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How to End a Relationship

Photo by Erik Clausen

Breaking up with someone you love can be one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll go through. How have you handled breakups in the past? What can you do to minimize pain for the other person and yourself?

I’ve been on quite an emotional ride recently. What has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind involves a slice from my personal life. Without going into details, Adam, my partner for the past year, and I have decided to part ways. We will remain good friends.

The past three weeks have been a tremendously painful period, feelings of empathy mixed with remorse and guilt. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day.

When I first wrote about the art of keeping a relationship, my friend Pete Forde suggested that perhaps people could also benefit from an article on how to end a relationship. I noted his brilliant suggestion without further thought. Little did I know, this would become the center of my experience a month later.

This being a sensitive topic, I had a tough time finding genuine and in-depth resources online. My goal here is to capture the understanding and wisdom I’ve gained from going through this event, and to perhaps be of help or a point of clarity for your life story.

Feel free to add points that I’ve missed in the comment section. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

 

Why Relationships End & Other Realizations

As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning and personal growth. I’ve learned as the years goes by, just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort. Don’t big life shifts always appear this way?

Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as an opportunity for change in the life direction you were meant to lead and benefit from. The following are some realizations I’ve learned with regards to relationships and the ending of them.

1. The Failure Misconception

Socially, we tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. We even articulate it as such; we say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, we leave a negative impression in our minds and an association with relationships in general.

The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather the ending of a life situation in our story. We were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments and we were meant to learn from its challenges. New life and death are all around us. Every inhale we take is a birth and each exhale is the death of that breath; and life continues.

2. Being Honest to Your Needs

It’s important to clearly understand our needs in a relationship and qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself and don’t compromising the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed.

Truth is, we can’t make people change we can only change ourselves. Small things will magnify with time. Be conscious of these small things and be honest with yourself. Understand your needs and be true to yourself. We only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter.

3. Fear and Guilt

We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We fear loneliness, we fear hurting our partner, and we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations. The guilt comes in when we recognize that we are not being honest with ourselves and thus being unfair to our partners.

4. ‘Borrowed’ Desires

Sometimes in the presence of someone who is completely focused in getting what they want (ie. Your love), it influences your desires when in their presence. You pick up their strong vibe and their desire transfers to you.

In a relationship, if one partner feels significantly stronger than the other, sometimes this strong desire rubs off on the other person. In the presence of the more interested partner, the less interested partner will feel that “This is the right thing for me. This feels right.” When separated from the partner with the strong desire, the less interested partner will feel less intense or indifferent about the relationship.

5. Love and Romance Can Be Mutually Exclusive

Sometimes when we have strong connections with people, we instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, and end up jumping into one with them. You can love people without being in a romantic relationship. I think we are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance.

Truth is, the love we feel for others comes from a beautiful place within ourselves, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of our true nature, it has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, we can cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person.

6. Social Pressure

I felt the social pressure when considering my options. But at the end of the day, that pressure comes from my ego out of fear that I would look bad. I have a public image and on some level, I was afraid what people might think of me afterwards. That can turn into negative self talk.

Here is an example of such a thought, “What would my friends think? What would my readers think? I am a horrible person.” I got out of this state by gaining clarity and recognizing that I needed to be honest with myself.

7. Loss of Friendship

Traditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off. It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months and years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else must be cut off. Why can’t we continue the other components of the relationship after our hearts are healed? Friendship does not have to be lost.

8. Fantasy Fueled By Desire

We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, and we end up living in that fantasy instead of reality. We repeatedly play the same videos in our mind, and believe that we will be happy when our life situation matches that of the mental videos. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, and we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy.

How to Break Up with Someone

relationship-break.jpg
Photo via Erik Clausen

Once you’ve decided that parting ways is the best solution, doing the actual break up can be pretty nerve racking, since people’s hearts are on the line. Here is a series of steps to help you through it and suggestions of ways to reduce pain caused to the other person.

