How to Keep a Relationship

73 Comments

Relationships. How to handle and prevent fights in a relationship.
Photo: stock photo

“When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender,surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another.“

~ Philosophy: Falling in Love

Remember the last time you got in a fight or argument with your significant other? Wasn’t it frustrating? Wasn’t it painful? Was it necessary? What can we do to best deal with these situations without ruining our relationships?

Relationships with our spouses and girl/boy-friends can be one of the most rewarding aspects of our lives. We hold a special place for that someone with whom we’ve shared countless moments of joy. Personality differences are inevitable, and what makes us unique as individuals can result in disagreements and conflicts during our relationship.

When these disagreements are not properly understood and managed emotionally, trivial exchanges can stir into full-on battles, and possibly end what we’ve spent months or years to build.

Yes, there are relationships where personalities are mismatched and breakups are beneficial. However, many breakups are unnecessary, as a result of built up anger and destructive cycles. When they happen, we experience a tremendous amount of pain and emotional hurt.

By facing our partners with awareness and a genuine desire for understanding, I believe that we hold the key to wellness in these special relationships.

My Personal Story

I’ve had my share of hurt feelings and failed relationships. What I’ve learned is that we do not plan fights with our loved ones, they tend to surface when we are least expecting it, and they hurt. Here’s a personal story from my own experience:

Valentine’s day, 2008. Adam and I had spent a beautiful day on a slice of heaven known as Alleppey in Kerala, India. We stayed in a sweet little bamboo hut along the river. We awoke in the morning to the sound of roosters and black birds, and were surrounded by utter calmness and endless fields of green palm trees. A picture perfect day spent filled with love and the gifts of nature.

The next day, we arose feeling a little agitated due to the heat, dehydration and travel stress. I felt uneasy with the remainder of our trip unplanned, and I cracked and threw a hissy fit. Adam was frustrated by being away from our familiar conveniences. Our hormones boiled and we found ourselves in a very emotional ‘fight’, or rather a day of tense silence.

Isn’t it ironic? Within a matter of 12 hours, a harmonious relationship turned suddenly rocky. Don’t they always happen that way?

Once we started talking openly and candidly, we were able to bounce out of the negative communication pattern and bring awareness into the situation. We turned two self-serving egos battling to-be-right, into an opportunity for mutual growth and personal transformation. The experience had brought us closer as partners and we were able to understand how to better handle such situations in the future.

This article shares what we’ve learned after some hours of introspective questioning on the topic of relationship miscommunication. What we’ve learned has proven wonders for our relationship.

The Truth

Before digging into ways we can overcome arguments, disagreements and fights from a relationship, let’s have a closer look at what happens when we are in this uncomfortable state. The following are some insights we’ve observed from our argument patterns.

Playing the Crying Baby - We take turns becoming a baby. At any one point during a fight, one of us is calm, while the other turns into a baby. That person becomes irrational, severely emotional, whiny and defensive. They say things that are regretted later. Once the baby finishes expressing him or herself, slowly rises on become clam, the role switches and the other person becomes the crying baby.
Attention, Appreciation, Acknowledgement - When we fall into the crying baby state, we are really seeking attention, acknowledgement, appreciation and care. The root for our emotional reaction when we are in this state is seeking reinforcement for why we matter.
Selfish & Self-Serving - When our inner baby subsumes us, we are selfish and self-serving. We cannot understand why our partner does not sympathize. The more we try to express ourselves, the less they seem to tune into what is bothering us. In this state, we lack the capacity to consider our partner’s feelings, and forget that they too are hurt.
Victim Mindset - When we become a baby, we feel that we are the victim. Our mind is focused on seeking evidence that support our victim story. By doing so, the other person becomes the unreasonable one. Once we find our evidence, we start playing scenes of ourselves as the victim, and we play this on repeat. We feel pain in our hearts, and we seek more pain and more reasons for pain. In some unconscious way, we enjoy this pain because it allows us to play the victim role, thus feeding our fears that life is full of painful relationships and no one truly understands us.

