Think Simple Now » relationships

7 Lessons from a Broken Heart

Kayla Albert — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:00:33 +0000

Editor’s Note: Even though this story contains life lessons from a broken heart (a painful break up), its lessons are applicable to many other life situations. I highly recommend reading this, even if you are not going through a broken heart.

By guest contributor Kayla Albert

“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities
brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

Nine months ago, as I carted my meager belongings into my parents house–a move that was supposed to be temporary–my world came crashing down. It was an apocalypse I was anything but prepared for.

After envisioning a walk down the aisle, my relationship of six years came to a screeching, and quite unexpected, halt. My heart was broken. I lost several freelance jobs I had come to count on, and my already shaky income became non-existent. Worst of all, I endured a blow to my self esteem that left me curled up on the couch unable to do anything more than sleep and sob.

I had known for a few months that things didn’t feel right, it was a quiet rumbling of unease that started off small and seemed to be buzzing in my ear up until the moment the Universe decided it was time for my wake up call. At the time, I would have been far more comfortable with just buckling down and holding on to what I already had.

Clearly, there was a plan I hadn’t yet been privy to.

The recovery process was long—and at times, so irritatingly slow. Friendships that I had fallen back on suddenly dissipated into nothingness, and I received job rejections that shook my fragile sense of self more and more each time. When I thought that I was slowly pulling myself out of the abyss, I fell a little deeper.

But right around the time I began to accept that there was perfection in the imperfection, that I was already surrounded by things I was deeply grateful for, and that all the things I lost weren’t “mine” to begin with, I sensed a lightening of my soul and the situations going on around me.

Now, months later, I embrace a strength in myself that I never had before. Hindsight may be 20/20, but since emerging from the muck, I am now able to see these “impossible situations” as great opportunities.

Here are some things I’ve learned along the way:

1. The end of one relationship makes room for the start of another

While undergoing these drastic life changes, I learned the art of purging—letting go of the people and things that were no longer serving me in a positive way.

Being at my worst allowed me to see the people I had in my life that were only interested in me at my best. Releasing them from my experience allowed new friendships and relationships to emerge.

2. Starting from the bottom opens up a world of possibilities

In some strange way it was liberating to let go of so much at once and get down to the bare bones of who I was and who I wanted to be.

Starting from rock bottom opened up a world of possibilities that might not have been available to me had I kept some things and gotten rid of others. I was suddenly free to re-create myself and my life in a way that my mind had previously not been able to imagine.

3. Everyone is working through their junk

When I was smack dab in the middle of the roughest part of my breakup, I felt completely and utterly alone. I felt as if this experience had isolated me from the rest of the living, breathing world.

Yet, once I started talking about it—sharing my lowest point with people I was close and not so close to—I realized that everyone could relate on some level. People started sharing their own personal heartbreak with me and I began to understand the human condition on a deeper level.

We all have junk. It’s just far easier to air it out then try to hide it.

4. Life will always return to some sort of equilibrium

It was easy for me, in the midst of my crisis, to believe that I would never feel complete or whole again, that the wounds I now had would always be exposed. I know now that life has a way of healing us that we don’t always expect.

The healing process wasn’t linear—there were days when everything seemed ok, good even, then others when the pain made me want to check out for the day. But eventually, things evened out and there were far more hopeful days than disaster days.

I have since created a new normal, one that allows me to leave the past where it belongs—in the past.

5. Releasing expectation leaves less room for disappointment

Part of the reason why I was so shell shocked and devastated by the way things fell apart was because I was deeply entrenched in what I hoped and expected would happen. I had a picture of my future etched in my mind and I wasn’t open to any other outcome.

Along the way I realized that my inability to let go of this picture kept me closed off to other possibilities—even those that would have made me happier than the ones I was hoping for.

I’ve since learned how to let go and allow life to just happen, which has ushered in a deep sense of joy that I haven’t experienced before. And, of course, awe, surprise, and gratitude are far more fulfilling emotions than disappointment has ever been.

6. Having nothing to lose is liberating

While I was holding on tight-fisted to a relationship I didn’t know how to be without, I closed myself off to new experiences with different people. It wasn’t about dating, it was about being free to show up as just myself—without thinking about calling my significant other or leaving early to be with him.

Having nothing to lose made me fearless with the people I met—more open, more willing to connect in different ways. I could show up with an identity that revolved around me and only me. And that was fantastically liberating.

7. Listen lightly to the opinions of others

When I was in the middle of my darkest hour, I found dozens of people who wanted to offer an opinion or advice. And while I recognized this as an act of love and desire to help, taking everyone’s expert advice and boisterous opinions to heart muddled my own judgment.

Part of the reason why all of this happened in the first place was because I had stopped listening to my own intuition and following what my feelings were telling me. In order to reconnect, I had to learn to trust myself again—and listen only lightly to those around me.

Parting Words

Yet, the one piece of advice that will forever serve as my compass came from my mom: “Does that decision make you feel lighter or heavier? If it makes you feel lighter, you know you’ve chosen what’s best for you.”

A year ago I would have said that my deepest fears were exactly what has occurred in the past nine months: being broken up with, losing my work, and letting go of friendships I couldn’t imagine myself without. It has all happened—and I’m still here, living, breathing, and enjoying life in profound ways.

Oddly enough, having each of my fears realized was a relief—one I didn’t know I needed. It has allowed me to live in each moment exactly as it is, without the gnawing fear that some disaster is waiting for me around the corner. After all, I’ve already experienced it.

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About the Author

Kayla Albert is freelance writer intent on living life deliberately. You can follow her at Confessions of a Perfectionist. If there’s a writing project you’d like for her to tackle, visit her website at kaylaalbert.com

How to Save a Marriage: 5 Steps

Leigh Harris — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 01:20:26 +0000

Photo by Shannon

By Leigh Harris

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
~ Theodore Hesburgh

In the past month I found out that three marriages of close friends are in trouble.

When I heard about the first one, a husband who recently left his marriage, I cried. It seemed worse than death. With death there is love. With separation or divorce, there is often anger, despair and fear.

I found out about the next one, a marriage in trouble for the second time (that I know of), and I felt sad. They had tried to improve a trouble spot, but it seems they fell backwards again. Why aren’t they holding on for dear life? I asked myself.

By the time I heard about the third one, however, I felt resignation. Or at least I didn’t feel as shocked. I suppose when you hear about something repeatedly, it no longer surprises you.

But these are all close friends. Until then, I took for granted that their marriages were working just fine. Of all my close friends and family, I know of only three divorces. I thought we all knew what it took to make our relationships work.

One of my friends felt frustrated by the lack of sex in his marriage. When it became serious enough, something was said (he couldn’t ignore it forever) and his wife responded, but eventually they settled back into coexistence.

Another friend didn’t like her husband’s grumpiness. He would snap at his wife or kids when he had a bad day. She would check in with her husband at the end of the work day. If he was grumpy, she would get the kids busy when he came home, make sure dinner was ready, or suggest exercise for him after work. She learned what it took to coexist with this moodiness. But I can’t imagine it did any good for their sex life.

In each case, it seems they tried. But they seemed to also try to make things work by ignoring what was wrong. Perhaps they each tried to open that door of conflict, and the results didn’t work for them. Maybe the pattern they’d fallen into was just too easy to return to.

This time, these crises seemed to travel so quickly. I started to wonder, are we all going through some sort of midlife crisis? No. I think it is more basic than that. I believe we sometimes take our relationships for granted until it is too late. Then, when we sense trouble, we give up rather than try to deal with the conflict.

I think we all fear the unknown. Once the door is opened to conflict or dissatisfaction, there is no telling if the space on the other side of that door is full of sunshine and roses, or if it is a cavern of unhappiness, impossible to climb out of.

I know I don’t want my own relationship to fail. If I think about it, I realize I might be afraid of the failure and the potential of never ending sadness, and I don’t want to go there. In my experience, I haven’t seen happiness come out of a failed marriage.

Marriage & Relationship Takes Work

All relationships take work if they are to survive the trials of life. And even good marriages have two personalities. Sometimes they clash, and it is up to both partners to figure out what makes them happy and what they can live with.

After I heard about our friends’ crises, I talked to my husband about things I wanted to change in our relationship. Perhaps the news triggered my own “midlife crisis,” but I think the real reason I wanted to talk was because I realized that seeing my friends’ relationships begin to crumble caused me to examine what was happening for me.

We’ve had ups and downs before. For example, after a few years raising two children, it was tough to remember the easy-going joy of our relationship pre-kids. We decided to make time for dating and discover each other again.

This time our day-to-day communication needed a facelift. While asking for change is never easy, hopefully it improves the outcome. The effort to make a change always seems to smooth a rough spot.

Whether it is a marriage or a serious relationship, it is a commitment, and like any commitment, it takes work.

I know I’ve taken parts of my own relationship for granted. It is easy to assume someone will always be there for you, but when you stop trying to thrive within a relationship, it suffers.

