiced Zen-ness always go flying out the window! I mean, that the level of our awareness changes moment to moment, so even our Zen-ness of the past has been outgrown and needs to fly away so that we can experience another level of living.

It’s a wonderful gift life is that it constantly presents new experiences that challenge us (sometimes off the charts) to insert new choices, and take greater responsibility for our own lives.
I like your posts how they always offer courses of action and exercises(tools) to use now, in addition to the powerful personal experiences you have had.
Thanks for your willingness to be vulnerable and honest, and your courage to show up to help so many people help to better their lives.
Vicki
May 25 09, 8:33 am PDT

44
Thanks for so vividly detailing something so personal. That ‘it happened the way it happened’ is so powerful – on an intellectual level I find it easy to accept ‘the moving finger having writ’ but the inability to ‘lure it back to cancel half a line’ – that’s where I needed this advice.

I’m in a town I don’t want to stay in, and I’ve been feeling like a cat that doesn’t want to be in a carrier, flailing and angry – neither of which brings me any closer to constructive alternatives or a peaceful acceptance. Working on ‘it happened the way it happened’, letting go, and moving forward – not there yet, but getting there.
Annally

May 25 09, 1:49 pm PDT

45
This is the first time I’ve thought about pain and suffering being different things. I’ve come up with this analogy — pain is like a fever. The general feeling is to get rid of a fever quickly, but fevers help up destroy toxins in the body. So, I’m going to try to be more present with my pain and let it do its job. Thank you for this.
M. Wanzer

May 27 09, 7:39 pm PDT

46
This was a great post. There are definitely a lot of things that I have gone through in the past that I let drag down my present and even affect my future. After reading this, it really did make me sit down and reflect on some of the things that have happened and how I have allowed them to alter moves I make within my life. I am and have always been a firm believer that no matter how bad an event affects you, something good does come out of it…a lesson.
Shelly
May 29 09, 5:42 am PDT

47
Thanks for posting this!

My husband’s first wife was “difficult”. OK, that’s actually quite charitable–she’s a real-live narcissist, and they thrive on “difficult”–that is how they get their attention. While it might not make sense to someone else to need attention so badly that you’ll even settle for being hated, this is her unfortunate, crippled world.

A few years ago, I would not have been able to feel sorry for her, as I do now. It is very hard to have those kinds of feelings for someone as they are depleting you bank accounts and using children as weapons–purposely damaging others, for no real reason. My husband had been divorced for several years before he and I even met–it would seem that his moving on sparked some new rage in her, and we most certainly did suffer as a result.

I wanted so much to be able to stop her, and with the sheer hatred she generated in me, the only “stop her” method I could think of was pushing her in front of a bus. Of course, I never did that, and honestly, even if I had, it would not have curing me of those strong feelings–only time could.

Now, the children have grown and moved out of our home, and she has no means by which to strike a blow against us (her favorites, as you can imagine, were visitation time and my husband’s financial obligations to his children–while she may have been within her “rights”, she was far out of the bounds of decency, and made up numerous stories of our “wrong-doing” in order to generate sympathy and be viewed as a victim). The gift that she gave me, that I am now able to apply to all areas of my life, is the new mantra of “this is temporary” or, “this too will pass”. Even when things are very difficult, just knowing that they won’t be that way forever has freed my soul. In fact, I have a friend who is going through a difficult time right now, and I was happy to be able to say to her, with absolute confidence, “This won’t last forever–there will be a resolution, and you’ll come out better on the other side”. I KNOW it to be true.
Arati
Jun 04 09, 1:46 pm PDT

48
Hi Tina,
The flexed nerves of my precious brain thank you for relieving them at least for a while.
i was going through some what similar phase …but with more complexities.
U atleast had your beau by your side, i felt trapped in bunch of neanderthals including my husband after i got married , 2 years ago.
A sudden emotional assaults have left me shattered.
But i have been lucky to be strong and in love with myself.
I just need one piece of advice from…how should you deal with people who keep inflicting pain on you.
Its ok,,,ignore and all but then what is self respect?
what should be the limit to tolerate bad (people, attitude) .
Tina Su

Jun 04 09, 2:47 pm PDT

49
Hi Arati,

To address your question:

Question 1: how should you deal with people who keep inflicting pain on you?

Answer 1:
When you bring awareness into a situation, you will see that no one has any power over you, unless you give them that power, unless you give them the permission.

