How to Overcome Resentment

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds
on the heel that has crushed it.“
~ Mark Twain

Can you recall the last time you held a grudge against someone? Perhaps it was a friend who betrayed you, a stranger who wronged you, a lover who left, or a parent who unintentionally hurt you. Perhaps this has happened recently and feelings of regret, resentment, and injustice are fresh enough that it still stings. What can we do to overcome these feelings and painful memories?

I recently received an abrasive and angry email from someone falsely accusing me of something on a personal level. I was shocked and hurt. The “Cave Woman” in me jumped out and my initial instinct was to write something hurtful back to her, in an act of self defense. My second instinct was to give her a list of reasons why she was wrong, in an attempt to refute her false accusations, thus defending my ego.

In the end, my rational self knew that engaging with her would only trigger more negativity, so I didn’t. I woke up the next morning with defensive thoughts running through my head, like a dark cloud, hovering over me. Thoughts of retaliation had been dancing around in my mind in what seemed to be a never-ending cycle.

I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling. Even though, I knew rationally and intuitively that I was getting nowhere by feeling upset, annoyed, and wronged, it felt impossible to control these thoughts and to not be bothered by them. I knew I had to release this energy to set myself free. The key to mental freedom was within me and nowhere else.

What can one do to overcome these negative thought patterns? What can we do to relinquish ourselves from feelings conjured up by other people’s actions? This article takes a detailed look at how we can free ourselves from negative feelings of resentment and anger resulting from personal episodes of injustice.

Observing Resentment

When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from extinction. Here is a series of thoughts I observed myself experiencing while confronted with such a scenario:

Ego Shock – feelings of shock, followed by increased heart rate. I could sense that my ego was hurt.
Animal Instincts - when my ego is hurt, my inner caveman quickly jumps out in attack mode. Even if I logically know that it is unnecessary to be in attack mode, caveman will still be there and I will experience feelings of animal instinct. In caveman days, if we didn’t retaliate against others who hurt us, we would eventually be killed. So, this instinct serves as a survival mechanism and is a natural response to an attack. I believe that understanding this is vitally important to accepting our own reactive tendencies and to finally controlling these instincts.
Defense – In an attempt to defend my ego, for having been wrongfully accused, my inner caveman strategized a battle plan of defense and attack. This included a list of harmful things I could say to the attacker.
Infused Anger - The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I fell into feelings of resentment, and even feelings of despair.
“Cave Man Survives in a Tribe” – As tribal animals, our inner caveman cares about what others think of us, since if others didn’t like us, we might be kicked out of the tribe. And for a caveman, life outside of a tribe means instant hardship and death. And so, when we learn that others think badly of us, we become unbalanced, unwell and very bothered.
Defending Our Ego is Like Fighting Other Cave Men – When a caveman fights with another caveman in our modern age (ie. Now), nobody wins. We fight out of an instinct to survive, and to protect our ego-driven pride. In the end, nobody wins, since we no longer live in the stone-age and killing each other is no longer necessary.

Technique for Overcoming Resentment

I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.

As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone, the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other person.

Understanding gives us insight into what the other person is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.

Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.

Okay, let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:

1. Clarity

In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.

Exercise: Express Your Emotions -Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many people find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.
Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention – This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each person or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.
“You are In Control” – Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible person that you are – using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.

2. Understanding

Now that we’ve put our inner caveman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other person to act in this particular way.

In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.

What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our wellbeing and happiness in the future.

It’s Not Personal – When people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.
The Painful “Enemy” – Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deap seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that people, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.
Freedom of Expression. – Accept that it is okay for them to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other people’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.

3. Forgiveness

“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison
and expecting the other person to die.“
~ Unknown

Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only person we are harming is ourselves.

The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other people’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.

Forgive Yourself – Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.
Forgive Others – After the exercise of breathing and gratitude (see Finding Peace via Focused Attention above), continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the people who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain. You can also repeat the mantra from A Course in Miracles:
- “Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.“

Can you recall an incident triggered by another person that left you with resentment? If so, put yourself in their position and see if you can understand how their primal instincts may have triggered their initial attack. How can you forgive this person? Share your thoughts in the comment section. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Book: The Power of Now
Book: Guaranteed Solutions
Audio CD: The Soul of Healing Guided Meditations
Book: Creative Visualization

109 Responses (103 Comments, 6 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Evelyn Lim

Oct 01 08, 5:03 pm PST

1
The first part to emotional mastery is awareness. You said “I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling.” There is awareness that you (1) recognize you are angry (2) do not like the fact that you are angry.

When I am in this state of awareness, I always find the need to retreat to my “cave”. In my “cave”, I will seek solace and do some self examination. If I do not get the chance to go into my “cave” (due to a variety of reasons), I tend to react easily to anything unexpected and then, making things worse for myself.
Sid Savara

Oct 01 08, 5:06 pm PST

2
Recently, a friend posted this wonderful quote on his blog, that I think is the actual quote (that you posted in this article):

“I always pray for the people who have hurt and harmed me, and just when I think I’ve forgiven them, I forgive them again. Because always that energy will rear its head, and I have to make sure that I’m constantly keeping myself clean. Otherwise, I’m holding onto that shadow of anger, and the inability to forgive, they say, is a poison you take hoping someone else will die.” -Seane Corn

My favorite part is the last line, so I’ll repeat it: “forgive, they say, is a poison you take hoping someone else will die.”
Nathalie Lussier

Oct 01 08, 5:09 pm PST

3
This is such a tough subject. I love the quote about drinking poison, I’ve read it before and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Why do we resent others when it hurts us so much? Like you said, it is just a human caveman reaction. But still, learning to overcome this reaction is well worth the effort. Your post gives us a great starting point!
Devan

Oct 01 08, 5:15 pm PST

4
An important line here that needs to be highlighted and repeated: “Only YOU can make you feel the way you feel”. Once you realise that other people cannot affect the way you feel, and it is only your perceptions, then you are well on the road to clarity and forgiveness.
Maya

Oct 01 08, 5:21 pm PST

5
I loved this article because I have just dealt with what I felt was the greatest betrayal in my life. It was long drawn and painful. And it was in the family.

I just wanted to say that your process is great to overcome resentment inside of me, since that is what I did. In addition to that, I had to let me ego down and apologize in order to erase the resentment in the other party …so that we could continue to be family. That has been really hard …and now I am dealing with the resentment regarding how far I had to go to save a relationship …..

I have also seen that physically distancing ourselves from the person who has caused us resentment makes clarity and understanding a lot easier.

