Dealing with Difficult People

270 Comments

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?

1. Hurting Ourselves

One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them

I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.

There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

3. Battle of the Ego

When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.

Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?

When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.

Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.

Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

5. Waste of Energy

Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.

6. Negativity Spreads

I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

7. Freedom of Speech

People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?

Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Photo by Kara Pecknold

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?“

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!

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Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Kathy Sierra: Angry/Negative People Bad for Your Brain
Book: Emotional Intelligence
Book: The Power of Now

270 Responses (260 Comments, 10 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Louis Liem

Aug 27 08, 5:25 pm UTC

1
I tend to flow with the conversation and let them say whatever in their mind. They can say anything they think of and it doesn’t matter to me because sometimes it’s only in their head.

But if they make the issue public, I would make my opinions heard too for sure, but not pushing them.
It worked quite well I think. Some of the people who have been difficult to my friends, express a different attitude towards me. They “demand less” :)
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net

Aug 27 08, 5:31 pm UTC

2
Good stuff Tina! I’ve found that if a negative person insults you and you take it to heart, it often shows a fear or shame that you have not examined or accepted fully. For instance, if someone accuses me of being a ten eyed monster, I probably won’t feel much beyond laughter. If someone called me a liar, or something, I might feel some anger or defensiveness, even if I never lied to him. But obviously I have lied to other people in the past, and I might not have fully accepted or forgiven myself for that.

Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Jonathan Mead

Aug 27 08, 5:34 pm UTC

3
The most powerful thing for me with dealing with difficult people, or everyone for that matter, is not taking things personally. Just that one agreement has the power to completely transform your life.

After all, I think we have enough to worry about ourselves. We waste too much time worrying about the opinions and approval of others. Like you said Tina, it’s not about us anyway. It’s about them.

Jonathan

http://illuminatedmind.net – Re-claim ownership of your Mind.
Evelyn Lim

Aug 27 08, 6:02 pm UTC

4
I like points #1 and #9. Currently, I’m practicing no judging and to exercise compassion for others. Instead of cursing under my breath like how I used to, I just assume that the other party is having a bad day, or simply very unaware of his or her own negativity (it’s like what you said that the outward expression is a reflection of one’s internal emotional state). As I observe the negative behavior with detachment, I can’t help but feel compassion.
Mike King

Aug 27 08, 6:07 pm UTC

5
Become the observer and pour some honey… Brilliant wording! I think these are the easiest way to not only avoid but completely dissolve a difficult situation or person. If you look at WHY they might be reacting it gives you some room to help and if you return in kindness instead of in kind, you can quickly diffuse someone who is upset no matter the reason.
HIB

Aug 27 08, 6:19 pm UTC

6
Great post! I’m a first time visitor and I really enjoy your blog. Great stuff!
Thanks!
-HIB
Devan

Aug 27 08, 6:26 pm UTC

7
In a direct confrontation situation, i.e. face to face or on the phone, I find one of the best things to do is to just pause, and breathe. I mean, really breathe deeply and consciously. Sometime it means I stop talking for about 30 seconds or so mid stream. This has several effects:

1. the breathing physically relaxes my mind/body
2. the pause sometimes make the other person stop and take stock of the situation, which sometimes means they calm right down
3. the pause gives them ample opportunity to vent and expend their negative energy so we can restart the conversation in a calmer manner

Oddly, I find that doing this almost always makes me smile. I don’t know if it is an ‘oxygen buzz’ or the genuine letting go of stress but I usually get some funny imagery or see the funny side of the situation!
Eng. Hasan Al-Bahkali
Aug 27 08, 6:39 pm UTC

8
Nice blog
Lewis

Aug 27 08, 6:40 pm UTC

9
Tina,

Some great suggestions here! I would have to agree with the point on going for a run. If something or someone frustrates you, the best way to flush out the negative feelings are to burn it off with a run or a tough workout.

Thanks for your post.
Writer Dad

Aug 27 08, 6:42 pm UTC

10
The picture of the woman drinking from the bottle of wine caught me completely by surprise. It made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

******************

REPLY

hahaha.. I put that there since I found it to be funny and ironically appropriate. :) Glad you got the joke.

Tina
Nathalie Lussier

Aug 27 08, 7:00 pm UTC

11
I love how all of your articles have such a personal touch, even on topics like this one that we all deal with.

I used to deal with difficult people by just shutting down. Now I like to take a step back and relax before I “react”. Usually by thinking about something else I will see the situation differently. Also I like to ask myself: will this really matter to me in 10 years from now?
Natalie Ferguson

Aug 27 08, 7:12 pm UTC

12
Don’t Respond is the biggie.

If they are truly negative, they are hanging out WAITING for you to rise to the bait. If you ignore them, it hurts them more.

Not that I’m a vindictive person, but if someone is out to hurt you and you appear unfazed, it really irks them.

If they aren’t and have a valid point, you probably will realise that within a day or two and be able to talk it through
deeesseee
Aug 27 08, 8:26 pm UTC

13
This article is stupid.
You are stupid.
This whole website is stupid.

Only joking, hope I didn’t get to you. Great article, like always. Definitely one that I wish I could really take to heart.
Snoop Digg
Aug 27 08, 8:37 pm UTC

14
How I deal with difficult people:

1. First I take a deep, calming breath and think about puppies.
2. I sew an entire blanket to keep my mind off the trouble.
3. I eat two bags of cheetos.
4. I adopt a Vietnamese child.
5. I eat pork rinds.
6. I kick the difficult person in the groin.
Just Joking
Aug 27 08, 8:40 pm UTC

15
Just punch them in the face. Problem solved :)
Jennifer
Aug 27 08, 8:45 pm UTC

16
Loved your idea’s. Will be sure to use them. Glad I found this website.
Milliner
Aug 27 08, 9:09 pm UTC

17
You ought to read David Viscott, MD’s book, “Emotional Resilience.” This article touches on a lot of concepts, but offers no technique for accomplishing them. Telling people to “forgive” doesn’t tell them anything; people may know what word implies, but they don’t know how to do it; I sure didn’t. In order to forgive one has to admit one’s own partial responsibility, and not only recognize that the other person is a human being who makes mistakes, who was raised a certain way, but that they have to forgive themselves for the same reasons.
The Baroness

Aug 27 08, 9:12 pm UTC

18
Wow. This article is beautiful, and I feel that it is truly serendipitous that it came my way today!! Thank you!
business

Aug 27 08, 9:14 pm UTC

19
Timing of this couldn’t be better. Just started my new cubicle job with hostile co-workers.
Rick

Aug 27 08, 9:18 pm UTC

20
Apologize! I work with the public in a grocery store. Be careful what you apologize for. I typically apologize for the “confusion” most of the time. If someone is angry, I’ll try to stay calm and ask questions. It’s often a misunderstanding and a lot of times I apologize that I can’t help them anymore. Sometimes I can think of something that “might” help them. ie. a package sauce instead of the bottled sauce they were looking for and we might be out of. Most people just want to be heard and have their opinion respected, even if you think it is “off the wall.” Saying “I never thought of it that way.” gives them credit for “originality” and following up with a smile or something silly like “Well, we have to let the competition win sometimes!” Or “Of course, I was hired for my looks…and yes that was a loooong time ago!”
Paul
Aug 27 08, 9:35 pm UTC

21
A lot of very sensible advice which I will refer back to often.

My one concern is about cutting negative people out of your life. Seen this advice around a lot. It seems unduly selfish since you have already said they are just bored and unhappy.

Everyone gets negative once in a while, some people more than others, but often with good cause. It would be a terrible world if people thought that they should cut out everyone they know who has any kind of problem. Anyone could suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of this summary punishment.

Intelligent balanced people can benefit themselves and gain a deeper understanding of the world by trying to understand less happy people and becoming a positive influence in their lives. The skills you learn will benefit you in your career in negotiations and in your relationships with other people who have more admirable qualities.
Zach
Aug 27 08, 9:48 pm UTC

22
I totally disagree with the overall passive strategy. In general there are 3 ways to respond to a conflict: Passively, Aggressively, and Assertively. You’re suggesting it is almost always appropriate to be passive, where as I believe 90% of the time, an assertive response is appropriate.

I think we let people get away with bad behavior too often, and not confronting them reinforces that behavior. Imagine someone steps on your foot at the grocery store, then gives you a dirty look and says “get out of my way.” What if someone does the same thing to a 10 year old child? Damn right I’m going to confront them. I’ll tell them “That was extremely rude. You don’t treat people like that.” Are they going to apologize and make amends? Maybe, but probably not. They’ll probably just yell at you or say more rude things to you. That’s when you can say “This conversation is over”, and walk away. You may still be angry, but you’ll feel a lot better than if you had done nothing. And you’ve shown the rude person that there are consequences to bad behavior. If they’re going to treat people poorly, they’re going to hear about it. Is that a strong enough consequence? Ideally, perhaps not, but it’s much better than nothing and only takes you a few extra seconds.

As I mentioned, around 90% of the time, and assertive response is appropriate. However I do agree there are times when it is appropriate to be passive. For example, if being assertive would put your life or job in jeopardy, a passive response is probably the best choice. If someone cuts you off in traffic and gives you the finger, it’s probably not worth your time to follow him, wait for him to stop, and then confront him on his rude behavior. Similarly there are times when it is appropriate to be aggressive. If someone is threatening your life or the life of a loved one, and you see no way to escape, you should probably be aggressive and fight back.

The “just don’t let it bother you” strategy is unrealistic. Again, imagine someone runs over your 10 year old son’s foot with a grocery cart, then sneers and says “get out of my way you little brat”. You’re probably going to be furious, and justifiably so. If you’re passive, you’re just going to be more angry for not standing up for yourself and your child.

Instead of following the advice in this article, I encourage everyone to be more assertive in these types of situations. People are rude because they think they can get away with it without consequences, So take a few seconds of your time and show them they can’t. You’ll feel a lot better and maybe they’ll think twice before acting that way again.
Scott
Aug 27 08, 10:09 pm UTC

23
@Paul
Just be careful that you remain in the right state of mind when subjecting yourself to people who have this habit. Note your physiological tendency to react on the level that they initiate and the importance of maintaining a clarity communicated in the article. If you cannot maintain a pure and healthy state, remove this person and practice on someone less powerful or persistent until your skills allow a return attempt. Learning to surf in 10ft waves isn’t the best starting point. Graduating to 10ft waves from 8ft waves holds much more promise of growth.

@Tina
#9 should be #1 in my opinion, causing most of the remaining points to be unnecessary. #9 is a tremendous tool to take with you into any situation or relationship. Reason being that your emotions are accurate indicators of your perceptions of your situation. Once you get an objective read on those perceptions, only then can you make corrections that will calm internal alarms and subsequent fear-based words or actions.

@Milliner
The actual usable technique is nested in #9. I find this tremendously helpful to use any time one of my ‘red flags’ is tripped. By red flag I mean a feeling of dread, fear, lack, resentment, need to be right, or general social tension. I treat any detectably negative emotion as a red flag, and at the observance of such a feeling I separate myself from the situation mentally and watch not only the room but my own emotions from a distance behind my head. This gets me out of the emotional push and pull and into a calm, objective state where I can trust my judgment.
Uselessbrain.com

Aug 27 08, 10:26 pm UTC

24
I think most people are capable of training there responds. Life is controlled by pain and pleasure. So sometimes we need to take some pain to get to the pleasure.
Blaat
Aug 27 08, 10:47 pm UTC

25
Ha. I initially misread ‘Go for a Run … ‘ as ‘Go for a Gun … ‘ ;-)
The Operator

Aug 27 08, 10:55 pm UTC

26
But what about dealing with manipulative people? (I’d say run… quickly ;)
hippie hater
Aug 27 08, 11:46 pm UTC

27
i gotta say this is complete bullshit. im not joking. you are way too passive, like homedude said above, much more constructively than i am willing to. if you dont assert your opinion you are a fucking doormat. I wont be checking back waiting with baited breath for a response, you can get away with not responding to my comment. ignoring this sort of mentality, however, is a deep character flaw.

your advice sucks
Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome

Aug 27 08, 11:48 pm UTC

28
Like Nathalie above, I used to just shut down or immediately assume I’d done something wrong and try to make it right and please the other person.

Now I’m learning that if someone is pissed off, it’s not the end of the world and that it’s not my responsibility to make it right. If necessary, I will apologize for an ill-thought out action or sentence, but then I leave it (or at least try to leave it – I’m still working on not being Mr Fixer).

It’s a challenge to change behaviours after 39 years of doing it one way, but it works much better!

Thanks for the reminder with the list!
Alex
r wooster
Aug 27 08, 11:56 pm UTC

29
In the words of J Lennon “Imagine”.
If people only were more conciderate
Andrew
Aug 28 08, 12:11 am UTC

30
Being passive is perfectly fine, if you can vent your anger and negative feelings after the arguement.
wendyy
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am UTC

31
Finding the balance between passive and being assertive is one of the most difficult things for me at the moment. I agree with Zach that if I’m not confronting other people with their behaviour (for example colleagues talking me down, stepping on my toes to show how well they do) they are forming a mental image about me that is incorrect and allows them to continue that behaviour.

Being brought up with the attitude to ‘always be nice and fair (yes, no matter what)’ I am usually not ‘quick’ enough to respond assertively – I usually obeserve, not respond, pour honey, make a joke (in no particulair order) After I have given myself time to assess and debate the situation, and I feel it is necessary, I confront the other person in a honest and fair way (or so I try :) ). Usually starting the sentence with: hey, do you remember we were talking about xxx the other day, I was thinking about it and I feel/think/want to share, etc.etc.

This way I am taking off the pressure to respond assertively instantly (which, when added to much pressure, can become like throwing mud at each other), but still giving myself space to step up for myself.

In the long run I do want to be able to stand up for myself more assertively.
Ecle6
Aug 28 08, 12:14 am UTC

32
This is one of the best articles i have come across to take back control of yourself…

http://www.alphaboard.co.cc/blog

Thanks a lot!
Scott
Aug 28 08, 12:30 am UTC

33
@Zach
You make a terrific point, and I’ll add a comment that intersects my previous entry with your insight. Any assertiveness that comes from a pure place will effectively press behavior to a pure neutrality, whereas assertions from a subjective, reactionary posture will likely swing the pendulum of interactive energy too far in the opposite direction. This often furthers any would be conflict. From that observation point that I mentioned previously, wisdom is more likely in the words and actions offered. You don’t need to sit down and meditate to deliver the perfect punch to the situation. Just be a watcher of yourself, the other party and the whole situation as you act immediately. As the watcher you are not tossed about in the waves of emotion that crash in a would-be heated situation.
Dan
Aug 28 08, 1:05 am UTC

34
A nice article with some helpful comments too. I have been revising my whole outlook on how best to be. The comment regarding assertiveness is important, I think there is a distinction here.

Assertiveness is how you deal with the situation as it happens whereas this article gives some great ways of ensuring you do not let things get to you or even begin on a route towards beating yourself up before or after.

I think It is important not to be 100% passive as a rule of how you live your life, its just impossible in todays world to be that way without being taken advantage of.
Wakas Mir

Aug 28 08, 1:49 am UTC

35
Amazing article.. I write a lot about positivity and this thing pops up all the time when people wonder how to deal with difficult people. And like most of the people I always used to reply to rude users with a on the spot reply, but as you mentioned the best way is to hold on to your energy :)

thx
SJ
Aug 28 08, 1:51 am UTC

36
Good advice.

As someone who has had to deal with all sorts of people online one of the biggest problems I come up against is communication issues. Putting aside language problems I often find people forget when online that they are talking to people from a world wide community. When people forget this fact we get people communicating about issues as if the other people share the same nationality, culture, religion, gender and economic position and it often leads to genuinely reasonable people ending up in arguments because of the lack of face to face communication making them forget about those significant differences between people that do influence communication.

The worst though is when there are people no matter how you try to communicate something they simply a) do not understand the concept or b) they don’t want to understand the concept. In terms of running an internet discussion board trying to work out which of these two categories a person falls into can be incredibly difficult.
Marc
Aug 28 08, 2:07 am UTC

37
If someone tries to wind me up or insult me, I tend to give them a thumbs up, say “cool” and either turn and talk to someone else or then say “anyway…” and carry on with the conversation
Xem
Aug 28 08, 2:30 am UTC

38
I am currently dealing with “difficult people”. I will try to use # 1 2 6 9.
Thanks!
N E

Aug 28 08, 2:44 am UTC

39
I find tips 3 and 12 are the most important and respected. “The water of a ducks back” not only you as being a mature person, I think it garners influence and respect from others.
This is also called the s**** happens method ;)
bob
Aug 28 08, 2:45 am UTC

40
The pour honey tip is really good. Just smile at the negative person and say something nice and usually most negativity goes away and both you and the person you are arguing with gets a better and maybe more productive day! Of course it can be hard to make yourself do it instead of replying in a negative way, but it’s worth it. It always works for me, at least to some degree.
Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters

Aug 28 08, 4:13 am UTC

41
“Does it really matter if I’m right?” – is my favorite line within the post. When we get on our high horse with a difficult person then we can never move on. They are probably stubborn and now you are too. The best way to get past this is to decide that it doesn’t matter who’s right. What matters is that I can see both sides.
PeaceLoveJoyBliss
Aug 28 08, 4:35 am UTC

42
Hi Tina, I appreciate your thoughtful take on this subject.

I’ve trained myself to be a witness to my experience when the primal juices start flowing, and remind myself that it’s nothing personal.

