Archive for Relationships

  • Insecurities: A Slice From My Diary

    Posted on 02.11.09 | 101 Comments

    Photo by: Asaf Einy

    The beautiful topic of relationships has occupied much of my mental space over the past few weeks. This is apparent through my recent articles on “How to Get Over Breakups” and “How to Find True Love” (New) via Think Simple Now.

    To write these articles, I had to dig deep within myself and recall my own romantic journey and all of the empowering things I’ve learned through the ups and downs of my own relationships.

    The most significant day in my personal growth was November 19, 2006. It was through the state of despair and depression I was in that the pain I was experiencing helped to nudge me into sudden clarity about what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.  It was an exceptionally exhilarating and liberating day for me.

    The following is a snapshot of my realization from that day, as written in my journal.

    From that day on, my life has never been the same.  The cycle of destruction had finally come to an end. Sometimes, life can only turn around when you’ve hit rock bottom.

    I hope that by sharing this slice from my diary, it will help to shine some light on your story and whatever it is that you are going through.  For anyone who’s ever felt insecure and insufficient, you are not alone.  There is hope, and the future is VERY bright!

    ” November 19, 2006

    Uncertainty is the topic of my day. No, actually it’s insecurities – the insecurity of not being liked, of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being alone, of not being loved. Through much realization about myself in the past few days, I discovered that I used to have a psychological dependency on men, or the idea of having a man there for me.

    In the most extreme sense, it was as if my entire self worth relied on this dependency, on this idea of support. Once that dependency is challenged and uncertainty is added into the equation, I become this insecure little girl, unable to continue. I scramble, I panic, I look for plan B, I start to seek out alternatives, replacements … pads to protect my body from shattering into little pieces should I fall from that balcony of visions that I’ve created.

    Visions and fixation, of hope, of ideals, of situations, of longing… all of which I have projected onto this man who is the current holder of my self-worth and whom I’ve depended on such that I cannot function normally without. He helps me to feel together, to feel complete. But he also hinders me from achieving my ultimate goals.

    In a deeply unconscious state, without knowing it, I’ve asked him to put an invisible leash on my self-worth and my security. As a result, he’s got all of my time, my attention, my heart, and my love and a momentary pause has been placed on my true passions.

    I have goals, but in the pursuit of keeping him happy, I set aside my goals and grace him with my attention and time. Deep down, secretly, I feel that without his image around, I will not be able to excel, and that I will not be okay. This of course is a false illusion, but because it’s been deeply buried in my subconscious, I have not been aware of it until now.

    With each partner, when their true, ugly qualities re-surface above the perfect image I’ve projected upon them, I abruptly leave and start seeking the next holder of my invisible leash.

    Today, I declare to the Universe that with this self revelation, I shall let this go, completely. I do not need it in my life, for it is no longer serving me.

    My true self worth comes from myself, my heart, and my perception of my world. I adore myself, I love myself, and I am a wonderful being with lots of love to share.

    I am in complete control of my life and my experiences. I gain more security in myself each time I do something that pleases me. I gain when I read wonderful books and learn new things. I gain when I am writing and exploring my feelings. I gain when I re-organize my life (living space, routine, health, goals). I gain when I think about all the wonderful blessings in my life. I gain when I take pictures that capture truth. I gain when I have meaningful conversations. I gain each time I accomplish a goal. I gain each time I think – with absolute faith that – I will always end up in the best possible place no matter what happens. There is something wonderful and valuable from every situation I encounter.

    I learned something today:
    Love yourself, and love others as if they were me.
    Smile lots, and spread joy.
    Be truthful, be compassionate, be patient, and be forgiving.
    Live with the big heart you were born with. ”