How to Find True Love

Photo: stock photo

While “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic I’ve written on, it’s not surprising that a close second is the topic of How to Find True Love. Here’s an email from one reader:

“I’ve realized that one of my main goals is to find a worthwhile and long term relationship. I noticed you have entries on how to keep a relationship and on how to end a relationship so would you consider writing an entry on what you perceive to be the best way to find a worthwhile relationship. How to avoid making the same mistakes, overcoming fears, keeping up motivation after failure etc.”
- Gary (Dublin, Ireland)

Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved, and to be happy.

Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and wealth and fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.

If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of finding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are, you didn’t grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we certainly didn’t study relationships in our high school curriculums. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error and learning through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?

In light of Valentine’s Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time: finding love.

Personal Story

I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.

I’ve always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, I’ve often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.

Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.

My freedom day came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain. (Read my detailed journal entry from that day here.)

I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with relationship expert Alison Armstrong. I have come a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.

Problematic Relationship Patterns

Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.

1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities

As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

2. Communication of Needs

Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.

3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default

Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.

The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.

Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.

We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.

Photo: Emily Helen, The Best Kauai Wedding Photographer

The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.

The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to be extraordinarily happy.

What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.

For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.

In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.

Identifying Must-Haves

Here’s a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify the must-have qualities in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go through this, even if you are presently in a relationship.

Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.

Ready? Here we go:

Step 1. The Perfect Image

On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.

Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.

For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.

Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)

Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.

Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:

“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”

If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.

Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.

Step 3. Screening MRs

Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:

“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”

If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.

The Selection Process

I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.

First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.

Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.

Photo by Mike BG

On my first dates with any guy, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.

Personally, I was looking for a husband and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married before I turned 30 and to start making babies within two years of getting married. Oh, and I would also like to have two children. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.

Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.

As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.

Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.

Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.

Love Yourself First

As I mentioned in the article How to Overcome Breakups, the art of loving yourself is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also in finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves.

Another way of looking at this is to imagine each person in a relationship as a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the other is dependent, it’s like one stick is standing perfectly vertical and the second stick is leaning against the vertical stick. If the vertical stick moves horizontally, the leaning stick will fall. When two people are both independent and joined together through love, it’s like two sticks standing vertically. When they join together, they become a larger and stronger stick and they become interdependent and stronger. If one stick moves horizontally, the other stick will move with it.

Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the mirror.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.

When you truly love yourself, you will exude and spread a magnetic energy to those around you. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.

Forgiving Our Ex’s

When we hold onto unresolved issues from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage in our future relationships. I’ve found forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that contributes to the wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.

A few years ago I sat down with, or phoned, several of my ex-boyfriends, and apologized for hurt feelings I may have caused, and expressed and forgave them for my own hurt feelings from the relationship. This experience brought closure to those relationships, removed the baggage, and allowed new friendships to develop.

A Few Words On Sex

For those of us who are sexually active, I would like to point out one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is a chemical change that takes place in your body. In particular, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad fit for us, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it’s for a short amount of time. Far too often, these relationships can turn into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.

It is recommended by relationship experts to not have sex during your dating and selection process unless you are okay with being emotionally bound to that person or having that person be emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with someone unless they fit all the qualities on your MR list.

For more information on this topic, read chapter four of “The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

Parting Words

People often ask, “Where should I go to find this person?” The logical answer provided by most is to go to places where such a person would hang out, but this practice can often lead to disappointment. My suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain clarity on what you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend time practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead spend your efforts on self development.

As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.

* Got a love story you want to share? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please join TSN on facebook (add Tina here) or follow us on Twitter. And we’d love it if you can share this article on twitter, facebook or thumb it on StumbleUpon. Thank you for your support. :)

External Resources on How to Find True Love:

Audio CD: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: – Understand the Conflicts. End the Confusion. Make the Right Choices.
Book: The Power of Now
Book: The Female Brain
Audio CD: Celebrating Love

188 Responses (175 Comments, 13 Trackbacks ):

Comments

John

Feb 11 09, 5:20 pm PDT

1
Tina,
Wow, way to go!
This may be your most insightful & helpful article yet (& that’s saying a lot!)
I think the balance between accepting there’s no “perfect” mate but also having a “MR” list to avoid getting stuck in a bad relationship is especially helpful.
I’m passing this along to alot of my friends. thanks.
Qupid

Feb 11 09, 5:59 pm PDT

2
Great article! I’ve also absorbed dramatic amounts of valuable knowledge from relationship studies–mostly from John Gray and “Doc Love” (author of “The System”). If I’d had the knowledge from just one good relationship book back in high school, I think the course of my life would have been radically different. I can also vouch for the differences in thinking between the sexes playing a tremendous role in relationship difficulty. The best thing anyone can do for themselves and their love life is to go after that relationship education, even if you get it from a public library. It’s just not information that we’re taught growing up.
Ari Koinuma

Feb 11 09, 6:17 pm PDT

3
Wow, I didn’t know about those hormones during sex. So abstaining does have a merit on that level, in addition to other benefits….

ari
Nathalie Lussier

Feb 11 09, 6:25 pm PDT

4
I learned so much through this article. Although I’m currently in a great relationship, it is always interesting to find out how others meet their ideal person.

It’s funny you mention your MR list, since that’s pretty much how I met my boyfriend. I wrote a detailed list, put it in an envelope, and literally forgot about it. Then a few months later I kept getting asked out by new people, and I had to choose between one. The one that stood out had almost all the qualities on my list! Stunning, but true story. :) I highly recommend this technique too.

Oh, and I think I experienced similar “drop everything for the other person” episodes. I guess we’re all on our own journeys, right?
Vincent

Feb 11 09, 6:49 pm PDT

5
Hi Tina,

“The truth is this perfect person does not exist”

There is the truth and we should start thinking about waiting for the prince or princess in our fairy tale dreams. I like the MR experiment you mentioned and it can really help us have a clear view of what we really want to see in our partner.

Great article Tina, and I got it stumbled, dugg, twittered and mixxed.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
marco

Feb 11 09, 7:12 pm PDT

6
Hi Tina,

Thanks for the great article. It helps a lot to me since I’m still single and looking for a partner. Wish me luck ( :
Rob

Feb 11 09, 7:13 pm PDT

7
Hi Tina,
Excellent post.

I unwittingly did the exercise you describe in your post in 2003 during a seminar. I was asked to describe my ideal life partner, whic I did in every detail as you suggest. Nothing left out.

About 18 months later, whilst travelling 6,000 miles from home in another continent and not looking for love (at least not consciously) I met a woman, we got on great and a further 4 years on from that we are married.

She is the exact match to every detail I described. There is not a single detail missing or different. It is quite incredible even down to what she looks like and the picture I had in my mind.

So I know this works from experience. Of course, what helped me was the fact that I was unattached to the nature of the outcome, seeing as she came along when it was the last thing on my mind.

Thanks Tina.
Avdi

Feb 11 09, 7:19 pm PDT

8
I think you’re bang-on about “the one hundred thousand”. Too many people miss that obsess about finding a mythical perfect partner.
Andrea|Empowered Soul

Feb 11 09, 7:55 pm PDT

9
The amazing thing about relationships is that we can learn so much about ourselves through who we attract into our lives. Every single relationship, good, bad, long, short, all serve as a mirror for us, so that we can learn about ourselves!

I’m at the beginning of a new relationship right now – woo hoo! I’ll own that I very consciously manifested this person into my life. It’s great! :-)

Blessings,
Andrea
Fuzzy
Feb 11 09, 9:21 pm PDT

10
I think sometimes people over think things. This is one of those things. I don’t know how to explain it.
Maybe the saying “you don’t look for true love – true love will find you”.
I fell in love with someone who I thought was a snob/jerk. He smiled one day I fell head over heels. It hasn’t been a cake walk, but it is fantastic.
I also found that things I thought were important before I got into this relationship didn’t matter as much. So if I were to make a list of “must haves” before I met my husband I might have never found my true love!

Sometimes you just have to go for it and let your instinct guide you.
Eemo
Feb 12 09, 1:10 am PDT

11
Thanks for this Tina,

Oddly enough, i just decided last night to myself i was going to do this, and here you are in the universe typing it up! :)
Aw Guo

Feb 12 09, 1:38 am PDT

12
Whooooh, Tina you are so professional.

For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

Totally agree.

But .. just a simple suggestion, why not support Gravatar in your comments :)
Sunny Jamiel

Feb 12 09, 3:40 am PDT

13
I liked your in-depth and inside-out approach. Basically finding love starts with finding your Self first as you pointed out. That realizations leads you on the path towards finding anything, not only love.

Keep up the good work.
Frances

Feb 12 09, 5:59 am PDT

14
Tina,
You’ve done a fantastic job of explaining this process. I’ve been working on the personal development part of this for a few months now. I’m finding that I feel much better when I’m focusing on myself, rather than focusing on actively looking for that special someone. I know that even if I’m alone, at least I’m doing what I want to do for myself in the meantime. While love hasn’t walked into my life yet, I’m confident that when I’m ready for it, it will. Thanks so much for reminding me that I’m on the right path.
Ria

Feb 12 09, 7:33 am PDT

15
Wow, Tina! You addressed all of the lessons on relationships I’ve learned to date… but in a much more articulate and organized way than I. This post is required reading, regardless of whether you are single or married, in a relationship or not. FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF!

Great job! Glad I subscribe and found you in my G.Reader today.
Dee

Feb 12 09, 7:44 am PDT

16
This is another great post, I appreciate the level of detail you go into. What I’m continuously fascinated by is how to grow old with someone. So many couples break up, so many people settle… what if “forever” doesn’t work? What if we fall in and out of love every few years, like the four or seven years it takes to raise one or two babies until they’re out of the diapers? Can humans transcend the biology and chemistry, or is the whole romantic notion an illusion, unnecessary for the survival of the species, and thus best kept to novels and films?
:-)
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Feb 12 09, 7:48 am PDT

17
With V-day around the corner… This is a very apt post indeed…

Thanks for sharing your story =)
tom

Feb 12 09, 7:56 am PDT

18
This is great, it’s what I have been talking about for a few weeks now.

We are so insecure that we go out finding someone else that will accept and approve us for who we are not. We think that someone else will solve our problems and in the end both people end up getting hurt.

