When Couples Fight

Editor’s Note: This article applies also to those not currently in a relationship.

My husband and I had a fight over the weekend – on our date night, of all nights. We rarely fight, so when emotions escalated to shouting, I knew something had to change. I had to change. There was something to be learned here.

The thing about when couples bicker is that both people feel that they are right. Both people feel that their point of view is rightfully justified. So we try to make the other person understand. When we are arguing, what we are essentially trying to do is to show the other person our side – to show them that we are right (and they are wrong).

After all was said and done, underneath the problem on the surface, what we were really fighting for was to feel appreciated and validated. We, each in our own indirect way, were trying to let the other person acknowledge us, and to value what we contribute. But sometimes, we can be so stubborn.

If you dissect all the fights we’ve had in the past with our significant others, and through observing our friends, I think the desire to feel appreciated and recognized is a common theme.

What’s interesting is that in the heat of “battle”, when we are so consumed with wanting the other person to see our side, we become blind to recognizing the other person’s point of view – which is equally valid and understandable. It’s like trying to put out fire with more fire, you will just end up with a bigger fire.

In every argument, there are two sides to every story. It is highly likely that both parties are partially wrong, and both parties are partially right. And if both people continue to argue for their side, there will be no end to it. There will be no peace, no resolution.

But if one person, puts their own need to feel right on pause for just a few minutes, and sees how painful it must be for the other person, and genuinely apologizes for the hurt they may have unintentionally caused, then a miraculous shift takes place between them.

The other person will realize that they too were wrong, and likely apologize as well. When they do, the energy between them shifts from that of resentment and misunderstanding and hurt to that of love and forgiveness and generosity. When that happens, the love in our hearts expands to a realm beyond us, leaving us feeling a blissful sense of peace.

Admitting that we were wrong can feel as bad as pulling our own teeth. And when we do, it requires an internal fight with our ego to overcome our natural urge to retaliate and defend for our side. But it is possible to make a conscious decision of setting our egos aside – this may require biting our tongues, and nodding our heads in agreement though.

If we truly become the observer, we will see that, in a way, the other person is right – at least partially right. There is something we can learn here. And it really doesn’t matter if they see our side. Our job is to bring love in to situations and to empower ourselves, and those around us. To learn from life.

I came to the realization that “I don’t care to be right anymore. The argument is over something from the past. Why am I constantly trying to bring this unhappy state from the past into my present? And into my future? Why am I creating a future that causes myself suffering?“

Like a light bulb going off in my head, I began to soften up, and began to relax.

When I relaxed, I forgave, and released something from the past, which I’ve held on to so tightly over the past year. This belief -this story- that I’ve held on to, was the source of much pain, which I’ve created for myself. And now, I’ve set it free. I set myself free.

Here are some quotes from Dr. Wayne Dyer from his book Excuses Begone! that seem appropriate to this topic:

“You hear people say this all the time: “I have a right to be upset because of the way I’ve been treated. I have a right to be angry, hurt, depressed, sad, and resentful.” Learning to avoid this kind of thinking is one of my secrets for living a life of inner peace, success, and happiness.”

“At the root of virtually all spiritual practice is the notion of forgiveness. Think about every single person who has ever harmed you, cheated you, defrauded you, or said unkind things about you. Your experience of them is nothing more that a thought that you carry around with you. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you. If you could release them, you would know more peace.”

“A peaceful person attracts peaceful energy. You won’t know God unless you’re at peace, because God is peace. Your resentments literally send God out of your life while you’re busy being offended.”

“You practice forgiveness for two reasons: to let others know that you no longer wish to be in a state of hostility with them and to free yourself from the self-defeating energy of resentment. Send love in some form to those you feel have wronged you and notice how much better you feel.”

Parting Words

Sometimes, when we hit rock bottom, or fall into a dip in our journey through life’s turbulences, there isn’t anywhere else to go but up. Instead of treating these experiences as the enemy, as something that you “hate”, remember that these situations are there to help us wake up.