Negativity itself is impersonal, alien to heart and soul. Whatever I can do to nourish heart and soul on a daily basis, I will do. The more I can nourish, the more immunity I seem to have with bad vibes.

Christopher
Will is GALVANIZD

Aug 28 08, 4:39 am UTC

43
I have to give it to you Tina, I’m SO impressed that you’re pushing through all this negativity and wrote such a thorough and concise article on dealing with difficult people.

I used to think that ALL of the prominent bloggers who amass a following were spouting out the same material as their “teachers” be it self-help or spiritual “gurus” claiming it as their own. That belief doesn’t hold true.

I admit that on my part, it was almost like a lashing out to cry foul to those who were “ripping off” other self-help material. It came from a place of jealousy and scarcity mindset.

We’re standing on the shoulders of giants and innovation is inspired by knowledge and technology of old.

Be it Eckhart Tolle, Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, Robin Sharma or any other “guru”, it doesn’t matter. Bloggers like you that are pumping out quality material that builds upon the teachings of these so-called gurus in such a way that is relatable to the everyday person. It has made free that information that we’ve learned and made it available to the masses…. this is something HUGE.. I can feel it and I’m proud to witness and be a part of this movement in the blogosphere ;)

Cheers!

Will
Song

Aug 28 08, 4:53 am UTC

44
What a lovely post and something everyone can use! I’ll certainly be remembering your tips next time I have to deal with someone unpleasant and focus on letting go of unpleasantness I’ve already experienced..
Travis
Aug 28 08, 5:04 am UTC

45
You wouldn’t happen to be a taoist, or have listened to Stuart Wilde at all, would you?
Eric

Aug 28 08, 5:46 am UTC

46
I’d be really interested to hear people’s reactions to Zach’s comment. The article rang true to me and seems wise, but Zach’s comments also make sense. Tina, what is your take on the shopping cart scenario? Would you advocate the “passive” response?

***********************

REPLY

Hi Eric,

I just replied with my thoughts on the shopping cart scenario below (scroll down or search for “Tina Su” on the page.)

Thanks for the question! :)

Tina
Arrlui
Aug 28 08, 5:50 am UTC

47
Difficult people should be tied to a radiator and kicked to death, then rolled down a flight of stairs. On fire.
Katrineholm Uncensored

Aug 28 08, 6:25 am UTC

48
I looked at all your steps/methods for dealing with difficult people. Whew, what a long list! It’s simpler to quietly-and with a smile upon one’s face-tell a difficult person to F–K OFF! Works like a charm! Try it sometime. Here, you and your readers can practice it with me if you need some practice.
Nia
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am UTC

49
What a brilliant article! It’s come at a good time for me, too. Thank you so much, Tina.
blade
Aug 28 08, 6:31 am UTC

50
When i face that kind of situations i just can’t not respond! Actually, my reaction depends on my mood and the others statements, but as a marketer i generally analyse the core argument of their position and crush it, that’s something that puts an end really quickly to the conversation as they just can’t come up with anything to justify it, cause as long as they think their attitude is legitimate they’ll just continue pissing you off, being able to controle yourself and not react doesn’t mean necesserally that the other will stop pissing you off, some people just love doing that and will keep pushing you hard till you reach your limit, and then when you start reacting tell you let’s not continue talking about it, when it comes down to this nobody can keep his cool, not even you :) . Stay cool, listen, analyse, think, and strike! When I’ll feel that I just can’t come up with the ultimate argument, i use your method because it’s definetly the best.
Asia Hadley

Aug 28 08, 6:38 am UTC

51
Although I agree with you that most people who are expressing negativity are expressing themselves based on what is inside of them, I’d like to add that although it is not about you, it is about YOU.

How will you respond to the situation? How are you viewing the situation? What feelings are coming up inside of you that is causing you to have an emotional reaction? What feelings need to be healed within yourself? These are questions we can ask and answer ourselves when faced with challenging situations.

I go into further detail about finding the “lessons” and “blessings” in situations in my post, ” How a Spiritual View of Stress can De-stress You.” http://www.beaconsfrontline.com

-Asia
Beacons on the Frontline,
Sustaining the light of those who serve
ggiD
Aug 28 08, 7:24 am UTC

52
Maybe sometimes the difficult people are right and they just are expressing it.

Maybe you need to accept the fact that an individual is not right all the time.
Shaunda
Aug 28 08, 7:37 am UTC

53
To Zach,

That was a very thoughtful response, but I have a slightly different view on the issue.

I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say “Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquantainces, I need to stop”. Most people already know that it’s not okay to treat people in an aggressive manner, particularly when they have no reason to do so. When you confront someone with negativity over the situation, you’re adding to what those people want from you, and that’s to A) notice them and B) react to their behaviour. This just gives them more incentive to be negative to you and throughout the rest of their day.

The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.

Now, personally I think lobbing a person’s reaction to negativity into the the three textbook categories that you mentioned, aggressive, passive and assertive, is slightly mistaken. I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a “passive” action. (Introspective, perhaps?) You could very well argue that you don’t have enough time to give that much thought into a situation before you need to react to it, but I think that by instinct alone people will always choose negativity and aggression back.

I believe that Tina’s underlying message, whether you follow the steps or not, is to stop negativity from exponentially growing and to come from a more understanding place when this situation arises. We all have days where we may unknowingly act before we think, creating negativity around us, what would you want someone to say to you if you were negative and aggressive towards them? What would help you come out of your mood?
Tom Stine | Life Coach for Spiritual People

Aug 28 08, 8:15 am UTC

54
Hi Tina…. I’m glad #1 was forgive. In the final analysis, it is the only way to be at peace. I equate forgive with “letting go”, and when I do that, all the rest just follows. Sometimes I talk to the person, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I ignore them. But the results don’t even compare with the inner peace that comes from forgiveness, or letting go.

As always, a well done post. Be well…. Tom
Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.

Aug 28 08, 9:30 am UTC

55
Dealing with difficult people depends on the situation.

I have two main two strategies:

1. Denying toxic people access to my inner circle and picking my battles

You can’t remove manipulative, negative, angry people from the world at large, but you certainly can keep them out of your immediate world.

2. Picking my battles.

Some issues must be addressed, not to make me right, but because it’s the right thing to do. But there are other issues that aren’t worth the energy and time.
Zach

Aug 28 08, 10:21 am UTC

56
@Shaunda,

Thanks for your thoughts. Here is my response:

Shaunda: “The example you used is someone stepping on your child’s foot and making a harsh comment. Now, I don’t exactly think that this is a fair example, just because when it comes to your children, there’s a new set of rules for how you react. You are in a protector role at that point and morally people feel obligated to stand up for those who can’t do so themselves. In general, I believe we ourselves are confronted with negativity moreso then the people we protect.”

With regards to how the article was written, I don’t believe that is an unfair example. The author doesn’t explicitly limit her advice to dealing with people who are difficult to only you personally. The article is at best ambiguous about whether this is advice on how to react when someone acts viciously towards a loved one. From the article, blanket statements such as these are examples:

Tina: “Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person.”

I think most people would reasonably interpret that to encompass ALL negative behavior, including such behavior directed towards loved ones. At the very least, the article should make it very clear in what situations the advice should be applied.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being mindful and trying to understand the person and the situation before reacting is a ‘passive’ action.”

To clarify my use of the word “passive”, I am going with definition #1 from dictionary.com, where passive is defined as “not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.” In that sense, simply “being mindful and trying to understand the person”, without any external or “visible” reaction would be considered passive.

I do think you make a good point about “trying to understand the person and the situation” before reacting. Sometimes we mistakingly interpret innocent behavior as rude. Someone might cut in front of you in line not to be rude, but just because they didn’t notice you. In which case “That was very rude. Don’t cut in front of me.” is a premature reaction because you didn’t take the time to fully understand the situation. In that case, something like “Excuse me, but I believe I was in line before you. Would you mind letting me go ahead?” would be more appropriate.

On the other hand, my example of running over your child’s foot and then calling him a brat requires very little investigation to be understood. That is hurtful name-calling, it is obviously unacceptable behavior, and it is appropriate to assertively confront the person about it. Perhaps, instead of my initial advised reaction of “That was extremely rude. You don’t talk to people like that.”, a direct question would be better in the spirit of trying to understand the person. Something like “Why would you say something like that?” might be a better way to initiate, and it gives them more of a chance to apologize. If they continue their rudeness, then saying things like “That was a rude, vicious thing to say, and it was uncalled for. This conversation is over.” might be more appropriate.

Shaunda: “I don’t believe that by being assertive to negative people that you’re teaching them any sort of lesson. They aren’t going to suddenly come out of their negative state and say ‘Oh, I’m taking my negativity our on strangers and acquaintances, I need to stop’.

I agree that confronting a person in this way probably won’t change their behavior. But you are teaching them some sort of lesson, even if it’s not as strong a lesson as they might deserve. You are teaching them that if they behave badly, they will get called on it. Maybe that’s not enough to make them reconsider their behavior, but at at the very least it will show them there are consequences to their actions. And you will feel better because you expressed your opinion in an assertive, confident way.

To sum it up, I think you made a good point about trying to understand people who are behaving badly. With that in mind, I’d like to slightly alter my advice by combining it with a bit of yours. As an initial response to rudeness, do try to understand someone, but bring it in to the external world. When someone is rude, instead of just being introspective about it, confront them by asking them “Why would you say something like that?”. That might be more likely to receive a thoughtful response and an apology. And if it just leads to more rudeness, then I still say the best thing to do is follow my initial advice.

-Zach
Marianne

Aug 28 08, 10:31 am UTC

57
This article is fantastic! My biggest struggle lately is to not take things personally – I seem to have gotten into the habit of angering myself or worrying myself over so many things, and I’ve been looking for ways to support new habits that allow me to let things go – before my health is affected any more. What’s funny is I don’t remember always being this way – it really seems to be a very bad habit I’ve picked up – so your list of actions to take is going to be very useful to me. Thanks very much!
Marcelo.Abans
Aug 28 08, 10:42 am UTC

58
I innately do these things and it’s good to see, I spread the article to everyone in my office since we all have to deal with a difficult manager who seems to be negative about a lot of things..
Daniel Edlen

Aug 28 08, 11:03 am UTC

59
I love how it seems with each of your posts, somebody comments that they really needed what you said that day. Pretty cool, and that they thank you for it.

This is a great one. I like the mention of stomach tightening. That’s my, well, gut check. If my stomach’s tight, I know something’s up.

People, even currently difficult ones, are in our lives for a reason. They are reflecting something Life wants us to recognize. At least that’s usually a helpful way of looking at it when in the moment. “What am I supposed to learn?”

And, I suppose sometimes, what one is supposed to learn is to fight back. There is a place in this world for all experience, all action, no judgement. Yes you have to be willing to accept consequences for actions and decisions, but, heck, punching somebody in the face might be what they need too!

Thinking about puppies is a great suggestion, Snoop Digg. Made me smile.

Peace.
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife

Aug 28 08, 12:47 pm UTC

60
I try to remember something that I once heard, “Hurt people, hurt people”. Difficult people usually have something they are struggling with themselves. The best policy is avoid letting them get to you.

Don’t forfeit your power to them. It isn’t about what they do to you, it is about how you react.
Liara Covert

Aug 28 08, 2:25 pm UTC

61
You could always choose to realize that what you perceive as difficult in other people actually resonates back about parts of your own mind that require attention. As a ‘difficult’ person helps you become aware about parts of your inner wounds and hidden, authentic self, then that person is also a meaningful teacher on your journey to enlightenment.
Ali Rayner
Aug 28 08, 6:17 pm UTC

62
I am currently having a difficult and complicated time with my sister.
I found this blog very helpful, Thank you.

There is one point I’d like to make about the idea that “we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” I beg to differ here. There are animals who display, at times, greater emotional intelligence than us, and a greater sense of self control.

We are just animals, but we are the only animals hindered by ambition, who go against nature and put ourselves on a pedestal.
I always hear alarm bells when someone says we are more intelligent than animals. Often we accidentally mistake technological intelligence for emotional intelligence. I don’t know the solution to this common occurrence, but I know it’s not healthy for us or the planet.

They may not know how to use a computer, except maybe for chimps, but we can learn a lot from our animal friends. Kung Fu is based on observing animals. For instance a dog may be harassed by a child and not bite. There could be several things going on here, tolerance, love and compassion, an understanding of the pecking order, or an understanding of consequence (If I bite I get punished.). A Kung Fu master uses these insights and adapts them to his or her own actions.
Cath Lawson

Aug 28 08, 6:19 pm UTC

63
Hi Tina – Thanks for these suggestions. I still struggle to deal with negative people and your suggestions are useful. I also get quite a few attacks on my blog and I find it difficult not to take some of them personally – but as you said, it’s not about me, it’s about the other person.

I will try to remember that.
grammar nazi
Aug 28 08, 6:25 pm UTC

64
‘blind-sided’. I think you meant ‘blind-sided’, not ‘blind sighted’, it’s as if you were writing phonetically. Maybe you were, I don’t care. Some people say I’m just being picky, difficult even; a picky person picking on peoples’ use of language like a picky so-and-so, but you know what, “phooey”. That’s all. Looking forward to your comeback. It’s what I live for. Nice blog btw.
Daniel Richard

Aug 29 08, 2:07 am UTC

65
Lol. This article came in timely. Had a bad day yesterday cos’ of *ahem (hint: the title says it all)* and had delayed both my friend and I a huge amount of time to solve one problem.

Looking on the brighter side, you have wrote all it needed and chose a pretty funny picture that helped cheered my day up. :)

Thanks Tina!

Daniel
ady

Aug 29 08, 2:44 am UTC

66
A very interesting article. I did never thought about that. I’m trying to be positive but sometimes I hurt people with my negativism. Thank you for this article
Jarrod - Warrior Development

Aug 29 08, 5:11 am UTC

67
Another option: We are all one and the same.

Any opinion they can have, we can have to.

Therefore let us have nothing to do with harming each other.

And all remain happy together.
peter vajda

Aug 29 08, 7:37 am UTC

68
You May Be Aiding “Difficult” People to Be Difficult

No relationship is exclusively one-way. When any two people interact, the influences flow in both directions.

So if there’s someone at work (at home or at play) who consistently irritates you, peeves you, and just generally gets under your skin, know this: you are almost certainly part of your problem.

Google “working with difficult people”, and you’ll get about 16,800 hits; “difficult people at work”, 10, 700; and just “difficult people”, a whopping 1,730,000 hits!

There’s no question that in most every organization (home and playground), we come face to face with folks who push our buttons, antagonize, frustrate, or otherwise annoy us, and behave in ways that make us want to scream. They’re commonly referred to as “difficult people”. Some we label simply “irritating”; some we label “rude” and some we label “impossible to work or be with”.

In my experience, however, the question is not so much what makes them “difficult”, but what we tell ourselves about them that makes them difficult – that is, underlying, supporting and triggering our reactivity and characterizations are the stories we tell ourselves about such folks. “S/he is (fill in the blank with your negative judgment, criticism, or descriptor)” that categorizes them as ‘difficult’.

When we drill down to the “truth” of the difficulty matter, experience suggests that it’s not so much that another’s behavior is all that egregious, outlandish, off the charts or aberrant; the “truth” of the difficulty matter is that often the “difficulty” is not so much the other individual as it is the stories we tell ourselves about that person. What often occurs is that we have created a “story” about that person, a story we take as real, a story we assume is true.

So, when we feel the urge to label another as “difficult”, a first step is to check out the reality of the story, the facts. How?

HERE ARE THREE SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK:

1. What is that person doing, or how are they being, that is problematical for me?
In other words, ask yourself what the observable and measurable behaviors are that point to “difficulty”. Often, when caught up in reactivity, or flooded by emotions, we lose sight of the observable facts and simply respond with a knee-jerk judgment along the lines as: “Well, it’s nothing specific; he’s just being an “a–hole”. Because we are so attached to our story, we often fail to grasp the details that indicate the person is, in fact, difficult. So, ask yourself, “If someone gave me the same feedback I am directing to another person, would I know exactly how to do, or be, differently?” If not, you’re telling yourself a story and you’ll need to be clear on the facts.
2. Do you allow your story to cloud your view of that person?
When we create stories, we create a way we choose to view that person. For example, if I choose to believe another is lazy, then I turn the radio dial in my head to the station that features only “laziness” tunes and, as such, I’m always on the lookout for, and listening for, ways that person is behaving that I can characterize as lazy, in order to prove the truth of my story.