In life, some (physical) pain is inevitable, but the suffering is optional. This may sound harsh, and isn’t the answer you were looking for, but it is the truth.

Choose freedom, freedom from suffering, freedom from the power the person has over you. Stop giving them that power. Stop allowing what other people do or think have such influential power over you.

Question 2: Its ok to ignore and all but then what is self respect?

Answer 2:
What you are describing is not self respect. Ignoring is suppressing, resisting to fully face the pain. “What we resist, persists.”

Suffering of any kind of pain will not go away by us ignoring it, no, it actually becomes worst. To completely overcome an emotion, we need to fully embrace it, and practice surrendering. Note that this is not the same as ignoring.

Self Respect is being responsible to yourself, your wellness and your happiness. And responsibility is the “ability to control your responses.”
Self respect is doing what is best for yourself, and choosing to not allow yourself to suffer unnecessarily.

Warmly,
Tina

P.S. Please check out the two books I listed under “External Resources”. I highly, highly recommend them to you or anyone experiencing pain, and wanting to fully understand it, along with overcoming it. All the resources we need to overcoming anything is out there, we just have to see it, and take the necessary actions.
Scott Dinsmore

Jun 10 09, 3:57 pm PDT

50
Thank you Tina. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the continued teaching. I can’t wait to meet Swamiji in person one of these days.

It’s so hard to know which of the above mentioned techniques has proven most valuable. If I had to take one, it would be journaling. Ever since I read How To Think Like Davinci and started journaling, I have learned so much more about myself. Jounaling is so all-encompassing. It captures your fears, your gratitude, your limiting beliefs, your happiness, everything. It brings it all together and allows you to get it all out in front of you–exactly where it needs to be to get any real handle on what you’re dealing with.

Powerful message Tina and congrats on your happiness!

-Scott
Auto Insurance Phi

Jun 24 09, 3:56 pm PDT

51
It’s always hard to get over something so serious. But don’t let it. Pretty soon, after a few years of being happily married, you will let the past be the past. Don’t do anything you’d regret so that the karma won’t come back to you. Stopping the karma means you’re one of the most powerful forces.
Ama
Aug 18 09, 12:43 am PDT

52
Hello,

I was directed to this site by a friend of mine, and I am so thankful for your words. You are right, all of this need a very tough control and awareness on a daily basis. But I already experienced some changes, and your post reminds me to keep on doing so.

Be gentle. Take your time. Because the point of power is always in the present moment. I had forgotten about letting go of the past and suffering. Thanks for reminding me. Thank you deeply for sharing this with all of us. For my sake and all people who will visit here : you won’t ever be the same. Just try it! It is never too late.

I will try my best to spread the message at my own scale.

Again, thank you, dearly.

Ama
Alex Mackay
Sep 25 09, 5:55 am PDT

53
This was a very inspiring and enlightening read. It made me reflect on my own divorce and events that have transpired since. Awareness is the key to the problem, and suffering is optional.
Naty
Nov 25 09, 10:20 pm PDT

54
Wow… Tina, you have no idea how mach this helping me to find myself in those difficult days in my life . I’m new here on Think Simple Now and just want to say Thank you a lot !!!
Edinburgher
Dec 07 09, 2:46 pm PDT

55
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you … for writing this!
Henri
Dec 15 09, 2:28 am PDT

56
You did well !
Those quotes by Paramahamsa Nithyananda, really worth a few minutes of meditation.
smita
Dec 25 09, 9:49 am PDT

57
Thanks Tina,
It was a wonderful article. I read it when I am going thru a tough rather transition period of my life. Heart breaks, emotional trauma, financial crises etc.. I always felt that Life is not fair to me when it comes to love and happiness.

Now I have realises that I the one who is actually stopping happiness from entering into my life..and now I am ready to do the chages to bring happiness

Thanks for showing me a path
riverrainbow
Jan 25 10, 12:43 am PDT

58
Tina,

You may find that your story is not really an uncommon one, when more people read this and tell about their own. Today is my first time visiting here. I found echos in the posts I’ve read including this one.

I myself have been in and overcome emotional pain through multiple life events, which include dealing with the ugly fights between my parents since I as a little girl, witnessing the divorce battle between my husband and his ex, and now in the starting process of a divorce myself (which is tougher pain than the previous types of events, I tell you). Through my life I’ve grown, learned, constantly seek self-growth and ways to maintain emotional balance, yet still right now I am struggling to deal with pain brought by the current “storm”, even though I am self-sufficient (I have been the bread earner), don’t care about giving more than my fair share of the money.

