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I’m Sorry, I Don’t Know, I Can’t …

Photo by Vanessa Paxton

I find myself blurting out I don’t know as an instant answer to questions I don’t have immediate answers for. Lately, I’ve been noting how these simple words made me feel, and I’m starting to take notice that on some level, these casual words are effecting my emotions and self-esteem.

Saying I don’t know, I’m sorry, I can’t and “I don’t want to but have to” are slowly changing my mindset. Through my observations, I’ve noticed how common it is to use these popular phrases without giving them a second thought.

Do you find yourself saying the words I’m sorry or I don’t know often? Did you know that this over-sighted language pattern is actually limiting our potential to happiness and ultimately getting what we want?

Let’s have a closer look at each one and notice their effect in our internal mental space. Let’s, also, consider some alternative phrases we can use in their place, which are more conducive to our personal growth.

Before diving in, let’s point out a few things about our unconscious mind.


Our Hidden Gold Mine: The Unconscious Mind

We function as a result of the beautiful harmony between our conscious and unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is the master mind hidden away from our awareness. It is a powerhouse of unlimited potential. Our unconscious mind stores the majority of information in our brains, and can process much more data simultaneously (about 2 billion times more) than the conscious mind.

We believe that our conscious mind controls everything, because it is the only brain we are acutely aware of. And we commonly associate our conscious mind as “me”.

If our conscious mind is indeed “in control” as we believe, then why do we sign up for gym memberships after new years and never go? Why it is that even after we’ve decided on something we really want (like a new hobby), we fail to take action on it?

While our conscious mind is the captain of our ship, our unconscious mind is the guys in the engine room, making the ship run. The ship moves because of the work done by these engine room guys. They listen to the commands from the captain, without question. They are exceptional at taking commands and executing them.

Since the conscious mind has limited capacity and can only become aware of a very limited set of information, our unconscious mind only surfaces what we consider important. How does the unconscious mind know what’s important? It doesn’t. The unconscious mind determines this based on the frequency of commands it receives of the same topic from the conscious mind.

Each time we have a conscious thought, or we verbalize words aloud, or see a scene in our imagination, it gets fed into our unconscious mind. Like a command from the captain, whether it is our intention or not, the command gets executed in some form; it leaves an impression on the unconscious mind.

This explains why when we are shopping for a particular type of car, we start to notice it everywhere. We have given this car repeated conscious attention. Our unconscious mind noted it as being important and begins to surface this information whenever possible.

In summary, what we say gets noted by our unconscious mind, all the time. It then shows you more evidence to back up those thoughts. This is true for both thoughts which are conducive and un-conducive to our wellbeing.

Okay, let’s dive in!



I’m Sorry

We’re all familiar with and have casually used this in our daily communications. Here are some variations:

  • I’m Sorry but…
  • I’m Sorry
  • Sorry about that

When we reply to an email two days after receiving it, many of us insist on starting the email with I’m sorry. Now consider this: have we done something wrong? Do we really feel sorry? Or are we just repeating a popular saying? What are we gaining as a result of saying this?

Try this: close your eyes. Repeat the words “I’m sorry” in your imagination. You can even say it out aloud. Now, observe your feelings. Do you feel a tightness subtly bunching up in the pit of your stomach? Or a light pull along your inner throat? Do you sense feelings of guilt?

Now imagine that this feeling of guilt is triggered in us each time we say the words “I’m sorry”, even when casually used. Remember how our unconscious mind takes orders of what we say? If we repeatedly tell it that we are sorry for trivial things, then it will note down that we have done something wrong, thus polluting our internal space, unnecessarily.

Additionally, we’ve created an association between that feeling and the action taken. So, if we repeatedly say I’m sorry each time we reply to emails after 2 days, then we’ve programmed ourselves to feel guilt whenever we do not respond to emails immediately.

Lastly, the more we repeat these words, the more we dilute their meaning. People are incredibly sensitive creatures, and can sense when we don’t genuinely feel sorry. This may come off as insincere to them. So we’re better off by not saying it. I recommend we reserve the words I’m sorry to situations when we really mean it, and need it to express our genuine feelings.

