How to Find True Love
Photo by
Stock Photo
While “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic I’ve written on, it’s not surprising that a close second is the topic of How to Find True Love. Here’s an email from one reader:
“I’ve realized that one of my main goals is to find a worthwhile and long term relationship. I noticed you have entries on how to keep a relationship and on how to end a relationship so would you consider writing an entry on what you perceive to be the best way to find a worthwhile relationship. How to avoid making the same mistakes, overcoming fears, keeping up motivation after failure etc.”
– Gary (Dublin, Ireland)
Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved, and to be happy.
Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and wealth and fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.
If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of finding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are, you didn’t grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we certainly didn’t study relationships in our high school curriculums. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error and learning through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?
In light of Valentine’s Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time: finding love.
Personal Story
I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.
I’ve always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, I’ve often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.
Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.
My freedom day came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain. (Read my detailed journal entry from that day here.)
I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with relationship expert Alison Armstrong. I have come a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.
Problematic Relationship Patterns
Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.
1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities
As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?
Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.
Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.
2. Communication of Needs
Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.
So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.
Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.
3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default
Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.
The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.
Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.
We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.
Who Is Your Ideal Mate?
We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.
Photo: Emily Helen, The Best Kauai Wedding Photographer
The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.
The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to be extraordinarily happy.
What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.
For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.
In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.
Identifying Must-Haves
Here’s a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify the must-have qualities in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go through this, even if you are presently in a relationship.
Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.
Ready? Here we go:
Step 1. The Perfect Image
On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.
Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.
For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.
Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)
Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.
Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:
“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”
If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.
Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.
Step 3. Screening MRs
Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:
“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”
If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.
The Selection Process
I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.
First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.
Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.
Photo by Mike BG
On my first dates with any guy, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.
Personally, I was looking for a husband and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married before I turned 30 and to start making babies within two years of getting married. Oh, and I would also like to have two children. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.
Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.
As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.
Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.
Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.
Love Yourself First
As I mentioned in the article How to Overcome Breakups, the art of loving yourself is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also in finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves.
Another way of looking at this is to imagine each person in a relationship as a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the other is dependent, it’s like one stick is standing perfectly vertical and the second stick is leaning against the vertical stick. If the vertical stick moves horizontally, the leaning stick will fall. When two people are both independent and joined together through love, it’s like two sticks standing vertically. When they join together, they become a larger and stronger stick and they become interdependent and stronger. If one stick moves horizontally, the other stick will move with it.
Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the mirror.
Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi
Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.
When you truly love yourself, you will exude and spread a magnetic energy to those around you. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.
Forgiving Our Ex’s
When we hold onto unresolved issues from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage in our future relationships. I’ve found forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that contributes to the wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.
A few years ago I sat down with, or phoned, several of my ex-boyfriends, and apologized for hurt feelings I may have caused, and expressed and forgave them for my own hurt feelings from the relationship. This experience brought closure to those relationships, removed the baggage, and allowed new friendships to develop.
A Few Words On Sex
For those of us who are sexually active, I would like to point out one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is a chemical change that takes place in your body. In particular, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.
This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad fit for us, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it’s for a short amount of time. Far too often, these relationships can turn into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.
It is recommended by relationship experts to not have sex during your dating and selection process unless you are okay with being emotionally bound to that person or having that person be emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with someone unless they fit all the qualities on your MR list.
For more information on this topic, read chapter four of “The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.
Parting Words
People often ask, “Where should I go to find this person?” The logical answer provided by most is to go to places where such a person would hang out, but this practice can often lead to disappointment. My suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain clarity on what you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend time practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead spend your efforts on self development.
As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
* Got a love story you want to share? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!
Some of the ideas in the article are useful of course. And the exercise in writing lists about the partner you would like might be useful for self-exploration and self-understanding (which in turn is useful for having developing and maintaining positive relationships, of the romantic.
BUT overall, as far as fitting the title “how to find true love” sorry it’s bullshxt.
I can’t help wondering if the vast majority of people commenting how much they liked the article are all very young. And unaware of how much difference just the 10 years between, for example, age 20 and age 30 makes. There’s a huge difference in who you are, the type of people you value, the ways you might meet people, etc. Not to mention, the so-called “lots of fish in the sea” gets ridiculously smaller. There’s of course all the people already couple up, so they’re out. And then, very importantly you have a much better feeling of who you are, which means you simply (very much so in my experience) feel a connection sufficient for relationship intimacy with far fewer people. Essentially, whether I want them to be that way or not, my feelings are fussier. And so are the feelings of men.
Essentially you naturally get fussier as you get a little older (I’m 35 by the way), meanwhile partly because of what I consider painful and frustrating things about how society works, there are fewer people available to you!
