Dealing with Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Photo by Kara Pecknold
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
- “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
- “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
Ha. I initially misread ‘Go for a Run … ‘ as ‘Go for a Gun … ‘ ;-)
But what about dealing with manipulative people? (I’d say run… quickly ;)
i gotta say this is complete bullshit. im not joking. you are way too passive, like homedude said above, much more constructively than i am willing to. if you dont assert your opinion you are a fucking doormat. I wont be checking back waiting with baited breath for a response, you can get away with not responding to my comment. ignoring this sort of mentality, however, is a deep character flaw.
your advice sucks
Like Nathalie above, I used to just shut down or immediately assume I’d done something wrong and try to make it right and please the other person.
Now I’m learning that if someone is pissed off, it’s not the end of the world and that it’s not my responsibility to make it right. If necessary, I will apologize for an ill-thought out action or sentence, but then I leave it (or at least try to leave it – I’m still working on not being Mr Fixer).
It’s a challenge to change behaviours after 39 years of doing it one way, but it works much better!
Thanks for the reminder with the list!
Alex
In the words of J Lennon “Imagine”.
If people only were more conciderate
Being passive is perfectly fine, if you can vent your anger and negative feelings after the arguement.
Finding the balance between passive and being assertive is one of the most difficult things for me at the moment. I agree with Zach that if I’m not confronting other people with their behaviour (for example colleagues talking me down, stepping on my toes to show how well they do) they are forming a mental image about me that is incorrect and allows them to continue that behaviour.
Being brought up with the attitude to ‘always be nice and fair (yes, no matter what)’ I am usually not ‘quick’ enough to respond assertively – I usually obeserve, not respond, pour honey, make a joke (in no particulair order) After I have given myself time to assess and debate the situation, and I feel it is necessary, I confront the other person in a honest and fair way (or so I try :) ). Usually starting the sentence with: hey, do you remember we were talking about xxx the other day, I was thinking about it and I feel/think/want to share, etc.etc.
This way I am taking off the pressure to respond assertively instantly (which, when added to much pressure, can become like throwing mud at each other), but still giving myself space to step up for myself.
In the long run I do want to be able to stand up for myself more assertively.
This is one of the best articles i have come across to take back control of yourself…
http://www.alphaboard.co.cc/blog
Thanks a lot!
@Zach
You make a terrific point, and I’ll add a comment that intersects my previous entry with your insight. Any assertiveness that comes from a pure place will effectively press behavior to a pure neutrality, whereas assertions from a subjective, reactionary posture will likely swing the pendulum of interactive energy too far in the opposite direction. This often furthers any would be conflict. From that observation point that I mentioned previously, wisdom is more likely in the words and actions offered. You don’t need to sit down and meditate to deliver the perfect punch to the situation. Just be a watcher of yourself, the other party and the whole situation as you act immediately. As the watcher you are not tossed about in the waves of emotion that crash in a would-be heated situation.
A nice article with some helpful comments too. I have been revising my whole outlook on how best to be. The comment regarding assertiveness is important, I think there is a distinction here.
Assertiveness is how you deal with the situation as it happens whereas this article gives some great ways of ensuring you do not let things get to you or even begin on a route towards beating yourself up before or after.
I think It is important not to be 100% passive as a rule of how you live your life, its just impossible in todays world to be that way without being taken advantage of.
Amazing article.. I write a lot about positivity and this thing pops up all the time when people wonder how to deal with difficult people. And like most of the people I always used to reply to rude users with a on the spot reply, but as you mentioned the best way is to hold on to your energy :)
thx
Good advice.
As someone who has had to deal with all sorts of people online one of the biggest problems I come up against is communication issues. Putting aside language problems I often find people forget when online that they are talking to people from a world wide community. When people forget this fact we get people communicating about issues as if the other people share the same nationality, culture, religion, gender and economic position and it often leads to genuinely reasonable people ending up in arguments because of the lack of face to face communication making them forget about those significant differences between people that do influence communication.
The worst though is when there are people no matter how you try to communicate something they simply a) do not understand the concept or b) they don’t want to understand the concept. In terms of running an internet discussion board trying to work out which of these two categories a person falls into can be incredibly difficult.
If someone tries to wind me up or insult me, I tend to give them a thumbs up, say “cool” and either turn and talk to someone else or then say “anyway…” and carry on with the conversation
I am currently dealing with “difficult people”. I will try to use # 1 2 6 9.
Thanks!
I find tips 3 and 12 are the most important and respected. “The water of a ducks back” not only you as being a mature person, I think it garners influence and respect from others.
This is also called the s**** happens method ;)
The pour honey tip is really good. Just smile at the negative person and say something nice and usually most negativity goes away and both you and the person you are arguing with gets a better and maybe more productive day! Of course it can be hard to make yourself do it instead of replying in a negative way, but it’s worth it. It always works for me, at least to some degree.
“Does it really matter if I’m right?” – is my favorite line within the post. When we get on our high horse with a difficult person then we can never move on. They are probably stubborn and now you are too. The best way to get past this is to decide that it doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is that I can see both sides.
Hi Tina, I appreciate your thoughtful take on this subject.
I’ve trained myself to be a witness to my experience when the primal juices start flowing, and remind myself that it’s nothing personal.
Negativity itself is impersonal, alien to heart and soul. Whatever I can do to nourish heart and soul on a daily basis, I will do. The more I can nourish, the more immunity I seem to have with bad vibes.
Christopher
I have to give it to you Tina, I’m SO impressed that you’re pushing through all this negativity and wrote such a thorough and concise article on dealing with difficult people.
I used to think that ALL of the prominent bloggers who amass a following were spouting out the same material as their “teachers” be it self-help or spiritual “gurus” claiming it as their own. That belief doesn’t hold true.
I admit that on my part, it was almost like a lashing out to cry foul to those who were “ripping off” other self-help material. It came from a place of jealousy and scarcity mindset.
We’re standing on the shoulders of giants and innovation is inspired by knowledge and technology of old.
Be it Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Robin Sharma or any other “guru”, it doesn’t matter. Bloggers like you that are pumping out quality material that builds upon the teachings of these so-called gurus in such a way that is relatable to the everyday person. It has made free that information that we’ve learned and made it available to the masses…. this is something HUGE.. I can feel it and I’m proud to witness and be a part of this movement in the blogosphere ;)
Cheers!
Will
What a lovely post and something everyone can use! I’ll certainly be remembering your tips next time I have to deal with someone unpleasant and focus on letting go of unpleasantness I’ve already experienced..
You wouldn’t happen to be a taoist, or have listened to Stuart Wilde at all, would you?
I’d be really interested to hear people’s reactions to Zach’s comment. The article rang true to me and seems wise, but Zach’s comments also make sense. Tina, what is your take on the shopping cart scenario? Would you advocate the “passive” response?
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REPLY
Hi Eric,
I just replied with my thoughts on the shopping cart scenario below (scroll down or search for “Tina Su” on the page.)
Thanks for the question! :)
Tina
Difficult people should be tied to a radiator and kicked to death, then rolled down a flight of stairs. On fire.
I looked at all your steps/methods for dealing with difficult people. Whew, what a long list! It’s simpler to quietly-and with a smile upon one’s face-tell a difficult person to F–K OFF! Works like a charm! Try it sometime. Here, you and your readers can practice it with me if you need some practice.
What a brilliant article! It’s come at a good time for me, too. Thank you so much, Tina.