Great article!
Karl Staib - Work Happy Now

Oct 01 08, 5:42 pm PST

6
Work is a tough place for me. I notice so many problems, but I and many of my co-workers aren’t heard when we try to voice our displeasure. I get angry and frustrated. I feel like quitting, but I know this won’t help me. It would just satisfy my ego. The quick fix to a problem.

Every job has it’s problems. Matter of fact, almost every job sucked. It’s why I started my blog. I needed a way to process my thoughts and feelings.

Another well thought out piece. Thanks for the great tips.
Will is GALVANIZD

Oct 01 08, 5:55 pm PST

7
It’s interesting that you use the term “cave man instincts” to describe the feeling of resentment. You definitely hit the nail on the head.

What book influenced you most for this article?

Keep up the great writing Tina!

- Will :)
Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Oct 01 08, 5:58 pm PST

8
Nicely done, Tina. I love that you quoted ACIM. The main thrust of ACIM is to show that true forgiveness is our only choice. Letting it all go is natural and the way to go. Thanks!
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul

Oct 01 08, 6:34 pm PST

9
This is great stuff, Tina. I also find it helpful to remember the last time I may have caused resentment in someone else … it allows me to awaken compassion for whoever may have hurt my own feelings. After all, we’ve all been hurt and have also hurt others, none of us is perfect.

I also like to send blessings to whomever I find myself resenting – it opens the heart and blesses me, also.

Blessings,
Andrea
Shamelle -TheEnhanceLife

Oct 01 08, 7:04 pm PST

10
Hi,
All of us feel angry at times, but people ‘do’ angry in different
ways. Sometimes anger is directed very precisely at us, or at
what we’ve said or done. At other times it seems as though it
has nothing to do with us, and we’re receiving the full force of
what might have been meant for someone else.

You have provided some great techniques. Now, when faced with such a situation, I need to use these :-0)

Shamelle
Raymond Chua

Oct 01 08, 7:09 pm PST

11
I love the quotes at the forgiveness section the most and I often share it with my students (they resent a lot).

Thanks for the great article. I learned a lot of things from it. :)
Simple Sapien

Oct 01 08, 7:14 pm PST

12
Your writing is amazing. I am definitely uber jello of it :) You know how to word things perfectly. I love the way you refer to your inner caveman emotions and reactions. That is so true. It is so easy to get caught up with anger and resentment. Thank you for you tips and an amazing post!

- Jack Rugile
Simple Sapien
Daniel Richard

Oct 01 08, 9:04 pm PST

13
I could do other stuffs to distract myself, but… there will still be resentment. Liked the quote where you mentioned about not forgiving is like drinking poison. It’s like drowning yourself in sorrows and other junk while expecting the other person to feel the same.

One thing I normally do is to share it with a close friend – which helps make myself feel so much better even without having any solutions.

Thanks for sharing this post. It’s very detailed and surely will be a good article to reflect upon when such days happen. :)

Daniel
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Oct 01 08, 9:45 pm PST

14
A different approach.

When you see you have resentment ask yourself what it is.

Long story short you will find that it is a bunch of thoughts and emotions. Are these thoughts/emotions you? Are you ‘resentment’?

I would say you are not resentment. Consequently these thoughts/emotions have no place laying around you so whenever they appear tell them to disintegrate and then move on.

Don’t let anything climb on your shoulders :)
Tycoon Dreamer | Tycoon Dreams

Oct 01 08, 11:40 pm PST

15
Tina,

By holding back your anger, you rise above the person who wronged you. Just ignore those negative people.

Here’s another thought I always remind myself of: It takes so much energy to hate someone. There are enough people in our lives to love and cherish, we don’t have room for hatred.
Alexander Reif | Big Blogger

Oct 02 08, 12:10 am PST

16
Tina,
you’ve made a very lucid analysis and made a great brackdown of the process.

I want to add a lesson I’ve learned recently from Steve Pavlina’s fresh published book. If there is something that sets you up about another person, then it means that inconsciously you hate that part of yourself.

Try this exercise.
Pick a random person and make a list of his qualities (an unordered list). Then mark the qualities you like with a “+” and those you dislike with a “-”.
Now look at this list as somebody else would have written this about YOU. It may take some deep insight and courage to admit it, but you’ll be surprised that this is a fair representation of what you like and dislike most about YOURSELF.

ciao
alexander
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Oct 02 08, 12:15 am PST

17
Hate begets Hate
Anger begets Anger

If you want to attract happiness and love, you’ve got to send out the right energy… and overcoming resentment is a good first step =)
Tabs

Oct 02 08, 12:30 am PST

18
You ended it perfectly, forgiveness is essential. Having almost lost a dear friend for something so stupid in hindsight, I would suggest not taking more than a week to overcome the resentment because it will eat you alive and it is simply not worth it.

Thanks for sharing,

Tabs
Peter James

Oct 02 08, 6:20 am PST

19
Every thought is a powerful entity unto itself, even if you never tell anyone else about it. Each thought cause you to act in a certain way and that is how it affects your life. If those thoughts are filled with hate, then your life will be as well. It is amazing the enlightenment a change in perspective can provide.

Great post.
kimberly
Oct 02 08, 7:07 am PST

20
Wow! This was one of the best things I have read yet. I hate those feelings of rage and hate and “wanting to get even.” Sometimes one gets so defensive they feel like everyone is against them, when in fact they are not.
Brooke
Oct 02 08, 7:24 am PST

21
I’ve been feeling this all too much recently. I know it’s a vicious circle but it’s hard to over come the feeling that some people just shouldn’t be forgiven even though I realize it only harms myself.

Thanks for the insight, as always, Tina
Maria | Never the Same River Twice

Oct 02 08, 7:34 am PST

22
Tina, this is a great approach for people who like to solve problems cerebrally. Unfortunately, I’ve found that these types of processes don’t work very well for me (I’m a right-brained thinker!). What I have found helpful is a tool called tapping or EFT. It seems completely goofy, but it really does seem to work and it is very quick once you get the hang of it.
Beth

Oct 02 08, 8:21 am PST

23
A situation with my ex-business partner has left me feeling lots of resentment and also anger. I do believe that it was her lack of self-control in regards to finances that lead to her actions that caused the business and friendship to break-up. Her inner caveman was just trying to keep the family happy and filled with the material items they believe they need to survive. To date, I felt that TIME would help heel the pain and financial suffering she has caused me and my family. And, the resentment and anger has subsided. Clearly, your most important point to the post is the step I need to take, and that it to forgive her for acting the way she did. It’s time for me to focus on this and breathe deep!
Lauren
Oct 02 08, 8:25 am PST

24
You are a gifted person. I enjoy reading and learning from your thoughts and experiences.

Thank you.
Lauren
Rabbit
Oct 02 08, 8:40 am PST

25
A very good article. My problem is that I forgive someone and they do it again and then I forgive them again and they they hurt me again. So what do I do? This can happen over and over. I have to create some kind of defense so I hold on to some of the resentment. Kind of like keeping some of the poison to develop immunity. I don’t like doing this.
So how do you get all of the poison out while keeping your defense up? In your example you forgave the lady (which is great) but what happens if she sends that email to all of your mutual friends? Will you keep forgiving her or you will you say “look that’s not true”?
Like you said in your article you can’t control people’s actions, and I know that even if I truly forgive someone they will keep doing what they are doing and I will get hurt again.
lauren

Oct 02 08, 10:23 am PST

26
Grudge? Anger? Not me.
When the lady in the parking lot hit my car, told me she’d pay to fix it, and them reconsidered when she saw both estimates, i was angry.

