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Effective Communication with Mindfulness

nadia — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 22:30:27 +0000

Photo by Lauren

Have you ever had the experience while talking to someone where the person is really not listening to you? They act like they are but it is obvious that they aren’t. The ironic part is that they probably think they are communicating with you but on some level you just feel that you weren’t heard at all.

Communication is something we all engage in on a daily basis but due to the pace of our lives, conversations become just formalities. It is like when you go to the store and the cashier asks you: “how are you?” It’s as if she was on cruise control as opposed to really being interested in how you are doing.

Living mindfully isn’t limited to meditation, but can also be applied to effective communication in our daily interactions with other people. This article takes a look at 10 effective communication tips using the principles of mindfulness.

In my work as an attorney, eighty percent of cases I have seen in my career are a result of some form of misunderstanding and lack of effective communication. People agree to do something. They sign papers and start working on a project. Eventually, it turns out that each party heard something completely different.

Communication Truth: We Hear What We Want to Hear

Let’s say someone tells you that they will talk to you later. Well, what does later mean? Does it mean five minutes from now? Does it mean five hours or five days from now? Or is that a polite way to convey that they have no desire to ever talk to you again? The possibilities are endless

I was recently talking to a friend about a problem that I had. I poured my heart out to her and when it was her turn to talk, she just gave me her thoughts which were mainly about herself and totally missed the point of what I was saying. I realize that my friend had good intentions but she was just not listening.

My initial reaction was sadness because I did not see how she could have misunderstood what I was saying. I started to wonder if maybe I did not express myself clearly. However, as I thought about what she had told me, I realized that she was listening to me from the perspective of her views of the world without placing herself in my shoes.

My friend was trying to find something in her life that made her feel the same way without truly understanding what I was feeling. It was like she heard only one word and was only focused on that one word but not the context.

The whole interaction fascinated me. Of course, that was not the first time I have had such an experience with someone. However, it was the first time where all the pieces fell into place and I realized the importance of applying mindfulness into my own communication.

Communication vs. Mindfulness Communication

Mindfulness communication is a term that originates in Buddhist philosophy and became popular in the West due to the work of Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn. He is the person who is credited for introducing to the medical profession the concept that meditation helps people reduce stress and other physical ailments.

Mindfulness communication means to listen and speak with compassion, kindness and awareness. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, regular communication is defined as “the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.”

As you notice in the above definition, there is no mention of compassion or kindness. If you watch any regular interaction between people, the form of communication will appear to fit the regular definition.

One person says one thing and the other person shares their thoughts. Most of the time, when someone is asked a question, they answer immediately. Not many seem to really think before speaking. In order to engage in effective communication using mindfulness, we have to listen mindfully and speak mindfully.

5 Tips to Listen with Mindfulness

1. Clear Your Head

When someone starts to talk to you, do your best to clear your head of any thoughts that are occupying your mind. Remove any sense of judgment about the person who is talking.

To listen to someone with a preconceived idea of who you think they are or what they are about to say, puts you at a disadvantage because you may miss what you could otherwise learn from the person who is talking.

2. Create a Safe Space

It is never easy for someone to open themselves up and tell you what is on their mind. If you really are attentive to what they are saying, it indirectly tells the other person that it is safe for them to be themselves with you.

3. Maintain Eye Contact

When someone is talking to you, do not look at your feet or the ceiling or whatever else is surrounding you. Just look into the eyes of the person who is talking. It shows that you care and wouldn’t you want someone to do the same for you?

4. Put Yourself In The Other Person’s Perspective

Experiences are relative; meaning people react and see things based on how they view the world. Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is talking and try to see the world from that angle.

Back in 2004, I was working in an office where everyone was a big supporter of a certain political view. I thought they were crazy but when I tried to understand why they all supported it, I saw that they really were good people who thought that the political idea in question would protect them. I disagreed but that was okay. I saw why they thought the way that they did. It made working with them so much easier.

5. Don’t Assume

If the person who is talking says something that you do not understand or is not very clear, don’t assume a thing but ask them to clarify their statement. Many times people assume that the other person means one thing when in reality they could be talking about something totally different. There is nothing wrong with asking questions as long as you ask them with compassion.

5 Tips to Speak with Mindfulness

Photo by Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Think Before Speaking

When someone asks you a question, don’t just immediately start talking. Take at least ten to twenty seconds (or more) to think about the question and how you want to answer.

When I first started dating my husband, I used to get impatient when it would take him a long time to answer my questions but then I realized he was thinking about what to say and I wasn’t used to someone actually taking the time to ponder the question.

It touched me so much, I started to do the same and it is amazing how much people really appreciate it when you take their questions seriously.

2. Choose Your Words Consciously

Just because something makes sense to you does not mean it will make sense to the other person.

I have a friend who has a very strange sense of humor. Most of the time, it sounds like he is insulting you but in reality he is not. I don’t think he is aware of what he does and he is always amazed that people get mad at him or feel hurt after speaking to him.

Painful words can cause more damage than physical pain, so choose your words consciously and carefully. Not everyone is willing to give another person a second chance. A sentence uttered without thinking can cause a person to lose their job or end a relationship.

3. Speak Your Truth

Many times when we talk to someone, we like to give off a certain image. We want to appear as perfect as possible. We want the other person to like us and to think highly of us. Therefore, many people try too hard to be something they are not and they end up acting that way through a conversation.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be yourself. That means speaking your truth. This does not mean you have to be rude or mean. You can speak your truth with compassion and kindness.

For example, I once met someone who was very critical of people who were vegans. The funny thing was that the person had no idea that I have been a vegan (vegetarian) for 21 years. I had two choices. I could either play along or tell the truth. I went ahead and told the guy the truth.

I was calm and told him that I understood his point of view. I went on and shared with him my thoughts on the issue. We ended up having a really great conversation and neither one of us ever had to raise our voice. No one likes to be lied to so don’t lie about who you are.

4. Mean What You Say

If when talking to someone, you tell them that you will send them a certain document by a certain date, do keep your word. You will earn a lot of respect when you follow through with your promises.

If you have no desire to talk to one person ever again, then do not say you will give them a call sometime. Whether it is in business or romance or with friends, keeping your word goes a long way. A Buddhist master once said to me, “word, thought and deed have to be one”. So don’t say you will do something when you really don’t intend to do it.

Parting Words: Effective Communication

As a former “Type A” personality, I was always on the go and never really had time to talk to people. I always needed to be somewhere else or to do something. I am very well aware that the above steps may seem too time consuming but if you want to be successful in whatever you do and if you want to have meaningful relationships, you need people. As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango”.

The only way to have people respect you is if you respect them and engaging in effective communication using mindfulness is one of the best methods to earn that respect.

We all want to be heard and understood. Sometimes in order to have someone hear and understand us, we have to hear and understand them first.

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About the Author:

Nadia is the VP of Spirituality on Think Simple Now. Nadia has worn many hats in her short life. She used to be an image consultant, political campaign writer and attorney. Writing and photography are her passions. Through her writing, she intents to help people see how Divine they truly are.

* Click here to read all articles written by Nadia.

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When Couples Fight

Tina Su — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:55:46 +0000

Editor’s Note: This article applies also to those not currently in a relationship.

By Tina Su

My husband and I had a fight over the weekend – on our date night, of all nights. We rarely fight, so when emotions escalated to shouting, I knew something had to change. I had to change. There was something to be learned here.

The thing about when couples bicker is that both people feel that they are right. Both people feel that their point of view is rightfully justified. So we try to make the other person understand. When we are arguing, what we are essentially trying to do is to show the other person our side – to show them that we are right (and they are wrong).

After all was said and done, underneath the problem on the surface, what we were really fighting for was to feel appreciated and validated. We, each in our own indirect way, were trying to let the other person acknowledge us, and to value what we contribute. But sometimes, we can be so stubborn.

