How to End a Relationship

164 Comments

Breaking up with someone you love can be one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll go through. How have you handled breakups in the past? What can you do to minimize pain for the other person and yourself?

I’ve been on quite an emotional ride recently. What has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind involves a slice from my personal life. Without going into details, Adam, my partner for the past year, and I have decided to part ways. We will remain good friends.

The past three weeks have been a tremendously painful period, feelings of empathy mixed with remorse and guilt. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day.

When I first wrote about the art of keeping a relationship, my friend Pete Forde suggested that perhaps people could also benefit from an article on how to end a relationship. I noted his brilliant suggestion without further thought. Little did I know, this would become the center of my experience a month later.

This being a sensitive topic, I had a tough time finding genuine and in-depth resources online. My goal here is to capture the understanding and wisdom I’ve gained from going through this event, and to perhaps be of help or a point of clarity for your life story.

Feel free to add points that I’ve missed in the comment section. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

The Realizations

As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning and personal growth. I’ve learned as the years goes by, just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort. Don’t big life shifts always appear this way?

Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as an opportunity for change in the life direction you were meant to lead and benefit from. The following are some realizations I’ve learned with regards to relationships and the ending of them.

The Failure Misconception - Socially, we tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. We even articulate it as such; we say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, we leave a negative impression in our minds and an association with relationships in general. The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather the ending of a life situation in our story. We were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments and we were meant to learn from its challenges. New life and death are all around us. Every inhale we take is a birth and each exhale is the death of that breath; and life continues.
Being Honest to Your Needs - It’s important to clearly understand our needs in a relationship and qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself and don’t compromising the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed. Truth is, we can’t make people change we can only change ourselves. Small things will magnify with time. Be conscious of these small things and be honest with yourself. Understand your needs and be true to yourself. We only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter.
Fear and Guilt - We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We fear loneliness, we fear hurting our partner, and we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations. The guilt comes in when we recognize that we are not being honest with ourselves and thus being unfair to our partners.
‘Borrowed’ Desires - Sometimes in the presence of someone who is completely focused in getting what they want (ie. Your love), it influences your desires when in their presence. You pick up their strong vibe and their desire transfers to you. In a relationship, if one partner feels significantly stronger than the other, sometimes this strong desire rubs off on the other person. In the presence of the more interested partner, the less interested partner will feel that “This is the right thing for me. This feels right.” When separated from the partner with the strong desire, the less interested partner will feel less intense or indifferent about the relationship.
Love and Romance Can Be Mutually Exclusive - Sometimes when we have strong connections with people, we instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, and end up jumping into one with them. You can love people without being in a romantic relationship. I think we are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance. Truth is, the love we feel for others comes from a beautiful place within ourselves, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of our true nature, it has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, we can cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person.
Social Pressure - I felt the social pressure when considering my options. But at the end of the day, that pressure comes from my ego out of fear that I would look bad. I have a public image and on some level, I was afraid what people might think of me afterwards. That can turn into negative self talk. Here is an example of such a thought, “What would my friends think? What would my readers think? I am a horrible person.” I got out of this state by gaining clarity and recognizing that I needed to be honest with myself.
Loss of Friendship - Traditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off. It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months and years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else must be cut off. Why can’t we continue the other components of the relationship after our hearts are healed? Friendship does not have to be lost.
Fantasy Fueled By Desire - We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, and we end up living in that fantasy instead of reality. We repeatedly play the same videos in our mind, and believe that we will be happy when our life situation matches that of the mental videos. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, and we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy.

How to Break Up with Someone

Photo via Erik Clausen

Once you’ve decided that parting ways is the best solution, doing the actual break up can be pretty nerve racking, since people’s hearts are on the line. Here is a series of steps to help you through it and suggestions of ways to reduce pain caused to the other person.

1. Clarity - Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the surface reason isn’t the real reason. Dig deep within yourself to find the real reason. Being surrounded by the situation can cloud your judgment. Separate yourself from the situation and spend some alone time. This will help you gain the clarity you need. I’ve found journaling to be an effective tool.

2. Self Honesty - Make the commitment to be honest with yourself and the other person. The truth will set you free. Be committed to that.

3. Setup Meeting Time - Setup mutual time to talk to your partner as soon as possible. Some people are opposed to phone breakups. I think that face-to-face is always best, but if distance separates you, it’s best to do so as soon as possible rather than waiting.

4. State of Compassion - Before your meeting, get into a state of compassion for the other person. In a state of compassion, you will exude love and understanding, which you’ll need to help the other person heal. Some suggestions to help you get into a compassionate state:

Deep Breathing - Stand up straight, close your eyes, and place your hand on your heart. Take deep, long inhales and exhales. You can count the inhale/exhale length. After inhaling, hold your breath for a 5 count before exhaling slowly. Repeat at least 15 times.
Gratitude - Sit somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, and picture everything you are grateful for. One by one, images of people, situations, places, and things appear in your imagination. Alternatively, try writing this down instead of visualizing.
Focus on Love - Close your eyes. Optionally, put on some slow music which you enjoy. In your imagination, go back to all the times when you felt loved and when you felt love for others. Imagine times where you truly felt happy and free. Imagine yourself as a little kid, experiencing joy and freedom. Do this exercise for at least 5-10 minutes.

5. The Meeting - During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and respectfully for the sake of the other person. Here are some additional pointers for when explaining yourself during the meeting:

When explaining, focus on how things made you feel, this way your partner doesn’t get defensive. Make it clear that the situation is not their fault, since blaming doesn’t add value in helping the situation.
Talk about things you’ve learned from the relationship and what you are grateful for.
Be Genuine in everything that you say. If you don’t mean something, don’t say it. People can detect when you are not being authentic.

6. Be There - Your partner will get emotional and possibly very upset. They will bounce between different emotional states. Your job is to be there for them. Become the observer of the situation. Stay conscious, calm and alert.

7. Don’t take anything personally - When we are emotional and feeling hurt, we can easily become irrational and say things we don’t mean. Don’t be surprised if your partner acts like a small child and says unreasonable or mean things to you. They don’t mean it. They are simply hurt and need attention from you. Don’t take anything personally. Become the observer so you don’t get attached to what’s being said and react defensively.

8. Love Them - Love them regardless of the situation. They are human and have feelings. Remember you can love people without needing to be in a romantic relationship with them. Be there for them in that state of love and compassion, regardless of how they react. This will help you find your center, while remaining calm to best help the other person deal with the situation.

9. Fully Express Emotions - If you feel like crying, do it, and do it fully. This will release the emotional clutter in your inner space.

10. Multiple Meetings - it really takes several days before news can sink in. Don’t expect to meet once and be done with it. It is your responsibility to be there for that person, at least initially during a breakup situation.

11. Be Available - Do whatever is necessary to help them heal without compromising your values. Be available for them when they need you.

12. Space - Give them space. They will be hurt no matter what, so even if they appear fine on the outside, they are hurting. What they need now is time. Check up on them a few times in the beginning to make sure they are okay and to let them know that they matter. Remind them that you are here if they need your help to heal.

13. Relinquish Guilt - You may experience guilt, since you are the one initiating the breakup. You see that you’ve caused pain and this may affect your state of being. The following are some ideas that help to let go of this feeling:

Meditation
Deep Breathing
Alone Time
Exercise to Release Energy

How to Cope with Your Partner Leaving

I’ve had my share of heart breaks and understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It hurts, it really hurts. You feel like it’s the end of the world, and you wonder how you can possibly get over it. You will feel pain and despair, but I promise you, you will get over it. Time is the magic ingredient.

Photo via Aurora

I will have an in depth article on this topic soon. For now, here are some pointers for those on the receiving end of breakups. These have been helpful for me in the past.

Talk With Friends - In verbalizing your thoughts and options, you’ll gain better understanding and perspective.
Surround Yourself with Positive Energy - Be surrounded by friends and family. Be around happy and optimistic people. Be around people you like. Be around people who can make you laugh.
Love Yourself - Spend time inwards with loving yourself. Doing things to appreciate and love yourself will help you gain the self confidence and independence you need to heal. When was the last time you really appreciated yourself?
It’s Okay to Cry - In fact, I recommend it. Express the pain and let it all out. Don’t hold anything back, cry fully. Letting it out will be liberating for your being. It’s okay to cry.
Find the Lesson - What did you learn through this relationship? I’m a big believer that good can come out of every situation, even ones we’ve perceived as bad. Focus on what you’ve gained in life lessons that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
Fully Experiencing the Pain - When pain strikes, our instinct is to avoid it. We distract ourselves with other tasks while suppressing the pain. This doesn’t actually make the pain go away. “What we resist, persists.” The best way to deal with the pain is by fully facing it. Closing your eyes, fully experience that feeling of sharp pain within your being, and become the observer of that pain within you. Separate the observer from the pain.
Gratitude Visualization - Put your hands on your heart and gently shut your eyes. Visualize all the things, experiences, and people that you are thankful for. If you are visualizing a person, see their face smiling at you with joy and kindness. Give thanks for all the things we take for granted, parts of our body, the things we enjoy about our jobs, people who love us. Give thanks to your heart, which works continuously, without which we wouldn’t be here. Give thanks to our safe homes, the abundance of food, and clothing to keep us warm. Give thanks to people who have been kind to us. Give thanks to authors who have inspired us. Gratitude puts you in a state of love, acceptance and understanding.
Benefits to Me? - Focus on how this new situation can help you. Maybe you will now have the free time to pursue something that’s important to you. Maybe you can gain the independence and freedom you’ve wanted to experience for yourself.
Time Heals - After the initial shock has sunk in and you’ve had plenty of communication with your ex, take time to be separated from your ex partner. It’s hard to gain clarity, perspectives and independence while being reminded of them constantly. I recommend taking a few weeks to be apart: no meeting, no emails, no phone calls. With time, you will heal.
Silence Heals - Sit silently and observe your emotions and thoughts. Have a journal and pen at your side. When you have a realization, write it down in your journal. Use journaling as a tool to help you sort out your thoughts. It has the power to help you gain clarity.

How have you handled breakups in the past? How would you do it differently if given the chance?

Got tips for coping with breakups from the receiving end?
Share your voice in the comments below. Let’s make this a collective learning experience. Thank you for sharing this moment with me.

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

How to Get Over Breakups (Follow Up Article)
How to Keep a Relationship
The Secret to Self Loving
How to Build Intimacy in Any Relationship
The Art of Smiling

External Resources:

Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Book: The Power of Now
Book: Emotional Intelligence
Audio: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: Understand the Conflicts

164 Responses (157 Comments, 7 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Aug 13 08, 4:46 pm PDT

1
Brilliant article, Tina. You pretty much outlined a resource for anyone who is going through the difficulty of needing to end a relationship.

I’m really glad you highlighted at the outset the biggest misconception almost everyone has about breaking-up: that it was a failure. Clearly, as you pointed out, a break-up is not a failure. It is merely life moving forward, life moving in new ways, changes being made. Not a failure. Still painful and definitely an ending.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience that everyone else may benefit. :-)
Vered

Aug 13 08, 4:50 pm PDT

2
Thank you. Personal, brave posts like this make blogging an amazing medium.
Tom
Aug 13 08, 4:56 pm PDT

3
hi, great post. a very touchie and fragile subject. even reading it stimulates previous memorys.

wish i had read it back at those times :)

thx,
Tom
John

Aug 13 08, 4:57 pm PDT

4
Wow, what a wonderful article. One of the best you’ve shared, Tina. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such deep water, but I’m joyful that you are choosing love and grace and wisdom to grow through it.
Shilpan | successsoul.com

Aug 13 08, 5:12 pm PDT

5
Tina - I admire you for the journey that you have embarked upon as a caring, loving human being. You have a beautiful soul. Let it be soaked in the rain of tears. A new dawn is spreading its arms around you.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Aug 13 08, 5:19 pm PDT

6
Hi Tina, I understand what you mean. My ex and I held on for quite some time before we finally broke up… even though both of us knew the relationship was going nowhere and doing us more harm than good.

I guess the most important thing about a break-up is gaining closure. I never really did get the closure I was looking for until quite recently and the painful lesson I learned finally was similar to what you said…

We need to love ourselves first before we can love and allow others to love us…

Shun Jian
http://RichGrad.com
Personal Development for the Book Smart
Nathalie Lussier

Aug 13 08, 5:21 pm PDT

7
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with the world, to help others on their own journey. And don’t worry, we all love you no matter what your relationship status.

Love,
Nathalie
John Rocheleau

Aug 13 08, 5:33 pm PDT

8
Tina,

My best wishes and empathy go out to you and Adam. These are important decisions that will alter your lives. When things are “in a groove” we often miss that a relationship is not right. We find out when the comfort zone erodes and stress kicks in. Perhaps your trip to India was that catalyst.

I feel with everything you have said here, but one sentence especially felt significant to me.

“when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed. Truth is, we can’t make people change”

So true; we cannot change people, nor do we have the right to try to change them. When we love truly, we try to bring who they really are out into the open. If who that person is, does not engage who you are, then there is trouble.

In my own relationship, I have always been able to identify the core of good in my Wife. Everyone has one, and they are all different. I could always see this pure and wise side of her. At the same time, I have always seen and felt aspects of her that I didn’t like; that I could not enjoy or support. So our relationship has been one of trying to grow enough each day to be able to support the best and reject the rest in each other.

Fortunately for us, our individual bests are synergistic together. The rest of it — we work with and grow through. Have been for 33 years now. Tomorrow is another day of course :-)

Best,
John
Andrea Hess|Soul Realignment

Aug 13 08, 5:37 pm PDT

9
Great article as always, Tina! Timely, too - I just ended my relationship a few weeks ago and it is very, very tough. I’m not sure I was as gracious as you describe in your article. However, I made sure to give the other person plenty of opportunity for closure.

I’m a big believer in consciously creating a break-up, and I certainly did invest a great deal of thought in the situation. In the end, I believe this is a beginning as much as an end - and more expansion to come!

