How to Get Over a Break Up

By Tina Su

Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below.

Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person – what can I do?”

Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”.

Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense.

In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more.

Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own self-improvement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person.

The Origins of Love and Pain

Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends.

Photo: melissa

I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.

Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love. We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as:

A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly.
Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming.
Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group.
Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you.
During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.)

When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain.

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

“When it comes to love,
you need not fall but rather surrender,
surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
before you can absolutely trust another
and most importantly you must accept your flaws
before you can accept the flaws of another.”
~ Philosophy: Falling in Love

My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first.

In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our self-worth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term.

Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely.

By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

7 Tips Getting Over a Break Up

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Letting Go

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

Talking about it with a friend.
Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
Writing in a journal (more on this later).
Exercise and body movement.
Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

“I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.’”
“LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
“The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Here are some recommended books:

Parting Words: Healing from Breakup

“Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
-Tom Stine

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships.

Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it.

No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are un-able to handle it.

For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth – when you do that, nothing is lost.

All is well, and so be it.

** What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

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Other Related Articles You May Like:

External Resources:

Book: The Power of Now
Book: You Can Heal Your Life (Illustrative Edition)
Book: Loving What Is
DVD: You Can Heal Your Life, the movie
Audio CD: Celebrating Love

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246 Responses (227 Comments, 19 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Annie Binns

Jan 29 09, 10:02 am PDT

1
Tina, what a powerful message! It is so important that people GET that love is not a “thing” out there attached to someone else. You don’t have to turn it into some “thing else” when you end a relationship. Thanks for sharing Tom’s wisdom as well! You both have a very similar message (love and truth), delivered in very different ways (down-to-earth and seriously-deep-thoughts). Having both of you in the same post is a treat!!
Maria | Never the Same River Twice

Jan 29 09, 10:16 am PDT

2
Tina, I’ve recently gone through the breakup of an 8 year relationship, so reading this helped me clarify my own issues a bit.

I agree that Loving Yourself is really important, but I think it’s even more important to LET OTHERS LOVE YOU.

Like many people, I have a hard time accepting help or admitting that I’m not strong enough to do something alone, but I’ve really tried to reach out during this time.

As I’ve been talking to friends and family about the end of my relationship, I’ve gotten nothing but love and support. I could never nurture myself to the extent that others have nurtured me recently and it’s helping my recovery tremendously.
Davina

Jan 29 09, 10:56 am PDT

3
Hi Tina. This is a beautiful post. Loving yourself is where it all starts on both ends of a breakup. I’ve been in a relationship for years and am not really “in” it anymore. Coming up with the “right” way to end a relationship is one of the most challenging things for me.
Anthony Parkes

Jan 29 09, 11:32 am PDT

4
Wow – great timing! I just wrote a similar article myself:

How to Get Over a Failed Relationship

Excellent article – I think that working on your self-esteem during the break-up can avoid unnecessary suffering. And yes, time heals everything.

Thanks!
Anthony
Stephen Martile

Jan 29 09, 12:46 pm PDT

5
Ah man, relationships are everything. They really are – whether they are intimate relationships, or business partners or just good’ol relationships with friends.

I was working with a coaching client the other day who has had trouble finding a mate for the past half decade. You know, as we got talking I started to think about the relationship with my wife.

I told her to think of a relationship as a rose. Instead of thinking of what she could get from the relationship, ask herself what she could bring to the relationship.

If you give your best to others, the best will always show up for you.
Corey - Simple Marriage

Jan 29 09, 1:22 pm PDT

6
I like the love yourself idea, although this is often hard, since so many people place too much stock in how others love them before they love themselves. It takes great courage to truly take the steps to love yourself, but it’s so worth it.

Thanks for this Tina!
Jessica @ThriveYourTribe

Jan 29 09, 2:02 pm PDT

7
Your posts always give me such a profound sense of comfort, Tina. I think what I appreciate most is the way that you bring so much of yourself to them–they’re not a collection of tips that everyone else suggests, but rather what works for you. Thank you!

For me, I find that #4 is so crucial. So often, when people end relationships, they seem to need to deny that there is love and ever was love between them, and when I tried to force myself to do that, it made breakups a lot more painful because it was denying what was true for me. It’s nice to see it on your list.
Alex Kay

Jan 29 09, 3:10 pm PDT

8
I just love your perspective on the topic, Tina. I am going to incorporate some of the lessons I learned from this post in my own teachings. So thank you.

In my experience, where most people fail is already at #1. Letting go. In general, people have a hard time letting go simply because they can not accept the fact that it is over.

May all stay well with you!
Alex
Jairo
Jan 29 09, 4:45 pm PDT

9
Hi, Tina.

I had a breakup about two years ago and now I’m feeling good – I realized about some of these tips you give by the force of experiencing pain, then grudge, then catharsis and finally peace. Now I remember the wonderful moments in the past, with that person: we loved ourselves – it was like heaven. So I now keep nice memories of that, and I don’t feel it was lost time.

However, prior to this peaceful state I spent a large time period denying my love to myself and to other people. The former relationship ended up with misunderstanding, mistrust and a feeling of betrayal. I received also hard and poisoned words from the other person, just to try keeping me away…

So, thank you for this post. It will help to chase the ghosts of my past. It will lead me to believe in love again.
Nathalie Lussier

Jan 29 09, 6:49 pm PDT

10
Breakups affect us all differently. I think being able to “resolve” things is really important. Without forgiveness, we are doomed to keep repeating these events in our mind.

I love how you share with us your most effective tips. They’re really spot on!
Vincent

Jan 29 09, 7:55 pm PDT

11
Hi Tina,

Such coincidence! I picked up the the book “7 habits of Highly Effective Teens” during my first break up.

Letting go is definitely an important step to take before we can start mending our broken heart. I agree with you that there is no point thinking about getting back into a relationship if it had ended before because there is already flaws in it and getting back doesn’t mean it will last again. My personal experience stand for it too.

Thanks for the article and it do have great points for helping people to get back on their feet after a failed relationship.

Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
J.D. Meier

Jan 29 09, 10:51 pm PDT

12
Love yourself first is a great foundation.

I once found either an article or a book that wrote about the cycle and stages of love. It was eye opening to see how the pattern works. It was also a bit disheartening because the picture it painted didn’t match my expectations.

In the end though I realized that regardless of whether these were named stages, you’re always the most significant meaning maker in your life, and your experience is always what you make of it.
dp
Jan 30 09, 12:34 am PDT

13
amazing post…i find it incredibly valuable, and fitting for all kinds of relationships. i am going through an incredibly complex breakup involving my life and biz partner, and this piece has me reevaluating my approach. thank you tina, very wise, very kind, and loving advice.
Prinks
Jan 30 09, 1:13 am PDT

14
Its difficult…but possible…Just u have to be a bit selfish after the breakup..Try and do the things which makes u happy….Music best heal…And anyways whatever happens,happens for good….So the one who is not wid u was nvr meant for u…Talk to me,I have several better tips. ;)
zestycook

Jan 30 09, 3:45 am PDT

15
Tina, well written article and I cannot agree with you more about loving yourself first! I enjoyed reading this article. Thanks so much.

zesty
Arswino

Jan 30 09, 3:52 am PDT

16
Hi Tina, I am always impressed with your writing. How did you get all the knowledge?
In this article, I like the idea of letting go and loving yourself, because they are all about surrender yourself and accept yourself the way you are. I think it is not easy to do all of these.
Thanks for sharing Tina.
Terry Taylor
Jan 30 09, 4:08 am PDT

17
Let me start by saying THANK YOU. I never cease being amazed at how the Universe brings me what I need, shows me what will be helpful, in times of need (if I am open enough to accept the gift).

You write incredibly well, and your insight and philosophy is very much in keeping with my own, and my path.

Your latest entry on the pain of emtional break ups really “hit the spot” for me. I’ve been going through a break up of sorts with a friend. Not a lover, but the truths/advice are nonetheless applicable. As I was reading your article, particularly the advice about mirror-work, I kept thinking about Louise Haye, someone who’s teachings I have been working with for 20 years. Then I saw what I consider to be a core text for me, “You Can Heal Your Life”, listed at the end. Such a small text, but one that has had a huge impact on my life. I guess big things do come in small packages.

Thank you for your insights. I am a new reader to your site, but I will keep coming back.

Namaste.

Terry Taylor
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canada.
Raj
Jan 30 09, 4:26 am PDT

18
I experienced love for the first time when I met a girl in my office.She used to talk with me and even i liked her company.But she has a boyfriend.It was just a one sided love ,but i can’t help loving her.I am totaly heart broken and shattered.Please advice how to return back to normal life.
Andrea|Empowered Soul

Jan 30 09, 7:41 am PDT

19
Tina, this is a fabulous article. I think it’s so important that we recognize love is always available, whether we are in a relationship or not. It’s an infinitely abundant energy stream that we invite another person to share when we go into relationship. And it’s just as abundant when we step out of that relationship.

Great stuff!
Andrea
Rosabel

Jan 30 09, 8:45 am PDT

20
Tina, thank you for writing this fantastic post. I love your definition of love. I do agree with you that we need to give us time to accept the reality of broken up and learning to let go of our pain of losing someone dearly in our life.

I remembered my friend told me when I first experienced a break up, “Enjoy the process.”. I did not understand her that time. After going through the process of healing. I have grown so much and become stronger. I’ve learned so much and I really enjoyed the process that brought me who I am today.
Erjola

Jan 30 09, 11:18 am PDT

21
Hi Tina, You posts are amazing, I read and read them and every time looks like first time .
How did you get all the knowledge?

Thanks Tina.
Barbara LeFleur
Jan 30 09, 11:55 am PDT

22
This was simply an outstanding article, so appropriate, and so true. I would that all people would learn the contents by heart and practice them faithfully every day. Our world would become a paradise in less time that it would take me to say, “Yes we can!”

Thank you so much for writing it
Tina Su

Jan 30 09, 12:33 pm PDT

23
Thank you to everyone who’s commented. It makes me really happy that you’ve connected with the article. This was a personal article for me, and one that I’ve been pondering on for several months. And I finally sat down to write this this Tuesday. I deeply enjoyed the experience… it sort of just flowed out.. and all I did was type it out on the computer. :)

@Erjola

I wouldn’t call it knowledge as knowingness we are all aware of deep within each of us. Most of what I wrote about where from personal experiences, some from my studying on relationships (notable with Alison Armstrong), and some from my reading on the human ego (Eckhart Tolle and other authors I’ve listed in recommended reading).

Thanks for asking. :)

@Raj

Please read the article in full. It contains the answer you are seeking. Also, I highly recommend “The Power of Now” book if you haven’t read it.

Warmly,
Tina
Jenna
Jan 30 09, 1:17 pm PDT

24
thanks so much this is 100 percent true and exactly what i needed right now!

thanks a million
Steve L
Jan 30 09, 5:15 pm PDT

25
Tina,

Thank you so much for the insights. I seriously thank God every time I read this blog. Have you considered writing a book?
Dancing BAG Lady

Jan 30 09, 5:27 pm PDT

26
This type of love is so natural. We repell the natural and want to make things so complicated.
Asianmommy

Jan 30 09, 5:55 pm PDT

27
It’s so true–that bit about loving yourself first. Only you can complete you.
Davidya

Jan 30 09, 7:57 pm PDT

28
Hi Tina
Tom mentioned your article so I came to take a look. Wow- you really got it. Love is. When my marriage broke up, I learned I couldn’t not continue to love her. What I did is ‘generalized’ it a bit, making it less about the person and more about what she’d been for me.

Great advice but self love I had a lot more trouble with. What I found worked for me was gratitude. Reminding myself a few times a day to be grateful for something else. This cultured a better ‘tone’ and space into which periods of forgiveness arose. I was able to let go of holdings in all the relationships in my life. Under that I came to a place where I could forgive myself. Then I could see that there was nothing to forgive.

After peeling some layers to the ‘onion’, a deeper value of the heart was revealed. I was able to clear the ‘crust’ on that as well. That’s when what I call Big L Love begins to dawn. The real, unconditional, unlimited love. The love that infuses and handles everything.

Thank you for helping people down the true journey to love.
Robinoz

Jan 30 09, 10:33 pm PDT

29
This is an excellent article. I’m going to put a link to it on my new Alice Springs Friends site.

Robin
Jackie
Jan 30 09, 10:41 pm PDT

30
Now you can do what we all do; watch pr0n :D
Thor
Jan 30 09, 11:08 pm PDT

31
Lame. Fucking lame touchy-feely, new-age bullshit. Breakups are devastating, and the only thing that will make you feel better is time.
Chris Loft

Jan 30 09, 11:10 pm PDT

32
Hey thanks. I think I got something from that. Once I thought that someone had broken my heart. They hadn’t – I had broken it myself. But when I looked deeper, I found that my heart was much bigger and stronger that I thought it was. Now I’m just sad.
Thanks, there were some interesting things in your article that I can relate to.
Chris
Will
Jan 30 09, 11:18 pm PDT

33
For me, the thing that finally helped me let go was understanding the origins of the emotion, on a psychological and chemical level. I centered on the question, “Why do you love [x]?” For many, this question is difficult to answer. But it became a question I could answer: one loves another only because of the derived benefits (company, feeling special, favors, etc).

I felt used. I hurt from knowing that I really wasn’t a special person to my ex-lover, but only useful to her for a duration. However, it was a triumph. I knew I would never be able to love someone again. I would never feel the pain of heartbreak again.

And so I moved on to find ways to make myself happy. I achieved more than I ever could deriving happiness from a significant other. My future never looked more promising, and it’s a future without love.
Richard Marks, MA

Jan 31 09, 12:10 am PDT

34
Aloha Tina,

Thank you Tina for your insightful and compassionate article on the art of letting go. I have been practicing many of the things you suggest in your article with my wife of 7 years who has informed me that she wants to move on from our marriage.

My mantra with her is:

“I will love you with all my heart no matter what you choose to do”

I have been applying those words to myself as I look in the mirror as well. I have been spraying myself with rose water before I go to sleep, and applying fragrant oils to my feet…I have been falling asleep embracing my head and heart, and my last waking words are “I love you Richard”.

I have also been taking myself out on dates to places that feed and nourish my artistic and creative soul. Katie’s 1000 Names for Joy is my everyday companion as well as the Illuminated Rumi. A friend of mine gifted me with a very sweet book that I never heard of before entitled The Rest Of Your Life- Finding Repose in the Beloved. It is all about connecting with the Beloved One (that we all are).

In closing I’d like to share that one thing that has been incredibly healing for me is working weekly with a breath therapist. It is so easy to forget to breathe deeply when one confronts loss or pain. I find that when I buffer the pain by shallow breath I lose my connection to my heart, my vital essential energy, my feelings and my spirit.

