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Video: The Power of Language + News

Tina Su — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:58:18 +0000

Hello. I’m trying something new. Sharing “big ideas” on video — ideas I’ve found helpful, inspiring or empowering. Check it out:

Click here to watch it on YouTube,

One of the many things I admire about my husband is that he is very prone to taking action. He doesn’t stay stranded for long talking in circles about what he wants. He will consider thoughtfully about what he wants, mention it once, and then he’ll go out to do something about it.

Over the last few months, Jeremy has been obsessed with filmmaking using digital SRL cameras. He is a still photographer by profession.

One day, he came home with a proposal to invest some of our money in photo gear, so that he can learn at home, and get better. Knowing how important it is to develop our passions, I agreed.

A week later, two large boxes showed up at our house. That same night, after Ryan went to bed, he excitedly unpacked everything, and set it all up in our kitchen. He dragged me out of my office, and said, “Honey, let’s do a video!”

I didn’t have any time to panic or have the opportunity to reject him, because he had already set up everything and was so eager to do something about the drive he felt inside. I did buy myself some extra time with the excuse that I had to go put on lipstick, and run my hair quickly through the curlers.

I didn’t have time to plan what to say, which is a good thing, because I could then talk spontaneously instead of it sounding like a memorized ridged speech. I just started blabbing about a simple idea that Marie Forleo reminded me of—The power eliminating the word “Can’t” from our vocabulary. The result is in the video above. I hope you like.

Even though I was nervous at the beginning, and still cringing as I watch this now (we’re so critical of ourselves), I’m really glad I did it. I was given an opportunity to face a fear, backed by heavy spousal peer pressure, and I did it. In the end, it wasn’t that bad. And if I could give advice to my younger self from a week ago, I’d say to her, “Girlfriend, self-consciousness is over rated. It’s all in your head. Just relax and be yourself.”

Lately, I’ve been working consciously to do things outside of my comfort zone. For example, I started doing podcast audio messages in the TSN Insider newsletter. The audio recordings gave me more confidence in exploring more things that made me uncomfortable—like video messages.

I guess the message of today is two fold:

1. Just Do It

If you want to do something, just do it. Don’t over plan it. Don’t over think it. If you do, you’ll never get started.

Just dive in and test the waters. Truth is, thinking about the things that scare you take more energy than if you just go out and do it. Just dive in, take that next step and see where you end up.

2. The Power of Language – Can’t vs. Won’t

Notice your language as you describe your daily situations. Did you really mean that you can’t do it when you said “I can’t” or did you actually mean “I won’t”, “I’m not willing to”, “I don’t want to”?

The actual words you use to describe what is happening can either create possibilities for you or will become a roadblock. The choice is up to you. I vote for the option that can create possibilities.

Site News

We have some latest happenings at the happy headquarters of TSN.

1. Work Awesome

Think Simple Now has a new brother. His name is Work Awesome. Earlier this month, I acquired this popular blog in the productivity and work-life balance space from the team at Envato.

The interesting story is that I found it while I was procrastinating on finishing the book project I’m currently working on (you know how we do that? Ie. Browse facebook when we’re under a deadline at work.).

Instead of browsing facebook, I like to browse websites for sale sites. I almost fell out of my chair when I saw that the highly reputable Envato had listed two of their web properties in auctions to be sold.

I immediately contacted the CEO of the company with a simple proposal –why I would be the ideal person to take over ownership. I figured that I have nothing to lose by asking and proposing. “What’s the worse that can happen? He says no? Not a big deal. At least I tried.”

To my surprise, he said yes to my proposal, and over the span of the next 5 days, we closed the deal and I was the proud new “mama” for this awesome site.

Lessons from this story? Putting yourself out there, being audacious, and asking for what you want will often pay off in that you end up getting what you want (or better).

Our Chief Spiritual Evangelist, Pooja, will be managing the editorial content on Work Awesome. Periodically, I will share articles on workawesome.com on topics related to productivity, career advancement, business and time-management tips.

How does this change TSN? It doesn’t. TSN will continue to be a place of personal reflection and life inspiration. While Think Simple Now is focused on being happy with our personal life, Work Awesome is focused on being happy at work. I see the two sites as complimentary to each other—touching upon two major areas of our life.

Want to be awesome at work? Subscribe to workawesome.com here (via email), like us on facebook, follow us on twitter, and join the mailing list (for less frequent updates).

2. Personal Sabbatical

As announced on the Insider Newsletter, I am taking the next two weeks off to recharge, to relax, to re-connect with me and to reflect (on what I want to do with my life).

My focus over the next two weeks will be to take care of myself, something I have not done in a long time. I miss connecting with me, and look forward to it.

Until then, this site will be quiet.

However, we have over 150 insightful personal reflective stories on this site. If you are looking for something to read, or some inspiration, or a topic to reflect upon, check out our extensive archive.

Not sure where to start? Here are some hand picked articles:

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Can you help me for 1 minute?

Tina Su — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 05:57:50 +0000

How often do you want to receive new articles from TSN? As you may have noticed, I started posting more frequently since the start of this year. I was toying with the idea of increasing the post frequency to daily, but I don’t want to annoy or overwhelm you. I want your input.

Please let me know your ideal preference. If the majority wants less than 5 times a week, then I will post less. Cool?

Please take a minute to fill out this quick survey. Thank you for your help!!

Love to you.
–Tina

Just for kicks, here are some articles from the past that you may like:

P.S. If you’re not already on our facebook page, you’re missing out in loads of fun. We’ve got weekly inspirational book giveaways, self reflective questions, and our daily inspirational quotes — hand picked just for you. Come on by and click the Like button. See you.

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A Letter of Gratitude + Good Mood Update

Tina Su — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 00:22:31 +0000

A year ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed, scared for my baby’s future, and struggling with a lot of pain that my mind had convinced me to be true. The following 6 months proceeded to be the darkest emotional period of my life.

Looking back, it all seems so far away. A blurry memory from the past.

I am a believer that things happen to us for a reason, and that reason is a gift –often disguised as challenges- that helps us grow and to fully experience the beautiful subtleties of Life. If nothing else, at least to remind us to appreciate the good in our lives, which we often take for granted.

Today, our 4lb preemie baby is a healthy, happy, active, and very curious little boy. Ryan now has 8 teeth, is in the 90^th percentile for height, can stand on his own, and can crawl faster than I can catch him.

My friend Derek thinks we should stop calling him a “preemie”, and instead call him “advanced”. He was so eager to learn about the world, that he came out of the “oven” 8 weeks early.

And myself? Today, I feel like I’ve reached another peak of personal fulfillment and Joy. I am happier, more centered, and more grateful to the little gifts of everyday life. I have learned so much through this past year.

Things aren’t always smooth (as with everyone’s life), but today, I am better able to re-adjust the sail of my emotional boat than ever before. I feel that I am much more fluid at accepting and adapting to the fluctuations of daily life, which we all encounter.

I wanted to take a moment to thank YOU, from the depth of my Being, for being so supportive of me over the past years, and months, and weeks, and days.

Thank you for being patient with me, when I was too disturbed with my own struggles to write. For being the most outrageous cheerleaders, when the good mood blogging contest was going down.

Thank you for pointing out my typos and spelling booboos. For encouraging me with words of comfort when I needed it. For participating and sharing openly about your life on our facebook page.

Thank you for being uniquely you, and for reminding me to be uniquely me.

You guys, truly rock my world.

I can’t wait to see what 2011 has in store for us. And I have a hunch it’s going to be something extraordinary! Something that will bring us even closer together – a community of happiness soldiers, spreading messages of joy and conscious living in a massive way. I can’t wait!

I’ve converted the Happiness Team email list (originally created to remind people to vote) to a Think Simple Now thought of the day mailing list – where I share, casually, some thought that inspired me each day. I do my best to send something daily. The messages are immediate, unpolished, and frequent. If you’ve enjoyed our regular Think Simple Now articles here, come by and have a look at the Thought Of The Day mailing list. See you on the inside!

From my family to yours, wishing you abundance, happiness, and laughter. I love you.

Good Mood Gig2 Blogger Contest Results

In other news, I just got a call from the SAM-e Good Mood Blogger contest people, and the verdict is: we won!

*happy dance*

When I took the call, I was standing in the middle of the grocery store, holding several packages of frozen goods. My heart was beating so loud –as if it was bouncing 5 meters out of my chest- I could barely hear the representative’s voice.

I was so nervous, I don’t actually remember what she said. The only thing I remember now is that I had won, and the sound of my heart beating loudly. And now, I can finally release the breath I’ve been holding for the past 2 months, and begin to breathe and function like a normal human again. *smiles*

During the contest period, I was deeply moved by all the support from you, all the emails with words of encouragement and wisdom, and for everyone going out of your way to get your family and friends to vote. I am sincerely grateful.

