A Story of Parenting & Happiness

A Story of Parenting and Happiness
Photo by Sara Lando

(Editor’s note: written 5 days ago)

I’ve been feeling pretty scattered lately. I think it’s because it’s been 3 weeks since I had quality alone time, and somehow in that time, taking care of myself slipped to the bottom of my priority list, again.

Yes, I know it’s important. At least in theory: taking care of myself will benefit everyone around me, and not doing so will hurt the same people I love. But when things get busy, as they always do, something has to give.

I yelled at Ryan today. At the top of my lungs, I asked, “What do you need from me?? What do you want?” No matter what I did, the boy just kept crying, at the top of his lungs. And by raising my voice I made it even worse. I just lost it. Lost in the noise of my own mind, blinded by frustration. Anger overcame my better judgment.

The look of horror on Ryan’s face is now imprinted on my memory, and I silently whispered a prayer that it isn’t imprinted on his.

When I picked him up, heavy tears rolled down his tiny face. And with the momentum of lifting him up, a few large drops landed on the edge of my mouth. They tasted salty, and at that instant, I felt a pang of sharp pain shooting through my body – pain from the sad realization that I had caused those tears.

I felt like a horrible parent. I felt like a horrible person. After Jeremy came home from work, I told him about it, and the look of disappointment on his face caused me to feel like I needed to be locked away in a dark room and have the keys be thrown away.

It was a pretty rough day. I felt defeated.

Jeremy said, – perhaps taking pity in me – that things like this happen all the time (to other people). I want to believe him, but I’m not sure. I think it’s me. I think I have anger/patience issues that I need to address and overcome.

From where I’m standing, every other parent seems to have it together. I see many new mothers who have the whole parenting thing together – they are not only patient, and make their own baby food, but also manage to take their babies to early education classes, bake for their family, and keep a perfectly organized household.

And then I look at myself: a baby-food-buying “horrible” parent who looses her temper. And our home is so messy that it looks like it’s been hit by a level 4 tornado.

It’s so easy to pick on ourselves when we are feeling bad.

Perhaps, Jeremy is right, that behind the closed door of every household, we aren’t as together as we let the world believe – an idealistic image of perfection and ever-flowing happiness. And only in the privacy of our own mind, do we silently hope that others won’t find out – that we’re not as perfect or happy as the pictures of our smiling faces portray.

I sighed, and thought, “motherhood is hard.”

And then I heard a voice in my heart say, “So what? That’s life! No one said it was gonna be an easy ride? You are creating the horrible experience by your thoughts and by your lack of awareness. You can change this!”

Yes! Yes, I can! I can’t change the situation, but I can change, through consistent practice, my reaction to things. You know how the saying goes: you can’t change the wind, but you can adjust the sail. I love that!

Through my own observation, I realized that no matter how beautiful you are, or how wealthy you are, or how successful you are, we all have one thing (of many) in common, and that is, we all have problems (relationship, stress and insecurities are the most common ones I’ve seen.).

My point is we should stop blaming our problems on a lack of something we think we should have (ie. beauty, money, smarts, etc.). Encountering problems is inherent to being human, and part of having the human experience.

The underlying story may be different, but we all have our unique challenges, and we either learn from them and move on, or get stuck and allow the pain to sting a little.

That’s what life is – a constant unfolding of events and challenges that defines our experiences. How we choose to perceive these experiences is up to us. How we choose to welcome or resist the challenges is also up to us.

We, essentially, shape our future, by the decisions we make right now. Regardless of what happened in the past moment, regardless of the ‘mistakes’ we’ve made, the future is always fresh, and the power lies in the Now – where we get to decide how we will direct the path of our future.

Regret and self-pity will only keep us stuck in the past. And only we have the power, to keep ourselves stuck in the unhappiness of our problems.

After Ryan went to bed for the night, Jeremy and I talked about our options, and drilled into why it happened. The results were fruitful and plenty.

And if you’re curious, my biggest take away from that conversation is that I am trying to do too much when watching my son. I am dividing my attention between trying to be productive with house chores and my businesses, and fulfilling the needs of a very active (and very curious) 10 month old.