Relationships are complicated. Marriages are long term. They take work and commitment, like we promise in our marriage vows or understand in any long-term partnership.

Relationships are similar to careers or marathons, you can’t begin a job or take your first step at the starting line and expect to be successful to the end if you don’t give it some focus and hard work.

Why should a relationship be any different?

How to Save a Marriage in 5 Steps

Long-term relationships take work, like any other aspect of life. The work can be fun (like teasing to lighten a mood, or date-nights to reconnect), and it can be risky (like facing a fear or confronting a problem). But like career or health efforts, relationship efforts are immensely rewarding.

Just what does it take to thrive? Based on my own relationship and those around me, I have some ideas. This list isn’t inclusive. You may have other ideas that the rest of us can learn from, but here is a start.

1. Talk

Don’t keep it to yourself or assume your partner knows what’s troubling you. If you are bothered about something IN the relationship, focus on your feelings and what you want to see happen, not on what they are doing wrong. If the problem is outside the relationship, trust your partner to help you through your distress.

2. Create Loving Rituals

Kiss hello and goodbye each morning and evening. Make your spouse your priority for 30 seconds when you get home from work. Do you have children begging for your attention? If they are older than two they will absorb and learn from the love passing between their parents for that half-minute before they get your exclusive attention.

3. See a Counselor

Are there bigger issues in the relationship or do you have some unresolved issues from the past that affects your current relationships? See someone who can help you objectively sort through them all. If you feel yourself hesitating, remember that there is a big section in each bookstore devoted to “self-help.” You are not alone in looking for solutions to your issues.

4. Date Nights

Make a date with your partner. You may see them every day, but if “seeing them” counts as chatting while opening mail, cleaning the dishes or putting kids to bed, you need to find time to talk without distraction. Go out regularly. Make a weekly or monthly commitment and add it to your calendar.

You don’t get in shape by reading about it. Making a commitment to exercise is what keeps your body healthy. Likewise, your relationships are healthier when you devote time to them.

5. Visible Reminders

Married? Hang your framed wedding photo. Do you remember your vows? Frame them too. Not married? Find wall art that resonates with you. I recently found one that says, “’I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am with you.’ Elizabeth Barrett Browning.” Or find one that simply says, “love.” Like a sticky note, these help to remind you of your priorities in your relationship.

–

I feel very fortunate most of the time. Though both my husband and I can get caught up in career, raising our children or even in our own life frustrations, we are both committed to each other, and to making our marriage work and thrive. When it comes to the big picture of our life, we both want the same things.

Little frustrations can always be worked out if they are brought into the open. Sometimes it makes sense to ignore the minor things, like socks on the floor or toothpaste in the sink, but the health of a relationship is not minor. It needs as much focus as your physical health.

What excited you about your partner when you first met them? Do you still celebrate or acknowledge that part of them?

** Do you have ideas on how to make relationships thrive? What do you do to keep it healthy? Share your thoughts, stories and wisdom with us in the comment section.

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About the Author

Leigh Harris is a happily married mother of two, currently writing a book about metaphysical parenting, and always learning. More of her thoughts and insights are on her blog, Metaphysical Mom, and she can be reached at her website, http://www.leigh-harris.com.

* Click here to read all articles written by Leigh.

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Secret to a Healthy Relationship

Tina Su — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 20:00:46 +0000

Jeremy & Tina. Feb 12, 2009. Wedding day. Kauai, Hawaii.

By Tina Su

When it comes to relationships, we all want love, security and support—all can be fulfilled by a healthy relationship. Aside from wanting the security that comes with a healthy relationship, we also want to appear to the world that our relationship is in fact a healthy one.

It’s funny that to the outside world, we try to display an image of perfection… with roses, smiles and rainbows.

But in reality, no matter how hard we try to appear perfect and got-our-stuff-together, on some level, we are also flawed humans trying to cover up that we’re not perfect.

I am one of these flawed humans. I think part of the reality of being human is that we make mistakes, we lose our patience, and that we aren’t perfect. This is the basis for all relationships— healthy or otherwise.

And we humans have a magical “gift” in creating conflicts with one another. The following is one such story from my life, which not only exposes our flaws but also shows us the secret to building a healthy relationship.

Personal Story: Seed to a Healthy Relationship

A few weeks ago, my husband Jeremy needed a web solution for something for work. Eager to contribute, I suggested WordPress—the blogging platform I use for TSN. I ended up spending the next few days helping him setup WordPress and web server on his laptop.

One day, he came home from work looking completely frustrated. Apparently, he ran into some technical roadblocks that caused a lot of confusion and questions.

I tried to explain the solution to him and it didn’t sink it. I must have done a poor job explaining, or maybe he wasn’t listening. I don’t know. I just remember that from my interpretation of the situation, he seemed really impatient and was not letting me complete my sentences.

We went back and forth a few times. I got frustrated and started to get impatient with him.

Regardless of what actually happened, the point is, we both lost patience with each other. The fueled temper and bad feelings escalated into name calling, being disrespectful and being unkind. We were like two children in grade 6, being totally mean to each other, just because “he started it first.”

I remember at one point, he called me a horrible teacher and that I always lose my patience when teaching things to people. Part of me wanted to drop kick him, and part of me knew that he was right.

But because he was telling me in such a mean tone, all I wanted to do was to say something hurtful back to him, and to make him take partial responsibility for provoking me in the first place.

My pride was hurt. My ego was bruised.

After a few minutes of trying to convince the other person that we are each right, it was clear that we weren’t going anywhere with this. The only thing we were succeeding in accomplishing was to sap each other’s energy, leaving us both feeling bad.

At one point, I vividly recalled thinking to myself, “didn’t I just write an article about when couples fight a few weeks ago? It’s pointless to try to convince him that I am right. Let’s be conscious about this, drop wanting to be right, and just apologize.”, and then I felt my mind quickly reply with, “No! He’s wrong! I’m right! How can he be so mean to me?”

True story. :)

And then it happened: I tucked my tail between my legs, sucked up my pride, and apologized.

Those first few words of “I……aaaaam…. Soooooo-rrie” was SO HARD to say. I could literally feel the tension in my egoic mind, resisting to apologize, to admit wrong-doing. But once those first few words were out, the rest became easier and easier.

“I’m sorry for losing my patience babes. I was trying to help, and I felt that you weren’t listening to me.” I finally said.

I looked up at Jeremy, and saw large watery blue eyes staring back at me. His glance softened from a few minutes ago. He reached over and gave me a sort of “mechanical” hug—still a little bit mad at me.

I held on to his large body, and said, “I’m sorry babies. I didn’t mean to. You were right. It’s just that my ego is hurt, and it’s trying to defend myself by making you wrong.”

Just as I said that, I felt his arms move from dangling from the side of his body (because he’s mad) to being wrapped around my back—okay good, it means he’s not mad anymore.

“I’m sorry too.” He said.

“For what?” I replied with a smirk on my face, tilting my head to look up at him, still in an embrace.

“For not throwing you out the window.” He said with an equally playful smirk on his face.

I squeezed him and said, “No, seriously. For what?”

Then he proceeded to say, one by one, what he felt bad for. And when he got to three things after probes of “what else?” from me, he smiled back at me and said, “You only get three today.” I smiled. We continued hugging, and then went downstairs for dinner.

That was the end of it.

No hard feelings. No emotions lingering. We were happy and peaceful again.

Creating a Healthy Relationship

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship off the bat. There are couples who seem very compatible, but every relationship (even non-romantic ones) requires a conscious effort of kindness, forgiveness and mutual support.

Every relationship requires some maintenance work—and conflicts do happen, it’s okay.

No matter who you spent time with—even best-friends and co-workers— there will come a time when a small disagreement will spark. It’s inevitable when humans are added to the equation.

Most fights and conflicts between people seem to start off small, usually over something stupid, and often over misunderstandings.

But in trying to justify that we are right, we hurt each other’s egos, and then the small seed of conflict snowballs into something bigger, resulting in resentment and separation.

It happens to us all. I am no different. You are no different.

The only real solution to resolving these conflicts and in creating a healthy relationship is to recognize your own mistakes and apologize, despite it being a really hard thing to do when your ego is hurt.

It makes sense, right? You can fight until you are both blue in the face, and nothing will get resolved except more hurt feelings.

It’s only when one person stops wanting to fight and starts admitting their own mistakes, will the situation starts to take a turn in the opposite direction.

The words “I’m sorry” or “You are right” plus a physical hug will perform miracles in clearing the clouds of anger between two people. But it is an important step in clearing out the resentment energy and to start building peace. You do want peace, right?

A word about saying “I’m sorry”: you have to first dig within, recognize what you are sorry for, and then saying it genuinely. If you don’t mean it, you might as well not say it.

The earlier you can confront the problem, apologize, and openly talk it over, the better. If you want a peaceful, healthy and lasting relationship, this is what you must do.

Holding on to grudges and spending all your energy looking for faults in the other person will lead to devastating breakups, not healthy relationships. The choice is up to you. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?