If I choose to believe my boss is friendlier with a colleague and is ignoring, or rejecting, me and my work, then I turn the radio dial to pick up “rejection” tunes and look for, and listen for, incidents which allow me to say, “See, there she goes again; she likes that other person and is not concerned with me or my work.”
We create distortions that support us to prove we are “right”; that our story is true. We look to archive lots of evidence to prove our story. We don’t stand back and ask ourselves:

** “Is this the whole story?”
** “Is my story, really, really the truth?”
** “Is it possible I am distorting things just a bit?”

In fact:

** “Is this person perhaps, just perhaps, not the ogre I make him or her out to be?”
** “Could I be mistaken?”

3. Do you behave a certain way toward that person based on your story?
The bottom line is that our stories influence our behavior (at work, at home and at play). Our stories (and their attendant beliefs, thoughts, assumptions, preconceptions, misperceptions, etc.) trigger our emotions and feelings and it is our emotions and feelings that drive our behavior (often unconsciously) towards the other.

So, it’s important to take steps to become “conscious” of our stories. Two questions that can help in this vein are:

** “How do I behave toward another based on my story?” And,
** “Am I building a case against another, or attempting to solidify a case against another, based on my story?

A next step is to become curious as to whether, in fact, I am perpetuating another’s behavior as a result of my story. Am I contributing to that other person’s being “difficult” through my story and reactivity?
Yes, there are “difficult” people in the world. The question is whether some of these folks are really “difficult” in and of themselves or whether I am a major contributing factor to their being “difficult” through my story, and, more sincerely, honestly, and self-responsibly, how do I know the difference.
Finally, I invite you to reflect on the following thoughts that might inform your inquiry into “difficult” people and your stories about them

Everyone is in “chapter three” of their life and often we base our criticisms and judgments of another on the assumption we know what went on in “chapter one” and “chapter two”. Truth is, we don’t know.
Ask yourself: “Why would a rational, decent, fair-minded and well-meaning individual behave like a jerk” (Or fill in the blank with another “difficult” descriptor you use.) And then perhaps compassionately give them the benefit of the doubt before you make up your story or justify your story as “the truth”.
No one (read: NO ONE) ever gets up in the morning and says, “I’m going to be a jerk today.”
Luis

Aug 29 08, 7:58 am UTC

69
This post came to me in the perfect time, but I chose no to read it imediately. Then that night I ran into one of those persons who has nothing nice to say about things, always negative and truly a pain in the butt. She made me so mad, she totally disturbed me, to the point a had to leave so I wouldn’t have to stand her.
When I came home that night, and started reading my feeds, the same article caught my attention again, and how i wished I would have read it before. Thanks! I loved it and I’m putting it to practice as soon as I can!

http://www.elsoponcio.blogspot.com
John
Aug 29 08, 8:38 am UTC

70
Fantastic article. I have printed it for a friend that can really benefit from this.

Thanks!
Tina Su

Aug 29 08, 11:07 am UTC

71
Hi Zach & Eric,

Thanks for adding your thoughts. They’re very valuable and valid. I don’t disagree with you.

The challenge with writing an article like this is that I try to make it very general, so that people can use their Best judgment to apply it within their own lives when appropriate.

As such, there will always be scenarios where my general-idealistic-positive approach wouldn’t be appropriate. As with any topic or statement, when looked deep enough, we can also find holes for how it can fail, why it isn’t true. This is natural.

The point with this article isn’t to say, “Let’s be Passive all the time.” The point here is to remind ourselves that we have choices and by always reacting and falling with the flow of our animal instincts, we develop habits that isn’t necessarily conducive to our health.

Nothing here is definite. Nothing here is final. Nothing here is absolute. There is a time and place for everything. I trust that we will handle each situation to the best of our current abilities. This article just aims at adding perspectives, to help if you need. It’s optional, and not absolute. And I do not recommend taking it to the extreme.

Re: shopping cart scenario

Yesterday, a man rushing down the street almost stepping on my dog and I instantly reacted with “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” and the man reacted angrily at me.

Even thought I felt that I was wronged and I felt better mentally by reacting. It took me about 10 minutes afterward to fully release the negative energy in me. I continued walking and observing the tension within me. It didn’t feel very good.

Had I interrupted my instinctive reaction with something like laughing or saying “Oooops!!”, I would have spent that 10 minutes enjoying the beautiful afternoon day in the city, instead of releasing negative energy.

One thing I’ve learned is that you cannot change people. Especially strangers who you’ve just confronted in a grocery store. They will be too much in their heads and egos to even really listen to where you’re coming from. When people are confronted, even if they are at fault, their instinct is to react back to you with more aggression. So in such a scenario, I don’t think it would have helped anyone by reacting negatively to the guy. He will not change just because you voiced your opinion to him. He won’t care.

As I said, there are no rights and wrongs here. Take it with a grain of salt. If someone is threatening your life or the life of your loved one, heck yeah! You’ll need to do what it takes to protect them.

Slightly unrelated but related: A friend of mine and his family was held at gun point in Africa and he got out of that situation using Humor. I wouldn’t have thought of that in a life threatening situation, but the non-aggressive approach worked for him and his family.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Aug 29 08, 8:02 pm UTC

72
Hi Tina, what about negative family members?
webdesignbitch

Aug 29 08, 8:14 pm UTC

73
Hi people)
Just amused with the article. Great job!
I have such problem now)
So am sure i’ll fix! Thank you =)
axel g

Aug 30 08, 1:42 am UTC

74
“Does it really matter if I am right?”

This is skillful & mature…
Sara at On Simplicity

Aug 30 08, 8:05 pm UTC

75
I’ve had fun with a casual “I’m sorry. Did you say something?” after a rude comment or interaction. Most people don’t have the guts to say these things twice, with your full attention on them. It’s a way of letting them know that they’re not going to get away with being insulting, but without escalating the situation.
tina
Aug 30 08, 10:03 pm UTC

76
thank you for the positivity !!!
Wakas

Aug 31 08, 2:47 am UTC

77
Yet again tina nice work.. liked the shopping cart scenario :)
Wendi Kelly

Aug 31 08, 6:16 am UTC

78
I found these tips to be very specific and very helpful. I long ago gave up trying to change other people’s argumentive perceptions. Sometimes people just aren’t ready.They are going to see the world through their own lens anyway so I need to focus on more positive energy. Thank you for all the time you spent putting this together.
bobbi

Aug 31 08, 8:01 am UTC

79
Hello Tina,
Just dropping a line to say hello! I just cam across your blog and found it very interesting, and in line with a lot of my philosophys in life. I too am on a constant journey in this life….love the post!
Martina Varsányi

Aug 31 08, 8:54 am UTC

80
Hi Tina,

today is blogday 2008 (http://www.blogday.org/) and I like to inform you that I recommended your blog some hungarian readers. I hope they will enjoy your blog like me, and I hope you will be a part of blogday as well.
Anni

Aug 31 08, 3:01 pm UTC

81
Excellent post! Dealing with difficult people on a daily basis is inherent to my work. I am sharing this post with my colleagues in hopes they find it as helpful as I have.
J.D. Meier

Aug 31 08, 11:55 pm UTC

82
It’s easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers. Difficult people are our best tests. It’s counterintuitive, but if you find a way to agree with your critic, you take the wind from their sails.
Anonymous
Sep 02 08, 3:45 pm UTC

83
Thanks so much for this. Great advice. In my own life I’ve found #2, 7, 10 and 13 to be the best ways of dealing with annoying, negative, and argumentative people. I have a boss right now who is driving me crazy, and I will hang onto this well-written list…maybe tape it inside my desk. :)
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Sep 03 08, 4:05 am UTC

84
I think “Look for the lessons” is the best tip for dealing with difficult people and/or a negative situation. There’s always something we can learn… from any situation!
janelle

Sep 03 08, 9:52 am UTC

85
great advice…I personally employ number 4 all of the time when dealing with difficult people..It’s always best to know when to pick and choose your battles..
Study Aid

Sep 03 08, 1:16 pm UTC

86
Great post! First time visiting your site, and so far so good!
kristina
Sep 04 08, 10:56 pm UTC

87
What a timely post! I work as a cabin crew member for a large international airline and am often faced with negative and difficult passengers and colleagues, almost all of whom I’ve realised really just want some attention (and usually an upgrade!). I’ve been called many derogatory names, have been spat on and accused of all sorts of discrimination, often over the littlest things such as not having an extra blanket, or running out of Pepsi. I know I do my job well but there are just some things I can’t control!

Pour honey. I had been using the term, Kill them with Kindness, but Pour honey is far more positive way of looking at it and really encapsulates the notion of doing away with the negativity completely. What’s more, it works. In the crowded confines of a cabin 40,000ft in the air, most passengers eventually feel embarrassed by their outburst and actually apologise when my reaction to their poison is words of sugar sweet thanks and appreciation.

Not only do I get an apology, I prevent myself from having reports written against me and have actually received a letter of compliment from another passenger who witnessed me handle a particular situation onboard by ‘pouring honey’.
Liz
Sep 05 08, 2:37 pm UTC

88
Hey,

I thought this was a really interesting and intelligent post. The only thing that niggles me – and this isn’t a criticism – is the idea of the ‘right’ to express a negative opinion of someone else to begin with. If we’re talking about rights then you have to mention the counterpoint of responsibilities; the two aren’t mutually exclusive ideas. I find the idea of being offensive and poisonous towards someone else because it’s your ‘right’ to hold and express an opinion incredibly dubious. There is surely a responsibility to be careful of other people’s feelings? In the end all opinions (including this one) are subjective, relative and ultimately worthless.
Steve C

Sep 21 08, 5:32 pm UTC

89
I deal with negative people all the time. Unfortunately, I can’t really avoid them since they are customers of our online store. Most of these tips are very useful. They are just hard to follow sometimes
Varsányi Martina (xSolutions)

Sep 22 08, 2:10 am UTC

90
@Steve C: I read the 4 hour workweek from Timothy Ferriss, and he had a good point on how important (or not) are the difficult customers for a company. His point is, that difficult customers usually don’t spend a lot of monney at your company. They cost a lot of time. It’s better for the company to focus on customers who buy the most product/service.

If those customers are difficult – well that’s not good.
Belle

Sep 26 08, 3:52 am UTC

91
Good write up. Personally, i think its really important that we take a look at people’s motives when they express a negative opinion about us. What spurred those hurtful words. Sometimes it could be out of the grudges they have been nursing overtime, and when it comes out negatively, its always hurtful. Its easier said than done, for one to ignore such abusive words because naturally, we use our hearts and our minds to interpret the words we hear. For me it has been difficult to deal with negative people.
Miss MatchMaker

Sep 27 08, 10:22 pm UTC

92
I love you thoughts! Every few month I try to do a negativity purge and eliminate some of the things and even people who give off too much negativity. This is one I will be sharing with a few people…

xoxo~
Jenny
Oct 12 08, 3:20 am UTC

93
I just found your blog through a link on The Happiness Project and I was I ever glad! After reading several of your pages and enjoying them, this one stood out to me the most, because I went through many years of dealing with a particular nasty person. I couldn’t have avoided the person, due to the particular situation we were in.

Looking back, I realize that I finally was able to cope better when I learned (the hard way) that some people are actually mental cases but disguised under beautiful facades! When I went back to college for a master’s degree, I took several psychology courses and learned much about narcisstic personalities, abnormal psychology, etc,.

You are right on with your tips and the first one was to forgive. The fact that I figured out that a person wasn’t completely sane or reasonable didn’t even come first. I just made up in my mind that my harboring anger and hate was not hurting them in the least; but it was hurting me. I was giving them space in my head, when I really wanted to throw out the memory of them. I decided to forgive the person; I decided also to focus on other people and other issues to change my train of thought. Relief didn’t come overnight, but after that initial adjustment in my head, I began to see the issue more objectively. Then came my realization that as beautiful (on the outside) as this person was, it was what had totally fooled me into not seeing their mental problems more clearly.

Your other tip was to not talk about it, and I truly agree with that. I used to have some pals with whom I would dump on; I told them my hurts, and they saw them too, but their sympathy was all they could give. When I made my decision to forgive, I realized that my rehearsing the ‘facts’ over and over, just made the problem even more ‘real’ to me. When I saw that, I stopped all communication about said person, and their importance to me became less and less.

Your tip about avoiding the person was the easiest for me, because eventually this person moved far away. I was so thankful for that! When you have tried everything to work with a person, and everything has failed, just mark it down as too frustrating to try anymore. Avoid them, and have no more contact with them if possible. In time, you will forget the problems and the person too.
Now, if I feel someone is too difficult to deal with, I treat them civil and professionally, but that is the end of my involvement. ( I am a lot older and smarter now! lol)
Onesnap

Oct 14 08, 1:18 pm UTC

94
How did I handle it?

I left.

I quit my job in August and started a new job in September. I’m truly blessed to have found something I love near my home. :)
Kiarr
Oct 16 08, 12:03 pm UTC

95
Thank you for writing this. Your insight has really helped me through some tough times.
annie
Oct 24 08, 8:06 am UTC

96
What a great article… Thank you. I appreciate the advise and
information. Surrounded by negative people you tend to lose
sight of your own peace. Thank you again.
Deb
Oct 27 08, 5:55 pm UTC

97
Thank you for this article. I had come across it a week ago and searched the web for it again tonight. I have just received the ugliest, most abusive letter from a parent of one of my students that I have ever gotten in 21 years of teaching.

Just knowing that I had this column to access made my adrenaline begin to drain away. Thank you for keeping me from wasting my time grieving over this incident.

I remember a book someone wrote with the title “What you think of me is none of my business” You are right, it IS a reflection on them. I have to put myself in the shoes of the poor child who has to be around that parent all the time. It makes me feel a need to care about them even more.
Jenn
Oct 31 08, 11:00 am UTC

98
Let me clue you in on the dirty little secret of our society: these techniques work on the 96% of people who actually have a conscience, but the 4% of people who you will encounter in your lifetime are covertly aggressive (ie predatory sociopaths: for which there are no cures) and will continue playing mind games & never assume responsibility for the pain they cause knowing damn well that others will forgive them. They will never know what guilt, regret or love is and will continue exploiting others for their own benefit. If you feel trapped, get out. We all need to work towards becoming assertive, and become better observers of one another’s behavior before establishing trust in any relationship. Do something for yourself everyday to build inner strength, be it meditation, prayer, exercise, yoga, writing etc. For those who want to be enlightened, read The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout or In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Jr.
Peace out.
a spouse
Nov 03 08, 8:38 pm UTC

99
what if the ‘difficult person’ is your spouse who is convinced of being a victim and is constantly reacting.

I often find myself unexpectedly in painful arguments with my spouse who trusts no one, not even me – and she says so. Even an ordinary comment on my part, a suggestion such as ‘why don’t you rest a while’ becomes proof of her thesis that I’m just trying to control her. This usually spirals out of control into long arguments which can be avoided using some of the suggestions in your article, but it also creates further distance in an already fractured marriage. I love her and know that we could have a beautiful life if only we could meet in truth. I’ve almost given up after years of patience.
Tina Su

Nov 05 08, 12:59 am UTC

100
@a spouse

I recommend her to take a class call “understanding men” with Alison Armstrong: http://understandmen.com
I think it will do wonders for your communication, understanding and friendship. Without these, it’s hard to sustain a marriage or any relationship.

Alison also has a seminar for men titled “understanding women” which is pretty amazing as well.
I’ve done them myself and I can personally guarantee that the qualities of these communication seminars are top notch!

Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

Tina
Daniele
Nov 07 08, 6:01 am UTC

101
So I woke up this morning and googled “How to deal with difficult people” and this was the second article that came up. Am I glad I read this.
I often have difficult situations and work within a small group of people. Ego’s are always center stage. Reading this article gives me another perspective. I always feel I try to stand in someone elses shoes before responding to a situation, so that I am conciously acting, not reacting. But prior to reading this article, for whatever reason, felt somewhat alone going through these situations, and felt like I was allowing someone to walk on me. After digesting this posting I feel like I do handle things the best way I know how, but now know I have the ability to handle negativity in a better way. Thanks for such an inspiring article and encouraging us to always take the higher road.
Caramelmoiselle

Nov 08 08, 3:37 am UTC

102
Brilliant article! :)
stef
Nov 17 08, 2:24 am UTC

103
woOoohh..
amazing article…
i love it…
and i’m planning to apply those tips..
i hope you will continue making such superb articles!!
=)
Jay
Nov 17 08, 1:26 pm UTC

104
I need some advice on how to deal with a difficult family. My husbund’s family fights everytime we all get together, talk on the phone ect. It doesn’t even matter where we are.

His family if very difficult to talk to becasue his mom never thinks before she speaks and is always telling us “I told you so”, blames us for something, or she will take the role of the victim. She is also unreasonable, has no common sense, and thinks she is right all the time. And if she decides she is losing the arguement she will start to lie, and when you call her on it she denies what she just said.