It just doesn’t work, and it is a conflict. A young child is sensitive enough to pick up on the energy that he doesn’t have your full attention, and will do what it takes to get your attention. At this tender age, it is important that he feels engaged, talked to, played with, read to, and not ignored – because mommy is busy with something else.

Jeremy also reminded me of how lucky we are that I have the option to stay at home and witness our little baby grow into a boy. And that this period of demanding infancy is short lived, and once it’s over, we’ll look back regretting that we didn’t appreciate how beautiful and sacred this period was.

With tears welling up in my eyes, I agreed. We are so lucky to have such a healthy and happy baby boy. And yes, I do take things for granted, and I appreciate the reminder for giving gratitude for the countless blessings in my life.

Next time I feel anger, or find myself at the tip of frustration, before loosing my cool I will do 3 things:

Close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Give gratitude that I have such a healthy and precious baby boy.
Dwell on his innocence. Meditate on his cuteness and purity. Connect with him. In other words, being mindful around him, and appreciating the beautiful moments we have in the Now.

Most importantly, I vow to never yell at him again. I vow to change. I want to change. I want to be a better person… to be a better mom… to become a better role model for my little man.

If he is someone who I would easily give my life for, then I sure as heck can change to become a better person for him. My behavior and reactions to the external are a matter of habits, and a habit can be changed. It’s a matter of decision and commitment.

Today, I’ve decided to change. Today, I am committed to becoming a more patient and dedicated parent.

Along the way, I know I will make mistakes. And when I do, I will be kind to myself. I will accept myself for who I am right now, and know that I am on a pathway of awakening, riding through the challenges and overcoming emotional habits that are not conducive to the wellbeing of my family – who mean the world to me.

This morning (5 days later), while feeding Ryan his breakfast of yogurt and breast milk, in his playful mumbling, I vaguely heard “mama” snuggled in between the “baba” sounds. In that moment, time froze, and I felt as though my heart skipped a beat.

“Ahh, This is what happiness is all about. The simple moments where miracles happen that change you forever.”, I thought.

I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry. I think I did both.

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41 Responses (40 Comments, 1 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Wendy

Oct 26 10, 7:47 pm PDT

1
Oh yes, all parents mess up. And often. There’s a line in a Barenaked Ladies song that rings true, “Anyone perfect must be lying.” Children require so much time and love and attention and mind numbing effort. And sometimes when you’ve given everything, it still isn’t enough. If you could just occasionally hear, “Why thank you, my wonderful mommy. I appreciate each and every thing that you do for me.” But we don’t. Ever. Anyone who could judge someone for yelling at a kid has clearly never spent days on end with a crying child. It happens. And by messing up occasionally, you’ll be able to teach your child about forgiveness. So there’s that.

Good luck. And it does get easier. And then much more difficult. And then they’re gone. (my kids are 12, 16, 18 and 20)
beck

Oct 26 10, 8:03 pm PDT

2
Oh I am right there with you. Your perspective is so wise and I applaud the new choices/decisions you’re making!

I have vowed MANY times never to yell at my children… but now that the oldest is three, what has worked VERY well for me recently is giving her permission to call me out on it. Boy does THAT ever stop me in my tracks and force me to chill out, step back and re-evaluate! =)
Tracy Chapman
Oct 26 10, 8:17 pm PDT

3
Hi Tina! Welcome to motherhood! You are not at all alone in this experience or your feelings. I have a 9 and 4 year old and still have this same experience despite my vow not to let it happen again.

One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard about it is “There is no way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be a good one”.

Your article was great because it not only applies so well to motherhood but also so many other areas of life. I am finding myself very stuck in past relationship issues and the reasons for (regrets)
about my crappy financial situation and it’s been hard for me to focus on the good I have now and creating a future I do want.

Thanks for sharing. Your words rang true for me in many ways and offer positive ways to be grateful for what we have including the chance to start fresh at every moment.
Jacqueline

Oct 27 10, 5:26 am PDT

4
Hi Tina. You are not only! I am also a working Mom of a 3 year old and work from home. I vowed to work only when my son is sleeping. He is just giving up nap time now and I am in a panic.

We all have moments of snapping and here is my trick. Put on your favourite music and start dancing with him. It has always worked for me from 10 months to now 3 years. he now dances himself.

