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How to Get Over a Break Up

Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below.

Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person – what can I do?

Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”.

Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense.

In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more.

Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own self-improvement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person.

The Origins of Love and Pain

Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends.

breakup1.jpg
Photo: melissa

I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.

Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life – love. We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as:

  • A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly.
  • Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming.
  • Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group.
  • Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you.
  • During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.)

When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can – at last – keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change – not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain.

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

When it comes to love,
you need not fall but rather surrender,
surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
before you can absolutely trust another
and most importantly you must accept your flaws
before you can accept the flaws of another.

~ Philosophy: Falling in Love
My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first.

In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our self-worth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term.

Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely.

By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

7 Tips Getting Over a Break Up

breakup3.jpg
Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Letting Go

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

  • Talking about it with a friend.
  • Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
  • Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
  • Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
  • Writing in a journal (more on this later).
  • Exercise and body movement.
  • Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

  • Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
  • Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes – maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
  • Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
  • Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

  • “I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing – when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break – really, really break, it will transform you.'”
  • “LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
  • “The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

breakup4.jpg
Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

  • Drill into the why – Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
  • Finding the Lessons – What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Here are some recommended books:

Parting Words: Healing from Breakup

Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
Tom Stine

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships.

Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it.

No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are un-able to handle it.

For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth – when you do that, nothing is lost.

All is well, and so be it.

** What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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283 thoughts on How to Get Over a Break Up

  1. Myra

    I first read this article 1 year ago and commented on it. It’s been a hard year, but yet a year of personal growth, tears and smiles.
    I grew up, I learned to accept as is, to accept that everything has a reason and that we have no control over certain things.

    I still love my ex. He is beautiful and I will keep loving him, yet I moved on. I see my future as full of blessings, yet my present is ever precious. I love me and my friends and family and that is all I can do, is love and hope that I can find someone to share my love with.

  2. Hayley

    Powerful. I actually printed it so I can carry it around with me..

    So, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through; My fiance was my everything and he just left me without a blink of an eye. He told me yesterday that he would always love me and that he just needed to “soul search”. Well, needless to say, my guy friends tell me that’s code for “another girl”. All in all, this is the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life. I was in love, head over heels, and never happier. Sucks to know that he was feeling this way without me not having a clue. Just last week I had a note from him expressing how much he loved me. So ridiculous and So lonely. I want to take this time to invest and make it into something “good” and “positive” but all I’m not at the point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nonetheless, I am still staying at the same house we just got together- so, that makes things more difficult. I just sleep on the couch and pray for this nightmare to just end. It’s so depressing to just see your whole life thrown away because your other half can’t do it anymore… it’s awful and by far the worst experience… I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy.

    Lastly, thank you for this article- I needed this boost.

  3. omi

    I’m readn this article in a restaurant my x and brokup afta 4 years, its been 2 weeks and I told her I wait here for an hour if she doesn’t I will know its over, and she hasn’t come

  4. alex

    @Hayley

    Hayley positive thoughts are your friend at the moment.

    Consider the good times with your ex and rather than feel the sadness based on the need of this comfort, focus on the fact that it did happen.
    your soul is need of a smile so reflect on your past relationship(your doing it anyway) and smile at the great times. Understand what it all meant to your soul, what things you were able to learn and appreciate about a relationship.you have the focus to make this a very positive time to gather strength and determination out of this situation.
    yes it does hurt however that emotion comes from self pity…your special…. :-0 know that(we all are) learn to love yourself a little bit more than the present situation.

    Doesn’t feel like it at the moment but you will walk out of this much stronger…im sure of it.

  5. Larry

    Hi My name is “Larry” just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce… I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn’t want to loose her but everything just didn’t work out… she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days she called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… You can email me on larryjms49 at gmail dot com to get the spell caster’s contact… Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

  6. Mjc

    Tina, what a timely article! Thank you so much!
    @Hayley – Almost exactly the same thing happened with me – my fiance broke up with me last week…and I had no clue it was going to happen, so it was a complete shock.. Just the night before the breakup, we’d talked about how much we love each other, and were looking forward to the wedding. It also hurts that he actually told his parents about the breakup before telling me – I’ve no idea why he did that. What’s worse is that he has SLE (lupus).. and I was the one providing him with support and strength and unconditional love all this while…and we’ve had such a beautiful relationship and we’ve always been there for each other. I’ve been telling myself that his stress levels/coping threshold/sense of judgement must be really messed up coz of the lupus.. and am trying to forgive him completely and move on. I feel sorry for him, and upset about us at the same time, but I’m hoping time will take care of that as well.

