New Beginning

For the past 8 months, I have been silently battling with, and drifting in and out of a state of depression. Perhaps it was the changing hormones in my prenatal and postnatal body, or perhaps it was life’s way of teaching me something new.

It has been a very painful process, but when I observe this period of my life from other perspectives, I realized that I am learning and relearning some of the most incredible lessons, through which I am able to recognize and change some old and very ridged behavior patterns and limiting beliefs.

This is a quick post to let you know that I am still alive, and that I am going through a tremendous period of healing, and that I am thinking about and writing the next full-fletched Think Simple Now style article, for you.

Last night, Ryan slept through the night for the first time since he was born, and I got 5-6 hours of continuous sleep, and I feel – for the first time in five months – like a human being again.

So hang in there, I am feeling better everyday, and I will be back very soon. Until then, here’s something that’s helped me in my own healing:

“In the infinity of life where I am, all is perfect whole, and complete, and yet life is ever changing. There is no beginning and no end, only a constant cycling and recycling of substance and experiences. Life is never stuck or static or stale for each moment is ever new and fresh. I am one with the very Power that created me, and this Power has given me the power to create my own circumstances. I rejoice in the knowledge that I have the power of my own mind to use in any way I choose. Every moment of life is a new beginning point as we move from the old. This moment is a new point of beginning for me right here and right now. All is well in my world.”

~ Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life)

Update:

Here’s the follow up article: How I Stopped Feeling Depressed

67 Responses (67 Comments, 0 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Positively Present

May 04 10, 10:01 am PST

1
Hang in there, Tina! Thanks for sharing the update with us and I’m looking forward to your next post. :)
Yee Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

May 04 10, 10:06 am PST

2
Hey Tina, I’m sure the universe will give you strength to overcome this phase and you will come back stronger and better soon!

Take care =)
Marco
May 04 10, 10:31 am PST

3
Hope you get better soon Tina. Miss you.
Wiertz Sebastien

May 04 10, 11:44 am PST

4
Nice to have you back Tina.

I have been through that as well. Now my daughter is 5 years old and my son 10 months.

At least, it learn you to be organized.
Ves
May 04 10, 12:28 pm PST

5
I wish you to be better very soon and may you have a lot of strength and love around you! Keep going!
Darin J
May 04 10, 8:50 pm PST

6
Just ran across the website today, and I must say that it will become one of my regulars. I just wanted to say that I went through the same type of thing a couple years ago, and it’s one of those things that eventually work itself out with time and I’m glad you’re doing better and I hope the great posts keep coming
Richard | RichardShelmerdine.com

May 04 10, 10:35 pm PST

7
Have you ever looked into the Law Of Attraction? It might be able to help you. You are so much stronger than you think you are.
Keshav

May 05 10, 3:09 am PST

8
Did you talk to other mothers or your own mother? Maybe that can help.

Be strong. Be Happy

Life is good and you know it.

Here is a short poem to cheer you up.

Think small
Think Tiny
Sometimes don’t even think

You may lead
But now you can follow
the pitter patter.
tiny steps will lead you
the smile shall follow

He gets up
one step a time
He falls
to getup again
today, tomorrow or next week
he never gave-up
he will walk one day.

you don’t know
as he may not know
But one day
you shall run
back into happiness

Watch him getup
see his strength
share his hope
understand his persistance

It is time
to finally run
while
you laugh
together
Michelle Brown

May 05 10, 3:19 am PST

9
Tina – hang in there! Every phase with a new baby does transform into another; you just can’t always see it at the time. And they get bigger and less dependent and they eventually turn into people!