His sister explodes at the drop of a hat. The discussion won’t even involve her and she will end up screaming, calling people names, and swearing. She will belittle you and make you feel worthless. She never apologizes for it, and she is never wrong.

His father is the most negative person I have ever met. He never has anything positive or encouraging to say to us. Like for instance, when we bought our house he told us we overpaid, we ran in a marathon he told us we should have ran faster….

I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively. I love my husbund but his families behaviour is making me not like being around them. What should I do?
Laura Robbins
Nov 18 08, 6:56 am UTC

105
I’m having a hard time with a co-worker. She is extremely unprofessional in her actions and the way she speaks to me. I did nothing wrong the last time we worked together and she told everybody, as she pointed in my face, “I’m not working with her tonight!” We are nurses and require help from each other so it’s difficult not to be together at times. In order to save our backs from injury we need an extra hand. If I could do it on my own I would. I’m afraid she may go to the boss and say something rotten to him about me or simply make up lies. I need advice from other hormonal women or even men who can be more realistic.
Tina Su

Nov 18 08, 10:22 am UTC

106
@Laura Robbins

Have you tried speaking to your manager about her behavior? It doesn’t sound very professional.
Tina Su

Nov 18 08, 10:29 am UTC

107
@Jay

You said:

I have tried the techniques written in this article, but like I said, these people don’t think anything is wrong with them and any advice you give them they taking negatively.

1. We can’t change other people. And for negative people, it’s best not to give them any advice. Actually, don’t give anyone advice unless they ask for it. People will change only on their own accord.

Instead, you could try to set a good example for them, and be the kind of person you wish to see them becoming.

2. Tip #5 above “5. Stop Talking About It”. I would advice to stop talking about them completely. You seem very passionate about the topic and repeating it is not helping you.

3. Don’t spend time with them. Or spend as little time as possible.

4. Learn to Surrender. Allow people to be who they are and how they act. It’s not our problem.
Kathy

Nov 20 08, 8:14 pm UTC

108
This information is very helpful. My husband can easily become one of the difficult people with mood changes by the minute. I have learned a lot and currently practice at least two-thirds of the offered information to ease the occasional mental pain. I believe that there are various parts here that can help me cope better in my daily life.
It is not so hard to have a difficult spouse if you know how to keep your cool on a daily basis. The worst thing one can offer you is sympathy or empathy. I say that because it is the spouse and the marriage was set in love. It must be crucially worked on by the minute with the difficult spouse. This information is very easy to read and understand and I think anyone can benefit from it.
Thea
Dec 11 08, 6:34 pm UTC

109
Hi. I really liked this article. Accidentally, upon having a conversation just a minute ago, I began searching the net just to mollify myself. I was really appalled by someone whom I expect to be open-minded. Anyway, I got bunch of ideas from this article and I hope it would be useful soon. I know it would.
Thea
Dec 11 08, 7:07 pm UTC

110
Anyway, is it because, as teens, we tend to defend or assert ourselves, people older than us feel indifferent. As if implying that we are “getting powerful”? I just don’t really understand them. I respect them as they are, but if they show those kind of attitude I really feel bad.
Paul Atkins
Jan 22 09, 7:18 am UTC

111
Actually, dealing with difficult people is to deal with our emotional and feeling. No one couldn’t hurt your feeling unless you allow permission.
Sounds simple, but difficult in real world since we are human being we have feeling, thought and emotions. Practice, practice and practice the principle will create peaceful mind which is the real happinees that couldn’t buy with money but gain it by practicing and patience.
Kanya
Feb 03 09, 7:03 pm UTC

112
Very good article. Will work for 90 plus situations. However, If we tend to bend, we will be taken advanrage of it and considered to be our weakness, so, it the insult repeats often in different forms, we need to take assertive step.
James
Feb 13 09, 5:24 am UTC

113
I think these are excellent tips. I certainly am guilty of some of the negative energy, but who isn’t? I do think that cutting your loses, so to speak, isn’t the right way to handle a negative person. That is also in conflict with rule #1- be forgiving. This information will be appreciated in the future when trying to resolve/handle conflicts. Thanks for the advice!
Gina
Feb 18 09, 7:07 am UTC

114
THIS WAS VERY POWERFUL & VERY INFORMATIVE. THANKS A LOT! wink….

Gina
kosmopolit
Feb 20 09, 3:15 pm UTC

115
If you can not change people, than just “change” them.
It is that simply.
kristin
Feb 25 09, 5:20 pm UTC

116
What if the difficult person you are dealing with has potential to have power over your degree? right now i am student teaching and my cooperating teacher is basically adult bullying me and i am worried i may not pass my practicum. she finds fault in everything i do. i am afraid to go to my faculty advisor because she has already taken the cooperating teachers side in the past.
Cee
Mar 05 09, 5:08 pm UTC

117
Thanks! this article really help me through a difficult day at work. I love your style of writing, with such calm and clarity. Keep up the great work and positive writing that can make a difference in people’s lives.
chris
Mar 08 09, 2:02 pm UTC

118
All I can say is “Thank you!” for this article-it has opened my eyes and I feel free to let it all go with a certain person. Also, I feel armed with coping skills I just haven’t been able to find all in one place-can’t wait to read more articles!
Frustrated
Mar 12 09, 6:13 am UTC

119
I have read this before and here I am again.
I have a situation with a co-worker and it has been going on for over a year off and on.
I have done the passive, water off a ducks back, I am not going to let her negativity and passive agressive comments/actions bother me. I have also tried to stand up for myself and call her out on her negative actions. NOTHING works with her. She is very passive agressive, making comments under her breath while I walk by, actions when I am coming or leaving the office. She has no accountability and turns the converstations around after they are done and she is being spoken to regarding it.
Frustrated
Mar 12 09, 6:16 am UTC

120
Sorry about my post above…. I didn’t finish it and can’t edit it. It posted before I was through. Any advice is welcomed! It is at the point that my husband will not come in my work because he has to pass the receptionist who also makes comments to him and we have complaints from people that she is inappropriate.. but no one is doing anything. Keep in mind… we work in Mental Health and she once told someone who called and stated they were in crisis..”yeah, well everyone is in crisis”
pc
Mar 12 09, 5:04 pm UTC

121
I second kristin’s question. I am currently dealing with a supervisor that is generous with the verbal abuse, particularly in stressful situations. How can one be assertive in this circumstance, especially when the abuse is taken too far (becoming racist, sexist, rather than staying within the realm of the professional skill acquisition you are there to do)?
Johnathon Buckler
Mar 26 09, 4:23 am UTC

122
I like what you had to say it helped me to try and look at things from a little more other perspective. I have a hard time controlling my impulse of words because of the defense things. Is there any methods i could take in order to keep frustration from building and bursting with negative words, because i rather have a casual conversation without geting angry no matter what is said to me. I would like to have controll of the conversation to where no one will be mad and both parties will come out of the talk satisfied and possiable better friends.
grace
Mar 30 09, 8:27 pm UTC

123
there was so much positive energy flowing in my soul after i read this. i feel so much more at peace with the world. thank you :)
Helln
Apr 01 09, 9:21 am UTC

124
@ Tina,

Your advices are good, but I’m in a situation where I need to work with this very negative and difficult person… that is also manipulative and a bully…

I’m in this position and trying the best I can to follow several rules for 4 years now. I even got the chance to move from the office we shared to another location. She always bullies someone around her. At first, I was her boss and I guess she was too intimidated to pick me from the start, since she picked one of her colleagues, but I saw through what she was trying to do.

At some point during the 1st two years I went on a burn-out. When I came back, I decided to just join the team to help since that she was going on maternity leave. While she was away, there were no particular issues within the team. When she came back, she refused to speak to me or to work with me (I might even say that she is following the 8th rule herself on me).

I’m at the point of where I will need to sacrifice my job, which I like, because she makes it hell for me… I don’t find that fair!

Any thoughts?
Tina Su

Apr 02 09, 12:39 pm UTC

125
@Helln

Sounds like she needs to be fired if she is making the workplace environment uncomfortable for others. She probably hates her job and is expressing her dislike with the people she works with.

I would recommend that you speak candidly and openly with someone who supervises her, or is the boss’s boss. There isn’t a whole lot we can do, as co-workers than to do our best to not let other people bother us. But in the position where your work is being effected, I would first talk to your manager. That’s what managers are paid to do.

@Frustrated

Speak to her manager about this. If the manager doesn’t respond, talk to your manager’s manager.

@kristin

I feel bad to hear about your story. You have two options:

1) Speak to the teacher in charge of you, and express how something she said made you feel. Ask if there’s anything you can do so that she can ask you or speak to you in a different way. Be honest and candid, but without pointing fingers at her, so that she becomes defensive. Express how something made YOU feel.

2) Talk to the faculty advisor, but give specific and valid examples of how she may have acted inappropriately.

@pc

When abusive comments becomes racist or sexist, that is called being out of line, and not acceptable in a professional setting. I don’t know your situation, but I would speak to his/her supervisor, or even the manager above that. And if you are in a profession like Lawyers with a professional association, report the person.

No one should endure abuse.

To EVERYONE Reading This

The article above is for normal cases of dealing with difficult people from your family or at work in typical cases. I am not advertise that you should suffer or do nothing for cases of severe verbal abuse. No one should endure that. Please do something about it, either talk to the person directly (in a non-confrontational manner), or talk to your manager or their manager at work.
Kitty80
Apr 07 09, 12:08 am UTC

126
Wow, I also really needed this today. Thanks Tina!! I have over the years had my strong days and my weak days in dealing with difficult people. What I can say I have learnt is that I can also be extremely difficult, and thats what I needed to do to be able to cope with those situations. I was once told that when something bothers you about someone else, its usually because you have a unresolved issue that their action has triggered. Dealing with that in a understanding and honest way can bring the best results. This article has just centered me again because i was going off track. I do believe that everyone has good and bad days, and being female and dealing with PMS has also helped! (As funny as that may be!) Though it puts you in situations where your emotions and reactions can be volatile and unexpected and its only fair to keep in mind that everyone can be like that. I try and also look at the funny side of the situation if i can, it defuses it quick if you can get it right and turns a situation that could of made you feel miserable into something that makes you feel good.

Lisa
Mystic Madness

Apr 15 09, 11:08 pm UTC

127
very well written. yesterday i wrote a similar article on Balloon approach to remain positive. If you have time do let me know your views on it.
JasonR
Apr 21 09, 5:53 pm UTC

128
I usually just fight. When the fight is over, someone wins, someone loses, but there is always a definitive winner and loser.
Dodo
Apr 23 09, 9:36 pm UTC

129
Amazing! I have just recently under a situation where I am surrounded by difficult people. They all try to bring me down and sabotage my work. This article helps me put things back on the right perspective.
Jessi
Apr 30 09, 11:46 am UTC

130
The only comment I have about this article is the line that says “However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses.” This is completely untrue. When a person strikes their dog, his first instinct is to bite and defend himself. However, they rationalize, use their brain, and make decisions.

A Dogs Quote: “Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet I CHOOSE not to bite you.”

Other than that, great article.
sankar
Apr 30 09, 11:10 pm UTC

131
I really had difficult times handling negativity and difficult people. As long as i tried to ignore them, it pops me up to give it back to them and makes me like i am waiting for my turn to go after them. I was there with my friends, who they bully an odd person as he cannot react back to it. But i have seen it that everyone will get to them the same thing right back ,no matter how strong they are. so, I demonstrate ,even if u want to be so not to show your negativity, it comes out definitely,, its a inherent insecure condition a man cannot take bullying him anyone of his ideas or character ,,,whatever.
casey
May 05 09, 3:17 pm UTC

132
Very helpful article – heres something that worked for me:Think about someone you just cant imagine anyone messing with and try and work out why. Usually you find its something as simple as body language – they walk into a room very confidently – they look very self assured – and it is very difficult for the office bully / negative or difficult person to make a comment or knock them down. So they pick on someone else – you or me perhaps – with head down looking slightly apologetic for being there – much easier target ! There will always be negative difficult or aggresive people out there – you cant change that – but you can stop being chosen as an easy target – even acting more confidently gives you more confidence and eventually as less people treat you negatively you become more self assured -for real. Also try this mantra – people can only treat you as badly as you allow them to. Good luck.
Rosemary
May 06 09, 10:25 am UTC

133
I’m not sure if I agree with #5 about not talking about it. I feel like it’s unhealthy to not vent or talk about it, although I also agree it’s not good to beat a dead horse. I’ve never seemed to find a solution that works for me. Most of the time, I just look for another job because negative/difficult people are always going to be a step ahead of me.
ken Yilmaz
May 06 09, 10:30 am UTC

134
Yeah thats a helpf ful article – people are bored and unhappy – thats why their negative – I cant relate to it at all so its very hard for me to deal with
Carlatta
May 06 09, 4:42 pm UTC

135
I found the part about negative people being unhappy and bored very interesting. I often wonder what goes on in the minds of people who don’t have anything better to do, than just make up false thoughts in their mind and act on them. I wonder whether they lack positive friends in their life or maybe lack a healthy social life.

This acticle made alot of my thoughts about negative people very clear to me.

Thank you…..
Amy
May 11 09, 11:23 pm UTC

136
I am facing a difficult person for 2 years! And worst still, she is my work buddy… it resulted in both of us not handling to each other work related stuffs when either one is not around. Boss are aware too.. We have requested for a change in buddy for so long, but it was refused.. boss keep saying that I need to deal with her positively.. I have been trying to ignore her bad comments, her gossip, how she try to create politics… but still.. I may be able to ignore her for awhile but not forever..she will try to find trouble for me.. can someone advise me how to deal with her? Should I stop ignoring her?
Tina Su

May 12 09, 7:03 am UTC

137
Hi Amy,

“What we resist, persists.”

The more we ignore and not accept something, the more it will bother us. The best thing to do here is to practice acceptance and compassion.

I understand that it sounds easier said than done, but I believe that the Universe presented you with this challenge so that you can grow and expand yourself through overcoming this challenge.

If you must work with this person, and there is nothing else you can do (ie. management), then practice fully accepting her, observe your reactions to her comments or actions with awareness, observe without judgement (as if you are the third person, unrelated to the situation).

People only have as much power over us, if we allow it. Stop giving the situation power.

Warmly,
Tina
Brandy

May 14 09, 5:18 am UTC

138
Thank you SOOO much for this article! I know it was written last year, but after dealing with a difficult moment this morning with two coworkers, I had to gain perspective. I posted this on my blog, giving all credit to you.

Thanks again!
http://www.xanga.com/babyrowanpaige
Eric
May 17 09, 5:33 pm UTC

139
Thank you, this article is insightful, concise and powerful.
Matt
May 19 09, 1:49 pm UTC

140
1. Take any logs out of your own eye before confronting the one
making you angry. These are difficult to see, pray and ask God to
reveal them to you. Thoughtfully read through the book of Proverbs
and consider where you need to change. Pray for love for this
person and reject any hateful/complaining thoughts towards them.
“Dislike” is the same as “hate,” just a milder form. Cut out hatred in
your heart at it’s root.
2. Seek advice from a friend or respected elder who is not afraid to tell
you the painful truth. Ask them to point out your faults in this
situation. Be willing to accept whatever he/she tells you.
3. Don’t complain to the person you have problems with about the
problem, but offer constructive solutions and encouragement
towards the right thing.
GottaLoveEM
May 20 09, 8:38 am UTC

141
Great article and blog. We’re all learning, even those who refuse to learn.

I think the trick is reacting with a less destructive response than “giving the negativity back”. I still react to the general philosophy that developing a strategy for difficult people is even necessary, BUT… since it is (swallow…choke!) I try to develop ways to react to the person’s issues with charm and dignity, while also communicating that their rudness isn’t going to be tollerated.

I have a coworker who is just awful. Poor communicatior, unable to see other’s perspective, or even to allow that they are entitled to one… interrupts (not interjects, over runs any person that speaks a contrary point). At first I observed and absorbed it, following the appropriate social response of just trying to get away as soon as possible with little confrontation. During the second or third meeting I specifically asked for the courtesy to finish my thoughts so we could address the business issue. When we reached no agreement I suggested we meet with management. This worked the one time – she came and apologized, then we reached an agreement… but with discomfort. A few weeks later she “stepped” on me again, and I walked away. I met with leadership and expressed my concerns, then indicated that when I was spoken to incorrectly my response was only going to be “Ouch”. Two ouches were allowed, on the third I was going to insist that a meeting be set for a moderated conversation.

Although I don’t feel GOOD about having to go to this much effort, and I DO stress over it all the time, I also expect that my methods will be respected by all in the long run. The learning and development of this other creature is not my responsibility (ARRRGH! Hard for me to grasp) but I also have a responsibility to my self and my employer to learn coping skills that do not interfere with business objectives.

Doesn’t help that if I lowered myself to her level, and matched her voice in both tone and decibels, I could slam dunk her from here to kingdom come. I don’t enjoy doing it, even though I could do it VERY well and end the issues.