Catch the egos in action. Nip the misunderstanding while it’s early. Don’t wait for the resentment to turn into grievances.

So next time you’re faced with a conflict, a disagreement, a fight, or an uncomfortable silent treatment with a significant other or a friend, remember what I shared here––see what you did wrong and say sorry — no matter how justified you feel or how hurt you are from the other person’s self-defensive verbal attacks.

Parting Words: The Secret to a Healthy Relationship

In case you were still looking for the secret in building a healthy relationship, let me summarize it here:

Say you’re sorry and mean it
Hugs are magical when couples are fighting
Deal with issues as early as possible
Open communication – without trying to be right
Stop wanting to be right
Listen more, argue less
Breath – helps you to think more clearly
Seek to understand instead of listening for points to argue on
Don’t go to bed angry
Sense of humor makes uncomfortable moments more comfortable
Look for things that make you happy instead of things that don’t
It doesn’t matter if they can’t see your point of view. Do you rather be right or do you rather be happy? Focus your energy accordingly.
Say you’re sorry and why, and mean what you say (second time listing this) – It’s important.

I wish you success in the creation of your own healthy relationship! Let us know how it goes in the comment section below. Or anything else you want to share.

Have a conscious day!

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About the Author:

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives.

She hopes that you can see through these writing that she loves you, even though you’ve never met. She believes that we are all connected at the heart. She wants you to know that, regardless of what you are going through, “you are not alone.”

Besides speaking about herself in the 3^rd person she also likes: reading, photography, eating salads, drooling over the iPhone and thinking outside of conventional conformity.

* Click here to read all articles written by Tina.

How I Found Love (Again)

Cat Li Stevenson — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 20:00:28 +0000

Photo by aeschleah

By Cat Li Stevenson

“It took me a long time not to
judge myself through someone else’s eyes.”
~ Sally Field

Recently, my husband and I had several arguments—one after another, each fueled by the prior. This series of bickering pushed me to examine marriage: both the societal conditioning of how relationships should be and a reflection on my own journey in the love department.

I have been married for five years; but up until this past year, I often hesitated sharing my relationship in much depth, beyond the fact that we had celebrated two proms together in high school and experienced a unique journey thus far. Although I knew my husband was my life partner, lover, mentor, confidant—my one and only now and into old age—I was self-conscious about the layers beneath our outer shell.

We were amazing. Then we weren’t. We would be so connected. Then we’d become thrown off. We would be inspiring. And then we would deeply discourage ourselves. There were times during my husband’s layoff, family hardships, and a period where I felt a lack of purpose that caused us to behave severely flawed.

Coupled together we were dynamic, magnetic and resilient. Both of us had lost a parent to the same illness at a young age, and because of this, we had a deep connection and understanding. We were passionate about well-being, a balanced lifestyle and the legacy we would leave for our future family. Our visions and values aligned, yet our behavior would prove otherwise. Our marriage was very colorful; in that, we would radiate both light and shadows on either side of the spectrum.

I could not fathom how such two uncommon beings—with the depth that we shared—had the ability to create frequent sparks of distress. Recently, after an honest observation of our truth, the uncertainty I carried with me was fully explainable:

Living in a country where I was more knowledgeable about how marriages were dysfunctional than they were wonderful, I had allowed myself to become consumed by the confusion. And to dissolve this confusion, I would simply tell myself to be grateful for what we had: I closed my eyes and went along for the ride, wherever that would lead me.

The stats I knew about poor marriages were astonishingly clear: 50% of marriages do not make it. Finances were the number one reason for divorce. Marriage was becoming an overrated entity. Hollywood couldn’t make the institution of marriage work.

Since a young age, I always fought conformity. I rebelled. I experimented. I moved out in high school. I happily embraced individuality and stood proud as a non-conformist, whole-heartedly rejecting the norm. Yet when it came to my relationship, I wanted to conform my husband—us—and the way we projected ourselves.

I was influenced very easily. I replicated a wide-eye, bushy tailed teenager ready to receive the psychology of relationship from any source, family member or friend. I willingly allowed myself to be crafted into a mold designed by the conformity of how others depicted and defined a strong relationship.

My marriage was at the mercy of the outside world, whether a piece of relationship advise from O Magazine or perhaps the appearance of a deeply passionate couple I’d witnessed that day. I would observe the male role on reality TV. I would hear relationship “experts” define—a, b, and c—what real men did and how true ladies behaved. I would watch romantic comedies and the idealistic endings.

I collected this information, stored it away and rationalized these thoughts into analytical, judging words during an argument.

I made the unconscious decision that we should fit a mold. I wanted my husband to fit the perfect little box of the Bread Winner or the Chivalrous Gentleman or Brilliant Exec or Romantic Lover. The random tics of information I had collected about the institution of marriage—successful or not—were so generalized and distorted; yet, they began to unconsciously crowd in my own mind.

I felt lost. I was not genuine. I did not love authentically. I missed living from the inside out. I wanted to be beautifully human again.

With this realization, I made the conscious decision to come back to me, to my husband, to us… to my heart.

I continue to be in awe at what happens when we embrace what we are, instead of fight what is not true to our authenticity. It’s so simple. It’s so life changing. My marriage reality is simply this: our relationship allows me to feel full of life; we have unlimited creativity and the most extraordinary discussions; we have an ebb and flow way of living that is beautiful; we are gifted individuals; we are unconditional; we are different; we are love; we are us.

We have our own unique blend of marriage in the world.

For all the lovers and couples out there, perhaps ask yourself this question: “How is the love I share with my partner unique, beautiful and outside of the box? And can I more gently embrace this uniqueness to enrich my relationship?”

In celebration of Valentine’s week, I’m honored to have a home at TSN, with this opportunity to wish each of you an unconditional journey—carrying your very own remarkable blend of love into the world.

Parting Words on How I Found Love

There is much growth my husband and I still have to do as individuals, and then together as life partners, in a landscape changing from moment to moment. But with each day, I welcome these lessons of wisdom and appreciation.

To reflect and continually grow with meditation, letting go, awareness and forgiveness has allowed us to radiate more light. We can now continue on this journey together—un-moldable, non-conforming to the noise of popular beliefs—being just … us.

I’m grateful to be conscious again. I’m grateful for newly found grace in our marriage. I’m grateful to be breathing, for the first time in a long while, from the inside.

Again, for all the couples out there, consider this question: “How is the love I share with my partner unique, beautiful and outside of the box? And can I more gently embrace this uniqueness to enrich my relationship?”

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About the Author

Cat is an idealist that finds meaning and inspiration in all dynamics of her day – the strangers that become new friends, the synchron-destiny that reveals a little about the mysteries of life, the self-discovery, laughter, and transformations that happens on this adventurous journey.

For her day job, Cat is a corporate banker, and real estate agent, and nutrition coach. She embraces mind-body wellness; waking up before sunrise for yoga & meditation and closing the evening with a jog with her best running buddy – her super-fit hubby, who was also her high-school sweetheart.

* Click here to read all articles written by Cat.

5 Keys to Finding Love

Leigh Harris — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 20:00:18 +0000

Photo by aeschleah

By Leigh Harris

Lessons in finding love can hurt and they can be a steep learning curve. Sometimes I wish I had more answers, sooner, especially when it came to discovering the source of true love.

In my late teens and early 20’s, I thought I knew love, but was far from it. In a quest to finding love, I would always try too hard to make the relationship work. It was an effort based on social ideals, but nothing to do with myself. I feared I couldn’t live up to someone else’s expectations. My expectations–for both of us– would fall short.

Despite trying hard to find love outside of myself, I realized at some point I had become who I thought he wanted me to be, not who I really was. I made mistakes. In making up for them, I spent so much time trying… trying to please, trying to be happy, trying to make it work… I no longer knew who the real me was.

The following are 5 key lessons I’ve learned over the years through understanding relationships and ultimately finding love.

Love Lesson 1: “Trying” Doesn’t Work

Trying is an effort forward with ties to the past. It lacks a genuine loving connection with someone in the present.

Trying to do better doesn’t make it better. It lacks commitment. Instead, use the words: do, be, or connect. For example, instead of saying “I am trying to make this work” say “I am here” or “help me to connect with you.” This is positive action. It creates progress in a relationship.

In my own life, mistakes were common. I said the wrong thing, acted too desperate, or wasn’t interested enough.

However, I couldn’t find the space to forgive myself, no matter how big or small my error had been. Guilt (“I wish I’d never said that”) turned into frustration (“if he didn’t react that way we’d be fine”). It was a negative circle.

Love Lesson 2: Accept yourself

Accept all of yourself, including habits, mistakes and successes. Continue to learn and grow, but in an environment of acceptance, not self-criticism.

Each person is unique. We aren’t supposed to be perfect. Imperfection provides us with opportunities and challenges throughout our whole lives. But we can still love ourselves and our flaws.