I am glad you posted this article. It now serves as one more source for me to keep some peace inside while trying to deal with the situation the best way I could. I read and liked Eckhart’s “The Power of Now” as well, but I haven’t used what’s in it well enough.

Also realize that through pain, through tough times, having some friend(s) who understands, listens, and supports, help a lot. Opening up and telling your stories will open up the channel for this kind of healing and strengthening.
Ex-Smoker
Feb 10 10, 6:15 am PDT

59
just the tonic I needed. I could feel the anger and suffering melt away as I read your words. I’m trying to get in the habit of reading your words when I feel like this. It helps.

Interesting side note, your words about ending suffering reminded me of how I quit smoking cold turkey after 15 years. I was one of those people who tried everything and quit, only to restart after a week or two. I wasn’t able to give up smoking until I gave in to the pain of my addiction. My previous attempts had been plagued by the lies I told myself that I didn’t like smoking and that I was a health conscious person so I shouldn’t smoke (had any of that been true, I would have never started). That lasted only a few weeks before my inner self was screaming, “NO! I love smoking!” and tearing into a new pack. And then one day it just donned on me. Start there. Start with the acceptance that I’m addicted and I love smoking, not just like but LOVE smoking…but that it was causing me a great deal of harm. It stopped the inner struggle and endless cycle that I kept losing dead in it’s tracks.

I haven’t smoked in about six years (wow, that blows my mind), but I still feel the urge now and again. And if anyone asks, I still tell them, I LOVE it and that walking away from something I love was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

It was and still is a hard lesson, but a good one and one I can draw on now as I struggle with pain. Your post reminded me that I need to start with the fact that I want something but that it is causing me harm, and let go of the obsessive stories that try to rationalize why I deserve what I want or why I deserve to be mistreated for wanting it.
Norman
Mar 21 10, 7:03 am PDT

60
Thank you for writing this. I learned so much from reading this one article. I am truly grateful for all the material on this site. It helps me understand and learn about myself when I read through them.
Ann

Apr 13 10, 7:01 am PDT

61
Your words have helped me tremendously. I am working through 2 years of grief/pain. Your gentle words did more for me than any counseling I have received. Thanks you.
Permanent Unconditional Freedom From Suffering

May 01 10, 8:54 am PDT

62
I found your site as I was searching on Google today to see who is ranking high with the keyword “free yourself”. I saw this post on ‘How to End Suffering’ as a suggested link after I read what you shared on a post about feeling lonely, and I wondered what your take on ENDING Suffering was.

I am always curious whether I will find someone to teach me that. I am interested in ending suffering. To me, the word ENDING means that the thing (suffering in this case) will NEVER be experienced again EVER, i.e. it’s gone for good, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

The shift into complete permanent absence of suffering would of course have to happen at some point in time. If I time is an illusion, then of course that point would have to be the NOW. But even if we accept the existence of time, in particular some future time, I am still interested in how to make a particular moment in the future THE MOMENT after which I will never ever know suffering again–NO MATTER WHAT, i.e. I want permanent UNCONDITIONAL freedom from suffering from that moment on. And I want to have a say in what that particular will be, say June 30th, 2010 noon.

Have you found a way to accomplish that? And I mean a SIMPLE way that doesn’t require doing all the myriads of things that you describe in your blog posts (which are definitely good suggestions, most of which I have applied myself over the past 33 years of my quest for liberation, but I am tired of all this “boring” laborious work to do to become conscious and to change the stories).

As much as there is a lot to learn from all these experiences that the universe presents to us (or that we unconsciously create for ourselves), I’d like to think that there should be a way to put a FULL STOP to this madness of allowing such experiences to come back over and over (be it in different shapes) in the name of Learning and Growing.

I would love to get your thoughts on this possibility of permanent UNCONDITIONAL freedom from suffering.

Thanks, and I applaud you for being so open and exposing your dark secrets; it takes a lot of courage to do that and shows that you have reached a high level of freedom.

