The Secret to Self Loving

118 Comments

Photo by emma

This past year, I have come to appreciate the power of truly loving myself. Most of my life, being alone was one of my biggest fears. I found myself in numerous relationships for the wrong reasons and ended up settling in ill-fitting ‘partnerships’. This deeply rooted fear and lack of understanding of myself caused the relationships to become my whole world; my focus of attention; my center. I would sacrifice my own goals for the other person. And, when the relationship collapsed, so did my sense of self.

Through much introspection, I realized the source of these failed relationships was myself. I realized that I didn’t truly love or appreciate myself and had relied on external sources for love and approval. I decided to change. I had to overcome my fear of loneliness by finding independence and personal freedom. Even since I found true appreciation for myself, the quality of relationships I have attracted has been phenomenal. I have discovered that the more I loved and understood myself, the less I feared being by myself, and the more healthier relationships I was able to attract into my life.

I started doing what I called “Dates with myself“. Regardless my external relationship status, I would schedule time with myself. I would literally take myself out on a date and spend that time totally focused on myself. It’s my time. We spend so much time and energy focused on others that we forget to recharge the source of that energy. It is only when you are well that you can have the energy and internal resources to make a positive difference and help others. This is a simple, yet powerful concept that can dramatically improve your wellbeing, effectiveness and mental health.

Before attempting a ‘date with yourself’, Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Remove Disturbances - unplug your phone, power down the cell phone and blackberry, shut down the computer, turn off the tv. Do not let your mind get distracted during your self-date. This is your time to just be with yourself.
Being Solo - It’s important that you are on your own. You can talk to strangers, and make new friends, but you are on the self-date to get acquainted with yourself, no one else. If you live with a partner, schedule it so he/she isn’t home, or just take yourself out of the house. If you have kids, find a sitter, or plan around when your kids are not at home. It’s also important to realize that this time is a gift for yourself, and you should only be focused on your well-being.
Schedule - Plan how long you would like your dates to last. Set a minimum time, and commit to focus on yourself for at least that time. I typically schedule 2-4 hour dates with myself.
Communicate - if you are in a relationship, it’s important to communicate what you are doing and it’s benefits clearly with your partner. Not only do we get their support, but also avoid any misunderstandings or neglect.

Here are some ideas for ‘dates with yourself’. You can intermix several activities below into one date:

Reading Date - Go to a trendy café or find a comfortable place at home and read something inspirational for an hour or more. Have some hot herbal tea, cut up some fruits or crackers with cheese. Fully enjoy the experience.

Forgiveness & Gratitude Date - Find a comfortable spot. I like to sit on a bench overlooking the water at sunset, or curled up on the couch in my living room table surrounded by candles.
- Forgive - Write on a journal or loose paper all the things you forgive yourself for. We tend to be very harsh on ourselves, and voluntarily blame ourselves internally for failures, failures of achievement, failures to action, etc. Take this time to forgive yourself for all the harsh things said, for mistreatment of your health, etc.
- Gratitude - List out all the things in your life you are thankful for. This is my favorite thing to do.
- Admiration - List out all the things that others admire about you. What are some things they’d say that you are good at or have natural abilities towards? Notice that I wanted you to pretend to be another person looking at yourself. We tend to blank on this question when asking ourselves directly.
Musical Date - Take in a live concert after treating yourself to a healthy and satisfying meal. For example, every Thursday, I used to make myself a great raw vegetarian meal and then go to the Symphony. Did you know that you could get cheap single tickets in the first 4 rows? In Seattle, it’s $15 at Seattle Symphony. Most people are not aware of this. It’s not advertised.
Another idea is going to a jazz club or a show. Talk to strangers when you are there. You’ll find the experience much more rewarding.
Yoga or Meditation Date - Take a group yoga or meditation class at a local gym, community center, or temple. I used to do drop in classes at YMCA. They are $10 a class for non-members. After class, jump into the Jacuzzi if there is one. Come home, enjoy a light meal and relax for the evening.
Outdoors Date - Go for a long walk in an area that interests you. Go to a park, go camping, go for a long drive. I like to spend an hour on Sundays walking through the ‘pike place’ market (local farmer’s market) with my dog, Tommy. I enjoy seeing all the tourists, fresh produce and the energy in the market. I also like to walk along the waterfront. It’s a good idea to bring a book and some water with you. Wander without rushing.
Art & Culture - Go to an art gallery opening or a local museum. In Seattle, we have the art walk the first Thursday of every month where many galleries are open into the night. It’s very festive and inspiring, and I especially enjoy the people watching.

What do you do to center yourself? Let us know in the comments.

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon, vote for it on Digg or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

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118 Responses (95 Comments, 23 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Megan

Oct 31 07, 6:50 am PDT

1
I love your blog, and love how your energy just bursts through the screen! WOW! (Thanks to Holli Jo at Evolving Blueprint for recommending this site.)

I’ve bookmarked you and plan to become a regular reader. Thanks for sharing what you’ve learned! It’s awesome!
Adam

Oct 31 07, 7:05 am PDT

2
Beautiful post, Tina! I can only imagine that I would return to my girlfriend more loving and full of energy after a self-date. Even if I would rather have her participate. Keeping in touch with your own mind and spirit are so vital!
William Mize

Oct 31 07, 7:33 am PDT

3
A great post. Julia Cameron talks a great deal about these type of ‘dates’ in her book “The Artist’s Way”. Highly recommended.
Tina Su

Oct 31 07, 8:54 am PDT

4
Megan,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I appreciate you and your readership. Thanks for making me smile with your words. Love, Tina.

—–

Adam, my dear Adam. :) Thank you for your sweet comment. Don’t you go on self-dates every week to your hockey games? I bet that’s pretty centering.

“Keeping in touch with your own mind and spirit are so vital!” Indeed.