Blessings,
Andrea
Lewis

Aug 13 08, 5:38 pm PDT

10
Thanks for the post Tina, this is usually one of the hardest times for an individual, and people will benefit from your ideas

Lewis
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife

Aug 13 08, 5:46 pm PDT

11
What an incredible resource! I could have used this help many times in the past. Now, I’m happily married, but I think some of these same principles can carry over into other non-romantic relationships as well. I’ve left a couple of business relationships that felt like I was getting a divorce. I’m sure this guidance would have helped in those situations as well.
Al at 7P

Aug 13 08, 5:58 pm PDT

12
Hi Tina - thanks for sharing this post with us, and best of luck with you both.

I very much agree with your point about the failure misconception. There is so much personal growth that can come out of the experience, either revealing what we need in a relationship, or reaffirming the needs that we already knew but did not get. Sometimes things have to get a little worse before things get better, but ultimately you’ll be happier in the end.
Pete Forde

Aug 13 08, 6:02 pm PDT

13
Brilliant article, Tina… possibly your best in a string of great work.

I think that if people saw the end of a relationship as a success rather than a failure, the world would be a happier place.

Sometimes relationships are best ended on a high note.
Jayme

Aug 13 08, 6:31 pm PDT

14
I admire your courage and your peaceful approach to this situation is inspiring.

I think one of the difficult things about break ups is when we tend to feel inadequacy and/or self - pity. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” and “What did I do to deserve this?” can take over our minds and add to our pain.

But we should remember that our self - esteem is not dependent on a relationship or on another person but on how we value ourselves.

And instead of asking “What did I to deserve this?” ask yourself, “What did I do to bring about this situation?” not to throw blame but to take responsibility. Because when we take responsibility for the things that happen to us, it becomes much easier to learn the lesson and to change for the better.

Sending good wishes your way Tina and I hope things will turn out for the better for both of you.
Daniel Richard

Aug 13 08, 6:42 pm PDT

15
That’s a brave move for sharing this with all of us Tina. You are surely one strong person. Go on ahead and pursue more great things in life there! :)
Simple Mindz

Aug 13 08, 7:04 pm PDT

16
Tina,
This was a great post. Thank you.
Sorry to hear of your breakup.
When my ex and I split - it turned very nasty at the end. But it was honestly because I was being a jerk.
We are now back together and working on our relationship. And it is for the first time - both of us trying to make it work.
Breakups are so darn hard sometimes. And I thank you again for sharing this painful part in your life.
Robert A. Henru

Aug 13 08, 7:07 pm PDT

17
Tina, thanks a lot for this post.
I believe people will be able to learn from the lesson you share with us.
Great to know that you both are still friends.
And always look out on the positive things you can move forward to.
Wishing the best for you two.

Cheer up!
Robert
Kavita
Aug 13 08, 7:12 pm PDT

18
Hi Tina,

First of all, its a very well written and beautiful article. Many people would know the way-out to get over a relationship, which is not working.

Tina, Happiness cannot and should not depend upon people, things or circumstances as sooner or later there would be a change in it. Better to rely upon internal happiness rather than trying to seek it from other sources.

Third, Come out of your personality and think for few seconds that what would “mr./ms. abc = your role model” would do in such a circumstance or what would a person with a very positive attitude would do in such a moment. Let it go. I am stronger than that person and even I can do that and move ahead.

Have a great time and wonderful life and immense love and blessings.

God Bless U.
PeaceLoveJoyBliss
Aug 13 08, 8:02 pm PDT

19
A variety of relationships, at various levels of depth, is a feature of my life that I treasure deeply, one that serves to cushion any loss of love that I might experience with someone in particular - and it really helps me to know that love and romance need not be intertwined.
Evelyn Lim

Aug 13 08, 8:41 pm PDT

20
Tina, you are very brave to share your personal story, during a time like this. Judging from what you’ve said in your article, you do not need any more “advice” or suggestions.

You already have my support, even while we are miles apart. As I write this comment, I ask for divine guidance to help and support you, my friend, in need. I send you loving and healing thoughts.

Hugs,
Evelyn
Devan
Aug 13 08, 9:19 pm PDT

21
I admire the way to wrote a brilliant article whilst immersed in the throes of such emotional upheaval. You are outstanding.

I fully subscribe to the ‘Learn the Lesson’ philosophy - out of any perceived ‘negative’ situation, there are many lessons to be learned.

I went through a very emotional business relationship break up some years back, and it is amazing how many of these points hold true. It doesn’t always have to be a romantic relationship, but any relationship where there is a meshing of minds/ideas/thoughts/dreams/passions can break your heart when it ends.
Aw Guo

Aug 13 08, 10:14 pm PDT

22
It’s hard for me.

I was so depressed after my first love left me.

However, after about 2 years, I though I was so foolish. There are so many greater girls and my current girlfriend is much much better.

Anyway, It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just a wrong time and a wrong person you get. Don’t blame for each other and be happy in everyday’s life.
jasmine yuyutsu

Aug 13 08, 11:21 pm PDT

23
great blog thanks for sharing it

jasmine yuyutsu
adsense-blogtips.blogspot.com
valerie
Aug 13 08, 11:41 pm PDT

24
Hi, and yes thank you for your share. I have just ended a 10yr relationship, that has really been over for a long time. The real hard part for me, is the best friend part, the person you can call 1 to 7 times in the day for advice, questions, or just being goofy. To make a long 10 year story short, the first 3 yrs were great, but we would take from each other and for many years was cute, but then the stealing from each other turned into lying, drug addiction, and yes him cheating. well into the 4th to 8 yrs he was in and out of jail(drug related) and one rehab program, and for myself two rehab programs. The 8th-9th year both clean and sober best year of my life, he would still tell white lies but that i could tolerate. 9th to over 10yr hes off probation, we get back together after a short break-up, we start using again together, he starts lying, stealing from me again and dealing drugs. Since then, I have known it’s been over but sticking around for the sex and drugs, and praying for god to please help me one more time break free of this sick toxic relationship, and 1000’s of positive affirmations and self help mental work, I finally ended this relationship 3 days ago, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart, because if he wouldn’t have stole my brand new digital camera with the tags still on it and if he wouldn’t of told that ridiculous drug-induced academy award winner BIG FAT LIE I would still be hanging on trying to make that sick, toxic, unhealthy, abusive to both relationship work. I am finished with the drugs, lies and thieves, and i hold on dearly to the hope, faith and the little bit of love for myself and god dearly. Thank you so much for listening to me, if there hadn’t been websites like this i think i might of been dead. Thank you again so much. sincerly, valerie
Al
Aug 14 08, 1:10 am PDT

25
We have an issue with love: it is overrated.
People who allege they want a lasting relationship, may be at times the first ones to dump it, declaring it happens because “I don’t love him/her anymore”. Spelled like the ultimate self evident explanation :-)
And so what? Who cares!
Relationships START with love, but LAST with affection and respect, NOT with love.

Falling in love is by its own nature fleeting: you build nothing on it. And loving is subject to variations. When you say ‘love’, it can last if it is love like you may have it for god, or for a profession, or for an artistic talent. It seems that many times in our most emphatic feelings for another human being, we are still unable to bestow upon him or her the type of ‘love’ we may have for a profession or for a hobby.
That’s sad: we DO treat a living person as lesser element than those things; and we are brazen enough to call it… love!

So, if one wants the award for the Tza Tza Gabor Sentimental Maturity, one may found his or her relationships on love, and change husband or wife like one changes a shirt; otherwise, found it on affection and respect, and when love subsides, remember that there are far better and more important things in a relationship than your -evidently- somewhat either squalid or selfish ‘love’ :-)

A good alternative: don’t love at all, have feelings and respect. This doesn’t prevent you from finding many who behave the other way round, but you may eventually say that your “modest” affection was by far sounder than his or her hyped “love”.
Maybe he or she did not betray you, and yet you did: but cheating is overrated too. If I cheat once ina fluke and stay, I am better than one who never cheats and go because ‘does not love you anymore’: the most ludicrous of explanations.

If you want to break up don’t say you don’t love anymore, say rather that you need less commitment. For if to throw in a bin a person it is enough for you not to love anymore, your love was worth of that bin.
Jan
Aug 14 08, 1:26 am PDT

26
How to not cope… :-S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTVSygNKAsg
Michael Lee Stallard

Aug 14 08, 4:56 am PDT

27
Tina,

You’ve given me a lot to think about.

My wife Katie and I have been married for more than 24 years. She is the love of my life. We are great friends. My affection and respect for her comes from a mix of being attracted to Katie, sharing her values and knowing so much of her life’s journey, including the journeys of her family and friends. Although we share the same values (such as respect for people and spirituality), we are very different people. We have different temperaments that complement each another. We share many interests such as a love for the performing arts and for reading. We differ in that she is a singer who performs regularly, and although I enjoy watching her perform, I have little personal interest in performing as a singer. I like to exercise while she loathes it. Of one thing I’m certain, being with Katie makes me a better person.

When Katie was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer in early 2004, I was stunned. We have two daughters who were 12 and 10 at the time. The thought of our daughters not being with their wonderful mother and Katie not seeing the girls grow up made me sad beyond anything I had ever experienced. The thought of life without her was too painful to describe. During that season of treatment, the relationships and encouragement of our family and friends protected our spirits. Our friends brought us meals and hung out at our house. They were positive and kept us laughing and smiling, and oftentimes in awe of their generosity. The experience opened my eyes to the importance of human connection and relationships in life. I wrote an essay about it entitled “Alone No Longer.” I chose that title because I came to believe that I had been too focused on achievement in life and not enough on the people I love (i.e. that I love as family members and that I love as friends…two different types of love, as you point out).

Today, Katie is in remission. She looks and feels great. What the future holds, I don’t know but I am enjoying the journey and time together as a couple, as a family and as part of a community of friends.

You are a remarkable and wonderful person. I feel certain you’ll find the love of your life. My friends who compromised by continuing in relationships with people who were not right for them or who had questionable character, have paid a steep price. My friends who waited until they found the partner they could love and respect (a person their families and friends also felt good about), today I see a genuine sense of joy in their lives that comes from connection and commitment in the very best sense of those words. And that’s my hope for you. The same hope I have for my daughters.

Life has inevitable difficult periods. During the seasons when we need healing, it seems from my own journey in life that a number of things have helped. Time spent with family and friends. Music, books, movies and Broadway shows that inspire me. Experiencing the beauty of nature whether it was lying in the sun next to the ocean or driving through the mountains. Admiring the beauty of art. Slowing down and taking time to think and make sense of my life’s experiences. I think it’s wonderful that you’re taking the time to give this experience a lot of thought and writing about it and interacting with others which brings even greater clarity. Thank you for being so open and sharing what you’ve learn with us so that we benefit from your insights.

With best wishes,
Michael
Glen Allsopp

Aug 14 08, 6:01 am PDT

28
Excellent as always, i know this is something very personal so although it must have been difficult to write…I can see you have a lot to share

Cheers,
Glen
Jim McDish
Aug 14 08, 6:51 am PDT

29
No Doubt dude, breaking up is hard to do. Just make it all work out!

JT
www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
Joel
Aug 14 08, 6:53 am PDT

30
I think this is way oversimplified. First of all, relationships arent a breathe in and a breathe out. Although they sometimes are, people depend on eachother whether they want to admit it or not. People are not all these independent, emotionally strong, free spirits like you describe. Most breakups are followed by distrust of one another, lying, and other behavior to try to regain control after someone dumps you. The notion of having a healthy friendship that isn’t shrouded in harbored contempt or dishonesty rarely actually happens. When it does its refreshing, but its not because of some methodology like you post here.
Jake
Aug 14 08, 6:56 am PDT

31
Thank you for this. I have not been over a girl for over a year now, and I always had that guilt and senseless failure thinking. I appreciate that you spent the time and heart towards this.
Anon
Aug 14 08, 7:04 am PDT

32
What do you do in the situation, where your partner breaks up with you, trying to do the whole “perfect breakup” routine, when you know she/he is doing so to be with a new love interest?

A totally different situation and one where a pretty breakup ritual can’t make it all ok.
Laura
Aug 14 08, 7:05 am PDT

33
Tina ~

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your words with us all. It has been a year since I began the journey of surviving a breakup. I was not always gracious, and my partner was not “there for me”. This article would have helped us both to navigate the troubled waters of human emotions and relating.

I feel it’s important too to realize that we all “move forward” at different rates. It takes some people longer to heal, longer to find balance and equilibrium after the loss of someone dear. There must be grieving and empathy in order for there to be acceptance and understanding.

Learning from the experience is necessary for growth, for discovering who we are, truly, and for finding better ways to articulate our desires, to communicate our needs (not neediness), and to express our passions in a way that brings clarity, and peace.

Thank you, for your generous spirit, for your compassion, and for articulating that which we should all be taught…healthy relating.

Laura
Daniel
Aug 14 08, 7:08 am PDT

34
Very good article. I myself was dumped a year and a half ago by a girl that was really special to me (she left with a friend of mine). At first all I could do was ask myself why she had done it. Now I’m starting to realize it really doesn’t matter why, the important thing is to get over it, and there’s nothing like time and distance to achieve it.
Sunny
Aug 14 08, 7:08 am PDT

35
What you suggested about friendship is nearly impossible, especially if you are walking into a new relationship. You have to care about how the other person feel about being friends with your ex. Worst of all, it is possible to relapse when being friend with ex.

Everytime you talk to your ex, it brings back the memory of the good time. It is very easy to feel sad and it gets worse if the other party feel the same ==> relapse…hurting the one in your current relationship.

Sometimes, being friend with ex can be quite counter-productive, especially if their intention is wreck your current relationship so that you will end up being with him/her again.