Thank you so very much for the great gift of your article! I am bookmarking it now so I can re read it to remind myself I am on the right track. Your remedy when practiced works miracles and I am loving mySelf and my precious departing wife with my whole heart and soul and wishing her happiness and blessings as she steps out onto her new life path.

with a warm wave of aloha to you~~~

Richard Marks, MA
Ken
Jan 31 09, 12:20 am PDT

35
The timing of this is perfect for me. My own insecurities are at the root of many of my relationship issues. I don’t expect an answer to this, but maybe it will be cathartic to ask: If, after 35 years of looking, the person who has recently left your life is the only one you’ve ever met that encapsulated traits you’ve desired greatly, never before seen, and had given up hope in finding, what do you do? Personal consolation has its limits and the resulting sorrow seems limitless in its affect and span.
Chase

Jan 31 09, 12:23 am PDT

36
Wow…I really disagree with this article and after reading it in its entirety, plus reading every comment before mine, I’m apparently the only one who feels this way. You make love sound like such a selfish thing, something that is never shared, only kept inside yourself. Contrary to your article, love IS given, and when love is also returned, the combined loves create a new entity, an entity that is more than the sum of it’s parts. The way you write about it, as long as I love myself, I can interchange who I’m with at any given time and still be the same. But you can’t be the same. Every couple has their own unique bond. Like snowflakes, each is different, yet all are beautiful. To replace a partner and expect that snowflake to be the same is ludicrous. These unique bonds are what make breakups so hard. After a breakup, that bond vanishes and the energy you put into creating and maintaining that bond has left you feeling empty. There are a multitude of factors in the amount of time it takes to replenish that energy, but when you are full again, you will again be able to convert that energy into love and give it to another.
KLK
Jan 31 09, 12:30 am PDT

37
Great call on the Power of Now – it transformed my life. Get the audiobook and listen to the first 3-4 chapters on repeat, it’s all you need.
Surly McSorly
Jan 31 09, 1:20 am PDT

38
I really enjoyed this read. I think it could of helped me once or twice. Reading it made me look back at a hard break up and compare what I did to what you suggest. I found that I did a lot of those things… eventually and the hard way.

I agree that relationships are a circle. But can you step outside that circle?

In my life and experience I’ve decided that that flight – oh so high – in the sky is not worth the fall down. I’ve worked very hard staying out of that circle and I have been happily alone for two years. Recently, a hint of a relationship started and I felt sick. Even lost sleep when I realized it was a true possibility.

Tina – Do you think you can completely remove yourself from that circle?
(And I do love myself. That’s why I’m happy.)
How to earn money

Jan 31 09, 3:55 am PDT

39
What an amazing article! Congrats on writing such a classic post.
Farzad
Jan 31 09, 4:35 am PDT

40
Hey Tina,

although I am in the peaceful and good state already, I bookmarked this article so I can send it to my friends in the future should they need it (and I know the time will come). Thanks!

I’d like to add something: There is a brilliant movie that had a surprisingly soothing effect on me right after my last and at that time really painful) breakup.

It’s called “Me and You and Everyone We Know”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0415978/
everyone should watch it.
Jhn Woods
Jan 31 09, 5:06 am PDT

41
Just get over it, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

RT
Tom Delorean
Jan 31 09, 5:23 am PDT

42
You can love yourself all you want, but if you’re a loser, other people will still see you that way. Life is unfair. Some people just have really bad DNA or permanently messed-up personalities. That is reality.

Attempting to frame your emotional life with cliches and self-help psychobabble is a form of self-deception. Human sexual relationships are fundamentally driven by genetically-imprinted mating impulses. Over millenia the concept of ‘love’ has become loaded with expectation through human civilization’s incessant compulsion to make existence seem more consequential and our behavior less ‘savage’.

I admire your effort and genuinity, but in the kindest possible way I suggest that you re-examine your fundamental beliefs and assumptions on this topic before dishing out more advice for others.
Emotional Freedom

Jan 31 09, 5:50 am PDT

43
thanks so much this is 100 percent true and exactly what i needed right now!
Dearly Yours

Jan 31 09, 7:45 am PDT

44
Very insightful. Very true. Lost love is like a death. We must be good to ourselves, because at the end of the day, we are our own best friends.
Serj
Jan 31 09, 10:04 am PDT

45
if any of you find true love, give me a call. cause I still haven’t found it
Austin Hook
Jan 31 09, 10:31 am PDT

46
The ideas presented here about dealing with lost love are quite good. I have a challenge: what advice can you tell someone before experiencing a first major romance to help their resilience later if necessary, without taking away from the beauty of the original experience.

It’s so hard to conceive what you might have to deal with before those feelings first arise most any advice would hardly make sense.

Most of us tell our kids the facts of life fairly early these days, but few of us are able to convey, without being disbelieved, the true facts of romance. And it is probably the facts of romance that are more important.

I presume that the approach, and the age, might have to be a bit different for boys and girls.
seth d.
Jan 31 09, 7:55 pm PDT

47
I’ve loved the same woman for 42yrs. We have never been married. Nor have we slept together. We are married to others. I will never get over her and she is the only woman I have ever really loved. I even ran into her a few months ago and know the love is still there. But life does go on and things can always be worse. God has a plan and one day it will be clear to all of us. Sometimes when I an down in the dumps over her, I am reminded of a quote on Star Trek by Spock. It goes”sometimes having isnt necessarily quite as pleasing as wanting”
vikram parmar

Jan 31 09, 9:26 pm PDT

48
thanks a ton…
it may help a lot.
Bill
Feb 01 09, 12:30 am PDT

49
I can 100% endorse this article because it is exactly, 100%, how I got over my ex-gf. I was on the “receiving end.”
Nahid

Feb 01 09, 12:48 pm PDT

50
Wow! this conveys such a powerful message. I was really inspired.

Not only great content but beautifully done as well with pictures, suggestions, quotations and instructions.
Anthony
Feb 02 09, 12:49 am PDT

51
Hello! I am 48 years old and I just “came out” on September 13, 2008. I had a breaking point in my life and saw everyone else living their lives and loving and breaking up and all that goes with it that I wanted to be apart of all that drama of LIFE. I did not allow myself to act on my homosexual tendencies because I listened to Religion and Society and I thought that it was wrong.

But the day I had my breaking point, I screamed out loud to God and said okay I surrender! I will be what you want me to be. And I fell to my hands and knees and a pair of arms reached down and placed a crown upon my head a voice spoke to me and said, “Well done.” “This is my gift to you. It’s always been here for you. This is what I want for you to have. This is what you have to do. This is your purpose. Now that you have accepted it. Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Love it. Learn it. And use it.”
In a moment all that was burdening me and making me feel heavy and low was now all gone.
The struggle was over and my journey can now go forward.

“With this gift you will gain knowledge. Wisdom is yours. Many gifts and talents will be given to you, soon. But first, know your gift. Understand that this is from me and that I love you. And chose you above all to be with me and spend all eternity with me.”

8 days later I found myself loving me and accepting me. There is nothing wrong with me at all. I am alive and capable of loving another human being. I can now go out and do the Lord’s will. With this I got my calling. And now I am abiding in the call that was given me. He made me a counselor, teacher, guide, and a warrior of Truth.
He said: ” You will meet people along the way who are just like you. You are not alone. I am with you always. You will meet fellow servants and will share and encourage each other and love each other and know that you are part of me.”

Today is February 2, 2009 and I am on my second relationship and all that was mentioned in this article was given to me in the first relationship. When it ended, I was crushed, but almost instinctively I knew inside what to do. It was difficult in the very beginning, but time heals all wounds. I found the life lessons in that first relationships and learned and now I must go forward. I still love him. Because I forgave him sincerely with all of my heart. He was “my” teacher. And I am glad for that. I know now what to look out for and what I don’t want to happen to me.

My second relationship came one day and a half after the first one broke. Yes. That fast. Well, he had met me and wanted to go out with me, but I told him that I was involved with someone else right now and I couldn’t do that to him or myself. He understood. He gave me his number and said, “Call me please. If it doesn’t work out call me and let’s see what happens.” 2 days later I made that call. We had our first date and it’s been over a month now since we began and we are still going strong. NOTE: I had known of him through my place of business and I thought how cute he was and only fantasized about being with him. Some fantasize do come true!
Mona

Feb 02 09, 12:42 pm PDT

52
wow, fabulous article! so true…thanks for sharing (:
Uzma
Feb 05 09, 12:52 pm PDT

53
Gorgeous. . Your article is just beautiful. And indeed, as it is said ,’ love is lost’, only its love one has for the self.

It is somehow the best way to grow personally and uncover limiting beliefs. The best way is to do things that you love, with yourself. Walks, movies, poems, roses, balloons, for yourself.

Complete acceptance does lead to complete love. And love always attracts love.

God bless and love and beauty always
Tony

Feb 08 09, 7:14 am PDT

54
The idea of loving your ex-partner is..good (I think). We all tend to hold grudges, especially when the break up is bad, but when we do, it poisons us inside. It takes time, but when it happens, everything just gets better.

Love your post.
Miona
Feb 18 09, 4:58 pm PDT

55
Thanks for this article, it gave me comfort. My boyfriend broke up with me only today. I’m still kind of numb, but I anticipate a dark, pain-filled period ahead and this gave me hope.
Frank Wong

Feb 22 09, 5:39 am PDT

56
Hi Tina,

Just like old man said, what you already have/own today is only for temporary, should be gone someday. We do not know that we are the one who gone away first or the one that we love.

Overall, everytime I read your post I feel energized or get new ideas on it. Thanks to you.
Thom

Mar 06 09, 8:12 am PDT

57
Fantastic, well written! I came across a short little story that helped with the “letting go” part.

http://www.vijayforvictory.com/2007/08/put-the-glass-down/

Sometimes we over complicate things and forget that its just that simple.

I also like the analysis you give of “why do i feel…how…and why does that affect me?”
warcraft gold

Mar 11 09, 3:58 am PDT

58
Great article. For sure this would help brokenhearted fellas, but I would like cite that the most important thing is acceptance.
Aldrin
Mar 11 09, 4:04 am PDT

59
Great article. What is your zodiac sign, are you Pisces? You seem sensitive.

For sure this would help brokenhearted fellas, but I would like cite that the most important thing is acceptance. Losing partner has never been easy just like grinding warcraft gold or playing any video games, which gives you a hard time.
Vrishali
Mar 15 09, 9:25 pm PDT

60
I like the way you said it is the love that we have within ourselves and nobody is giving anything to anybody. It is all about you. as always been.
I had realized this whole part and is still sitting in my journal, I felt like you just copied my thoughts. then, I am thinking maybe I can also start blogging as I have got plenty of other things in my journal which can help people. But I am not too confident on how it can be part of my income like it is yours.
Meg
Mar 25 09, 8:24 pm PDT

61
This article is related to a few posts I read on postsecret. A lot of those posts have to deal with relationships and heartbreak. I think this is a good article and I like that the writer is saying that people have to learn how to let go and love themselves. I believe that is important for both getting into a relationship or learning how to let go of one. Everyone has gone through a break-up at one time or another and I think it’s important that people try to move on in a healthy way.
Flavia
Apr 01 09, 3:35 am PDT

62
I do not know if I am the best person to comment on this topic, I have broken up with my ex about a month, it was a nasty event resulting in the police being involved. I have finished hating him, but now I am at a stage of remembering how much I loved him for the good times and the good things in him, it is his birthday first approaching and it hurts like a million, trillion stabbings. I guess I reached the stage of loving someone with all your heart evenif they are not with them. I do not know if our paths will ver cross gain, but the pain will go right???
Amanda
Apr 20 09, 4:20 am PDT

63
I know this article would be useful to me someday. It will be really useful now.
Vibz
Jul 22 09, 5:14 pm PDT

64
Thank you so much for this ……….
canali
Oct 05 09, 3:50 pm PDT

65
Re: ”love your partner”…at best idealistic and dangerous too…what is your ex was a narcissist….or a very abusive person? best to see things as they are and move on with total NC.
Rajiv
Oct 21 09, 8:54 pm PDT

66
The first part is fantastic. The second part, 7 ways, is theory. I find it is very unrealistic to keep loving someone who has dumped you, specially if it has been done bit rudely or after using the relationship for some time or for some other self fish reason. The tips are also very weak. My keep loving or admiring the Ex one only ends up sticking more to the pain unless one is spiritually very matured or goes into spritual path intensly. Same goes for writing a journal

My ex was someone else”s ex. She met me when she was goes through her parting pain. Soon we became beloveds and in her words I was able to reset her. It continued for a year and we went on dates regularly. Then when she was emotionally stable she started looking around. Even started telling me that we dont have the level of chemistry that her previous Ex had and so on. Finally she asked me if we can just be good friends. When I went into pain, she stopped answering my mails and finally calls on the pretext that she is very busy and will catch up later. In the mean time she started calling our other friends regularly to prove god knows what.

One point that you have not touched is the hurt on ego. To be walked over hits so bloody hard on ego, specially to matured men that
at times one feels like taking revenge by pranks. One feels rejected and remains gloomy or worthless. This further shows up on face and you cant attract any new relation as the humour and cherrfulness is missing.

I would need a more effective way. I think one of the trick is to find someone new if one is lucky.