Photo by Katsuaki Shoda
Right & Wrong - Superficially, the battle can be distilled down to who is right. We believe that we are right and we must prove that the other person is wrong. The disagreement quickly turns into a battle of the egos. In this state, we have a strong urge to prove to the other person that we are right, after all.
Bottled Emotions - As the crying baby, we express purely the self-serving thoughts that arise in our minds. The emotions bottled deep inside us are causing those thoughts, but they are often unrelated to the situation. Having bottled emotions does not mean that we cannot communicate our feelings. Often times, we are not even conscious of these feelings until they manifest into our lives. For example, we go out to watch a movie, but we really didn’t want to go see the movie to begin with, so we unconsciously sabotage the movie outing with a problem: complaining about bad seats, or complaining that the ticket line is too long.
Alternative Meaning - We collect words expressed by the other person, jump to conclusions, and assume the worst. We find a meaning that serves us but is not the true meaning of their words in that moment. We tell ourselves that this meaning is the absolute meaning, and is definite and permanent. Truth is, when we are irrational, we say all sorts of things we don’t mean out of heightened emotions.
Differences Between the Sexes - Men are just as emotional and sensitive as women. The difference is in the way that men and women express themselves, and this is often misunderstood. Here are some differences we’ve observed. Keep in mind the following three things while reading: 1.) I realize that this is a generalization, so bear with me. 2) When I speak about “women”, I am referring to feminine qualities and tendencies instead of the gender. Similarly, when I mention “men”, I am referring to masculine qualities. It is possible for a woman to have more traditionally masculine qualities and vice-versa. 3) I am using male- female couple in the examples, but this is applicable to same sex couples as well.
- As women, we tend to hide our inner thoughts. When we are upset about something, we assume that the other person is a mind-reader and should know exactly what we are thinking without telling them. We throw hints by being upset and frustrated. This is extremely frustrating for men (or other women), since they want to help, but cannot seem to get anywhere and cannot understand why we are so upset. At the sight of our partner not picking up on our clues, we get even more upset and hurt.
- As men, we tend to be more verbal, we think out loud. We may internalize some or all of our feelings, but our thoughts are externalized through speaking or writing. Because we speak our thoughts, we often get in trouble with the women in our lives, since she can be hurt by what we say. Society has trained us to have an alpha-male ego, which acts like a wall defending the integrity and strength of our character. This strength defines us and our thoughts, keeping our less-than-rock-steady emotions well guarded. We are actually highly perceptive and more sensitive than society gives us credit for. We can easily sense when our women are unhappy and we want to help by making her happy again. But she remains upset and assumes that we are mind-readers. But we just don’t know what she is thinking. This is really painful. We wish she just told us exactly what we can do to make her happy again.

The Solutions

It is inevitable that partners are going to have different opinions, and everyone has days where their emotions can get the better of them. The problem is not that we have conflicts with our partner, the problem lies in the way we handle the situation. When our egos get in the way, our mind becomes clouded and we end up making mountains out of mole hills.

Photo by Meredith Farmer

Some of us use these conflicts as an opportunity to answer: Is my relationship stronger than the problem? They use the situation as a way to measure the relationship stability. They fail to see that this question itself causes conflict, since it forces comparison. Instead, a more effective question to ask is: Are we mature enough as people to resolve the conflict with consideration, awareness and grace?

The following are some pointers that have proven to be effective in our relationship:

1. Awareness - Bringing awareness into the situation. Become the observer of your thoughts, your emotions, your needs, and your ego. Ask yourself,

What is it I want at this moment?
Is what I want from my heart or filtered by my ego?
Will getting what I want help me become a better person?
Will getting what I want bring happiness and fulfillment to me and those around me?
What are the most important aspects in my life? Does getting this fit into my values?

2. Express, Don’t Suppress - Speak candidly and freely. Yes, the truth can hurt, but if you take responsibility for your words and speak with respect for the other person, the honestly and sincerity from your message will shine through. The other person will deeply appreciate you for it. Honestly not only releases your mental load, but also helps mutual understanding.

3. Recognize the Crying Baby - By bringing awareness into a situation, we will get better at recognizing when our partner is in the crying baby state. When they are in a baby state, it is highly beneficial if we remain calm. Don’t take what they say personally during this state, they don’t mean it.

4. How to Calm the Baby - The crying baby state is a primal state. We become irrational and unreasonable. We feel like we’re a little kid again crying for attention. With this in mind, what can our partner do to calm us when we ourselves are in a baby state? Sit down with your partner ahead of time to openly discuss what would make them feel better when they are this baby state? For example, to calm the baby in me, I would love to be held and caressed. To calm the baby in Adam, he wants to be focused on deep breath to draw out of that state of mind. What will calm the baby in you?

5. Pattern Interrupt - When we repeatedly do something, it becomes a habit. Instead of giving in to a comfortable action that doesn’t give you the result you want, interrupt that pattern by doing something (shockingly) unrelated or random. When you feel yourself going down a negative spiral, get up and do 10 jumping jacks with exaggerated movements, make funny faces, do a happy dance around the living room. This will help to bounce you out of that state of mind.

6. “Look into my Eyes” - If you see that your partner is in an irrational baby state or is upset, ask them to look into your eyes, even for just 30 seconds. When they are looking at your eyes, look back into their eyes and imagine passing an infinite amount of love towards them. Through their eyes, look for their soul. You may be upset too, just surrender to the moment, take some deep breaths, and focus only on their eyes and how beautiful they are.

