Dealing with Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Photo by Kara Pecknold
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
- “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
- “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
@ Tina,
Your advices are good, but I’m in a situation where I need to work with this very negative and difficult person… that is also manipulative and a bully…
I’m in this position and trying the best I can to follow several rules for 4 years now. I even got the chance to move from the office we shared to another location. She always bullies someone around her. At first, I was her boss and I guess she was too intimidated to pick me from the start, since she picked one of her colleagues, but I saw through what she was trying to do.
At some point during the 1st two years I went on a burn-out. When I came back, I decided to just join the team to help since that she was going on maternity leave. While she was away, there were no particular issues within the team. When she came back, she refused to speak to me or to work with me (I might even say that she is following the 8th rule herself on me).
I’m at the point of where I will need to sacrifice my job, which I like, because she makes it hell for me… I don’t find that fair!
Any thoughts?
@Helln
Sounds like she needs to be fired if she is making the workplace environment uncomfortable for others. She probably hates her job and is expressing her dislike with the people she works with.
I would recommend that you speak candidly and openly with someone who supervises her, or is the boss’s boss. There isn’t a whole lot we can do, as co-workers than to do our best to not let other people bother us. But in the position where your work is being effected, I would first talk to your manager. That’s what managers are paid to do.
@Frustrated
Speak to her manager about this. If the manager doesn’t respond, talk to your manager’s manager.
@kristin
I feel bad to hear about your story. You have two options:
1) Speak to the teacher in charge of you, and express how something she said made you feel. Ask if there’s anything you can do so that she can ask you or speak to you in a different way. Be honest and candid, but without pointing fingers at her, so that she becomes defensive. Express how something made YOU feel.
2) Talk to the faculty advisor, but give specific and valid examples of how she may have acted inappropriately.
@pc
When abusive comments becomes racist or sexist, that is called being out of line, and not acceptable in a professional setting. I don’t know your situation, but I would speak to his/her supervisor, or even the manager above that. And if you are in a profession like Lawyers with a professional association, report the person.
No one should endure abuse.
To EVERYONE Reading This
The article above is for normal cases of dealing with difficult people from your family or at work in typical cases. I am not advertise that you should suffer or do nothing for cases of severe verbal abuse. No one should endure that. Please do something about it, either talk to the person directly (in a non-confrontational manner), or talk to your manager or their manager at work.
Wow, I also really needed this today. Thanks Tina!! I have over the years had my strong days and my weak days in dealing with difficult people. What I can say I have learnt is that I can also be extremely difficult, and thats what I needed to do to be able to cope with those situations. I was once told that when something bothers you about someone else, its usually because you have a unresolved issue that their action has triggered. Dealing with that in a understanding and honest way can bring the best results. This article has just centered me again because i was going off track. I do believe that everyone has good and bad days, and being female and dealing with PMS has also helped! (As funny as that may be!) Though it puts you in situations where your emotions and reactions can be volatile and unexpected and its only fair to keep in mind that everyone can be like that. I try and also look at the funny side of the situation if i can, it defuses it quick if you can get it right and turns a situation that could of made you feel miserable into something that makes you feel good.
Lisa
very well written. yesterday i wrote a similar article on Balloon approach to remain positive. If you have time do let me know your views on it.
I usually just fight. When the fight is over, someone wins, someone loses, but there is always a definitive winner and loser.
Amazing! I have just recently under a situation where I am surrounded by difficult people. They all try to bring me down and sabotage my work. This article helps me put things back on the right perspective.
The only comment I have about this article is the line that says “However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” This is completely untrue. When a person strikes their dog, his first instinct is to bite and defend himself. However, they rationalize, use their brain, and make decisions.
A Dogs Quote: “Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet I CHOOSE not to bite you.”
Other than that, great article.
I really had difficult times handling negativity and difficult people. As long as i tried to ignore them, it pops me up to give it back to them and makes me like i am waiting for my turn to go after them. I was there with my friends, who they bully an odd person as he cannot react back to it. But i have seen it that everyone will get to them the same thing right back ,no matter how strong they are. so, I demonstrate ,even if u want to be so not to show your negativity, it comes out definitely,, its a inherent insecure condition a man cannot take bullying him anyone of his ideas or character ,,,whatever.
