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Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?


No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

difficult-people-dealing.jpg
Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.


10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
  2. If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

 




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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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462 thoughts on Dealing with Difficult People

  1. @a spouse

    I recommend her to take a class call “understanding men” with Alison Armstrong: http://understandmen.com
    I think it will do wonders for your communication, understanding and friendship. Without these, it’s hard to sustain a marriage or any relationship.

    Alison also has a seminar for men titled “understanding women” which is pretty amazing as well.
    I’ve done them myself and I can personally guarantee that the qualities of these communication seminars are top notch!

    Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

    Tina

  2. Daniele

    So I woke up this morning and googled “How to deal with difficult people” and this was the second article that came up. Am I glad I read this.
    I often have difficult situations and work within a small group of people. Ego’s are always center stage. Reading this article gives me another perspective. I always feel I try to stand in someone elses shoes before responding to a situation, so that I am conciously acting, not reacting. But prior to reading this article, for whatever reason, felt somewhat alone going through these situations, and felt like I was allowing someone to walk on me. After digesting this posting I feel like I do handle things the best way I know how, but now know I have the ability to handle negativity in a better way. Thanks for such an inspiring article and encouraging us to always take the higher road.

  3. stef

    woOoohh..
    amazing article…
    i love it…
    and i’m planning to apply those tips..
    i hope you will continue making such superb articles!!
    =)

  4. Jay

    I need some advice on how to deal with a difficult family. My husbund’s family fights everytime we all get together, talk on the phone ect. It doesn’t even matter where we are.

    His family if very difficult to talk to becasue his mom never thinks before she speaks and is always telling us “I told you so”, blames us for something, or she will take the role of the victim. She is also unreasonable, has no common sense, and thinks she is right all the time. And if she decides she is losing the arguement she will start to lie, and when you call her on it she denies what she just said.

    His sister explodes at the drop of a hat. The discussion won’t even involve her and she will end up screaming, calling people names, and swearing. She will belittle you and make you feel worthless. She never apologizes for it, and she is never wrong.

    His father is the most negative person I have ever met. He never has anything positive or encouraging to say to us. Like for instance, when we bought our house he told us we overpaid, we ran in a marathon he told us we should have ran faster….

    I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively. I love my husbund but his families behaviour is making me not like being around them. What should I do?

  5. Laura Robbins

    I’m having a hard time with a co-worker. She is extremely unprofessional in her actions and the way she speaks to me. I did nothing wrong the last time we worked together and she told everybody, as she pointed in my face, “I’m not working with her tonight!” We are nurses and require help from each other so it’s difficult not to be together at times. In order to save our backs from injury we need an extra hand. If I could do it on my own I would. I’m afraid she may go to the boss and say something rotten to him about me or simply make up lies. I need advice from other hormonal women or even men who can be more realistic.

  6. @Laura Robbins

    Have you tried speaking to your manager about her behavior? It doesn’t sound very professional.

  7. @Jay

    You said:

    I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively.

    1. We can’t change other people. And for negative people, it’s best not to give them any advice. Actually, don’t give anyone advice unless they ask for it. People will change only on their own accord.

    Instead, you could try to set a good example for them, and be the kind of person you wish to see them becoming.

    2. Tip #5 above “5. Stop Talking About It”. I would advice to stop talking about them completely. You seem very passionate about the topic and repeating it is not helping you.

    3. Don’t spend time with them. Or spend as little time as possible.

    4. Learn to Surrender. Allow people to be who they are and how they act. It’s not our problem.

  8. This information is very helpful. My husband can easily become one of the difficult people with mood changes by the minute. I have learned a lot and currently practice at least two-thirds of the offered information to ease the occasional mental pain. I believe that there are various parts here that can help me cope better in my daily life.
    It is not so hard to have a difficult spouse if you know how to keep your cool on a daily basis. The worst thing one can offer you is sympathy or empathy. I say that because it is the spouse and the marriage was set in love. It must be crucially worked on by the minute with the difficult spouse. This information is very easy to read and understand and I think anyone can benefit from it.