This is great I will feature this article in my top 10 list next week.

thank you
Anonymous
Feb 12 09, 8:14 am PDT

19
Greatly written blog – however, the one, very, very big problem I personally have with it is that it takes fundamentally complex issues, and breaks them apart into extremely simple, even primitive, logical and clear set of answers. In other words, it takes a highly complex topic with multitudes of various aspects and shades of grey, and presents them as if “no, really, it’s not complex at all, here’s a simple set of steps to follow and all of your problems will be solved” type-of-thing. Which is clearly not true.

It’s not that most of what’s written here is wrong – quite the contrary. It’s just that it seems written on a very simplistic level. Too logical and too broken down. Pre-chewed, so to speak. And to me, it seems that these conclusions are only worthwhile if one has reached them him- or herself, and not read them on the internet.

Take this topic for example – while I agree with most logic and ideas written here, if I were to logically apply this process as described I would never, ever, find my soulmate as I did. If someone asks me why I am with that person, I wouldn’t be able to give many logical answers – it’s something you feel deep inside, on a subconscious level. And it has nothing to do with the conscious criteria I can logically describe.

I understand that most of you probably won’t agree with me here, and would reason that if at least someone finds a blog like this helpful, it is worth being written. Which is also true in my opinion. But it still irritates me beyond belief to read something multi-sided and complex broken down to highly black-and-white, simplistic and spoon-fed principles. Just a personal opinion, nothing more. :)
chanida noy
Feb 12 09, 9:00 am PDT

20
tina, you are so insightful. this brings me better perspective for this valentine’s weekend! thank you :-)
RoS

Feb 12 09, 9:37 am PDT

21
Not a doubt as to why I love your website. I am not usually the type to leave a comment on anyone’s blog, so this is kinda big deal for me. I suppose I am doing this out of selfish motives, as I find myself on the crossroads here.

I met my (ex) girlfriend while we were studying in UK in 2006. I remember the day correctly; it was 2 weeks before Valentine’s Day and we had planned a night out of drinking as our first date (very cheesy!). My ol’ fashioned self could ignore the fact that I was getting to take someone out on my first, first date. Anyways, it was a wonderful night and it felt like we connected instantly, although I am the shy type. Our relationship lasted for about 2.5 years when both of us could not hold on to our jobs in UK. So, I had to come back home and she followed suit. We promised each other to never part with each other, at least as friends, which is why we try and keep in touch on a regular basis. It’s now been over 4 months since we left each other. Me have agreed to not let our friendship be defined as love and that is helping us get through days.

Wait a second! A bit about me before I get to my problem. I come from a typical orthodox family, and have to my credit many firsts in the family. I was the first to leave for a residential school when I was 10. I was the first to study abroad in my family. I was also the first to stay abroad for a long period of time, 3 years to be exact. Now, I am by no means an orthodox type. I don’t believe in any such thing. I am pretty open minded and like to have control over my own life (which is apparently seen as a negative in a joint family). So, here is the problem. Lately, I have been getting really frustrated of the way people treat me in the family. I have been trying hard to advance the business but my new ideas don’t get much of support from anyone, including my dad. All this has made me very rebellious and wanting to leave, citing higher education as an excuse. My frustration is only lessened when I speak to my (ex) girlfriend and vent all my problems to her (and she is an excellent listener). I get a feeling that this frustration of mine has made me more emotionally attached to her. I am pretty sure if you ask her if she felt the same, she would deny it cause we both know we cannot stay together (because of our cultural differences). But now, because of the situations surrounding me, I am always looking out for her to hear me. I long for her even more now. I care less about our cultural divide and feel more closer to her. I now get the feeling that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have been thinking about her since we parted in October but now it has only worsened. I am unsure I am running away from something stupid or walking towards something I love?
Jamin Shoulet
Feb 12 09, 10:12 am PDT

22
Thank you so much for the article. I have been reading your site for some time now, but only now decided to say thank you for your insight and wisdom.

I’m starting to go through a divorce right now and I’m going through so many different feelings, which make it hard to focus on what is important in my life. this article certainly puts everything in a better perspective.
sea

Feb 12 09, 10:53 am PDT

23
this article truly helping my love
Arvind

Feb 12 09, 11:15 am PDT

24
Tina,

As always, I found this post very objective and informative. If there was ever such a thing as a steps to find love, this would be it.

However, I would like to add that, love often tends to be much more complex and random than stated above. I do agree with your point of view that loving yourself is the first step (and a very important one) in this process of finding love but it is hard to define what exactly means by ‘loving yourself truly’.

From my personal experience I have found that there is never really any one thing/ few points that works or doesn’t work. Also, society & time seems to play a much bigger part in this landscape than people give credit for. The way I see it, it’s one of those primal qualities in humans that hasn’t really changed much over a vast period of evolution and is still ranges from 1-255 shades on a gray scale of which we may only be aware of a few.
Karl Staib - Work Happy Now

Feb 12 09, 11:21 am PDT

25
I found the love of my life, but no one is perfect for each other. There are always disagreements and problems. What makes people compatible is how they work through their issues and make the relationship stronger.

Great article. I especially love the part of loving yourself. Once you respect your own thoughts and emotions it makes it that much easier to respect someone else’s.
Glen Allsopp

Feb 12 09, 11:30 am PDT

26
Huuuuuge, but good article Tina. I found your part about orgasms interesting, so that’s why I’m such a good catch :P

Haha

Cheers,
Glen
Marc and Angel Hack Life

Feb 12 09, 12:18 pm PDT

27
My number one tip would be:

Give things a chance!

Most poeple give up before the relationship begins.

;-) Stumbled.
Trina

Feb 12 09, 12:50 pm PDT

28
Self acceptance is so vital with any relationship. It is going to be difficult to love someone else if you can’t even like yourself. Learn to give yourself the same break that you give others and you’ll see that you are pretty cool after all!

Thanks as always!
ed

Feb 12 09, 12:54 pm PDT

29
Great article. Remembering that self acceptance isn’t an automatic hook-up pass can be tough. The universe might have other lessons to teach first!
Asianmommy

Feb 12 09, 2:43 pm PDT

30
So true–love yourself first. Don’t hang on to relationships that don’t work for you. There is no perfect person, but there are a lot of potential great fits.
Scott

Feb 12 09, 3:46 pm PDT

31
Thank you Tina. All of these ring true and I have definitely been guilty of some of the things you watch out for. Something that I have found to be incredibly helpful and almost soothing is keeping good relations with ex’s. I still remain friends (if not good friends) with just about everyone I have dated. There is of course a decent period of hard feelings after a breakup but once the emotion is past, I am a firm believer of being friendly. Who knows, maybe this could cause jealousy issues with someone involved in one of the relationships but so far it has been great and felt like the only right way way to go about it. My girlfriend of 6 years feels the same what, which makes a big difference as well.

The way I see, I spent many months or even years getting to know a person better than most anyone else so why just throw that away if it does not work romantically? Doesn’t make sense to me. The more friends and connections the better.

Happy day of love!

Scott
Mona

Feb 12 09, 4:13 pm PDT

32
tina, you are amazing! such clarity and articulation!

i’m luck that i’ve been in a great relationship for the past 20 years. all your suggestions apply for maintaining a great relationship…starting with loving myself. as for the sex part, it really does get better and better the more you work on yourself and are happy…
Sara at On Simplicity

Feb 12 09, 4:25 pm PDT

33
“…there is an ingredient of magic in finding love.” Ain’t that the truth?

Being ready to be happy on your own–potentially for the rest of your life–is one of the most freeing experiences. I do feel that I couldn’t love my husband like I do if wasn’t ready to live life on my own. With that in place, I choose to love the hell out of him every day.

I do think that minimum requirements change, though. There are some things I thought I needed when I was single. I thought I would never be truly happy without them. But when you meet someone whose a great fit, you might find that your needs change. So while being treated well and having compatibility should never come off the list, things like marriage and children just might. Finding true love opens doors you might not have known were even there…
Teri Mai

Feb 13 09, 3:59 am PDT

34
I like the last paragraph the most!:o) I believe very much in the ingredient of magic. And I believe in becoming the most outstanding person possible. I will copy this paragraph into my notebook with my favourite quotes:o) Thanks Tina!
Martin

Feb 13 09, 8:43 am PDT

35
Great article.
To true love yourself first. Self acceptance is so vital with any relationship.

Excelent site.

Martín
Jonathan | EnlightenYourDay.com

Feb 14 09, 3:27 pm PDT

36
Well thought out and informed article on love. I enjoyed the read, my favourite part was the “A few words on sex”, and the hormone called oxytocin . Thanks
Jonathan
Rosabel

Feb 14 09, 7:35 pm PDT

37
This is one of the best articles I’ve read! It gives me lots of guidelines and courage. I’m getting out from my so called “relationship” with this man that I thought “He is the one!”.
Arswino

Feb 14 09, 7:36 pm PDT

38
Hi Tina, I love this part : we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves. I think it is the foundation of love indeed.
Thank you for sharing with us. :)
Frank Wong

Feb 15 09, 9:08 am PDT

39
Great article Tina.

For me is just make it simple, true love is from our side. When you already have a commitment, just give your love.

Love,
Frank
Teh Will

Feb 15 09, 5:21 pm PDT

40
Great article, but:
Screw the lists and start out with every single Self-Esteem book, workshop, seminar, class, therapist, you can get your hands on until that issue’s fixed. ->THEN you’ll feel confident being assertive.

Clarify + Articulate, BUT then ‘forget’ them. Otherwise, it comes off as “Agenda-Lady’s Instruction Methodology for Robot Husbandry & Intercourse”.
There is more un-pre-definable Mojo+value to an organic human being than: 1 from Column A + 2 from Column B. (insert Hamlet quote here)

***Though, I Do realize society and biology are very very very hard on women for relationships, marriage and children. -fair play there.

As far as feeling early attachment anxiety; you are not responsible to anyone but yourself.
If you’re on Date 5 and it’s not a match: Stop; call it like it is; and Change it to a friendship. No Guilt. Move on. +You’re saving both parties.

+++++On the Other Extreme, though: If someone brought up marriage and kids on the Date 1 with me, there would be a cloud of smoke and a set of tire marks on the street as I did a Steve McQueen burnout right out of there.
[or: At least buy me a drink before you #%$@ me. --Am I an Object in a construction blueprint; or a human being?]

