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The Art of Happiness

happiness gala darling
Photo of Gala Darling by Chloe

By Tina Su

One of the toughest challenges to being a new parent is the realization of how little free time you actually have.

During the first few weeks of Ryan’s arrival at home, my day would consist of diaper changes, feeding, burping, breast pumping, holding, rocking, shushing – and the cycle repeats itself until my husband comes home. On many days, finding time for a shower becomes a challenge in itself.

And if I’m lucky, when he’s napping, I’ll have an hour or two to run to the bathroom, wash all my breast pump parts and get something to eat. On my most productive days, my accomplishments include getting the dishes done, or a trip to the grocery store.

This has been my life for the past six months. And what I described above is only a small portion of the challenges we’ve face. Other challenges include sleep deprivation, maintaining romantic relationships, and colic (3+ hours of non-stop crying every evening for several weeks).

What I realized is that we as a society really don’t give enough credit to the fulltime moms and dads in the world. It is really one of the toughest things one could experience, yet, it is one of those things we can’t anticipate or truly understand until we’re going through it.

Because my hands are constantly full (literally), I am behind on everything else, like cleaning the house, doing laundry, answering email and what feels like an endless list of action items.

Now that Ryan is a little bit older, whenever he is not eating or napping, I find myself putting him down on a play mat or swing, almost habitually, so I can catch up and get more things done. But in doing so, I wasn’t really participating with him when he was awake.

ryan-5months.jpg
Ryan at 5 months. See more photos on facebook.

My mind felt noisy, cluttered and frazzled. I felt as if I was drowning in a sea of todos… ahhhh!!!!!!

One day a few weeks ago, as I was rushing to getting some work done on the computer, I heard Ryan making these ridiculously adorable sounds with his mouth as he lay on a blanket next to my desk.

I tried to ignore it, so I could finish what I was doing, but then in that moment, I realized that I was missing out on being with my baby and witnessing the precious developmental moments. I turned off the computer and started playing with Ryan with all my attention.

I realized that I had allowed the list of action items to dictate how I was living my life. I became so focused on getting things done, that I was no longer focused on being with my baby son, even though he is with me physically.

I realized that work will always be there, and that it is never ending if I allow it to be. I realized that my own happiness and spending time being with my family are the most important priorities. And now, I choose to be with my son, to give him my full attention, to witness the pure bliss that babies radiate. Everything else can wait.

It’s like when we’re busy being busy, we miss the beautiful details of our life, and we take for granted the things that mean the most to us.

If today was the last day of your life, would you be doing what you’ve been so busy trying to get done? Or would you be spending deliciously intimate time with the people you loved? Or doing something so satisfying for your soul that you know in your heart that life was meant to be joyful.

The Direct Route to Happiness

It’s easy to get caught up with the never ending todo lists, or the demands of other people wanting your time, or the guilt of things you think you “should” be doing.

But if we take a moment to slow down, to reflect, to clear our minds, we will realize that many of the things we do, and many of the things that seemingly cause us stress do not add any value to our wellbeing.


At the end of the day, ask yourself, “What do I want?” and the answer is likely a derivative of “I want to be happy.“

So instead of being busy, instead of doing, instead of rushing to get there, just decide to be happy, right Now!

Make the feeling of Joy and Happiness your primary focus as you walk through your day, regardless of what you are doing.

Focus on things that make you feel good. Focus on the goodness and blessings in your life. Look for things to be appreciative of, and mentally point out all that you are thankful for in any moment.

If you catch yourself feeling stressed out or overwhelmed, stop what you are doing and (optionally) close your eyes. Take a few deep breathes – fully inhale and slowly exhale – and ask yourself, “I want to feel good. What can I do right now to feel good?” and focus on feeling good and follow your inner voice.

The other day, I felt distracted and pressured, and then I asked myself what I wanted to do at that moment, and my inner voice said to play the song Sweet Lullaby by Deep Forest. For me, the song represents hope, inspiration and adventure.