If you dissect all the fights we’ve had in the past with our significant others, and through observing our friends, I think the desire to feel appreciated and recognized is a common theme.

What’s interesting is that in the heat of “battle”, when we are so consumed with wanting the other person to see our side, we become blind to recognizing the other person’s point of view – which is equally valid and understandable. It’s like trying to put out fire with more fire, you will just end up with a bigger fire.

In every argument, there are two sides to every story. It is highly likely that both parties are partially wrong, and both parties are partially right. And if both people continue to argue for their side, there will be no end to it. There will be no peace, no resolution.

But if one person, puts their own need to feel right on pause for just a few minutes, and sees how painful it must be for the other person, and genuinely apologizes for the hurt they may have unintentionally caused, then a miraculous shift takes place between them.

The other person will realize that they too were wrong, and likely apologize as well. When they do, the energy between them shifts from that of resentment and misunderstanding and hurt to that of love and forgiveness and generosity. When that happens, the love in our hearts expands to a realm beyond us, leaving us feeling a blissful sense of peace.

Admitting that we were wrong can feel as bad as pulling our own teeth. And when we do, it requires an internal fight with our ego to overcome our natural urge to retaliate and defend for our side. But it is possible to make a conscious decision of setting our egos aside – this may require biting our tongues, and nodding our heads in agreement though.

If we truly become the observer, we will see that, in a way, the other person is right – at least partially right. There is something we can learn here. And it really doesn’t matter if they see our side. Our job is to bring love in to situations and to empower ourselves, and those around us. To learn from life.

I came to the realization that “I don’t care to be right anymore. The argument is over something from the past. Why am I constantly trying to bring this unhappy state from the past into my present? And into my future? Why am I creating a future that causes myself suffering?“

Like a light bulb going off in my head, I began to soften up, and began to relax.

When I relaxed, I forgave, and released something from the past, which I’ve held on to so tightly over the past year. This belief -this story- that I’ve held on to, was the source of much pain, which I’ve created for myself. And now, I’ve set it free. I set myself free.

Here are some quotes from Dr. Wayne Dyer from his book Excuses Begone! that seem appropriate to this topic:

“You hear people say this all the time: “I have a right to be upset because of the way I’ve been treated. I have a right to be angry, hurt, depressed, sad, and resentful.” Learning to avoid this kind of thinking is one of my secrets for living a life of inner peace, success, and happiness.”

“At the root of virtually all spiritual practice is the notion of forgiveness. Think about every single person who has ever harmed you, cheated you, defrauded you, or said unkind things about you. Your experience of them is nothing more that a thought that you carry around with you. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you. If you could release them, you would know more peace.”

“A peaceful person attracts peaceful energy. You won’t know God unless you’re at peace, because God is peace. Your resentments literally send God out of your life while you’re busy being offended.”

“You practice forgiveness for two reasons: to let others know that you no longer wish to be in a state of hostility with them and to free yourself from the self-defeating energy of resentment. Send love in some form to those you feel have wronged you and notice how much better you feel.”

Parting Words

Sometimes, when we hit rock bottom, or fall into a dip in our journey through life’s turbulences, there isn’t anywhere else to go but up. Instead of treating these experiences as the enemy, as something that you “hate”, remember that these situations are there to help us wake up.

These experiences are there to teach us something we have yet to learn. These moments are blessings that we have yet to realize. These moments are the turning points of our life, towards something more profound, and valuable, and beautiful.

In summary, here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t care to be right anymore. I don’t care if another sees my side. It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past now. Let’s focus on the now and the future.
In all challenges, no matter how justified I feel, always come back to myself by asking, “What can I learn from this situation? What lessons am I supposed to learn that I have yet to recognize? What did I learn about myself?”
Writing my thoughts down when these challenges happen is a great way to not only get to know myself in more depth, but also help to relieve resentment and pain. Writing in my journal is my best medicine.
Talking about it to others from the point of complaining and victim identity only prolongs the story, and causes us to remain in the mode of helplessness. But never the less, talking about it to a neutral party helps to relieve some of the bundled-up energy, and may help us find clarity. I recommend finding a counselor who is trained to listen and direct you towards a mindful resolution.
Our opinion about someone (or some situation) colors our perception of them, and projects upon them a story, which makes the story become true for us. This projection changes our interaction with that person, making it appear more real to us. For example, if we believe that someone doesn’t like us, we will start to look for evidences of that person not liking us. As we know, what we seek, we shall find. We project upon this person that they dislike us, and we repeat that belief in our head, and it becomes true for us. In reality it’s only an idea in our own head, and not actually true.
Telling someone you’ve forgiven them, but still complaining for what they “did to you” is not true forgiveness. You’ve only done so superficially. This hard feeling will continue to linger until you can truly forgive them and stop talking about the story.
Forgiveness can be a multi-layered process. Don’t kick yourself if you can’t do it in one sitting. It can take time. Take as much time as you need. Follow the flow of life. Know that when you are suffering, there are more forgiving to be done.
Communication is vitally important in any relationship – not just in romantic ones. It’s important to setup time regularly to communicate, to share openly about your feelings, thoughts, unhappiness, worries, joys, dreams, hopes. For couples who live together, it’s important to do this instead of falling into the routine of crashing on the couch and watching TV all night. Even if sharing time means 10 minutes every day before bed. Make it a priority.
For couples with kids, it is important to commune as a couple and spend quality time together, focused on each other. Schedule date nights, even if it’ll cost money to find a sitter, or that you have to trade baby sitting with another couple. Your relationship is the nest in which your children lie in. Your relationship is the foundation to which your family is built upon. How much money is that worth? Priceless, right? Make it a priority.
Sometimes, we create busyness in our lives to avoid dealing with something that is causing us pain. We bury ourselves in our work, or direct our attention in the solving of someone else’s problems, in order to avoid dealing with a problem in our own life. No worries if you recognize this. We do this unconsciously, and it happens to all of us. Be brave. Make a conscious effort to address the root problem, this will make us feel so much lighter and free. We can actually end up happy (imagine that!).

I love you guys. Thank you for listening. And in case you’re curious, Jeremy and I are doing more than great now. We’re thankful for the learning and growing experience, and are closer than ever! :)

Please take a moment to let the meaning behind these words sink in. Apply what rings true to you to the best of your ability in your own lives. Learn from my mistakes and those around you. Spread joy. Life is so precious, and beautiful – and you deserve to see and experience its beauty in its full bloom.

Have a beautiful week, my friends.

Please help me spread word about this site. If this or any other articles have helped you in any way, please tell one (or many) people about us. Please share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, and email the link to friends. I really appreciate your help. You make this site possible.

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External Resources:

Book: Excuses Begone! Dr. Wayne Dyer (above quotes)
Article: Finding Peace in Forgiveness
Book: Loving What Is – Byron Katie
Book: The Power of Now – Ekhart Tolle
Book: I Need Your Love – Is that True? – Byron Katie

How to Take Criticism

Oleg Mokhov — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:12:19 +0000

Photo of Gala Darling by Chloe

By Oleg Mokhov

“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary.
It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body.
It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
~ Winston Churchill

Criticism is crucial for personal improvement. It’s the most direct way to find out what you should improve on. However, accepting criticism can be emotionally challenging. Afterall, we’re only human, who wants to hear bad stuff about ourselves?

It’s hard to not take it personally. Our instinctive reaction is to become defensive and we shut out potentially helpful and life-enhancing tips. By doing this, we miss out on what could supercharge our improvement.

So how can you take criticism without getting self-conscious and defensive?

Answer: An effective way to accept criticism is to externalize it.