I’ve written about this in the Daily Emails. To summarize: I’ve received so many gifts as a result of this contest, that even if we didn’t win, I would have walked away feeling like a winner – after all, winning is a psychological state in our own minds.

Through this time, I got to connect closely with so many of you. I got to hear your stories. And through your transparency, and heart felt writing, often your stories would bring tears to my eyes.

I have so much to learn. And I’m glad we can do this together.

The other big gift I received as a result is reconnecting with my voice, which I thought that I had lost after diving into “mommy brain” mode for several months.

I’ve enjoyed writing the daily emails to many of you in the mailing list – for those who wanted daily vote reminders. I learned that good articles don’t have to take 20 hours to produce. The conditions don’t have to be perfect. I can write, or do anything, whenever I set my mind to it. It’s all a matter of intention.

I’ve also become unexpected friends with a finalist from last year, Suzanne McMinn – who was so generous, and shared so much wisdom with me; not just about the contest, but also some much needed advice on how to become a better pro-blogger.

Until the new year -when I start to post daily snippets of happiness on the good mood blog- you can join our daily conversation on facebook (I’d love to see you there), or sign up to receive the Thought Of The Day email.

I thank you again, from the wholeness of my heart.

Have a beautiful week!

Enjoy the Holidays.

Tina

Please help me spread word about this site. If this or any other articles have helped you in any way, please tell one (or many) people about us. Please share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, and email the site to friends. I really appreciate your help. You make this site possible.

And make sure to check out our facebook page, click on the Like button to gain daily inspiration and join our daily conversations about happiness. See you there!

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Video Update + Overcoming Anxiety

Tina Su — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:03:45 +0000

[Update 12/20/10] The contest has ended. Please see the results here.. And read on for the second part of this post on overcoming anxiety.

Very exciting news! I’ve made it as one of the top 20 finalists through to phase 2 of the Good Mood Blogger competition, and you can now see my 90 second video entry below (or click here).

Voting starts today. Please help me with a quick 2 sec vote everyday until December 10^th, 2010 (Click here to read why you should vote for me). If you need a quick reminder, sign up here and I’ll shoot you an email each morning. And if you believe in me, please also share the vote page or video link on facebook, twitter, or emailing them to your network. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Film Credits

Editing by the genius editor Brian Gavin. Director and Director of Photography by my talented and fast-learning husband Jeremy Sawatzky. Music by the inspiring Jim Brickman, “If You Believe” from his album “Greatest Hits”, used with permission from the artist.

It was a fun two days of filming. Everyone in our family helped out. My mother-in-law was the second camera operator, my father-in-law was the sound guy holding the boom mic, and Tommy & Blackie were my supporting actors. We improvised and learned the technical details as we went along. The day was filled with a lot of laughter and a ton of learning.

About The Video

Since we had a 2 week family vacation that was pre-planned right in the middle of the competition, my only option was to create the video two weeks before phase 1 ended, prior to receiving the actual video guidelines.

Unfortunately, the guidelines do not allow showing of other people in the video, so we had to cut out adorable clips of baby Ryan and I (image at the top of this post, captured from the video), and Jeremy and I. And in order to fit the 90 second time frame, some of my dialog was cut, which would have made the video more engaging. But we did the best we could given the circumstances.

I am hoping to “bribe” our friend Brian in the coming week to maybe create a full version of the video without restrictions using the full dialog. If it becomes available, I’ll announce it on the Happiness Team mailing list (You can join it here – where I’ll be sending a quick daily reminder to vote during phase 2, along with an inspirational message of the day).

I took a bit of risk with the video in that instead of showing myself explicitly saying, “Vote for me. I am ALWAYS in a good mood.” – which I anticipated everyone else to do – I took an indirect approach.

Instead of explicitly saying how many blog subscribers I have, or how many facebook fans this blog attracts, or how much social media experience I have (which can all be easily found with a quick visit to this blog), we used cinematic story telling to present a simple message: I have been successfully blogging professionally about personal happiness for several years, and I am a genuinely happy person with a simple purpose – to spread happiness.

I hope my indirect approach of using visually engaging story telling will make my video stand out from the crowd and demonstrate, to the judges, originality and my commitment to delivering quality content.

What do you think? Share your feedback with me about the video in the comment section. And if you can, I’d love it if you can leave a quick comment on YouTube, and click the “Like” button. Thank you for your support!!

Related Article: Help Me Spread Happiness?

Overcoming Anxiety

A post on Think Simple Now isn’t a post unless it contained some practical words of personal growth in it. So I wanted to share with you insights I’ve learned about anxiety and nervousness thought entering and campaigning for this blogging competition.

The tricky thing about entering into a competition like this, while traveling on vacation, is that there is a lot more time to think about it, without the ability to do much about it. Our minds have a funny way of looping our thoughts and creating unnecessary doubt.

I spent a small portion ([added by Jeremy] read: large portion) of our trip annoying my husband by second-guessing myself, and asking loaded questions with the intention of having him soothe my doubts.

And then it occurred to me that all of the built-up anxiety and second-guessing were just wasted energy. Wasted, because they don’t contribute anything to the outcome. So I took a deep breathe, relaxed, and focused my energy on the activities I was engaged in at the moment – like listening to the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore, watching my son play in the water, feeling the heat of the sun on my face, taking in the texture of the book I’m reading, or feeling gratitude for the thirst-quenching gift of a cold glass of water.

I think it’s normal to feel some butterflies when anticipating something uncertain in our future – like this competition for me or perhaps a job interview or a date for you. But prolonged worrying and second-guessing ourselves can consume us, drain our energy, and cause us to pull our focus away from what matters – the realities of whatever it is that is happening right now, the gift of this moment. Plus, anxiety and nervousness don’t feel very good in our bellies.

I don’t know if it’s true, but I’d like to believe that things happen for a reason. Whether this is true or not, doesn’t really matter. What I do know is this: it is us who gives meaning to our experiences. Therefore, I choose to give meanings to events in a way that benefit my emotional wellbeing, and help me to feel peaceful and happy.

Life has a mysterious way of revealing its great plans for us. And I choose to see that no matter what I am presented with, it is the best thing for me, even if I don’t understand it. And as such, I am okay with whatever the outcome will be.

It’s like that relationship that ended years ago, which at the time caused us a lot of pain. And then years later, looking back, realizing that it was the best thing that could have happened to us.

At the time, we didn’t understand what good could come from such a painful event, but later realized that someone who is a better fit for us awaits us in the future. Or, the suffering in itself pushed us to an emotional edge, triggering us to re-examine our life, thus recognizing the simplistic beauty and wisdom that constantly surrounds us.

Parting Words

Life is simple, and it is beautiful, and it is a constant unfolding of opportunities for us to learn from. Embrace these opportunities – sometimes disguised as (potentially painful) challenges – and your life will surly become more rich and meaningful. You will likely smile more, and be able to spread more Joy to other people.

I wish you a beautiful weekend, my friends. Thank you for supporting me, for reading, for helping make my dream -of writing about the beautiful subtleties of Life- a reality.

Want to see me write on positive topics 5 days a week for 6 months? Then help me win the Good Mood Blogger job with a daily vote here (until Dec 10). If you need a daily reminder, sign up here (no spam. Only for voting reminders until Dec 10^th). And if you liked my video, support me also by hitting the “Like” button, and leave a quick comment on YouTube. Thanks a million! I couldn’t do this without you.

Talk soon.
Tina

P.S. Just for kicks, here are some behind the scene candid photos from our video shoot at home

Please help me spread word about this site. If this or any other articles have helped you in any way, please tell one (or many) people about us. Please share this on Facebook, tweet it on twitter, and email the link to friends. I really appreciate your help. You make this site possible.

And make sure to check out our facebook page, click on the Like button to gain daily inspiration and join our daily conversations about happiness. See you there!
—
Special Announcement: Want more than just the articles posted weekly on Think Simple Now? Join our Happiness Team mailing list to receive extra notes on happiness and daily inspiration only available via email. In this email list, I will be sending casually written nuggets of wisdom from my daily life, thoughts and other resources that are inspiring. The emails here won’t be as polished or even edited as TSN articles, but will contain more personal anecdotes, and you’ll get them more frequently.

Related Article: Help Me Spread Happiness?

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Help Me Spread Happiness?

Tina Su — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 08:44:37 +0000

By Tina Su

[Update 12/20/10] The contest has ended. Please see the results here.
[Update 11/20/10] We’ve made it into round 2. See my video, behind the scene look, and thoughts on anxiety here. Keep voting until Dec 10, 2010.

