Think Simple Now » clarity

Finding Myself: Why I’m Quitting My Job

Cat Li Stevenson — Mon, 21 May 2012 00:00:22 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is the 3rd version of an intimate and insightful story from Cat. I highly recommend reading it. I hope something in this speaks to you as it has for me. And before you go, please help me wish Cat a beautiful journey in this new life chapter by leaving a quick comment at the end of this article.

By Cat Li Stevenson

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards.
They try to have more of what they want so they will be happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse.
You first must be who you are, then love what you do,
in order to have what you want.”
~ Margaret Young

I started my banking career 10 years ago out of convenience.

“My mom had worked in the industry, banking appears to be a respectable living, and I like money.”— That was the entirety of the thought process behind my career choice.

With a secure paycheck and material comfort as my guiding life force, I would spend most of my 20’s crafting my external life.

In the chase of social status, I would tone my body and count calories to exhaustion, obsessively furnish a home with all things Crate & Barrel, plan an early retirement by closely monitoring my 401K, take great trips (and then update them to Facebook immediately), as a recognizable reward for living a good life.

I have a nice car, two beautiful homes, and a cushy career. Between my banking job and a real estate gig as a part-time Agent, I was making a healthy living.

At 29, I have achieved all the material goals I could possibly want. The tradeoff for this lifestyle: most of my waking hours working for stuff that brought more stress and debt than joy and ease.

This truth emerged: well-having and well-being are not synonymous. Stuff and external achievement do not equate to happiness and inner fulfillment.

In recent years, a recurring restlessness came on strong – a motion sickness, of sorts, from an unconscious ferris-wheel routine.

I felt stuck.

I did have it backwards.

Back to banking, convenience, the achievement-based chase …

On June 1^st, I’m quitting my Commercial Banking job. I’ll be reorienting my focus from external to internal.

Four days to follow, on June 5^th, my husband and I will take a 12-hour drive from Phoenix up the coast of California to begin six months of dedicated mindfulness training at two Zen Centers.

This will kick-off a one-year dedication to fully invest in growth of three areas:

Wisdom and wellness – through work/practice at two Zen Centers
Personal development – will read many books and self-educate during spare time
Compassion – will go overseas and serve a charity.

This is a tribute to living forward.

Finding Courage to Leave My Job

Photo by Eduardoizq

“Once in awhile it really hits people that
they don’t have to experience the world they have been told to.”
~ Alan Keightley

The courage to arrive at a resignation letter and the hatching of purpose-driven plans did not come over night. It began four years ago with introspection, valuable guidance, and exploring income streams outside of my banking job.

My work commute and evenings became a full on churning of teachings attributed to more consciousness. In the process, I saw that the way I had chosen to live – for the love of security in the corporate world – wasn’t the only way.

Here is a list of inspirational activities and resources that broadened my awareness:

Read many books. Top six favorites: Think and Grow Rich, Today Matters, The Four Agreements, The Power of Now, The Big Leap, The Magic of Thinking Big.
Listened to motivational talks. I have a lengthy commute to work, and have utilized this car time to tune into motivational talks – inspiring podcasts, TedTalks, audio books of favorite authors.
Traveled and retreated. Traveling to many different places (in and out of the country) and attending retreats provides for fresh perspective. So often, our most resonant moments appear from venturing out and immersing in a new way of seeing.
Self-discovery exercises to facilitate a deeper self understanding. Two tools: personality Jung & Briggs Myers test (I’m in INFJ and so is Tina – what are you?) and a great worksheet to explore personal values.
Surrounded myself with mentors, conferences, friends, websites, and role models. Annual conference I attend: Wisdom 2.0; Dharma Talk I follow: Gil Fronsdal; Blogs I follow: Zen Habits, Tiny Buddha, Mind Body Green & Think Simple Now (of course); Meditation teachings I follow: Sarah McLean
Explored supplementary income during evenings and weekends, outside of my 9 to 5. I freelance wrote and started a real estate business.
Identified activities that brought me peace. I love rising at dawn, coffee and writing at cafes, listening to beautiful music. Intentionally making space for activities that bring calm is crucial to nurturing growth, clarity and creativity.
Breathed. Prayed. Did a lot of yoga, long walks, jogs, and journaling. Holistic practices and a daily routine of healthy habits are oxygen for my inner strength.

Takeaway #1:

Our daily growth and ability to tap into our inner wisdom is crucial to who we become.

Our environment – who we choose to surround ourselves with – cultivates our mindset.

And self-awareness is the start of untangling ourselves from the limiting beliefs, societal conditionings, and old habitual patterns that prevent us from living the most extraordinary life.

Economic Changes that Took Place

Photo by Moaan

“Things are thieves of time.” ~ Nathan Gardels

I recently heard this quote … and man, it’s so true! Here are the two strategic steps that took place over the past seven months to actualize leaving our jobs for a year.

1. Simplify Living Conditions

Leased out the two homes we own
Donated most of our furnishings (that previously filled a 5 bedroom, 2,600 square foot home)
Sent two dozen bags of clothes to Goodwill.
Had a garage sale for all remaining things
Got a PO BOX, as we will not have a a permanent physical address for a year
Sold one car
Went paperless: simplified the entire home office – I scanned all pertinent documents (tax returns, business documents, real estate leases, legal paperwork) into electronic files. Then, I saved them all onto an external hard drive. This makes being out-of-state/out-of-country very convenient.
Shrank ‘stuff’ so that step #2 would be easy to manage.

Outside of the basic essentials, after three months of minimizing down to nearly nothing, I realized there are only seven things I need for my well-being: vitamins, journal, coffee, music, laptop, a space (for yoga/meditating/writing), running shoes.

2. Get the Finances in Check

Took a giant chainsaw to discretionary expenses: got rid of everything outside of necessities – cable, the landscaper, lavish nights out, clothes, overpriced Whole Foods snacks.
Paid off credit card debts

Automated finances: all bill payments are on auto-debit and electronic statements that auto-filter into a “bills” folder in my email.
Created a detailed budget and projection for financial goals.
Revisited the budget weekly to track savings.
Set the corporate resignation date based off of savings goals.
Saved enough for one year’s expenses.

Takeaway #2:

A life heavy with stuff is distracting – it’s a complicated lifestyle that pulls us from spending time doing what we enjoy with who we love. We think we’re living, but we’re really dancing around in a circle of material upkeep.

Whether you’re leaving your job or not, I encourage you to simplify your material life (home, debt, finances) and you’ll notice a feeling of lightness and mobility– it’s freeing … like a deep exhale. You’ll find freedom in your ability to do more of what you want, when you want.

Be Who You Are (First)

Photo by Lauren Rosenbaum

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” ~Ghandi

This post is not to motivate you to quit your job (jobs aren’t bad). What is bad: living a knock-off version of who we are, shrinking our dreams, our quality of life and contributions to fit a tiny small-self mold.

Take an inner dive and practice listening to your intuition. Get to know who you are.

Instead of shuffling around a collection of stuff in the garage or maintaining a large lawn on the weekend, can you deliberately simplify your living conditions so you have more energy to do what you enjoy? Can you more frequently shift your attention inward — to connect – versus outward to distract?

Make space. Find activities in your life to expand your awareness and the feeling of inner peace.

Instead of spending evenings at happy hour talking about the cubicle slavery of a 9 to 5, can you invest in a new hobby? Brainstorm bigger possibilities? Surround yourself with passionate people who are loving life? Or find a mentor who can offer guidance?

Take action now – try new things, make mistakes, imagine possibilities, follow your heart and gut. The insights will ultimately appear.

Love What You Do (Secondly)

Let all of the external noise go. Become more conscious by attuning to your inner wholeness.

The inspiration and courage to “love what you do” will organically unfold as a by-product of being connected to yourself. Perhaps then, that will translate into quitting your job to pursue a deep-seeded passion. Or perhaps you may simply awaken to the life you’re already living now—and find it to be already perfect.

At the core, each of us is already beautifully complete. We just need to reorient ourselves back to that place.

Parting Wish & Takeaway #3:

May you be who you are. And the rest will follow.

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The Next Step to Freedom

Chris Guillebeau — Mon, 14 May 2012 00:00:17 +0000

Photo by JUCO

By Chris Guillebeau

Before I made the call, I worried.

I had the chance for a new client, a big sale, and a lot of money. It was during a time in my life when I could have used it. No, to be precise—I needed it, or at least I thought I did.

But something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t follow-through, so I finally looked the opportunity in the eye and said, “Thanks but no thanks.”

After I made the call, I stopped worrying. I walked outside and noticed that something was different about the sky. All of a sudden, it was blue! I felt as if I had never noticed before.

Then I saw the grass. It was green! Wow. For the first time in a long time, I noticed the individual blades that worked together to create a patch of earth clouds for my feet.

That situation with my work, and the thing I thought I needed? In the end, everything turned out OK, as it usually does. I just had to take the first step of turning it down.

The Next Step

When making a big change, most people take a lot of steps—not just one big one.

Are you stuck in the cubicle and longing for a life of independence? Guess what? The first step isn’t to quit your job. The first step is to start something on the side. (That’s what nights and weekends are for.)

Not sure what to do with your life? The first step is to ask yourself what you really want. (Most people don’t know, so if you figure it out, you’re already ahead.)

How can you do it? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Tell Yourself a Better Narrative

When making changes, you may hear from people who feel the need to hand out unsolicited reality checks. “Let me give you some advice…” “Be careful not to go too fast…”

What they mean is, “Here’s why I don’t want you to succeed.” Unfortunately, sometimes this feedback even comes from people you trust, such as your friends or family.

You can overcome the negativity by telling yourself a better narrative. Stop thinking about why you might fail. You’re a winner, so tell yourself why you’ll win. It’s your story. Don’t let other people dictate the terms.

2. Consider a Different Future

Start with the small things. Can you learn a new skill? Pursue a new hobby? Pay attention to the distinction between active vs. passive choices, and whenever possible, choose active. Every day you have countless opportunities to do so.

