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How to Get Over a Break Up

Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below.

Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person – what can I do?

Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”.

Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense.

In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more.

Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own self-improvement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person.

The Origins of Love and Pain

Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends.

Photo: melissa

I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.

Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love. We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as:

  • A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly.
  • Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming.
  • Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group.
  • Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you.
  • During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.)

When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain.

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

When it comes to love,
you need not fall but rather surrender,
surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
before you can absolutely trust another
and most importantly you must accept your flaws
before you can accept the flaws of another.

~ Philosophy: Falling in Love
My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first.

In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our self-worth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term.

Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely.

By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

7 Tips Getting Over a Break Up

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Letting Go

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

  • Talking about it with a friend.
  • Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
  • Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
  • Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
  • Writing in a journal (more on this later).
  • Exercise and body movement.
  • Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

  • Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
  • Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
  • Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

  • “I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.'”
  • “LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
  • “The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

  • Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
  • Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Here are some recommended books:

Parting Words: Healing from Breakup

Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
Tom Stine

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships.

Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it.

No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are un-able to handle it.

For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth – when you do that, nothing is lost.

All is well, and so be it.

** What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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283 thoughts on How to Get Over a Break Up

  1. Feeling Lonely

    Thanks for your blog Tina. Landed at the right forum at the right time.
    I m feeling very lonely after my BF broke up with me. He gave me a valid reason for the breakup but the time i spent wid him, the things i shared wid him and things i dreamt about the rest of my life, are not allowing me to come out of the pain. I m hurt to the deep of my heart.
    From this blog i’ve learnt to let go things. And im very much inspired with “everything in the universe happens for a reason”.

    Hope i come out of all this soon.
    Thanks once again

  2. jonyz

    she suddenly said she didnt love me, so i was crazy in the head that i said which i shouldnt have said.. help me make up with her even though she’s in love with someone else.

  3. katrina mei

    hi tina! i’ve read ur article and i love it! it made me realized the things that i’ve should and shouldn’t do. weh!

  4. Bagh

    What a wonderful message, Tina! Thank you very much!

  5. Anna

    I dated one of my best friends from college. We had a blissful year together. All of our problems came when graduation came around, and everything was so drawn out. We thought we could get back together, but he changed his mind a week later. He felt it was too late to fix our problems, and we were both hurting too much.

    I began to realize some things I didn’t see before though. He saw them. Other people saw them, but I wasn’t ready to let go. I also noticed how I’ve grown from past relationships and how much I’ll learn from this break up.

    Thank you for this beautifully written article. I’ll make sure in the next days, weeks, and months that I come back to it. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t still love him, but I’m not going to resist moving forward anymore even though it’s going to be very painful. Hopefully, someday we’ll both be able to look back at this and appreciate the bad and good, but also the bad that came with the good as well.

  6. I’m badly needing this kind of thread. Great to found this one. Thanks for all the useful insights.

  7. Flaky

    I think my issue is kinda different. I just broke up wit my bf of almost 3yrs(yes, i initiated the break up). We were fighting too much,hvn several misunderstandns.i just knew i couldn’t live the rest of my life with him at a point. The issue now is dat, he loves me so much and i cant stop feeling guilty for breaking his heart.he is overly emotional and i thnk it mite affect his work and all.also i have dis huge fear that i mite neva meet someone like him. Pls how do i stop blaming myself and feeling guilt for the break up.

  8. Dani

    Hi Tina,

    My best friend of 6 years, boyfriend of over 4 and a half, and fiance for 2 just ended our relationship two days ago. Unlike a lot of people, I’m not bitter or angry. I’m outrageously sad and grieving for what I’ve lost, but I understand why it happened, and I know that it had to happen. We want two very different things out of life, and they’re just incompatible. He was trying to squeeze himself into the future I wanted for myself, and it just wasn’t fair. We ended the relationship with lots and lots of love, and no resentment or anger. That doesn’t make it any less difficult, though.

    I’m putting this article as my homepage, so I see it every time I open up Chrome. It’s the only valuable thing I’ve read since Friday, and I think it’ll help a lot in the coming months.

    We started out our relationship as best friends, and while we ended it as lovers, we hope that we can one day be friends again. We just make excellent friends.