So my key advice to very young adults would be to be completely fussy while you can get away with it more easily!! But I don’t mean by getting around with criteria in your head…i mean by paying attention to your real feelings. Is he or she someone you really connect with and feel for, or did you just both happen to be in the same room at the same time and so defaulted? (rather sadly I’m sure the latter is the basis of many relationships)
And last thing…more about the general criteria in the first place, and this notion of ‘screening’ people. UGH. Connection and the love that follows is not a mathematical formula. It’s chemistry (not just sexual either), it’s you feeling really good when you see that person smile, even if it’s not you that made them smile. It’s something in you just…recognizing and connecting to something in them.
And though of course you need to think enough about what you do to make sure you look after yourself…as far as finding true love, it’s not thought and analysis and criteria, it’s feeling.
Tina,
I just turned 18 and while I may be young to be thinking about finding a serious relationship I still do (probably due to the fact that I have the maturity of those a few years older than me). Anyway, I have been going through a rough patch recently, feeling the neglect and worried about missing out on the one and even making excuses for some that I knew were wrong in hopes that I might soon find something to “cling” to. This article has COMPLETELY change my way of thinking about life. My MR list is a little long but if you’re not honest with yourself then you’re wasting your time right? Basically, thank you, I’ve already told others about it.
Also, I can see where Angela is coming from about age of readers (being young myself, as mentioned) and the change in tastes, but optimism and mind set plays a big role in every aspect of life. I think that this article, even if it is “bullshxt”, it serves its purpose. I feel better about myself as a person and I have a clearer idea of what I want out of my potential partner.
I love and appreciate these column.i want a good girlfriend who cares for me from her heart.
This article really makes me think. I have never had a true relationship with any guy and I might know why right now. Its because I don’t really love myself. I don’t accept who I am. I am pretty insecure when I am around other guys because I don’t think I deserve to be accepted, or I don’t open up in fear of being judged. After reading this, I realized how unattractive that must be. Its unattractive to me. On my MR list, I wanted someone who loves himself and loves life. How can I get someone like that when I am not even like this?
I am only 18, I have lots of time. I now realize that I need to ACCEPT myself and love myself before I can love anyone else. I also agree that you can’t just go looking for love like its an item at a clothing store. I need to figure out me, and then I can be open to love. Love will come when I’m not searching for it.
I think the universe is teaching me a lesson. That I have to start loving me before the right person will come into my life.
Thankyou for this article.
Angela – I completely agree with you, I’m turning 28 in a week’s time. Everyone has their “timeline”, whether it’s for love, career, family or other matters – but it dawned on me today, post reading this article, that my personal perceptions, values and ways have dramatically changed as time has passed.
I agree that Tina has given some very useful insights to help clarify messy thoughts, however one must also acknowledge that every individual is unique – including their experiences and encounters. Hence Tina’s thoughts and advices should not be religiously applied without carefully adding in your own views. This is the part where I completely agree with Angela: age defines and dictates a large portion of how much of Tina’s theories apply.
After reading this article, I’m more convinced that there is no one formular or theory on finding love – but it’s good to know that I’m not the only one out there with this problem.
Good luck to all – wishing you happiness and finding true love.
Angela – I totally agree with you.
hiiiiiiiiii guys as i have said before that now i forget him so now im again fall in love with a guy.im very frank with him but he dont know that i love him and i also dont know that he loves me or not.well guys plz pray for me to make him love me.we meet everyday but when i cant meet him i feel very uncomfortable and the worst thing is that i have not seen him for 3 weeks.
Incredible points.
Sound arguments. Keep up the
good spirit.
Love and for all but not many men
All I can say is thanks, this has really helped.
Having just found out that I am unlikely to ever get my chance with the second person I have met who fits my MR list almost perfectly, I was aimlessly surfing the net when I came across this article. A lot of the points here are things that I have known for a long time, mostly learned from bitter experience, but there were still quite a few things that I found very enlightening and helpful.
To some degree I have to sympathize with Angela’s comments, I am coming up on 50 now and it does seem that the possibilities and choices do get a lot smaller with time. However, I also believe that if there is enough commitment then you can have a successful relationship with almost anybody. I was married for 20 years to someone who only fitted my personal MR list at about 50%. Whilst I am sure that this did not lead to the happiest marriage of all time, it was successful until illness overcame the commitment we had for each other.
Still, I don’t want to get to get morbid here, I just think that this is a great article and I really hope that people will be helped by some of the great advice in it. Who knows, maybe some of what I have learned from it might even help me.
I’m really not sure about some of the suggestions in the “love yourself” part though, I think that most guys would have trouble with quite a few of the suggstions. The idea is sound enough, I just think that more masculine exercises are needed in my case :~)
Keep up the good work.
These are really some of the best life quotes that certain will see around. Precisely what sets these types of and also other very good life quotes in addition to the remainder will be the widespread concept involving looking to increase the risk for globe a much better position. In the end, the meaningful life’s one that’s content, content material possibly at peacefulness.
hiiiiiiiii guys how are you all?did all read my story?
