Dealing with Difficult People
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
Photo by Kara Pecknold
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
- “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
- “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!
I liked what you had to say and think it made a lot of sense. I needed some quick tips in dealing with a difficult person in my own life right now and needed adive “pronto” so I found this helpful and reassuring, thank-you!
Thanks for the very helpful information, it helps make sense of some rude people. I have found over the years that I feel just as bad whether I “eat” the rude persons comments or say something like “what in the hell is that supposed to mean”. I guess I decide at the moment which response to use and try to live with it. It is always an awkward moment and I know I am going to feel mad at myself afterwards. Eventually, when I settle down I usually remember that it was at least a good reminder for me to try and improve myself.
Hi, I’m writing an essay for school about conflict and resolution, and out of all the books I’ve read, and websites I’ve visited, yours was by far the most helpful and insightful. Thank you!
I I’m a very passive person when it comes to people I work with. I work in a ER and there are severeal nurses there that treat me like Crap. I want so badly to stand up to them but feel like I will be a fool and say something stupid. What should I do? This has been going on for several years.
i am having a difficult time with my mother-in-law. She often tells other people in the family when she has an issue with me. It never fails to find its way to me by those people. most recently, (she is having financial problems) i went to the grocery store with her, we both had items to buy.. i offered to pay for hers. she accepted. she offered to take me out to lunch afterwards, i accepted. fast forward 3 weeks later… my bro-in-law is chatting with me on instant messenger and tells me that “mom was insulted when you bought her groceries”. this really hurt. i told him i wasn’t interested in engaging in the converesation anymore. he kept sending hurtful messages that i was acting immature. he said he was trying to help by telling me what she told him. i asked him to stop her next time and tell her to talk to me about any issue that involves me. i doubt she will ever do that because this seems to be the way she is and i have confronted her before, yet it still happens. it hurts that her and i can’t be open and honest, and it hurts to hear comments like that from other people! any suggestions?
Anna, I feel your pain. I had a difficult mother-in-law for over 20 years. I did come across one bit of advice that worked with her in one area. She was always telling me what to do, and how to do it. It drove me insane. The advice was – instead of arguing with her about how my way was right, and why I wasn’t going to do it her way – ask her for MORE advice. Ask for details of how it should be done, and why it should be done that way. She loved that, She would go on and on, of course, but that was better than arguing with her. And the more often I could remember to respond that way, the less confrontational she became.
Can’t say as I ever had any luck with the type of problem you have. The best I could muster in those situations was “don’t respond.”
Which was tough.
thank you!! “Don’t respond” is probably to absolute best thing to do, but yes… the hardest thing. And I am usually still stewing on the inside, playing conversations over and over in my head, but outwardly not responding. So, it’s tough. I do feel like I want to confront her, yet once again…although history shows that has not helped. I really need to let things go and become the person who realizes that what someone says that is hurtful towards me is usually not about me at all… soo not easy. Communication is a beast!!
Hey liked the artical, should have been called dealing with negative people instead. none the less was just what i needed.
One point i would like to make, and maybe someting you would like to think about as well. its not so simple to just cut the negative people out of your life. maybe the reason for them to be around you is because they are also trying to suround them selfs around positive and strong people just like you said. yes messery loves company, but that company you provide could be just what pulls them out of it. and it does not always mean that you will be drained of energy…. it means that you your self have to be able to retain the energy (and power if you will) for your self. And in doing so you are some times able to sometimes empower others but not of all your self…. not an easy thing to do but it is rewarding. how ever if your not up to it then dont. simple as that
this is brilliant!!!i was lookin 4 a title for my speech. thank u SO much!!!
This article was wonderful. It is something like I’ve read before, but it is all very true. I know if I’d just buckle down and apply it, it’d work wonders.
I’ve just come across your site, I enjoy it as I like to “think simple now” :)
I’ve recently encountered difficult people, one of which was (what I thought of as) a dear friend who I depended on during my time of job layoff. After picking myself up and getting a new job by the grace of God, I was able to move on and am in a new and different place in my life.
Unfortunately, she took this as my “not needing her anymore” and personally attacked and turned on me.
I know that your advice is valid in most circumstances. I do feel though, that the fact your column has received over 200 comments since first being posted nearly 2 years ago shows us something: People want (and need) to feel heard.
With that said, I do feel that it is sometimes appropriate to respond to difficult people. Not react. RESPOND. Understand that everyone you meet in life is a teacher. Difficult people especially. And while yes, you may have to walk away… at one point, a pivotal one, I believe it is our Responsibility as mature and positive-minded people to talk back. Not irresponsibily, not in the manner in which we are attacked or negatively spoken to… but, as a person who understands and can say I’m sorry you feel this way. That was never my intent. And let them know the truth… if they have a problem, a mature conversation can usually solve it. Then… if they respond, great. If not, atleast you tried.
