Insecurities: A Slice From My Diary

101 Comments

The beautiful topic of relationships has occupied much of my mental space over the past few weeks. This is apparent through my recent articles on “How to Get Over Breakups” and “How to Find True Love” (New) via Think Simple Now.

To write these articles, I had to dig deep within myself and recall my own romantic journey and all of the empowering things I’ve learned through the ups and downs of my own relationships.

The most significant day in my personal growth was November 19, 2006. It was through the state of despair and depression I was in that the pain I was experiencing helped to nudge me into sudden clarity about what I’ve been doing wrong all these years. It was an exceptionally exhilarating and liberating day for me.

The following is a snapshot of my realization from that day, as written in my journal.

From that day on, my life has never been the same. The cycle of destruction had finally come to an end. Sometimes, life can only turn around when you’ve hit rock bottom.

I hope that by sharing this slice from my diary, it will help to shine some light on your story and whatever it is that you are going through. For anyone who’s ever felt insecure and insufficient, you are not alone. There is hope, and the future is VERY bright!

” November 19, 2006

Uncertainty is the topic of my day. No, actually it’s insecurities – the insecurity of not being liked, of not fitting in, of not belonging, of being alone, of not being loved. Through much realization about myself in the past few days, I discovered that I used to have a psychological dependency on men, or the idea of having a man there for me.

In the most extreme sense, it was as if my entire self worth relied on this dependency, on this idea of support. Once that dependency is challenged and uncertainty is added into the equation, I become this insecure little girl, unable to continue. I scramble, I panic, I look for plan B, I start to seek out alternatives, replacements … pads to protect my body from shattering into little pieces should I fall from that balcony of visions that I’ve created.

Visions and fixation, of hope, of ideals, of situations, of longing… all of which I have projected onto this man who is the current holder of my self-worth and whom I’ve depended on such that I cannot function normally without. He helps me to feel together, to feel complete. But he also hinders me from achieving my ultimate goals.

In a deeply unconscious state, without knowing it, I’ve asked him to put an invisible leash on my self-worth and my security. As a result, he’s got all of my time, my attention, my heart, and my love and a momentary pause has been placed on my true passions.

I have goals, but in the pursuit of keeping him happy, I set aside my goals and grace him with my attention and time. Deep down, secretly, I feel that without his image around, I will not be able to excel, and that I will not be okay. This of course is a false illusion, but because it’s been deeply buried in my subconscious, I have not been aware of it until now.

With each partner, when their true, ugly qualities re-surface above the perfect image I’ve projected upon them, I abruptly leave and start seeking the next holder of my invisible leash.

Today, I declare to the Universe that with this self revelation, I shall let this go, completely. I do not need it in my life, for it is no longer serving me.

My true self worth comes from myself, my heart, and my perception of my world. I adore myself, I love myself, and I am a wonderful being with lots of love to share.

I am in complete control of my life and my experiences. I gain more security in myself each time I do something that pleases me. I gain when I read wonderful books and learn new things. I gain when I am writing and exploring my feelings. I gain when I re-organize my life (living space, routine, health, goals). I gain when I think about all the wonderful blessings in my life. I gain when I take pictures that capture truth. I gain when I have meaningful conversations. I gain each time I accomplish a goal. I gain each time I think – with absolute faith that – I will always end up in the best possible place no matter what happens. There is something wonderful and valuable from every situation I encounter.

I learned something today:
Love yourself, and love others as if they were me.
Smile lots, and spread joy.
Be truthful, be compassionate, be patient, and be forgiving.
Live with the big heart you were born with. ”

101 Responses (96 Comments, 5 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Glen Allsopp

Feb 12 09, 3:32 am

1
Nice to see the personal side of you Tina (not that you don’t share it already). It’s great that you were able to just ‘let go’ and realise when something was holding you back or simply wasn’t ideal.

Cheers,
Glen
Isobel
Feb 12 09, 8:50 am

2
Hi Tina,

I’ve been reading your articles for awhile now and I always get an immense boost of happiness after thinking about some of the topics you bring up. Thank you for that!

This current topic is so close to what’s happening to me personally that it’s very striking that you decided to post this today. And I feel like because of that coincidence, that I should respond…

I had an argument with my husband (which are becoming more frequent) about my dependency, just last night and a little this morning before work. I love him more than any human being in the world and it’s terrible how much I hurt our relationship by trying to keep him in that “image”. I will say and do hurtful things just to almost force him to fulfill my needs, to make me feel better about who I am. And as you said, at one time I was completely independent and had so many idealistic dreams and goals for myself, and now they have all but evaporated.

I want to let it go and be free, just as you have mentioned, but I’m not sure how exactly to go about it… Do you, or any of your readers, have any advice about how to become myself again? How to let go?

Thank you,
Isobel
Nathalie Lussier

Feb 12 09, 11:39 am

3
Wow, I’m so glad you shared your thoughts about this topic. I used to be so needy/obsessive when it came to guys. It was only when I realized that if I just loved myself first, then there wouldn’t be anything stopping me from finding true love. And it really would be/is true love, because it’s not from a place of dependence or acceptance. It’s just me, sharing the love.