These experiences are there to teach us something we have yet to learn. These moments are blessings that we have yet to realize. These moments are the turning points of our life, towards something more profound, and valuable, and beautiful.

In summary, here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t care to be right anymore. I don’t care if another sees my side. It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past now. Let’s focus on the now and the future.
In all challenges, no matter how justified I feel, always come back to myself by asking, “What can I learn from this situation? What lessons am I supposed to learn that I have yet to recognize? What did I learn about myself?”
Writing my thoughts down when these challenges happen is a great way to not only get to know myself in more depth, but also help to relieve resentment and pain. Writing in my journal is my best medicine.
Talking about it to others from the point of complaining and victim identity only prolongs the story, and causes us to remain in the mode of helplessness. But never the less, talking about it to a neutral party helps to relieve some of the bundled-up energy, and may help us find clarity. I recommend finding a counselor who is trained to listen and direct you towards a mindful resolution.
Our opinion about someone (or some situation) colors our perception of them, and projects upon them a story, which makes the story become true for us. This projection changes our interaction with that person, making it appear more real to us. For example, if we believe that someone doesn’t like us, we will start to look for evidences of that person not liking us. As we know, what we seek, we shall find. We project upon this person that they dislike us, and we repeat that belief in our head, and it becomes true for us. In reality it’s only an idea in our own head, and not actually true.
Telling someone you’ve forgiven them, but still complaining for what they “did to you” is not true forgiveness. You’ve only done so superficially. This hard feeling will continue to linger until you can truly forgive them and stop talking about the story.
Forgiveness can be a multi-layered process. Don’t kick yourself if you can’t do it in one sitting. It can take time. Take as much time as you need. Follow the flow of life. Know that when you are suffering, there are more forgiving to be done.
Communication is vitally important in any relationship – not just in romantic ones. It’s important to setup time regularly to communicate, to share openly about your feelings, thoughts, unhappiness, worries, joys, dreams, hopes. For couples who live together, it’s important to do this instead of falling into the routine of crashing on the couch and watching TV all night. Even if sharing time means 10 minutes every day before bed. Make it a priority.
For couples with kids, it is important to commune as a couple and spend quality time together, focused on each other. Schedule date nights, even if it’ll cost money to find a sitter, or that you have to trade baby sitting with another couple. Your relationship is the nest in which your children lie in. Your relationship is the foundation to which your family is built upon. How much money is that worth? Priceless, right? Make it a priority.
Sometimes, we create busyness in our lives to avoid dealing with something that is causing us pain. We bury ourselves in our work, or direct our attention in the solving of someone else’s problems, in order to avoid dealing with a problem in our own life. No worries if you recognize this. We do this unconsciously, and it happens to all of us. Be brave. Make a conscious effort to address the root problem, this will make us feel so much lighter and free. We can actually end up happy (imagine that!).

I love you guys. Thank you for listening. And in case you’re curious, Jeremy and I are doing more than great now. We’re thankful for the learning and growing experience, and are closer than ever! :)

Please take a moment to let the meaning behind these words sink in. Apply what rings true to you to the best of your ability in your own lives. Learn from my mistakes and those around you. Spread joy. Life is so precious, and beautiful – and you deserve to see and experience its beauty in its full bloom.

Have a beautiful week, my friends.

Please help me spread word about this site. If this or any other articles have helped you in any way, please tell one (or many) people about us. Please share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, and email the link to friends. I really appreciate your help. You make this site possible.

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External Resources:

Book: Excuses Begone! Dr. Wayne Dyer (above quotes)
Article: Finding Peace in Forgiveness
Book: Loving What Is – Byron Katie
Book: The Power of Now – Ekhart Tolle
Book: I Need Your Love – Is that True? – Byron Katie

Comments

Kathleen M Rath
Dec 13 10, 4:18 pm PDT

1
wow some awesome words of advice, Loved this
The Contrarian

Dec 13 10, 4:49 pm PDT

2
Tina – please pass this along to your husband ;-) ….

Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right? Here are two rules for long and happy marriage –

Rule #1: Assume you are wrong (because you usually are), accept responsibility, and be quick to apologize.