1. Clarity

Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the surface reason isn’t the real reason. Dig deep within yourself to find the real reason. Being surrounded by the situation can cloud your judgment. Separate yourself from the situation and spend some alone time. This will help you gain the clarity you need. I’ve found journaling to be an effective tool.

2. Self Honesty

Make the commitment to be honest with yourself and the other person. The truth will set you free. Be committed to that.

3. Setup Meeting Time

Setup mutual time to talk to your partner as soon as possible. Some people are opposed to phone breakups. I think that face-to-face is always best, but if distance separates you, it’s best to do so as soon as possible rather than waiting.

4. State of Compassion

Before your meeting, get into a state of compassion for the other person. In a state of compassion, you will exude love and understanding, which you’ll need to help the other person heal. Some suggestions to help you get into a compassionate state:

  • Deep Breathing – Stand up straight, close your eyes, and place your hand on your heart. Take deep, long inhales and exhales. You can count the inhale/exhale length. After inhaling, hold your breath for a 5 count before exhaling slowly. Repeat at least 15 times.
  • Gratitude – Sit somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, and picture everything you are grateful for. One by one, images of people, situations, places, and things appear in your imagination. Alternatively, try writing this down instead of visualizing.
  • Focus on Love – Close your eyes. Optionally, put on some slow music which you enjoy. In your imagination, go back to all the times when you felt loved and when you felt love for others. Imagine times where you truly felt happy and free. Imagine yourself as a little kid, experiencing joy and freedom. Do this exercise for at least 5-10 minutes.

5. The Meeting

During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and respectfully for the sake of the other person. Here are some additional pointers for when explaining yourself during the meeting:

  1. When explaining, focus on how things made you feel, this way your partner doesn’t get defensive. Make it clear that the situation is not their fault, since blaming doesn’t add value in helping the situation.
  2. Talk about things you’ve learned from the relationship and what you are grateful for.
  3. Be Genuine in everything that you say. If you don’t mean something, don’t say it. People can detect when you are not being authentic.

6. Be There

Your partner will get emotional and possibly very upset. They will bounce between different emotional states. Your job is to be there for them. Become the observer of the situation. Stay conscious, calm and alert.

7. Don’t take anything personally

When we are emotional and feeling hurt, we can easily become irrational and say things we don’t mean. Don’t be surprised if your partner acts like a small child and says unreasonable or mean things to you. They don’t mean it. They are simply hurt and need attention from you. Don’t take anything personally. Become the observer so you don’t get attached to what’s being said and react defensively.

8. Love Them

Love them regardless of the situation. They are human and have feelings. Remember you can love people without needing to be in a romantic relationship with them. Be there for them in that state of love and compassion, regardless of how they react. This will help you find your center, while remaining calm to best help the other person deal with the situation.

9. Fully Express Emotions

If you feel like crying, do it, and do it fully. This will release the emotional clutter in your inner space.

10. Multiple Meetings

it really takes several days before news can sink in. Don’t expect to meet once and be done with it. It is your responsibility to be there for that person, at least initially during a breakup situation.

11. Be Available

Do whatever is necessary to help them heal without compromising your values. Be available for them when they need you.

12. Space

Give them space. They will be hurt no matter what, so even if they appear fine on the outside, they are hurting. What they need now is time. Check up on them a few times in the beginning to make sure they are okay and to let them know that they matter. Remind them that you are here if they need your help to heal.

13. Relinquish Guilt

You may experience guilt, since you are the one initiating the breakup. You see that you’ve caused pain and this may affect your state of being. The following are some ideas that help to let go of this feeling:

  1. Meditation
  2. Deep Breathing
  3. Alone Time
  4. Exercise to Release Energy

How to Cope with Your Partner Leaving

I’ve had my share of heart breaks and understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It hurts, it really hurts. You feel like it’s the end of the world, and you wonder how you can possibly get over it. You will feel pain and despair, but I promise you, you will get over it. Time is the magic ingredient.

relationship-end-cope.jpg
Photo via Aurora

I will have an in depth article on this topic soon. For now, here are some pointers for those on the receiving end of breakups. These have been helpful for me in the past.

