Dealing with Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Photo by Kara Pecknold
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
- “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
- “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
I’ve had fun with a casual “I’m sorry. Did you say something?” after a rude comment or interaction. Most people don’t have the guts to say these things twice, with your full attention on them. It’s a way of letting them know that they’re not going to get away with being insulting, but without escalating the situation.
thank you for the positivity !!!
Yet again tina nice work.. liked the shopping cart scenario :)
I found these tips to be very specific and very helpful. I long ago gave up trying to change other people’s argumentive perceptions. Sometimes people just aren’t ready.They are going to see the world through their own lens anyway so I need to focus on more positive energy. Thank you for all the time you spent putting this together.
Hello Tina,
Just dropping a line to say hello! I just cam across your blog and found it very interesting, and in line with a lot of my philosophys in life. I too am on a constant journey in this life….love the post!
Hi Tina,
today is blogday 2008 (http://www.blogday.org/) and I like to inform you that I recommended your blog some hungarian readers. I hope they will enjoy your blog like me, and I hope you will be a part of blogday as well.
Excellent post! Dealing with difficult people on a daily basis is inherent to my work. I am sharing this post with my colleagues in hopes they find it as helpful as I have.
It’s easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. Difficult people are our best tests. It’s counterintuitive, but if you find a way to agree with your critic, you take the wind from their sails.
Thanks so much for this. Great advice. In my own life I’ve found #2, 7, 10 and 13 to be the best ways of dealing with annoying, negative, and argumentative people. I have a boss right now who is driving me crazy, and I will hang onto this well-written list…maybe tape it inside my desk. :)
I think “Look for the lessons” is the best tip for dealing with difficult people and/or a negative situation. There’s always something we can learn… from any situation!
great advice…I personally employ number 4 all of the time when dealing with difficult people..It’s always best to know when to pick and choose your battles..
Great post! First time visiting your site, and so far so good!
What a timely post! I work as a cabin crew member for a large international airline and am often faced with negative and difficult passengers and colleagues, almost all of whom I’ve realised really just want some attention (and usually an upgrade!). I’ve been called many derogatory names, have been spat on and accused of all sorts of discrimination, often over the littlest things such as not having an extra blanket, or running out of Pepsi. I know I do my job well but there are just some things I can’t control!
Pour honey. I had been using the term, Kill them with Kindness, but Pour honey is far more positive way of looking at it and really encapsulates the notion of doing away with the negativity completely. What’s more, it works. In the crowded confines of a cabin 40,000ft in the air, most passengers eventually feel embarrassed by their outburst and actually apologise when my reaction to their poison is words of sugar sweet thanks and appreciation.
Not only do I get an apology, I prevent myself from having reports written against me and have actually received a letter of compliment from another passenger who witnessed me handle a particular situation onboard by ‘pouring honey’.
Hey,
I thought this was a really interesting and intelligent post. The only thing that niggles me – and this isn’t a criticism – is the idea of the ‘right’ to express a negative opinion of someone else to begin with. If we’re talking about rights then you have to mention the counterpoint of responsibilities; the two aren’t mutually exclusive ideas. I find the idea of being offensive and poisonous towards someone else because it’s your ‘right’ to hold and express an opinion incredibly dubious. There is surely a responsibility to be careful of other people’s feelings? In the end all opinions (including this one) are subjective, relative and ultimately worthless.
I deal with negative people all the time. Unfortunately, I can’t really avoid them since they are customers of our online store. Most of these tips are very useful. They are just hard to follow sometimes
@Steve C: I read the 4 hour workweek from Timothy Ferriss, and he had a good point on how important (or not) are the difficult customers for a company. His point is, that difficult customers usually don’t spend a lot of monney at your company. They cost a lot of time. It’s better for the company to focus on customers who buy the most product/service.
If those customers are difficult – well that’s not good.
Good write up. Personally, i think its really important that we take a look at people’s motives when they express a negative opinion about us. What spurred those hurtful words. Sometimes it could be out of the grudges they have been nursing overtime, and when it comes out negatively, its always hurtful. Its easier said than done, for one to ignore such abusive words because naturally, we use our hearts and our minds to interpret the words we hear. For me it has been difficult to deal with negative people.