Suggested Action Items:

  • Observe yourself in your daily life and see how often you want to say “I’m sorry”.
  • Each time you type “I’m sorry” in an email or catch yourself saying it, ask yourself, “Do I really feel sorry? Or am I just saying it?” If the answer is “I’m just staying it to sound good”, erase it from the email.
  • Try to reduce the frequency of saying I’m sorry. Reserve it for when you really mean it. Reserve it for when you truly feel sorry for something you have done that may have hurt another.


I Don’t Know [Part 1]

When it comes to making a decision, we are often caught saying I don’t know. It’s a popular answer because we get lazy and we have conditioned ourselves to the habit of saying it. Here are some variations:

  • I don’t know where it is
  • I don’t know what to do
  • I don’t know which to choose
  • I can’t decide
  • I don’t know

Kara Pecknold Bored Bordom Table Woman Sitting
Photo by Kara Pecknold

There is a difference between truly not knowing something and believing that you don’t know something. There’s also the connotation that you do not have the ability to decide or to learn something new. These words are repeated so causally that we start to rely on them out of laziness and habit.

At times, even for the smallest decision, we would shrug and say “I dunno”. Why? Because it’s an easy answer. We don’t have to think.

Trivial decisions like, “Which type of pasta should I order for lunch?”, “Which color should I get?” I have personally been caught saying I don’t know during similar scenarios. You’re not alone.

While saying this is the easy way out, it is also conditioning us that indecision is okay. We end up leaving decisions open, while it consumes our mental energy, unnecessarily.

Often times, we have the answer, but we are hesitant to repeat it out of fear that it might be the wrong decision. So instead, we say “I don’t know”.

Each time we use this casually, we are telling our unconscious mind that “I am an indecisive person. I am not very intelligent, because I cannot even decide on the simplest of choices. I am not capable of making a decision on important issues. I am not important.”

I am exaggerating here, but you get the point.

What we repeatedly do becomes our habits. And if we make a habit out of indecisiveness on small decisions, how will we react when we need to make important decisions in life, in business, or in relationships?

Being indecisive sends a similar message to the people around you. We tend to trust and rely on people who are decisive. It is a character strength; especially in business.

Suggested Action Items:

  • Replace “I don’t know” when making a decision with an alternative phrase. Come up with a list of such alternatives. Here are some ideas:
    • “Give me a moment, I have not decided yet.”
    • “Let me think about it.”
    • “I am evaluating my options.”
    • “Hmmm. Let me see…”
    • Action: List out the options and their pros and cons.
  • Practice repeating alternative phrases, so that we can internalize them and say them when appropriate in place of I don’t know.
  • Instead of wanting to fill space and silences with “I don’t know” when being asked a question, practice not saying anything immediately. Pause a moment before speaking.


I Don’t Know [Part 2]

The other type of I Don’t Knows, tend to imply our inability to do something. Here are some variations:

  • I don’t know how to …
  • I don’t see …
  • I don’t remember …

Again, we say this, because it’s easy. We throw our hands up in the air and simply declare that we don’t know. Often, we have given up before we even try.

Consider the following scenario:

Person A: “Where is the salt?”

Person B: “On the kitchen shelf.”

Person A: “I don’t see it.”

Person B walks to where person A is standing, reaches over where person A is looking, and pulls out the salt bottle. It was right in front of person A.

Have you been in such a scenario? I certainly have. Did person A truly not see the salt? Or did person A believe that she did not see the salt? Bingo!

Remember that our unconscious mind takes commands directly from our words? When we tell ourselves that we do not see something, we are passing the message to our unconscious mind in the form of a command. It proceeds accordingly and makes a note to stop passing anymore messages to the conscious mind when salt bottles are seen. Isn’t that funny?

Similarly, when we say “I can’t remember”, we are telling our unconscious mind to not let us know the answer, even though the unconscious mind remembers. So, while we have the memories stored in our unconscious mind, we have deliberately sent the command to not bring the memory to our awareness.