Rule #2: Never forget rule number one.
Tina Su

Dec 13 10, 4:52 pm PDT

3
@The Contrarian

Those are advice to me as well. haha.. thank you for that.. and for watching out for me. :)
Char (Scholar Lifestyle)

Dec 13 10, 5:52 pm PDT

4
A lovely article Tina~ I find myself more able to practice this~ and then the my higher Self ups the ante to ensure I continue to walk my talk~ I am a source of endless amusement to the gods and goddesses (Self ~:-)

Not long ago I had the opportunity to say sorry first with a man I was dating at the time, though I was in the right to maintain my boundaries~ how I did that could of been less sharp~ my fierce compassion has yet to find its balance when it comes to romance.

Anyways, he was bowled over, and yes, apologised and reaffirmed my boundary. In the past woman (princesses?) have gone on the attack~ and he was avoiding the “inevitable” name calling. We are no longer dating, but are maintaining the friendship~ though from a distance for him~ having his shadow accepted and accepting another’s is daunting for him.

Crazy banana.
Bay Taper
Dec 13 10, 6:11 pm PDT

5
Love your article, thanks for sharing this, well done! I find there is also another very similar, very related, but subtley different aspect to this… And that is trying not to make others ‘wrong.’ It gets back to your comment about acknowledging the other side, the validity to their positions, and just because you may not agree, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are ‘wrong.’ It’s easy to fall into the trap of making others wrong because they have their unique view of things. Sometimes is not about right or wrong, it’s a mutual respect for each others’ positions. Thanks again for sharing your story…
Valerie
Dec 13 10, 6:36 pm PDT

6
Excellent article and one of my favorite ones on your site, Tina! Especially the point about forgiveness. I’ve also made the mistake of thinking how the other person always needs to be right — when in fact I’m worried about my being right.
Jeff C
Dec 13 10, 7:21 pm PDT

7
Thanks, nice article. My worst arguments have been when we were both convinced we were “right”. My deepest relationship have always developed after we both came to accept each others flaws.
Matt Davis

Dec 13 10, 7:58 pm PDT

8
Wow… thank you for that one Tina… some REALLY GREAT info in there that I wish I had known before… it may have saved, and perhaps helped past relationships…

Hmmm… RIGHT after typing the above statement, I realize that that is and of itself; a form of living in the past as well. On second thought, I do NOT wish I had known all of those above mentioned points before. Not knowing those things played a part in bringing me here, and to the present moment now.

So if I may reiterate – I appreciate the info you’ve given me (us) and will certainly take it to heart.

Great stuff!

Matt
Tina Su

Dec 13 10, 8:02 pm PDT

9
Same here Jeff. Not just accepting each other’s flaws (that’s huge), but also recognizing that being right doesn’t matter, it leads to nowhere. Focus on what it is we want ultimately, and for me, that’s a peaceful, happy, fulfilling relationship. Focus on what we as a couple can do now, instead of who was right, what did what wrong, etc.
Tina Su

Dec 13 10, 8:07 pm PDT

10
@Valerie

It happens to all of us Valerie. I think it’s the most natural reaction. But nature is about survival, not peace. And if we followed our natural reaction, there’ll be no end to the argument. Thank you for your kind words. It’s one of my favorite that I’ve worked on. :)
Tina Su

Dec 13 10, 9:45 pm PDT

11
Hi Matt, You’re funny. You’re right, all our relationships and experiences added to contribute to who we are today. All the challenges probably taught you more than if everything was smooth and easy.
Tina Su

Dec 13 10, 9:50 pm PDT

12
@Char (Scholar Lifestyle)

Thanks for sharing your story.