I think you’re really an amazing person Tina! :)
Mona

Feb 12 09, 5:18 pm

4
wow tina, your post made me cry…thank you for sharing yourself so openly…much love
Mona

Feb 12 09, 5:34 pm

5
i hope you don’t mind but i’m sharing parts of your post on my own blog; it will be published tomorrow (:
Michelle
Feb 12 09, 9:03 pm

6
Thank you for posting this Tina. I used to feel the same way few years ago. Life has been positively different upon the day of realization! I really enjoy reading your blog :)
V
Feb 16 09, 3:34 pm

7
Just one question for you Tina, have you found your ideal partner?
that would be important to know for us. are you in a truely fulfilling realtionship?
Avy
Feb 16 09, 9:18 pm

8
Thank you for sharing this! I totally relate, I went through the same thing and it’s still an ongoing process to make sure I stay focused on my own passions and goals instead of wanting him to complete my life. I love my boyfriend, he is amazing, but I was ruining the relationship by being dependent, insecure and clingy. Now I remember to love myself and think of how I would live my life if I were single and do that… and not only is it good for me but it is for our relationship! I think a lot of women go through this and it’s great to see you’re getting it out there… we really are in control of our lives if we want to be! Thank you for being so honest and inspiring us all the time ;)
Avy
Feb 16 09, 9:39 pm

9
And for Isobel… I was able to do it but only after breaking up with him for a while. I moved across the country and did my own thing and then when I moved back about half a year later and we got back together (we remained very close, we’ve been together 5 years in total, since we were 18) I could easily compare the happiness of being independent with the misery of being dependent and not happy with myself. I’m sure you could learn to love yourself and find out who you are/what you want from life from within a relationship but it might be harder?
Tina Su

Feb 22 09, 12:41 am

10
@Isobel

Thanks for opening up and for wanting change for the better. This is a complex topic that can take a long time to properly answer. In short tho, I would:

1. Commit and practice loving myself.

I’ve written about this in several related articles on relationships here and here

2. Take a weekend course called “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” (http://understandingmen.com).

It will change your life! I promise. It’s a relationship course that teaches you how to effectively communicate with men in all relationship circumstances. I’ve taken it, and now volunteer at these classes as staff. If you want a peaceful, mutually-empowering and fulfilling relationship with your husband, I highly highly recommend that you go to this. I personally guarantee it!!

I can give you more info on the course if you’re interested. Particularly, how to get a discounted price. Drop me an email! (tina at {mywebsite url})

Warmly,
Tina
Tina Su

Feb 22 09, 12:43 am

11
@V

Just one question for you Tina, have you found your ideal partner?
that would be important to know for us. are you in a truly fulfilling relationship?

Yes, I have found my ideal life partner and am in a fulfilling relationship. I will blog more about this soon. On a personal note, I just got married. Stay tuned!

Warmly,
Tina
Ange
Feb 26 09, 6:16 pm

12
Beautiful, insightful post Tina. I just adore the paragraph about how you gain your sense of security…..that is so where I’m at in my life journey right now. Thank you for sharing.
Maz

Feb 27 09, 2:09 pm

13
Hi Tina,

I feel very grateful that you post this article. I am currently on an on-off relationship with my partner. or ex, im not sure. I broke up with him, but then tell him that I think we should work on us. Then i broke up with him again, because i found out he lied. he promise not to drink again. is it right for me to control* he uses the word control, is it wrong for me to do that, when i feel im responsible to take care of both of us? can you pinpoint my wrongdoings? i mean besides the drinking and all that with him, i just felt that he is a good man that needs to grow up more and be more mature. one of my mates says that she thinks all men are retards, is that true? and all good nice guys are gay, is that true too?

and from your experiences, i have also gone through the same deal. i put off everything, and would spend all my time with him when he gets back from work and i wont be doing any sewing. i put my own stuff off whenever he is around, so in that case am i putting my self worth on the bottom of my list?

i have already moved out and i still want to see him and when i do, at the end of the meet, we always argue about things. i feel recently (yesterday) i AM the negative one. Cause I think I’m just repeating my mothers action, being negative, i always hate it when i be around her, cause she always complain, so thats why i never complain in my life, i just go through it. then with my partner, i always seem to complain and be negative around him, like when he drives too fast, i tell him to stop driving so fast and be careful, and when he parks the car, he almost hit the bank and i close my eyes and shriek. am i a freak?? i feel theres something wrong with me, that someone can see and pinpoint me what i can improve. so please help me tina. i wanna be happy.

my personality is dual, im a gemini, and sometimes i feel so confuse, and i feel sharing you my story will somehow help me in many ways.

thanks for the great article, and I’m going to read it again.

with love,
maz.
Soo

Feb 27 09, 7:00 pm

14
Hi Tina,
If you’re in the general LA area, maybe I’ve seen you at the PAX seminars. So far I’ve taken 3, including Celebrating Men Satisfying Women, Understanding Women (with a guy), and the Queen course.

I’ve been a fan of Think Simple Now for 3 weeks. It was after the Queen course that I found your article on How to get over resentment. I found other articles that are just as honest and insightful. I’m so glad you decided to share your thoughts because I feel like you’re speaking directly to my heart.

So I just wanted to say thanks :)
And I look forward to hearing more,

Best,
Soo
Tina Su

Feb 27 09, 7:26 pm

15
Hi Maz

No, it is not true that “all men are retarded, and all nice guys are gay”.

