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How to Free Yourself from Guilt

Photo by Zara Jay
Editor’s Note

This article was originally published on December 20, 2007, around the time this blog was born. Sometimes, older articles get buried and lost in the archives, but their advice is still applicable today. As I transition into a full-time mom again, I recently experienced some guilt (more on that in a new post soon) and this articled helped to ground me with its gentle reminders to "Let go of the pain. It's all an illusion. Set yourself free. Everything will be okay." Enjoy the article!

Have you recently felt guilty for something you didn’t do?

Perhaps, feeling guilty for not replying to emails? Guilty for not reaching all your goals for the day? Guilty for having spent hours browsing the web aimlessly and not having enough time to do something important? Guilty for telling someone you’d call, but never returning the call? Do you beat yourself up for it?

I’m definitely guilty of having felt guilty. :) I’m also guilty for the self-inflicted mental beating I give myself, afterwards.

Thoughts like these have the power to bring you down. They carry an energy that weighs down on your mind, because part of you is constantly thinking about it. The guilt begins popping up in everything you do. Do you get random tightness feeling in your stomach? A sort of nervousness that you just can’t seem to shake off?

Don’t Break Your Back! Tips to Healthy Posture

When you were a child, you may have been told to “Stand up straight!” or “Don’t slouch!” from your parents and teachers. I remember when I was younger, my mother would poke my back out of nowhere to remind me to stand up straight. I hated this as a teen and was determined to rebel for no reason other than to be stubborn and go against what I was told. My purposeful slouching eventually turned into a habit and carried with me into adulthood.

Now that I’m older, I understand why my mother was so insistent. My poor posture now makes me feel:

  • Pain in my back and shoulders.
  • I am breathing shallowly.
  • I appeared to lack self confidence.
  • Energy was not flowing efficiently throughout my body. I was often tired.
  • It made me look and feel weak.

I have spent much time correcting the damage, and undeveloped muscles, from my rebellious teen years. Like any habit, breaking bad posture can be a challenge, but definitely doable with some attention and practice.

Many of us may like to improve our posture, but we often don’t know how, or where to start.

6 Steps to Deflate Self-Defeating Fears

Photo by stock photo

Have you ever justified your lack of success towards a goal with the excuse that you lacked the experience? Or that you lacked the resources: money and time? Did you give up before you even tried?

Have you ever looked at a competition in your field and justified their success to something trivial like:

  • She’s successful, because she’s got better computer skills.
  • He’s successful because he knows the right people.
  • They are successful because they’ve been doing this for many years.
  • John did it, because he’s loaded, he has more money than I’ll ever see.
  • Maggie has always been luckier than me.

We’ve missed the real work behind the scene. We’ve robbed them of the real reason why they are successful. Plus, we have spent extra energy justifying our lack of success and missed real opportunities to learn from their excellence.

You are not alone

Your Guide to Get Spinning in the Idea Tornado

Photo by Stock Photo

Have you ever felt mentally blocked from finding a solution to a problem you are facing? Most of us have had this experience, and it can be quite frustrating. Writers call it writer’s block, and the rest of us call it stumped, stymied, confused, etc. Brainstorming is one effective tool for helping to remove the mental roadblock and come up with ideas and solutions.

Brainstorming is a method of generating ideas that allows the brain to think freely and use both sides of the brain to ideally come up with creative solutions to difficult problems. Brainstorming can be used whether you’re sorting out a problem at work, coming up with your next business idea, or resolving a personal relationship issue. Brainstorming can help you hone in on the problem and come up with creative ways to approach it.

 

The 5 Myths of Positive Mental Attitude

Photo by Children At Risk Foundation
A positive mental attitude is the starting point of all riches, whether they be riches of a material nature or intangible riches. ~Napoleon Hill

Okay, so there’s no myth that I am a positive person, or at least striving to be one. However, I am aware that I’m not positive all the time. I am continuously working to become conscientious of my choices, thoughts and reactions. I frequently get asked about positive thinking, and I wanted to first clear up some points of confusion.

Positive people are not living like Pollyanna in some dream world with no hold on reality. Positive people may have an attitude like Pollyanna, but they are not necessarily unrealistic. Positive person are very capable of understanding the reality of a cynic. They just change their mindset to see the reality from a different perspective.

40 Simple Gift Ideas to Spark a Smile

I have a confession to make… I still have not started my Christmas shopping. Having said that, I’m guessing that many of your out there are just like me, waiting for the last week before Christmas. :) As a gentle reminder to myself, I’ve compiled a list of gift ideas for the holiday season. These ideas are not limited to just Christmas, but for all occasions. I hope you may benefit from this list as well.