    Anyway, I doubt anyone will read this. But it felt good being able to type it out without crying. I’ve been doing enough of that this weekend, and I’m ready to try and fill that Ryan-shaped hole in my life with other things, like love for myself. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Ryan, and that’s okay. I just also need to make sure to focus that love on myself and leave room to love other people, too.

    • Thank you for sharing Dani. I do read every comment that comes through, even if I don’t always respond. I always whisper a word of prayer. Thank you for sharing your story here… and I know you will get over this in time. My biggest heartbreaks have turned out to be my biggest teachers. And life is better now because of those experiences.


  9. Alexis

    The past two weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster for me right now that I’m at the point where I want to scream at the top of my lungs for it all to stop and let me off. My boyfriend and I have had several ups and downs and or 8 month relationship that I can responsibly say were my fault, I’m a 22 year old who has yet mentally and spiritually had the maturity I needed (or think I needed) to have the relationship I wanted from him. He’s a person who’s been in and out of relationships and I’m someone fresh out the gate and just starting out, my mother was a heavy believer in me not dating till I was 18 and older in the past I tried to reason with her at that age but there was no getting through. And I feel now it stunted my growth in a way, it didn’t give me time to have my heart broken and for me to learn the lessons I would need to have to go into a real committed relationship with someone now. I always pictured the person I met would be something out of a storybook or cheesy love story, when the day came and we met, he was everything I asked for we hit it off so well when we first started talking. Before things got serious he bent over backwards to do what he can to get me to school on time regardless of how his schedule looked.
    To make a long story short I feel I did great disservice to him by not being up front and honest and expressing my insecurities because I was afraid it would scare him off, I had so much love for this guy I hid things about myself because I wanted this to work. Over time these secrets and insecurities found other ways out by me lashing out at him and just having such an attitude with him, which left him confused and frustrated because it felt it was him when in all honesty it was me. Time after time we had broken up and I asked for another chance for me to change what I need to fix, but I failed each and every time. And now I feel I have done so much damage there is no room for forgiveness and recovery for us to have a relationship again, for the past days now I’ve engrossed my head into the Life Lessons on Oprah’s new channel and I’ve studied and realized parts about myself that I want to turn around and speak to him about , but he so much doesn’t want to see me and our conversations over the phone are so dry and awkward now I’m left with the shame and guilt of what I’ve done every time he pops into my mind.
    I’m so heartbroken that I lost something very great and positive in my life, what is there to do now?
    I’ve read this blog entry several times and its brought me some comfort and I started to apply portions of it into my life now and it temporally relieves the pain, but at the end of the day he finds his way back into my thoughts what do I do at this point? I’m finding it tough to even function around my family and friends, all I want to do lay down and cry and cry some more.

    What I’m saying is no matter what I do the pain of the break up seems to overwhelm me and null out all the hard work I put into that day.

  10. May

    Tina your words are trully comforting, I thank God that He spoke through you. Before reading this I had so much resentment and pain in my heart that I was actually experiencing PHYSICAL pain, which is what led me to type my call for help on the internet. All I hope now is that my ex-boyfriend/bestfriend realizes the truth of your words one way or another.

  11. Esther

    I’m currently experiencing a really hard breakup en I have to say that these are the most insightful words I’ve ever read… Thank you, thank you, thank you…

  12. Julie

    This is really helpful, Tina. I’m going through a break up right now and hurting so much. :'( I’ll take one/some of your advices, starting with reading a book. The least it will do is occupy my time so I’m not hiding in my room — wailing.

  13. Anmol Narang

    It’s a great topic, not only for who are broken from their relationship breakup but for those also, who are away from their families and friends for some reasons and unable to handle the situation.

    I am quite impressed with the article and will try the same in my life also. Thanks Guys for sharing your experiences also.

  14. One thing we must not forget is that each individual has responsibilities and not one person suffers. Everyone suffers differently but this is great information to help you get over the difficulties.

  15. Donna Evans

    I loved everything that you have said in this article. From the history and telling why we get a painful feeling after a break up. Personally I myself took time before it finally healed. We cannot makes things happen in an instant, especially recovery. It is also true that reading inspirational books would help and uplift your broken spirit. When I had my breakup, I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here .