I also wanted to thank you for your posts. I have a site called http://www.365give.ca. I want to make the world a better place for our kids and yesterday I gave to you as my GIVE of the day. Good luck with the job you have my support and I hope my site drives some votes your way. Don’t give up your dreams. You are inspiring so many. No one ever said it would be easy but it is worth it.

Happy Day!
Jacqueline
workout mommy

Oct 27 10, 6:46 am PDT

5
you have NO idea how much i needed this post right now. Thank you!!
Cait
Oct 27 10, 6:55 am PDT

6
Hay! Thanks for this website. Most of your updates tend to land in front of me exactly when I need to hear someone else say the same thoughts I have been working on. I don’t have children and I still felt comforted/inspired by the article. Your son is lucky to have a thoughtful and motivated ‘mama’
Keith
Oct 27 10, 7:58 am PDT

7
Thank you for posting this.

Parenting has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it is the most rewarding also. Your willingness to accept the fact that you are not perfect (nobody is) and desire to improve is a great testimony of your love for your child.

My children are now in the 17-24 range and that comes with a whole new set of problems/opportunities. It doesn’t get any easier, but enjoy the ride because you are 100% correct in that before you know it you will look back on those early childhood years and wish for those simplier times. 8-)

Have a wonderful day.
Lisa
Oct 27 10, 10:53 am PDT

8
Your child will teach you more than you will ever teach him. Children show us what we are made of and how we can change and grow and become better people.

This frustrating time will pass. Enjoy it now because when he is 14 and tells you something you really don’t want to hear, you may wish for the days when all he did was make sounds. Just think of how much you have already learned about yourself. I don’t believe anybody is a “natural” mother. It is something that you have to learn. There are parents who had a lot of younger siblings, so that got a one-up on the experience.

I’ve had 4 kids and my youngest is now 16. I had a very difficult time with the baby stage, especially with the last one, because my daughter was 6 years younger than her brothers and I had to take care of her, her brothers, work full-time and be a wife. It was really hard. A year from now you’ll be a pro at this and you will be able to hold the baby in one arm and do a ton of stuff with the other!

You are not alone. Do you have any friends who have young children too! Call them! Get together with them! If not, maybe your recreation center has some Mommy and Me programs.
Kathryn

Oct 27 10, 3:25 pm PDT

9
The most important thing I read here that resonated with me is “I’ve been feeling pretty scattered lately. I think it’s because it’s been 3 weeks since I had quality alone time, and somehow in that time, taking care of myself slipped to the bottom of my priority list, again.”

We mothers never seem to take the time we know is necessary to look after ourselves so we can look after others.

You’re learning, we’re all learning.

Thanks for being so honest.
ndobiecka
Oct 27 10, 11:06 pm PDT

10
Hi Tina,

Thank you for sharing this so openly.

I also thought as I was reading that this has to be a lot to do with the 1st thing you said about not taking any time out for yourself. I think under those circumstances it sounds to me like you yelled through exhaustion as much as frustration!

I related to that because for me also the first thing to slide is taking time for myself!

I don’t have kids but my boyfriend does and that is sometimes very hard and also very rewarding.

I remember so many stories from people with young babies about the effect of the constant crying. I experienced it with my younger siblings (4 of them). I think eventually it breaks you – because you can’t make it stop and you can’t explain it. But then you get to another level and it’s OK.

I am so glad to hear you’re not beating yourself up or judging yourself because of a perfectly natural, human behaviour.

Lots of love
Nicola
Rebecca

Oct 27 10, 11:37 pm PDT

11
You’re definitely not the only person who’s done something like that out of anger. I’ve done it more than once! Being a mum is really really hard but it’s also the best thing in the world.

My partner told me about this story below and after I read it I felt awful for ever getting angry with Leon. Have a read <3

http://www.family-history-stories.com/inspirational-father-forgets.html
Michelle

Oct 28 10, 10:53 pm PDT

12
Oh Tina, big hugs from Down Under! Being a parent is hard work and it’s something we just can’t understand until we are in the middle of it! I still find myself yelling at my 9 year old, unable to believe why he is outside in his socks or playing his Touch when he had promised he was finishing his homework!