The other thing about [the call to] Lists is they [can] invite Wildly Unrealistic Perfectionist Narcissism, as discussed in a post about a woman who felt ‘settling’ was ~dating anyone poorer than Bill Gates: http://jezebel.com/360574/lower-your-standards-bitch

Many women are spoiled for choice and attention from men and don’t realize, as one very cool girl there said ~,
“If I ran into some perfect millionaire who looked like George Clooney, what the hell would he be doing hanging out with me? Each one of us deserves to be hanging out with someone precisely as #%$@-ed up as we are.”

In Math, 2+2=4. In Biology, 2+2=5.
So take those lists with a grain of salt, or you may ‘get what you wish for’ but still end up with problems; -just a different kind.

PS: Good On’Ya for knocking Scarcity Mentality!!!
-Men are routinely brainwashed to think any beautiful girl is impossibly rare, automatically virtuous, and immediately worship-worthy b/c of how she looks. -Instead of thinking there are 100ks out there and they’re all as imperfect as me.
Jared

Feb 18 09, 9:30 am PDT

41
I was unable to have truly healthy and rewarding relationships until I learned how to have a loving one with myself.

I had a life coach/spiritual adviser assign me a task of writing down on paper my idea relationship. On completion, I had a page filled with what I perceived to be my perfect match. We then went through and counted the number of “I’s”–I had 26 of them. My whole life I was always looking at relationships from a “what’s in it for me” perspective. Conversely, I attracted the same type of person. From James Allen in As A Man Thinketh, “Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” At this point I had one failed marriage to my resume.

This led to a long process of redefining my values and self-perception. I learned to love myself for who I was, faults and all. My wife and I met two years ago next week. We met through an online dating service. We didn’t spend a lot of time instant messaging or talking on the phone, we met face-to-face immediately. Through experience we each new that by spending long hours texting or talking you get somewhat personally invested. Then upon meeting, if there is no chemistry, it makes a clean break and honesty more difficult. We met two hours after initially making contact online. We talked for eight hours straight, we shared everything immediately. I personally laid it all out on the table, everything I had done I was ashamed of and proud of in my life. I knew I had to be accepted for who I was, because I had come to accept myself for who I was. We both had been through some hard things in our lives and had just arrived at this same point and time together.

Today I know I had to do a million things wrong to get to this perfect place in life. And I’m grateful for everyone one of them.

We got married on 12/02/09.

My advice, know how to love yourself first, be open to love, and love will find you.
Renee

Feb 18 09, 7:38 pm PDT

42
Thank you for the wonderful article. A big part of the trouble with relationships today, as you point out, is that people do not love themselves. I give out lots of advice on the topic and that is what I find too. Helping someone find that child who had been hurt or ignored and helping them to love that child is often a key part of restoring a healthy self-love.
Saili

Feb 20 09, 1:07 pm PDT

43
I stumbled onto this blog and absolutely loved it. I am at the crossroads of life myself, where I am looking to settle down.

Everything written here is simple and straight forward. Something we all know deep down, but miss out on it in our daily routine…

Passed it on to some of my friends too…

nicely written.

- Saili
Ariel

Feb 21 09, 12:42 am PDT

44
Great stuff, Tina! I’ve used this list idea several times repeatedly with shockingly excellent success. It’s crazy how good this works and I totally recommend it. What I’m finding is that with each relationship I’m finding some sticking points that I’m not willing to settle for and need to update my list.

It’s nice knowing that this list works so well and it’s my go-to plan when I’m ready to attract a wonderful new girlfriend into my life. :)

Your suggestion to cross out the MR’s was pretty interested. I’d never thought about that, but it does help lighten up on the ideal of perfection.

I also really liked your suggestion to be very upfront and honest and open with what you’re looking for. Clarity and directness in this area is sooo important! :)
Bart

Feb 21 09, 7:05 am PDT

45
Love it, good work Tina.
Paul Maurice Martin

Feb 25 09, 10:34 am PDT

46
“Love yourself first” – right on. I think many people don’t even really get to know themselves before they begin bouncing from one relationship to the next, which can actually be a distraction…

Living alone for a few years when I was first on my own was an invaluable experience.
charlene

Feb 28 09, 7:13 am PDT

47
Okay, so first of all this is an excellent post, and necessary for all those who are on this endless search to finding true love and a husband, and for all those who are hanging unto men who don’t truly tickle their fancy for fear of not ending up with someone in the end…

I must say that I like you, after a series of hurts and pains and wondering why don’t u like me the way i like u’s, it was GOD that took me on the hiatus and wonderful journey of loving myself, and being content in HIM and by myself, and truly showed me the happiness of loving ME and enjoying ME time and getting to know and develop myself. I also began to read lots of books about that whole lifestyle of singleness and I found in one of them the suggestion of making a HIM list. Which is, in essence, the very MR list you spoke about…and it encourages you to be specific, spelling out every detail necessary, much like your post suggests as well.

I decided I would do it, because I’m a picky camper! So i made my Him list and needless to say, I’m married now …and after 1 yr and 5 1/2 mths of being married, i found my old diary in which i wrote my HIM list and decided to read it. I was so amazed…I had to read it to my husband. All in all, It was like I was describing him, without him even being in my life… I mean down to the very details…like his HEIGHT…and his whims…it was a jaw-dropping moment for me and I had to truly give God thanks! So…you are absolutely on the ball with this one and I’m glad you made this post! :)
Tina
Mar 09 09, 3:57 pm PDT

48
Hi Tina
I’ve heard about your site from a friend and I must say that I found it really interesting. You put the ideas in such a clear way… I’m glad for having visited your site. :-)
Tina
brownin329
Mar 13 09, 6:03 pm PDT

49
okay…now I have been hearing this nonsense for years and you know what? Now I need to speak up because people need to know the truth!

I am so tired of these “articles” I don’t know what to do (sigh).

The truth is not that if you love yourself someone will come into your life. Life doesn’t work that way nor should it. If that was the case, a heck of a lot more people would be alone.

The truth is…get ready for it…is that if you have access to a wide range of people and they have access to you, you increase your odds of finding someone, loving yourself or not.

The chief ingredient is being social. You can be a complete sarcastic sourpuss and if you are in a group you are much more likely to find someone to be in a relationship with. And even be happy with!

Every pot, as my mother says, has a lid; some pots remain without lids for years but eventually they get covered with something. Yes, even if you’re a miserable, sarcastic, ironic, depressing sack of ^&%$#@, you can find love. I have seen this with my own eyes and sometimes I can’t even believe it. But yet, there for the grace of God…

Life is too random and chaotic to fit these perfect “cliches” about how to find someone. If you all thought about it, you’d realize the way you “found” someone or were “found” wasn’t so perfect either. But we as humans tend to make neat patterns out of events that are not so neat. We should stop but we can’t help it. It is part of being human.

I hope that the person reading the previous posts and trying not to throw up now knows he/she has a post that supports their viewpoint.

You’re welcome.

And STOP buying self-help books, they only “help” the author and waste trees.
christine
Mar 16 09, 9:27 am PDT

50
they say dont seek for love for it will find you,it doesnt work for me. in my 22 years of existence in this world i got tired of waiting.whenever im outside i always felt the emptiness inside of me, but after reading your article i am in a way enlightened. thank you….. and oh i can not help myself but wish that “someone out there will find me”. :)
Chris

Apr 19 09, 5:54 pm PDT

51
Tina,

I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and I love all of your posts, but I have to be honest and say this one sucks.

Your list theory tries to turn finding love into science. The no sex until someone someone fits all your MR thing sounds like a recipe for a pretty boring sex life, and the statement of intention (“are you ok with that timeline”) on the first date just sounds creepy. Like really creepy.

To be totally honest, even if your ‘timeline’ fit my plans perfectly, I’d think you were off your head for coming out with that on the first date. You see – one of the things I look for in a girl is someone who is well balanced and socially well adjusted – and asking a question like that on the first date would certainly suggest to any potential suitor that you’re not!

Yes, love yourself. The rest of this is only great if you want to scare off any decent guys who might come into your life.
Chashmish
Apr 25 09, 10:16 am PDT

52
believe in ur self!!!!
As life is all about moving on and if hurdles dont come in the path of our life than how we will improve our capabilities and how we will learn to live throughtout!!!!!!
nasim
Apr 30 09, 8:18 am PDT

53
hi im 26 years old,i loved someone and we have relationship but when i said to him i take a pill for my stress he left me.he thoght that im mad.also with this pill i cant become pregnance.i am disappointed. i m alone.what should i do??
dadshouse

May 01 09, 10:54 am PDT

54
I agree with much of what you wrote initially, that you shouldn’t attach yourself to the external appearance of your relationship. It only leads to depression. (btw – I see we’ve read some of the same spiritual and motivational authors: Tolle, Robbins, Millman, Gladwell, The Secret)

But you then seem to contradict that with your listing specific details of what you want in your partner. Isn’t that determining a manifest form to which you want to attach yourself?

Have you read Florence Scovel Shinn’s “The Game of Life and How to Play it?” She wrote back in the 1920′s, and she reminds us to focus on the feelings we want to experience, and let the universe manifest forms for us. Those forms may not always be what we thought ahead of time.

For instance – why do you have a dealbreaker that your partner has to be able to dance well? What’s the corresponding feeling you hope to experience? What if you find this dancing partner, but then he loses his legs in a freak accident. Won’t that mess up your attachment? Won’t those feelings of well-being crash into depression?

I can see how your method of clearly identifying the forms you want will lead you to find those forms everywhere. But I think you are setting yourself up for new attachments in your life.
Tim

May 05 09, 9:56 am PDT

55
Hi Tina —

You say:
For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

You should also note that different people have different oxytocin receptor subtypes, and different levels of hormone in the blood after sex. The hormone acts in various ways, including modulating activity in the prefrontal cortex, which in turn seems to decrease your ability to critically analyze / see faults in a lover. It’s not good nor bad, just a feature of our physiology.

Some men (myself included) don’t really get this strong oxytocin effect. I gather this from talking with my friends – some of them were commenting how intense the connection feels after sex, whereas I usually feel like … eating breakfast. That said, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything; I love women a lot! And ‘hormonal connection’ is not synonymous with ‘emotional connection’ or ‘happiness’.