7. Breathing - Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Take a few deep breaths and continue to breathe normally. Continue to do this for at least 5-10 minutes. Draw your focus into your lungs expanding and contracting. Feel the energy the air brings. As you change your focus, you will also change your mindset.

8. Ask yourself: “Am I arguing so that I could win the battle?” - If the answer is yes, ask yourself whether winning this battle will make a difference in your life in 40 years? How about tomorrow?

9. Ask yourself: “What is it about myself that I don’t like?” - Oftentimes, the arguments we get into are simply an extension of ourselves, though we may not realize it until we reflect at a later time. When we find ourselves jumping quickly into judging other people, we are really projecting what we dislike about ourselves on to that person. Observing our thoughts and behaviors toward others can expose our own insecurities on the subject matter.

Photo by Katsuaki Shoda

10. Try on Different Shoes - Imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes. To the best of your ability, feel the pain the other person is experiencing. How does it feel? What is your new perspective like? For a few seconds, pretend that “Me” does not exist, and that you are now the other person. Experience their words and feelings as if your own. This simple exercise helps to give you compassion and consideration towards another’s point of view.

11. “How it made me feel.” - When communicating your points of view, always speak in terms of how something made you feel. Example, “When I didn’t hear from you, it made me feel that I was not important.”. Expressing how something made us feel instead of what we think they did wrong, reduces their instinctive need to feel defensive. When people are not on the fence about something, they are more likely to listen and be more willing to resolve an issue.

12. Step Out, Cool Off - Go to a different room, separate yourself for a few minutes to gain perspective and clarity. Do some deep breathing exercises. Re-group yourself and bring awareness into the situation. Regain a clear grasp of what is most important to you, and reevaluate whether the “fight” is worth battling.

13. Listen - Listen to the other person. Really listen to them. Give them the respect that you would like to have, give them a chance to speak without judging them. Surrender to the moment and just be there. Listen to them as if you were listening to yourself. Listen to them in the way you want to be listened to.

14. Forgive & Accept - Remember that inside, we are all good people. Really, we were all born innocent, loving, kind and generous. See the light in them, as you too have that light within yourself.

15. Apologize & Explain - Say I’m sorry and show that you mean it by explaining why you are sorry. Don’t be shy or let your pride get in the way. Life is short, do the right thing, instead of the thing right for your ego.

16. Relinquish Defensiveness - Relinquish the need to be defensive. Listen when the other person express their feelings. Don’t treat their expression as criticism, listen with acceptance and a genuine desire to love them. This is not a power struggle, it is a conversation. Your partner’s expression of their feelings and needs has nothing to do with you. And don’t tell the other person, “Stop being so defensive”.

17. Focus on What They Did Well - When we are upset with our partners, we tend to focus on what they did wrong, and qualities we believe to be character flaws. “What we focus on expands.“, and these qualities amplify the more we give focus to them. This in turn makes us even more upset. Focus on what he or she has done right. Focus on the things we love about them. Focus on the beautiful characteristics that make them unique.

18. Stop Point Fingers - Placing blame will keep the fighting alive. It is a natural progression to blame our unhappiness and un-comfort on other people or events around us. I too have done this, many, many times. At the end of the day, the only thing we have control over is ourselves, and our reactions to life situations. Can we really blame others for our unhappiness? Instead, look within ourselves and see what we can proactively do to shift our thinking and perception of the situation such that we can feel happy? As one of my favorite quotes states so wisely, “We cannot control the wind, but we can direct the sail.” So true.

19. Gratitude - I’ve always found it helpful when feeling moody and argumentative to focus on the blessings in my life. By shifting our focus, we shift our state of being and move away from continuing to feel bad. List out the things you are grateful for today, close your eyes and thank every part of your body for its endless function, appreciate your surroundings, write in a journal on all things you are grateful for today, or read an old journal entry of your gratitude list.

20. Build Strong Sense of Self Worth - I believe that the insecurities that rise out of relationships are the result of insecurities we have with ourselves. We have to love ourselves before we can truly accept love from others. Dedicate time to building relationships with ourselves, and in the process, we will find that our insecurities slowly disintegrate and we end up falling in love with ourselves. We do not fall in love in an ego driven way, but in the same way we experience love and connection for all beings. Go on self dates, spend quality time with yourself, appreciate you, do things that feed your soul. What do you love to do that you wished you could do more of? For me, that’s reading.

What has worked for you when dealing with these uncomfortable moments in a relationship? What is your ideal relationship like?
Share your thoughts in the comments. See you in there!