When you externalize criticism, you escape the defensiveness trap. You stop being self-conscious and take criticism objectively, which lets you reap the benefits of the helpful tips that the criticism contains.

The criticism isn’t directed at you personally, but at a writer, artist, worker, developer (or whatever else you’re getting feedback for) that just happens to have the same name as you. When you take criticism objectively, your initial defensiveness fades away, simply because you’re not taking it personally anymore.

Externalizing criticism lets you extract helpful tips from even the most critical feedback. You take the bits that make sense to you and discard the rest. You don’t risk getting defensive or even feeling bad or self-conscious.

Externalizing criticism is also a shield from bad and unhelpful criticism. It doesn’t matter how much or what kind of comments and criticism you get: you look at it all objectively. You can take what makes sense to you and discard the rest.

When you externalize criticism, you can easily take and use it to supercharge your personal improvement.

5 Steps to Effectively Taking Criticism

Ready to improve your taking of criticism? Good.

Next time you ask for feedback, follow these 5 steps to externalize criticism:

Wait for your gut reaction to pass before doing anything – let your emotions disappear, so you don’t take the criticism personally and become defensive
Imagine the criticism is directed at someone else – some person who happens to have your name and does exactly what you do
Keep your mouth shut – listen, don’t defend
Discuss the person’s points – asking questions will a) help you to get even more useful tips from them, and b) externalize the criticism more (you’re seeing it even more objectively this way)

Rinse and repeat every time you get feedback until externalizing criticism becomes a habit.

(Bonus) How to even more effectively take criticism:

Be confident – believe in what you do, so that even the most critical comments don’t sway your direction
Have a clear goal in what you’re doing – so when you ask for feedback on it, you can take criticism to improve the key areas rather than let others dictate the direction and get lost

Why It’s So Hard to Take Criticism

The reason we get defensive when taking criticism is because we’re tied to our ego. So when someone is giving tips on how we can improve, that person is indirectly acknowledging that we’re not great at something. And our ego gets bruised.

As Dr. Leon F. Seltzer explains in his Psychology Today article on why criticism is so hard to take:

“Criticism, even well-intended criticism, can be understood as a direct assault on our ego. When (however unconsciously) we’ve come to associate our very selves with our ego or point of view, then whenever our perspective is questioned, disbelieved, or disputed, we cannot but experience ourselves in jeopardy – our mental and emotional poise at once thrown into disequilibrium.”

Even if it’s made clear that the criticism is not to criticize but instead show how you can improve, you naturally want to defend yourself. And when you go into defensive mode, you don’t get the tips from the criticism that could really supercharge your improvement.

So detach yourself from your ego – at least when you take criticism. Externalize the criticism so you look at it objectively, rather than as a critique of yourself (and thus your ego).

My Experience with Criticism

I used to be so defensive and self-conscious when I took criticism. But I was able to overcome those things – now I automatically externalize criticism almost as soon as it’s said.

In fact, I’ve had friends and acquaintances comment on how well I take their criticism. I’m not trying to brag but rather prove that someone who took criticism super-personally was able to escape the defensiveness trap and objectively take criticism. That helped me to gather helpful tips and supercharge my personal improvement.

Back when it was an insurmountable challenge for me to take criticism, I kept making the same mistake: I convinced myself that I could take it. I asked people to not hold back with their feedback. But as soon as the criticism started, I immediately got defensive.

My gut reaction was to take criticism personally. It’s a natural reaction for humans, after all.

However, I knew something needed to change. I was missing out on valuable tips for personal improvement. I saw how certain people took the criticism I gave them really well. How did they do it? I started paying attention.

The first thing I noticed is that almost right away they started discussing the criticism with me. They weren’t interested in convincing me why they did something – they didn’t try to defend anything. Instead, they were interested in what tips for improvement I had. They asked me questions to clarify or go further into detail on something I said.

It’s like we weren’t even talking about them but rather someone else.

And that’s when it hit me: they were externalizing the criticism.

They weren’t taking it personally. They externalized my criticism so that they could look at it objectively, taking what made sense from what I said.

So I started training myself to externalize criticism. No secret tricks here: just practicing each time I asked for criticism.

I asked for feedback and then forced myself to disconnect from the criticism. It was hard at first… okay, I failed miserably. But it got easier each time. Little by little, the defensiveness started disappearing earlier and earlier in the criticism process. I was taking it personally less and less.

After a few weeks, I learned to disconnect myself from the criticism almost immediately. The gut reaction of defensiveness passes as soon as it pops up. I don’t latch onto the criticism emotionally. It’s like getting startled: just a body reaction that passes as soon as it appears.

With the personal connection and emotion to the criticism gone, I’m able to look at the criticism and how to improve myself objectively. It’s as if I was looking at someone else who happens to have the same name as me.

Over the next few months, I kept doing the same thing to solidify the externalizing of criticism. During those few months, externalizing criticism became a habit.

Now, I don’t have to think about it anymore – externalizing criticism comes naturally.

I’ve trained myself to externalize criticism within the first few seconds. So that it’s not directed at me, but an artist that is named Oleg Mokhov. I can then look at the criticism objectively and not feel emotionally involved. I take the bits that make sense to me and easily ignore the rest.

In addition to externalizing criticism, I also trained myself to keep my mouth shut. Easier for myself and for the other person.

Unless I really need them to know something, it’s not worth the time and energy to try to defend or convince them of something. My resources are better spent creating something remarkable than defending the process. I’ll take the handful of helpful tips from that person’s criticism and focus on improving rather than defend what I’ve been doing.

How to Take Criticism

Having trouble taking criticism? Know that the useful tips can help, but you block yourself from them by taking criticism personally and getting defensive? Don’t worry – it’s a natural reaction, and there’s a solution: Effectively accept criticism by externalizing it.

You’ll supercharge your personal improvement by being able to easily get useful tips from people’s feedback. You’ll look at the criticism objectively and take away what makes sense to you, using it to improve what you’re doing. And by listening and discussing instead of defending, you’ll get even more use out of the criticism.

Now go out there and ask for some feedback. Take the criticism, externalize it, and supercharge your improvement.

* How has externalizing criticism worked for you? What other methods have helped you to take criticism? Other thoughts and ideas? Share your voice in the comments. See you there!

About the author: Oleg Mokhov is the world’s most
mobile electronic musician and co-founder of the premium royalty free music store Soundtrackster.

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How to Be Popular

Tina Su — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:05:28 +0000

Photo: Lucia Holm

By Tina Su

Over the past few days, I’ve attended a few social gatherings at which my interactions with other people provided me with a few new revelations. During these interactions I started to notice a peculiar social pattern; that a significant percentage of people are not that good at being social.

After one particular dinner engagement with my partner and another couple, I went home feeling completely uninspired and insignificant. Even after having spent 2 hours with this couple, I am fairly certain they still don’t know anything about me aside from the obvious surface details; my name is Tina, I am Asian and I live in Seattle. They have no idea what I do for a living, what my expertise is, how I spend my time, or where I am from. They were either completely uninterested in me, or they just have underdeveloped social skills.

Later, when I was analyzing the dinner engagement situation, I started to realize why I avoid spending time with certain people in my life, even some friends whom I like and respect. The answer is – they focus too much on themselves, and show a lack of interest in me.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If someone doesn’t show any interest in you, why would you want to spend any of your precious time with them? I’m sure there are countless other things you would rather be doing.

I have a friend whom, despite her many outstanding qualities, will derail a social gathering by talking about herself the entire night without directing a single question to anyone else around the table. She dominates the table’s conversation by constantly initiating topics that revolve back to the theme of how brilliant she is. It actually is true, she really is brilliant. However, this gets annoying really quickly and obviously makes the others around the table very uncomfortable. It also has the net result of her getting left off of future engagement invites.