I instantly felt upbeat and started dancing to its tunes in my office. A sense of relief washed over me physically and calmed my emotional being. I felt refreshed right away. In that moment, I came away with the following realization:

“Stop doing what you think you should be doing.
Do what you want to do, do what makes you feel good,
do what you feel inspired to do.
Remember that in your world, you make up the rules.
Stress is optional.“
~ Tina Su

… So, this is my new motto.

Try it out.

Let me know how it works for you.

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41 Responses (38 Comments, 3 Trackbacks ):

Comments

  1. Harsha

    Jun 22 10, 11:07 am PDT

    1

    Ryan is SOOO cute

  2. Cath Lawson

    Jun 22 10, 12:24 pm PDT

    2

    Hi Tina – What you say is so true. I have been there myself but I didn’t waken up as quickly as you did. When my kids were small, I barely saw them because I was working. Eventually, I asked myself the same question as you – “If this was the last day of my life, would I be glad that I spent it like this.”

    And the answer was a definite no. Work will always be there but Ryan won’t be a baby for long. Enjoy it while you can.

  3. Ray

    Jun 22 10, 1:02 pm PDT

    3

    handsome little boy :)

  4. Positively Present

    Jun 22 10, 1:41 pm PDT

    4

    Love that new motto of yours! It’s fantastic!! :) Thank you for sharing your experiences and inspiring thoughts here.

  5. Uzma

    Jun 22 10, 2:40 pm PDT

    5

    Dear Tina,
    That was such a simple and beautiful article. The beauty is in being isn’t it? Joy and happiness should be our focus and it is our world so we can make our rules. Am stuck somewhere where you are? Get to work or be with a loved one and family as he recovers. I seem to be getting the same message from your blog and another one I read today. …Be in the moment, don’t create work , find the joy. Thank u for this.

  6. Devan

    Jun 22 10, 4:27 pm PDT

    6

    Hahaha – you have an uncanny art for distilling the true message and delivering it in such an enlightening way Tina.

    Thank you for this timely reminder that I need to be present for my kids a lot more. Our boys are a bit older now, but they still need us to ‘be there’ 100% for them on a regular basis.

    When I finish this sentence, the computer goes ‘off’ and I go out to play with them in the yard… :)

  7. Parker Lee | howtomingle.com

    Jun 22 10, 4:31 pm PDT

    7

    Hi Tina,

    I’m glad to finally read an article by you once again :)

    As a natural leader and go getter, I must admit that I’d most likely be in your same situation and might even hire a baby sitter to take care of my future new born to get work done–God forbid.

    I’m glad you can share this so that I can learn from it…

    All the best,

    –Parker

  8. Allegra

    Jun 22 10, 4:34 pm PDT

    8

    I’m so sorry to hear that Ryan has colic. If you try using a baby carrier that might help him. A friend of mines baby had colic and she started carrying him in an Ergo baby carrier and it did not cure it but her baby wasn’t as sleep deprived and fussy. Anyways, I LOVED when you said moms and dads don’t get enough credit, so true! Ryan is darling btw.

  9. div

    Jun 23 10, 2:19 am PDT

    9

    Superb article…………. Always make yourself happy………. Listen to your heart…….. and you will be happy……….Trust Me……… It Works……….. :)

  10. Ivan

    Jun 23 10, 3:06 am PDT

    10

    Hey Tina great to see you back :)…Ryan is adorable…congrats…wishing you the best on the phase of your journey…be well :)

  11. Charley Forness

    Jun 23 10, 3:13 am PDT

    11

    Hi Tina,

    I can very much relate to your article. My wife and I were blessed a year ago with baby triplets. So, you can imagine the chaotic moments times 3. Babies don’t all nap at once…ever. They want to eat at different times, they are fussy at different times, etc.

    It is impossible to plan any substantive to do list so we stopped bothering.

    I work a 60 hours a week plus job, plus am a landlord for six buildings, front a band and write on my blog three times a week.

    ALL OF THAT, gets put on hold if my children need me.

    You HAVE to be able to multitask sometimes and you also have to be willing to let the chores go to spend time and care for your children.