The list is broken down into several categories:

  • Unique Gifts
  • Gifts that Touch the Soul
  • Books that Change Lives
  • Alternative Wrapping Ideas

Enjoy!

Unique Gifts:

1. Seed Gift Wrap that BlossomsOkay, this is really cool. Imagine a wrapping paper that you will plant instead of throwing away. These are biodegradable paper embedded with wildflower seeds. Once you’re done using the paper, just plant and water for beautiful blossoms. There’s no waste.

How to Cure PackRat-itis

Photo: Comprex from contemporist

How do you feel when sitting at home? Calm and peaceful, nestled in your neatly kept place? Or could your space use some love, organization and cleaning? If you fall into the former category, that’s awesome, skip the article and please share tips on how you keep such a tidy place in the comments. If you can barely type over the pile of stuff on your desk, then hopefully you’ll find inspiration in the words below.

I used to be quite a pack rat. I seldom threw anything away. I loved to take home everything I could get for free, such as promotional items from work, or odds-and-ends donated from friends. At one point, I discover that I had stuffed more than 20 techie t-shirts from various University recruiting events at the back of my closet. Yikes!

Perhaps I formed this habit during my poor, uncared-for university days. Maybe I was influenced having grown up in a communist country, where everything was limited and nothing was thrown away. Basically, I had accumulated A TON of stuff from years past.

Not only was it difficult to find things, but my mind was constantly filled with thoughts about what to do with all my stuff. Each time a closet was opened, I was reminded of the stuff I had, and the endless organizing I still needed to do (maybe I need a hoarding treatment). Even if we claim that our messy environment doesn’t bother us, each piece of clutter still takes up mental energy in our minds.

Your Guide to Conquer Fear of Public Speaking

I’ve heard of all the standard public speaking tips, like making eye contacts with your audience, plan your speech, practice, speak with volume, and standing up straight. Although, they are valuable tips, none of these tips address the real problem underlying my speech delivery. Namely, my fear of failure, and the crippling nervousness I experience when standing in front of a crowd of people.

I’m sure you can relate to the nervousness I’m referring to. Even if you are Tony Robbins or an expert in speech delivery, at some point in your life, you’ve felt nervous when giving a presentation. I used to hate public-speaking, I would get so nervous that the only thing I heard was the sound of my heart bouncing out of my chest, the only thing I felt was my stomach tightening up as I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants. In the past, I’ve dealt with this fear by avoiding presenting in front of people, whenever possible. But I’ve since learned that the best way to deal with any fear is facing it. I started looking outside of myself, then learning and testing out various techniques for dealing with fear. I began practicing advice on giving outstanding presentations. In my experimentation, I have found that several techniques have worked miracles in helping me give effective and fearless presentations.

How to Build Intimacy in Any Relationship

Photo by Cindy Loughridge
The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. ~Helen Keller

You know how things can get so busy sometimes, that not only do we forget to connect with ourselves, but also forget to connect with the people we love most? People like our spouses, our children, our parents, our friends. I mean, we may see them, but we don’t necessarily take time to connect with them. We often tell ourselves that we can make it up to them once our busy schedule slows down. Funny thing is, our schedule never slows down. We really have to schedule our most important priorities first. I am always on the lookout for simple tools I can use to maintain my close relationships.

Reader Chris Sharp shared with me a daily routine him and his wife use. They call it their Daily Wins And Realizations; a time set aside to connect with their loved one every day. I didn’t ask for details, but I was inspired by the name and was intrigued by the possibilities and positive effects it could have on a relationship. I suggested to my partner, that we share our Wins and Realizations every evening after dinner. We have found the process to be enriching and deeply rewarding. It gives us a time and space to connect every day, deliberately. The exercise has been beautiful to observe and I wanted to share it with you.

Before diving further, I wanted to point out that this isn’t just effective in a romantic relationship, but in all relationships. Open communication, sharing and understanding is at the core of intimacy in any relationship and friendship. Try it for a few days with your mom (warning: you will melt her heart with love). This will also be an effective practice in friendship building with trusted friends. The word intimacy in this context is not referring to sexual intimacy, but the closeness and trust between two people through exchange of their inner most thoughts and values. I’m sure you can relate, that some of the most rewarding relationships are built this way.