    I’m so glad I came across this article..it’s helped a lot.

  7. Anne

    This was a great article, but like Chase, I have some other opinions. I think it is WONDERFUL to fully love yourself and achieving this can be a process. However, sometimes you want your partner to make you feel special and I don’t think that is TOO much to ask for.

    There should be a balance of love for yourself and love for your partner.

    I guess in the end realizing that you and your partner are no longer enriching one another’s life can make it plain and clear.

    Loving yourself is a great way to shift the focus and attention in order to heal, but I don’t think it’s all.

    Perhaps the helpless romantic in me wants to believe a little bit more in true love. Not just “Love is born, lives, and dies”. Blech! That tales the excitement out of it!

    Sure it won’t always work, but I won’t give up. I will continue to love myself and search for someone who can better love me the way I desire.

  8. humbug

    love is just an illusion of the mind. it feels like your heart has been smashed in pieces and maybe it has. it’s just a major waste of time. thats what i feel currently, and yes same situation – break up.

  9. lazarus

    Dated a girl for a year and a half and got dumped and then after three years she really wanted to get back with me and so i did and i got dumped again within a month……i am mostly disappionted as i made a fool out of myself twice…..and even though above tips must be effective but i dont think they can help as i feel disppointed , basically she has rankled my peace of my mind…….open to any suggeations which will help me to get over with irritating state i am in

  10. Priscy

    Hi Tina,

    Thank you for your article on getting over breakups. Im glad i get to read the 7 tips on getting over breakups. the point 3 and 4 has really heal my pains and also help me to get over the emotional trauma i have been through all these years. I never knew i could get to forgive my ex, not much more loving him. But your article help me to see that, it was the only way out of the pains i was having inside. thank you for helping me get over it.

    priscy.

  11. Geily

    This is a great article, and i just broke up with my boyfriend and the reason is because we argue way too much and i love him very much and i did it for both of us, so were not stuck in this circle its terrible and i had a relationship a while ago where i kept being there trying and trying thinking things were going to be different but at the end it was worst this current relationship we were together for 9 months and yes you may be super attracted to someone but if your characters are the same your always going to clash and its a terrible cycle and i am great at loving my self very much!!! i trust myself 100% so i know i will be fine and i do see the positive of every situation i learn a lot from life and its bad that we adults forget when we get bigger that the world is a play ground n we forget to play and just act addicting and crazy towards each other. I always believe that God has that someone for each one of us and it will come one day when we least expect it and when were ready for it! Thanks for sharing on this article God bless everyone and remember to always love your self first before you try to love another.

  12. Andrea

    What a beautifully written article. I feel more peace after reading, particularly the section about allowing myself to love him even though we are not together. Thank you.

  13. Jason

    Yes. This is an amazing article. Thank you so much for posting it. This totally helped me find peace and clarity. Thank you.

