How to Really Listen to Someone

47 Comments


Photo by Thomas Hawk

“To be interesting, be interested.
Ask questions that other person will enjoy answering.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
-Dale Carnegie

Everyone desires to be heard. When we listen to others, we validate their need to be acknowledged and understood. Deep down inside, we all want to know that we matter, that we are important. Don’t you find that meeting someone who shows interest in what we have to say, we tend to take a liking to them instantly?

I’m not asking you to pretend to be interested in hopes of being liked, but rather to pay attention to this often overlooked and forgotten skill. In addition to improving your personal and professional relationships, listening also helps to prevent misunderstandings and facilitates cooperation.

The following are techniques to being an effective listener. I have learned these from communication courses, seminars and books on personal relationships. These are ones I’ve personally found to be useful when engaged in a conversation with other people:

  • Mirroring - mimic the other personal facial expressions and body positions. React as if you have become their mirror. Mirroring will allow you to feel what they are feeling, and have a deeper understanding of feelings carried with the words. People will begin to feel very comfortable being around you without consciously understanding why.Did you know that a baby will mimic the expressions of adults? Try it next time you’re playing with a baby in a crib. Make a distinct face, and watch the baby’s reaction.I learned this technique first from a psychology textbook, and later from Tony Robbins. After trying it myself, I learned that you can experience what others are feeling, but might find yourself on the same wavelength with similar thoughts and visions. Our physiology (facial expression, gesture and posture) can affect our internal state. Mirroring is just a technique to put yourself in a position (literally) to accept and internalize the meaning behind the words.
    • For example, you are sitting across the table from someone, the other person is holding a glass of water with his left hand, leaning forward and towards the right side. You mirror them by holding a glass of water or cup with your right hand, leaning forward and towards the left side.
  • Focus On Them, Not Yourself - In conversations, I often lose my mind in my own thoughts. I get hung on what I’m going to say next or random thoughts like, ‘How do I look?’, ‘I’m hungry’, ‘What should I do tonight?’ The trick is to shift that attention and focus on the speaker. Give them your full attention. Be genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. Here’s a quote from Dale Carnegie extracted from principle 4 of “How to Win Friends and Influence People“

“Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.”

  • Active Listening - It’s easy to let your mind wander while someone is talking. It’s also natural to focus on how you plan to respond to the speaker rather than giving your full attention. Try active listening to shift focus on listening:
    • Repeat - Repeat what they are saying in your head, in your own words. Internalize the meaning of the words.
    • Summarize what you heard. A great listening technique involves rephrasing the speaker’s words and repeating them back to them. This verifies that you understood what the speaker said, and also gives the speaker a chance to clarify their thoughts. You can start the sentence with “So what I’m hearing you say is” or “Are you saying that“
    • Look for the message - Look for keywords. Don’t just listen with your ears, but also with your heart and soul. Connect with them. There are so much more said than just words alone. Try to ask yourself, What is their point? Where are they coming from? What do they need? What they are saying in words is just an expression, but there’s always an underlying message. Look for that core message.




  • Body Language - lets the speaker know you are paying attention and care about what they are saying.
    • Make Eye Content - show you are paying attention. Make sure your eyes are not wander around the environment, looking behind the person. One technique is to focus on just one eye, this shows concentration and will help you focus.
    • Smile - When we are focused, we tend to have no expressions on our face and this can be interpreted as unwelcoming or uninterested. Remember to wear a smile, even a slight one.
    • Node & ‘Un-huh’ - Add “un-huh”, “hmmm”, “I see” in between sentences. This is direct feedback to the speaker, it acknowledges to the other person that their words are heard and understood.
    • Lean Forward - lean slightly towards the person, show that you are interested in what they have to say and are giving them your full attention.
  • Questions & Probing - Ask questions to clarify your understanding. People like questions, provided you are conscious of when not to ask questions (for example, you don’t want to interrupt their train of thought by jumping in with questions as they speak). This shows that you are listening and are following them. Probe for additional and related information. Some good probing sentence starters are How? Why? For example, “How did it happen?” “And what was your reaction?” “Why did you choose to leave?”
  • Non-Judgmental - Listen with compassion, openness and acceptance. In conversations, we often think about refutes and counter-arguments as the other person speaks. Listen with openness by recognizing that they are expressing themselves, and allow them the freedom to do that. Besides, we don’t want to be judged when we are speaking, so why should we judge others?
  • Don’t interrupt - Let the speaker finish their thoughts. Don’t move on to what you’d like to say until the speaker has finished talking. If you have something to say, bite your tongue and nod. Be patient, wait for your turn. Remember how annoying it was when someone interrupted you? And you lost your train of thought? Give others respect and allow them to finish.