I love you thoughts! Every few month I try to do a negativity purge and eliminate some of the things and even people who give off too much negativity. This is one I will be sharing with a few people…
xoxo~
I just found your blog through a link on The Happiness Project and I was I ever glad! After reading several of your pages and enjoying them, this one stood out to me the most, because I went through many years of dealing with a particular nasty person. I couldn’t have avoided the person, due to the particular situation we were in.
Looking back, I realize that I finally was able to cope better when I learned (the hard way) that some people are actually mental cases but disguised under beautiful facades! When I went back to college for a master’s degree, I took several psychology courses and learned much about narcisstic personalities, abnormal psychology, etc,.
You are right on with your tips and the first one was to forgive. The fact that I figured out that a person wasn’t completely sane or reasonable didn’t even come first. I just made up in my mind that my harboring anger and hate was not hurting them in the least; but it was hurting me. I was giving them space in my head, when I really wanted to throw out the memory of them. I decided to forgive the person; I decided also to focus on other people and other issues to change my train of thought. Relief didn’t come overnight, but after that initial adjustment in my head, I began to see the issue more objectively. Then came my realization that as beautiful (on the outside) as this person was, it was what had totally fooled me into not seeing their mental problems more clearly.
Your other tip was to not talk about it, and I truly agree with that. I used to have some pals with whom I would dump on; I told them my hurts, and they saw them too, but their sympathy was all they could give. When I made my decision to forgive, I realized that my rehearsing the ‘facts’ over and over, just made the problem even more ‘real’ to me. When I saw that, I stopped all communication about said person, and their importance to me became less and less.
Your tip about avoiding the person was the easiest for me, because eventually this person moved far away. I was so thankful for that! When you have tried everything to work with a person, and everything has failed, just mark it down as too frustrating to try anymore. Avoid them, and have no more contact with them if possible. In time, you will forget the problems and the person too.
Now, if I feel someone is too difficult to deal with, I treat them civil and professionally, but that is the end of my involvement. ( I am a lot older and smarter now! lol)
How did I handle it?
I left.
I quit my job in August and started a new job in September. I’m truly blessed to have found something I love near my home. :)
Thank you for writing this. Your insight has really helped me through some tough times.
What a great article… Thank you. I appreciate the advise and
information. Surrounded by negative people you tend to lose
sight of your own peace. Thank you again.
Thank you for this article. I had come across it a week ago and searched the web for it again tonight. I have just received the ugliest, most abusive letter from a parent of one of my students that I have ever gotten in 21 years of teaching.
Just knowing that I had this column to access made my adrenaline begin to drain away. Thank you for keeping me from wasting my time grieving over this incident.
I remember a book someone wrote with the title “What you think of me is none of my business” You are right, it IS a reflection on them. I have to put myself in the shoes of the poor child who has to be around that parent all the time. It makes me feel a need to care about them even more.
Let me clue you in on the dirty little secret of our society: these techniques work on the 96% of people who actually have a conscience, but the 4% of people who you will encounter in your lifetime are covertly aggressive (ie predatory sociopaths: for which there are no cures) and will continue playing mind games & never assume responsibility for the pain they cause knowing damn well that others will forgive them. They will never know what guilt, regret or love is and will continue exploiting others for their own benefit. If you feel trapped, get out. We all need to work towards becoming assertive, and become better observers of one another’s behavior before establishing trust in any relationship. Do something for yourself everyday to build inner strength, be it meditation, prayer, exercise, yoga, writing etc. For those who want to be enlightened, read The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout or In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Jr.
Peace out.
what if the ‘difficult person’ is your spouse who is convinced of being a victim and is constantly reacting.
I often find myself unexpectedly in painful arguments with my spouse who trusts no one, not even me – and she says so. Even an ordinary comment on my part, a suggestion such as ‘why don’t you rest a while’ becomes proof of her thesis that I’m just trying to control her. This usually spirals out of control into long arguments which can be avoided using some of the suggestions in your article, but it also creates further distance in an already fractured marriage. I love her and know that we could have a beautiful life if only we could meet in truth. I’ve almost given up after years of patience.