Passive choice: watch TV.
Active choice: take a walk.

(Note: this doesn’t mean you never make any passive choices at all. If there’s a special show you love to watch on TV, don’t feel like you need to give it up. Instead, focus on being deliberate about those choices.)

3. Get to the Turning Points

Every journey has a thousand steps and a few turning points. The turning points are important; they are the early signs that you’re on the right track. Turning points are milestones and confirmations from the universe that you’ve done the right thing.

When you get to one of them, savor it. Remember it as you take the next steps. Turning points will give you courage as the challenge increases.

The Next Step Is the Only Step

Over the past two years, I’ve been on a journey to talk with hundreds of “unexpected entrepreneurs.” None of these people went to business school, and none were independently wealthy. Yet all of them ended up crafting a successful project that created freedom—and an annual profit of at least $50,000 a year (often more).

I discovered that in most cases, they found their freedom by taking small steps on a regular basis.

They thought about the skills they already had, and discovered how to apply them in a different way.

In Florida, Jaden Hair created SteamyKitchen.com, a hub for Asian cooking. In some ways, Steamy Kitchen is all about recipes. But on a deeper level, it’s about family time. The website helps people get excited about making new dishes and connecting with the ones they love.

James Kirk left a good job in Seattle to move to South Carolina and open a coffee bar. It was a long process filled with a mixture of excitement and doubt, but it all began with a single decision: I should pack up and trade the life I have for another.

A scary thought, to be sure, but this thought led to an adventure like no other, and a new life bringing happiness and lattes to his customers.

Your own life is waiting to be reclaimed. Are you avoiding it or embracing it?

Complete freedom may be more than one step away, but the next step is the only step that matters.

What’s yours?

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About the Author:

Chris Guillebeau travels the world and writes for a small army of remarkable people. His new book, The $100 Startup, provides 300 pages of next steps for readers in search of freedom.

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How to Find Fulfillment (with Sarah McLean)

Cat Li Stevenson — Mon, 07 May 2012 00:00:54 +0000

Editor’s Note: The following is a conversation between Cat and her meditation teacher Sarah McLean. This is truly an inspiring piece. As I was editing this interview, I felt an inner shift happening within me and with it came a sense of serenity and peace. Hope this inspires you as it did for me. Sarah is truly an incredible and powerful human being. I look forward to learning from her. Don’t miss the giveaway at the end of this interview.

By Cat Li Stevenson

“Meditation is an essential travel partner
on your journey of personal transformation.
Meditation connects you with your soul,
and this connection gives you access to your intuition,
your heartfelt desires, your integrity,
and the inspiration to create a life you love.”
~Sarah McLean

A few years ago my husband and I drove to Sedona, Arizona to seek out a private mediation session.

At that time, I was embarking on a self-discovery journey, in deep inquiry about how to lead a more meaningful life. I had this fundamental restlessness that no longer had me fully engaged in daily life – I was uninspired by the complicated upkeep of the corporate hustle that was rewarded solely by material comforts.

Something was off. And I was seeking for answers.

With a mouthful of questions and ambiguity, I began to search outside for purpose and change: Should I move out of the country and teach English in Taiwan? Should I switch careers locally? Should I start a family?

Tucked away at the top of a mystical red mountain in Sedona, we arrived at the studio of meditation teacher, Sarah McLean. Though meditation wasn’t new to us, Sarah’s modern translation of meditation – coupled with our own thirst for change – sparked an inner exploration.

In the hour we spent with her, Sarah’s casual style, relate-ability, and guidance reoriented us to seek out a new life path.

Since leaving Sedona that afternoon, I have stopped looking outside for fulfillment: I wouldn’t move out of the country. I wouldn’t switch careers. I wouldn’t start a family.

I would, instead, become more still, contemplative, reflective … and take my attention inwardly. Not too long thereafter, my inner growth would manifest into external life-changing decisions (look for this new post next week).

Sarah’s practical guidance, as a mentor, has been influential in attuning to my inner wholeness. When she provided me a copy of her new book, you can imagine how excited I was to have this opportunity to share her inspirational wisdom with you—my TSN Family.

In Sarah McLean’s new book, Soul Centered: Transform Your Life in 8 Weeks With Meditation (Hay House), she offers a practical program, on a weekly basis, that instructs readers on how to explore our own awareness with mindfulness practices.

She provides bite-size, daily exercises that can ultimately transform the way we experience our lives with more ease and fulfillment. Alongside simple instructions for cultivating our inner world, she also generously shares her fascinating meditation journey.

The following is a conversation I recently had with Sarah, about life, fulfillment and the power of meditation:

1. How did meditation transform your life?

Question: Sarah, how long have you been a meditator? How did meditation transform your life?

I have been a meditator for 22 years, though I wanted to learn to meditate years before that. I just didn’t know where to turn.

I was a sad, stressed, confused young woman, and I searched everywhere-even traveling to other continents-to find peace and relief.

When I finally found meditation, it was the key to transforming my life—from one of suffering and pain to one of inner fulfillment.

My meditation practice helped me to know who I really am, what I truly want, and find that peace I had always searching for “out there”.

I am certainly living a fulfilling life now, and have been for years—a peaceful, satisfying and magical life—one beyond my wildest dreams!

2. Why Do We Struggle with Life Purpose?

Question: In your book, you outline an 8-week plan to a more meaningful life. What do you think is the main reason we struggle to live purposeful lives?

I believe the reason we struggle to live purposely is that what we prioritize in our life changes.

When we are very young all of us are basically joyous, free, and engaged with the moment at hand. There is an interconnection with our internal world – with what we feel, think, and desire – as well as with our environment. And this interconnection keeps our attention fully engaged in each moment.

By the time we’re 8 or 10 years old, our focus begins its shift. Instead of easily focusing inwardly on our own sensations, thoughts, and feelings as we had done as younger children, we begin to prioritize the external world with its variety, dynamism, and ever-changing landscape.

And by prioritizing the external world, our center-point begins its shift and our point of reference becomes the external world. This external world charms us as we wait for the next thing to see, to do, or to accomplish, or the next relationship.

So not only has our focus made its shift from the internal world to the external world, but the focus also shifts away from the present moment and our innate ability to be fulfilled with what is happening in the moment at hand and the joyous journey of our lives.

The focus is now on the future—waiting for the next moment as we struggle to reach our imagined goal, destination or whatever we perceive will MAKE us happy.

We are no longer fulfilled with the moment and feeling interconnected with our internal world and all that is supporting our life. This causes a subtle persistent discomfort. And, unfortunately, most of us continue to look externally for ways to address it.

Everyone wants to be happy, free, and fulfilled. And, here’s the thing, we already are – our soul, our being is naturally like that. And it is creative, wise, patient and loving too.

We can rediscover this aspect of ourselves by shifting our awareness back inside, into our inner world with the creating of an internally guided life.

It’s not that you have to sit around and meditate all day, but if you set aside some time for a meditative practice, a practice where you turn your attention inward, stay in the present moment, and focus on one thing at a time.

This facilitates the connection with your peaceful center-point on a regular basis, helping to re-establish the internal reference point – the connection to your soul.

Regular practice is how you become soul-centered, happy, fulfilled and creative.

3. What Is Transformation?

Question: The word transformation seems big – grandiose – what do you mean by transformation?

Transformation isn’t an exaggeration of reality or an absurd concept. Transformation isn’t an accomplishment. However transformation is impressive.

Transformation unfolds, naturally. You can’t will it. Instead, it has its own timing and intelligence and is guided by intent: like a seed growing into a seedling, a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, a bird hatching out of an egg, a rosebud in fully blooming.

The difference between making a change and undergoing a transformation is vast: a change can be temporary, and you can will it as you change your hair-color or your clothes or your name. You can always change back.

But transformation is evolutionary, and supported by all things.

There is no going back.

4. Soul Centered?

Question: And what does it mean to be soul-centered?

I came up with the term “soul-centered” to describe a shift in perspective which meditation cultivates: a transformation of the vantage point for one’s life. I’ve seen it in my students and in my own life. And there wasn’t a word for it.

For example: how do you answer the question, “How are you?” Many of us look to our external world to determine the response. We base how we’re doing on outside factors such as our relationship status, our work life, our state of health or wellbeing, our financial situation, and sometimes even on worldwide events.

With daily meditation, the external world begins to lessen its grip on your attention. Instead, you begin the inward focus and connect to your essence, your awareness, or what some people call “the soul.”

Though it’s always been there, your inner world often overshadowed by the external world. Meditation helps you to experience your inner world and how you feel, what you think and who you are – your soul. And you bathe in the soul’s qualities of peacefulness, stillness, creativity, wisdom, acceptance, and more self-awareness on purpose.

With this practice, this soul’s connection becomes more prevalent in your awareness—no longer overshadowed by external conditions. You begin to live with more internal awareness and your soul’s qualities are more dominant.

This transforms your perspective. So when you go to answer the question “How are you?” you don’t look toward externals. Instead, your reference point is internal. You check in. This is what being soul-centered means.

5. Science & Meditation

Question: What has science taught us about meditation?

Let’s face it, science hasn’t really taught us much about meditation, but what it has done is to confirm what meditators have been saying all along: that meditation is good for you!

And they’ve done meditation a good service, as this makes meditation more attractive to the general populace: those who may have previously been mystified by meditation and its attraction.

The outer world has been explored and much of it conquered, so as scientists are wont to do, they are finding new frontiers. And it’s now the inner world that has captured their attention. This is due to technology and the ability to measure deeper into the brain.

Years ago it was found that meditation helped with people’s physical issues, lowering their blood pressure, sleeping better, enhancing their immunity, etc. Then, it was found that meditation relieved mental issues like depression, lack of focus, addictions, or difficulty making decisions.

Over the last ten years or so, the new focus is the actual brain – or what’s called neuroplasticity. They see that meditation can actually change the physical structure—the gray matter—of the brain.

And not only do the changes occur while in meditation, but they last long after the meditation is over. They are finding that the areas of the brain change—the stress-response area of the brain shrinks (the amygdala) and the self-awareness area of the brain increases its folds (the insula).

