How to End a Relationship

105 Comments

Breaking up with someone you love can be one of the toughest emotional struggles you’ll go through. How have you handled breakups in the past? What can you do to minimize pain for the other person and yourself?

I’ve been on quite an emotional ride recently. What has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind involves a slice from my personal life. Without going into details, Adam, my partner for the past year, and I have decided to part ways. We will remain good friends.

The past three weeks have been a tremendously painful period, feelings of empathy mixed with remorse and guilt. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day.

When I first wrote about the art of keeping a relationship, my friend Pete Forde suggested that perhaps people could also benefit from an article on how to end a relationship. I noted his brilliant suggestion without further thought. Little did I know, this would become the center of my experience a month later.

This being a sensitive topic, I had a tough time finding genuine and in-depth resources online. My goal here is to capture the understanding and wisdom I’ve gained from going through this event, and to perhaps be of help or a point of clarity for your life story.

Feel free to add points that I’ve missed in the comment section. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

The Realizations

As painful as a relationship can be as it’s ending, the experience can be a source of profound learning and personal growth. I’ve learned as the years goes by, just when you are getting comfortable, life will throw something at you which challenges that comfort. Don’t big life shifts always appear this way?

Instead of looking at these challenges with frustration, treat them as an opportunity for change in the life direction you were meant to lead and benefit from. The following are some realizations I’ve learned with regards to relationships and the ending of them.

The Failure Misconception - Socially, we tend to correlate the ending of a relationship with failure. We even articulate it as such; we say, “I’ve failed in this relationship”. By framing as such, we leave a negative impression in our minds and an association with relationships in general. The ending of a relationship is not a failure, but rather the ending of a life situation in our story. We were meant to experience the relationship for its joyful moments and we were meant to learn from its challenges. New life and death are all around us. Every inhale we take is a birth and each exhale is the death of that breath; and life continues.
Being Honest to Your Needs - It’s important to clearly understand our needs in a relationship and qualities in a mate. Be absolutely honest with yourself and don’t compromising the qualities that are essential to you. What typically happens when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed. Truth is, we can’t make people change we can only change ourselves. Small things will magnify with time. Be conscious of these small things and be honest with yourself. Understand your needs and be true to yourself. We only have a set amount of time in this life, make it matter.
Fear and Guilt - We stay in relationships that we know aren’t necessarily right for us because we are afraid. We fear loneliness, we fear hurting our partner, and we fear having to deal with uncomfortable situations. The guilt comes in when we recognize that we are not being honest with ourselves and thus being unfair to our partners.
‘Borrowed’ Desires - Sometimes in the presence of someone who is completely focused in getting what they want (ie. Your love), it influences your desires when in their presence. You pick up their strong vibe and their desire transfers to you. In a relationship, if one partner feels significantly stronger than the other, sometimes this strong desire rubs off on the other person. In the presence of the more interested partner, the less interested partner will feel that “This is the right thing for me. This feels right.” When separated from the partner with the strong desire, the less interested partner will feel less intense or indifferent about the relationship.
Love and Romance Can Be Mutually Exclusive - Sometimes when we have strong connections with people, we instantly relate it to a romantic relationship, and end up jumping into one with them. You can love people without being in a romantic relationship. I think we are socially conditioned to believe that love for someone equals romance. Truth is, the love we feel for others comes from a beautiful place within ourselves, that infinite feeling of love is an expression of our true nature, it has nothing to do with other people. Instead of jumping into romance, we can cultivate a harmonious friendship with that person.
Social Pressure - I felt the social pressure when considering my options. But at the end of the day, that pressure comes from my ego out of fear that I would look bad. I have a public image and on some level, I was afraid what people might think of me afterwards. That can turn into negative self talk. Here is an example of such a thought, “What would my friends think? What would my readers think? I am a horrible person.” I got out of this state by gaining clarity and recognizing that I needed to be honest with myself.
Loss of Friendship - Traditionally, when relationships end, we tend to cut everything off. It’s silly to conclude that after sharing months and years with someone, that if one component of the relationship changes, all else must be cut off. Why can’t we continue the other components of the relationship after our hearts are healed? Friendship does not have to be lost.
Fantasy Fueled By Desire - We let our minds get caught up in an idea, a vision of how something should be, and we end up living in that fantasy instead of reality. We repeatedly play the same videos in our mind, and believe that we will be happy when our life situation matches that of the mental videos. The same applies to our idea of relationships. It is easy to let our desires get in the way of reality, and we end up living in a fantasy world within our current relationship… until one day, we wake up from that fantasy.

How to Break Up with Someone

Photo via Erik Clausen

Once you’ve decided that parting ways is the best solution, doing the actual break up can be pretty nerve racking, since people’s hearts are on the line. Here is a series of steps to help you through it and suggestions of ways to reduce pain caused to the other person.

1. Clarity - Make sure you understand why you are doing it. Sometimes the surface reason isn’t the real reason. Dig deep within yourself to find the real reason. Being surrounded by the situation can cloud your judgment. Separate yourself from the situation and spend some alone time. This will help you gain the clarity you need. I’ve found journaling to be an effective tool.

2. Self Honesty - Make the commitment to be honest with yourself and the other person. The truth will set you free. Be committed to that.

3. Setup Meeting Time - Setup mutual time to talk to your partner as soon as possible. Some people are opposed to phone breakups. I think that face-to-face is always best, but if distance separates you, it’s best to do so as soon as possible rather than waiting.

4. State of Compassion - Before your meeting, get into a state of compassion for the other person. In a state of compassion, you will exude love and understanding, which you’ll need to help the other person heal. Some suggestions to help you get into a compassionate state:

Deep Breathing - Stand up straight, close your eyes, and place your hand on your heart. Take deep, long inhales and exhales. You can count the inhale/exhale length. After inhaling, hold your breath for a 5 count before exhaling slowly. Repeat at least 15 times.
Gratitude - Sit somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, and picture everything you are grateful for. One by one, images of people, situations, places, and things appear in your imagination. Alternatively, try writing this down instead of visualizing.
Focus on Love - Close your eyes. Optionally, put on some slow music which you enjoy. In your imagination, go back to all the times when you felt loved and when you felt love for others. Imagine times where you truly felt happy and free. Imagine yourself as a little kid, experiencing joy and freedom. Do this exercise for at least 5-10 minutes.

5. The Meeting - During the meeting, focus on communicating your reasons clearly and respectfully for the sake of the other person. Here are some additional pointers for when explaining yourself during the meeting:

When explaining, focus on how things made you feel, this way your partner doesn’t get defensive. Make it clear that the situation is not their fault, since blaming doesn’t add value in helping the situation.
Talk about things you’ve learned from the relationship and what you are grateful for.
Be Genuine in everything that you say. If you don’t mean something, don’t say it. People can detect when you are not being authentic.

