20 Ways to Overcome Shyness
Can you remember the last time you stepped into a room full of strangers and felt that self-conscious and awkward feeling rush over you? Or that heart thumping moment when you wanted to ask someone on a date, but were too shy to do so? Or wanting to approach someone for business, but was too hesitant to actually do it? That anxiety in the pit of your stomach in social situations? Does it always feel like something is holding you back?
Regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted, we can all relate to that feeling of shyness at some point in our lives. Socially, we tend to have the misconception that only introverts experience shyness, but that is not true. Shyness has more to do with being uncomfortable with one’s self, especially around other people.
This article is the result of collaboration between Amanda Linehan, an introvert, and Tina Su, an extravert. Together, we wanted to shed some light on the topic of shyness in a collective perspective from both extremes. We will also share the ways that we used to turn shyness into personal empowerment.
The Three Components of Shyness
According to Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci of the Shyness Research Institute, shyness has three components:
- Excessive Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
- Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
- Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.
Can you relate? When you are experiencing shyness, can you fit your state of mind into one or more of the above categories? We sure can.
Why Do We Experience Shyness?
We all experience shyness differently and on varying degrees. However, root cause can be boiled down to one of the following reasons:
1. Weak Self Image
This is especially true to our experiences in high school. We would believe in the fallacy that our unique qualities were not interesting, cool or worthy of anyone’s admiration.We would try to fit in with everyone else, resulting in us not feeling like ourselves.
- Amanda: Looking back I’m not even sure I knew what my unique abilities were, I just knew that everybody else seemed to be a cooler, more interesting person than I was, so I tried to imitate them…poorly.:)
- Tina: I thought of myself as cool, because I was loud, and worked very hard at keeping that image. It was of course, a false image that I worked hard to keep. It was exhausting and I was exceedingly self conscious. Even though people didn’t view me as shy, but I felt shy most of the time with a lot of built up anxiety. Turns out, the ‘cool’ kids themselves have weak self images and wanted to fit in with everyone else.
2. Pre-occupation with Self
When we’re around other people, we become extremely sensitive to what we’re doing, as if we’ve been put on center stage. This creates anxiety and makes us question our every move. Our focus centers around ourselves and particularly on “what I was doing wrong”. This can cause a downward spiral.
- Amanda: Coupled with a weak self image,I didn’t thinkIwas doing anything right! And this would start a cycle that I couldn’t get out of. What I understand now is that is that most people are not looking at me with the detail thatI was looking at myself.
- Tina: I too was very sensitive to my every move around other people. My senses were heightened to the way I talked, walked, laughed, etc. My focus was on how to not screw up in front of other people, and this made me very nervous. What I understand now is that everyone is so caught up with their own insecurities that they hardly notice yours.
3. Labeling
When we label ourselves as a shy person, we psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. We may say to ourselves, “I am a shy person, than it must be true that I am shy. This is how I am, and this is the way things are.” When we label something, that thing has the perception of being fixed and therefore we must live up to the expectations of the labeling.
- Amanda: I was known by others as a shy person, or a quiet person, and this perception held me captive at times. People expected me to be a certain way and so I was. And knowing that other people regarded me as shy, in addition to my not wanting to be shy, resulted in great anxiety when I was with people. I really wanted to show myself to others when I was around them, but it was easy to simply go along with what others expected from me.
- Tina: Deep down, I felt the anxieties from shyness often, yet, when I’m around people, I had to live up to the expectations that I wasn’t shy. My experiences with shyness would manifest in unusual ways, like when I’m ordering food, when I call someone on the phone, or speak to strangers. I would never let that side of myself show, but I do experience it. In those moments, I can hear myself say, ‘I am shy.’
How to Overcome Shyness
We’ve both experienced different variations of shyness, and through practice and increased awareness we have both overcome this. The following are tips that have helped us overcome this uncomfortable feeling.
Photo by Lauren
1. Understand Your Shyness
Seek to understand your unique brand of shyness and how that manifests in your life. Understand what situation triggers this feeling? And what are you concerned with at that point?
2. Turning Self Consciousness into Self Awareness
Recognize that the world is not looking at you. Besides, most people are too busy looking at themselves. Instead of watching yourself as if you are other people, bring your awareness inwards. Armed with your understanding of what makes you shy, seek within yourself and become the observing presence of your thoughts. Self awareness is the first step towards any change or life improvement.
3. Find Your Strengths
We all have unique qualities and different ways of expressing ourselves. It’s important to know and fully accept the things we do well, even if they differ from the norm. If everyone was the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.