Thank you for the blog, have fun, and beautiful wedding pics you have here :-)

T
Sebastyne

May 09 09, 2:59 am PDT

56
To me you hit the nail in the head in the beginning of your article; Your parents probably weren’t relationship experts, and you didn’t study relationships at school. That is a real problem. We DON’T KNOW what we want when we go out into the world to look for love. We have ideas about those grandiose love affairs of the movies, but what about real life? What happens after the boy gets the girl and all the drama is over? How do you actually BE happy after you find the one you’re looking for? To most of us, it is the thrill of the chase rather than actually wanting the relationship, and the biggest rush isn’t love, but the eternal question of will he confirm that I’m worth loving or will he not? When he does, it’s a big buzz for about a week, but by the following weekend we need a new fix… Thinking we want a relationship with this guy, but in reality we just want a validation of acceptance on his part.
A.S
May 11 09, 6:23 pm PDT

57
This was an amazing article, and I stumbled upon it at the perfect time. Thank you so much!
anita tamang
May 15 09, 3:28 am PDT

58
i love her much more and the reason behind that is she is beautiful good behavour and lovely girls
Find your love match

Jun 03 09, 6:40 pm PDT

59
Love it, good work Tina.
Sarah
Jun 04 09, 10:42 am PDT

60
Thank you so much! I am having relationship problems at the moemnt and reading this helped a lot! thanx
Dr Vincent
Jun 23 09, 6:18 pm PDT

61
Dear Tina,

Thanks for the article. I definitely am dependent on the significant other for self-worth. Which perhaps is funny to think that way because I have so much to offer (committed, compassionate, doctor, artist, rock climber, surfer, multi-cultural, etc.); however, I do put my life on the backseat for every girl of my interest. And worse of all, I seem to only find girls afar interesting while girls near me the opposite. After reading your article, I believe my image of the perfect match may be too unrealistic = me never happy with the girl nearby. I instead seek out a girl afar, which allows for me to fill in the mystery of her = make her into my perfect desire. And I know that even any girl near or far will not match what I had conjured up. And so you are correct in your article on this matter, but I fear my old habit will die hard. I feel like I am myself my own patient. I hope I can eventually break this habit. Either way, I will stop looking for the girl, near or far. My career and everything must come first. And I hope what people say is true. That love will appear when least expected.
puja
Jul 09 09, 9:13 am PDT

62
hi tina can i have your email so i can ask you a few questions please ?
Baaba Jamal

Jul 23 09, 8:17 pm PDT

63
I want to thank you very much for this article site.Infact am back on my fit to love myself more than ever before looking back to love other people in my life.I truelly believe that there is time for evberything which i believe that one day by the HOOK am going to come across the right person who can easily understand and truelly love me for who i am.I find it hard to love again but with all due of respect i have for LOVE am going to give my heart again one day.Time is what we have to look forward to.Love is full of happiness and joy may everyone surely come across it one day through the hands of our endouring father lord.AMEN. By Baaba Jamal (Alias Armsstrong)
amrinder
Aug 18 09, 9:44 pm PDT

64
great !!!! thanks for giving me such agreat advice to become a extraorinary persone and now I will do same and i will get my true love !!!!! If there is some beautyful girl who know actualy that what is true love can contect me on my number !!!! from India you can call me at this number 00380936649231 !!!!!! remember one thing that I want to marry an angel !!!!!!!!
nora
Oct 20 09, 6:28 am PDT

65
Love so much to the article!! amazing! Thank so much. I will 26 years soon. This article help me much to get my soulmate.
Brandon

Nov 13 09, 2:37 pm PDT

66
They say the key to the heart is good cooking. So I have come up with a game plan for the perfect romantic dinner for any occasion. Quick and easy and you can say you did it on your own. For the guys out there trying to land that special girl then follow this step by step. This should keep you in good favor with the particular female and if you’re in the dog house it sure as hell will get you out of it.
Austin
Feb 06 10, 9:09 pm PDT

67
Beautiful insight. I was enraptured, almost having found a key to a door ive been knocking for quite a while.
Brokenhearted
Mar 19 10, 12:47 pm PDT

68
How does one find love when she has never been asked out once in 37 years of existence on the planet? I’ve tried online dating and ended up with not one communication.

It hurts to think not one person of the opposite sex has ever found me desirable or wanted to be with me, though my heart is filled with love and I have so much to give.

The relationship experts never seem to answer that question.
Hugh

Mar 25 10, 3:22 pm PDT

69
This is a really great article, you have some really cool points about finding and keeping love. Well I will keep some of your points in mind when I do my next love search thanks
Jai
Mar 29 10, 4:39 am PDT

70
Hi,
This is a great article which I will undoubtly pass along to my friends as well. It really helped to clarify what I want and need in my life and a suitable partner.Thanks!
John Phillips
Mar 31 10, 7:35 pm PDT

71
My moment of clarity came to me after reading your article on 3/11/2010. I could relate to everything you wrote about. I had hit my rock bottom with failed relationships also and truly wanted to know in simple terms what was wrong. I found the answers in your wonderful article and my life started changing from that day on. I read your article twice each week and every day I feel more at peace and have started loving myself. Thank you for having the insight to help the lost find their way.
P
Apr 10 10, 5:28 pm PDT

72
I really enjoyed this article. My problem has been the complete opposite. I have always been social and had many friends, but the way my guy friends toyed with girls emotions during my younger years made me hesitant to ever cross that line. Around the age of 25 (only one serious relationship at that time), I realized that I need to try and put myself out there. I was open to guys I cared about, but I always gave them more chances instead of moving on. Well, now I am 31 and have learned a tremendous amount about how insecure men can be as well as what I need and want in my life. I always end up with men that adore me at first, and claim they want it all (marriage/children) and then they cut me off say they are too scared since they like me too much! This has now happened with the last ~4 guys. I know they all respect me too…I guess I can just keep trying and be true to myself. Great article!
Mike
May 07 10, 8:56 pm PDT

73
Wow, what a true article. The best piece of literature I have ever read to date. Everything about this article is true. Everyone breathing should read this article and use it as a personal bible.
emily robinson
May 22 10, 7:06 pm PDT

74
hey this is kool i have never dated or kiss an guys so help me!!!
Edge
May 26 10, 11:53 pm PDT

75
This article sounds intelligent but is laughably flawed. No wonder the author and the most of the people supporting this article have trouble with finding their “true love.”
Denis

Jun 06 10, 12:55 am PDT

76
In my opinion, who is looking for love is blind for love that exist around already
bonnie
Jun 16 10, 8:04 pm PDT

77
This article gives excellent advise based on oxytocin lingering in the female brain for so much longer than men
hima
Jun 24 10, 8:40 am PDT

78
Hi,

This has been the most amazing article i have ever read on relationships. Though, relationships can’t be taught but, yes we can always explore it more.

Thanks for the article, it sure did help.
Danny Waterloo

Jul 08 10, 9:24 am PDT

79
Thanks for the great article. I took the time to go through the exercise and it definitely made me think about some things. I am in a relationship and I am still glad I did it.
ar
Jul 10 10, 12:08 am PDT

80
hI tiNA

Great article. I feel and do exactly as you mention in the beginning of the blog. Indeed, I have given all the pursuits that i love in the pursuit of finding a partner….

I have decided to follow the advice in this post,,, i know it will change my life
Raahul
Aug 07 10, 1:26 am PDT

81
Owsum…..
exexex
Aug 20 10, 8:31 am PDT

82
Thank You, this was so helpful. I really liked the idea of having you’re own ‘MR list’. Personally it made me think clearer and decide on what i was really looking for within a relationship.

Alot of people have said to me that it is wrong to have a criteria in you’re head of the ‘ideal’ person you are hoping to meet, and to not just specifically look out for this one person because you will end up alone.
I would have agreed with this statement before my last relationship which ended badly.

I had taken this person’s advice on being open to everyone no matter what you were or weren’t looking for in that person and had begun a relationship with someone whom didn’t really meet any of my ‘want’s ‘ at all.

I told myself to stop being so foolish and just accept this person, it’s time for you to settle down because before you know it everyone around you will be getting married and you will be left alone because people will see you as too ‘fussy’. So i stuck it out for a couple of months and tried to block out the thing’s in that person i absolutely hated. Truth is i feared being honest with this person and telling them why i was being so distant, i didn’t want this person to change for me i wouldn’t want anyone to change who they truly are.

So i ended it after the 2 months and so now i am back at square one. Can someone please answer me this:

“Will someone ever find the right person if they think of themselves as too picky?”

I know it sounds arrogant and nobody is perfect. But i believe everybody has their own definition of ‘perfect’ and i guess i’m just hoping MY ‘perfect’ will come along soon.

Thank You
Robin

Sep 02 10, 7:55 pm PDT

83
But is it possible that the guy meets all the MR, but there’s just no chemical/love rising between you two, or you have some strong feeling and connection with this guy and leaving other MR behind? I mean what if the guy doesn’t have MRs like you do, maybe with the development of your relationship, he could change some opinions to be with you.
jennifer love
Oct 02 10, 4:57 am PDT

84
how can one find a true love without sexual intercourse, who will love you with all his mind.
angie
Oct 03 10, 7:22 pm PDT

85
I read this article a while back and remembered its lessons throughout my most recent relationship. I found that making a list and defining what you really want and need were extremely useful because I found a person who met alot of the things I had written down, we dated it was great but I realized something was missing…..so aside from being helpful that way, once I realized that particular relationship was lacking something I found it surprisingly easy to let go and be true to my self. As silly as it may sound I broke up with a perfectly good person simply because I knew he wasn’t right for me and that I wanted more. I think that this article touches upon so many important things, but the most relevant for most of us here is that when you truly get to know who you are and enjoy being with yourself, family, friends, you can be perfectly happy and having a man is just gravy!!!
nico
Nov 03 10, 4:15 am PDT

86
i hade a bad life,no luck n…… i had fell in love but who came in my life only left me!now im lonly alone coz that i blah some body came with me n he wasent honest.if you are one of my friend show me the best way to be friend!!!!!!!!!!!!
brenda
Nov 14 10, 11:46 pm PDT

87
I am definetly at a crossroads in my life right now. I just got out of a very bad relationship that lasted for 2 years. I loved this article because it immedialty pin-pointed what I was doing wrong in my own relationship.How am I ever going to find true love if I can’t even love myself? I always find myself bending over backwards for men that I date, but if it came down to it, they wouldn’t nearly do half the things that I do for them.