Very helpful article – heres something that worked for me:Think about someone you just cant imagine anyone messing with and try and work out why. Usually you find its something as simple as body language – they walk into a room very confidently – they look very self assured – and it is very difficult for the office bully / negative or difficult person to make a comment or knock them down. So they pick on someone else – you or me perhaps – with head down looking slightly apologetic for being there – much easier target ! There will always be negative difficult or aggresive people out there – you cant change that – but you can stop being chosen as an easy target – even acting more confidently gives you more confidence and eventually as less people treat you negatively you become more self assured -for real. Also try this mantra – people can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Good luck.
I’m not sure if I agree with #5 about not talking about it. I feel like it’s unhealthy to not vent or talk about it, although I also agree it’s not good to beat a dead horse. I’ve never seemed to find a solution that works for me. Most of the time, I just look for another job because negative/difficult people are always going to be a step ahead of me.
Yeah thats a helpf ful article – people are bored and unhappy – thats why their negative – I cant relate to it at all so its very hard for me to deal with
I found the part about negative people being unhappy and bored very interesting. I often wonder what goes on in the minds of people who don’t have anything better to do, than just make up false thoughts in their mind and act on them. I wonder whether they lack positive friends in their life or maybe lack a healthy social life.
This acticle made alot of my thoughts about negative people very clear to me.
Thank you…..
I am facing a difficult person for 2 years! And worst still, she is my work buddy… it resulted in both of us not handling to each other work related stuffs when either one is not around. Boss are aware too.. We have requested for a change in buddy for so long, but it was refused.. boss keep saying that I need to deal with her positively.. I have been trying to ignore her bad comments, her gossip, how she try to create politics… but still.. I may be able to ignore her for awhile but not forever..she will try to find trouble for me.. can someone advise me how to deal with her? Should I stop ignoring her?
Hi Amy,
“What we resist, persists.”
The more we ignore and not accept something, the more it will bother us. The best thing to do here is to practice acceptance and compassion.
I understand that it sounds easier said than done, but I believe that the Universe presented you with this challenge so that you can grow and expand yourself through overcoming this challenge.
If you must work with this person, and there is nothing else you can do (ie. management), then practice fully accepting her, observe your reactions to her comments or actions with awareness, observe without judgement (as if you are the third person, unrelated to the situation).
People only have as much power over us, if we allow it. Stop giving the situation power.
Warmly,
Tina
Thank you SOOO much for this article! I know it was written last year, but after dealing with a difficult moment this morning with two coworkers, I had to gain perspective. I posted this on my blog, giving all credit to you.
Thanks again!
http://www.xanga.com/babyrowanpaige
Thank you, this article is insightful, concise and powerful.
1. Take any logs out of your own eye before confronting the one
making you angry. These are difficult to see, pray and ask God to
reveal them to you. Thoughtfully read through the book of Proverbs
and consider where you need to change. Pray for love for this
person and reject any hateful/complaining thoughts towards them.
“Dislike” is the same as “hate,” just a milder form. Cut out hatred in
your heart at it’s root.
2. Seek advice from a friend or respected elder who is not afraid to tell
you the painful truth. Ask them to point out your faults in this
situation. Be willing to accept whatever he/she tells you.
3. Don’t complain to the person you have problems with about the
problem, but offer constructive solutions and encouragement
towards the right thing.
Great article and blog. We’re all learning, even those who refuse to learn.
I think the trick is reacting with a less destructive response than “giving the negativity back”. I still react to the general philosophy that developing a strategy for difficult people is even necessary, BUT… since it is (swallow…choke!) I try to develop ways to react to the person’s issues with charm and dignity, while also communicating that their rudness isn’t going to be tollerated.