If you lose focus, change your body position. If you find your mind wandering, move to a different position and try using one of the techniques above to refocus on the speaker.

Do you have any listening tips or thoughts you’d like to share? We’d love to hear ‘em in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon, vote for it on Digg or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

External resources on listening skills:

Leave a comment?


Like this article? ThinkSimpleNow delivers weekly articles on creativity, clarity and happiness. Join the Community by subscribing! (What's this?).

Subscribe by email:


StumbledUpon Save to del.icio.us Digg it! Comments (47)
This entry was posted on Mon, Nov 5, 2007 at 6:04 am and is filed under communication, relationships. Email this page.

47 Responses (33 Comments, 14 Trackbacks ):

Comments

  1. Armannd

    Nov 05 07, 10:28 am PST

    1

    Question: could you share with us what is the reasoning that has led you to believe that any of these tips work in the real life? You do have a logical basis for them, don’t you? Experience, seminars and books don’t make valid answers for my question. :)

    PS: I’m not saying that the tips are useless; on the contrary, I find them really useful and real.

  2. Tad Chef

    Nov 05 07, 10:54 am PST

    2

    Thank you for this. Now that I read the post I realize that I can’t listen whatsoever. Formerly I was confident to be a good listener. Have to learn now.

    It must be “contact” in “Make Eye Content” [sic!] though I guess?

  3. Rahul

    Nov 05 07, 10:59 am PST

    3

    Tina,

    I love what you’ve written here. I think another topic you can touch on is how to go beyond active listening, into empathic listening (Steven Covey talks about this in his book The 7 Habits).

    I’ve started using this method of listening, and the results are tremendous. People open up much more easily, and the conversations are much more rewarding.

    Great article, keep up the good work!

  4. Tina Su

    Nov 05 07, 12:35 pm PST

    4

    Armannd,

    RE: the reasoning that has led you to believe that any of these tips work in the real life?

    Because I use all of them in real life. I’ve have tested them and practiced them. These were the top ones that worked best from my personal experience.

    We can go deeper into the psychology of things, but I thought to leave those details out and get to the point, get to the core.

    Thanks for asking. :)

    —-

    Thanks for commenting Tad.

  5. Tina Su

    Nov 05 07, 12:39 pm PST

    5

    Hi Rahul,

    Thanks for the feedback. Active listening is part of Empathic listening. The only thing missing from Empathic listening is “reflect feeling”. Part of mirroring will help us to do that. Thanks for the reminder tho.

    Here’s an article on Empathic Listening for anyone interested.

  6. Gil

    Nov 05 07, 12:45 pm PST

    6

    I need to get the batteries on these hearing aids replaced soon. I can’t hear a thing being said. Good thing I can still read these wonderful advice. Love it. Thanks Tee.

  7. Mimi Lenox

    Nov 05 07, 1:13 pm PST

    7

    You have a lovely place here with interesting thoughts and ideas. Keep it up. Enjoyed reading.

  8. Chrissy S. (the E.A.)

    Nov 05 07, 3:20 pm PST

    8

    I have absolutely found that mirroring others is very effective in communication, particularly in a professional environment. I think it makes people feel that they can relate to you on a primal level.