Suggested Action Items:

  • Practice rephrasing common non-conducive phrases to wordings that suggest possibilities. Here are some examples:
    • When you hear yourself saying , “I don’t see the salt anywhere on the shelf”, rephrase and ask yourself, “If I could see the salt, where would it be?”
    • When you want to say “I don’t remember where I put the keys?”, rephrase the question to “If I could remember, what would they be?”
    • Instead of saying “I don’t know how to.”, rephrase to “I have not learned how to do that yet, but I can learn.
    • Instead of saying “I can’t open this” rephrase to “If I could open this, how would I open it? Let me keep trying. I know I can do this!”
  • Practice repeating alternative phrases, and use them when appropriate. Turn the alternative phrasing into a habit.


I Can’t

This is such a common phrase that I too catch myself saying it, and it seems to slip out automatically before I even realize consciously. Here are some variations:

  • I can’t find it
  • I can’t do it
  • I can’t get it working
  • I can’t make it today
  • I can’t remember
  • I don’t have time …

Kara Pecknold Focus Shoes Red
Photo by Kara Pecknold

When we say I can’t do something, we’ve just declared impossibility as a definite answer. We are telling ourselves that we will never be able to do it, because we lack the necessary capabilities.

Similar to I don’t know, there is a difference between not being physically capable to do something, and mentally believing that we do not have what it takes to do it.

By saying we can’t do something, we are suggesting that we do not have the ability to learn, that we have given up, that we lack the potential that other gifted humans possess. Also, by saying things like “I can’t do it” or “I can’t find it” or “I can’t get it working”, we are denying ourselves of possibilities and solutions. We blind sight ourselves.

By saying we don’t have the time, we are impressing upon ourselves that we are very busy, making us feel important. It is an illusion. Yes, we may have a very full schedule, but when we say we don’t have time, it usually means that we just don’t want to do it. Not having enough time is an excuse. If it was important enough, we’d find the time. Besides, if we counted the total time we spent browsing the web, checking email, and watching TV, we would have more than enough time to fit in those things we just didn’t have time for.

One of my favorite quotes is, “If I can’t, then I must.” Try it, you’ll find that what you used to consider impossible suddenly becomes probably and very accessible.

Suggested Action Items:

  • Come up with alternative phrasings to popular I can’t phrases. Here are some examples:
    • Instead of saying “I can’t find it”, say “I have not seen it yet, l will keep looking.” or “If I could find it, where would it be?”
    • Instead of saying “I can’t get it working”, consider saying “It is not working yet, but I will keep trying until it works.” Or “I am still working on this. If you have a sec, will you help me?”
    • Instead of saying “I can’t make it today because…”, consider skipping out the excuses and give a firm but honest answer, “I am going to pass on it now, maybe next time? Thank you for inviting me. It means a lot.”
  • Stop telling others they can’t do something. Alternatives to “You can’t do that” are “I prefer you not to do that” or “I don’t recommend doing that because …” or “I tried it last time and it did not work for me, maybe it will work for you.”



I Have To

Saying I have to suggests that we do not have a choice, and that we are not in control of our lives. Here are some variations:

  • I have to finish this
  • I have to go to this event

For starters, you don’t have to do anything! You know that. The world will not come to an end if you don’t do something (in most cases). We feel like we have to for one of two reasons:

  1. It brings you pleasure/benefit. ie. Something you enjoy doing.
  2. It reduces pain. ie. Losing a job or friendship, or an excuse not to do something else.

Similar to I’m sorry, by suggesting that we have no choice but to do something, we introduce guilt in our inner space. For example, we don’t want to go to a party, but we feel pressure to do so, and if we do not go, we feel guilty. This guilt is really unnecessary.

We are in control of our lives, and instead of saying I have to, replace it with I want to, or I am doing something because here are the benefits it brings me. Maybe you don’t want to go to your friend’s baby shower, but you go to it, because it will make your friend very happy for her special occasion. Your attendance benefits you because it makes you feel good that you’ve made someone else happy.

If we have decided to do something that we would rather not be doing, instead of treating it like a chore or dragging it on with unpleasant thoughts, why not shift our perspective so that we can enjoy it? What benefit will it bring us by prolonging the unhappy thoughts and using the “I have to do this” excuse?