I feel that just as my friend wanted to be heard, I did too. I responded proactively and with kindness, and also let her know that she should consider her approach the next time, as mean and hurtful words would not work on me. Then I closed that chapter.
I think… with family members and people we thought were friends especially, it is our duty as good people to hold them accountable.
At that, I am able to move on. I cleared my conscience. Whether my friend accepts it, is up to her. But I feel good knowing that I tried.
Great information, I have never ever seen the beautiful points to deal with difficult peoples.. Actually my main problem is i can’t speak straight forward with the negative peoples. I’m afraid very much..If speak straight forward to them do they harm me or do they get any problem to me. I will follow these points and lets see what changes it makes in me. Thank you in Advance and let you know with other comments..
I must tell the truth that this article is right about many things that is happening to me right now on youtube.com, a 9th grade boy in my school who likes me, etc. and i respond with negativity to all of them. They always respond back with or without negativity, and i hate it because then i can’t focus on my high school education because i’m still thinking about the next time i’m in a conflict when i can burn that person again. I have people who care about me who will help me whenever i’m about to/or already have a conflict that i can turn to all the time.
Great article. I think it’s important to point out that negative individuals do not always appear negative. I know lots of people who appear happy, even very friendly on the outside. Some of these people in my life turn out to be consistenly nice & positive while some turn out to be the ones I choose to be around briefly because they believe that socializing means gossiping about others. It’s become a trend that I do not want to be a part of. I know how painful it can be to go through something traumatic and hear people laughing about it.
So, sometimes people are not always as they appear.
i like to write out my thoughts on paper and study it. after that, i write about all the fun times i had in my life without that person. i laugh to myself and enjoy life to its fullest when i am away from the people i don’t really like. when life gives u enemies, try your best to avoid them.
I love this Article!!!
Nicely put.
Learning to use it.
Thanks
This is article was pretty good. The only thing I do not like about it is that this author mentions about being in the shoes of these nasty rude people. That, to me, is an excuse. There is no excuse to be hateful and nasty. I have met people who have come from less than ideal environments and were extremely courteous and kind.
Yeah everyone has an opinion on this. Zach was right. Cant always be passive as people would see you as being a soft touch and might take advantage of you in the future. One could counter stratedy described by Berne in the book “games people play” is to NAME THE GAME. If someone is stuck in a cycle of behaviour, like they always pick on you for a certain thing… you are forgetful… you are always dropping things. Then naming the game takes the weapon right out of their hands. For example. Someone is constantly trying to make you look stupid, perhaps to make a girl stop liking you or something, which is the worst kind of humiliation. Get them on their own or even in public and literally say to their face, “i get that you are trying to make me look stupid but im not going to respond”, or “dave, you seem to be trying very hard to make me look stupid, is there a reason for that?”. Trust me they wont have a response and if they do they will only make themselves look bad. The only thing they can say back is either “sorry i didnt mean it” or “well you are an easy target, you are always doing stupid things” (or something that basically means the same thing). To the latter your answer could be, “well if you see my doing something stupid then maybe you could help me instead of trying to embarrass me in front of everyone”. Say it in a confident voice, don’t say it quietly, say it loud and proud. Trust me they will think twice before picking on you again.
They could also accuse you of having no sense of humour. To this I would just tell them that no one is laughing and that you dont find it funny… , or sarcastically say “oh sorry your right, that was absolutely hilarious, im laughing my tits off, you should be on stage” you will probably get a snigger from whoever heard this as they will probably be on your side anyway.
The most annoying people are the ones who are well practiced at put downs. Dont try to out jibe them because they will probably have quite a few comebacks up their sleeve for you and you will end up looking stupid. The above strategy is very effective, because once you have uncovered their habit and brought it right into consciousness then using it just wont feel clever for them any more. It doesnt just work for people getting on your back it works for pretty much anything. All you have to do is figure out what their pattern of behaviour is and tell them you are aware of it. They might deny it but next time they do it something will change, their behaviour will change and they will have to adapt to a new strategy to avoid the old one. Keep figuring it out and eventually you will have them acting in ways they have never acted before and they will totally lose confidence in what they are doing. Once they have lost confidence in themselves then you can start making friends and probing where this negative energy comes from (some insecurity)… once you find this then you have basically broken them and they will probably stop bothering you. If they turn on someone else, i.e. one of your friends then repeat procedure until they either totally change their ways or leave your social group altogether, at least while you are around. That’s the theory anyway try it and see what happens. Remember not to attack them. This will only give them ammo and good cause to attack you back…
I should also say that this isn’t necessarily a negative response. You can honestly tell them that their behaviour is bothering you and they may feel guilty, apologise, stop doing it and you become friends. Sometimes people are just trying to have a joke in the only way they know how and actually might like you. So dont attack them right away. On the other hand some people are seriously malicious and take pride in their ability to hurt other people. Many of them are beyond hope of positive behaviour. These are the people who you should relentlessly hound until they stop what they are doing. Dont forget all the toughest people have soft spots. Most of the time they are attacking as a pre-emptive defence.