6. Be There - Your partner will get emotional and possibly very upset. They will bounce between different emotional states. Your job is to be there for them. Become the observer of the situation. Stay conscious, calm and alert.

7. Don’t take anything personally - When we are emotional and feeling hurt, we can easily become irrational and say things we don’t mean. Don’t be surprised if your partner acts like a small child and says unreasonable or mean things to you. They don’t mean it. They are simply hurt and need attention from you. Don’t take anything personally. Become the observer so you don’t get attached to what’s being said and react defensively.

8. Love Them - Love them regardless of the situation. They are human and have feelings. Remember you can love people without needing to be in a romantic relationship with them. Be there for them in that state of love and compassion, regardless of how they react. This will help you find your center, while remaining calm to best help the other person deal with the situation.

9. Fully Express Emotions - If you feel like crying, do it, and do it fully. This will release the emotional clutter in your inner space.

10. Multiple Meetings - it really takes several days before news can sink in. Don’t expect to meet once and be done with it. It is your responsibility to be there for that person, at least initially during a breakup situation.

11. Be Available - Do whatever is necessary to help them heal without compromising your values. Be available for them when they need you.

12. Space - Give them space. They will be hurt no matter what, so even if they appear fine on the outside, they are hurting. What they need now is time. Check up on them a few times in the beginning to make sure they are okay and to let them know that they matter. Remind them that you are here if they need your help to heal.

13. Relinquish Guilt - You may experience guilt, since you are the one initiating the breakup. You see that you’ve caused pain and this may affect your state of being. The following are some ideas that help to let go of this feeling:

Meditation
Deep Breathing
Alone Time
Exercise to Release Energy

How to Cope with Your Partner Leaving

I’ve had my share of heart breaks and understand what it feels like to be on the receiving end. It hurts, it really hurts. You feel like it’s the end of the world, and you wonder how you can possibly get over it. You will feel pain and despair, but I promise you, you will get over it. Time is the magic ingredient.

Photo via Aurora

I will have an in depth article on this topic soon. For now, here are some pointers for those on the receiving end of breakups. These have been helpful for me in the past.

Talk With Friends - In verbalizing your thoughts and options, you’ll gain better understanding and perspective.
Surround Yourself with Positive Energy - Be surrounded by friends and family. Be around happy and optimistic people. Be around people you like. Be around people who can make you laugh.
Love Yourself - Spend time inwards with loving yourself. Doing things to appreciate and love yourself will help you gain the self confidence and independence you need to heal. When was the last time you really appreciated yourself?
It’s Okay to Cry - In fact, I recommend it. Express the pain and let it all out. Don’t hold anything back, cry fully. Letting it out will be liberating for your being. It’s okay to cry.
Find the Lesson - What did you learn through this relationship? I’m a big believer that good can come out of every situation, even ones we’ve perceived as bad. Focus on what you’ve gained in life lessons that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
Fully Experiencing the Pain - When pain strikes, our instinct is to avoid it. We distract ourselves with other tasks while suppressing the pain. This doesn’t actually make the pain go away. “What we resist, persists.” The best way to deal with the pain is by fully facing it. Closing your eyes, fully experience that feeling of sharp pain within your being, and become the observer of that pain within you. Separate the observer from the pain.
Gratitude Visualization - Put your hands on your heart and gently shut your eyes. Visualize all the things, experiences, and people that you are thankful for. If you are visualizing a person, see their face smiling at you with joy and kindness. Give thanks for all the things we take for granted, parts of our body, the things we enjoy about our jobs, people who love us. Give thanks to your heart, which works continuously, without which we wouldn’t be here. Give thanks to our safe homes, the abundance of food, and clothing to keep us warm. Give thanks to people who have been kind to us. Give thanks to authors who have inspired us. Gratitude puts you in a state of love, acceptance and understanding.
Benefits to Me? - Focus on how this new situation can help you. Maybe you will now have the free time to pursue something that’s important to you. Maybe you can gain the independence and freedom you’ve wanted to experience for yourself.
Time Heals - After the initial shock has sunk in and you’ve had plenty of communication with your ex, take time to be separated from your ex partner. It’s hard to gain clarity, perspectives and independence while being reminded of them constantly. I recommend taking a few weeks to be apart: no meeting, no emails, no phone calls. With time, you will heal.
Silence Heals - Sit silently and observe your emotions and thoughts. Have a journal and pen at your side. When you have a realization, write it down in your journal. Use journaling as a tool to help you sort out your thoughts. It has the power to help you gain clarity.

How have you handled breakups in the past? How would you do it differently if given the chance?

Got tips for coping with breakups from the receiving end?
Share your voice in the comments below. Let’s make this a collective learning experience. Thank you for sharing this moment with me.

If you enjoyed this article, please vote for it on Digg, share it on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. I appreciate your support. :)

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

External Resources:

Book: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Book: The Power of Now
Book: Emotional Intelligence
Audio: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: Understand the Conflicts

105 Responses (100 Comments, 5 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Tom Stine | Spiritual Life Coach

Aug 13 08, 4:46 pm PDT

1
Brilliant article, Tina. You pretty much outlined a resource for anyone who is going through the difficulty of needing to end a relationship.

I’m really glad you highlighted at the outset the biggest misconception almost everyone has about breaking-up: that it was a failure. Clearly, as you pointed out, a break-up is not a failure. It is merely life moving forward, life moving in new ways, changes being made. Not a failure. Still painful and definitely an ending.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience that everyone else may benefit. :-)
Vered

Aug 13 08, 4:50 pm PDT

2
Thank you. Personal, brave posts like this make blogging an amazing medium.
Tom
Aug 13 08, 4:56 pm PDT

3
hi, great post. a very touchie and fragile subject. even reading it stimulates previous memorys.

wish i had read it back at those times :)

thx,
Tom
John

Aug 13 08, 4:57 pm PDT

4
Wow, what a wonderful article. One of the best you’ve shared, Tina. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such deep water, but I’m joyful that you are choosing love and grace and wisdom to grow through it.
Shilpan | successsoul.com

Aug 13 08, 5:12 pm PDT

5
Tina - I admire you for the journey that you have embarked upon as a caring, loving human being. You have a beautiful soul. Let it be soaked in the rain of tears. A new dawn is spreading its arms around you.
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Aug 13 08, 5:19 pm PDT

6
Hi Tina, I understand what you mean. My ex and I held on for quite some time before we finally broke up… even though both of us knew the relationship was going nowhere and doing us more harm than good.