Back then I didn’t know enough to love myself, even if I could get past the mistakes. I thought love was only found through another person. Not only did I bury myself in frustration, I was searching in the wrong place.

The right place to find true love was within me.

Love Lesson 3: Find Love Within You

Love is felt and experienced inside of you. Passion, desire and devotion may be about another person, but love is about YOU. How YOU feel and express yourself. The choices YOU make, and the happiness that bubbles up inside you.

Once I discovered where to find love, I developed my relationship with me. I wrote in a journal, unearthed my real self and experienced activities which brought me joy. I learned to forgive past mistakes, and connected more deeply with friends.

Love Lesson 4: Discover Within

Discover who you are and what you have to celebrate with others.

When a relationship isn’t working as planned, look inside for the strength and solution. You can only change yourself. If you feel unhappy, take time to discover its source, and then create happiness in its place.

Change what you can, and embrace and nurture what you can’t.

One day while driving my car, a favorite song came on the radio. I blasted the volume, opened the windows, and sang as loud as I could. A car full of people drove by, smiling, laughing and giving me the thumbs up.” I laughed back, feeling happy, feeling the love within myself as it bubbled over affecting others with its energy.

Later that year I met my husband.

We’ve been married almost 12 years. Through my relationship with myself I can create a stronger bond of love with him, openly experience the natural mistakes and “tries” of marriage, and feel more love within myself.

Love Lesson 5: Express Love Genuinely

Express love as a genuine extension of yourself.

Love is the ability to give of yourself unconditionally, knowing how wonderful it makes you feel, and how grateful you are for the people or person who is in your life. Love is an expression of yourself, and an energetic connection.

Love is all about you. It is what you put into the relationship, what you want out of it, and it is a reflection of how much you love yourself.

The energy of love exudes bliss. When you give love to others with grace and freedom, they will feel it.

I would like to tell my younger self what I’ve learned, but without my mistakes and lessons, I wouldn’t be who I am now. I accept that. Do you?

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About the Author

Living Without Regret

Tina Su — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 01:00:12 +0000

Guest Post By Walter Green

If someone who was important to you died abruptly, would you say to yourself, “I wish I would have . . .”? If something were to happen to you suddenly, wouldn’t you want those you care about to have known how much you appreciated them?

If your answer to these questions is yes, then expressing your deep gratitude to those who have made a significant impact on your life should not be put off any longer. There are several good reasons to start expressing your appreciation to these people now.

The sooner you tell them how you feel, the longer they will be able have to take pleasure in the message. Why wait until they’re old or dying? If they do die, there’s no chance at all that they will ever fully appreciate your level of gratitude.
You could miss the opportunity of having the pleasure of giving this gift of extraordinary gratitude to someone who has made a real difference in your life.
They’ll probably be inspired to help others; in fact, the ripples may very well be felt far and wide, and all because you made these individuals aware of how important they are to you.

I recently took my own gratitude journey and reached out to 44 people who had made the most significant impact on my life. I wanted to deliver my gratitude while I still had the energy and before it was too late and the opportunity was lost. I didn’t want to wait until any of our lives were compromised by ill health or imminent death. So I figured that I should tell these people how much they mattered to me long—hopefully, very long—before that happened and I was left with regrets.

My journey was so gratifying and significant to me and the people who I was able to share my profound expressions of gratitude I began sharing my story with others. I was asked to speak to a couple of the graduate business school classes of one of “my 44,” Dr. Harold Lazarus at Hofstra University.

The audience consisted of young adults, who had full time jobs in addition to their full time evening graduate business school program. By most accounts they might not have related to the importance of gratitude and I was not sure how my message would be received. I could not have been more impressed or more pleased.

Here is one of the many emails I received from the students who shared what the experience of expressing gratitude was like.

Your talk was so thought provoking and I left the class so emotional, but I would say in a good way. As my first person to express profound gratitude to I chose my dad.

He’s someone I really admire and has taught me so many things in life. My dad is such a hard worker – he actually was still at work when I got back to my house after class so I had some time to think about how I was going to approach this assignment. That might have been the hardest part – trying to figure out how to start. It might sound strange, but I was thinking of holding off on talking to my dad for a day. I just didn’t know how to start the conversation, but I was so moved after class tonight that I really wanted to tell him right away what an impact he has made on my life.

As I started to talk to him about what was discussed in class today, I started to cry. We talked briefly today about losing someone you love and I couldn’t imagine life without my dad…and that just stuck in my mind as I started to talk to him. Without hesitation, he gave me a hug and said “you don’t have to say anything, you know I love you.” But I wanted to say what I wrote today in class and after I did he gave me an even bigger hug and said “if I died tonight, I would die so happy. I love you.” It is kind of a morbid thing to say, however after I thought about it I realized that just talking to him for a few minutes made his night (and I guess even his life) happy.

I’m so glad I did it. You’re right – it only took a few minutes to complete but seems to have made a lifetime impact on both myself and my dad. I tell him all the time that I love him, but it felt great to tell him why and I can tell it made him feel good too.

Thank you!
Christina C.

How would you have felt if you were Christina and you did not have this conversation with a parent, sibling, or spouse before it was too late? Imagine how it can affect the rest of your life, like it would Christina’s and her father’s from that day forward.

One expression of gratitude with one person can be the stepping stone for you to express your deep gratitude to those that are really important to you.

You have likely read about the importance of gratitude: the pleasure, the peace of mind, and the deepening of relationships that can be gained from doing so. Although sometimes these positive benefits aren’t a strong enough motivator for action and unfortunately it takes the pain of regret to make us change our habits.

When I recounted my yearlong journey of gratitude in my book, This is the Moment, it was for the purpose of capturing the opportunity to express uncommon gratitude before it’s too late. I didn’t share my journey because I felt anyone should try to replicate it; rather, I wanted to provide the inspiration to create your own path that makes sense for you and the people you want to honor. I strongly encourage you to express gratitude to at least one person and then decide for yourself if you wish to do more.

If you are uncertain and hesitant about how to start your own gratitude journey, please go to my website, and download a free guide that will help you (enter name and email at bottom of page to receive it). If you have already begun to express profound gratitude I encourage you to share your story with our gratitude community.

~ ~ ~

Want a copy of this book? We’re currently giving away two copies on facebook. Leave a comment on TSN facebook page here before January 20, 2011 at 21:59 PST to enter in the draw. If you’re not already a fan of our page, please click on the ‘Like’ button before you can comment. Quick & easy. That’s how we roll! :) Good Luck!

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About the Author:

Walter Green, author of This is the Moment: How One Man’s Yearlong Journey Captured the Power of Extraordinary Gratitude (read more about the book here) was Chairman of the Board and CEO of Harrison Conference Services for 25 years, during which time it grew into the leading conference center management company in the U.S.

He has lectured at the Wharton Graduate School of Business and Hofstra and Long Island universities, as well as being featured as an expert on the topic of effective meetings in numerous national publications. Associated for years with the Young Presidents’ Organization and the World Presidents’ Organization, he’s presently a member of the Chief Executives Organization and the L3 Organization (Leadership, Legacy, Life).

He has described his life since selling his company, as” refocused” rather than retired. During this phase he has mentored young adults and is actively involved in several nonprofit organizations. He lives in Southern California with his wife, Lola.

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Other Articles You May Like:

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Photo Credit: Aeschleah

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When Couples Fight

Tina Su — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:55:46 +0000

Editor’s Note: This article applies also to those not currently in a relationship.

By Tina Su

My husband and I had a fight over the weekend – on our date night, of all nights. We rarely fight, so when emotions escalated to shouting, I knew something had to change. I had to change. There was something to be learned here.

The thing about when couples bicker is that both people feel that they are right. Both people feel that their point of view is rightfully justified. So we try to make the other person understand. When we are arguing, what we are essentially trying to do is to show the other person our side – to show them that we are right (and they are wrong).

After all was said and done, underneath the problem on the surface, what we were really fighting for was to feel appreciated and validated. We, each in our own indirect way, were trying to let the other person acknowledge us, and to value what we contribute. But sometimes, we can be so stubborn.

If you dissect all the fights we’ve had in the past with our significant others, and through observing our friends, I think the desire to feel appreciated and recognized is a common theme.

What’s interesting is that in the heat of “battle”, when we are so consumed with wanting the other person to see our side, we become blind to recognizing the other person’s point of view – which is equally valid and understandable. It’s like trying to put out fire with more fire, you will just end up with a bigger fire.

In every argument, there are two sides to every story. It is highly likely that both parties are partially wrong, and both parties are partially right. And if both people continue to argue for their side, there will be no end to it. There will be no peace, no resolution.

But if one person, puts their own need to feel right on pause for just a few minutes, and sees how painful it must be for the other person, and genuinely apologizes for the hurt they may have unintentionally caused, then a miraculous shift takes place between them.

The other person will realize that they too were wrong, and likely apologize as well. When they do, the energy between them shifts from that of resentment and misunderstanding and hurt to that of love and forgiveness and generosity. When that happens, the love in our hearts expands to a realm beyond us, leaving us feeling a blissful sense of peace.