Men are incredible Beings who communicates and are designed differently than women. But due to our lack of understanding of them, we treat them as if they are stupid. Hence, starting the unnecessary conflict between men and women.

It makes me sad to hear comments like this from women, because we don’t understand them, we put them down.

If you are in the US, I highly recommend taking an intro workshop with Alison Armstrong’s company “PAX” (understandmen.com). Contact me for more details.

At this point, I think you need to spend some time away from him or any relationships and spent time learning about and loving yourself. This will help to build up your inner strength and confidence.

Please, also, check out “How to Find True Love” and “How to Get Over Breakups”

Warmly,
Tina
Sridiniari
Mar 15 09, 9:49 pm

16
Tina, this is my favorite post of your blog.
Why? Because I sense that you’ve find realization on that day on November.
I have had insecurities too–much of it from my relationship with men.
I am sure this post will help more of them out there.
Just a few minutes ago, I print out this post and glued it to my journal of self development.
Thank you Tina…Thank you for being here, showing me the way…
ArtMuse
Mar 21 09, 2:20 pm

17
This is a powerful post, one that points to the obvious understanding that we are all connected, as women, and as human beings. Acknowledging our own needs, differences, and lack of knowledge is one step in the right direction towards finding balance.
Loving ourselves is the only way we can ever hope to love others, or to fulfill our greatest desires in a connected and durable relationships with someone else.
It has to start within ourselves.
…and we have to be open to change.

Tina and others have offered great resources (including Tina’s blogs and journal entries). I have also found a resource for women through Dr. Paul Dobransky. He has written several books, and one in particular, “The Power of Female Friendship”, is a powerful example of how our choices can determine the direction and quality of our lives and relationships. He also hosts an online forum at Womenshappiness.com
Good luck all of you with your journey to find love within yourselves, and relationships that inspire you to be the best and most productive and passionate women possible.
marc
Mar 23 09, 9:00 pm

18
Tina,

I broke up with my girlfriend (3 times) because we “didn’t work out”. I’ve been contemplating “why” for soo long. I still love her and miss her to no end, but she was very hurt and I didn’t want to damage her emotionally any more, so I honored her request to stay away. Reading this dependency topic has really struck a chord. I think one of the things that I disliked about her was her dependency and “neediness”, which would surface in many ways. I of course didn’t realize the underlying motivation behind it then, but probably she needed some validation from me that she was beautiful and special. Anyway, it was a turnoff and contributed to the separation.

Underneath it all, she has so much strength, life and love, and I wonder if time apart will open the door for us in the future, similar to how Avy here has been able to grow strong and find her true potential. Do I have reason to be hopeful?
Tina Su

Mar 23 09, 9:18 pm

19
Hi Marc,

I’ve found (within myself) that the more time I spend with myself, the more clarity I gain with my relationships with other people. The more comfortable I become with being alone, the more confident I become in my own skin, the less need I have to depend emotionally on another person, and this strengthens any romantic relationship that I do have.

So, yes, I believe that time apart can be helpful. However, if she decides to find another person quickly to fulfill those needs of validation, she will not have time to her self to learn to appreciate herself through spending alone time.

Perhaps the better thing to do, is to clearly communicate to her what you need, and before you do that, tell her all the qualities you love about her: “strength, life and love”.

You might even consider sending her this article, or link to it. It might help.

Warmly,
Tina
Abby

Mar 24 09, 9:40 pm

20
This is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
I’m kind of shocked; the words you used to describe how you were living are a picture of my current state of mind in relationships. I love that you shared this, and I look forward to using this new truth and perspective in my own life.

Thank you!
Amanda
Apr 06 09, 4:49 pm

21
I’ve read this post hundreds of times, maybe.

But only now a little light shined upon my head.

I fit all the characteristics of a needy person, not only in romantic relationships but actually all types of it.
Recently I decided to go to a therapist, and although I’m changing very slowly, I’m very hopeful that I’ll break my mental chains and be the person I always wanted to be: free, expressive and happy.

Btw, Tina, I consider you as one of the people who led me into the path to my self (re)discovery. Thank you so much :)
phil Paliani
Apr 28 09, 2:45 am

22
I to have this dependencey on my self worth about women i have been trying so hard to break away from this life style. I find my selfworth in direct coalation with who is on my arm. our article wasso to the point I will change this addiction and recover all my selworth. Phil
Rosy Idan

Apr 28 09, 8:44 pm

23
Love it :)
buni

Apr 29 09, 5:51 pm

24
i think ur right. right now, im 15 and in my sophomore year in high school. i absolutely hate it. theres also a guy in my life who is going off to be a marine and wants to marry me in a few years though we cannot legally date without messing up our lives. for some reason though i feel so insecure with this. i have been thru a lot with this guy and im so so afraid that something will go wrong and my dreams will be shattered (again). and at the same time i want to break from him and find a better love… but is there a better love for me? i need help from anyone. lately ive been looking up sights like this all over. i wish i had someone as romantic as me and someone who would do special things for me, alwayse be there, make me happy, be loyal, never make me question the love we share… i dont know… i need advise please :(
Tina Su

Apr 30 09, 4:39 am

25
Hi Buni,

My experience has been this:

Once I started doing special things for myself, loved myself, knew how to make myself happy without needing another person, trusted myself, and had security within myself, I started to attract lots of single men who wanted to give me those things.