Now i feel better, because i told her what i think:

http://www.annettemanthey.com
Gil
Oct 02 08, 10:37 am PST

27
Two words: Voo Doo. :)
jr
Oct 02 08, 10:38 am PST

28
This is all fine and good. However -

what if the person who pissed you off does not know that they did? And they keep doing it – to you, to others. Sometimes, true, bad folks know they behave that way, don’t care, and keep doing it. But what if they don’t?

If you don’t tell anyone, ever, that they hurt you, then nobody would ever know their behavior might have been out of line. Which it is entirely possible it isn’t – everybody screws up sometimes.

I’m just saying….
Ronald Lewis

Oct 02 08, 10:49 am PST

29
Thanks for sharing this, Tina.

As I recently explained to someone from my past, “We will always remember the hurt and pain we’ve endured in life. We can live on, but we’ll never forget.”

Everyone, at some point in their lives, have experienced resentment toward another person. We all have a unique way of dealing with it and it requires a constant self-check of your emotions and thoughts to get over it.

It takes time to deal with anger, hurt, abuse, etc. There isn’t an overnight solution.
brendan
Oct 02 08, 11:00 am PST

30
don’t know if someone else mentioned this, but the proper phrase is “deap seated,” not “deep seeded.” although when spoken they sound almost identical, the former is the correct spelling. just figured i’d throw it out there. oh, and i really enjoyed the read. thanks!
Silas
Oct 02 08, 11:21 am PST

31
Great post, been following you for a little while and love the articles that you write. You are an inspiration, and i love that you are so open with your experiences.

Forgiveness is such a big thing, it is so important for us to be able to live in harmony with one another – but even more so with ourselves. We can always hide from others, but we can never hide from ourselves.

Keep up the great content. ^_^
Dave

Oct 02 08, 11:23 am PST

32
This is a fantastic guide to a very important process. Harboring resentment does nothing for us- it only holds us back from our own dreams and aspirations. Thanks for the guidance and practical techniques!

PS- Dugg! :)
Mark
Oct 02 08, 11:28 am PST

33
My 9 month old resentment of an affair that led to the end of my marriage is still so fresh that I can’t even finish this article (I freeze when I get to “Forgiveness”)… the affair was the least of my anger. While the affair was going on I was verbally assaulted on a daily basis, kicked out of my house, and led to think I was crazy. I lost 26 lbs (and I wasn’t fat at all) in 20 days and I literally thought I was going to die (probably due to the lack of sleep). Finding out about the affair was almost a relief. Even though things are looking up, I have friends who care about me and I am seeing someone who is wonderful, I still can’t shake the feelings of anger and resentment. It takes deep breathes and a mantra of “take the high road” everyday to stop myself from sending out very damaging emails to her family and friends.

Is it possible that only time will heal some wounds? I don’t want to be mad, and I have always been an optimist, but sometimes I feel like lashing out (in a non-violent email kinda way) would make me feel so much better.

Thanks for the article, I’ll take it slow, piece by piece…
glych
Oct 02 08, 12:49 pm PST

34
I got a scathing e-mail JUST today from a client in just the matter you’ve described. It was a good thing I checked Digg before e-mailing them back. This was exactly what I needed to hear and know before I moved forward. Thank you for posting!
Adam
Oct 02 08, 12:51 pm PST

35
I agree completely and it’s a difficult lesson of maturity to deal with things in this way. The one part I’m not so sure about is spending too much effort on understanding and forgiveness unless that person is close to you. The majority of these situations have no solution, it’s you or the other person looking for a fight and many people seem to expend a lot of effort on dragging everyone down into recriminations. Ddo something else to take your mind off it, getting on with other tasks, this helps make it clearer that any further conflict isn’t of your making, which if it’s a continual problem makes resolving it in the group easier.
leona

Oct 02 08, 12:52 pm PST

36
Hi Tina

Thank you for a great article. I believe resentment is a growing underlying current in our modern, fast-paced world. I, too, have been writing about it my blog: http://www.transformative-living.blogspot.com

We see its expression in road rage, fixed opinions that cannot here complexity or ambiguity, passive aggressive forgetfulness, unfinished business, or consistent mistakes. Inner resentment (directed at ourselves) can manifest as harmful habits, negative self-talk, not enjoying the present moment, and lifestyle compromises which mute passion and joy.

The trouble comes when resentment blocks our natural compassion . When resentment begins to overwhelm compassion, it forms a self-linking chain that makes you look for things to resent, as protection from disappointment. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, stonewalling, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abuse in on-going relationships as well as intolerance with certain behaviours of people in situational relationships and ultimately to stereotyping and grand generalisations.

Here are the signs that resentment is building to danger levels.

• Judgmental about the other’s perspective without curiosity to learn more about it
• Irritated by how the other feels
• Intolerant of differences – you should see things the same way
• Making less important things more important than the most important things

The cure is to understand that resentment covers a deeper hurt (need/value that is unmet or even unrecognised), even when the things you resent seem petty.

Part of the cure is embracing what is actually happening. Embracing our resentments.

Our thoughts and feelings are cueing us that this situation is not in alignment with our values, or where we are telling ourselves that our needs are not being met.

Cure resentment by increasing your:
• Connections to your Core values – get back in touch with the most important things to and about you, which will not include resentment and anger at people you love
* Compassion for yourself (through the process of self-empathy)- recognize that when you are resentful or angry you are hurt or overwhelmed; focus on healing and improving rather than punishment
• Compassion for the other person – recognize that when he or she is resentful or angry, he or she is hurt or overwhelmed; try to help through guessing their feelings and needs (not advising, pitying, smpathising, analysing)
• Respectful negotiation – you have equal value and equal rights and honest expression through connecting with our vision of met needs/values
• Recognize the effects of emotional pollution.