—

William Mize,

Oh really? Cool. I’ve heard about her book.. now I will have to add that book to my shopping cart. “The Artist’s Way”
Thanks for stopping by and for commenting! Much appreciated. :)
simon

Oct 31 07, 9:59 am PDT

5
love idea of self dating…
Jason

Oct 31 07, 11:19 am PDT

6
I agree… I depended on others for a long time, and now that I have real self-worth, rather than depending on others for my sense of worth, I’m much happier and stronger.

Funnily enough, my article from yesterday mentioned dates with yourself, too:
A Simple Way To Strengthen Your Family
Todd

Oct 31 07, 1:45 pm PDT

7
GREAT article Tina– I talk a lot about the benefits of spending one full day every couple of months in complete solitude/silence…and this is a wonderful article! keep it up!
Todd
Tina Su

Oct 31 07, 2:01 pm PDT

8
Simon, hehe.. me too! ‘Self dating’ the concept sounds so much better than being alone.. since the word ‘alone’ implies loneliness… which is not true. We only feel lonely if we choose to. It’s much in our minds.

—-

Jason, thanks for commenting. Yes, I saw your article earlier today. I’ve been meaning to comment but you beat me to it. :) Thanks for the link.

—–

Hi Todd!

Thanks for stopping by. “benefits of spending one full day every couple of months in complete solitude/silence” I agree with you. I do full day “dates” with myself periodically.. I call them “Spiritual days” …. I shall talk about them in a later post. I’ve benefited greatly from these days of centering and finding myself. It’s so rewarding that it’s really hard to describe the feeling in words. I can only express the benefits. :)

Thanks again!
Alex Shalman

Oct 31 07, 2:37 pm PDT

9
Hi Tina,

Amazing! This post really resonated with me (but you already know that).
Ryan

Oct 31 07, 3:03 pm PDT

10
Yes!! I have been doing this lately and it’s awesome! Taking the time to cultivate a healthy relationship with the self is so important yet often overlooked. I like taking walks or bike rides to clear my head and enjoy myself.

Also, when I’m out in clubs with friends, I’ll leave them for half hour or so and just go off to chill by myself in other parts of the club or go dance.

I realized that when you are by yourself, you welcome fun adventures with new people that you wouldn’t experience if you were closed off in your routine with old friends.

When I travel to other countries, I’m surprised at how many people travel alone for months at a time. It’s quite inspiring.
Tina Su

Oct 31 07, 5:02 pm PDT

11
Hi Alex! Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I already knew that.. hehehe..
Tina Su

Oct 31 07, 5:07 pm PDT

12
Hi Ryan,

I hear ya, I feel the same.
I started traveling by myself about two years ago, last year I spent a month on my own traveling through Tibet. It was a phenomenal experience, and I got to experience so much more because I was on my own. I met all sorts of people, who I wouldn’t have met had I been with a group.

You said it perfectly here: “when you are by yourself, you welcome fun adventures with new people that you wouldn’t experience if you were closed off in your routine with old friends.”

Here’s something my friend Lornie said to me at lunch today, which I found to be beautifully expressed, “I’m noticing that the more I understand myself, the more I can understand other people”.

Have a great one!
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

Oct 31 07, 8:11 pm PDT

13
Brilliant stuff, Tina, just as all the others said. A self-date! I normally just meditate at home, but will have to try some of your suggestions now. Thanks for the link back.
Chris Sharp
Nov 01 07, 12:36 am PDT

14
Tina,
You’re an inspiration. Thank you for this article. When time is taken deliberately for ourselves, it truly gives us back to ourselves and energizes us. Time passes with ease. Many a master has said that there’s really no one else out there. There’s only you - your own unique version. I agree with your friend Lorraine too. I feel the more we relax inside, we naturally relax in the presence of others - accepting, understanding, and appreciating.
Thank you once again! - Chris S.
Tina Su

Nov 01 07, 1:02 am PDT

15
Albert,

Thanks for stopping by. :)

—-

Chris,

Beautiful comment Chris! I appreciate it. I love how you expressed the topic with “I feel the more we relax inside, we naturally relax in the presence of others - accepting, understanding, and appreciating”

hmmm… I will note this down. Thank you for that, for your encouraging words and readership. :)
Raj

Nov 01 07, 3:37 am PDT

16
Hey lovely ideas! I tried a couple of dates with myself and they worked brilliant! I got much more out of em than I expected, thanx for this lovely article,,,,
Todd

Nov 01 07, 5:55 am PDT

17
Reminds me of the time when something will come up in the conversation that occurred long “before the time” of the person I’m speaking to.
I’ll preface my comment with “I may be dating myself”, ……and I get these “weird looks”. Cant imagine why…
Just how DO you get $15 seats in the first four rows?
Could this be arranged even in L.A.?
Tina Su

Nov 01 07, 2:32 pm PDT

18
Raj, thank you for the comment and kind words. :)

—–

Hiya Todd, you are so funny. I buy my tickets online for the Seattle Symphony, this way there’s the interactive seating charts, you can mouseover, see what’s available and it’s price.

Most people assume that tickets will be most expensive at the front, so they skip looking at the front completely. What people typically do is look at the prices in the middle area, and then at the back or balconies, and then find the cheapest tickets at the back.

For symphonies, some of the ‘music snobs’ may say that the sound is not the best at the very front and you are too close to the symphony musicians. This is why the most expensive tickets for symphonies starts at row 5 and moves towards the middle of the room. I can’t tell the difference between rows 3 and 6 and am happy to save $50. My goal for going isn’t to listen for mistakes, but rather to be with the music and being present.

