How to Find True Love

74 Comments

While “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic I’ve written on, it’s not surprising that a close second is the topic of “How to Find the Ideal Relationship”. Here’s an email from one reader:

“I’ve realized that one of my main goals is to find a worthwhile and long term relationship. I noticed you have entries on how to keep a relationship and on how to end a relationship so would you consider writing an entry on what you perceive to be the best way to find a worthwhile relationship. How to avoid making the same mistakes, overcoming fears, keeping up motivation after failure etc.”
- Gary (Dublin, Ireland)

Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status, at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved, and to be happy.

Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and wealth and fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and will hopefully be loved and accepted.

If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of finding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are, you didn’t grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we certainly didn’t study relationships in our high school curriculums. For most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error and learning through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?

In light of Valentine’s Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time: finding love.

Personal Story

I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship, all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth through my external relationships took me further from that which I longed.

I’ve always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, I’ve often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my purpose and my true self.

Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.

My freedom day came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the pain. (Read my detailed journal entry from that day here.)

I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with relationship expert Alison Armstrong. I have come a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.

Problematic Relationship Patterns

Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.

Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities

As with material possessions or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

Communication of Needs

Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.

Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those needs.

Bad Fit and Settling by Default

Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.

The best fits are ones where the most important values for both people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership their top priority.

Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.

We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad feelings and bad energy in our inner space.

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like: beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale, or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or whatever else that strikes our fancy.

Photo: Emily Helen, The Best Kauai Wedding Photographer

The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’ person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the beautiful qualities they do possess.

The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to be extraordinarily happy.

What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will snowball into larger issues.

For example, if height is something that is really important to you, and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and this will bug you and affect your union.

In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves us closer to realizing our intended desires.

Identifying Must-Haves

Here’s a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify the must-have qualities in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go through this, even if you are presently in a relationship.

Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.

Ready? Here we go:

Step 1. The Perfect Image

On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper as needed.

Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes, values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.

For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had your choice in creating your ideal partner.

Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)

Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.

Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:

“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”

If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.

Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker for me.

Step 3. Screening MRs

Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:

“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”

If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.

The Selection Process

I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a future event that is important to us, thinking that our partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out several years later that things will never work out the way we expected. Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage, children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.

First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in the current stage of your life.

Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to disappointment.

Photo by Mike BG

On my first dates with any guy, I found that telling them my expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good fit.

Personally, I was looking for a husband and to start a family. I would tell them that I wanted to get married before I turned 30 and to start making babies within two years of getting married. Oh, and I would also like to have two children. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.

Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up, fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering through potential partners until we find one of them.

As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time, becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time in the process.

Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then “filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone who possesses all the important qualities that you need.

Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who had those qualities started showing up in my life.

Love Yourself First

As I mentioned in the article How to Overcome Breakups, the art of loving yourself is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also in finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves.

Another way of looking at this is to imagine each person in a relationship as a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the other is dependent, it’s like one stick is standing perfectly vertical and the second stick is leaning against the vertical stick. If the vertical stick moves horizontally, the leaning stick will fall. When two people are both independent and joined together through love, it’s like two sticks standing vertically. When they join together, they become a larger and stronger stick and they become interdependent and stronger. If one stick moves horizontally, the other stick will move with it.

Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the mirror.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.

When you truly love yourself, you will exude and spread a magnetic energy to those around you. Before you know it, you will be surrounded by those attracted to you for who you really are.

Forgiving Our Ex’s

When we hold onto unresolved issues from previous relationships, they become emotional baggage in our future relationships. I’ve found forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that contributes to the wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.

A few years ago I sat down with, or phoned, several of my ex-boyfriends, and apologized for hurt feelings I may have caused, and expressed and forgave them for my own hurt feelings from the relationship. This experience brought closure to those relationships, removed the baggage, and allowed new friendships to develop.

