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How to Get Over a Break Up

Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below.

Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person – what can I do?

Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”.

Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense.

In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more.

Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own self-improvement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person.

The Origins of Love and Pain

Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends.

breakup1.jpg
Photo: melissa

I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.

Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love. We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as:

  • A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly.
  • Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming.
  • Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group.
  • Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you.
  • During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.)

When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain.

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

When it comes to love,
you need not fall but rather surrender,
surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
before you can absolutely trust another
and most importantly you must accept your flaws
before you can accept the flaws of another.

~ Philosophy: Falling in Love
My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first.

In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our self-worth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term.

Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely.

By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

7 Tips Getting Over a Break Up

breakup3.jpg
Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Letting Go

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

  • Talking about it with a friend.
  • Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
  • Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
  • Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
  • Writing in a journal (more on this later).
  • Exercise and body movement.
  • Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

  • Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
  • Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
  • Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

  • “I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.'”
  • “LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
  • “The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

breakup4.jpg
Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

  • Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
  • Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Here are some recommended books:

Parting Words: Healing from Breakup

Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
Tom Stine

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships.

Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it.

No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are un-able to handle it.

For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth – when you do that, nothing is lost.

All is well, and so be it.

** What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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283 thoughts on How to Get Over a Break Up

  1. tracy pillinger

    this is just totally amazing…it really is simple thinking but makes so much sense..i felt better instantly

  2. craig

    The article was very reflective and gave some good pointers on how to deal with the break up and all the bad stuff that goes with it. I really thank God for the internet so someone going through the heart-ache can get some simple yet effective strategies to cope, especially just after the bomb dropped. It took me a few days before I could think clear enough after my breakup before I had the sense to “google” all this stuff. There are also some very helpful stuff on youtube that are priceless…just search for “how to cope with a break up?”
    I wish I had found all this stuff the day it happened, especially the stuff which gives you clear directions on what NOT to do after the breakup, which we all do; like begging, losing your self respect, texting them a hundred times, etc. It just makes it worst and drives them further away. If you wanting to get them back one thing that we all need to do is STOP any contact with them. I wont go into why here, plenty of stuff about this on the NET. If you do this and you are meant to be together, they will contact you…but DON’T be needy when they do. Sound like you are O.K. (even if you are not) and make the conversation upbeat and positive and DON’T ask for a follow up call. Another thing I want to say thats helping me get through is finding a life lesson from the bad experience…what did I do wrong?…could I have been better? etc. Write it down. Trust me, you may have lost this one but you may just save the next one, which may be the real one. DON’T do what I have done and many others have done and make the same stupid and selfish mistakes over and over. And I tell you what I also learnt…the grass is NOT greener on the other side…it may seem that way but 99% of the time its not. Cherish the one you are with, accept them with all their positives and negatives and live in the NOW…don’t be too worried about the past or the future…if you are happy with your loved one NOW then rejoice and be thankful…there’s no other precious gift that’s so valuable.

  3. Shat

    You know i never felt much better but hey dont forget music has the power too…..

  4. Shovon Kumar Pramanik

    hi,

    I am a computer professional and I am 26 years old…I had a girlfriend and our relationships continued for last 5 years.In the year 2010….she is admitted as a medical college student.She is very beautiful.Meanwihile I have lost bulk of my hair…so i dont look smart as before….Moreover she wants a doctor to marry…..so she breaks up with me…..although I requested her not to play with me.But she left me alone….the last one month I feel tremendous pain…..but now I am feeling easy……………The above articles give me lot of courage to live my life again…..

  5. I wish I had found all this stuff the day it happened, especially the stuff which gives you clear directions on what NOT to do after the breakup, which we all do; like begging, losing your self respect, texting them a hundred times, etc. It just makes it worst and drives them further away. If you wanting to get them back one thing that we all need to do is STOP any contact with them.

  6. Chloe

    Hi Tina, can you write a post on how to rebuild self confidence and self esteem/self worth after a break up?