Leona
Jim Jones
Oct 02 08, 1:14 pm PST

37
Just get over it dude, thats the only way to go.

http://www.privacy-center.ru.tc
Lola
Oct 02 08, 1:20 pm PST

38
This was very helpful, thank you. My issue is not so much getting over an attack, it’s trying to understand a long-distance partner’s absence of communication. I mostly know what is going on but it’s hard not to be resentful. This has helped a lot, so thank you.
:::::::::::: wife mom maniac ::::::::::::

Oct 02 08, 1:34 pm PST

39
I’m not sure forgiveness is a necessary part. I recently got an email from “friends” who were being really harsh on my kid, as if she were some menace to society or something (she’s 5!). My first reactions were all that you describe, however with an additional primative emotion, mother bear protectiveness. It helps me to realize how ridiculous and neurotic they are being, and to do my best not to stoop to that level of unconsciousness. But I don’t intend to forgive them, and there is much controversy in psychology about whether or not it does someone who’s been wronged any good to forgive, though moving on is always the way to personal peace and well being, forgiveness just isn’t always a part of that.
psychic readings

Oct 02 08, 2:25 pm PST

40
Thanks for the interesting post on this.
ThaiMed

Oct 02 08, 9:50 pm PST

41
Great article, life is not always as easy as this, but hey, we have to try right?!
Orchid64

Oct 02 08, 10:57 pm PST

42
This nonsense about “inner caveman” and “instincts” needs to stop. Humans don’t have instincts. They have drives (sex, food, etc.) and reflexes (e.g., breath-holding in water). Instincts are complex behaviors (e.g., nest-building among birds).

Also, while we obviously do care about what others think of us, this is something which is conditioned by our interactions with society, not something we are born with. This is evidenced by the fact that not everyone cares about what others think of them and the varying levels with which we care. Since the writer of this article is female, her perspective is that everyone worries about what others think because she does. Most women care a lot more about what others think than men because of the way they are socialized. If you live in other cultures, you can see this first-hand.

The point of this article is good, but the language undermines and trivializes it. We’re not fighting our “caveman” impulses and saying so makes it appear that we are not in control or are fighting something that we were born with. We are fighting our own egos and insecurities.
J.D. Meier

Oct 02 08, 11:25 pm PST

43
I love emotional intelligence in action.

It’s a sign of mastery of that little gap between stimulus and response. Crucial Conversations calls this mastering your stories. It’s a key to skilled living.
Angela
Oct 03 08, 12:19 am PST

44
Oh, wow. This is a timely article. I spent most of this past weekend grinding my teeth down over an unnecessary blow-up with my sister-in-law, who is also my business partner, and it’s a situation that seems to keep repeating itself no matter how hard I try to keep myself “under the radar.” Most of the time, I rant and gripe for a while, then swallow it down, and go on. This time was the last straw for me. I wanted to just cut her out of my life.

One of my biggest problems is that no one’s ever honest with her about her behavior. Everyone’s scared to say anything…myself included. I never say anything. I keep thinking it’s best to let it blow over and try to let time and smiles and good will smooth it over.

This time I went back and forth over whether or not I should just write her my own “scathing email” letting her know exactly how I feel.

And I did. I just didn’t send it. Why? Because I know it’s not going to make a difference in her behavior. It’s only going to make it worse, start an ego-defensive war…and in so doing, make me more upset and sad. I’m five months’ pregnant, and these things just don’t seem so darn important anymore.

Instead, I wrote a letter forgiving her. I didn’t send that one either. I didn’t need to. I just needed to write it. And I accept that things are the way they are between us. I know in my heart that I’ve always had the best intentions with her. Hopefully, one day she’ll realize that. And in the meantime, the best thing I can do for myself is just to forgive her and enjoy my life.

The quote about not forgiving being a poison is on point. It really is. I can’t count how many times I’ve run myself in circles in anger, causing elevated blood pressure, frown lines, and lingering bad moods and grudges. And in the end, it never really did any good. What does good is setting it aside and focusing on the good things in life. And there are sooo many good things in life.

So, thank you, Tina, for reminding me of what’s important. I’m no longer worried about letting her know what she did or whether or not I’m letting her “get away” with something. Instead, I feel content in the actions I did take. I’m happy. :)
Rosabel

Oct 03 08, 5:43 am PST

45
I recently have been feeling very angry towards someone really close to me. The anger was just unbearable. I learned to let go my anger by writing it down or tell the person how I feel. It works for me most of the time. Now I’m asking myself if I still want this person to repeatedly hurt me or should I start draw a line within us. The latter – keeping a distance will be my choice.
Jason
Oct 03 08, 12:14 pm PST

46
Hi,

Great article,

I dont think the last point on forgiveness was very convincing. I believe that unless a person experiences true forgiveness in his own life, he falls short of the full potential to forgive his enemy.

This cave man instinct is described perfectly by the text ”for all have fallen short of the glory of God”. Bottom line: we are all sinners, not because the bible says so but because our very nature is fallen( Eg: who thought you to lie?- it came naturally but yet you know its wrong)

Yes there is a another way, Unless we die to old selves and be spiritually born again just like the Lord Jesus said it in the gospel, we will remain in sin and keep fighting our ‘caveman’.

Caveman!! finding it difficult to fight your caveman on your own??!! i don’t blame you?! You can choose and make this decision to seek help, peace and clarity but to maximize your potential one needs an external help. God knew this from the beginning that’s why Jesus after he ascended into heaven told his disciples to wait for the Holy Spirit which will descend from heaven, flesh gives birth to flesh and spirit gives birth to spirit, When we ask for this free gift through Jesus Christ which is the Holy Spirit of God , God himself breathes new life into us and He gives us His Holy Spirit and the strength needed to die to ourselves and be born again not by the womb of a mother but by the spirit of the Living God.

A seed must die to produce life. I believe that both Clarity, Understanding and forgiveness need to be backed with the empowering of the Holy Spirit of God which is a free gift to all those who believe in the risen Lord and savior Jesus Christ. Then will the caveman become smaller while the true self become bigger slowly overpowering the caveman within. Meaning, Purpose follow as a result of the true self becoming larger than sinful self.

Because God forgave me I can forgive my enemy. Jesus lead by example ” Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”
I challenge you to just understand the situations Jesus went through and you think your in a fix, a valuable lesson on forgiveness is learnt.

Hey you can get your own Bible if your interested. ciao
leona

Oct 03 08, 5:49 pm PST

47
Hi Tina and everyone

I hear that most people get the value in “forgiving” and there is some fear around getting hurt again raising the issue of personal boundaries.

I sense, for me, that there are a number of steps here that need teasing out; one set is our own inner work and the other is how we live in the world interpersonally.

1. There is difference between an apology and saying ‘sorry”. A meaningful apology leaves excuses behind and comes from a willingness to take complete responsibility for one’s actions AND is based on a resolve not to cause pain again.