A Few Words On Sex

For those of us who are sexually active, I would like to point out one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is a chemical change that takes place in your body. In particular, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin that binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad fit for us, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it’s for a short amount of time. Far too often, these relationships can turn into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.

It is recommended by relationship experts to not have sex during your dating and selection process unless you are okay with being emotionally bound to that person or having that person be emotionally bound to you for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with someone unless they fit all the qualities on your MR list.

For more information on this topic, read chapter four of “The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

Parting Words

People often ask, “Where should I go to find this person?” The logical answer provided by most is to go to places where such a person would hang out, but this practice can often lead to disappointment. My suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain clarity on what you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend time practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead spend your efforts on self development.

As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.

* Got a love story you want to share? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

If you enjoyed the content, please join Think Simple Now on facebook, share this article on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us.
Thank you for your support. :)

Other Related Articles You May Like:

External Resources:

Audio CD: In Sync with the Opposite Sex: - Understand the Conflicts. End the Confusion. Make the Right Choices.
Book: The Power of Now
Book: The Female Brain
Audio CD: Celebrating Love

74 Responses (67 Comments, 7 Trackbacks ):

Comments

John

Feb 11 09, 5:20 pm PST

1
Tina,
Wow, way to go!
This may be your most insightful & helpful article yet (& that’s saying a lot!)
I think the balance between accepting there’s no “perfect” mate but also having a “MR” list to avoid getting stuck in a bad relationship is especially helpful.
I’m passing this along to alot of my friends. thanks.
Qupid

Feb 11 09, 5:59 pm PST

2
Great article! I’ve also absorbed dramatic amounts of valuable knowledge from relationship studies–mostly from John Gray and “Doc Love” (author of “The System”). If I’d had the knowledge from just one good relationship book back in high school, I think the course of my life would have been radically different. I can also vouch for the differences in thinking between the sexes playing a tremendous role in relationship difficulty. The best thing anyone can do for themselves and their love life is to go after that relationship education, even if you get it from a public library. It’s just not information that we’re taught growing up.
Ari Koinuma

Feb 11 09, 6:17 pm PST

3
Wow, I didn’t know about those hormones during sex. So abstaining does have a merit on that level, in addition to other benefits….

ari
Nathalie Lussier

Feb 11 09, 6:25 pm PST

4
I learned so much through this article. Although I’m currently in a great relationship, it is always interesting to find out how others meet their ideal person.

It’s funny you mention your MR list, since that’s pretty much how I met my boyfriend. I wrote a detailed list, put it in an envelope, and literally forgot about it. Then a few months later I kept getting asked out by new people, and I had to choose between one. The one that stood out had almost all the qualities on my list! Stunning, but true story. :) I highly recommend this technique too.

Oh, and I think I experienced similar “drop everything for the other person” episodes. I guess we’re all on our own journeys, right?
Vincent

Feb 11 09, 6:49 pm PST

5
Hi Tina,

“The truth is this perfect person does not exist”

There is the truth and we should start thinking about waiting for the prince or princess in our fairy tale dreams. I like the MR experiment you mentioned and it can really help us have a clear view of what we really want to see in our partner.

Great article Tina, and I got it stumbled, dugg, twittered and mixxed.

Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
marco

Feb 11 09, 7:12 pm PST

6
Hi Tina,

Thanks for the great article. It helps a lot to me since I’m still single and looking for a partner. Wish me luck ( :
Rob

Feb 11 09, 7:13 pm PST

7
Hi Tina,
Excellent post.

I unwittingly did the exercise you describe in your post in 2003 during a seminar. I was asked to describe my ideal life partner, whic I did in every detail as you suggest. Nothing left out.

About 18 months later, whilst travelling 6,000 miles from home in another continent and not looking for love (at least not consciously) I met a woman, we got on great and a further 4 years on from that we are married.

She is the exact match to every detail I described. There is not a single detail missing or different. It is quite incredible even down to what she looks like and the picture I had in my mind.