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Like:

External Resources:

Book: Keys to the Kingdom
Audio: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: Understand the Conflicts.
Book: The Power of Now (Chapter on Enlightened Relationships)
Book: How to Be an Adult in Relationships
Book: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex
Web: Soulful Relationships
Web: How to Calm Down From Unresolved Anger
Web: The Total Truth of Anger

73 Responses (64 Comments, 9 Trackbacks ):

Comments

James
Jul 09 08, 6:05 pm PDT

1
Another great article… interesting how well you summarized the male side of the relationship argument situation. I’ve never heard anyone compare fight to the “baby.”
Marc and Angel Hack Life

Jul 09 08, 6:35 pm PDT

2
As always Tina, very well stated. I think a successful relationship comes down to 3 key points:

- Honesty
- Flexibility
- Listening

Thanks for the great read! ;-)
Avani-Mehta

Jul 09 08, 6:40 pm PDT

3
Wow! That’s a brilliant article Tina. We too usually take turns in going down. By rule, if one person is down, the other has to be strong.

Some other things that have helped are -

* not to judge based on whatever is spoken in the ‘baby’ phase.

* before making any kind of decisions or even assumptions, tell the partner about it. A lot of times we have found our assumptions to be true.

* it’s not necessary to agree on everything. We try to sit in each other’s position and have often found contradictory things being true.

* give space. Sometimes, people just need space. And at that time, the best gift one can give is to be happy by himself/herself. That’s one less thing to worry about for the partner.
Shilpan | successsoul.com

Jul 09 08, 6:42 pm PDT

4
Tina -

Transperancy is the soul of the healthy relationship. :)

Shilpan
Jay

Jul 09 08, 6:44 pm PDT

5
Tina,

Great article like always… and see, I told you I was going to start commenting more!

But it’s interesting how you put this because I think a lot of the points you mentioned are the ones my girlfriend and I figured out the hard way. Honestly, I think the hardheadedness is the thing that gets to us the most but we’re starting to be better at it.

Matter of fact, I’m going to forward this article to her too lol… of course, she’s just going to point her finger and say “I told you so!” LOL!

Jay
Jonathan Mead

Jul 09 08, 6:44 pm PDT

6
One of the things that’s really helped me and my wife is writing each others letters when we’re having a tough time in our relationship.

It’s a great venue for being able to share your feelings and have the other person read it and not react emotionally. Sure, you will be emotional, but you won’t be reacting emotionally in “real-time” as you would having a face to face conversation. It’s helped us get through a lot of difficult times and has helped us just listen to each other and get our feelings across.
Sara

Jul 09 08, 7:11 pm PDT

7
The bottom line really is whether the relationship is stronger than the fight. It can also help to work on uncovering your partner’s triggers when times are good. My husband is amazing at noticing when I’m starting to get irritable or cranky and lets me know.

Once we’re both aware of it, the situation becomes diffused, since we understand that any arguments are probably tied to a passing mood and not an underlying issue. Paying attention to your partner’s mood (and your own) can head off lots of conflicts (or “baby moments”) at the pass.
Raymond Chua

Jul 09 08, 7:19 pm PDT

8
I hope that I can remember these 20 tips when I really need it. :-)

Thanks for the tips.
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Jul 09 08, 7:29 pm PDT

9
Awareness of yourself and awareness of others. It is amazing that without awareness you have no clue as to what the issues are. The closest we can get to knowing and understanding others is through understanding ourselves first. This gives us the best chance of understanding others but it really helps if they talk to us :).

It is funny that we are never really angry at anyone. We are always angry at our own unfulfilled concept of how a person or the world should be.

Thanks Tina! ;)
Bree

Jul 09 08, 8:02 pm PDT

10
This is the most meaningful blog I have ever come across.
This will probably help me out a great deal.
Thank you very much for sharing this with the world.
I owe you one million thanks.
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul

Jul 09 08, 8:12 pm PDT

11
Great article, Tina! I think arguments and fights are a normal part of any relationship. In the end, it just matters that both parties feel a true sense of resolution, of having been respected and heard … even if it takes a few hours or days to get there.

In my experience, true relationship difficulties actually begin when we no longer bother fighting or resolving differences …

Blessings,
Andrea
John Rocheleau

Jul 09 08, 8:34 pm PDT

12
I don’t now whether it is age that brings understanding, but the older I get, the more foreign fighting seems to me. When I see a couple arguing, I feel sad that they can’t see how unnecessary and how destructive this fighting is. Complete lives and families are ruined by fighting. Children learn all the wrong things in homes where arguments and power struggles rule. And it is so pointless.

Find some understanding for yourself, and develop empathy for your partner. What is it like to be them in this moment?

Understanding is the key to just about everything, don’t you think? Hard to come by at times, I know, but articles like this one are a good place to start.
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map

Jul 09 08, 10:50 pm PDT

13
Hello Tina, thanks for the link and recommending my article on your post. You’ve made many great suggestions here on having a healthy relationship.