    I learned it originally as a sales technique because people feel more compelled to buy from someone they see as being “like them”. It’s strange how these tiny little movements and facial expressions can make such a strong emotional impact on us.

    I also recommend mirroring speech patterns. For example, using similar types of slang or reference words. This helps the other person really hear you and again, feel the connection.

  9. mary k

    Nov 05 07, 3:56 pm PST

    9

    These are excellent tips. Not only are they things you can observe in people who are considered good listeners, they are well-established techniques taught to psychologists are others who want to work effectively in communicating with others. It’s amazing what we can learn from other people once we actually start truly hearing what they are saying…

  10. Marion

    Nov 05 07, 4:31 pm PST

    10

    I find I focus on people themselves, sometimes. I watch their body language and it gives me many indications as to how they are, beyond their words. That helps to get behind what is being said, to get to the heart of the matter.

    Very good post! …it’s great to meet you!

  11. Gamy Rachel

    Nov 06 07, 12:20 am PST

    11

    I like this quote Tina..

    “To be interesting, be interested.”

    I like also about listening for keywords, that can actually help to listen unspoken messages also, so as to understand the person better.

    Nice job, Tina keep it up.

    Blessings
    Gamy

  12. Chris Sharp

    Nov 06 07, 12:30 am PST

    12

    Thank you very much! These are fantastic tips for connecting with others Tina. From a spiritual perspective, I enjoy feeling the other person as another version of me. I’m not just talking to a body with feelings and emotions, I’m connecting with a creative being who has amazing creations. I practice sharing their perspectives as they would be mine and appreciate them. The greatest trick I learned and am still practicing is to relax my thinking on HOW I’m connecting with them - just connect and feel the flow. Keep attention out and relax any ‘efforting’ to connect.

    How do you use the practice of mirroring when someone is feeling very serious or heavy, or is running out words faster than they can comprehend (or you for that matter?)

  13. Lawrence Cheok

    Nov 06 07, 1:37 am PST

    13

    These are really useful tips and I cannot emphasis enough the importance of listening in all aspects of life.

    People’s natural inclination is to advocate than to understand. To really listen, one must come from perspective of wanting to understand than to advocate.

    As such, Stephen R. Covey teaches us ‘Seek to understand than to be understood’. It’s more of an attitude than the superficial skills to ‘appear to be listening’.

    Tina, I recommend an apt follow-up would be how to cultivate a ’seek to understand’ attitude to make this article complete.

    Having such that, these are still very good tips. Thanks for sharing.

  14. Tina Su

    Nov 06 07, 1:51 am PST

    14

    Wow Chrissy. Thanks for the input. When I first tried mirroring outside of a learning environment, I felt like a fraud. :) It felt so funny, but slowing being sensitive to people and their reactions, I noticed a difference in the way people warm up to you faster.

    When I first learned it, the instructor said, “If you think that the other person will be suspicious of your mirroring, then you must be the type of person who still thinks others are fully listening when you speak.”. :) That was funny.

    Thanks for adding the piece about “mirroring speech patterns”… I almost forgotten about that. Thanks for the reminder! You’re awesome!

  15. Tina Su

    Nov 06 07, 2:16 am PST

    15

    @Mary, @Gamy - Thank you for commenting!

    —-

    @Marion

    Well put. I do the same. Often times, I don’t even hear the words, I just stare into their eyes, be present, and feel the person beyond words. I find that I get so much more information that way, thoughts, feelings and motives. I feel I have a better understanding of them as well. Thanks for commenting!

  16. Tina Su

    Nov 06 07, 2:24 am PST

    16

    @Chris,

    Beautiful words Chris. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I loved reading it. I feel the same way about feeling people out. To drop the thoughts of “wanting to connect” to people.. drop thoughts as much as I can and just be.. just be present with them. :)

    Re: How do you use the practice of mirroring when someone is feeling very serious or heavy

    Great question.
    You can still mirror them when they are feeling very serious. Just mimic their facial expression as you engage with them. Similarly with their body posture.