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
~ Helen Keller

So, I did something last night that totally scared me. I applied for the Sam-E Good Mood Blogger job – where the winning Blogger will be paid to blog everyday for 6 months, on being happy.

I need your help.

The competition is in two phases. Phase one is based on total votes from the general public [Vote for me here, no registration. 2 seconds. Read on for why you should vote for me.].

The 20 most voted bloggers move on to phase two, where they’ll be submitting a video entry showcasing (in a creative way) why they are the perfect fit for the job. The winning video will be based 20% on phase two votes and 80% on judge scores.

In my three years with TSN, you may have noticed that I’ve never published a video. Well, that’s because I’m terrified of them.

Seeing that the competition already started 12 days ago, and its deadlines conflict with my family’s schedule, I wrote it off, silently thinking, “Oh good, I don’t have to do the video.”

Lying wide-awake, I couldn’t sleep. Something in me felt a calling towards this project, like an invisible arm, keeping me awake until I hopped out of bed at 2am and applied.

When I hit the submit button, I felt my heart thumping in my chest. “This is it!”, I said to myself. “It’s all or nothing. There’s no going half way. We’re in it to win it!”

And then, two thoughts rushed to the surface of my consciousness:

“The best way to overcome any fear is to face it despite feelings of insecurities or fear.”
“If you have the desire towards doing something, then the Universe has already equipped you with the tools necessary to see its fruition.“

These two thoughts made me feel better. I took a deep calming breath, relaxed and started writing in my journal – of why I wanted to do this, why it was important, and the kind of value I will create for the world if I get the job.

Once the fear finished washing over me and settled away from me, I felt a gush of excitement. I have been running on adrenaline all day, and I can’t stop smiling. It just feels right.

Why Vote For Me?

Have you ever felt connected to my writing? Felt that some of it was valuable, tugged at your heart, or inspired you to feel better about life? Getting this jobs mean that I will be publishing heartfelt, motivational and empowering articles every weekday for 6 months straight.

Instead of long waits between articles, you’ll get Think Simple Now style inspirational articles in bite-sized (250-500 words) form. Ready and waiting in your inbox or reader before you get to work each morning.

For people who enjoyed my in-depth articles from 2008 and 2009, and wondered why I haven’t posted as frequently this year, it is because I am a full-time mom, and the only free time I have to write is when everyone’s asleep. This usually translates to all-nighters and a sleepy & cranky Tina the following day.

If I get this job, the pay will help me hire a part-time nanny, so that I have more flexibility to write and be creative without pulling all-nighters. As a result, I will not only be able to produce more uplifting articles, the articles will become better overtime. Writing is like anything else, consistent practice will make you exceptional.

Lastly, my life purpose is to empower, motivate and inspire people to live happy lives. With the exceptions of raising well-balanced children and having a happy family, there is no other goal in my life that is more important to me. In many ways, I feel that this is what I was born to do – to inspire people to be happy through uplifting articles.

By supporting me with daily votes until Dec 10^th(Updated on 11/24), you are essentially helping me spread happiness and empowering messages to many more people. You become a part of the “Happiness Team”, spreading positive messages – which will have a domino affect in creating positive change in the world (See how important you are?).

Together, we can bring positive messages and hope to thousands of people from around the world.

And all it takes is 2 seconds a day to vote. There is no registration. Just a button to click: “VOTE”.

For each unique IP (internet provider), you can cast a new vote everyday (past midnight counts as new day). :)

[Start voting today.]

Here are the types of content I promise to provide on the Good Mood blog if I get the job:

Daily snippets of inspirational words that are meant to motivate, empower and encourages you to discover the wisdom within you.
Incredible ideas from the best personal development and spiritual growth books summarized in digestible forms, that serve as daily reminders and are sure to uplift and inspire.
Daily life lessons I encounter, and related personal stories.
Tools I am presently using to lift my mood, to stay centered, and to live with greater Joy & Purpose.
Things that made me happy, and will serve as simple reminders to reflect the Joys in your own life.
Motivational thoughts and quotes that made me think, along with encouraging words to go with those thoughts.
Happiness tips.

I’m excited and cannot wait to provide you some of the best daily bit-sized motivational content possible. I can hardly contain myself.

Reminders?

The competition is stiff. Since I had a late start (like really late start – 12 days behind others), I will need all the help I can gather. I cannot do this without you. Are you with me? Can you help me?

If so, can you help me with votes once a day? (Bookmark the link) And if you can share this with your network – family, friends, co-workers, facebook, twitter, etc. I will LOVE you for it (I will love you anyway, but I will be most appreciative for whatever you are willing to provide to help me win this).

The leading applicant has over 4000 votes. My goal is 3000 votes to move into top 20.

If you want to be part of the Happiness Team and want to be reminded to vote daily, you can do the following:

Signup for the TSN Happiness Team mailing list. I will email daily with a simple reminder, along with a thought that made me happy that day. (Important: click on the confirmation link in signup email to start receiving emails from me)
Follow TSN on facebook – Daily motivational quotes and happiness links around around the web posted here.

Thank you for making my dream possible, and for helping me to get one step closer to realizing my life purpose. I couldn’t do this without you.

Much love to you,
–Tina

If you want to help us, please share this on twitter, and facebook. Thank you for your support.

Video Ideas?

Shoot me an email at tina [at] thinksimplenow.com if you have video ideas for a 90 second (possibly viral) video that demonstrate why I would be a good fit as the Good Mood blogger, or if you have experience with video editing. I know literally nothing about video, and am diving in head-first to learn.

This is what I love about life: Constant learning and exposure to new experiences.

And this is what I love about Blogging: Connecting with you, and feeling undeniably human.

[Start voting]

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New Beginning

Tina Su — Tue, 04 May 2010 17:16:34 +0000

Photo by Kevin Russ

By Tina Su

For the past 8 months, I have been silently battling with, and drifting in and out of a state of depression. Perhaps it was the changing hormones in my prenatal and postnatal body, or perhaps it was life’s way of teaching me something new.

It has been a very painful process, but when I observe this period of my life from other perspectives, I realized that I am learning and relearning some of the most incredible lessons, through which I am able to recognize and change some old and very ridged behavior patterns and limiting beliefs.

This is a quick post to let you know that I am still alive, and that I am going through a tremendous period of healing, and that I am thinking about and writing the next full-fletched Think Simple Now style article, for you.

Last night, Ryan slept through the night for the first time since he was born, and I got 5-6 hours of continuous sleep, and I feel – for the first time in five months – like a human being again.

So hang in there, I am feeling better everyday, and I will be back very soon. Until then, here’s something that’s helped me in my own healing:

“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect whole, and complete, and yet life is ever changing. There is no beginning and no end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experiences. Life is never stuck or static or stale for each moment is ever new and fresh. I am one with the very Power that created me, and this Power has given me the power to create my own circumstances. I rejoice in the knowledge that I have the power of my own mind to use in any way I choose. Every moment of life is a new beginning point as we move from the old. This moment is a new point of beginning for me right here and right now. All is well in my world.”

~ Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life)

Update:

Here’s the follow up article: How I Stopped Feeling Depressed

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We Have a Baby Boy!

Tina Su — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:23:50 +0000

Ryan, one day old.

By Tina Su

After spending 4 weeks on hospital bed rest, at week 32 of my pregnancy, I was sent home – after the doctors were confident that I wouldn’t deliver within the next few weeks. One day later, while resting peacefully at home, I went into labor. A few short hours later, I gave birth to baby Ryan (photos here).

On Dec 20^th, at 7:07am, Ryan Ananda Sawatzky – weighing 4 lbs, 4 oz and measuring 18 inches long – popped out of me like a football, after 6 short hours of contractions, 22 minutes of pushing and about 12 pushes in total.

The whole thing happened so quickly, and relatively painlessly. I was focused on being relaxed, and put all my awareness on my breath. I remained calm through out, and while Jeremy shouted “Holy S*&#!” as Ryan came out, I remarked calmly, and with a monotone voice, “That was easy”; we captured it all on video.

You know when you see mothers give birth on TV, you always see the mother crying as she holds her baby for the first time. I wasn’t sure whether I would cry or not. I didn’t want to fall into the cliché, yet, I wasn’t sure if that was a pre-requisite for good mothers.

When they wrapped him up tightly like a burrito in a soft blanket and placed his little body into my arms, I looked down, and saw just his tiny round face exposed, already fast asleep.

I marveled at how complete he was, how serene he looked, how cute his cheeks were, and how much his button nose resembled my own. It was like looking at my own face. I started marveling at the miracle that my body could produce something so perfect and complete. Then I started laughing, and then without any conscious effort, I burst into tears.