Admitting that we were wrong can feel as bad as pulling our own teeth. And when we do, it requires an internal fight with our ego to overcome our natural urge to retaliate and defend for our side. But it is possible to make a conscious decision of setting our egos aside – this may require biting our tongues, and nodding our heads in agreement though.

If we truly become the observer, we will see that, in a way, the other person is right – at least partially right. There is something we can learn here. And it really doesn’t matter if they see our side. Our job is to bring love in to situations and to empower ourselves, and those around us. To learn from life.

I came to the realization that “I don’t care to be right anymore. The argument is over something from the past. Why am I constantly trying to bring this unhappy state from the past into my present? And into my future? Why am I creating a future that causes myself suffering?“

Like a light bulb going off in my head, I began to soften up, and began to relax.

When I relaxed, I forgave, and released something from the past, which I’ve held on to so tightly over the past year. This belief -this story- that I’ve held on to, was the source of much pain, which I’ve created for myself. And now, I’ve set it free. I set myself free.

Here are some quotes from Dr. Wayne Dyer from his book Excuses Begone! that seem appropriate to this topic:

“You hear people say this all the time: “I have a right to be upset because of the way I’ve been treated. I have a right to be angry, hurt, depressed, sad, and resentful.” Learning to avoid this kind of thinking is one of my secrets for living a life of inner peace, success, and happiness.”

“At the root of virtually all spiritual practice is the notion of forgiveness. Think about every single person who has ever harmed you, cheated you, defrauded you, or said unkind things about you. Your experience of them is nothing more that a thought that you carry around with you. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you. If you could release them, you would know more peace.”

“A peaceful person attracts peaceful energy. You won’t know God unless you’re at peace, because God is peace. Your resentments literally send God out of your life while you’re busy being offended.”

“You practice forgiveness for two reasons: to let others know that you no longer wish to be in a state of hostility with them and to free yourself from the self-defeating energy of resentment. Send love in some form to those you feel have wronged you and notice how much better you feel.”

Parting Words

Sometimes, when we hit rock bottom, or fall into a dip in our journey through life’s turbulences, there isn’t anywhere else to go but up. Instead of treating these experiences as the enemy, as something that you “hate”, remember that these situations are there to help us wake up.

These experiences are there to teach us something we have yet to learn. These moments are blessings that we have yet to realize. These moments are the turning points of our life, towards something more profound, and valuable, and beautiful.

In summary, here’s what I’ve learned:

I don’t care to be right anymore. I don’t care if another sees my side. It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past now. Let’s focus on the now and the future.
In all challenges, no matter how justified I feel, always come back to myself by asking, “What can I learn from this situation? What lessons am I supposed to learn that I have yet to recognize? What did I learn about myself?”
Writing my thoughts down when these challenges happen is a great way to not only get to know myself in more depth, but also help to relieve resentment and pain. Writing in my journal is my best medicine.
Talking about it to others from the point of complaining and victim identity only prolongs the story, and causes us to remain in the mode of helplessness. But never the less, talking about it to a neutral party helps to relieve some of the bundled-up energy, and may help us find clarity. I recommend finding a counselor who is trained to listen and direct you towards a mindful resolution.
Our opinion about someone (or some situation) colors our perception of them, and projects upon them a story, which makes the story become true for us. This projection changes our interaction with that person, making it appear more real to us. For example, if we believe that someone doesn’t like us, we will start to look for evidences of that person not liking us. As we know, what we seek, we shall find. We project upon this person that they dislike us, and we repeat that belief in our head, and it becomes true for us. In reality it’s only an idea in our own head, and not actually true.
Telling someone you’ve forgiven them, but still complaining for what they “did to you” is not true forgiveness. You’ve only done so superficially. This hard feeling will continue to linger until you can truly forgive them and stop talking about the story.
Forgiveness can be a multi-layered process. Don’t kick yourself if you can’t do it in one sitting. It can take time. Take as much time as you need. Follow the flow of life. Know that when you are suffering, there are more forgiving to be done.
Communication is vitally important in any relationship – not just in romantic ones. It’s important to setup time regularly to communicate, to share openly about your feelings, thoughts, unhappiness, worries, joys, dreams, hopes. For couples who live together, it’s important to do this instead of falling into the routine of crashing on the couch and watching TV all night. Even if sharing time means 10 minutes every day before bed. Make it a priority.
For couples with kids, it is important to commune as a couple and spend quality time together, focused on each other. Schedule date nights, even if it’ll cost money to find a sitter, or that you have to trade baby sitting with another couple. Your relationship is the nest in which your children lie in. Your relationship is the foundation to which your family is built upon. How much money is that worth? Priceless, right? Make it a priority.
Sometimes, we create busyness in our lives to avoid dealing with something that is causing us pain. We bury ourselves in our work, or direct our attention in the solving of someone else’s problems, in order to avoid dealing with a problem in our own life. No worries if you recognize this. We do this unconsciously, and it happens to all of us. Be brave. Make a conscious effort to address the root problem, this will make us feel so much lighter and free. We can actually end up happy (imagine that!).

I love you guys. Thank you for listening. And in case you’re curious, Jeremy and I are doing more than great now. We’re thankful for the learning and growing experience, and are closer than ever! :)

Please take a moment to let the meaning behind these words sink in. Apply what rings true to you to the best of your ability in your own lives. Learn from my mistakes and those around you. Spread joy. Life is so precious, and beautiful – and you deserve to see and experience its beauty in its full bloom.

Have a beautiful week, my friends.

Please help me spread word about this site. If this or any other articles have helped you in any way, please tell one (or many) people about us. Please share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, and email the link to friends. I really appreciate your help. You make this site possible.

And make sure to check out our facebook page, click on the Like button to gain daily inspiration and join our daily conversations about happiness. See you there!
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Special Announcement: Want more than just the articles posted weekly on Think Simple Now? Join our Happiness Team mailing list to receive extra notes on happiness and daily inspiration only available via email. In this email list, I will be sending casually written nuggets of wisdom from my daily life, thoughts and other resources that are inspiring. The emails here won’t be as polished or even edited as TSN articles, but will contain more personal anecdotes, and you’ll get them more frequently.
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External Resources:

Book: Excuses Begone! Dr. Wayne Dyer (above quotes)
Article: Finding Peace in Forgiveness
Book: Loving What Is – Byron Katie
Book: The Power of Now – Ekhart Tolle
Book: I Need Your Love – Is that True? – Byron Katie

How to End Suffering

Tina Su — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:49:24 +0000

By Tina Su

“While pain might be inevitable,
the suffering that comes from the pain is not.
Suffering is not a state of life, it is a state of mind.
Suffering is your response to an event.
Whether you suffer or not depends
entirely on your reaction to that situation.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Today, I will get (more) personal.

I’ve debated about whether or not to share this information in a post. It was a quiet battle between keeping my personal life somewhat private, and the intense desire to share the lessons from this important chapter of my life. In sharing, I’ve surrendered to my fear of being judged negatively by you – readers of Think Simple Now.

My husband Jeremy was married once before. During the early stages of our romantic courtship, he was simultaneously battling the lingering ends of an unsettling divorce (things got ugly and someday I hope to share the details of this tale with you – perhaps in a book). Suffice it to say, it felt like it was never going to end.

For about six months, my inner stillness was disturbed and stirred up by the negative feelings revolving around this event. My “pain body” came crawling out in full, front-and-center view, and stayed with me while causing unnecessary suffering.

Even when his divorce was finally over, I didn’t feel much better. The feelings of resentment and hate (however subtly in my subconscious) for his ex-wife remained for another three months after the fact – until two weeks ago to be exact.

This article isn’t about forgiveness or complaining about my own self-inflicted pains, but it is about personal freedom. The kind of freedom from the massive mountain of stories we’ve piled onto ourselves that result in suffering.

Are you experiencing anything that is causing you worry, heartache, resentment or stress? If so, continue to read and allow me to share the story of my new found freedom… and how I got there.

Personal Story

For the first six months, amongst the ecstasy of finding the mate to my soul, and the joy of deeply connecting with another human being, there was a part of me that felt a tremendous amount of pain.

As excited as we were for having found each other under extreme circumstances, the pending divorce hovered overhead, and a battle for money and properties continued without an apparent end in sight.

Part of me felt as if I was living under water – unable to breath – suffocating. An imaginary dark cloud hung over me, and it seemed to never leave. Even when I pretended that it didn’t exist, whenever I looked up, there it was, that dark piece of sky, high above my head.

Finally, six months later, the divorce was finalized, after Jeremy decidedly gave in, so as to quickly end the prolonged cycle of destruction and suffering.

Well, for me, the pain didn’t end there. From my perspective, here was a grown man who’d left an unfulfilling marriage, and lost nearly everything he had ever earned in his ten years as a working professional.