The interesting lesson here is that by observing how the behavior of others make us feel, we can tweak and improve our own social skill set. In this way, we can ensure that people leave their interactions with us feeling great, and looking forward to the next time we connect. Just imagine if all meetings ended like this, wouldn’t they also be more enjoyable for us?

Why Should We Care About Being Liked?

Being likable isn’t just a quality that some of us are lucky enough to be born with, but a learnable skill that is necessary for survival. In cavemen days, if you didn’t get along with your peers, you would either become an outcast and risk being eaten by a tiger, or they might have simply just smashed your head against a rock.

In this day and age, being likeable has huge advantages: the joy of genuine friendship, help and support from other people, personal favors, professional perks, job advancements, and believe it or not – a statistically lowered chance of being sued.

Professionally, being a friendly and likable person is vital to your success. In the workplace, you can forget about equality, in the sense that, people are usually bias towards people they like, not necessarily towards people who are better at their jobs. If you have a corporate job, think of the last time you did your year-end peer reviews. Did you not consciously or unconsciously make a co-worker whom you liked sound particularly good or maybe even better than they actually are? And if there was a co-worker you didn’t like on a personal level, did you not find yourself being extra critical of them on their professional evaluation? I’ll be honest and say that I have been swayed in both of these directions.

The same is true with a manager’s view of his or her employees. Yeah, they speak of equality and fairness, but when it comes down to it, how much they like people on a personal level will tend to ‘color’ their perspective on a person’s professional capabilities and accomplishments.

Put yourself in the position of a hiring manager. Let’s say you’ve narrowed a pool of candidates down to two individuals who are identical in experience, skill, education, etc. and the only difference between the two is that you find one to be more likable than the other. Which one are you more likely to hire? Obviously, you hire the one that is a better “culture fit”, which is an HR term for “more likable”.

According to Malcolm Gladwell, in his book “Blink“, medical patients are a lot less likely to sue a doctor for a malpractice injury due to negligence if they like the doctor. Shocking, but it makes sense. Here’s a snippet from the book:

“Patients file lawsuits because they’ve been harmed by shoddy medical care and something else happened to them. What is that something else? It’s how they were treated, on a personal level, by their doctor. What comes up again and again in malpractice cases is that patients say they were rushed or ignored or treated poorly. ‘People just don’t sue doctors they like,’ is how Alice Burkin, a leading medical malpractice lawyer, puts it.”

It sounds backwards, I know, but in some professional situations, your social skills matter even more than your technical skills.

Tips for Being Popular

After carefully analyzing the social skills of individuals whose company I enjoy versus those I don’t enjoy as much, I came up with a few simple points that the first group was overwhelmingly better at compared to the second group.

Even though some people are natural born leaders and attract others to themselves through their undeniable charisma, it doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to be left in the dust. The following techniques are learnable, and as long as we are aware of them and are willing to improve, they can help us in becoming that person that people enjoy interacting with.

Ask Questions – People love talking about themselves (myself included). Have you noticed that some people are really great at listening and asking probing questions, and that an hour can pass before you notice that they’ve had you talking about yourself the entire time? Have you ever noticed how you start to feel an unexplainable fondness towards this kind of conversationalist? Use this technique yourself and ask questions to learn about the other person you are engaging with. If they are a new acquaintance, ask simple questions about their experiences and living arrangements. And if they are a close friend, ask for updates on things going on in their lives. Referring back to details from your previous conversations shows that you have been listening, and that you care enough about the person to remember them.
Be Interested – Look for things about the other person that you find interesting or different and ask them questions about these things. When we find qualities or experiences about other people that make us curious, we can’t help but to look interested. Direct the conversation towards topics you are interested in by asking open ended questions about that topic. This will draw the other person in without feeling like you’ve just hijacked the topic.
Authenticity – Be yourself, but not completely focused and absorbed with yourself. We are all incredibly sharp at picking up unauthentic remarks and gestures. Once we do, trust is damaged and we start to guard ourselves from the other person.
“The 10 Second Rule” – It can sometimes be painful to have to wait until someone finishes a sentence. I’m a natural interrupter, and it conflicts with my desire of becoming a better listener. So, to avoid interrupting, or even jumping in immediately after the person takes a quick breathe of air (when they actually have more to say), I use the 10 second rule. I will count to 10 slowly in my mind when the person takes a pause. You’d be surprised how much people open up when you give them enough space to speak. In reality, I actually use the 30 second rule, but started with 10 and moved to 30 with some practice.
Be Friendly – Happy, warm, and friendly people make us feel good. You can’t help but to like them. When the situation is appropriate, give people hugs, smile widely at them, and show that you are happy to see them.
Connect on Commonalities – We all like people who are like us, or people who possess qualities that we want. Every close friendship has some form of commonality that the individuals share and that bounds them together. When you’re interacting with people, look for commonalities you share, a hobby, an interest, a habit, professions, cities lived in, books read, etc. and then ask them questions about it.
Look at Them When Speaking – This may sound obvious to some, but you’d be surprised how many people do not look at the person they are talking with. The worst you can do is to look around the room when someone is talking to you – it’s disrespectful and very discouraging for the speaker. It says to the speaker, “I’m really not interested”.
Remembering Names – Remember people’s names and use their name when you speak to them, but don’t overuse it. Whenever meeting someone new, I will repeat their name in my head until I get a chance to store it in my phone when they are not looking. I keep a notepad file in the phone for this purpose. Interestingly, usually by the time the name is recorded in my phone, I’ve already remembered their names through the repetition prior to recording.
Be Helpful – Look for opportunities to help other people. If your friend is planning a wedding or moving to a new house, ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Offer your help and let them know that you are there to support them when they need it.
Be Open – True friendship and intimacy, in any relationship, is built upon mutual acceptance and understanding. But sometimes, due to differences in personal values (ie. religion), people close themselves off from trying to understand others who are different from themselves. This can cause a tremendous amount of conflict and pain, especially amongst family members. If you find yourself at a point at which you disagree with another person’s values, practice compassion and openness. Accept that person and support them regardless of your differences.

* Which qualities do you notice in the people you like? Got any tips for developing better people skills? Share your thoughts and other ideas with us in the comment section. See you there!

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Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Book: How to Win Friends and Influence People
Book: Listening: The Forgotten Skill: A Self-Teaching Guide
Steve Pavlina: Interpersonal Communication and the Awareness Gap

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8 Keys to Instant Charisma

Tina Su — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 02:13:22 +0000

Photo: Bertrand

There is a simple fact of human nature that states we all want to be liked. Don’t be afraid to admit it. If we think about it, underlying many of our actions, we are really seeking ways to validate ourselves and to fulfill this desire of being liked.

Have you ever met someone and instantly took a liking towards them? You can’t explain why, but you feel a fondness and you want to do things to help them. I’m not talking about sexual attraction, but a genuine and innocent feeling of fondness towards another person.

In a job interview, you are more likely to be hired if the interviewer likes you as a person. In a business situation, you are more likely to get deals done and gain favors. In a personal situation, you are likely to gain trust and loyal friendships.

When we decide that we like someone, it is a psychological process that we cannot quite articulate. It’s not a secret that we make decisions emotionally and justify them logically. So, does this mean that we can influence an emotional decision that happens subconsciously?

I believe that decisions can be influenced. I know that the qualities of a likeable person can be cultivated and proactively developed. Do you want to know how to develop the skills to be likable?

My Inspiration

I was helping my partner Adam prepare for an interview last night. At one point, I had explained to him the power of Mirroring and that it can make others feel more comfortable around you.

When I first heard about Mirroring, I was told that “If you’re afraid that the other person will get suspicious of you mimicking them, then you must be the type of person who thinks that people are actually listening when you’re talking.” I mentioned this and we laughed at it. I said, “Trust me, just try it out. It really works.”