  9. Thea

    Hi. I really liked this article. Accidentally, upon having a conversation just a minute ago, I began searching the net just to mollify myself. I was really appalled by someone whom I expect to be open-minded. Anyway, I got bunch of ideas from this article and I hope it would be useful soon. I know it would.

  10. Thea

    Anyway, is it because, as teens, we tend to defend or assert ourselves, people older than us feel indifferent. As if implying that we are “getting powerful”? I just don’t really understand them. I respect them as they are, but if they show those kind of attitude I really feel bad.

  11. Paul Atkins

    Actually, dealing with difficult people is to deal with our emotional and feeling. No one couldn’t hurt your feeling unless you allow permission.
    Sounds simple, but difficult in real world since we are human being we have feeling, thought and emotions. Practice, practice and practice the principle will create peaceful mind which is the real happinees that couldn’t buy with money but gain it by practicing and patience.

  12. Kanya

    Very good article. Will work for 90 plus situations. However, If we tend to bend, we will be taken advanrage of it and considered to be our weakness, so, it the insult repeats often in different forms, we need to take assertive step.

  13. James

    I think these are excellent tips. I certainly am guilty of some of the negative energy, but who isn’t? I do think that cutting your loses, so to speak, isn’t the right way to handle a negative person. That is also in conflict with rule #1- be forgiving. This information will be appreciated in the future when trying to resolve/handle conflicts. Thanks for the advice!

  14. Gina

    THIS WAS VERY POWERFUL & VERY INFORMATIVE. THANKS A LOT! wink….

    Gina

  15. kosmopolit

    If you can not change people, than just “change” them.
    It is that simply.

  16. kristin

    What if the difficult person you are dealing with has potential to have power over your degree? right now i am student teaching and my cooperating teacher is basically adult bullying me and i am worried i may not pass my practicum. she finds fault in everything i do. i am afraid to go to my faculty advisor because she has already taken the cooperating teachers side in the past.

  17. Cee

    Thanks! this article really help me through a difficult day at work. I love your style of writing, with such calm and clarity. Keep up the great work and positive writing that can make a difference in people’s lives.

  18. chris

    All I can say is “Thank you!” for this article-it has opened my eyes and I feel free to let it all go with a certain person. Also, I feel armed with coping skills I just haven’t been able to find all in one place-can’t wait to read more articles!

  19. Frustrated

    I have read this before and here I am again.
    I have a situation with a co-worker and it has been going on for over a year off and on.
    I have done the passive, water off a ducks back, I am not going to let her negativity and passive agressive comments/actions bother me. I have also tried to stand up for myself and call her out on her negative actions. NOTHING works with her. She is very passive agressive, making comments under her breath while I walk by, actions when I am coming or leaving the office. She has no accountability and turns the converstations around after they are done and she is being spoken to regarding it.

  20. Frustrated

    Sorry about my post above…. I didn’t finish it and can’t edit it. It posted before I was through. Any advice is welcomed! It is at the point that my husband will not come in my work because he has to pass the receptionist who also makes comments to him and we have complaints from people that she is inappropriate.. but no one is doing anything. Keep in mind… we work in Mental Health and she once told someone who called and stated they were in crisis..”yeah, well everyone is in crisis”

  21. pc

    I second kristin’s question. I am currently dealing with a supervisor that is generous with the verbal abuse, particularly in stressful situations. How can one be assertive in this circumstance, especially when the abuse is taken too far (becoming racist, sexist, rather than staying within the realm of the professional skill acquisition you are there to do)?

  22. Johnathon Buckler

    I like what you had to say it helped me to try and look at things from a little more other perspective. I have a hard time controlling my impulse of words because of the defense things. Is there any methods i could take in order to keep frustration from building and bursting with negative words, because i rather have a casual conversation without geting angry no matter what is said to me. I would like to have controll of the conversation to where no one will be mad and both parties will come out of the talk satisfied and possiable better friends.

  23. grace

    there was so much positive energy flowing in my soul after i read this. i feel so much more at peace with the world. thank you :)

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