Suggested Action Items:

  • Instead of saying “I have to do this“, say “I want to do this” or “I am doing this because (insert benefits to you)”
  • If you don’t want to do something, instead of giving people excuses starting with “I’d love to but, I have to…“, just gracefully say “Thanks for the invite, but I am resting at home tonight.” Or “Thank you. I have plans tonight. Maybe next time.” (Note: a date with yourself at home count as plans.) You don’t owe anything to anybody. Be honest and do so with your head held high.


Parting Words

The language we use is incredibly powerful. It is a direct command into our unconscious mind. Whether we realize it or not, or it was spoken casually or not, our unconscious mind is listening. Your unconscious mind takes notes even when you’re not paying attention.

While this article focused specifically on language, the same principle is applicable to other sensory inputs. Inputs such as the movies we watch, the clothes we wear, the thoughts we repeatedly iterate in our minds, the day dreams we have, the types of books and blogs we’re reading. They all get fed into our unconscious mind as input and treated as commands.

“Your beliefs don’t simply reflect your reality, they create your reality.”

Our unconscious mind is a magnificent tool, and learning to take advantage of its functions can help us achieve our goals and to live the life that we desire. As fluffy as that may sound, it is true. These are all examples from my own life, and I hope you find these (possibly new) ideas useful in your own life. Adapt them, give them your own twist, live it and pass it on.

What are some alternative phrases you can suggest to I don’t know, I’m sorry, I can’t, I have to? Any other thoughts you want to share with us? Talk to us below in the comments! See you there!

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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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81 thoughts on I’m Sorry, I Don’t Know, I Can’t …

  1. Great read! I really enjoyed it. I’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff lately… this article really cleared my thoughts. :)

  2. Jenneke

    I recently became aware of the website (where I found this article) AND I am European so you might understand that I am not always up to par with the accepted views out here. It seems to puzzle us non American or non-Anglo-Saxon/British people why it is a such difficult thing to speak one’s mind? There seem to be circumstances in which you’d be better not to (diplomatic situations, negotiations, family), but why say you’re sorry if you are not? Some managementgoeroes tell us it might help if you let people know you understand their feelings, and react to those feelings and explain why you did what you did or said. It might make you feel better and at the same time would ackownlodge the other one’s problem. The ‘thanks for your patience’ -idea Bridey offered..Would this be a way to explore?

  3. Omar

    I don’t know, I guess I have to stop saying these things, but I’m sorry, I just can’t.

  4. Kate

    Does anyone else remember “Psycho-cybernetics” or “The Power of Positive Thinking”? They’ve been around a long time, but the ideas are still valid. I use affirmations every day, and they help a lot – I just have such a long way to go!

  5. I’m a big-time abuser of “I’m sorry.” I do love using it when it will disarm people, though. Apologizing to someone who wants to argue and scream with you can really turn the tables.

    I think we can squeeze a lot of juice out of the word “yet.” I can’t find it… yet. I don’t know… yet. It’s an optimistic word in my lexicon.

    Also, we can get some mileage out of feeling freedom instead of stress or guilt when we use “I can’t” or “I don’t know” appropriately. What would happen if you smiled and took a breath everytime you said, “I can’t”? I’m not condoning mental laziness (which I’m totally guilty of from time to time), just searching for a way to take the negative aspects you discussed out of the picture in appropriate circumstances.

  6. what a great site – i just found this today and i will spend a lot of time over the next few days going over your old posts. beautiful, useful writing :-)

  7. great article – dugg and stumbled.

  8. Shawn L.

    Admittingly, I am a lazy reader, but I think that most people are – (any interesting photos? any relevant lists? any cool eye popping logos? how about lists of relevant logos with eye popping photos?) Its 12:37 a.m. and I am tired from the eliptical; I am a far better reader AND WRITER in the afternoon after a nap and tea. I did not read the article word for word….but it seemed to be very well written, organized, it flows, etc. But, aren’t blogs suppose to be more like mind candy and edutainment than a grad paper? No references? No links? No mention of any relevant theorists? No daily quips or newsworthy hooks?