These findings show beyond a doubt why those who meditate really do experience more compassion, more self-awareness, and less stress.

6. Transformation For Normal People

Question: You’ve had a pretty amazing spiritual journey – living in a Zen Buddhist monastery, meditating in ashrams, temples throughout India and the Far East – can we accomplish a similar transformational life in our ordinary routines?

Funny, when I first learned to meditate, I had this poem from T.S. Elliot cut out and pasted to my wall:

We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started,
And know the place for the first time.

My journey took me all over the world. I loved where I went, the people I met, and the experiences I had, and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

However, the time I spent on planes, trains, buses, tuk-tuks and wagons, hiking and riding my bike throughout the remote areas of the world seeking wholeness, could have been spent exploring my inner terrain at home. You know the saying, Wherever you go, there you are. It’s true.

I was dissatisfied with my life, and I was motivated to find peace and fulfillment.

What I didn’t know then was that the external world is not where I’d find the answers to many of the questions I traveled with, such as Who am I? What are the mysteries of this life? What do I want? How can I be happy? How can there be peace?

I didn’t even imagine that the answers would be found when I quieted my mind, when I shifted my focus internally, and could be had without leaving my room.

It was often after some time of silently sitting in meditation that many of the ah-ha moments arrived.

Franz Kafka illustrates what I am suggesting: “You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

7. Who Am I?

Question: I remember when my husband and I first met with you for our meditation session, you asked us to reflect on the question, “Who Am I?” Throughout your book, you ask your readers to reflect on many questions – How does inquiry and meditation, together, play a role in transformation?

When you ask the question, “Who am I?” who is doing the asking? And who is it asking?

Who am I is a koan, a question that stops the mind’s rational response.

So, that instead of responding with reason, you dive into a deeper realm, the realm of being. When you do that, you begin to transform the way you see life and the reference point for all activity.

Who is the one reading this right now? Where does my awareness arise from? Ask and you begin a dialogue with something other than your intellect.And this gives you the direct experience of your soul, your being.

8. Meditation For Busy People

Question: We’re all so busy. Now in addition to eating well and going to the gym, I need to fit in one more wellbeing tool—-meditation. And you suggest 30 minutes/twice a day? Is there a secret to how to fit it into your life?

I’ve found, and so have my students, that when you fit in 20-30 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning, then your entire day goes more smoothly.

If you can’t do that, five minutes once a day will show some benefits. You see, meditation creates a settling of the mind and body, and relieves stress that has built up over time. This has an effect on your whole life.

Think about it, how long do you wait in line at Starbucks? How long do you spend surfing the Internet? Set your priorities. Give yourself the same amount of time to do something that will garner proven results – results that will ultimately transform your life.

Special Promotion

If this interview spoke to you, grab a copy Soul-Centered and actually try the bit size exercises from the book. Witness as your life transforms in an extraordinary way by integrating meditation into your daily ritual.

SPECIAL PROMOTION: If you order a copy of Soul-Centered by May 15^th email a copy of your confirmation to Sedonameditation@gmail.com and Sarah’s team will send you a copy of her Guided Meditation CD as a FREE GIFT ($20 Value).

Giveaway for You

We are giving away 5 copies of Sarah’s book Soul Centered: Transform Your Life in 8 Weeks With Meditation and beautiful Meditation CD to 5 people. Do you want one?

To Enter: Leave a comment below. In your comment, you can answer the question: “How do you want to feel?”

Alternative entries: tweet this article and leave a link to your tweet in the comment below.

Entries into the giveaway will close on May 31, 2012 at 8am PST. Make sure to use a real email address in the comments (Only TSN editors will see your email). If you’re a winner and we do not hear from you in 3 days, we will redraw.

Before you go: If you found this article helpful, please share it on Facebook, RT on twitter. Follow us on facebook and twitter. Subscribe to receive email updates. Thank you for your support!

More About Sarah

Sarah McLean is an inspiring contemporary meditation teacher, makes meditation accessible to everyone. She has been featured in the New York Times, and Phoenix Woman magazine calls her “an inspirational and dynamic teacher”

She has been teaching meditation since the early 90s and has worked with some of today’s great teachers, including Deepak Chopra, Byron Katie, Debbie Ford, and Gary Zukav.

To learn more about Sarah McLean and the retreats she’s created, you can visit Soul Centered, Sedona Meditation and Join her on Facebook.

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How to Plan the Unexpected

Kayla Albert — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:00:34 +0000

Photo by Sandra Lara

By Kayla Albert

“Life is what happens to you
while you’re busy making other plans.”
~John Lennon

Plans are what I’m good at.

I plan my meals, outfits, weekends. I plan what I’m going to say when confronted by a certain someone, what my life will look like six months from now and how I’m going to spend the tax return that hasn’t yet hit my account.

I plan because I like control, because the only surprises I like are of the party variety and because I don’t want to have to face anything that I’m not entirely ready for.

Yesterday I was forced to acknowledge the very real possibility that my job may not be here in the next six months. Possibly even the next six days.

That certainly wasn’t in my plan.

News like this seems to always be a little shocking — even when we hear whispers of financial trouble or watch other people clear out their desks over and over again. For me it’s shocking because I have the naive idea that things won’t happen if I don’t plan for them to happen.

Despite the situations in my life that have told me otherwise, I thought that the universe was taking notes when I created blueprints for my life. Turns out, there’s a bigger plan that I have yet to be privy to.

My sister was 24 when she found out that she was pregnant with my niece — old enough to take full responsibility for the life of the child, but in no way prepared for such a life change.

The truth is, when I would talk about the 3+ kids I hoped to some day have, she balked at the idea of even having one. It simply wasn’t what she planned for her life.

Despite the initial shock, she spent the following months adapting to the idea, growing to accept the change and eventually showing excitement for that next unpredictable step.

Now, three and a half years later, any thoughts that this isn’t the perfect situation for everyone involved have long since dissipated. By no means is it perfect because it’s easy or without upset. It’s perfect because it has brought to the surface the lessons that needed to be learned and helped facilitate a variety of life experiences.

It’s morphed my sister into someone she would not have become if she wasn’t faced with something she wasn’t expecting, something she hadn’t mapped out.

In taking a moment to step out of my own fear, these are the things that I have learned about why we plan and what it actually means for our growth and wellbeing:

1. Avoid the Uncomfortable

Planning helps us avoid the uncomfortable itch that comes along with growth.

When we make plans for ourselves, we generally try to steer around any foreseeable bumps in the road. In fact, that’s the real basis for making plans in the first place.

However, it’s the unexpected curveballs that allow us to make the biggest leap towards self-understanding and awareness.

I learned multitudes about what I wanted for my life after enduring a breakup that was completely out of the blue. I learned how to trust my instincts and listen to my gut after being forced to walk away from a lengthy friendship.

I plan to avoid these lessons because they’re painful. But steering my way around them wouldn’t have had the same payout. Not even close.

2. Illusion of Certainty

Planning gives us the illusion that we can control our circumstances as well as the actions of others.

I would say that the majority of the time that we find ourselves hurt by others, it stems from the tough realization that we have no control over how others feel, think or act.

By making plans and expecting those around us to fall in line, we believe we have everyone under control that we can avoid being hurt or disappointed. Unfortunately, this illusion of control makes it even more devastating when things don’t go as planned.

Control in any situation, no matter what it looks or feels like, is not real. Being able to recognize this can relieve us of a heavy burden — the responsibility we feel when things fall through or simply don’t work the way we had hoped.

3. Plans Are Based on the Past

Our plans are dictated by what we can physically see or imagine from experience.

When we look to create plans for ourselves, they are almost always dictated by what we know to be true — things we, or someone around us, have experienced. But the possibilities are almost always far greater than what our mind is able to create for us.

How, for instance, can a person plan to travel to a country they’ve never heard of on a continent they never learned anything about? They wouldn’t. It would be through unplanned circumstances that they might have the opportunity to open their mind to this possibility.

It’s these unexpected events that lead us to create the best possible version of ourselves, and the most fulfilling life experiences.

4. A Plan is an Excuse for Being Stuck

Planning is an acceptable covering to being stuck.

Fresh out of college, I spent over a year working at a job where the pay was poor. There was little respect and virtually no room for growth. But my plan all along was to stay until I found something else.

Well, it’s easy to not put your all into looking for a job when you already have one. So I stayed on month after month, complaining about all the things that I loathed about the position, my boss and the pay.

It was the plan that made me feel like staying was the responsible thing to do and I thought I was actually being incredibly smart. But the plan simply kept me stuck with an excuse as to why it was ok.

5. A Plan Creates the Illusion of Control

Planning allow us to believe we can create and maintain our own flow.

It’s undeniable that life has it’s own flow. Things come in and out of our experience without us having to dictate what should go where and why.

Planning leads us to believe that we can be the creator of our own flow, picking and choosing the optimal times certain things will occur in our lives. It just doesn’t work that way.

As much as we try, we can’t always see the big picture — i.e. how losing one job could open the door to one better suited to our wants and needs. We simply see the inconvenience and pain such an event can lead to.

In my attempt to see this potential life change as a positive step forward, I’m handing all planning over to universe with the expectation that the outcome will be far greater than anything I could plan on.

What life plans should you hand over?

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The End to Worry

Rebecca A. Watson — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 00:00:37 +0000

Photo by JUCO

Guest Contribution by Rebecca A. Watson

“Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.
Keep in the sunlight.” ~Benjamin Franklin

A friend and I were on a beautiful hike through the redwood. It was early morning, and the mist still hung in the trees, but the sunlight had started streaming through the branches, little beams of heaven.

“I hope I locked the car,” she wondered out loud.

We both looked at each other and started laughing. Here we were in arguably one of the most beautiful and special places on the planet, and she couldn’t help but worry about the car doors.

It’s something we’re all guilty of, and it’s a tough habit to break: worry. It can rob us of our sleep, our joy and in many cases our sanity.