  • Talk With Friends – In verbalizing your thoughts and options, you’ll gain better understanding and perspective.
  • Surround Yourself with Positive Energy – Be surrounded by friends and family. Be around happy and optimistic people. Be around people you like. Be around people who can make you laugh.
  • Love Yourself – Spend time inwards with loving yourself. Doing things to appreciate and love yourself will help you gain the self confidence and independence you need to heal. When was the last time you really appreciated yourself?
  • It’s Okay to Cry – In fact, I recommend it. Express the pain and let it all out. Don’t hold anything back, cry fully. Letting it out will be liberating for your being. It’s okay to cry.
  • Find the Lesson – What did you learn through this relationship? I’m a big believer that good can come out of every situation, even ones we’ve perceived as bad. Focus on what you’ve gained in life lessons that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
  • Fully Experiencing the Pain – When pain strikes, our instinct is to avoid it. We distract ourselves with other tasks while suppressing the pain. This doesn’t actually make the pain go away. “What we resist, persists.” The best way to deal with the pain is by fully facing it. Closing your eyes, fully experience that feeling of sharp pain within your being, and become the observer of that pain within you. Separate the observer from the pain.
  • Gratitude Visualization – Put your hands on your heart and gently shut your eyes. Visualize all the things, experiences, and people that you are thankful for. If you are visualizing a person, see their face smiling at you with joy and kindness. Give thanks for all the things we take for granted, parts of our body, the things we enjoy about our jobs, people who love us. Give thanks to your heart, which works continuously, without which we wouldn’t be here. Give thanks to our safe homes, the abundance of food, and clothing to keep us warm. Give thanks to people who have been kind to us. Give thanks to authors who have inspired us. Gratitude puts you in a state of love, acceptance and understanding.
  • Benefits to Me? – Focus on how this new situation can help you. Maybe you will now have the free time to pursue something that’s important to you. Maybe you can gain the independence and freedom you’ve wanted to experience for yourself.
  • Time Heals – After the initial shock has sunk in and you’ve had plenty of communication with your ex, take time to be separated from your ex partner. It’s hard to gain clarity, perspectives and independence while being reminded of them constantly. I recommend taking a few weeks to be apart: no meeting, no emails, no phone calls. With time, you will heal.
  • Silence Heals – Sit silently and observe your emotions and thoughts. Have a journal and pen at your side. When you have a realization, write it down in your journal. Use journaling as a tool to help you sort out your thoughts. It has the power to help you gain clarity.

 

* How have you handled breakups in the past? How would you do it differently if given the chance? Got tips for coping with breakups from the receiving end?  Share your voice in the comments below. Let’s make this a collective learning experience. Thank you for sharing this moment with me.

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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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255 thoughts on How to End a Relationship

  1. Thinkin

    when do you stop it all?

  2. @Thinkin

    But what do you want to stop? A bad relationship? Or loving at all? Take the Whitney Houston route ~/ What’s love, got to do, got do do with it? What’s love, …but a second hand emotion? /~ :-)

  3. Shia Labeouf

    i have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. The beggining was great. Couldnt get enough of eachother but a few months ago i got sick of doing what she wants to do, for example. If i wanted to go visit friends she would argue with me and i wouldnt end up going because of the gulit and i couldnt enjoy my self, since the big argument and all.
    Recently ive been feeling asif i should leave her and do what i want to do. im starting to really get bored of her company i dont know why, i cant seem to look at her in the eyes any more. because i just dont feel asif i was the same as i was a few months ago. what do i do. seek the feelings through and hope they will stop. Or take it into my own hands and leave her. its going to be harder than i make it out to be but im kinda scared to aswell. i dont know if i leave i will regret it. i dont know if i stay with her i will have this feeling that i should have left. its a very complicated situation im in.

    please any point of views and comments will be taken into account.

    thanks shia.