2. We can connect with our needs or values that are not met by the other person’s actions and sense into how we feel when they are met. We can express this honestly through a clear statement stating what we noticed (as an observation as objectively as possible) + feelings + needs. We can then make a request as what we would enjoy being different. Or, if this is a “situational encounter” you might like to try and connect/empathise with their needs ~ trying to remember that the pain we are experiencing is caused by our own unmet needs (for consideration, cooperation, safety, honesty etc etc).

3. We can sense into what needs are met by being in relationship with this person and whether this is still “actually” the case. If we want to stay in the relationship we may need conflict coaching or relationship coaching to transform some of the patterns that are no longer working. I have experienced that this coaching is powerfully transformative even if the other party doesn’t come to the table. It is possible to use a proxy and really hear into and through the issues.

4. We can also explore the value of forgiveness in our lives. We can recollect the frailty of humanity, the advantages of forgiveness for our health, as part of our spiritual practice. Now this doesn’t mean we condone the act or deny the pain we have experienced. It means we explore the experience and learn to understand it in terms of our own values. The act of forgiveness born out of self-awareness is a self-empowering act – another reason to “consciously forgive.”

I have to admit that I find “forgiveness” hard work. I have to let go of my desire for revenge and my belief in fairness. It is all inner work and when I have done it I feel so centred and strong and true to myself. When I am stuck in the pain and thinking I feel off-centre and angry and so forgiveness works for me just for the simple reason that I feel better.
B. Wilde

Oct 03 08, 9:30 pm PST

48
Tina – You draw quite a crowd with your writing talents. There are a lot of great posts here. You always have so much to offer. I believe that through writing we let others see some of the deepest parts of our soul. You are truly a magnificent person based on what I have read.

I too wrote a post on this just last week. It’s called, “An Invitation to an Unbirthday Party.” Some of my discoveries center around how easy children forgive, yet as we get older it becomes much more complicated. Children have so much to teach us. My own childhood has taught we much as I look back now through my adult eyes. It’s amazing how much more hardened and breakable we become as we age.

Thanks for the nudge. I have a lot to learn.
Peter Lepacus

Oct 05 08, 1:40 pm PST

49
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die …” – Malachy McCourt
Sid Savara

Oct 05 08, 6:31 pm PST

50
@Peter – interesting. Looks like there are a few different people that have had similar sentiments, I wonder where the quote originated =). In any case, it’s one I like a lot.
Andrea

Oct 06 08, 4:59 am PST

51
Hey Tina, this is a fantastic post. Bad feelings tend to consume us and ruin us much more than the person who hurt us in the first place.

Keep on writing.
Ryan
Oct 06 08, 5:09 pm PST

52
What a bunch of bunk. This feel good mentality is exactly why the human race is going down the drain. We are weak and lack leadership. Everyone worried about “feelings”, give me a break, a little more “caveman” in this world would not be a bad thing.
Janie
Oct 06 08, 5:57 pm PST

53
Your article came at the perfect time. Unfortunately, I am the one hoping that the other will forgive me for what I did. Nevertheless, your writing gave me a better understanding of how he and I are both feeling. Thank you.
Liara Covert

Oct 06 08, 8:08 pm PST

54
Learning how not to permit negative feelings to control me is itself a learning experience. I tell myself that when a person evokes anything other than love within me, then this is an invitation to get to the reason behind my discomfort. Pure honesty is truly most illuminating!
milesperhour

Oct 07 08, 9:17 am PST

55
My advice has always been simple: consider the source. This thought alone helps me de-escalate. As a counselor and a recovering addict/alcoholic I try to combat dificult emotions when they arise by replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones. Self examination is always a plus for me as well.
astrorainfall

Oct 08 08, 2:18 am PST

56
Great post. I’m having a hard time letting go of some resentment towards an old friend and your article brought some clarity to me.
Marc and Angel Hack Life

Oct 08 08, 10:22 am PST

57
This one hit home. Thanks Tina! ;-)
Sara at On Simplicity

Oct 10 08, 5:44 pm PST

58
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes really does work wonders. In cases where I feel attacked, I can usually see that the other person in the equation isn’t intending that at all. It’s easier to let it go and even find something useful from their comments at that point. Of course, it doesn’t sound this was the case in your situation, the forgiveness that you mention is probably the best solution.
bryce maddock

Oct 12 08, 6:13 am PST

59
you have a very informative article. Thanks for posting this. keep up the good work.
Rosa Osegueda
Oct 12 08, 7:45 pm PST

60
This articule touch my hearth.Eventhough is hard to forgive
in the moment.
i know when the time past and have some distant of the environment that happen the incident.
And you have a time to see your self and the other person view withouth the emotion because you heall your pain.
Provably you can understand in some point why this person react like that.But still hard. I can not racionalise this…..
bryce maddock

Oct 12 08, 10:10 pm PST

61
Nice article. very informative. thanks for sharing.
brad
Oct 14 08, 4:11 pm PST

62
You talk about the email received. First of all, I agree on the perspective. Don’t you think you still need to write back in a positive manner to address the situation, instead of with anger and resentment? Or do you completely not respond at all?

***************************************

REPLY:

Depending on the situation and your previous relationship with the person. In my case, I did not respond. I felt that it was the best action for my circumstance.
Belle

Oct 15 08, 12:26 am PST

63
I am so impressed with the way you explained primitive reactions in details, and how you exposed the obvious reasons why people react to negative situations, and the consequences involved. I leant a lot from it. At the moment, i am being treated with cold shoulders by my Aunt whom i love very much, i’ve tried to understand why but i failed. Fortunately, i read the article above, and it sure explained so much. Thanks a billion!!!!
candy

Oct 16 08, 10:38 am PST

64
very useful blog, thank you for sharing…. also came across a similar article I’d like to share: http://carrieanddanielle.com/say-goodbye-to-resentment-ask-for-thanks/

has a great clip from dr. laura trice, at a conference… on giving thanks and abolishing resentment.
Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Oct 17 08, 10:15 am PST

65
You know, Tina, I always love how you take topics and turn them into very simple, easy to follow steps. I was thinking of using the above to direct some clients to, and I wanted to revisit what you had written. Again, nicely done. Just wanted to let you know that again. :-)
Chris Snyder
Oct 19 08, 1:35 pm PST

66
About resentment…I have noticed that with every “resentment” situation I had some part to play. It may be a very, very, very small part but I played a part. So, how can I have a resentment if I was involved?? I always pray for the other person involved, and even if I am having a hard time praying for them it seems to work. I eventually always find peace…
Dennis

Oct 22 08, 6:32 pm PST

67
Tinaaaa! Where are you, we miss your articles!
Stephen Clark

Oct 24 08, 3:34 am PST

68
Very insightful article Tina, and one of the most important things we face in life, to see beyond the surface of human behaviour, control our emotions, and most importantly to forgive, the most difficult of all !