Kindly advice me as I am going through this very intensly and it is affecting my performance at work and my health.
kayla back
Dec 04 09, 5:18 am PDT

67
HI, well im 18 years old an i have fallin in love with this girl named krissy and she has been cheating on me for three weeks now, with this dude that she use to date. but see krissy an I have been together for 3 years an its so hard for me to get over her. I have read all your things an im still feelin kinda down, love hurts.. See im good at helping people with there problems but im not so good with my own. but thank you so much.
Coco
Dec 14 09, 6:05 pm PDT

68
Thank you for these lovely words. Reading this allowed me to feel as if I could take a breath again… and continue on.
Marky G
Jan 11 10, 11:54 am PDT

69
I lost my best friend and the love of my life, the love you have for yourself is not the same as the love you have for another person, the other person is far more important and deserves to be loved. But when they break your heart after you have given so much, it is hard to forgive, i hope in time i will be able to do just this, love hurts, the truth is that people are less tolerant and fail to grow in the relationship and give support to eachother, otherwise you go through life relationship after relationship. Sure there are some bad relationships out there, but sometimes people give up before giving time. To my Coco, i hope you find what you are looking for and that it makes you happy because i miss you and loved you more than you will ever know.
tracy pillinger
Jan 19 10, 3:46 am PDT

70
this is just totally amazing…it really is simple thinking but makes so much sense..i felt better instantly
craig
Jan 21 10, 9:12 pm PDT

71
The article was very reflective and gave some good pointers on how to deal with the break up and all the bad stuff that goes with it. I really thank God for the internet so someone going through the heart-ache can get some simple yet effective strategies to cope, especially just after the bomb dropped. It took me a few days before I could think clear enough after my breakup before I had the sense to “google” all this stuff. There are also some very helpful stuff on youtube that are priceless…just search for “how to cope with a break up?”
I wish I had found all this stuff the day it happened, especially the stuff which gives you clear directions on what NOT to do after the breakup, which we all do; like begging, losing your self respect, texting them a hundred times, etc. It just makes it worst and drives them further away. If you wanting to get them back one thing that we all need to do is STOP any contact with them. I wont go into why here, plenty of stuff about this on the NET. If you do this and you are meant to be together, they will contact you…but DON’T be needy when they do. Sound like you are O.K. (even if you are not) and make the conversation upbeat and positive and DON’T ask for a follow up call. Another thing I want to say thats helping me get through is finding a life lesson from the bad experience…what did I do wrong?…could I have been better? etc. Write it down. Trust me, you may have lost this one but you may just save the next one, which may be the real one. DON’T do what I have done and many others have done and make the same stupid and selfish mistakes over and over. And I tell you what I also learnt…the grass is NOT greener on the other side…it may seem that way but 99% of the time its not. Cherish the one you are with, accept them with all their positives and negatives and live in the NOW…don’t be too worried about the past or the future…if you are happy with your loved one NOW then rejoice and be thankful…there’s no other precious gift that’s so valuable.
Shat
Feb 12 10, 2:46 pm PDT

72
You know i never felt much better but hey dont forget music has the power too…..
Shovon Kumar Pramanik
Feb 22 10, 1:58 am PDT

73
hi,

I am a computer professional and I am 26 years old…I had a girlfriend and our relationships continued for last 5 years.In the year 2010….she is admitted as a medical college student.She is very beautiful.Meanwihile I have lost bulk of my hair…so i dont look smart as before….Moreover she wants a doctor to marry…..so she breaks up with me…..although I requested her not to play with me.But she left me alone….the last one month I feel tremendous pain…..but now I am feeling easy……………The above articles give me lot of courage to live my life again…..
caralluma fimbriata

Feb 23 10, 1:01 am PDT

74
I wish I had found all this stuff the day it happened, especially the stuff which gives you clear directions on what NOT to do after the breakup, which we all do; like begging, losing your self respect, texting them a hundred times, etc. It just makes it worst and drives them further away. If you wanting to get them back one thing that we all need to do is STOP any contact with them.
Chloe
Feb 28 10, 6:05 pm PDT

75
Hi Tina, can you write a post on how to rebuild self confidence and self esteem/self worth after a break up?
mary12
Mar 10 10, 10:48 am PDT

76
i’ve done a lot of writing in my journal after having recently cut off contact with a boyfriend. i hope the following realization will help even one other person think about things in a more positive way:
i think what’s really going to help me through this is thinking in terms of energy. i had become used to putting so much time and energy and thought into maintaining a relationship. with that person now gone and having the the relationship vanish, i am left with this energy that i don’t know what to do with. i’m reminded of how i think that everyone has a certain level of stress that suits them. here, my constant has been altered. there are different ways i can invest the energy that is no longer going towards one area of my life–i guess it’s just about making sure i channel it into the best activities and choices, so i can start making those more of a part of my life while i’m making this adjustment. that’s all it is really–an adjustment.

note: i don’t mean to trivialize breaking up. i’ll be the first to admit it’s not easy, but a shift in perspective is worth considering.
andrew franko
May 12 10, 6:19 am PDT

77
i just got dumped cause my gf thought i was dateing another girl when i wasent ;( im so heart broken i want to kill myself so bad;(
tweetie
Jun 04 10, 11:59 pm PDT

78
Thank you for your inspiring article. It has helped me so much through my break up. I read it every morning and night and it helps keep me strong.Thank you,,

I am beginning to start my journey of self healing, to love myself more and to forgive and love him instead of hold built up resentment and guilt.

I feel so relieved like a big stormy cloud has just been lifted from me. I know i will learn from this break up and it will turn me into a wiser more mature person and set me up for my next relationship.

Thank you once again for helping me. =)
Lani
Jun 08 10, 8:55 pm PDT

79
My name is Lani, i just broke up with my bf of 3 years. we both have been so much in life and yesterday he just told me that he is unhappy because he is not giving me what i want in life. what i wanted was him only. i am deeply inlove with this guy and when he said that to me i felt like killing myself because i was hurt and felt like nothing at all. i could not go to sleep at night because i don’t feel anything, its freezing cold but even that i can’t feel it because that’s how devastated i was. i dealt with break ups before but when this happend i could not deal with it myself. he was my life and everything to me. i don’t feel tired eventhogh i havnt had a sleep and im having my xcam tomorrow for social welfare and im not ready.
after reading this it helps me alot to move on eventhogh it will take heaps of time to heal but il try my best.

thank you so much for this great add.
alex
Jun 14 10, 5:34 am PDT

80
Ive recently experienced a painful break up.
Not only the break up but the relationship was filled with pain,confusion,hurt, my essence was changed (i submitted and allowed so much darkness)

I am a 27 year old male living in the caribbean with a spanish background.

I meet Angela during the final rocky point in my marriage,she knew i was married however we found satisfaction in one another leading to physical relations the first night we went out(2 days after we meet)I now realise she just wanted to sleep with me and well me I just wanted comfort.There was something really exotic in her very sexuall that overwhelmed me,she also developed an interest in me that flattered my soul,lifted me up(Angela is a colombian entrepenur desired by most men all over the world,proven through our travels)

This was all such a rush for me,i pushed for my seperation without focusing on why she was even attracted to me.
Angela pushed for me to move in with her explaining that she wanted me close to her(she was very lonely), i resisted at first explaining that we should give it time however she tested my commitment and interest in her,i gave in.

We had a tremendous amount of amazing sex,i believe this confused us both.After a short period of time(days after moving in) i realised that i missed and felt extremely guilty for pushing away my wife, i cried in private knowing Angela would not understand, she had already started to bash my ex’s especially my wife.

We spent alot of time together, lunches every day,nites out and as effective as this time spent togther should have been at connecting i realised really early that i was understanding her but she was ignoring my self truth,she told me of a painful childhood filled with sexual abuse from an early age..not sure if it was true however my heart reached out to her, i wanted to protect her,care for her.

After a short period of time i learnt of her past which she has an obbsession with, speaking of a gentleman she dated for many years she was 16 when they meet he was 35,he took her from Colombia to a new world of riches,sex,infidelity and physical abuse.She called him papi.

A few weeks after moving in with her having already dealt with obsessive x’s (as she called them) sending vulgar text’s (she always defened their actions as reckless and painful to me as i explained them to be )and her papi apparently calling all the time and according to her wanting her back, I had two friends over hoping we would all hang out and she would see a bit into me…she spent this time in her room and would not even consider spending this time together….rather than that she told me she was going out with a friend,i accepted this and she left,3am came around and no Angela ..i called her mobile several times and no answer..she eventually called me at 4oclock am explaining she was by a freinds house and that she wanted to sleep there I said no and demanded she come home after all i was not going to sleep alone in a home that she begged me to move in to.When she got home i asked what happened,where was she….she lied to me (I couldnt believe it) i picked up on the lie and demanded the truth, she explained that she had visited her papi’s house because he was claiming to be sick and felt so guilty afterwards that she didnt want to come home spending this time at her friends place.

I tried to understand her lying to myslef that she would not ignore my feelings and be so selfish.

This pushed me to think of my wife….this experience leads on to alot of pain and if you would like to hear it all please email me at alex.mejia@candw.ky, I am simply seeking strong and wise words as my soul at this point feels almost owned by someone else.
David
Jun 14 10, 2:00 pm PDT

81
@Alex
Note that she goes on about your “obsessive ex’s” yet is clearly obsessed with her own ex. This points to little self-awareness, lots of blame and avoidance, and nothing there to be aware of your needs.

You might want to consider there is 2 things at play here. You have a wounded heart, regret, and so forth. But by some of things you say, you probably also have an energetic connection with her. This happens naturally when we have sex with people. But some are what Judith Orloff calls Energy Vampires. They rob our energy to feed their own dramas and catch us up in the dramas. We might say a walking time bomb in a nice package.

The best thing you can do is disengage from her. Don’t let her draw you back in or let her charms fool you. She may offer great sex but the rest of it sounds like a mess. Give yourself some time for yourself. Behind the noise and drama, you have your original relationship to heal. That’s not going to happen in someone elses drama. Especially if they’re taking your energy for themselves.

With some healing, you’ll have clarity and can then make better choices.
joe blessing

Jun 19 10, 9:57 pm PDT

82
Why do people always suggest this self-sacrificing crap as a way to get over a break-up. The Universe does not make mistakes? You learned all you could from each other? Nonsense. Firstly, people make mistakes all the time, and there are quite a number of breakups and divorces that happen because the person leaving is making a mistake in leaving someone that loves them in the hope that there’s greener grass elsewhere. Its got nothing to do with the Universe. Is it that difficult to, I don’t know, be committed. That’s what real love is about. Maybe you don’t feel connected at a certain time, but so what. You stay anyway and work it out, not be lazy and leave.

I got left after 7yrs, and every sign that we were an excellent match. But she walked away. Why do I have to love her at my own expense? Why should I sit here and wish her all this happiness even if its at my emotional expense? I never hear people saying the opposite. I.E. tell the person that wants to leave to stay in relationship if they love someone. If you love them, you’ll want them to be happy even without you??? How about if you love them, you’ll find a way to recapture the connection you had. Let them love at their own expense. get what I’m saying.

Assuming a couple were compatible, like me and my ex, then there is no valid reason short of cheating, abuse, or serious change in underlying values and personality to break-up. You’re supposed to work through it. Those that dont, usually just refuse to do so, and in my mind are selfish people.
David
Jun 20 10, 3:03 pm PDT

83
@Joe
I’ve been left a couple of times. And while it’s true it may be a cop-out as they’re unwilling to deal with something, the fact that they left indicates they didn’t find the relationship as fulfilling or “compatible” as you did. If you assume your partner experiences everything just like you do, you’ll continue to not meet them in the middle and get blindsided when they bail.

Relationships take a lot of work. They also take a willingness from both sides to meet in the middle. If you put it all on them, you’ll miss what you brought to the table in this. Maybe it was as simple as you not being able to meet some need of theirs that grew with it’s unfulfillment. For example, some people like more security, others like lots of variety. They may be happy with security at first but soon find it stifling. It’s not that preferring security is wrong but it won’t be satisfying for the other.

You wont learn anything if you simply blame them or yourself. If you do learn, the next relationship will be better. If you don’t, you’ll just have the same experience again.

The idea with forgiveness is not that its at your expense. Your holding blame against them is what’s at your expense. That takes a lot of energy. The idea is let that go so you become ready for another, better relationship.
joe blessing

Jun 20 10, 6:50 pm PDT

84
No, need. The only thing that would have my relationship better is someone that did not leave me. And that can’t be guaranteed. Hell, if it was possible it would not have happened this time. I’ll just stay away from relationships. I can’t get what I want–a guarantee–so it best to leave alone.
David
Jun 20 10, 10:19 pm PDT

85
Joe – There’s only one guarantee – death. (although curiously that’s an illusion) So your best bet is to have as much fun with life while it’s happening as you can. Tomorrow will always change. Maybe better. Maybe worse. But if you’re choosing to enjoy as much as you can, you’ll be more satisfied more of the time, whatever happens.

Flip side, if you spend your life avoiding pain, you’ll just get more of it. What we resist persists. Don’t look for other people to make or keep you happy – you’ll always be disappointed. You’ll find the most happiness in giving. If they choose to stop wanting to receive, look for someone else that wants it. Keep the flow going.

And if you really want a guarantee, there is another secret one. The one you give yourself ;-)
abby
Jun 28 10, 1:25 am PDT

86
my boyfriend for four and a half years broke up with me because of the reasons that wasn’t able to give him enough of my time and attention, and now he admits that he is falling for someone new, its really hard for me, i hope you guys can give me advice on this one,,i really need it badly, it seems like im slowly ding.. please help me,, thanks
Andrew
Jun 28 10, 6:47 am PDT

87
This article helped me so much. It was a great aid in starting my healing process. I recommend it to anyone suffering after a break up.
Ricky
Jul 26 10, 4:37 am PDT

88
dont know what to say after reading this article. While i was reading this stuff, my eye’s became wet.. Is this so easy to change your focus from the person, U truely loved more than ur life, towards some other thing???is this so easy?? I say NO.. Telk me..will u be satisfied by only watching food.. When u and ur tummy both know that u are extremely hungry.. U will get mad by not getting food… The degree of madness depends upon the degree of ur hunger… Same as the degree of not able to focus on other things depends upon the degree of you loved that person… It is very easy to focus on other things only if u do not love that person or u were only usinp that person for ur sexual needs.. And this specialliety of defocussing or changing the partner truely lies within the females.. Thankyou and god bless all..
matilda
Jul 30 10, 10:37 am PDT

89
I just broke up with someone i was with for two months (not long)…he lied to me and told me he loved me…that he saw a future with me…then just stopped talking to me…I learned to forgive him…and know that I was way too good for him…pretty much he talked me into loving him, when really i dont think I ever really did. He felt for a small period to be apart of me…but then I felt the pieces…when the person is right you shouldnt feel pieces it should be a whole…anyways…im in pain because i’m confused…lonely…but not because of the loss of what could have been, because he wasnt it…and i know that because he is no longer here!!
sweedu
Aug 03 10, 10:38 am PDT

90
Its very tough to forget someone and more than that its tough to forget urself for making a wrong choice and getting u where u standing today…
but life teaches everything…
today its one day to my breakup and i almost thought of ending life…
but then i felt did that person really worth my life… I have many people to love me… a gr8 family.. caring friend… am i suppose to abandon all their love and dreams for that one person… with end of one life many are hurt…
for that one person who hurted me without thinking about me… does it really worth hurting all those who loves me unconditionally… losing my dad at a very young age when i met him i got overdependent on him… but he never deserved it… he never deserved the trust that i had in him.. that no matter what happens he ll be there… he was not… evne when i needed him the most… i hated him… but i have forgiven him… i was wrong at some places so was he but he blamed me… the last i spoke to him i wished things cud get back to same… i had shared best moments of life with him… but do i need to force him to be with me… i have let things to destiny… i ll always wait for him… but then i wont force him… if he is in my destiny he ll come back… no matter what misconceptions he has… if he really loves me he has to find the strength to come back to me… else he was never mine…
so even after my break up i love my guy more than life… but still i wont beg him again to become my life… i am letting him go… maybe even forever…:)
machi
Aug 11 10, 4:19 am PDT

91
good moring every one
it is good article, it gives practical staffs
i want add somethings:
en general we became very attached to a person because we think that if we break up with this person we will not find another person which is good for us as our ex.
blieve it or not or ex are just good ou may be bad than many person in the vicinity !!!
the ideal image about our ex is just conception we have created !!!
CAPITILISE your experienec with ur ex, FORGET and MOVE ON…. thats all
Myra
Aug 16 10, 8:29 am PDT

92
This article supports the feelings I’ve been having and the advice my friends have given me.

I have been seeing a man my age for about 4 months. I realize that we love each other yet no relationship will ever materialize. I call it star-crossed. When we are together, we are the world, we are very passionate and feel so close together. We like each other very much and bonded as humans.