Anyways, with that knowledge at hand, some symphonies will sell off the first four rows for super discounted prices equivalent to back of the room. You should check if you guys have that in LA. Lemme know!
Galba Bright at Tune up your EQ

Nov 01 07, 4:06 pm PDT

19
Hello Tina:

I like the fact that your suggestions are practical and action oriented. I am a serial reflector. There is, however, a massive difference between solitude and loneliness IMHO
AgentSully

Nov 01 07, 4:25 pm PDT

20
Very good article!
fran

Nov 01 07, 5:23 pm PDT

21
thanks a lot! :) I’m currently passing a difficult time, figuring out about my relationships (my boyfriend and friends), my life, myself…this really helps, I’ll start this weekend! again, thanks :)
ToddSchafer

Nov 01 07, 5:51 pm PDT

22
Dear Tina:
It would be good if you could respond to a comment, rather than just have all comments go at the bottom sequentially. Because I’m responding to the concert comment, it doesnt look as “flowing” down here. If you’re familiar with the 43things.com website, it has the ability to “respond to this” as it relates to comments.
I never knew “mouseover” was a verb. I guess I’m “dating myself” again.
I’ll check and see if L.A. has interactive concert online seating. Yes, the Walt Disney Concert Hall does have this.
I guess I was thinking you were referring to the “standing room only” tickets that you can get right before the show starts.
Tina Su

Nov 01 07, 6:18 pm PDT

23
Todd,

Great idea! Thanks for the suggestion for ‘response to this’. I will add that on my master todo list and find a solution to it. :) You’re awesome!

—–

Fran, Thank you for reading. I’m glad the article is able to contribute in some way to your life.
Subash Tamang
Nov 01 07, 10:23 pm PDT

24
Great Article!
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful self-improvements words. I much appreciate it.
Thanks
Karen

Nov 01 07, 10:56 pm PDT

25
Hi Tina,
this is my first visit here, and I am loving your writing (have added to my feed reader, will be back).

This post in particular hit home with me. I am always encouraging other women to take care of themselves so they can be more available for everyone else that demands their time. But sometimes, I forget to do it myself! I love your ideas - especially the one about the Symphony. I haven’t gone to a live concert in years (since I had kids, I guess) and that is something I used to love to do. I’m going to look into what is available here… hopefully we have something similar for front row seats here in Australia.
Tina Su

Nov 02 07, 12:09 am PDT

26
Hi Karen,

Aww.. thank you so much. It makes me very happy knowing you connected with the article. I know what you mean, I too forget sometimes. Part of why I write is to remind myself… :)

I look forward to seeing you around here again. :) Take care!

—-

Hi Subash,

Thanks for your encouraging words. I’m smiling right now. Thank You!
that frolicsome kid

Nov 02 07, 6:11 am PDT

27
Hey, those are really cool ideas! I have wanted to do some of those for quite some time, but didn’t really have the opportunity to. I did spend time with myself though a few times, and it was the most amazing moment of my life! Hehe! Great post! =)
Glynes
Nov 02 07, 3:03 pm PDT

28
When I had my own business, and could schedule my own time, I always took Monday’s off. The morning was time to do errands; in the afternoon I took myself to a movie at the two-for-$2 second-run theater. A couple of hotdogs, popcorn and a Coke, and most Monday matinees I was there by myself, so I’d pretend it was a private screening just for me. I saw some great movies, and on the way home, I always stopped at a little flower stand (owned by an actor who used to appear in the old Perry Mason shows!) and treat myself to a bouquet. I really miss those lovely ‘just-me’ afternoons!
Tina Su

Nov 02 07, 3:45 pm PDT

29
Oh Glynes,

That’s so sweet! Thank you for sharing. You’re a great story teller. :)
Reading what you wrote, I felt as if I was right there with you.. and it reminded me of my own ‘just-me’ afternoons. I do the flowers as well periodically at the farmer’s market as I’m walking my dog on Sundays. :)

Thank you for commenting. It made me smile.

——

Hiya Frolicsome kid, :)
Thanks for stopping by!
Saintly
Nov 02 07, 5:17 pm PDT

30
Hi,

A fascinating subject, I have given alot of thought to over the last week or so in this very subject of loving yourself.

I find it hard to Love myself, I used to think I was a great bloke until I started to look at myself & realised there is much room for improvement. Looking in the mirror is also something I don’t enjoy. I’m working on loving myself though.

I stumbled on your website by accident. Anyhow, I have added it my favourites now, many thanks for your articles, I’m looking forward reading & learning more in the future.

Isn’t it amazing, the more we know, the more we realise how much we don’t know & how much more there is to know, we will never know everything !!!

Cheers,

Love, Light & Life

Saintly

P.S Any tips I can get on loving myself would be greatly appreciated.
Tina Su

Nov 02 07, 10:23 pm PDT

31
Hi Saintly,

Thank you for your sweet message. I appreciate it very much.

>I used to think I was a great bloke until I started to look at myself

You are still a great bloke I’m sure. We all have things we can improve on and recognizing that is the first step towards any positive change right? So you really should pat yourself in the pack for being aware of improvements.

>Looking in the mirror is also something I don’t enjoy.

I took a class on relationships earlier this year and the instructor said something that stuck with me: Each and everyone of our face is a unique and beautiful piece of artwork. If we don’t appreciate it, then we are offending those who do.

When we fall in love with ourselves, it’ll seem as if the world falls in love with us too.

Thanks for your suggestion. I will be doing more articles on the topic. :)

Indeed, like traveling…the more we learn, the more we realize how much more there is to learn. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Daniel Alderman

Nov 03 07, 9:11 pm PDT

32
How wonderfully healthy. I think I spend so much time mad at myself for screwing up, that it might be nice, every once in a while, to forgive myself and do something nice. Thank you for the inspiration!
Samuel Goh Kim Eng

Nov 04 07, 11:58 pm PST

33
Before we can love others at all
We need to love ourselves first
We simply have to heed the inner call
Before we can try to quench our thirst
Sharad
Nov 05 07, 2:53 am PST

34
Dear Tina,
All your life we have been running around feeding & fulfiling a wish or dream for someone dear to you.At times I have found myself miles away from what I always wished.
Your article is a step towards your own self.
You will hear from me someday soon, I hope to share my own experience with myself.
Stephen Hopson

Nov 05 07, 4:55 am PST

35
Tina:

I read this article with a mix of admiration and excitement. Thanks for reminding me how important it is to nurture our souls in loving ways so that we can to out and face the world in a calm, centered manner. Great article!
Alkawther.