Here’s a video of baby Ryan at one day old with his expressive little face

(more videos here):

Motherhood

Since baby Ryan was born two months earlier than his expected due date, he was taken to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) right after the delivery. Those four weeks of bed rest paid off, when we learned that Ryan didn’t need a respirator or any medication. He was just early, and needed to learn all the basic skills that full term babies have, such as maintaining his own temperature, breathing without holding his breath, and take all his feedings through the mouth without a feeding tube.

Napping time with mommy. Ryan, 11 days old.

He has since been moved out of NICU and into the hospital nursery, and recently graduated out of his incubator (used to maintain his body temperature) into a newborn crib – which looks like a clear plastic box.

We visit him everyday, and while Jeremy is at work, I spend 10 hours each day beside his little clear box. I get to change his poo-poo diapers, take his temperature, and hold his tiny body closely to mine – skin to skin.

In between feedings and diaper care, we take naps together, as I lay on a large recliner sofa, with his body morphed onto my chest. Sometimes, his little fingers will wrap tightly around my forefinger. Sometimes he will be holding his little toes. And sometimes, he will rest his fingers softly over his own cheeks.

I love his smell. I love his sweet little face. I love his tiny feet. I love his breathing sound. I love the softness of his skin. I love feeling the small bumps of his spine as I run my fingers gently along his delicate back.

This is the happiest I have ever been.

Looking into his expressive and innocent face, the enormity of how I feel surmounts anything I could ever fully express in words. Time stops, and I can feel my own heart gravitate towards his, as if he is an extension of me. For him, I would give up anything. For his life, I would give up my own. “Ah, is this what unconditional love feels like?”

I had not anticipated feeling this way. It is the most incredible feeling and I could not have prepared for it.

My friend Helaina summed it up perfectly, “There are no words to adequately describe a mothers [or fathers] love and no way to understand it until you experience it. It is simply a miracle”

Finally, I can begin to understand how my own mother feels towards me, and what it means to her when she says I love you. It is, no ordinary love, after all. I get it now – she loves me unconditionally.

Fatherhood

Seeing Jeremy become a father is one of the most precious and beautiful experiences I’ve ever witnessed.

Cuddling with daddy. Ryan, 5 days old.

I love watching his large body hovered over Ryan’s little box, as he meticulously changes his little diapers with utmost care. His big fingers gently maneuvering around tiny moving legs that try to get in the way. Sometimes, Ryan will pee as Jeremy is in the middle of changing his diaper, and daddy will patiently clean him off with a smile and some teasing words.

Some nights, when daddy can’t sleep, he will drive to the hospital at midnight, so he can get another chance to change his little diaper, to hold his little boy as he sleeps on daddy’s warm chest, and to wrap him up like a burrito before putting him back into his crib.

And during the first few days when I first started to express small amounts of milk. Daddy would excitedly drive to the hospital late at night, so his little boy could have more fresh milk to replace his formula.

Daddy loves his little boy. And that love too is unconditional.

Adjusting to Adulthood (Parenthood)

Ever since I moved out of my mother’s house, part of me has always felt that I was a little kid playing the role of an adult. And I think the day Jeremy and I both became adults was the day when Ryan was born.

We used to think that once we had children, our (social) life would be over; we wouldn’t be able to travel, or be able to sleep through a whole night, or simply pack up and move. But now that we have baby Ryan, our whole perspective has changed. The benefits of the parenting experience far out weigh the tradeoffs. There isn’t anything else we’d rather be doing.

We love the experience so much that we just want to make more babies. Our old dream of traveling to exotic destinations, has been – unexpectedly and willingly – replaced with the desire to get a house with a big yard where our children can run around with the puppies on a sunny day.

Light therapy to treat Jaundice. Ryan, 3 days old.

Aside from the parts we love, the need to breast-pump every 2 to 3 hours for 20 minutes was a new responsibility we did not anticipate. My day and night now revolves around pumping, and the washing of the pumping parts. Not only is it painful, it kind of takes over your life. As a result, I’m tired all the time, and have learned to sleep everywhere I go. Jeremy got a box of earplugs, so he could try to sleep throughout the night, despite the alarm going off every 3 hours.

I really don’t know how working mothers do it.

For the most part, if I’m not at the hospital holding Ryan, I’m either breast pumping, eating or sleeping. Everything else, including housework and ‘work’ has taken a back seat.

Adjusting to the new responsibilities has been challenging, but I’m learning – slowly – to inject breathing room into the equation as time passes. For the first time in six weeks, this past weekend, I changed out of pajama bottoms and went out for dinner (I wore black leggings, because other than my one pair of maternity jeans, it’s the only thing that fits.). Now my idea of leisure is a quick trip to Target [store] to shop for nursing bras, with Jeremy timing me, so I don’t miss a pump and end up hurting myself.

Parting Words

2009 has been a crazy eventful year for me, and hopefully, after Ryan comes home and I get better at balancing my time, I will get to write about what I’ve learned. Until then, I will be on semi “maternity leave” from Think Simple Now.

If you have sent me an email over the past few weeks and wondered where I am, I hope this post answers that question.

If you’re curious, photos of baby Ryan can be seen on facebook, future photos will also be posted there. Feel free to add me for photo updates. Videos can be seen on youtube.

Daily cuddles with mommy. Ryan, 13 days old.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with us. Thank you for your prayers and positive intentions. Thank you for those who sent us baby things – they will be put to good use. Thank you for your understanding and continuous support for this site – despite the lack of new posts – as I transition into a fulltime mommy.

* Got baby tips? We could use them. Share your thoughts with us in the comment section. See you there.

If you enjoyed the article, please join TSN on facebook (add Tina on facebook) or follow us on Twitter.

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I have used both the Medela swing breast pump and a rentalMedela symphony breast pump

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Feeling Lonely + Baby Updates

Tina Su — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:22:04 +0000

Photo by Vadim Pacev

By Tina Su

Two weeks ago, I wrote about optimism when things don’t go our way. Well, this week, I could have used some of that optimism. I think the honeymoon period of living in a hospital is over.

So, I’ve been at the hospital for a little over 3 weeks, on bed rest. It’s been two weeks since Jeremy returned to work, so I spend most days alone on my fancy multi-adjustable hospital bed, with 7 pillows, a laptop and the TV remote.

In the beginning, I thought I was at the Ritz hotel. Nurses remind me of when I should take my pills, I get to hear my baby’s heart beat twice a day, my contractions are being monitored regularly, there’s daily house-keeping and an array of food choices at the push of a button – just like room service, except, it’s free and no tipping.

Then, I found out a week ago that I had Gestational Diabetes (GD) – a common but temporary symptom for 16% of pregnant women during the third trimester (28 weeks until delivery). Which means I’m on food restrictions.

The nurse of the day happily walked in and handed me a new menu – it says “Diabetes Diet Menu“. Because I don’t eat meat or eggs, my choices became further limited.

I was frustrated. I felt sad.

On top of wanting to eat all the time, I was also getting lots of cravings for sweets. But gone are the days when I could gulp down a tub of ice cream. I checked, and chocolate cake is not on the diabetes menu. I now have to count my carbohydrate intake, and have my finger pricked two hours after every meal to monitor my blood sugar level.

Pre-GD, my breakfast added up to 110 grams of carbohydrate, which consisted of: oatmeal, two orders of fresh fruit, one slice of wheat toast, and a glass of steamed soy milk.

My new diet restriction allows me no more than 30 grams of carbohydrates. When I saw that the small bowl of oatmeal alone is 30 grams, I wanted to cry. I didn’t want to be hungry.

If you’ve never been pregnant or been around someone who was, the frequent hunger pangs feel as if you haven’t eaten for days. Usually, food at the hospital takes around 45 minutes between ordering and delivery. By the time the food shows up, I’m so hungry that it feels as if I could swallow the whole tray without chewing.

On top of being hungry all the time, I was also eating more. In Mexico, I was consuming more food than the 210 pound Jeremy, who watched in amazement and curiosity as my once 105 pound body (now 129 pounds at 31 weeks) took in more food than himself.

I know myself, and feeling hungry makes me cranky and unreasonably irritable. So now, my day revolves around carefully timing the ordering and consuming of my meals and mandatory in-between-meal snack.

I eat every two hours, and every meal-snack has to include a protein source. After the baby’s born, I don’t think I will be able to even look at Tofu or cottage cheese ever again.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009 at 7pm

After being curled up in a ball from contraction cramps, I was drifting in and out of sleep. Then I looked up at the clock, it said 7pm. I realized that my medicine (to stop contractions) was an hour late, so I called the nurse to remind her. I eventually got my dose of Nifedipine. This made me feel agitated. I felt the urge to blame the pain on her.

