8 Keys to Instant Charisma

126 Comments

There is a simple fact of human nature that states we all want to be liked. Don’t be afraid to admit it. If we think about it, underlying many of our actions, we are really seeking ways to validate ourselves and to fulfill this desire of being liked.

Have you ever met someone and instantly took a liking towards them? You can’t explain why, but you feel a fondness and you want to do things to help them. I’m not talking about sexual attraction, but a genuine and innocent feeling of fondness towards another person.

In a job interview, you are more likely to be hired if the interviewer likes you as a person. In a business situation, you are more likely to get deals done and gain favors. In a personal situation, you are likely to gain trust and loyal friendships.

When we decide that we like someone, it is a psychological process that we cannot quite articulate. It’s not a secret that we make decisions emotionally and justify them logically. So, does this mean that we can influence an emotional decision that happens subconsciously?

I believe that decisions can be influenced. I know that the qualities of a likeable person can be cultivated and proactively developed. Do you want to know how to develop the skills to be likable?

My Inspiration

I was helping my partner Adam prepare for an interview last night. At one point, I had explained to him the power of Mirroring and that it can make others feel more comfortable around you.

When I first heard about Mirroring, I was told that “If you’re afraid that the other person will get suspicious of you mimicking them, then you must be the type of person who thinks that people are actually listening when you’re talking.” I mentioned this and we laughed at it. I said, “Trust me, just try it out. It really works.”

We went off on another topic and he asked me a question about usability testing in software. I went on answering it, and 10 minutes went by and I was still talking. It felt as if I couldn’t stop talking.

When I finally finished covering all areas of software usability testing (including excruciating details that he would have little interest in), he burst out laughing.

So, apparently, he used mirroring on me. And it worked. What’s amazing is that it worked on me after having just told him about it. I didn’t even have a clue that he was mirroring me.

It occurred to me that like-ability can actually be cultivated, like many skills.

What are these skills?

Aside from being polite and respectful, there are several specific things we can pay particular attention to. I’m not asking you to pretend, but be aware of these things when engaged in a conversation. The little things make a big difference in how others perceive us.

1. Mirroring

This simple technique was the inspiration for this article. Mirroring is copying the other person’s physical mannerisms, movements and facial expressions when engaged in a conversation. You become a mirror image of the other person. (see Wikipedia)

Mirroring happens naturally in social interactions, but when you are conscious of it and are aware of its affects, it can be used as a tool in effective communication for generating rapport.

Mirroring someone closely will cause you to feel what they’re feeling (to some extent). I did an exercise once, in a group of three, during a workshop. One person starts by visualizing a scene; seeing, feeling and experiencing the scene. A second person imitates this person’s facial expressions and physical postures. A third person adjusts the second person’s facial expressions and physical postures until he thinks that they are identical. After several minutes, the second person explains what she was feeling. Not only does the second person feel the feelings of the first person, but will at times see what the first person is seeing in his imagination. I was blown away after trying this out, myself.

Next time you’re engaged in a conversation with someone, try mirroring body language, posture, and facial expressions. You will find that the conversation suddenly feels very friendly and open.

For example, you are sitting across the table from someone. You watch them pick up a glass of water with their left hand and gently lean forward, then to the right. You mirror them by holding your glass of water with your right hand, leaning forward and towards the left.

Try it next time … just for fun. :)

2. Remembering Names

Personally, I’m always impressed when others I’ve just met remember my name and use it in a sentence. Since birth, our parents, teachers, friends, and family, have hard wired the sound of our name in our brain. It is certain to get your attention, instantly. It makes you feel important and respected, filling our desire for attention and love.

Recall the last time someone who you just met parted by declaring “Nice to meet you, [insert your name]!” Weren’t you impressed? They are clearly interested in you enough to remember your name, and you want to show them the same respect.

Always make an effort to remember people’s names. Here are some techniques to help you.

3. Be Interested

People love talking about themselves, seriously.

Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. If it’s a complete stranger, start with the basics and dig deeper. Rephrase their words to make sure you really understand what they’re saying. You can think of this technique as verbal mirroring. By asking questions about their interests or feelings, you are mirroring their interest in themselves.

Really listen when the person is answering. Only when you are listening will you actually absorb what was said and will actually feel interested. If you run into a boring conversation, find ideas that do interest you and re-focus the conversation. Ask questions. Make it a game.

4. Allowing Others to Talk

In addition to asking questions, it’s important to allow the other person to talk. This means, stop talking. Stop talking about yourself, stop inserting your opinions, refrain from interrupting.

Next time you’re engaged in a conversation, practice not saying anything after asking a question. This might mean not speaking for several minutes *gasp*. Even when the other person appears to be finished, practice not speaking for 30 seconds. Often times, the person is still thinking, is actually pausing, and will start speaking again. By doing so, you will get a lot more depth from that person.

Many girlfriends I know have the interruption problem, myself included. Pay particular attention to this skill, you’ll be amazed at the wealth of thoughtful goodness coming from your partner. Being a patient listener is a great way to connect with and get to know people.

Try it: ask a question and then zip up. Listen and learn.

5. Intention

Send out the intention that you would like to get to know this person better, to really listen to them and to be there for them. I’m always amazed at the power of intention, which I believe is the seed for starting anything, whether it is a goal or a friendship.