  14. Awaroa Rapana

    I have been reading all the above posts. I have been with a man for 5 years on and off. I did feel love for him and cared about him very much. In these 5 years he kept dumping me for whatever reason suits him at the time. He always blamed me for everything. But like a fool I always took him back hoping that things will be better. I don’t blame him and I realise now I am the fool to let him come back. It hurts all the time he dumps me. Its like I am immuned to being dumped. I was so blind to see the truth. I always believed the only reason someone comes back is because they love you or want to be with you. I realise now that this is a very naive way of thinking far from the truth and reality. After reading many articles men like this are players. They know how to push the buttons of vulnerable women and they use it to their advantage. I have learnt that when things are not greener on the other side as they hoped for they will always return to the person that they know they can use and abuse. At the time I never thought of it like that as I was too much in love and very dependent on him. However, here I am again broken up. It has been nearly 2 weeks. What I am really happy about is that this break up is different from the rest of the break ups I have had with him. The first break up was so painful, I went through all the crying, withdrawal, etc… I thought I would never live to tell the story. I had never been through so much pain in my life. This was the first real experience of knowing what it felt like when someone dumps you. Then it happened the second time and I still felt pain and hurt etc… Then it happened the third time and I was still none the wiser and so on. But now it has taken me this long to wake up and smell the roses. I feel much stronger and I didn’t cry or any of that stuff. I accepted it and yes it was still hurting but not as bad. I forgive him and let him go. I forgive myself and love myself even more. I will not take him back this time. I made myself a promise. I refuse to be treated with disrespect. I am so proud of myself for saying these words. The articles above have helped me in trying to love myself and to get my own self respect back. It takes two to tango. But I have decided that I enjoy to dance alone. Thanks for the helpful tips on looking at a break up in a different light. Love and peace to you all. Here is something that may help those who are still broken. F – Face it. (admit you are hurting, angry, annoyed etc) A – Accept it what has happened. It’s over he’s dumped you)… S – See the lesson in it and learn from it. T – Then move on to another level. A better space etc…

  15. Ann

    Well I read the article. Very good advise. I took the first step and that was getting rid of a picture of the person I love and who I always will. I tapped myself on my chest lightly and said ” Ann, I love you”. ” You are a good person and you know it.” ” No one can take that away from you no matter how hard they try.” I never thought of telling myself that ” I love you” but it makes sense. The first step for me to heal was indeed getting rid of a picture so there are no reminders for me to go back and dwell on. It is over and that I must accept. God has greater plans for me and this I know. Only he knows what and who is right for me. My aunt said to me in a message ” I am so sorry you are hurting and the feeling of rejection or being rejected is a hard pill to swallow but god said ” No to this one. Not right now.”

  16. Lauren

    Hi, I’m Lauren. I was in a relationship with someone for 2 years, and in those 2 years, I became extremely close with my boyfriend. He was my best friend. There wasn’t a doubt that he was meant to be in my life forever. But in August he had to move across the country for school. A week after he left, he broke up with me, even though it was somewhat mutual, it wasn’t what either of us really wanted, but the soonest I could move out there was next July, and tickets there are expensive, even so I was willing to do a visit every month. But he said that he didn’t want to hold me back. This was all 2 months ago, and I am still heart broken. To me, being apart feels wrong. And I feel a lot of resentment towards him, wondering why he allowed me to fall in love with him if he knew he had to leave for school, and why he never told me he wasn’t interested in long distance. We still talk, although this last week we got into a fight and haven’t spoken in 4 days, and now I’m not sure if we will be on speaking terms ever again.
    But my biggest problem with getting over the heart break, is that he has the mind set that in 4 years when school is done, we will pick up where we left off, and get married. I wish that could happen, but realistically I don’t want to wait at least 4 more years to get married, and I want to move on but still be able to be his friend when he comes back for visits. But I know that once I start moving on or seeing someone else, our friendship will be completely ruined, if it isnt already. So my dilemma is whether or not I should tell him that I either want to be with him, or move on and risk our friendship, or possibly try to work through long distance until July, or just move on and start healing and finding other people.
    Any advise anyone has for me is extremely helpful, and there is much more information, but this is obviously just the tip of th iceberg.

    I also have a breakup experience before this, and here is what I can say about that:
    If you ever doubted the relationship, don’t second guess yourself. You are much smarter than you think, and you know what is best for you and your life. Don’t allow someone to hold you back, and especially don’t let them control you or intentionally give you bad feelings. A lot of guys seem great in the beginning, but when they show their true colors, they aren’t all they pretended to be. And I can say from experience, each heartbreak gets a little easier, and the next relationship is even better after what you learned from the one before.

  17. Raji toyin

    This instrint and elusidating on how to come over a break heart has been a wonderfull exreme more cudos.

  18. @Lauren:
    Once you’ve loved deeply, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Pain is a part of the natural healing process. It means that you’re fully aware of the past feelings and the barrier of time that exists between you and your ex.
    I’ve introduced a new concept in the healing process: suffer less and live more. This concept has two parts, just as you have guessed.