That’s all from personal experience. In all, I would really recommend being friend with ex unless you are absolutely sure that there is no dire consequence following your decision. Chances you can never be sure anyway.
Lisa
Aug 14 08, 7:24 am PDT

36
I just got out of a very deep, intense - yet so complicated relationship. The breaking-up process takes 9 months! I was at the receiving end of the break-up, and it hit me real hard at first. But he kept strung me along for 9 months! At the end, I gathered all of my strength, all of the pain he caused - and I ended it. From my end.

I never felt so relieved - like a huge object has been lifted off my chest! Yes, it still hurts a little bit sometimes, but it’s all worth it. Yes, I do miss him at times - but I can definitely do without him.

Just a little note on keeping the friendship with ex(es) - I think it really depends on how the relationship was, how it was ended - and most importantly - is it really a two way friendship? In my case, it was not. So I chose to cut it loose.
Beth

Aug 14 08, 7:43 am PDT

37
I would love to share this article with my college-aged daughter who at some time in her life, will experience a break-up from a serious relationship; but coming from Mom may be the kiss of death. I’ll just save it for now.
Mekura
Aug 14 08, 7:52 am PDT

38
Tina,

All of your points are spot-on, but there’s one or two points I would add. When someone breaks up with you, be sure that you don’t cultivate an “I’ll show them” attitude. No dating their friend, or getting something they’ve always wanted, or being passive-aggressive towards them in any way. Most importantly, don’t try to turn friends against them or force your friends to take your side against your ex.

While it’s okay to explore activities you’ve wanted to do but that your ex would frown upon (and sometimes it’s surprising how many of those there are), make sure that you’re not doing so mainly because of your ex. If you are, you’re still giving them some control over your life, and for a while at least, you need to be living for yourself.

That being said, changing your daily routine after a breakup can be quite helpful in finding closure. If you’re still going through all the movements of your “old” life together, you’ll often notice the absence of your ex much more than if you redecorate your bedroom, listen to new music, or start going to different restaurants, for example.

Thank you for the wonderful article, Tina, and I wish the best for you in growing from the challenges you are facing at the moment.

-Mekura
Pheobe
Aug 14 08, 7:53 am PDT

39
I have been going through some very tough times with my boyfriend for a while now. It all started with small fights about random things we never cared to fight about before. Once we realized it was happening a bit too much, I re-evaluated the relationship and myself. Why was I with him? Why do I love him? What do I want from a relationship? Am I getting enough of what I want? Of course these questions and this mindset made me become even more distant from my partner.

We have talked and have been nothing but open about everything we are feeling and thinking, but it’s almost as though it hasn’t helped any. Now we are just stuck. I am too afraid to make any decision of whether or not to stay in this relationship. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. We have broken up one or two times before, and obviously came back together. Does this signify that we should just try harder to make it work, or I should try harder to make up my damn mind?

The heart can be clouded so easily. I feel like I would almost rather someone else just make up my mind for me and pretend that I didn’t have a choice, just so I wouldn’t be responsible for the wrong decision….

This article definitely helped me clear up a few things in my mind. For one, I read this article over the “How to keep a relationship” about two times. If their is anymore advise in the world for me, please provide it!
Zach
Aug 14 08, 8:11 am PDT

40
I’m still sort of getting over a relationship from 8 months ago. I’m almost over it now but damn was it hard in the first couple months. The reason for the breakup was I was away for 6 months and my ex got swept up by one of her friends who I always knew liked her. He broke up with his own girlfriend to go out with my ex. Man I was pissed and was so close to jumping him but in the end, I found my cool and just let it be. In addition, I guess I always knew that in the end I needed to break up with her for various reasons. I was just always avoiding the inevitable.

The comments for this article really helped me a lot. I find it very comforting knowing that there are others are out there in the exact same situation as me. Let’s all try to move on with our lives and find a better partner that will erase our ex’s memory.
Anisa
Aug 14 08, 8:32 am PDT

41
Hello again, Tina :)

I imagine you know that I feel for you- you were a great help to me when I went through this myself not so long ago. For that, I’ll be forever grateful.

In the past couple of weeks, as I’m sure is natural, I’ve done an incredible amount of thinking, both inwardly and verbally with friends. A few things have become more apparent and apply more strongly to my happiness as time goes by:

I must accept that I must love myself as I am; I must be aware that I will grow and change in a whole number of ways, but I will always be me fundamentally, and if I can’t be happy with myself as I am and as I change, the kind of relationship I look for won’t be able to bloom.

Furthermore, the act of ‘true’ love, I believe, is an art, honed with experience and maturity. At this point in time, whether because of the recent break up or otherwise, I’ve realised I’m not yet emotionally mature enough to sustain a strong relationship. This encompasses trust, unconditional love and understanding/compassion.

And so, to my final, perhaps most important point. The biggest thing that I’ve learnt from this, and possibly the biggest thing that I have learnt all year, is that everybody is imperfect- the strongest, longest-lasting love comes when one is mature enough and loves themselves enough to be able to look past another person’s imperfections, and loves them despite; the ‘faults’ are not a reflection on yourself, nor do they jeopardise the way you feel about this person.

My mistake was to ask my then-partner to change for me, when I didn’t really know myself what exactly it was that I wanted him to change. Combine this with somewhat shakey communicative skills that were saturated with unruly emotion. Even now, trying to specify what I was asking for makes my mind reel, because I spoke to him with trepidation and a lack of belief in my values, which comes back to the emotional maturity/self-love thing. To him, this became a brick wall for our relationship: he was not going to change, nor did he think he should, because that’s not what love is about. He’s right, but I believe that we were both in the wrong, and that, in youth, we were still experimenting with our boundaries and personal values.

As it stands, part of me still wants to save the relationship. He’s a good, kind person, but his stubbornness and resolute decision keep him separated from his emotions, so I feel as if there’s nothing I can do. The rational part of me, though, is beginning to see the benefits in this for the time being. I’ve learnt a huge amount from this, and am glad to realise that, of your checklist, I’ve been running through at least half of them in my progressive healing process!

I want to thank you again for all your thoughts, and hope you’re keeping well. I find travelling helps :)
slicenglide

Aug 14 08, 8:47 am PDT

42
I found a few things about the article a bit wonky. First, prep time with music and loving thoughts. You don’t have to get all Kum Bay Yah before having the chat, you just have to suck it up and admit that you’re willing to burn one to the fire for the greater good. As much as you are in love with the idea of being, “Just Friends.” friends in a good number of cases isn’t going to work out or be fair to the guy. Guys have a shitty disposition to think, “She’ll come around and realize what she’s missing.”

It’s training we received from every eighties movie that told us… if you just stick in their long enough, her will will break and she’ll be yours. I don’t think it was the idea they were trying to convey… but damned if I don’t know at least five guys that are in some holding pattern like this while their ex, or girl that they like is giving it to someone else. Let’s be honest here for a moment. If you are willing to break up with someone, you’re telling them, “I love you, but not that much… take it down a notch?” I think trying to get the best of the person you had while keeping it non-relationship or nonsexual is a cop out.

I think the best way to break up with a person is deep and brutal honesty (For men definately.) He needs to know that you and him will never work out again. That you tried to reconcile differences, but that it didn’t work out… and it’s best if you never try to make it happen again. Kind of like sending the other person into exile. That way there is no hope left in the other person that it may again work out.

That way, the other person isn’t stuck in a holding pattern waiting for you to come around. They fully know they must grief and move on, because they get nothing from you. No love, no friendship, no caring and compassion. A true sign that this road is a dead end and I need to move on.

I admit that after breaking up in my early relationships I tried it your way. What I was left with was longings and desires for that other person that I still saw and talked to that carried on for too long. I was stunting my own development. When that other person did move on, I was very bitter and very hurt. Fix to that?

I actually met a girl who broke up with me, and broke up with me well. She told me what was wrong, why it wasn’t fixable, that I was no longer a part of her life, and pretty much that it wasn’t going to be worthwhile to try and keep contact.

Best breakup ever… I grieved, I moved on, and other than a good relationship tale… I don’t think about her or pine for her any more.

More than one way to approach things, you may find one way better than the other. Least I skipped the listening to soft music, rubbing my heart, and general life coach douche baggery.
Alex
Aug 14 08, 9:10 am PDT

43
I just got out of a 2 year relationship, my first long term relationship. We care deeply for each other, but we’re just not a good fit together anymore. It has been the most difficult period of my life, this past month, but I think I’m starting to see some rays of hope. We decided to no longer talk to one another about 3 weeks ago, and I think it will be a long time before i’m capable of doing so again.

I think an addendum to your method would be to make mention that in order to be friends, both people need to be ok with the other person dating and being intimate. I’m mostly alright with the break up at this point, but thinking of her with other guys… turns my gut into a knot and balls my fists.
Boo Radley
Aug 14 08, 9:13 am PDT

44
“We will remain good friends.”

Hahaha… Yeah, riiiight….
Coherent
Aug 14 08, 9:16 am PDT

45
Look, this blog post only shows the positive comments. I think this is pretty indicative of how you will take criticism. Hide it away, never show it to the world, the horror, the horror!

This was obviously written from the perspective of the person initiating and forcing through the breakup. As such, it contains a metaphoric ton of rationalization and delusion. “We will remain good friends”? How can you possibly assure that? That completely depends on the person you’re breaking up with, their capacity for forgiveness, and it’s not going to be decided at all for at least six months when they feel absolutely nothing when they think about you. Then they’ll decide if they still want to be around you at all.

Also, I find point 8, “Love them” to be completely disingenuous. The whole point of the relationship ending is that you don’t love them, or at least, not so much that you could stand their faults. You are going from one extremely intense state of love to a very mild and weak form of love. Going from love that requires the two of you in daily contact to a love that requires an occasional “Hello” at parties or social events when you bump into each other.

And realistically speaking, your ex-partner isn’t going to be “cool” with you for years. It might be literally years before he or she will be able to think about you without feeling pain and loss. Oh yeah, sure, you can be such good “friends” when the presence of one friend causes the other to feel like they want to die. Like that’s all going to be just hunky-dory.

I’ll tell you what, why don’t you write another article in three-to-five months, an article that tells us how it’s all going. Or better yet, have your ex-partner write the article, because only he or she will know the truth about what worked versus what was bullshit.
Jade
Aug 14 08, 10:41 am PDT

46
Amazing timing. My partner and I of 4.5 years just broke up. As in, happened yesterday. It wasn’t a “bad” break-up by most standards. We talked, we communicated - we came to the realization that for each of us to remain true to ourselves; our relationship as it was could not continue. We live together and I have made the decision to move out. Sure, you point out that cutting off all ties to a person you loved and had a friendship with might not be the best idea - but sometimes, it’s for the best. At least for while. I know that if I continued to live together and continue the friendship aspect of our relationship right now, old habits would creep up and it would not be healthy for myself. So at this time, I have to remove myself from the situation, from the friendship, from all of it - so that I may heal on my own. Thank you for sharing all of this; it could not have happened at a better time for me. I wish you the best for your future.
Sara at On Simplicity

Aug 14 08, 10:48 am PDT

47
I think you’ve pretty much got it covered here. I do best when I give myself a couple of days to be a disaster. I wallow in it until I’m sick of wallowing. At that point, I find myself excited to move on and ready to shed the baggage, even if I’m still sad.

I would also add that it’s important to set clear boundaries. Both partners can be hurt when the scope of the breakup is unclear. Are we broken up temporarily? Do they want to try again later? If it’s over, say it’s over. Be careful with being available to them, as this can send mixed messages that prolong the hurt. I’ve been on both sides of this one, and they sucked equally.

Best wishes for both of you as you move on.
James
Aug 14 08, 10:55 am PDT

48
This comes across like the first stages of breaking up with someone your really in love with. If the relationship was really intense you are kidding yourself if you believe you can continue caring and loving that person like a close friend. If you do, you haven’t really ended the relationship, and it will get very messy when you or your ex-partner start having serious relationships with others.

It is painful breaking up, but partially breaking up is even worse in the long run - you can cause a lot of distress to your ex without realising it if you don’t make a clean cut.
Steve
Aug 14 08, 11:28 am PDT

49
thank you SO much for writing this article!! it was exactly what i needed to hear when i found it on Digg. Really. I love how you help me to see my own life clearer in all your articles.

if you ever make it to san diego I would love to buy you dinner out of gratitude.
JF
Aug 14 08, 11:37 am PDT

50
I don’t agree that two people who are ending a relationship need to be there for each other for emotional support. I went through some breakups of each type and the most important thing I felt whether I was breaking up with some one or being dumped was the need to get along with myself and to let go if the other person. Having an ex call to check up on you seems unnecessary and prolongs the break up process. Emotional attachments end with time but if the person is constantly in your life it takes longer and the attachment may never even end. I remember caring so much for someone that I broke up with and I honestly wanted to communicate with them as a friend but it just ended up causing them unnecessary pain. Likewise, when my ex contacted me I really didn’t want to go back to how I felt. If it is over, move on with your life. The primary focus should be on healing yourself and loving yourself. When you are comfortable with that then that makes you available emotionally to meeting someone new. This person’s advise while honorable leaves me with the
impression of carrying emotional baggage and that is very unhealthy. I can’t see breaking up, moving on and then making myself avail for the lamenting party of the ended relationship. That would hold me back. And like she pointed out, we only have so much time in this world. Communicate clearly, don’t be afraid to be honest. Never say it’s not you, it’s me unless you really mean. Be clear in letting someone know why it is over.
Anonymous
Aug 14 08, 11:56 am PDT

51
I am going through a break up myself right now. I read this article to help me get through this horrible feeling that I am having. Shortness of breath, nausea, you know, the heart ache. We broke up on good terms, which is why this hurts the most. Never have I ever gone through such a great relationship and ended it on good terms. Was told to take everything in and look at it as how I should have been treated. From reading this article, I’m going to have to say that it made me feel better. So glad that I ran by and saw this article.