INSPIRATIONAL! THANKS
hiiii joebust where are you from?
guys dont stop coming here otherwise our friendship would be lost plllllllllllzzz
Muchas Gacias! I enjoyed your article and appreciate the opportunity to learn something new.
Great article! I really envy you!
It seems finding a man is very easy for you. My ex cheated on me terribly. I divorced in 2000, and never be able to find the right man. I used online dating sites to look for a date, but what I got are all troubles. It seems no one is honest and real anymore. They are all liars. Can anyone tell me where to go to find an honest man?
Tina, thank you so much for writing and sharing this. I’ve run across similar mentions in the past about making a list of what you’re looking for, but it never really clicked for me until I read your post. I finally went through the process yesterday, and already it feels like it’s helped.
One of the things I realized as a result was that we (well, I, but I imagine it’s not uncommon) can frequently meet someone who matches several of our Ideal traits, and become attracted and interested, but without realizing that they *fail* some of our Required traits. Then, we’re in this situation where we believe they’re a real potential, but we constantly run into problems, and we can’t understand *why*. We get stuck in this repeating cycle of attraction/hope and disappointment/hurt — believing they could be the right person, then being hurt when they don’t act like it. We’re attracted because clearly they have traits from our Ideal list, but we’re failing because we don’t realize all the traits that they’re lacking from our Required list — often because we didn’t consciously put together that Required list, so we couldn’t properly check against it before letting ourselves become emotionally involved.
So going through the exercise of putting together that Required list, I think, has distinct value in helping us more consciously and successfully filter potential matches, and helping avoid wasting our time and precious energies on ultimately doomed matches.
Btw, I came upon your article while searching for Alison Armstrong information. I’ve been listening to her material recently. It’s immensely underrated.
mary its sad that you have devorced .where does you live?
Hi Tina, great article! I went through a similar experience, always jumping from one relationship to another for fear of loneliness, I can’t imagine I wasted so many years!! Like you, I suddenly I realised this has to stop and I started to love myself more and focus on self development.
Frankly, I’m not an expressive person and when I tried to share my thoughts with my friends, they don’t seem to get it.
I’m so glad I found this article, it says exactly how I feel and I learned a few tips from you too.
Thank you!
Thank you for this fantastic article; I am in the process of making my MR list now! I wanted to thank you because several of your articles have been really helping me through a difficult time in my life. I check your site every day for more wisdom. Thanks so much.
I’m only 15, I know My my age is young and I have a few years before I try to date a settle down, all my friends have boyfriends and/or have had sex. I have never had a boyfriend or have had sex. Sometimes I feel lonely, partially because I’m shy and I have bad skin and I hate my appearance. I believe I will never find love, my skin gets worser and worser, and my hair is falling out, will I ever find love?
Hi Brionna,
After seeing your comment I felt that I should give you a little advice. Firstly, there is a great article on this site about loving yourself that I would recommend you read, I think that it could do a lot of good for you. 15 can be a difficult age and even though I am a dinosaur compared to you, I still remember how high the peer pressure can be. The symptoms you have described are not uncommon for a young person who is feeling under pressure, however, I would still recommend seeing a doctor to be sure that your symptoms are not the sign of something more physical like a vitamin deficiency or something.
This is all tied up with loving and looking after yourself and, once you start to love yourself, you will find that you will start to become more self confident. This in turn has the effect of making you feel and appear to be more attractive to others. One of the keys to life is how you see yourself and it is never too early or too late to “re-invent” yourself.
I was a terribly shy person when I was younger and some people think that I am still a little shy so I guess that I must be a little but I have learned one big lesson over the years and that is that the main difference between an introvert and an extrovert is one big smile. The other thing I have learned is that the more you try to conquer your shyness, the easier it becomes. When I was your age, it took me a lot of effort to even speak to someone that I did not know. Now though, I am confident enough to walk out onto a stage and make a complete fool of myself in front of hundreds of people. (Something that I seem to do on a disturbingly regular basis nowadays.)
One other thing that I remember from when I was your age was that those who boasted about their sexual expoits usually hadn’t actually done anything and the few who had, usually didn’t talk about it. Of course I didn’t know this until much later but I think that it might help you to know that much of what your friends are telling you is probably greatly exagerated.
One last thing I will say is that getting a boyfriend is not usually that difficult at your age but getting a good one can be. The good news is that often the good guys are the ones that have trouble finding the good girls.
@Colton,
You sound absolutely wonderful. It’s people like us who get hurt so bad when partners just aren’t deeply interested in the person they’re with. I have a failing business too! And just finished a 2.5 month drinking binge to get over my latest short term fling. Now am starting to come out of it and realise that one of my MRs is the ability of the other to understand and listen to me as well as talk to me. We’re gentle people at heart ; )