Here are the reason why we fell in love with this daily routine:

  • It gives us an opportunity to express ourselves freely.
  • We get to be listened to and supported emotionally by another person.
  • You are important – You become a priority and focus of attention.
  • It is a deeply intimate experience where we connect at the soul level as spiritual beings.
  • I find that as I am expressing myself, that I’ll come up with even more realizations. I gain clarity as I articulate out my daily realizations and learning.
  • Gratitude is a pleasant side effect of this practice. Sharing your wins is like giving gratitude for things you are thankful for today.
  • Show the other person how important they are.
  • Enjoy the purity and innocence in your partner.
  • Practice open communication
  • Sharing the things you’ve learned with the other person and learning from their realizations.
  • The moment is highly energizing. When we’re done with our ‘daily wins and realizations’, I feel so full of positive energy that I’m ready to save the world. I’m exaggerating, but you know what I mean. I often follow the evening with something productively creative, like writing a new article or designing a new layout.
  • Both parties will leave feeling great about themselves and their relationship with the other person.

Here’s a beautiful quote from Steve Pavlina when speaking about empowered relationships:

Everyone you meet in your life – even total strangers – are already intimately connected to you. The idea that we are all separate and distinct beings is nothing but an illusion. We are all parts of a larger whole, like individual cells in a body. (…) When you look at other people, you’re really looking at yourself.

– Steve Pavlina

The following tips explain how we adopted “Daily Wins & Realizations“. Feel free to adapt these concepts, as the process is not as important as the moment of expression.

1. Time – set aside time for time to connect. We’ve been setting aside 10 minutes after dinner, but have managed to go well past 10 minutes every day. It’s been so much fun, that we sometimes start new discussions based on topics shared.

2. Place – Find somewhere comfortable that’s not a bed, so you don’t fall asleep. :) We use the couch or sometimes do so at a restaurant.

3. One Person Asks the Question – Person A asks, “What are some of your wins and realizations today?” as person B answers. Sometimes, person B may have a hard time answering this, you can change the question slightly to “What did you learn today?” or “What are you Thankful for today?” Our wins and realizations have been anything from things we are grateful for today, to a realization about ourselves, to a summary of what we learned from a TED talk we watched, to something we read today.

4. No Interruptions – As person B answers, person A should not be interrupting. If you feel an urge to jump in, bite your tongue, write it down or save it for when it’s your turn. It is important to fully listen to the person speaking with openness and compassion, it is their time to express themselves, give them that time and space without interruption.

“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears
so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”

–Epictetus

5. Thank the Speaker – When person B is done. Person A will say something encourage acknowledging what’s been said. Something like “That’s great! Those are some great realizations and big wins!“, “Thank you for sharing!

6. Repeat – Repeat steps 3 to 5 with the persons reversed. Person B will ask the same question to person A.

7. “Cuddle Fest” – Give each other a big Hug with sincerity and love. We call it the ‘cuddle fest’, Tommy (our 8lb fluffy dog) typically will join in the celebration as well.

Simple, huh? If both people are open, non-judgmental, and genuine, you will find the result to be phenomenal in building intimacy with your partner or your friend. Let me know how this practice will turn out in your relationships. I can’t wait to hear them.

Any practices you’ve found useful in building intimacy and closeness with your loved one? Do share in the comments!

How to Be Naked like a Baby

Photo by Matthew Bennion

… And Just as Happy

Why is it that once we become adults, we become so serious all the time (generally speaking). We get so caught up in the hectic race of everyday life that we forget that we are here to experience joy, to experience Life. We forget to smile and enjoy the beauty of the present moment. I notice that I fall into the many demands of my life story. Recently, I have gotten so busy that a week can pass without realizing. I don’t get the chance to slow down once to reflect and to be present. I seem to fall into the pattern of constantly living in the future, running after that next goal or achieving that next task on my never-ending list of Todos. Let’s take this moment to slow down, just for a few minutes.

Small children and family pets (dogs, cats) can serve as great ‘Zen’ teachers. Have you observed them before? Try it. It is so beautiful to watch the innocence of a small child, or a dog. They are so present in the moment, stress-free, open to their feelings and are a bundle of joy. I tell people that my dog Tommy is “made of love” because from observing him, he really is! A fluff of positive energy, which serves as a constant reminder to be positive in any situation and to not take things so seriously. Live life, enjoy the moment.

I also believe that child-like innocence and creativity have a direct connection. I work with lots of artists and creative people, and I have found that child-like innocence are very common among all of them. The purity, the openness, and the awareness of the present moment are clearly shown through interacting with each of them.

We can guide ourselves back to the inner child in us. You ready? Let’s first start with some common traits and characteristics of our cute little ‘Zen masters’:

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