At what cost to psyche, energy, relationships, networking, peace and piece of mind!

Not worth it!
Jessica
May 22 09, 8:35 am UTC

142
Great advice…I follow it religiously. I have a person in my life who is unbearably mean and negative and is constantly trying to bring me and my family down with her. I can’t avoid her because she has a child with my husband. As much as we try to disengage, to not acknowledge the negative behavior, it becomes impossible when she involves my 9 year old step son. When she can’t get the negative response from us that she is looking for, she used my stepson as a weapon. HELP! What can I do to make it stop?
Tina Su

May 22 09, 10:02 am UTC

143
Hi Jessica,

1. Stop labeling her as a mean and negative person. Stop talking about her as a person seeking negative response.

2. Accept her for who she is. Remember, only we can allow other people to affect us. What power they have over us, is the power we’ve given them to have over us. Decide that you will not give her any more power. Do not react or reject what she says or does. Accept her.

3. Sounds like she’s in her survival mode. One thing we can do to help someone out of survival mode is to give them genuine appreciation. This will trigger love in them, and bring them out of the state they are in. Try giving her compliments (honest and authentic compliments) for things she’s done well, and thanking her for things you appreciate about her.

Love and awareness is the key to overcome this.

You may also find this recent article to be helpful (Simply replace the story with your own story. The tips are applicable to your situation as well):
How to End Suffering

Warmly,
Tina
Amy F
May 22 09, 1:25 pm UTC

144
SUPER article!! Thanks so much!!
Penelope
Jun 06 09, 8:50 am UTC

145
Hi, how can you possibly think this is valid? Remove those negative people from your life? you might be married to them, they might be your brother or brother-in-law or mother-in-law or close co-worker. Give me a break. That is a platitude, grasshopper.
Martha
Jun 13 09, 9:35 pm UTC

146
Thank you so much for this! I needed it, and some of it was very original.
Chris P
Jun 16 09, 10:12 am UTC

147
I am the negative person that frustrates you. I’m trying hard not to be. You are right about a lot of things. I do act this way unconsciously, out of my own pain. I’ve been hardwired to think negatively from childhood. And my outlook affects much of my daily life. One part of me is feeling good about using these tools you’ve suggested to help myself be more positive. The other part is angry at the type of people you are…the type that focus on themselves and give not a moment to others. Maybe you shouldn’t, maybe you can’t. I’m angry at those who ignore my pain. I’m angry with myself for letting it out, even now. Its like a secret see. No one wants to be around a negative person. So, what do I do? Be alone while I try to change on my own? Seek help, right? Talk to a 3rd party counselor that isn’t really emotionally vested in me anyway. Lol…so cynical I know. Its perhaps a twisted way to get attention. Yes, I’ve considered that. Honestly, its so much a part of my personality, its hard to not be negative. From my heart of hearts, and this is the worst part, my fear is being left alone. Anyway…just thought I’d write from the other side of the spectrum.
PPEE
Jun 17 09, 11:31 pm UTC

148
Good suggestions over in dealing difficult people. Act of assertive will work on some situations. In a situation when that difficult person is someone you respect most (e.g parents or grands), it really bring your pressure up. Emotion can break down in this difficult situation couple with other hidden issue like what cause the person to flare, lots of imagination and saying things that utterly untrue…

Using assertive method will only make matter worst.
Cindy W.
Jun 20 09, 1:29 pm UTC

149
I have tried to do what is stated in the articile above, but my problem is I have no way of cutting this person out of my life. He is my little girl’s father. He says stuff just to hurt me. I don’t react positively or negatively. I just let him talk. The bad thing is my little girl see and hears what he is saying. I worried it is going to affect her. Also he only does this when his girlfriend is not around. He has to look like the good person to her. Does anyone have any suggestion for me?
Cris Bates
Jun 21 09, 11:11 am UTC

150
I Love the Article. Great Job. I wouldlike to use it as a reference for one of my school essays. Would that be ok? If yes, then can i please get your first and last name. Please and thank you Tina. You can just email me at crisbates89@gmail.com
Suhrob
Jun 24 09, 9:02 pm UTC

151
Thank you very much! Great article.
craig
Jul 07 09, 10:20 pm UTC

152
What if these negative people are messing up your career?
Amy
Jul 10 09, 8:11 am UTC

153
Hi. thanks for your reply dated 12 May 09.

Thanks for your advice of : ” The more we ignore and not accept something, the more it will bother us. The best thing to do here is to practice acceptance and compassion” I have been trying to get use to her method,treating her as if she is just another colleague and been telling myself tat “it just her.”
However, recently I realised that other colleagues have been telling her tat I have been talking behind her back. She called me out and confronted me that I should stop talking behind her, and that I should speak straight to her if I am unhappy. This caught me in surprise as I am not the one bitching behind her.. its her who cause my life miserable!!!I only remembered commenting 1 day, “tat I will not bother about her, i am just doing my things” is this considered bitching?? I just kept quiet and finished the confrontation with ” Are you done” and walked away..

I don’t know wat to do.. n am lost. Please advice
Alex
Jul 12 09, 11:33 pm UTC

154
Thank you
Alan
Jul 14 09, 8:19 am UTC

155
Hey ..Great article.
Absolutely loved few bits like:
‘People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. ‘

I really enjoyed reading the article and will try imply it in my life =)

Well i do need a little advice… sometimes people who appear so content and happy with themselves..make such degrading comments that ruins your mood. Cant even say that they are unhappy with their lives. Its kind of annoying. And i do face such people.
bballer
Jul 14 09, 1:14 pm UTC

156
Everything you say is very true but, what if the person that is difficult is someone you hold very dearly and it just makes it harder becausae they are alwaya around and you love them so.
Fanci
Jul 30 09, 11:28 pm UTC

157
Well there’s only one thing that I got out of this article that really bothered me.
Is the whole thing about saying just “brush it off” kind of manner.
My fiance is naturally a negative person and well, I’ve basically had to deal with him my whole life, (we’ve been together since we were 13).

And if you keep doing the same techniques over and over eventually it’s just not going to work anymore. So at points you have to tell them “Hey look, you’re being an a-hole, and you need to shut up, thanks”
Because if you keep everything bottled up inside like that, one day you’re just going to explode. Sometimes you need to express your feelings to get over something.
But other than that, I think it was a great article. Good job!
Greg
Aug 06 09, 1:57 pm UTC

158
I’ve been trying to deal with a crappy boss forever. What makes it worse is my boss is my dad. He gets angry with me when I don’t ask questions and he gets angry when I do. He gets angry when I don’t follow directions but it’s perfectly acceptable for him to ignore anything I say. On top of that, he gets angry when I don’t tell him how to do things. It’s a never ending cycle of quadruple+ standards that are always convenient to his situation. Yes, I know I should get a new job but being stuck in this hellhole for the last 14 years I’ve tried to go to classes to learn marketable skills. I get the OK from him that I can take a class or two after work then a couple of weeks into the course he pulls me aside and asks what my priorities are. Should my job or classes be my number one concern? It never ends. I admit I haven’t read all of the above article but I will after I rant a bit and give a bit of background before I request suggestions to my oh-so-lovely job.
Claudia
Aug 31 09, 10:00 pm UTC

159
Thank you! I had a very difficult situation come up last week with a co-worker and this article really helped to keep things in perspective.
Nisit
Sep 01 09, 12:06 am UTC

160
i found the stuff very powerful and a person should follow the tips (above mentioned) in dealing with difficult people. it’s very common for everyone to get interact with difficult people but to control the emotions and dealing with those type of people is not a easy task. i like the most the lines”“Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” and its really true because after having a negativity for someone , a person actually hurts himself not other one. at last i want to say for making relationship if we are to consider wrong ourself in stead of that, we are right , i think we should consider wrong ourself just for others happiness.
DeadSoul
Sep 01 09, 6:47 am UTC

161
Hi,

Very nice article. I try to do all the things, but situations get out of hand so much that I cant control my emotions. But then out of respect or should i say fear of loosing my very good friend i keep quite. But it so happens that he never realizes and keeps on saying the things. He wants me to do stuff that he wants the way he wants it. When i do it he never acknowledges but when i dont do one small thing he makes it a point to mention it. Its very hurtful. When i say something he puts me down, he sometimes says thing sin public, even though they are good friends. I sometimes, he insults or says things that are insulting to me, maybe he knows what he does but, he never stops, and sometimes he thinks he is helping me. We were very good friends when we were far away. But now that we are room mates he takes me for granted or should i say i feel that he takes me for granted.

I just got a job, im moving away. I hope things get better. I just want to say one thing, again this is my side of the story i dont know what triggered him to say this, Back when we both were looking for a job, I got a call from a potential client, when i told him he goes, ” WTF how will you get a call and I cant?” I never complained when he got a call or had an interview instead i tried helping him through the situations. He is still so concerned about himself, that he forgets about people around him. I am not the type that keeps quite about these things even though no one confronts him. I feel like I must do something about it. That is why i let these things effect me. Maybe I am jealous that he can get away after saying things. Yes that is it. I know it. I Know what I have to do. But i Just cant do it cause i am maybe not built that way.

I wish he will read this and realize how i feel. I dont want to loose my very good friend. He is elder to me and treats me like a brother. Maybe i want him to treat me like a elder person. I just want to be a very good friend. I am i just want him to accept me. He is a wonderful guy. its just that some people are like this. I want to help and be helped.

Please suggest what I do, now that i am moving away, I dont want to leave on a bad note after our 3 year friendship. He is very important person in my life. One of my very good friends. I am moving away in 2 days. Please suggest. I need help I dont know how to handle this situation. I will be waiting for replies and I will check this every hour. Till I leave.

Thanks in advance.
Ron
Sep 06 09, 10:20 am UTC

162
It’s hard to deal with negative people in the workplace. You can’t always follow the guidelines listed above. For instance, it’s hard to get away from or exclude yourself from difficult people when you work with them or beside them everyday. I’m going to try and use some of the other methods listed above to ‘kill them with kindness’ and such. I hope I can get this negative aura away and start to bring a more positive outlook to my life and more importantly, … the workplace. “Don’t fuel their fire!”
Mary
Sep 08 09, 4:49 am UTC

163
I found this article after a stressful disturbing day. My difficult person is my mother and although I gree with the article and usually cut her a lot of slack, other family members and friends, do not. While it is very easy for some people to cut her out of their life, it is something that I simply cannot do. My father passed away 2 years ago and she is getting worse by the day. I used to blame a lot of things on him, but I now see that she is the one that is usually pissing people off. When she said something innappropriate to a friend of mine and that friend tried to correct her, she got very angry and now no longer wants to be in her company. Actually, neither does my friend want to be in her comany, which is fine, until it comes to me. I feel like I am cheating on one when I am with the other. My mom also does not a have a great realtionship with my brother and his wife. I think that their solution is just to keep their distance. My brother also tried to correct her, when she was clearly wrong and she only got pissed off at him. Even when I try to tell her that he is right, there is just no changing the way she see things. She gets very pissed off and I see that many of her friends are not calling very often and have even dumped her as thier friend. She also make a flipent comment like, I don’t care if I ever talk to that person again, but I think that deep down it must really hurt. She does not drive and is very healthy for her age. I feel badly, because I see that she is wasting many valuable years. I as the daughter always feel like I have a pit in my stomach. My husband usually takes her crap pretty well. It usually just comes in the form of inappropriate comments that are unsolicitied. If we wanted an opinion, we would ask. She just feels like she can say whatever she wants without consequence. I would love any feedback or insight as to how I should deal with her. I am not very good at responding back. When it comes to things she says to me, I usually just let it go, but the older she gets and the more time she has on her hands, the more annoyed I am getting. All I want to do is help her and keeep my sanitiy.
Umar
Sep 08 09, 4:51 pm UTC

164
You really do know what it’s like. I found myself sayin “yehh” and “exactly” a lot coz it is sooo what its like. Like the advice… I just hopeit works lol
Nicole
Sep 11 09, 8:59 am UTC

165
hi. Im nicole. I think with some well a lot of practice i’ll try to over come the negative and become a better person for myself, and try to stop feeding into drama imature girls… btw i’ve realized yoga is extremely relaxing.
Clare
Sep 16 09, 12:57 am UTC

166
Hi there,
What fantastic, clear and useful advice!!! Thankyou. I’m printing this out and putting it in my work locker. Brilliant.
forrest
Sep 19 09, 8:37 pm UTC

167
I love the advice overall.

You say not to discuss the issue or person and to divert your thoughts elsewhere. On the other hand, I’ve heard that’s what a good girlfriend is for – to vent about someone or something to get it of your system.

I’ve tried unsuccessfully in the past to supress anger at a person/situation, but I find myself dwelling on it until I want to bust!

I’m torn between trying again to not vent, or venting specifically to a select person and for a set amount of time. Nothing productive comes from unending complaining.
forrest
Sep 19 09, 8:49 pm UTC

168
to Cindy W.

I would think you should establish firm boundaries. Don’t allow him to speak to you that way in front of your child – end the conversation and walk away. I think that would set a positive example for her. Communicate via email or phone whenever necessary so your daughter does not hear the abuse. If there’s no reason for him to see you in person, then don’t see him. Find a neutral or public place to drop off and pick-up your daughter during visitations. My parents divorced, and I don’t recall any communication between my mom and my dad although they were active and loving parents. This was before email – so, at least in our situation, it can be done. Hope this helps.
Ali
Sep 22 09, 9:19 pm UTC

169
To Mary,
Sounds like my Mum.
Perhaps some of my observations and coping strategies may help.
My Dad is aloof, off flying aircraft and busy avoiding her.
My Brother lives on the other side of the planet!
My sister is regretting having a granny flat.
And I have moved, due to work, to a humid climate and Mum hates humid climates.
My Mum finds the faults in others and uses them as reasons why she cannot have any sort of friendship with that person.
She has had trauma in her past. Lost two babies to a rare disease, then remarried.
When my son was born, she came up with every excuse to stay away or not hold him when she was visiting. “He doesn’t like me.” was her favourite. As if a new born has such an opinion. Fact is, she didn’t want to get attached emotionally until he was past the age when her son died. logical, but subconscious. Very frustrating for me.
She also has an opinion on EVERYTHING! The word ‘should’ is used a lot, with a tone that makes everyone tense. (She denies she has a tone.)
She is terrified of social situations, has convinced herself of certain myths, and isolates herself.
She is convinced she has found the perfect smile for photos, since she feels the same anxiety with being photographed as she does with mingling at parties. (It’s a grimace not a smile. Though she doesn’t agree.)
Her mother is born on the same day, only twenty years earlier. They are carbon copies.
Gran is slowly losing it, but doing well for a 92 year old.
Mum is 67 and finds Gran increasingly impossible.
Mum said to me about 10 years ago, “You tell me if I ever start getting like Gran, won’t you.” (Sure Mum.)
Actually I did, and she took it as the biggest most hurtful insult. (oops! Won’t bother with that one again.)

These women come from an age when ‘The customer is always right’ and ‘respect your elders’.
They do not ever want to be told that they are wrong, they find it disrespectful. Really they do not need to be told, unless it is something life threatening.
I love them both from a distance, even if I’m in the same room with them, if you know what I mean.
Gran has taught me how to deal with Mum.
1. We have the 24 hour rule. Visits are in small friendly doses, then we have a rest. We only stay one night, if that.
2. Phone calls are kept shallow and chirpy. This is best for all. It can improve their moods and mine, nothing too deep, no cans of worms, and nothing that will make them worry.
3. Never talk about money. That’s where a lot of the ‘shoulds’ come out.
4. Listen. Without comment.
5. If pushed for a comment, sit on the fence, take the middle path, be diplomatic, be a peace keeper. Eg: “I don’t know.”, “Maybe”, “That’s an interesting point of view.”, “I haven’t really thought about it.”, “I haven’t had the time to do that.”, “I have a lot going on at the moment.”, “I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”,
6. Answer with a question. Eg: “How do you feel about that?”, “What would be the easiest ‘down stream’ thing to do?”
7. Keep the call short. In Australia we are lucky to have a 20 minute deal on phone calls, so it’s easy. But if I need to cut it even shorter, “I’ve just realised the time, I’m late for a meeting.”, “Oh dear, one of the children just fell over, I’ve got to go.”, “I’m burning something in the kitchen, got to go.”
8. ALWAYS tell them you love them before you hang up. ALWAYS!
It gives them a consistent sense of emotional security.

Mental illness can be VERY subtle. It can mess up a persons life before any one knows they have a problem. It is a health issue, just like a broken limb or a gall stone. The only difference is, it effects everyone on an emotional level. It is hard to live with someone who is inflicting their mental illness on others, and much easier to judge and reject them.

I believe my mother has depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder and a touch of alzheimer’s. But to her there is nothing wrong, it’s everyone else.

Mary, learn what not to do from her. Each time she says something hurtful, separate yourself from it. It’s not you, it’s her. And she is doing the best she can with old coping mechanisms that no longer work.