  16. Tanu

    Hi Tina,
    I m married. I am having a kid. Early days of my marriage is so beautiful. He loves me so much. But my husband got a friend who is working in his office after my marriage. Initially their relationship was good. He was teaching her office matters. He was like a teacher. But later on he gives more importance to her than us. He will be always thinking about her welfare. He spends most of the time mentally thinking about her. And this became a topic to fight for every day, even now. I am having a full trust on him. I am very possessive on him. Later i told him that i don’t like your friendship with her. He said, i m not doing any fault. And said whatever you want you can do and see my reactions for it. Now he tells me, he is not loving me that much now as before. And asking me to stop loving him. Now a days he is not hearing any of my words. He is insulting me. I love him so much. I want him back as my old one. All these things are running in my mind every day. I cannot go with the other daily works. I cant even able to see my child. I am very depressed. Help me.

  17. Donna Evans

    I loved everything that you have said in this article. From the history and telling why we get a painful feeling after a break up. Personally I myself took time before it finally healed. We cannot make things happen in an instant, especially recovery. It is also true that reading inspirational books would help and uplift your broken spirit. When I had my breakup, I also took a hot/cold shower and THAT really helped. Weird, but worked. Read about it here .

  18. Zack

    I get the part where you say that “since we are all made of love,” and the other person just helps to channel this love that is within us.

    Then why is it that not every other person of the opposite sex has the capability to bring out that love from within us.
    Why cant we let anyone (for eg. a person who is unattractive to us ) bring out the love within us.

  19. Donna Evans

    Talking is the best way to get over a break up and almost anything! When you break up it seems the world comes crashing down on you. However, remember that you’re not alone and that you’ll get through it. I read here it’s good to keep busy and not spend too much time by yourself.

  20. I like Donna’s comment about having a shower helped her get over a break up. Maybe it was subconsciously cleansing and washing away the past.

    The thing is, we can all make recommendations to someone based on our own experiences of recovering from a break up. But it’s also what you personally use to lift your spirits.
    Getting over a break up is allowing yourself to grieve, it’s a process and we all recover from relationship break ups in our own unique way.

    • Gavin scofield

      I have been reading all this as I can not sleep. I keep thinking about my ex and keep hoping she will start missing me and come back to me. It is strange but even myself a few months ago thought this realaitionship is not right and I need to get out of it. She ended the it herself 3 weeks ago but I feel very down and it feels like there is a big gap in my life. Yes I was in love with her and that’s why I could not walkway . I need to do what this site has said and start to love myself and move on and stop waiting for her as it might not happen that she comes back for me, so I need to love myself be happy and relaxed then I will find a new love as I will be a more upbeat person. It will take time I know and when I see that light at the end of the tunnel I can start sleeping again.

  21. After reading some parts of your stories…I still find it very hard to get over my recent (7 months ago…just b4 Christmas!) breakup with my girlfriend,who had been preparing for it,for months,with out anything happening…she has a ..built in temper of devastating prepotions…and her verbals announced that regularly..even in the car,when I was driving her,she would open the door,and want to get out..whilst the car was in motion!!!
    Her irregullar screams of…in the car…”I HATE YOU!”…often..tore into me,and now the end results,are having a negative effect on my emotional side of me…she has 3 grown up girls,and divorced her ex because he drank too much….she is well off financially,and her family assisted her,in …breaking us up….this all tore me wide open..and the pangs of …inner healing are like a wound trying to open up…I so desire to want to be able to love again,but seems too much damage has been done…suicide has not left my thoughts,though I stay clear of silly such things….
    In all,why do men like me lose such love…and struggle to get over it…goodness,I am only 61…..any answers?

  22. I would like to add…we met on new years day..,fell in love…(if thats what you call it…because we hugged,and when I …let go…she hung on!..she has titinus..ringing of both ears by the way)but wont wear aids…4 years later,after 2 family breavements,her side..(in one year)..I get told…to go…yes…strangely enough,I still love her…not just because it was an initmate relationship,with poss of marriage….but I had never felt like this before,and I have been married before…does THAT mean anything????
    If any one of you mature females would like to comment,make it positive please….I am ex rsa,and she is uk…

  23. xxxxxxxxxx

    yo, i’ll try what you said.the answer is sometime obvious, listen to your heart!!

  24. Art

    I found that community was really helpful. The website was great because it could be anonymous but there was always a new empathetic person to lean on. Good resource. For me at least.

  25. Yen

    thank you for the article.
    i was having a really bad day because of my rs woos.
    it really shed light on how i need to pick up the pieces and move on.

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