Make a wish for the other person. Send out a positive intention for your interaction.

6. Offer Help

We are mostly self seeking and are driven by motivations that benefit us, with the exception of some extreme cases and parent-child relationships. But let’s face-it, we are self-seeking most of the time because it is a natural part of our survival instincts. Even if we are working on a good cause, we almost always have a reason for helping that is personally beneficial.

When others genuinely offer their help, we feel particularly fond of them. Why? Offering help is a kind gesture that implies a respect and admiration for you. And when we put ourselves in their shoes, wouldn’t it be advantageous to offer help to others?

I’m a big believer in giving more than I take in return. And my personal motto: “To get what you want, help others get what they want, first.”

Find a need that others have that you can provide. Offer help. Even just a casual email offering help will make the world of difference towards how this person feels about you.

7. Smile

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love,
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
~ Mother Teresa

Do you remember how you felt when you saw a genuine smile? Or awkwardly standing in an elevator full of strangers and suddenly someone smiles at you? It really is contagious and shifts your state to a positive one.

Smile genuinely. Start by smiling at friends. Try lifting the spirits of passing strangers.

8. Authenticity

Any of the above techniques will work by themselves, but become highly effective only when combined with authenticity.

Always be genuine and be your complete self, no more and no less. When you are completely honest and speaking from your heart, you will exuberate a kind of energy that people cannot help but to connect with. In that moment, you are pure, expressive, and radiating your true self. When others see and recognize that side of you, they are really seeing a reflection of that part of themselves.

Just be yourself.

Summary:

1. Mirroring
2. Remember Names
3. Be Interested
4. Allow Others to Talk
5. Intention
6. Offer Help
7. Smile
8. Authenticity

Which technique do you think is the most effective for being liked? Share your tips and insights in the comments.

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

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126 Responses (104 Comments, 22 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Annie
Jan 31 08, 6:41 pm PST

1
Nifty! I actually do some of this already. Neat-o! I should try mirroring sometime ;)
Annie
Jan 31 08, 6:44 pm PST

2
Oh, btw, I happen to do 4-8 mostly. I think being authentic is the most important, since the rest comes naturally. :) That and smiling - I smile so much that I have smile muscles!! Lol. So when I’m not smiling, I’m more inclined to be doing so anyway, regardless of the situation I’m in. XD
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul Blog

Jan 31 08, 7:05 pm PST

3
I’m glad you put authenticity in there, Tina! To me, that’s most important. I don’t really care about absolutely everyone liking me - I don’t really give it much of a second thought, really. But I do care that I represent myself authentically in the world.

I think if we have an open, loving and honest relationship with ourselves, it translates into the same with other people. If we are not honest with ourselves, it will read as dishonesty. If we are insecure about ourselves, people will be unsure of us. So, I think the best way to create great relationships is to be friends with ourselves first.
Alex Shalman

Jan 31 08, 7:07 pm PST

4
Awesome article, I think you can add things like questioning, complimenting, kino, etc to your list. As you know, I write about this type of stuff at lifehacker.org, as well as my personal development site.
aw

Jan 31 08, 7:07 pm PST

5
Greetings from China!
Great post.

“Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering.” :)
Actually, you asked a lot of questions in your mail that I would like to answer :)
Rhett Laubach

Jan 31 08, 7:11 pm PST

6
Tina, great post. Very relevant and actionable items. Regarding point number eight, I wanted to bring my www.authenticityrules.com web site to your readers’ attention. Thanks!

Rhett Laubach

Author of the Personal Leadership Insight Blog - http://pliblog.yournextspeaker.com.

Author of the Authenticity Rules Blog: http://www.authenticityrules.com.
Mike Smith

Jan 31 08, 7:51 pm PST

7
This article is awesome. I’ve bookmarked it, tumblr’d it and stumbled it :)
Jeffrey Appelbaum
Jan 31 08, 7:57 pm PST

8
Such a nice article. It really put a finger on that totally wonderful (non-sexual) attraction people, even complete strangers can have - almost like kindred spirits, but a subtle variation. Well written indeed.
Justus Unlimited

Jan 31 08, 8:18 pm PST

9
This reminds me of a book I once read. I believe it was called 8 Rules for making friend and influencing people. By something Napoleon. Or something along those lines…In any case check out my blog: http://escapingmaryland.blogspot.com/
Nathalie Lussier

Jan 31 08, 8:29 pm PST

10
I really like the idea for this article. I can definitely testify that mirroring works for interviews, or even getting to know people better. It makes sense that we would related more to people who are like ourselves. (Speaking of which…;)

I think I’m addicted to reading your blog now. :D
Wyatt Song

Jan 31 08, 8:57 pm PST

11
Great post Tina, at the end of the day how genuine you are trying to connect with another determines the success of your interaction, perhaps one could master the techniques in building rapport, nonetheless we are best detector of pretence, with point 8 you’ve nailed it.
Dean

Jan 31 08, 10:06 pm PST

12
Hi Tina,

I really like to come across posts that are gentle reminders of how to be a good person. These 8 keys are so important in winning friends.

