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Dealing with Difficult People

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Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?


No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

difficult-people-dealing.jpg
Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.


10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
  2. If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

 




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About the author

Tina Su is a mom, a wife, a lover of Apple products and a CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) for our motivational community: Think Simple Now. She is obsessed with encouraging and empowering people to lead conscious and happy lives. Subscribe to new inspiring stories each week. You can also subscribe to Tina on Facebook.

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462 thoughts on Dealing with Difficult People

  1. Rob

    Thanks for great article, full of awesome strategies and insightful observations.

  2. White

    3 years dealing with a friend that is hard to deal with. No matter what I say or do I’m always wrong, what I think (opinion) is wrong, every time I open my mouth she has something to say. I confronted her on this and she says WELL I CALL IT A OPINION, omg lmao I can’t win. I give up! I’m going to stop contacting her and when she calls I’ll be distant. I don’t need this at 47 years old. I have my husband and thats the only friend I need and can trust.

  3. Mary

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    I am going into a conflict situation tomorrow A.M. with parents of a student of mine. I don’t like conflict. I get nervous. It is the second time in 11 years of teaching – . . . It is time for me to learn another lesson . . . help! Even though I know I could have handled the situation in a better way – it was one of those days you wish you could just cross off the calendar or have a “do over” . . . I told the students that . . . I apologized . . . teaching in hard . . . I have heard these parents are really ” difficult people” . . .
    be the observer . . . be the observer . . . be the observer . . . .

  4. I read about 50 of the above comments about difficult people at work, and though some of them sounded humorous, I’m sure these situations are not considered funny by the people in them. Dan O’Connor, The Energy Vampire Slayer has just published a free course–including book, workbook, flash-cards and more entitled Energy Vampire Slayer: 101. In this course he deals with Gossips, Blamers, Snipers, Cry-Babies, Bullies and several other toxic types that plague offices. He scripts how to deal with them–as well as how to prepare yourself to be the person who CAN deal with them. All free–all information that can be duplicated, passed around, and used to defeat negativity wherever it’s found. http://www.powerdiversity.com and click “FREE BOOK” Anyone who has left a comment on this blog will find this course useful and effective. I know I did.
    Margaret Mithouse

  5. coleville

    Loved this article. It really helped me put some of the difficult people in my life into perspective. Not rocket science here, but I needed to be reminded of it.

    Thanks!

  6. Jia

    This post is awesome. Thank you so much, I learnt alot and I ll bookmark (print) this page. Great, thanks again :)

  7. I appreciate the heart of this article to give 15 options to choose from-some in a more timely fashion than when being put on the spot. I recently tried to befriend a family member after having work through years of abuse mentally, emotionally, sexually, drug addiction from my parents. I understand this family member is in denial of such ordeals in the family and having shared where I was in the process of healing I was disappointed with the response of anger and blinding accusations. I highly believe in the 12 step from the recovery programs- as well as a firm faith-always a work in progress my faith, I always have a fear of coming across goody-goody or pollyann-ish-for the world is a reality we all live-in and not avoid or devoid(hence, remain stuck in a rut!). It’s humiliating and embarrassing going through this ordeal to know your parent was convicted as a Sexual Deviant II and facing the past as it all comes back to you. The emotional upheaval and mistrust came to my becoming overwhelmed and unable to function. I needed to place myself around “safe” people. I feel God has really carried me throughout these years of trying to find a new form of functioning. It’s been almost four years now and having to grieve and work through the many years of loss has seem all the worth while to let go of the family members who did not join in a positive state of healing. The feelings that were once so raw are now a sense of victory of overcoming without loss of self. I managed to walk away feeling at peace b/c I felt I did the best I could to re-connect with this family member and unfortunately the same intensity of anger and accusations flew with this person leaving in the same state without allowing another word to be said. This person came to “clear the air” in the understanding to meet with forgiveness and grace/mercy-and instead anger still spat deeply entrenched. I can only surrender and pray God can soften this angry person.

    I work daily with about 40 women of varied backgrounds and I find myself guarding my heart and letting wisdom prevail when gossip train comes around or the complaining train comes around. A little yeast can spread and have an affect on the way things rise-I struggle with finding myself participating and trying to back peddle to reset the train track towards a more positive outcome.

    I too googled this article and it’s great to know how many kindred spirits are out there trying to battle good and evil with more positive rather than the evil.

  8. Belen

    Hi there.

    I have this problem with a group of difficult people at school.
    I hardly now them, but I had never talked to them in any way. I don’t know why they speak with sarcasm to me, since I hadn’t done anything to them, but is obvious that they are enjoying the whole situation.

    I don’t take it so personal, but it does affect me since the jokes are directed to me and to my looks; thus, I don’t respond to their jokes at all, and continue with my life.

    Is a surprise to me that they still have something to say when I thought that the subject was over after a long time.

    Should I make an effort to stop all this? And how? I barely have the courage.

    By the way, great article :D
    have a nice day!