  7. mary12

    i’ve done a lot of writing in my journal after having recently cut off contact with a boyfriend. i hope the following realization will help even one other person think about things in a more positive way:
    i think what’s really going to help me through this is thinking in terms of energy. i had become used to putting so much time and energy and thought into maintaining a relationship. with that person now gone and having the the relationship vanish, i am left with this energy that i don’t know what to do with. i’m reminded of how i think that everyone has a certain level of stress that suits them. here, my constant has been altered. there are different ways i can invest the energy that is no longer going towards one area of my life–i guess it’s just about making sure i channel it into the best activities and choices, so i can start making those more of a part of my life while i’m making this adjustment. that’s all it is really–an adjustment.

    note: i don’t mean to trivialize breaking up. i’ll be the first to admit it’s not easy, but a shift in perspective is worth considering.

  8. andrew franko

    i just got dumped cause my gf thought i was dateing another girl when i wasent ;( im so heart broken i want to kill myself so bad;(

  9. tweetie

    Thank you for your inspiring article. It has helped me so much through my break up. I read it every morning and night and it helps keep me strong.Thank you,,

    I am beginning to start my journey of self healing, to love myself more and to forgive and love him instead of hold built up resentment and guilt.

    I feel so relieved like a big stormy cloud has just been lifted from me. I know i will learn from this break up and it will turn me into a wiser more mature person and set me up for my next relationship.

    Thank you once again for helping me. =)

  10. Lani

    My name is Lani, i just broke up with my bf of 3 years. we both have been so much in life and yesterday he just told me that he is unhappy because he is not giving me what i want in life. what i wanted was him only. i am deeply inlove with this guy and when he said that to me i felt like killing myself because i was hurt and felt like nothing at all. i could not go to sleep at night because i don’t feel anything, its freezing cold but even that i can’t feel it because that’s how devastated i was. i dealt with break ups before but when this happend i could not deal with it myself. he was my life and everything to me. i don’t feel tired eventhogh i havnt had a sleep and im having my xcam tomorrow for social welfare and im not ready.
    after reading this it helps me alot to move on eventhogh it will take heaps of time to heal but il try my best.

    thank you so much for this great add.

  11. alex

    Ive recently experienced a painful break up.
    Not only the break up but the relationship was filled with pain,confusion,hurt, my essence was changed (i submitted and allowed so much darkness)

    I am a 27 year old male living in the caribbean with a spanish background.

    I meet Angela during the final rocky point in my marriage,she knew i was married however we found satisfaction in one another leading to physical relations the first night we went out(2 days after we meet)I now realise she just wanted to sleep with me and well me I just wanted comfort.There was something really exotic in her very sexuall that overwhelmed me,she also developed an interest in me that flattered my soul,lifted me up(Angela is a colombian entrepenur desired by most men all over the world,proven through our travels)

    This was all such a rush for me,i pushed for my seperation without focusing on why she was even attracted to me.
    Angela pushed for me to move in with her explaining that she wanted me close to her(she was very lonely), i resisted at first explaining that we should give it time however she tested my commitment and interest in her,i gave in.

    We had a tremendous amount of amazing sex,i believe this confused us both.After a short period of time(days after moving in) i realised that i missed and felt extremely guilty for pushing away my wife, i cried in private knowing Angela would not understand, she had already started to bash my ex’s especially my wife.

    We spent alot of time together, lunches every day,nites out and as effective as this time spent togther should have been at connecting i realised really early that i was understanding her but she was ignoring my self truth,she told me of a painful childhood filled with sexual abuse from an early age..not sure if it was true however my heart reached out to her, i wanted to protect her,care for her.

    After a short period of time i learnt of her past which she has an obbsession with, speaking of a gentleman she dated for many years she was 16 when they meet he was 35,he took her from Colombia to a new world of riches,sex,infidelity and physical abuse.She called him papi.

    A few weeks after moving in with her having already dealt with obsessive x’s (as she called them) sending vulgar text’s (she always defened their actions as reckless and painful to me as i explained them to be )and her papi apparently calling all the time and according to her wanting her back, I had two friends over hoping we would all hang out and she would see a bit into me…she spent this time in her room and would not even consider spending this time together….rather than that she told me she was going out with a friend,i accepted this and she left,3am came around and no Angela ..i called her mobile several times and no answer..she eventually called me at 4oclock am explaining she was by a freinds house and that she wanted to sleep there I said no and demanded she come home after all i was not going to sleep alone in a home that she begged me to move in to.When she got home i asked what happened,where was she….she lied to me (I couldnt believe it) i picked up on the lie and demanded the truth, she explained that she had visited her papi’s house because he was claiming to be sick and felt so guilty afterwards that she didnt want to come home spending this time at her friends place.