When I was only 21, struggling to pay for school and other bills, I made a rare discovery: Worrying won’t make me more money.

It was like a light bulb went on for me. Of course, it didn’t make me stop worrying completely, but I started to see worry for what it really was, and I knew I could beat it.

Over the years I’ve become much more adept at managing my inner worry-wart, and I’d like to share some of that, because I believe with a little practice, worry can be a thing of the past. And when it leaves, it creates more room for peace, love and beauty in our lives.

Insight into Your Inner Worry

The reason most people are angry, stressed out or filled with anxiety is because they can’t answer the burning question inside them: Why? In order to answer that, you need to get the hard data. This is the easy part, but it takes some legwork.

The following is a two-step process to gaining insight and understanding into your worries—recognizing what they are, when they happen and what triggers them.

1. Identify Your Hot-Button Issues

Keep a small notebook with you for three days. (Trust me, it’s worth it.)

Divide the pages into three columns. Every time you worry, write down what you worry about, when and where you are.

After the three days, go through your notes and tally up your “what” column.

There are usually a few big ones that stand out. These are the hot-button issues that cause us to worry. For me, it was money and how people perceived me.

2. Identify Your Worry Triggers

This is where your “when” and “where” columns come into play. Grab a piece of paper and a pen.

Draw out four (or less) columns. Write your top four hot-button worry issues at the top of each column.

You may have more or less hot-button issues than four. The point is to keep it to a maximum of four worries. I had two reoccurring worries: money and how people perceived me, and I just focused on these two for this exercise.

Write down the times and locations of each worry instance. Once you’re done, look through each column for patterns. Notice if you tend to worry more during a certain time or activity. These are your triggers.

For example, I found that I would worry about money after I looked at catalogs or magazines.

Pay attention to the “whens” of each column where you find yourself worrying about things, and start to become sensitive to them. Take proactive steps to avoid your triggers.

For example, in my case, I unsubscribed to a lot of magazines. I quit looking through catalogs. Immediately, I felt a lot better.

When you can’t avoid your triggers, be aware that you might worry more but to not take it so seriously. Tell yourself: “I’m just worrying about that right now because of A, B or C.” And move on.

How to Deal with Your Inner Worry-Wart

Learn to have conversations with your inner-worrier. This is vital. The voice in your head that worries is there for a purpose. There are certain things that should make your hair stand up.

But just because that worrier is supposed to be there doesn’t mean it belongs in the driver’s seat. This is when knowing your triggers become vital, because it gives you factual ammunition that can help your worrier calm down.

1. Be Kind and Encouraging

I’ve read a lot of self-help books that say you’ve got to be aggressive toward certain parts of yourself in order to tame them into submission.

I disagree. We have enough tough love in the world. It’s time for a little kindness. Your inner worry wart is frazzled enough working overtime, oftentimes in unstable conditions.

When you start chatting with the part of you that worries, remember that this part of you can be like a child: Handle with care. Try to avoid chastising or saying hurtful things.

Use phrases that are friendly. “I understand that you are worried.” Be empathetic. “It must be hard work worrying like this all day. ” Offer to be helpful. “What can I do to make things easier for you?”

2. Ask Questions

Start with the easiest: “What are you worried about?” And then let your worrier talk. Then ask: “How does worrying make you feel better?” Listen to what it says.

Then talk with it about the triggers. “Do you think you’re just worrying because we spent time doing this activity?” Your inner worrier might have a bit of an ego, but if you’re kind, it will usually admit the truth.

Then ask the kicker: “What will worrying about this do?” The answer is almost always nothing. “So why do you continue to worry?” To which your worrier can’t say much.

3. Gratitude & Compliment

When your worry-wart gets to that point where it admits that there isn’t really a reason to worry, celebrate with it! When you notice it’s been quiet from worrying, compliment it.

But understand that it may still want to hold on to the habit because it feels like that is all it’s good for. It may feel useless without the unnecessary worry.

This is why it’s important to acknowledge how grateful you are when it’s quiet. And it’s also important to compliment it when it speaks up in a situation that’s questionable.

“Thanks so much for speaking up when I thought about going through that deserted field at night. That was a bad idea.”

4. Be Vigilant But Be Patient

Worrying is a habit that for many of us, is as old as we are. You can’t break a habit like that in a week. Or even a month.

Even now, a decade after my realization, I catch myself worrying about finances, going over my bills in my head or mentally balancing my checkbook.

At this point I have to remind myself that I trust myself, I make good choices and most importantly, that worrying isn’t going to make my bank account balance go up. And then I move on.

The End to Worry

If you spend some time working with yourself and make a commitment to worry less, I can guarantee that other parts of your life will become more beautiful.

The space you create by removing worry will be filled with wonderful things. You will have more mental and physical energy and your body will thank you for it. I encourage you to grab a notebook and give it a try!

* What do you worry about? What did you learn from this article? Share your thoughts and insights with us in the comment section below.

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About the Author

Rebecca is a fierce optimist who believes in the power of making life happen. After realizing optimism doesn’t jive with journalism, she left newspaper to create her own brand of marketing through education and humor. Balance and mindfulness are her latest pursuits, along with learning to knit. Read her blog and follow her on Twitter for her latest enthusiastic (and sometimes witty) remarks.

The Illusion of Time

Kayla Albert — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:00:05 +0000

Photo by JUCO

By Kayla Albert

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” ~Will Rogers

Last Saturday morning, as I sat at the corner coffee shop with my mom cradling my daily caffeine fix, I found myself going into a long rant on all the things that were currently irking me in my life. The list was a long one, and I was convinced that each problem was valid.

But as my mom steered me in the direction of brainstorming solutions for these problems, I quickly and easily came up with reasons why they wouldn’t work.

“Maybe you should try exercising. Being active really helps to improve your mood,” she said.

I was quick on the rebuttal.

“But I just don’t have the time.”

I knew it was a lie before I even said it. I had spent the previous night watching a ridiculous amount of reality TV and organizing a stack of papers that probably should have just gone to the trash.

Time was just the easiest, most guilt-free excuse I could think of. And, if we’re being honest here, it’s the easiest most guilt-free excuse most of us can think of when we go to explain why we don’t call family members we haven’t spoken to in months, or why we don’t tackle the new hobby we’ve been thinking about trying.

It takes all the responsibility from ourselves and puts it on something that we believe we have no control over.

For me, it’s always been exercise. I’ll begin a routine, start to feel a difference in my body and mind, and then decide one day that something else is more important, that my schedule is just too full to continue with such a commitment.

Yet even as I consciously decide to release myself from any pressure I feel to get moving, I know I’m not doing myself any sort of service. I know that sitting in front of a computer screen for eight hours followed by another two in front of the TV is detrimental to my body.

I feel bad. But to me, lack of time is always an understandable excuse.

Ironically, a few days after the conversation I had with my mom, I ran across an article in the Wall Street Journal — “Are You As Busy As You Think?”

After explaining in some detail studies that were conducted to show that Americans grossly underestimate the amount of free time they have, the author made a suggestion that immediately flipped a switch for me.

“Instead of saying ‘I don’t have time’ try saying ‘it’s not a priority,’ and see how that feels. Try it: ‘I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.’ ‘I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.’ If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

Stating that I didn’t exercise because I didn’t have time sounded entirely reasonable to me. But when I changed it to say, “I don’t exercise because taking care of my body is not a priority,” I suddenly felt completely out of alignment with that excuse. I knew that it didn’t sit well with me because it’s not who I am or who I want to be.

So I went for a walk, taking slow deliberate steps, acknowledging the fact that my body was responding positively to being outside and the movement was helping to clear my mind.

The next day I did a yoga video in my living room, using my TV to help me–instead of hinder me–in my attempt to be kind to my body.

That weekend I committed to twice weekly work out sessions with three of my girlfriends, knowing that giving my word to others would help me stay accountable to myself.

When I decided to take the excuse of time off the table, I began to take notice of the underlying reasons — the real reasons — why I did or didn’t do certain things in my life:

I avoided calling my ailing grandma because I didn’t want to be witness to her deterioration, I’d rather remember her as she was when I was young.
I gave up drawing because it brought to the surface feelings of inadequacy I struggled with when I attended art school.
I abandoned the idea of taking photography classes because I didn’t feel like I would ever have the eye for it.
I ate processed foods and take-out because I didn’t trust that I could ever really learn how to cook and I was embarrassed at any attempts I made to try.

Each of these things had been grouped in the same category — “the things I should do but simply don’t have time for.” Creating this broad umbrella in which to place them under was the easiest way to curtail the real issues, the real insecurities, the real hurts I was consciously or unconsciously trying to cover.

While I’m more aware of the things I’ve worked to avoid now than I’ve been in the past, I haven’t corrected every single one of them just yet. However I do notice that taking the comfortable, fall-back excuse of “time” out of the equation makes keeping certain things the same seem counter-intuitive.

When you expose the truth of why you do things, it prompts you to make decisions that fall more into alignment with who you are and the direction you wish to move in. To me, this seems incredibly empowering.

Is time an excuse you’ve used in the past to get out of doing something that’s in your best interest or in the best interest of those around you?

Here are a few questions I asked myself when I started exploring this in my own life:

1. What are all of the things I haven’t done because I “didn’t have the time?

Not everything you put on the back burner is something you should pursue, but making a list of everything you’ve avoided with this excuse can be incredibly eye opening.

How do you feel when you pair each of the things on your list with the statement, “It is not a priority?” If it doesn’t feel like something you’d want to repeat out loud, then it’s likely something you should look into further.

2. What is it that I’m really trying to avoid?

Sometimes we are trying to avoid failure, other times we’re trying to avoid hurt — either way we are simply hindering our growth by avoiding tasks or situations that could get us out of our routine and teach us something great.

3. Where is my time going?

Do a time audit. If you spend ten minutes a day checking Facebook, that is over an hour a week that could go towards taking a class or catching up with a friend.

The time is there, it’s simply a matter of spending it more deliberately.