>”my fierce compassion has yet to find its balance when it comes to romance”

It took me years to learn this, and practice makes perfect. Our ego is so strong sometimes that it’s just hard to admit that we are wrong. It’s our survival instincts. Our entire body is saying “defend! defend! defend!”
Sun Tzu
Dec 13 10, 11:54 pm PDT

13
Indeed I will share this. Thank you very much. Glad to hear all is well. :)
Mona Kristin
Dec 14 10, 12:07 am PDT

14
I loved it just as much as I love everything you write. You truly are an inspiration in my life – thanks a lot Tina.
Uzma

Dec 14 10, 1:19 am PDT

15
Well said Tina. The point about just giving another our attention and accepting their pain is such a huge one. It made me smile. So often we just want to prove our point, to be ‘right’, like you say, which is just a facade for ‘needing attention to our self’. One has to realize, we don’t need to fight for attention. We need to be compassionate. And then the ego which fights for attention will keep quiet and we will be recognized for the core, that we are- the spirit, the soul. The article flows really well Tina. Well written.
bob

Dec 14 10, 7:10 am PDT

16
Tina,

How perfectly timed this is. I have someone that I work to forgive, and it is not easy. I once watched an Oprah show, and they were discussing forgiveness. It was said that not forgiving someone is the most selfish thing in the world to do, and I agree. Holding on to the hurt and anger only destroys yourself, and much of the time the offender does not even know.
Michelle C
Dec 14 10, 8:04 am PDT

17
Another great article Tina. I wonder if you could expand on, or hypothesize about, how you were able to “pause” to step out of the drama and turn the argument around? Any advice on how to facilitate such clarity? I keep encouraging people to “watch the thinker”, but I’m not too sure how to help them get out of the thinking and into the watching. It’s easy for me to point out the thinker to them, but I don’t know how to help them get the awareness to do it for themselves. Thanks!
Lawrence

Dec 14 10, 8:06 am PDT

18
Thanks for the sharing Tina. As for me I always find it very challenging not to be affected by arguments or disagreements with my wife ironically cos I love and care about her so much. I can ignore and not be affected by others, but it is always those who are dearest to me, those who mean a lot to me that I sometimes struggle with accepting them for who they are and having their point of view even when I may not agree or like it.
Matt Davis

Dec 14 10, 8:45 am PDT

19
@ Michelle C:

Funny you mention that… I realize I’m not Tina, but if I may?

I found that I have that problem as well. Or did more so in the past, when I wasn’t as happy. I would get caught up in my ego, and couldn’t seem to get out of it. I would get caught up in the cycle of “proving a point” and “Showing the other I was right” and it was VERY damaging to the soul, and to my relationship at the time.

I found that the more in tune with myself, and grounded I was, the easier it became. But it never seems to be easy. I still struggle with that. Losing my patience, and letting my ego take over is a constant battle for me.
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 9:00 am PDT

20
Hi Uzma,

Thanks so much! Beautifully said. Thank you for that.

I really loved working on this article. I felt so inspired, I sat down, and an hour later, all the words just flowed out of me. This is one of my favorite articles to date.

It’s easy to say be compassionate, but when we are in heat of trying to get our side across to another person, it’s hard to remember to be compassionate. I do believe that we are always doing our best based on our present state of consciousness tho. :)

Talk later.

Tina
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 9:11 am PDT

21
Hi Michelle and Matt :)

Thank you Matt for your input, they were perfect. Just perfect.

Michelle, you asked: “if you could expand on, or hypothesize about, how you were able to “pause” to step out of the drama and turn the argument around?”

I think we got to such a low point, after an hour of extreme emotions flaring around, that we were both exhausted. And I realized that we weren’t getting anywhere, except to make each other sad and tired. :)

And then something overcame me, I don’t know what it was, I asked Jeremy what he wanted, and he said something that implied “To be appreciated” and with those words, a sudden clarity overcame me. I don’t think I did anything intentionally to gain this clarity.

