Insecurities: A Slice From My Diary

38 Comments

Photo by: Asaf Einy

The beautiful topic of relationships has occupied much of my mental space over the past few weeks. This is apparent through my recent articles on “How to Get Over Breakups” and “How to Find True Love” (New) via Think Simple Now.

To write these articles, I had to dig deep within myself and recall my own romantic journey and all of the empowering things I’ve learned through the ups and downs of my own relationships.

The most significant day in my personal growth was November 19, 2006. It was through the state of despair and depression I was in that the pain I was experiencing helped to nudge me into sudden clarity about what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.  It was an exceptionally exhilarating and liberating day for me.

The following is a snapshot of my realization from that day, as written in my journal.

From that day on, my life has never been the same.  The cycle of destruction had finally come to an end. Sometimes, life can only turn around when you’ve hit rock bottom.

I hope that by sharing this slice from my diary, it will help to shine some light on your story and whatever it is that you are going through.  For anyone who’s ever felt insecure and insufficient, you are not alone.  There is hope, and the future is VERY bright!

” November 19, 2006

Uncertainty is the topic of my day. No, actually it’s insecurities - the insecurity of not being liked, of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being alone, of not being loved. Through much realization about myself in the past few days, I discovered that I used to have a psychological dependency on men, or the idea of having a man there for me.

In the most extreme sense, it was as if my entire self worth relied on this dependency, on this idea of support. Once that dependency is challenged and uncertainty is added into the equation, I become this insecure little girl, unable to continue. I scramble, I panic, I look for plan B, I start to seek out alternatives, replacements … pads to protect my body from shattering into little pieces should I fall from that balcony of visions that I’ve created.

Visions and fixation, of hope, of ideals, of situations, of longing… all of which I have projected onto this man who is the current holder of my self-worth and whom I’ve depended on such that I cannot function normally without. He helps me to feel together, to feel complete. But he also hinders me from achieving my ultimate goals.

In a deeply unconscious state, without knowing it, I’ve asked him to put an invisible leash on my self-worth and my security. As a result, he’s got all of my time, my attention, my heart, and my love and a momentary pause has been placed on my true passions.

I have goals, but in the pursuit of keeping him happy, I set aside my goals and grace him with my attention and time. Deep down, secretly, I feel that without his image around, I will not be able to excel, and that I will not be okay. This of course is a false illusion, but because it’s been deeply buried in my subconscious, I have not been aware of it until now.

With each partner, when their true, ugly qualities re-surface above the perfect image I’ve projected upon them, I abruptly leave and start seeking the next holder of my invisible leash.

Today, I declare to the Universe that with this self revelation, I shall let this go, completely. I do not need it in my life, for it is no longer serving me.

My true self worth comes from myself, my heart, and my perception of my world. I adore myself, I love myself, and I am a wonderful being with lots of love to share.

I am in complete control of my life and my experiences. I gain more security in myself each time I do something that pleases me. I gain when I read wonderful books and learn new things. I gain when I am writing and exploring my feelings. I gain when I re-organize my life (living space, routine, health, goals). I gain when I think about all the wonderful blessings in my life. I gain when I take pictures that capture truth. I gain when I have meaningful conversations. I gain each time I accomplish a goal. I gain each time I think - with absolute faith that - I will always end up in the best possible place no matter what happens. There is something wonderful and valuable from every situation I encounter.

I learned something today:
Love yourself, and love others as if they were me.
Smile lots, and spread joy.
Be truthful, be compassionate, be patient, and be forgiving.
Live with the big heart you were born with. ”

Like this post? Subscribe for free updates. (What's this?).

Subscribe by email:

• Browse in Timeline:
• « Swimming Through Life
• » My Kauai Wedding

38 Responses (34 Comments, 4 Trackbacks ):

Comments

1. Glen Allsopp

   Feb 12 09, 3:32 am

   1

   Nice to see the personal side of you Tina (not that you don’t share it already). It’s great that you were able to just ‘let go’ and realise when something was holding you back or simply wasn’t ideal.

   Cheers,
   Glen

2. Isobel

   Feb 12 09, 8:50 am

   2

   Hi Tina,

   I’ve been reading your articles for awhile now and I always get an immense boost of happiness after thinking about some of the topics you bring up. Thank you for that!