    Perhaps this blog has a devoted following of the same 20-30 people and that is all that is desired. Huffington can be a bit wild on the eyes, and probably has a staff of a thousand worker bees…I appreciate the few making their mark and I hope that my commentary is either recycled immediately along with unattractive spam, or at least understood to be constructive. I like Evelyn’s poem, or whoever wrote it….I can only guess – but she gets the relevant trophy of the week. My alternative phrase is perhaps less polite, but I find more efficient – simply “Unknown.” Call me lazy, many do.


    Thanks for leaving your mark and for sharing your thoughts Shawn. This is the most unique comment we have ever received. :)

    No, this isn’t a typical-formatted-short-blog style site. The posts are treated as articles that are (hopefully) applicable to everyday lives and can be referenced over and over again. Each article was crafted to have no timestamps attached, in-depths and practical. For this reason, and due to limited writing resources, we post no more than twice weekly.

    Thanks again for the note. Enjoyed reading it. :)


  9. Hi, Tina. Interesting article, thank you – and I’ve got a couple of comments, so I’ll space them out into a couple of comments. If you see what I mean. :)

    I’m interesting in this statement you made early on:

    >>”Our unconscious mind stores the majority of information in our brains, and can process much more data simultaneously (about 2 billion times more) than the conscious mind”.

    What’s the reference for this? I’d love to read the article….


    Hi Mikeachim,

    Good question. I got that from the book “The Answer“, and they have a ton of references to sources of where they gathered their data from.

    I had removed the actual numbers from this article’s draft, but here it is if you need it:

    The unconscious brain can process 400 billion bits of information per second, and can simultaneously process million of bits. It is housed in 83% of our brain mass, and controls 96-98% of our perception and behavior.

    In comparison, the conscious brain can process 200 bits of information per second, and can simultaneously process 2-3 bits. It is housed in 17% of our brain mass, and controls 2-4% of our perception and behavior.


  10. Me again. :)

    I agree with you that we over-use “I’m sorry” and often tend to put it in as one of those placeholder phrases that are used meaninglessly, like “like” (because, like, a sentence is fine without, like, adding unnecessary words). And you’re on the money about “can’t” and “have to”. In an ideal world, we could all be completely honest and feel comfortable in saying “I don’t want to” as a response, most of the time (and “can’t” is real self-sabotage: convincing yourself that the boss of you isn’t you).

    But “I don’t know” is important. We need the honesty of “I don’t know”.

    We all know very little. All of us. Some more than others, but compared to what *can* be known, the sum of human knowledge is a vanishingly small speck on one page of a book in the library of Nature. That’s not devaluing human achievement, because we’re all astonishing. But a lot of the time, to function properly as human beings in a healthy cultural context, we need to be able to face up to our ignorance – just for a second. It’s a reality check. It’s wisdom. Socrates notes this when he says “As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.”

    “Not knowing” is an important thing to convey to other people, as quickly as possible. “I don’t know” does this quickly and honestly. I agree, it should always be the start of a process of “knowing” – an admission of ignorance without any attempt to fill the gap makes anybody look bad – but we shouldn’t get rid of this most useful of phrases. It’s healthy, humbling and truly charismatic. The Gordon Gecko style of big business thinking tells us that any sign of ignorance or hesitancy is the same as a sign of incompetence. This is bad psychology: everyone loathes a smartypants. :) (And everyone identifies with someone who admits they don’t know everything, but wants to. Furthermore, the good bosses and workers are the ones that don’t act hastily, and think things through).

    We shouldn’t try to use “self-spin” when it comes to our language. We don’t have to be afraid of facing the fact that, for a split second, we really don’t have the answer. Focusing on the next step (like saying “how will I find out?”) is next – but first, if we really, genuinely don’t know at that moment, we should say “I don’t know”.
    And then go and find the answer. :)

  11. Shawn L.

    I DONT KNOW what the standard phrase/cheer is for when someone writes a very good comment or response discussion piece….Sadly, I know standard compliments for poker and football. But, Mikeachim makes a good point – perhaps he is more of a pragmatist. I am anxious to read the counter, hopefully later today.

    This article and site goes beyond the standard definition of BLOG – OK now I see that. Thought provoking, informative, and helpful – far more functional = value = the need to come up with a NEW catchy acronym that represents the next level of such writing.