The frustrations seem to change as they get older.

I certainly found that I was getting the most grumpy when I was trying to do something for me when I should have been focusing on them. This anger seems to come from guilt. Having times for different activities seems to help; even if it is mental compartments; “now it is time to play”, “now it is time to cook” etc

Best wishes! By being aware of what is going on is proof you are a good parent!
Nea | Self Improvement Saga

Oct 29 10, 7:28 am PDT

13
Wow Tina. This post is just so very real. I remember many moments when I felt that I messed up. It’s just a part of parenting. My daughter is 17 years old now and I’m thankful to say that I can look back over the course of her life and feel proud of the job I’ve done.

I had moments of weakness and impatience. I screwed up and made decisions that sucked. Nonetheless, I just wrote a post the other day titled “Why My Daughter Thinks I’m the World’s Best Parent.” I wouldn’t have guessed when she was a baby, a toddler or even a pre-teen that I’d be able to genuinely write something like this. Here’s the link if you’d like to check it out:
http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2010/10/parenting-adult-children/
Essie
Oct 29 10, 7:15 pm PDT

14
“It just doesn’t work, and it is a conflict. A young child is sensitive enough to pick up on the energy that he doesn’t have your full attention, and will do what it takes to get your attention. At this tender age, it is important that he feels engaged, talked to, played with, read to, and not ignored – because mommy is busy with something else.”

While I certainly do believe that you should give your child the attention he or she needs, learning independence and delayed gratification is important as well. A child should also see that his mother and father have responsibilities that need to be fulfilled, or to see his mother and father doing things that really make them happy.

I am a nanny and one of the things that I struggle with is feeling like I am ignoring the child. But my mother pointed out that I’m not watching television as he sobs himself into hiccups – a lot of the times, I am handling household things or his older sister. He may really enjoy being in my arms but it is not safe for me to try and balance him on my hip while I am pulling something hot out of the oven. No matter how hard he cries and wants my attention, it’s important that he learns that he is okay, even when I am not holding him.

I would suggest looking into books that talk about forming healthy attachments with children. I’ve seen an unhealthy and clinging attachment formed and it is uncomfortable for all parties.
Juliana

Oct 31 10, 10:46 am PDT

15
Hello, Tina, I am new to your blog and much of what you write resonates with me. I have a 14 month old and yelled at her for the first time — I mean, really yelled — just a couple of weeks ago. But I realized exactly the same thing that you have realized yourself, and since then she has been much happier and more content. When I am mindful around her and spend time with her, she is engaged, happy, content. When I am *doing* something else … especially when I’m on the computer … she becomes restless very quickly. So, I try to wait until she’s sleeping to do computer work. As for the chores, I get her to help me or observe. She’s quite the little helper. BUT, I don’t obsess about it, or I try not to. The house IS going to be messy. Of course, I keep it in reasonably good order, but it’s not perfect. No way. And that’s okay.

They’re little for such a short time. We need to learn — as we are — to love every moment.

much love,

Juliana
Tina Su

Oct 31 10, 11:46 am PDT

16
Thank you for that Juliana. Your message brought tears to my eyes. I can’t wait until my little Ryan is big enough to play mommy’s helper. And you are right, they are little for such a short time, let’s remember to be mindful and enjoy the simple daily moments with them.
Samantha

Nov 01 10, 3:04 pm PDT

17
This is so real, Tina. Thanks for sharing with us. Something that rang for me is that I love to play the “me beating myself up” reel over and over in my head, incessantly. It really can become an addiction like any other… trying to stop made me appreciate alcoholics-turned-sober like never before. When I started seeing my self-flagellation as an addiction, and not as something helpful, I was finally able to let it go… not 100%, but more and more each day.

As you say, life’s a journey.
Andrea
Nov 03 10, 9:03 pm PDT

18
Ah, myth of the “good mother…” She is calm, pleasant, always patient, never loses her cool, remains organized, beautiful, innately competent and is entirely fulfilled in her role as a mother.

We try so hard to live up to these standards and berate ourselves when we fail to achieve this standard of perfection…

One of the aspects of motherhood that I find difficult is how we hold both ourselves and other mothers to this standard of mothering. When we fall short, we chastise ourselves. When another mothers faisl to live up to these expectations, we think less of her (and may share those thoughts with other mothers in an effort to feel more secure about our own mothering status).