Each day I now set my intention to give my physical body the same amount of attention I give my mind. I know that it’s possible and time is no longer an obstacle I can fall back on.

What will you pursue now that you have the time?

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Discover Your Personal Values

Leah Pearlman — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 00:00:19 +0000

Photo by Lisa Devlin of Gala Darling

Editor’s Note: When Cat introduced me to Leah earlier this year, she said “Leah is one of the most mindful people I’ve ever spoken with”. After experiencing her work–both written and drawn–I agreed. Take the time to read the story below. It’s worth it. One of the most conscious piece of writing I’ve read. Enjoy!

By Leah Pearlman

“At the end of your life” a friend once asked, “What do you hope to have happened?”

I thought it was a great question and decided to give him a thoughtful answer, so I pocketed it for later and bought myself a month for the assignment.

For a while my mind flooded with questions of plot. Will I fall in love? Will I have kids? Will I know passion in my work? Will I touch lives? Will I change the world for the better? What will my regrets be? Where will I have traveled? Where will I have lived?

Will I have really traveled? Will I have really lived?
When I was a kid watching movies, I used to shout during tense scenes, “Ah! What’s gonna happen?” My dad would laugh, “How should I know? I’m watching the same movie you are!” I wasn’t really asking him. But the uncertainty is unnerving.

It’s so tempting to ask questions about how things will turn out, grasping at some kind of assurance in a constantly changing world.

But the answers are not here, not now.

They’re waiting patiently at the end of the story, relaxing in the shade. Probably sipping lemonade. They’re not going anywhere. So perhaps it’s better to let the questions go and just give in to the possibilities.

“Will I this? Might I that?” I let all those questions go, and soon a new question began peaking around the corner of my consciousness.

Rather than asking what life I hoped to live, I began wondering how to live life. The assignment had changed for me, from one of story telling to an inquiry into my own personal values.

Finding My Personal Values

For most of my life, I believe I inherited my personal values from my context. Looking back, I can see that in the years before getting into a good college, the most important thing to me was just that–getting into a good college.

Once at Brown, it was the grades. After graduating, I spent two years working and living, proving my independence to…myself? I think?

And then I came to work at Facebook, a company with deeply embedded and well-articulated values. I believed in the vision and my coworkers, which was enough for me to adopt the values of the company as my own.

Efficiency and leverage became important to me, along with openness, connectedness, and impact. These were the things that kept me up at night.

What should’ve kept me up was my dad’s cancer. He’d been diagnosed sometime while I was in college, but I mostly pretended he hadn’t, because that was easier. I assumed he’d just get better.

But then one day, during my Facebook years, he got worse. X-years-to-live type of thing.

I was tempted to push the news aside again and go back to helping democratize the world’s information (also known as processing my email) when something inside me flipped, snapped, woke up, and sang out.

I saw in an instant that I was living a life on autopilot. I was asleep at the wheel and I had been for… could it be? Forever? So, what do I do now?

That day I put in a request for a six month leave-of-absence, needing space from my own life in order to see it. And to spend time with my parents.

In the two years that followed, I began, super slowly, to start following my own heart. As unpracticed as I was, it often spoke in low tones, gave me mixed messages, or long bouts of silence.

This is still true, but the more I listen, the more I hear. And now that I’ve spent some time living in accordance with my own intuition, I can look back and see a new cohesion take shape, my very own personal values are becoming clear.

And just before I share them, I’d like to add that one result of following my heart is ending up in the presence of amazing teachers and role models. Much of what follows comes directly from what I have learned from them. Big hug. Deep bow.

Value #1: Truth

I can’t presume to know all the manifestations of living a truthful life, but I hope to always live into that question.

One aspect of truth I’ve come to value is the ability to see clearly.

A practical way I’ve learned to see True versus False is through “Is” versus “Isn’t.” I value learning to see what IS.

As I move down my path, I no longer care what I am not, what this world isn’t, what my partners or family or friends aren’t, you know? Rather, who am I? Who are they? What is happening?

Recently a friend stopped emailing me when he got a new girlfriend. My first thoughts were “He isn’t responding”, I’m not as important to him”, “I not being supported” and “I don’t have my close friend anymore.”

It took me a few weeks to let go of what wasn’t happening and see what was. He was falling in love. My hurt and anger had kept me from being happy for him.

And as I began writing for myself each day instead, I was developing my internal support. My sense of loss and indignation had kept me from seeing the growth in myself.

Along with the isnt’s I am also learning to let go of the shoulds and shouldn’ts, the can’ts, didn’ts, weren’ts, and the needs and has-tos.

I’ve also taken on the practice of speaking as truthfully as I can, which has come to include saying not simply whatever is true, but also what is kind, helpful and timely.

Communicating truth is not just to lie or not to lie. Rather, it’s an art.

I can send you a text to tell you I love you. Or I can open my door to you whenever you knock; answer whenever you call; or listen whenever you need. Which is most true?

Recently I heard someone say that speaking truthfully is only half the game, “How truthfully can we listen?” Listen without judgment, without expectation, without interruption, and without planning a response?

Value #2: Self-Love

Until two years ago, I liked myself.

If you’d asked me to swap with anyone I wouldn’t have done it, and I often felt proud of who I was and what I’d done.

But I didn’t LOVE myself. I didn’t LOVE myself as if I was absolutely perfectly wonderfully unconditionally irresistibly lovable.

Like truth-seeking, it may be a journey that lasts my whole lifetime, but these days I’m aggressively committed to honoring myself, my needs, my desires, my tastes, my emotions, my choices, my past, my intentions, my body, my art, my mistakes, my everything.

I hope to honor it all as if there is nothing more important in this world to honor. I (am working to) love myself as if I’m my own child; as if me and myself were the last two people on earth.

I believe in myself as my very own religion. Not in a way that ranks me above anyone else; but allows for everyone to be their own personal God. I don’t know who said this, but I like this quote, “If everyone healed them selves, the world would be healed.”

My body, my self, this physical being is the way in which I interact in the world. What my body does, how it acts, what it says, what my fingers type, that is the only contact I have with this Universe.

This is my vehicle. This is my tool. This is it. So I need to keep it healthy and happy, and energized. I need to know everything about it. I need to learn to use it as wisely as possible.

This self, it’s the only thing I have, really, so I will love it, worship it, and learn to make it shine as brightly as I know how.

Value #3: Set an Example

While I’m learning to honor and love myself, I try to remain aware of the effect that my actions have on others. I’m healing myself with the desire of healing the world.

So after asking “Is this right for me?” The next question is “What example does this set?” They are deeply related. The answers can’t be separate because nothing is right for me unless it is also right for others to witness.

Sometimes it might feel good to complain or gossip, but what example does that set? We speak a thousand times a day, and each time is an opportunity to say something helpful or harmful.

Sometimes I rush to be first in line, get the best seat, get the best piece, etc., without regard for how that might be affecting others around me.

Quite often I find excuses for living out of line with my personal values. Asking what kind of example I’m setting so often sheds light on the gray areas and helps me pay attention to the broader impact of my actions.

Value #4: Empowerment

The world is. It is what it is.

What good is, “I wish my parents would…” or “the world was…” or “my boss would…” or “my friends this” or “traffic that” or “the weather this” or “anything that?”

The world is what it is.

People are how they are.

I don’t sit around getting annoyed that gravity doesn’t work differently (well, sometimes) because it just IS. So, the world is what it is and I want to live a happy peaceful life.

Really, the only question left: how do I do this? What do I change? Who do I become?

I love this quote: “Feeling resentment is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die.” Even if I don’t change the world at all, I am empowered to change the feelings and responses I have to it.

Recently, an almost-landlord of mine pulled some weird stuff. I spent a few days feeling angry, and then annoyed, and now I’m almost up to compassion.

I may never meet the guy again, so it’s not for his sake, it’s for mine. Anger feels crappy, like I’m caging an animal inside me. Annoyance is the same, but maybe like a fly instead.

Compassion, however, is like drinking a warm cup of Chai: cozy, sweet, and energizing. It feels great to my insides.

My experience of this life will be the sum of my actions and my reactions, so if I want to live a good life (which I do! I do!) I will cultivate healthy responses. I want to take full accountability for everything that happens to me. I’m not a victim of anything. I am free.

Value #5: Creating What I Crave

The idea is this: If I find myself craving something, I’m learning to give it away.

If I’m lonely, I look for ways to make someone else feel less lonely. If I wish someone loved me, I find someone to love. If I think I’m being wronged, I find a way to apologize. If I want more community in my life, which I do, I will create it.

I believe the clearest sign of what I am meant to cultivate in the world is identifying that which I crave the most. It’s harder than it sounds.

When I walk into the kitchen and see dirty dishes everywhere, you can bet my gut instinct is not to joyfully clean up after everyone. But, that’s how it works. I have two paths to peace in that moment: let go of the irritation, or do the dishes myself.

Understanding that which I crave is actually that which I am best suited to foster. That’s pretty damn empowering.

Value #6: Humor

While sometimes humor can seem like a frivolity, that which comes at the end of a knock knock joke, or after the chicken crosses the road, it must be more.

Humor melts ice. It cuts tension, and lightens the heaviest loads. Humor has the capacity to transform suffering to joy.

Sometimes humor is all that can break down the walls of one perspective, opening up new ways of seeing, which offers us new choices. It can communicate truths that can be easily tuned out in every other way.

I had a teacher who once said that humor puts the “light” in “enlightenment.” I think the reason humor has made it into my set of core values is because I need it to keep the rest in perspective.

We are each, after all, infinitesimal in the span of time. So humor reminds us that while everything is important, nothing is so serious.

Value #7: Love Everyone

I will spend the rest of my life learning to see every person on this planet as lovable as a small child or a cute puppy, and also, as wise as the wisest teacher–as worthy of worship–as my highest value.

Like the rest, this is going to take a while, probably my whole life. But for now, my days are laced with small openings.

I’m proactively choosing to spend time with people who confuse me. I’m spending more time chatting with strangers. I’m spending time with the same homeless people I used to pretend I didn’t see.