   This current topic is so close to what’s happening to me personally that it’s very striking that you decided to post this today. And I feel like because of that coincidence, that I should respond…

   I had an argument with my husband (which are becoming more frequent) about my dependency, just last night and a little this morning before work. I love him more than any human being in the world and it’s terrible how much I hurt our relationship by trying to keep him in that “image”. I will say and do hurtful things just to almost force him to fulfill my needs, to make me feel better about who I am. And as you said, at one time I was completely independent and had so many idealistic dreams and goals for myself, and now they have all but evaporated.

   I want to let it go and be free, just as you have mentioned, but I’m not sure how exactly to go about it… Do you, or any of your readers, have any advice about how to become myself again? How to let go?

   Thank you,
   Isobel

3. Nathalie Lussier

   Feb 12 09, 11:39 am

   3

   Wow, I’m so glad you shared your thoughts about this topic. I used to be so needy/obsessive when it came to guys. It was only when I realized that if I just loved myself first, then there wouldn’t be anything stopping me from finding true love. And it really would be/is true love, because it’s not from a place of dependence or acceptance. It’s just me, sharing the love.

   I think you’re really an amazing person Tina! :)

4. Mona

   Feb 12 09, 5:18 pm

   4

   wow tina, your post made me cry…thank you for sharing yourself so openly…much love

5. Mona

   Feb 12 09, 5:34 pm

   5

   i hope you don’t mind but i’m sharing parts of your post on my own blog; it will be published tomorrow (:

6. Michelle

   Feb 12 09, 9:03 pm

   6

   Thank you for posting this Tina. I used to feel the same way few years ago. Life has been positively different upon the day of realization! I really enjoy reading your blog :)

7. V

   Feb 16 09, 3:34 pm

   7

   Just one question for you Tina, have you found your ideal partner?
   that would be important to know for us. are you in a truely fulfilling realtionship?

8. Avy

   Feb 16 09, 9:18 pm

   8

   Thank you for sharing this! I totally relate, I went through the same thing and it’s still an ongoing process to make sure I stay focused on my own passions and goals instead of wanting him to complete my life. I love my boyfriend, he is amazing, but I was ruining the relationship by being dependent, insecure and clingy. Now I remember to love myself and think of how I would live my life if I were single and do that… and not only is it good for me but it is for our relationship! I think a lot of women go through this and it’s great to see you’re getting it out there… we really are in control of our lives if we want to be! Thank you for being so honest and inspiring us all the time ;)

9. Avy

   Feb 16 09, 9:39 pm

   9

   And for Isobel… I was able to do it but only after breaking up with him for a while. I moved across the country and did my own thing and then when I moved back about half a year later and we got back together (we remained very close, we’ve been together 5 years in total, since we were 18) I could easily compare the happiness of being independent with the misery of being dependent and not happy with myself. I’m sure you could learn to love yourself and find out who you are/what you want from life from within a relationship but it might be harder?

10. Tina Su

    Feb 22 09, 12:41 am

    10

    @Isobel

    Thanks for opening up and for wanting change for the better. This is a complex topic that can take a long time to properly answer. In short tho, I would:

    1. Commit and practice loving myself.

    I’ve written about this in several related articles on relationships here and here

    2. Take a weekend course called “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” (http://understandingmen.com).

    It will change your life! I promise. It’s a relationship course that teaches you how to effectively communicate with men in all relationship circumstances. I’ve taken it, and now volunteer at these classes as staff. If you want a peaceful, mutually-empowering and fulfilling relationship with your husband, I highly highly recommend that you go to this. I personally guarantee it!!

    I can give you more info on the course if you’re interested. Particularly, how to get a discounted price. Drop me an email! (tina at {mywebsite url})

    Warmly,
    Tina

11. Tina Su

    Feb 22 09, 12:43 am

    11

    @V

    Just one question for you Tina, have you found your ideal partner?
    that would be important to know for us. are you in a truly fulfilling relationship?

    Yes, I have found my ideal life partner and am in a fulfilling relationship. I will blog more about this soon. On a personal note, I just got married. Stay tuned!

    Warmly,
    Tina

12. Ange

    Feb 26 09, 6:16 pm

    12

    Beautiful, insightful post Tina. I just adore the paragraph about how you gain your sense of security…..that is so where I’m at in my life journey right now. Thank you for sharing.