  4. moonbug

    Shia,

    You seem to be on the same path as me. And dude…think it through properly. Towards the end in my relationship, I was getting the same pointless feeling and was getting bored. Eventually, I started acting indifferent like I didn’t care one way or the other. This started getting on her nerves and she dumped me a few weeks later. At that point, I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing and felt quite ok. But then, soon, it started getting to me. I realized how much I loved her. I started missing her. She was already neck deep in love with someone else by this time and wouldn’t give me another chance. And with good reason. I was shattered and cried for weeks.

    And now, months after it has been over, I realize what all that boredome was. It was routine. Thats all there was to it. We get used to the same old same old. You should break the monotony to keep the relationship interesting. I didn’t do that and mistook the boredom for emptiness in the relationship.

    Make sure you try everything you can from your end to make the relationship interesting. If nothing works, only then consider breaking up. Because, once you are done breaking up, there is usually no going back. And you might just wake up one day to realize you were the stupidest person on the planet to let her go.

    Don’t go my way, if you can help it. People who love you are precious. Do all you can to keep them. Thats my advice.

    Moonbug

  5. @Shia

    Moonbug makes some great points. The question is, is it that you don’t love her any more, or that you’re bored? There are levels on levels here – is her companionship important to you? Do you interact with her casually on a level that you’d miss? Or is it simply that you think you can do better? How much better? Is ‘doing better’ important to you?

    I think maybe you should have a long talk with her about this specific thing. Not necessarily to break up, but to find out how much she has invested in the relationship. If she doesn’t care then maybe it would be pretty mutual on both sides if you broke up.

    You should examine your motivations. Exactly what are you looking for? Someone smarter? Someone witty? Someone entertaining? Hotter? Sexier? More seductive? Older? Younger?

    Turn your feelings around and re-examine them from the perspective of her feeling the same about you. What if she’s thinking the same thing? Would you fight to protect a relationship that you want out of? Are you just interested in the thrill of the chase?

    I think it’s likely that you’re too young for love perhaps, you’re not old enough to feel vulnerable yet, so you don’t value the deeper bonds of love that form once the initial eroticism burns out. Quite frankly, you’re immature and not ready for a serious relationship.

    But then, sometimes that’s appropriate. Maybe you twisted yourself into something you’re not comfortable with in order to accomodate her, and the relationship is based on a well-meaning lie that you have stuff in common, you like the same things, you enjoy doing activities together. It’s a common mistake for someone to pursue someone else so ardently that they pretend to be someone they’re not in order to win her.

    Try to be more yourself and see what happens. Take back some of the relationship, make changes so you’re more comfortable in it. Talk to her about your feelings and tell her why you’re making these changes. Let her know that you need more you-space in order to sustain the relationship. Compromise with her, a little of this a little of that. Break a few rules first before you break it off completely.

    Just know that if you end it you can’t go back. You’ll have to start all over with someone else once you end things with her… You’ll never get it back with her again. So try changing a few things first before you walk away.

  6. Ezra

    This is truly the case of Emotional Intelligence and so many people do not have it! Your article was brilliant!

  7. Jasmine

    i’m crying just reading this. it’s what i’ve been searching for. some clarity, wisdom and compassion for a subject that no one wants to talk about.

    thank you.

  8. nicegurl

    I LOVE a guy and he loves me too however due to religious differences and strict familes we can never take it further. Its a secret relationship and I think the best thing to do is to end it. I just cant seem to and neither can he. Such a difficult situation!

  9. @nicegurl

    If neither of you can end it, I think you should practice tolerance then. Learn to be okay with his religion, and gently insist that he be okay with yours too. Point the sharp edges of your religions away from each other so that you can meet and love each other in the middle.

    Perhaps it is God’s plan that you come to an understanding together!

  10. Don

    I wrote and deleted this comment 4 times. I finally decided on the following: This article is no good. Once the relationship ends no matter how you end it, it will do 2 things: sever communication between the two and hurt both.