I guess the most important thing about a break-up is gaining closure. I never really did get the closure I was looking for until quite recently and the painful lesson I learned finally was similar to what you said…

We need to love ourselves first before we can love and allow others to love us…

Shun Jian
http://RichGrad.com
Personal Development for the Book Smart
Nathalie Lussier

Aug 13 08, 5:21 pm PDT

7
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with the world, to help others on their own journey. And don’t worry, we all love you no matter what your relationship status.

Love,
Nathalie
John Rocheleau

Aug 13 08, 5:33 pm PDT

8
Tina,

My best wishes and empathy go out to you and Adam. These are important decisions that will alter your lives. When things are “in a groove” we often miss that a relationship is not right. We find out when the comfort zone erodes and stress kicks in. Perhaps your trip to India was that catalyst.

I feel with everything you have said here, but one sentence especially felt significant to me.

“when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we think that they can be changed. Truth is, we can’t make people change”

So true; we cannot change people, nor do we have the right to try to change them. When we love truly, we try to bring who they really are out into the open. If who that person is, does not engage who you are, then there is trouble.

In my own relationship, I have always been able to identify the core of good in my Wife. Everyone has one, and they are all different. I could always see this pure and wise side of her. At the same time, I have always seen and felt aspects of her that I didn’t like; that I could not enjoy or support. So our relationship has been one of trying to grow enough each day to be able to support the best and reject the rest in each other.

Fortunately for us, our individual bests are synergistic together. The rest of it — we work with and grow through. Have been for 33 years now. Tomorrow is another day of course :-)

Best,
John
Andrea Hess|Soul Realignment

Aug 13 08, 5:37 pm PDT

9
Great article as always, Tina! Timely, too - I just ended my relationship a few weeks ago and it is very, very tough. I’m not sure I was as gracious as you describe in your article. However, I made sure to give the other person plenty of opportunity for closure.

I’m a big believer in consciously creating a break-up, and I certainly did invest a great deal of thought in the situation. In the end, I believe this is a beginning as much as an end - and more expansion to come!

Blessings,
Andrea
Lewis

Aug 13 08, 5:38 pm PDT

10
Thanks for the post Tina, this is usually one of the hardest times for an individual, and people will benefit from your ideas

Lewis
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife

Aug 13 08, 5:46 pm PDT

11
What an incredible resource! I could have used this help many times in the past. Now, I’m happily married, but I think some of these same principles can carry over into other non-romantic relationships as well. I’ve left a couple of business relationships that felt like I was getting a divorce. I’m sure this guidance would have helped in those situations as well.
Al at 7P

Aug 13 08, 5:58 pm PDT

12
Hi Tina - thanks for sharing this post with us, and best of luck with you both.

I very much agree with your point about the failure misconception. There is so much personal growth that can come out of the experience, either revealing what we need in a relationship, or reaffirming the needs that we already knew but did not get. Sometimes things have to get a little worse before things get better, but ultimately you’ll be happier in the end.
Pete Forde

Aug 13 08, 6:02 pm PDT

13
Brilliant article, Tina… possibly your best in a string of great work.

I think that if people saw the end of a relationship as a success rather than a failure, the world would be a happier place.

Sometimes relationships are best ended on a high note.
Jayme

Aug 13 08, 6:31 pm PDT

14
I admire your courage and your peaceful approach to this situation is inspiring.

I think one of the difficult things about break ups is when we tend to feel inadequacy and/or self - pity. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” and “What did I do to deserve this?” can take over our minds and add to our pain.

But we should remember that our self - esteem is not dependent on a relationship or on another person but on how we value ourselves.

And instead of asking “What did I to deserve this?” ask yourself, “What did I do to bring about this situation?” not to throw blame but to take responsibility. Because when we take responsibility for the things that happen to us, it becomes much easier to learn the lesson and to change for the better.

Sending good wishes your way Tina and I hope things will turn out for the better for both of you.
Daniel Richard

Aug 13 08, 6:42 pm PDT

15
That’s a brave move for sharing this with all of us Tina. You are surely one strong person. Go on ahead and pursue more great things in life there! :)
Simple Mindz

Aug 13 08, 7:04 pm PDT

16
Tina,
This was a great post. Thank you.
Sorry to hear of your breakup.
When my ex and I split - it turned very nasty at the end. But it was honestly because I was being a jerk.
We are now back together and working on our relationship. And it is for the first time - both of us trying to make it work.
Breakups are so darn hard sometimes. And I thank you again for sharing this painful part in your life.
Robert A. Henru

Aug 13 08, 7:07 pm PDT

17
Tina, thanks a lot for this post.
I believe people will be able to learn from the lesson you share with us.
Great to know that you both are still friends.
And always look out on the positive things you can move forward to.
Wishing the best for you two.

Cheer up!
Robert
Kavita
Aug 13 08, 7:12 pm PDT

18
Hi Tina,

First of all, its a very well written and beautiful article. Many people would know the way-out to get over a relationship, which is not working.

Tina, Happiness cannot and should not depend upon people, things or circumstances as sooner or later there would be a change in it. Better to rely upon internal happiness rather than trying to seek it from other sources.

Third, Come out of your personality and think for few seconds that what would “mr./ms. abc = your role model” would do in such a circumstance or what would a person with a very positive attitude would do in such a moment. Let it go. I am stronger than that person and even I can do that and move ahead.

Have a great time and wonderful life and immense love and blessings.

God Bless U.
PeaceLoveJoyBliss
Aug 13 08, 8:02 pm PDT

19
A variety of relationships, at various levels of depth, is a feature of my life that I treasure deeply, one that serves to cushion any loss of love that I might experience with someone in particular - and it really helps me to know that love and romance need not be intertwined.
Evelyn Lim

Aug 13 08, 8:41 pm PDT

20
Tina, you are very brave to share your personal story, during a time like this. Judging from what you’ve said in your article, you do not need any more “advice” or suggestions.

You already have my support, even while we are miles apart. As I write this comment, I ask for divine guidance to help and support you, my friend, in need. I send you loving and healing thoughts.

Hugs,
Evelyn
Devan
Aug 13 08, 9:19 pm PDT

21
I admire the way to wrote a brilliant article whilst immersed in the throes of such emotional upheaval. You are outstanding.

I fully subscribe to the ‘Learn the Lesson’ philosophy - out of any perceived ‘negative’ situation, there are many lessons to be learned.

