How to Make Profound and Lasting Change
Is there an area of your life that you would like to change? Is there an area of your life you’ve tried changing, made some progress but somehow ended up in the same spot you started in?
Maybe you want to lose weight; you want to improve your temper; you want to control your web browsing addictions; to be a better parent; or in my case, to wake up early and to exercise regularly. Often, I’ve found myself struggling when revisiting the subject.
I came across a google talk of Professor Srikumar Rao. His mission is to help highly intelligent people find meaning in their lives. His talk deeply moved me and I knew instantly that I had to share with you. The following are part one of my notes, along with what I learned from this talk.
Learning New Concepts
Before we dig into making profound and lasting change, here’s a caveat on learning new concepts.
When we are introduced to new concepts, our mind tends to seek out ways that it will fail. Automatically, we think of reasons why this isn’t true. Of course, if you push hard enough every statement a person can say will crumble. However, just as equally, the models we are currently using which we have not subjected to the same scrutiny will too crumble.
The question is not to ask whether something is true or false, right or wrong, good or bad. The question to ask is: Does this work for me better for my life than what I am presently using?
If the answer is yes, use it. If not, don’t waste your time and energy judging it, because it may be useful to you at a later time.
Profound Change
There may be things present in our lives and our habits that we are not happy about. We want change, yet as hard as we try, sometimes, we are just not seeing the level of profound change we desire.
As it turns out, real behavior changes are very difficult to bring about by effort of will alone. Often times you will fail, yet even if you succeeded, there can be negative side effects. A solution to this that brings about profound change is to change our mental models, which will change the way we look at the world.
When this happens, change will rise naturally out of us.
Three Important Building Blocks
Before this change happens, we need to understand three important building blocks. They are the basis for tools that will help us transform problems and unhappiness to a life of meaning and happiness.
1. Mental Chatter
Our mental chatter is the internal dialog that is going on in our heads at all times. Our thoughts run an endless stream from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed. Thoughts are flowing through your mind right now as you read this. What is she talking about? That’s a tall order they’re claiming, isn’t it? Gosh, what am I going have for dinner?
Sometimes our mental chatter is so loud that it prevents us from sleeping. It has been with us and apart of our lives for so long, that we have learned to ignore it. However, what we don’t realize is that our mental chatter and mental models are what we use to create our lives.
We think that we are given a set of things that is our reality, but that is not really the case. We construct it with our mental chatter. Much of the time, we are building it without knowing that this is what we are doing.
Be aware that we have mental chatter and recognize that the voice in our head is not us. Our mental chatter often works against us and is highly dysfunctional. This is the voice that talks down to us, challenges our self-esteem and is the source that limits our infinite potential.
2. Mental Models
A mental model is our belief of how the world works. We say, this is the way the world works. Mental models can be very useful because they simplify our lives and save us mental energy. Each of us has many mental models. For example, we have mental models for how to find a date; mental models for how to pick a movie; mental models for how to find a good restaurant.
The problem is not that we have mental models, but that we don’t recognize we have mental models. We think this is how the world works. But, this is not how the world works; this is our perception of how the world works, built in our mind.
The interesting thing about mental models is that the moment we have a mental model defined, the universe cooperates and gives you enough evidence that this is in fact the way it is working. You notice and take account of the positive evidence, and make excuses when evidence does not fit your model.
Every time you find yourself unhappy with something in your life, you can always trace it back to one or more mental models which are not serving you very well.
3. Me-Centered Universe
Most of us have a habit of living in a Me Centered Universe. We interpret everything that happens in terms of, What impact does it have on me?
For example, If our spouse gets a new job, we instantly think of how we can benefit from it. If our kids were to drop out of school, we instantly think of what our neighbors and friends will think of me?
It’s worthwhile to take a moment to think about this. How much of the time do you live in a Me Centered Universe? Where regardless of what happens, the first thing we think about is in terms of What is its impact on me?
If you spend a dominate amount of time in the Me Centered Universe, you are guaranteed to find more than your share of frustrations, of pain, of suffering, of life sucks. They come with the territory of being in a Me Centered Universe.
The only way you can live a completely fulfilled life is to design your life such that what you are doing aligns with something which will bring greater good to a greater community. You are the one who gets to define what the greater good means and what the greater community means.
The good news is that once you recognize this, it is not that hard to make a shift.
Photo by Zara Jay
Living in The Matrix
Given the building blocks above, let’s entertain an idea: All of us are living in a dream world. We are all living in The Matrix, except we don’t realize it. We believe that this is the real world, and as such, what we perceive as reality becomes definite and fixed. But is this necessary?
The answer is no, of course not. We have the power to choose what our reality is, because we are the captains of our perception.