Have a great day.
Raymond

Jan 31 08, 11:15 pm PST

13
Hey Tina,

Thanks for the reminder. I should allow other people talk more. :)
JEMi

Jan 31 08, 11:33 pm PST

14
I naturally smile very often and I’ve experienced (through commentary from some of the strangers who meet me) that this makes me likable so I can attest to this :)

Authenticity - yes.. nothing turns me off like a ‘fake’ person

My hubby did teach me the importance of remembering names..

in fact - all these tips are great

Excellent article.. I’m actually writing something in this area so I will be sure to link this since its so useful :)

Keep it up Tina!
Loy Okezie

Feb 01 08, 12:38 am PST

15
Great tips! I enjoy the ‘mirroring and matching’ a lot and it helps me connect easily with people. Another tip is maintaining ‘eye contact’. Nice post, Tina;-)
Amir Ahmad | PassionBasedLearning.com

Feb 01 08, 1:20 am PST

16
Nice post Tina! And thanks for the heads up about the Mirroring concept. Very interesting stuff.

I’d also add that if you’re in foreign country, putting effort to speak to locals in their own language gives you extra points too.
Sham @ Enhance Life

Feb 01 08, 2:30 am PST

17
Your 8 tips are great and well written.

#9. confidence I believe this also goes a long way too.
CatherineL

Feb 01 08, 4:10 am PST

18
Hi Tina - Brilliant tips. Mirroring works well and once you get used to doing it, you tend to do it automatically.

I like your term “verbal mirroring”. The technical word for it is paraphrasing, but verbal mirroring sounds interesting.
Sara

Feb 01 08, 5:02 am PST

19
Mirroring is something I’d never heard of. I think your page here has more useful information about it than that Wikipedia link. Reading about it, this sounds perfect for me to try. I’m profoundly hard of hearing (deaf without hearing aids and not too great with them either), but mirroring is visual, and that’s an area I’m good at.
Rhett Laubach

Feb 01 08, 5:56 am PST

20
Tina, I also thought your readers would enjoy this related post on Personal Leadership Insight blog…

http://pliblog.yournextspeaker.com/2007/07/general-influence-signals.html

Thanks!
Todd

Feb 01 08, 6:29 am PST

21
I think authenticity is the most critical. But couple authenticity with active listening and good questions, you can be any one’s friend.

Thanks for this post!
Mark McClure

Feb 01 08, 8:02 am PST

22
Regarding a listening/speaking ratio:
2 ears and 1 mouth is a rule of thumb which has worked well for me in Japan.

Mirroring might present challenges across cultures… I once had a manager who gazed past me out the window (we were 37 floors up) for at least 5 minutes before replying. Total silence.

And another guy (in a different meeting) got up and practiced his imaginary golf swing. Fortunately this was a 1-1 meeting and I don’t play golf lol !

Useful post, Tina!
Jose

Feb 01 08, 8:33 am PST

23
This is a great post Tina. I will definetely come back to read some more of your postings.

Jose,
http://avilesnews.blogspot.com
projectmanagement

Feb 01 08, 9:06 am PST

24
hmmm, i dont know about mirroring. It is a fact that people who have a lower social status (e.g. a employee versus his/her boss) mirror the person who has a higher status.

so, if you start mirroring someone else, you sort off declare your lower status.
Brian Wu

Feb 01 08, 9:10 am PST

25
This is a great post and a great blog. I’m always impressed with the content here!
Ramble
Feb 01 08, 9:13 am PST

26
I do all these because it was required of me as a kid - I was constantly moving and so developed techniques to help make friends quicker. I’m actually rather suprised I’m reading about them here. However, mirroring and having an interest are definately the most important you can do. People love themselves, so mirror them and you’ll get on well.
Don’t bother with the physical actions as much, but concentrate on mannerisms and behavior/attitudes to things and they’ll love you instantly.
JE

Feb 01 08, 9:43 am PST

27
Well written and thought out article that is very inspiring, thank you. You mentioned a workshop you did with some other people, I’d be interested to know more about that. Was it a workshop specifically geared towards improving your Charisma or personality? Thanks Again!

*******************

REPLY:

It was the “Unleash The Power” within by Tony Robbins. I took in April of 2007. It was a blastful 4 days of intense material learning about many aspects of our lives.
qma
Feb 01 08, 9:44 am PST

28
Good read again.

I would like add one more to the list. Assume the best of a person, that is, live with a positive assumption.
jdavid.net

Feb 01 08, 9:48 am PST

29
there are also generally 2 types of charismatics

1. type has a strong vision and no hope of doing it on their own, but their passion exhibits the vulnerability that they need help to move it forwards, for without your very obvious help they can not do it. you help because its a great vision and they NEED you.