After the breakup with my boyfriend, I bought myself a promise ring and made a promise to myself that I will NEVER love anyone more than I love myself.
Polly Anna
Nov 27 10, 4:29 pm PDT

88
My 3rd marriage. First was out of youth and mistakes, the 2nd, was still married and a psycopathic liar and even set people up to be nurdered for a pot sales deal. Cold man/ but the third. First 2 years, bliss, it was like soul mates finally met. But actually, there were many secrets and most very bad, for her, gad life from age 5 own, abusedm used and screwed by family. But for husband # 3, she has learned in her mind that men are pigs and ned to be manipulated, used, left disoriented, confused, left guessing, many moe secrets, and no trust etc, and all is hidden very well, for she has become a master deceiver and manipulator. Now there are times she can be her sweet self, which is a way to continue confusion. Listen to me, I believe in marriage, but face it, the 50\\\’s are over. If you don\\\’t know this woman like the back of your hand and she you, then live together, and get to know who each other are. If by chance she actually wants to give love another chance, she will stick around for years and years for the paperwork means nothing, it is the relationship built. But once that document is signed, the entire relationship changes and she becomes a stranger and then the complete life of confusion and broken hearts begin. remember, she ate the apple first, she didn\\\’t believe or trust God for she is easily seduced, and then she can really seduce, and so Adam liked what she has, didn\\\’t want to lose it, and ate the frut too, and here we are today, in a cesspool of a fallen dying world. Best advice, if you haven\\\’t known her for 10 to 15 years, close, and always get a size check, then just wait on the marriage, even if she is regnant. You can love her w/o marriage. I normally would say no to premarital sex, and still do, but heh, it is a cold blooded world out there, and after giving my heart and love for 28 years to my what I believed to be the locve of my life, my woman, she hates my guts, no trust, no belief, no sleeping together, no hold hands, but wait a minute, she was abused from age 5 to 18 by dear old adoptive daddy and family and they really taught her well how to survive and so she vcarries thise instincts with her for life, and so, it is the families fault if you are to point blame. But the point is this, know her well, and talk, and make sure thee aren;t dark dark secrets and learn to know when she lies, is manipulating, keping secrets, and give it time. And you may have a chance to a happy marriage. But listen this, there are men out there that can be even bigger sadistic jerks si it wirks both ways. Know her before you make commitment, At least 10 years. If she is pushy. Tell her to trust you, and you better mean it, or one meal may be your last. Goes both ways, but know each other, and make the relationship before you marry, and some believe it is best to stay unmarried but true blue to each other. Heh, if love is what you desire, then patience is a virtue. She is not pproperty, and your heart, mind and soul aren\\\’t available to be destroyed later. BE 100% sure or wait. In time, you will know each other like a book and will know what is real and what is just a game of deception, on the part of wither partner. And I would advice, if you can\\\’t wait, safe sex, no children, until you know, because why should they suffer
Bri
Dec 05 10, 4:19 pm PDT

89
This is more of a can-I-have-some-advice story, rather than a love story . . . so if anyone could give me some insight that would be awesome.
Ok, so, there’s this guy. We used to hang out when we were little and have the most amazing time laughing and playing together. We were just friends, and his mom and my mom were tight. Over a 5 year period, our connection died somehow and we didn’t talk anymore. Then one day, he spontaneously found me on Facebook. We started talking, then texting, then we eventually planned a little get together at his house. After a week since he found me on Facebook, I couldn’t explain the way I felt about him. It was like whenever I was around him, I felt completely . . . comfortable, I guess you could call it. When we watched movies together, he always put his arm behind me on the couch (not in a creepy “I’m trying to make a move” way) and I instinctively would scoot closer to him and lay on his arm. It didn’t feel weird at all . . . and with any other guy they’d just try to hit on me. I kinda stopped trusting almost every guy I met so I wouldn’t have to deal with the bull crap. But with him . . . it seems different. I just don’t know if I’m ready to jump into something with him, especially since he just got out of a bad break-up (I cheered him up with cheesy Youtube videos!) and since we JUST started talking. He feels like a best friend to me . . . he totally gets me. We think alike, and we both are sensitive enough not to pressure each other into anything. It’s like, I want to go to the next level with him, but I’m still getting my life started and I don’t want a relationship to add to my stress. It’s sort of . . . complicated. He keeps telling me that he can’t deny what he feels and that he thinks that this just might be fate because of that old saying, “If it’s meant to be, it’ll come back around”. He said he’ll wait for me, since I don’t want to jump into anything . . . but I don’t want to be selfish and keep him from finding his perfect girl somewhere. I just don’t know what to do . . . my brain and my heart tell me two different things and they’re having an internal war in my body. Any suggestions, criticisms, comments, ANYTHING, let me know please.

Thanks!
Lisa

Dec 13 10, 5:32 pm PDT

90
I loved this article and will share it with my twitter peeps and clients.

The concept of minimum requirements is one of the things I work on first with most of my “single and looking” clients. It’s a big deal, it seems obvious, but is often a revolutionary concept for many women. It changes everything.

I also think the relationship with self is the biggest component to getting a relationship with anyone else on the right track. It like to share an article I wrote about that.

http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/mini-manifesto.php

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
natty
Dec 19 10, 10:27 am PDT

91
im so lonely T_T
Ou
Dec 23 10, 6:01 am PDT

92
“I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone.” Actually, this article is the first one on this website that hits on me alot. (besides the other article about limited beliefs) It makes me realise about my bad marriage. Probably I married him because I think he would make my life interesting and happy. I live for him and do not love myself enough. I place everybody above myself, probably due to my family background. In the end, we are not happy.

I am going to find ways to love myself more. To grow into a stronger and happier woman, I need to love myself first and above. Thanks, Tina for making me realise.
Ou
Dec 23 10, 6:04 am PDT

93
Sorry, I am referring to the first article at http://thinksimplenow.com/relationships/how-to-get-over-breakups/
Kristin Jensen

Jan 01 11, 7:57 am PDT

94
Dear Tina,

You wrote “My freedom day came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain.”

It gave me goose-bumps when I read this because that was exactly what I experienced only a few months back. I was madly in love with a man and I lost control of my feelings totally. He was married and it was no hope for a relationship. And I was too “needy” so and he pulled back. I found myself in a deep depression that almost made me end my life.

To make a long story short, I searched for help on The Internet and found a video that changed my life totally. Today I am alone, I am building my own business, I am free and happy, I dream about finding true and lasting love but I am not in a hurry because I know I will find it when the time is right. I have more self-esteem than ever and I belive that nothing is impossible. I opened my heart to myself and found peace.

I love this article, you truly are a nature-talent when it comes to writing Tina.

Take care.

Love from Kristin
Vijay - Tips To Get back your ex

Jan 05 11, 9:46 am PDT

95
Tina,
I really love your articles. You really go to the depth of the topic.

It’s very difficult to find true love. At the same time some people are so lucky that they get their love very easily.
anonymous
Jan 06 11, 5:58 pm PDT

96
Bri,
Just let things “flow” naturally. If it’s meant to be, both of you will know.
serge
Jan 13 11, 9:41 am PDT

97
dear people,
yes for sure ,first you need to know your self and live with your self and your past , we make good decision and some bad one’s, we think we are in love because of what the other look like on the outside, but we have no idea about what he or she is thinking about, we have to look a certain way for the opposite sex to give us a first look, other wise there is no look and they did even know and would never know that i am a nice men, a men that will onely love 1 women, has long has she will love me i will love her,
live and learn from it, i did meet some women that are looking for money, outside beauty and possestion that a men shuld have even before they would give him 1 short look,

i live and work on a lighthouse ,i have live and work here for 15 years and in those years i have been alone for 13 of them, i learn about my self and what it is important to me,
i want to love 1 women and i want to respect her and talk with her and listen to her the same way she will for me,
but sad to said were i live and work it is onely possible to come here by helicopter and internet dating has to many scammer and not so nice people,

i like living in isolation because i dont want to see people hurting each other all the time, i dont want to see anymore the look women give me because i am 55 and single, and not rich and i dont have a body of a 22 year old men , i am 55 and with a body that is not obese and ido have some muscle and i do have a litle stomac, we are humain so we first look at the physical before we find out about the person. anyone that tell me they dont do that shuld sit down by them self and think about there past relation ship and how it begain and how it ended.

i like to talk and listen and i like asking question and ansering them and it is about everyting, even making love ,what she would like me to do to make her happy and what she dont want me to do,
talking openly about everyting and listening to each other is what i learn . love and even trou love do not happend at first, learn first to respect each other, talk and listen even if you got married dont mean it is trou love, that part of the relation ship will come in time or not at all,
have a nice day
serge
jerry jackson

Jan 21 11, 3:42 am PDT

98
i love it. and thanxs
Unloved
Jan 22 11, 1:31 pm PDT

99
It’s a nice article full of “feel good” advice but it is all bullshit. You are on this earth for a very small amount of time. You don’t have all the time in the world to find a partner and there is no “perfect match” out there for you. If people aren’t talking to you or dating you it’s because you are a piece of shit like me. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can find happiness…or kill yourself. I have no one and everyone I ever had left me. I’m just going to fucking end it….just need to figure out the best way to do it
kristin

Jan 23 11, 12:45 am PDT

100
To unloved,

I understand you, I have been there, I spent a whole day reading about how to end my own life – I can tell you there is no safe way to do it – you risk ending up as an invalid.