Here was a man who I loved and adored more than anything else. When I saw that he was being hurt, it hurt me too. The spirit of mother in me, of survival, wanted to protect and fight anyone threatening to hurt my family. I was like a walking cave-woman, minus the animal-skin skirt and wooden club.

To say that I was unwell and unbalanced is an understatement.

The Last Episode

Over the past few months, I have worked diligently at overcoming these negative emotions and associations. Through observing myself in dealing with the repercussions of this event, I have written about surrendering to pain, and ways to overcome resentment, and thought that I was over it…. until two weeks ago.

I have come to learn, that sometimes, change happen in stages. With each interval of self-initiated suffering, I’ve gained a new found understanding about myself, and am better able to get a grasp on my emotions.

Two weeks ago, being the appointed money manager for our household, I started mapping out our finances, and linking our individual accounts to financial planning software.

After several hours of generating reports, creating spreadsheets, consolidating accounts, and running numbers, I was exhausted and should have stopped working. But insisted on linking the last of Jeremy’s accounts. To my surprise, his employee stock portfolio had a balance of zero. After some clarification, I realized that he had lost the balance in the divorce settlement.

Suddenly, all those negative emotions I’d felt towards his ex came rushing back. I had allowed the cave-woman in me to take over once again, and I raged feverishly in madness – well, not literally, but emotionally and figuratively speaking.

I was upset! Justifications of why this was unfair appeared vividly in front of me. I allowed the stories of ‘reasoning’ and justifications to be repeated, and I ended up feeling worst. It was a negative downward cycle.

My months of practiced Zen-ness went flying out the window, and I had allowed my ego to over take over my bodily and emotional control. My stomach was tight, I felt unconsciously unaware, and I experienced a tremendous amount of pain. It was horrible.

Rising From the Last Episode

Photo: Simón Pais-Thomas

“The question is not how to change ugliness into beauty,
pain into pleasure, or misery into happiness.
The question is how to change the unconscious into conscious,
how to infuse awareness into ourselves and embrace reality as it is“
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Like standing in quick sand, I felt myself sinking down. I wanted to overcome this, but something was pulling me down in my inner battle with my ego. I wanted the pain to end, yet part of me silently enjoyed and nurtured the pain, and wanted it to prevail. In the most extreme of moments, I felt that I was on the edge of despair.

The pivotal point came when I realized that my own pain had started to disturb the peace and joy of those living around me. Jeremy in his own expression of courage, embraced me in the worst of my emotional states, sat me down, looked deeply into my eyes and said the following:

You are so powerful. You can use your persistence and strength to get yourself out of this state.
You’ve worked so hard to learn how to handle these situations, now is that critical time to apply what you’ve learned. Now is the opportunity to set yourself free.
There is nothing I can do now to change the past. It is what it is. Everything happens the way they happen, remember?
Babes, why are you creating this pain for yourself?

His words were like water for my thirsty soul, re-grounding me, re-entering me, reminding me to bring awareness into the situation, to take conscious control of my actions by observing my mind with detachment.

I knew he was right, but part of me wanted to say, “No thanks, you’re wrong.”

I felt an inner resistance in me, wanting to justify my unconscious actions and self-torture.

To answer his question, “Why are you creating this pain for yourself?”, I replied, “Because it feels good. It satisfies my ego’s need to attach itself to problems. But deep inside, it doesn’t feel very good. My stomach feels tight.”

Part of my mind was still latched onto the unfairness of money lost, and clung onto that story with a tight grip. And then, it happened, Jeremy said the last sentence that finally unleashed the chain I had created in my mind.

He said, “I would pay a million, a billion dollars to be with you. I think about you throughout the day, and can’t wait to get home, every day. I love our family. I love our life together. What we have here is priceless. Why aren’t we spending our precious time on being together and celebrating our love? Instead, we are digging up and reliving the past.”

These final words shattered the last of the stories conjured up in my mind. I saw, once again the reality of the situation, and it became clear that I was latched on to the past, a fictitious past beyond my control that was causing me varying levels of fruitless suffering.

So stupid, I felt. Yet, I had learned an important lesson about pain and suffering on my journey to inner enlightenment and personal growth. In the end, it wasn’t stupidity, you see… I was simply unconscious.

I spent the rest of the evening journaling, sorting out my thoughts, extracting what I had learned, viewing it from multiple perspectives and giving the story my full awareness. After a few hours of introspective contemplation, I had spread over the pages of my journal, a clear view of the situation for what it is. I can fully accept the past for what it is, and recognize the gem within it.

The evening ended with me being in a deep state of gratitude, for having experienced this these past months, and thankful for Jeremy’s ex-wife – among other things, for being the catalyst to help me learn important things about myself.

Specifically, I had thanked her for being my teacher in disguise, her presence challenged me and pushed my emotional boundaries to limits I hadn’t known before. I wish her joy, laughter and love.

My head is finally out of the water, and I can breathe again.

Another Way of Looking at Pain

“Whether physical or emotional,
Pain is always born from resistance to the present moment.
It hurts because you carry the memory of the past.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

Socially, we’ve been conditioned to believe that emotional pain is bad, and that we should get rid of it at all cost. But what we often end up doing is suppressing it by pretending that it does not exist. We shuffle it under the bed, where others cannot see it, and go on pretending to the outside world that we have no pain.

My personal experience has been; that which we resist, persists. The more we suppress something, the more it will stick around, and affect our emotional wellbeing in the long run. Pretending that it does not exist does not make it go away, it just prolongs the pain for us.

Consider this: What if we treated pain as our friend, instead of our foe? What if we embraced pain, instead of continuously pushing it away? What if we viewed it as our teacher, instead of constantly avoiding it?

The biggest take away I learned is that pain can be a phenomenal teacher on our path to inner fulfillment. There is always something to be learned from every “painful” situation, always something to be discovered about ourselves. What if we just focused on the lessons, and simply move on, without wasting any energy on stabbing ourselves with suffering that solves nothing?

Another way to think about it, without extremely painful moments, we would never feel motivated to change, to better ourselves, to become the person we were destined to become, and to taste the nectar of life that is our birth right.

Think of all the major personal growth changes and shifts you’ve made in your life, were they not inspired by some painful episode that preceded it? Perhaps a painful breakup that taught you about self-love and strength, a rough period of financial instability that taught you about courage and the power of persistence, a period of painful depression that taught you about the miracles of love and possibility.

Pause for a moment, and answer these questions (on paper, please):

What painful episodes did you experience in your life that triggered profound personal change?
What did you learn or gain from this period that you are thankful for today?

Lessons Learned

Things I’ve learned (and re-learned) are:

Our thoughts create our reality. Our reality is conjured up by the stories we tell ourselves and others. What we think and talk about becomes our center of focus, and we miss seeing all the good things happening in our lives.
Constantly repeating the same thoughts causes us to believe in them, even if they were completely made up in our minds.
Suppressing the pain does not eliminate the pain.
Suffering is a choice, and happens when we cannot relinquish the past. The past is not real, it is only in the vivid imagination of our minds. Stop torturing youself, and surrender to the past. “It is what it is, and so be it.” Choose to liberate yourself, right now!
Pain can be a great teacher. Be thankful for it, and learn as much as you can.
Emotional pain is always the result of our attachment to our own perspectives. Our ego stubbornly sticks to one side of the story, and repeats this story in our head on a continuous loop – sooner or later, we start to believe it as reality. But it is not THE reality, it is just our reality, and one of many other possible “realities”. Have courage to view the other possible perspectives, and developing compassion for the other “sides” will help to bring peace and eliminate our own pain.
Ego loves pain and problems. It specifically looks for them when we are not conscious. Because those are the only things that can ensure its survival. Explode your ego, by shining the light of awareness on it. With awareness, we see that the story it has created is silly, unrealistic and unhelpful.
I had learned the influential power of the mind. When we drift away from conscious awareness, even for one day, how easy it was to be yanked away from the blissful and peaceful state we were in just a day prior. I must prioritize my day to do things that nurture my soul before anything else.
When I am feeling bad, my mind looks for more reasons to feel agitated, and I end up feeling worst.

Simple Solutions: What Can You Do?

Photo: Vadim Pacev

“If you become aware of something, you can get rid of it very easily.
If you are not aware of it, It remains with you.
The pain is a pain because it exists in your unconscious, not in your awareness.
Your fear of facing the pain allows it to exist and grow more and more.”
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)

I’m sure that the story I’ve described in this post is an uncommon one that you will (hopefully) not encounter. However, what was learned through this can also be applicable to other kinds of emotional pain that we all face in our daily existence.

Here, I will note a few pointers that you may find helpful for tackling your own brand of pain.

1. Awareness

This is the key to overcoming any kind of emotional pain. As the beautiful quote above summarized so eloquently, have the courage to face your pain and problems square in the face. Become the observer, watch how the pain manifests in your body, fully feel the feelings of its sensations, fully experience the pain.

When you finally surrender and allow the “pain” to flow through you, you will see that you are not harmed, but that a new space is created in you for healing and learning. When you fully experience it and accept it for what it is, it will no longer have power over you.