I went through a very emotional business relationship break up some years back, and it is amazing how many of these points hold true. It doesn’t always have to be a romantic relationship, but any relationship where there is a meshing of minds/ideas/thoughts/dreams/passions can break your heart when it ends.
Aw Guo

Aug 13 08, 10:14 pm PDT

22
It’s hard for me.

I was so depressed after my first love left me.

However, after about 2 years, I though I was so foolish. There are so many greater girls and my current girlfriend is much much better.

Anyway, It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just a wrong time and a wrong person you get. Don’t blame for each other and be happy in everyday’s life.
jasmine yuyutsu

Aug 13 08, 11:21 pm PDT

23
great blog thanks for sharing it

jasmine yuyutsu
adsense-blogtips.blogspot.com
valerie
Aug 13 08, 11:41 pm PDT

24
Hi, and yes thank you for your share. I have just ended a 10yr relationship, that has really been over for a long time. The real hard part for me, is the best friend part, the person you can call 1 to 7 times in the day for advice, questions, or just being goofy. To make a long 10 year story short, the first 3 yrs were great, but we would take from each other and for many years was cute, but then the stealing from each other turned into lying, drug addiction, and yes him cheating. well into the 4th to 8 yrs he was in and out of jail(drug related) and one rehab program, and for myself two rehab programs. The 8th-9th year both clean and sober best year of my life, he would still tell white lies but that i could tolerate. 9th to over 10yr hes off probation, we get back together after a short break-up, we start using again together, he starts lying, stealing from me again and dealing drugs. Since then, I have known it’s been over but sticking around for the sex and drugs, and praying for god to please help me one more time break free of this sick toxic relationship, and 1000’s of positive affirmations and self help mental work, I finally ended this relationship 3 days ago, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart, because if he wouldn’t have stole my brand new digital camera with the tags still on it and if he wouldn’t of told that ridiculous drug-induced academy award winner BIG FAT LIE I would still be hanging on trying to make that sick, toxic, unhealthy, abusive to both relationship work. I am finished with the drugs, lies and thieves, and i hold on dearly to the hope, faith and the little bit of love for myself and god dearly. Thank you so much for listening to me, if there hadn’t been websites like this i think i might of been dead. Thank you again so much. sincerly, valerie
Al
Aug 14 08, 1:10 am PDT

25
We have an issue with love: it is overrated.
People who allege they want a lasting relationship, may be at times the first ones to dump it, declaring it happens because “I don’t love him/her anymore”. Spelled like the ultimate self evident explanation :-)
And so what? Who cares!
Relationships START with love, but LAST with affection and respect, NOT with love.

Falling in love is by its own nature fleeting: you build nothing on it. And loving is subject to variations. When you say ‘love’, it can last if it is love like you may have it for god, or for a profession, or for an artistic talent. It seems that many times in our most emphatic feelings for another human being, we are still unable to bestow upon him or her the type of ‘love’ we may have for a profession or for a hobby.
That’s sad: we DO treat a living person as lesser element than those things; and we are brazen enough to call it… love!

So, if one wants the award for the Tza Tza Gabor Sentimental Maturity, one may found his or her relationships on love, and change husband or wife like one changes a shirt; otherwise, found it on affection and respect, and when love subsides, remember that there are far better and more important things in a relationship than your -evidently- somewhat either squalid or selfish ‘love’ :-)

A good alternative: don’t love at all, have feelings and respect. This doesn’t prevent you from finding many who behave the other way round, but you may eventually say that your “modest” affection was by far sounder than his or her hyped “love”.
Maybe he or she did not betray you, and yet you did: but cheating is overrated too. If I cheat once ina fluke and stay, I am better than one who never cheats and go because ‘does not love you anymore’: the most ludicrous of explanations.

If you want to break up don’t say you don’t love anymore, say rather that you need less commitment. For if to throw in a bin a person it is enough for you not to love anymore, your love was worth of that bin.
Jan
Aug 14 08, 1:26 am PDT

26
How to not cope… :-S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTVSygNKAsg
Michael Lee Stallard

Aug 14 08, 4:56 am PDT

27
Tina,

You’ve given me a lot to think about.

My wife Katie and I have been married for more than 24 years. She is the love of my life. We are great friends. My affection and respect for her comes from a mix of being attracted to Katie, sharing her values and knowing so much of her life’s journey, including the journeys of her family and friends. Although we share the same values (such as respect for people and spirituality), we are very different people. We have different temperaments that complement each another. We share many interests such as a love for the performing arts and for reading. We differ in that she is a singer who performs regularly, and although I enjoy watching her perform, I have little personal interest in performing as a singer. I like to exercise while she loathes it. Of one thing I’m certain, being with Katie makes me a better person.

When Katie was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer in early 2004, I was stunned. We have two daughters who were 12 and 10 at the time. The thought of our daughters not being with their wonderful mother and Katie not seeing the girls grow up made me sad beyond anything I had ever experienced. The thought of life without her was too painful to describe. During that season of treatment, the relationships and encouragement of our family and friends protected our spirits. Our friends brought us meals and hung out at our house. They were positive and kept us laughing and smiling, and oftentimes in awe of their generosity. The experience opened my eyes to the importance of human connection and relationships in life. I wrote an essay about it entitled “Alone No Longer.” I chose that title because I came to believe that I had been too focused on achievement in life and not enough on the people I love (i.e. that I love as family members and that I love as friends…two different types of love, as you point out).

Today, Katie is in remission. She looks and feels great. What the future holds, I don’t know but I am enjoying the journey and time together as a couple, as a family and as part of a community of friends.

You are a remarkable and wonderful person. I feel certain you’ll find the love of your life. My friends who compromised by continuing in relationships with people who were not right for them or who had questionable character, have paid a steep price. My friends who waited until they found the partner they could love and respect (a person their families and friends also felt good about), today I see a genuine sense of joy in their lives that comes from connection and commitment in the very best sense of those words. And that’s my hope for you. The same hope I have for my daughters.

Life has inevitable difficult periods. During the seasons when we need healing, it seems from my own journey in life that a number of things have helped. Time spent with family and friends. Music, books, movies and Broadway shows that inspire me. Experiencing the beauty of nature whether it was lying in the sun next to the ocean or driving through the mountains. Admiring the beauty of art. Slowing down and taking time to think and make sense of my life’s experiences. I think it’s wonderful that you’re taking the time to give this experience a lot of thought and writing about it and interacting with others which brings even greater clarity. Thank you for being so open and sharing what you’ve learn with us so that we benefit from your insights.