Today I am happier than ever even if I am alone. I found “myself” and that changed my life. I am also dreaming about finding love, and I know I will find it. You can read my story on my webpage. And please take your time and watch this video – it changed my life http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9002882253039527684#
If I could do it, you can too – I am 52 and love life now, I don’t feel any stress any longer. Please let me know how you are doing. You can do it! Kristin
kira
Jan 23 11, 11:57 am PDT

101
thank you!
ali
Jan 28 11, 9:40 pm PDT

102
great article.its amazing.
katie graehling
Feb 03 11, 10:06 am PDT

103
I know what that is like i have been brokend hearted so many times and try to sleep with a broken heart after a man has said to you that all they wanted from you was a child and that was it? ladies what would tell him? The answer is to walk on a new plant land where you can wait and find the right man? ladies to rush your life just because of a man and sex thats not the answer trust me ladies there so much time left? Dont waste it?
niranjala

Feb 12 11, 5:02 am PDT

104
Best article………. i really got a very good knowledge.
Lucy
Feb 15 11, 12:51 pm PDT

105
And here I thought I was the only one. I just experienced the same moment of clarity. Thank you for this article it was truly the most relieving feeling.
niranjala

Feb 16 11, 10:58 pm PDT

106
Thank you, I really appreciate your service.
Joseph John
Feb 19 11, 10:05 am PDT

107
Very Very Nice Article… Helped me a lot. God Bless you
Magnus
Mar 02 11, 4:05 am PDT

108
Tina (oddly Swedish, like myself),

You’re really wise; I think you and I share old souls or at the very least some form of ‘kindred spirits.’

As silly as this sounds, you should consider starting a radio/talk-show (maybe this already exists?) so that others – the non/e-savvy people of Earth – can be graced with your wisdom and knowledge.

Please don’t feel meek or flattered by my remark; I’m a quite blunt and humble person myself. However, I give notice and glorification when it’s both earned and due. I’ve read recentely several of your articles (post ex bulls_#!) and can’t thank you enough for your insightful help and guidance. God damn you are brilliant! I hope the gay equivallent is out there for me somewhere like you! :)

Hahaha..skojar bara men inte riktigt! ;) Hursomhelst, DU är verkligen helt underbar! Jag kommer rekomendera dig åt ALLA mina svenska vänner. (if you figure this out you are even more awesome than thought) :o)

En massa pussar och kramar (hugs and kisses) från den norrakylen…Sweden.

xo

Mange (magnus) from SV
david whisenhunt
Mar 13 11, 2:56 am PDT

109
i have to say that this site isgood and that it really tell you whattodo better in life to have a better relationship and hope to find thatperson who will treat meright
david
Colton
Apr 09 11, 9:09 pm PDT

110
I just happened to come across this article when I googled “how to find true love.” Lame, I know, but I was facing yet another Friday night alone and couldn’t help myself. I cannot believe the insight I’ve gained from this article, and I’ve read entire books on this particular topic. It will be one year on May 5th that my ex left me for someone else. It has been the single most traumatic experience I’ve ever had. I was so depressed that my two businesses dwindled away while I hid under the covers of my bed with the blinds drawn for months, popping pills or with a drink in my hand. I can honestly say, this article has actually given me hope that I could in fact find love again (the right kind) and I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ from the bottom of my heart.
Lizzie

Apr 11 11, 1:13 pm PDT

111
I want love
wonder

May 12 11, 11:06 pm PDT

112
That is great,i leans a lot out of this how to be in a relationship with people and the kind of people i well be going to..I well nave fear in love with a police lady,she ll say hands up” or a lady doctor,she ll say next please”but rather to a lady teacher,she ll say i should repeat my love more time…..
angel
Jun 03 11, 9:30 pm PDT

113
so there are other people who sit home on friday night and good ‘how to find true love’ cuz its the first thing that pops in their head?.. yea same here. battling myself.. maried for 4 years to a guy i met and knew for 2 months.. he wanted to marry me he was ready for a family and i jumped at the chance to finally be with someone who wanted me. after a 5 year relationship that went no where with a highschool sweetheart.. i was definately ready for the real thing. and now i dont even know why i still stay.. fear of being alone? who will love me that much.. who will accept me for all the thing i am and am not.. i’ve lost interest in him.. and nothing is holding us together.. i know there’s someone who is a better fit for me and yet i’m still here.. holding on to him..maybe hoping love will find me and take me away from this situation.. but it hasent happend yet… he meets all the critiria.. but yet i’m just not interested in him emotionally or physically..dont most marriages end up that way? so do i look for love and passion.. or stay in this dead end situation..must start working on the loving yourself part..
Trish
Jun 07 11, 1:39 pm PDT

114
Hi! I just want to let you know I really liked your site and it being so down-to-earth and easy to understand. I have been searching and searching for information on self-fulfilling prophecies and finding love again with an ex boyfriend and have’nt found any info on it but I would love to tell you about how my ex boyfriend (25 years ago we were good friends for a short time) but now we have both re-connected and are totally in love and soul mates. The difficulty lays in the fact that he lives in the USA (driveable though) & I live in Canada. If you would like any information to help improve topics or your site; let me know! Thanks
Susan Blackburn

Jun 14 11, 3:24 pm PDT

115
What an excellent article and an amazing website… thank you for both! As a relationship coach I am always interested in the love and relationship wisdom and expertise of others. I love your advice not to actively look for a partner, but to spend the time on self development (being your own best friend and lover) and allow the magic of the universe to work on your behalf when the time is right and you’re ready. Perfect! Thanks again, Susan
Lora
Jun 26 11, 10:13 am PDT

116
Hi guys I am a new friend,I like all what have been written but i’m still waitting the real love,I cant find it!
minahil

Jun 28 11, 2:27 am PDT

117
lora me too
Lora
Jun 30 11, 12:40 am PDT

118
Hi Minahil,I think the pure and honest people can not find real love easy way,and because I have a big imagination not all the people can understand me
minahil

Jun 30 11, 3:55 am PDT

119
lora where are you from?
Platinum Skyyy

Jun 30 11, 5:50 pm PDT

120
It was actually “fun” reading this page. Very articulate, whimsical and enjoyable to read. Thanks for entertaining me.
minahil

Jul 01 11, 1:59 am PDT

121
lizzie from where you will found love?
Lora
Jul 01 11, 7:50 am PDT

122
Hi minahil,I’m from the MiddleEast,and you?
minahil

Jul 03 11, 9:13 am PDT

123
from pakistan
Bri
Jul 04 11, 1:30 am PDT

124
Hey guys! Anonymous, whoever you are, thanks. The “Flow” advice helped haha. I’m just . . . so in love now. I can’t even describe the feeling . . . I just wish that each and every one of you who’s looking to feel love or be loved or know what love is . . . i hope that you will feel this way one day, if you haven’t already. It feels like i’m lying on a cloud with millions and millions of butterflies in your stomach, and the smile on your face never wants to go away . . . you just feel so good inside. Nothing else matters, literally. I’m just glad I found it at such a young age . . . just remember that there’s always that special someone out there for you . . . always. Take care! Love will find a way for you ;)

Bri.
minahil

Jul 04 11, 2:49 am PDT

125
bri i am agree with you.i am also in love with someone but now its no need bcoz he was studing with me 2 years ago we have no affair at that time now i dont know where he is.now i try to forgot him may be someone in the world will be made for me. sorry my english is not too good bcoz i live in pakistan i m speaking english with you bcoz you cant understand urdu.
Bri
Jul 04 11, 9:52 pm PDT

126
minahil, i hope that everything works out for you in the end. i can understand your English pretty well, so great job! haha. i know this might sound a bit cliche, or cheesy, but it’s true: if it’s true love, then it will find its way back to you. Personally, i think that if you go out looking for love, you’ll wind up in all the wrong places, so the best thing to do is just be yourself . . . and by doing that, you show everyone who you really are . . . and hopefully your special someone will see that and get the courage to talk to you. You know . . . there are billions of people on earth. It’s really hard to find that “one true love” but at least you can say you tried and tried many times before — ended up with a few broken hearts along the way, but it’s life. Life is amazing. Just live it up while you can, whether you find that “one” or not. Know what I mean? Just wake up in the morning and smile, and hope for the best ;)

Bri.
minahil

Jul 06 11, 1:59 am PDT

127
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii to all and thanks bri and where is lora for 2 days?
sumit kumar

Jul 12 11, 1:51 am PDT

128
HIiiiiiiiiiiii it is a good but very tough procedure for the single boy.The girl are break up the heart any time when her want ok so
Guy

Jul 12 11, 9:18 pm PDT

129
One of the best articles on love we’ve seen – and we’ve seen a lot, even written our own book on How to Find Your True love.
Good to see we’re not alone!
Gal
Jul 15 11, 11:52 am PDT

130
This was a great article. Definitely adding this to my favorites. :) I especially love the end when you mention not looking for love but focusing on loving yourself and investing in personal interests and then allowing love to find you. I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this right now. Thanks. Stay blessed and know that your words have more meaning and impact that you can begin to imagine.
minahil

Jul 21 11, 2:57 am PDT

131
boys dhoka dete hain girls ni but sometimes girls bi aisa kr deti hain well hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii to all
Perfect Guy!
Aug 05 11, 8:42 pm PDT

132
The reason that many women are desperately looking for love but they don’t find it or they can not keep it is that “I” has the highest priority for them so they don’t want to GIVE as much as they want to GET!

Also many western women suffer from Cinderella Syndrome which means they just want to date with a PERFECT men who never comes! When I came to Sydney I was shocked by the high level of selfishness and snobbishness of its women. I have seen heaps of women who are desperate (as they are getting old) but they still can not stay with any men because they think they are way better than a normal woman!

Add to the above reasons “RACISM” which makes western women think men of other ethnicity are not good for them. Many of them might deny this but when it comes to date a non-WHITE man they simply refuse it!
Cindy

Aug 20 11, 11:57 am PDT

133
All I have to say is ‘wow’ – you are one heck of a writer. As myself I never went looking for true love or trying to find it, I knew that one day it would hit me and happen and sure enough it did and I have been in true love for the past 5 years going strong.
Justine
Aug 21 11, 5:44 pm PDT

134
Thank you!
mercy jerop
Aug 25 11, 5:18 am PDT

135
Your pieces of advice and steps are so nys.I was desperate for love but am now ok
minahil

Sep 05 11, 9:43 am PDT

136
hiiii guys perfect guy whats your real name and are you from?
Col

Sep 09 11, 1:50 am PDT

137
The MR exercise worked for me like a magic. A year ago I was hurt, skeptical, and lonely, but I read this article and made that list. Along with it I also made an MR list for a dream condo. Now, I am living with the man of my dreams in my dream condo (that I now own). Thank you, Tina!
Angela
Sep 26 11, 9:01 pm PDT

138
Some of the ideas in the article are useful of course. And the exercise in writing lists about the partner you would like might be useful for self-exploration and self-understanding (which in turn is useful for having developing and maintaining positive relationships, of the romantic.