13. Maz

    Feb 27 09, 2:09 pm

    13

    Hi Tina,

    I feel very grateful that you post this article. I am currently on an on-off relationship with my partner. or ex, im not sure. I broke up with him, but then tell him that I think we should work on us. Then i broke up with him again, because i found out he lied. he promise not to drink again. is it right for me to control* he uses the word control, is it wrong for me to do that, when i feel im responsible to take care of both of us? can you pinpoint my wrongdoings? i mean besides the drinking and all that with him, i just felt that he is a good man that needs to grow up more and be more mature. one of my mates says that she thinks all men are retards, is that true? and all good nice guys are gay, is that true too?

    and from your experiences, i have also gone through the same deal. i put off everything, and would spend all my time with him when he gets back from work and i wont be doing any sewing. i put my own stuff off whenever he is around, so in that case am i putting my self worth on the bottom of my list?

    i have already moved out and i still want to see him and when i do, at the end of the meet, we always argue about things. i feel recently (yesterday) i AM the negative one. Cause I think I’m just repeating my mothers action, being negative, i always hate it when i be around her, cause she always complain, so thats why i never complain in my life, i just go through it. then with my partner, i always seem to complain and be negative around him, like when he drives too fast, i tell him to stop driving so fast and be careful, and when he parks the car, he almost hit the bank and i close my eyes and shriek. am i a freak?? i feel theres something wrong with me, that someone can see and pinpoint me what i can improve. so please help me tina. i wanna be happy.

    my personality is dual, im a gemini, and sometimes i feel so confuse, and i feel sharing you my story will somehow help me in many ways.

    thanks for the great article, and I’m going to read it again.

    with love,
    maz.

14. Soo

    Feb 27 09, 7:00 pm

    14

    Hi Tina,
    If you’re in the general LA area, maybe I’ve seen you at the PAX seminars. So far I’ve taken 3, including Celebrating Men Satisfying Women, Understanding Women (with a guy), and the Queen course.

    I’ve been a fan of Think Simple Now for 3 weeks. It was after the Queen course that I found your article on How to get over resentment. I found other articles that are just as honest and insightful. I’m so glad you decided to share your thoughts because I feel like you’re speaking directly to my heart.

    So I just wanted to say thanks :)
    And I look forward to hearing more,

    Best,
    Soo

15. Tina Su

    Feb 27 09, 7:26 pm

    15

    Hi Maz

    No, it is not true that “all men are retarded, and all nice guys are gay”.

    Men are incredible Beings who communicates and are designed differently than women. But due to our lack of understanding of them, we treat them as if they are stupid. Hence, starting the unnecessary conflict between men and women.

    It makes me sad to hear comments like this from women, because we don’t understand them, we put them down.

    If you are in the US, I highly recommend taking an intro workshop with Alison Armstrong’s company “PAX” (understandmen.com). Contact me for more details.

    At this point, I think you need to spend some time away from him or any relationships and spent time learning about and loving yourself. This will help to build up your inner strength and confidence.

    Please, also, check out “How to Find True Love” and “How to Get Over Breakups”

    Warmly,
    Tina

16. Sridiniari

    Mar 15 09, 9:49 pm

    16

    Tina, this is my favorite post of your blog.
    Why? Because I sense that you’ve find realization on that day on November.
    I have had insecurities too–much of it from my relationship with men.
    I am sure this post will help more of them out there.
    Just a few minutes ago, I print out this post and glued it to my journal of self development.
    Thank you Tina…Thank you for being here, showing me the way…

17. ArtMuse

    Mar 21 09, 2:20 pm

    17

    This is a powerful post, one that points to the obvious understanding that we are all connected, as women, and as human beings. Acknowledging our own needs, differences, and lack of knowledge is one step in the right direction towards finding balance.
    Loving ourselves is the only way we can ever hope to love others, or to fulfill our greatest desires in a connected and durable relationships with someone else.
    It has to start within ourselves.
    …and we have to be open to change.

    Tina and others have offered great resources (including Tina’s blogs and journal entries). I have also found a resource for women through Dr. Paul Dobransky. He has written several books, and one in particular, “The Power of Female Friendship”, is a powerful example of how our choices can determine the direction and quality of our lives and relationships. He also hosts an online forum at Womenshappiness.com
    Good luck all of you with your journey to find love within yourselves, and relationships that inspire you to be the best and most productive and passionate women possible.