But I have slowly realized, a bit painfully, that nothing else will happen. We don’t really communicate when we are apart, about 1-2 weeks usually, when we are together, it feels as if no time has passed.

Yet on our time apart, I feel like I need more attention, which would then create a real relationship, but that is not going to happen, I don’t think. So I have decided to walk away, slowly, remain friends perhaps, and learn my lessons. I believe I met him for a reason, which is to realize that I AM attractive and fun (he is a very attractive man and kind as well).

Though I have been single for a year after a 5 year relationship, I have worked all along to love myself and improve myself. Everyday I do something to love myself, I try to eat healthy, exercise, buy myself flowers and plants, talk to friends and make new ones, appreciate life for the beauty of it.

Yes, it’s still not easy, I’ve been crying for the past few days when I finally realized for myself that I need to end this quasi-relationship. I have been in denial all along, yet I knew it wouldn’t really last.
So be it.
Breakup Girl

Aug 22 10, 4:53 pm PDT

93
http://the100daysbreakup.blogspot.com/
I started this blog to chronicle the first 100 days of my breakup. I have no idea what to expect and how it will go. But I am sure there will be ups, downs, regrets, doubts and moments where I am down right mad. I have broken up, gone back, been disappointed and know there are millions of people who have done the same. Follow me through this process, add your thoughts, experiences and advice! One thing I do know is that it is time to move on for the 100th time ONCE AND FOR ALL!
sherryann
Sep 07 10, 9:44 pm PDT

94
How Cant I Get over to the Person Whom I offered my Life with Almost 5 years and yet he ruined my dreams……………..
Thanks at least it helped me lot
tweetie
Sep 30 10, 6:32 pm PDT

95
Its been 4 months since the break up. And can i just say, im feeling great! =) i still think about it, but no longer emotionally attached. I dont get teary anymore and im pretty happy with my life right now.. In fact i cant even imagine why i used to cry over the break up in the first place! It seems so trivial and insignificant in my life now. It’s amazing what time and a little bit of self love can do to help heal pains.

I’d just like to thank you once more for writing this blog. I have always had this article on the back of my mind.. especially when im going through a rough day. Thanks so much helping me open my eyes =)

xx
Mel
Oct 03 10, 5:08 pm PDT

96
thank you for the hope that your words inspire in me. i have just been confronted with the reality of a one-sided love. i am in excruciating pain but your post provides me with a much-needed glimmer of hope, a timely reminder of the strong and loving person that lies within me. thanks again.

mel
Nas
Oct 30 10, 5:41 am PDT

97
I cheated on my ex of 7years she left me,i know i hurt her and i cant get over my mistake and guilt,what do i do?im depressed ive started drinking and doing drugs.i love her to bits and cant let go, someone pls help me before i do something stupid
vi
Nov 02 10, 9:58 am PDT

98
I have been searching for some relief after a recent breakup. I read a few books, read many, many, many articles online, talked to family and friends, but still felt bad. Your article has really helped me see things from a totally different angle.

Two things that really stood out for me are: The Origins of Love and Pain and also your point on how one should Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason and that this is the best possible thing to happen to me right now.

Looking back, I think that I did not get much from things I read before this article, because I had not truly accepted that the relationship was over. I still feel some hurt, but a least I’m starting to see some light.

Thank you.
w.
Nov 12 10, 6:28 pm PDT

99
thank you so much for posting this. do you have advice or recommended resources for coping when a partner has cheated on you? your post was very helpful but i don’t know where to go for support on this aspect of my breakup.
Tina Su

Nov 19 10, 1:40 am PDT

100
@w.

I recommend “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle, you can find a link on the right-hand sidebar.
It doesn’t deal with the issue directly, but will help you understand the source of your pain. I highly recommend it.
Lucky
Nov 30 10, 2:46 am PDT

101
How to get over a break up is a GREAT post. I just got out of a relationship about a month ago and it has not been easy, but I’m definitely going to put your advice into practice.

Thank you so much.
logic
Dec 13 10, 6:13 am PDT

102
broke up with my living-in boyfriend of 3yrs, reason was his parents didn’t want me to marry him.
i have had a hard time for the last three months and over the last two weeks, things have been better.
i have completely cut off all contact with him, even he has not bothered to contact me.
there is still this tiny little hope that he will come back to me-which i know is bad and is not making me move on,
your article was very helpful.
i just need to love him unconditionally and i think thats important.
lorraine
Dec 27 10, 7:46 am PDT

103
Hi, some really good comments on here, Iwas left two weeks before xmas after 10 years together, being advised he still loved me but was “not happy” I begged himto work it through, but he did not want this, I cann not believe someone who I gave my life to lied to me and gave no indication he was going to do this, justlike cheatin? going through so many emotions I don’t know if I am coming or going?
Virginia
Jan 03 11, 2:18 pm PDT

104
Unfortunately, I’ve been in an affair for 9 years with a married man. He and his wife have been separated for 3 years, and they have a 6-year old. He continues to spend time with her and the child, and says that it’s for the sake of the child. I’m ready to end the affair, because 9 years is just too long; without a commitment. I am holding on out of fear; history broken, being along, not finding a monogomous-commited relationship, etc. But, I know that this is wrong and will never bring either of us any real peace & contentment. I appreciate your suggestions on loving self first and ways in which I can learn to be alone and feel the pain. . .

Is there anyone out there who is experiencing a similar situation, and if so, can share your feelings?
Gratitude
Jan 05 11, 4:12 pm PDT

105
Thank you Tina :)

Your Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost” resonated deeply as I experienced very similar growth and came to very similar insights you expressed. It is beautiful to read your story and suggestions as they reinforce my own experience.

I especially liked what you have said: “I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth. Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love….”

and …. “When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.”

I also enjoyed reading all of your suggestions, especially this one’s about Loving one’s Ex-Partner from Tom Stine:
“I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break…“LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. … You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! … We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together.”

I would also like to suggest something that helped me a lot. That is writing down quotes that were inspiring and healing, and print them out, and have them available to read, by my bed, or near where I meditate. Here are some of my favorite quotes I printed out:

“Love is a state of Being. Your Love is not outside; it is deep withing you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love” – Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now.

Also, from a very beautiful article called “Inner Marriage by Ani Tuzman: “The source of love and happiness in not another person, nor can love and joy be taken away by another. Love’s abode is every heart.

….It is because of our inner love that we can love another. This love is not given to us by anyone, nor can it be taken away. It is always in our heart. What we gain and lose is our awareness and connection to this love – we never lose the love itself. It can’t be diminished or harmed. It is a power greater than any other…the love we are seeking is inside us. The more we experience the wellspring of love within us, the more we can recognize and delight in it everywhere. We are our own beloved and begin to love others and the world as our own Self.”

Through both sublime and painful experience, love leads us to itself, brings us closer to the truth of loving….Kahlil Gibran wrote:

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them clinging in the earth.”

Love changes us, giving and taking away, at times stripping us of everything so we learn to find it inside, to know our inner strength” – Inner Marriage – Ani Tuzman

And from another source: “I believe that at a profound spiritual level, we are meant to have our hearts broken wide open, so that we can love more, so that we can know compassion, and experience unconditional love. Compassion is where our heart pain is meant to lead us.”

One other thing I would like to add to your meditation list is Transcendental Meditation, known as TM. It has helped me tremendously, and it was during a meditation right after our breakup, that I first had a breakthrough of experiencing such peace and self-sufficient Bliss of mySelf. The following is part of an email that I sent my ex, right after I experienced this breakthrough in meditation:

“I have been experiencing a breakthrough that I need to share with you.

It is a realization that the Love I have for you is so great, so real, so profound, so close, so intimate to my very Being, the pulse of my breath and heart, that I cannot put a condition upon it, I cannot refuse it, I cannot lose it.

It is Unconditional Love for you that is Invincible. Whatever happens between us, it doesn’t matter, I will always Love you Unconditionally.

This had come to me first as a glimpse, but now it has become solid, Invincible.”

Thank you for sharing :)
sarah willman

Jan 19 11, 5:16 am PDT

106
Thanx for all the inspiration from everyone on this. I was ingaged and a month before the wedding my x bobby flipped out and dumped me, i have been so hurt and struggeling.. i still am not over it.. i cry every nite till my pilllow is soaked.. i hate everything i used to love.. i dont like to go out.. i hate myself.. i blame myself…iv never in my life felt this much hurt..its so painful and its been monthes.. we broke up in june.. he hurt me so bad…i have no self-esteem anymore.. i feel worse then i have ever felt..
sarah willman

Jan 19 11, 5:20 am PDT

107
It seems like i have to go through HELL to get past this…theres no way of getting around it.. i have to face the pain and i dont want to…im not sure how..
lindsay
Feb 07 11, 7:58 pm PDT

108
This is honestly the only thing that eased the anxiety and extreme heartache I have been feeling since a difficult breakup a week ago. Printed this out to reread when I feel overwhelmed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Maria
Feb 17 11, 3:09 pm PDT

109
Dear Tina,

Thank you so much for those articles. I have started with the one”How to Find True Love” and I was amazed how well the flow of thoughts correspond to my philosophy of life and when you mentioned in this article the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People I understood why.

It also makes me very happy to see all those comments, because it help me realize that I am not the only one looking for answers to so many things. I wish all those people lived a bit close and we could meet for coffee once in a while and not only communicate through internet.

Thank you so much for a great blog, keep it up!

Kind regards,
Maria
ashley
Mar 07 11, 4:29 pm PDT

110
Well my name is ashley and i lost love i was with the guy seven years and and three kids with him! and im only 23 about to be twenty four in april. Its hard i feel like every time i think of him my heart dies a little more each time I thought just looking at my kids would change that and thats just not the case i find myself crying every time I hear a sad song or just something that reminds me of him BUT this is a big BUT are relationship was toxic in so many ways he didnt trust me so i was home all the time and when i didnt want to be there it was like i had to run away are he would make me take the kids. When we would go out to the club one of us would hit are beat up the other it even started happining when we was not drinking but it would always end with a sorry from both parts and we would just try and move forword. But yes another but. When it was good it was good witch was most of the time. i loved it and i wish it would stay that way. HOW DO I GET OVER HIM. be for i go running back to this guy :(
David
Mar 08 11, 7:29 pm PDT

111
I had been struggling for weeks over the abrupt ending of a 9 month relationship with a woman whom I had fallen deeply in love with.

Loving her with all my might; seeing her for the absoultely brilliant, beautiful person she is and accepting, that although I still love her, we have learned all there is to learn from one another and that we can no longer be together…this has set me free.

Thank you for this gift of love.
cadburyguys
Mar 23 11, 8:12 am PDT

112
thats such a wonderful article..feeling so good after reading your guide..thank you very much:-)
jenn

Apr 04 11, 8:53 am PDT

113
ok… so I’ve been divorced over 13 years and still can’t let go of these horrendous feelings of guilt and what we’ve missed out on over the years, with the children,and in the future when we were supposed to grow old together. we have both since remarried, but I still can’t seem to let go of the pain of what the kids missed out on and the unhappiness and negativity that I feel about myself. it is debilitating. I have been in therapy and on meds, but nothing will alleviate this feeling that I have failed as a person and failed to be a good mother to my children for not being content in my marriage and keeping my commitment and doing everything I could have for the sake of the children. life would have been so much easier on them and I feel like time has been a terrible waste. I also feel like the marriage I am in is some kind of a fraud, because I still love and want to be with my exhusband and I want my family back together. I know this sounds so rediculous after all this time, but I can’t shake the feeling that I could have been a better person, accepted things and my husband for the way he was and been more tolerant of insignificant issues.
Allie
Apr 23 11, 7:18 pm PDT

114
hi!, thank you SOOOO much for that message!!!! it was extremely helpful. I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 1.5 years two days ago and I gotta admit that there were several mistakes on both parts but I was soooo relieved to read that it IS healthy to not feel anger towards him… in reality I respect and I admire him taking the step to say “im sorry, we tried but it just wasn’t working”. I knew this myself but if it would’ve been for me, I would’ve stayed… I cannot thank him enough and yet at the same time, my heart is breaking… some days I am fine and others… I just want to lay in bed all day listening to our songs… I have a LONG way to go but I know that I will get there… One day, I will be able to look at him and his girlfriend(as painful as it sounds at the moment) and say hi and actually being happy seeing him happy.