2. this type is so capable that you want to tag along and learn from them in the hopes that you can find your own insights. this is a different group that is the charismatic DOERS. they probably tend to ignore people more, not because they are mean, but because they are so busy doing.
Girl Help

Feb 01 08, 10:04 am PST

30
I think getting a girlfriend would be a big way to boost your self-confidence and get some charisma. Anyways, good post!
gary

Feb 01 08, 10:20 am PST

31
Authenticity! Yeah… I think I can fake that.

Actually, great article. Very helpful insights. I have tried mirroring in a job interview and it does seem to work.
hudson
Feb 01 08, 10:22 am PST

32
this is totally dead on, but what it really comes down to is paying attention. so many people i know think they have amazing social skills, but everyone gets tired of them after a while, because it becomes clear that they’re only waiting for their chance to speak, and they aren’t really there in the conversation. you don’t have to fake it either. if you pay attention, you’ll find people worth paying attention to, and you’ll end up with more interesting friends, who you’re willing to listen to. word.
David

Feb 01 08, 10:29 am PST

33
wow this is truly wonderful advise right here.
I’ve been aware of the powers of mirroring for a while and have had the chance to try it successfully in many occasions but not as often as I should have wanted because there’s many people I’ve met that I would like to know more about and simply lost touch with. Using some of these techniques would have helped to a deeper relationship I’m sure.

But it’s never too late, I will take this advise once again when I meet new people. I really liked to be reminded to smile to strangers…
pua
Feb 01 08, 10:37 am PST

34
Whilst some of the information here is partially true, much of it makes little difference at all. It certainly does not constitute towards Charisma!

It’s ALL about body language, and building attraction.

Charisma is instant attraction often only through body language.
Mark
Feb 01 08, 10:39 am PST

35
You can moderate this comment and keep it from appearing if you want, but I felt the content of this list was extremely generic and recycled. I’ve been reading similar ‘How to get people to like you’ articles like this for years.
Hunter Nuttall

Feb 01 08, 10:40 am PST

36
Tina, I used to never remember people’s names. They’d say it, and then a few seconds later I had completely forgotten (if I even heard them in the first place). And then after some time it gets really awkward to ask again, so you just hope that someone else will say their name so you don’t have to ask.

A few years ago I started writing down people’s names. Sometimes this meant asking them how to spell it if it was a foreign name. Of course writing something down means you won’t forget it, but I find that just knowing I’m going to write it down means I’m forced to listen and try to remember, and often that’s enough.
BadManSports

Feb 01 08, 10:48 am PST

37
These are all great points and I try to use many of them. Now, I’m going to try to incorporate the rest.

Here’s one more.

Some people have trouble making eye contact during conversations. However, if you are capable of doing this, look into the person’s LEFT eye. Psychological studies show this makes most people more comfortable with you and often also increase your attractiveness to them.

It works even better if you look at them, focusing with your own left eye.

So, if you look at them left eye to left eye, mirror them, remember their name, and smile, they are going to think you’re George Clooney (or some female equivalent).
Andy
Feb 01 08, 10:53 am PST

38
An interesting piece and I totally agree that authenticity is the most important aspect of all, always be yourself. This actually conflicts with mirroring a bit though, in my opinion, if you do it deliberately. As you say, mirroring happens naturally in many social situations and knowing about it is very useful - but what is actually happening when mirroring occurs is that one party is (consciously or unconsciously) becoming subserviant to the other. I.e. the person doing the mirroring is taking on a submissive role compared to the originator’s dominant role. Now, this is not necessarily bad and obviously has its advantages in some situations, particularly for women (pander to men’s egos and you will get whatever you want :), but for men it is a finer line to walk. Generally I want others to perceive me as a leader and not a follower, so I go out of my way not to mirror people in most situations.
jaroslav levov
Feb 01 08, 11:15 am PST

39
Actually the wish to be liked is quite uncommon in Britain.
Atash

Feb 01 08, 11:41 am PST

40
I suppose this is obvious but to prevent disappointment it might be good to clarify that mirroring needs to be subtle. If someone realizes (s)he is being mirrored (s)he is likely to become suspicious and irritated.

Something not mentioned in the list, that I personally have difficulty with, is building rapport…through common interests and agreement…”people like people like themselves”. I don’t have “pop” tastes in music, entertainment, don’t watch television (ever–no time, no television, no interest), and have no interest in politics except insofar as it impacts me. If I had any brains I think I should be able to come up with positive comments about OTHER people’s interests, without actually sharing them (or pretending to share them and then looking bad when it becomes obvious that I am not conversant on the topic to any real depth).

*****************

REPLY:

Hi Atash,

I am similar to you in that sense: I don’t have “pop” tastes in music, entertainment, don’t watch television, and have no interest in politics.

What I do is just start talking to people and see where the conversation goes. I don’t talk about TV, Music, Pop Culture or Politics. Start asking what they do for a living, then ask, “Are you happy?” and just listen to them. If they have kids, you can ask about their kids or other parts of their lives that they love.

Even when people talk about politics, I just listen, I don’t need to be interested in politics to be interested in the person and to enjoy their self expressions. I love it when I can get people to talk about something that they are passionate about, it doesn’t matter what it is, if they are genuinely interested in something, they’ll carry a kind of attractive energy that’s contagious.

Look for things you can adore and admire about a person, and everyone has this. When people are speaking from their heart, there’s a kind of innocence that radiates from their Being, and that’s beautiful to watch.

Warmly,
Tina
jesamina
Feb 01 08, 11:46 am PST

41
I’m going to make a taboo statement: I ooze charisma.

I’ve been like this since I was a small child. People instantly like me and want to tell me their secret problems. I am able to talk anyone into anything I believe in. I’m great at motivating people. I can reduce my husbands blood pressure by ten points just by sitting with him for ten minutes and talking about nothing in particular. Animals adore me. The people at our stables call me a “horse whisperer” (though I am not a real one) because I can make neurotic horses relax.