    I think this article should not focus on the end, but on the core of a relationship. Talk about being detached during the relationship, building a constructive environment, filled with love and respect. That way you never get to the end of a relationship if both parties are sane and not lazy.

    But then again, I’m sure there are many women out there who would love to hear some more bull-crud about loving yourself, appreciating yourself, and all of that crap. Because that keeps your minds away from remembering what a useless people user you were during that relationship you now want to end.

    This article makes me both sick and annoyed at the same time. Because women seem to be smart only when they want to. The bad part is that when they want to be smart, it’s usually too late. The relationship ended or the man is so sick of fighting over that trivial crap he’ll just nod and say “uhum, you’re right honey” while thinking “i knew i should have listened to my dad”.

  11. @Don

    Haha! I believe you are correct good sir, about the validity of the original article’s premise. That was just a woman rationalizing the destruction of a relationship at her hands.

    However I’m not sure it’s women alone who can be this way. Guys can be, and often are, outright bastards as well. Perhaps they feel less need to rationalize it.

    The most correct thing to say is that the one who ends the relationship is the guilty party to its demise, and no amount of being friends is going to end the harm that they have caused to another. Being friends never works anyway. God I would love an update about how the OP’s starry-eyed predictions about how her just-friends breakup would proceed… I’ll bet she hasn’t talked to her ex in more than four months haha.

  12. Rams

    Thank you very much Tina, I recently found my relationship is a disaster and thinking for a while how to end it smoothly.

    Your article really will help our lives to be better, i learnt many things from the relationship.. i have literally grown. I am very thankful to you.

  13. canali

    bottom line: all relationships have an expiry date: whether it be 1, 4, 5, 8,10, 15 or 20 years ( you get the pic) they all end eventually….’forever’ is for the vast majority of us a big romantic myth….very few will ‘make it’ there (and if so, doesn’t mean it’s a great ride)….those are the realities….accept such that each relationship for however long it last is to bring both joy and sorrow to your heart, and lessons learned, well the latter is the main thing.

  14. Stephen

    There are two reasons that people break up – the reason they tell you and the real reason. The fact is that it’s not working for one or both persons, and that’s all anyone really needs to know. When someone breaks up with me and rationalizes the breakup with red herrings, I strongly question her integrity.

    My girlfriend finally confirmed my suspicions that she hasn’t been happy with the relationship for six months, but she’s left me in charge of doing the honors and breaking up so that she can tell everyone it was my choice. In a way , she’s giving me a gift. I can take some time to prepare for it rather than being totally blindsided, and it will be good for my self-respect later down the road to let go voluntarily rather than hang on until the bitter end.

    This is my chance to repattern what a breakup should look like. I’m going to keep it quite simple, with no manufactured “reasons”. I’m not going to pull the “can we still be friends?” bollocks. For most people, relationships need to be quit cold-turkey, at least until both parties have moved on with someone else.

  15. balance666...

    wow… i didn’t think anyone would actually write something like this… seriously… what is in people’s mind these days? does commitment not mean anything? does promise ring any bells? is there actually something missing? look… people breakup when the time is right… or when both accepts it… if its a small thing… (sure it can turn big) but atleast give WARNINGS!!!… females are terrible… and guys are not such good people either…

    LOVE is a connection… take it seriously… make it a 5/10… balance it… stay calm, and think and talk to your partner… tell your partner everything or else you are the bad person ruining their lives! i get how your values is missing from your partner but u can change their mind… modify them if they really do love you, even change is good. change to be together… then things don’t even have to end.