We went off on another topic and he asked me a question about usability testing in software. I went on answering it, and 10 minutes went by and I was still talking. It felt as if I couldn’t stop talking.

When I finally finished covering all areas of software usability testing (including excruciating details that he would have little interest in), he burst out laughing.

So, apparently, he used mirroring on me. And it worked. What’s amazing is that it worked on me after having just told him about it. I didn’t even have a clue that he was mirroring me.

It occurred to me that like-ability can actually be cultivated, like many skills.

What are these skills?

Aside from being polite and respectful, there are several specific things we can pay particular attention to. I’m not asking you to pretend, but be aware of these things when engaged in a conversation. The little things make a big difference in how others perceive us.

1. Mirroring

This simple technique was the inspiration for this article. Mirroring is copying the other person’s physical mannerisms, movements and facial expressions when engaged in a conversation. You become a mirror image of the other person. (see Wikipedia)

Mirroring happens naturally in social interactions, but when you are conscious of it and are aware of its affects, it can be used as a tool in effective communication for generating rapport.

Mirroring someone closely will cause you to feel what they’re feeling (to some extent). I did an exercise once, in a group of three, during a workshop. One person starts by visualizing a scene; seeing, feeling and experiencing the scene. A second person imitates this person’s facial expressions and physical postures. A third person adjusts the second person’s facial expressions and physical postures until he thinks that they are identical. After several minutes, the second person explains what she was feeling. Not only does the second person feel the feelings of the first person, but will at times see what the first person is seeing in his imagination. I was blown away after trying this out, myself.

Next time you’re engaged in a conversation with someone, try mirroring body language, posture, and facial expressions. You will find that the conversation suddenly feels very friendly and open.

For example, you are sitting across the table from someone. You watch them pick up a glass of water with their left hand and gently lean forward, then to the right. You mirror them by holding your glass of water with your right hand, leaning forward and towards the left.

Try it next time … just for fun. :)

2. Remembering Names

Personally, I’m always impressed when others I’ve just met remember my name and use it in a sentence. Since birth, our parents, teachers, friends, and family, have hard wired the sound of our name in our brain. It is certain to get your attention, instantly. It makes you feel important and respected, filling our desire for attention and love.

Recall the last time someone who you just met parted by declaring “Nice to meet you, [insert your name]!” Weren’t you impressed? They are clearly interested in you enough to remember your name, and you want to show them the same respect.

Always make an effort to remember people’s names. Here are some techniques to help you.

3. Be Interested

People love talking about themselves, seriously.

Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. If it’s a complete stranger, start with the basics and dig deeper. Rephrase their words to make sure you really understand what they’re saying. You can think of this technique as verbal mirroring. By asking questions about their interests or feelings, you are mirroring their interest in themselves.

Really listen when the person is answering. Only when you are listening will you actually absorb what was said and will actually feel interested. If you run into a boring conversation, find ideas that do interest you and re-focus the conversation. Ask questions. Make it a game.

4. Allowing Others to Talk

In addition to asking questions, it’s important to allow the other person to talk. This means, stop talking. Stop talking about yourself, stop inserting your opinions, refrain from interrupting.

Next time you’re engaged in a conversation, practice not saying anything after asking a question. This might mean not speaking for several minutes *gasp*. Even when the other person appears to be finished, practice not speaking for 30 seconds. Often times, the person is still thinking, is actually pausing, and will start speaking again. By doing so, you will get a lot more depth from that person.

Many girlfriends I know have the interruption problem, myself included. Pay particular attention to this skill, you’ll be amazed at the wealth of thoughtful goodness coming from your partner. Being a patient listener is a great way to connect with and get to know people.

Try it: ask a question and then zip up. Listen and learn.

5. Intention

Send out the intention that you would like to get to know this person better, to really listen to them and to be there for them. I’m always amazed at the power of intention, which I believe is the seed for starting anything, whether it is a goal or a friendship.

Make a wish for the other person. Send out a positive intention for your interaction.

6. Offer Help

We are mostly self seeking and are driven by motivations that benefit us, with the exception of some extreme cases and parent-child relationships. But let’s face-it, we are self-seeking most of the time because it is a natural part of our survival instincts. Even if we are working on a good cause, we almost always have a reason for helping that is personally beneficial.

When others genuinely offer their help, we feel particularly fond of them. Why? Offering help is a kind gesture that implies a respect and admiration for you. And when we put ourselves in their shoes, wouldn’t it be advantageous to offer help to others?

I’m a big believer in giving more than I take in return. And my personal motto: “To get what you want, help others get what they want, first.”

Find a need that others have that you can provide. Offer help. Even just a casual email offering help will make the world of difference towards how this person feels about you.

7. Smile

“Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love,
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
~ Mother Teresa

Do you remember how you felt when you saw a genuine smile? Or awkwardly standing in an elevator full of strangers and suddenly someone smiles at you? It really is contagious and shifts your state to a positive one.

Smile genuinely. Start by smiling at friends. Try lifting the spirits of passing strangers.

8. Authenticity

Any of the above techniques will work by themselves, but become highly effective only when combined with authenticity.

Always be genuine and be your complete self, no more and no less. When you are completely honest and speaking from your heart, you will exuberate a kind of energy that people cannot help but to connect with. In that moment, you are pure, expressive, and radiating your true self. When others see and recognize that side of you, they are really seeing a reflection of that part of themselves.

Just be yourself.

Summary:

1. Mirroring
2. Remember Names
3. Be Interested
4. Allow Others to Talk
5. Intention
6. Offer Help
7. Smile
8. Authenticity

Which technique do you think is the most effective for being liked? Share your tips and insights in the comments.

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Like:

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Your Guide to Conquer Fear of Public Speaking

Tina Su — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 13:02:00 +0000

I’ve heard of all the standard public speaking tips, like making eye contacts with your audience, plan your speech, practice, speak with volume, and standing up straight. Although, they are valuable tips, none of these tips address the real problem underlying my speech delivery. Namely, my fear of failure, and the crippling nervousness I experience when standing in front of a crowd of people.

I’m sure you can relate to the nervousness I’m referring to. Even if you are Tony Robbins or an expert in speech delivery, at some point in your life, you’ve felt nervous when giving a presentation. I used to hate public-speaking, I would get so nervous that the only thing I heard was the sound of my heart bouncing out of my chest, the only thing I felt was my stomach tightening up as I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. In the past, I’ve dealt with this fear by avoiding presenting in front of people, whenever possible. But I’ve since learned that the best way to deal with any fear is facing it. I started looking outside of myself, then learning and testing out various techniques for dealing with fear. I began practicing advice on giving outstanding presentations. In my experimentation, I have found that several techniques have worked miracles in helping me give effective and fearless presentations.

I am not an expert on public speaking, but I am an avid student on the subject. I’ve spoken at Universities on recruiting trips for amazon.com and on various topics within the company. This is my testing ground for the techniques explained below. I am still learning, just as you are. I hope you find these tips useful in preparing and delivering your next presentation.

1. Focus on Creating Value Rather Than Your Self

I believe that the number one reason why we get nervous while delivering a speech is because we focus too much on ourselves. We become worried of how we’ll look in front of people, and concerned with what others will think of us. We try our best not to look stupid, while in the process this thought is making us more nervous, thus making us look ‘stupid’. While we think about appearing incompetent, we fear it more, until all our thoughts are connected to the fear. This forms a downward spiral, and a self-fulfilling prophecy as we experience the failure we feared.

While preparing for your speech, focus on the goal; the reason that your presentation will be useful to the listeners. Change your focus by asking yourself the following questions:

What value am I providing for my audience?
What is the most important thing for them to take away from my talk?
How will this talk/topic benefit them?