As Matt pointed out, it’s not about never reacting and instantly becoming a person with utter clarity, it’s about being aware of what we are doing and why we are doing it – even a few hours after the fact.

The more we practice living mindfully, consciously, the easier it becomes to adjust our focus and come back that place of calm clarity. Notice, I said adjust, instead of instant. :) I too still struggle with my ego – as I described in my stories. It happens to all of us.

The best thing we can do, is to do whatever we can daily to practice mindfulness. Observing our thoughts is one practice. I also recommend meditation or sitting silently for a few minutes each day. Reading inspirational books that awakens us, like “The Power of Now”. And even writing down our thoughts.

All of these practices, has a cumulative affect on our conscious awareness. Which then affects how we handle problems when they arise. Reacting emotionally when problems occur is normal and natural. Adjusting how you proactively do after the initial reaction takes clarity. :)

Tina
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 9:15 am PDT

22
Hi Lawrence,

I hear you. We’re in the same boat together. I too have a hard time to not be affected by my husband, if we’re having a disagreement. I think that’s natural.

I think maybe it’s especially hard with our spouses, because we’re so close with them, and we want them to see our side so badly, that it’s even harder to see their side. Know what I mean?

After such a long time arguing over the same thing, and not seeing eye to eye on the one situation. I think I was just so exhausted or arguing for my side, that I realized that it really doesn’t matter. I don’t care to argue for a perspective anymore. It’s so silly, and energy consuming, and unfriendly. :)

Tina
Gemma

Dec 14 10, 11:36 am PDT

23
Great article. Essentially, arguments arise because of ego/painbody being allowed to get in the way.

Generally, I use a technique that has worked perfectly whenever I’ve remembered to use it. That is, I say to myself “EGO” whenever I recognise my ego rising up. Or if it’s my painbody, I say “PAINBODY” to myself (within my mind, it doesn’t have to be said out aloud although you could do that if you wished). Sometimes I have to keep repeating these words until my ego/painbody subsides, but it’s never failed me. The hardest thing here is to REMEMBER to say, “EGO” or “PAINBODY” to myself in the heat of the moment.
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 11:49 am PDT

24
Hi Gemma!

I will try that. That’s a great idea! I think saying “EGO” and “Painbody” outloud will be more effective, because it’s physiological. Sometimes, when I’m feeling my ego rising.. for example, I’m feeling jealous, and I can feel this tightness in my belly. I would say in my mind, “Oh, there’s my ego, feeling treatened. It’s okay ego. See how much this person deserves…” and I could feel a sense of relief in my body. The tightness goes away, and the jealousy dissappears.
yumi

Dec 14 10, 12:30 pm PDT

25
I love this! I love the idea that God is peace and always resenting others shuts God and peace out of your life. I think I needed that reminder today. Thank you so much for sharing this with so many people.
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 1:03 pm PDT

26
yumi, I love that quote too. It’s a beautiful reminder, indeed.

“A peaceful person attracts peaceful energy. You won’t know God unless you’re at peace, because God is peace. Your resentments literally send God out of your life while you’re busy being offended.”
nrhatch

Dec 14 10, 1:46 pm PDT

27
Whenever we refuse to forgive, or agree to disagree, we are saying “I would rather be right than happy.”

Not a very pleasant way to go through life.

Whenever we feel “entitled” to hold on to our anger, hurt, and pain . . . the same is true.

We are holding on to something that is blocking peace and happiness from our life.

What a waste.

Great post.
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 2:00 pm PDT

28
@nrhatch

>Whenever we refuse to forgive, or agree to disagree, we are saying “I would rather be right than happy.”
>Whenever we feel “entitled” to hold on to our anger, hurt, and pain . . .
We are holding on to something that is blocking peace and happiness from our life.