It is an amazing process. And I think you truly appreciate your own mother once you become one yourself.
Laurie
May 05 10, 6:43 am PST

10
Yep – you hang in there too! This is all a natural process of motherhood and you WILL get through it, promise :-).
Trece

May 05 10, 6:47 am PST

11
Thank you Tina for your honesty. I suffered PPD with each of my children, falling deeper and deeper each time. I am glad that you are finding your way through.
Thank so much for the Louise Hat quote. It is exactly what I needed to read today. I found out yesterday that my surgeries will need to be postpone for a couple of months, pushing my whole recovery back. I am struggling to push forward, and her words helped.
Trece
Nicki
May 05 10, 6:52 am PST

12
Thanks for sharing! It was great to see a new post. I found your site not too long ago and have found it to be very inspiring. You are not alone…I think that is the most important thing to remember.
feyi
May 05 10, 6:59 am PST

13
Nice to hear from you again Tina.
Patrice
May 05 10, 6:59 am PST

14
Hi Tina! I’ve been patiently waiting for your return and to hear your wisdom. Like you, I recently had my first child and she’s 8 mos. now. Its been a very difficult process. I’ve just been unhappy though I have so much to be thankful for, and I don’t have a clear explanation for it. Its just how I feel. I’m hanging in there and I wish you many moments of happiness and pure, sweet joy. I can’t wait to read your authentic words. Stay well. Peace & Blessings.
tara correll

May 05 10, 7:14 am PST

15
Thanks for the post Tina. What you are sharing goes much deeper than having a baby. I am inspired by and proud of you for being so honest and true to yourself. You can only be the best mother, wife and human being by taking your queues from the universe. It’s saying “wake up already” there is more for you to work on!
Enjoy this time with your son and your husband.
My son is 17 today! The only regret I have is not being more present at times when I was dealing with old pain. Please always know that life is sweet and you are loved.
Lisa
May 05 10, 7:25 am PST

16
It was great to get a post from you Tina! Sleep is paramount for mental health! I suffered from postpartum depression with my first child. It was a very hard road, but with anti-depressants, therapy and something to do outside the home….I recovered and grew as a person. Hang in there Tina! Having a child certainly changes your life!!!
Annie Binns

May 05 10, 7:52 am PST

17
Tina, it is so lovely to “hear” your voice again. I wish that all our paths could be light and flowy and easy and full of rainbows, but then what wisdom would you have to give your beautiful son?

Thanks for sharing Louise – I can never have enough Louise Hay in my day! Looking forward to hearing you more often,

Annie
Donald Wisch
May 05 10, 8:04 am PST

18
Well this was a nice surprise today to see a post from you today. Welcome back Tina. Positive and healing thoughts are coming your way. Thanks for the update. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Don
Mark
May 05 10, 10:37 am PST

19
Tina, my feed reader has been faithfully polling your blog’s feed and I have looked forward to your return as I am sure that so many others have.

Though we have never met face-to-face, you are my friend and I’m sure other readers feel the same way. Even though you have given us so much in the past, you owe us nothing more. We’ll be here waiting if you want to say something to us.

We are a patient lot of people. Take your time. When you do start to write something, make sure that you do it for primarily for yourself. You are so smart and insightful.

And if there is ever something you need, be sure to let us know so that maybe we can reciprocate in some way.

Hang in there and enjoy Ryan. If some of your depression has come from the fact that Ryan is now commanding so much of your time and attention, and it’s preventing you from being the superwoman that you have been in the past, let me remind you that it’s OK to let other parts of your life coast, or even grind to a halt, so that you can focus on being whatever it is that life demands of you right now.

Personal experience: most of my own depression comes out of feeling that I can’t do everything that I think I need to be doing to being successful. I have multiple businesses, none of them getting enough attention, and I have two awesome kids that require a bunch of my time… I don’t expect to be 100% on all of those things, but I get depressed when I feel like I can’t even be 80% on each one of those. I fail constantly. Sometimes I disappoint my kids ’cause work gets in the way. Sometimes I disappoint my business partners because life gets in the way. I most often disappoint myself because my own expectations get in the way… I want to do it all and I want to do it all really, really well… Reality is always there, giving me an endless stream of obstacles… And I get depressed. Funny, I know all of this, and I should just adjust my expectations downwards, and feel good about what I do accomplish, but… knowing the path and walking the path are entirely different things.