Steps for Altering Your Reality: An Exercise
Try this simple yet powerful exercise. You can do this in a group of 2 or 3, or you can do it on your own.
- Articulate a reality – In your life, you have something of concern to you, right now. Around this concern, you have crafted a reality. You say, this is what it is. Now, articulate this reality. Write it down if you are working on your own. Every detail and every assumption.
- Craft an alternative reality – Come up with a possible alternative reality. This alternative reality must meet two criteria:
- It has to be better than the one you were describing, the one you are presently using.
- It has to be a reality that you can plausibly believe, on some level.
- Start living as if your alternative reality were THE reality – when you start to do this, you will find two things happening:
- You will get lots of evidence saying: it’s not working. It’s not working. I guarantee you will. Just ignore that. Remember? Your mind is not you.
- You will get lots of evidence saying: It’s working! It’s working! – Recognize and celebrate it.
- Write it down – When you get evidence that it is working, do more than celebrating it. Make sure you record it down. Write it down. This is a very important step. There will be a natural laziness that comes into play whispering in your ears that you will remember it. But you won’t remember. Make sure to carry a note book or notepad with you at all times.
If you consistently write down evidence that your alternative reality is working, you will find over time that, as you review your words, there is a shift happening. Slowly, your alternative reality becomes your new reality. You will find that your life has changed, for the better. And that you are living in a different reality than the one you were in before.
When we craft a statement that says this is where we are and we are stuck here. What we are doing is expressing the reality of our lives. The thing to recognize here is: It is a reality, but we treat it as if it is the reality.
Once we define our lives as Yes, I can do all these things. Then suddenly, ways will be shown to you such that you can do it.
This alternative reality exercise is very powerful, because it can get you out of the straight jacket that you’ve put on. Over time, it’s not just an exercise anymore, but it becomes who you are.
Other Tips
In addition to the building blocks and alternative reality exercise above, here are some tips for making habitual changes in your life.
- Focus on just one – It’s challenging enough to make one habitual change, it’s even tougher if you try to divide your attention to make multiple drastic changes at the same time. I’ve successfully tried and failed at this. Give yourself at least 3 weeks of total concentration to change one reality before moving on to the next area of your life. Give yourself more time if you need. Some deep rooted realities can take months to undo.
- Mutual Support – Be around positive, uplifting and supportive people. Share with them your wins, joys and celebrations. It’s a great idea to form empowerment groups around you to discuss issues like this and to support each other in your personal growth. If you have a spouse, team up with them and make this a fun time to connect with one other.
- Understand Why – Be clear and specific on the why you want change. Motivation is the intrinsic drive which moves us into action and to ultimately change for the better. Motivation is created when our motives are clear. Fully understand the results of such change and results of no change. Write them down.
- Be Inspired – Spent at least 10 minutes every day reading or listening to something positive and empowering that inspires you. There is so much junk out there in our media heavy society, that if we don’t take the steps to surround ourselves with positive messages of hope, it’s easy to get sucked in to what we’re being exposed to. I’ve found this little video to be an uplifting thing to watch in the morning.
- Reward & Celebration – I can’t stress this point enough, as I am guilty of not rewarding myself for Wins (because I’m too busy beating myself up over what I haven’t done yet). I recommend physical celebrations, because those tend to leave lasting marks on our unconscious mind. Give a high-five! Jump up and down! Do a happy dance! Reward yourself and treat yourself to something nice, like ice-cream or a movie.
My focus for this week is to become an early riser. My present reality is: I can’t possibly sleep early, I’m not sleepy before midnight. I’m creative at night, so why change that? Besides, I can’t hear my alarm in the morning anyways. My alternative reality is: it is possible to sleep before mid night, it is possible to turn off all electronics by 10pm and I can get up before 7am every morning. :)
Wish me success!
What in your life would you like to change most? Alternatively, is there something of concern to you right now? What is that reality? What is a believable alternative reality? See you in the comments. Talk soon!
Great post and something I’ve believed in for a long time. That is, you have to first believe a better life is possible if you want to live a better life.
When we think about what we want from the future and constantly focus on that goal, working towards that goal will become a habit and a part of our daily lives. Even without us being conscious of it, our desire for a better life will affect our thoughts, our body language and the choices we make.
Keep up the great posts and what a great site (I only found you today).
This post is truly profound!
These points will really help to achieve positive changes and making our life much better and more satisfying.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tina,
Excellent Article.
Alternate Reality is a good suggestion.
Right now,my reality is : I can’t possibly get a fulltime job and suffering in beach.
Alternate Reality:
I will get a fulltime job asap and settle down peacefully with my family being with me all the time.
Thanks for sharing.