    I do very much love your personal motto. It is perfectly correct and I wonder sometimes how people like myself who get caught up working two decades in the corporate world doing something they utterly dislike just for a paycheck to support a lifestyle are any better than the stoner who sits on the couch all day doing nothing….I think that I am a great deal worse than that person because at least the stoner is doing something they enjoy.

    But since my family of five now depends on my sole income, I have to build my passions when the children are in bed for the night, or when I squirrel myself away from my coworkers for my lunch hour. You find your pockets of time to do what you need to do.

    We all have the same 24 hour blocks and we all fill each moment doing something, whether that is mopping the floor, tickling a baby, or staring at your navel sitting on the couch.

    Many thanks again for your thoughtful article,

    - Charley

  12. Jytte

    Jun 23 10, 5:44 am PDT

    12

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience as a new mother. I have recently become pregnant and you have given me something to think aobut!

  13. Misty

    Jun 23 10, 6:43 am PDT

    13

    I often forward your articles to my family and friends. This one hit home today and truly brought tears to my eyes when the realization of this truth hit me. I loved reading it. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for sharing such inspiring wisdom, Tina. You’re the best!

  14. Sarah@Mocha

    Jun 23 10, 6:46 am PDT

    14

    Thank you for such an inspiring article. Sometimes you just need to stop and think what’s really important in your life.

    Enjoy spending this precious time with Ryan.

  15. Martin Wildam

    Jun 23 10, 7:55 am PDT

    15

    “Do what you want to do, do what makes you feel good,
    do what you feel inspired to do.” – Well, do you feel good and inspired by changing diapers? – Well, maybe the first 50 times it can be something you can use for personal development, but I guess after 250 changed diapers you learned everything that is to be learned from changing diapers.

    And I can’t imagine who only to do what inspires me, when children decide other. Currently our old can tell that toilet session needed but you need to run to help him – could be while the other one is crying because hungry.

    No, stress is not an optional and it does not solely depend on yourself.

  16. Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul

    Jun 23 10, 9:14 am PDT

    16

    Love the article, Tina! It’s funny – I had an almost opposite experience of new motherhood. I knew I “should” find my new little baby endlessly fascinating, but my goodness … I just wanted to WORK! That was what I really WANTED to do.

    It took me about two years to get over the guilt of loving my business. Now I have structured motherhood in a way that is fulfilling to me as both an entrepreneur AND mom.

    Blessings,
    Andrea

  17. Carrie

    Jun 23 10, 9:51 am PDT

    17

    WOW! This was inspiring – I found it through http://www.yousimplified.net. I am a mother of 3 (the oldest isn’t quite 4), and as I am reading your article, I was seeing my past week. Over the past few months I have been running myself ragged, my daughter would want me to read her a book, and I would keep saying later, later – I have to make dinner, I have to clean, I have to get this done. Finally – the look of sadness made me think – how would I feel if my mother didn’t have “time” for me. I stopped, and started doing what your article said. Being in the moment. The girls and I gardened together, we went to the park, read books in the library. You know what – I have those moments now, I remember what I did – vs. the routine of trying to have a spotless house. The dustbunnies will be there when the kids are older. Thanks for the inspiration!

  18. Diana

    Jun 23 10, 11:27 am PDT

    18

    My son is 6 months old. Up until his birth, I worked full time from home. I still blog and do some freelance writing. I *completely* related to your post!! It’s sometimes difficult to remember what things are truly important and what things we attribute importance to that really don’t matter much at all in the grand scheme of life. It may be a morbid way to look at it, but I like to think it like this: When I’m on my death bed, will I bemoan not finishing the dishes that one day back when I was 27 or will I be grateful that I gave my son all the love and attention I have to give?