By the way, I know this great blog that might help you out. It’s called “Think Simple Now” and has lots of brilliant advice on how to find happiness and fulfillment. :-)

Lotsa Hugs…
Patrick
May 05 10, 10:54 am PST

20
I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like the lack of sleep (if 5-6hours of continuous is the most you’ve gotten in the last while) is probably the main factor in you experiencing states of depression.
But you probably already know this.
Gail
May 05 10, 10:59 am PST

21
I feel like I know you because your posts are so honest and from the heart. This earth school is so challenging but in a good way. Hang in there it gets better and you get smarter. My daughter was 3 months early and weighed 2 lb 1 oz and don’t get me wrong it was hard but I wouldn’t change anything. She is now 21 years and both a challenge and a blessing. You will grow so much as a person you will look back and say “who was that girl”.
Cheerful Monk

May 05 10, 11:16 am PST

22
My daughter started sleeping through the night 8 days after she came home from the hospital. I promised her then I would love her the rest of her life, no matter what she did. :)
Aimee
May 05 10, 11:35 am PST

23
Tina – Reading and re-reading your site over the last 12 months of my life has brought me back to center when all around me has been upheaveal. Believe in your own words, strength and intuition… This wall you can climb. Know you are not alone and seek out other moms. If we’d all be willing to share our experiences with each other, good and bad, we’d be surprised how un-alone we are on this earth! hugs from this mom to you and yours… Be strong, be sweet and be you again.
AJ
May 05 10, 11:48 am PST

24
Awesome quote from Louise Hay. Like her, you are an inspiration, I am sure, to so many readers.

I’m sure you’ll come around the bend just fine. You have the training, knowledge and wisdom to do so – so much more than most people. I hope you have confidence in that fact.

In the rear-view mirror, having a child was THE most pivotal, important and loving events of my life. My son, at 16, is absolutely the apple of my eye.

You’re on a fantastic journey, and will enjoy every single up/down, poop/pee, sleepless night and joyful giggle.

Namaste.
Kiquine
May 05 10, 3:09 pm PST

25
Blimey! (Yes, I’m from the UK) Seems like you started your website to give advice to others about the powers of the Universe, etc so the Universe has done you the great favour of throwing every conceivable challenge in your path to make you a very wise person indeed. You will, of course, live up to the challenges and overcome every obstacle and pass on your experience and advice to the rest of us.
Mr. Montesi
May 05 10, 4:00 pm PST

26
Hey Tina,
It is great to have news from you and the Family! True friends are always here! Living life honestly like you if beautiful and everyone is learning so much about them self just reading your post… I have no writing skills but just wanted to let you know that all I want (most certainly lots of others) is your Happiness! Take your time, get better, reach out and use us for energy! We are all right here waiting for you no matter how long you need! HUGS!!! :-D A Bientôt ma belle Tina.
Leigh Harris

May 05 10, 4:03 pm PST

27
I remember my children sleeping for 5 hours – it was magical! (Or at least I started to feel sane again.)

You have many people sending loving thoughts to you… and it will get better. Hang in there.
ermao
May 05 10, 5:19 pm PST

28
hi,how are you?Your “Never Work Again”is wonderful,

I want to live a simple life.
Do you like visiting?

welcome to visit EXPO2010 shanghai china .
I’m here!
Parker Lee

May 05 10, 5:36 pm PST

29
Tina! I miss your writing, be safe, heal safe, and I along with thousands look for your return.

All the best,

Parker
Tracy Chapman
May 05 10, 5:58 pm PST

30
I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing. Motherhood is a big deal and a bid adjustment. I’m still adjusting with a 9 and a 4 year old!! I think I’ve found one of the keys is still maintaining some part of your week that’s just for you. I know, way easier said than done. I still haven’t mastered it myself but I’m working on it!