With best wishes,
Michael
Glen Allsopp

Aug 14 08, 6:01 am PDT

28
Excellent as always, i know this is something very personal so although it must have been difficult to write…I can see you have a lot to share

Cheers,
Glen
Jim McDish
Aug 14 08, 6:51 am PDT

29
No Doubt dude, breaking up is hard to do. Just make it all work out!

JT
www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
Joel
Aug 14 08, 6:53 am PDT

30
I think this is way oversimplified. First of all, relationships arent a breathe in and a breathe out. Although they sometimes are, people depend on eachother whether they want to admit it or not. People are not all these independent, emotionally strong, free spirits like you describe. Most breakups are followed by distrust of one another, lying, and other behavior to try to regain control after someone dumps you. The notion of having a healthy friendship that isn’t shrouded in harbored contempt or dishonesty rarely actually happens. When it does its refreshing, but its not because of some methodology like you post here.
Jake
Aug 14 08, 6:56 am PDT

31
Thank you for this. I have not been over a girl for over a year now, and I always had that guilt and senseless failure thinking. I appreciate that you spent the time and heart towards this.
Anon
Aug 14 08, 7:04 am PDT

32
What do you do in the situation, where your partner breaks up with you, trying to do the whole “perfect breakup” routine, when you know she/he is doing so to be with a new love interest?

A totally different situation and one where a pretty breakup ritual can’t make it all ok.
Laura
Aug 14 08, 7:05 am PDT

33
Tina ~

Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your words with us all. It has been a year since I began the journey of surviving a breakup. I was not always gracious, and my partner was not “there for me”. This article would have helped us both to navigate the troubled waters of human emotions and relating.

I feel it’s important too to realize that we all “move forward” at different rates. It takes some people longer to heal, longer to find balance and equilibrium after the loss of someone dear. There must be grieving and empathy in order for there to be acceptance and understanding.

Learning from the experience is necessary for growth, for discovering who we are, truly, and for finding better ways to articulate our desires, to communicate our needs (not neediness), and to express our passions in a way that brings clarity, and peace.

Thank you, for your generous spirit, for your compassion, and for articulating that which we should all be taught…healthy relating.

Laura
Daniel
Aug 14 08, 7:08 am PDT

34
Very good article. I myself was dumped a year and a half ago by a girl that was really special to me (she left with a friend of mine). At first all I could do was ask myself why she had done it. Now I’m starting to realize it really doesn’t matter why, the important thing is to get over it, and there’s nothing like time and distance to achieve it.
Sunny
Aug 14 08, 7:08 am PDT

35
What you suggested about friendship is nearly impossible, especially if you are walking into a new relationship. You have to care about how the other person feel about being friends with your ex. Worst of all, it is possible to relapse when being friend with ex.

Everytime you talk to your ex, it brings back the memory of the good time. It is very easy to feel sad and it gets worse if the other party feel the same ==> relapse…hurting the one in your current relationship.

Sometimes, being friend with ex can be quite counter-productive, especially if their intention is wreck your current relationship so that you will end up being with him/her again.

That’s all from personal experience. In all, I would really recommend being friend with ex unless you are absolutely sure that there is no dire consequence following your decision. Chances you can never be sure anyway.
Lisa
Aug 14 08, 7:24 am PDT

36
I just got out of a very deep, intense - yet so complicated relationship. The breaking-up process takes 9 months! I was at the receiving end of the break-up, and it hit me real hard at first. But he kept strung me along for 9 months! At the end, I gathered all of my strength, all of the pain he caused - and I ended it. From my end.

I never felt so relieved - like a huge object has been lifted off my chest! Yes, it still hurts a little bit sometimes, but it’s all worth it. Yes, I do miss him at times - but I can definitely do without him.

Just a little note on keeping the friendship with ex(es) - I think it really depends on how the relationship was, how it was ended - and most importantly - is it really a two way friendship? In my case, it was not. So I chose to cut it loose.
Beth

Aug 14 08, 7:43 am PDT

37
I would love to share this article with my college-aged daughter who at some time in her life, will experience a break-up from a serious relationship; but coming from Mom may be the kiss of death. I’ll just save it for now.
Mekura
Aug 14 08, 7:52 am PDT

38
Tina,

All of your points are spot-on, but there’s one or two points I would add. When someone breaks up with you, be sure that you don’t cultivate an “I’ll show them” attitude. No dating their friend, or getting something they’ve always wanted, or being passive-aggressive towards them in any way. Most importantly, don’t try to turn friends against them or force your friends to take your side against your ex.

While it’s okay to explore activities you’ve wanted to do but that your ex would frown upon (and sometimes it’s surprising how many of those there are), make sure that you’re not doing so mainly because of your ex. If you are, you’re still giving them some control over your life, and for a while at least, you need to be living for yourself.

That being said, changing your daily routine after a breakup can be quite helpful in finding closure. If you’re still going through all the movements of your “old” life together, you’ll often notice the absence of your ex much more than if you redecorate your bedroom, listen to new music, or start going to different restaurants, for example.

Thank you for the wonderful article, Tina, and I wish the best for you in growing from the challenges you are facing at the moment.

-Mekura
Pheobe
Aug 14 08, 7:53 am PDT

39
I have been going through some very tough times with my boyfriend for a while now. It all started with small fights about random things we never cared to fight about before. Once we realized it was happening a bit too much, I re-evaluated the relationship and myself. Why was I with him? Why do I love him? What do I want from a relationship? Am I getting enough of what I want? Of course these questions and this mindset made me become even more distant from my partner.

We have talked and have been nothing but open about everything we are feeling and thinking, but it’s almost as though it hasn’t helped any. Now we are just stuck. I am too afraid to make any decision of whether or not to stay in this relationship. I don’t want to make the wrong choice. We have broken up one or two times before, and obviously came back together. Does this signify that we should just try harder to make it work, or I should try harder to make up my damn mind?

The heart can be clouded so easily. I feel like I would almost rather someone else just make up my mind for me and pretend that I didn’t have a choice, just so I wouldn’t be responsible for the wrong decision….

This article definitely helped me clear up a few things in my mind. For one, I read this article over the “How to keep a relationship” about two times. If their is anymore advise in the world for me, please provide it!
Zach
Aug 14 08, 8:11 am PDT

40
I’m still sort of getting over a relationship from 8 months ago. I’m almost over it now but damn was it hard in the first couple months. The reason for the breakup was I was away for 6 months and my ex got swept up by one of her friends who I always knew liked her. He broke up with his own girlfriend to go out with my ex. Man I was pissed and was so close to jumping him but in the end, I found my cool and just let it be. In addition, I guess I always knew that in the end I needed to break up with her for various reasons. I was just always avoiding the inevitable.