    I’ve been through moments of feeling really down and telling a friend about my ’story’, and out of the times where I felt really understood where when my friend had a very similar look as myself in that state (concerned, sad), I felt understood, supported and connected. It’s an unconscious effect. As I learned this, I started noticing this effect on myself. Pretty cool.

    Thank you for the thoughtful comment!

  17. Tina Su

    Nov 06 07, 2:32 am PST

    17

    @Lawrence,

    RE: Tina, I recommend an apt follow-up would be how to cultivate a ’seek to understand’ attitude to make this article complete.

    That’s a fantastic idea! One of my todo topics is on “How to Understand People”.. slight variations of your suggestion. I will keep that in mind.

    Thanks again for your valuable input. :)

  18. Malathy Badri

    Nov 06 07, 4:16 am PST

    18

    When a person shoes a deaf ear but only interested in talking closes his mind firmly shut and thereby closing all avenues to grow.

  19. Philip Ang

    Nov 06 07, 6:57 am PST

    19

    Hi Tina,
    This is my first visit to your blog.
    I see that you have lots of good stuff to share.
    Have subscribed to your rss feed.

    And for those who seem to forget to be conscious to listen more instead of talking, just look at yourself in the mirror. You have one mouth and two ears. Why not two mouths and one ear?
    Happy listening.

  20. Mark

    Nov 06 07, 8:12 am PST

    20

    These are great tips and will hope to open many doors. I have taught these very same things to many a class of soon to be sales people. Essential knowlege. Thanks for sharing.

  21. Miracle

    Nov 06 07, 12:00 pm PST

    21

    Great article. We could use alot more listening in our world today. Do you think it can be the culture’s attitude to focus on our own selves?

    I loved your opening paragraph. When we listen, we validate the needs of others to feel accepted.. Great thoughts

  22. Life Reflection

    Nov 07 07, 1:14 am PST

    22

    Hi Tina,

    I have read Dale Carnegie’s books too. Mirroring is definitely effective. Thanks for sharing great tips here.

  23. lovelydisturbance

    Nov 07 07, 9:58 pm PST

    23

    i really like the opening quote on listening.

    thanks for sharing these tips.

  24. Teresa Morrow

    Nov 08 07, 3:08 pm PST

    24

    Tina,

    I do believe there is a lot to say for REALLY listening. I do believe too many times we are so interested in what we have to say, we don’t ACTIVELY listen or are not PRESENT in the conversation.
    When you learn to listen effectively, you will be surprised at the long term rewards it will give back to you.

    Sincerely,

    Teresa Morrow

  25. Jess

    Nov 08 07, 11:31 pm PST

    25

    this is really good advice, i actually find that i am a really bad listener - interrupt all the time, but now i’ll be more cautious !!

  26. Jason Peacock

    Nov 12 07, 4:05 pm PST

    26

    Your suggestion about mirroring reminds me of the Desmond Morris show The Human Animal. IIRC, they talked about mirroring as a subconscious flirting behavior - if someone likes you, or you want to show that you like someone, then you begin mirroring each other’s actions.

    For example, you’ll both take drinks from your glass at the same time, or use your napkin, or sit in similar postures.

    Basically, effective listening is very similar to flirting - in both cases you’re engaging the other person and subconsciously demonstrating interest ;)

  27. Moyo

    Nov 17 07, 9:23 pm PST

    27

    Glad you wrote about the topic of being a good listener — you actually brought up 1 point that I DISAGREE with.

    Under ‘body language’, where you state “Nod & ‘Un-huh’”, I find that when someone intently listens to me, they’re usually nearly 100% silent while I speak.

    I notice that often, people who have tuned you out, but want to give the appearance of active listening, tend to add a lot of “un-huh”s and “right”s while you’re talking — and they’ll say “uh-huh” rhythmically — as in every 5 secs for example.