  19. Melyssa

    Jun 23 10, 12:06 pm PDT

    19

    Hi Tina,

    I found your article on finding true love several months ago and was totally moved and inspired. You have a truly magical way with words and your article moved me as have the others that I read subsequently. The past couple of years have been painful and sad: my parents died and I discovered them, my marriage has foundered, I lost my job and and I am losing my family home. I found myself searching for some anchor to hang onto and your website has been very helpful to me. More than anything, I want to find the happiness that you discuss in this post. I don’t want to merely survive, but to thrive. Sometimes it shocks me to realize that there are people in this world who don’t want that for me, but I try not to let that stop me. So thank you for writing so honestly and movingly; I wish there were more genuine people like you in this world.

    By the way, your son is so beautiful and precious; you are truly blessed.

    Thanks again,
    Melyssa

  20. Free Spirit

    Jun 23 10, 12:14 pm PDT

    20

    If this was true I would never pay my bills and only go to work when I felt like it. When my child cries I would ignore him if only I could…Oh the theories just never work in my actual life. :(

  21. Nathalie Lussier

    Jun 23 10, 3:33 pm PDT

    21

    I love your quote Tina. I think you’re doing a fantastic job raising your little boy. And he’s so incredibly adorable too!

    I’ve read a lot about the frazzled mom thing… maybe we just have such high expectations of continuing with what we used to get done before having children.

    Kudos to you for finding a way that makes you happy, and Ryan too – I’m sure! :) *big hugs*

  22. Kishore

    Jun 23 10, 5:36 pm PDT

    22

    Nice post …and Ryan is cute :)

  23. Jenny

    Jun 24 10, 6:45 pm PDT

    23

    So cute little guy!

    admire you to be a mom.

  24. Michaela

    Jun 25 10, 6:08 am PDT

    24

    Thank you for sharing this. I always need to be reminded of being in the moment…especially when it comes to being with my kids. Take the time and enjoy it, you’ll never get it back. That’s for sure. Love your new mantra.

  25. Jared

    Jun 28 10, 10:34 am PDT

    25

    Great article.

    When I was a server, I learned that if you wanted to look busy–and be left alone–just carry around a ketchup bottle and act like you were going somewhere.

    After serious work and soul-searching, I realized acting busy all the time was a way in which I could avoid depending on anyone else or asking for help. If I was completely self-reliant, I was less like to experience rejection.

    Doing something doesn’t necessarily equate to accomplishing anything of value. My father retired 2 years ago, two days ago, at the age of 65, we learned he has terminal cancer. That sucks. But, I have also learned to accept that to my father, providing and being known as a “hard worker” was important to him.

  26. Scott Dinsmore

    Jun 29 10, 12:30 pm PDT

    26

    Thanks for filling us in on some of the personal side of things Tina. Getting caught up in “busy” is so easy yet so unfulfilling. It’s like if I sit in front of my inbox and start to reply to emails. I could sit there all day and just work through them one by one, but is life really that much brighter when I’m done? Wouldn’t I rather be on the phone or in person having a tea? I’d say the answer is Yes. It’s just easy to forget that in the moment. Way to catch yourself! This is the perfect article to lead into the next post on Finding Peace In a Busy Life. Nice fit ;)

    Love you’re quote too.

    Ryan is adorable by the way!

    Here’s to noticing the truly important things and doing them a bit more often.

    I am off to a dance lesson with my fiancee (despite the pile of work and email I just mentioned). I think there’ll be time for those later…

    -Scott

  27. Scott Dinsmore

    Jun 29 10, 12:34 pm PDT

    27

    By the way. Your suggestion to spend your time on the things that make you most happy reminds me of Richard Koch’s famous 80/20 Principle, which Tim Ferris adapted and made into a way of life. Find the 20% of things/people/actions in your life that provide you with 80% of your happiness and just do those. Life will be grand as a result. I recently wrote a summary on Richard’s philosophy as well as an interview with him on ReadingForYourSuccess if anyone’s interested.

    Enjoy,
    Scott

  28. CoriC

    Jun 30 10, 11:48 pm PDT

    28

    Hi Tina,
    Can totally empathise, except it was our second daughter who had the colic so we struggled with trying to give attention to two little girls at once. I love how you mentioned that it was a task to even manage to get to have a shower – that was my life too. But it will pass and the best thing is to live each day, rather than wish the bad days away because I’m sure we’ll just look back and wish for them to be children again at some stage. It’s all easy to say in hindsight I suppose.