It’s not your place to correct her, heal her, or fight her.
It is your place to step into your adult power, define your boundaries, be consistent, anchor to your own point of view, and be strong.

You don’t need to protect the feelings of others, although you can suggest to them simple ways of coping, eg: asking what is the path of least resistance, or asking what action is down stream here.

The middle path, very Buddhist/Taoist, is the path of least resistance. We don’t have to live on the other side of the world, or be with them constantly. Those extremes create drama and contrast.
Be with her for a comfortable amount of time and them lovingly excuse yourself.

Let the little comments roll over you like water off a ducks back. It’s not your guilt, not your anxiety, not your ego, not your trauma. So you don’t need to comment or act on it.
(My Father just closes his eyes and pretends he is asleep! I guess we all have things that work for us! LOL!)

Give yourself permission to enjoy your life.
Also remember you are loved always, no matter what.

I hope this helps.
Ali. xo!

PS: Keep her busy. Make sure she has plenty to do!
It’s simple and true, busy people are happier and have less time to dwell in negative thought patterns. Also math and word puzzles keep her in her logical left hemisphere of the brain. (The right hemisphere is the emotional side.) I got my mum hooked on sidoku! She gets a book of them every mothers day or birthday! She also does quilting, lots of geometric patterns and repetitive motions, these release endorphins into the brain, as does chewing gum so I’ve been told!
Mary
Sep 28 09, 5:47 am UTC

170
Hi Ali,

Just logged on today to see if anyone had responded to my post. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and give me your thoughts and opinions. I will re-read it often to continue to remind myself of many of the things that you have brought up.

It is definitely a little difficult to be able to keep distance due to the fact that she lives so close to me. I will however, try to not get into things too deeply. You are right in that she needs to find something to keep her busy and keep her mind occupied. It’s funny that you mentioned Siduko. A really good friend of hers does them. Unfortunately she lives in another country. On a visit we both tried to show her what is was and explain how good it was for the mind. She wanted no part of it. We have tried the knitting thing, which she is great at, but how many scarves can one person own. After making and giving one to just about every person she knows, that came to an end. I suppose that it is true. It is I that has to change. I basically do take the middle road and definitely let things roll. From now on though I must be tough in not wanting to hear it from others. they must learn to fight their own battles and not get me in the middle of it. That is something I must work on.
Thank you so much for your response to me.
Mary
Frank Mifflin
Oct 01 09, 5:50 pm UTC

171
Simply helpful and easy to absorb. Your words will contagiously spread through every thought while dealing with my daily situations.
kelli
Oct 06 09, 7:23 am UTC

172
Thank you for this article…I was in the midst of a difficult decision and how to deal with it with a difficult person and I said a prayer and googled how to deal with a difficult person and this is what I got! MY ANSWER
cantoohide
Oct 08 09, 6:16 am UTC

173
Twice in my life I’ve worked at jobs in which I dealt with the public. 40 years ago I was a police clerk, and until 5 years ago I was a clerk at a library. In the police job, which occasionally brought me into contact with suspects, victims, and angry citizens, I never encountered people as difficult as the worst ones I encountered in the library job. I think these could fairly be described as borderline sociopathic. In the space of a generation, some of society’s stays seem to have come undone, and some people who would have been able to function more or less normally no longer can contain themselves. And now that I’m no longer a public servant but a member of the public, I find myself exhibiting some of the same symptoms in the same kinds of situations. I suspect that one of the reasons is the spread of advertising and public relations tactics to every corner of the culture, coupled with the increasing powerlessness of the ordinary citizen. We’re all being sold snake oil all the time, we’re almost always cheated of what’s promised to us, and we’re almost always helpless to do anything about it. Even when we win, the victory is usually illusory. I think this used not to be a universal condition, but maybe I was just too young to recognize it. And I think it’s one big reason that many people, perhaps the majority, have become impossible to deal with. It’s a symptom of infection; a reaction to their condition.
Karley
Oct 14 09, 6:07 pm UTC

174
How do you deal with negative family members though? I can’t exactly separate myself from them since I’m living with my immediate family and I’m still too young to live on my own.
sarah
Oct 14 09, 7:49 pm UTC

175
Oh my god…this article really helped me actually. There is this horrible person in my life and I cannot just get rid of them…but this article taught me how to deal with them better. THANK YOU!
matt
Oct 19 09, 12:31 am UTC

176
I have found neutruel responses are the best way to effecitvely manage someone, because let’s face it your tips are exactly that, means to manage or more accurately said, control others. You’re controlling their behavior to one that placates your emotions. And your methods will work some of the time, for me I find being neturuel is idea, a response that is neither assertive nor weak(like many of your tips). As it offers no ground which to easily exploit or look down upon thus attack. I find that solution a works 90 percent of the time, then if that doesn’t work I try confrontation, but not like zach put(oh dear sir your behavior is rude and unaccepctable-seriously you’re asking to be mocked) hahaha. What I do is: “what’s your problem” “Why do you not like me” something among those lines, non-hostile but very candid questions, typically works espically with the angry assholes/egomaniacs and finally for the ultimate egomanaics, the obdurate, inobstinate, the best method is social control and manipulation. But it has to be circumscribed so you convey your point and your ability to harm without being excessive. Very fine line.
As a previously egracious manipulator, most of the techniques the readers suggested don’t work, in matter of fact, of any of those techniques were used I would be insullted, I would see it as an affront, a very open attempt to outwit me, to out-manipulate me, a conniving indvidual will be outraged at such an attempt. So they will attack you more, in fact you will become their sole focus. Like in high school this one kid who just pissed me off because he was weak and a geek and just generally pathetic in his demenor, yet despite this he had an attitude and he reminded me of alot of you. So I manipulated the situation so that the other kid in class believed kid a(loser) vilified him and et cetra, until kid B confronted kid A and demanded he meet him after school to fight it out. So naturally the whole school showed up(50 kids) and kid A naturally never showed up and his high school reputation was forever destroyed.
plonker
Oct 21 09, 1:13 pm UTC

177
Thanks for article – very apt at the moment – difficult situation at work and I was subject to some negative and some unfounded (not all) personal comments. They have really upset me and made me angry. Realise that it’s not all about me and that I will deal with situation when I am calmer and ask for advice from them. It’s true that I’m angry and upset because comments hit a nerve. However, they ae obviously harbouring problems as well. Space definately needed for a while…..
Joell Ardon
Oct 21 09, 7:45 pm UTC

178
Excellent article, and unless I miss my bet, you are a follower of Dan O’Connor, the Energy Vampire Slayer whose specialty is dealing with difficult people. You can’t miss his influence.

******************
REPLY

I’ve never heard of Dan O’Connor before. I am definitely not influenced by him. You can find my influences under the book section:
http://thinksimplenow.com/books/
Kumar
Oct 23 09, 6:34 am UTC

179
haha…i got rejected by some1 today, so i ended up searching for “how to handle rejection” in google and landed up in ur site finally..good articles u got here…and very glad to see West acknowledging and tapping into East’s knowledge…heard of Paramahamsa Nithyananda…but havent read any books yet…too busy with Vivekananda books and others…

i love ur…”Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!”
Wendy
Oct 23 09, 10:13 am UTC

180
Does it work if the difficult person is your spouse?

This advice is good for us, but not enough to improve love relationship.
DeadSoul
Oct 26 09, 6:53 pm UTC

181
Hi,

I actually had replied to the original post under the same name. Well, Now that I read the stuff i wrote I feel silly, reading it. But It was a fact and its still hurts.

I followed almost all the things you suggested, I think its very hard but, I tried. And I see a lot of change in my self.

Sometimes things are very simple, even though you know the answers, you dont want to see them. It so happens that someone points it out only then you realize it.

All I can say is relax, have fun, life is too precious to worry about these trivial things. Because the other person that is hurting you thinks this he is happy. If he was thinking like you, concentrating on how you feel, then he would never have said or done the things they did.

So I strongly feel this is good stuff, and we all should try and follow it.

Thanks Su.

PS: Forgive my English in my earlier post. I was frustrated.
PPS: Su maybe you can tell us how to deal with self control and ideas to quit Habits we want to quit, or even better help me talk to ladies. HEHE :)
Crystal Gale
Nov 02 09, 4:40 am UTC

182
I really love and love this article, it can help ease a mind full of questions onto how to deal with difficult people. And indeed this article is a point to have a good relationship with them. At the same giving ones self a respect.
katie
Nov 07 09, 6:24 am UTC

183
what do you do when some one acts like a child . he doesnt speak he likes to blame me rather than him self he asks me what the problem is so i tell him he dont like it and says it you it is like banging ny head against a brick wall
Ohji
Nov 10 09, 7:20 am UTC

184
This is very helpful. Thanks
dave
Nov 24 09, 3:33 pm UTC

185
i have had so many problems with people that i have different views with and i’ve learnt through making mistakes that you really do have to rise above and go against what your instincts tell you. Bottling up your emotions is a big no as it leaks out one way or another and will eventually explode like a bottle of shaken up pop. Listen to yourself and imagine what you sound like to the person your about to give abuse to, and try to not give them any excuse to insult you. But the most theraputic thing to relieve tension and anger is to write it all down and throw it in the bin ! !
El
Dec 01 09, 3:07 pm UTC

186
at times i just think..mehn, why did i have to meet this person at all…i try my best to keep things normal but the whole situation keeps repeating itself..like every 3-4-5 days the person’s always in this gloomy mood acting as if i’m the cause of all the bad things in this world..as much as i try to ignore the whole thing..or the person’s attitude or rudeness or try to understand the person..seems like i’m gettin nowhere…why do we have to be roomates!!!!i want to go home!!!!
elize
Dec 02 09, 3:56 am UTC

187
The old adage – give them enough rope and they will hang themselves- should also not be forgotten when dealing with negative or difficult people. l find that if you dont show they are bothering you it incenses them even more. A loud mouthed drunken woman once stood shouting abuse at me in a pub for whatever offence l had committed in her tiny minded world e.g. caught her handbag strap/ glanced at her partner when generally looking round the pub – you know the sort of thing – and l stood there placidly and smiled sweetly throughout her rant and just kept softly saying – oh did l – oh l am sorry. Well they practically had to scrape her off the ceiling in the end – she got more and more angry because she wasnt getting a reaction. Now to the crowd of onlookers she just looked like a ranting foul mouthed hag and l didnt lose any face at all and when eventually she was hauled away l just carried on enjoying my evening.

Remember it only takes one to make a fool of themselves but two to make a scene – you must just refuse to be the second character. On a personal note l had a lot of problems with a grown up step child – usual stuff again – hellbent on splitting us up etc – and l stopped arguing with my husband about it in the end because l realised l was giving horrible stepchild what he wanted-so whenever he tried to piss me off or had behaved badly-l would make a point of just walking up to my husband and stroke his face/touch his arm/give him a peck on the cheek/a smile etc. etc. right in front of the – now not so smug – stepson . A bit like the lady in the pub he would then go into overdrive and do more and more to get his own way i.e. an argument between me and his dad -until he was caught one day by his dad deliberately knocking a treasured present of mine off a shelf. Which takes me back to my first line – give them enough rope…..
Kathleen
Dec 02 09, 4:40 pm UTC

188
Your insight is wonderful, and rather refreshing! It is often difficult to think positive when someone has said somthing that really upset you. Addition, with the negative person being your mother-in-law, it is frustrating. Being the type of person who contstantly says “oh well, not my problem, it’s hers!”. It is getting harder to be more postive about her.

Staying positive about the decisions you/we have made, is very helpful to your psyc.. Your article was great!

-Kathleen Dunn
elize

Dec 03 09, 4:45 pm UTC

189
Thanks Kathleen – so glad my advice is some help. Its not always easy and l sometimes find myself not following it myself. Knowing the answer is not always enough you need the strength to carry it out. With mother in laws l know it can be very difficult. But there is no law that because you love your husband you have to love or even like their children/mother/sister etc etc. The only law is you have to be civil l would say. l am not sure what exact problems you are having with your mother in law but if its the usual uninvited opinions,constant criticisms /interfering etc then maybe if possible you could try having as little conversation or contact as possible. With my ex mother in law l always would say excuse me but l have just run a bath or have to rinse off some dye before my hair goes green or my sister /mother/best friend etc has just called needs to see me. There are hundreds of ways of politely avoiding any more contact than necessary – l actually suprised myself at how resourceful l became at it. As with the stepson situation also make sure to be very affectionate and have nothing but pleasant exchanges with your husband in front of her – take that smug sting out of her tail. Depending on how bad she is or how resistant to these tactics and if all else fails just treat her like you would an annoying child – dont give her the attention she demands-be dismissive. For example – my ex mother-in-law once marched in and announced my curtains could do with taking down and washing to which l replied – oh well when lm retired (obviously getting a dig at her being retired) l m sure l ll be able to keep on top of all those little details but more important things fill my time these days. The trick is to say it in a very casual and matter of fact way then it doesnt sound provocative. Also before she gets a chance to snipe something back its good to immediately go off on a tangent about something completely unrelated – oh by the way guess who l saw last Tuesday etc etc. Take away her momentum in other words. lm afraid its mind games and the only way to win is to play them too.
Sreedevi
Dec 10 09, 2:15 am UTC

190
Hi,

The article is really very helpful. Thanks for the tips.
It needs strength to get detached from the people you love. But it is always a better option to keep off negative and difficult people.

Many thanks,
Sreedevi
GB
Dec 13 09, 3:46 pm UTC

191
I like to cuss and demoralize an agressor immediately and then kick the ever living shit out of him shortly there after. Problem solved! They very rarely give me any other problems nor do they run their mouth to me ever again. Works for me!
Louis
Dec 14 09, 12:18 am UTC

192
interesting article: Personally i’d rather walk away from jerks or those that often ignores you when you’ll want to establish a conversation at social gatherings and No this isn’t a workplace case scenario but at my wife’s family gathering they do every single year, one of her Four boys doesn’t seem to have accepted me in to the family that ofttimes i have deep regrets to be involved with all of them by marriage, i don’t do drugs neither cheat or Abuse their Mother in Any way to provoke his Hostile attitude. There is a lot of nice people that have known him for years and described him to be a Two Faced user that Only Measures anyone by their Bank account, no matter what happens i will not let this matter discourage me from the pursuit of a long lasting relationship with my Wife and Rest of Her family and My career, we all know that sooner or later Social bullies will get theirs on the course of their lives.
Monica
Dec 19 09, 8:52 pm UTC

193
I really loved this I’m going through a lot right now and I really needed some guidiance and comfirmation on some thoughts thanks for your insite on this situation. Keep up the good work.
hirolingo
Dec 20 09, 2:38 pm UTC

194
thanks for tips!
i think sometime we can learn from negative comments or negative criticism.
however some negative or difficult people bother me continuously and maybe because i do not respond to them at all. i thought of standing up for myself but i do not want the situation worse since it is office setting. so, decided to keep my mouth shut. but…still going on…badmouthing about me behind my back (literally) as loud as i can hear…any suggestion?
susanlee

Dec 23 09, 2:31 pm UTC

195
Found this article at a time I really needed it. I could use more help, of the “When they say this, you say . . . ” variety. The really basic stuff.