God couldn’t have been wiser to have put him in my life; we went through some rough, rocky hard times but he stood there saying “I believe in us”, I opened my heart and let him in… I learned sooo much from him… He is…. the best incompatible person I had ever had the opportunity to love…
Martin

Apr 26 11, 2:17 am PDT

115
This is an excellent and very helpful article. It is very important to understand that “getting over” a relationship is a “process”. It is unique for everyone and the recovery time is also different for everyone. One of the key factors in a “healthy” recovery from a relationship break up is to try and “resolve” the issues and emotions associated with the break up- easier said than done i know! However if these emotions remain unchallenged it may lead to depression and a tendancy to withdrawl from society.Separated people on this “path” often stay here for many years and the problems, issues and emotions surrounding the relationship breakdown may stay with them the rest of their life if not addressed.The good news is that we can get “resolution” to these strong feelings through journalling (as suggested above),talking it through and exploring the emotions with a skilled counsellor or trusted friend,working on our understanding and acceptance of what has happened , learning to really relax and building or self esteem. Sounds like hard work? Yes, maybe it is . But there is a real joy in being happily single again, and choosing to move into a new relationship (or not to). Doing this”work” (its kind of fun often and very satisfying!) will also lessen the risk of making relationship “mistakes” in the future.There are plenty of excellent support groups , counsellors and resources available to help you.
Hope
May 06 11, 7:34 am PDT

116
This article is very inspirational. I have just recently ended a relationship of a year and a half years, but I still feel like my heart belongs to him. I know I will get over him one way or the other, I just hope it’s soon because it hurts to imagine him with another girl and I shouldn’t really care about that at this point because he is gone and gone for good. Thank you once again for this article, I feel a lot better now.
Paulina
May 27 11, 1:53 am PDT

117
I haven’t read all comments yet, probably somebody already wrote about this. For me an important step would be Forgive Yourself. This is an integral part of Love Yourself, I know, so in a way it is already there, but I would need to add it on my list as a separate step altogether. I ended a “dating” relationship, I don’t really know how to call it, a week ago as I didn’t see it going anywhere. However, again I find myself filled with guilt and accusations, it is difficult to detach from the piercing thoughts of self-blame. I tend to see past relationships as failures on my side. How I always do something wrong and the relationship disintegrates and does not progress. At the same time I tend to idolize the other person, seeing that it was all my fault that the relationship ended. I am not saying that I didn’t contribute to things falling apart, I made a very big mistage of non-communication to protect myself, but it is as hard as letting go of the person to let go of self-blame. To forgive myself seems almost an insurmountable task. Now it is the perfect timing to practice that, to let go the relationship and forgive myself.
CindyB
May 27 11, 7:47 pm PDT

118
That was powerful…and just what I needed to read. Everything does happen for a reason…..we just need to find the pot of gold at the end of each and every rainbow….or….forget the gold…but know enough to enjoy the rainbow.
rekikoglumd
Jun 08 11, 6:32 am PDT

119
hi

i was dumped by my girlfriend of 4 yrs when a childhood friend of mine confessed his love for her.all of us were close friends, and i trusted them too much. my ex admitted that there is actually no reason for her to leave me, she was really happy with me right until the moment my friend confessed. and all she can say is sorry.it has been 2 months now and although i’m feeling better, but i still cry almost every other day.
HomeTivi

Jun 08 11, 6:33 pm PDT

120
amazing post…i find it incredibly valuable, and fitting for all kinds of relationships. i am going through an incredibly complex breakup involving my life and biz partner, and this piece has me reevaluating my approach. thank you tina, very wise, very kind, and loving advice.
Kimberly
Jun 12 11, 2:50 am PDT

121
Thank you. I don’t know why, but I went from being on the verge of tears to actually feeling better about my situation and about myself. I think that sometimes we end up so wrapped up emotionally on others that we forget about ourselves. Most people are approaching love the wrong way, we believe it all revolves around are partner when in reality it’s mote about ourselves. We expect to be “given” love to be appreciated by others in order to feel any self worth. Which i believe is what opened by eyes! When I read this article I realize that if i had thought about myself more often, my relationship would have been different. If I can learn to love myself as much as I have loved others, I wouldn’t need anyone to “make me feel better,” instead i would have a partner who simply adds joy to my life. It’s a refreshing article, it reminds some of us to always have a positive outlook.
Elizabeth

Jun 16 11, 1:04 am PDT

122
Hi Kimberly- yes very wise words. Its a cliche’ but definitely true, that its very had to form a stable , balanced relationship if we havent learned to love ourselves. Having said that many people really struggle to do just that for many reasons, mainly due (or often due) to past experiences/family of origin etc etc. We can be so hard on ourselves, maybe the first step to ‘self love’ is to give ourselves a break- nurture ourselves. When we are feeling good we attract good stuff .
in the wonderland...
Jun 16 11, 5:54 am PDT

123
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts with us.
I’ve been living in denial about a man I loved very much for 3 years and pretending I didn’t care about the break up for the past 9 months. Tonight, it finally hits me.
I have secretly been searching for getting-over-break-up help online and I thank you for putting on yours……. I find it incredibly helpful!
I appreciate your words of wisdom, clarity and inspiration.
I found it extremely painful when I broke up with him.
I now understand that I was just trying so hard to kill it because I thought if I did it fast the pain will go faster.
I still love him very much. He is a kind and beautiful person with a beautiful heart.
I will get over it. I am looking forward to feel more painful and then hopefully transform myself.
Once again, thank you!
Roman
Jun 16 11, 9:57 am PDT

124
I was in a very stress filled relationship for 9 months. For some reason i cannot let go. She was cheating on me…and i knew it. i just didn’t want to believe it. She has told lies that i have hit her to all of my friends who “forgot” that i existed. I gave everything in this relationship and i feel like somehow it is my fault.
sanaa
Jun 16 11, 10:10 pm PDT

125
tina can u suggest something about long distant relationship ……….. coz i hv been in gr8 pain after been parted from my boyfriend……. we r even unable to communicate due to some unavoidable circumstances………..
Katie
Jun 18 11, 2:29 pm PDT

126
Hi,.. I am 16 years old and I have experienced love, you can comment and say that at that age there is no such think as love but their is,.. so this is my experience and thoughts.
We were together for over a year, we couldn’t be separated, we were best friends and we would see each other most weekends.
We were both going thought some tough times at school, I was getting bullied and he hated school that much that it was making him so ill, but together our worries would go away and we could just be happy, share thinks that i wouldn’t even share with girl-friends and we trusted each other so much.
Then school started coming an end and we were both going out separate ways,.. he enjoyed working that much and i was so caught up in revision and seeing friends we started losing interest but we still loved each other will all out hearts.
Our relationship did end about 2 weeks ago now, i could say it was a happy ending we both decided it and their were no arguments,.. but it was that easy it doesn’t seem real sometimes and then recently it hit me the guy that was inseparable to me is disappearing out of my life and its a shock to my system.
I would just like to say that your article is amazing! Reading it has made me had faith that it is possible for the pain to go away. Some of the thinks listed i have already done and they work wonders. I see my best friend quite often now and she has been there for me every step of the way, and i feel privileged to have someone like her.
Again Your Article Is Going To Work Wonders,.. Slowly, But In Time It Will Be For The Better
THANK YOU!
Noo
Jun 30 11, 8:48 am PDT

127
Thank you Tina,

Thank you so so much for your post. I will start to love myself.
Social Skills

Jul 06 11, 12:43 pm PDT

128
Great tip! Time is the best cure for breakup.
lydia
Jul 15 11, 10:02 am PDT

129
thanks so much for this. i just read this the same day my partner asked for a break up and i was so down
jai
Jul 21 11, 5:33 am PDT

130
thanks for guiding me and giving peace in my heart,really nice article once again thanks
Kris
Jul 21 11, 4:20 pm PDT

131
Man do I have one that will blow everyone out of the water.. Its so embarrising to talk about because I know I am a sucker.. for the past 2 years I was used and abused.. They would break up with their gf then get back with me saying this will be the last time I never want her again.. Now the exs family cant stand them now and want me around. My exs moms like my mother she lives across the hall from me.. I need to let go but dont know how. I think of my ex everyday and I dont want to.. I want to move on and me happy I deserve that!
ashley
Jul 21 11, 8:55 pm PDT

132
Me and my boyfriend broke up last night and this help me recognize a few things thank you very much god bless you
Myra
Jul 25 11, 11:49 am PDT

133
I first read this article 1 year ago and commented on it. It’s been a hard year, but yet a year of personal growth, tears and smiles.
I grew up, I learned to accept as is, to accept that everything has a reason and that we have no control over certain things.

I still love my ex. He is beautiful and I will keep loving him, yet I moved on. I see my future as full of blessings, yet my present is ever precious. I love me and my friends and family and that is all I can do, is love and hope that I can find someone to share my love with.
Hayley
Jul 27 11, 10:24 am PDT

134
Powerful. I actually printed it so I can carry it around with me..

So, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through; My fiance was my everything and he just left me without a blink of an eye. He told me yesterday that he would always love me and that he just needed to “soul search”. Well, needless to say, my guy friends tell me that’s code for “another girl”. All in all, this is the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life. I was in love, head over heels, and never happier. Sucks to know that he was feeling this way without me not having a clue. Just last week I had a note from him expressing how much he loved me. So ridiculous and So lonely. I want to take this time to invest and make it into something “good” and “positive” but all I’m not at the point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nonetheless, I am still staying at the same house we just got together- so, that makes things more difficult. I just sleep on the couch and pray for this nightmare to just end. It’s so depressing to just see your whole life thrown away because your other half can’t do it anymore… it’s awful and by far the worst experience… I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.

Lastly, thank you for this article- I needed this boost.
omi

Jul 30 11, 8:57 am PDT

135
I’m readn this article in a restaurant my x and brokup afta 4 years, its been 2 weeks and I told her I wait here for an hour if she doesn’t I will know its over, and she hasn’t come
alex
Jul 30 11, 12:37 pm PDT

136
@Hayley

Hayley positive thoughts are your friend at the moment.

Consider the good times with your ex and rather than feel the sadness based on the need of this comfort, focus on the fact that it did happen.
your soul is need of a smile so reflect on your past relationship(your doing it anyway) and smile at the great times. Understand what it all meant to your soul, what things you were able to learn and appreciate about a relationship.you have the focus to make this a very positive time to gather strength and determination out of this situation.
yes it does hurt however that emotion comes from self pity…your special…. :-0 know that(we all are) learn to love yourself a little bit more than the present situation.

Doesn’t feel like it at the moment but you will walk out of this much stronger…im sure of it.
Larry
Aug 01 11, 9:28 am PDT

137
Hi My name is “Larry” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email me on larryjms49 at gmail dot com to get the spell caster’s contact… Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.
Mjc
Aug 10 11, 5:40 am PDT

138
Tina, what a timely article! Thank you so much!
@Hayley – Almost exactly the same thing happened with me – my fiance broke up with me last week…and I had no clue it was going to happen, so it was a complete shock.. Just the night before the breakup, we’d talked about how much we love each other, and were looking forward to the wedding. It also hurts that he actually told his parents about the breakup before telling me – I’ve no idea why he did that. What’s worse is that he has SLE (lupus).. and I was the one providing him with support and strength and unconditional love all this while…and we’ve had such a beautiful relationship and we’ve always been there for each other. I’ve been telling myself that his stress levels/coping threshold/sense of judgement must be really messed up coz of the lupus.. and am trying to forgive him completely and move on. I feel sorry for him, and upset about us at the same time, but I’m hoping time will take care of that as well.

I’m so glad I came across this article..it’s helped a lot.
Anne
Aug 18 11, 3:54 pm PDT

139
This was a great article, but like Chase, I have some other opinions. I think it is WONDERFUL to fully love yourself and achieving this can be a process. However, sometimes you want your partner to make you feel special and I don’t think that is TOO much to ask for.

There should be a balance of love for yourself and love for your partner.

I guess in the end realizing that you and your partner are no longer enriching one another’s life can make it plain and clear.

Loving yourself is a great way to shift the focus and attention in order to heal, but I don’t think it’s all.

Perhaps the helpless romantic in me wants to believe a little bit more in true love. Not just “Love is born, lives, and dies”. Blech! That tales the excitement out of it!

Sure it won’t always work, but I won’t give up. I will continue to love myself and search for someone who can better love me the way I desire.
humbug
Sep 05 11, 3:53 pm PDT

140
love is just an illusion of the mind. it feels like your heart has been smashed in pieces and maybe it has. it’s just a major waste of time. thats what i feel currently, and yes same situation – break up.
lazarus
Sep 12 11, 10:37 pm PDT

141
Dated a girl for a year and a half and got dumped and then after three years she really wanted to get back with me and so i did and i got dumped again within a month……i am mostly disappionted as i made a fool out of myself twice…..and even though above tips must be effective but i dont think they can help as i feel disppointed , basically she has rankled my peace of my mind…….open to any suggeations which will help me to get over with irritating state i am in
Priscy
Sep 14 11, 5:57 am PDT

142
Hi Tina,

Thank you for your article on getting over breakups. Im glad i get to read the 7 tips on getting over breakups. the point 3 and 4 has really heal my pains and also help me to get over the emotional trauma i have been through all these years. I never knew i could get to forgive my ex, not much more loving him. But your article help me to see that, it was the only way out of the pains i was having inside. thank you for helping me get over it.

priscy.
Geily
Sep 19 11, 2:05 pm PDT

143
This is a great article, and i just broke up with my boyfriend and the reason is because we argue way too much and i love him very much and i did it for both of us, so were not stuck in this circle its terrible and i had a relationship a while ago where i kept being there trying and trying thinking things were going to be different but at the end it was worst this current relationship we were together for 9 months and yes you may be super attracted to someone but if your characters are the same your always going to clash and its a terrible cycle and i am great at loving my self very much!!! i trust myself 100% so i know i will be fine and i do see the positive of every situation i learn a lot from life and its bad that we adults forget when we get bigger that the world is a play ground n we forget to play and just act addicting and crazy towards each other. I always believe that God has that someone for each one of us and it will come one day when we least expect it and when were ready for it! Thanks for sharing on this article God bless everyone and remember to always love your self first before you try to love another.
Andrea
Sep 22 11, 7:47 am PDT

144
What a beautifully written article. I feel more peace after reading, particularly the section about allowing myself to love him even though we are not together. Thank you.
Jason
Oct 09 11, 9:28 am PDT

145
Yes. This is an amazing article. Thank you so much for posting it. This totally helped me find peace and clarity. Thank you.
Awaroa Rapana
Oct 19 11, 4:43 am PDT

146
I have been reading all the above posts. I have been with a man for 5 years on and off. I did feel love for him and cared about him very much. In these 5 years he kept dumping me for whatever reason suits him at the time. He always blamed me for everything. But like a fool I always took him back hoping that things will be better. I don’t blame him and I realise now I am the fool to let him come back. It hurts all the time he dumps me. Its like I am immuned to being dumped. I was so blind to see the truth. I always believed the only reason someone comes back is because they love you or want to be with you. I realise now that this is a very naive way of thinking far from the truth and reality. After reading many articles men like this are players. They know how to push the buttons of vulnerable women and they use it to their advantage. I have learnt that when things are not greener on the other side as they hoped for they will always return to the person that they know they can use and abuse. At the time I never thought of it like that as I was too much in love and very dependent on him. However, here I am again broken up. It has been nearly 2 weeks. What I am really happy about is that this break up is different from the rest of the break ups I have had with him. The first break up was so painful, I went through all the crying, withdrawal, etc… I thought I would never live to tell the story. I had never been through so much pain in my life. This was the first real experience of knowing what it felt like when someone dumps you. Then it happened the second time and I still felt pain and hurt etc… Then it happened the third time and I was still none the wiser and so on. But now it has taken me this long to wake up and smell the roses. I feel much stronger and I didn’t cry or any of that stuff. I accepted it and yes it was still hurting but not as bad. I forgive him and let him go. I forgive myself and love myself even more. I will not take him back this time. I made myself a promise. I refuse to be treated with disrespect. I am so proud of myself for saying these words. The articles above have helped me in trying to love myself and to get my own self respect back. It takes two to tango. But I have decided that I enjoy to dance alone. Thanks for the helpful tips on looking at a break up in a different light. Love and peace to you all. Here is something that may help those who are still broken. F – Face it. (admit you are hurting, angry, annoyed etc) A – Accept it what has happened. It’s over he’s dumped you)… S – See the lesson in it and learn from it. T – Then move on to another level. A better space etc…
Ann

Oct 21 11, 8:37 pm PDT

147
Well I read the article. Very good advise. I took the first step and that was getting rid of a picture of the person I love and who I always will. I tapped myself on my chest lightly and said ” Ann, I love you”. ” You are a good person and you know it.” ” No one can take that away from you no matter how hard they try.” I never thought of telling myself that ” I love you” but it makes sense. The first step for me to heal was indeed getting rid of a picture so there are no reminders for me to go back and dwell on. It is over and that I must accept. God has greater plans for me and this I know. Only he knows what and who is right for me. My aunt said to me in a message ” I am so sorry you are hurting and the feeling of rejection or being rejected is a hard pill to swallow but god said ” No to this one. Not right now.”
Lauren
Oct 22 11, 12:15 am PDT

148
Hi, I’m Lauren. I was in a relationship with someone for 2 years, and in those 2 years, I became extremely close with my boyfriend. He was my best friend. There wasn’t a doubt that he was meant to be in my life forever. But in August he had to move across the country for school. A week after he left, he broke up with me, even though it was somewhat mutual, it wasn’t what either of us really wanted, but the soonest I could move out there was next July, and tickets there are expensive, even so I was willing to do a visit every month. But he said that he didn’t want to hold me back. This was all 2 months ago, and I am still heart broken. To me, being apart feels wrong. And I feel a lot of resentment towards him, wondering why he allowed me to fall in love with him if he knew he had to leave for school, and why he never told me he wasn’t interested in long distance. We still talk, although this last week we got into a fight and haven’t spoken in 4 days, and now I’m not sure if we will be on speaking terms ever again.
But my biggest problem with getting over the heart break, is that he has the mind set that in 4 years when school is done, we will pick up where we left off, and get married. I wish that could happen, but realistically I don’t want to wait at least 4 more years to get married, and I want to move on but still be able to be his friend when he comes back for visits. But I know that once I start moving on or seeing someone else, our friendship will be completely ruined, if it isnt already. So my dilemma is whether or not I should tell him that I either want to be with him, or move on and risk our friendship, or possibly try to work through long distance until July, or just move on and start healing and finding other people.
Any advise anyone has for me is extremely helpful, and there is much more information, but this is obviously just the tip of th iceberg.