How? It’s like you said, first of all I am authentic. I trust myself. I am humble. I don’t need to talk about myself much. I like to listen to other peoples’ stories. It is easy to make me laugh. I will work to make a grumpy person smile. I believe being able to offer safe port is important.

The strange thing is, while it is okay to talk about insecurities all you want in Online communities, it is taboo to say, “I ooze charisma.” or “I am confident and beautiful”. Stops conversation dead in its tracks.
Parsa

Feb 01 08, 12:37 pm PST

42
Mirroring? Are you kidding me?

Real charisma comes from within oneself. If you are principled, ethical and truly happy inside, then it will show outside and influence everyone consciously and subconsciously.

Mimicking someone is not a higher level of communication, expressing your true inner essence, no matter how different, is the real deal.

Don’t try to use external monkey moves, work on your true self!
Keith

Feb 01 08, 1:42 pm PST

43
A most inspiring article, thanks!!!
Adrianna
Feb 01 08, 2:14 pm PST

44
Lifehacker linked to a great site on this topic the other week:

http://www.succeedsocially.com
JB
Feb 01 08, 3:42 pm PST

45
The majority of the principles sound strangely familiar to Dale Carnegie’s, “How to win friends and influence people”, but it was nice to read nonetheless.
Michael Wong

Feb 01 08, 3:57 pm PST

46
My problem is that I’m not consistent with the charisma keys.
I really liked how you summarized it all again at the end, like an essay.
I’m going to totally abscond that idea…thanks Tina.
TVBigshot

Feb 01 08, 5:48 pm PST

47
It’s all so true! Especially the one about remembering names. I’m always impressed by people with that talent…its something I need to work on, Sheena….Trina…..um, ;-)
YoNoid
Feb 01 08, 7:40 pm PST

48
How about not copying Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” next time?
Mary Jaksch I GoodlifeZen.com

Feb 01 08, 9:42 pm PST

49
The techniques you suggest work. (I used to use them in my work as a psychotherapist in order to gain my clients’ trust.) But I am left with a sense of unease if people use them in ordinary encounters. Because - if the intention of the interaction is to be liked - then a slick interaction carries a tinge of manipulation.

I meet many people with polished communication skills on conferences and at other gatherings. They have the firm hand-shake and the eye-to-eye look. They have my name down pat, ask me open-ended questions and seem really interested in me. But they are really sophisticated salespeople who are selling… themselves.

I reckon that interactions only offer genuine, heart-felt pleasure if our motive for using all those useful techniques is that we truly care about the other person, want to put them at ease, and desire to be their friend.
Singe

Feb 01 08, 10:08 pm PST

50
This is fantastic advise but… uh… for the more socially inept of us #8 completely contradicts #1-#7. We need to be LESS like ourselves, and more like what the first seven keys suggest. :)
Singe

Feb 01 08, 10:10 pm PST

51
I mean not all of us! But for a tiny minority of people people being “authentic” means doing none of the other suggestions. In fact, explicitly violating them all.
Viper
Feb 01 08, 11:56 pm PST

52
This article is great advice.

However, the real challenge is when dealing with a tough audience.

What about when the person across from you is a real jerk and has just insulted you ??? Hmmm… What about that?

Its not always easy to ignore the insult and “put on a happy face”.

Many people in western society think its “cool” to be abrasive (like Don Rickles). I’ve always had a problem with keeping my cool with people who ridicule other people for sport.

But it is a valuable skill to be able to keep your rapport with people, dumbasses included, despite whatever poor behavior they are up to.

****************

REPLY:

Hi Viper,

Of course, we always want to use our common sense when dealing with people, especially difficult people. You don’t want to add oil on fire, nor do you want to pretend and compromise your ‘dignity’ by “putting on a happy face”. You want to be firm and respectful, calm and understanding. Remember, energy is a two way street, when others see you calm and centered, they’ll gravitate towards that (even just a little).

Tina
jd

Feb 02 08, 12:39 pm PST

53
But can’t we just use our baby-blue eyes? ;)

For building rapport, I try to first find at least one thing I admire about the person and I focus on that. I think of them as my mentor. It’s simple but effective.

There are no difficult people, just difficult behaviors — and we all show them now and then (… catch me on a bad hair day.)

For dealing with your critics, finding a way to agree takes the wind out of their sails and you learn something along the way. (people just want to be heard and appreciated — don’t take it personally — it’s not all about you)
Emma
Feb 03 08, 3:37 am PST

54
Thanks a lot Tina for this inspiring article.
M
Feb 03 08, 8:47 am PST

55
Am I the only not enthralled by this?

You know… I’ve been really concentrating on doing 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and a dash of 8 for the past few years. I pay very close attention so that they steer the conversation with the occasional prompts and questions. I always am really interested in having to hear what people say. But, I have yet to make a new ‘close’ friend… just a couple of acquaintances I occasionally talk with and plenty of people who seem to not want much to do with me (I have to put all the effort into trying to make a new friend… and after one or two meetings things just die).