    not everything comes to an end… thing change… and people adapt… and then things stay the same… i don’t really want to talk much because i don’t have time… if anyone of you dissagrees. then email me… i love talking and share my recent break up after a girl left me…

    be fair… be a little logical… a little emtional is fine… and keep yourself adapting to things…

    kangdegu@hotmail.com

    love

  16. duygu

    ‘Hello everybody! i typed “how to end a relationship” on google and click on this link.. it feels really funny for me to search for this kind of articles but anyways here i am.. i ve been dating with my bf for almost 8 months.. Everything was going pretty much well. Though he feels kinda inferior than me, financially, academically whatever, and I never made this a problem. i was happy with him, he had sooo many good human qualities that i wouldnt change this with more money whatever.. Last New Years eve, i was to spend it with my girlfriends and my best friend’s nephew was there, and we feel in love with each other.. we have been texting and seeing each other.. we are so deeply in love with each other.. and He even had a gilfriend… we were both aware of that fact, but couldnt help.. it was sth so powerful that we didnt want to miss in any how.. so now, he left his current gilfriend for me-though they normally had problems as well- and this is my turn to end my relationship… God !!!! i feel soooo bad, so quilty, i mean i would neveeeeeer eveeer tolerate any people who cheats !!! but now, i can see how though it can be !!!! i do want to be with my second lover but how Im gonna do this to my current loving and cutiiie boyfriend how how.. OH.. i would want to hear your opinions i would be so glad, or even you can send me an email. resimpicture@windowslive.com Thank you all ;(

  17. Michael

    The article raises some critical points. For example, one cannot make changes in a partner: especially a new one after only a few months. Second, yes we can learn from our breakups and remember the good times. But, it is especially important to recall why we chose the other person in the first place. Too frequently, we (as in my case) push aside strong intuitions of doubt and objection and proceed to attempt a relationship. If our attempts don’t succeed, as the article suggests, we frequently blame ourselves. Sure, there may be some learning points resulting but when examples such as cancelled dates, and all too frequent mention of other opposite sex friends (with overt desires), then the red lights and sirens should be heeded.

    Each relationship is as different as we are. Desiring companionship, love, and romance is a natural human trait. But when the chosen partner doesn’t live up to expectations, we should do two things. Ask why we chose that person and assume responsibility for that decision. No one is perfect but some basic qualities seem to be a must: a wllingness to have open discussions throughout a relationship, a shared set of morals and values and at least some interests, and when entering a new relationship, it’s objectively best to have no loose strands or entanglements pertaining to a past relationship. After five months I chose to conclude a relationship because the one I chose continuously seemed to be mentioning new persons with a crush on her and showing pictures of old flames. Additionally, I realized that the use of words like “idiot”, “stupid”, and “…. you” directed towards me could not be changed with polite requests and transient apologies. I have no desire to be this person’s friend. Nor do I have feelings of malice towards her. What I have learned is to go more slowly in the future, trust my initial intuition and proceed accordingly. And yes, the other person in my case is a tease! It’s good to wake up as quickly as possible!

  18. @Michael

    Sounds like you dodged a bullet there Michael, only 5 months shouldn’t be hard to get over. The verbal abuse you describe is a strong indicator that this is a relationship you shouldn’t invest yourself emotionally into.

  19. Hi

    I just read your info on ending a relationship and feel compelled to comment. In the breaking up section, #12, I want to say that the suggestion to “check in” with the person you are breaking up with over the first several days to “see that they are okay” is complete crap – I just had someone do this with me and it was horrible. . . If its over, let it be over (at least for a while, until BOTH people are ready for friendship). That whole checking in thing is confussing. I’d much rather have a clean break any day! Maybe my emotional range is at the Neanderthal end of the spectrum, but dealing with a break up is hard enough without the other person (the one who initiated it no less) calling with genuine concern for my feelings – too hard to seperate this from wanting to get back together or wondering if they are only calling to make themselves feel better, etc.
    thanks for listening.
    (and please don’t add my email address to any lists!!!)

  20. Kim

    Hi,
    OK, I have this guy who likes me, but i like some one else not him. He won’t give up on me… Yes it’s a very painful situation. I try to solve this problem with my friend and search all over in the internet, but I couldn’t seem to find one. I really want the guy who likes me to NOT like me anymore and give up… I know it will break his hurt, but I don’t think I’m the girl he’s looking for. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. New found freedom

    I appreciate your article, realizing that a relationship is going nowhere and each persons values are being compromised is emotional death for those in the relationship. Your blog finalized the doubts and fears that I have had for months. It it my wish that more people read this and get the help they need. Thank you so much. Peace and blessings.