I also have a breakup experience before this, and here is what I can say about that:
If you ever doubted the relationship, don’t second guess yourself. You are much smarter than you think, and you know what is best for you and your life. Don’t allow someone to hold you back, and especially don’t let them control you or intentionally give you bad feelings. A lot of guys seem great in the beginning, but when they show their true colors, they aren’t all they pretended to be. And I can say from experience, each heartbreak gets a little easier, and the next relationship is even better after what you learned from the one before.
Raji toyin
Oct 28 11, 12:37 pm PDT

149
This instrint and elusidating on how to come over a break heart has been a wonderfull exreme more cudos.
GeorgiaR

Nov 10 11, 8:12 am PDT

150
@Lauren:
Once you’ve loved deeply, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pain is a part of the natural healing process. It means that you’re fully aware of the past feelings and the barrier of time that exists between you and your ex.
I’ve introduced a new concept in the healing process: suffer less and live more. This concept has two parts, just as you have guessed.

1. SUFFER LESS
Don’t focus on what is screaming inside you, leave that part in the past.

2. LIVE MORE
Understand that pain is still a line between you and him. Only indifference and independence drops a line that can’t be crossed, emotionally separating you two.
Almost as powerful as love, pain can bring you tears, thoughts but also, it can bring you joy and fulfillment. What’s more important is that pain can bring you power. Internal power, strength.
You’re becoming stronger not thanks to nice and good things, but thanks to difficult and painful obstacles. It’s true. Pain nourishes your strength. Otherwise, how could you grow personally?
Let me tell you something: strength does not come from winning or from great memories. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you’re pushed toward a limit, when you’re facing a real obstacle, that’s developing your strength. And pain is the key to the front door. Period.
Feeling so much pain is a kick-start, you’re not even aware of the fact that your brain, your body feels everything. Whatever you believe, your cells believe it too.
[…] Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. (Morrison)
So stop consuming yourself in this situation and start working things out until you gain the strength you need. And once you’re there, everything will be more clear.
Deborah
Nov 13 11, 6:18 pm PDT

151
I’m so glad I came across this articular. I’m going through a break-up. The pain has been unbearable. I’m normally a very positive happy go lucky person. I consider myself enlightened spiritually, but this one really knocked me out. It was a sniper shot and I never saw it coming… Your words spoke to my core & I really feel as if I’m on the mend and my joy is returning…thank you <3
GeorgiaR

Nov 14 11, 8:28 am PDT

152
I’m glad you like it, Deborah. Only a woman can understand how bad a breakup can be. Having your happiness crushed is not easy to live with. But healing yourself is the solution for becoming happy again.
You can find more by clicking on my name. Thanks.
Be strong!
sunil
Nov 16 11, 1:05 pm PDT

153
My story also starts as perfect as any other, spending time with each other, to love and care about each other, to listen each other.
But dont know what happend, after some time things started looking like its not gonna work.after 3 years i just got one answer from her that she dont have feelings for me anymore.
But it was just the starting, we were not in contact for next 2 years and one day i got a call from her mother saying that this is the time and now i should come and see her at least once. I went to her place and saw that she was suffering from Leukemia Bone Marrow….It felt like i lost everything once again.i was with her for next 4 months and she died in my arms. those 4 months was the most beautiful time we spent with each other, i still remember each and every moment.
Till now it is not easy for me to get over it but its life and i am trying my best. I still love her so much and can do anything to get her back but its not possible.
Today again i was missing her, her phone number is still saved in my contact list but i cant talk to her now, that’s why just thinking to write it down somewhere with my tears and found this place.
Just one advice guys,First off all try to put your best in your relationships, even though there are very few lucky people who gets succeeded in their relationship, so please try to get rid of it and try to move on. Try to be a friend of her if possible, as if you cant find her in romantic way still you can be her friend and try to take good care of her as love never ends.

Take care.
KC
Nov 20 11, 2:09 pm PDT

154
I initiated a break up almost 2 years ago, and even turned him down multiple times after that. However, I have found myself second guessing myself. I know there is no chance to get back together and I even know that I don’t want to. The thing that I have realized is that it is safer (for my ego) to hold on to the notion that he was my only chance at finding someone to spend my life with rather than choosing to live my life now or trying to meet someone else who can possibly fill that role.

As the quote goes, “one doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore.”

I just hope that everyone realizes, both parties are often affected by break-ups. Trust that where you are is where you are supposed to be. There are no mistakes in this world. Let things unfold as they are meant to, because I believe once we finally accept this idea our relationship with ourselves, friends, family members, and significant others will all be infinitely better! I wish luck to everyone struggling with their break-ups, and trust that you are not alone and that you are going to get through this.
Reeva

Nov 27 11, 8:16 am PDT

155
Thanx.. Hope it’s going to work..
New
Nov 28 11, 8:51 am PDT

156
:) Thank you….
rhys wheeler
Dec 01 11, 3:29 pm PDT

157
i recently broke up with my girlfriend who i was with for almost a year now i have never considered my self attractive and it took me a while to want to go out with this girl in the first place because i didn’t think i was good enough and couldn’t understand why any girl would love me but when i did go out with her it was the best feeling of my life and i never wanted that feeling to end. but around 2 months ago she cheated on me she told me right away and told me how sorry she was and as much as i had felt betrayed it took a while but i took her back because i loved her but after that incident things were never the same and we slowly drifted apart we are now broken up and although i know i deserve better because she has messed me around a few times but i still love her and i just feel lost without someone by my side i don’t know how i will ever find someone else =( i don’t know what to do
Rj
Dec 02 11, 11:11 pm PDT

158
My boyfriend of six years broke up with me just yesterday through a text message. Mind you, it was the second time he did this. I felt really devastated. I felt unloved, disrespected, worthless and dis-valued that I was not given a formal closure. We have had relationship struggles but I always see to it address the issues concerned and tried to find resolutions. He, however, does not want to talk our issues. he’s non-confrontational. When we were together, he would rather choose to keep mum about our issues and pretend as if nothing happened and everything’s fine which made me feel unheard. chances are, my issues with him pile up and when the limit’s reached I burst leading to nag him which he hates. With the situation I am in, I felt abandoned much more disrespected. Glad to have read your article. somehow, I felt relieved. Thanks to you!
rhani
Dec 19 11, 12:23 pm PDT

159
Thank you Tina. This article has helped me more than I can say and within only hours of reading it. I have recently broken up with my partner of just under a year. I am 20 and although I have had relationships before, this was my “first love”. I was lied to, misled and ultimately used by this boy, who had asked me to marry him, wanted to start a life and a family with me and then one day told me he didn’t love me and hadn’t for a long time. I can’t describe the emotional rollercoaster I have been on for the past few weeks. I am a very happy person generally, although I am sensitive. This news destroyed me and I spent three weeks in bed, unmotivated and out of faith. I felt my self had been destroyed… But your article made me see that I am allowing myself to feel this way only. I can’t hate him because I am only damaging myself. I can’t lose my faith because really it wasn’t tied up in him in the first place. All of the faith and love I need in this world is within me and me only. He may have mirrored these things for me, stroked my ego if you will. But he never gave me anything, he just let me feel my own power. I am instantly lighter, happier and stronger. I never considered myself a forgiving person, I hold a strong and long grudge, but the best part of accepting all of this, I have no grudge to hold. I can forgive without trying because there is no longer any blame. Thank you tina. I can’t say it enough. You woke me up.
saffronseeds
Dec 21 11, 12:23 pm PDT

160
thanks for the beautiful article. feels like a god sent. thank you :)
Haley
Dec 21 11, 5:53 pm PDT

161
Wow this article i think gives some good advise.
I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years. Which was my first relationship with a girl. A month before our 3 year anniversary I went to visit her an noticed she was hiding her phone while she was texting someone. Turns out she said she cheated on me and with a girl i dated right before her. This girl was in a relationship with a man when we dated and she told me she couldnt do it and i should persue things with this other girl (who is my ex now from the 3 year relationship) I was so upset. But I contiune to talk to my ex everyday and we hangout alot. Its been about two years since the break up now and everyday ive tried to get her back. Everyone says give it time… isnt two years enough time that i should be able to move on? I cant seem to though.
She still calls me every night to tell me goodnight and sweetdreams. Now she has become more distant and its bringing back all the old emotions i felt right after the break up. I just dont know what to do anymore… Im absolutely terrified that she will start dating someone else. Ive tried to date other people but it never worked out. So i figure ill start with the advise this article gives and maybe it will help. Friends have said i cannot move on and let go because i still talk to her everyday and hang out with her. But i just cant seem to let go. If anyone has any advise please help…
Kirel
Dec 28 11, 1:42 pm PDT

162
Hello Tina.

I have read this couple of times and I have to say that it is really something, I would love to add that point number 4 is just weird and I cannot see where it suppose to lead you. It is crazy to be betrayed by someone you love and care for, someone that I put my heart in her hand and because she though that I did something wrong, she squeezed my heart, leaving me into a pain that I swore I was never gonna feel again, but it happened. I really worried to see how much can this affect me when I tried to go into another relation. This is the third time someone brakes my heart and every time is getting colder and colder. For the first time in my life I think my hear will become a cold stone. This is my third day into this agony and it is really taking every strength from me. Every aspect of my live is a wreck right now. Please any help is appreciated, really any.
Deborah
Dec 29 11, 3:21 pm PDT

163
Kiral,
Sending healing energy for your broken heart…and my prayer is that you will heal and heal quickly.. The love you felt for Her lives inside you… you get to take that love with you wherever you go..You will smile again I promise…
Nobody
Jan 07 12, 1:44 am PDT

164
Everything you said makes so much sense.
Now if my heart could only read. =( I would be okay.
Truth is I am crying….I will cry some more….I will look at my phone to see if he called or texted….I will day dream that he comes crawling back.
I am a idiot. This I know.
ding rui
Jan 13 12, 1:58 am PDT

165
i’m a little bit headache right now . she broke up with me 5 days ago , and she regreted then . And for me , i really want to break up . because i have suffered enough . i just don’t what go back . But what makes me headache now , is she’s trying to begging me back . i know it’s impossible but still she’s doing it .
she told me about how bad she was and how’s feeling she was. but i care nothing .she has written 2 long emails to me , it makes me very sad.
how can i to let her FORGET me ! it’s crazy !
Emi
Jan 19 12, 11:03 am PDT

166
Thank you tina, this article is so comforting. :)
market research strategies

Jan 19 12, 11:16 pm PDT

167
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prasad
Jan 24 12, 2:40 am PDT

168
my relation was 6 years, my girl friend broke with me,
i could not control the pain,i feeling lonely, i lost my job,
i wish to get her back in my life,but she his with some one else, any body please help me out, my i.d:p.athmaram@gmail.com
still hurting
Jan 24 12, 9:35 am PDT

169
I went through a breakup two weeks ago. We were together for two years and I was under the assumption that we were very happy. We always talked about getting married and having a life together. Then one day out of the blue he told me he wasn’t happy. How am I supposed to get over something like that? Everyone in our lives were completely caught off guard just like I was. I understand that I need to love myself but I can’t help thinking that I did something wrong. Why else would I and everyone else think we were so happy? Please help. They say time heals all wounds but I’m still in so much pain its almost crippling.
gokul
Jan 28 12, 9:38 am PDT

170
thank u very much.i will recover
jacob

Feb 01 12, 4:27 am PDT

171
Going to add you to my google reader, awsome stuff. Maintain it up and u have a loyal reader.
sara
Feb 07 12, 7:38 pm PDT

172
thanks for the article. the comments were great to read too. made me realize the love i had is not unique, im not alone, pain is pain, but i don’t have to suffer.
brana
Feb 08 12, 2:46 am PDT

173
i am brana i lives in slovakia and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years..