It wasn’t until I started to love myself, felt secure and confident in my own skin, that these things truly happened for me.

If you are insecure within yourself, even if you had a guy who had all those qualities you described, you will still feel insecure, and this will eventually drive him away.

My advice: stop looking for love outside of yourself (for now), and focus within. Focus on building your self-confidence, get lost in doing things you love, take yourself out on dates, spend time with your friends. When the time is right, you will have so many people wanting to be in your life, you’ll have to start turning them away. :)

Warmly,
Tina
lily
May 05 09, 8:15 pm

26
Thank you! You took my thoughts and feelings and put them to words. I will carry this with me in my days because I need to :)
Josie
Jun 05 09, 9:12 pm

27
My name is josie i am 18 years old and every thing typed is me! I put all my self worth on other guys and drop everything i cared about before just for this one guy who i have idolized. they can be the biggest jerk but i have them up on this pedistal. i have not dated anyone for over a year and the year before this one was the worst for me i gave myself away to way too many people.. i hate what i did so i chose to stop drugs and my permiscuity. and now i am going to college to study to become a nurse. i still have a hard time with guys i will not let myself talk to them becuase i let my self get too far into it and then i start to obsses. When i was little my dad was the best dad in the world to me i loved him with all my heart,him and my mom divorced when i was two so going to visit him was all i knew, but as i grew up at age ten he moved in with a new wife and started a new family and soon forgot about me. He would call every now and then but the calls became scarce. On my 16th birthday he gave me $30 and decided to tell me that he did drugs and still does them. He has hurt me very bad but dont get me wrong my dad screwed me over and i did let it be an excuse for my drug use, bad grades, and permiscuity.. but when i turned 17 something happened one day i had an epiphany just like the one in the journal entry and i quit the drugs made honors at school and got into a good collge. So now i still have to find a way to deal with the depresion that my dad has bestowed upon me, and it is the hardest thing to deal with becuase i tryed to find that love i dont have from him in guys and now that i dont date i will find myself thinking about something me and my dad did when i was little and crying for a while, or i will even ask myself at times how could he leave me? or why he is the way he is? and i will feel deeply sorry for him becuase se is so messed up and he is missing out on me loving him. But at the end of the day I know who i am now and i know where i am going i have alot of work to do to get there, but i am ready!

—— Josie <3
Cash Caldwell
Jun 28 09, 11:58 pm

28
I just want to say thank you for your words of revelation. Every since my ex and I broke up I have been a mess. Seeking false love and short moments of joy. After having read your article I feel alive again… almost free. Of, course my eyes have just opened so my vision will be hazy. But they are open. Thank you helping me see… helping me beable to love again. For what are we with out it.

Thanks again,
Cash Caldwell
Ann Strong

Aug 01 09, 4:48 pm

29
Thank you for your vulnerability. You write so beautifully about what is in my own heart, but I haven’t wanted to say out loud. Thank you, Tina, for speaking for that part of me who didn’t dare. You help me love her more . . .
lidija
Aug 27 09, 12:24 pm

30
hi. I am a 19 year old girl and have been in a long-distance realitionship for a year now. This is my first long- term relationship and I am finding it really hard. In the beginnenig of the relationship my boyfriend seemed like the sweetest guy in the whole world. But no more and more of his true colors are beginning to show, he can be really selfish and really self-sentered sometimes. He asking my to give up some of my goals so that I can be with him and spend more time with him.before i fwlt like he apriciated me but now I feel like he is taking me for granted. He’s not mean to me or anything but it’s more the small things that hurt me. We fight a lot but he begs me to be with him and says that he loves more than anything and that he doesn’t want to lose me. But I don’t feel like he is the same person anymore. But still i can’t bring myself to leave him because I really do care about him and i love him but I don’t think this relationship is good for me. Why can’t he just be the same person that he was before and support me, i don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what else to do.

Does anyone have an opinion or any advice?
phylis
Sep 30 09, 12:27 am

31
hi i love everything that i have read it’s so encouraging.i will apply it in my daily life and in everything that i do thank you .
phylis
Sep 30 09, 12:29 am

32
loving and accepting yourself is a wonderful thing.
Hannah

Sep 30 09, 8:20 am

33
Hello Tina,

thanks to google that i found your site and your experiences reflects myself too. thanks for this website that it helps me realized a lot of things like relationships, love and the best of all loving myself.
canali
Oct 05 09, 4:47 pm

34
re: ”love your partner”….not so black and white my dear especially if one was abusive….best to go total NC and then later you can clear away the debris about loving one’s ex.
michael kamasia
Nov 18 09, 2:14 am

35
i have read your articles and i ha really realised that i am not the only one on this quarter life crisis. My problem is that i have had many relationships but i get bored and i never let them develop. i have been concentrating much on myself that i dont like my attention to be devided, as a result so many have been hurt in the process.
please discuss the transition between leaving lonliness and and longtime relationship.
mari
Dec 06 09, 9:03 pm

36
Time comes when you do`t have anymore tears to cry for yourself ,because is a hard world & tired to keep trying …..I really enjoyed your experience :)
Maryan
Dec 31 09, 1:57 am

37
Thank you for sharing, I actually recently went through a similar experience myself. Just left a three year relationship. I am a sophomore in college, and am going through some very trying experiences. Long story short, everyday is a growing experience where I’m trying to keep in mind the part of myself that I am trying to create/come back to.