    This ‘listener’ becomes so focused on appearing like they’re listening, they forget to really listen to what’s being said.

  28. Tina Su

    Nov 17 07, 10:34 pm PST

    28

    Hi Mayo,

    I completely agree with you that by focusing on the appearance of listening, one can forget to really listen to what’s actually being said.

    I’ve been in conversations with people who says ‘uh-huh’ so much that it appeared unnatural and I wondered as I spoke whether they got what I was saying. This can be kinda annoying too for the speaker. One thing I should have mentioned in the article is to be natural and not over do anything. These tips are just pointers that one can be conscious of. Different techniques works better on different people. All techniques aside, the best tip is to focus 100% of energy on listening to the other person. But people tend to have a hard time doing this, which is where the pointers come in as handy tools.

    Thanks for your input! :)

  29. Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

    Dec 23 07, 8:52 pm PST

    29

    I have a tendency to nod when listening to a person when I agree totally with what they are saying or when I really, really get what they are saying. I hope no one thinks that I am not listening when I do that. Sometimes, it happens before I can even think about the movement especially if what the other person just said is really exciting to me.

  30. CG Walters

    Dec 24 07, 2:50 pm PST

    30

    very good, Tina Su.
    “Concentrate on them” and “- Listen with compassion, openness and acceptance.” –I like these best.
    I had a dear friend that few people could get to know anything about because she would always say “I know about me, darling. I want to know about you.”
    Everyone one felt special when visiting with Kitty, because she gave her attention fully.
    Many, many people mourned their loss as if they were personally struck by her death….because each one was special in her presence.

    Many blessings to you and all you hold dear,
    CG

  31. ananga

    Feb 10 08, 12:11 am PST

    31

    Thank you for submitting this article to the Living by Design Blog Carnival - it has been included in Carnival No. 21

    with best wishes
    Ananga

    Living by Design - Personal Development for Thoughtful People
    http://www.ananga.squarespace.com

  32. jd

    Feb 14 08, 12:26 am PST

    32

    Hey Tina -

    Good rundown. Active listening is one of those skills that’s both surprisingly simple as well as surprisingly effective.

    I think a big part of really listening means, being open to be being completely wrong. For example, if you are defensive of your ideas, it can be tough to really listen. The more open you are, the more receptive you are, the better listener you become.

    Listening to understand is different from listening to prove you wrong.
    Waiting until you are done speaking so I can say my next point, isn’t the same as listening, either.

  33. Melissa

    Mar 04 09, 12:22 am PST

    33

    THANKS! Great advice! I am going to put my new techniques to work starting today! :)

Your Thoughts?

Add A Comment

We'd love to hear them! Please share:

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>

Trackbacks (14)

  1. www.cellulitediary.info » How to Really Listen to Someone - Nov 05 07
  2. Basic rules for conversation - Nov 09 07
  3. winyourmind.com » Blog Archive » Blogging Around Town - Friday November 9, 2007 - Nov 09 07
  4. A Long Long Road » The Art To Answering Women’s Questions - Nov 13 07
  5. Empowered Soul Blog » Carnival of Truth #3 - Dec 23 07
  6. How to Build Intimacy in Any Relationship | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Jan 18 08
  7. 8 Keys to Instant Charisma | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Jan 31 08
  8. Living by Design - Feb 10 08
  9. How to Make Profound and Lasting Change | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Jun 11 08
  10. How to Make Profound and Lasting Change | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Jun 11 08
  11. How to Keep a Relationship | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Jul 09 08
  12. Dealing with Difficult People « LifeStyle Words ! - Sep 07 08
  13. IQ Matrix Blog » Blog Archive » Becoming a Person of Influence | Mind Map - Dec 16 08
  14. The Secrets to Build Charisma that Women Love - Constructed - Jan 20 09
Return to Top Return to Top