Imagine your inner space as a physical container, if you continue to resist the “pain”, it remains in your container and will even expand itself. It will come back to haunt you until you can fully accept it. Isn’t it true that the past keeps repeating itself, until we learn the lesson and move on?

When your container is filled up, there is no space for anything else to enter, including energy for healing, for change, for growth. When you face the pain, and fully accept it for what it is, the “pain” gets released from this container, and new space is created. By doing so, you also expand your capacity for love, personal growth and compassion.

From now on, whenever you find yourself feeling the pain sensation, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes and become the witness of the experience. Watch as you inner space transforms. Don’t let this moment pass, stop the suffering before it grows out of hand.

2. Journaling

Writing down your candid, honest thoughts can be deeply therapeutic, not just as a tool for healing, but a tool for discovering and understanding yourself.

When you are upset, start by writing anything that is in your mind, even if it doesn’t make sense. Get it out of your head! Write in detail what is upsetting you.

Once you get the negative thoughts out of your head, start asking yourself critical questions and answer them candidly (on paper, without editing). Here are some to get you started:

What is triggering this pain?
Why am I feeling this pain?
What do I gain by allowing myself to suffer? What does that get me? Why do I want that?
Is the person you blame physically and purposely causing me pain? Or have I created a story and put them in the blame seat?
Do I want this pain to continue? Yes? No? Why?
Why does part of me want this pain? What does it get me?
What am I missing out on by allowing this suffering to take place?
What will I gain if I am free from this suffering?
Why am I not accepting of it? What am I afraid of? What am I holding on to?
Am I focused on the past or present? If the past, what can I change about the past by allowing myself to be upset?
Who else are you hurting by allowing this pain to linger?

You can gain a lot of insight through this exercise. Start with these questions, and write freely, allow your inner wisdom and conscious awareness to guide you through the process to gain clarity.

3. Gather the Lessons

You’ve been given a great gift through the present challenge in your life. And what we once labeled as pain is actually a priceless experience to bring up some deeply buried issues within us. Now that it’s out in the open, we can deal with it and remove it completely.

In your journal, list out all the things that you’ve learned. What did you learn about yourself? What did you gain? How did it benefit you?

4. Gratitude

Gratitude almost sounds cliché and overused these days, but it still stands as a powerful and underestimated ancient tool for fulfillment. By focusing our attention on the countless things we could be grateful for but take for granted, it opens up our heart space and allows love to enter.

In your journal, after you’ve exhausted the questions above, list out things you are grateful for that you have in your life. Focus on what you have now. Also, be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned, and things you gained as a result of this experience.

Side note: I like to do this simple meditation (inspired from Sufism) before I sleep. As I lay in bed, I focus on every part of my body, lovingly thanking it for its hard work and what it provides for me. I start with my feet and move up to the details on my head. We tend to appreciate our body when parts of it stop working, why not start now to encourage it to function healthily? Anyways, I always end up falling into deep sleep, feeling content and fulfilled with having been blessed with so much. And I wake up feeling the same sense of calming presence. Try it for yourself, tonight.

5. Accept the Past

Our future is constructed with the fabric of our present. And if our present focus is constantly colored by memories of our past, our future will only become a repetition of our past.

If we truly want our future to be different and better than our past, we must consciously choose, right now, to change our relationship with our past, and to focus on the present and the good in our lives.

If you don’t want to experience any more pain as a result of an event, stop telling people about it, stop repeating it, stop spreading it. Deal with it consciously and move on.

Change your thoughts, change your language, change your patterns; they will change your future.

6. Write a Letter

If your present “pain” psychologically involves another person, I found it extremely helpful to write a letter addressed to that person. Your goal isn’t to send the letter, but speak as if you were speaking/writing to them, for the sake of healing yourself.

In the letter, be truthful but compassionate. You may consider including some of the following points in your letter:

Forgive them
Apologize
Share with them what you’ve learned
Wish them good things
Come clean with what things you have not said to them
Thank them
Date, time stamp and sign the letter with a kind ending remark

The process of creating this letter can be a glorious experience. Do it in your journal, it is for no one else to see.

Remember, not being able to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. This is for you. Take it seriously and do it authentically.

7. Be Gentle

On our path to personal growth and emotional mastery, we will experience moments of slipping back to our old ways of thinking and doing things. And the realization of this can be incredibly frustrating. I understand and empathize.

Please, please remember to be gentle on yourself when this happens. Congratulate yourself for having had the awareness and insight to recognize it, and that it is a sign that you are making forward progress.

Don’t put yourself down either, by saying things like “I’m a slow learner”. No, if that’s the case, we are all slow learners. Why are you putting us down too? I personally slip all the time, and have to forgive myself on almost a daily basis. It’s okay, it happens.

Parting Words

Before we part, I wanted to thank you for reading this far. For those of you inspired to make some changes, to liberate yourself from the suffering in your life, I applaud you for your courage, and I am excited for the amazing transformation you’re about to witness. Remember to be gentle with yourself.

* What did you learn? Share your thoughts and stories in the comment section. See you there!

If you enjoyed the article, please join Think Simple Now on facebook or follow us on Twitter. And we’d love it if you can share this article on twitter, thumb it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. Thank you for your support. :)

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Yup, I Got Hitched!

Tina Su — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:28:50 +0000

Photo: Emily Helen, Best Kauai Wedding Photographer

By Tina Su

On Feb 12^th at 4pm, under the warm glow of the afternoon sun and feeling the refreshing sea breeze, I got married to Jeremy on the beautiful Moloa’a beach in a small and intimate ceremony administered by my dad, on the island of Kauai, Hawaii. (photos here)

It is true what they say. Love comes when you’re least expecting it…. At least, that’s what happened to me.

Here is the tale of my love story and what I’ve learned – from finding love, to planning the big day.

Section 1: The Courtship

My Romance Journey

I have been a serial dater (that’s right!) for most of my early and mid twenties. In a quest to find self acceptance and approval through others, I had gotten into relationships for many of the wrong reasons: fear of being alone, financial and emotional security, reputation, feeling successful by association, casual sex that turned into committed relationships with the wrong people, etc.

In the game of finding love, I did well on the surface, but I resented the power it had over me. I would bounce back and forth between hating the dating game and vowing that I shall stay single, and staying up until 2am compulsively browsing dating profiles in an act of desperation.

I felt truly lost.

You may have read from my last article on finding love that my freedom day came in 2006 when I experienced a miraculous level of clarity in understanding why my relationships were causing me so much pain. From that day forward, I stopped looking externally, and worked on understanding and loving myself.

For a year, I was not involved in any relationships, and had spent most of my free time learning and practicing the art of self love. I took myself on dates, I read books that nurtured my soul, I meditated, I studied relationships, and I took up drawing and writing.

The transformation and growth I experienced happened silently and powerfully. Months had passed before realizing that I had connected with a deeper part of myself, and that I was happier than ever before. I no longer felt lonely. I no longer felt the need to find love.

During this period, I learned that I didn’t need another person in order to feel loved, beautiful and complete. And I learned that loneliness is how we have chosen to feel when we forget that we are already connected with love, and that we are already whole.

It was after making this realization that love started knocking on my door.

Serendipity Happens: How We Met

Jeremy and I were work acquaintances. We met two years ago, during a tour of the photo studio, while I interviewed with his team for an engineering position. Little did I know at the time; that interaction had planted the seed in Jeremy that would bloom two years later.

Last summer, during the last weeks leading up to my departure from my job at Amazon, I started listing household items as for-sale on an internal mailing list. On a curious midweek afternoon, I received an email from Jeremy, asking whether I was moving, and ending the email with “Oh, and I’ll take the milk frother.”

According to Jeremy, when he found out that I was leaving the company and moving out of town, he felt a strong pull inside him that compelled him to contact me before I left.

Buying the milk frother from me was just an excuse to meet in person. To make a long story short, over the span of several days, the milk frother exchange turned into several intense conversations where we realized our connection, and Jeremy confessed his love. I felt deeply conflicted between feeling happy and experiencing guilt for being happy.

At the time, I was on the ending trail of a previous relationship, and I had to confront the conflict between following the pull of my heart and soul and doing what might appear to be socially questionable. It was a rough and emotionally exhausting period in which we sorted out complications and brought closure to our previous relationships.

Initially, we were afraid to be misunderstood and judged by other people, especially our friends and family. But over time, we realized that life is precious, and we should be living a life that’s true to ourselves, instead of living for the sake of pleasing other people while denying our own needs. In the end, the friendships that really mattered to us chose to stand by our side, fully and unquestionably supporting us.

I chose to follow my heart, and looking back, it was the right decision.

How do I know I made the right decision? It just felt right!

The milk frother now sits happily on our kitchen counter – unused as usual – and quietly reminding us the miracles that comes with every moment.