    1. SUFFER LESS
    Don’t focus on what is screaming inside you, leave that part in the past.

    2. LIVE MORE
    Understand that pain is still a line between you and him. Only indifference and independence drops a line that can’t be crossed, emotionally separating you two.
    Almost as powerful as love, pain can bring you tears, thoughts but also, it can bring you joy and fulfillment. What’s more important is that pain can bring you power. Internal power, strength.
    You’re becoming stronger not thanks to nice and good things, but thanks to difficult and painful obstacles. It’s true. Pain nourishes your strength. Otherwise, how could you grow personally?
    Let me tell you something: strength does not come from winning or from great memories. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you’re pushed toward a limit, when you’re facing a real obstacle, that’s developing your strength. And pain is the key to the front door. Period.
    Feeling so much pain is a kick-start, you’re not even aware of the fact that your brain, your body feels everything. Whatever you believe, your cells believe it too.
    […] Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. (Morrison)
    So stop consuming yourself in this situation and start working things out until you gain the strength you need. And once you’re there, everything will be more clear.

  19. Deborah

    I’m so glad I came across this articular. I’m going through a break-up. The pain has been unbearable. I’m normally a very positive happy go lucky person. I consider myself enlightened spiritually, but this one really knocked me out. It was a sniper shot and I never saw it coming… Your words spoke to my core & I really feel as if I’m on the mend and my joy is returning…thank you <3

  20. I’m glad you like it, Deborah. Only a woman can understand how bad a breakup can be. Having your happiness crushed is not easy to live with. But healing yourself is the solution for becoming happy again.
    You can find more by clicking on my name. Thanks.
    Be strong!

  21. sunil

    My story also starts as perfect as any other, spending time with each other, to love and care about each other, to listen each other.
    But dont know what happend, after some time things started looking like its not gonna work.after 3 years i just got one answer from her that she dont have feelings for me anymore.
    But it was just the starting, we were not in contact for next 2 years and one day i got a call from her mother saying that this is the time and now i should come and see her at least once. I went to her place and saw that she was suffering from Leukemia Bone Marrow….It felt like i lost everything once again.i was with her for next 4 months and she died in my arms. those 4 months was the most beautiful time we spent with each other, i still remember each and every moment.
    Till now it is not easy for me to get over it but its life and i am trying my best. I still love her so much and can do anything to get her back but its not possible.
    Today again i was missing her, her phone number is still saved in my contact list but i cant talk to her now, that’s why just thinking to write it down somewhere with my tears and found this place.
    Just one advice guys,First off all try to put your best in your relationships, even though there are very few lucky people who gets succeeded in their relationship, so please try to get rid of it and try to move on. Try to be a friend of her if possible, as if you cant find her in romantic way still you can be her friend and try to take good care of her as love never ends.

    Take care.

  22. KC

    I initiated a break up almost 2 years ago, and even turned him down multiple times after that. However, I have found myself second guessing myself. I know there is no chance to get back together and I even know that I don’t want to. The thing that I have realized is that it is safer (for my ego) to hold on to the notion that he was my only chance at finding someone to spend my life with rather than choosing to live my life now or trying to meet someone else who can possibly fill that role.

    As the quote goes, “one doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore.”

    I just hope that everyone realizes, both parties are often affected by break-ups. Trust that where you are is where you are supposed to be. There are no mistakes in this world. Let things unfold as they are meant to, because I believe once we finally accept this idea our relationship with ourselves, friends, family members, and significant others will all be infinitely better! I wish luck to everyone struggling with their break-ups, and trust that you are not alone and that you are going to get through this.

  23. Thanx.. Hope it’s going to work..

  24. rhys wheeler

    i recently broke up with my girlfriend who i was with for almost a year now i have never considered my self attractive and it took me a while to want to go out with this girl in the first place because i didn’t think i was good enough and couldn’t understand why any girl would love me but when i did go out with her it was the best feeling of my life and i never wanted that feeling to end. but around 2 months ago she cheated on me she told me right away and told me how sorry she was and as much as i had felt betrayed it took a while but i took her back because i loved her but after that incident things were never the same and we slowly drifted apart we are now broken up and although i know i deserve better because she has messed me around a few times but i still love her and i just feel lost without someone by my side i don’t know how i will ever find someone else =( i don’t know what to do

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