I’m gonna have to quote you on these. Your words are perfect.
The Vizier

Dec 14 10, 5:13 pm PDT

29
Hi Tina,

Thank you for sharing the experiences you learned from your fight with your husband with us. I believe you are right. When you break it all down, couples fight because they need to feel appreciated and recognized. I also love all the comprehensive tips you have given on how to manage a fight when it happens. Setting aside our resentment, apologizing, forgiving and trying to find a resolution that pleases both parties is the way to go in settling differences.

Having said that, a fight doesn’t happen for no reason. There must be lingering resentment somewhere which has not been properly communicated which inevitably led up to the fight. What is important is that issues are resolved once and for all each time so that you do not keep fighting about the same thing.

Also, it is very important not to treat any displeasure, no matter how small as harmless or inconsequential. Because if it is not openly and candidly discussed at the onset, this small displeasure could grow into a massive problem one day.

The I-Ching states:

“If an inferior element has wormed its way in, it must be energetically checked at once. By consistently checking it, bad effects can be avoided. If it is allowed to take its course, misfortune is bound to result; the insignificance of that which creeps in should not be a temptation to underrate it.”

Here the inferior elements refers to the displeasure I mentioned above. If we can check any problems early, there will be less problems to deal with in the future.

Thank you for sharing this lovely post! :)

Irving aka the Vizier
Tina Su

Dec 14 10, 7:52 pm PDT

30
@The Vizier

Hi Irving,

Wow, that you for the reminder. I need to read the I-Ching. It’s been on my list for awhile.

It’s so easy to forget this pointer, since it is our survival instincts that pulls us to avoid uncomfortable situations and avoiding handling when the issue is small.

Thank you for that. It applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Tina
Uzma Mansha
Dec 14 10, 9:10 pm PDT

31
hey tina !! i love dis article of urs i enjoyed every minute of it. keep up d good work . it really helped me out by calmin me down i read it like 4 times ne way thanx so much for writing an article which came at d rite time wen i needed it most. tc wid lots of love
Rahi S.
Dec 14 10, 10:53 pm PDT

32
A vey honest, warm and educative article, Tina. Thank you for the sharing. ?
Manel W
Dec 14 10, 11:55 pm PDT

33
Great article. well done! Indeed I appreciate and say ok to every word there. you touched all the componenets of fighting in relationships.
Manel W
Dec 15 10, 12:56 am PDT

34
Hey Tina! as Rahi said it is a very honest, warm and educative article. The compassion feelings come out of that writing. I wanted to share with all my friends So. I sent tnat e mail to alll my e mail friend s over 300. I want to educate all my friends regarding that issue, They can read other good articles too. I do not know some times They just neglect saying no time. any way good luck to you.
Matt Davis

Dec 15 10, 7:00 am PDT

35
Wow! Some REALLY great stuff here folks! Thank you all for this.

@ Gemma – That is an AMAZING idea… and to piggy back off Tina’s thoughts… Applying a physiological/mind type mention to the issue is wonderful. It’s much easier for us to use something tangible when we’re caught there… (a word) rather then using something of the spirit, when we can’t see it.

Thanks a lot for that!

Love and light,

Matt
nrhatch

Dec 15 10, 8:09 am PDT

36
The thoughts I shared above are not original to me.
I absorb the wisdom of others readily. :)

And then share the wealth with others:
http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/12/15/wasted-days-and-wasted-nights/

To make their path through life a bit less rocky.

BTW: I believe the Dalai Lama pointed out that when we disagree with others, we have a choice to make ~ we can either be right or happy.
Tina Su

Dec 15 10, 8:51 am PDT

37
@nrhatch

Thanks for the correction. You must have been me quoting you on facebook. :) I just found what you wrote to be so profound.

Okay, I’ll quote that to Dalai Lama then. :)
Nea @ Relationship Saga

Dec 15 10, 2:45 pm PDT

38
I truly enjoyed reading this. Relationships are all about learning, patience, understanding and compromise. For this reason, I think the disagreements are just as important to the health of a relationship as the moments when you get along.