One thing that I would like to point out was that though I agree with this article it doesn’t change the fact that there are times when we want to be loved not just by loving ourselves but wanting to share that with someone else and have them realize how truly special we are.
Maria
Feb 04 10, 3:46 am

38
You have spoken for me, this is how I am and thanks to you for sharing this as this journal of yours has made me realise that I need to let this side of me go and love myself first and enjoy life and live for the NOW!
Jamila
Feb 08 10, 9:47 pm

39
thank you
Bonnz
Feb 19 10, 6:59 am

40
This is so much relevant to me. You were writing this specifically for me.As I read I couldnt help being emotional. Im jumping from one relationship to the next simply because I want someone to marry me inorder to fulfil the customary expectations.In this quest to get married I have forgotten who I am and how to love myself. Maybe the guys are scared off by my pushing for commitment early in the affair. Just recently one dumped me by cutting off all forms of communication and I have no where t contact him.Did I act so desperate? Maybe… I guess I have a long way to go in learning to have me time and loving myself. Ypu really helped me to REALIZE.
Elizabeth Thomas
Feb 20 10, 9:28 am

41
yes.. you are absolutely right… when we lost in love, we seek safety in ourselves… and we must.. or else we will lose our mind forever.. afterall life is not just finding a man, it worths more than that.. we are born with some duties and utmost attention must be given to accomplish that goal.. life can be meaningless at times… but move on… something great is waiting for you on the other side of the door..
chetan pandey
Mar 08 10, 12:21 pm

42
HEY THIS IS A KIND OF ME I AM WATCHING IN YOU THIS DIARY BUT I WOULD ASK YOU FOR A FAVOUR THAT PLEASE IF YOU GET TIME SOMEDAY JUST TLL ME I NEED TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTION ABOUT MY PROBLEMS
I NEED HELP TO FIND MYSELF………….
Lyn
Apr 14 10, 3:18 pm

43
I am the exact same way, it’s eerie. When I’m in a relationship with someone I drop my entire life for them…

I am now afraid of being with anyone because I don’t want to be like that again. I want to be able to tell the person I’m with that I can’t go out because I would like to read a book by myself. Or if they have something they need to get done, I will allow them their own alone time. I won’t get upset that they don’t want to spend every single waking moment of their life with me.

I am now trying my hardest to love me for me.

I really am happy I found your blog!

Lyn
Mel
Apr 29 10, 12:40 am

44
WOW! Tina, I was just in depression, just like who you used to be. After watching “The countdown” episode of “The O.C.” Show, I got really sad, wishing that it were me, wishing that I had a man to be there for me. So I decided to search online (again, yet again) how to find love, a boyfriend. Than I stumbled on your article and after reading it, I felt inspired, en lighted, free. I was finally feeling helped and glad that there was some one out there who changed what their life was like to a better one.
Thank you soo much for writing this article because you just inspired me to change my life!
Gracious Ngwenya
May 13 10, 8:00 am

45
ah thank u very much,l wz rily touched Tina 4rm nw on l hv gt hope tht my tym wl come l rily leant a lot l wl adore n lv ma self 4rm nw on…may God bles you vry much
sujata
Jul 11 10, 8:19 am

46
love ur blogs….a pleasure readin it.
hiral
Sep 12 10, 8:04 am

47
Very inspirational indeed.
i love arts
Oct 24 10, 12:35 pm

48
wow.. i can feel your writing. i’ve had the same moment in my life. thank you for affirming what life should be about. truly inspiring.
Jade K
Nov 01 10, 2:39 am

49
Very in powering diary page on November 19, 2006, thank you so much for sharing with us, after reading that, i already feel self inspiration & stuff that i need to work on. thanks again tina, you’re a legend.
BL
Nov 07 10, 9:19 am

50
Hi Tina, thank you for sharing your journey. I’m in my mid 30s, just lost a relationship that’s with me for 10 years. I don’t hate my ex, we’re still friends and i appreciated his honesty in his feelings, that’s why i decided to let him go. Now, i’m in the process of healing. At times, i feel highly insecured. I’m afraid of being alone and that’s what make me started dating again. I get defeated everytime a date didn’t turn out right or when the person is just not into me. It’s like almost testifying again why relationship didn’t work out for me at all and definitely a blow to my ego and self esteem. Your article have been insightful, but i think it takes a lot of effort to work on loving oneself and not feeling nervous about not being able to find that right man and to stop having the thought of being alone for the rest of your life. However, i will give it a try and stop finding love in all the wrong places. I will try to do what pleases me and hopefully, life have it’s surprise for me. Thank you again.