Nov 05 07, 12:33 pm PST

36
This is really good article. “dates with myself” is new and beautiful .
Thanks.
Tina Su

Nov 05 07, 10:42 pm PST

37
Daniel Alderman - Hi! Thank you for sharing. I too get made at myself for screwing up at times.. it’s so instinctive.. or rather habitual. When we realize that nothing good can come out of getting mad at ourselves, that’s when it becomes easier to change.
So the question now is, “What have you done for yourself lately?” :)

Thank you for contributing!

—

Hi Sharad,

Thanks for sharing your 2cents.
We hope to see you here again soon. :)

—

Stephen Hopson: Thank you for the thoughtful and beautifully written comment. I’m a big fan of yours and I’m honored that you’ve stopped by. :)

—

Thank you Alkawther. Thanks for visiting.
Douglas Woods

Nov 06 07, 12:11 am PST

38
Having a ‘date with myself’ sounds really sad and lonesome. It makes a person sound like a ‘Billy No Mates’. However, you really make it sound appealling and suggest how beneficial it can be. In this modern world so much of our time is given to other people and other things that we have very little quality time to ourself. Even when we do get time for ourself, we seem to have little idea what to do with that time! Your post provides sound ideas for what to do in the time.
Thank you for this insightful and informative post

Doug
www.dougwoods.com
Namaste Faustino

Nov 06 07, 10:59 pm PST

39
Hi,

This is an awesome post! It’s REALLY important to find out who we are. If we never do self-dates the chances of figuring this out drop considerably. Because of self-dates I have discovered who I am (learning more every time). It feels so good to know this =) It’s a priceless sense of peace =) Cool that you are promoting this concept to the world….

Namaste
www.the3alchemists.com
Tina Su

Nov 06 07, 11:54 pm PST

40
Douglas Woods:

Hi, I loved reading your comment. It started off as if you were about to tip the topic, and then you came back to the route of the article. Cliff hanger! I like that. :) I agree completely and I appreciate you visiting our little spot here on the web.

–

Namaste,

I love your name by the way, reminded me of a lady I saw in nepal who sold something to me, she did the Namaste with such grace and heart that she instantly touched my soul. I can still see it vividly.

I agree that it is a priceless sense of peace after having a deeper understanding of yourself.

I’m really happy that the concept of “self-dates” has been well received. I just followed my heart and flowed with the words. :)

Thanks for your thoughtful words.
Roby

Nov 07 07, 8:56 am PST

41
Some of my “best practices” whether in a relationship or whether going it alone, have developed out of deep and profound desire to simply have a joyful, happy, healthy, abundant, prosperous and positively eventful life. I am here to be of service to others but not at the expense of myself. In relationships we sometime forget about our own personal needs and then we begin to see the other person as a burden. You can only give away what you have inside.

Some key factors for me are practicing radical humility, perpetuating random acts of kindness whenever and wherever possible and remembering to be gentle with myself as well as with others, no matter what the circumstances may be. These are admittedly learned behaviors as I was not raised in an environment that embraced or applied the natural laws of the Universe. I had to learn them one step at a time and learn to recognize and embrace the things that were working and the things that weren’t. Then I had to learn the art of letting go. It wasn’t always easy coming from an environment and many years of experiences where I passed everything by the committee for review and approval instead of just making my own decisions and going for it. I have learned to choose to believe what I believe because of my own experiences and expectations and not because of the perceptions of others. This was a radical departure, trust me. This also was and is an act that takes courage and to some degree mental retraining for most of us, but it can be done.

Since everything begins with the energy of a thought…there are 4 joy killers one must know, accept and understand if you want to avoid an unbalanced and unhappy life. No other person and no relationship can “fix” this for you. You have to choose it and apply it on your own.

1.) Choosing to dwell on what’s missing in your life as opposed to practicing gratitude for the many blessings in your life each and every day.

With my first cup of coffee each morning, I begin by taking a few deep breathes. I take mental notes of all the things that are right and good in my life and I offer thanks to the Universe for those things. It really sets the tone for a wonderful and blessed day.

2.) Complaining and whining about how you’ve been prevented from having or doing the things you’d like to have and do.

It is simplistic but true…but if you choose to dwell on lack, you will manifest more lack. If you choose to believe in scarcity, then scarcity will show up. Your thoughts are the most significant and most powerful indicators of how your life will show up.

3.)Choosing to cultivate inner thoughts of yourself as a person who is unworthy or just plain unlucky are extreme joy killers.

Change your mind, change your life.

and last but certainly not least…

4.)Choosing to accept limitations (self-imposed or otherwise) as your reality.

I have learned to create and establish my own value and do not depend upon relationships with other people to determine this factor. I had a lot of resistance from close friends and family when I began this cycle of change but I soon realized that this was part of the evolution. I had to “let some people go” and that was okay because truly I understood that we had come to the end of serving each other and it was time to move on. Some people have come back to my circle, some have not. I’ve embraced that wholly.

A couple of other thoughts to help in overcoming these 4 challenges mentioned above are: select a handful of positive affirmations that you repeat over and over and over until they become automatic subconscious thought. In the beginning I had trouble believing my own new thoughts, so I was led to purchase a deck of oracle cards called “Messages from the Angels” by Dr. Doreen Virtue. I used those cards 5, 6, 10, 20 times a day to help me reprogram my thinking and to help me overcome the cycle of the self-defeating, negative messages I was giving myself. Before long, I didn’t need the cards to drum up the positive messages when I needed them, I could just instigate the thought and the words flashed in my mind like a billboard. Some even came with “pictures” produced by..yep, you guessed it…me! :) I found this tool very useful. I still do. I also evaluated and ended some relationships that weren’t good for me which subsequently led the way to start some new ones with people who were in alignment with my “new thinking”. I read book after book and perused website after website until I got my inner self back on track. Anyone can do this. There are also lots of places to connect with and meet new people or to just take some classes to get your mind off of things. I did this and before you know the old stuff didn’t even cross my mind at all. It was such a huge relief to be back in alignment with my true authentic self. This is an ongoing process though. It isn’t something you can do once and its good for life. Just as we take our cars to the shop for repair we also have to do maintenance to keep them preforming at optimum levels. Our minds are no different.