Dr Claude Windenberger
J Bryant
Sep 21 10, 8:09 pm PDT

63
Great read!
Elizabeth
Feb 21 11, 9:59 am PDT

64
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom. You have inspired me and motivated me to stop holding myself back. God bless you.
Anthony

Mar 17 11, 1:25 pm PDT

65
This post had a lot of heart in it. I appreciate every word Tina, thanks for sharing :)
Akin-Odanye Elizabeth
Apr 25 11, 4:48 am PDT

66
Hi Tina,
I work with cancer patients and see people suffer. Fortune smiled on me when I stumbled on your post while trying to gather materials on helping cancer patients find meaning in suffering. I couldn’t stop reading till I came to this point. Thank you for sharing your experience and making my work easier. I hope the patients will benefit from what I have learnt here.
Cheryl
May 09 11, 8:32 pm PDT

67
I found this article really helpful. Whilst I haven’t been through exactly the same situation as you guys, I could definitely relate to the feelings.

I find myself getting amazingly stressed at work and when I read this I realised that I was subconsciously holding onto the ball of pain in my stomach, and that to some degree I wanted that feeling to carry on – probably to somehow show my employer that I am working hard!

I am going to try and work on the basis that it doesn’t matter what happened yesterday or even this morning, the slate is wiped clean as of now.

Thanks so much again for this website, I find such comfort in the words here.

xx
laara
May 10 11, 7:29 pm PDT

68
I love all your posts but this was particularly inspiring to me. Thank you!!!
Angela Wong
Nov 21 11, 9:09 pm PDT

69
You are so wise! I’m re-reading your story over & over again and I’m learning something new every time. I’m sure I’ll have new perspectives on things when I re-read this 2 weeks from now. Thanks for being so honest & sharing something so personal. Your honesty to your readers is much beneficent as it is enlightening! – Much Love {n_n}
Amy
Dec 04 11, 12:08 am PDT

70
Thank you for this amazing article, what a transformation. I have also undergone my own enlightment on the forgiveness issue.Today, i never take sides and try to have compassion for both as i dont know the entire story. The truth is always in the middle.

In your case it is amazing that you learnt to forgive the your husbands ex wife, healing,compassion and forgiveness is really is the ultimate point of enlightment.
Diane Rozumalski

Dec 05 11, 4:53 am PDT

71
Tina…I just woke up this morning and read your post which I found while surfing the net…wow…this was like a multi-vitamin for my soul.In February,it will be 4 years since I’ve seen my 2 grandsons…long story of generational issues passed down (of which I am writing a book that I’m hoping to have published someday).I hurt daily over this and it it tearing me apart so I will be re-reading this often.
DODO777

Dec 12 11, 3:09 pm PDT

72
WOW just reading about the pain and releasing it it felt like I was going down a slide fast and you get that feeling your stomache turning I also feel light headed very strange feelings like I have taken a pill and can now feel the effects mad really mad.I some times beg for a diazapam or valium off a friend this relaxes me and stops me from feeling so anxious that is what i am feeling with out taking one and I am talking 10mg so quite strong.I will do the thinking of my feet and work up.I have started taking mitrazapam for depression and to help my appitite and help me sleep I have been on them for months now and they are addictive but I feel I dont need them.I will let you know how i feel in the coming months.I feel differant already.The tensness in my head has gone already.WOW.I am not making this up I really do feel how can I explain.?????Less tense in my kneck and head.Also clear headed.I have been meditating as well.
Luke
Jan 11 12, 10:10 pm PDT

73
Thank you :)
Christine
Mar 12 12, 9:30 pm PDT

74
I have read this article several times over the past little while. I keep it as a reference to help when I slip into that bad place of pain and suffering. It truly helps me to re focus. I have realized that the past has no power over the present moment. The past only lives in our minds. Its taking time but I am learning to let go of a past situation and allowing myself to accept it with only love and laughter definitely helps. LOL Thank You
Joy
Mar 20 12, 4:53 pm PDT

75
I have read this post before and it has helped me. I’m in need of it again. I guess it goes to show once you overcome something once doesn’t mean it’s vanquished forever. It’s an on-going process. Thank-you Tina.
Archie
Apr 23 12, 4:48 pm PDT

76
Thanks Tina!

Sharing your personal stories reminds of us of how human we all are. I am personally dealing with negative emotions that are layered under years of hurt from family problems and I hope to face them all with positivity. God bless, wishing you many joys in life and peace.
kenzo
May 25 12, 5:45 am PDT

77
‘I forgive you.
I forgive you for whatever you may have done
from which I experienced pain.
I forgive you because I know
that what you did came from your own pain.’