In my experience, what has been helpful for me is the awareness that sometimes the quarrels that develop between my husband and I boils down to a battle of the egos. As you so correctly point out, the question that goes on in my head is that “Am I arguing so that I could win the battle?” No one usually wins in such a fight.

It is only when we have the presence of mind to set aside our selfish motives and egos, can we be calm enough to forge a way forward. Taking the time to meditate on the “I” (or the ego) has very much helped us to look beyond our individual selves and to have greater compassion for the difficulties (which led to the fight) faced by our partner.

Thanks once again for a great article!
Evelyn
Daniel Richard | WE

Jul 09 08, 10:52 pm PDT

14
Hey Tina! You’ve definitely got a great list here on how to keep a relationship. :)

Liked it especially when you mentioned awareness, listening, and putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes and see the situation on both sides as that will allow any conflict to not be blown up due to hindsight or self-centered reasonings.

Daniel
jaxshark
Jul 09 08, 11:38 pm PDT

15
Seems like a lot of bullshit to me. But, of course I’ve been married four times. I keep coming back for more though,

jaxshark
David
Jul 10 08, 12:00 am PDT

16
Hey, nice read.

I do want to take issue with the “As men” portion of the post, though. I don’t feel like it accurately describes myself or my male friends at all — our emotions have very little flux, and emotions actually play very little into spats with our significant others.

We usually try to avoid unnecessary conflict; however, people do reason differently, and when conflicts do arise, we try to alleviate them in the most reasonable and fair way, so that everyone’s issues get addressed. In our experience, though, we have never, ever reasoned with someone “playing the baby” — such individuals are emotionally immature, and aren’t open to resolving the conflict at hand in a reasonable way.

So, the ability for us to mend relationships and solve any problems does not extend into “reading her mind.” At least among my friends, we treat any problems that arise in a relationship in a mature, proactive manner — but we don’t respond to emotional melodrama, nor do we use our “alpha-male ego” to hide our own over-emotional state.

In truth, our significant others are very emotionally mature, loving individuals who don’t employ crybaby-tactics or invoke emotional complexes to get what they want. Although we could just be lucky.
nightfever
Jul 10 08, 12:08 am PDT

17
very good article, i’m daring to say that this is the best relationship-related article i’ve ever read!
aryan

Jul 10 08, 12:28 am PDT

18
nice article really very very nice thanks for such a nice article :)
amy
Jul 10 08, 12:42 am PDT

19
everyone should read this!!!!!!
ThaiMed

Jul 10 08, 12:49 am PDT

20
Nice article, some good pointers here……
ss

Jul 10 08, 1:19 am PDT

21
Tina,

Great article, Cleared several of my doubts.

Thanks a lot
Some Guy
Jul 10 08, 2:16 am PDT

22
There’s a far simpler solution to dealing with the “crying baby”. Dump anyone who behaves in such an infantile fashion.

Crying at your boyfriend or girlfriend is blackmail, and it shows that the person doing it was raised by incompetent parents. If someone treats you this way, get them out of your life, and go find a grown-up.
Martin Wildam

Jul 10 08, 2:17 am PDT

23
Excellent post - great “summary”. Thanks!
Igetayes

Jul 10 08, 3:59 am PDT

24
Just wanted to say I have been looking for answers and these make sense and will work well as a tool to keep around for a while. Really saved us couldnt be more on the money . Thanks
Peter
Jul 10 08, 4:10 am PDT

25
Absolutly right
Ravi
Jul 10 08, 4:25 am PDT

26
Im (unapologetically) sorry but i cant resist picking on the “Adam was frustrated by the inconveniences of life in a third world country” bit.

A place that is described as ‘gods own country’ is because it is rustic and charming. it is possessively protected from commercialism and encroachment by a very capable and modern government. which is the reason it is a very popular attraction for tourists from all over india and the world.

so i dont see why the intended experience has to be labeled as one due to being in a third world country?

i have been to Allippi and I would suggest some very nice cottages/resorts…if you could afford them with your developed-nation-earned income.

ironically, a lot of the tourists that i see coming to india from the west, are the ones that are unable to spend more money in a week than the average indian(third world..you say?) worker makes in a day.

third world you say?
Tim
Jul 10 08, 4:47 am PDT

27
An excellent read! Truly enlightening. Thank you very much!
Daniel Edlen

Jul 10 08, 6:27 am PDT

28
13, 13, 13. Wonderful. Active listening, Dr. Phil talked about acknowledging emotions and showing understanding. “The Five Love Languages” talks about listening for emotional content. That’s generally difficult for guys, to hear not the words, but the feelings behind. When women here in words back what they’ve said in feelings, they are usually very relieved and can move on from the intial hurt. Then you can act like a team to solve the problem that inadvertantly triggered the hurt feelings.