Thank you very much.
nightfever
Aug 14 08, 12:36 pm PDT

52
i won’t agree with: “Remember you can love people without needing to be in a romantic relationship with them. ”
A romantic relationship and feelings are things you share with that person, an intimate situation. You can’t look at a person after “you’ve seen him naked”, after sharing the same bed with him, after spending great moments with him in the romantic state. It may sound lame, but the sex part is very important in having deep feelings, and no other state (as the friend state) can give you such feelings.
Remaining friends after breakup is losing all those special feelings you have with that person.
I also think that women react in other ways than men do. Women CAN remain just friends, but few men can’t. I surely can do this only if i don’t have any feelings for her.

I usually cut any contact after breakup. No phone, no internet, nothing. And i thing this is a good thing, because you can focus on what you feel for that person, and decide if it’s good to make up.

Also, i agree with remaining just friends before make up.
Evan
Aug 14 08, 1:10 pm PDT

53
And what about when you have major business interests together? As in your home, property, livelihood all in one place. Not so easy to bow out (gracefully) then. Look at all those farmers and other land based partnerships. We don’t all have paid jobs or are mobile self-employed.
Breaking up in these cases means loosing your job, neighborhood, home, profession, and self image.

I agree with coherent above that there’s probably another version of this (and every other) breakup. The driver always looks ahead and says we’ll remain friends while the other person is left dazed and stranded. How to be friends on such uneven footing?

***************
REPLY

Thanks for adding your thoughts Evan. I can only speak about my own situation. The article is based on my own experience and I’ve made it as general as possible, as you said, there are exceptions.

Re: Being Friends

In my case, the other person was the one who suggested that we shall remain good friends. The driver just wanted to do what it takes to help the other person heal.

I’ve been on both sides of breakups and understand where everyone is coming from regarding my remarks with staying friends.

I think it’s important to get over the other person before attempting friendship, otherwise, it will be an unfair and painful situation for the person on the receiving end. For Adam and I, we have mutually agreed to not be in contact for a set period of time for this reason.

Warmly,
Tina
Charlotte
Aug 14 08, 5:30 pm PDT

54
Thankyou Tina for such an empowering article, I felt the strings in my heart pull as I read your words. I admire and respect your decision to focus on an issue current in your world.

A high school teacher once said to me, ok, you love him…. but is he your friend - And will you be friends when the love is gone? I didn’t know what to say in response, and didn’t understand what he meant. Needless to say, that relationship ended badly. But 15 years later I can answer that, my husband and I are friends as well as lovers and partners. Continue being kind to yourself, every day is the brith of another future.

Charlotte
Alfez
Aug 14 08, 6:48 pm PDT

55
I enjoyed this - thank you
ElGordo
Aug 14 08, 8:52 pm PDT

56
Tina you have attempted a great thing and from the preponderance of comments, may have succeeded. Still, I offer a contrarian — and some will surely say, anachronistic — view. I think it’s fair to assume that all the tales of love and woe above involve total sexual intimacy, and that’s considered natural and normal in 2008.

Of course it wasn’t always so. More people waited until marriage, or even engagement, before getting too cozy. This was considered, consciously or not, a test of self-control and fidelity (indicative of future behavior) as well as a fuse protecting against all or most of the above stories.

Somewhere, when having sex became so recreational, the huge emotional and even (dare I say?) spiritual interleaving with that act was set aside. Maybe if men are really from Mars it was already set aside, but when the Venusians signed on to hookups and friends-w-benefits, “courtship” roared down the slippery slope. I surmise that it really picked up steam decades before “have sex” (15 million google hits) supplanted the more humane “make love” (9 million). The very language reflects a more harsh, utilitarian, transactional state of affairs (pardon the pun).

So from my vantage, the typical relationship recounted above was a “trial marriage” — except that each utterly lacked the commitment that undergirds the battered and flawed institution of marriage. Hmmmm, so they weren’t trial marriages, so what were they?

>Trial divorces.< With all that easy and sanctioned intimacy, the hearts get swept along, only to be smashed or shallowly consoled. But divorce is hard; breakup of a fully sexual relationship is catastrophic and every bit as damaging as divorce. Read the above tales as evidence. People become more wary, even cynical. And of course, turning back the clock on automatic, assumed intimacy is very difficult. I have a separated woman-friend now who won’t sleep with her several suitors — her standard does weed ‘em out. But what a protection to a relationship to say: we will draw the line somewhere short of intercourse and bank that self control as worthwhile to us years later (if and after we marry) when temptation knocks, which it likely will.

I come from a family line with not a single divorce, as does my wife, and we have been married for decades, after both of us dating many people under these assumptions. That doesn’t make them right, but know that such relationships and “fuses” are possible, and could preclude a lot of the pain which Tina has tried to mitigate.
Yamil Gonzales

Aug 14 08, 9:18 pm PDT

57
The question is… who wants to end a relationship, i’ve been single for too long for not appreciate a relationship…

just my thoughts…
Coherent
Aug 14 08, 11:56 pm PDT

58
I’m currently going through a breakup. I didn’t initiate the breakup. They apparently fell out of love with me without telling me, they didn’t let me know that their feelings had changed until it was too late.

It feels like being stabbed in the neck by the absolute last person you ever expected to hurt you, the one you loved, the one you would die for… suddenly decides that’s not good enough, you’re not good enough for them. However they euphemize it, they have decided that you should be voted off their island, forever.

When you love someone, you trust them not to hurt you. They have vast power to damage you, you give them your heart and soul, as fresh as a newborn baby bunny.

Then one day, that baby bunny dies in the cold, and they never tell you until it’s far too late, until that piece of your heart is just… gone, forever. A hole remaining in your soul where you gave them that part of yourself. You never get it back. It never heals. It numbs over slowly, but it never heals, and you just get older and older always with the pain, the numbing agony where love once flourished and grew. Even with new love, it merely distracts from the old pain, the stricken landscape of memories in your heart.
Manishi

Aug 15 08, 3:35 am PDT

59
I must appreciate the ways you have narrated the whole incident.
The honesty and open heartedness that you have adopted is remarkable.

I wish you luck in life and everything that you do.

Regards
Manishi
http://manishi.vox.com/
sukhatme
Aug 15 08, 6:33 am PDT

60
very appealling…makes you think after reading.
Nick
Aug 15 08, 6:43 am PDT

61
Hi, thank you for this piece.

I had a break-up several weeks ago and have done a lot of reading and journaling to heal.

Being quite science-oriented, there has been the desire to understand — to replay the situation repeatedly looking for forensic evidence — as if understanding “why” would lessen the pain or release the present from the grip of the past. That search only serves to prolong the acute pain of ‘breaking up’ and prevent it from becoming the dull pain of ‘moving on’. The pain of breaking up — so common that it need not be described in more detail — fills the vacuum of consciousness and prevents mental space from filling with loss, emptiness and loneliness.

In many conversations around the subject, the truism seems to be that a break-up is most painful for as long as we choose it to be — for as long as we hold ourselves in that acute and painful moment. Some hold themselves in that moment for an instant, others for a year. The difference seems that those who let go after a moment are honest with themselves and fall into the arms of friends and family. The ones that hold on for long periods of time are resisting and internalizing.

Often the process appears to have more to do with the state of someone’s relationship with their own life than with another person — those who accept themselves and the life they have created release quickly. If we find ourselves holding onto another and consciously prevent ourselves from healing, we ought look at the rest of our lives to understand what holding onto that pain does for us — what the noise of that pain silences.

I would strongly recommend anyone going through a break-up to use the opportunity and investigate any unpleasentness. Once the other person walks away, everything after that is of our own individual creation. If a break-up seems unimaginably difficult and intense, please use the experience to grow in strength. In my own case, I have come to understand that I become anxious when intimacy reaches shared control over finances. Knowing that will not bring the last relationship back however it can make the next a great success

One quote I would like to add comes from helpguide.org:

“In crisis there is opportunity. Although your current breakup can trigger unresolved memories that add to your pain and grief, the availability of raw memories gives you an opportunity to revisit unresolved past hurts, reevaluate and heal them.”

To anyone else going through a break-up — no matter which side you are on — I strongly agree break-ups are neither personal failures nor signs that the world is a dark, difficult place. Please re-read this article several times. And be nice to youself. You are lovable, loved and important.
Ashish
Aug 15 08, 10:37 am PDT

62
i have been through one breakup. i would say if possible go away from that person in a different town or city. i would also recommend not to continue friendship with that person. i am no expert on the subject. but just my personal experience.
ratherbedead
Aug 15 08, 1:37 pm PDT

63
I was broken up with this morning after 3+ years, two living together. He said that he didn’t love me romantically anymore.

I’ve never felt pain like this, and seems impossible to get out from under, or that it will ever end. Every second is agony. Time is not moving fast enough with it’s ever healing properties.

I wish I had an emotional dead switch. I’d pull it.
Coherent
Aug 15 08, 4:53 pm PDT

64
ratherbedead - try to think only about the bad things about him, the stuff that drove you crazy. It helps, a little. Try to get as far away from him as you can, and have absolutely no contact with him, even if you’re tempted. Just let it pass. I know what you’re going through, I’m in it too right now.
Bill
Aug 15 08, 6:16 pm PDT

65
Tina,

I subscribe to your blogs through my gmail account. You know how gmail lets you put a star next to important messages? This one made me wish I could put about ten stars next to it. I truly admire your clarity, courage, and honesty.

I went through a terribly painful breakup earlier this year. In some ways it was the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time - it put me at such a low point that I was forced to look deep inside and make some fundamental changes in myself, all of them for the better. The pain is still there; it just fades away slowly.

Reading your wise words is an enormous help. Thank you so much for writing this.

*************************
REPLY:

Thank you Bill. I deeply appreciate your sweet message. Notes like this really encourages me to continue writing.

Going through painful experiences like breakups makes us stronger and truth is: it is a part of life. It humbles us into the realization that we cannot predict the future, and that change is happening around us all the time.

It’s the low moments in our experience that makes us truly appreciate the high points. Think of this experience as a gift, that will transform you into the person you were meant to be, and that will create a solid foundation for the perfect relationship you were meant to have, in the future. Trust me. You will look back when you are in such a relationship in the future and recognize that it was meant to be, for the best. :)

Don’t you feel like a stronger person having experienced that?
What did you learn about yourself or others that can improve the quality of your life?

Warmly,
Tina
Kamal
Aug 15 08, 11:00 pm PDT

66
A really touchy and honest article you have managed to pen. Not everyone is so clear about their feelings, its like you have found yourself.

I went through a breakup too, unfortunately for me the long distance did not work out. The rift began under my feet and i was barely aware of what was going on until the dreaded phone call that tore me apart.

After all was over and my repeated attempts to mend the problem failed to pull her back. I realized somehow it was impossible to change my feelings for her. I could never talk to her after that. The pain of loss was just too much to handle. I gave a thought to continuing as friends but the risk of re-igniting the relationship is very high. Feelings can get the better of a person sometimes. So i choose to run away, and believe that not all problems in life need to be solved.

What do you think ?

***********************
REPLY

Hi Kamal,

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate the honestly and openness.

What I’ve learned is that we cannot control how other people feel and that the only thing we have control over is ourselves, our perspectives and our choices. You know the saying “You can change the wind, but you can adjust the sail.”

I’ve also learned that regardless of how bad a situation may appear to us know, in time, we will recognize that it was for the best. It is the best thing which can happen to us, because it is happening to us right now. This moment is all there is.

I’ve personally been on the receiving end of breakups in the past and I can relate with the initial feeling of wanting to run away. But, you know, sometimes unresolved emotional issues carries with us to our future relationships, even if we don’t immediately recognize this. I think we do get over our ex-lovers, eventually with time. That’s just my personal perspective on the matter.

What did you learn from this relationship? What did you gain by having experienced it?

Warmly,
Tina
Aaron

Aug 16 08, 4:07 am PDT

67
Tina, thank you for writing this. Although I’m not planning to break up, I’ve spoken to so many people who have over the years and this information is going to come in handy for those who might speak to me about breaking up in the future.

I really hope this indispensable article will eventually become the easiest one to search for, if someone does happen to make the effort to do the research. Unfortunately, I believe that people who don’t bother to do a bit of research, emulate the numerous breakups they’ve seen on TV and movies which is probably why these situations often become overly dramatic.
Mike
Aug 16 08, 3:33 pm PDT

68
Hi Tina,

I have never left a comment because English is my 3rd language and cannot write very well… but this subject was so powerful and love reading the way you write and the articles are always at the right points of my life…

First, hope you are doing well and back to full speed enjoying life!

I have been in a break up situation for the pass Month and I have moved on and back on my feet. The article really helped me analyze the step I have taken and when any situation of separation (that will) occurs again. I will be able to get on my feet fast and stronger… Learn the lesson of life.

I will return to the anonymous reader… ;-)
M
Gil

Aug 16 08, 7:17 pm PDT

69
Being amicable is very important in any relationship breakup situation. But Tee, should you ever find the urge or inkling to do so, just let me know and I will happily drop kick anybody you wish. : )
fiona

Aug 16 08, 10:53 pm PDT

70
I dont see the logic of being there always for the person whom you broke up. I think it would just be harder for them to let go. Better let them have their own space.
Lauren
Aug 17 08, 12:03 pm PDT

71
As per remaining friends with an ex-lover, I personally don’t see how it’s possible. If you have broken up with someone, generally that person has done something hurtful to you (besides the break-up). If you’re parting ways without someone having previously hurt the other party, maybe you can be friends in time. However, you have to ask yourself if a true friend would do to you what your ex-lover has done.
kannan viswagandhi

Aug 17 08, 6:36 pm PDT

72
Hi Tina,

It is very hard to break up and get out of it.It is very painful to get over.
#6,#7,#8,#9 are great points.
This article will be helpful for many people,it is detailed and dealing with little details.
Thanks for sharing.