This is so very true, I thought of this so deeply knowing all the pain I was introduced to…was injected from another persons
pain…how can we not forgive them? how they must have
suffered- with an undying pain…(Jesus Christ said….forgive
them, for they know not what they do! Forgiveness is the
answer to so much sadness…hugs!
Sunset Limited
Jun 09 12, 8:41 am PDT

78
What if the past that is haunting you is no different than any current memory and by letting go of the past you have to stop believing you exist? Because if the past isn’t real, then your timeline isn’t real, and your life isn’t real. You want it all to stop, you want to stop existing, but you don’t know how.

Past memories, protect you from suffering if you are on a timeline. Touching a hot stove burns you and teaches you not to do it again.

You say not to tell others about your pain, but suffering in silence hurts for real. everything you experience is real and reality. There is nothing that is silly about suffering. Just because someone has figured out a way to view things from a different persepective to where something seems silly and childish, its still real to the perceiver who hasn’t learned to do that. If you view yourself as real, and then experience the enforcement of will from what appears to be an external sentient being, you can become traumatized and suffer. Perception is the only reality in existence to the perceiver.

Changing yourself is like choosing to become a masochist when being bullied.

When will is enforced upon and ego, the ego becomes unbalanced and attempts to enforce will back. If they cannot rebalance themselves due to lack of power “bully is too big, they lack the knowledge to see past pain fear, etc” then this ego will attempt to rebalance themselves by enforcing will elsewhere. This creates a disease from one “sentient being/individual perceiver” to the next until the group consciousness is one of suffering in hell. This happens for the reason that individual egos want to either enforce will to make a puppet show reality of hierarchy/hell/pyramid or make agreements and relate to each other symbiotically.heaven/sphere

This desire/hope to have unity through diversity with iatrogenic happiness, also allows will enforcers to create suffering through hypocrisy to fool sybiotes into enslaving themselves to suffer now, for a future that they will never get. The point being that the will enforcer views relief from suffering as pleasure and thus seeks to have others suffer the consequences for them (they are not responsible for their actions so that they can eat the cake and give others the fat to work off so to speak) This makes everything worse and worse for the individual and slowly turns the dream of finding unity through diversity into a nightmare of disparity through monotony. Making one reject a single consciousness due to anger at having to experience seperate sentience in the first place.

Here again, the memory problem, since if individual sentience happened once, it can happen again, so the individual ego holds on to the suffering in the hope not to end the suffering that will repeat the cycle of individual consciouness, but so that it can end it forever so that it never has to experience being an ego again.

It views the heirarchy not as a latter, but a triangle inside a circle that acts as a ramp that is infecting its balance by sucking down individual parts of a circle piece by piece into hell. The triangle is inside its reality and it is a disease that makes sliding to hell feel like being on the outside of the circle and climbling back up the pyramid feel like suffering in hell. Worse, their are other individuals who want to slide and have no prolblem sliding down and then attaching themselves to those climbing out making them do all the work.

The fallen ego does not want to new perspective on the pyramid, it simply wants perspective to end. Hope and trust have been offered and accepted over and over and it always turned out to be a will enforcers trickery to trick the ego into carrying them up the pyramid, only to be kicked back down.

The Ego can’t climb up and keep morality intact, because the fundamental shape of the pyramid is a balanced moment of imbalance that through hypocrisy gives the appearance of a sphere, causing the symbiotes to work and perpetuate their anti system that empowers the will enforcers to enslave them.

Dear god, this post went on longer than I expected. I don’t even know if it makes sense. This started because you were saying not to tell people about your trauma. Personally, I feel a strong need to have my trauma recognized and believed as being real and not silly. I have a need to believe that this is real, and the people care. I have a need to believe that I am not alone. I have a need to face it and heal and not to forget it and heal over it. I have a need to face my abusers. I have a need to face my reality.

My needs and desires make me suffer. Are you saying that my attempts to fill these needs will never end because they are part of the same iatrogenic illness that is creating my reality?

Please Help if you can.

S. Limited.
Clau
Jun 01 13, 8:41 am PDT

79
Buen día, yo no me había dado cuenta de todo esto que se expone, mi vida había sido miserable, presa del sufrimiento, obsesionada y triste, pero ahora se que tal vez los acontecimientos han venido para enseñarme a ser una mejor persona… Gracias por la luz que me has brindado, hoy veo las cosas diferentes. Este es el comienzo de una nueva Clau; “lo que ha de ser será” decía Facundo Cabral, y estoy convencida de que tenía razón.

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