BUT overall, as far as fitting the title “how to find true love” sorry it’s bullshxt.
I can’t help wondering if the vast majority of people commenting how much they liked the article are all very young. And unaware of how much difference just the 10 years between, for example, age 20 and age 30 makes. There’s a huge difference in who you are, the type of people you value, the ways you might meet people, etc. Not to mention, the so-called “lots of fish in the sea” gets ridiculously smaller. There’s of course all the people already couple up, so they’re out. And then, very importantly you have a much better feeling of who you are, which means you simply (very much so in my experience) feel a connection sufficient for relationship intimacy with far fewer people. Essentially, whether I want them to be that way or not, my feelings are fussier. And so are the feelings of men.

Essentially you naturally get fussier as you get a little older (I’m 35 by the way), meanwhile partly because of what I consider painful and frustrating things about how society works, there are fewer people available to you!
So my key advice to very young adults would be to be completely fussy while you can get away with it more easily!! But I don’t mean by getting around with criteria in your head…i mean by paying attention to your real feelings. Is he or she someone you really connect with and feel for, or did you just both happen to be in the same room at the same time and so defaulted? (rather sadly I’m sure the latter is the basis of many relationships)

And last thing…more about the general criteria in the first place, and this notion of ‘screening’ people. UGH. Connection and the love that follows is not a mathematical formula. It’s chemistry (not just sexual either), it’s you feeling really good when you see that person smile, even if it’s not you that made them smile. It’s something in you just…recognizing and connecting to something in them.
And though of course you need to think enough about what you do to make sure you look after yourself…as far as finding true love, it’s not thought and analysis and criteria, it’s feeling.
Ashton Campbell
Oct 01 11, 10:07 pm PDT

139
Tina,
I just turned 18 and while I may be young to be thinking about finding a serious relationship I still do (probably due to the fact that I have the maturity of those a few years older than me). Anyway, I have been going through a rough patch recently, feeling the neglect and worried about missing out on the one and even making excuses for some that I knew were wrong in hopes that I might soon find something to “cling” to. This article has COMPLETELY change my way of thinking about life. My MR list is a little long but if you’re not honest with yourself then you’re wasting your time right? Basically, thank you, I’ve already told others about it.
Ashton Campbell
Oct 01 11, 10:14 pm PDT

140
Also, I can see where Angela is coming from about age of readers (being young myself, as mentioned) and the change in tastes, but optimism and mind set plays a big role in every aspect of life. I think that this article, even if it is “bullshxt”, it serves its purpose. I feel better about myself as a person and I have a clearer idea of what I want out of my potential partner.
Madhav singh mittal
Oct 21 11, 8:59 am PDT

141
I love and appreciate these column.i want a good girlfriend who cares for me from her heart.
Em
Oct 25 11, 2:04 pm PDT

142
This article really makes me think. I have never had a true relationship with any guy and I might know why right now. Its because I don’t really love myself. I don’t accept who I am. I am pretty insecure when I am around other guys because I don’t think I deserve to be accepted, or I don’t open up in fear of being judged. After reading this, I realized how unattractive that must be. Its unattractive to me. On my MR list, I wanted someone who loves himself and loves life. How can I get someone like that when I am not even like this?
I am only 18, I have lots of time. I now realize that I need to ACCEPT myself and love myself before I can love anyone else. I also agree that you can’t just go looking for love like its an item at a clothing store. I need to figure out me, and then I can be open to love. Love will come when I’m not searching for it.
I think the universe is teaching me a lesson. That I have to start loving me before the right person will come into my life.
Thankyou for this article.
Simply "?"
Nov 01 11, 8:00 pm PDT

143
Angela – I completely agree with you, I’m turning 28 in a week’s time. Everyone has their “timeline”, whether it’s for love, career, family or other matters – but it dawned on me today, post reading this article, that my personal perceptions, values and ways have dramatically changed as time has passed.

I agree that Tina has given some very useful insights to help clarify messy thoughts, however one must also acknowledge that every individual is unique – including their experiences and encounters. Hence Tina’s thoughts and advices should not be religiously applied without carefully adding in your own views. This is the part where I completely agree with Angela: age defines and dictates a large portion of how much of Tina’s theories apply.

After reading this article, I’m more convinced that there is no one formular or theory on finding love – but it’s good to know that I’m not the only one out there with this problem.

Good luck to all – wishing you happiness and finding true love.
Simply "?"
Nov 01 11, 8:01 pm PDT

144
Angela – I totally agree with you.
minahil

Nov 08 11, 5:57 am PDT

145
hiiiiiiiiii guys as i have said before that now i forget him so now im again fall in love with a guy.im very frank with him but he dont know that i love him and i also dont know that he loves me or not.well guys plz pray for me to make him love me.we meet everyday but when i cant meet him i feel very uncomfortable and the worst thing is that i have not seen him for 3 weeks.
Jonny

Nov 14 11, 7:14 pm PDT

146
Incredible points.

Sound arguments. Keep up the

good spirit.
lasu

Nov 15 11, 4:39 am PDT

147
Love and for all but not many men
Phil
Nov 16 11, 2:07 am PDT

148
All I can say is thanks, this has really helped.

Having just found out that I am unlikely to ever get my chance with the second person I have met who fits my MR list almost perfectly, I was aimlessly surfing the net when I came across this article. A lot of the points here are things that I have known for a long time, mostly learned from bitter experience, but there were still quite a few things that I found very enlightening and helpful.

To some degree I have to sympathize with Angela’s comments, I am coming up on 50 now and it does seem that the possibilities and choices do get a lot smaller with time. However, I also believe that if there is enough commitment then you can have a successful relationship with almost anybody. I was married for 20 years to someone who only fitted my personal MR list at about 50%. Whilst I am sure that this did not lead to the happiest marriage of all time, it was successful until illness overcame the commitment we had for each other.

Still, I don’t want to get to get morbid here, I just think that this is a great article and I really hope that people will be helped by some of the great advice in it. Who knows, maybe some of what I have learned from it might even help me.

I’m really not sure about some of the suggestions in the “love yourself” part though, I think that most guys would have trouble with quite a few of the suggstions. The idea is sound enough, I just think that more masculine exercises are needed in my case :~)

Keep up the good work.
Veronic

Nov 18 11, 1:32 pm PDT

149
These are really some of the best life quotes that certain will see around. Precisely what sets these types of and also other very good life quotes in addition to the remainder will be the widespread concept involving looking to increase the risk for globe a much better position. In the end, the meaningful life’s one that’s content, content material possibly at peacefulness.
minahil

Nov 24 11, 1:25 am PDT

150
hiiiiiiiii guys how are you all?did all read my story?
Jhoebust
Nov 25 11, 9:54 pm PDT

151
INSPIRATIONAL! THANKS
minahil

Nov 30 11, 1:40 am PDT

152
hiiii joebust where are you from?
minahil

Dec 01 11, 1:23 am PDT

153
guys dont stop coming here otherwise our friendship would be lost plllllllllllzzz
Veronica

Dec 03 11, 11:03 pm PDT

154
Muchas Gacias! I enjoyed your article and appreciate the opportunity to learn something new.
Mary
Dec 04 11, 7:55 pm PDT

155
Great article! I really envy you!

It seems finding a man is very easy for you. My ex cheated on me terribly. I divorced in 2000, and never be able to find the right man. I used online dating sites to look for a date, but what I got are all troubles. It seems no one is honest and real anymore. They are all liars. Can anyone tell me where to go to find an honest man?
Will

Dec 04 11, 11:13 pm PDT

156
Tina, thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I’ve run across similar mentions in the past about making a list of what you’re looking for, but it never really clicked for me until I read your post. I finally went through the process yesterday, and already it feels like it’s helped.

One of the things I realized as a result was that we (well, I, but I imagine it’s not uncommon) can frequently meet someone who matches several of our Ideal traits, and become attracted and interested, but without realizing that they *fail* some of our Required traits. Then, we’re in this situation where we believe they’re a real potential, but we constantly run into problems, and we can’t understand *why*. We get stuck in this repeating cycle of attraction/hope and disappointment/hurt — believing they could be the right person, then being hurt when they don’t act like it. We’re attracted because clearly they have traits from our Ideal list, but we’re failing because we don’t realize all the traits that they’re lacking from our Required list — often because we didn’t consciously put together that Required list, so we couldn’t properly check against it before letting ourselves become emotionally involved.

So going through the exercise of putting together that Required list, I think, has distinct value in helping us more consciously and successfully filter potential matches, and helping avoid wasting our time and precious energies on ultimately doomed matches.

Btw, I came upon your article while searching for Alison Armstrong information. I’ve been listening to her material recently. It’s immensely underrated.
minahil

Dec 15 11, 1:53 am PDT

157
mary its sad that you have devorced .where does you live?
Rachel
Dec 17 11, 2:28 am PDT

158
Hi Tina, great article! I went through a similar experience, always jumping from one relationship to another for fear of loneliness, I can’t imagine I wasted so many years!! Like you, I suddenly I realised this has to stop and I started to love myself more and focus on self development.

Frankly, I’m not an expressive person and when I tried to share my thoughts with my friends, they don’t seem to get it.

I’m so glad I found this article, it says exactly how I feel and I learned a few tips from you too.

Thank you!
Nina
Dec 22 11, 9:59 am PDT

159
Thank you for this fantastic article; I am in the process of making my MR list now! I wanted to thank you because several of your articles have been really helping me through a difficult time in my life. I check your site every day for more wisdom. Thanks so much.
Brionna
Dec 28 11, 10:38 pm PDT

160
I’m only 15, I know My my age is young and I have a few years before I try to date a settle down, all my friends have boyfriends and/or have had sex. I have never had a boyfriend or have had sex. Sometimes I feel lonely, partially because I’m shy and I have bad skin and I hate my appearance. I believe I will never find love, my skin gets worser and worser, and my hair is falling out, will I ever find love?
Phil
Dec 30 11, 1:21 am PDT

161
Hi Brionna,

After seeing your comment I felt that I should give you a little advice. Firstly, there is a great article on this site about loving yourself that I would recommend you read, I think that it could do a lot of good for you. 15 can be a difficult age and even though I am a dinosaur compared to you, I still remember how high the peer pressure can be. The symptoms you have described are not uncommon for a young person who is feeling under pressure, however, I would still recommend seeing a doctor to be sure that your symptoms are not the sign of something more physical like a vitamin deficiency or something.