So I know this works from experience. Of course, what helped me was the fact that I was unattached to the nature of the outcome, seeing as she came along when it was the last thing on my mind.

Thanks Tina.
Avdi

Feb 11 09, 7:19 pm PST

8
I think you’re bang-on about “the one hundred thousand”. Too many people miss that obsess about finding a mythical perfect partner.
Andrea|Empowered Soul

Feb 11 09, 7:55 pm PST

9
The amazing thing about relationships is that we can learn so much about ourselves through who we attract into our lives. Every single relationship, good, bad, long, short, all serve as a mirror for us, so that we can learn about ourselves!

I’m at the beginning of a new relationship right now - woo hoo! I’ll own that I very consciously manifested this person into my life. It’s great! :-)

Blessings,
Andrea
Fuzzy
Feb 11 09, 9:21 pm PST

10
I think sometimes people over think things. This is one of those things. I don’t know how to explain it.
Maybe the saying “you don’t look for true love - true love will find you”.
I fell in love with someone who I thought was a snob/jerk. He smiled one day I fell head over heels. It hasn’t been a cake walk, but it is fantastic.
I also found that things I thought were important before I got into this relationship didn’t matter as much. So if I were to make a list of “must haves” before I met my husband I might have never found my true love!

Sometimes you just have to go for it and let your instinct guide you.
Eemo
Feb 12 09, 1:10 am PST

11
Thanks for this Tina,

Oddly enough, i just decided last night to myself i was going to do this, and here you are in the universe typing it up! :)
Aw Guo

Feb 12 09, 1:38 am PST

12
Whooooh, Tina you are so professional.

For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

Totally agree.

But .. just a simple suggestion, why not support Gravatar in your comments :)
Sunny Jamiel

Feb 12 09, 3:40 am PST

13
I liked your in-depth and inside-out approach. Basically finding love starts with finding your Self first as you pointed out. That realizations leads you on the path towards finding anything, not only love.

Keep up the good work.
Frances

Feb 12 09, 5:59 am PST

14
Tina,
You’ve done a fantastic job of explaining this process. I’ve been working on the personal development part of this for a few months now. I’m finding that I feel much better when I’m focusing on myself, rather than focusing on actively looking for that special someone. I know that even if I’m alone, at least I’m doing what I want to do for myself in the meantime. While love hasn’t walked into my life yet, I’m confident that when I’m ready for it, it will. Thanks so much for reminding me that I’m on the right path.
Ria

Feb 12 09, 7:33 am PST

15
Wow, Tina! You addressed all of the lessons on relationships I’ve learned to date… but in a much more articulate and organized way than I. This post is required reading, regardless of whether you are single or married, in a relationship or not. FIRST, LOVE YOURSELF!

Great job! Glad I subscribe and found you in my G.Reader today.
Dee

Feb 12 09, 7:44 am PST

16
This is another great post, I appreciate the level of detail you go into. What I’m continuously fascinated by is how to grow old with someone. So many couples break up, so many people settle… what if “forever” doesn’t work? What if we fall in and out of love every few years, like the four or seven years it takes to raise one or two babies until they’re out of the diapers? Can humans transcend the biology and chemistry, or is the whole romantic notion an illusion, unnecessary for the survival of the species, and thus best kept to novels and films?
:-)
Shun Jian | RichGrad.com

Feb 12 09, 7:48 am PST

17
With V-day around the corner… This is a very apt post indeed…

Thanks for sharing your story =)
tom

Feb 12 09, 7:56 am PST

18
This is great, it’s what I have been talking about for a few weeks now.

We are so insecure that we go out finding someone else that will accept and approve us for who we are not. We think that someone else will solve our problems and in the end both people end up getting hurt.