18. marc

    Mar 23 09, 9:00 pm

    18

    Tina,

    I broke up with my girlfriend (3 times) because we “didn’t work out”. I’ve been contemplating “why” for soo long. I still love her and miss her to no end, but she was very hurt and I didn’t want to damage her emotionally any more, so I honored her request to stay away. Reading this dependency topic has really struck a chord. I think one of the things that I disliked about her was her dependency and “neediness”, which would surface in many ways. I of course didn’t realize the underlying motivation behind it then, but probably she needed some validation from me that she was beautiful and special. Anyway, it was a turnoff and contributed to the separation.

    Underneath it all, she has so much strength, life and love, and I wonder if time apart will open the door for us in the future, similar to how Avy here has been able to grow strong and find her true potential. Do I have reason to be hopeful?

19. Tina Su

    Mar 23 09, 9:18 pm

    19

    Hi Marc,

    I’ve found (within myself) that the more time I spend with myself, the more clarity I gain with my relationships with other people. The more comfortable I become with being alone, the more confident I become in my own skin, the less need I have to depend emotionally on another person, and this strengthens any romantic relationship that I do have.

    So, yes, I believe that time apart can be helpful. However, if she decides to find another person quickly to fulfill those needs of validation, she will not have time to her self to learn to appreciate herself through spending alone time.

    Perhaps the better thing to do, is to clearly communicate to her what you need, and before you do that, tell her all the qualities you love about her: “strength, life and love”.

    You might even consider sending her this article, or link to it. It might help.

    Warmly,
    Tina

20. Abby

    Mar 24 09, 9:40 pm

    20

    This is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
    I’m kind of shocked; the words you used to describe how you were living are a picture of my current state of mind in relationships. I love that you shared this, and I look forward to using this new truth and perspective in my own life.

    Thank you!

21. Amanda

    Apr 06 09, 4:49 pm

    21

    I’ve read this post hundreds of times, maybe.

    But only now a little light shined upon my head.

    I fit all the characteristics of a needy person, not only in romantic relationships but actually all types of it.
    Recently I decided to go to a therapist, and although I’m changing very slowly, I’m very hopeful that I’ll break my mental chains and be the person I always wanted to be: free, expressive and happy.

    Btw, Tina, I consider you as one of the people who led me into the path to my self (re)discovery. Thank you so much :)

22. phil Paliani

    Apr 28 09, 2:45 am

    22

    I to have this dependencey on my self worth about women i have been trying so hard to break away from this life style. I find my selfworth in direct coalation with who is on my arm. our article wasso to the point I will change this addiction and recover all my selworth. Phil

23. Rosy Idan

    Apr 28 09, 8:44 pm

    23

    Love it :)

24. buni

    Apr 29 09, 5:51 pm

    24

    i think ur right. right now, im 15 and in my sophomore year in high school. i absolutely hate it. theres also a guy in my life who is going off to be a marine and wants to marry me in a few years though we cannot legally date without messing up our lives. for some reason though i feel so insecure with this. i have been thru a lot with this guy and im so so afraid that something will go wrong and my dreams will be shattered (again). and at the same time i want to break from him and find a better love… but is there a better love for me? i need help from anyone. lately ive been looking up sights like this all over. i wish i had someone as romantic as me and someone who would do special things for me, alwayse be there, make me happy, be loyal, never make me question the love we share… i dont know… i need advise please :(

25. Tina Su

    Apr 30 09, 4:39 am

    25

    Hi Buni,

    My experience has been this:

    Once I started doing special things for myself, loved myself, knew how to make myself happy without needing another person, trusted myself, and had security within myself, I started to attract lots of single men who wanted to give me those things.

    It wasn’t until I started to love myself, felt secure and confident in my own skin, that these things truly happened for me.

    If you are insecure within yourself, even if you had a guy who had all those qualities you described, you will still feel insecure, and this will eventually drive him away.