    I now work fulltime again, but try to do as much as I can with the girls after work and at weekends. The housework suffers as a result, but last night I decided to have an inpromptu movie night with the two of them snuggled up beside me, instead of clearing up the kitchen and I’m sure they appreciated that more – as did I. The kitchen can wait – in fact it only took 15 minutes once they were in bed, but they got 1.5 hours of snuggle time.

    I think you need to throw caution to the wind as much as you can – do the messy stuff – baking, painting, plant stuff and try not to worry about the more mundane things like house/work.

  29. rena c. campbell

    Jul 01 10, 5:56 pm PDT

    29

    Hello there Tina, I feel one of the great privileges in life is to be given the honor of raising a baby to adulthood. If you are not raising them, then someone else certainly is. I remember going to my friends name celebration of their baby daughter which is a Jewish custom. The Rabi spoke of the privilege that was bestowed on them (the parents) of raising this little being, this “spirit”. I left that gathering forever changed with an enlightened level of respect for all my parents had done for me.
    I am sure if Mother Earth could have the microphone she would say
    a huge thank you to all you parents raising children. Healthy people = Healthy planet.
    As far as colic is concerned I thought that a well qualified baby chiropractor can help with that problem. I know of one M.D. / Osteopath , extremely unique, Dr. Greg Blaney, here in the Northwest. Maybe his office would be able to refer you to someone in your area if this approach interests you.
    ~rc

  30. Alicia

    Jul 06 10, 7:16 pm PDT

    30

    Exactly… there is no excuse to let beautiful and precious moments passed us by just because we MUST finish that item on the to-do list. At the end of the day, it’s the moments with people that keeps me feeling alive and happy. =)

  31. shaimaa

    Jul 11 10, 6:47 am PDT

    31

    i like it too much..thank you :)

  32. Core Fitness: James Thompson

    Jul 18 10, 11:12 am PDT

    32

    I don’t have a child yet, but will sometime, I’m sure. This post really puts it into perspective for me. Congratulations too by the way.

  33. li

    Jul 19 10, 8:31 am PDT

    33

    love. this. post.

    i think, particularly about the “not knowing what its like till you do it” thing, one other issue came up for me. i had an expectation of what parenting was going to be. and it was not like that at all!

    so please don’t stress yourself out. your life is now completely different than it was before. at times it will feel completely overwhelming (and it will be!) don’t hold yourself to your former standards (i was my own worst critic in this regard). relish in your inability to get as much done as you did before. be willing to change your daily list of things to do into a general weekly goal.

    be gentle with yourself. breathe. find those quiet moments (although you probably won’t know about those until after you stop being sleep deprived) and be fully in them.

    and blink, and 5 years will have gone by.

    best –
    li

  34. Laura

    Jul 26 10, 10:49 am PDT

    34

    What a cute little boy! Can’t say I’m quite ready for one yet, but maybe someday!

  35. Willy

    Sep 09 10, 12:31 pm PDT

    35

    Hi Tina,
    I’m so happy you discovered the true beauty that your son shows you. Like you said anything else can wait, work will never end…how hard you try. And if you think you don’t have time to spend with your son, just remember: You never will have more time in you whole live then right at this moment.

    Bless you

  36. The Art Of Happiness

    May 15 11, 8:06 pm PDT

    36

    Great article. It is truly finding what really makes us happy that’s important in our life.

  37. Darwin

    Jul 06 11, 3:03 pm PDT

    37

    Wow!!

    Great article Tina, It’s so funny, I have a 1-year-old cousin named Ryan as well. You’re so right, I mean, happiness is a choice: we either DECIDE to be happy or not, it’s our choice.

    Cheers! =)

  38. Kerry Amoruso

    Jul 28 11, 7:08 am PDT

    38

    I like what you guys are up too. Such smart work and reporting! Keep up the superb works guys I have incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it will improve the value of my website :).

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