Best Wishes,
Kannan Viswagandhi
http://www.growing-self.blogspot.com
Morocho

Aug 18 08, 11:10 am PDT

73
Hi Tina,

Great article, I believe it could be one of the hardest one to write, specially if you are going through, A year ago I experience a break up, a bad one, (I have had quite a few of them, but none like this one), we were together just for about 9 months, and spent about 4 days of the week together, somehow I got very attached, and we have fought before and in a few ocassions I have said this is the end, let’s break up, even though deep inside I did not want it. Well it never happened because he did not feel it was the right time for him, even though it was hurting me so much. Things got out of hand and there I was one day, fighting and told him, this is it, over, do not call me or nothing. In fact I ignored his calls, I even ignore him when I saw him face to face at a local bar, I had a hard time, the pain that our break up had caused me drove me to seek for professional help, I visited a therapist for at least 6 weeks, I tried to stay busy, I got a sencond job and tried to hang out with friends (hard because they were mutual friends), but after a while the pain start fading, and I was left with the disconfort of knowing that I could’ve end the relationship way before I did, and I would’ve save myself so much pain. My message here is do not wait to fix something, talk about it as soon as you feel is not working, and if it does work, is better apart that having a bad relationship.

I wish you TIna the best is this hard time and I hope everything goes well.

Thanks
Lori Sams
Aug 18 08, 2:08 pm PDT

74
I think that a lot of people try to hang onto a relationships because it’s comfortable. You may not even like the other person anymore, but it’s comfortable. I think that if you come to the realization that it’s just not working out, it will make you happier.

Divorce and any other type of separation is really hard, but many times, it’s necessary. So, I think that everyone should try to separate amicably. My friend when she split with her husband agreed to the terms, kept the lawyers out and filed for the divorce on their own. They went through jointdivorce.com, got the paperwork together, signed it and finalized the divorce. They’re still friends because of it.
Jennifer
Aug 19 08, 9:40 am PDT

75
Thank you so much for writing this article! I’m in the process of letting go after a long and drawn out breakup from my ex-boyfriend/fiancee. I’m not so sure I agree with the being friends part although before now I really thought it was possible. I guess it all depends on a person’s situation and the people involved. Before now, I would’ve said that it was possible for my ex and I to be friends but now I’m not so sure. Thanks again for being right on time with this article. Your blog is one of the best I have come across. Keep up the good work!
Ska
Aug 20 08, 6:09 pm PDT

76
I stumbled upon this article as I was discussing with a friend how I wanted to get rid of this feeling of wanting my ex back. He broke up with me on Saturday night and ever since I’ve been fighting for a chance to get back together. After a discussion with him last night I realized it’s not going to happen and as upset as I was, it helped me so much. Today, I spent time with my family, did some grocery shopping and decided I wanted to be the person I was before I met him because that relationship changed me.

Thank you for this article. I’m still in the healing process but it was a gentle break up and I intend on keeping a strong relationship with him.

Brilliant read!
Alan
Aug 21 08, 12:48 pm PDT

77
As a guy, I can say that breaking up is never easy. On my case, it has been kinda complex.

I come from an asian family background so from childhood I got to learn some of the customs. One girlfriend didn’t like my parents, I thought maybe with time she would warm up to them. Boy, the sign that things were over were when she was doing a shouting match with my mom.

Second one, didn’t work out but I didn’t have that same problem as the other one. Only thing that after the break up, I lost half (so called) friends. It was one of those things I have live with. With that I was labeled the bad guy, which didn’t care since deep down the road we both didn’t cheap other or hurt ourselves. It just didn’t feel it was going anywhere.
Darryl Heron

Aug 21 08, 7:04 pm PDT

78
Tina:

This is another great post and you can tell by all the comments that a lot of people can relate to it!

I think that the relationship that you have with the person after the breakup depends largely on the relationship that you had during the relationship and the personality of the two people. In the case where the relationship was bad it is often good to make a clean break and not have anything to do with that person. This is especially true where one of the people in the relationship is abusive or manipulative and likely to hurt you or to try to play games. Also, it might be hard to truly move on in some cases, where you’re constantly with that person.

I think that it is great if you can keep a friendship with the other person, but the “lets still be friends” can be very clique and often isn’t really meant by the person doing the breakup.

Just my two cents for now.

Darryl
Bill Stevens

Aug 21 08, 9:35 pm PDT

79
Great article and outstanding comments. I know it’s tough. I told my 22 and 28 year-old daughters when they were growing up:

1. To the questions of life, you are the answer.
2. To the problems of life, you are the solution.
3. Try to come to someone completely whole and try to find someone who is completely whole. If either of you are trying to get something from each other, you won’t.
4. If you are a piano player, you already create and play beautiful music all by yourself. If someone is a violin player they also create and play beautiful music all by themselves. But when the two of them come together, it’s glorious.

Now, I know that all sounds cliche-ish and they’ve been said before, but I believe in these truths, as hard as they can be. These also bring up questions like, “How are you completely whole and how do know?” And those are the tough questions people need to answer for themselves over time.

On any break up, I would recommend not being in a committed relationship for at least 12 months minimum. That’s when you start discovering how to be completely whole and discovering the answer to questions like, can you love yourself? Do you really know this one and only person called YOU.

There, Dad’s done preaching. :)
afrodream 'n' beaded sandals

Aug 22 08, 3:44 am PDT

80
i cried, i dont want this to happen
J.D. Meier

Aug 22 08, 5:32 pm PDT

81
Follow your heart — you’re human.
Cach
Aug 22 08, 7:14 pm PDT

82
yea,nice if it goes that way….my way is quicker and since I don’t have anything else to lose,really, then the magic bullet is quicker and less excersize!
Anna
Aug 26 08, 11:19 pm PDT

83
Hi,

I feel compelled to post a comment to this article. I don’t think you can apply a step by step process when it comes to human relationships. At the root of it all, no matter what we WANT to believe, we are not purely rational or binary beings. We are largely guided by our emotions - even the most logical and intelligent of us. But I will say this - it *IS* important to think about how you want to live your life and stick with a basic set of ideals BUT it is also very important to *NOT* over think things in life. You talk about Borrowed’ Desires. Relationships are always give and take. Being influenced by the other person is not necessarily a bad thing always. Sure - you shouldn’t be a door mat. In fact, it’s really rather naive to think that two people can be happy together for a life time by just being their dogmatic individual selves 100% of the time. There is one such thing as too much individuality and having a healthy relationship depends greatly on the fine balance between adhering to that (intellectual) individuality dogmatically and giving some of it up at the right time and just being happy in the other person’s happiness. (Of course it has to be both ways) When you meet the right person, you will probably understand this point I’m trying to make. People talk about relationships being hard work. I say that’s quite a contradictory statement. In fact the perfect relationship is one where it doesn’t even feel like any work (I should know). You don’t feel like you need to change the other person AND you don’t feel like you need to change yourself. Change will of course happen, that is about the only constant in life and you stop evolving when that stops - but it will happen without you consciously making it happen and you wont even mind that. It will just feel right and you both will grow together. The very fact that you have a checklist to make your relationship work should be worrying in itself - that takes away the natural flow of it. If you approach a marriage/spouse (or any relationship for that matter) with a step by step ‘TO-DO’ list or a check list and set goals etc - what’s the difference between that and a business or any company that gives you motivational speeches and annual reviews and ratings when at the end of the day, when you strip out all the fuss, all that’s happening is they’re trying to increase their profits?
aaron
Aug 28 08, 4:26 am PDT

84
reading your article, your writing is similar to eckhart tolle. thats a good thing. :)
kathy
Aug 30 08, 7:44 am PDT

85
i am just now being tossed to the side for another woman. i truly gave myself to this man heart and soul. i guess time will heal but for now i feel numb. i want to be with him and know i can,t please i need some words of encouragement
Coherent
Aug 30 08, 7:04 pm PDT

86
Hi Kathy, I know how you feel and I’d like to help you get through it. Email me at californanon at yahoo com and we’ll talk about it. I’ve recently been dealing with the same thing.
Hugo McJohn
Sep 05 08, 2:04 am PDT

87
Hi, I just got my divorce certificate today and I think it was the best thing that have happened to me. Breaking up a relationship is alway difficult but so long you are doing it for the right reasons then I don’t think any guilt will arise from it. In my own case, I caught my wife on my marimonial bed with one of my friends and even before then I have heard rumours of her adventures with men. Bye
rachel
Sep 06 08, 12:19 pm PDT

88
I hope this gets to you Tintin…

The Taste of Salt

She met him at a party. They had so little in common: he was short, soft, normal; she was slim, tall, brownish blonde; men were always around her; few women even gave him a second glance. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but because she was sensitive, she accepted.

They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was so nervous he just mouthed idiocies, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, ‘I’m so sorry about this. Please, let me go home.’ Then suddenly he asked the waiter: “Would you please bring me some salt?”

When it came, he took a small teaspoon and sprinkled it in his cappuccino. And drank it. She tried not to show that she was noticing, but finally the curiosity was too much and she asked him curiously: “Can I ask you something? Why did you put salt in your coffee? I mean, once at a party I did it on accident, thinking it was sugar and took a big gulp. I mean, it was horrible; I nearly choked (laughing).”

He looked down, turning a lighter shade of red,: “When I was a little boy, I live by the sea. I really liked playing near the sea. The salt air exhilarated me. I would gather from the salt deposits left near small tidal pools, my friend were in there, Mr and Mrs Crab and their little ones climbed on my palms and sometimes, before going home I whipped my clothes straight and clean and wiped my moth. I got my first taste of salt when I was four, I think; and now the salty coffee brings that back to me when I am thinking of home. I miss my home a lot. And my family living there. It’s so beautiful there; you just cross a bridge and your there on the beach.”

While telling her he fought back tears. She felt the images and thought this guy, so sincere talking about his homesickness, the loved one he missed, can’t be all bad; at least she never met a man who opened up so quickly, so effortlessly. He must love his home.

Then she told too of her home on what seemed to be the other side of the world. She talked about how she rode her bicycle when she was four, completely nude and shocked everyone, her mother her dad and the neighbours: you just do that in her part of the town. to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. This was a really nice exchange, a nice beginning of the story that became ‘their story’, together.

They dated regularly, at first.. She found that actually he was a man she could grow to like; he was patient, polite and sensitive, warm and caring. ‘So when is it going to collapse,’ she avoided saying to herself, while avoiding her cynicism. He was such a good person— ‘To think, I almost missed meeting him! Thanks to his salty coffee we went on!,’ she thought. And their life together became a very beautiful love story: girl meets boy. Boy falls in love. She falls in love and they find happiness together.

And, every time their cups of coffee sat down before them, she put half a teaspoon of sugar and he of salt. Sometimes she put it in because she knew he wanted it that way.

After 40 years, at the age of seventy, he died, leaving her an envelope in his top desk drawer. It read “Darling, please forgive me, forgive this me this lie: This is the only lie I have ever told you: it’s about the salty coffee. Do you remember the first time we sat down in a restaurant and we had coffee? To me it was our first date. It was so crowded that night. I took my eyes from your eyes and I was so nervous that I accidentally asked the waiter for salt instead of sugar. I really wanted sugar but I asked for salt and when he turned and left so quickly I cringed inside and so it was impossible to embarrass myself in front of you so I just went ahead. I never thought but had hoped something would have made that night special for you too. Something could get us to talking more. And it did. Thank God!

I tried to tell you the truth many times in our life together, but I was just too afraid, then too embarrassed that it continued for so long, also because I promised never to lie to you about anything. Forgive me. Now I am dying and as you learned at this date I haven’t much time left, but I am still so sorry: Darling, I really don’t like salt in coffee. And to think all my life I have had a little salt in my morning coffee with you.

But, Darling, ever since I have known you I have never regretted anything I have done for and with you for. Having you with me has been my greatest joy in my entire life. If I could live it a second time, I would still want to know you, still want to be with you for my entire life. Even if I would have to drink salty coffee again”.

She folded the letter and looked out the window to thae sea and she too could taste the salt from her tears.
And she thought, “What is the taste?”
It’s so sweet.

• Love is not to forget but to forgive
• not to just touch but to feel
• not to just hear but to listen
• and not to let go but hug

But, of course, sometimes it begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
Avis Bailee

Sep 09 08, 5:17 am PDT

89
In my opinion, Best of all is to speak to the person, face to face. Be polite, but firm, and do not leave the door open by saying things like “Maybe in the future we can be friends again’ or anything similar, which will be heard as ‘we can get back together again’.
Coherent
Sep 09 08, 8:50 am PDT

90
@Avis Bailee: I completely and utterly agree. When a relationship ends, closure is the most important thing. Often, wanting to be friends afterwards is sheer hubris on the part of the person breaking up with you - they have just rejected your love, yet they want your friendship? They must work very hard to earn that friendship back.
Don
Sep 14 08, 4:52 pm PDT

91
Several months ago, my girlfriend of ten years left me suddenly, without warning. She said that she didn’t feel ‘in love’ with me, although she would always love me. I didn’t understand how this could be, as we were best of friends and started dating in first year of University. She was the one person I could trust with anything. We both invested so much in our relationship.

A few weeks later, I found out that she had found someone else. She was dishonest because she was afraid to hurt me, but in the end, I don’t believe it is possible for anyone to hurt me as much as she did.

There is no easy way about it, but to accept the situation as it is, and to realize that she felt she had more to gain by turning her back on me for another man. When someone chooses to betray you, the’ve done this calculation. Whether they are right or not isn’t of importance, but either way they’ve devalued what you have to offer.