The “bad” times give us a chance to learn more about ourselves and our partners. We learn to be more patient, to reflect on our decisions, and to operate as a team.
Therese Miu

Dec 15 10, 4:26 pm PDT

39
This was a really neat article and I enjoyed every word. I know it comes from a place of peace, forgiveness, and deep acceptance.

My friend Crystal Mckay wrote this to me once on facebook. I always read it when I feel upset with someone or something lol. I hope you will find value in it sweetie.

“Ironically the people that seem to hurt us the most are those who, at the SOUL level, LOVE and support us the most…. witness this.
Almost always, and often at great expense to themselves in terms of discomfort.. these individuals try to teach us something about ourselves and encourage soul to move toward healing. ?

? SOUL Level… Yes. With the SOUL level we are encouraging/supporting “events” “circumstances” to happen as an impetus to “self” realizing how we “came to” our energy pattern presently resulted in circumstance…
Know this may not be an orange to orange personality exchange… :) more than likely the personalities of these individuals may clash and crash, love, tumble and fall.

_Look with a shift in perspective… (even with the most little incongruences in daily living) the SOULS of each “player” *set up* the scenario in the “hope” that the BEing will ‘come to’ and see the issue to heal -with the core, rawly, vulnerably. with R00Ts… With OpenNESS. Undress the skin, the mask of making things personal. Allow the ‘at home’ to be however YOU ARE. Feel Resonance As It Is. allow you to be just as you are, in the timing that is. Perfect. Whole. Abundant. Full.. Infinite._
Feel how this can translate into a wonderful tool in feeling Roots ALL-ways…. *anyway.*”

–
be a fool… Love anyway.
I appreciate you
–
Thank You Tina :)
Tina Su

Dec 16 10, 7:56 am PDT

40
@Nea – Relationship Saga

Thank you.

I agree that the disagreements are just as important to the health of a relationship. But we as a society have bought into the believe that relationships are supposed to be ideal, never arguments. And so, when we get into arguments, it’s easy to look outside and wonder if there’s someone else there better for us. This seems to be common from what I’ve seen of couples.

In this regard, the grass is always greener on the other side. No matter who we are in a relationship with, there will always be something that we won’t agree upon. Every relationship carries its “problems” (if you can call it that), and it’s up to us to adjust and learn from them. And these moments, as you said, are just as valid and valuable as when the pair is getting along.
Tina Su

Dec 16 10, 7:59 am PDT

41
@Therese Miu

Hi Therese,

Thank you for sharing that! It’s true that those we hurt the most are the people closest to us. And vice versa. :)

I appreciate you! Thanks for sharing this on facebook and twitter. And the feedback via email.

T.
Srikanth D
Dec 17 10, 1:43 am PDT

42
Hi Tina.. thanks for that wonderful article.. i completely agree with you about your point related to spending some “quality time” together.. which i feel is very much necessary..
Bryce Long

Dec 18 10, 4:17 pm PDT

43
Long and detailed post, thanks for sharing. I agree with most of the points in this article. I’ve been married for 8 years and if everyone read this post before committing then they’d be in a much better position long term (50% of marriages end in divorce).

Cheers,
Bryce Long
Blogging @ http://www.TheRichMindset.com
Helen M

Dec 20 10, 12:09 am PDT

44
Excellent article! Keep up the good work Tina!
Leah
Dec 20 10, 9:54 am PDT

45
Tina,

I cannot thank you enough for this post. My family has been going through a rough time this year (my Mom is struggling through all of her treatments for breast cancer).

Unfortunately, my Mom refuses to seek out any kind of help, counseling, or comfort. My parents had (another) terrible fight and right now I’m trying *not* to get wrapped up in the drama.