    My advice: stop looking for love outside of yourself (for now), and focus within. Focus on building your self-confidence, get lost in doing things you love, take yourself out on dates, spend time with your friends. When the time is right, you will have so many people wanting to be in your life, you’ll have to start turning them away. :)

    Warmly,
    Tina

26. lily

    May 05 09, 8:15 pm

    26

    Thank you! You took my thoughts and feelings and put them to words. I will carry this with me in my days because I need to :)

27. Josie

    Jun 05 09, 9:12 pm

    27

    My name is josie i am 18 years old and every thing typed is me! I put all my self worth on other guys and drop everything i cared about before just for this one guy who i have idolized. they can be the biggest jerk but i have them up on this pedistal. i have not dated anyone for over a year and the year before this one was the worst for me i gave myself away to way too many people.. i hate what i did so i chose to stop drugs and my permiscuity. and now i am going to college to study to become a nurse. i still have a hard time with guys i will not let myself talk to them becuase i let my self get too far into it and then i start to obsses. When i was little my dad was the best dad in the world to me i loved him with all my heart,him and my mom divorced when i was two so going to visit him was all i knew, but as i grew up at age ten he moved in with a new wife and started a new family and soon forgot about me. He would call every now and then but the calls became scarce. On my 16th birthday he gave me $30 and decided to tell me that he did drugs and still does them. He has hurt me very bad but dont get me wrong my dad screwed me over and i did let it be an excuse for my drug use, bad grades, and permiscuity.. but when i turned 17 something happened one day i had an epiphany just like the one in the journal entry and i quit the drugs made honors at school and got into a good collge. So now i still have to find a way to deal with the depresion that my dad has bestowed upon me, and it is the hardest thing to deal with becuase i tryed to find that love i dont have from him in guys and now that i dont date i will find myself thinking about something me and my dad did when i was little and crying for a while, or i will even ask myself at times how could he leave me? or why he is the way he is? and i will feel deeply sorry for him becuase se is so messed up and he is missing out on me loving him. But at the end of the day I know who i am now and i know where i am going i have alot of work to do to get there, but i am ready!

    —— Josie <3

28. Cash Caldwell

    Jun 28 09, 11:58 pm

    28

    I just want to say thank you for your words of revelation. Every since my ex and I broke up I have been a mess. Seeking false love and short moments of joy. After having read your article I feel alive again… almost free. Of, course my eyes have just opened so my vision will be hazy. But they are open. Thank you helping me see… helping me beable to love again. For what are we with out it.

    Thanks again,
    Cash Caldwell

29. Ann Strong

    Aug 01 09, 4:48 pm

    29

    Thank you for your vulnerability. You write so beautifully about what is in my own heart, but I haven’t wanted to say out loud. Thank you, Tina, for speaking for that part of me who didn’t dare. You help me love her more . . .

30. lidija

    Aug 27 09, 12:24 pm

    30

    hi. I am a 19 year old girl and have been in a long-distance realitionship for a year now. This is my first long- term relationship and I am finding it really hard. In the beginnenig of the relationship my boyfriend seemed like the sweetest guy in the whole world. But no more and more of his true colors are beginning to show, he can be really selfish and really self-sentered sometimes. He asking my to give up some of my goals so that I can be with him and spend more time with him.before i fwlt like he apriciated me but now I feel like he is taking me for granted. He’s not mean to me or anything but it’s more the small things that hurt me. We fight a lot but he begs me to be with him and says that he loves more than anything and that he doesn’t want to lose me. But I don’t feel like he is the same person anymore. But still i can’t bring myself to leave him because I really do care about him and i love him but I don’t think this relationship is good for me. Why can’t he just be the same person that he was before and support me, i don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what else to do.

    Does anyone have an opinion or any advice?

31. phylis

    Sep 30 09, 12:27 am

    31

    hi i love everything that i have read it’s so encouraging.i will apply it in my daily life and in everything that i do thank you .

32. phylis

    Sep 30 09, 12:29 am

    32

    loving and accepting yourself is a wonderful thing.

33. Hannah

    Sep 30 09, 8:20 am

    33

    Hello Tina,

    thanks to google that i found your site and your experiences reflects myself too. thanks for this website that it helps me realized a lot of things like relationships, love and the best of all loving myself.

34. canali

    Oct 05 09, 4:47 pm

    34

    re: ”love your partner”….not so black and white my dear especially if one was abusive….best to go total NC and then later you can clear away the debris about loving one’s ex.

Your Thoughts?

Add A Comment

Trackbacks (4)

1. How to Find True Love | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Feb 11 09
2. JoshVanHook.com » How to Find True Love - Feb 11 09
3. Yup, I Got Hitched! | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Feb 26 09
4. Living Enlightenment | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Mar 20 09