One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party.

i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us..

then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner (redrocktemple@yahoo.com).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him.

i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely

baby(Ceslav)…i wish you the best of luck…
Marcie

Feb 13 12, 11:27 pm PDT

174
I read through this article 5 times. I wanted to grasp it all and make sure that I didn’t miss a single word. The first three times I read it my eyes were blurry with tears. This article gave me so much hope. I have been trying to get over an ex boyfriend for 8 months now and I began to think I would feel this pain for the rest of my life. I was miserable. This article has opened my eyes, and I know now that I will be just fine. Thank you.
Redianthus
Feb 14 12, 3:51 am PDT

175
This is so soppy and stupid that it makes me feel ill. This information does not help many people who have broken up at all! How many people have got money to buy themselves flowers during this recession for goodness sake! And that would just reinforce miserable memories of the pig who never bought you flowers! All this soothing “learning of lessons of life” is offensive to to a person whose emotions are destroyed. Their lives are not textbooks or universities; they do not need to be told that they have learnt something. How gutless and insensitive is that!? Good riddance and what a load of bull to all this sugary, feminine goo about “let the heart open and forgive.” Nobody’s heart is open to forgive after they have had their heart ripped out and trampled on and even told they do not possess a heart for wrecking. The best way to get over a break up is to freely hate the person who let you down, refuse to forgive them (mercilessly) for as long as it takes to get over the agony, sense of injustice and the bruises. Lay a deep curse on them if necessary – promise them in a quiet, meaningful magic-sounding voice that: what comes around goes around and their narcissistic attitude is not your issue anymore so they are now free to fall into their own private muddy pond and drown – and that is definitely going to happen to them and they will be there for eternity unless they start looking at themselves from a new angle rather than a mirror! (if they deserve hell that is) And and find a new partner immediately even though it probably won’t last. There is nothing better than having the healing feelings of being wanted by a new person so go for it! IT is natural to do that; just don’t make the obscure object of desire feel as if they are being stalked or hunted; get them to hunt you by saying: “no, I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs; that is beneath me. And alcohol makes makes people fat”. Drifting around in a state of celibate depression like some romantic half creature from a lake in Germany is only going to add to the sheer misery of being alone and wretchedly celibate so …get involved..don’t wait for someone to come along ( because they never do in reality unless they are called Mr or Ms Wrong #….?) ask them to have a medical check for STI’s first and if they concede, then really do love yourself as much as you can.
mayank
Feb 17 12, 10:13 am PDT

176
i just want to thank you that after reading this article i am feeling much much better
thnx a lot
Ashley corbett
Feb 17 12, 6:28 pm PDT

177
I’m reali sorry im going through a break up and it’s bin 3months and I’m still in love , angry, upset u name it I feel it but if every relationship is a cycle and will evenchaly end in heart ache again y would we even consider having another relationship when what ur saying is it’s going to end and to b ok with it! I’m sorry but that’s crap! Love has the power to completely destroy us man and woman, so would we openly hand sum1 that much power over us! U can say I’m bitter etc etc and yeah I am but my eyes r wide open and I c everything very clearly, you atract a partner then they change u into there idea of wat they were reali after then wen u change to that they diside it wasn’t reali wat they wonted in first place, iv relised woman don’t have a clue what they won’t and men r stupid anuff to do anything for sex! It’s a womans world and men r just new age slaves give sum1 everything and ur buying there love give them nothing and they will find sum1 who will tell them u love them and b there for them and ur smuvering them, if u Dnt tell them u have no emotions we can never win in the game of love the odds r staked against us big time, my advise stay single do everything u hav ever dreamed of and Dnt let sum1 else stop u doing it just coz it isn’t there thing it’s that black and White! Happyiness and freedom to live, or heart ache pain suffering & depression!
paul
Feb 25 12, 7:28 pm PDT

178
Thanks for the tools. Feeling slightly better. Thankas again!
Rd
Feb 26 12, 8:27 pm PDT

179
I have read a gazillion articles online after my breakup with my ex about 2 months ago. He really meant the world to me and i have been trying to hate him and blame him for hurting me so much by his actions. i feel so much love for him which i used to get angry about – and still do. but i love the point : love ur ex partner. its true that it helps. In the past, i have accepted my love for my ex and hence, over time it helped me let go of him…it was the easiest way to let go. to accept that i love him a lot and always want the best for him. to accept that i want him to be safe and happy. I am going to try fight my feelings of revenge, hurt and betrayal and try to remember that i really love this guy and letting him be would help me love him more and let him go and thus improve both our lives.
ANNA
Feb 27 12, 5:16 am PDT

180
thanks to lordzula who help me get my love back my name is ANNA my I just broke up with my boyfriend and I want her back. This is so hard I hate it! I think I will have to wait a couple of months before I talk to her again. Maybe he’ll miss me?but after 3months he did not call i run to redrocktemple and he help me u can contact he at redrocktemple @ yahoo.com
Raatene Kiritimati
Feb 29 12, 3:27 am PDT

181
thank you so much Tina for your powerful hints….your words penetrates me like a sharp knife……at first when i read it i remember my self a year ago when i am in love with a guy who breaks with me 7times…..without knowing why enwaii thanks
Raatene Kiritimati
Feb 29 12, 3:33 am PDT

182
now i know that love is not something we receive it is something we already had as we are born through love….gesundheit……now i think i can start learning loving my own self rather than wasting my time loving others who cannot satisfied my heart…
Long Ago
Mar 02 12, 8:58 am PDT

183
The woman I still refer to as my “Ex” broke up with me on my birthday right after the small party I had. She had been changing over the few months preceding and had withdrawn from me emotionally and then physically. I suspected she had been having an affair with her boss and I later discovered I was right.

She was everything to me.

As far back as I can remember I had been the misfit, the one that in high school you would walk away from if you saw me approach. I just have one of those personas that people at that stage find aggravating. I was lonely and angry and very, very unhappy. I met my Ex about a year out of college and we fell in love and began the most intense, wonderful emotional and sexual relationship I ever had. (To this day it was the longest.) I was a skilled lover and taught her how to enjoy her body, to orgasm with a man and to enjoy new acts and experiences. We did some traveling together and I opened iup a new world to her.

One day, about nine months into the relationship she went to interview for a job. She came home and something had changed. She had been hired immediately and she told me that the person who had hired her was “the most remarkable man”. I knew at that moment that I was going to lose her. He behavior over the next months changed. She started wearing makeup and was always traveling with him for business. He was much older and very married. Sexually things changed. She started to do things she did not like before and even shaved her pubic area, this in a time way before it was popular. The frequency of sex dropped off form five to six times a week to once a week if that.

She seemed annoyed by me. By January, two months before my birthday she started acting annoyed with me and even picked fights all the time. I gave her nothing to fight about. This only seemed to frustrate her.

On the night of my birthday she broke up with me but still wanted to be friends with benefits but did not want to stay that night. the next day she called and told me she had thought it over and felt it was best not to be sexually involved anymore. I later found out he was at her apartment that night waiting for her.

In the year following I fell apart. I started to obsess and it took every ounce of strength I had not to begin stalking behavior. I found out all about her affair and confronted her lover telling him to stop manipulating his subordinate and taking advantage of her. He told me was was going to call the police if I ever contacted him again never admitting the truth. He then told her that I had threatened to kill him and his family and that I had even threatened my Ex. She was terrified by this and had a lawyer send a letter to me threatening me with legal action, totally embarrassing me by copying it to my mother, father, sister and a friend.

I had a emotional collapse and was hospitalized. It didn’t help. I found myself thinking of nothing but her every hour of every day and then dreaming of her when I slept. I went to several therapists, read dozens of books, tried several other relationships all ending in disaster and descending into despair. I cried rivers of tears having these terrible emotional spells almost every week. I found that I had trouble concentrating became obsessed with finding another woman just like her. (Just about impossible. ) She is middle eastern and I am mixed race and I have found they only get serious and marry whites. Though I am the same color as her many women of that background have since told me that she could have never married me because of family pressure. This further damaged me and I started to hate myself because of my color. My career derailed and I just kind of drifted. I found that if I got involved with a woman I would just, at a certain point stop feeling anything for her. I Have since pretty much given up any hope of ever finding anyone or being able to get close to anyone ever again.

This woman was my love, my ideal my everything. She eventually, after spending five years as his mistress married another co-worker and is now a very successful businesswoman. She retired a young millionaire living in a beautiful home in the suburbs a wonderful city. To this day I wake up thinking of her and my heart aches just to hear her voice again. I still listen to the last voice message she left me after we broke up. She is still beautiful, even now. People love her and she is very popular in her community and has a family and everything she ever wanted and more. I am still single, a failure in life and even suicidal at times.

I cannot let go of her and I do not, do NOT want to love her or even think of her anymore. I can find no answers and have lost all direction.

It will be twenty four years next week since she left me.
Fereshte
Mar 07 12, 1:21 am PDT

184
Thanks. Great stuff :))
Jason Bernier
Mar 14 12, 7:18 pm PDT

185
this post and the how to find true love post is so great i’ve just broke with my gf for some resons and had a hard time living with the thought the past week i had some question so i called her. after hanging up i felt weightless lol hard to explaine but just this step make me wnat to go foward. thank you
Sarah W.

Mar 19 12, 11:44 pm PDT

186
Some great tips here! I think exercise is really important: it’s much easier to stay focused on your workout when you’re doing it to make yourself look better and spite your ex, haha.
jay
Mar 22 12, 8:56 am PDT

187
Hi my name is jay I’m dealing with a killed relationship as said in the article, how can I email one of you or something so I can get some advice
Gary
Mar 23 12, 6:41 am PDT

188
Hay,,,, Thank you for the tips, i almost did most of them specially the screaming and the crying hehehhehe
I have some questions?
1) as we both know our relation will not work, what do u think of being friends based on the fact that i loved her 100 times more and this is my first time?????and she left me???
2) Is the idea of having sex in my head and seeking it with her doable????
hamid

Mar 25 12, 5:15 am PDT

189
i also had a breakup few days ago…i was very much tensed …actually i had my relationship which lasted for 1 year..we were engaged to eachother….i was in great love with her…i realise that these were my faults aswell and her faults…i cant think negative about her…by the grace of God i have now over come this break up very much….i kept on weeping for so much times for her….actually from my personnel experience i want to tell you that relationships are very weak and they remain weak ..i am talking about love love relations…so they must be dealt with extreme care…and i know that its hard to getover the break up….but if you have faced this reality somehow even from your fault or hers you should never thing that if i would have done this or if i would not had done this so it might have lasted…but what you have to do is to start accepting that it has done,,,,,and you should not remain as single person now…and you should find a person who is sincere to you and now you should not repeat the mistakes which you made previously …and you should make this relation so wonderfull that you should never think of your past,,,,and remember what i think is that in your new relationship you should never discuss any thing about your past with your new love and you should tell her that its the first love so that she may not think any thing wrong about you,,,neither you should let her disclose any of her past.,,,,now you should live with her more sincerely and honestly…and in love we should expext the least from others …but put in your best sincerity ,,,thanks
mary
Mar 30 12, 12:48 pm PDT

190
this article was veryhelpful to me.I was recently diagnosed wih cancer,my relationship with a man for over 13 years ended my new man who is loving respectful,kind and generous is helping through this challenge in my life.but the love of my life is who i think about all the time.Idid a little journaling ,ifeel like i can love him always but i dont have to be with him. that is were i am focusing right now ,and my new man was put into my lifefor a reason,although things dont make sense to me i am sure the bigger picture will make sense oneday.Iam chosing love right now instead of saddness and pain Iam realizing that we choose our thoughts,and being positive and loving are far more benifical to me instead ofbeing negative. I miss my love but i believe that i can love again in better way because i am learning to loveME thanks again and may god bless
malala
Mar 31 12, 4:39 am PDT

191
Tina, thanks so much, i loved james so much. Tina he told me that we should stop seeing each other temporarily without giving me a concrete reason. Is there such a thing, hes everything to me and i still love him. can i wait for him no matter how long it will take, please help.
Seppe
Apr 12 12, 1:28 am PDT

192
Thank you so mutch!! My girlfriend and I broke up yesterday and I was/am a mess. But everything what you have said, gave me an other look of living my life! I am going to be okay, thank you so much !
shadaab
Apr 14 12, 1:14 am PDT

193
tina just few minutes back i got a blow from my most loved ever in my life my jaan, i wasnt in a position to come over it i smoked n all nothing worked …when i read your article every word was just so so helpfull to me cant express…now after reading your article i got into reality some way…thanks alot for your valuable suggestion sharing
Rigo
Apr 21 12, 7:47 pm PDT

194
This is such a great article. I have been struggling with a relationship that is ending after 16 years and the views that are put forward are simple and beautiful. I feel more peace with this love that I still feel for her and it gives me a push to be more positive about moving on. The relationship is over but this love was such a great experience in my life.. I learned guitar to play her a song and now I have that gift for the rest of my life.

Thanks
Rigo
Walter
May 02 12, 4:43 pm PDT

195
Thank you abalabatemple@gmail.com for taking the time for bringing my man back to me. I went to 3 different spell casters, but only you got the job done. Like I said before I appreciate all your time, effort, and energy you put during the spell cast. He is more open and he admitted he loves me and really want to be in a relationship with me. After 2 years of seperartion we are now back THANK YOU ………WALTER
ann
May 21 12, 4:20 pm PDT

196
Thanks..I instantly feel better..
as prasaad
May 22 12, 9:27 pm PDT

197
Hi Tina,

i am grateful for your kind heart for help all the people in your blog,
i was in to relation for 6 years, i dont have a proper career,
so i quit my job, i was searching job,by that time my girl friend,
left me and went with another guy in her office,
that guy knows about me,my relation which i had with her,
once she left from life i can find myself i how much i loved her,
i could not control the pain, now i lost touch with her past 8 months, i wish to get her back ,start a new life in my ife,
please help me ,how regain my confidence,
please help me ,
please help me
Andrea
May 23 12, 6:18 pm PDT

198
The heart doesn’t have the same sense of time as our minds. What seems like yesterday’s events could actually be something that happened years ago. I know that I still come back to this article in times of doubt or when I need comfort. I still suffer with occasional battles of guilt and regret over a breakup that occurred about 2 1/2 years ago. It gets easier but I still have thoughts enter my mind about what I could’ve done differently or how I should’ve better appreciated our time together. I still hear his voice in my head and can sometimes enjoy a smile to myself when I see something that reminds me of him. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and words of advice. It helps knowing there are others in the same situation and hearing what helps to pull yourself out of the dark places a mind can take you. Thanks.
sam
May 26 12, 2:46 am PDT

199
I have been with a girl for 5 months.First we were friends but we used to chat alot and later after 2 months i proposed her, she said no first and she said let just be friends.Later after 1 month i wasnt talking to her as before then she said that she loves me too.She has been to her relatives from the last 30 days and she has just called me twice.I really miss her and text her,sumtimes she replies and sumtimes she doesnt. she keeps telling me that i have my cousins with me all the time and my uncles doesnt like girls using cell phones. I have started to think that she never loved me i was just a time pass to her as she used to be alone at her home and now that she is with her cousins and all doesnt miss me. now she also says that she is getting engaged but i dont believe her. she is gonna be back in 15 days n says that we will talk about this thing when she gets back(we havent met yet). Tel me what should i do? Does she love me? Should i wait for her or try to get over her? What should i exactly do?
Angela
May 27 12, 11:17 am PDT

200
Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge. I just suffered a breakup that I knew needed to happen. I didn’t have the courage to end things, but my partner found the courage in the arms of another woman. Not the best way for me to accept the toxicity of our relationship, but it helped him. In the four years we were together I had forgotten to love myself and exepected i get everything from him…that’s a pretty big burden for any man to bear.
Letting my heart actually break isn’t what’s going to be difficult, it’s the forgiveness that needs to occur to finally let go of all the insecurity, negativity and bad will.
I thank you from the bottom of my now shattered heart for this advice.
Keep the writing flowing, you have a gift and are meant to help others.