I’m watching children more. And animals. I’m asking more questions. I’m cultivating patience. I want to love everyone not for his or her sake, but for my own.

Loving feels SO good. The beauty here is that the path to loving more, is loving more; the journey and the goal are the same. And so, I practice.

Value #8: Aesthetics

I’ll never forget a conversation I once heard between two friends.

“Why do you do what you do?”

“To maximize the good. And you?”

“Aesthetics.”

I spent years trying to understand this answer. At first, it made no sense whatsoever.

I’d spent my life trying to perform, improve, excel, achieve, each moment fueling the next like my body was on fire and a lake just ahead.

Like the first friend who answered, I lived in a world of right and wrong, where right led to happiness and wrong to suffering. But “aesthetics”? To me that word had only to do with art, and only to do with a single moment in time.

How does that look? How does it make me feel now? Through this friend’s answer I began to see the whole world as a single work of art to be viewed and re-viewed in one discrete moment after the next.

In this framework, our actions are decided not by what we expect to produce the best future outcome, but by what yields more beauty now. And that’s “beauty” in every dimension, not just beauty according to the senses, but as the heart can appreciate it.

In this framework, nothing is about right and wrong, happiness vs. suffering. Actions just result in more or less beauty along an infinite scale.

Last night I was offered a ride and chose to walk home in the rain. Why? Aesthetics. Yesterday, aesthetics guided me to read a book cover-to-cover.

Sometimes we feel called to act in a way that doesn’t make the most logical sense. Later we might see a broader purpose it served, but it’s in following these instincts that we break free from the limits of what we know, and open ourselves up to new possibilities.

I’ve come to see aesthetics as the value I’m honoring when there’s no good reason for doing what I do, but it just feels right. It’s the same force that guides a painter to choose how and where to stroke his brush, and what turns a life from a series of patterns and habits, into a work of art.

Parting Words

I sent all of the above to the friend who asked the initial question, “how do you hope your life to turn out?” And in a letter to him, I ended with this:

“I guess this isn’t quite the story of a life you’d want to read, with a climax and denouement. It’s not told from the end as we discussed. There aren’t a lot of specifics or characters. But even without any specifics in place, perhaps this all tells a story anyway.

“At the end, this life will have been a journey of perseverance; a century, I hope, of opening to truth and love. I will have cultivated a generous heart, I will have never lost the spirit of fun, I will have loved well, and set an example of love, truth, generosity, beauty, laughter and kindness. I will live and die at peace, confident that I did my very best.”

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About the Author

Leah Pearlman is the Co-Creator of The Happiness Institute (HI!) located in San Francisco. HI provides people the space, structure, and support to explore, experience, and expand personal and team happiness in a collaborative environment. She is also the author of Dharma Comics, a comic blog in which she draws on life to explore personal and universal truth. She has a background in technology, most recently having graduated from a 4-year gig at Facebook working both as product manager and in internal communications.

How to Set Goals – To Create the Best Year

Tina Su — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:57:52 +0000

Photo by Kevin Russ

By Tina Su

For New Year’s Eve 2011, Jeremy and I sat down and made our goals for the year. We made sure the goals were measurable, challenging, and lead us in the direction we wanted to go. After all, the experts say to set SMART goals. As diligent students, we complied.

Well, I accidentally opened up this document last week, for the first time since we created it (more than a year ago). I had completely forgotten about it. Reading through every line of the document, I felt a surge of guilt and disappointment.

You know that feeling in your stomach, almost ashamed that nothing on the list—of supposedly important items—were achieved. I didn’t end the year with 30K facebook fans, I didn’t do yoga everyday (In fact, not even once for the whole year), I didn’t become an early riser, and my living & working space is still messy.

In the same document, I looked up my husband’s list and email his weight training goals asking where he is compared to those targets. He replied with, “I was stronger when I set those goals than I am now.” I sensed disappointment in his words and instantly regretted sending him such a gloomy reminder.

And then I was thinking, isn’t this what we do to ourselves every year? We either set no goals or too many goals. If we fail to set goals, we’ll torture ourselves for feeling like a failure, because we have no goals. And if we do set goals, we’ll torture ourselves for feeling like a failure for not accomplishing the goals.

Year after year, we set long list of goals (if we actually set them) with arbitrary quantities to mark as targets. Then feeling disappointed when we review these goals some time down the road. We create the suffering. We bring it on to ourselves.

Let’s find a new way of setting goals and creating New Year resolutions that will actually make us feel good, and will actually help us.

Problem with Goals & Resolutions

Before diving into a better solution, let’s review some inherit problem with setting a bucket list of goals and why New Year resolutions doesn’t work.

1. Lack of Focus

Too many goals make it impossible to focus on any one.

The more diffused our awareness become the harder it is to focus. Without focus, we cannot achieve or produce or create anything.

Having too many things to focus on leaves us feeling overwhelmed and uncertain as to where we shall begin. Our brain, which naturally seeks the path of least resistance, will want to shut down, and will unconsciously start to avoid the goals all together.

For example, my goals for TSN last year (one of many categories) was the following list of random targets:

1,000,000 monthly pageviews
30,000 facebook fans
30,000 rss subscribers
Community features

I had completely forgotten about this list and thus failed to focus on any one item. My brain had gone into shutdown mode. There are simply too many things to focus on.

2. It’s Easy to Focus on Failure

We tend to focus on what we didn’t do than what we did do. When reviewing our goals, our eyes and hearts will gravitate towards all the things we didn’t do, and then we feel bad.

This is the problem with a list of any kind–even to-do lists. It’s far too easy to undervalue and thus fail to celebrate our achievements, because it’s just one item out of a long list of uncrossed, unachieved goals. When we review our goals and achievements in list form, it creates the illusion that we have failed, when in reality, we achieved all that we needed to do.

In my personal example, 2011 was one of the most transformative years of my life. I overcame my limited beliefs about money and had freed myself of the painful belief (from childhood) that “I didn’t deserve good things.” which significantly limited my ability to receive. My relationship with Jeremy became closer, as we had envisioned from our couple’s goal.

TSN‘s traffic have more than doubled compared to a year ago, and continues to grow. Additionally, we added more websites into our “Simple Life” network, and collectively exceeded over 6 million impressions each month. Almost overnight, our hobby sites became a business.

That’s a lot of blessing that deserves celebrating. But somehow, when reviewing my bucket list of goals from last New Year, I had forgotten about all the good that’s happened. Now I realized, I’m not such a failure. I’ve actually won. I’ve done all that I needed to do, and everything is as they should be. Everything is perfect just as it is.

3. We Experience Guilt

Since it’s so easy for us to notice and thus focus on what we’ve failed to achieve, we experience guilt, regret, and even shame. We forget that, after all, our list of goals is just an arbitrary list of “shoulds”.

No amount of guilt or disappointment will change the past. It becomes wasted energy that could be better spent elsewhere.

Big lists and many goals can make us feel bad, unnecessarily.

4. Failure to Review

Unless we review the goals regularly, we won’t make any progress. This is because our short term memory is limited to just a few bits of information.

We can keep track of one goal continuously. We cannot, however, keep track of 10 goals without reviewing it regularly. Our short term memory simply doesn’t have that kind of capacity.

I read somewhere that our short term memory can hold 5 (+/-) 2 pieces of information at a time. That means between 3 to 7 pieces of data (by the way, this is why phone numbers are 7 digits long broken up into 3 to 4 digit chunks).

5. Lack of Meaning

Sometimes, we set goals for the sake of setting goals. “It’s time to set goals!” we tell ourselves, and ends up doing a brain-dump of everything we’ve ever wanted. This usually includes an exhaustive list of things we think we should be doing, and things we think will make us happy.

And then we learn from productivity experts that we should set goals that are measurable (I know, I’ve been guilty of this), so we randomly invent a number and attach it as our target. As trivial as this may seem, this little number has the power to make us feel bad when we haven’t reached it at year’s end.

But the number is meaningless. It’s unimportant to us.

What we want is not the number, but rather to feel successful, attractive, happy, and fulfilled. And we think that if we reached this arbitrary target, then we will experience those positive emotions.

As time goes by, we start to forget why we set the goals to begin with. We forget why they were important. They become just another item written down on a list (that we don’t look at again).

When we forget why, it’s hard to feel motivated and inspired to take action on them. When we have many goals (ie. more than one goal), it’s easy to forget why.

A New Approach to Goals

Photo by Cari Wayman

Instead of setting a list of goals at the start of each year, I want to promote a new tradition: Setting a one-word theme for the year. I got this idea from Mari Smith. And it’s a powerful one.

You can remember one word throughout the year. It’s easy to think about and focus on just one theme. It’s also a lot easier to take action and make progress towards this one theme. Having one theme also makes it possible to set realistic follow up goals and milestones.

It’s like having a guiding light beaming in one direction (instead of several directions). All you have to do is to follow that light.

My one word theme for 2012 is Balance.

What this means to me is a general sense of personal wellness, fulfillment, and balance between work & life. It’s a feeling that cannot be objectively measured. I’ll know whether I feel balanced or not. Right now, I feel balanced (because I’ve been writing to you and all the while embodying and integrating the intention of “Balance” today).

Focusing on one word, which I have a positive association with, is so much easier and rewarding than focusing on something arbitrary like “Get 30,000 Facebook fans“. And because there is only one word, there is no struggle to recall what it is.

I think about it often, and carry the essence of it with me as I enter into each day. The result? No matter how rough or how ordinary the day is, I end the day (on most days) feeling good knowing that I had integrated the most important quality that I need into my day: Balance.

Whenever I feel like setting goals for the day, I just ask myself “What can I accomplish today that will help me feel balanced?” The answer may be tackling particular to-do items, or taking the afternoon off to play with my son, or de-cluttering the kitchen counter. I’ll do them, and will feel a great sense of inner fulfillment and wellness.

Having one theme allows me to laser focus on the one thing I need the most.

Last year, my theme was Abundance. And I entered each day with similar intentions. Suffice it to say, last year was complete magic filled with abundance in its various dances.