I felt really hungry and ordered dinner. Half an hour later, my food came – covered to keep warm.

Eager to eat, I adjusted my bed to a near sitting position – propped up by three pillows on my back – tucked a napkin under my chin, and was about to gorge myself. I uncovered the plates and saw that they had screwed my order up, again. But, I was so hungry that I started eating anyway.

As I was chewing my first bite, I felt sad, then thoughts of all the unfair things that happened this year came rushing at me all at once, I felt that everything was going wrong, I wanted to re-order the food, but I didn’t want to wait another 45 minutes. With my abdominals still hurting, I felt like a victim, and before I knew it, large tears started rolling down my cheeks. The tears quickly became sobs, and I couldn’t stop. It felt good to let it out.

But right then and there, sitting in front of a hospital tray, holding a fork and crying, I realized that I was lonely.

Continues …

Just then, Jeremy came in, did his usual joke behind the hospital curtains imitating a particular softly spoken nurse, and peaked his face out from behind the curtains. His beautifully happy face quickly changed to that of sadness when he saw me – hair in a messy bun, sitting there crying like a toddler, in front of a tray of food.

His eyes turned pink, he quickly moved the hospital table away from me, shifted me over on the hospital bed, climbed in and held me. I felt like a baby being calmed by her mother. At the touch of someone who loved me, I felt safe, I felt understood, and I calmed down.

Jeremy said, “This Friday, we’re still gonna have our [pre-bed rest] date night, I’ll get take out from our favorite Indian restaurant, I’ll take you on a wheel chair ride, and I’ll get you a flower from Trader Joes [grocery store], and you can hold the flower on your wheel chair ride.” I began to cry again, but this time, happy tears, tears from feeling an enormous wave of love for this man, and grateful for all that I have.

My OB doctor once said that being pregnant is like going through puberty again. The hormonal changes can make you emotional, and crying is common. So that’s what I used as an excuse.

A Loner’s View

In college, people used to call me a hermit, because I didn’t go to parties, or spent a lot of time chit chatting with people. I actually preferred being at the library focusing my energy on school and getting good grades.

As an adult, I focused on being efficient with my time, and enjoyed being on my own. I liked having a door in my office, and it was always closed. I wasn’t exactly a “team player”, but I played the part when I needed to be.

If you met me in person, you wouldn’t think I was an introvert. I can be very interactive and animated when I speak, and can carry on conversations without awkwardness. But if I could choose, I would prefer not to speak, period. If I had to categorize, I wouldn’t say I’m an introvert either. I just don’t like to mingle, it feels like a waste of time, and sometimes very artificial. I realized that most things people talk about in social settings aren’t very interesting or relative, and are really spoken to fill the awkward spaces that we associate with silence.

Before I landed in the hospital, I spent most of my days alone, without much interaction with people. I worked from home, I rarely talked on the phone, and I avoided face-to-face meetings – sometimes even with close friends.

Since I’m a natural loner, I didn’t think being at the hospital on my own would be a problem… until that day, sitting in front of a tray of food, holding a fork, crying my eyes out. For the first time, in a long time, I suddenly felt alone.

The feeling didn’t last very long, but enough to make me want to understand what was causing me to feel that way.

At the hospital, most things I did were done lying down. As such, regardless of what I’m doing, it makes me very sleepy; I haven’t read much, simply because that’s the fastest way to put myself to sleep. So, I’ve been napping a lot, and distracting my mind with playing minesweeper on the computer, and checking craig’s list for baby stuff.

The other day, while I was on my tenth consecutive game of minesweeper, I suddenly felt embarrassed. The thought of “What would people think of me, if they found out this is how I spent my time?” kept flashing in my mind.

Aside from the hospital routines of medication six times a day and being put on the baby monitor twice a day, my day pretty much consists of eating, planning the next meal – every two hours, playing minesweeper, napping, watching educational pregnancy videos, and periodically flipping on CNN to see if there are any more development on the white house party crashers, or the number of Tiger Woods mistresses.

I felt pathetic. I felt guilty for not getting any work done. I felt uncomfortably unproductive. I felt regret for not having better spent my time on something more meaningful.

The thing with our mind is that once we start on a self-defeating thought, a string of similar thoughts follows, until you – the master of your mind – consciously decide to snip it off.

In the end, I realized that just because I am alone, it does not mean that I needed to feel lonely. And the idea of loneliness was the cumulative result of what I was thinking, and how I perceived my surroundings.

It’s amazing what a simple shift in perspective can do.

What I Learned About Loneliness?

Photo by Anna Kieblesz

I believe that loneliness is like many other emotional experiences, it is a product of what we choose to focus on and how we craft our perspective based on our external circumstances.

Beyond the initial emotion that comes with a change – such as hurt, or sadness – I believe that any prolonged emotion that lingers on continuously after the event is something that we have unconsciously chosen, without realizing it.

Here’s what I’ve observed and learned:

1. Repeated Suggestion

Every few days, someone would come in and ask if I felt depressed, bored or lonely. I would then be passed a telephone hot-line number if I needed help, and web URLs to find pen-pals – so we could complain about our sad situations together – no thanks!

Even today, the doctor shouted, “Have a boring day!” as he left my room. I think he meant to say, “Have an uneventful and relaxing day without going into labor.” But none-the-less, the word boring, after repeated repetition, has been subtly ingrained in my head.

Apparently, many people on bed rest have a hard time. There’s even a support group at the hospital for pregnant women on bed rest, and someone will pop in my room to ask if I need to go.

I was feeling great during my first week, but after repeated suggestions by nurses, social workers and doctors, I started to subtly and unconsciousness question myself, “should I feel bored?“, “Am I lonely?” When I was feeling down, my brain took the opportunity to insert, “I’m lonely” into my focus, even though, that wasn’t the real cause.

2. Aloneness is Not Loneliness

Feeling lonely is a state of mind that is independent from whether or not we are actually physically alone. One could feel lonely even when surrounded by people.

Often, we think that by finding a romantic partner or having lots of friends, we will no longer feel alone. So, we go on this goose chase for relationships or friends, in the hopes of feeling complete.

Once we find love or friendship, we may feel great temporarily, but in time, we would discover that something is still missing. This is why people still fall into depression even though they are in loving relationships.

You see, the problem isn’t outside of us. It is within us. Only when we can feel whole and complete on our own, can we bring that into our relationships.

3. What We Focus On Expands

Just like repeated suggestions by other people, repeating the same phrases or types of thoughts to our selves can convince us that we are in fact having that experience.

If we repeatedly tell ourselves that “I’m lonely”, soon we’ll start looking for and collecting ‘evidence’ that we are lonely. The evidence becomes ‘proof’ that further reinforces our belief. Before we know it, we’ll be convinced that we are in fact lonely.

The same is true for any phrase we repeat, if you believe and continuously tell yourself that you’re the luckiest person alive, you’ll start looking for evidence of auspicious events that occur to you. It is for this reason that I cringe whenever I see TV commercials for depression medicine – they actually encourage people to go into depression.

4. Choices

Whenever I feel lonely, I know that there are people who I could talk to, or techniques to shift out of this state, but I refuse to turn to them. In that moment, I feel the pain, but I also allow it to linger on, by choice. I do this, to reinforce my victim mentality, and this gets me the attention that I feel I need. This whole mental process, of course, happens quickly and unconscious when we are not in present moment awareness.

Next time you are starting to feel lonely or depressed or sad, try your best to observe your thought process. You know you have choices to get out of this state, but because you want the pain to linger just a bit longer, you choose not to use these routes to get you out.

How to Snap Out of Loneliness?

