It is important to learn how to be alone. It goes with accepting yourself. Way too often, people try to change to feel like they fit in around them. The best way to be happy is to find people who love you for yourself.

Once you become a parent, solitude is hard to come by. Even going to the restroom alone becomes a treat. The quiet time becomes so special. I look forward to my quiet times.

Practising solitude -although it seems a bit odd at first- really helped me in understanding myself. Once you just sit down and shut up for a while without any distractions (people, computers, phones, tv, books, music… candles or even incense) you can hear your mind chattering, it’s busier than twitter on election day in there.

I started practising solitude two years ago, and now every evening I just sit down, counting my breaths and ignoring my chattering mind. (You might recognize it as zazen). Over the months and years, it has gotten quieter in there and it’s actually a delight to just sit there and be calm and relaxed.

What’s the use? Try following 1000 people on twitter and still making sense of it all. Now apply a filter, or stop following 1000 people and just follow 10. Things get much clearer, those precious few get more attention and you notice everything they do. The same goes for the mind and body. You’ll become much more aware of what is going on “up there” and “in here” (Which are actually the same place…)

ps. Yes it hurts sitting absolutely still for 25 minutes, but that’s what endorphins are for. You’ll be eager to get back on that pillow every night within a week I promise you!

Reminds me of a quote or passage I read somewhere years ago, “Misery derives from ones inability to set in a quiet room alone.” For years I was miserable simply because I could not stand to be alone with myself. A head filled with self-loathing, guilt, fear, etc. Yet on the outside I appeared to have it all together and even half believed that myself.

When my wife was 20 her mother was killed. We were discussing that not long ago and she said, “after my mother died, nothing in life was ever going to be as good as it could be. Don’t get me wrong, life is great, but when something awesome happens in your life your mother is the first person you want to share it with.” I found that interesting. And although solitude for me now is most rewarding, it’s not as good as it could be sharing a special moment with someone I love. Although by being able to enjoy moments of solitude and relish in self-love and acceptance, I’m better able to accept and give love unconditionally.

True happiness is not contingent on others or forces outside of myself (expectations). And the inability to find inner-peace and happiness in solitude is mostly a result of attaching our happiness to external things. For me “improving my inner world first” was required before I could ever truly enjoy solitude. I had to get rid of all the trash that I couldn’t sit with while alone. I forced myself into solitude as sort of a punishment I guess, and thus was lonely.

It all really revolves around developing self-love. As I didn’t love myself, neither was I worthy of love from others. Thus I mostly treated loneliness with isolation; not solitude.