I also love the one word theme concept because a single word can be interpreted in several ways, thus I can always find a way to integrate the word into my day, without the heavy feeling of disappointment for not hitting a random goal.

For example, when I take care of my body–getting rest, drinking lots of water, eating well and exercising–I am living in accordance with my goal of “Balance”, because those acts promote personal wellness. As such, I feel happy from the act of taking care of my body.

On the other hand: If I had a traditional goal of say “losing 10 pounds in 30 days”, the experience will be different, because my happiness will be tied directly to the digits on a scale. Even though I exercised and ate well, I won’t feel satisfaction until a certain amount of weight loss is reflected from a scale. The former (one-word theme) approach is much more peaceful, gentle, encouraging and reinforcing.

How to Find Your Theme

Enough about me. Let’s work together to find a one-word theme for you. Okay?

When you ask yourself, “What do I want this year to be about?” you may instantly and intuitively feel an answer pop out. If not, try answer the following questions on a piece of paper (instead of just thinking about it) and see what words emerge for you:

What does your ideal life look like? What do you want? What do you want to be doing? How do you want to feel?
Complete the sentence: I want ____.
What one change can you make that will significantly improve the quality of your life experience?
If you had to pick just one thing? What do you want the most?
Does the word feel good? There are no wrong answers. What you pick is personal and meaningful to you. If it feels good, go with it.

Got it?

Don’t continue until you have your word. I’ll wait.

Using Your Theme

Once you have your one-word theme, here are some thoughts on integrating and using the word into your life.

1. Expand on the Word

One word can have many meaning. Clarify what your word means to you.

I mentioned earlier that the word Balance means (to me): a general sense of personal wellness, fulfillment and balance between work & place.

Ask yourself the following question:

What does this mean to me?

Additionally, you can dive deeper into what this picture looks like for you, by answering the following question:

What does “a life of [insert word]” look like?

When answering, write down each block of thought in bullet points, without editing. Keep writing until you have nothing else to say.

For example: for me, a life of “balance” looks like:

Consistent work schedule and productivity, from which I drawn in a sense of fulfillment.
Separation between work and home.
Being fully present with my family when I am home. Do not check work email.
Time for myself to reflect, read, write.
Taking care of my body and health.
Living and working in a clean, organized and uncluttered space.
Rising with the sun. Getting a beautiful early start to my day.
Feeling balanced and well on a daily basis.
Taking breaks. Allowing rest and play.

The more clear you can be in describing your picture, the easier it will be to further integrate the word into your experience (because you know what activities you can do to access this experience).

2. Symbolic Reminder

Photo by Karrah Kobus

One trick I started doing last year and found helpful was to get a piece of jewelry that I loved, and using it as a token—a physical representation—that served as a reminder for the word.

Energy Muse had sent me this beautiful necklace last year. When I received it, I named it “Abundance” and whispered a little prayer “You will remind me of possibilities and abunance in this Universe. I thank you in advanced.”

I wore it everyday, and when I touched it or saw it in the reflection of a mirror, it reminded me that I am an abundant person living in a incredible universe filled with goodness, good people, and of infinite possibilities. It made me happy.

Additionally, I found two other sources of “conscious jewelry ” which I also love: Zen by Karen Moore (Our soul sister Cat Li Stevenson swears by the hand made jewelry lovingly made by Karen Moore) and KA Gold Spirtual Jewlery (I loved this piece, and wore it until the chain broke from my son pulling on it).

Alternatively, if you have other jewelery or pieces of token that you already love, you can use them too. The point is to have some physical reminders of your “goal” that you can carry with you, and see regularly.

3. Create Goals From Your Theme

If you completed the above exercise on clarifying what the word means to you, you’ll notice that many of the items you wrote down can be converted into mini goals that contribute towards your one-word theme.

For my personality type, I still like to work with goals on a daily basis. But now I set short-term goals that will support my theme, instead of a list of random goals that I think I should be doing.

To find these mini goals, you can either expand on your word, like the exercise proposed from #1 above, or setting goals based on answering the following question:

“What can I do to integrate [insert your word] into my life?”

Allow whatever answers to show up, and write them down without judging or editing.

Please note that these are just ideas. Nothing is set in stone. You do not have to achieve every one of these ideas in order to feel satisfied. Anyone will do the trick. The point is to create a habit of goal setting based on your theme—what’s most important to you.

4. One Goal at a Time

If you did the above exercise or creating goals based on your theme, you will have a list of goals (once again). You will get overwhelmed if you try to work on all of these at once.

Pick just one sub goal, and focus on just that. Work on this goal everyday for at least 21 days, until it’s become a habit. Once the goal is reached or becomes a habit, you can move on to the next mini goal. You may dabble in other related goals if it feels good to you, but always have one as your highest priority.

For example, I’ve just completed the small goal of “separation between home and life” by moving my office completely outside of our home and not taking work home, and I’m currently working on “rising with the sun” by developing the habits of becoming an early riser. Once I develop the waking up early habit, I will focus on de-cluttering.

5. Be Gentle On Yourself

Through out the year, you will experience days where you feel like you are moving in the opposite direction of where you want to go.

Please remember, and commit to, be gentle on yourself.

Every one of us will encounter and experience such days. It’s completely normal and expected.

When these days occur, just give yourself the permission to have “off” days. It’s okay to feel depressed, sad, off-track and cranky. This, like all days shall pass. Everything will be okay. Tomorrow is a new day.

Before You Go …

I wish you a beautiful, productive and happy year from any starting point. Not just for this year, but for all years to come.

Now, before you go, spend a minute to share with me (in the comment below) what your one-word theme is for this year?

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7 Lessons from a Broken Heart

Kayla Albert — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:00:33 +0000

Photo by Rosie Hardy

Editor’s Note: Even though this story contains life lessons from a broken heart (a painful break up), its lessons are applicable to many other life situations. I highly recommend reading this, even if you are not going through a broken heart.

By guest contributor Kayla Albert

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities
brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

Nine months ago, as I carted my meager belongings into my parents house–a move that was supposed to be temporary–my world came crashing down. It was an apocalypse I was anything but prepared for.

After envisioning a walk down the aisle, my relationship of six years came to a screeching, and quite unexpected, halt. My heart was broken. I lost several freelance jobs I had come to count on, and my already shaky income became non-existent. Worst of all, I endured a blow to my self esteem that left me curled up on the couch unable to do anything more than sleep and sob.

I had known for a few months that things didn’t feel right, it was a quiet rumbling of unease that started off small and seemed to be buzzing in my ear up until the moment the Universe decided it was time for my wake up call. At the time, I would have been far more comfortable with just buckling down and holding on to what I already had.

Clearly, there was a plan I hadn’t yet been privy to.

The recovery process was long—and at times, so irritatingly slow. Friendships that I had fallen back on suddenly dissipated into nothingness, and I received job rejections that shook my fragile sense of self more and more each time. When I thought that I was slowly pulling myself out of the abyss, I fell a little deeper.

But right around the time I began to accept that there was perfection in the imperfection, that I was already surrounded by things I was deeply grateful for, and that all the things I lost weren’t “mine” to begin with, I sensed a lightening of my soul and the situations going on around me.

Now, months later, I embrace a strength in myself that I never had before. Hindsight may be 20/20, but since emerging from the muck, I am now able to see these “impossible situations” as great opportunities.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

1. The end of one relationship makes room for the start of another

While undergoing these drastic life changes, I learned the art of purging—letting go of the people and things that were no longer serving me in a positive way.

Being at my worst allowed me to see the people I had in my life that were only interested in me at my best. Releasing them from my experience allowed new friendships and relationships to emerge.

2. Starting from the bottom opens up a world of possibilities

In some strange way it was liberating to let go of so much at once and get down to the bare bones of who I was and who I wanted to be.

Starting from rock bottom opened up a world of possibilities that might not have been available to me had I kept some things and gotten rid of others. I was suddenly free to re-create myself and my life in a way that my mind had previously not been able to imagine.

3. Everyone is working through their junk

When I was smack dab in the middle of the roughest part of my breakup, I felt completely and utterly alone. I felt as if this experience had isolated me from the rest of the living, breathing world.

Yet, once I started talking about it—sharing my lowest point with people I was close and not so close to—I realized that everyone could relate on some level. People started sharing their own personal heartbreak with me and I began to understand the human condition on a deeper level.

We all have junk. It’s just far easier to air it out then try to hide it.

4. Life will always return to some sort of equilibrium

It was easy for me, in the midst of my crisis, to believe that I would never feel complete or whole again, that the wounds I now had would always be exposed. I know now that life has a way of healing us that we don’t always expect.

The healing process wasn’t linear—there were days when everything seemed ok, good even, then others when the pain made me want to check out for the day. But eventually, things evened out and there were far more hopeful days than disaster days.

I have since created a new normal, one that allows me to leave the past where it belongs—in the past.

5. Releasing expectation leaves less room for disappointment

Part of the reason why I was so shell shocked and devastated by the way things fell apart was because I was deeply entrenched in what I hoped and expected would happen. I had a picture of my future etched in my mind and I wasn’t open to any other outcome.

Along the way I realized that my inability to let go of this picture kept me closed off to other possibilities—even those that would have made me happier than the ones I was hoping for.

I’ve since learned how to let go and allow life to just happen, which has ushered in a deep sense of joy that I haven’t experienced before. And, of course, awe, surprise, and gratitude are far more fulfilling emotions than disappointment has ever been.

6. Having nothing to lose is liberating

While I was holding on tight-fisted to a relationship I didn’t know how to be without, I closed myself off to new experiences with different people. It wasn’t about dating, it was about being free to show up as just myself—without thinking about calling my significant other or leaving early to be with him.

Having nothing to lose made me fearless with the people I met—more open, more willing to connect in different ways. I could show up with an identity that revolved around me and only me. And that was fantastically liberating.