This is great I will feature this article in my top 10 list next week.

thank you
Anonymous
Feb 12 09, 8:14 am PST

19
Greatly written blog - however, the one, very, very big problem I personally have with it is that it takes fundamentally complex issues, and breaks them apart into extremely simple, even primitive, logical and clear set of answers. In other words, it takes a highly complex topic with multitudes of various aspects and shades of grey, and presents them as if “no, really, it’s not complex at all, here’s a simple set of steps to follow and all of your problems will be solved” type-of-thing. Which is clearly not true.

It’s not that most of what’s written here is wrong - quite the contrary. It’s just that it seems written on a very simplistic level. Too logical and too broken down. Pre-chewed, so to speak. And to me, it seems that these conclusions are only worthwhile if one has reached them him- or herself, and not read them on the internet.

Take this topic for example - while I agree with most logic and ideas written here, if I were to logically apply this process as described I would never, ever, find my soulmate as I did. If someone asks me why I am with that person, I wouldn’t be able to give many logical answers - it’s something you feel deep inside, on a subconscious level. And it has nothing to do with the conscious criteria I can logically describe.

I understand that most of you probably won’t agree with me here, and would reason that if at least someone finds a blog like this helpful, it is worth being written. Which is also true in my opinion. But it still irritates me beyond belief to read something multi-sided and complex broken down to highly black-and-white, simplistic and spoon-fed principles. Just a personal opinion, nothing more. :)
chanida noy
Feb 12 09, 9:00 am PST

20
tina, you are so insightful. this brings me better perspective for this valentine’s weekend! thank you :-)
RoS

Feb 12 09, 9:37 am PST

21
Not a doubt as to why I love your website. I am not usually the type to leave a comment on anyone’s blog, so this is kinda big deal for me. I suppose I am doing this out of selfish motives, as I find myself on the crossroads here.

I met my (ex) girlfriend while we were studying in UK in 2006. I remember the day correctly; it was 2 weeks before Valentine’s Day and we had planned a night out of drinking as our first date (very cheesy!). My ol’ fashioned self could ignore the fact that I was getting to take someone out on my first, first date. Anyways, it was a wonderful night and it felt like we connected instantly, although I am the shy type. Our relationship lasted for about 2.5 years when both of us could not hold on to our jobs in UK. So, I had to come back home and she followed suit. We promised each other to never part with each other, at least as friends, which is why we try and keep in touch on a regular basis. It’s now been over 4 months since we left each other. Me have agreed to not let our friendship be defined as love and that is helping us get through days.

Wait a second! A bit about me before I get to my problem. I come from a typical orthodox family, and have to my credit many firsts in the family. I was the first to leave for a residential school when I was 10. I was the first to study abroad in my family. I was also the first to stay abroad for a long period of time, 3 years to be exact. Now, I am by no means an orthodox type. I don’t believe in any such thing. I am pretty open minded and like to have control over my own life (which is apparently seen as a negative in a joint family). So, here is the problem. Lately, I have been getting really frustrated of the way people treat me in the family. I have been trying hard to advance the business but my new ideas don’t get much of support from anyone, including my dad. All this has made me very rebellious and wanting to leave, citing higher education as an excuse. My frustration is only lessened when I speak to my (ex) girlfriend and vent all my problems to her (and she is an excellent listener). I get a feeling that this frustration of mine has made me more emotionally attached to her. I am pretty sure if you ask her if she felt the same, she would deny it cause we both know we cannot stay together (because of our cultural differences). But now, because of the situations surrounding me, I am always looking out for her to hear me. I long for her even more now. I care less about our cultural divide and feel more closer to her. I now get the feeling that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I have been thinking about her since we parted in October but now it has only worsened. I am unsure I am running away from something stupid or walking towards something I love?
Jamin Shoulet
Feb 12 09, 10:12 am PST

22
Thank you so much for the article. I have been reading your site for some time now, but only now decided to say thank you for your insight and wisdom.