- Find something you are good at and focus on doing it. An identifiable strength will boost your natural self esteem and your ego, helping you better identify with yourself. It is a short term fix, but will give you the confidence you need to break your self-imposed barrier of fear.
- See how your unique strength gives you an advantage. For example, Amanda is a naturally quiet person who prefers to spend time alone. She learned that she listens better than others and notices things that others miss in conversations. She also discovered that her alone time has given her a better understanding of herself.
4. Learn to Like Yourself
Practice appreciating yourself and liking the unique expression that is you. Write a love letter to yourself, do things you enjoy, give gratitude for your body and its effortless functions, spend quality time getting to know yourself, go on a self-date.
5. Not Conforming
Trying to fit in like everyone else is exhausting and not very much fun. Understand that it is okay to be different. In fact, underlying popular kid’s public displays of coolness, they too are experiencing insecurities, self-consciousness, and awkwardness. Accept that you may not be perceived as the most popular social butterfly, and you may not want to be either. At the end of the day, being popular will not make you happy. Accepting your unique qualities can set you free.
6. Focus on Other People
Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social situations, focus on other people and what they have to say. Become interested in learning about others, and probe them to talk about themselves. You can try pondering the question while interacting: What is it about this person that I like?
7. Releasing Anxiety through Breath
Anxiety and fear can feel overwhelming if you are practicing to become more assertive in order to overcome this fear.
- One simple technique to calm this anxiety into manageable bites is taking deep breaths with your eyes closed, while concentrating on just your breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly while clearing out all thoughts.
- Another technique is from yoga: counting as you inhale and then as you exhale. Slowly leveling out your inhale and exhale duration. Example, 4 count for in and 4 for out. Once your breaths are leveled, add an extra count during your exhale. This means slowing down your exhale by just a tad as compared to your inhale. Continue for a few minutes until you are comfortable, than add another count to your exhale. You can easily do this in the bathroom, or in a spare room of when you need it.
8. Releasing Anxiety through Movement
One way of viewing anxiety is that it is blocked energy that needs to be released. We can release this energy through physical movement.
- Exercises like jogging or walking will help to re-channel some of the blocked energies, but also helps by pulling you out of the situation and shifts your state of mind. This refreshed state of mind will help by adding perspectives to things.
- Another effective technique is a simple muscle meditation/exercise. Sit down or lie down. Bring awareness to every part of your body, starting from your toes and moving up your body to the top of your head. At every part of your body, tighten the muscles at the center of awareness for 3-5 seconds, and then relax. Repeat this until you get to the top of your head. Remember to breathe.
9. Visualization
Visualizing yourself in the situation as a confident and happy person helps to shape your perception of yourself when you are actually in the situation. Close your eyes, sit back somewhere relaxing, listen to some relaxing music, imagine yourself in a scene or situation and see yourself the way you would like to be. In this scene, how do you feel? What do you hear? Do you smell anything? Are you moving? What do you see? Get all your senses involved to make it real.
10. Affirmation
Words can carry incredible energy. What we repeatedly tell ourselves, gets heard by our unconscious mind, and it acts accordingly. If we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are incapable, and too shy to do anything, we will become increasingly aware of evidence to back up this ‘fact’, and our actions will always match what we tell ourselves. Similarly, if we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are capable, confident, and wonderful human beings, our unconscious mind will likely surface the awareness that gives evidence to this new ‘fact’. While, we can’t lie to ourselves, positive visualization and affirmation are helpful in placing us along the road of positive thought patterns.
11. Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation
When we leave shy situations, what we are really doing is reinforcing our shyness. Instead, face the situation square in the face. Turn the fearful situation into a place of introspection and personal growth. Become the observer and dig into yourself, answer the questions: why do I feel this way? What caused me to feel this way? Can there be an alternative explanation to what is happening?
12. Accept Rejection
Accept the possibility that we can be rejected and learning to not take it personally. Remember, you are not alone and we all experience rejections. It is part of life and part of the learning process. The key lies in how you handle rejections when they come. It helps to be mentally prepared before they happen:
- Never take it personally. It was not your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. The scenario was not the best fit for you.
- Find the lesson – what did you learn? There is a lesson ingrained in every situation. And through these life lessons lies the potential for you to become a better person, a stronger person. Nothing is lost if you can find the lesson. See these as the blessings in disguise.
- Move on. Recognize that when you fall into self-pity, you are not moving forward. Nothing will be changed from your self-pity. When you start to recognize this, it becomes clear that only energy is wasted while we feed to our problem-seeking ego. Pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and move on to the next thing. Try again, try again, try again. It will pay off!