Best of luck – and looking forward to reading more of your wonderful posts. Always my favorites. :)
Josten

May 05 10, 8:11 pm PST

31
I know that you will be able to get through this temporary phase. It’s only a matter of time.
Karla
May 05 10, 8:42 pm PST

32
Hi Tina,
I can very much relate to your feelings. I have been battling depression for about 2 years. There’s times when I’ve felt guilty because I have a beautiful family and I don’t see why I should be depress but this is a battle which I hope to fight day by day. Some days are better than others. On good days I try to give my best to my family and be the best I can. So hang in there and take care of yourself for your husband but most of all for baby Ryan. I really look forward hearing from you soon. You have been greatly missed.
David Lindberg
May 06 10, 3:37 am PST

33
You are a parent now and going through the hormone changes as well. On top of that, you are a person who is very much in tune to your emotions and thoughts. This is who you are and who you have become. Try to not take things too seriously. I am in no way trying to make light of your personal situation. Having a baby, sleepless nights and all the worries of being a parent can bring anyone to the brink of breaking!

I am the father of two beautiful daughters, inside and out. One is 31 and the other is 21. Even with spacing 10 years between them, I still worry relentlessly about them to this day. I have always thought that my sole purpose for being on this Earth was to bring these two people in the world, who are and will be better people than I. This is my legacy…being a parent, focused on them, so that also makes for a very stressful life, as they go through all the phases of their lives.

My famous saying that my family and friends know me know is: “Concerning having children….It’s ain’t all Christmas morning!” ….meaning that it IS one of life’s most difficult jobs…and it never, ever goes away.

Again, I don’t want to say that you are not having a serious issue and I am not saying anything negative about being a parent.

What I am saying is YOU are going through what a GOOD parent goes through because you care so much. Take a lot of deep breaths, meditate IF you ever find time and be easier on yourself. Imagine what moms went through 50 or more years ago, when they felt the way you do, people thought they were mentally insane OR they had to stay quiet about how they felt and suffer without the understanding of the medical or rest of the world.

I hope this helped in even a small way. Take care. You will enjoy a lifetime of fulfilling love and memories from your child. :-)
Scott Dinsmore

May 06 10, 3:38 pm PST

34
So glad you are well Tina! I keep checking back in to TSN for new posts and for inspirations for our sites own reviews and articles. Can’t wait to read what you have to say next. We ate here to help however we can!

Something that always puts me in a good state is a yogic chant I learned a couple years back. I’m going to butcher the spelling but here goes:

om niva shivaya gurave
sacidananda murtayee
nisprapancia shantaya
niralambya murtayee

my thoughts are with you,

Scott
John Bardos - JetSetCitizen

May 06 10, 10:14 pm PST

35
Thanks for the update.

I hope everything works out for you soon. All the best!
Uzma
May 07 10, 4:16 am PST

36
Dear Tina,
Its really good to be reading your words again. Am sure you have the strength in your soul to emerge with greater learning and wisdom.
Looking forward to your new renewed emergence :-)
God bless
Carolina Franceschi

May 07 10, 7:00 am PST

37
Hi Tina! I I read your posts many times to cheer myself up when I wasn’t doing so well. Hope you find the joy in your life again. Remember nothing lasts forever and these shall pass. You are the creator of your experiences, you are powerful and beautiful inside.
Remember who you are.
Love and Light,
Carolina.
Nathalie Lussier

May 07 10, 4:11 pm PST

38
Hey Tina!

Glad to know you’re still alive and well (and doing better day by day)!