I believe that these are the most important questions to ask, for several reasons:

If we are not providing value, then we are just wasting time. Both our own and our audience’s time.
You will have a clear goal for the presentation. With a single goal in mind, it will be clear what words should be used and which pictures need to be painted. The result will be a simple, cohesive and comprehensive speech design and delivery.
You will see your presentation from the eyes of the person sitting in the chair listening, instead of the person talking. Many presentations are centered around the presenter, as this is very easy to do when designing presentations without thinking about the end user/audience.

While giving your presentation, put all of your focus on conveying this value to your audience. Since we can really only focus on one thing at a time, we cannot focus on both on giving the most outstanding presentation and the worry of what others think of us at the same instant. Focus entirely on giving your audience value, and do this with your whole being. This will shift your point of focus from yourself, and into giving something of value to your listeners. In doing so, you will witness your worries decrease.

2. Visualization & Affirmations

We feel nervous when we imagine ourselves as a public failure. Our minds become full with this unpleasant, mind-created, fearful image of ourselves. Instead, fill your mind with visions of success, confidence and joy.

Visualization:

On the morning of your presentation day, spend 5-15 minutes calming your mind and centering yourself. During this time, you can try the following visualization exercise.
Be at a comfortable place without interruptions. Turn off the phone.
Close your eyes, focus on your breath for about a minute. Breathe deeply and slowly.
See yourself as a third person in your imagination. (I suggest viewing yourself as if the camera is on the ground and looking up at you. This creates an image of power and strength.)
In this image, see yourself with complete confidence, strength, charisma and personal power. See yourself standing tall and strong.
Visualize yourself giving the presentation. See yourself walking in, see yourself smiling at the people in the room. Feel the energy of confidence radiating from your smile, from your voice. See yourself at the front of the room, with an audience of people smiling back at you. Feel the energy throbbing within you, ready to deliver an outstanding talk to these eager listeners.
See yourself giving an outstanding presentation in the most ideal scenario. See the confidence already within yourself, expressing your ideas to the audience.
See yourself after delivering the talk. “It was easier than I thought!” you say to yourself. See the positive impact you’ve made after the presentation.

Positive affirmations about yourself are a powerful tool to boost confidence. When creating an affirmation, you are giving positive suggestions to your subconscious, so that your mind will be filled with positive images of yourself. I practice writing self affirmations during especially nerve racking situations. If you have yet to try creating positive images of yourself, you’re going to think it sounds ridiculous. Essentially, you are tricking your subconscious mind into believing you feeling differently than you do right now. What you need to understand is that you are who you believe you are. Once you release the possibility that visualizing self affirmations will not work , and you believe you are the person that you want to be, then you will understand. Until you believe the affirmations, keep repeating them, and your mind will start to believe it. This belief in yourself will help you in situations requiring self-confidence.

Affirmations:

Write down a series of positive statements applicable for speaking, and for building self-image and confidence. The following are some examples to help you get started:
- I am a fantastic speaker and I deliver engaging presentations.
- I am confident and powerful.
- I create tremendous value for other people.
- I am an outstanding person.
- My work is important. People rely on my excellence.
- I kick ass. :)
Repeat these statements out aloud as much as possible. It is important to stay them out aloud, but if you really can’t, verbalize them in your mind. Before a sales meeting once, I was repeating similar affirmations to myself as I got ready in the morning, and in the car as I drove to the meeting. I sold with flying colors. That’s when I really learned the power of affirmation.
Write and print them on paper, or tape them on walls. I’ve seen some people taping these on bathroom mirrors, so that it’s the first thing they see in the morning. I have some of my most influential personal affirmations taped to the wall across from my bed, so that I see them and are reminded every day.

3. Acknowledging Your Fear

As with overcoming any negative emotion, one of the most effective techniques I’ve found is fully facing your emotions. Acknowledge your fear by fully feeling the feelings of that fear. Become the observer of that emotion, allowing it to flow and see the source of that emotion. As you observe it and allow it to happen, you will feel less and less of the fear.

Please see following articles on the subject:

See the first point under 9 Ways to Overcome Jealousy
How to Fight Your Fears

4. ‘Fake It Till You Make It’

Choose a mentor, someone who inspires you and excels at giving speeches. You don’t have to know or have a personal relationship with this person. Anyone who you admire, whom exemplifies the skills you desire. I like to use Tony Robbins or my friend Richard Greene for this purpose.

Once you have a mentor in mind, put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. Imagine you are this person.

Ask yourself:

What would [mentor] do in this situation?
How would [mentor] present this point?
How would [mentor] engage the audience for this point?

Carrying their energy, how will they present in this situation? Whenever I tried this technique, I’ve always felt as if a gust of energy had hit me, and I noticed that I could then articulate points very quickly and clearly.

5. Authenticity

Be yourself. Be honest, be pure, be open, show your vulnerabilities. Share your thoughts with the audience even if it sounds awkward. This will have an endearing quality to touch your audience’s hearts, and this will help your audience to understand you. I once saw a girl speak at a timed speech, she screwed up the timing for the auto-slides, and was completely embarrassed. She talked about how embarrassed she was and tried very hard to keep going. The entire audience was sympathizing with her and was rooting for her to succeed. When we see authentic qualities in a person, we can’t help but to relate with that person on a human emotional level. You become a friend without having been formally introduced.

Be present in the moment and allow your self-expression to flow freely in that moment. Express yourself beautifully, fully and naturally. Without having to focus deeply on being yourself, you will naturally express yourself in your own unique way.

Does being authentic seem contradictory to imagining you are your mentor (#4 – Fake it till you make it) ? Understand that you can feel the same confidence and energy as your mentor, but express the words as your true self. Even if you are picturing yourself as a mentor, you will naturally convey your own ideas, in your own style and with your own words.

6. Engage the Audience at the Beginning

I’ve found myself to be most nervous right before giving a presentation and at the very start of a presentation. I can think of few moments more nerve racking than walking in front of a silent audience all staring at you blankly. Once I realize that I’m not going to die from delivering a speech, I am able to relax. I like to start every talk with ice-breakers to crack the silence and make the audience aware that they are encouraged to participate. I also like to make them laugh to gain their full attention.

Here are some ideas of ice-breakers and audience engaging techniques:

Ask the audience a question. Simple question that anyone can answer. Encourage shouting of answers. Gently make fun of the audience if no one answers. When people answer your question or throw out guesses, the attention is placed on them rather than yourself.
Interact with your audience: Get the audience to make a physical movement, such as raising their hand, giving their neighbor a high-five, pointing at some body, or patting themselves in the back. This unexpected movement from the audience will help the audience be more engaged in the rest of your speech, since they’ve already psychologically invested in you by taking a participating in your request. If people have been sitting for a long time, their movement also helps to get their blood flowing and keep them awake. *smiles*
Tell a joke.
Show a funny picture or video that’s somewhat related the topic at hand.
Get the audience to repeat what you said. Same reasoning as physical movement.
Get the audience to repeat your main points, which you’ve reiterated over and over throughout your presentation. Make sure you have no more than 3 main points, and make them easy to remember and repeat. Remind the audience of your main points throughout the talk, so that your audience is familiar with what these points are.

How do you feel about public speaking? Do you have any tips to share with us? We’d love to hear them in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon, vote for it on Digg or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

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How to Really Listen to Someone

Tina Su — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 14:04:09 +0000

Photo by Thomas Hawk

“To be interesting, be interested.
Ask questions that other person will enjoy answering.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
-Dale Carnegie

Everyone desires to be heard. When we listen to others, we validate their need to be acknowledged and understood. Deep down inside, we all want to know that we matter, that we are important. Don’t you find that meeting someone who shows interest in what we have to say, we tend to take a liking to them instantly?