13. Relinquish Perfectionism
When we compare ourselves, we tend to compare ourselves with the most popular person in the room or we compare ourselves with celebrities we see on TV. We set excessive expectations by comparing ourselves unreasonably to people unlike ourselves and wonder “why can’t I be that?” We carry with us a vision of another’s perfection and expect ourselves to fit that exact mold. And when we don’t fit, we beat ourselves up for it, wondering why we are such failures. You see, the problem lies in our emphasis on fitting into a vision we have created in our minds, which is not us. Let go of this perfect image, create visions of yourself out of the Being from who you are, naturally; and let that expression flow, naturally.
Photo via g2slp
14. Stop Labeling Yourself
Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are you, you are unique, and you are beautiful. Can’t we just leave it at that?
15. Practice Social Skills
Like any other skill, social skills can be cultivated through practice and experience. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it becomes next time. If you have a hard time knowing what to say, you can practice what to say ahead of time.
16. Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations
Sometimes, it is not the social skills we lack, but rather the lack of self confidence that we may succeed, and a heightened fear that we will fail. Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help to desensitize your fear towards the situation. The more you force yourself to face it, and to experience it completely, you will realize that it is not that bad after all. It may be hard for your ego to accept at first, but quickly you will find that you can just laugh and enjoy it.
17. The Three Questions
During social settings where you may experience nervousness, periodically ask yourself the following three questions. Doing so will distract yourself from more self-destructive thoughts. Make it your mantra:
- Am I breathing?
- Am I relaxed?
- Am I moving with grace?
18. What is Comfortable for You?
Going to bars and clubs isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. Understand what feels comfortable for you, and find people, communities and activities which bring out the best in you. You can be just as equally social in settings that you connect with on a personal level, than the popular social settings. You don’t have to be doing what “everyone” else is doing. Besides, everyone else isn’t necessarily happy, despite your perception as such.
19. Focus on the Moment
Becoming mindful of what you’re doing, regardless of what you’re doing, will take focus away from the self. When you are having a conversation, forget about how you look, focus on the words, fall into the words, become absorbed in the words. The tones. The expression. Appreciate it and give gratitude for it.
20. Seek and Record Your Successes
As you overcome this condition we’ve been labeling as shyness, you will have many wins and realizations about yourself. You will gain insights into the truth behind social scenarios. You will start to view yourself differently and come to recognize that you can become comfortable and confident. When these wins and realizations happen, make sure to keep a notebook and write them down. Keeping a journal of your successes will not only boost self confidence, but also shift your focus towards something that can benefit you.
What are some of your moments of shyness? What did you do to overcome them? If you haven’t overcome them, why do you think that is the case & what can you do about it next time? See you in the comments! :)
I used to be very shy. I once read a book about how to overcome it. One of the tips was to talk to strangers. If you’re waiting in line, on a bus, etc. This gets you used to just small talk. I really worked hard at doing this. It was not easy. After a while it really becomes simple. I also compliment a person if I want to meet them. Things like “Wow, what a great tie.” I love your perfume.” I’ve learned over the years that even if I don’t “really” mean it, people soften when they hear it. I also ask people questions about themselves. People really do love to talk about themselves. It also takes the pressure off of you to keep the conversation going. People laugh when I refer to myself as shy. What they don’t realize is that they are really doing the talking, not me.
Tina for me will be good writer, share point-of-view how to improve your life. Very interesting write up, that you will realize and say to yourself “it’s me , the real me”. because overcome this shyness.
Thanks Tina…See you…
Very interesting article, we find in life that times of shyness can also be someone’s time to think through the issues at hand. I think being shy sometimes develops a person’s self control, that self control in a person may be the developing exercise needed to perform the task at hand. Many life’s are tapped by shyness, is it shyness that creates the image of a person, or is shyness a part of a developing mine waiting to offer a idea that has been created by some type of resilient form?
As Jesse stated, some people are just hung up on there self, when this happens one may seem shy, To make a judgment call If someone is being shy is hard to determine. Peoples mines work in strange ways, as this response will surely make clear.
Theirs no way I can get into the argument over the psychological nature of this topic, however the approach that I’ve taken here is from dealing with business associated over the last 35 years. I don’t know the ages of the readers here, but I would guess to say that several are younger and will develop new outlooks on the Topic Of Shyness.
My personal thought on shyness is that its something one should grow out of once they call there self an adult, If you run around shy (if that’s what you want to call it) you must have other issues that are much more that being shy.
No I’m not excluded from this trap of shyness, this does affect people and I’m sure its much more to it than I can conclude. I went through this until I was about 20 or so, I was working with a Naval Officer and he came up to me one day and stated this. Darrell you have the potential to develop your business and do amazing things in your life.