I think this is so sad because ultimately, through hiding our imperfections and relishing in others’ flaws, we end up isolating ourselves from each other when what we really need during this time in our lives is connection.

We need the support of other mothers in order to make it through the end of each day. Motherhood is hard (rewarding, yes, of course, but I’ll be damned if I pretend it’s a breeze!). When all you have is your infant for companionship during the day, isolation can be especially challenging…

Kindness to self and others – wouldn’t that be lovely?
Karla
Nov 03 10, 9:17 pm PDT

19
I can totally relate to your feelings. I have three children and I haven’t lost my patience once but who knows how many times. And everytime I feel guilty like a bad mother. So I want you to know that together with you I also want to be a better person, a better mother. One day when our kids grow older they aren’t going to care if their home was clean or not. They will most likely talk about how their parents were and the kind of childood. So lets focus on making their childood a happy one.
Meghashyam Chirravoori

Nov 06 10, 10:42 pm PDT

20
“behind the closed door of every household, we aren’t as together as we let the world believe – an idealistic image of perfection and ever-flowing happiness. And only in the privacy of our own mind, do we silently hope that others won’t find out – that we’re not as perfect or happy as the pictures of our smiling faces portray.” How true…..

What I really appreciate about your blog in general is that instead of sounding “advise giving” in your writing you do present a genuine “behind the close doors” picture that is true for everyone…It’s like you are saying “see, what happens to all of you is happening to me too, and this is how I am dealing with it”. That genuineness is touching.

Thank you for your post. :)
HappinessandWisdom

Nov 07 10, 1:10 pm PDT

21
We think that sometimes, unfortunate situations such as the one you describe, are needed to increase awareness and urge us on to personal growth. Sounds like you reflected and decided to react differently next time. That’s growth!!
D
Nov 09 10, 12:49 am PDT

22
The fact that you are so honest with yourself and share every bit of your emotion, i think touches me as a reader and Im sure everyone else.

When i feel upset about something or confused or anxious i just come to your blog and read something, anything and i feel like everything will be okay, because underneath it all, i feel like thats your message, that nothing will be bad enough or destructive enough if you are strong within yourself and happy within yourself.

I just want to say, thank you, thank you for sharing your life with me and being so wise, and sharing your daily experiences. You look so happy, these just seem like busy times of your life and with a lot going on, but I really am so happy for what you’ve built, happiness within yourself and understanding of life… I hope one day I can find what you have and come to your blog, not because im scared or feeling anxious but because I can relate to your experience, your happiness and beautiful life.

Thank you so much,
for everything, sharing, wisdom and laughter you bring to me
and by the looks, all your readers.
Evan Schulte

Nov 09 10, 3:22 pm PDT

23
All I can say is everyone has their moments. My mother did what you have done. I have seen other mothers do what you have done. I have done it, I normally try and make it sound sarcastic to my kids but I know it bugs them sometimes. Just wait till your child starts running around the house screaming Mom, Mom, Mom over and over again just to annoy you, wait till you see what happens then. I remember my mom chasing me around the house until she was laughing so hard she forgot why, and I wasn’t half as bad as my brother.
Wendy Fedan

Nov 10 10, 8:59 am PDT

24
A wonderful reflection. I’ve often thought there should be a show called “SurvivorMom!” I totally know how you feel in this article. Thanks for sharing so the rest of us don’t feel so alone.
barbG
Nov 13 10, 11:25 am PDT

25
I enjoy your posts very much. Your last comment says it all about motherhood. As he becomes more independent — walking, talking,
friends, school, etc. the challenges and changes are continual and
so our frustrations and indigations and source of pride.
But keep loving him always. And have fun, take plenty of pictures.
There’s lots of Mommy Blogs out there that may be of interest.
You’re doing great.
BarbaraG
Helaina
Nov 13 10, 8:42 pm PDT