You alluded to the necessity of ‘grace’ to achieve this or proceed with that process and that is my perspective, its is only by the grace of God that forgiveness and healing can really take place so that a true and lasting peace can reign in the human soul, it is a gift from God.

Without that the best we can achieve is a grudging toleration of others and their ways. Similarly (often) we need to look at ourselves also when faced with some attack on our person, have we contributed in some way to the others sorrow..did we provoke it in some way.. an honest look at our own failings and faults too !

Ultimately our need to forgive and to be forgiven is a wonderful insight into our ‘fallen nature’ an imperfection of character not seen in the rest of creation, a flaw that makes us unique, and points to our need for a saviour, something out-side of ourselves entirely, who can repair all that we have damaged and all our hurts & pains…oh and everyone elses too ! Thanks be to God for sending His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ , to save us and make all things new. Prayer is needed, to obtain grace to forgive, to produce healing, to give peace in the heart.

Cheerio & God Bless
Ron Towns
Oct 24 08, 9:18 am PST

69
Resentment can be one of the toughest things to “get over” for humans. This is particularly so because of the amount of negativity circulating on the media airwaves, and even within everyday conversation and small talk.

Try listening in and make note of how many negative allusions are made in each conversation you have with somebody in one day. Even count your own. You will be astounded by the results.

The key to overcome resentment is to put your brain in a place where no external factors are influencing you to think one way or another – in a state of meditation. Meditation rejunventates your brain, and orients your mind, body, and spirit, with the positive goodness of life.

If you are skeptical about mediation, you can look up the thousands of studies that have been conducted over the past 10 years that scientifically prove that meditation is good for the health of your mind. Top entrepreneurs around the world meditate sometimes, many times per day, as well as use visualization tools like vision boards.

The best easy to read resource I’ve found about what all this means is from John Assaraf’s book, “The Compete Vision Board Kit.” Download a free chapter and check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/56mfen
Kim
Oct 24 08, 11:31 am PST

70
This was really helpful. For me, the hardest part of letting go of resentments is realizing that I am benefiting myself, not justifying the other person. My ego looks at letting go as failing, as letting the other person have power over me…when in reality it’s just the opposite.
aw

Oct 26 08, 3:57 am PST

71
Resentment is rather annoying to me when I lost my first love. It wasted me a lot of time and looking back upon those days, I think it’s rather useless to hate a person. Instead, we should treat ourselves much better, that’s the right way.
erp
Oct 26 08, 7:04 pm PST

72
There’s much good common sense and wisdom in some of the words posted here – wise counsel is always helpful, and I’m sure everyone can relate to resentment and forgiveness experiences (though I find the ‘caveman’ and ‘instinct’ metaphors really counter-productive, along with the implied view of progress = repressing impulses = good). But I think it needs to be said here that responsibility is about both private reactions AND follow-up public actions. Of course one should consider carefully before reacting to abuse from others, however unintentional, but I don’t agree that the outcome of careful consideration should be anti-social… What I mean is, while I totally agree with the notion that we need to be aware of what we’re feeling, and not mindlessly act on resentments and angers that inevitably crop up, I worry about the moral cowardice implicit in ONLY focusing on one’s own feelings and freedoms in situations where someone has in fact done something inappropriate or downright damaging (whether to you or someone else). Being responsible for our own actions and reactions is not about retreating into oneself and STAYING there (ie NOT actually letting someone else know when they’ve inadvertently or intentionally overstepped the mark). Doing that is the sort of thinking that allows bullies to come to exist and thrive. I really appreciate being able to dip into websites like this one now and then, to help me reflect, but the point of doing such reflection is surely to become more able to engage in more effective social action, not to just avoid it! Maybe no-one else reading these postings took away the message that what’ being encouraged here is avoiding the much harder task of actually saying what’s right and wrong, but in case so, I just wanted to say that I think looking ‘in’ can sometimes be the same as looking ‘away’ – and that’s not good at all. We’re all implicated when someone does something horrible to others if we just look the other way. It’s not good enough to simply work out a way to feel good about yourself while allowing others to behave badly! (and feeling smug and superior about it to boot). Looking away is cowardice. I don’t for a moment think one should act impulsively – reflection is necessary – but isn’t its purpose ultimately to make everyone feel better and safer in the social world that makes up our daily life, and not just to feel ‘sweet about me’? Responses need to be balanced, mature and wise, but not socially irresponsible – and focusing only on one’s own feelings and choosing to not speak out in defense of what is right and socially acceptable (so that everyone is reminded of the rules of fair play) is frankly complicit in the creation of nasty behaviour. That’s my two cents’ worth – reflection is the beginning, not the end :)
Dean

Oct 29 08, 6:35 am PST

73
Very nice Tina. I agree with some of the earlier comments posted here about the need for awareness. Particularly as it pertains to the workings of the human mind. As part of the human condition, our minds are wired in ways that at times serve us in a counter productive manner. But I am able (most of the time) to hold my “mind” in the palms of lovingkindness and realize that what I am thinking and feeling are all simply a part of this weird and wonderful experience we refer to as “being human”. From this perspective, I seem to be able to look at what is bothering me from a position that is not quite so judgmental and defensive. Through that portal enters the wisdom I need to deal with the issue at hand. We often get caught up in the trance of our own thoughts and when we can realize this and catch ourselves doing that, we can learn to stop, reflect, and begin to see things differently……and move towards what works and away from being stuck in what doesn’t work.
Vincent

Oct 29 08, 9:51 pm PST

74
Only by forgiving we can get on with our life. Sometimes people can the feeling of, “If i don’t forgive someone, then they suffer.” I wonder why they came out with that thinking. I believe the one that suffer the most is the one who can’t forgive others.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Chris Edgar

Oct 31 08, 2:45 pm PST

75
Thanks for this post. One thing I’d add is that, if we feel like we have to get resentment off our chests by talking to the person we’re angry with, we have ways of communicating available to us that aren’t attacking toward the other person. Like Marshall Rosenberg talks about in Nonviolent Communication, we can just relate how we felt when the other person treated us in the way we disliked. We’d say something like “when you wrote me that e-mail, I felt angry.” By simply telling them how we felt, rather than blaming them for it, we can actually have communication about the situation as opposed to having them defend themselves. — Best, Chris
Ian

Nov 05 08, 10:59 am PST

76
I think the Mark Twain quote at the top of the page is a beautiful way to describe forgiveness. Your article really hit home, because things happen on a daily basis in my life that cause feelings of resentment or injustice. The best way to get over it, like you said, is to let go of your ego and forgive and forget.

http://www.raisedpath.com
STEVO
Nov 08 08, 10:07 pm PST

77
As a sufferer of resentment now for 2 years 2 months and 7 days, and counting, I find it to be too strong of an issue to be the one to give in. Even though i know it is doing me and my partner no good healthwise. I wake up every morning with a possitive outlook that this will be the day it is all swept under the carpet . Where can i find the strength to forgive ? Hopefully this post will go a long way to resolving what has become a nightmare.. saving to favourites N.O.W.
Elaine B.