I’m starting to go through a divorce right now and I’m going through so many different feelings, which make it hard to focus on what is important in my life. this article certainly puts everything in a better perspective.
sea

Feb 12 09, 10:53 am PST

23
this article truly helping my love
Arvind

Feb 12 09, 11:15 am PST

24
Tina,

As always, I found this post very objective and informative. If there was ever such a thing as a steps to find love, this would be it.

However, I would like to add that, love often tends to be much more complex and random than stated above. I do agree with your point of view that loving yourself is the first step (and a very important one) in this process of finding love but it is hard to define what exactly means by ‘loving yourself truly’.

From my personal experience I have found that there is never really any one thing/ few points that works or doesn’t work. Also, society & time seems to play a much bigger part in this landscape than people give credit for. The way I see it, it’s one of those primal qualities in humans that hasn’t really changed much over a vast period of evolution and is still ranges from 1-255 shades on a gray scale of which we may only be aware of a few.
Karl Staib - Work Happy Now

Feb 12 09, 11:21 am PST

25
I found the love of my life, but no one is perfect for each other. There are always disagreements and problems. What makes people compatible is how they work through their issues and make the relationship stronger.

Great article. I especially love the part of loving yourself. Once you respect your own thoughts and emotions it makes it that much easier to respect someone else’s.
Glen Allsopp

Feb 12 09, 11:30 am PST

26
Huuuuuge, but good article Tina. I found your part about orgasms interesting, so that’s why I’m such a good catch :P

Haha

Cheers,
Glen
Marc and Angel Hack Life

Feb 12 09, 12:18 pm PST

27
My number one tip would be:

Give things a chance!

Most poeple give up before the relationship begins.

;-) Stumbled.
Trina

Feb 12 09, 12:50 pm PST

28
Self acceptance is so vital with any relationship. It is going to be difficult to love someone else if you can’t even like yourself. Learn to give yourself the same break that you give others and you’ll see that you are pretty cool after all!

Thanks as always!
ed

Feb 12 09, 12:54 pm PST

29
Great article. Remembering that self acceptance isn’t an automatic hook-up pass can be tough. The universe might have other lessons to teach first!
Asianmommy

Feb 12 09, 2:43 pm PST

30
So true–love yourself first. Don’t hang on to relationships that don’t work for you. There is no perfect person, but there are a lot of potential great fits.
Scott

Feb 12 09, 3:46 pm PST

31
Thank you Tina. All of these ring true and I have definitely been guilty of some of the things you watch out for. Something that I have found to be incredibly helpful and almost soothing is keeping good relations with ex’s. I still remain friends (if not good friends) with just about everyone I have dated. There is of course a decent period of hard feelings after a breakup but once the emotion is past, I am a firm believer of being friendly. Who knows, maybe this could cause jealousy issues with someone involved in one of the relationships but so far it has been great and felt like the only right way way to go about it. My girlfriend of 6 years feels the same what, which makes a big difference as well.

The way I see, I spent many months or even years getting to know a person better than most anyone else so why just throw that away if it does not work romantically? Doesn’t make sense to me. The more friends and connections the better.

Happy day of love!

Scott
Mona

Feb 12 09, 4:13 pm PST

32
tina, you are amazing! such clarity and articulation!

i’m luck that i’ve been in a great relationship for the past 20 years. all your suggestions apply for maintaining a great relationship…starting with loving myself. as for the sex part, it really does get better and better the more you work on yourself and are happy…
Sara at On Simplicity

Feb 12 09, 4:25 pm PST

33
“…there is an ingredient of magic in finding love.” Ain’t that the truth?

Being ready to be happy on your own–potentially for the rest of your life–is one of the most freeing experiences. I do feel that I couldn’t love my husband like I do if wasn’t ready to live life on my own. With that in place, I choose to love the hell out of him every day.