My only advice to anyone who is having trouble letting go, is that you don’t want someone who doesn’t love you. Love is an action, and when someone chooses to be rid of you, that love is gone. Better to be alone than with someone who isn’t willing to stand by you through thick and thin. You need to accept it’s over. As crazy as you may be about someone, you can’t force someone to love you.
Lori
Sep 17 08, 8:54 am PDT

92
I’ve just crawled my tortured and sorrowful soul to week 3. I’m still alive and still inching forward. What’s still so difficult for me to grasp - that we’ve been best friends and partners for 3 1/2 years, but I never even saw it coming. We’ve come through thick and thin committed to growth. Our summer had been delightful, the best ever with new adventures and travels full of loving care and kindness. He was busy at his studio wanting to finish recording a CD of love songs he’d written for me. The phone rang at 11pm, I was excited to hear from him. I sensed he was down and asked if he finished. His reply seared open my heart forever- he said, i’ve been singing these love songs and I can never marry you…. ..what?!? …and then he said, and I have an attraction for Peggy. …what?!? My head started reeling and choked out - you can never marry me…(we’d agreed we both liked them outdoors while at a friends wedding)… and you’re attracted to some old classmate from your 40th high school reunion you went to last month?? the same one you said had drank too much and was rubbing your leg??? and my life and the dreams we had splintered into a million pieces. He said I love you deeply, very much, but I’m not in love with you…….my fantasy of us had a different reality. I thought I my heart would give out it hurt so badly, I could hardly breath. The galaxy gathered around this broken soul, a rejected and betrayed 50yr old woman to give her will strength to survive… since he and I have the same career and work for the same company - but thank God not the same building. and wouldn’t you know it, I show up 2 1/2 hours late and find he’s just parked his car; all we could do is hold each other and sob for hours. It’s so weird… he leaves me friendly little drawings, I sent him some email jokes, he says his dad says he’s thinking of me and i ask if they caught any fish. We just bought season tickets to the theatre and he says he can’t imagine going with anybody but me, I said sure, I can handle 2 hours. I’ve cried a river of tears.. I’m not sure if they’re for him, us or for me all my lost hope and joy. Up until a day ago I prayed for us to reconcile ignoring or denying the truth, but the words would sear my brain- I can never marry you and it would make me cringe in pain. My worthiness and value were stomped on. I’ve been journaling and talking with my girlfriends and reading insightful pieces like what is written here. i learned alot about him and about me. I have climbed up (about 75%) to a point where I can honor our relationship to where it brought us and know I have to embrace what’s next by myself. I still am saddened some mornings to realize there was a quantum shift in the universe at 11pm on Aug 30th but there’s all sorts of new possibilities to discover too. I hope someday off in the distant future that I’ll be able to hear the words and feel the love in the songs that he wrote for me.
ged
Sep 20 08, 3:47 pm PDT

93
tina…ur words helped me clear my mind…after reading ur artcile…ive touched my heart and did wot uve suggested to be thankfull and visiualized that person smiling and being happy..i cant thnak u enough with this really good article…hope the next one is great too! many thanks..ged
dawn
Oct 06 08, 2:57 pm PDT

94
I have been both receiver and deliverer of a breakup. Both are painful in the extreme. When my husband left me for another woman ( one of my friends)… i was insane with grief and jealousy. After many months, the one moment that i remember that brought me peace was …I cant make him love me. I wish he would still love me, but I cant make him. Also talk with your friends and family. See a counselor. Keep up a routine, do the same things you did before, just without him. Because when you break up, not everything needs to end.
I moved on eventually, and oddly enough he wanted me back. How funny, because now i didnt want him. He wasnt so desirable after several months. He seemed weak.
Eventually i got married again to a wonderful man…and then after 10 years i left him….it has been 4 years since our divorce. The guilt has been almost unbearable. When someone leaves you, people will give you sympathy, they comfort you. But when you do the leaving, you arent afforded the sympathy or the comfort. You will sometimes be judged depending on the situation or the depending on well liked your spouse is. They are both difficult in their own ways…now i have doubt to go along with the guilt. i ask myself did i do the right thing??? I hurt my kids, my husband, since you make the decision you take the responsibility of it all. So for me, in my experience, doing the leaving was so much harder, then being left.
Monique

Oct 06 08, 7:04 pm PDT

95
I was in my first real relationship on the receiving end of a breakup. We had recurring problems on & off, I guess I just wasn’t willing to be the one to break it off, but when he first came to me about needing time apart, which was the preset to the actual breakup, I told him that I was also kind of feeling the same way. So when he finally let me know that it was the actual breakup through a letter, because of us having different, wants & needs from a relationship it helped to give my the clarity I needed. I was feeling hurt and rejected at first, but then I realized that what he was saying was true and I couldn’t deny that either, we were just incompatible in some ways, that caused problems throughout our time in the relationship & also I was ready for marriage & he wasn’t. So the more I thought about it, without being so emotional , the more it made sense to me. And all this happened only the past couple of months now, so I guess I’m happy to say that I’m handling it better than I thought I would or could have.
Alyson

Oct 19 08, 4:13 pm PDT

96
You can always try a card! It beats the avoidance approach and might give up a chance to say something you wouldn’t in person. It can also give you closure you both might need to move on.
sara
Oct 23 08, 6:04 am PDT

97
hello.
loved ur article tina and peoples replies.i am in a relationship that should have been over ages ago.i am scared to be alone.finally realizing i need to let go of the relationship and him.it is not healthy and i feel like i am dragging a dead weight.i have faith i will be ok and that i will get through it.i dont like emotional pain but have being crying tonite as i need to let go and move on.i dont want to tell anyone as i feel like a failure.but a friend of mine broke up with her man i it inspired me becasue it not working.good bless u all.
Sheniqua
Oct 25 08, 6:13 am PDT

98
I don’t even know where to begin…I have been in a relationship for two years with the most wonderful, sweetest man I could only dream about, and he is completely, utterly deeply in love with me. I love him more than I can describe and could picture him and I having a future together (marriage, children, etc.). But for some reason….I just don’t want to be involved right now. I am in my mid 20s, and any person I talk to whether they are married, single, divorced says to wait to get married…its pretty much been drilled in my head since I was a child that it is not something that needs to be rushed into, everyone has always said to wait until I was at least 30 to get married bc. now is the best time of my life. And now, I think that it is effecting this relationship. I fear that if I put my bf on hold, and tell him I need this time of my life to myself that I will lose him forever.
I have been so confused, and feel like I dont really know exactly what it is I want. So, about a week ago, I told him I needed some time to myself, to think, to figure things out. I thought this would be a way of getting my foot in the door of initiating a break if that was what I indeed decide I wanted. Obviously, he took it harder than I even thought he would. This is turn made me take it even harder, and to say some things to him that I now regret, because I am not sure I meant them (ex: that I want to be with him and I am not going to break up with him, I just need time and space). He has not really given me the time or the space, we still talk everyday, and now I am feeling resentful that he won’t give me what I have asked of him, and he is constantly seeking reassurance that I am not going to break up with him (of course now I feel stuck and constantly reassure him because I feel pressured.) But, I needed this time to think about if that was in fact what I wanted to do. There are some serious trust issues between us, and I have asked him to get some help during this time apart, which he has already started going to therapy. He is willing to do anything I ask of him, and now I am feeling guilty beyond belief that I am still thinking that I need to be alone, and feel like I have dug myself deeper than if I had just ended it all together instead of dragging it out. I am making this so much worse than I think it would have been, and I am so afraid that if I tell him now he is going to feel even more betrayed by me, and it will diminish the chance of us ever getting back together down the road. I am also afraid of breaking up with him because of how hard he took me just wanting some time apart (it seems like he is a little bit suicidal)….I can only imagine what he will be like if I tell him I want it to end completely for now. What do I do? How do I handle this?
I’ve had my heart broken more times than I like to admit, twice seriously, where I felt like he is feeling, not wanting to be alive. Both of those times I tried so hard to hold onto that person, and felt like I couldn’t live without talking to them for a day. Both of those experiences did teach me that you can’t get over someone until you cut all ties, at least until some of the hurt has gone away. I did eventaully become friends with these men, but it took a long time. My point being, I know what he is going through, and it breaks my heart just as much as it does his. I hate that I am causing someone I love so much so much pain. I don’t even know what to do……
Coherent
Oct 27 08, 9:19 am PDT

99
Sheniqua - You made a big mistake - some things are really difficult to undo once you’ve done them, and asking someone for more time is, ultimately, the same as breaking up with them.

What you need to do is decide - decide once and for all, and then carry through with your decision. Either yes or no, really, a clean and hard decision that you can live with.
Matthew Gladwin

Nov 05 08, 8:36 am PST

100
Tina,
thanks for a wonderful article - it captures the concept of a ‘Good Ending’ i.e. you were able to accept that the romance wasn’t working but the friendship was worth saving.

There is also an element of grieving that you haven’t explicitly mentioned. It is like a little death when a close relationship ends. You need to take the time to ‘mourn’ the ending.

Many Thanks again for the article.

Matthew
S
Dec 16 08, 11:41 pm PST

101
Oh for God sake! Often friendships turn into love, but love into frienship never!

Dont recommend that people should remain friends. It does not happen in the real world. By being friends, you are only finding an escape and hurting yourself further. The love for the person will never go. So better be away and move on.
Daniel Damian

Jan 04 09, 1:41 pm PST

102
I appreciate your effort in this little article but I dissagree with one point you are offfering; that is, contact with the x. its a quaint little fairy tale that communication is always possible with a person who youre breaking up with. A very common circumstance in the soap opera or the movie, but in real life- not really. And actually, the break up is painfull enough for most people- or at least unsettling- so doing it and seperating as much as possible and as soon as possible for as long as possible is what is advised by most professionals- see askthetherapist.com on the subject.

You have to recover YOURSELF and really- its a “break up” so whay the hell would you prolong the break part of it by .. not-breaking-up??

Just my thoughts on it- and I know its likely obvious, I’m still stinging a bit from my own break up- but that just adds emphasis on the validity of my opinion I think.

D.
Bethany
Jan 08 09, 8:42 pm PST

103
As I am reading this article, I sit in my soon to be ex-boyfriend’s apartment, as I am actually on vacation to see him, since we live in two different states. We have been together for a little over three years now, one of which has been long distance.

I came down here with the intention of weighing how we spent our time together and whether or not it would be worth it to stay in this relationship, now I realize that neither of us has the strength to continue. Tomorrow, he will have two days off and we plan to spend that time evaluating where we stand now and where we want to be after the “break-up”. I feel that staying friends will be hard to do, since I’m not too sure that I can stay friends while knowing he is possibly seeing someone else, although he says it would hurt him tremendously if he could never talk to me again.

In that case, who do I look out for? Myself, him, or the both of us? As I already know that he is talking to someone else that he met a few weeks ago, claiming they are just friends…

The break up is inevitable…would it be a wise decision to talk about what happens in the future with us, or should I just let fate takes it course? Can time make either one of realize that we are meant to be together despite all of the flaws in our relationship now? Assuming that neither one of us is willing to change (and shouldn’t). He trully has been the love of my life and I’m only 24 years old.
Monique

Jan 10 09, 7:49 am PST

104
Bethany, I wouldn’t worry about it too much, I know you feel that he’s the love of your life now, but looking back when I was your age, I felt the same way about someone I felt was the love of my life….and I feel really sad that I spent so much wasted energy on someone who truly wasn’t worth it afterall. Anyway, I would step back from the situation, try not to be too emotional if this guy really loves you he’ll realize that in time and that he made a big mistake letting you go; in other words, you let him figure that out but let him know that you will go on with your life as well in the meanwhile and that you won’t let him string you along in his life, just because he’s not absolutely sure right now. I dealt with rather a similar situation, with a much younger person than myself recently and I did tell him that I’m not taking a back seat in his life and I’m not letting him string me along, so we ended it mutually as you can read my story above. Hope this helps.
SarahMarieCarmel

Jan 15 09, 10:16 am PST

105
Dear Tina,

This is the first time I enter your site and I was drawn to this article right away.
I experienced a break-up quite recently and it was, and still is, very hard.

But I’m was glad and felt relieved when I read your article, especially the receiving part.
I now feel a little guided, thank you!

With Love,

Sarah
Dan

Jan 16 09, 10:53 am PST

106
HELP!

I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and love it, you are an inspiration for all! I have a situation I don’t know how to deal with, I’m engaged and deep down I know it’s the wrong person ( she is otherwise great, and has many qualities people would look for in a mate ) I’m just not into her and we have different areas about life. I feel like I was pressured into getting engaged. What do I do???
YG
Jan 17 09, 6:39 am PST

107
Dan - don’t be pressured. Some of us are.

My problem is a little more extreme. I’ve met someone else that I get along with effortlessly and great, but I’ve been with my existing companion and business partner for 10 years.

My difficulty is conceiving of a break-up when we work together and run a company. How do we do that without being literally divorced (we’re not married). We love each other but in different ways. I’ve always seen it possible to continue as friends with her even if I move on, but I’m not certain it would work for her at all. I am her first love and we definitely care for each other. But I know that we are not soulmates.

So how does one do this? This is the toughest part for me and I know for her. Hurting her is one thing, but coming to work everyday and knowing that we’re no longer a couple is a strange thought.

The last time I tried to break up with her was years ago, because she sensed our differences, but it didn’t end there and life went on. How sad and strange. We’ve had a great life and career together, but I feel my destiny calling me somewhere else.

A normal break up without having the burden of a major business would be fine. You wouldn’t need to see each other anymore. But not in this case!

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
MICHELLE
Jan 17 09, 7:27 pm PST

108
I am going through this right now i want to break off my relationship of 3yrs b/c it is not fufilling my needs I am not being honest with myself…i want more than he can offer and i keep telling myself we can doit together.
dawn
Jan 17 09, 8:32 pm PST

109
Be honest, and make sure you know what you want before you talk to her. That way you are clear with yourself and her. Both of your feelings count in a relationship. If its not what you want at this point and you are not ready right now, say so. It doesnt have to be said in a cruel way, but if you are feeling pushed now, you might end up feeling resentful later.

But also be aware that when you leave and later she moves on,and they almost all move on, it can hurt.
Puleen Patel

Jan 19 09, 1:09 pm PST

110
This is an empowering post. Recently I went through something similar and having ready this assured me that, I am after all, just human like others. And that it is ok to feel the way I felt.

Thank you very much for this post. I found it late, but I am glad to have come across it!