Thks.
BL
Suzan
Nov 14 10, 5:44 am

51
Thank you… Simple words yet I cant find anything else to say
my journey to me is starting right this minute….
Mjm

Nov 27 10, 5:29 pm

52
What an epiphany! Life is amazing when it hits us over the head like this. Sharing your story inspires me and will bridge others to find happiness. Thanks Tina, I’m glad I found your words.
Matt Davis

Nov 30 10, 2:32 pm

53
Thank you so much Tina… you truly are an inspiration, and a wonderful woman.. you have a gift of generating a LOT of power through small writings…

Yours in kindness,

Matt
Gerome Padilla

Dec 02 10, 4:34 am

54
amazing,, inspiring and very wonderful story,, about LOVE,,
Thank You for the LOVE you gave to us!!!

BEST WISHES!!!!

^^
Marlene P.
Dec 13 10, 10:28 am

55
I needed this. This post opened my eyes. I can relate completely. It finally helped me realize the missing piece to my puzzle. I actually cried :). Just thank you. Thank you for sharing this. Love and Blessings!
tara
Dec 17 10, 6:49 am

56
hey i read your story.its funny that most girls go through the same phase of LOVE. i am a literature student and oh god have read so many romantic stories by now. i dont agree with you at all. u were in a rush and so u end up choosing wrong guys. True love exists. dont be so dejected. when god created this beautiful world he made sure he/she should not be deprived of love. in ur case i guess u had a picture of ur ideal mate and thats y u ended up meeting all wrong guys. destroy that perfect partner in ur head and then see u will meet ur soulmate for true and very soon.
peter little
Feb 13 11, 7:59 am

57
Live with the big heart you’re born with! WOW! Considering the possiblity of loving with a pure untainted heart, I do believe you may have stubbled upon the key to world peace. If we could allow our hearts to return to that state of being, unfortunitly we rush to heal our wounds and return to the field of battle wearing our scars like a badge of honor.
The newly beating heart that has only love for all people and feelings it encounters, not a new concept but what a powerful why of expressing it. Thank you for the inspiration and wonderful new goal.
Zhel
Feb 17 11, 12:33 am

58
very very true! I experienced it, too… Thanks! Very touching!
Christian
Mar 02 11, 2:29 am

59
Although I do not know you, nor will I ever meet you in person, please know this:

-For whatever reasons, and for those which led me to this place tonight, you will both now, and forever, constitute one of the unknown forces that has forever changed my life and my appreciation of it therein.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart and soul. I will forever hold this random and chance happening within my memory and essence. I can finally see the light within the darkness.

You saved me…from not only death and sorrow, but from giving up entirely. You’ll never truly know how much your words – composed and written by a complete and utter stranger – have meant to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

// C.
Julia
Mar 19 11, 7:46 pm

60
Your articles and stories are beautiful, speak the truth, and exactly when I need in this difficult, transitional, yet hopeful period of my life.
Cathy Lusaggi
Apr 04 11, 5:32 am

61
very inspiring!!!
Tessa Thompson

Apr 04 11, 8:49 pm

62
This is incredible! It’s that confidence that we need to grab life and tell it where we want to be, not the other way around. What is life, if not a quest for love and true happiness? How does one find themselves if they do not harness the hope to find who they are in order to subsequently find these two major goals we all must find in life? Sixteen years is just the beginning, but I feel like they’ve already been stolen from me. I never want to sit another day and be unhappy, I want to know where I stand. I want love. I want happiness. Thank you for this article. Hats off to all awe inspiring things people have to say.
justme
May 02 11, 1:07 pm

63
thank you!!!
what you wrote is so honest and accurate of how i feel but your realisation has now become mine!
Joe
Jun 06 11, 1:49 pm

64
Wow you have me down to a T there, Just broke up with my parner of just over 2 years & one before that whom i had a child with that relationship lasted about 5 & its just crushed me. I’ve been going down hill ever since & i find there is no trust with most people of this day & age cause everyone is to busy ither worrying about losing what they have or just lieing about almost everything. For me its like most of my life has just been one big fat lie! But i guess there is still some hope if you have escaped this horrible loop. Just not so sure i have the strenth anymore to keep fighting on.
Janeth
Jun 11 11, 5:42 am

65
Dear Tina,
Thanks for being a role model and giving me a reason to love myself. I have faced similar trouble knowing myself and have sacrificed alot to see other people happy.

I gave everything i had to see him happy and in return was all kinds of dissappointments and pain. He even went away cheating on me and could still forgive him..now i have learned so much from you that encourages me to face my life in a different perspective.

Thanks once again i am really grateful!

cheers
Janeth
siddu
Jun 27 11, 8:35 am

66
hii Tina…

nice to see ur blog…!!
As i was going through ur blog, u said that “should not go for sex in dating time”.

may i know the results if had sex in the dating time..plz..!!

regardz,
siddu.!
Kily
Jun 27 11, 6:14 pm

67
Hi ,

My life is somehow the same. I feel lonely and want someone to complete me. I have never had a boyfriend. I always wanted to but I don’t know why I have not had one yet. I have gone thorugh alot in my life. I am just insecure and do not get into relationships since my parents had an unhappy marriage and divorce. The realtionship I had got into betrayed me and I again moved to a different country. I have to continuously adjust and sacrafice. I want to now find the one. Even if a guy asks me out, I simply say no. I really do not know why I say no even though I like a person.
saba
Jul 02 11, 6:05 am

68
amazing insights ..i feel free n want to love myself ..
Angela Prentice
Jul 22 11, 8:05 am