Nov 27 08, 10:52 am PST

78
This is a great article. I can relate to your email scenario. I usually point out to the writer, that I understand the frustration to my “perceived” action, but her reaction is also hurting me and, if given the chance, I can make amend for that which they feel wronged. I get a positive reaction about 85% of the time. When I don`t or the other party is unreasonable, the email doesn`t get answered by me.

This article finally gives true intelligence to those of us who try to think logically rather than indulge in candor.
Matt G.
Jan 09 09, 12:02 pm PST

79
Is there a book that goes deeper into the origins of human resentment?
Just trying to get some info on evolutionary responses to attacks by others.
Thanks in advance for your recommendations…
andrew ph
Feb 14 09, 5:32 pm PST

80
Sure, resentment is a corrosive self-damaging emotion, but as you outline, it’s a reaction to an external act. We may be able to some extent control how we act on our feelings of resentment, but it seems to be an emotion in search of closure. That’s why it’s so enduring, because if closure isn’t forthcoming, it ends up unresolved. I recently fell out with a friend who I discovered had lied to me, and when confronted, he simply shrugged – this only infuriated me further which led me to ending all contact with him as there was no good-will on my part even for a superficial chat. He has yet to apologise, but has spoken to a mutual acquaintance about this incident, and about my disproportionate reaction. Needless to say, him speaking to someone else about this – rather than to seek to resolve this with me – made me even more resentful about this, particularly as he has previously spoken to me about very personal matters that often involved those nearest to him. I bump into him frequently as we have common acquaintances and usually blank him. I resent him and often fantasise about my revenge in the form of divulging the information he’s intimated to me, or by physically assaulting him – which naturally are counterproductive in the extreme, and I’d never resort to doing. The feelings however remain, and there is no closure. To forgive in these circumstances, and to revert to the previous state of the relationship, I fear, will also be counterproductive – in your article, you make no mention about the need to send clear messages to others what are our boundaries, and what sorts of behaviour we find unacceptable. Though the gist of what you write appears enlightened, the whole issue of forgiveness glosses over the need to indicate to others that certain behaviours are not acceptable – how therefore do we reconcile your approach with the need to be firm and consistent with our principles?

Though it frustrates me to be resentful about my former friend, I feel it’s a matter that time will diminish it’s effect on me, and that it’s part of the human condition – to be hurt by other people’s behaviour towards us, to fall out, and to accept that sometimes, certain relationships cannot be salvaged and that, when these involve people close to us, this can be painful. To resent an unresolved wrong is part of being human, and that being human involves placing value in notions such as fairness, justice, and so on. I hear you saying ‘but it will ultimately hurt you if you don’t forgive’ to which I would reply, ‘you’re right, but life is not meant to be this 24/7 saccharine-laced fluffy experience, and that human relationships, by virtue of their importance to the social beings that we are, have their highs, and their lows. I think lasting fulfillment comes from the feeling that we have kept true to our principles – imagine resenting being too forgiving over a particular incident, and feeling as a complete push-over, a man without a chest thymic or in common parlance, no balls.
Mike

Feb 18 09, 7:31 pm PST

81
As a man thinketh in is heart so is he – from the Proverbs. Thus holding anger and resentment will make one angry and resentful and it will carry out toward others and not just at it’s target. It becomes a habit and infects your thinking and all of your relationships. And so you must let go.

I enjoyed the article and the fact that it points out that just because you can forgive doesn’t mean that you get run over. Mainly it means you take those things out of your heart. If someone is an SOB let them be an SOB but I don’t have to let them keep my mind and my attention focused on them. They have no control over me.
trish
Feb 20 09, 2:11 am PST

82
Whilst I really think the advice given is very very good. I have to ask if you have ever been involved unwittingly in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath ,and not known what they were until after the end of the relationship.
Such people are “Without Concience” A book by Dr.Hare.
I am sorry to have to say that what you write about
“Understanding gives us an insight into what the other person is feeling”
Would be totally wasted on narcissist/sociopathic
personalaties.
I do however take on board and embrace the fact that in normal relationships the advise you give could be theariputic. However to get over the type of relationship that I refer takes a lot more than that to recover from.
Frank Brown
Mar 11 09, 9:06 am PST

83
I’m typically the one who engages the understanding and apology after lashing out when someone questions my ego. This is some sound advice for dealing with this, and I will try to apply it to the next person I have a falling-out with. Forgive yourself, and forgive others!

–
Frank
Car accident lawyer
Sam
May 13 09, 5:51 am PST

84
I like your article and it has helped me a great deal. But even after understanding them can i correct them? When is the true cure? Is it when i foregive the person and we become friends or when they do the same thing and it nolonger hurts? Or should i plead with them not to do it again?

Pls reply
Tina Su

May 13 09, 7:00 am PST

85
Hi Sam,

Yes, you can correct them after you started to absorb and understand the principles behind why we do things. Awareness is the beginning of change.

You do not need to become friends with them, that is not necessary. Permanent change happens, when the person’s presence or actions no longer bothers you.

When we feel upset or hurt caused by other people’s actions, it is us who have given them the power to affect us emotionally. It is our choice. With awareness, we can choose to not allow external events pollute our inner space.

Tina
Em
May 20 09, 3:32 pm PST

86
Wooow. I seeked for an article exactly like this and the search results came through!!! Thank you.

Here’s where I am through all of this.
1. Clarity

In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing.

My alternative possibilities and healing strategies are my only outlets allowing me to breathe. Thinkin of all the positive aspects of this upcoming change being back on my own(My BF of 4+ years has decided to move back home to San Diego to help his Family. Two of the 4 yrs with me, he hasn’t been able to support himself financially, and god know’s I’ve tried everything to support him. Now he finally wants to make something of himself for his family…but not for me. Says he’s never had the motivation. *shakes head*).

My issue is this.. once you scar me in a potentially damaging way…I can never go back to ‘How it used to be.’ Love is there, but there is an awful lot of pain and stress and resentment. I’ve reacted like so, I’ve reasoned, I’ve clung to his chest in the middle of the night crying, pleading for him to stay. I see no way out of this but to learn to understand and forgive….there’s no turning back. I know in my head that once this is over with…It’s a done deal.