Cheers!
@YG
Jan 26 09, 10:07 am PST

111
@YG

I think you’re my boss! Well, maybe not. But his situation is so eerily similar to yours that it’s uncanny. In fact, it’s entirely possible that it IS you. How funny if that were the case.

There’s no good solution for your situation. It’s why people always say that you shouldn’t mix business with relationships.

If you’re a right bastard, you can use her remaining trust in you to totally scam her out of everything that she’s helped to build up. To prevent this, and keep yourself honest, I suggest you should let your changing feelings known to her. Then she can guard her back more effectively.

You might consider negotiating a buyout offer with her, an honest amount based on the value of the company that is attributable to her efforts over the years. You will want to get lawyers involved on both sides well before this stage - If she still loves you, she will likely want to simply lay down and die instead of continuing with the company. A clean break with a nice golden parachute is the best way to deal with it. Less guilt for you (because you will be literally paying for your fickle heart) and she will be free to heal on her own.

On a personal note, it’s hard to imagine why people like you exist. How can love just go away? I can only imagine that it wasn’t ever love at all, or perhaps that you’re incapable of feeling love as I do. Whichever it was, you did a stupid stupid thing by running a business with her when your love is so fickle.
YG
Jan 26 09, 6:11 pm PST

112
Thanks for your advice. Why do we exist? Because we do. I believe that it is entirely possible to love people in different capacities. I don’t think love is that black and white. It’s definitions like marriage and businesses which are black and white. In reality, even if you don’t see a friend for a long time - it doesn’t change your feelings towards them.

The reality is we all live with expectations of ourselves and in this case, of other people. How we manage those expectations for ourselves is the key to handling disappointment. Easier said than done sometimes, but anyway…thanks again. The advice you’ve given is similar to other advice I’ve had…
dawn
Jan 27 09, 7:34 am PST

113
YG…i also agree that it is entirely possible to love people in different capacities. As history has proven over and over, relationships, love everything is complicated. It is the rare person that finds the “perfect match”. And what is perfect for one is usually not perfect for the other. I also disagree with a previous comment on judging you as fickle. Life is hard enough and harsh comments are hardly helpful. Obviously this is something that has already been played out in your head, heart and conscience already. People need to save their cheers and boos for sports.
@dawn
Jan 27 09, 10:13 am PST

114
I am judgemental, it’s true. But if one thing has been established in this comment thread, it’s that in every breakup, there is one who is doing the breaking up, and one that is being broken up with. One active and one reactive partner. I think it’s fair to say that the active partner takes moral and emotional responsibility for the breakup… for better or for worse. A choice has been made and they made it, so they take the heat, moral, emotional, spiritual, it’s on them. That’s the whole idea behind marriage, a formalization of this concept.
Amanda
Feb 09 09, 12:02 pm PST

115
I agree at some points with the anonymous, although calling someone “fickle” is a damn cruel thing. Like it was once said, “the only thing constant in life is inconstancy” (or something like it). And it’s the pure truth.
I can relate to YG in a way. I mean, I’m not married (not even CLOSE to be a bride) nor run a business with my bf. But what’s to do when you must seek your own path and, at the same time, you share so much with a certain someone (same friend circle/school/class/place to hang out on weekends/etc)?
Or even, what’s to do when YOU have problems that have started way before you meet someone (you know, fighting depression, trouble with seeking your spirituality and maturity), case when the sentence “it’s not you it’s me” can be taken literally… do you finish the relationship to find the answers or try to grow up with that someone by your side?
Life is hard indeed.
yg
Feb 11 09, 9:22 am PST

116
Hi Amanda

Thanks for your comments and for empathising. You make some good points. Life is finite and that’s the thing too. We cannot expect to have total understanding because people are subjective, vulnerable, self-centred, etc. We’re not objective. It would be great if we could be, but we want and we need. Even in incompatibilities, people hold on to what they’ve got and try to overlook the pain and absurdity of the situation. That’s partly human nature.

Ultimately, I think life is a search for meaning and balance. It’s hard sometimes, but we’re also fortunate to be alive!
Bob Rohrman

May 01 09, 4:36 am PDT

117
I like what you’ve said here…. i miss my little woman too… could you please help me find what to do
ludrash
May 06 09, 4:46 pm PDT

118
this is a great article. your depiction of ending a relationship as moving out of one episode in life is wonderful… and you describe a very gentle and loving way to do so. you are a lovely soul!
nikhil

May 07 09, 3:51 am PDT

119
very well put :) stumbled upon your blog while doing some research on a book that i am writing on this subject. will definitely come back for more… great work, keep it up
Lisalisa
May 13 09, 9:41 pm PDT

120
How do you get to the point of being friends? My ex partner of 10 years left 6 months ago. There are still unresolved feelings and emotions. He wants to be friends even though he says he still has feelings for me and is dating someone else.

I don’t know how to just cut off those feelings.
@Lisalisa
May 14 09, 10:08 am PDT

121
Lisalisa, you don’t become friends, or at least not until you’re completely over the relationship. Which is to say, at first you hang on and love them, then you realize they really don’t love you any more, then you’re very sad, then you’re a little sad, then you hate them, then you despise them, then you’re contemptuous of them, then you don’t give a shit about them, then you truly feel nothing about them, then you don’t care at all about them, then they mean absolutely nothing to you… then you can be friends with them again. This process usually takes years at least. Coming off a 10 year relationship, if you truly loved him, expect for it to take 2-3 years at the minimum.

But not until you think about them and feel nothing at all, as in not even as much as you might feel meeting a stranger on the street, not until the hole in your heart is completely scarred over and stronger than before.

Of course a rebound relationship can really help this proces along. Starting a new relationship really helps the pain of the old one. This is why rebound relationships exist, it’s the only way to speed up the process.

Good luck
Lisalisa
May 14 09, 12:41 pm PDT

122
I guess that’s why he jumped right in to another relationship. Distraction, easier to move on.

Though he says he’s not happy and does miss me. But I know he’s not coming back.
Lisalisa
May 14 09, 12:49 pm PDT

123
I don’t want this man out of my life, but I just can’t be friends yet and pretend I don’t still have feelings for him.
Tina Su

May 14 09, 1:09 pm PDT

124
Lisalisa,

This article is what you’re looking for:
How to Get Over Breakups

It will answer the questions you asked above.

Let us know if you need anything else.

Tina
Lisalisa
May 14 09, 1:28 pm PDT

125
My ex called me to catch up for coffee 2 weeks after I moved out….hello? After 10 years??
@Lisalisa
May 14 09, 3:34 pm PDT

126
Probably the absolute best thing to do is cut off contact completely. Make it something that _you’re_ doing, even if you’re not the one who initiated the breakup. Of course before then you will basically go through something like the five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. But even once you’re in acceptance and you realize that what’s done is done and it’s never going to be like what it was before, you still have a lot of healing left to do.

So basically don’t talk to him at all. This allows both of you to move on. Forget being friends, that’s just another way to screw yourself.
Lisalisa
May 14 09, 3:38 pm PDT

127
Yeah I am still going through those stages of grief. Just a small shred of hope hasn’t quite gone yet.

But in the end this is the decision he made. I can no longer do things to please him. He wasn’t sure of things, but he made his choice and is obviously sticking to it.
@Lisalisa
May 14 09, 4:46 pm PDT

128
Want to talk about it? Email me at chasluva@guerrillamailblock.com with your email address and I’ll get in touch. That’s a temporary email address, it will only last 1 hr from this message.

I went through a breakup about eight months ago and I still feel a lot about it, so I definitely know what’s going on inside you.
Lisalisa
May 14 09, 5:28 pm PDT

129
I have emailed you.
@Lisalisa
May 15 09, 9:43 am PDT

130
Ack, I didn’t get the email in time :( here, I’ll give you my actual email address: californanon@yahoo.com. Please try again? I’m so sorry I missed your email.
Victoria Malone

May 15 09, 12:32 pm PDT

131
It takes faith and courage to do things sometimes, and like you said crying is the way to heal the soul and the heart.

It always helps to know that the one who broke your heart really did care for you and it wasnt just “nothing”…that is what hurts the most, that is what stays on your mind. I do believe in calling and checking up sometimes helps, but I think after a week or two leave the person alone. Let them heal, because the sound of their voice, or the slightest hint of “I still love you I just dont think the relationship is right for me tone” comes through…is so Killer to the healing process for the other person :0)

Every scenario I just read, I have been through in the past 3 months, we are now again in a relationship (we have two kids), but I am starting to get annoyed by him and I now understand and believe that my love for him is strong, but the “want to be with him” is gone!!!

Sure I want a family, but i also want a healthy relationship and I fear that part of me is gone. How do you help me with that. We have been though Jerry Springer, maury Povich, and what next!!! Now he wants to be a family man and marry me. I dont want to get married to him, and he was all I ever wanted when the relationship started, he proved to me that he’s all I should never of had.

I am an excellent mother, and would make the right man a impecable wife, but i feel like he doesnt deserve me. I am bitter at what hes done to me. Do i let him prove to me that he is a good man who has ended his foolish ways and hope that the love rekindles?

Help me!! Just advice would help a long way, my parents are way tired of hearing it!!!

Annoyed, Hurt, and Confused
Las Vegas
@Victoria Malone
May 15 09, 6:12 pm PDT

132
So you feel that he doesn’t deserve you? Already you’re in trouble, because it sounds like you want a quid pro quo out of the relationship. He is supposed to give you something or be a certain way, and in return you’re granting him your presence. Love is a bonding, a merging, where neither side has to do anything special to earn it. Love isn’t something you can earn, only something you can feel. If love can be bought and sold for this or that, then it’s not love as I understand it. Love that you earn and pay for means that it’s always available to the highest bidder.

However, I suggest that if you don’t love him, then you should take decisive action to tell him that, and then amicably and firmly begin parting ways. He won’t believe it for a long time, but if you’re certain of your feelings, then you can convince him eventually.

But I wouldn’t claim injured status. If he loves you, and you don’t love him, then it’s easy to tell whose love failed.
J Feels
May 27 09, 5:43 pm PDT

133
You are a blessing to the human race.
NO MAN
Jul 05 09, 7:05 am PDT

134
GUYS …. thank you for everything you said and it got me me thinking about my girlfriend chatting and communicating with her ex … and i told her that i don’t agree with that … i mean is that normal … because the story is that she cheated on me with the same guy while i was out of the country and later we broke up because of him but now he’s back chatting and communicating with her . and all she tells me is that they are just friends .
@NO MAN
Jul 06 09, 12:15 pm PDT

135
This could go either way. If she’s open with you about what she talks about with him and how she feels and such, it might be innocent. It is possible for ex-lovers to turn into friends with nothing more between them, so you shouldn’t be instantly jealous or suspicious. Most likely, it’s innocent. When you’re in love with someone, then that love fails, then you get back together, then you come apart again, it isn’t likely to reform into anything serious. Friends-with-benefits at most, but no emotional content as intense as love.

Probably your jealousy is getting in the way of an innocent relationship between them. Even the sex was likely to have been without love, just random lust or comfort sex. Of course this would be intolerable for most men such as yourself, but not all sex is meaningful emotionally. So I would relax, ask her what she talks about with him, give her the freedom to be honest with you without you freaking out over it. After you establish that everything is cool no matter what she tells you, she’ll start telling you more and more, and then you’ll see how meaningful it is. Just be calm and she’ll tell you everything when you’re curious and you’ll probably find it’s totally innocent. And yes, it’s normal to have some ties with your ex even long after it ends.
Akom Asuquo
Jul 07 09, 2:43 am PDT

136
it is amazing, so brilliant, i cant wait to read it again and again. thanks very much for your lovely article.
Moonbug
Jul 17 09, 9:09 pm PDT

137
You know what. This is a really crappy article. It somehow enshrines selfishness and justifies walking all over other people’s emotions and feelings.
The underlying issue in any break, as is the reason of heartache afterwards, is that although both parties got in the relationship as consenting individuals, one of them somehow assumed the right to screw the other person over, owing to their selfishness.
No one put a gun to anyone’s head to enter a relationship. They entered it of their own free will. However, once into a relationship, you need to consider the other persons feelings.

The line, ‘we can’t change the other person, we can only change ourselves’ is pure blasphemy. If the other person is going to be shattered post breakup, do you not think they will be willing to change in order to avoid that? The truth is you are afraid that given a chance, the other person might change. So you want to rob them of that chance and end it pre-emptively. And how is a breakup a method of ‘changing yourself’ anyway? In fact, it is the exact opposite of changing yourself. You are essentially not changing and choosing to go after circumstances that require you to not change. Changing yourself would involve realigning your expectations so that you can be happier with someone who loves you so deeply and truly that the breakup will leave them devastated.

Please own up to your selfishness and start living for real. What you have suggested is extremely childish and immature. How bad a decision maker you have to be to not see that you will be unhappy before you enter into a relationship? And leaving the other person shattered because you made a stupid decision is not fair. No matter how much you soften the blow. You cannot absolve yourself of the responsibility of making someone who loved you miserable.

The entire article reeks of selfishness. It says somewhere, ‘we only live a certain time so make the most of it’ or something to that effect. How selfish! Why don’t you consider that the other person too lives only a certain amount of time. Is it ok to make their time on this planet horrible by dumping them for no fault of theirs. You are dumping the person because YOU made a wrong choice. How is that fair? The world would be a much happier place if people owned up for the wrongs they did and tried everything they could to make it right, including reassessing their expectations. Quick fixes like breaking up because the other person didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to, even though they do love you madly is nothing but escapism. I understand that thats the way some people want to lead their lives. But please don’t idealize or venerate that philosophy. Its the core of everything thats wrong with people today.

If the people of the past had lived by the philosophy of ‘we only have a certain time to live, make the most of it’, our lives would be much more awful today. It was because those people realized what was right and wrong in a very natural sense, that they could lay the ground work for a lot of good things which were achieved after they were gone. Mother Teresa could have thought ‘let me make the most of the time I have and enjoy myself. Let the lepers find their way through life.’ Gandhi could have thought ‘I am from a well to do family. Let me make the most of it and lead a happy and affluent life myself. After all I too have limited time here.’ But these people didn’t think so shallow. They did everything they could to maket the best of a crappy situation.