69
Hello Tina
Ive just been reading the extract from your journal- the day when you became a’complete ‘person.I feel almost silly writing this because at the age of 55 I am still struggling- and I do really mean struggling to become one. I have been in an unhappy relationship with a younger mentally ill Frenchman,and living on my own in France since my marriage broke up. My reluctance to leave this man has arisen due to my intense fear of being alone, nothing new in that one. Time and time again we’ve rowed I’ve sloped off and we’ve always got back togther. So much so that I’ve begin to convince myself that although the relationship is far from normal or perfect, anything is better than nothing. I can’t believe that I could even think like that! My biggest problem is that I don’t have any friends here. Anything that has showed promise has never developed because he has always been number 1- so really it is a vicious circle! How can I find the courage to make a clean break and to put up with the loneliness I know I’ll have to endure?
maelza
Aug 05 11, 4:09 am

70
oh! ur story is amazing and i’ve gained something from u well done
Eddie Smith
Aug 07 11, 8:19 pm

71
Everything that I just read sounds just like me and everything that i have been going through in my life it is really an eye opener.
It is so hard to walk away from someone that you love even though you know nothing good will ever come from the relationship.
What can I do to make the heart ache not be so painful?
ankur
Aug 15 11, 1:59 pm

72
All the pain that you were being caused was because of your efforts to please them through self abnegation, truely judged.
But what was causing that were the goals that you had set for yourself – to find a perfect partner. But when one sets a goal, than it doesn’t matter what one uses to accomplish that – others or even self – one remains under the order of the goal. That is why the way I see at anything is that, one not only needs to be free from others but also from SELF. Its self that is our biggest enemy. It has all our past in it and it grabs our true essence. Inevitably our mind becomes our ruler and that’s why we find it difficult to judge things. But to find love is to liberate, liberate from self, from the goals you’ve set for yourSELF. silence is the key…….
Betty
Aug 16 11, 7:21 am

73
Dear Tina,

Wow! Who would’ve thought I would find this very personal insight on the internet (how did people survive before the internet?…. really?).

I am yet another person who has placed my whole worth on my relationship. I have started to realise it is causing problems and I am definitely become less attractive to him because of it.

My question to you is, do you think I can learn to love myself whilst I am still in this relationship?

I do not want to break up with my boyfriend because I love him and believe he is the one I want to end up with (I feel extremely lucky I found him).

It’s funny because I never thought of myself as not loving myself- I am very confident in my personality and abilities. But for some reason I rarely enjoy my own time. I always seek to fill it up with something (e.g. work, art and friends) whilst I am waiting for my boyfriend’s time to free up for me- and then I demand his full attention.

I also lived overseas in Europe by myself for 6 months (during this relationship). Whilst I was away I really enjoyed myself but when I came home again it was back to the usual. My full attention on him. I definitely feel my self worth is measured by the attention he gives me. The best time I have ever had was when we went over to Asia together and it was just me and him. I loved it.

My second question is, do you know if they run that PAX program over in Australia (where I live) or something similar?

Thank you very much for sharing this post with everyone. I really hope you get the time to answer my questions.

P.S. congrats on getting married!
Diane Cox

Sep 04 11, 11:58 am

74
I love this insight, which comes to so many of us, and which we so easily forget.
Therese
Sep 11 11, 3:00 am

75
This was me down to a T. It is no all of who i am anymore but will always be a part me. My journey now comes in accepting this self destructive part with love so I may become a whole all on my own…
namrata
Sep 26 11, 12:41 pm

76
hi tina,
i dont know what to say and how to express exactly how i m feeling right now but THANK YOU for making me today on 27th september, 2011 that whats the thing which is making me feel so unhappy from with in….
i always n always expected my partner to make me feel good….
today i’ll be atarting my journey of self realization….i love my guy very much and since i dont want to loose him again i want to be satisfied from within so that i can love him without being selfish and self centred which i know i have become…
now i know whats missing
thanks
Lesma
Oct 05 11, 6:25 pm

77
Hi Tina,

I’m absolutely impressed by your post. They reflect so perfectly what I thought, believed and felt.

Cheers,
Lesma
Lutendo R
Oct 07 11, 11:06 pm

78
I visited this site to try and retrieve answers on how to comfort a friend who’s going through some sort of heartbreak,or rather heartache…but in the three odd minutes of reading this article I think I’ve learnt a lot about how we all having a certain likeness in that we all experience the same feelingS,feelings of insecurities,lack of self worth and this strong dependency on others for our self worth this has in turn educated me about who I am too…we get into relationships and somehow convince ourselves that they are our only alternative and we stay in them cause once again we manage to convince ourselves that we are the “lucky ones” to be in these relationshipS…but how great really is a relationship if it just manageS to stay above the water while we on the other hand are drowning…I now understand that only after we’ve embarked on a personal relationship with ourselves,only after we believe that we deserve and need not to settle can we then build happy and health relationships with others…
Gasto Makoi
Oct 18 11, 6:19 am

79
I passed the same life challenges as u.I have learn some thing from u, that makes me to identify the potentials that God has put in me and use them in order to improve my life and not depending on others.God bless u
Sarah
Nov 20 11, 8:56 pm