I think that we should all be able to do these things as single people and that we should be able to carry these practices over into our relationships. Unfortunately, I think sometimes we get bogged down with the wants and needs of others so much so that we forget to continue just being ourselves. I believe this is why so many relationships do not work out. It is important to find like minded people who understand the power of still being an individual while also enjoying being a couple.

And as Rumi says:

“The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you, don’t go back to sleep.”

Awaken the sleeping giant inside and discover a whole new you. Live big. Live exuberant. Live like there’s no tomorrow. You are Divine, you are wonderful, you are marvelous. You are miraculous. Remember that, no matter who you are, where you’re from or what you’ve been through and don’t let anyone or anything rob you of your Divine right to living a happy, joyful, harmonious life..

and to that end..I’d like to leave with a quote from Neale Donald Walsch from “New Revelations, A Conversation With God”. He says, “There’s no such thing as right or wrong, there’s only what works and what doesn’t”. Think about that.

Have a blessed day!

Cheers,
Roby
Tina Su

Nov 07 07, 10:03 pm PST

42
Oh Roby,

This is FANTASTIC! What you wrote is a post in itself. I should have you on as a guest writer. I really love how you broke down the blockers into 4 Joy Killers. When it’s broken down and laid out clearly, the concept suddenly becomes incredibly simple to digest and practice. I’d love to hear more from you. We can take this off line. :)

Love ya!
Tina
Nick Smith

Nov 08 07, 3:51 am PST

43
A lovely post Tina and I totally agree with where your are coming from.

We can only really give that which we truly feel within us, can’t we?… and so it’s in embracing the Love within that we actually give our greatest gift to the world.

You are a great gift Tina. Thank you.
kathylynn

Nov 09 07, 7:50 am PST

44
This is truly a powerful article. Most people would not think like this but it is the answer to their unhappiness. Thanks!
MichelleVan

Nov 10 07, 5:48 am PST

45
Thanks for the link back to your lovely post. Wise words
Tyro

Nov 10 07, 8:33 pm PST

46
I quite agree with this idea, though many times I could not make it myself. I think after reading your this article, I will try to find myself and begin to love myself. Thank you so much.
Junelle

Nov 20 07, 6:30 pm PST

47
You are such a great person, to have overcome those negative things and life … here you are right now, inspiring others … You Are The BEST!
Karlito Hubayan
Nov 27 07, 5:25 am PST

48
A very helpful article that every reader could easily relate with. Furthermore, the writer suggested activities that are so simple and only require time and interest.
Paul Anthony Gupit

Nov 27 07, 11:38 am PST

49
Great article, two thumbs up, anyway with this article you’ll be confident how to recognize yourself with other people because the happiness inside yours can be shared to other friends, and you’ll be thinking always that you’re not alone, just like you standing out of the branches of the tree and see your self below what your real personality.

“I love this article”. This is where I belong.
Tina Su

Nov 27 07, 9:40 pm PST

50
@Nick Smith: Yes, you are absolutely right. “in embracing the Love within that we actually give our greatest gift to the world.” Thanks for such a sweet message and for reminding me of this with your words. :)

@kathylynn: I agree Kathy. I feel that the world will be a much happier place if we all looked within ourselves and got intouch with our core. :)

@MichelleVan: Thank you.

@Tyro: Thanks Tyro. I love your blog.. it’s so nice to see personal development blogs in other languages, like Chinese.

@Junelle: Aww.. Junelle, you are too sweet. Thanks for your encouraging and supportive words. Much loved and appreciated. :) Thank YOU for reading.

@Karlito Hubayan: You are right, time and desire to look within ourselves.

@Paul Gupit: Nice to see you here. Thanks for sharing your input. It warms my heart seeing what you wrote. :)
andrew
Nov 28 07, 10:57 pm PST

51
I thought that the article had many great tips for a growing problem that seems particular to the states. Things like yoga, music, outdoors, arts are usually great activities. Anything to quiet down the noise or veil that seems to cover one’s self. However, I feel that you haven’t yet reached the root of the matter, although it’s a great start. When reading your article, I noticed that you had done some reflecting already, but it didn’t have the impact of what an experience such as realizing that you didn’t love or appreciate yourself truly feels like. What this probably means is that you were not directly experiencing what you were writing about when writing. That is not to say that it is bad, or that it didn’t happen. But, what happens is that you are giving hints that people are most likely to forget or not pay attention to instead of changing them. Your words are very well written and are clear, which is refreshing. Perhaps when writing next time, try to remember your Self. Not the self that wants to go run around or the self that wants to surf the internet or the self that wants this or that, but the self that does not change—the self that you speak of when there is “freedom” and “appreciation.” Sometimes it is scary, as you probably know.

Andrew
etavitom

Dec 04 07, 5:20 pm PST

52
this is my first stop by your blog and it’s amazing….. thanks so much for the inspiration and passion you put into it! all the best, brad
bret
Dec 09 07, 5:39 pm PST

53
sounds like insanity. possibly Schizophrenia.
Robert @ reason4smile

Dec 11 07, 1:55 am PST

54
Tina, reading your article, I’m reminded of a quote I listened from Joyce Meyer,

Eagle flies alone while other birds fly in flock

When you’re alone, just remember this: it’s not loneliness, but alone-ness. Alone-ness is a fact that happens to us, and we might have no control about that, but loneliness is our response when we feel sad and depressed with our state of loneliness.

Have an attitude that alone-ness is an advantage, time when you can reflect a lot about your life, time you can read books or learn things that you want to learn. Take that time as an advantage not as a suffering.
Enjoy your alone-ness!
Akhil Sasidharan

Dec 29 07, 5:30 pm PST

55
It’s really very important to love yourself, and to know who you really are. It sort of enables you to accept yourself, and pitch yourself to achieve more.