Your post was a gentle reminder of how important it is to not hold grudges. Also, an interesting approach to any sort of couple’s fight. I’m lucky right now that my husband is so incredibly supportive right now and I need to forgive and move on…because it’s not helping anyone in the family if I forget how to forgive.
Tina Su

Dec 22 10, 12:26 pm PDT

46
Hi Leah,

You are very welcome. Thank you for commenting and sharing a slice of your life with us.

It’s hard not to hold grudges sometimes. But once we realize that we are, be conscious about letting them go and setting ourselves free.

Tina
Leah
Dec 22 10, 12:43 pm PDT

47
You’re welcome. Your posts this holiday season have been most helpful. :)
jawatan kosong

Dec 23 10, 1:10 am PDT

48
Put a side your ego when you have confrontation with your partners, I think that is the key to prevent couples fight.
Matt Davis

Dec 25 10, 7:30 am PDT

49
@ Rachel – There’s more at the door??
Matt Davis

Dec 25 10, 3:56 pm PDT

50
There’s more what at the door??
Hu Rong Mei
Dec 27 10, 6:47 am PDT

51
Thank you. Some outstanding information there that I wish I had known before the end of some relationships came. Sometimes communication is the problem. When one of the two does not want to understand the other’s point of view. Things get stopped before they are shared.

Your words and actions are enlightening about equality, one sometimes feels and less often says.
Tina Su

Dec 28 10, 3:45 pm PDT

52
We are our greatest teachers, even if we don’t realize, that if we just looked within – we have all the answers that we seek.

Hu Rong Mei, I’m glad that you have found a place within you to forgive him. In forgiving him, we set ourselves free. :)
Vijay - Tips to get back your ex

Jan 05 11, 9:34 am PDT

53
Great advice Tina.
Learn and be open to all things experience in your life.
pradeep
Jul 18 11, 3:08 pm PDT

54
thanks a lot….it is really like a wake up call for me….
Patriots Jersey

Aug 15 11, 6:55 pm PDT

55
Your words and actions are enlightening about equality, one sometimes feels and less often says.
Prince

Mar 25 13, 12:25 pm PDT

56
Hi Tina
To be sincere, I wasn’t that surprised at your outstanding article because I have always read inspiring articles from your site here. You are highly gifted and this is one of the best article I have ever read online. You wrote as if you were talking to me personally. You inspired me to the point that I had to write something related to it on my facebook timeline. I wrote an article which I titled benefiting from relationship conflicts on my site sometimes ago and I will share the link at the end of my comment.
You see Tina, your advice on handling argument is very much true. I remember I also wrote another article I titled How to end the endless arguments in your relationship and I will also share the link later here. But my point here is that accepting to forget the past and focus on settlement is the beginning of the end of the relationship. Yeah, but I must confess that it is not really easy at all. We humans always want to portray our own points and we want others to sympathize with us, we always want others to feel our pains but just as you have said, we don’t know that forgetting our own pains and make that giant movement of saying: “I’m sorry my love” really sets us free. It takes time but it is true.
I remember that I once had problem with my fiancée and she always love sharing it with others not for advice alone but just for her to gain sympathy and complain to them but I strongly fought hard to make her realize the need for her to stop such actions and here you are talking about it which makes it nice.
I believe that our problems are better solved by us if only we can give the chance for inner peace through forgiveness. It is all about letting go that heavy feeling of hurt, cheated, depressed etc and set ourselves free through forgiveness.
I also believe that during couples arguments, they should avoid taking decisions because they will surely regret it. Couples should try to be calm first. Finally, just as you have noted that you and your husband are now living stronger. I strongly feel that there are lots of benefits which we can gain from our various relationship arguments or conflicts. That was why I wrote that article: once again, I sincerely appreciate you for this wonderful article. Below are the links to the articles I wrote, the first is How to benefit from your relationship conflicts and the second is How to end the endless arguments in your relationship: http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/06/how-to-benefit-from-relationship.html and http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/12/tips-for-solving-endless-argument-with.html

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Wasted Days and Wasted Nights « Spirit Lights The Way - Dec 17 10
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