I know I am doing the above list fairly well because in my work like I am surrounded by people who absolutely do _not_ do it, and it really gets on my nerves.
LL

Feb 03 08, 5:30 pm PST

56
Great tips. I’ll definitely incorporate them into my daily interactions.
Jef
Feb 03 08, 7:26 pm PST

57
Nice post..KEEP IT UP !!
Todd Schafer

Feb 03 08, 9:24 pm PST

58
I would say that a simple smile and remembering somebody’s name is the most important.
Probably because so few people do it. That is why we dont “ooze” charisma. And kudoes to the charisma oozer! Blow your horn, nobody else will. Cockiness to a certain extent is another charismatic characteristic. People are drawn to those who are confident.
I also like that Left Eye poster’s comments. I wonder if that singer Lisa “Left Eye”, gave herself that monniker because of the charisma factor.
Tina: I had gotten good at remembering names for about a month, and now I’m sliding again. I need to re-read your post.
Mario Sanchez

Feb 04 08, 12:53 pm PST

59
You’ve put together an impressive list, Tina…

For me, the two big ones (maybe because I have the most trouble with them) are to remember names, and to listen w/o interrupting. These two things really make a huge difference.

The other really big one is to make it a point to personally say hi and acknowledge others, no matter what their position is. This is something that big bosses in large corporations sometimes forget: be nice to the little guy.

If you observe all the really successful people, they all come across as very approachable and upbeat and always make people feel special (that’s why politicians shake hands and kiss babies every time they have a chance). The key, though, is to do it genuinely…
Gerald Hand
Feb 04 08, 3:46 pm PST

60
Tina-

This article is dead on. As a sales professional, I have learned to mirror my customers, and use the Carnegie approach, to get to know my customers. But I think a friend of mine, Roger Cameron, a professional recruiter said it best: “Be interested, not interesting”.

By that he means ask questions about your counterpart, and try not to discuss your merits. When you part company, you will know a lot about them and they will think you are the best person in the world.

Mirroring, for me, takes it a step further, and lets me treat the potential customer as they want to be treated. Some are chatty while others are more to the point, so I am able to tailor a presentation to meet their expectations.
Rina

Feb 05 08, 12:55 pm PST

61
Hi Tina! Great stuff!! After reading this article, I just realised that my one-year old son actually practises mirroring. He did it to father by mirroring my dad’s crooked smile. No wonder everyone thinks he’s adorable!!:)
Brandon

Feb 06 08, 2:06 pm PST

62
Hey Tina!
This blog was a good reminder for me to refresh my social interaction skills. I’m glad you put in authenticity, it truly magnifies all the rest :D
Liara Covert

Feb 10 08, 9:36 pm PST

63
I like your mention of authenticity. This reminds us we are who we are, regardless of what other people think, criticize or perceive. To me, being honest, choosing to love and accept everything about myself, is what is fundamental to feeling good. External approval or rejection doesn’t have to change how I feel. Its a process of being willing to give up the control of the ego-mind and moving away from separation to feeling connected to all that you are.
Evelyn

Feb 12 08, 5:12 pm PST

64
Tina, thanks for your post. I enjoy the mirroring tip! I tend to use point 4 letting others talk. I am a curious person and find myself asking lots of questions. I am a “seeker” of information….LOL
Elizabeth
Feb 17 08, 11:40 am PST

65
DEFINITELY smiling. When someone flashes me an authentic smile, I am more willing to go over and talk to them & continue talking to them because smiles give out a certain safeness. Like, when I see someone smiling, I don’t feel like they will judge me or are thinking what a loser I am.
Manny

Feb 18 08, 6:54 am PST

66
Hey there, i love your blog! Great info and very refreshing. Thank’s for sharing. I’ll surely stick around.
Duke

Feb 22 08, 11:25 am PST

67
Thank you.
Rob Moshe

Feb 22 08, 12:26 pm PST

68
Being real (authentic) is definitley at the top of the list. I find that when I am being myself, I am free to give my energy to the other person.

It is also good to be Present. When you are being “in the moment” you are less distracted, and the person can feel it.

Eye contact is also key. Don’t try to look at both tough, it will make you dizzy. Focus on one eye, it again shows the person you are focused on them and present.
Anne

Feb 26 08, 5:17 pm PST

69
Great list. I endorse the “be interested” and “listen” advice. One of the best things for my emotional IQ was going to work as a reporter. I had to completely focus on the person I was interviewing and ask lots of questions — the kind that can’t easily be answered “yes” or “no”, but require more of an explanation. Then I had to remember to be quiet and not rush to fill conversational gaps; some of the richest material came when the interviewee felt obliged to say MORE in the silence. The interview was never about me; my goal was to get the subject talking, indicate my understanding and continued curiosity, and be likable and trustworthy so that I’d get the best story. A lesson for life!
Clay Collins | The Growing Life

Feb 28 08, 9:54 am PST

70
I really like this article, but I think it might confuse charisma with likability. Charisma is likability, but with an added energy, a certain jena se qua. A minor point, however. These are great tips.

Clay
Gary Evans

Mar 03 08, 8:51 am PST

71
Wow, great article!

Authenticity would come at the top of my list. People can read falseness like a book these days. I believe it comes through in ones own feelings as opposed to actions.