  9. measlebeast

    thanks! that’s all great advice as well as the stuff in the comments too. keep up the good work :-)

  10. Moi

    I’ve noticed that insecurity seems to be at the core of difficult people. Why would someone who feels good about himself/herself want to hurt other people? Misery loves company.

    My advice is react/don’t react to each situation on an individual basis. In some cases, just ignore the difficult person or laugh at what he/she said yet if that person tries to escalate the conflict by hitting you/kicking you/spitting on you, etc. (being physically abusive) get the police involved.

  11. Michele

    Thank you! I work with a very difficult woman, who seemed to like me at first, then started being very mean to me. I was searching for help when I found your article.

    I CHOOSE PEACE!

    Thanks again,

    Michele

  12. RP

    Thanks Tina.I am having difficult time with one of my colleague lately. Was just browsing to see if I could find some guidance from net when I came across your blog. Then points makes a lot of sense. I ll try to implement the same. Hoping the situation will improve :),

  13. rahul jawalekar

    but i really dont understand that if i am getting headache of accepting something wrong i never did then why shouldnt i replied that i have done nothing wrong

  14. The Truth.

    Well, I must say: This was an interesting article. It does, however, contain a certain number of misconceptions that I would like to address.

    A) You are assuming that the people you are confronting are actually justified in their cause. Quite often people are rude only for the sake of being rude, and no other “hidden reason”.

    B) Being PASSIVE just leads to more pain. If you don’t stand up and show that you will not tolerate their actions, it just shows the person that they can walk all over you.

    C) As you stated before: we all have a choice. This means that regardless of their situation and all the sh*t that has happened to them, they still CHOOSE to be rude/negative. This again points to the fact that there is no “hidden reason” that justifies their actions.

    D) It does not help to justify their WRONGFUL actions by “putting yourself in their shoes”. No matter what has happened to them that may draw your sympathy, what they are doing is still WRONG.

    E) Standing up for yourself helps build your self-worth. Passive people tend to “turn the other cheek” because they feel that they deserve it, or that the other person is justified in their cause. In most cases, this is NOT true. Even if it where true, what they are doing is WRONG and should not be justified.

    In most cases of domestic abuse the person being abused does not get help because they are PASSIVE and “turn the other cheek”. They often begin to justify what the other person is doing, by saying: “There must be a reason why they do it” or “I must deserve it since they are doing it”. NO! NO! NO! What they are doing is **WRONG** regardless of their justifications.

    If you, rather then being passive, stand up for yourself you will build your confidence in yourself. In turn you feel better about yourself, and will show other people that you will not tolerate being talked down, belittled, or abused.

    In conclusion: Being PASSIVE is rarely the solution that will better the situation. It does have its uses, but they are not as broad as you try to portray them as.

    Being PASSIVE is the reason why abuse happens. Being PASSIVE is the reason why criminals don’t get just punishments. Being PASSIVE is why assholes exist in the world today.

  15. Shayla

    Wow. This artical was awesome and really helped me put things into perspective. I will be sharing this with friends and even my children.

    THANKS :)

  16. Ken

    I am dealing with a difficult tortutorous wife heading for divorce. This is a very helpful website. Its hard when the black clouds are moving in.
    Divorce with two kids is especially hard when you have an 8 and 10 year old. I still can’t understand whyshes so crazy and mad. Im trying, trying, its difficult.

  17. j.d.

    Thank you. Had particularly difficult teaching day and was feeling lost. Reading this has re-focused me and made me feel better.

  18. Menna

    Hey there tina,
    I came across your blog by coincidence while surfing the net and i was really inspired by your articles
    keep it up :D

  19. Bon

    I really liked this article. I’m having a difficult time with someone in my life and I agree 100% with all of the things that you just said. I’ve been focusing too much energy on the situation when it really shouldn’t be affecting me.
    I do not agree with the comment posted by “The Truth”. I don’t think that Tina was saying to necessarily be passive. I just think she’s saying by fighting back, it usually makes the situation worse. Just walk away. Or react calmly and rationally. I’ve noticed that if I get caught in a heated argument with someone, to lower my tone of voice the louder they get. The more heated they get, the less heated I get. You can still make your point. But later, when they look back, they may see that they were the one acting irrationally.

  20. Roopa

    what i do when i come across a negative person…
    1. Forgive
    3. “Does it really matter if I am right?”
    4. Don’t Respond
    5. Stop Talking About It
    6. Be In Their Shoes
    7. Look for the Lessons
    12. Avoid Heated Discussion

    i can’t choose to eliminate the person from my life… but i really feel bad that i have to go through it again and again. i can’t speak anything… always, she gets to speak. always, i have to listen.

  21. Roopa

    all the above points are very easy to say, but very difficult to practice. at the end of the day, even we are human beings, even we feel like speaking and venting out the anger/ bad feeling, but we can’t speak. y should we always listen? y can’t the other person be or atleast try to be as calm as i’m thinking. don’t i have a chance to shout and expect that the other person listen to me?

  22. Excellent article. I loved it. This article is helpeful to everyone in this world.

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