Summary: Lessons on Finding Love

Here’s what I’ve learned so far about the process of finding love:

When you love yourself, you will appear more beautiful to the outside world.
You cannot find love, it finds you when you are ready. Instead of waiting for it to “happen“, spend time focusing on improving yourself and loving yourself.
We are all actors in the universal play of life. We cannot predict the future with certainty, and when something is meant to happen, it happens regardless of how we expect things to play out.
Love happens when we are least expecting it. Impatiently waiting for it to happen will only lead to disappointment. Trust that it will happen when the time is right, and continue to seek and experience the joy happening in your life right now.
Once you are in a relationship, go travel together. Travelling is a great way to filter out ill-fitted romantic partnerships. Traveling can be stressful, and seeing how well you gel together in stressful situations can be very insightful. It’s okay to have grumpy moments when you’re stressed out, point is, these moments give you an opportunity to see if you can handle your partner when they are moody and displaying their worst behavior.
Be brave. When a relationship is no longer working out, speak with your heart. Honesty and courage have the power to help you through any adverse scenario. Always voice out what it is that you want. Don’t settle, because you’re worth more than that. In the long run, being honest will secure the best situation for everyone involved.

Section 2: The Wedding

Photo: Emily Helen, Best Kauai Wedding Photographer

Since I was a little girl – I’ve had a vision of what my fairy tale wedding would be like. A fancy reception held at a large hall, where friends and family gathered to see me being swept off my feet by a prince charming on a white horse.

As I became an adult, and with the more weddings I attended, the more I realized that often times couples are so preoccupied and distracted with wedding details that they forget to focus on each other when the big day came. Not to mention, such weddings are expensive, thus adding to the stress.

I have been engaged once before, and had mentally prepared for a large wedding then. But once I had envisioned it, I no longer felt the need to make it a reality. I realized that the root of wanting a large wedding was to show off, and showing off isn’t worth the amount of money one could use instead to buy a new car. I much preferred saving that money for a rainy day, than blowing it on a big party that lasts only one night. Besides, the point of a wedding is to celebrate love and the union of two souls, not to impress friends and family.

For this reason, Jeremy and I wanted to elope. But eloping wasn’t the answer that would satisfy the cravings of a loving mother, wanting to watch her little girl get married. So, we decided against eloping but to keep the wedding private to family members.

Because we had kept it small, the details were manageable without a wedding planner, and were pulled together within a few weeks, with the most difficult part being coordinating the travel details. I ordered the dress and veil online and had the alterations done by my favorite tailor in Seattle. We picked out the types of flowers and arrangements we liked and then made a few calls to florists before placing an order.

We chose the most amazing photographer living on Kauai to do our photos. Being photographers ourselves, Jeremy and I were extremely picky when it came to finding a photographer. After reviewing about fifty different photographers, we decided Emily Helen was simply the best. I contacted her and worked out a mutually beneficial deal, where we paid a significantly reduced rate in exchange for my consulting services to help her business.

Jeremy and I wrote our own vows, and when the big day came, the experience exceeded any expectations that I had. My dad conducted the ceremony, my mom was the ring bearer, Jeremy had decorated the cake, and I decorated the reception table. It was all very sweet and intimate.

To reflect our individual spiritual practices, my dad had designed a uniquely multi-denominational service that incorporated pieces from modern day sages Ekhart Tolle and Paramahamsa Nithyananda, as well as from Christianity, Hinduism, and Buddhism. There were a lot of tears, and a lot of laughter.

I wish you all were there!

Summary: Lessons on Wedding Planning

Weddings can be extremely costly. Because wedding venders know that couples usually work from a budget, they expect a large pay off, and will charge unreasonably. Be conscious of what you are paying for a given service. Just because you have budgeted the money, it doesn’t mean you need to spend all of it. And just because some people are spending $30,000 on a wedding, that doesn’t mean that you need to do the same.
We all have preconceived notions of how a wedding is supposed to look, and so when we get married, we try to make it appear like that image in our imagination. Stop for a second and ask yourself why you would need that particular something, and you can save yourself a lot of money. For example, I had envisioned a 3 tiered wedding cake, but we didn’t have 100 people coming to the reception to consume it, so it really didn’t make any sense. But I had latched on to that idea because it matched my image of a wedding. We didn’t end up having a 3 tiered cake, not because we didn’t try, but because circumstances did not allow it. In the end, the single tiered cake we got was perfect, and we still couldn’t finish all of it.
Relinquish the idea that everything needs to be perfect. Trust that things will go as they are meant to, and even if some detail doesn’t go as planned, let it go! Focus on why you are there in the first place. Focus on the love you feel for your partner. This will bring you peace and minimize unnecessary stress.

Parting Words

Thank you for listening to my story. I had debated on whether or not to make this a public post. In the end, this site is about happiness, and I felt that by sharing a slice of happiness from my own life I might inspire hope in some, and satisfy curiosity in others. :) Thank you again for listening.

For photos from the beach ceremony, check out SimplyTina, additional wedding photos are posted on Facebook.

Special thank you goes out to Emily and Josh for helping us during our stay:

Kauai Wedding Photographer – Emily was an amazing photographer and person. We loved working with her. Thank for for suggesting Moloaa for us.
Josh from Kauai Exclusive, hooked us up with the most amazing deals at Waipouli Beach Resort. Thank you! Thank you!

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How to Find True Love

Tina Su — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:56:13 +0000

Photo: stock photo

While “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic I’ve written on, it’s not surprising that a close second is the topic of How to Find True Love. Here’s an email from one reader:

“I’ve realized that one of my main goals is to find a worthwhile and long term relationship. I noticed you have entries on how to keep a relationship and on how to end a relationship so would you consider writing an entry on what you perceive to be the best way to find a worthwhile relationship. How to avoid making the same mistakes, overcoming fears, keeping up motivation after failure etc.”
- Gary (Dublin, Ireland)

Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved, and to be happy.

Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and wealth and fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.

If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of finding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are, you didn’t grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we certainly didn’t study relationships in our high school curriculums. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error and learning through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?

In light of Valentine’s Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time: finding love.

Personal Story

I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.

I’ve always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, I’ve often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.

Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.

My freedom day came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain. (Read my detailed journal entry from that day here.)

I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with relationship expert Alison Armstrong. I have come a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.

Problematic Relationship Patterns

Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.

1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities

As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

2. Communication of Needs

Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.

3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default

Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.

The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.

Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.

We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.

Photo: Emily Helen, The Best Kauai Wedding Photographer

The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.

The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to be extraordinarily happy.

What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.

For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.

In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.

Identifying Must-Haves

Here’s a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify the must-have qualities in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go through this, even if you are presently in a relationship.

Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.

Ready? Here we go:

Step 1. The Perfect Image

On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.

Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.

For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.

Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)

Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.

Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:

“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”

If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.

Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.

Step 3. Screening MRs

Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:

“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”

If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.

The Selection Process

I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.

First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.

Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.

Photo by Mike BG

On my first dates with any guy, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.

Personally, I was looking for a husband and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married before I turned 30 and to start making babies within two years of getting married. Oh, and I would also like to have two children. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.

Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.

As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.

Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.

Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.

Love Yourself First

As I mentioned in the article How to Overcome Breakups, the art of loving yourself is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also in finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves.

Another way of looking at this is to imagine each person in a relationship as a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the other is dependent, it’s like one stick is standing perfectly vertical and the second stick is leaning against the vertical stick. If the vertical stick moves horizontally, the leaning stick will fall. When two people are both independent and joined together through love, it’s like two sticks standing vertically. When they join together, they become a larger and stronger stick and they become interdependent and stronger. If one stick moves horizontally, the other stick will move with it.

Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the mirror.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.

When you truly love yourself, you will exude and spread a magnetic energy to those around you. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.

Forgiving Our Ex’s

When we hold onto unresolved issues from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage in our future relationships. I’ve found forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that contributes to the wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.

A few years ago I sat down with, or phoned, several of my ex-boyfriends, and apologized for hurt feelings I may have caused, and expressed and forgave them for my own hurt feelings from the relationship. This experience brought closure to those relationships, removed the baggage, and allowed new friendships to develop.

A Few Words On Sex

For those of us who are sexually active, I would like to point out one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is a chemical change that takes place in your body. In particular, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad fit for us, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it’s for a short amount of time. Far too often, these relationships can turn into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.

It is recommended by relationship experts to not have sex during your dating and selection process unless you are okay with being emotionally bound to that person or having that person be emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with someone unless they fit all the qualities on your MR list.

For more information on this topic, read chapter four of “The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

Parting Words

People often ask, “Where should I go to find this person?” The logical answer provided by most is to go to places where such a person would hang out, but this practice can often lead to disappointment. My suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain clarity on what you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend time practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead spend your efforts on self development.

As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.

* Got a love story you want to share? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

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External Resources on How to Find True Love:

Audio CD: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: – Understand the Conflicts. End the Confusion. Make the Right Choices.
Book: The Power of Now
Book: The Female Brain
Audio CD: Celebrating Love

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