And, as you listed … being alone can help. As, you were somewhat alone, when you’d thoughts of coming up with a post as awesome as this.
etavitom

Jan 04 08, 6:33 pm PST

56
what a great posting! i like to take myself to hockey games…. super fun and kind of a meditation.

all the best in 08

brad
Rolando

Jan 06 08, 10:23 am PST

57
Absolutely agree, to find harmony around us first we must find it from within.
Great site!!!
DT

Jan 15 08, 3:55 pm PST

58
Racy title!

But I fully agree with you. I find great moments in creativity and have really enjoyed time by myself especially at a cafe.

Such moments are really a privilege in our time staved and fast moving world.
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

Jan 15 08, 7:52 pm PST

59
Tina, what a great article. So many people are afraid to spend time alone with no noise and no distractions. For me, alone time has always been so important. I get cranky without it.
Yoseph Ade Setiawan

Jan 18 08, 1:54 am PST

60
Tina,
I’m not really a blogger. I just visit this site since it recommended by my friend. Nice to know you.

I like this self-loving article very much. Especially since I’m a narcissist by birth. lol.

I would love to go to beach, setup tent, lying and reading and listening to music the whole afternoon.
I would prefer to avoid people in my self-loving time, I’ve given too much to other people. I need one for myself :P

Thanks for your inspiration!
~Yoseph
sir jorge

Jan 18 08, 8:27 pm PST

61
I like this a lot.
Corey

Jan 31 08, 8:26 am PST

62
Great ideas. My experience is that incorporating this philosophy even when married, if not especially when married, is one of the healthiest things you can do for long term fulfillment. Thanks for leading the charge!
Travina

Feb 10 08, 12:44 pm PST

63
Hi Tina. I found your blog yesterday and I really love this article. I’ve had similar experiences with self-love as well. I find that when I am truly loving to myself and giving myself what I need, the world sings my song with me. Otherwise, my life is in total chaos when I act in hateful ways toward myself. It’s true that you have better relationships when you are loving towards youself. As my mentor Dr. Cherry would say, “You can’t give anyone else what you don’t have to give to yourself.”
divinespiritlove
Feb 12 08, 8:05 pm PST

64
Thank you for posting this article. I also try hard to work on loving self and this article helps tremendously. My appreciation to you is in the highest sense.
To show you my gratitude I would like to share with you a post I found that also helps with this: http://consciousflex.blogspot.com/2008/01/purpose-of-human-relationships-by.html It explains how being unconditional loving to self is understanding how and why relationships outside yourself are a reflection of how you love yourself.
Thank you indeed. I hope it helps you and others who read this as much as this post of yours as helped, please keep up the incredible work in helping others!
jd

Feb 14 08, 12:40 am PST

65
Hey Tina -

I won’t ask how your dates went, but I’ll assume you really clicked well ;)

It sounds like you’ve found the power of self-assurance.

Here’s an interesting bit of trivia
- people that like themselves … like those that like them
- people that don’t like themselves … don’t like those that like them (after all, if you don’t like you, you can’t imagine how anybody could like you)

This explains why some people have a pattern of bad relationships — they haven’t learned to like themselves first. My philosophy is, you have to learn to be your own best friend first and foremost, since you’re pretty much the one you’re there with, through thick and through thin, you’re entire life — guaranteed!
jenn
Mar 10 08, 9:35 pm PDT

66
thank you for the multiple date ideas! i think that soon i am going to make myself a healthy meal and see the symphony, alone. it will take some getting used to, but it really does sound really great. your blog is excellent; keep up the exceptional work! thanks.
Lauren
Mar 25 08, 11:50 pm PDT

67
A self date might be fun, if one actually had a choice about whether to date alone or with a partner. For those of us who have nobody with whom to date, its just another way to feel pathetic and lonely.
katie
Apr 16 08, 8:27 pm PDT

68
I’m starting to think that lack of love for myself is affecting my relationships.
Kat

May 07 08, 9:39 am PDT

69
Hi!

I love your blog! I’ve got it in my BlogRovr.com account, but I just happened to StumbleUpon this particular article.

The more I read of this article, the more I realized that I’d done so many “self-dates” unconsciously, even if it meant just going to one of my favorite places: a bookstore or the library.

I remember also doing this before meeting my current bf. I’d go eat a good Chinese dinner then hit the theater for a cool flick. Then I’d hit the bookstores or the library, or just head home. It was a necessary respite from the drudgery of the job I was in.

I am also writing more in my paper-n-pen journals as a way to reconnect with myself and to get emotional junk off my chest before bedtime. Much as I love my LiveJournal blogs (those I write in without thought for advertising or financial gain), I only have so many hours on my parents’ computer. I sleep much better with a paper-n-pen journal or two (including a dream notebook for recording those wild and wacky sojourns through Dreamtime).

Thank you for a magnificent reminder to love ourselves as we love others. ;-)

I am sooo putting you on my Dining with the Divine blogroll.

Brightest Blessings,
Kat ^.^
Khader

May 08 08, 6:18 pm PDT

70
Tina,,,, while reading , i picked up a pen and paper,,, i wrote the answers in my own language,, it bring me little relief,,, i admit i keep myself worried,, and this article helped me see that i need go easy on myself from time to time, and i have to love myself,, thanks blogger,,,, i will read new blogs and hopefully will get a good result in my life,,,, for those who believe in god ,,, pray for me thnks
mentalNote

May 13 08, 9:09 am PDT

71
The irony of this article is that I spend the majority of my time alone. I left my family and home and displaced myself in order to learn new things and focus. There were to many commitments when I lived by my family and friends. Unfortunately, I don’t trust anyone and I believe I have good friends on the other side of the world so I don’t make any here. Honestly, I feel lonely and find myself interacting with phones & computers more than people.
The few people that I do know (mostly because I live with them) I don’t like. I just tolerate them. When I give them a little bit of sense of who I am, they patronize me because they are insecure. So I just ignore them and do my work, because they don’t care to understand and don’t have my respect anyway.
Is there something wrong with this logic?
Bebete

Jun 01 08, 1:16 pm PDT

72
Dear Tina,

Thank you very much for these beautiful and wise advices, thoughts and website.
Now I’ve decided to change the estrategy to achive my goals to be happy on my own, and to achive them I will put all my efforts to accept and love myself the way I am and trust myself too.