The comments for this article really helped me a lot. I find it very comforting knowing that there are others are out there in the exact same situation as me. Let’s all try to move on with our lives and find a better partner that will erase our ex’s memory.
Anisa
Aug 14 08, 8:32 am PDT

41
Hello again, Tina :)

I imagine you know that I feel for you- you were a great help to me when I went through this myself not so long ago. For that, I’ll be forever grateful.

In the past couple of weeks, as I’m sure is natural, I’ve done an incredible amount of thinking, both inwardly and verbally with friends. A few things have become more apparent and apply more strongly to my happiness as time goes by:

I must accept that I must love myself as I am; I must be aware that I will grow and change in a whole number of ways, but I will always be me fundamentally, and if I can’t be happy with myself as I am and as I change, the kind of relationship I look for won’t be able to bloom.

Furthermore, the act of ‘true’ love, I believe, is an art, honed with experience and maturity. At this point in time, whether because of the recent break up or otherwise, I’ve realised I’m not yet emotionally mature enough to sustain a strong relationship. This encompasses trust, unconditional love and understanding/compassion.

And so, to my final, perhaps most important point. The biggest thing that I’ve learnt from this, and possibly the biggest thing that I have learnt all year, is that everybody is imperfect- the strongest, longest-lasting love comes when one is mature enough and loves themselves enough to be able to look past another person’s imperfections, and loves them despite; the ‘faults’ are not a reflection on yourself, nor do they jeopardise the way you feel about this person.

My mistake was to ask my then-partner to change for me, when I didn’t really know myself what exactly it was that I wanted him to change. Combine this with somewhat shakey communicative skills that were saturated with unruly emotion. Even now, trying to specify what I was asking for makes my mind reel, because I spoke to him with trepidation and a lack of belief in my values, which comes back to the emotional maturity/self-love thing. To him, this became a brick wall for our relationship: he was not going to change, nor did he think he should, because that’s not what love is about. He’s right, but I believe that we were both in the wrong, and that, in youth, we were still experimenting with our boundaries and personal values.

As it stands, part of me still wants to save the relationship. He’s a good, kind person, but his stubbornness and resolute decision keep him separated from his emotions, so I feel as if there’s nothing I can do. The rational part of me, though, is beginning to see the benefits in this for the time being. I’ve learnt a huge amount from this, and am glad to realise that, of your checklist, I’ve been running through at least half of them in my progressive healing process!

I want to thank you again for all your thoughts, and hope you’re keeping well. I find travelling helps :)
slicenglide

Aug 14 08, 8:47 am PDT

42
I found a few things about the article a bit wonky. First, prep time with music and loving thoughts. You don’t have to get all Kum Bay Yah before having the chat, you just have to suck it up and admit that you’re willing to burn one to the fire for the greater good. As much as you are in love with the idea of being, “Just Friends.” friends in a good number of cases isn’t going to work out or be fair to the guy. Guys have a shitty disposition to think, “She’ll come around and realize what she’s missing.”

It’s training we received from every eighties movie that told us… if you just stick in their long enough, her will will break and she’ll be yours. I don’t think it was the idea they were trying to convey… but damned if I don’t know at least five guys that are in some holding pattern like this while their ex, or girl that they like is giving it to someone else. Let’s be honest here for a moment. If you are willing to break up with someone, you’re telling them, “I love you, but not that much… take it down a notch?” I think trying to get the best of the person you had while keeping it non-relationship or nonsexual is a cop out.

I think the best way to break up with a person is deep and brutal honesty (For men definately.) He needs to know that you and him will never work out again. That you tried to reconcile differences, but that it didn’t work out… and it’s best if you never try to make it happen again. Kind of like sending the other person into exile. That way there is no hope left in the other person that it may again work out.

That way, the other person isn’t stuck in a holding pattern waiting for you to come around. They fully know they must grief and move on, because they get nothing from you. No love, no friendship, no caring and compassion. A true sign that this road is a dead end and I need to move on.

I admit that after breaking up in my early relationships I tried it your way. What I was left with was longings and desires for that other person that I still saw and talked to that carried on for too long. I was stunting my own development. When that other person did move on, I was very bitter and very hurt. Fix to that?

I actually met a girl who broke up with me, and broke up with me well. She told me what was wrong, why it wasn’t fixable, that I was no longer a part of her life, and pretty much that it wasn’t going to be worthwhile to try and keep contact.

Best breakup ever… I grieved, I moved on, and other than a good relationship tale… I don’t think about her or pine for her any more.

More than one way to approach things, you may find one way better than the other. Least I skipped the listening to soft music, rubbing my heart, and general life coach douche baggery.
Alex
Aug 14 08, 9:10 am PDT

43
I just got out of a 2 year relationship, my first long term relationship. We care deeply for each other, but we’re just not a good fit together anymore. It has been the most difficult period of my life, this past month, but I think I’m starting to see some rays of hope. We decided to no longer talk to one another about 3 weeks ago, and I think it will be a long time before i’m capable of doing so again.

I think an addendum to your method would be to make mention that in order to be friends, both people need to be ok with the other person dating and being intimate. I’m mostly alright with the break up at this point, but thinking of her with other guys… turns my gut into a knot and balls my fists.
Boo Radley
Aug 14 08, 9:13 am PDT

44
“We will remain good friends.”

Hahaha… Yeah, riiiight….
Coherent
Aug 14 08, 9:16 am PDT

45
Look, this blog post only shows the positive comments. I think this is pretty indicative of how you will take criticism. Hide it away, never show it to the world, the horror, the horror!

This was obviously written from the perspective of the person initiating and forcing through the breakup. As such, it contains a metaphoric ton of rationalization and delusion. “We will remain good friends”? How can you possibly assure that? That completely depends on the person you’re breaking up with, their capacity for forgiveness, and it’s not going to be decided at all for at least six months when they feel absolutely nothing when they think about you. Then they’ll decide if they still want to be around you at all.

Also, I find point 8, “Love them” to be completely disingenuous. The whole point of the relationship ending is that you don’t love them, or at least, not so much that you could stand their faults. You are going from one extremely intense state of love to a very mild and weak form of love. Going from love that requires the two of you in daily contact to a love that requires an occasional “Hello” at parties or social events when you bump into each other.

And realistically speaking, your ex-partner isn’t going to be “cool” with you for years. It might be literally years before he or she will be able to think about you without feeling pain and loss. Oh yeah, sure, you can be such good “friends” when the presence of one friend causes the other to feel like they want to die. Like that’s all going to be just hunky-dory.