    I tried to understand her lying to myslef that she would not ignore my feelings and be so selfish.

    This pushed me to think of my wife….this experience leads on to alot of pain and if you would like to hear it all please email me at alex.mejia@candw.ky, I am simply seeking strong and wise words as my soul at this point feels almost owned by someone else.

  12. David

    @Alex
    Note that she goes on about your “obsessive ex’s” yet is clearly obsessed with her own ex. This points to little self-awareness, lots of blame and avoidance, and nothing there to be aware of your needs.

    You might want to consider there is 2 things at play here. You have a wounded heart, regret, and so forth. But by some of things you say, you probably also have an energetic connection with her. This happens naturally when we have sex with people. But some are what Judith Orloff calls Energy Vampires. They rob our energy to feed their own dramas and catch us up in the dramas. We might say a walking time bomb in a nice package.

    The best thing you can do is disengage from her. Don’t let her draw you back in or let her charms fool you. She may offer great sex but the rest of it sounds like a mess. Give yourself some time for yourself. Behind the noise and drama, you have your original relationship to heal. That’s not going to happen in someone elses drama. Especially if they’re taking your energy for themselves.

    With some healing, you’ll have clarity and can then make better choices.

  13. Why do people always suggest this self-sacrificing crap as a way to get over a break-up. The Universe does not make mistakes? You learned all you could from each other? Nonsense. Firstly, people make mistakes all the time, and there are quite a number of breakups and divorces that happen because the person leaving is making a mistake in leaving someone that loves them in the hope that there’s greener grass elsewhere. Its got nothing to do with the Universe. Is it that difficult to, I don’t know, be committed. That’s what real love is about. Maybe you don’t feel connected at a certain time, but so what. You stay anyway and work it out, not be lazy and leave.

    I got left after 7yrs, and every sign that we were an excellent match. But she walked away. Why do I have to love her at my own expense? Why should I sit here and wish her all this happiness even if its at my emotional expense? I never hear people saying the opposite. I.E. tell the person that wants to leave to stay in relationship if they love someone. If you love them, you’ll want them to be happy even without you??? How about if you love them, you’ll find a way to recapture the connection you had. Let them love at their own expense. get what I’m saying.

    Assuming a couple were compatible, like me and my ex, then there is no valid reason short of cheating, abuse, or serious change in underlying values and personality to break-up. You’re supposed to work through it. Those that dont, usually just refuse to do so, and in my mind are selfish people.

  14. David

    @Joe
    I’ve been left a couple of times. And while it’s true it may be a cop-out as they’re unwilling to deal with something, the fact that they left indicates they didn’t find the relationship as fulfilling or “compatible” as you did. If you assume your partner experiences everything just like you do, you’ll continue to not meet them in the middle and get blindsided when they bail.

    Relationships take a lot of work. They also take a willingness from both sides to meet in the middle. If you put it all on them, you’ll miss what you brought to the table in this. Maybe it was as simple as you not being able to meet some need of theirs that grew with it’s unfulfillment. For example, some people like more security, others like lots of variety. They may be happy with security at first but soon find it stifling. It’s not that preferring security is wrong but it won’t be satisfying for the other.

    You wont learn anything if you simply blame them or yourself. If you do learn, the next relationship will be better. If you don’t, you’ll just have the same experience again.

    The idea with forgiveness is not that its at your expense. Your holding blame against them is what’s at your expense. That takes a lot of energy. The idea is let that go so you become ready for another, better relationship.

  15. No, need. The only thing that would have my relationship better is someone that did not leave me. And that can’t be guaranteed. Hell, if it was possible it would not have happened this time. I’ll just stay away from relationships. I can’t get what I want–a guarantee–so it best to leave alone.

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