I know for sure that I will succeed in a near future, because from now on I’m feeling happier than ever even with problems and my doubts, but I’ll try living this moment, the now and change my mind.

Have a nice week!

Bebete
(regards from Holland)
kannan viswagandhi

Jun 23 08, 5:15 pm PDT

73
Hi Tina,

This is the first time i visit your blog.I came here through the illuminatedmind blog.
Excellent post and beautiful ideas.
Everyone needs their personal time to be spent alone.
Unless you accept yourself,you will lose your self-esteem and confidence.
Self awareness and analysis of strengths and weaknesses would help one in achieving personal excellency.

Thanks for sharing.

Best Wishes,
Kannan Viswagandhi
http://www.growing-self.blogspot.com
Deming
Jul 07 08, 9:21 am PDT

74
Wow, that was great! I really enjoyed that. Not only would this be helpful to me, but to my Mom. She works 13 hours a day and takes care of my Grandfather and never has time for herself. I’ll suggest these things to her! Thank you!
Dan
Jul 10 08, 8:38 am PDT

75
Very well written, I truly enjoyed it. I recognize a lot of things in myself that are described in this article that I need to work on. I also, as some have stated above become more dependent on other people for my own self-worth and such and realize this is something I need to recognize and deal with in order to ensure i can have a positive relationship with others that will be sustainable. Job well done. It’s nice to see I can find practical information on the Internet still and not just garbage! Site bookmarked!
LaTisha
Sep 29 08, 8:05 pm PDT

76
Beautiful piece, this is exactly what I was looking for. I needed something to help recharge my internal energy source and this was it. Thank you for the suggestions and keep up the great work. God bless
Nicholas Powiull

Nov 02 08, 5:24 am PST

77
Your words are wise!

The difficulty comes when you try to find yourself and who you are within the other person of a relationship. Relationships are designed for each individual to look within and see more there then what was originally thought. Most people put so much imprecise on the relationship that they forget to go within Self to determine what is true for them and in doing so they make the other person in control of how they feel, what they are willing to see, and how to define who they are. The relationship then becomes about what the other person thinks, says, and does rather then what you think, feel, and say about yourself. The greatest experience and purpose in all of life is to decide and choose who you are but most people leave that deciding to the people they are in a relationship with. It becomes an obsession of needing relationships to determine who you are.

The solution to this dilemma is to have a relationship first with yourself. The challenge for most people is when they ask the question, “who am I?” and try to get to know themselves from that starting question then they are confronted with a endless possibility of infinite hugeness. That question is so infinitely enormous that the answer cannot be found, save to identify with the saying “I am that I am”. Consequently, the way past this challenge is to begin to move your consciousness and focus within yourself. Know who you are from the inner core of yourself. Ask the question, “who do I choose to be?” and get to know the greatest parts of you, identify within you the essentials that people call compassion, happiness, confidence, wisdom, and sharing. Choose to be the empowering states like the spiritual, inspiring, patient, gentleness, magnificence, and most important of all discover the place inside you that accepts and loves you for everything that you are.
David
Dec 05 08, 10:55 am PST

78
My outdoors time is spent cycling. Great reflective time and stress reducer. Legs know what to do, and blood flow makes the brain work better. Clarity comes easier.

Thanks for the article, Emma. Good stuff.
Kelly

Dec 27 08, 1:36 am PST

79
Ive just moved to Auckland from Toronto, and often feel at loose ends; bored. Your ideas for self-dates is also a wonderful collection of suggestions for being in a new city by yourself. Thankyou! I plan on doing these as much as possible starting … tomorrow! Thank you =)
tom

Jan 28 09, 7:38 am PST

80
Its not even that self dating is needed but more importantly. In 30 days, a year, 5 years, when you stand in front of that mirror, disappointed with your progress, who are you answering to?

YOU!!!
Gail
Feb 05 09, 11:53 am PST

81
I sure liked this post. I have learned a lot about spending time with myself, and enjoying it, but this really added another dimension. I am ready for a date with myself right now! :) Thanks.
Gail
Andre

Feb 25 09, 5:22 pm PST

82
Hi Tina,

I ‘discovered’ your blog from a link at Derek Sivers’ post ( http://sivers.org/make-you-happy ). Your words of wisdom intrigued me. I’ve only followed your blog for a short time but it quickly become one that I visit every day! Just love your ‘lively’ writing style and the presentation of the website - photos and all - IMHO are brilliant.

This is an excellent post, very practical and actionable too. Just realized that I’ve been doing this ’self-date’ thing without calling it that… they’ve made me a much happier man and a better husband for sure!

Keep up the good work Tina!

Andre
Laura
Mar 02 09, 9:09 pm PST

83
Tina, wonderful post! You should take a class on positive psychology once - I think it would help you broaden your experiences even more. I guess I’m just curious how often you recommend holding these dates with ourselves?
Philip

Mar 05 09, 10:29 am PST

84
Tina, fantastic, positive suggestions that prepare us for being the right person.

BUT IF I MAY…..as I think about one of your blogs that had to do with being careful and responsible about the words we use (I can’t recall the name of it, but very often apply it!), I want to apply those thoughts to something you said in the beginning of this blog.

Quote: “I found myself in numerous relationships for the wrong reasons and ended up settling in ill-fitting ‘partnerships’”

Again, inspired by your thinking, I thought of how I have said to myself things like, “That relationship was a mistake,” or “She was not a good choice,” etc. The truth is, at those points, those were CHOICES, NOT MISTAKES. To call them “mistakes” or as you said, “wrong reasons” may very well be a subtle form of excuse and relieving yourself of responsibility (not to say you were doing that).