I’m not asking you to pretend to be interested in hopes of being liked, but rather to pay attention to this often overlooked and forgotten skill. In addition to improving your personal and professional relationships, listening also helps to prevent misunderstandings and facilitates cooperation.

The following are techniques to being an effective listener. I have learned these from communication courses, seminars and books on personal relationships. These are ones I’ve personally found to be useful when engaged in a conversation with other people:

Mirroring – mimic the other personal facial expressions and body positions. React as if you have become their mirror. Mirroring will allow you to feel what they are feeling, and have a deeper understanding of feelings carried with the words. People will begin to feel very comfortable being around you without consciously understanding why.Did you know that a baby will mimic the expressions of adults? Try it next time you’re playing with a baby in a crib. Make a distinct face, and watch the baby’s reaction.I learned this technique first from a psychology textbook, and later from Tony Robbins. After trying it myself, I learned that you can experience what others are feeling, but might find yourself on the same wavelength with similar thoughts and visions. Our physiology (facial expression, gesture and posture) can affect our internal state. Mirroring is just a technique to put yourself in a position (literally) to accept and internalize the meaning behind the words.
- For example, you are sitting across the table from someone, the other person is holding a glass of water with his left hand, leaning forward and towards the right side. You mirror them by holding a glass of water or cup with your right hand, leaning forward and towards the left side.

Focus On Them, Not Yourself – In conversations, I often lose my mind in my own thoughts. I get hung on what I’m going to say next or random thoughts like, ‘How do I look?’, ‘I’m hungry’, ‘What should I do tonight?’ The trick is to shift that attention and focus on the speaker. Give them your full attention. Be genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. Here’s a quote from Dale Carnegie extracted from principle 4 of “How to Win Friends and Influence People“

“Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.”

Active Listening - It’s easy to let your mind wander while someone is talking. It’s also natural to focus on how you plan to respond to the speaker rather than giving your full attention. Try active listening to shift focus on listening:
- Repeat – Repeat what they are saying in your head, in your own words. Internalize the meaning of the words.
- Summarize what you heard. A great listening technique involves rephrasing the speaker’s words and repeating them back to them. This verifies that you understood what the speaker said, and also gives the speaker a chance to clarify their thoughts. You can start the sentence with “So what I’m hearing you say is” or “Are you saying that“
- Look for the message – Look for keywords. Don’t just listen with your ears, but also with your heart and soul. Connect with them. There are so much more said than just words alone. Try to ask yourself, What is their point? Where are they coming from? What do they need? What they are saying in words is just an expression, but there’s always an underlying message. Look for that core message.

Body Language – lets the speaker know you are paying attention and care about what they are saying.
- Make Eye Content - show you are paying attention. Make sure your eyes are not wander around the environment, looking behind the person. One technique is to focus on just one eye, this shows concentration and will help you focus.
- Smile - When we are focused, we tend to have no expressions on our face and this can be interpreted as unwelcoming or uninterested. Remember to wear a smile, even a slight one.
- Node & ‘Un-huh’ - Add “un-huh”, “hmmm”, “I see” in between sentences. This is direct feedback to the speaker, it acknowledges to the other person that their words are heard and understood.
- Lean Forward – lean slightly towards the person, show that you are interested in what they have to say and are giving them your full attention.
Questions & Probing – Ask questions to clarify your understanding. People like questions, provided you are conscious of when not to ask questions (for example, you don’t want to interrupt their train of thought by jumping in with questions as they speak). This shows that you are listening and are following them. Probe for additional and related information. Some good probing sentence starters are How? Why? For example, “How did it happen?” “And what was your reaction?” “Why did you choose to leave?”
Non-Judgmental – Listen with compassion, openness and acceptance. In conversations, we often think about refutes and counter-arguments as the other person speaks. Listen with openness by recognizing that they are expressing themselves, and allow them the freedom to do that. Besides, we don’t want to be judged when we are speaking, so why should we judge others?
Don’t interrupt – Let the speaker finish their thoughts. Don’t move on to what you’d like to say until the speaker has finished talking. If you have something to say, bite your tongue and nod. Be patient, wait for your turn. Remember how annoying it was when someone interrupted you? And you lost your train of thought? Give others respect and allow them to finish.

If you lose focus, change your body position. If you find your mind wandering, move to a different position and try using one of the techniques above to refocus on the speaker.

Do you have any listening tips or thoughts you’d like to share? We’d love to hear ‘em in the comments. See you there!

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon, vote for it on Digg or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

External resources on listening skills:

Book: Listening: The Forgotten Skill: A Self-Teaching Guide
Slow Leadership: Taking Time Out to Listen
Life Hack: The Forgotten Power of Conversation
Steve Pavlina: Interpersonal Communication and the Awareness Gap
Book: How to Win Friends and Influence People

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7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

Tina Su — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:07:55 +0000

Photo by Hamed Saber

Our name is one of those hard wired words in our subconscious (like “Free” and “Sex”), which has the intrinsic trigger to get our attention. You are more likely to react and respond to the sound of your name than say the word “apple”.

The ability to remember people’s names is an incredibly useful skill, in business and social interactions. Do you remember how impressed or surprised you were the last time someone remembered your name? I still get impressed, and I tend to remember these people in an especially warm and friendly light.

I have a distinct, short and easy to remember name (“Tina Su”). I often fall victim to the embarrassment of not remembering names of people who approach me with “Hi Tina, how are you?” My mind would go into panic, thinking “Oh crap! What’s her name again?”

I have developed the following techniques to help myself remember names. I’ve used each one extensively and they have proven to be effective in my experience. I want to share these with you, and hope that you will find them as valuable as I have.

Similar to keeping your inbox uncluttered, the trick is to take immediate (mental) action upon a new introduction.

1. Trust Yourself

Many of us ‘believe’ that we are “horrible at names” and we are very ‘proud’ of this fact by telling other people about it. By relying on this story we’ve created, we instantly forget people’s names the moment we hear it, without even trying, because we are “horrible at names”. I have been guilty of this. So, STOP telling people that you are “Bad at names”. You are not bad at names, you just have not implemented a system that worked for you yet. Tell yourself, “I am fantastic at remembering names! And I’m gonna practicing start now.”

2. Seeing Faces

If you know another person with the same name, try the following:

See that person’s face in your imagination.
Now, see the person’s face bounce up-and-down (perhaps smiling at you).
Now, see the new person’s face, bouncing up-and-down beside the first face.
Repeat steps A to C several times

3. Using Sound Tricks

If you do not know another person with this same, try the following mnemonics using sound:

Repeat their names several times in your head, while noting the following:
1. Exaggerate the sounds. Prolong the syllables. Ie. “Teeeeeeeee-Naaaaa!” The funnier, the funkier and disturbing, the better for remembering.
2. ‘Chunking‘ – Break the name into several distinguishable parts/words.
Associate parts of name with words you’re already familiar with and can easily pronounce. Ie. “Ramesh” = Mesh, Mash
Create a story – Especially great for foreign, long or unusual names. I sometimes find it helpful to create a little story containing familiar words from step b to serve as memorable cues. Make the story highly visual, especially great if the story sounds silly and makes you laugh.
Example, “Bengodi” -> “Ben Afflect is going to become a deejay.”

4. Hear the Sounds Repeated

Look into their eyes while being introduced and repeat their name several times out aloud.
I like asking the following questions after being introduced. The reason I ask is to give me additional time and opportunity to practice their names on the spot:

“Did I pronounce it correctly?”
“How do you pronounce that?”
“Could you repeat it?”

I would repeat it several times after they answer the question, and check with them that I’ve got the correct pronunciation. Again, this technique gives me an excuse to practice their names, also ensures that I’m pronouncing it right. People typically do not mind to help you learn their names.