… and finally saying all that. Either do that or just ignore them its up to you. But sometimes ignoring them actually makes you a very attractive target as they set themselves the challence of trying to make you explode.
You know, the more I read this article, the more my JOB came to mind… the job itself isn’t the problem, it’s the co-workers. That’s not a good thing. I have played the “ignore them” card for a long time now, but it only seems to stir up the piranha tank even more.
I think I’m going to quit my job :D
Thank you so much for this article!
I think a good thing to do with difficult people is to just point-blank ask them “What exactly do you want?” Doesn’t mean you are going to necessarily give them what they want. But usually they want something and this gives them a chance to talk. Then you can try to help them solve their problem. Notice I said “their” problem. Because it is their problem and you can only try to help them solve it.
Hi, I am new here. In fact, I stumbled upon the site because of a particular question I had Googled, which relates to this topic. Anyway, maybe someone can shed some light on my situation.
I recently text a friend who I have had a lot of difficult times with in the past… you cannot begin to imagine. Quite Frankly, I have walked the road with compassion with this person and have been constantly putting myself in their shoes and giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Honestly, I feel like a doormat as I feel taken for granted. With this person I had an open door policy; meaning they could always come to me when “they” had problem and they have taken that opportunity on numerous occasions, because the issues they wrestled with were so delicate and I really cared to help when they needed it. However, I would notice that when I would need a shoulder to lean on, “they” would not even make time for me, yet “they” would call and tell me their problems. If I decided one day that I would take some time out for myself or not disturb them, so as to make peace with them or give them their room and space, they would think that I was not caring enough. Just to mention, throughout this friendship I have always been the peace maker. Whether I was wrong or right, I would always initiate conversation and even apologize. But I found that I was doing this way too often and the other person would laugh and invalidate my feelings if circumstances were different; but being very caring and sensitive of others as I am, I would bounce back and we’d be back on track. This person has even said to me that I can never be a bad person and that the world needs people like me, but I feel used by this person, who often acts passive aggressively. And I am not saying these things to be mean. I do see potential and talent but “they” are for the most part quite negative and refuse to allow the people that really care to be of assistance.
Recently I called this person’s phone. The phone went into voice mail. I was simply calling to say that I I had arrived safely at a destination and got in return a very strange and what can be described as a “rough” reply. I was astonished and hurt because this is not how “they” are treated if I missed their call. Anyway, things went down hill from there and I swore not directly at the person but at the situation. Then in return I was cursed off in the worst way one can imagine. I asked them to clarify what they meant and gave them the benefit of the doubt and they never responded. I wrote an email to them again explaining which I know now I perhaps should not have written. But their words were so nasty– it really did disappoint me that they could so easily react this way. Especially when they have always said that they respected me.
When I went back out to work…the person acted as if nothing happened. There was no apology… there was no “hey you misunderstood my text… sorry I cursed you I was having a bad day…”–nothing. Instead they were saying hi and hello as if they hadn’t insulted me. I was angry because I knew to myself the kind of friend I had been to this person during testing and times in their life; and to be treated like this really did not feel good. So I ignored them because I was still upset. I didn’t want to be the woman who always was so forgiving and understanding to the point it hurt her own self.
At the end of the week I was fine… and I reiterated inwardly that life was too short and would much rather forgive than hold a grudge. So with a clearer head and a calmer spirit, I wrote how I felt and why I felt the way I did, and decided that if I saw the person I would speak to them normally. I didn’t expect them to speak back, and that’s exactly what happened. I was passed straight. I didn’t get angry though, in fact I surprised myself with a natural smile. I let them know that I did care for their well-being as a friend and that I just needed time to work out my anger. I also let them know that if they wanted we could speak about it when they were ready. I am quite sure that the email was received.
What does anyone think about the situation. I do not like having people upset with me, because I do not like to feel that I hurt someone– not because I am in some sort of denial, but I am too sensitive of other people’s feelings as well as their incorrect perceptions of me to the point I really don’t like anyone to get mad with me– because of me.
I look forward to some responses from anyone!
Regards,
Gabby