My take, anyway.

Peace.
Chadster
Jul 10 08, 7:59 am PDT

29
Amazing, insightful article. We’re both reading this and I dare say some of the points could prevent future arguments and a possible break!
Bill Weil

Jul 10 08, 8:03 am PDT

30
Wow! What a great, detailed overview! Love this! On my site, www.lovepong.com, couples interact/deal with a slice of this - communicating consciously and powerfully, with gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance and personal responsibility as the key watchwords to having loving communication. The results are profound. What I think you’re telling us, and so rightly, is that great relationships are possible with all of us, and it’s up to us, more than anything, to make it so. Thanks for this! -Bill
Chris Sharp

Jul 10 08, 8:36 am PDT

31
Thank you Tina for revealing lots of ways to restore connection and understanding in relationship problems. It really brings the conflicts to an about-face towards realignment again, so we can get on with strengthening the connection rather than the separation. When we get in heated situations, so much of the attention we have is focused on what doesn’t feel good and what isn’t right, that we have no attention left to feel the love for our partner and our connection with them.

Your step on awareness is the key, I feel - awareness of who we are being, and not who the other is being. I feel that vulnerability is essential. It doesn’t mean that we willingly let others attack us but rather, a willingness to just feel the feelings that are there, without making those feelings bigger, wrong or right. It only means we honor ourselves as the being who is experiencing these feelings. When we have enough attention to put back into our love for the person we’re with, the issues we fight over will seem ridiculous or even silly. I have seen people hysterically laugh at what they just felt was the heaviest thing they’ve ever been in.
Chris

Jul 10 08, 8:36 am PDT

32
Hey Tina,

Awesome article. Awareness and the need to accept yourself and your faults before you can accept someone else’s is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

I’ve linked to this article from my blog!

Cheers

Chris
Dinesh
Jul 10 08, 9:00 am PDT

33
Even though we cannot generalize some behavior mentioned in the post, but this is an amazingly well written article, thanks for writing it. I have digged your post and recommended your post to my friends.
Heleana - inner-revolution.com

Jul 10 08, 3:32 pm PDT

34
Hi Tina,

I’ve been a lurker on this blog for a long time. Great work!

Your quote about surrendering spoke volumes - although I would add that knowing that we need to love ourselves and accept ourselves rationally is very different from knowing exactly how to take the first steps in learning how to behave in a self-loving manner.

To use an analogy, to me it’s the difference between knowing that you need to learn Japanese if you’re living in Tokyo, versus actually knowing how the language works.

While I would say people have this as an innate ability, the real challenge is connecting people with that feeling, one they might not have experienced since they were young, so they can re-learn the process of accepting their own flaws, the things they do, or how they look. Your article called The Secret to self-loving had some very useful tips, like the self-date. Creative thinking tools that teach people how to access those parts of themselves is another way. I’d like to invite you over to my site and see if any of them appeal to you.
Vyahruti
Jul 10 08, 5:48 pm PDT

35
Nice article. At the risk of making a comment irrelevant to the central theme of this rather good article, I would like to point out that India being termed as a third-world country doesnt hold good all the time. As you may know, India is a developing country that has seen great economic progress in the past 5 years. I have seen this term used frequently in various articles related to travel and it just hurts. Wikipedia doesnt say that this term is derogatory, but there has been enough debate on its usage which is enough to not use it.

Terming India a third-world country would make it come in the same league as nations such as Haiti, Afghanistan. Does that sound appropriate? Even in the recent G-8 meetings; India, China, Brazil and Mexico are referred to as developing nations.

Sorry for the rant!

**************************
REPLY

No sweat! Adam and I have just changed it to “developing country”.
Thanks for voicing your opinion.
Baconism

Jul 10 08, 8:19 pm PDT

36
Some of this article felt very familiar. I could recognized a lot of the patterns and loved your solutions. Well done.

Great article - dugg!
sarah

Jul 11 08, 12:28 am PDT

37
8. Ask yourself: “Am I arguing so that I could win the battle?” - If the answer is yes, ask yourself whether winning this battle will make a difference in your life in 40 years? How about tomorrow?

that is true…I’ve sent this to my guy and hopefully we’ll stop all those nonsense arguments.. well I’ll stop my nonsense picking really! :)
Michelle
Jul 11 08, 10:13 am PDT