5. See the Spelling Visually

Practice seeing each letter clearly in your mind. Sound out each letter as you see them. Repeat the process of seeing and hearing each letter in sequence.
Example. “Tyler” – “Tee, Y, L, E, R, Tyler!”

Two tips for this technique:

Clarify Spelling – Ask “How do you spell that?” This gives extra time and chance to practice the technique. Make sure to repeat the letters back to the person (and see the letters as you say it). Don’t worry about sounding or looking silly. If you are genuine about learning someone’s name, they will actually appreciate it.
“Dancing Letters” – As you pass through each letter, see it move a little. It could be shaking, bouncing, wobbling in its place. This will help your mind to remain the memory.

6. Writing it Down

Always useful to have some scrap paper and pen with you. Better yet, use your notebook if you carry one. When the person is not looking or when you are in the bathroom, quickly jot down the names or sounds of names.

(Optionally) write a one-liner description beside the name
At conferences, I will have a page in my notebook dedicated to names. After meeting someone new, I would write it down in this page along with a quick distinct reminder about that person.

Examples:

i. “John, the real estate guy from Portland.”
ii. “Zoe, the myspace programmer.”

I like dumping names on paper or in a record (Item 6 below). Using this technique, I don’t need to carry it around in my mind and be constantly reminding myself of it.

7. Keeping Records

Keep a file on your computer, or even better yet, use google docs (virtual WORD documents). Call it “The Name Record” or TNR.

I use this to record names of people who I may come in contact with again. I use this to record names of people from my building (as I meet them), and for anyone I meet at any gathering I attend. When writing down a name, it is important to associate the name with a memorable fact or story.

Example entries:

“Unit 406 – Manik, Indian guy, very nice, 30 years old, works at Boeing.”
“Derek – friend of Josh. music director, they went to same college, big eyes, sarcastic.”

Try using these techniques one at a time. Practice, and when you feel comfortable, try another. Believe in yourself; the more you want to remember a name, the easier it will come.

Do you have any techniques that you use to remember names? What has worked for you in the past? Please share in the comments!

If you enjoyed this article, please share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

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Tips for Public Speaking from Top Speakers

Tina Su — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:37:52 +0000

My latest obsession is public speaking. I don’t know what hit me, but I’m finding myself making excuses to speak in front of people. As with photographing people, I started, because I was afraid of it, and I had over come that fear by just doing it (repeatedly), until I fell in love with the act and couldn’t stop. Public speaking is similar. I’ve extracted out some useful tips from “Podium Tactics From 28 Public-Speaking Pros“. These are general tips from the speakers. I will cover specific techniques in a later blog post.

“..putting aside a lack of confidence and delivering a message more important than your feelings and sensitivity. It’s about recognizing that your presentation is meant to help someone.”, George Foreman
“The single most important thing you can do is put yourself in other people’s heads and hearts. I think about what they truly need, not what I want to talk about. Whatever size the group, whether five or 5,000 people, you have to at least try to imagine what each of those individuals are there for.”, Tony Robbins, motivational speaker and life coach
“If you believe in something, you can talk about it. … When I talk to people, I have one thing on my mind: How can I help that person?…”, Jack LaLanne, 92-year-old fitness guru
“John F. Kennedy said ‘You should not open your mouth unless you hope to change the world.’ While that’s a bit grandiose for me, you shouldn’t give a public speech unless you want to make something happen.”, Tom Peters, communications consultant
“minimize data. We have a ‘three’ rule: Don’t tell them more than three things. I speak at nursery schools; … I force myself to do that because it really forces me to get down and think [about] the basic message and how can I communicate it as simply as possible.”, Allen Hershkowitz, Ph.D
“Slow down, especially at the beginning of a speech.You’ll get the audience’s attention by pausing.”, Bob Kerrey
“Don’t be afraid to work ‘off book’ (without a written speech). …On a little scrap of paper, I wrote down key words that I knew would spark stories or themes that could get the ball rolling. … If you have enthusiasm and excitement, if you show your humanity up there, that’s when the audience starts to warm up.”, Richard LaGravenese
“Engage the lowest common denominator, someone with a negative attitude or who can’t concentrate. If I can engage that person, everyone else with fall like a domino.”, Erin Gruwell
“I’m trying to speak to each person individually. Eye contact is critical. I move from west to east, making contact with people for a second or two. If there’s someone who seems disengaged, I’ll keep coming back in hopes of reaching them.”, Rev. Kieran Harrington
“The night before a speech, I go over my notes right before I go to sleep. …elps your brain absorb the material.”, Sally Koslow
“For years, I presented like other people presented, and it was like wearing clothes that didn’t fit. It was much more helpful to do things my own way.”, Tom Yorton, president of The Second City.
“If you are the type that gets frightened or intimidated by speaking to large groups, it doesn’t hurt to speak to a couple people in the audience before you start your speech.”, Kate White, editor in chief of Cosmopolitan
“Use a [Microsoft] PowerPoint presentation as a support rather than as a document. All too often, the presenter tries to cram the whole story into the slides, and winds up with just a massive data-dump of graphics that neither tell nor assist the story…. one, two or three words with an image. It captures the essence of the story while the newsreader gives the details.”, Jerry Weissman, founder of Power Presentations
“Have a unifying theme tethered to a powerful, inspirational story that will be sufficiently moving to be remembered long after the lights are dimmed and the microphone turned off.”, Ken Starr, former White House independent counsel
“Compliment the audience. Every invitation to speak is a compliment and an honor to you”, Dr. Robert H. Schuller
“Make a point using a funny and familiar everyday observation. …At this point, I’ve got the audience nodding and laughing–and the pressure is off. Now I can begin to teach them all the clever, low-key approaches they can take to establish that initial credibility with consumers.”, John Palumbo
“No matter how serious the presentation is, you can’t take yourself too seriously. Self-deprecation is always part of my speech. It helps the audience know we’re all in the same boat”, Marty Markowitz
“Say the same things over in different ways, especially when you are trying to sell something. …It will make an imprint that people will remember.”, Judge Maria Lopez
“I just try to get people to relax right off the top. You want your audience to settle in, …It doesn’t have to be funny necessarily, but something to snap people out of whatever doldrums they might be into.”, Steve Levy

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Think Simple Now » communication

Effective Communication with Mindfulness

Communication Truth: We Hear What We Want to Hear

Communication vs. Mindfulness Communication

5 Tips to Listen with Mindfulness

1. Clear Your Head

2. Create a Safe Space

3. Maintain Eye Contact

4. Put Yourself In The Other Person’s Perspective

5. Don’t Assume

5 Tips to Speak with Mindfulness

1. Think Before Speaking

2. Choose Your Words Consciously

3. Speak Your Truth

4. Mean What You Say

Parting Words: Effective Communication

About the Author:

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How to Take Criticism

How to Be Popular

Why Should We Care About Being Liked?

Tips for Being Popular

8 Keys to Instant Charisma

My Inspiration

What are these skills?

1. Mirroring

2. Remembering Names

3. Be Interested

4. Allowing Others to Talk

5. Intention

6. Offer Help

7. Smile

8. Authenticity

Your Guide to Conquer Fear of Public Speaking

1. Focus on Creating Value Rather Than Your Self

2. Visualization & Affirmations

3. Acknowledging Your Fear

4. ‘Fake It Till You Make It’

5. Authenticity

6. Engage the Audience at the Beginning

How to Really Listen to Someone

7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

1. Trust Yourself

2. Seeing Faces

3. Using Sound Tricks

4. Hear the Sounds Repeated

5. See the Spelling Visually

6. Writing it Down

7. Keeping Records

Tips for Public Speaking from Top Speakers