26
Tina,
I think this is something every parent experiences. I know I have and I understand the feeling of wanting your child to feel he has your attention and attentiveness at the same time life is life and all those chores and things still need to be done. I think it’s very beneficial for our children to see us taking care of ourselves and our homes and to learn to be ok with themselves and confident that while we do these things even though we are not sitting there holding them we are still there for them. I’ve found there are many ways you can still get things done and involve your child at the same time. I play peek-a-boo while folding clothes, kids love it especially babies sometimes I’ll even take a shirt or blanket and lay it over their head and then let them play with it. You are playing and engaging with your child and getting something done at the same time. I put on music while sweeping and mopping put the baby in a place he can see you well then I dance as I sweep and sometimes I even sing too:). Every child I’ve watched loves this they love watching you dance around and move. I look at them in the eyes often… still getting what I feel needs to be done done yet now they are involved they are a part of it. I’m one of those people who loves to just get lost in a task. I had to really think about it and change that when with children. I had to change the way I worked, looking in their eyes often, making up silly songs about what I am doing, moving and dancing while I do things. I’ll pick the baby up here and there spin them around give them a squeeze and a kiss, dance them around a little then get back to cleaning. I’ve found it really works and it lifts your mood as well. Sometimes I find myself laughing at how silly I must look and it’s wonderful!
magali

Nov 15 10, 8:21 am PDT

27
Hello!
I wanted to say that I had a similar wake up call recently, when I raised my voice at my baby and I saw the surprised look on her face. Like if she said « what is this, why are you yelling ? You are my mommy you don’t do this! ». It’s hard sometimes, especially to keep up with work, exercice, take care of us, the couple, and the house… But honestly, it’s the best adventure ever isn’t?

Great blog, when you learn French come and visit mine : )

http://www.magalilegault.com/blogue/
Tina Su

Nov 19 10, 1:37 am PDT

28
Wow, thank you Helaina!

I love you and am so honored to have you as a friend.
Thank you for all the suggestions, I will remember to dance and move when cleaning, and pay extra attention to looking into his eyes. :)
Stephanie
Nov 22 10, 5:39 am PDT

29
Thank you so, so much. My son is nearly 2 & I could’ve written that article it was so similar to my life. Cheers for your wisdom and normalcy.
Dennis M
Dec 01 10, 1:13 pm PDT

30
Hi Tina,

I’ve seen my expectations frustrated, and anger powerfully overtake me when dealing with my new 1 year old rescue dog, Miley. Just imagine a relatively independent, open-schedule, do-whatever-he-wants guy like me suddenly having a bounded schedule with a dog that grew up as a stray and doesn’t have any concept of potty training. My angry face, and yelling, would make her cower and act overly submissive; and I’d later see she’s being trained the opposite of what I wanted for her (i.e. happy, relaxed, and confident).

Likewise, as I have practiced more in meditation, I have *not* felt more peace. Instead, I feel like there’s more upfront rawness and intensity to my negative emotions. It’s not that I feel this wonderful blissful respite after practicing mindfulness and being present. I am actually more aware of how quick I am to judgement, anger, desire, frustration. Solitude feels much more immense. Restlessness comes in waves. Later, I’ll often feel trapped, and then despair and depression as I slip out of the present moment, and project things not ever getting better.

I never really remember feeling these things so strongly. I used to even have unsympathetic thoughts like, “What’s with these clinically depressed people? Just snap out of it! Just think outside yourself and be done with this crap.” But I see now that’s because I was very good at living inside my distractions and projections. Whereas in the past I would just distract myself with possessions, politics, leisure experiences, now I feel like I am almost always in the midst of discomfort. My path doesn’t seem to allow for side-stepping reality, or leaning on a savior to get me out of it. I have to deal with it head-on, and most of the time, I really really wish I didn’t have to (which typically results in me reverting back to old habits).

I don’t have any moral story to this comment, just sharing how your article resonated with me. Thanks, again, for being so honest in your article. I would be very easy for an arm-chair critic who doesn’t relate with your suffering to judge yelling at a crying baby, but you still very candidly share these experiences. And in doing so, you help many of us feel like our own struggles are not fought alone.

Take care, and be kind to yourself.

-Dennis
Mohammed Ali

Dec 01 10, 1:16 pm PDT

31
I think it takes courage to look at the not-so-bright side inside us (which we all have), talk about it, and then work towards growing into a better human. That to me is inspiring! I can’t say I have that courage, and it’s something I need to work on.