I am sending you and the family lots and lots of love, support, and joy. Oh and more sleep too. :)

Hugs,
Nathalie
SJL Web Design

May 09 10, 10:25 am PST

39
I hope Ryan continues to sleep through the night so you can start feeling human some more! Look forward to reading the new articles again.
Tess The Bold Life

May 10 10, 9:19 am PST

40
Hi,
Thanks for sharing I’m sure that many mothers can relate. When I was a practicing psychologist I saw the depths of depression through clients…new moms etc.

I also saw them heal. Take all the time you need and don’t worry about readers. All is well.
Shirley

May 10 10, 5:28 pm PST

41
Tina,

As one who has known clinical depression, I offer you my own story of hope. I know what sleep deprivation does to you and will breathe a prayer for you as I turn in to sleep tonight.

Here is a recent blog post looking back on depression from the other side. http://www.100memoirs.com/2010/04/a-story-of-hope-for-those-who-struggle-with-depression/

Sounds like you are getting ready to tell a similar story.
Sofia
May 12 10, 2:27 am PST

42
Hi there, a friend showed me your blog. I have a 18 months baby and can totally relate to your situation. You are not alone, many women had a depression after a child birth. Hang in there, better times will come and I can assure you that things will improve! It is not easy to start a new life sleep deprived, to say the least…
In fact, I felt like I had reborn together with my baby and relearn almost everything over again…
;)

Sofia, from Portugal
Meira

May 12 10, 5:03 pm PST

43
Glad your back!
ricardo a.

May 13 10, 12:32 am PST

44
Hi Tina,

Nice to see you´re back!
This is just a phase, soon all be worth it.
I slept little with my first child in the first months, some years later I had almost forgotten it.

I keep learning from your site.

All the best .
li
May 13 10, 3:31 pm PST

45
being sleep deprived is sooo not fun. it will get better (much!) once you all are sleeping fairly regularly through the night. we took all of the advice we received, but to no avail; as you likely know, some babies just won’t sleep through the night until they are fully ready. and goodness knows why they finally figure it out, but sending good wishes your way that this is a new trend!

all the sleepy best.
LuvBuv

May 13 10, 9:46 pm PST

46
Hi Tina – thanks for your post! I too am a new mommy to a now 8 month old baby girl. It took her 6 months to finally sleep through the night so things are a lot better. But I remember the first few months were just BRUTAL – I often wondered how people ever managed to take care of more than 1 kid.

I felt stir-crazy for the first few weeks and needed to get out of the house. I recently joined a mommy group which has been great. The moms get together and bitch/chat while the lil’ ones play.
Yuri

May 14 10, 4:12 am PST

47
Keep your head up Tina. Like all things, this too shall pass. Keep smiling and adding great value through your blog. We’re here for you.
MissMikele

May 14 10, 4:19 pm PST

48
Aw Tina! All of our thoughts & prayers are with you! I’m sure this journey has been tough but you’ll come out it wiser and more brave and beautiful!
Satu
May 15 10, 12:13 am PST

49
Good to hear from you Tina! As you wrote, it is time for you personal healing, time to take care of yourself and learn about yourself.
You have certainly help many by your writings also it is for me to send you positive vibes, you will make it and you will grow stronger and little by little you get it thru. More beautiful and more entire.
Big hug
Laura @ PARING DOWN

May 15 10, 8:17 am PST

50
Welcome back, Tina. It’s tough with babies – remember to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Don’t bottle it up!!!

Here’s to change!
:) Laura
Sean Yang
May 16 10, 7:49 am PST

51
I feel so glad you are back, your words are so inspiring and sincere that I feel warm from your word.

P.S, I am from China and I often talk with my students about your post. Thank you!!
Cath Lawson

May 16 10, 8:27 pm PST

52
Hi Tina – I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery. Depression is horrid – especially when you have a new baby to look after. I know you will come through it and benefit from the learning process. Take Care and get well.
Martin Wildam

May 18 10, 1:27 am PST

53
It is normal with little children, that your main interests get reduced to sleeping, eating and going to the toilet.

Probably that has to do much with teaching about happiness.
Daniel

May 19 10, 7:40 am PST

54
Welcome back Tina! Been sometime since a new blog entry appeared in my reader. May your healing and new beginning come … today. :)