BUT! when you have the option of speaking when you should you fail. So I explained that my nerves went crazy and I got very shy sort of speak.
Soultion from Mr. Navy, you worry about other people and what they think. Don’t worry about what other people think and be yourself. It took getting use too but it worked, in 6 months I had exceeded the ranks of many that had the chance for over 10 years.
Since, I’ve built upon the fact that shyness is a weakness’ that no one can use to there advantage. I deal with Harvard Grads and other high powered educated clients that would break most people down. You would be surprised of the reactions that occur when my clients expect to be meeting with what I’ll call one of there kind and there able to relax and be there self because the person that there meeting with is not one hung on himself and can be a realist and be his self. The Power of self confidence is a dominated factor is dealing with any type of shyness.
Andrea
Is on the right track, common sense is used to deal with everything, We should all think this way.
I think giving ourselves permission to simply be who we are allows us to be comfortable in our own skin, no matter what.
It only makes sense.
An Advisor
Tina,
I am pleased you are back from your sabbatical – your content over the last few weeks has been fantastic!
You are a real inspiration.
Bramster
digg worthy :)
I really like the emphasis here on knowing who we are and what we are about, and then being brave enough to show that to the world. We’ve all got something valuable to offer. Here is the shape that my own overcoming of shyness has taken: http://www.diamondcutlife.org/about/
HEY TINA!
ROCK SOLID article on overcoming shyness! I remember reading a similar post on pickthebrain and I didn’t comment on it for one reason or another.
Since I *LOVE* anything to do with success in social situations and I didn’t comment on that post, I was compelled to reply this one :)
I think out of your post of 20 ways to attack shyness, the 5 MOST POWERFUL of the list are:
– Learning to Like Yourself
– Focus on Other People
– Visualization
– Practice your social skills (tied to don’t leave uncomfortable situations, practice being in uncomfortable situations and what is comfortable)
-Seek and record your successes
These five (or 20%) would probably round account for 80% for overcoming a person’s shyness if they’re continually cultivated. I’ll go so far as guaranteeing that it will not only help people in overcoming shyness but also help becoming charismatic and awesome in connecting with people in general :)
Kudos to you for helping the thousands of people who read your lovely blog to break out of their shells and connecting with other people!
Cheers!
– Will
This article is totally not correct. Shyness is something people are literally born with. It even runs in families. Shy people don’t have any worse self esteem than outgoing people. Sheesh! Talk about labels!!!
hi
great author
your article is very helpful and pleased, it make me feel couraged ,because things can change only it you keep self-improvement, i love to be intresting in others and learning others and put into practise every moment.
great article, it helped me to clear some things i’ve been wondering.
keep up the good work =D
Hello! I’m new to your site but after thoroughly enjoying reading this article, I know I’ll be coming back again and again. Although I consider myself friendly and open now, I used to be really really shy throughout my childhood up into high school. It wasn’t until college that I swallowed my pride and threw myself out there and tried to make as much friends as possible. Of course, I’ve been rejected many times, but I was fortunate to meet some incredible people along the way. There was also this girl in college who I had the biggest crush on. Every time I saw her I would have like a nervous break down and sweat. One day I met her through a friend, and she ended up being very open and friendly. After a few weeks I decided to ask for her number and she gladly gave it to me. Although she ultimately only viewed me as a friend, we became so close that she told me I was her best guy friend. That’s when I realized that although things may not turn out the way we envisioned it to be, just fact that I was her best guy friend made me forget about trying to be her boyfriend or anything like that, and that the most important thing was whatever made her happy, was what made me happy too. We hang out all the time now and I couldn’t be any luckier!
Great article. I also “enjoy” putting myself into uncomfortable situations sometimes… Though…someone once told me something that totally blew my mind. I had confided in her that I just never felt comfortable around certain groups of people that were pervading my life at the time and I always just blamed myself, my insecurities…etc.. She told me, “No, the reason why you were uncomfortable is simple. You were just waiting for people to come along who were worthy of your company.”
My advice: Don’t always assume you are to blame. Some people aren’t ready for someone of your calibre ;)
Hari Karam
Regally Graceful™
It is important to distinguish between shyness and introversion. While shyness can be overcome, introversion is a character trait that is often confused with shyness, and sometimes demeaned.
An introvert may prefer solitary pursuits and their social skills may become rusty. Under pressure from 3/4 ths of the population who are extroverts, the introvert may wrongly seek to become extroverted; an impossible task.
The Kearsey temperment sorter or the Myers Briggs test are good indicators of personality traits. Web sites devoted to them will explain quite a bit about introversion, and other traits.