I’ll tell you what, why don’t you write another article in three-to-five months, an article that tells us how it’s all going. Or better yet, have your ex-partner write the article, because only he or she will know the truth about what worked versus what was bullshit.
Jade
Aug 14 08, 10:41 am PDT

46
Amazing timing. My partner and I of 4.5 years just broke up. As in, happened yesterday. It wasn’t a “bad” break-up by most standards. We talked, we communicated - we came to the realization that for each of us to remain true to ourselves; our relationship as it was could not continue. We live together and I have made the decision to move out. Sure, you point out that cutting off all ties to a person you loved and had a friendship with might not be the best idea - but sometimes, it’s for the best. At least for while. I know that if I continued to live together and continue the friendship aspect of our relationship right now, old habits would creep up and it would not be healthy for myself. So at this time, I have to remove myself from the situation, from the friendship, from all of it - so that I may heal on my own. Thank you for sharing all of this; it could not have happened at a better time for me. I wish you the best for your future.
Sara at On Simplicity

Aug 14 08, 10:48 am PDT

47
I think you’ve pretty much got it covered here. I do best when I give myself a couple of days to be a disaster. I wallow in it until I’m sick of wallowing. At that point, I find myself excited to move on and ready to shed the baggage, even if I’m still sad.

I would also add that it’s important to set clear boundaries. Both partners can be hurt when the scope of the breakup is unclear. Are we broken up temporarily? Do they want to try again later? If it’s over, say it’s over. Be careful with being available to them, as this can send mixed messages that prolong the hurt. I’ve been on both sides of this one, and they sucked equally.

Best wishes for both of you as you move on.
James
Aug 14 08, 10:55 am PDT

48
This comes across like the first stages of breaking up with someone your really in love with. If the relationship was really intense you are kidding yourself if you believe you can continue caring and loving that person like a close friend. If you do, you haven’t really ended the relationship, and it will get very messy when you or your ex-partner start having serious relationships with others.

It is painful breaking up, but partially breaking up is even worse in the long run - you can cause a lot of distress to your ex without realising it if you don’t make a clean cut.
Steve
Aug 14 08, 11:28 am PDT

49
thank you SO much for writing this article!! it was exactly what i needed to hear when i found it on Digg. Really. I love how you help me to see my own life clearer in all your articles.

if you ever make it to san diego I would love to buy you dinner out of gratitude.
JF
Aug 14 08, 11:37 am PDT

50
I don’t agree that two people who are ending a relationship need to be there for each other for emotional support. I went through some breakups of each type and the most important thing I felt whether I was breaking up with some one or being dumped was the need to get along with myself and to let go if the other person. Having an ex call to check up on you seems unnecessary and prolongs the break up process. Emotional attachments end with time but if the person is constantly in your life it takes longer and the attachment may never even end. I remember caring so much for someone that I broke up with and I honestly wanted to communicate with them as a friend but it just ended up causing them unnecessary pain. Likewise, when my ex contacted me I really didn’t want to go back to how I felt. If it is over, move on with your life. The primary focus should be on healing yourself and loving yourself. When you are comfortable with that then that makes you available emotionally to meeting someone new. This person’s advise while honorable leaves me with the
impression of carrying emotional baggage and that is very unhealthy. I can’t see breaking up, moving on and then making myself avail for the lamenting party of the ended relationship. That would hold me back. And like she pointed out, we only have so much time in this world. Communicate clearly, don’t be afraid to be honest. Never say it’s not you, it’s me unless you really mean. Be clear in letting someone know why it is over.
Anonymous
Aug 14 08, 11:56 am PDT

51
I am going through a break up myself right now. I read this article to help me get through this horrible feeling that I am having. Shortness of breath, nausea, you know, the heart ache. We broke up on good terms, which is why this hurts the most. Never have I ever gone through such a great relationship and ended it on good terms. Was told to take everything in and look at it as how I should have been treated. From reading this article, I’m going to have to say that it made me feel better. So glad that I ran by and saw this article.

Thank you very much.
nightfever
Aug 14 08, 12:36 pm PDT

52
i won’t agree with: “Remember you can love people without needing to be in a romantic relationship with them. ”
A romantic relationship and feelings are things you share with that person, an intimate situation. You can’t look at a person after “you’ve seen him naked”, after sharing the same bed with him, after spending great moments with him in the romantic state. It may sound lame, but the sex part is very important in having deep feelings, and no other state (as the friend state) can give you such feelings.
Remaining friends after breakup is losing all those special feelings you have with that person.
I also think that women react in other ways than men do. Women CAN remain just friends, but few men can’t. I surely can do this only if i don’t have any feelings for her.

I usually cut any contact after breakup. No phone, no internet, nothing. And i thing this is a good thing, because you can focus on what you feel for that person, and decide if it’s good to make up.

Also, i agree with remaining just friends before make up.
Evan
Aug 14 08, 1:10 pm PDT

53
And what about when you have major business interests together? As in your home, property, livelihood all in one place. Not so easy to bow out (gracefully) then. Look at all those farmers and other land based partnerships. We don’t all have paid jobs or are mobile self-employed.
Breaking up in these cases means loosing your job, neighborhood, home, profession, and self image.

I agree with coherent above that there’s probably another version of this (and every other) breakup. The driver always looks ahead and says we’ll remain friends while the other person is left dazed and stranded. How to be friends on such uneven footing?

***************
REPLY

Thanks for adding your thoughts Evan. I can only speak about my own situation. The article is based on my own experience and I’ve made it as general as possible, as you said, there are exceptions.

Re: Being Friends

In my case, the other person was the one who suggested that we shall remain good friends. The driver just wanted to do what it takes to help the other person heal.

I’ve been on both sides of breakups and understand where everyone is coming from regarding my remarks with staying friends.

I think it’s important to get over the other person before attempting friendship, otherwise, it will be an unfair and painful situation for the person on the receiving end. For Adam and I, we have mutually agreed to not be in contact for a set period of time for this reason.

Warmly,
Tina
Charlotte
Aug 14 08, 5:30 pm PDT

54
Thankyou Tina for such an empowering article, I felt the strings in my heart pull as I read your words. I admire and respect your decision to focus on an issue current in your world.

A high school teacher once said to me, ok, you love him…. but is he your friend - And will you be friends when the love is gone? I didn’t know what to say in response, and didn’t understand what he meant. Needless to say, that relationship ended badly. But 15 years later I can answer that, my husband and I are friends as well as lovers and partners. Continue being kind to yourself, every day is the brith of another future.

Charlotte
Alfez
Aug 14 08, 6:48 pm PDT

55
I enjoyed this - thank you
ElGordo
Aug 14 08, 8:52 pm PDT

56
Tina you have attempted a great thing and from the preponderance of comments, may have succeeded. Still, I offer a contrarian — and some will surely say, anachronistic — view. I think it’s fair to assume that all the tales of love and woe above involve total sexual intimacy, and that’s considered natural and normal in 2008.