As I look back on those “mistakes,” I now realize that they were choices. They may not have been great choices, but they were my choices. I must take that responsibility.

Also, at those points in my life, I felt that they were good choices. Which says to me that at those points, I was only able to “see” what I ended up choosing. Our “reasons” back then may look inadequate now, but back then, they reflected WHO WE WERE.

May I also suggest that each of should take a look at those relationships that were painful, “mistakes” and “wrong reasons” and begin to appreciate and be grateful for any good that there was (yes, there was good). This also means the good in that ex!

This brings us freedom from the baggage and negative energy that we have felt (and very well may still feel inside) about those relationships and people. Being grateful and appreciative puts us into a wonderfully positive and powerful energy flow, therefore, making us more attractive!

A good test would be to consider old relationships and just allow yourself to feel those feelings, especially in your body (probably right in the stomach). If you feel “negative” about those thoughts, we’re talking baggage and that baggage is still speaking and demanding that it be satisfied!

Once you go through the process of being grateful, etc., it’s a sweet and peaceful feeling (”I’ve got a peacful easy feeling….”).

Hey….thanks…for always being authentic and direct.

Philip
Tina Su

Mar 05 09, 4:29 pm PST

85
@Philip

Hi Philip, what you said is really beautiful and so true! While I know that my past that I am not proud of were the results of choices, I haven’t really articulated that way before, so thank you for showing me this perspective.

@Laura

How often to go on self dates? As often as you need! Listen to your body. If you feel that your confidence is low or isn’t feeling your best, maybe a week of consecutive self-dates is right for you. I do these periodically in chunks. I am currently doing two weeks of consecutive self-dates while my husband is away on a work trip. Self-dates doesn’t mean that you need to go “out”. It’s about creating time for yourself, and doing whatever that pleases you.
Philip

Mar 05 09, 7:59 pm PST

86
Funny how the self dates thing was not my focus at all; Now it is. The reason is that it will be my birthday Sunday and besides my kids and people at work (all our birthdays are on a calendar), I’m not sure if anyone else knows it is. I have a lot of dance friends and I just don’t know if they know. I simply will not drop a hint.

One lady at work has asked me twice now what I’m going to do. My response is “What would I do?” I said that in a way that said that I’m not supposed to do anything in that it’s usually someone else taking you out or whatever.

I think my reaction and what I felt inside reveals to me that if no one does offer to do something for me, I’d better plan to.

Perhaps I need to learn something here. I guess I could think of something I’d like to do for me. Funny, I don’t want to have to do that….wow…is this a learning process or what?

Thanks all for listening

p.s. I just thought some something that happened back Freshman year in College (March 1971…do the math). A custom started in our dorm floor that if it was your birthday, you got shoved into the shower. I’m a pretty big guy and I said that no one was going to shove me into the shower. What happened? I was ignored! That hurt! The attention would have been nice…that custom never happened again. Wow…haven’t thought of that for 30 years…..

Thanks again
Jason
Mar 22 09, 3:27 pm PDT

87
When are you getting a book together Tina? It would be very popular.
Alex
Mar 23 09, 5:48 pm PDT

88
You know being happy alone is great. I was once there,but the question that leads me here do you think to want a relationship to be lonely? I’ve never had a relationship so it feels like I’m lying to myself when I go alone, because I like forget about the desire I’m so into myself when I go alone, that is why Im not so great alone anymore becuase I never had one so I feel worthless now that I want(lonley)?

Do you think the fake relationship is the one that wanted eachother for something or the real one would be who just gives and asks nothing of eachother? Maybe I should stop this desire now and be happy where I am now becuase its just a part of the egos game to fill the bottomless pit.

So it begs the question all in a nutshell do you think to be alone is just lying to yourself becuase lonliness is desire, aloneness is consequentally forgetting about the desire, becuase in my case it would since I never had one?

Don’t get me wrong Aloneness is great you escape from the world really you don’t care about what one thinks of you, you forget your past.Fantastic article, But a practical Illusion?

Thanks Tina
eva
Mar 24 09, 10:07 pm PDT

89
Megan,
right now I’m in the situation which you’ve been through in this article. Reading this article or yours is like reading my own journal :)
You give great advices for me to aplly, but how do you minimize the sadness and the emptiness that used to fill by the significant other?
I know I was in a relationship for a wrong reason but the feeling of losing someone is still hurt.
bill
Apr 22 09, 2:02 pm PDT

90
Can I put out to myself or would that be trampy? I was thinking about giving myself up to myself on the first date.
RechargeYourMind

Apr 28 09, 3:59 pm PDT

91
Tina,
What an awesome post. I always thought its important to have time for one’s self but never think about the different kinds of dates we can do.

Thanks for these thoughts.
Youa
May 18 09, 1:47 pm PDT

92
Tina,
Thanks for the great post. I think it is so important to have date night for yourself and I do it all the time. For me, since I’m still in school, after a quarter is over I will treat myself to an all day spa day where it’s all about me. It’s so amazing what one day of being with yourself can help recharge your energy and boost your confidence. :)
Mitch Mahoney

May 21 09, 8:25 pm PDT

93
The “self-dates” you talk about.. I would call those “self introspect sessions” or “creation sessions” or brainstorm sessions. I completely agree with you on how important those blocks of time are. :)
SMR
Jun 21 09, 7:54 pm PDT

94
Timely article!! When I really want to live mentally independent on others for my happiness and motivation.. I would like to be with myself always instead of expecting others to understand, appreciate, love, support me… I want to stop expecting this from others and in turn I want to do these things to others .. I want an ever-lasting motivation and strength always comes from within myself..
Rohani
Jun 29 09, 5:14 am PDT

95
I am struggling with the same thing - afraid of loneliness. i gave up
my job and so many things which i don’t know why. I feel I am never there till i find that man whom i will share my life with. Can someone teach me how to shrug that very deep-rooted feeling that you have to
be two before you can find peace? Help me.

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