I know you’re going to be a great parent.

thanks & take care,
Mohammed Ali
Storage Toronto

Dec 10 10, 12:04 am PDT

32
Tina!
Thanks for the wonderful insight into early child parenting. I have been reading up a lot on this lately because we are about to have a little baby girl of our own. I feel so overwhelmed with it sometimes, i’m not sure where to even start.

Do you have tips for a soon to be parent?
Marie
Jan 31 11, 7:42 am PDT

33
I love that final line you wrote. It’s almost poetry. :)
Tess
Feb 27 11, 12:33 am PDT

34
This happened to me too, today, and I think does happen to the best of us at times. Thank you for an uplifting and inspirational read when I needed it.
mick
Mar 02 11, 1:38 am PDT

35
any sites like this for fathers..my family is not having a happy time as I can’t get anything out without yelling it
Sayward
Apr 15 11, 8:57 am PDT

36
I “roared” in frustration, truly roared, for the first time this morning. I turned away and let it out, and when I turned back my boy was crying. It broke my heart that I lost control and scared him, and I was so filled with guilt. I remembered reading this article when you wrote it.

*Thank You* I really needed to read it again, today.
steve werner

Nov 10 11, 4:14 am PDT

37
Never to late to change.

I have to disagree though, most parents don’t have it together.

Learn to let your child fail often. Failure builds success. Our job as parents is to give our children every tool to be successful. Not to provide for their success.

I’m sure you are a great parent.

SW
Robert
Jan 04 12, 9:16 am PDT

38
So so inspirational readings…, Bt hwever much i peruz thru such writings i cant find kind words 4 sme one who gave life to me. Think i need help bcoz am evn finding it almost imposible to trust women.
Jadah {family sponge}

Jan 06 12, 6:35 pm PDT

39
What a perfect self-reflection. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I have a 4 year old daughter, and I have been in those moments of yelling and guilt and impatience. I take parenting seriously, and I keep it together way more in public. I always admit to my friends that chaos can ensue behind closed doors in my home. The most helpful thing for me has been to apologize to my daughter when I am in the wrong. This is the perfect way to teach empathy and model how to apologize. My daughter and I exchange many apologies with one another. We talk about loud voices and feeling angry. I always let her know, “that was not an appropriate choice mommy made. What choice can I make next time when we are trying to go to school and you don’t want to put your shoes on.” (just one example). Her replies have been, “next time I’ll listen,” or, “maybe you can squeeze that small squishy ball when you are angry.” I gave her a stress ball for her to use when she is feeling angry. Looks like mommies need stress balls too. :-)
Sleeping Mama

Feb 07 12, 10:11 am PDT

40
A similar scene happened to me when my little guy was about 8 weeks old (he’s now two). He wouldn’t stop crying and he wouldn’t take his nap. And I yelled at him… LOUD. Of course it did nothing to pacify him; his cry not only got louder but his cry said, “I’m scared.” I felt so terrible that he would be scared and that I was the cause of it.

Ever since that day I also vowed never to yell at him, and so far I haven’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t get upset, or that I don’t sometimes throw attitude his way and show frustration. But I’ve never gone back to that anger where he felt unsafe or frightened around me. I couldn’t bear to see his little face crying out in fear and I told myself never again will I let that happen.

What did I change? Mostly I accepted that life isn’t the same as before he was born. It’s harder and I have less free time. Prior to that, I tried to be everything: a mom that still has the luxury of time and less obligations as before. I accepted that that wasn’t the case anymore.

I also try to look at things from his perspective and where he is developmentally. He cried because he has no words. He doesn’t understand many of the things that we easily do because of decades of living. I’ve grown more empathetic about his feelings, and this helps put me in check whenever I feel frustration boiling.

And lastly I’m truly grateful. I read stories about children with far larger problems than the ones I experience. My boy is healthy and is loved. And other than this moment, we have so many more that are wonderful.

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Lessons to my children…..How to survive life, and the tools you need to do it. « K8's Krazy Thoughts - Oct 29 10

Think Simple Now. Happiness and Happy Life

A Story of Parenting & Happiness

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