I have a coworker who is just awful. Poor communicatior, unable to see other’s perspective, or even to allow that they are entitled to one… interrupts (not interjects, over runs any person that speaks a contrary point). At first I observed and absorbed it, following the appropriate social response of just trying to get away as soon as possible with little confrontation. During the second or third meeting I specifically asked for the courtesy to finish my thoughts so we could address the business issue. When we reached no agreement I suggested we meet with management. This worked the one time – she came and apologized, then we reached an agreement… but with discomfort. A few weeks later she “stepped” on me again, and I walked away. I met with leadership and expressed my concerns, then indicated that when I was spoken to incorrectly my response was only going to be “Ouch”. Two ouches were allowed, on the third I was going to insist that a meeting be set for a moderated conversation.
Although I don’t feel GOOD about having to go to this much effort, and I DO stress over it all the time, I also expect that my methods will be respected by all in the long run. The learning and development of this other creature is not my responsibility (ARRRGH! Hard for me to grasp) but I also have a responsibility to my self and my employer to learn coping skills that do not interfere with business objectives.
Doesn’t help that if I lowered myself to her level, and matched her voice in both tone and decibels, I could slam dunk her from here to kingdom come. I don’t enjoy doing it, even though I could do it VERY well and end the issues.
At what cost to psyche, energy, relationships, networking, peace and piece of mind!
Not worth it!
Great advice…I follow it religiously. I have a person in my life who is unbearably mean and negative and is constantly trying to bring me and my family down with her. I can’t avoid her because she has a child with my husband. As much as we try to disengage, to not acknowledge the negative behavior, it becomes impossible when she involves my 9 year old step son. When she can’t get the negative response from us that she is looking for, she used my stepson as a weapon. HELP! What can I do to make it stop?
Hi Jessica,
1. Stop labeling her as a mean and negative person. Stop talking about her as a person seeking negative response.
2. Accept her for who she is. Remember, only we can allow other people to affect us. What power they have over us, is the power we’ve given them to have over us. Decide that you will not give her any more power. Do not react or reject what she says or does. Accept her.
3. Sounds like she’s in her survival mode. One thing we can do to help someone out of survival mode is to give them genuine appreciation. This will trigger love in them, and bring them out of the state they are in. Try giving her compliments (honest and authentic compliments) for things she’s done well, and thanking her for things you appreciate about her.
Love and awareness is the key to overcome this.
You may also find this recent article to be helpful (Simply replace the story with your own story. The tips are applicable to your situation as well):
How to End Suffering
Warmly,
Tina
SUPER article!! Thanks so much!!
Hi, how can you possibly think this is valid? Remove those negative people from your life? you might be married to them, they might be your brother or brother-in-law or mother-in-law or close co-worker. Give me a break. That is a platitude, grasshopper.
Thank you so much for this! I needed it, and some of it was very original.
I am the negative person that frustrates you. I’m trying hard not to be. You are right about a lot of things. I do act this way unconsciously, out of my own pain. I’ve been hardwired to think negatively from childhood. And my outlook affects much of my daily life. One part of me is feeling good about using these tools you’ve suggested to help myself be more positive. The other part is angry at the type of people you are…the type that focus on themselves and give not a moment to others. Maybe you shouldn’t, maybe you can’t. I’m angry at those who ignore my pain. I’m angry with myself for letting it out, even now. Its like a secret see. No one wants to be around a negative person. So, what do I do? Be alone while I try to change on my own? Seek help, right? Talk to a 3rd party counselor that isn’t really emotionally vested in me anyway. Lol…so cynical I know. Its perhaps a twisted way to get attention. Yes, I’ve considered that. Honestly, its so much a part of my personality, its hard to not be negative. From my heart of hearts, and this is the worst part, my fear is being left alone. Anyway…just thought I’d write from the other side of the spectrum.
Good suggestions over in dealing difficult people. Act of assertive will work on some situations. In a situation when that difficult person is someone you respect most (e.g parents or grands), it really bring your pressure up. Emotion can break down in this difficult situation couple with other hidden issue like what cause the person to flare, lots of imagination and saying things that utterly untrue…
Using assertive method will only make matter worst.