Great stuff!
Sara

Mar 05 08, 9:57 pm PST

72
Great article! If only we all would be more aware of others. I hope you don’t mind, I referenced this article on my blog.
Dominic Tay

Mar 15 08, 2:28 am PDT

73
Tina, while I was reading this power-packed article, I recalled some points regarding Mirroring that I’d like to share with you, as well as the people who are reading this post.

Mirroring

The basic form of mirroring that I learned can be done by anybody simply by (a) adopting the posture of the opposite party, (b) their speed of speech and (c) the words that they use.

(a) Adopting the posture of the opposite party

Take for example, if I see someone I’d like to influence stand with their left leg in front and their arms folded, I’d do the same. The trick, however, is to do it only when you are in the midst of talking. Or else, they’ll notice your sudden change in posture.

(b) Speed of speech

Next, if you are speaking with a fast-talking person, it would really bore and irritate them if you were to speak any slower.

At the same time, if you are speaking with a slow-talker, it will confuse them if you’re shooting away like a bullet train.

That’s why anyone who wants to practise mirroring should also take note of the speed that your opposite party is talking.

(c) The Words

Also, if someone keeps saying, “I understand that, Dominic. However, you must understand that…”

I’ll reply with the word “understand” as many times as possible. By using the same words that they are using most of the time, you will build an instant rapport and connection with them.

The bottomline is, mirroring is not just about adopting the opposite party’s posture and actions. It also involves adopting the words they commonly use, as well as the speed that they are talking at.

Hope these points can help anyone who is interested in the NLP Mirroring technique.

Dominic Tay
Personal Development for Winners
Kirk Franklin

Mar 24 08, 4:54 pm PDT

74
Great list of tips. Having great charisma also depends a lot on one’s self esteem, so getting your self esteem higher can only help.
Luke

Mar 31 08, 12:49 pm PDT

75
These are some great ways to boost charisma. And everyone wants to be liked, right? Why not use more first names, be courteous, be a good listener, etc? Mirroring is very powerful, as is being authentic and intending to be their friend. I should read through this every day to remind myself of what it takes to be a good leader. :-)

Thanks for the great article Tina Su!
Tony

Apr 12 08, 8:43 am PDT

76
Ahh.. So these are why they all like me so much,.. I could never tell anywhy I am likeable and they are not, like a colleague.. I only told him to build relationships not knowing how I do it :)
James Shaffer

Apr 12 08, 9:08 pm PDT

77
I love the article “Remembering Names” is the one that I think is the easiest to do and is the most effective.
fiona

Apr 13 08, 5:10 am PDT

78
A simple genuine smile can win you a new friend. People need someone to listen than someone who talks a lot. An understanding listener can somehow ease ones burden.
Dr. Sally Witt

Apr 29 08, 5:04 am PDT

79
Hi Tina,

I am so excited to have found your blog today! I am a member of Wecai, and I was reading about your workshop for us on Friday. I am being interviewed at that time, but I will listen later.

I have a blog talk radio program, and would love to have you for an interview. http://www.blogtalkradio.com/drsallywitt

I use NLP along with EFT, Hypnosis, and a lot of other techniques to help my clients gain confidence, health, prosperity, and joy. I also teach these techniques in certification programs in person and on the web.

We are so on the same wavelength!!

It is a joy to meet you.

Hugs,

Dr. Sally

http://www.drsallywitt.com
Julian

May 01 08, 2:25 pm PDT

80
I agree the last one is by far the most important, in a way it kinda makes the first one seem a little out of place? Great post though.
Yuu

May 20 08, 8:49 pm PDT

81
Wonderful points! Also I think being honest is most important.
But you made great point of concentrating to remember person’s names after meeting for first time.
It’s very rare actually to meet someone who does remember.
I am going to give it a try.
Komodo Dragon

May 26 08, 11:29 pm PDT

82
Wow, this is a phenomenal post! I have learned so much!
komodo dragon

Jun 07 08, 12:10 pm PDT

83
“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love,
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
~ Mother Teresa
I adore this quote, as a matter of fact.. i adore this post. its true and very insightful !
Foodguy

Jun 09 08, 6:38 pm PDT

84
Wonderful post. I think your last bullet “Authenticity” is the most important. When people are being genuine and honest, the other 1-7 points usually occur naturally. I just found your website today and have spent a few hours reading your posts. I’ve signed-up and I look forward to future posts!

Thanks!
Colin

Jun 10 08, 10:38 pm PDT

85
A handy article, thanks for sharing it. I am not sure where Jaroslav got the idea that people in Britain don’t like to be liked though.
Mi

Jun 11 08, 8:46 am PDT

86
The best technique is to smile genuinely!
Rick Hyman
Jun 11 08, 7:09 pm PDT

87
Wow! I’ve been mirroring for years now and I never knew that it was an actual technique of any sort! I just referred to it as copying others. You should also add to your guide I may warn, that if you do this to a certain person too often they will start to catch on and realize you are taking their actions and sayings for the benefit of your own character.

In one case a guy I know started to realize I did this and I kind of idolized him, but it got to a point where he started to think that I was wearing the same kinds of clothing. Thats just ludicrous.
Poems

Jun 16 08, 12:05 pm PDT

88
Tina, I cannot smile to a person just because it’s needed. Mirroring is a great method to make smb like you but Ithink it’s no so easy
Deming

Jun 27 08, 5:36 pm PDT

89
Very good post. I feel like I’m great at communicating however find it hard to bump into people I know, chat a little and end the conversation. What is the best way to end a conversation?