Back to Clarity…and some soul searching. Again..I thank you for this article, more than you know.
eris
May 24 09, 2:42 pm PST

87
I was excited that the article started off so wisely. But then it went off into ego defense land. It’s disappointing, given that the author is aware of them.

Look, if someone says something to upset you, it doesn’t mean that they’re the problem and you’re superior (and so compassionate!). Thinking that may make you feel better, but so does heroin.

What it really means that some truth in there touched a nerve. Be honest with yourself and fix it.

It’s painful. It’s scary. And therefore, it’s the less popular option.

But it brings true inner peace.
Mita Bell
Jul 22 09, 5:24 am PST

88
This writing on resentment has been SO helpful to me.
I can’t figure out who wrote it and would like to know so I can find more writings of his/hers.
Mita Bell
Jul 22 09, 5:25 am PST

89
Who wrote the essay on resentment? I love it.
Megan Cleland
Nov 11 09, 4:33 am PST

90
Wow incredible article. Society as a whole is becoming more resentful and caveman-like but don’t have the tools or don’t want to know how to make it better. We are going backwards as a society not ahead. People are becoming more stressed and frustrated with relationships and day to day survival and are accepting the feeling of resentment that go along with it.
I have learned from this article a bit more about myself and how I can change the way I react to things and people I have no control over.
Forgiveness is the key.
nirvan
Nov 27 09, 11:56 am PST

91
a well written article, however, an insight is missing. that insight is that everyone shares a consciousness; we are all mirrors for each other. with this insight into ourselves, we do not blame another or ourselves.
we feel a need to forgive only because we have placed blame. of course, in this society where blame is taught, any idea of being truly responsibility for our feelings is pretty radical.
deepgrl
Jan 20 10, 8:07 am PST

92
This article helped me immensly! I was going through so much anger and resentment that I was starting to not be able to focus on anything good in my life at all. Which included my husband and kids. I am now so much at peace and my husband keeps asking me what happened to make me so happy. He ask’s, “Did you win the lottery or something?” **laughs** :)
Peter Hallam

Aug 03 10, 3:21 am PST

93
Thank you for posting this. Resentment is one of the issues I am addressing at the moment and your article has helped.
Jesse
Aug 12 10, 9:19 am PST

94
Thanks for helping me understand why I resent.
Katie
Jan 12 11, 6:42 am PST

95
Thank you for posting practical steps towards forgiveness. I am still very angry over my treatment at and then lay off from a job I adored. I have become very sensitive to my friend’s and family’s exhaustion with my anger, so I try to act very nonchalant. As a result I lose my temper at odd times, and have nightmares about the people who hurt me. My peers in recovery just say, “pray for forgiveness,” but I don’t really know what that means.

Thank for breaking the process down into doable steps.
Nancy
Feb 16 11, 9:43 am PST

96
I have had a very long standing resentment that I have tried to get rid of and it is not enough to say forgive, because it doesnt just go away. It has to be dealt with. I realize that I turned a critical life decision over to a parent who I thought cared and listened to the advice and it had disasterous consequences for my life and the life of others. In realizing what happened, I think that the person was coming from their own standpoint and perspective instead of the affects it would have on others. So really, I think what I am saying is that the person was thinking about themsleves, not the people involved and the action really hurt others, had a horrible impact. It has been very hard to let go and forgive both myself and the other person or even know what to say to the other person who denies any involvement at all…it is so sad. But therre is no peace without there is no peace without working this through.
Missn
Feb 16 11, 11:17 am PST

97
Thank you for this article. I have been working on a resentment for many many years that wakes me up at night and haunts almost every waking moment. I know it has to be dealt with but almost wish there was a place where people could talk more or work it through more. It doesnt go away….they say pray on it, forgiven, but I think itès a process that needs to be worked out and then you can forgiven but I am not sure that you can do that before the other stuff is worked on. It doesnèt just go away. It take movement and the courage to speak the truth, even if you had a part to play…doesnt make you bad, just someone learning something. I have learned that you have to be very very careful about who you trust.
controlfreak
Jul 30 11, 9:59 am PST

98
I have a problem with holding on to anger. This really helped me out. I know that I have the problem and want to change it. It’s as if my anger and resentment towards people who judge me keeps me fake sense of comfort. I dont want them to get to know me, which in turn makes life lonely. Thank you for the tips I think it will prove to make life more enjoyable.
Anibal

Aug 14 11, 3:18 pm PST

99
I simply had to thank you so much all over again. I am not sure the things that I could possibly have accomplished without these suggestions shared by you on that question. Previously it was the alarming concern for me, but finding out your professional manner you solved the issue made me to leap for gladness. I will be thankful for your information and then have high hopes you recognize what a powerful job your are providing educating most people via your web site. Most probably you have never got to know all of us.
lisa
Oct 10 11, 11:40 am PST

100
What if the person lies and denies they said or did anything. So therefore you can not understand why they would say or do what the did.
Bobby
Dec 16 11, 1:59 am PST

101
Thanks for have such a well informed page on this subject.
Asia
Dec 17 11, 5:44 am PST

102
Thank you for this well-written and inspiring article. It comforted me to know that my horrible feelings of resentment were so well articulated by someone else. This paragraph captured my emotions so well:

“I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling. Even though, I knew rationally and intuitively that I was getting nowhere by feeling upset, annoyed, and wronged, it felt impossible to control these thoughts and to not be bothered by them. I knew I had to release this energy to set myself free. The key to mental freedom was within me and nowhere else.”

Followed up with specific actions for me to take (calming, forgiving self and others); thank you.
Miranda
Jan 06 12, 4:14 am PST

103
I have just walked away from a decade of resentment by both myself and my estranged partner. As the typical family now consists of yours, mine and sometimes ours, family life is whole lot more complicated, so I will never combine families again. I am now picking up the pieces of the constant belittling of my children, and the my inappropriate management of these situations. So my dilemma is how do I show compassion and dignity when my children remind me on a daily basis of impact of my choice. I can forgive my ex because i see the hurt and the insecurities that were causal in his inappropriate behavior. My children say he does not deserve forgiveness, and my family feed their resentment. So i cry in silence at the loss of my BF and the person i wanted to grow old with, the hurt of broken promises, and the lost opportunity to create precious life’s memories.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day and I spent most of the day crying my eyes out. Today I Googled and yours was the article I chose. I already feel as if the pain in my heart is not as sharp, as I have now found a point of reference and platform from which to take the first tentative step from. I know i will refer and re-refer to your article several times during the following months as my children and I heal and grow.

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