3 Lessons on Creating Trust

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Photo by EDUARDO IZQUIERDO

My husband and I have been considering buying a house but knew we had some hurdles that might make it unlikely. We contacted a loan officer who worked with us and gave us a positive opinion. We were absolutely thrilled and started looking at homes.

It turned out, however, that he’d processed some incorrect information and we might not be able to get a loan this year after all.

To say we were bummed out would be an understatement. Both of us tried to see the positive side but couldn’t seem to shake our disappointment.

Neither of us wanted to talk about it, but finally I brought it up.

“Maybe this is exactly what’s supposed to be happening to us right now. Remember how we didn’t get the first house we wanted to rent? And we ended up with this killer house on a dead-end street next to the ocean for less money? That ended well, right?”

Opportunities for Trust

My husband agreed and we started talking about our Plan B. I agreed to postpone my overseas vacation until next year when we’d likely be able to buy. He decided that he didn’t need to buy a new mountain bike this year. We’d make it happen — it just might take a little longer.

Later that day I got an email from our loan officer. He did a little digging and it turned out there was a way for us to buy a house this year!

Life is full of opportunities to trust. Whether it’s trusting the universe, trusting yourself or trusting others, without trust life can seem very unpredictable, scary or just unfair.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized I had a problem with trust. I’d withhold it from those who deserved it (including myself) and give it freely to those who had never earned it. Over these years I’ve worked hard to change that and have a few takeaways I’d like to share.

You Are The First Person Who Deserves Your Trust

Maybe you don’t agree with this. Perhaps you think you’ve messed up too many times or maybe you’ve been told you’re untrustworthy. Lord knows that was the case with me.

The thing to remember is that you’ve got an opportunity to prove yourself every single day as long as you give yourself a chance. Too many people, myself included, believe they’re incapable of making the right decisions, choosing the right path.

But as a good friend of mine once said, “You’re exactly where you need to be right now.”

All of your choices up to now were made with the information you had then. Mistakes are judgments applied in hindsight. Open your mind to trust.

If you have one mantra during this time, it should be I trust myself. Start small. I trust myself to chop these vegetables. I trust myself select the right water temperature in my shower.

It might seem silly, but these small blocks help you build up to the bigger ones — interviewing for that dream job, painting your masterpiece, backpacking across Europe.

I would’ve never been able to start my business without trusting myself, and that started with a knowledge that I work hard. I can trust myself to do that.

It Takes Time to Build Trust

Because you’ve got to start small with trust, it usually doesn’t happen all in a week or even a month. It took years to be able to trust myself. Some of that was because it was connected to some basic beliefs I had about myself.

Another big reason is because trust is based on showing, not telling. So while your mantra should be I trust myself, remember you’ve got to have a reason to trust yourself. And the small things may come easy: grocery shopping, paying your bills, working out.

The bigger things don’t happen as often. You’re probably not tempted to embezzle from your company or cheat on your spouse every day.

When you choose to take the high road, it will definitely feel good and reinforce your trust in yourself, but it generally takes longer to develop.

This is probably for good reason. It takes a while to process something of that caliber. Situations like that often come with other trauma or drama that can take a lot out of you. It might take months before you can pat yourself on the back and draw on that experience in a positive way.

But once you’ve gotten past that, you know you’re good. I can think back on ways I’ve been really tempted and took the high road — I know that while it was hard to refuse, it just gets easier, because I trust myself to make the right choice.

Trust Begets Trust Begets Trust

An old housemate of mine told me how her girlfriend would tell her “I trust you,” whenever they went out without each other. She said it made her feel secure and worry less about the relationship.

You’ve probably heard someone say, “How can you love someone else if you can’t love yourself?” The same is true about trust, which is why I made my point above. But once you’ve started to trust yourself, it becomes a domino effect — a cycle.

Trust leaks into the way you live your life. So if you can trust yourself, you’re more likely to trust other people. And when you trust other people, they’re more likely to trust you.

And when you’re all trusting each other, you stop trying to control everything and everyone and start trusting the universe.

It’s sort of like the rule of threes: Whatever you give comes back to you three times. Peace, harmony and light seem to come easily when you trust that everything unfolds exactly the way it’s supposed to.

I’m not suggesting you sit idly by while life happens; you can still make goals and strive! Just add trust to your repertoire.

What have you learned about trust? Tell us in the comments!