Some people must be responded to, like a supervisor who gets right in your face. A standard phrase or two that you can grab onto, until you can formulate a response, would be helpful.
Ali Memon
Dec 23 09, 11:40 pm UTC

196
This article is good. I am going through the same and still trying to implement all this but it takes time. Can’t change myself over night or expect others to do the same for me. I feel that people only test you to see a response to make things more worse, they actually test your patience and play with you. Its just about holding on to your nerve and proceed with things in a timely fashion. This article is very accurate. Thank you.
Angela Ragosa
Dec 24 09, 11:48 pm UTC

197
I liked what you had to say and think it made a lot of sense. I needed some quick tips in dealing with a difficult person in my own life right now and needed adive “pronto” so I found this helpful and reassuring, thank-you!
chrehn
Jan 02 10, 9:47 am UTC

198
Thanks for the very helpful information, it helps make sense of some rude people. I have found over the years that I feel just as bad whether I “eat” the rude persons comments or say something like “what in the hell is that supposed to mean”. I guess I decide at the moment which response to use and try to live with it. It is always an awkward moment and I know I am going to feel mad at myself afterwards. Eventually, when I settle down I usually remember that it was at least a good reminder for me to try and improve myself.
Isaac L
Jan 04 10, 4:40 pm UTC

199
Hi, I’m writing an essay for school about conflict and resolution, and out of all the books I’ve read, and websites I’ve visited, yours was by far the most helpful and insightful. Thank you!
TRES
Jan 15 10, 11:31 am UTC

200
I I’m a very passive person when it comes to people I work with. I work in a ER and there are severeal nurses there that treat me like Crap. I want so badly to stand up to them but feel like I will be a fool and say something stupid. What should I do? This has been going on for several years.
Anna
Jan 21 10, 7:04 pm UTC

201
i am having a difficult time with my mother-in-law. She often tells other people in the family when she has an issue with me. It never fails to find its way to me by those people. most recently, (she is having financial problems) i went to the grocery store with her, we both had items to buy.. i offered to pay for hers. she accepted. she offered to take me out to lunch afterwards, i accepted. fast forward 3 weeks later… my bro-in-law is chatting with me on instant messenger and tells me that “mom was insulted when you bought her groceries”. this really hurt. i told him i wasn’t interested in engaging in the converesation anymore. he kept sending hurtful messages that i was acting immature. he said he was trying to help by telling me what she told him. i asked him to stop her next time and tell her to talk to me about any issue that involves me. i doubt she will ever do that because this seems to be the way she is and i have confronted her before, yet it still happens. it hurts that her and i can’t be open and honest, and it hurts to hear comments like that from other people! any suggestions?
susanlee

Jan 22 10, 2:46 pm UTC

202
Anna, I feel your pain. I had a difficult mother-in-law for over 20 years. I did come across one bit of advice that worked with her in one area. She was always telling me what to do, and how to do it. It drove me insane. The advice was – instead of arguing with her about how my way was right, and why I wasn’t going to do it her way – ask her for MORE advice. Ask for details of how it should be done, and why it should be done that way. She loved that, She would go on and on, of course, but that was better than arguing with her. And the more often I could remember to respond that way, the less confrontational she became.
Can’t say as I ever had any luck with the type of problem you have. The best I could muster in those situations was “don’t respond.”
Which was tough.
Anna
Jan 25 10, 8:22 am UTC

203
thank you!! “Don’t respond” is probably to absolute best thing to do, but yes… the hardest thing. And I am usually still stewing on the inside, playing conversations over and over in my head, but outwardly not responding. So, it’s tough. I do feel like I want to confront her, yet once again…although history shows that has not helped. I really need to let things go and become the person who realizes that what someone says that is hurtful towards me is usually not about me at all… soo not easy. Communication is a beast!!
Anita S
Jan 27 10, 4:24 pm UTC

204
Hey liked the artical, should have been called dealing with negative people instead. none the less was just what i needed.

One point i would like to make, and maybe someting you would like to think about as well. its not so simple to just cut the negative people out of your life. maybe the reason for them to be around you is because they are also trying to suround them selfs around positive and strong people just like you said. yes messery loves company, but that company you provide could be just what pulls them out of it. and it does not always mean that you will be drained of energy…. it means that you your self have to be able to retain the energy (and power if you will) for your self. And in doing so you are some times able to sometimes empower others but not of all your self…. not an easy thing to do but it is rewarding. how ever if your not up to it then dont. simple as that
yasameen
Feb 04 10, 3:53 am UTC

205
this is brilliant!!!i was lookin 4 a title for my speech. thank u SO much!!!
Annette
Feb 22 10, 1:21 pm UTC

206
This article was wonderful. It is something like I’ve read before, but it is all very true. I know if I’d just buckle down and apply it, it’d work wonders.
southern
Mar 03 10, 10:44 am UTC

207
I’ve just come across your site, I enjoy it as I like to “think simple now” :)

I’ve recently encountered difficult people, one of which was (what I thought of as) a dear friend who I depended on during my time of job layoff. After picking myself up and getting a new job by the grace of God, I was able to move on and am in a new and different place in my life.

Unfortunately, she took this as my “not needing her anymore” and personally attacked and turned on me.

I know that your advice is valid in most circumstances. I do feel though, that the fact your column has received over 200 comments since first being posted nearly 2 years ago shows us something: People want (and need) to feel heard.

With that said, I do feel that it is sometimes appropriate to respond to difficult people. Not react. RESPOND. Understand that everyone you meet in life is a teacher. Difficult people especially. And while yes, you may have to walk away… at one point, a pivotal one, I believe it is our Responsibility as mature and positive-minded people to talk back. Not irresponsibily, not in the manner in which we are attacked or negatively spoken to… but, as a person who understands and can say I’m sorry you feel this way. That was never my intent. And let them know the truth… if they have a problem, a mature conversation can usually solve it. Then… if they respond, great. If not, atleast you tried.

I feel that just as my friend wanted to be heard, I did too. I responded proactively and with kindness, and also let her know that she should consider her approach the next time, as mean and hurtful words would not work on me. Then I closed that chapter.

I think… with family members and people we thought were friends especially, it is our duty as good people to hold them accountable.

At that, I am able to move on. I cleared my conscience. Whether my friend accepts it, is up to her. But I feel good knowing that I tried.
M.Srikanth
Mar 06 10, 12:44 pm UTC

208
Great information, I have never ever seen the beautiful points to deal with difficult peoples.. Actually my main problem is i can’t speak straight forward with the negative peoples. I’m afraid very much..If speak straight forward to them do they harm me or do they get any problem to me. I will follow these points and lets see what changes it makes in me. Thank you in Advance and let you know with other comments..
Carla McCarthy
Mar 06 10, 4:30 pm UTC

209
I must tell the truth that this article is right about many things that is happening to me right now on youtube.com, a 9th grade boy in my school who likes me, etc. and i respond with negativity to all of them. They always respond back with or without negativity, and i hate it because then i can’t focus on my high school education because i’m still thinking about the next time i’m in a conflict when i can burn that person again. I have people who care about me who will help me whenever i’m about to/or already have a conflict that i can turn to all the time.
Leanne Ramnarine
Mar 11 10, 4:41 am UTC

210
Great article. I think it’s important to point out that negative individuals do not always appear negative. I know lots of people who appear happy, even very friendly on the outside. Some of these people in my life turn out to be consistenly nice & positive while some turn out to be the ones I choose to be around briefly because they believe that socializing means gossiping about others. It’s become a trend that I do not want to be a part of. I know how painful it can be to go through something traumatic and hear people laughing about it.
So, sometimes people are not always as they appear.
Lawrence
Mar 21 10, 1:06 pm UTC

211
i like to write out my thoughts on paper and study it. after that, i write about all the fun times i had in my life without that person. i laugh to myself and enjoy life to its fullest when i am away from the people i don’t really like. when life gives u enemies, try your best to avoid them.
Helalde
Mar 22 10, 9:29 pm UTC

212
I love this Article!!!

Nicely put.

Learning to use it.

Thanks
PO
Mar 23 10, 1:47 pm UTC

213
This is article was pretty good. The only thing I do not like about it is that this author mentions about being in the shoes of these nasty rude people. That, to me, is an excuse. There is no excuse to be hateful and nasty. I have met people who have come from less than ideal environments and were extremely courteous and kind.
Darren
Apr 01 10, 2:45 pm UTC

214
Yeah everyone has an opinion on this. Zach was right. Cant always be passive as people would see you as being a soft touch and might take advantage of you in the future. One could counter stratedy described by Berne in the book “games people play” is to NAME THE GAME. If someone is stuck in a cycle of behaviour, like they always pick on you for a certain thing… you are forgetful… you are always dropping things. Then naming the game takes the weapon right out of their hands. For example. Someone is constantly trying to make you look stupid, perhaps to make a girl stop liking you or something, which is the worst kind of humiliation. Get them on their own or even in public and literally say to their face, “i get that you are trying to make me look stupid but im not going to respond”, or “dave, you seem to be trying very hard to make me look stupid, is there a reason for that?”. Trust me they wont have a response and if they do they will only make themselves look bad. The only thing they can say back is either “sorry i didnt mean it” or “well you are an easy target, you are always doing stupid things” (or something that basically means the same thing). To the latter your answer could be, “well if you see my doing something stupid then maybe you could help me instead of trying to embarrass me in front of everyone”. Say it in a confident voice, don’t say it quietly, say it loud and proud. Trust me they will think twice before picking on you again.

They could also accuse you of having no sense of humour. To this I would just tell them that no one is laughing and that you dont find it funny… , or sarcastically say “oh sorry your right, that was absolutely hilarious, im laughing my tits off, you should be on stage” you will probably get a snigger from whoever heard this as they will probably be on your side anyway.

The most annoying people are the ones who are well practiced at put downs. Dont try to out jibe them because they will probably have quite a few comebacks up their sleeve for you and you will end up looking stupid. The above strategy is very effective, because once you have uncovered their habit and brought it right into consciousness then using it just wont feel clever for them any more. It doesnt just work for people getting on your back it works for pretty much anything. All you have to do is figure out what their pattern of behaviour is and tell them you are aware of it. They might deny it but next time they do it something will change, their behaviour will change and they will have to adapt to a new strategy to avoid the old one. Keep figuring it out and eventually you will have them acting in ways they have never acted before and they will totally lose confidence in what they are doing. Once they have lost confidence in themselves then you can start making friends and probing where this negative energy comes from (some insecurity)… once you find this then you have basically broken them and they will probably stop bothering you. If they turn on someone else, i.e. one of your friends then repeat procedure until they either totally change their ways or leave your social group altogether, at least while you are around. That’s the theory anyway try it and see what happens. Remember not to attack them. This will only give them ammo and good cause to attack you back…
Darren
Apr 01 10, 2:54 pm UTC

215
I should also say that this isn’t necessarily a negative response. You can honestly tell them that their behaviour is bothering you and they may feel guilty, apologise, stop doing it and you become friends. Sometimes people are just trying to have a joke in the only way they know how and actually might like you. So dont attack them right away. On the other hand some people are seriously malicious and take pride in their ability to hurt other people. Many of them are beyond hope of positive behaviour. These are the people who you should relentlessly hound until they stop what they are doing. Dont forget all the toughest people have soft spots. Most of the time they are attacking as a pre-emptive defence.

… and finally saying all that. Either do that or just ignore them its up to you. But sometimes ignoring them actually makes you a very attractive target as they set themselves the challence of trying to make you explode.
D-Anthony
Apr 03 10, 2:11 pm UTC

216
You know, the more I read this article, the more my JOB came to mind… the job itself isn’t the problem, it’s the co-workers. That’s not a good thing. I have played the “ignore them” card for a long time now, but it only seems to stir up the piranha tank even more.

I think I’m going to quit my job :D

Thank you so much for this article!
jess_sayin
Apr 13 10, 9:15 am UTC

217
I think a good thing to do with difficult people is to just point-blank ask them “What exactly do you want?” Doesn’t mean you are going to necessarily give them what they want. But usually they want something and this gives them a chance to talk. Then you can try to help them solve their problem. Notice I said “their” problem. Because it is their problem and you can only try to help them solve it.
Gabrielle
Apr 16 10, 6:29 pm UTC

218
Hi, I am new here. In fact, I stumbled upon the site because of a particular question I had Googled, which relates to this topic. Anyway, maybe someone can shed some light on my situation.

I recently text a friend who I have had a lot of difficult times with in the past… you cannot begin to imagine. Quite Frankly, I have walked the road with compassion with this person and have been constantly putting myself in their shoes and giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Honestly, I feel like a doormat as I feel taken for granted. With this person I had an open door policy; meaning they could always come to me when “they” had problem and they have taken that opportunity on numerous occasions, because the issues they wrestled with were so delicate and I really cared to help when they needed it. However, I would notice that when I would need a shoulder to lean on, “they” would not even make time for me, yet “they” would call and tell me their problems. If I decided one day that I would take some time out for myself or not disturb them, so as to make peace with them or give them their room and space, they would think that I was not caring enough. Just to mention, throughout this friendship I have always been the peace maker. Whether I was wrong or right, I would always initiate conversation and even apologize. But I found that I was doing this way too often and the other person would laugh and invalidate my feelings if circumstances were different; but being very caring and sensitive of others as I am, I would bounce back and we’d be back on track. This person has even said to me that I can never be a bad person and that the world needs people like me, but I feel used by this person, who often acts passive aggressively. And I am not saying these things to be mean. I do see potential and talent but “they” are for the most part quite negative and refuse to allow the people that really care to be of assistance.

Recently I called this person’s phone. The phone went into voice mail. I was simply calling to say that I I had arrived safely at a destination and got in return a very strange and what can be described as a “rough” reply. I was astonished and hurt because this is not how “they” are treated if I missed their call. Anyway, things went down hill from there and I swore not directly at the person but at the situation. Then in return I was cursed off in the worst way one can imagine. I asked them to clarify what they meant and gave them the benefit of the doubt and they never responded. I wrote an email to them again explaining which I know now I perhaps should not have written. But their words were so nasty– it really did disappoint me that they could so easily react this way. Especially when they have always said that they respected me.

When I went back out to work…the person acted as if nothing happened. There was no apology… there was no “hey you misunderstood my text… sorry I cursed you I was having a bad day…”–nothing. Instead they were saying hi and hello as if they hadn’t insulted me. I was angry because I knew to myself the kind of friend I had been to this person during testing and times in their life; and to be treated like this really did not feel good. So I ignored them because I was still upset. I didn’t want to be the woman who always was so forgiving and understanding to the point it hurt her own self.

At the end of the week I was fine… and I reiterated inwardly that life was too short and would much rather forgive than hold a grudge. So with a clearer head and a calmer spirit, I wrote how I felt and why I felt the way I did, and decided that if I saw the person I would speak to them normally. I didn’t expect them to speak back, and that’s exactly what happened. I was passed straight. I didn’t get angry though, in fact I surprised myself with a natural smile. I let them know that I did care for their well-being as a friend and that I just needed time to work out my anger. I also let them know that if they wanted we could speak about it when they were ready. I am quite sure that the email was received.

What does anyone think about the situation. I do not like having people upset with me, because I do not like to feel that I hurt someone– not because I am in some sort of denial, but I am too sensitive of other people’s feelings as well as their incorrect perceptions of me to the point I really don’t like anyone to get mad with me– because of me.

I look forward to some responses from anyone!

Regards,
Gabby
Rob
Apr 19 10, 2:34 am UTC

219
Thanks for great article, full of awesome strategies and insightful observations.
White
Apr 19 10, 11:37 am UTC

220
3 years dealing with a friend that is hard to deal with. No matter what I say or do I’m always wrong, what I think (opinion) is wrong, every time I open my mouth she has something to say. I confronted her on this and she says WELL I CALL IT A OPINION, omg lmao I can’t win. I give up! I’m going to stop contacting her and when she calls I’ll be distant. I don’t need this at 47 years old. I have my husband and thats the only friend I need and can trust.
Mary
Apr 20 10, 5:21 pm UTC

221
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am going into a conflict situation tomorrow A.M. with parents of a student of mine. I don’t like conflict. I get nervous. It is the second time in 11 years of teaching – . . . It is time for me to learn another lesson . . . help! Even though I know I could have handled the situation in a better way – it was one of those days you wish you could just cross off the calendar or have a “do over” . . . I told the students that . . . I apologized . . . teaching in hard . . . I have heard these parents are really ” difficult people” . . .
be the observer . . . be the observer . . . be the observer . . . .
Margaret Mithouse

Apr 22 10, 7:44 am UTC

222
I read about 50 of the above comments about difficult people at work, and though some of them sounded humorous, I’m sure these situations are not considered funny by the people in them. Dan O’Connor, The Energy Vampire Slayer has just published a free course–including book, workbook, flash-cards and more entitled Energy Vampire Slayer: 101. In this course he deals with Gossips, Blamers, Snipers, Cry-Babies, Bullies and several other toxic types that plague offices. He scripts how to deal with them–as well as how to prepare yourself to be the person who CAN deal with them. All free–all information that can be duplicated, passed around, and used to defeat negativity wherever it’s found. http://www.powerdiversity.com and click “FREE BOOK” Anyone who has left a comment on this blog will find this course useful and effective. I know I did.
Margaret Mithouse
coleville
May 03 10, 8:22 pm UTC

223
Loved this article. It really helped me put some of the difficult people in my life into perspective. Not rocket science here, but I needed to be reminded of it.

Thanks!
Jia

May 14 10, 6:41 am UTC

224
This post is awesome. Thank you so much, I learnt alot and I ll bookmark (print) this page. Great, thanks again :)
Endurance

May 15 10, 4:00 am UTC

225
I appreciate the heart of this article to give 15 options to choose from-some in a more timely fashion than when being put on the spot. I recently tried to befriend a family member after having work through years of abuse mentally, emotionally, sexually, drug addiction from my parents. I understand this family member is in denial of such ordeals in the family and having shared where I was in the process of healing I was disappointed with the response of anger and blinding accusations. I highly believe in the 12 step from the recovery programs- as well as a firm faith-always a work in progress my faith, I always have a fear of coming across goody-goody or pollyann-ish-for the world is a reality we all live-in and not avoid or devoid(hence, remain stuck in a rut!). It’s humiliating and embarrassing going through this ordeal to know your parent was convicted as a Sexual Deviant II and facing the past as it all comes back to you. The emotional upheaval and mistrust came to my becoming overwhelmed and unable to function. I needed to place myself around “safe” people. I feel God has really carried me throughout these years of trying to find a new form of functioning. It’s been almost four years now and having to grieve and work through the many years of loss has seem all the worth while to let go of the family members who did not join in a positive state of healing. The feelings that were once so raw are now a sense of victory of overcoming without loss of self. I managed to walk away feeling at peace b/c I felt I did the best I could to re-connect with this family member and unfortunately the same intensity of anger and accusations flew with this person leaving in the same state without allowing another word to be said. This person came to “clear the air” in the understanding to meet with forgiveness and grace/mercy-and instead anger still spat deeply entrenched. I can only surrender and pray God can soften this angry person.