    Thank you Shawn! If you have suggestions for acronyms, I think we could coin a new phrase.

    This reminds me of when AJAX was coined, which describes a way to using existing technology.


  12. Making excuses is what the losers do. If you want to step ahead don’t be afraid to experiment. Even if you make a mistake you will learn from it and make sure that you do not repeat that mistake again in your other experiment.

    That’s my mantra.

  13. David

    Even when I believe it is too late, I am still searching. Even when I don’t see it, I come back to where I last saw it and find it. I saw Think Simple Now a few days ago, I gave it a quick glance with my conscious mind and went on to something else. My unconscious mind brought me back to it.

    I learned some time ago what was happening in my conscious mind because I thought I couldn’t see something and it was right in front of me.

    It was harder to learn it was also true about saying: “I’m sorry”, and “ I can’t”… and much more difficult to stop. Like living in a war zone and “I don’t know how,” and “I can’t” were like mortar rounds coming in on me. No place to hide, no way to escape.

    What you have written (and the comments) is like a medevac picking me up. I can heal.

    Thank you, and a well-designed blog, very stylish.

  14. Thanks for this extensive reminder of the power our words have on creating our reality.

  15. Thank you, Tina.
    For waking me up to the fact that I IN THE PAST was guilty of saying all the things you mentioned–‘I’m sorry’ in particular.

    Now I will try to use it only when I feel sorry, rather as an automatic response that makes me feel sorry/guilty/even more apologetic!

  16. I like the piece on “I’m sorry” becoming a verbal tick. I enjoy the way this post looks at the the ways that our language can unwittingly work against us, and the way that you can change that language to work in your favor. It reminds me of the way that with parenting, everything we say to kids has an underlying “You’re capable” or “You’re not capable” message. Thanks for the post.

  17. Oh yeah, I definitely say “I don’t know” on a regular basis. I’ve tried saying “I don’t know but let me find out” (a carryover habit from my corporate days) and it feels better to me. At least that way, I’m taking some action to remedy the situation :)

    Nice post!

  18. Hi Tina,

    Great Article.
    I think,You did lot of work to write this one.
    One may wonder how even these simple words can influence our life.
    Just like a garden,if we eliminate all the weeds and feed only the plants,our life will be a beautiful garden with wonderful results.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Best Wishes,
    Kannan Viswagandhi

  19. Very educating post. Mind set can really change one’s view.

  20. Great read. I like the way you write… Simple but powerful! Keep up the good work.

  21. Hi Tina, I love the careful look you’ve taken at “I Don’t Know.” For most of the instances you’ve outlined, I would have to agree with what you are suggesting. Your post, though, made me recall a positive use for “I don’t know” that is quite transformational.

    When you go looking in the subconscious mess, you can find lots of beliefs that we carry around, mostly beliefs about ourselves. When you bring those beliefs to awareness, you can ask yourself a very simple question: is this belief true? And the beauty is that quite often, you just don’t know.

    For instance, let’s say that you are quite negative about your looks. You believe, “I’m not very handsome.” So ask yourself: is it true? If you are at all open to the process, something inside begins to soften, and you realize, “I don’t know.” The belief will then begin to dissolve as if by magic. I don’t know is, after all, the truth about so much in life. We really don’t know.

    I’ve found that as I’ve embraced “I don’t know” amazing things have opened in my life. So, just some thoughts to share with you. Have a great day.

    And by the way, you really do have a great blog. :-)

  22. Man

    I feel that using the phrase ‘I’m Sorry’ is debatable some people just don’t want to use it in which case results in some form of rage that might kill. A simple ‘I’m Sorry’ even though you don’t mean it at first can make the other person feel much better. Why must every I’m Sorry counts, sometimes white lies are also good.

  23. Perhaps that urge or habit to say, “I’m Sorry” doesn’t elicit that feeling of guilt or sorrow. Maybe we have that feeling or belief of guilt, and it is just looking for an reason or excuse to be exercised.

    Good article on elevating your awareness of emotions.


  24. simple but smart, thanks for sharing.

  25. yes, it seems to be simple but how difficult!

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