The following are techniques that I’ve found helpful:

Realize Your Power – In the moments of despair, recognize that that you have choices, and you hold the power to choose what you focus on. You can choose to focus on thoughts that bring you down, keeps you in a low mood, or you can choose to focus on away from self-destructive thoughts. Take responsibility for yourself.
Find Help – Talk to someone even if you don’t feel like it. Be open and authentic with your feelings and thoughts. If you have the choice, find someone who’s a good listener. It really is helpful to let it out and verbalize your frustrations to another person.
Change your Physical Position – When ever you’re having an emotional experience that isn’t pleasant, remember to quickly change your physical position. If you’re sitting down and slouching, jump up from your seat and do some stretching, then walk to the kitchen to get something to drink. When you feel the feelings of loneliness emerging, stop what you’re doing and shift into doing something else that puts you in a physically different position. For example, while on bed rest, I would get up and take a quick shower.
Meaningful Activities – I’ve discovered that certain activities cause me to be less conscious, and more prune to low mood. For example, if I watch more than 1-2 hours of TV, my mind will start to wander into the zone of self-destruction more easily. As such, other activities that raises my consciousness, helps me not only get out of the low mood, but also, results in me feeling more peaceful, relaxed and fulfilled. Try doing something more meaningful, something that feeds your soul, instead of distracting your attention – Reading something inspirational, meditation, go to a yoga class, writing down your thoughts and what you’ve learned, or painting. These are just ideas, but anything creative or spiritually fulfilling will lift you out of the negative spiral you were in.
Physical Touch – If you are in a relationship, ask your partner to touch you (not in a sexual way), and hold you. Gentle caressing on the hands, arms, back, and face can do wonders. Even if you’re not in a romantic partnership, you could ask a friend to touch the back of your hands, stroke your spine, and give you a big hug. Sometimes, it’s the physical connection we need.
Deep Breathing – a relaxation technique I use is this simple breathing technique. Start putting your awareness on your breath, inhaling and exhaling as slowly as possible, while keeping your eyes closed. Do this 10-20 times. Then imagine that you are inhaling and exhaling, also through the tips of your fingers, toes, and from the top of your head. Do this for at least 20 times or more. This technique will not only relax you, but also, bring you to a higher state of awareness. When you are more aware of this moment, you can make more conscious decisions, and can more clearly rationalize the situation you were in.

Parting Words

Photo by Kevin Russ

Based on past articles, people may think that I’m an extreme optimist. While, I do tend to lean towards being optimistic, I am just like everyone else. I go through ups and downs, I have bad days, and sometimes react in ways that I am not proud of.

The point of this article is to let you know that you are not alone. Our stories may be different, but at the emotional core, we are very much alike, and that there is always hope for healing regardless of what we are going through.

Regardless of where you are in the world or what you are experiencing, always remember that you are being loved deeply, and that the universal dance is choreographed such that whatever is happening to you is the best thing for you, even if you don’t recognize it, yet.

Treat every moment as a gift, even the ones that make you cry. Because in those moments, life happens, and growth happens – which will lead you into becoming a stronger version of yourself.

Now, close your eyes, and tell yourself silently, “I am whole, I am complete. I am deeply loved.” And feel the wholeness from the core of who you are, and feel the love pouring out of your big soft heart. Life is beautiful, huh?

* What are your experiences with loneliness? Share your stories and thoughts with us in the comment section below. See you there!

Personal Update

Tina at 26 weeks, compared over 6 weeks. Photo by Jeremy Sawatzky

At 31 weeks and 3 days, Ryan is measured at 4.5 pounds, and 16 inches long. He’s a very active little boy who interacts with us with his movement, when he feels pressure on my belly.

Since two weeks ago, Ryan also frequently has the hiccups. I can feel it physically, as my belly vibrates rhythmically. And if he’s hooked on the baby monitor, you can hear the tiny sounds of hiccups intertwined with the racing sound of his heart beat. Poor little thing, it must be uncomfortable… but it’s so darned cute!

Whenever I shift my lying position from one side to another, he too would shift his position. Upon feeling the turning of a little body inside me, I would touch my belly, and feel an unexplainable sense of love for this tiny person I can’t wait to meet, and gratitude for the experience of carrying a human life.

In a few days, we will be at 32 weeks (Dec 18, 2009), and we are expecting to be discharged from the hospital. After spending almost a month here – while I loved the room service – I am really looking forward to going home, and spending Christmas with Jeremy and our puppies under one roof.

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Embracing the Unexpected

Tina Su — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:04:41 +0000

Photo by Edwin Stemp

By Tina Su

What do you do when things do not go your way? While being upset seems like the most natural reaction, sometimes, you just have to let it go, accept it for what it is, do the best you can and find the gift within.

A week ago today, Jeremy and I were traveling back from a trip to Mexico – a little tropical getaway as a couple before baby Ryan is born.

During the first flight back, I experienced sharp lower abdominal cramps. After 16 hours of traveling, 4 hours of bad sleep upon returning home, and stubbornly resisting Jeremy’s persistence to go to the hospital, that is exactly where I ended up.

Turns out, I had been in preterm labor for the past 17 hours. Being a first time mother, I didn’t know what a contraction actually felt like. What I thought was simply cramps from gas and baby movement turned out to be contractions.

When the doctor checked me at 5am that eventful Monday morning, I was dilated to 2cm, contracting every 4 minutes and my cervix had thinned to 50%. My body was getting ready to deliver a baby. At the time, I was 28 weeks pregnant.

Having only found out about my pregnancy 8 weeks earlier, the thought of possibly delivering a premature baby that day was surprising and terrifying. Thus began a frightful and confusing journey over the next 48 hours.

The following is a tale of what happened in my corner of the world during those few days, and what I’ve learned.

November 23, 2009 at 6am

Suddenly, I went from having a very uneventful pregnancy (not even morning sickness) to what they medically label a high risk pregnancy.

Immediately, I was brought into a birthing suite, hooked up to a catheter and – after 5 needle pokes by 3 nurses – hooked onto an IV with Magnesium Sulfate – a muscle relaxing drug that slows down contractions, but has very pronounced side-effects, including blurred and double vision, nausea, feeling very hot and thirsty, and a weakening of all muscles. So basically, I could only see with one eye, else I’d see two of everything, and I couldn’t walk or chew properly.

About a dozen different people came in-and-out of the room, introduced themselves and asked an array of similar questions. With a spinning headache, one eye open – barely able to focus on their faces – and sweating like a monkey, I did my best to remain polite and pretended the question was asked for the first time. It was all very confusing.

For the next 48 hours, Jeremy sat next to me and watched nervously as people came in and out of the room every 2 hours for various procedures. I experienced it all in blurry and drowsy discomfort.

The worst thing about the drug was being placed on a fluid restriction while feeling extra dehydrated and dry in the mouth. I was only allowed 40ml of water per hour – they did this to avoid the serious side of effect of fluid buildup in the lungs. I would keep my eyes on the clock, making sure I didn’t miss getting water refills from the nurse. I would take small sips of water when my mouth felt extra dry, salvage as much water as possible, and in the last few minutes of the hour gulp the remaining water like a dying man lost in the desert.

The other uncomfortable thing was the catheter – a device that drains urine directly from the bladder. My body felt like it always wanted to pee, except, I couldn’t. After being on the thing for a few hours, I would have killed for the sensation of peeing the natural way, and was envious of Jeremy whenever he went in the bathroom to do “number one”.

Near the end, they reduced my dose of magnesium and I was allowed slightly more liquid in the form of a red popsicle. Oh man, the popsicle felt like heaven on my dry tongue. I could have eaten a box of those.

After 48 hours of magnesium-induced confusion, 17 needle pokes, and seeing dozens of blurry new faces with one-eye closed, my contractions were reduced and Ryan had decided to stay inside his mommy.

And then the news came that I will need to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Everyday, I am allowed to get up to use the bathroom (thank god!), take a sitting shower, 30 minutes at a time max of sitting up to eat, and a 20 minute wheel chair ride for a breath of fresh air. The rest of the time, I needed to be lying down … flat on my side.

My thought process went something like this: Okay, I’m currently at 28 weeks, and our goal is to stay pregnant until full term, meaning 37 to 40 weeks. Dude, that’s like 10 weeks of lying flat! That’s a lot of lying down!

When the Unexpected Occurs

All in all, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that you may think you know what the future will hold and you can plan down to the most minute detail, but really, when it comes down to it, nothing is for certain, and nothing is completely predictable. We, as humans like to think that we’re in control, but, we’re not. Sometimes, things just happen the way they happen, and there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. And if you resist it, that’s when pain and suffering is created.

After I sobered up from the magnesium, the first thought was “What did I do wrong?” and of course, my mind was exceptional at coming up with a list. Was I in the sun for too long? Did I not drink enough water? Was it the bath I took? Why didn’t I study the signs of preterm labor more carefully? Maybe we shouldn’t have gone to Mexico?

Ultrasound photo of Ryan at 24 weeks, 5 days.

I witnessed as little bubbles of guilt and regret started to form and rise out of my thoughts. Before they took hold of me, I saw a space between my thoughts, of choices. Yes, I had a choice! I could choose pain and guilt and regret, or I could choose to drop them and do what I can from this point forward.

Despite the strong pull towards choosing something that is painful, I gave the first choice a shove and decided to focus on what I can do from this point forward. After all, there isn’t anything we can do to change the past, to undo something, so why torture ourselves with thoughts of the unchangeable?

While lying down for 10 weeks straight isn’t what I had envisioned for the rest of my pregnancy, and being at the high risk of a premature baby isn’t the most ideal circumstance; I can only shrug, smile and say, “It is what it is.”