Best Wishes,
Kannan Viswagandhi
http://www.growing-self.blogspot.com
This comment is in response to the graphic at the top with the “You Are Beautiful” sign. I wanted to mention that this message has been adopted by an art collective in Chicago and has been posted as billboards, stickers and signs throughout the country.
It is always nice to have a little reminder.
Have a look at their project & pick up some stickers of your own:
http://www.you-are-beautiful.com/
Look, i had 105 article to process in my rss feeds, and this one was the first one.
Let me tell you that i stopped everything i was doing, music, and focused… THANK YOU!
Now is the time to work on the reality that i want!
The most surprising thing I learned about lasting change is that you have to make it “feel good.” If you reduce friction and find a way to feel good, it’s sustainable.
Thanks for the Secret video. Continue the great value you are adding to this world.
I would say that all the wonderful ideas you mentioned can be twisted and narrowed down to this:
Definitions we give to things are tremendously important. In fact, they are so vastly significant that it is one of the top secrets of the universe! When you change your thoughts, beliefs, definitions, perspectives, expectations or your imagination/visualization, then you change your experience.
But it is good that you spoke about all the twists and explanations fully because it hard to see unless it is explained fully through these creative ideas! You can NOT say it is all: your thoughts, beliefs, definitions, perspectives, expectations, imagination/visualization. Most would not understand. So thank you for your clever ideas Tina! :)
You truly are an inspiration and beacon of light!
Thank you so much for this article. It led me to Prof. Rao’s talk which resonated strongly with me. Although I have a good job and have just started a great relationship, I continue to be plagued by insecurities – that I wasn’t working up to my potential, that I was not driven enough, that I wasn’t contributing, that I wasn’t growing… Just last week I had poured out a “poor me” e-mail that essentially declared that if I could change what I was doing I’d be happy, finally.
Of course, I also knew it was not true, as that’s the pattern I have repeated 4 or 5 times now, and while the beginnings after the change are always good, I fall back into my old ways. It was Prof. Rao’s talk which opened my eyes to the pitfalls I’d laid out for myself.
I’ve been looking for a way to get myself out of this unproductive cycle and for the first time I feel positive. This approach is close to my own Buddhist-based philosophies and fits what I’ve been going through recently. Thank you again.
Send us an email to info@themethod.tv and we will let you know when THE METHOD (a motion picture based on Dr. Srikumar Rao’s work) becomes available.
The Method team.
I think change is almost everywhere now. The economy is forcing us to change the way we look, eat, sleep or maybe survive. Thanks for your thought provoking article.
Very insightful and encouraging article Zara. Great work. You have shown has some great ways to make lasting change given us renewed hope. Thank you
Hey Tina,
Live in the now and you can enjoy life to its fullest potential.
Living in a me-centered universe filled with mental models is like living in a Matrix. You’re absorbed in pre-determined rules, and when they aren’t fulfilled (often), you’re not happy.
People should be this way! The best type of weather is this kind! Well, people are diverse, and they’ll live how they live despite what you’d want them to do. And no one has come up with a way to control weather… yet.
So then what? Are you going to get upset every time people live differently, or the weather isn’t how you want it to be? You’re going to be upset quite often.
By giving up control of those things (eliminating mental models), you roll with the punches. Whatever life throws at you, you find a way to work with it. Rather than expecting the world to cater to you, you exist in the world itself, whatever form it might be on a given day.
You stop expecting, and start experiencing. Any type of person or weather can become great, and you can’t get upset about them not fitting in a mental model, since you don’t have them anymore.
You live life to the fullest, filled to the brim with happiness.
Great article about breaking out of the Matrix and really living life,
Oleg
I absolutely adore reading your articles, the fashion of writing is outstanding.This post as usual was informative, I have had to bookmark your website and subscribe to your feed in feedmaker. Your blog looks fantastic.
love this article..i needed this
Hey,
That was a really good post. The alternate reality section really resonated with a quote I used to say to myself in the past. I can’t remember it exactly or who it was by (anyone knows feel free to let me know) it says in order to achieve something you have to believe it is possible. I realised I was trying to achieve things that I believed weren’t even possible which of course lead to a lot of heartache and frustration and wasted time so I concentrated on my beliefs and good changes happened. I think I got out of this habit though. Thank you for reminding me and explaining it so quickly and clearly.
Sarah.
This was a great post and all the comments it initiated were also helpful to me. At a time where I’m making profound change in my life I keep having to search for what works best for me, which in of itself constantly changes. This is helpful and I am making steps toward a much more aggregated “we centered” universe. very well written, thank you.
Very good article. I am trying to wake up early in the morning. Now going to sleep early. I will wake up with new goals and aspirations of tomorrow.
Thank you.