I do think that minimum requirements change, though. There are some things I thought I needed when I was single. I thought I would never be truly happy without them. But when you meet someone whose a great fit, you might find that your needs change. So while being treated well and having compatibility should never come off the list, things like marriage and children just might. Finding true love opens doors you might not have known were even there…
Teri Mai

Feb 13 09, 3:59 am PST

34
I like the last paragraph the most!:o) I believe very much in the ingredient of magic. And I believe in becoming the most outstanding person possible. I will copy this paragraph into my notebook with my favourite quotes:o) Thanks Tina!
Martin

Feb 13 09, 8:43 am PST

35
Great article.
To true love yourself first. Self acceptance is so vital with any relationship.

Excelent site.

Martín
Jonathan | EnlightenYourDay.com

Feb 14 09, 3:27 pm PST

36
Well thought out and informed article on love. I enjoyed the read, my favourite part was the “A few words on sex”, and the hormone called oxytocin . Thanks
Jonathan
Rosabel

Feb 14 09, 7:35 pm PST

37
This is one of the best articles I’ve read! It gives me lots of guidelines and courage. I’m getting out from my so called “relationship” with this man that I thought “He is the one!”.
Arswino

Feb 14 09, 7:36 pm PST

38
Hi Tina, I love this part : we cannot truly allow others to love us, until we first love ourselves. I think it is the foundation of love indeed.
Thank you for sharing with us. :)
Frank Wong

Feb 15 09, 9:08 am PST

39
Great article Tina.

For me is just make it simple, true love is from our side. When you already have a commitment, just give your love.

Love,
Frank
Teh Will

Feb 15 09, 5:21 pm PST

40
Great article, but:
Screw the lists and start out with every single Self-Esteem book, workshop, seminar, class, therapist, you can get your hands on until that issue’s fixed. ->THEN you’ll feel confident being assertive.

Clarify + Articulate, BUT then ‘forget’ them. Otherwise, it comes off as “Agenda-Lady’s Instruction Methodology for Robot Husbandry & Intercourse”.
There is more un-pre-definable Mojo+value to an organic human being than: 1 from Column A + 2 from Column B. (insert Hamlet quote here)

***Though, I Do realize society and biology are very very very hard on women for relationships, marriage and children. -fair play there.

As far as feeling early attachment anxiety; you are not responsible to anyone but yourself.
If you’re on Date 5 and it’s not a match: Stop; call it like it is; and Change it to a friendship. No Guilt. Move on. +You’re saving both parties.

+++++On the Other Extreme, though: If someone brought up marriage and kids on the Date 1 with me, there would be a cloud of smoke and a set of tire marks on the street as I did a Steve McQueen burnout right out of there.
[or: At least buy me a drink before you #%$@ me. –Am I an Object in a construction blueprint; or a human being?]

The other thing about [the call to] Lists is they [can] invite Wildly Unrealistic Perfectionist Narcissism, as discussed in a post about a woman who felt ‘settling’ was ~dating anyone poorer than Bill Gates: http://jezebel.com/360574/lower-your-standards-bitch

Many women are spoiled for choice and attention from men and don’t realize, as one very cool girl there said ~,
“If I ran into some perfect millionaire who looked like George Clooney, what the hell would he be doing hanging out with me? Each one of us deserves to be hanging out with someone precisely as #%$@-ed up as we are.”

In Math, 2+2=4. In Biology, 2+2=5.
So take those lists with a grain of salt, or you may ‘get what you wish for’ but still end up with problems; -just a different kind.

PS: Good On’Ya for knocking Scarcity Mentality!!!
-Men are routinely brainwashed to think any beautiful girl is impossibly rare, automatically virtuous, and immediately worship-worthy b/c of how she looks. -Instead of thinking there are 100ks out there and they’re all as imperfect as me.
Jared

Feb 18 09, 9:30 am PST

41
I was unable to have truly healthy and rewarding relationships until I learned how to have a loving one with myself.

I had a life coach/spiritual adviser assign me a task of writing down on paper my idea relationship. On completion, I had a page filled with what I perceived to be my perfect match. We then went through and counted the number of “I’s”–I had 26 of them. My whole life I was always looking at relationships from a “what’s in it for me” perspective. Conversely, I attracted the same type of person. From James Allen in As A Man Thinketh, “Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” At this point I had one failed marriage to my resume.