Thank you
Angela
prince

May 30 12, 10:42 am PDT

201
Tina, here you are again with another well written love article. As I always do, I will point out some of the points I agree with and those I don’t agree with and also provide some links that can add to readers interest and knowledge.
first, I strongly agree with you on the case that one loving one self is very important way of healing break up. it is very true and I have tried it out when I had some very hurtful moments with my woman and it really helped me out. I also love the quote you made that every relationship will end some day, either by break up or by death. it happened to be my first time of hearing that and it immediately opened my eyes to realities that the woman I so much adore, will go someday and I have to accept that. though, I have written on similar thing before but your quote is very strong. I agree with all your points except, the fact that you said one should read inspiration books. the truth is that inspiration books can only heal someone on a very temporal base and leaves you immediately you are off from the action of the inspiration book. once someone drops the inspiration books, the person is likely going to start remembering the sad moments. another point I don’t agree with is the issue of someone going on a date with oneself. believe me, any one who is heartbroken and decides to use this method, will definitely know right inside of him or her that he/she is just pretending. the person may end up crying at the scene. the point I will love to stress out here is the issue of letting go. this is very important as you said and I also recommend accepting reality that you are heartbroken. this will also go a long way to help you.
finally Tina, I will like to add that one important way of healing heartbreak is by preparing or avoiding it. one can avoid it if one prepares for it. with this method, if one experiences relationship break up, one will not really be heartbroken. I think, these links can be very helpful, one of them is on how to over-come the fear of relationship heartbreak: http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/05/how-to-over-come-fear-of-heartbreak-in.html and how to handle fear in relationship. fear is one factor that can cause multiple problems in relationships, it can even cause relationship heartbreak. so, learning how to handle can also be very helpful: http://www.trueloverelationship-advice.com/2012/03/relationship-problems-handling-fear-in.html
thanks once again Tina, you are a great writer who has patience and passion for relationship, God bless you.
Anju
Jun 10 12, 1:30 am PDT

202
Hi Tina,
I have also gone through a break up, which was a 1 year relationship. I am not interested in time pass relationships. I entered into that relationship only because I had the belief that it would work out and result in marriage. The person whom I believed well changed his mind and after many months, he told me that he was not ready to marry me. I could not believe all those and it took time for me to get back to normal. Since he broke my trust upon him, I hated him, I dont know why but I still love him and we do maintain contacts even now. When I think of how I got cheated, I again feel hatred towards him and when I think so, I used to curse him through messages.

After reading this, I now realise that I am not loving me much and I am not choosing happiness for myself. I wanted others to make me happy and I understand that now. From now onwards I would like to know me and love me well. I also want myself to make me happy. Also Im thinking now not to curse anyone for my fault. It is better to forgive than worrying about the past.

Thanks a lot Tina
Wee Ping
Jun 11 12, 6:26 pm PDT

203
Hi Tina,

I have read so many of your articles, and they have really helped me a lot.

I can reconcile with many of your advices that you have given to your readers in this article about getting over a breakup, but there is just one thing that i cant let go about my ex girlfriend.

All the intimate things that we have once shared, i just cannot let go of that lost feeling when i imagine next time she’s going to share them with another guy. Anyway i was at the worse end in the breakup, even though we talked our breakup over several times already, and im very sure she has moved on (perhaps even before we brokeup), while i am still trying hard to get it over.

Any advice? Thanks :)
Sam
Jun 18 12, 11:35 pm PDT

204
Our love was so strong, after 4 years it ended abruptly. RIP jessica
Emmie
Jun 26 12, 11:49 am PDT

205
Hi everyone… I just recently broke up with my 5yr boyfriend whom i have a baby girl with him shes 8month. He has a son his 8yrs… But when i was pregnant he would begged me to get an abortion. Yet idk why i didnt left him then i guess i was afraid of being lonely… but now as i read this article it helped me realized ive been missing alot i must love myself first before loving someone else, things happen and theres nothing much we can do from it to stop happenning. I still have feelings for my ex 5yrs together was a big number of ups & dwns.!!! But i will apply some of the stuff from this article on my daily activities. Thanks again for the help from your article.!!
ajay
Jul 11 12, 10:25 am PDT

206
Thank you for your article – really resonated with the truth in it. Am going to try the exercises.
Lucky Angel
Jul 15 12, 12:40 am PDT

207
Hey Tina,

Its just 2 days that me and my BF brokeup. We had been into lovely feelings from just 15 days and I loved him to the fullest and he too. Due to some genuine reasons that we both shared, we felt of taking such decision. And now we both have mutually agreed upon being good pals and to be there for each other always.

Acceptance of the fact makes the difference.

One thing I would like to share is that, if anyone is looking for a long term relationship, do think twice before committing to the opp person. And if you are committed, just go along. As in my case, may be its just 15 days of love, but the emotions n feelings that we have mutually shared continues to pop-up every now and then. Its very tough stage i’m undergoing.

I am sure, I will come out of the pain im undergoing with this article.

Thank you so much Tina..
Good work done by you…. Keep it up…
Feeling Lonely
Jul 15 12, 1:55 am PDT

208
Hi,
Thanks for your blog Tina. Landed at the right forum at the right time.
I m feeling very lonely after my BF broke up with me. He gave me a valid reason for the breakup but the time i spent wid him, the things i shared wid him and things i dreamt about the rest of my life, are not allowing me to come out of the pain. I m hurt to the deep of my heart.
From this blog i’ve learnt to let go things. And im very much inspired with “everything in the universe happens for a reason”.

Hope i come out of all this soon.
Thanks once again
jonyz
Jul 28 12, 11:57 am PDT

209
she suddenly said she didnt love me, so i was crazy in the head that i said which i shouldnt have said.. help me make up with her even though she’s in love with someone else.
katrina mei
Aug 24 12, 7:35 pm PDT

210
hi tina! i’ve read ur article and i love it! it made me realized the things that i’ve should and shouldn’t do. weh!
Bagh
Aug 25 12, 12:44 pm PDT

211
What a wonderful message, Tina! Thank you very much!
Anna
Aug 26 12, 5:04 am PDT

212
I dated one of my best friends from college. We had a blissful year together. All of our problems came when graduation came around, and everything was so drawn out. We thought we could get back together, but he changed his mind a week later. He felt it was too late to fix our problems, and we were both hurting too much.

I began to realize some things I didn’t see before though. He saw them. Other people saw them, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I also noticed how I’ve grown from past relationships and how much I’ll learn from this break up.

Thank you for this beautifully written article. I’ll make sure in the next days, weeks, and months that I come back to it. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t still love him, but I’m not going to resist moving forward anymore even though it’s going to be very painful. Hopefully, someday we’ll both be able to look back at this and appreciate the bad and good, but also the bad that came with the good as well.
imjanacole

Aug 27 12, 1:10 am PDT

213
I’m badly needing this kind of thread. Great to found this one. Thanks for all the useful insights.
Flaky
Sep 08 12, 3:14 pm PDT

214
I think my issue is kinda different. I just broke up wit my bf of almost 3yrs(yes, i initiated the break up). We were fighting too much,hvn several misunderstandns.i just knew i couldn’t live the rest of my life with him at a point. The issue now is dat, he loves me so much and i cant stop feeling guilty for breaking his heart.he is overly emotional and i thnk it mite affect his work and all.also i have dis huge fear that i mite neva meet someone like him. Pls how do i stop blaming myself and feeling guilt for the break up.
Dani
Sep 09 12, 5:34 am PDT

215
Hi Tina,

My best friend of 6 years, boyfriend of over 4 and a half, and fiance for 2 just ended our relationship two days ago. Unlike a lot of people, I’m not bitter or angry. I’m outrageously sad and grieving for what I’ve lost, but I understand why it happened, and I know that it had to happen. We want two very different things out of life, and they’re just incompatible. He was trying to squeeze himself into the future I wanted for myself, and it just wasn’t fair. We ended the relationship with lots and lots of love, and no resentment or anger. That doesn’t make it any less difficult, though.

I’m putting this article as my homepage, so I see it every time I open up Chrome. It’s the only valuable thing I’ve read since Friday, and I think it’ll help a lot in the coming months.

We started out our relationship as best friends, and while we ended it as lovers, we hope that we can one day be friends again. We just make excellent friends.

Anyway, I doubt anyone will read this. But it felt good being able to type it out without crying. I’ve been doing enough of that this weekend, and I’m ready to try and fill that Ryan-shaped hole in my life with other things, like love for myself. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Ryan, and that’s okay. I just also need to make sure to focus that love on myself and leave room to love other people, too.
Tina Su

Sep 10 12, 8:47 am PDT

216
Thank you for sharing Dani. I do read every comment that comes through, even if I don’t always respond. I always whisper a word of prayer. Thank you for sharing your story here… and I know you will get over this in time. My biggest heartbreaks have turned out to be my biggest teachers. And life is better now because of those experiences.

Love,
Tina
Alexis
Sep 11 12, 9:01 pm PDT

217
The past two weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster for me right now that I’m at the point where I want to scream at the top of my lungs for it all to stop and let me off. My boyfriend and I have had several ups and downs and or 8 month relationship that I can responsibly say were my fault, I’m a 22 year old who has yet mentally and spiritually had the maturity I needed (or think I needed) to have the relationship I wanted from him. He’s a person who’s been in and out of relationships and I’m someone fresh out the gate and just starting out, my mother was a heavy believer in me not dating till I was 18 and older in the past I tried to reason with her at that age but there was no getting through. And I feel now it stunted my growth in a way, it didn’t give me time to have my heart broken and for me to learn the lessons I would need to have to go into a real committed relationship with someone now. I always pictured the person I met would be something out of a storybook or cheesy love story, when the day came and we met, he was everything I asked for we hit it off so well when we first started talking. Before things got serious he bent over backwards to do what he can to get me to school on time regardless of how his schedule looked.
To make a long story short I feel I did great disservice to him by not being up front and honest and expressing my insecurities because I was afraid it would scare him off, I had so much love for this guy I hid things about myself because I wanted this to work. Over time these secrets and insecurities found other ways out by me lashing out at him and just having such an attitude with him, which left him confused and frustrated because it felt it was him when in all honesty it was me. Time after time we had broken up and I asked for another chance for me to change what I need to fix, but I failed each and every time. And now I feel I have done so much damage there is no room for forgiveness and recovery for us to have a relationship again, for the past days now I’ve engrossed my head into the Life Lessons on Oprah’s new channel and I’ve studied and realized parts about myself that I want to turn around and speak to him about , but he so much doesn’t want to see me and our conversations over the phone are so dry and awkward now I’m left with the shame and guilt of what I’ve done every time he pops into my mind.
I’m so heartbroken that I lost something very great and positive in my life, what is there to do now?
I’ve read this blog entry several times and its brought me some comfort and I started to apply portions of it into my life now and it temporally relieves the pain, but at the end of the day he finds his way back into my thoughts what do I do at this point? I’m finding it tough to even function around my family and friends, all I want to do lay down and cry and cry some more.

What I’m saying is no matter what I do the pain of the break up seems to overwhelm me and null out all the hard work I put into that day.
May
Sep 12 12, 8:24 pm PDT

218
Tina your words are trully comforting, I thank God that He spoke through you. Before reading this I had so much resentment and pain in my heart that I was actually experiencing PHYSICAL pain, which is what led me to type my call for help on the internet. All I hope now is that my ex-boyfriend/bestfriend realizes the truth of your words one way or another.
Esther
Sep 20 12, 7:29 am PDT

219
I’m currently experiencing a really hard breakup en I have to say that these are the most insightful words I’ve ever read… Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Julie
Oct 10 12, 8:31 am PDT

220
This is really helpful, Tina. I’m going through a break up right now and hurting so much. :’( I’ll take one/some of your advices, starting with reading a book. The least it will do is occupy my time so I’m not hiding in my room — wailing.
Anmol Narang
Nov 15 12, 4:41 am PDT

221
It’s a great topic, not only for who are broken from their relationship breakup but for those also, who are away from their families and friends for some reasons and unable to handle the situation.

I am quite impressed with the article and will try the same in my life also. Thanks Guys for sharing your experiences also.
Joanne Brocas

Jan 12 13, 2:42 pm PDT

222
One thing we must not forget is that each individual has responsibilities and not one person suffers. Everyone suffers differently but this is great information to help you get over the difficulties.
Donna Evans
Feb 16 13, 3:09 pm PDT

223
I loved everything that you have said in this article. From the history and telling why we get a painful feeling after a break up. Personally I myself took time before it finally healed. We cannot makes things happen in an instant, especially recovery. It is also true that reading inspirational books would help and uplift your broken spirit. When I had my breakup, I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here http://keeplovelasting.com/getting-over-breakup/13-02-16h .
Tanu
Mar 04 13, 2:24 am PDT

224
Hi Tina,
I m married. I am having a kid. Early days of my marriage is so beautiful. He loves me so much. But my husband got a friend who is working in his office after my marriage. Initially their relationship was good. He was teaching her office matters. He was like a teacher. But later on he gives more importance to her than us. He will be always thinking about her welfare. He spends most of the time mentally thinking about her. And this became a topic to fight for every day, even now. I am having a full trust on him. I am very possessive on him. Later i told him that i don’t like your friendship with her. He said, i m not doing any fault. And said whatever you want you can do and see my reactions for it. Now he tells me, he is not loving me that much now as before. And asking me to stop loving him. Now a days he is not hearing any of my words. He is insulting me. I love him so much. I want him back as my old one. All these things are running in my mind every day. I cannot go with the other daily works. I cant even able to see my child. I am very depressed. Help me.
Donna Evans
Mar 11 13, 6:52 am PDT

225
I loved everything that you have said in this article. From the history and telling why we get a painful feeling after a break up. Personally I myself took time before it finally healed. We cannot make things happen in an instant, especially recovery. It is also true that reading inspirational books would help and uplift your broken spirit. When I had my breakup, I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here http://keeplovelasting.com/getting-over-breakup/13-02-16h .
Zack
Mar 15 13, 11:26 pm PDT

226
I get the part where you say that “since we are all made of love,” and the other person just helps to channel this love that is within us.

Then why is it that not every other person of the opposite sex has the capability to bring out that love from within us.
Why cant we let anyone (for eg. a person who is unattractive to us ) bring out the love within us.
????
Donna Evans
Mar 18 13, 10:51 am PDT

227
Talking is the best way to get over a break up and almost anything! When you break up it seems the world comes crashing down on you. However, remember that you’re not alone and that you’ll get through it. I read here http://keeplovelasting.com/getting-over-breakup/13-03-18i it’s good to keep busy and not spend too much time by yourself.

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