Realistically, and practically, I only had one choice – not only to accept, but to embrace the flow of life. Everything happens the way they happen, once and only once, and there isn’t anything anyone can do to change that. The only way we can adjust psychologically is to embrace the unexpected, and look for the good.

If you’re having a hard time embracing an unexpected or unpleasant event, try the simple exercise of writing down all the good, positive, favorable things from the circumstance. And of course, being aware of your thoughts and consciously choosing to direct the course of your thoughts towards “What can I do now?” If there isn’t anything you can do now, just sit back, relax, and allow what must happen to happen, naturally.

Here’s a list of good that came out from my own unexpected circumstance:

Upgraded doctors – The hospital automatically switched my regular family OB doctor to a Perinatologist – a specialist for pregnancy complications. My new doctor delivers babies everyday, compared to my previous doctor who delivers 2-4 babies a month.
A more relaxed pregnancy – When I was on my feet, I wasn’t doing my best to rest, I was running around for errands, doing housework, and being distracted by random things. Now, I have the opportunity to truly relax, slowdown, rest and do more of the things I wasn’t doing, which will actually be better for my pregnancy. I now only focus on rest, eating and relaxing (since I’m no longer mobile).
I’m still pregnant – If Jeremy had not dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night to take me to the hospital that day, it would have been too late and I would have delivered a premature baby at 28 weeks. So, I’m thankful that Ryan is still camping out inside me.
Outstanding hospital – turns out this hospital is the best place for pregnancy complications in the North-West region of the country, where women with special cases are sent from neighboring areas. And we just happen to live 8 blocks away from it.
Outstanding care – I’m loving it here at the hospital. Not only are my baby and my contractions being monitored regularly, there’s always a nurse taking care of my needs, and food shows up at the push of a button. Not needing to cook, and having my dietary cravings and needs fulfilled has definitely been a pleasant perk.
More chances to see Ryan – Because of the situation, we’re getting a lot more ultrasounds done for various checkups. For regular pregnancies, from this point, there would be no more ultrasounds done, and we get to have one done every week. This gives us more opportunities to see Ryan in action, and seeing him getting bigger and moving around is such a miraculous sight.

Other Lessons

I learned several unexpected lessons through this experience that somehow ties back to gratitude. They may seem trivial to some, but once we no longer have them, you start to realize how important they actually are. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

Appreciate my Legs – When we were coming back from Mexico, the pain felt so severe that I wasn’t able to stand-up on my own, so Jeremy got a wheelchair at the airport layover, and also helped me when I needed to use the bathroom. I never actually realized or appreciated my freedom to move around without help until that day. We had to go an extra distance to find a working elevator to get on the terminal transport, and at some terminals, family-bathrooms didn’t exist, and we had to jump through extra loops to find one so I could pee. If you have freedom of mobility right now, take a moment to give gratitude to your legs, or tools for walking.
Appreciate the Ability to Drink and the Availability of Clean Water – I know this may sound odd, but during those 48 hours of dying thirst and limited water intake, I learned to appreciate the simple but vital act of drinking a glass of water. Take a moment, get a cool glass of water, and drink it with all your attention and awareness. Feel the coolness of the water entering your tongue, rolling down your throat, and quenching your thirst. Appreciate it, appreciate that you have access to clean water, and are allowed to drink as much as you like.
Appreciate the Ability to Urinate – I hope this doesn’t offend you, and I know it sounds funny, but it’s an important one. During the first 36 hours on Magnesium, I didn’t have the freedom to pee on my own. I was hooked up to a device that drained urine from my bladder, and the foreign device in my bladder was causing my body to feel as if I wanted to pee constantly, but couldn’t. All I wanted to do was to go to the bathroom and feel the sensation of being able to pee on my own. Next time you’re in the “loo“, fully enjoy it, and give a whisper of thanks that you have this ability, because not everyone in the world does.
Appreciate the Ability to Chew – During the 48 hours, I didn’t realize my ability to chew properly would be inhibited until Jeremy put a slice of cucumber in my mouth. I bit down using the normal pressure that I’d used for a cucumber, and when I lifted my teeth expecting a bite, the thing remained solid. It made us laugh, but it was also a little sad that I couldn’t eat raw vegetables (including lettuce), or anything that isn’t very soft. Once the medication wore off, the first meal I had was so satisfying that I couldn’t stop thanking my mouth for its ability to chew.
Appreciate my Mobility - I’m now in a position where I depend on other people, and cannot freely move around like before. It’s brought a whole new perspective to my life. If you have the freedom of mobility and function independently, take a moment to give thanks for your freedom. Give thanks that you can freely walk around outside right now.

The above are just five particular bodily functions that I experienced during this time, but aside from that, every part of our body plays such a vital role for our survival and comforts. And once they’re gone, that’s when we typically recognize them and appreciate them.

Take a moment before you go to bed tonight, close your eyes and take a few deep breathes, then go through every part of your body, starting from your toes and move up to the hair on your head, imagine each part and give thanks to it with a loving and friendly attitude. I bet you’ll not only sleep better, but your body will respond to your gratitude in miraculous ways.

Parting Words

Life is filled with the constant flow of ups and downs, and what separates you from the next person is your chosen response to the external. You can allow it to bother you and chisel away at your wellbeing, or you can accept the “bad”, look for the “good” and embrace it for what it is. After all, it has already happened, and no amount of self-torture will change the past.

The only true choice we have on our journey through life is to face what’s immediately in front of us, handle it to the best of our present abilities, and move on to our future from the anchoring point of “what can I do now?”

And if you do get frustrated with yourself for failing to do the above, remember that it’s o-kay, you’re only human after all. It’s never too late to redirect the sail of your focus, and start from whatever emotional state you’re in.

Things, circumstances, and people come and go, and the only thing that remains constant is YOU, witnessing it all from the present moment.

** What personal challenges are you faced with right now? What are some things that you’ve learned thus far through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section, below.

Personal Update

Tina & Jeremy renewing wedding vows, Mexico, November, 2009. (Week 27)

I’m still having contractions, though they are in the safe range of 1-4 an hour. The doctors will keep me in the hospital on bed rest until 32 weeks, at which point I will likely be sent home to continue the bed rest.

We’re really thankful they are keeping me here longer. We feel that it’s the best place for bed rest patients, especially with all the extra help and monitoring equipment.

Our ultimate goal is to make it to full term. Our immediate goal is to get to 30 weeks (Friday Dec 4th), then week 32, then week 35, and finally past week 37.

If you can, we would really appreciate it if you can take a minute right now to send a positive intention for us, for Ryan to make it till full term. Thank you!!

According to the hospital tests, Ryan is healthy and happy baby. He is also very active, sometimes, I feel like he’s doing karate in my tummy. When you tap my belly lightly above the area of where he’s parked, he will tap back, and it’s visible. It’s really adorable.

So, the hospital will be our home for the next few weeks. Jeremy sleeps on a foldaway cot next to my fancy hospital-multi-adjustable-bed, where I spend my days tucked away between seven pillows. The room itself is large for hospital standards, with two comfy recliners, an attached bathroom, and a view of Elliott Bay and downtown Seattle. I’m a happy gal.

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The Ups and Downs of Life + Personal News

Tina Su — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:19:42 +0000

Photo by Vadim Pacev

By Tina Su

Coming back from India, I was floating on a cloud of utter joy, blissfully unaware of the personal challenges and surprises that were about to hit me in the coming month.

While I had fantasized over the telling of what has happened over the past month, it quickly became obvious that the toughest part of my job is the potential of disclosing too much about my personal life, thus invading the privacy of those closes to me. Despite the juiciness of the story, I’ve decided to leave most of the details private.

I contemplated on why I wanted to write about it, and it became clear to me that the essence of the story is that we are forever riding the ups and downs of life, and that sometimes when the downs get really down, we lose touch with reality. In those moments, all we need is hope and a gentle nudge to remind us that it is only temporary, and that the highs are not far away.

My Personal Low

For the first few weeks after coming home from India, Jeremy and I were having some relationship problems caused by miscommunication and misunderstanding, amplified by the length of time that I was away.

Suddenly, my future became uncertain, and everything I had conjured up in my head of rainbows and sunshine had come crashing down. I felt like I was falling into a hole of darkness that I couldn’t crawl out of. I was confronted with loneliness, resentment and my own victim identity. It was a painful period for both of us.

We separated for two weeks and the uncertainty was killing me. I was bouncing up and down emotionally between feeling unconditional love, and seeing the dangerous shadows of depression peeking out from around the corner.