Awaiting the next blog entry
- Daniel
Laura

May 20 10, 12:52 pm PST

55
Just found your blog today when I was looking for some ideas for sorting out email inbox clutter. You had one of the best posts I found and the one which seems most practical for me to actually use. I added a link to your post on my blog post. Noticed you are also with 9 Rules. Not very active there (not meaning yourself but the network overall). Anyway, hope things are going well and you are feeling better. A lot of people seemed to be feeling depressed these past few months, myself included.
Barbara
May 22 10, 1:46 am PST

56
Take it a day at a time lovely lady. You will get through it and come out stronger. The first few months are the toughest as you adjust to the major change in your life a baby can bring. I promise it gets easier as you not only settle into parenthood but as your baby learns to do more for themselves. My little man is 3.5yrs old and I didn’t realise how fast the time would go. Cherish every moment no matter how tough as you will get through it.

All the best,
Barbara
Barbara
May 22 10, 1:48 am PST

57
ps. Looking forward to your next post :o)
loreley
May 22 10, 10:50 pm PST

58
Dear Tina,

Long time reader here. You’ve been through a lot. Best wishes for healing.
Shekhar Sahu

May 23 10, 4:18 pm PST

59
This is why mothers are great.
NP Jara

May 23 10, 10:16 pm PST

60
Looking at our own babies is totally awesome, right Tina?

When my child was two years old, I catch myself staring at her and I always ask myself if this marvelous bundle of joy really came from me. At some point though, our happiness as new moms turn into depression when we do not have time anymore to spend for ourselves, to go to a spa, to have our hair done and to simply feel good about ourselves.

I hope you find time to take care of yourself so you can better care for your son.
AR
May 24 10, 11:09 am PST

61
Hi Tina … when I suffered with depression, my friend told me that I would come out on the other side. That still helps today. You will come out on the other side of this!
Jae

May 25 10, 12:08 pm PST

62
Hey Tina,

I miss reading your amazing articles :) I hope you can come back and share your thoughts again.

I have a friend who was in a state of depression for a week and then stopped everything he was doing and took a long nap. After that he wasn’t depressed anymore. Sometimes it’s just a lack of sleep!

I hope you soon feel like yourself again!

Jae
julie ~ jbulie's blog

May 27 10, 3:24 am PST

63
Welcome back to writing, Tina.

You can do it. I know you can. For some reason I think we know what to expect before becoming mothers. Then reality sets in that we have to handle situations that would otherwise be incomprehensible if you didn’t live through it.

Get rest.
Take care of yourself.
Know that soon, life will get back to ‘normal’. Even better.

Much love.

Julie
Dr Paul Dyer

May 31 10, 6:34 pm PST

64
Wow, I appreciate your transparency and courage. BTW, my daughter did not sleep through the night for her first 8 months…I was exhausted and flat out spent. She’s home this summer from college, a beautiful, responsible, and very clever young woman. Life’s seasons are remarkable, with each bringing a lesson. I truly wish you well in this season.
Paul

Jun 01 10, 1:18 pm PST

65
I hope you feel better soon. I can relate to you. At the moment I have been going in and out of depression, not for the same reason but never the less it is a process and a painful one at that. Keep your head up and I look forward to your next post.
Noritake

Jun 03 10, 1:17 am PST

66
Yeah its really painful when hormones changes as our body grow.
I hope you will feel better now. It will take few weeks or even month to
get rid from such problem. You please keep on updating. Try to keep
your mind tension free.
Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot

Jun 06 10, 2:12 am PST

67
Hi Tina, I knew something was going on and feared something like this. It is a new beginning. Sleep depravation and depression do happen to a lot of people (especially new mums) but you can and will recover. Great to see you back here again:)

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