80
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed to hear that. That has been me for the last 8 years. I’m 30 years old moving out of state to finally do something I’ve always wanted to do and I am actually single. Being single threw me for a loop though. I didn’t know what to do with myself and became a little destructive with it for a while. I’m finally taking that step to better ME, but theres always that twinge of wanting someone in my life. What I’m realizing though is that, that man of my dreams isn’t going to happen unless I totally find myself and my own identity. Thank you for this. It’s very encouraging. :-)
Prince
Nov 29 11, 6:32 am

81
luv this. sure I’ve bin inspire!
Michelle
Dec 10 11, 6:06 am

82
Wow. So I’m not the only one who does that. Inspiring.
sugar
Jan 09 12, 2:25 am

83
i was randomly surfing when i found this article.. n reading it made me feel like i ws reading abt myself. my dad told me that my low self esteem has always caused me to wnt to belong somewhere in a group or with some1.. n i never understood the connection between the 2. But now i understand and i feel that now i understand myself better.. thankyou :)
Keara
Jan 15 12, 8:17 pm

84
:’-)..woow this women was me to a “T”….and it took me going into depression,my hair falling out and me crying in my sleep to the point my face was as if I had been stung by a hundred bees to see and understand that my self worth is Not in a man its in me….but just as yourself I am very thanking that the women I am is not justfied by a man having to be in my life, right by my side…its freedom :-) to know that I don’t have to live a life trying to feel accepted, and appreciated but know and understand that I’m not living life for a man but for myself and with this found confidence in who I am, I now the can be patient and not rush…all of my girl friends are married and have kids so I use to be what is wrong with me…and that is obviously not the case :-)…#patiently waiting
Júlia
Jan 26 12, 6:31 pm

85
I loved reading this. You seem like really worthy meeting.
D'vayo
Jan 28 12, 1:56 am

86
woow! Am a guy n we too sometimes go through these things. Tina, what else can i say coz u really inspired me to the core of my heart. Its like u are speaking to my heart. Keep up the good work!!!
Michael pillos
Mar 01 12, 3:29 pm

87
I think Iam in love with you :) Seriously… thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have a great point of view that i will gain from but i think faith has a lot to do with real love as well.. Iam still stragling to find an answer.
wade
Mar 06 12, 6:48 am

88
The heart is the wellspring of the soul, guard your heart with all that matters”
New International Version (©1984)

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
New Living Translation (©2007)

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

We just sometimes have to get beataon up a little for this to sink in.
Tricia
Mar 13 12, 10:50 pm

89
Hi and Thank you.
I am glad i searched for some answers to my pain. I am glad i came across this. I trust in nothing and no one but i know it is time that i started to trust something and this advice seems logical and positive. I will learn to love myself and follow the advice of this subject. Only good can come of this. If the universe will grant me with just one chance to find true love, I promise I will not squander it. Although deep in my heart i believe that love is not meant for me, I hope in time that this feeling will change. I hope in time that this feeling of not being good enough will pass and hopefully i will be able to help someone else one day. To anyone else that feels this way, you are not alone and i pray that one day things will change for you also. Thank you again. :)
wendy
Mar 24 12, 10:05 am

90
wow….that was beautiful… that was all soooo deep………
EC
Apr 01 12, 1:16 am

91
Tina,
Ur words are so inspiring and so true. It’s been a year since I broke up with my boyfriend. I keep reading books and blogs to keep me positive but at times you do feel down, you miss the person you once loved so much….after all you are human with feelings. These words are helpful when you read them and thank you so much for sharing but what do you when you start going back to the past. I try to switch off but can’t. Please help!
Gabriella Moothart
Apr 07 12, 4:51 am

92
Thank you….I am most honestly grateful for your journal peice. I have know to love myself as should I others but now I feel like I understand the full reality of that meanin and phrase. Again. Thank you so much.
aj
Apr 19 12, 1:35 am

93
what u realized was self love. but still, self love cannot fill the hollowness completely ! i was reading your text to find an answer but still i am left unanswered. I have realized the importance of self love , despite that i need someone to love me , my quest for true love is on !!! can you give a more relevant( to my question) explaination.
VICKY
Jun 03 12, 4:33 am

94
Hi all said and good however the most important part of this self healing deal is missed;how do i start loving myself? what are those things or steps that i need to take in order to love myself and still fulfill my beingness? pls higlight this steps or else we might be going round in circle. T he most touching is that at 50 plus we all are still searching for the tue love ans we all need the second half to fill complete and to deny this is just not facing reality, because we were created to be in relationship and it is tru this that you can identify yourself and know your true worth.Pls help us all by explaining what needs to be done.
Melisa
Jul 20 12, 1:51 pm

95
Thank you for this Tina.
Tony
Sep 03 12, 10:23 am

96
I want to say Thank You…
Reading this was like a slap in the face for me. Your words are literally going to change my life. I have been really struggling with my identity and self-worth. I had pretty much given up on love. I have been very lonely, and after reading this I have realized that I’ve isolated myself from the people that are here for me. I find it amazing that I ran across this article today because just last night I was praying for some kind of help or guidance. I used to look in the mirror and hate the person I would see. Now, I see a glimmer of hope that can only get bigger because I will not give up anymore. From the bottom of my big heart that I was born with…Thank You!

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Insecurities: A Slice From My Diary

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