During this time, I observed as my mind wandered: images of self-pity, focusing on past negative events, clinging on to fantasies of an unhappy future, and seeking out more pain. It was cycle of self-destruction, unless I consciously intercepted it with the light of awareness. It was both disturbing and fascinating to witness.

Bringing In the Light

“…With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves,
and your true power emerges – the power of presence.
Instead of blaming the darkness you bring in the light.“
~ Ekhart Tolle, from A New Earth

In guiding me with a torch of bright shining light, my parents spent hours on the phone with me. One thing that made a lasting impression on me was what my dad kept repeating, “Ta-tha-ta” – something Buddha used to say, meaning “It is what it is.”, “If it isn’t this, it’ll be something else.”

He was right. I was reminded of the drama I went through a year ago, and it was clear that if not this problem, then there would have been some other problem in its place.

That’s what part of living is about – we are forever and consistently being presented with situations that challenge us, make us grow, teach us divine lessons about life, and make us into more conscious beings. Without challenges, life would be pretty dull, and we would never grow to become better people.

I was also reminded that there isn’t a challenge that we cannot surmount; otherwise it would not have presented itself to us. Even though challenges may appear impossible to conquer at times, trust that it is possible and that it wouldn’t be called a challenge if wasn’t challenging to us.

My friend Elizabeth Carman reminded me in an email that “everything is auspicious”, and indeed, it’s hard to realize this when we are going through the ups and downs, but after some time, in retrospect, “we can see how even the downs were times of positivity and spiritual transformation.”

And so, everyday, whenever I found my mind wondering, I would remind myself of two phrases, “Ta-tha-ta, it is what it is.”, and “Everything is auspicious. This too is auspicious, because it happened.”

Everyday, I focused on the good, I wrote in my journal often of what I learned, I focused on the blessings, I focused on the heart space of unconditional love, I focused on the now instead of an unknown future or past memories that no longer exist. I focused on forgiveness, understanding and healing. Eventually, I surrendered to that which I cannot control.

Here’s a blurb from my journal:

“… As for the future, I surrender to the higher intelligence of Life and trust with absolute clarity that only the best things are provided for me, that I am always cared for regardless of how things may appear now. I accept the now, by accepting the outer world for what it is, and taking responsibilities of my inner world.” (September 12, 2009)

When I finally surrendered, I stopped torturing myself.

A few days later, we peacefully got back together, and focused on nurturing the love and connection we had. It was beautiful.

My Personal High

As if reconnecting with the mate-to-my-soul wasn’t auspicious enough, shortly after we got back together as a closer union, we got the news that I was pregnant, very pregnant, specifically 5 months pregnant with a baby boy!

Within a span of 12 hours, we went from a space void of any thoughts of babies, to finding out that I was 5 months pregnant, to hearing his little heart beat in the morning, to seeing his heart beating in the afternoon at the ultrasound.

At the ultrasound, we witnessed with great amazement the miracle of another life blissfully resting inside me, quietly reminding us that life is beautiful, and while the down times may be inevitable, the ups are just around the corner.

The ultrasound technician patiently explained each body part to us as she gently maneuvered down the baby’s tiny body. I watched the monitor with mouth open, and eyes sparkling at the sight of any movement. Like seeing his complete set of fingers and toes, or seeing the little oval space that is his stomach. Jeremy held my left hand tightly and couldn’t stop shaking, I looked over at him, and his face was covered in tears.

How in the world did we not know for so long is still the subject of jokes to close friends. Turns out, I was pregnant prior to India, and there was a baby growing in me through out my 3-months of spiritual transformation at the ashram. I did not have any pregnancy sickness, and even had what I thought was a menstrual period while in India (I later learned that this happens to 22% of pregnant women – called spotting).

September 23, 2009 – Week 20 ultrasound

I thought I had put on a little weight because the food at the ashram was so good. While everyone else lost weight, I had gained a few pounds… ah! It all makes sense now! It wasn’t until after I’ve returned to my pre-India diet for a few weeks, that we noticed that only my stomach and boobs had gotten larger while the rest of me remained the same size. That was when we started suspecting.

On the bright side of things, at least we bypassed 5 months of pregnancy-related stress, and only have 4 months to go. We’re so under prepared that we don’t have time to stress, it’s just excitement and doing the necessary to best prepare. We’ve gotten over the initial shock of it all, Jeremy is no longer adamant about getting a large SUV to keep us safe, and after two weeks of reckless house shopping we decided to put house buying on hold until after the baby is born.

Ryan Ananda Sawatzky is expected to be born Feb 12, 2010; exactly one year to the date of our wedding in Kauai. Ananda means blissful in Sanskrit, and that describes him perfectly – a blissful baby.

(Side note: If you have any baby stuff that your child has outgrown, we’d love it if you would send it our way. Any used baby clothing, equipment or other necessities will be much appreciated by Ryan, Jeremy and I.)

What Did I Learn?

Photo by Edwin Stemp

An article isn’t complete without the lessons learned. The following is a selected set of lessons I’ve learned through my experience in the past six weeks:

Fluidity of Life – Life is always fluid. The unexpected and even unimaginable can and does happen at anytime. And all things, scenarios, events can shift their course at any time: from bad to good, from good to bad. There is no good or bad, there just is. Surrendering to whatever that happens, without placing unnecessary importance or investing excessive emotions holds the key to lasting happiness. At any moment, we have the choice to choose bliss, to see the light. Surrender to rigid thinking and choose to live a conflict free life.
Our Need to Blame – Blaming leads to nowhere, except temporary fulfillment for the ego. Yet, the ego does not stay fulfilled and will seek out more and more pain. Any kind of blaming thoughts, words, or accusations are ego-filling, unproductive and lead to our own suffering, even if they are “reasonably” justified.
Unconscious Actions – When we are in an unconscious state of mind (high TPS – thoughts per second), the survival instinct in our brain tells us to take unconscious actions with great urgency and conviction. These actions when taken, always lead to more unconsciousness and are rarely helpful.
The Mind’s Reality – Our mind always makes unknown situations worse than they actually are. Its goal is to dwell on pain and problems. Often when we find out the truth, we feel instantly relieved that the “reality” of events wasn’t as bad as what we had imagined.
Building Intensity – All my frustration and inner suffering really has a purpose and benefit: they build the intensity in me that further encourages me to break free from the inner conflicts, and to rise out a more conscious being established in Joy.
The Pain Body – When a person is established and reacts out of their pain body, they are no longer themselves, and we should not measure or judge their character based on when they are in this state. Recognize when they are in their pain body and detach from any painful feelings it may trigger in you. The pain body feeds on pain – its own pain and on other people’s pain. Whenever hurtful words are uttered and actions are taken, identify where they are coming from; likely, they will be coming from the pain body.
Seek to Understand, Drop Self Pity – When others behave in ways that you are not happy with, drop the self-pity story, bring in compassion, and try to understand why they are behaving in certain ways toward you. There is always a reason. Often times, we’re so wrapped up in defending ourselves and making our own side be understood that we fail to truly see things from other people’s perspective, and we miss the chance to heal others and ourselves.
Everything is Auspicious – No matter how bad things seem there is always a reason that contributes positively towards us. There always exists an incredible gift in any “bad” situation, trust that you are always being taken care of by the protective arms of Existence.

Parting Words

When things get low, do all that you can to come back to your center, and remember that you are a luminous and empowered being. You have the power and choice to bring the light into any situation that may appear dark.

No matter how unfair a situation may present itself, remaining in self-pity, blame and resentment will only hurt ourselves, and draws us deeper into that darkness. In fact, we only have two choices – to remain in darkness or to bring in the light. You have the choice to prolong the suffering, or to end it and move on.

Regardless of what is happening, the ups and downs of life will continue to prevail. And resisting to the down times will only delay the coming of the up times. Next time you hit a down time, remember that it is only temporary, focus on what can be learned, trust that it is the best thing that could happen to you right now, and know with certainty that the up time is just around the corner.

* Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below. See you there!

Editor’s Note: For those curious, the following is what I look like now (Jeremy’s been diligently documenting my weekly progress every sunday). Future progress photos will likely be posted on Simply Tina – Subscribe here for updates. Again, if you have any used baby things you no longer need, it’ll help us if you can donate, sell or lend to us. Mailing address is: Attn: Sawatzky, 2646 Rainier Ave. South, Seattle, WA 98144.

Photo by Jeremy Sawatzky

If you enjoyed the article, please join TSN on facebook (add Tina here) or follow us on Twitter. And we’d love it if you can share this article on twitter, thumb it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. Thank you for your support. :)

Other Articles You May Like:

External Resources:

Video: What I watch when I am down
Book: Living Enlightenment (Condensed version here)
Book: The Power of Now

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