This led to a long process of redefining my values and self-perception. I learned to love myself for who I was, faults and all. My wife and I met two years ago next week. We met through an online dating service. We didn’t spend a lot of time instant messaging or talking on the phone, we met face-to-face immediately. Through experience we each new that by spending long hours texting or talking you get somewhat personally invested. Then upon meeting, if there is no chemistry, it makes a clean break and honesty more difficult. We met two hours after initially making contact online. We talked for eight hours straight, we shared everything immediately. I personally laid it all out on the table, everything I had done I was ashamed of and proud of in my life. I knew I had to be accepted for who I was, because I had come to accept myself for who I was. We both had been through some hard things in our lives and had just arrived at this same point and time together.

Today I know I had to do a million things wrong to get to this perfect place in life. And I’m grateful for everyone one of them.

We got married on 12/02/09.

My advice, know how to love yourself first, be open to love, and love will find you.
Renee

Feb 18 09, 7:38 pm PST

42
Thank you for the wonderful article. A big part of the trouble with relationships today, as you point out, is that people do not love themselves. I give out lots of advice on the topic and that is what I find too. Helping someone find that child who had been hurt or ignored and helping them to love that child is often a key part of restoring a healthy self-love.
Saili

Feb 20 09, 1:07 pm PST

43
I stumbled onto this blog and absolutely loved it. I am at the crossroads of life myself, where I am looking to settle down.

Everything written here is simple and straight forward. Something we all know deep down, but miss out on it in our daily routine…

Passed it on to some of my friends too…

nicely written.

- Saili
Ariel

Feb 21 09, 12:42 am PST

44
Great stuff, Tina! I’ve used this list idea several times repeatedly with shockingly excellent success. It’s crazy how good this works and I totally recommend it. What I’m finding is that with each relationship I’m finding some sticking points that I’m not willing to settle for and need to update my list.

It’s nice knowing that this list works so well and it’s my go-to plan when I’m ready to attract a wonderful new girlfriend into my life. :)

Your suggestion to cross out the MR’s was pretty interested. I’d never thought about that, but it does help lighten up on the ideal of perfection.

I also really liked your suggestion to be very upfront and honest and open with what you’re looking for. Clarity and directness in this area is sooo important! :)
Bart

Feb 21 09, 7:05 am PST

45
Love it, good work Tina.
Paul Maurice Martin

Feb 25 09, 10:34 am PST

46
“Love yourself first” - right on. I think many people don’t even really get to know themselves before they begin bouncing from one relationship to the next, which can actually be a distraction…

Living alone for a few years when I was first on my own was an invaluable experience.
charlene

Feb 28 09, 7:13 am PST

47
Okay, so first of all this is an excellent post, and necessary for all those who are on this endless search to finding true love and a husband, and for all those who are hanging unto men who don’t truly tickle their fancy for fear of not ending up with someone in the end…

I must say that I like you, after a series of hurts and pains and wondering why don’t u like me the way i like u’s, it was GOD that took me on the hiatus and wonderful journey of loving myself, and being content in HIM and by myself, and truly showed me the happiness of loving ME and enjoying ME time and getting to know and develop myself. I also began to read lots of books about that whole lifestyle of singleness and I found in one of them the suggestion of making a HIM list. Which is, in essence, the very MR list you spoke about…and it encourages you to be specific, spelling out every detail necessary, much like your post suggests as well.