38
To David, I don’t “play the baby,” and I don’t create “emotional melodrama.” We fight, and sometimes he really hurts my feelings, and parts of me end up really “crying” inside and sometimes it comes out. I can’t help it. Sometimes I feel really attacked, confused, afraid, and alone. I don’t think I’m the only person, male or female, who feels that way sometimes during a heated argument with their partner. It can be so confusing that I can’t even articulate what I’m feeling at that time. I don’t think the author was suggesting that people use those reactions as some sort of ploy or manipulative tool, I think the point was that sometimes those reactions happen, and there are ways of supporting your partner through those times and making things better. I am not sure I even like the idea of likening those feelings to the “crying baby” because it trivializes some very real feelings.
jaxshark
Jul 11 08, 8:37 pm PDT

39
Be sure to win every argument.

jaxshark
Leonny

Jul 12 08, 9:44 am PDT

40
Hi!
I just came across your site AND this article! Talk about timing! I just wrote about ‘the Reality of Marriage’ on my own blog as part of my wedding anniversary post, and your article supports the stuff I just shared there!

Thanks!

Leonny
http://www.oureverydaythings.com

PS: Here’s the link to that post
http://www.oureverydaythings.com/2008/07/the-reality-of-marriage/
Alison Wiley

Jul 12 08, 9:58 am PDT

41
As a former professional counselor, I appreciate this article but also believe it leaves a little something out. I am happily married, after two failed marriages. I learned from my past mistakes, and have written about that. http://www.diamondcutlife.org/diamond-cut-sustainable-marriage/
Bebete

Jul 12 08, 1:56 pm PDT

42
Good job, thank you.
Unfortunately it came too late for me (or maybe not, because life for me is learning). My relashionship finished last month. I’ve tryed everything I could, even going to a therapist together.

We have had a huge communication problem from the beginning… we failed to listen each other when we had argument. Two “Babies” all the time.

xxxBbtxxx
fiona

Jul 12 08, 6:23 pm PDT

43
I think openness and acceptance is what matters most. Whose right or wrong isnt important anyway both sides have its own negative part in an argument.
ladyluck
Jul 12 08, 7:06 pm PDT

44
I am so thankful that I found this article, it has helped me already and I have only just began reading it and not put it in to practice. Thank you for helping me understand what’s going on, inside.
Tom Stine | Living from Consciousness

Jul 13 08, 11:31 am PDT

45
I think I will have to write a post on how to lose a relationship. Interestingly, it wouldn’t be simply the opposite of the points you made above. Your points above are more about how to keep a “great” relationship going well. To lose one, you gotta work hard at it!

Very well done article, Tina. I will bookmark for future use! :-)
Leanne

Jul 14 08, 3:05 am PDT

46
All the things you mentioned in the article unfortunately happened when my boyfriend broke up with me. It wasn’t really a fight, but we definitely took turns being the cry baby and I said things I regretted, because I was so hurt. The most hurtful part of our break up was that, we didn’t fight, we always listened to one another and for some reason he broke it off so suddenly and it was from then that we had fights. We didn’t listen. We don’t talk anymore.

However one thing I have realised which relates to the quote you posted. We both didn’t trust ourselves. I always thought he was too good for me, and as I later found out he thought he wasn’t good enough for me either. Maybe that was part of our downfall.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Jul 14 08, 12:30 pm PDT

47
“Victim Mindset - When we become a baby, we feel that we are the victim. Our mind is focused on seeking evidence that support our victim story. By doing so, the other person becomes the unreasonable one.”

- That’s so true.

I used to have that kind of mindset. That’s why my ex-gf and I kept quarreling. It was only after taking personal development courses, reading books and doing self-reflection that I realized what had gone wrong and changed my mindset entirely.

If we play the victim, we get attention but we also lose control and power. Only when we take responsibility can we take command of our lives and relationships.

Shun Jian
http://RichGrad.com
Personal Development for the Book Smart
Eugene Williams

Jul 14 08, 10:25 pm PDT

48
Very good article Tina. We need to learn more about our mate. I have been married for 39 years and I have pick up some pointers here. Thanks a lot for this article.

Eugene Williams| www.eugenecwilliams.com
Power of Motivation Blog
Deb

Jul 15 08, 9:39 am PDT

49
Thank you for the article and for sharing. Sometimes my husband is the last person I’m nice to…it’s a shame, and I’ll try my best to change!
Jonathan - Advanced Life Skills

Jul 15 08, 11:39 am PDT

50
Hi Tina,

Thanks for such an insightful view of relationships from all sides. I appreciated the “As men” and “As women” insights very much. Also point #9 - Ask yourself: “What is it about myself that I don’t like?”

Realizing that we are actually projecting an internal conflict and attempting to work through it on the stage of our relationships can go along way toward finding a solution.