  22. lolo msiza

    my boyfriend broke up with me bcoz the mother of his daughter lied to him that i call her most of the times and keep on swearing at her and called her daughter ‘serathane’. yes, i once did called her but i talked to her nicely and we didnt even fight and since that day i never did. she is the one who keeps on calling me and giving me an attitude. he told me that he will never be happy with me and he doesn’t want anything to do with me nor my family. its not the first nor the second time a situation similar to this happens but we somehow survive them. its like when the mother of her child snaps her fingers loyiso jumps. then i decide that even though i still adore him, m just gonna let it go. i believe that he was the love of my life, we used to be happy together but now he has changed alot.since m the one who started this, maybe is for the best i pay by loosing loyiso.

  23. joanna

    Hey,My name is joanna!I love all what you guys wrote but i have a problem which is Im sick of being with my fiance cz he changed he’s being rude,he;s not the same anymore…and I cant tell him im done i dont want you in my life anymore,,,,I dunno the reason but i want to say itt…This relationship is killing me and is negative 4me in many ways…Plz help me to do the right thing thanks

    • HI Joanna,

      If you feel that strongly about not wanting to be with him, then perhaps it’s time to end it. It’s not fair for him either to be engaged to someone who doesn’t really want to be with him.

  24. gene

    I have been dating a woman for 9+ months. When we started seeing each other I wasn’t aware of the married man she was also seeing. I didn’t find out til 4-5 months later. It got to the point that she told me she had ended it with him & told him he needed to focus on his marraige if he wasn’t ready to leave his wife. She wanted to give US a chance to develope our relationship! Everything was going smoothly up until recently. I thought we were on the right path & our relationship moving in the right direction? We started talking about finding a place together & moving in together. She told me that doing this made her a little nervous, but asured me that things would be ok! She would in a little time accept it gladly. She even told me that she did indeed invision us together in our own place & it was a good feeling! So, we continued to look for an appropriate house that would meet our needs! I was TOTALLY blind-sided when she told me “we need to talk”! A statement like that “usually” doesn’t lead to good news & I was correct! She said she thinks we need to slow things down & she wanted some “my time”! So, if that’s what it truely was I could understand and appreciate her request. I was willing to give her her time to sort through things! We talked a few days later & during our talk I found out that she had talked to her mother about out situation & her mother thought we were moving to FAST! So again I agreed to give her her time, & I asked if any of this had anything to do with the “married” man & she told me not at all! Well, imagine my concern when I actually caught them together kissing good night?? Since things were supposed to be slowing down with US, was this a chance to rekindle the old affair? With her not thinking I would eventually find out! I found out before & I did again. I wasn’t stalking or even persueing her, she sent me a txt about getting together to go out. I replied then got no answer. So, I set out to go to her place. When I arrived that’s when I cought them red-handed together again! She tells me that she cares alot about me & that she doesn’t want to lose me! HMMMM A little strange way to show it this way! So, my delima what to do????? I am open to any & ALL advise!!

    • I would personally run the other way from her, move on, heal and find someone else who can be completely committed to you. You deserve that! It doesn’t sound like she’s serious about settling down with anyone else, except the married man. And it sounds like to me that she’s afraid to be alone, so she’s got her feet in two boats.

  25. michael

    @gene

    We all desire to be affirmed through love and committment. Getting to know another is a long and ongoing process.

    One who does not respect the marriage bond (be they married or single) does not deserve respect.

    The most important thing is to figure out why you chose this woman and why she still has value and meaning in your life. Based upon what you have written, she should have literally none.

    This woman has lied continually. You must go one with your life and now find esteem and value first in your self and then find the right and honest person with whom to share it.

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