I work daily with about 40 women of varied backgrounds and I find myself guarding my heart and letting wisdom prevail when gossip train comes around or the complaining train comes around. A little yeast can spread and have an affect on the way things rise-I struggle with finding myself participating and trying to back peddle to reset the train track towards a more positive outcome.

I too googled this article and it’s great to know how many kindred spirits are out there trying to battle good and evil with more positive rather than the evil.
Belen
May 17 10, 8:31 pm UTC

226
Hi there.

I have this problem with a group of difficult people at school.
I hardly now them, but I had never talked to them in any way. I don’t know why they speak with sarcasm to me, since I hadn’t done anything to them, but is obvious that they are enjoying the whole situation.

I don’t take it so personal, but it does affect me since the jokes are directed to me and to my looks; thus, I don’t respond to their jokes at all, and continue with my life.

Is a surprise to me that they still have something to say when I thought that the subject was over after a long time.

Should I make an effort to stop all this? And how? I barely have the courage.

By the way, great article :D
have a nice day!
measlebeast
Jun 07 10, 10:39 am UTC

227
thanks! that’s all great advice as well as the stuff in the comments too. keep up the good work :-)
Moi
Jun 11 10, 1:14 pm UTC

228
I’ve noticed that insecurity seems to be at the core of difficult people. Why would someone who feels good about himself/herself want to hurt other people? Misery loves company.

My advice is react/don’t react to each situation on an individual basis. In some cases, just ignore the difficult person or laugh at what he/she said yet if that person tries to escalate the conflict by hitting you/kicking you/spitting on you, etc. (being physically abusive) get the police involved.
Michele
Jun 12 10, 6:07 am UTC

229
Thank you! I work with a very difficult woman, who seemed to like me at first, then started being very mean to me. I was searching for help when I found your article.

I CHOOSE PEACE!

Thanks again,

Michele
RP
Jun 12 10, 11:25 pm UTC

230
Thanks Tina.I am having difficult time with one of my colleague lately. Was just browsing to see if I could find some guidance from net when I came across your blog. Then points makes a lot of sense. I ll try to implement the same. Hoping the situation will improve :),
rahul jawalekar
Jun 14 10, 11:08 pm UTC

231
but i really dont understand that if i am getting headache of accepting something wrong i never did then why shouldnt i replied that i have done nothing wrong
The Truth.
Jun 17 10, 12:57 am UTC

232
Well, I must say: This was an interesting article. It does, however, contain a certain number of misconceptions that I would like to address.

A) You are assuming that the people you are confronting are actually justified in their cause. Quite often people are rude only for the sake of being rude, and no other “hidden reason”.

B) Being PASSIVE just leads to more pain. If you don’t stand up and show that you will not tolerate their actions, it just shows the person that they can walk all over you.

C) As you stated before: we all have a choice. This means that regardless of their situation and all the sh*t that has happened to them, they still CHOOSE to be rude/negative. This again points to the fact that there is no “hidden reason” that justifies their actions.

D) It does not help to justify their WRONGFUL actions by “putting yourself in their shoes”. No matter what has happened to them that may draw your sympathy, what they are doing is still WRONG.

E) Standing up for yourself helps build your self-worth. Passive people tend to “turn the other cheek” because they feel that they deserve it, or that the other person is justified in their cause. In most cases, this is NOT true. Even if it where true, what they are doing is WRONG and should not be justified.

In most cases of domestic abuse the person being abused does not get help because they are PASSIVE and “turn the other cheek”. They often begin to justify what the other person is doing, by saying: “There must be a reason why they do it” or “I must deserve it since they are doing it”. NO! NO! NO! What they are doing is **WRONG** regardless of their justifications.

If you, rather then being passive, stand up for yourself you will build your confidence in yourself. In turn you feel better about yourself, and will show other people that you will not tolerate being talked down, belittled, or abused.

In conclusion: Being PASSIVE is rarely the solution that will better the situation. It does have its uses, but they are not as broad as you try to portray them as.

Being PASSIVE is the reason why abuse happens. Being PASSIVE is the reason why criminals don’t get just punishments. Being PASSIVE is why assholes exist in the world today.
Shayla
Jun 17 10, 9:51 am UTC

233
Wow. This artical was awesome and really helped me put things into perspective. I will be sharing this with friends and even my children.

THANKS :)
Ken
Jun 18 10, 6:54 am UTC

234
I am dealing with a difficult tortutorous wife heading for divorce. This is a very helpful website. Its hard when the black clouds are moving in.
Divorce with two kids is especially hard when you have an 8 and 10 year old. I still can’t understand whyshes so crazy and mad. Im trying, trying, its difficult.
j.d.
Jun 24 10, 2:20 pm UTC

235
Thank you. Had particularly difficult teaching day and was feeling lost. Reading this has re-focused me and made me feel better.
Menna
Jun 30 10, 1:40 pm UTC

236
Hey there tina,
I came across your blog by coincidence while surfing the net and i was really inspired by your articles
keep it up :D
Bon
Jul 02 10, 10:03 am UTC

237
I really liked this article. I’m having a difficult time with someone in my life and I agree 100% with all of the things that you just said. I’ve been focusing too much energy on the situation when it really shouldn’t be affecting me.
I do not agree with the comment posted by “The Truth”. I don’t think that Tina was saying to necessarily be passive. I just think she’s saying by fighting back, it usually makes the situation worse. Just walk away. Or react calmly and rationally. I’ve noticed that if I get caught in a heated argument with someone, to lower my tone of voice the louder they get. The more heated they get, the less heated I get. You can still make your point. But later, when they look back, they may see that they were the one acting irrationally.
Roopa
Jul 05 10, 10:36 pm UTC

238
what i do when i come across a negative person…
1. Forgive
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?”
4. Don’t Respond
5. Stop Talking About It
6. Be In Their Shoes
7. Look for the Lessons
12. Avoid Heated Discussion

i can’t choose to eliminate the person from my life… but i really feel bad that i have to go through it again and again. i can’t speak anything… always, she gets to speak. always, i have to listen.
Roopa
Jul 05 10, 10:39 pm UTC

239
all the above points are very easy to say, but very difficult to practice. at the end of the day, even we are human beings, even we feel like speaking and venting out the anger/ bad feeling, but we can’t speak. y should we always listen? y can’t the other person be or atleast try to be as calm as i’m thinking. don’t i have a chance to shout and expect that the other person listen to me?
prem boyapati

Jul 06 10, 10:10 pm UTC

240
Excellent article. I loved it. This article is helpeful to everyone in this world.
vamshi singam
Jul 08 10, 5:22 am UTC

241
Good One……
Rackmaster
Jul 08 10, 6:43 am UTC

242
These all avoid the issue. They may help you deal with your anger or frustration, but they don’t help you deal with the difficult person. Difficult people will exploit your avoidance.
evan schulte

Jul 09 10, 7:20 am UTC

243
When People are like that I tend to just try and avoid them. I am no good when it comes to confrontation. I also think to myself they must have some kind of anger to think they need to act that way, and it’s best not to egg them on.
Mary Pehoski
Jul 15 10, 2:39 pm UTC

244
Hello TSN,

This is the first time I’ve visited your website and got the best advice ever from you about the topic “Dealing with Difficult People”. I’ve read various articles on the subject but yours is the best so far – it’s actually doable. I’ve spent too much time dwelling on the negative, grumpy, controlling co-worker and how I’ve been affected emotionally. I hope I can start applying what you’ve stated and look forward to the results.

I am happy I discovered your site and will check back often.

Mary
Donna
Jul 20 10, 11:08 pm UTC

245
Don’t give them the satisfaction of an argument. Difficult people will prod and prode you until you react to them. Ignore them or laugh at them. Nothing will irritate a difficult person more than that! It’s just not worth the stress!
Darrell
Jul 27 10, 6:40 am UTC

246
Hello I would like to say this is a very good article. Even as a christian I battle from time to time with difficult people. I often wonder did I deal with that in the right manner. We need people who will help keep us on track in this walk of life and this article should be shared with many. Keep up the good work and may God bless.
Enlightened
Jul 27 10, 1:51 pm UTC

247
@Chris P
Thankyou so much for your amazingly effective post.

I came here looking for advice to deal with bullies and snipers, who were ruining my life. As I read the comments I began to understand the idea of forgiveness, though for many of the examples I suffered in the past, I found it difficult to get an effect from when I have tried.
I understood reasons why they may be bullies, I considered if i had offended them, and tried to complement or reassure them when It was clear their bullying was based on insecurity not nastiness, but I failed and realised that by being passive, they get to continue bullying me.
So I havent figured it all out yet but there are people out there this advice just will not work on.

Ive now formed a habit of supressing my anger and believing the worst in people which I know must affect my life somewhat. One mean comment from someone in a new job and I start to worry that it will happen all over again and i will have to keep leaving yet another job I otherwise really like.
Perhaps my negativity is so habitual now I dont even notice it, though I dont think I insult people or hurt them, maybe they think I mean to.

Chris, I dont believe you are a bully or a ‘bad person’. You are not the people I have been battling, but while I have been relating to all those suffering from difficult people, yours is the post I relate to the most and was meant to find; That or you have a genius way of presenting a point. Either way the forgiveness idea really hit home and I am grateful for enough humility to see about fixing myself before I start trying to deal with other people.

So I have also ended up alone, somewhat bitter about it and realised that I too am a difficult person. One time I was suffering so much I became totally unlike-able, noone knew or believed I was being bullied, It was like I was screaming out for help so loudly it must have scared people, it seemed like noone could hear me.

I wish someone had tried the advice in this blog on me, I feel sure It would have had a positive effect. Most especially if some kind person had even said, ‘I cant tell if you are [insert your own], or you are just an unhappy person’, it would have opened up my eyes to how I appeared and still kept the possibility of someone maybe considering I was not a monster which would have lifted me up to a place where i could start to fix it.

I know that whatever choice I make for my life, while Id love to be able to ‘kick someones arse’ and stick up for myself, it just isnt me, I want to find the answer through love and forgiveness.

So now I think this blog’s attitude is ideal, at least in the cases where the difficult person is not intentionally difficult. It could bring some poor soul like me or Chris back from the brink.
- Those of you who think this advice wont work on your bullies, consider would it work on you? Perhaps we can try this method first to help each other not go down the path of becoming someone else’s nightmare, then maybe there will be more people to back us up when we have to stand up to the really really difficult ones.

I hope you all find peace. x
Ginia
Aug 02 10, 12:47 am UTC

248
I was having a hard time dealing with someone not just because SHE is difficult, but because I’m difficult too. Two stubborn people don’t go well together, so I googled, “How to deal with difficult people” and this article came up… SO glad I read it. It’s not easy to go with the advice given but it makes a lot of sense. Thanks for writing it.
anneh
Aug 08 10, 12:55 pm UTC

249
I think that all of the article’s points are excellent and would be wonderful suggestions to persons involved in immediate situations of interpersonal conflict. The focus of the article is to help readers think proactively and avoid the needless inner turmoil that comes with no-win conflicts. Because of this focus, I think that the article does omit the fact that it is also natural and to some degree necessary to humans to engage in some conflicts, even if those conflicts sometimes do create stress.

The process of defending one’s position and expressing one’s ideas and even frustrations to others is one of the ways that people learn and grow, even in adulthood. Considering, studying, and discussing problems, though it is sometimes unpleasant, is often the process by which issues of fairness and effectiveness are brought to light even in small social units like communities, workplaces, and families.

People should by no means be encouraged to hold grudges or engage in other unhealthy reactions, but they shouldn’t be encouraged to completely disregard the urge to defend themselves, either. If we all simply stopped thinking about conflicts or avoided people or situations with whom we had experienced conflict, we might end up blissfully ignoring individual problems which, when put together, form a bigger picture of institutional or social injustice. Maybe a conflict with a colleague is just a clash of personalities–or maybe that colleague has created conflicts with other employees in a pattern that reveals harassment or bias. If everyone chooses to ignore the problem for their own ease, they may be allowing themselves and others to be compromised further by this abusive behavior.

So, while all of these recommendations are excellent, I think it’s important not to forget that some conflicts do deserve our attention–though, we should certainly pick these battles carefully and focus our efforts proactively.
Stephan
Aug 12 10, 4:03 am UTC

250
Hi Everyone,

I don’t know if you still answer comments to this article but I would be grateful :)
Anyway first of all the article was great. My personal situation is that I have someone in my life who is very manipulative and it is hard to eliminate him from my life. He talks bad about everyone and I’m kind of afraid that I adopt his opinions. You know my mind is kinda afraid that I get as negative as him.
Additionally he talks bad about me of course. I’m more succeessful and he wants to sabotage my success by telling me I should stop being so productive all the time.

Ok, and so my problem is that I kinda have his opinions in my mind even if he’s not there. Should I just observe it as you advised? And watch everything what’s going on inside me being it his thoughts and my emontions?

Thank you so much!
Love, Stephan
sagar
Aug 12 10, 9:42 am UTC

251
thank you
it is really helped me
i will foreword it to my friends.
Tina Su

Aug 12 10, 10:38 am UTC

252
Hi Stephan,

Ok, and so my problem is that I kinda have his opinions in my mind even if he’s not there. Should I just observe it as you advised? And watch everything what’s going on inside me being it his thoughts and my emontions?

Yes, observe your mind. Spend a few minutes everyday with your eyes closed and focus on just your breathes (if a thought comes, let it go), this will help to clear your mind. This will also help you to be more focused and aware when observing your own thoughts and emotions.

The only control we have in these situation is our own minds, our thoughts and our words. Everything else is beyond our control. So choose your words, your thoughts carefully. Choose words that make you feel good. Choosing to not focus on the negative is not ignorant, it’s smart and responsible, because you are taking control and making choices to further your own wellbeing.

If you find yourself focusing on this person again, make a conscious decision to focus on something else, something that makes you feel good. For me personally, when I find myself focusing on something negative, I tell myself “I am safe, everything is fine” and then I focus on my baby (and instantly realize that life is so good, it’s just a matter of what we place our focuses on).

Hope that’s helpful to you. :)

Warmly,
Tina
jake
Aug 17 10, 8:16 am UTC

253
bottom line is americans are way too high strung, particularly the city folks. learn how to chill and stop spending all your money on fast food and cigarettes.
Career Outlook

Aug 18 10, 12:50 am UTC

254
Excellent post, I have read something worthwhile on “dealing with people” after a long time.
ronnie
Aug 19 10, 7:51 pm UTC

255
oh how i needed to hear this about dealing with people, it makes me feel so much happier, but i think my situation is a little bit more hectic…..dealing with a phyco over the phone more like it, :(
Joey
Aug 23 10, 4:39 am UTC

256
Thank you. This article was very helpful and has given me some great coping methods for dealing with difficult people.
Ann
Aug 23 10, 2:40 pm UTC

257
Very insightful article with some great tips on coping with difficult people! I work in HR and many times throughout the day I run into conflicting views. I make an effort to consistently display poise and grace when it comes to dealing with conflict. However, I inevitably carry some of those thoughts and feelings home with me after work. I do make an effort to look for the hidden lessons and ways to improvement MY future performance when caught in such situations.

Also, realizing that it is THEIR problem and not allowing them to make it mine is definitely key! I find that focusing on remaining objective in my approach is vital. Avoid blaming, and directing negativity as that will only fuel the fire. No matter how difficult it is always best to take the high road.
Carmen
Aug 25 10, 5:07 am UTC

258
Thanks for posting. I had to Google “dealing with difficult people” after I received the most negative and hurtful message yesterday from my own sister. This morning I woke up thinking I would message her back but I saw my email was turning into the same thing she wrote to me so I stopped and thought a second about what to do. (that’s when I Googled) This post helped me think about the truth of the ego and realize you just cannot argue with someone that feels so much anger and hate.
Geraldo
Aug 30 10, 6:16 am UTC

259
Many thanks for everyones opinions, I am very happy with the blog that brings helpful contribuition for human kind.

In fact people are really difficult to deal with, mainly if we are center of converging many thoughts.

I am working with a lady who only knows what was thought for professional career, about something else completely zero, she seems like living four walls and no elsewhere. If I start talking about the things related with the world she becomes completely a receiver and never has issued any single word to show an agreement or refusal. we are always in disparity in terms of ideas.

How to overcome this problem

Geraldo
Lynn
Aug 31 10, 7:51 pm UTC

260
Good post. I was having a bad day, having found out some nasty things some people had said about me (on the internet no less). Your article helped me keep things in perspective and realize that it really has to do with their own unhappiness.

Congrats on quitting your old job to pursue your passions. You’ve inspired me!

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