This is all tied up with loving and looking after yourself and, once you start to love yourself, you will find that you will start to become more self confident. This in turn has the effect of making you feel and appear to be more attractive to others. One of the keys to life is how you see yourself and it is never too early or too late to “re-invent” yourself.

I was a terribly shy person when I was younger and some people think that I am still a little shy so I guess that I must be a little but I have learned one big lesson over the years and that is that the main difference between an introvert and an extrovert is one big smile. The other thing I have learned is that the more you try to conquer your shyness, the easier it becomes. When I was your age, it took me a lot of effort to even speak to someone that I did not know. Now though, I am confident enough to walk out onto a stage and make a complete fool of myself in front of hundreds of people. (Something that I seem to do on a disturbingly regular basis nowadays.)

One other thing that I remember from when I was your age was that those who boasted about their sexual expoits usually hadn’t actually done anything and the few who had, usually didn’t talk about it. Of course I didn’t know this until much later but I think that it might help you to know that much of what your friends are telling you is probably greatly exagerated.

One last thing I will say is that getting a boyfriend is not usually that difficult at your age but getting a good one can be. The good news is that often the good guys are the ones that have trouble finding the good girls.
Suzanne

Jan 08 12, 3:58 am PDT

162
@Colton,

You sound absolutely wonderful. It’s people like us who get hurt so bad when partners just aren’t deeply interested in the person they’re with. I have a failing business too! And just finished a 2.5 month drinking binge to get over my latest short term fling. Now am starting to come out of it and realise that one of my MRs is the ability of the other to understand and listen to me as well as talk to me. We’re gentle people at heart ; )
Genrih
Jan 14 12, 10:23 am PDT

163
No love.
Forever alone.
Júlia
Jan 26 12, 5:16 pm PDT

164
Hi! I read most of the article, but I have been thinking how the world have been crazy. I refer to people’s behaviour in general, not just regarding romantic relationships. Near my city three building fell apart because the institution responsible on checking the quality of the material weren’t really doing their job. And in work, in the streets, everywhere we go we see more and more people wanting to manipulate others, or just do bad things in order to pursue what they want. Mostly, prestige and money. Well, I am outraged with what I have been seing.
I have love in my life, I have my sister, my family. But also, I grew up with a messed up father. Suming up, I overcame his abuses of violence. I no longer hate him, I’m really free. I am not completely free, actually, cause the fear of getting close to man, stil goes on. He cheats on my mother with no worry of disguising, she did everything for him. He does not talk to his family, she ofered him confort all these years, she insisted on him to go after his dreams… even after ALL he had done. Now, I see how unworthy he is. This just, the fact that I have had much contact with, living in the same house and all, it is hard for me to believe a guy can actually not beat a woman, not cheat, and truly repesct her. I know, there are some reasonable guys out there, I have friends. But when it comes to relationships, all they seek is sex, like you are disposable. That’s why I have 22 years old, have never had a boyfriend and feel safer that way. (If you are curious, I had a lot of flins, my favorite kind of way to relate to a guy, was just seeing them once, makeing out and never seeing again… even if they ask for my phone, or give a tip that they might want to continue something). Is there someone who could give me a different perspective? Different exeperiences, or a little hope?
leeya
Feb 02 12, 5:33 am PDT

165
wow! impressing
Júlia
Feb 02 12, 12:52 pm PDT

166
What is?
D
Feb 07 12, 6:39 pm PDT

167
This all makes sense IF you have guys to choose from. Everyone seems to think I have an amazing social life when in fact there is ZERO going on. I don’t even know of any single men. All couples. None of my friends know of any single guys, either, except for very obvious weirdos — guys with cats who use man purses and have B.O. and erectile dysfunction. Everyone is hooked up. Online, it’s worse. Guys my age looking for 20 year olds. How low do I have to lower my standards? 25 years older? Fat? Accountants? I just can’t.
truth
Feb 18 12, 3:13 pm PDT

168
Here is a fact

there is no pure love in this world ..

I think the love will be experinced properly in heaven .

in this world .. there is love but it is mixed with other bad factors like : greed , ego and to take benefit and that’s it .

can you find a girle or a guy who is willing to devote him/her self to you completly ?

The answer is 1/1000000 … don’t count the zeros .. they are 6
Colby
Mar 09 12, 7:47 am PDT

169
When I was 6, I was in a sever car accident; I lost a little brother, and spent 3 months in the hospital. After that, I found it impossible to love myself. I went through grade school, middle school, and high school, suffering from depression, survivors guilt, and epilepsy. I never did date or party, or do any of the typical teenage things. I was at a breaking point, in 2011, when I went to a support chat, and everything changed. I started talking to a user in the chat, kept that up for several weeks, and eventually moved on to texting, and phone calls. We finally met, the week of Thanksgiving. I took a 48 hour Greyhound bus trip, out to meet a woman whom I had only talked to, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t wait until we start a family.
Anna
Mar 21 12, 5:55 pm PDT

170
I really wish & want to believe that the advice in this article will help me find someone. I’ve dreamt of settling down my whole life.

Interestingly, what I’ve suddenly realized is WHY all of my previous relationships (& friendships) have not worked out. I looked at my MR list and at the top I’d actually written ‘not be someone’s 2nd choice’. In every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve ALWAYS run around after them, put their needs/wants before mine and have given up all my dreams just to avoid being alone. Which I now am.

On the basis of this realization, I have just made 2 decisions:
(1) to join some local classes, on my own, doing something I fancy learning, just for me.
(2) I’m NEVER going to put someone before me again, even if that means being alone for good. (I figure I can’t be any more alone than I currently am, so what do I have to lose?)

I wish you all great success in finding someone who truly wants you and someone you truly want too.
JRA-Member

Mar 28 12, 5:17 pm PDT

171
Been reading many comments here and I found them very interesting.

Never give up on your dreams, never give up on finding the right person to share all the moments of Joy and sadness with. No one is perfect, we all have imperfections. Always look at the positives in people, they do shine through.

I believe there is a right person for someone out there, some of us may have to endure the mountains to find them, but never give up. Everyone deserves to find that happiness. It all starts with us. If you give up it will never happen, but if you try and put aside fear, you may supprise yourself.

Sometimes it takes something as little as faith.

I have been looking to meet someone new, Its nice to meet new people, so I joined a site to do this: http://juicyredapple.com.au (JRA) Even If I succeed in finding friendship. It all counts!

Anyways Good luck everyone. and thanks for the articles, they were enlighting :)
Aha love. lol.
Mar 29 12, 12:29 pm PDT

172
Love. Wow. Love? People still look for that? people still think that can happen. Looka t the way people are. Slimy, fake, hateful, the only reason why they want love is so they can have sex. If love exists, it is for the ones with wealith or beauty. if you are not good- looking, or rich you will not find it. Don’t misjudge me as a nice guy either. Nice guys finish first if they got money or looks. So do bad boys. I tell many that I want love and they all say “oh, yuo don;t need it. Love the people around you. F*** that. I do love the people around me. What’s wrong with wanting love? What wanting love a s a 19-year old and saying I need a girl Makes me some perverted sex pervert F***twat? Dear god -_-. If you don’t like my ranting, I apologize but I’m gonna say what i need to say. I may not be prince Charming but I think I deserve a little bit of love. I’ve always been the one being picked on, I’ve always been the one people are fake too. Is it too much to ask to actually have a girl love me for me and not be told “Oh, you need to love yourself first”. “Oh don’t go for looks just go for personality”. Or all the fake people saying “Oh you’ll find somebody. Everyone does.” “You’ll figure it out, everyone does” It pisses me off really. The author talks about how she went from relationship to relationship when she was in High School. That’s great. I’ve had one peck on the lips my whole entire f***ing life. I can’t even understand half of what people say, because I don’t know s*** about relationships because I’ve never even been in one. I have this thing called Asperger’s which makes it hard for me to even connect with people. I’m this skinny little kid with glasses, acne, red hair, and absolutely no self-confidence. They say you have to love yourself before you can find love. My dad walked out on me when i was 2 years old. I’ve evn started praying to God just because I want a girl so bad. In the Expendables there’s aline that goes “Those who do best with women are the ones who least need it” I’m not gonna lie, it’s true. the weak ones like me don’t find love. yeah i just told you all my life story and I didn’t do it for you. I ddi it because I need to just write on this. hate it, call me a little POS like evryone else. But I’m a little weak boy who wants love. FML.
Isaac Sarayiah

Apr 07 12, 1:24 pm PDT

173
Hi Tina
Thank you for sharing that and I hope you are very well? I don’t necessarily agree with all your points, but some most definitely. I found my True Soul Mate in Oct 07, but disaster was to hit and it almost cost me my life from a broken heart. It led me to create my own blog – http://www.theSarayiahpost.com which is my views on Life, Love and Relationships to help others… In 7 months it is now one of the most read websites in the UK.

Maybe you are your readers may also find it helps them.

Happy Easter.
Love
Isaac Sarayiah
yawer
Apr 10 12, 6:16 am PDT

174
love needs only true path which who select this path luck will with him always and his life partner always loves you in true heart!!!!!!!(smartyaweralwayslovesaarifa)
Chayya

Apr 17 12, 5:32 pm PDT

175
Fantastic piece! I’ve just had to deal with a guy I really really liked – I genuinely thought that he was different – who told me that I was “a kid” (age gap wise) and that he wanted to be close friends after having an emotional relationship to him.
It’s a bit like kidnappers telling you to stay in touch!
I found how much I relate to your Personal Experience part; it felt like I was reading myself on the screen. It’s a rotten rut and it’s so hard to break out of and I’ve reached that same realisation that you did.
Thank you, your piece has given me a bit of hope and more importantly: Find myself, focus on myself and build myself into a strong character.
Thank you :)

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