Its important to know the difference between fear based aversion shyness, and ( for introverts ) a preference for less social pursuits.
My $.02
Many here have made comments suggesting that shyness is genetic and therefore cannot be overcome. Looking back on my life, I would certainly say I was always “introverted”… there’s evidence of that in my earliest memories… I must say there is also evidence of “shyness”, though not nearly as pronounced, and almost always circumstantial.
My point here is that “introversion”, may be an inherent trait that cannot (or maybe should not) be overcome, but shyness is something different entirely. There’s a fluidity to mine that tells me if I could just “crack the code”, I can be just as comfortable as I am in situation A as I have always been in situation B. I certainly hope that’s the case. I’ve always believed in our ability to change… even on a cellular level… so to suggest that people “born” with shyness (and I argue that may not be possible) can not change using the very helpful suggestion written here, is misguided at best.
Thanks for a wonderful article. Best of luck to all.
The “I can do it” principle helps a lot in overcoming shyness.
When I was a little kid I used to be mainly JUST shy and kind of out of touch with reality and the two fed off each other. When I was thrust into an uncomfortable situation in 5th grade (being sent to a new and MUCH bigger school) it forced me to come out of my shell and meet new people and trust me, it was earth-shaking for my little 5th grade self. Thankfully I have improved leaps and bounds since back then, but I still have moments of self doubt and “shyness”.
Now as a senior in high school I am one of those people who is both shy and outgoing at the same time. I can be really extroverted for example when I am in school. From 8.00-3.00 I am pretty much non stop an extrovert – always talking to people, making jokes, laughing, etc. It’s a lot easier for me to be like that in school because there is a ROUTINE and I have mastered the routine…it’s a lot easier to “break” the rules if you will when there ARE “rules”. But thrust me into summertime and I feel like wild coyote after he has run off a cliff – he is kind of just suspended there in mid air for a while before he starts to fall. You know, that kind of “high” feeling you have, the feeling of confidence and self-assurance that comes from succesfully navigating throughout different social situations. In this case, I mean the school year. I’m good for a couple of weeks, hanging out with friends, feeling good, etc. But after a while that feeling starts to decline – I don’t SEE these people every day so it’s harder to plan outings, hanging out, going to see movies and stuff. In addition to that I don’t have siblings so besides when I hang out with friends or whatever I am basically kind of stuck in a different world – a world where the interests of my family are the main ones influencing my life. Not that I am a total loner or anything, I do have friends and we do hang out in the summer. It’s just that having once been a chronically shy person I realize what it USED to be like for me…When I turn around I can see the darkness way back there in the tunnel I just came out of…My confidence in my own abilities starts to slip…I become more introverted because I kinda just want to stay home all day and watch tv or surf the internet because its too much effort to try and coordinate things with other people…not to mention that a deep core part of me is still afraid. But I’m trying to remind myself of a lot of the things you mentioned every day – that I am awesome, that I am talented, that people DO want to hear what I have to say, but I have to believe in myself before they will believe in me!! I don’t know how well I explained any of my feelings there..you might be scratching your head wondering wtf is she talking about, Wile E. Coyote?
But yeah either way it’s a load off my chest…Good luck to all you fellow sufferers of the “shyness disease”! I feel ya and i empathize. Not that I am in any real position to pontificate, but my advice to you is that essentially as a “shy person” you have to work a little harder at thinking optimistically. Also, this is important, but if you don’t want to be “shy” then just DON’T! I know it sounds crazy but it’s true…if you want people to think you are comfortable in social situations then you have to MAKE them feel that way…the vibe you give off in social situations is extremely influential..for example if you’ve ever gone to starbucks and walked up to the “barista” and just ordered your tall chai latte and wondered why they weren’t as ‘sunny’ with you as they were with the previous customer, it’s probably because you weren’t being sunny with them! Crazy? No it’s not! Because 9 times out of 10 if you walk up to the counter with a smile on your face and make pleasantries with the person (“I’m excellent, how are you?”) they will consequently be cheerier too.
If you are beating yourself up because after simple interactions like that you feel like you are misliked or you messed up and then subsequently avoid future interactions as a result it’s probably because you went into it thinking you would fail. It all sounds so “motivational speaker-y” to say but I know all that from personal experience…and I have been on both sides of that example. Most importantly, like I said before, you must believe in yourself before people will believe in you!!! It’s so important to know that!! Ok, getting off the soapbox now. Much love……b
Really just a great article and comment section. I think that just knowing I’m not the only shy person out there will help in social situations. Anxiety is my personal enemy, but with some of your tips, hopefully I’ll be able to start wearing that label down. Thanks a lot =]