************************
REPLY

“I don’t want to hold you much longer. It was great chatting with you. Have a beautiful day!” :)

Tina
Misty
Jul 17 08, 3:11 am PDT

90
Do you think we can ‘fake’ this until we master it? Also how do you be confident around people you find really attractive but don’t feel as though you meet their standard of attractiveness?
Kenji

Jul 22 08, 9:45 pm PDT

91
That quote from Mother Teresa was beautiful!

Thanks for the mirroring tips. Might be less relevant in an interview though, with some interviewers taking a very relaxed approach, leaning back in their chairs, crossing their arms while listening etc
Dantalion Jones

Aug 02 08, 1:46 am PDT

92
I think that it’s nice and “kind” advice but off the mark.

IMO The keys to charisma are
1) The confidence to speak with such authority that, for that moment, you believe it.
2) Not caring what other people think about you. (That makes you a cool rebel.)
3) A personal sense of power and control that allows others around you to feel safe in your presence and do what you tell them.

That’s charisma.

~ Dantalion Jones
dan
Aug 14 08, 1:09 pm PDT

93
You have definately pin-pointed the most effective elements of holding a fun or enjoyable conversation. However, I would like to point out that there is a sort of limit on how much interest we should show in conversations and interactions, i mean that since we all like to be shown interest by others we have to leave in some room for the intensely charismatic people to show interest. somewhat shy people and those who try to evade conversations trigger a subconscious curiosity in almost everybody, we have a sort of need to please or get these types of people’s attention.

Very few people that have ever existed have shown true, intense charisma. Personally, my opinion of true charisma is a complete combination of all social skills. These include; the ability to make everybody associated with you feel very special, the ability for everybody to “feel” your presence and show leadership when you enter a room or group conversation, like your point of authenticity, charismatic people have a divine and completely origional personality and are able to be completely true to themselves. Also, charismatic people usually have the ability to make their enemies feel very uncomfortable and will be able to out-wit most people who have a dislike for them.

I just thought i’d share my views, which are similar to your own. Your article was very informative and has definately given me new perspectives. You have a fantastic understanding of this subject.
Johannes
Nov 03 08, 2:33 pm PST

94
Hi there!

Just wanted to let you know that you have a very inspiring blog! I am in a stage in my life where I think alot of my self as a person and how I could improve as a human. The last days have been a great deal of thinking on my future etc. I felt a bit down because I only saw the problem, not the solution. But then I stumbled in to your blog by accident and my vision cleared! =)

Looking forward to be reading more from you!

Regards, Johannes
mirroring fanatic
Dec 09 08, 7:31 am PST

95
What happens when both people are mirroring? is it some sort of infinite positive feedback loop that’s caused? do both people eventually start to convulse?
Ken

Dec 24 08, 9:56 am PST

96
Tip: if I’m having a hard time with putting on a genuine smile, I think of my baby nephew playing with his toy trains.
Tom J Nowell

Dec 28 08, 8:55 am PST

97
I find myself starting to talk when someone stops and then obviously theyre still thinking as you said and I end up interrupting them when they start talking them just as I start, and I never realized till now nor just how much I do it!

Thank you for the awesome blogposts!
Pili
Jan 17 09, 11:36 am PST

98
I see that, in reality, people tend to like those who are full of themselves and lie to them. Just sayin’…
Pili
Jan 17 09, 11:38 am PST

99
I think that Dantalion Jones hit it closer to the mark.

I DO appreciate the article. I think that it should be correct, theoretically, but just doesn’t happen like that in reality. Some aspects ARE right on, such as smiling.
ImJustJane
Feb 06 09, 9:09 pm PST

100
I would love to vote for you on Digg, but every time I go there, I am shunted to one page and another without ever landing on a voting page, so I’ve given you up for now. :(

I’m
JustJane
Victoria
Apr 23 09, 1:43 pm PDT

101
Funny, not to brag, but I already do 1-7 heh heh, I will try my best at Aunthenticity. However, truthfully, I think my TRUE self is a little…misunderstood.
Jose
May 20 09, 6:01 pm PDT

102
A Charismatic can change between the two types. They just need more self-confidence and they can become some of the greatest / worst people in the world haha!
riaz
May 26 09, 4:30 am PDT

103
overall , this is a very good article.
But I wonder how I can mirror a person who has a negative frame of mind.
The Boss
Jun 03 09, 7:43 pm PDT

104
These are techniques for social and interpersonal manipulation–perfectly legitimate and very helpful in the right hands–and well described in a practical manner in this article. Charisma, however, is a whole different ballgame, and the author has failed (as everyone else who has tried) to give it a feasible conception.

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Think Simple Now. A Blog on Creativity, Productivity, and Happiness.

8 Keys to Instant Charisma

126 Comments

My Inspiration

What are these skills?

1. Mirroring

2. Remembering Names

3. Be Interested

4. Allowing Others to Talk

5. Intention

6. Offer Help

7. Smile

8. Authenticity

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