The point I am trying to make is that no relationship is too damaged to repair, provided there are two people who want to make it work. And as long as it can be repaired, I think both people owe it to each other to make it work. The person seeking the easy way out unfortunately ends up better off than the one willing to put in the hard work. As unfair as that is, articles like yours only serve as a medium for these escapists to justify themselves and feel good about making someone else feel bad.

Boo!
Michael Freeman

Aug 08 09, 12:15 pm PDT

138
Moonbug, you argue your point well, but your words are sometimes reflected in the mentality of someone in a codependent relationship. “They’ll be shattered if I leave, so I have to give them a chance.”

I completely disagree with your line, “…no relationship is too damaged to repair, provided there are two people who want to make it work.” What if both partners want to make it work even though the relationship involves abuse (physical or emotional). If you think that’s a far-fetched scenario, you’re wrong: Plenty of time women and men will want to make it work with an abusive partner, putting their lives at risk.

Yes, a certain degree of selfishness is required in making these decisions. The guilt of leaving an unhealthy relationship can be paralyzing — sometimes it takes the determination to be selfish to finally get out.

As for my contribution to the How to End a Relationship argument, see my blog.
Lizah
Aug 25 09, 6:25 am PDT

139
Hi Tina,
Thank you so much for your article. Am going through a break up from a 2 year relationship currently and have gone through alot of pain as i am the one initiating it.
Now i got the tips and the courage to face it with love knowing it is not failure but am moving forward.
One thing that caught my eye in your article is that we can only change ourselves and not the other person!

But one thing that is disturbing me is wether he will be able to take it kindly/ and positively as am leaving him for some one else?! It is not easy.
Thinkin
Sep 01 09, 11:05 am PDT

140
when do you stop it all?
@Thinkin
Sep 01 09, 3:15 pm PDT

141
But what do you want to stop? A bad relationship? Or loving at all? Take the Whitney Houston route ~/ What’s love, got to do, got do do with it? What’s love, …but a second hand emotion? /~ :-)
Shia Labeouf
Sep 17 09, 7:17 pm PDT

142
i have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. The beggining was great. Couldnt get enough of eachother but a few months ago i got sick of doing what she wants to do, for example. If i wanted to go visit friends she would argue with me and i wouldnt end up going because of the gulit and i couldnt enjoy my self, since the big argument and all.
Recently ive been feeling asif i should leave her and do what i want to do. im starting to really get bored of her company i dont know why, i cant seem to look at her in the eyes any more. because i just dont feel asif i was the same as i was a few months ago. what do i do. seek the feelings through and hope they will stop. Or take it into my own hands and leave her. its going to be harder than i make it out to be but im kinda scared to aswell. i dont know if i leave i will regret it. i dont know if i stay with her i will have this feeling that i should have left. its a very complicated situation im in.

please any point of views and comments will be taken into account.

thanks shia.
moonbug
Sep 17 09, 11:04 pm PDT

143
Shia,

You seem to be on the same path as me. And dude…think it through properly. Towards the end in my relationship, I was getting the same pointless feeling and was getting bored. Eventually, I started acting indifferent like I didn’t care one way or the other. This started getting on her nerves and she dumped me a few weeks later. At that point, I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing and felt quite ok. But then, soon, it started getting to me. I realized how much I loved her. I started missing her. She was already neck deep in love with someone else by this time and wouldn’t give me another chance. And with good reason. I was shattered and cried for weeks.

And now, months after it has been over, I realize what all that boredome was. It was routine. Thats all there was to it. We get used to the same old same old. You should break the monotony to keep the relationship interesting. I didn’t do that and mistook the boredom for emptiness in the relationship.

Make sure you try everything you can from your end to make the relationship interesting. If nothing works, only then consider breaking up. Because, once you are done breaking up, there is usually no going back. And you might just wake up one day to realize you were the stupidest person on the planet to let her go.

Don’t go my way, if you can help it. People who love you are precious. Do all you can to keep them. Thats my advice.

Moonbug
@Shia
Sep 18 09, 10:05 am PDT

144
Moonbug makes some great points. The question is, is it that you don’t love her any more, or that you’re bored? There are levels on levels here - is her companionship important to you? Do you interact with her casually on a level that you’d miss? Or is it simply that you think you can do better? How much better? Is ‘doing better’ important to you?

I think maybe you should have a long talk with her about this specific thing. Not necessarily to break up, but to find out how much she has invested in the relationship. If she doesn’t care then maybe it would be pretty mutual on both sides if you broke up.

You should examine your motivations. Exactly what are you looking for? Someone smarter? Someone witty? Someone entertaining? Hotter? Sexier? More seductive? Older? Younger?

Turn your feelings around and re-examine them from the perspective of her feeling the same about you. What if she’s thinking the same thing? Would you fight to protect a relationship that you want out of? Are you just interested in the thrill of the chase?

I think it’s likely that you’re too young for love perhaps, you’re not old enough to feel vulnerable yet, so you don’t value the deeper bonds of love that form once the initial eroticism burns out. Quite frankly, you’re immature and not ready for a serious relationship.

But then, sometimes that’s appropriate. Maybe you twisted yourself into something you’re not comfortable with in order to accomodate her, and the relationship is based on a well-meaning lie that you have stuff in common, you like the same things, you enjoy doing activities together. It’s a common mistake for someone to pursue someone else so ardently that they pretend to be someone they’re not in order to win her.

Try to be more yourself and see what happens. Take back some of the relationship, make changes so you’re more comfortable in it. Talk to her about your feelings and tell her why you’re making these changes. Let her know that you need more you-space in order to sustain the relationship. Compromise with her, a little of this a little of that. Break a few rules first before you break it off completely.

Just know that if you end it you can’t go back. You’ll have to start all over with someone else once you end things with her… You’ll never get it back with her again. So try changing a few things first before you walk away.
Ezra
Oct 08 09, 9:56 am PDT

145
This is truly the case of Emotional Intelligence and so many people do not have it! Your article was brilliant!
Jasmine
Oct 16 09, 3:12 pm PDT

146
i’m crying just reading this. it’s what i’ve been searching for. some clarity, wisdom and compassion for a subject that no one wants to talk about.

thank you.
nicegurl
Oct 28 09, 10:41 pm PDT

147
I LOVE a guy and he loves me too however due to religious differences and strict familes we can never take it further. Its a secret relationship and I think the best thing to do is to end it. I just cant seem to and neither can he. Such a difficult situation!
@nicegurl
Oct 29 09, 11:10 am PDT

148
If neither of you can end it, I think you should practice tolerance then. Learn to be okay with his religion, and gently insist that he be okay with yours too. Point the sharp edges of your religions away from each other so that you can meet and love each other in the middle.

Perhaps it is God’s plan that you come to an understanding together!
Don
Nov 01 09, 10:51 am PST

149
I wrote and deleted this comment 4 times. I finally decided on the following: This article is no good. Once the relationship ends no matter how you end it, it will do 2 things: sever communication between the two and hurt both.

I think this article should not focus on the end, but on the core of a relationship. Talk about being detached during the relationship, building a constructive environment, filled with love and respect. That way you never get to the end of a relationship if both parties are sane and not lazy.

But then again, I’m sure there are many women out there who would love to hear some more bull-crud about loving yourself, appreciating yourself, and all of that crap. Because that keeps your minds away from remembering what a useless people user you were during that relationship you now want to end.

This article makes me both sick and annoyed at the same time. Because women seem to be smart only when they want to. The bad part is that when they want to be smart, it’s usually too late. The relationship ended or the man is so sick of fighting over that trivial crap he’ll just nod and say “uhum, you’re right honey” while thinking “i knew i should have listened to my dad”.
@Don
Nov 01 09, 12:58 pm PST

150
Haha! I believe you are correct good sir, about the validity of the original article’s premise. That was just a woman rationalizing the destruction of a relationship at her hands.

However I’m not sure it’s women alone who can be this way. Guys can be, and often are, outright bastards as well. Perhaps they feel less need to rationalize it.

The most correct thing to say is that the one who ends the relationship is the guilty party to its demise, and no amount of being friends is going to end the harm that they have caused to another. Being friends never works anyway. God I would love an update about how the OP’s starry-eyed predictions about how her just-friends breakup would proceed… I’ll bet she hasn’t talked to her ex in more than four months haha.
Rams
Nov 11 09, 10:43 pm PST

151
Thank you very much Tina, I recently found my relationship is a disaster and thinking for a while how to end it smoothly.

Your article really will help our lives to be better, i learnt many things from the relationship.. i have literally grown. I am very thankful to you.
canali
Dec 29 09, 10:08 pm PST

152
bottom line: all relationships have an expiry date: whether it be 1, 4, 5, 8,10, 15 or 20 years ( you get the pic) they all end eventually….’forever’ is for the vast majority of us a big romantic myth….very few will ‘make it’ there (and if so, doesn’t mean it’s a great ride)….those are the realities….accept such that each relationship for however long it last is to bring both joy and sorrow to your heart, and lessons learned, well the latter is the main thing.
Stephen
Jan 01 10, 12:10 am PST

153
There are two reasons that people break up - the reason they tell you and the real reason. The fact is that it’s not working for one or both persons, and that’s all anyone really needs to know. When someone breaks up with me and rationalizes the breakup with red herrings, I strongly question her integrity.

My girlfriend finally confirmed my suspicions that she hasn’t been happy with the relationship for six months, but she’s left me in charge of doing the honors and breaking up so that she can tell everyone it was my choice. In a way , she’s giving me a gift. I can take some time to prepare for it rather than being totally blindsided, and it will be good for my self-respect later down the road to let go voluntarily rather than hang on until the bitter end.

This is my chance to repattern what a breakup should look like. I’m going to keep it quite simple, with no manufactured “reasons”. I’m not going to pull the “can we still be friends?” bollocks. For most people, relationships need to be quit cold-turkey, at least until both parties have moved on with someone else.
balance666...
Jan 04 10, 3:09 pm PST

154
wow… i didn’t think anyone would actually write something like this… seriously… what is in people’s mind these days? does commitment not mean anything? does promise ring any bells? is there actually something missing? look… people breakup when the time is right… or when both accepts it… if its a small thing… (sure it can turn big) but atleast give WARNINGS!!!… females are terrible… and guys are not such good people either…

LOVE is a connection… take it seriously… make it a 5/10… balance it… stay calm, and think and talk to your partner… tell your partner everything or else you are the bad person ruining their lives! i get how your values is missing from your partner but u can change their mind… modify them if they really do love you, even change is good. change to be together… then things don’t even have to end.

not everything comes to an end… thing change… and people adapt… and then things stay the same… i don’t really want to talk much because i don’t have time… if anyone of you dissagrees. then email me… i love talking and share my recent break up after a girl left me…

be fair… be a little logical… a little emtional is fine… and keep yourself adapting to things…

kangdegu@hotmail.com

love
duygu
Jan 29 10, 2:43 pm PST

155
‘Hello everybody! i typed “how to end a relationship” on google and click on this link.. it feels really funny for me to search for this kind of articles but anyways here i am.. i ve been dating with my bf for almost 8 months.. Everything was going pretty much well. Though he feels kinda inferior than me, financially, academically whatever, and I never made this a problem. i was happy with him, he had sooo many good human qualities that i wouldnt change this with more money whatever.. Last New Years eve, i was to spend it with my girlfriends and my best friend’s nephew was there, and we feel in love with each other.. we have been texting and seeing each other.. we are so deeply in love with each other.. and He even had a gilfriend… we were both aware of that fact, but couldnt help.. it was sth so powerful that we didnt want to miss in any how.. so now, he left his current gilfriend for me-though they normally had problems as well- and this is my turn to end my relationship… God !!!! i feel soooo bad, so quilty, i mean i would neveeeeeer eveeer tolerate any people who cheats !!! but now, i can see how though it can be !!!! i do want to be with my second lover but how Im gonna do this to my current loving and cutiiie boyfriend how how.. OH.. i would want to hear your opinions i would be so glad, or even you can send me an email. resimpicture@windowslive.com Thank you all ;(
Michael
Feb 02 10, 7:47 pm PST

156
The article raises some critical points. For example, one cannot make changes in a partner: especially a new one after only a few months. Second, yes we can learn from our breakups and remember the good times. But, it is especially important to recall why we chose the other person in the first place. Too frequently, we (as in my case) push aside strong intuitions of doubt and objection and proceed to attempt a relationship. If our attempts don’t succeed, as the article suggests, we frequently blame ourselves. Sure, there may be some learning points resulting but when examples such as cancelled dates, and all too frequent mention of other opposite sex friends (with overt desires), then the red lights and sirens should be heeded.

Each relationship is as different as we are. Desiring companionship, love, and romance is a natural human trait. But when the chosen partner doesn’t live up to expectations, we should do two things. Ask why we chose that person and assume responsibility for that decision. No one is perfect but some basic qualities seem to be a must: a wllingness to have open discussions throughout a relationship, a shared set of morals and values and at least some interests, and when entering a new relationship, it’s objectively best to have no loose strands or entanglements pertaining to a past relationship. After five months I chose to conclude a relationship because the one I chose continuously seemed to be mentioning new persons with a crush on her and showing pictures of old flames. Additionally, I realized that the use of words like “idiot”, “stupid”, and “…. you” directed towards me could not be changed with polite requests and transient apologies. I have no desire to be this person’s friend. Nor do I have feelings of malice towards her. What I have learned is to go more slowly in the future, trust my initial intuition and proceed accordingly. And yes, the other person in my case is a tease! It’s good to wake up as quickly as possible!
@Michael
Feb 04 10, 10:41 am PST

157
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there Michael, only 5 months shouldn’t be hard to get over. The verbal abuse you describe is a strong indicator that this is a relationship you shouldn’t invest yourself emotionally into.

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