My favorite quote from this wonderful article is, “Observing our thoughts and behaviors toward others can expose our own insecurities on the subject matter.”
How true!
Bart

Jul 16 08, 3:59 am PDT

51
Excellent post. I love that you take the time to really explore the subject and write a lengthy article (not just this one, but all of them).
Keep it up!
Annching Wang

Jul 16 08, 2:18 pm PDT

52
Thanks for this. I had to figure out some of these points myself, of course, with the help of my boyfriend. I’m glad that I now know how to handle conflict better as an adult, and will try to remember the points you brought up. Relationships are works in progress, and I see how easy it is to throw it all away over a stupid fight.
Esther
Jul 18 08, 6:25 pm PDT

53
Thank you, Tina, for sharing the article. Very well explained in simple words.

I totally agree with Shilpan that “Transperancy is the soul of the healthy relationship.” With all the insightful views about understanding & resolving conflicts in a human relationship, if one party is not sincere in wanting to improve the relationship or resolve the conflicts there’s just no way “out” except to “move on”, which requires alot of courage from oneself.

To all those in a relationship now, cherish it, be sincere with yourself first before you can claim your love to someone else. Life is truly too short to have so many regrets. Remember this lifetime of yours is not about you only.

Enjoy & be grateful!
Online Advertising

Jul 23 08, 6:36 am PDT

54
I think the best way to look at a relationship is to treat every one as if you have known them for twenty years then you just have accepted how that person is and you work on building from there.

Too many people try to change their significant other to what they want them to be.

If everyone was accepting and understand that a person is who they are and you have to work with what that person is rather then your image of them then maybe relationships might work out a little better.
Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Jul 30 08, 6:15 am PDT

55
Amazingly, I have read lots of great article recently on keeping relationships together. As a divorced guy, I’ve grown quite interested in how to end them. I guess because it took me a good 2 years to really get over the divorce. Maybe I need to write a “How to End Your Relationship” post. :-)
Dr. Karen Sherman

Jul 31 08, 11:25 am PDT

56
Tina - This is a truly wonderful post! As a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I really feel it is a thorough and very helpful article. I would only like to add that couples can actually learn skills to manage their conflicts. I offer a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.” To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources
Emaah
Aug 02 08, 3:03 am PDT

57
I love reading all your articles.

They really make me aware of myself being irrational or getting jealous for no reason. Just now I was feeling like that but I remembered this article, took a step back from the situation and assessed it calmly and now I feel much better!

Thanks for taking the time to write these.

E.x.
Dilip Kumar Rai
Aug 16 08, 11:26 pm PDT

58
This blog is beutiful to read. It has so immence meaning invole within the article that it really gives clue about the heady things which must be taken into account while living a life.Its gives a clear understanding about the things involved in the personnel entangle and the way which should be followed or excercised to have meaningful action to mitigate the root cause of conflict or understood the nature of remedial required.

Understanding yourself is the tool which is most powerful to give happiness to yourself and peoples around you.

Thnks for such detailed diognosis!!!
fiona

Aug 16 08, 11:37 pm PDT

59
Relationship is a two way. Right or wrong is not important what matters most is how both of you give and take.
Tara Brown

Aug 21 08, 9:58 pm PDT

60
Now, if you can extend this to include how to keep a long distant relationship then I would be forever grateful. :)

I appreciate that you include the physical aspects of dealing with stresses in a relationship through breathing techniques because a lot of articles only focus on the the mental or verbal aspects.
Chu Yeow

Aug 21 08, 10:14 pm PDT

61
I stumbled upon your blog recently and been really enjoying your articles (especially this one). Thanks and keep up the excellent (and clear) writing! I hope to apply many of the things that “just make sense” now that you’ve written about them so simply.
J.D. Meier

Aug 22 08, 6:06 pm PDT

62
I think the key is having shared values. Opposites attract, but similarities bind.
kare anderson

Dec 26 08, 11:40 am PST

63
Passive Men and Wild, Wild Women
Men aren’t born passive. Women aren’t born wild. We just have that effect on each other … too often.

When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict, and how can you turn it around and stay sane?

Here’s some gut instincts research-based insights on:
- why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
- four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:

At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men.

But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situation.

Yet even when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a more active way at home - and instinctively wants the same style from her mate.

His apparent passivity drives her crazy.

In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild. *
Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.

In personal relationships women often want too much talk, as men sees it.
She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter.

He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks.
They both end up blaming each other.

He thinks: If only she’d shut up.
She thinks: If only he’d talk to me.

Here’s four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive, lively conversation we crave …
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977519040&nav=Namespace
Joe Taylor

Apr 23 09, 9:53 am PDT

64
Great article! Wow. One of my good friends use to always tell me years ago, his secret was easy… to remember that she was always right… and just say, “Yes Dear” a lot.

Probably not as good as the advice floated in the article above, but thought I’d share that insight. ;) I’ve found it to be helpful to remember that in my relationship with my wife or to at least know when to say when and let things be.

-Joe

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