7. Listen lightly to the opinions of others

When I was in the middle of my darkest hour, I found dozens of people who wanted to offer an opinion or advice. And while I recognized this as an act of love and desire to help, taking everyone’s expert advice and boisterous opinions to heart muddled my own judgment.

Part of the reason why all of this happened in the first place was because I had stopped listening to my own intuition and following what my feelings were telling me. In order to reconnect, I had to learn to trust myself again—and listen only lightly to those around me.

Parting Words

Yet, the one piece of advice that will forever serve as my compass came from my mom: “Does that decision make you feel lighter or heavier? If it makes you feel lighter, you know you’ve chosen what’s best for you.”

A year ago I would have said that my deepest fears were exactly what has occurred in the past nine months: being broken up with, losing my work, and letting go of friendships I couldn’t imagine myself without. It has all happened—and I’m still here, living, breathing, and enjoying life in profound ways.

Oddly enough, having each of my fears realized was a relief—one I didn’t know I needed. It has allowed me to live in each moment exactly as it is, without the gnawing fear that some disaster is waiting for me around the corner. After all, I’ve already experienced it.

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About the Author

Kayla Albert is freelance writer intent on living life deliberately. You can follow her at Confessions of a Perfectionist. If there’s a writing project you’d like for her to tackle, visit her website at kaylaalbert.com

The Power of Rituals

Guest of TSN — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 01:21:50 +0000

Photo by Valerio Boncompagni

Editor’s Note: This is a story by guest contributor Jordan Alam

“The more I broaden my interpretation of what can be called a ritual, the more I find them, and find myself creating them in my life.” ~Lisa Weiner

I was sitting with my therapist in the midst of college finals. It was one of our last sessions together before I would return home for the long summer vacation. It stunned me that my sophomore year at college was coming to an end. Where had the time gone?

“I feel like it’s too soon,” I told her, “Like I’ve worked through all these changes, and now it has to come to an end. It’s strange, but I almost don’t want to leave anymore.”

She looked me in the eye. We both knew I had gone through a hard semester, both academically and socially. That year, I met my biological parents for the first time, reconnected with family in a country 14 hours away, and lost myself in working too much and sleeping too little. I had contemplated not returning to school or taking off time the next year. It was surprising to both of us that I might actually be enjoying my time there—right when it was about to end.

That morning, we talked about the accomplishments I had made over the semester: I had found friends to stave off loneliness and rigorous scheduling allowed me to carve out precious hours for myself. I had improved, even when I wasn’t paying attention.

My therapist left me with a great kernel of wisdom that day. She said, “We often need to mark transitions with rituals of closure in our lives. People often sense important moments unconsciously and perform ritualistic actions to close that part of their lives and celebrate the new.”

I still felt like the light was fading too fast for me. I began to count the number of concerts and gatherings I would be missing once I left. “I don’t feel like I’ve done anything much,” I told my therapist.

With a knowing smile, she replied, “You’ve done all you need to.”

How to Identify Rituals from Key Moments

Beginnings and endings are some of the most obvious times when one needs closure, but life does not often fall into easily divided intervals like my academic semester.

Without my therapist’s guiding words, I would not have recognized my energetic attendance of NYC events as a ritual. Rituals need not be grandiose or spectacular—what matter is that they are meaningful to you. A simple conversation can often be the most gratifying ritual.

Here are the six ways I identified and integrated meaningful rituals into my life:

1. Feel Mindfully

Staying connected to your emotional ebbs and flows is the only way to be in tune with your needs at the moment. While paying attention may seem simple, many people ignore even great emotional changes because of one big limitation: fear.

Our emotions are not always comfortable or pleasant. Fear is a very simple defense mechanism that allows us to skirt around them rather than sit with them. I encourage you to sit with your emotions in the way you find most appealing: talking with a close friend, keeping a diary, writing or meditation.

2. Cater to Emotions

Fear rationalizes itself. If you fear the feelings that you are having in the moment and stifle them, your thoughts will come right up to support that decision. I am not upset. I am not lonely. I am not overwhelmed. I have not changed. These are thoughts that deny the emotions lying just beneath.

Pay attention to your emotions as they are. Take a step away from fear and the denial that your mind uses to protect it. While it may be challenging at first, sitting with your emotions can begin the process of healing. And it can help you identify the transition you need to mark.

3. Plan your Ideal Life Ritual

Planning engages your creativity. It may even start before you’ve felt that you need a ritual – in the form of a bucket list or a worst case scenario plan. Regardless of whether the transition conjures up positive or negative emotions, it is helpful to have an idea of how you want it to progress.

Whether you are working on sitting with your emotions or have identified your needs, keep envisioning different experiences that have meaning to you. Rituals are meant to give closure, but they need not be reflective, so feel free to explore the possibilities.

4. Be Flexible

If you plan, know that your plans may change. If the situation is unexpected, focus on your emotions and let your thoughts quiet before you begin. There is value in starting small, such as having several tiny rituals that can help you through the moment.

Remember: you are not expected to control everything before you seek closure or mark a transition. You are changed by your emotions and situation as much as you can change them.

5. Experience Deeply

This is another exercise in bringing silence to your thoughts. A lesson from yogic meditation tells us that we may acknowledge our thoughts, but must always refocus ourselves on the body and its feelings. When you are performing your ritual, big or small, take this advice to heart and allow yourself to connect with the moment.

6. Willing to Let Go or Embrace Change

Rituals only mark the changes that you have encountered: they do not create them. Know that the transitions you experience throughout life have been a culmination of all that you have been in the past and lead into all that you will be in the future.

If you feel unsure or have anxiety about the change, sit with that emotion as you have done before. Take the discomfort and remember that all of your past experiences have prepared you in some way for this moment, and that you are capable of moving on into the future with these lessons.

Parting Words on Rituals

I don’t claim to be an expert on rituals, but when my therapist sat me down and talked me through all the changes that I was unknowingly celebrating this year, I started to feel that it was something I desperately needed.

Rituals facilitate our understanding of ourselves; we use them to create a sense of safety in our daily lives and to make peace with difficult emotions.

Yet the most important thing to remember about rituals is that they can be fun. They can bring in new experiences that we were frightened of before and allow us to connect deeply with them.

Make a ritual of the positive transitions just as much as you would the negative ones—public or private, they can help us move into a new form of ourselves.

Liked this article? If so, please share it on Facebook, RT on twitter. Follow us on facebook and twitter. Subscribe to receive email updates.

About the Author

Jordan is a South Asian writer and artist who blogs about her work and opinions at The Cowation. As a woman of color who is always busy with some project or another, she has a lot to share about identity, feminism, and life as a creative person. She attends Barnard College in New York City, and is currently a peer educator with Well Woman, the wellness group on campus, where she has taught others about everything from positive body image to seeking help for depression. She intends to pursue a career in psychology.

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Think Simple Now » clarity

Finding Myself: Why I’m Quitting My Job

Finding Courage to Leave My Job

Takeaway #1:

Economic Changes that Took Place

1. Simplify Living Conditions

2. Get the Finances in Check

Takeaway #2:

Be Who You Are (First)

Love What You Do (Secondly)

Parting Wish & Takeaway #3:

Articles Related to Finding Myself:

The Next Step to Freedom

The Next Step

1. Tell Yourself a Better Narrative

2. Consider a Different Future

3. Get to the Turning Points

The Next Step Is the Only Step

About the Author:

How to Find Fulfillment (with Sarah McLean)

1. How did meditation transform your life?

Question: Sarah, how long have you been a meditator? How did meditation transform your life?

2. Why Do We Struggle with Life Purpose?

Question: In your book, you outline an 8-week plan to a more meaningful life. What do you think is the main reason we struggle to live purposeful lives?

3. What Is Transformation?

Question: The word transformation seems big – grandiose – what do you mean by transformation?

4. Soul Centered?

Question: And what does it mean to be soul-centered?

5. Science & Meditation

Question: What has science taught us about meditation?

6. Transformation For Normal People

Question: You’ve had a pretty amazing spiritual journey – living in a Zen Buddhist monastery, meditating in ashrams, temples throughout India and the Far East – can we accomplish a similar transformational life in our ordinary routines?

7. Who Am I?

Question: I remember when my husband and I first met with you for our meditation session, you asked us to reflect on the question, “Who Am I?” Throughout your book, you ask your readers to reflect on many questions – ­How does inquiry and meditation, together, play a role in transformation?

8. Meditation For Busy People

Question: We’re all so busy. Now in addition to eating well and going to the gym, I need to fit in one more wellbeing tool—-meditation. And you suggest 30 minutes/twice a day? Is there a secret to how to fit it into your life?

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More About Sarah

How to Plan the Unexpected

1. Avoid the Uncomfortable

2. Illusion of Certainty

3. Plans Are Based on the Past

4. A Plan is an Excuse for Being Stuck

5. A Plan Creates the Illusion of Control

Related Articles on Life’s Plan and Planning:

The End to Worry

Insight into Your Inner Worry

1. Identify Your Hot-Button Issues

2. Identify Your Worry Triggers

How to Deal with Your Inner Worry-Wart

1. Be Kind and Encouraging

2. Ask Questions

3. Gratitude & Compliment

4. Be Vigilant But Be Patient

The End to Worry

About the Author

Related Stories on Overcoming Worry:

The Illusion of Time

Related Stories on Illusion of Time:

Discover Your Personal Values

Finding My Personal Values

Value #1: Truth

Value #2: Self-Love

Value #3: Set an Example

Value #4: Empowerment

Value #5: Creating What I Crave

Value #6: Humor

Value #7: Love Everyone

Value #8: Aesthetics

Parting Words

About the Author

Related Stories on Personal Values

How to Set Goals – To Create the Best Year

Problem with Goals & Resolutions

1. Lack of Focus

2. It’s Easy to Focus on Failure

3. We Experience Guilt

4. Failure to Review

5. Lack of Meaning

Question: I remember when my husband and I first met with you for our meditation session, you asked us to reflect on the question, “Who Am I?” Throughout your book, you ask your readers to reflect on many questions – How does inquiry and meditation, together, play a role in transformation?