Of course it wasn’t always so. More people waited until marriage, or even engagement, before getting too cozy. This was considered, consciously or not, a test of self-control and fidelity (indicative of future behavior) as well as a fuse protecting against all or most of the above stories.

Somewhere, when having sex became so recreational, the huge emotional and even (dare I say?) spiritual interleaving with that act was set aside. Maybe if men are really from Mars it was already set aside, but when the Venusians signed on to hookups and friends-w-benefits, “courtship” roared down the slippery slope. I surmise that it really picked up steam decades before “have sex” (15 million google hits) supplanted the more humane “make love” (9 million). The very language reflects a more harsh, utilitarian, transactional state of affairs (pardon the pun).

So from my vantage, the typical relationship recounted above was a “trial marriage” — except that each utterly lacked the commitment that undergirds the battered and flawed institution of marriage. Hmmmm, so they weren’t trial marriages, so what were they?

>Trial divorces.< With all that easy and sanctioned intimacy, the hearts get swept along, only to be smashed or shallowly consoled. But divorce is hard; breakup of a fully sexual relationship is catastrophic and every bit as damaging as divorce. Read the above tales as evidence. People become more wary, even cynical. And of course, turning back the clock on automatic, assumed intimacy is very difficult. I have a separated woman-friend now who won’t sleep with her several suitors — her standard does weed ‘em out. But what a protection to a relationship to say: we will draw the line somewhere short of intercourse and bank that self control as worthwhile to us years later (if and after we marry) when temptation knocks, which it likely will.

I come from a family line with not a single divorce, as does my wife, and we have been married for decades, after both of us dating many people under these assumptions. That doesn’t make them right, but know that such relationships and “fuses” are possible, and could preclude a lot of the pain which Tina has tried to mitigate.
Yamil Gonzales

Aug 14 08, 9:18 pm PDT

57
The question is… who wants to end a relationship, i’ve been single for too long for not appreciate a relationship…

just my thoughts…
Coherent
Aug 14 08, 11:56 pm PDT

58
I’m currently going through a breakup. I didn’t initiate the breakup. They apparently fell out of love with me without telling me, they didn’t let me know that their feelings had changed until it was too late.

It feels like being stabbed in the neck by the absolute last person you ever expected to hurt you, the one you loved, the one you would die for… suddenly decides that’s not good enough, you’re not good enough for them. However they euphemize it, they have decided that you should be voted off their island, forever.

When you love someone, you trust them not to hurt you. They have vast power to damage you, you give them your heart and soul, as fresh as a newborn baby bunny.

Then one day, that baby bunny dies in the cold, and they never tell you until it’s far too late, until that piece of your heart is just… gone, forever. A hole remaining in your soul where you gave them that part of yourself. You never get it back. It never heals. It numbs over slowly, but it never heals, and you just get older and older always with the pain, the numbing agony where love once flourished and grew. Even with new love, it merely distracts from the old pain, the stricken landscape of memories in your heart.
Manishi

Aug 15 08, 3:35 am PDT

59
I must appreciate the ways you have narrated the whole incident.
The honesty and open heartedness that you have adopted is remarkable.

I wish you luck in life and everything that you do.

Regards
Manishi
http://manishi.vox.com/
sukhatme
Aug 15 08, 6:33 am PDT

60
very appealling…makes you think after reading.
Nick
Aug 15 08, 6:43 am PDT

61
Hi, thank you for this piece.

I had a break-up several weeks ago and have done a lot of reading and journaling to heal.

Being quite science-oriented, there has been the desire to understand — to replay the situation repeatedly looking for forensic evidence — as if understanding “why” would lessen the pain or release the present from the grip of the past. That search only serves to prolong the acute pain of ‘breaking up’ and prevent it from becoming the dull pain of ‘moving on’. The pain of breaking up — so common that it need not be described in more detail — fills the vacuum of consciousness and prevents mental space from filling with loss, emptiness and loneliness.

In many conversations around the subject, the truism seems to be that a break-up is most painful for as long as we choose it to be — for as long as we hold ourselves in that acute and painful moment. Some hold themselves in that moment for an instant, others for a year. The difference seems that those who let go after a moment are honest with themselves and fall into the arms of friends and family. The ones that hold on for long periods of time are resisting and internalizing.

Often the process appears to have more to do with the state of someone’s relationship with their own life than with another person — those who accept themselves and the life they have created release quickly. If we find ourselves holding onto another and consciously prevent ourselves from healing, we ought look at the rest of our lives to understand what holding onto that pain does for us — what the noise of that pain silences.

I would strongly recommend anyone going through a break-up to use the opportunity and investigate any unpleasentness. Once the other person walks away, everything after that is of our own individual creation. If a break-up seems unimaginably difficult and intense, please use the experience to grow in strength. In my own case, I have come to understand that I become anxious when intimacy reaches shared control over finances. Knowing that will not bring the last relationship back however it can make the next a great success

One quote I would like to add comes from helpguide.org:

“In crisis there is opportunity. Although your current breakup can trigger unresolved memories that add to your pain and grief, the availability of raw memories gives you an opportunity to revisit unresolved past hurts, reevaluate and heal them.”

To anyone else going through a break-up — no matter which side you are on — I strongly agree break-ups are neither personal failures nor signs that the world is a dark, difficult place. Please re-read this article several times. And be nice to youself. You are lovable, loved and important.
Ashish
Aug 15 08, 10:37 am PDT

62
i have been through one breakup. i would say if possible go away from that person in a different town or city. i would also recommend not to continue friendship with that person. i am no expert on the subject. but just my personal experience.
ratherbedead
Aug 15 08, 1:37 pm PDT

63
I was broken up with this morning after 3+ years, two living together. He said that he didn’t love me romantically anymore.

I’ve never felt pain like this, and seems impossible to get out from under, or that it will ever end. Every second is agony. Time is not moving fast enough with it’s ever healing properties.

I wish I had an emotional dead switch. I’d pull it.
Coherent
Aug 15 08, 4:53 pm PDT

64
ratherbedead - try to think only about the bad things about him, the stuff that drove you crazy. It helps, a little. Try to get as far away from him as you can, and have absolutely no contact with him, even if you’re tempted. Just let it pass. I know what you’re going through, I’m in it too right now.
Bill
Aug 15 08, 6:16 pm PDT

65
Tina,

I subscribe to your blogs through my gmail account. You know how gmail lets you put a star next to important mess

Think Simple Now. A Blog on Creativity, Productivity, and Happiness.