I decided I would do it, because I’m a picky camper! So i made my Him list and needless to say, I’m married now …and after 1 yr and 5 1/2 mths of being married, i found my old diary in which i wrote my HIM list and decided to read it. I was so amazed…I had to read it to my husband. All in all, It was like I was describing him, without him even being in my life… I mean down to the very details…like his HEIGHT…and his whims…it was a jaw-dropping moment for me and I had to truly give God thanks! So…you are absolutely on the ball with this one and I’m glad you made this post! :)
Tina
Mar 09 09, 3:57 pm PDT

48
Hi Tina
I’ve heard about your site from a friend and I must say that I found it really interesting. You put the ideas in such a clear way… I’m glad for having visited your site. :-)
Tina
brownin329
Mar 13 09, 6:03 pm PDT

49
okay…now I have been hearing this nonsense for years and you know what? Now I need to speak up because people need to know the truth!

I am so tired of these “articles” I don’t know what to do (sigh).

The truth is not that if you love yourself someone will come into your life. Life doesn’t work that way nor should it. If that was the case, a heck of a lot more people would be alone.

The truth is…get ready for it…is that if you have access to a wide range of people and they have access to you, you increase your odds of finding someone, loving yourself or not.

The chief ingredient is being social. You can be a complete sarcastic sourpuss and if you are in a group you are much more likely to find someone to be in a relationship with. And even be happy with!

Every pot, as my mother says, has a lid; some pots remain without lids for years but eventually they get covered with something. Yes, even if you’re a miserable, sarcastic, ironic, depressing sack of ^&%$#@, you can find love. I have seen this with my own eyes and sometimes I can’t even believe it. But yet, there for the grace of God…

Life is too random and chaotic to fit these perfect “cliches” about how to find someone. If you all thought about it, you’d realize the way you “found” someone or were “found” wasn’t so perfect either. But we as humans tend to make neat patterns out of events that are not so neat. We should stop but we can’t help it. It is part of being human.

I hope that the person reading the previous posts and trying not to throw up now knows he/she has a post that supports their viewpoint.

You’re welcome.

And STOP buying self-help books, they only “help” the author and waste trees.
christine
Mar 16 09, 9:27 am PDT

50
they say dont seek for love for it will find you,it doesnt work for me. in my 22 years of existence in this world i got tired of waiting.whenever im outside i always felt the emptiness inside of me, but after reading your article i am in a way enlightened. thank you….. and oh i can not help myself but wish that “someone out there will find me”. :)
Chris

Apr 19 09, 5:54 pm PDT

51
Tina,

I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and I love all of your posts, but I have to be honest and say this one sucks.

Your list theory tries to turn finding love into science. The no sex until someone someone fits all your MR thing sounds like a recipe for a pretty boring sex life, and the statement of intention (”are you ok with that timeline”) on the first date just sounds creepy. Like really creepy.

To be totally honest, even if your ‘timeline’ fit my plans perfectly, I’d think you were off your head for coming out with that on the first date. You see - one of the things I look for in a girl is someone who is well balanced and socially well adjusted - and asking a question like that on the first date would certainly suggest to any potential suitor that you’re not!

Yes, love yourself. The rest of this is only great if you want to scare off any decent guys who might come into your life.
Chashmish
Apr 25 09, 10:16 am PDT

52
believe in ur self!!!!
As life is all about moving on and if hurdles dont come in the path of our life than how we will improve our capabilities and how we will learn to live throughtout!!!!!!
nasim
Apr 30 09, 8:18 am PDT

53
hi im 26 years old,i loved someone and we have relationship but when i said to him i take a pill for my stress he left me.he thoght that im mad.also with this pill i cant become pregnance.i am disappointed. i m alone.what should i do??
dadshouse

May 01 09, 10:54 am PDT

54
I agree with much of what you wrote initially, that you shouldn’t attach yourself to the external appearance of your relationship. It only leads to depression. (btw - I see we’ve read some of the same spiritual and motivational authors: Tolle, Robbins, Millman, Gladwell, The Secret)

But you then seem to contradict that with your listing specific details of what you want in your partner. Isn’t that determining a manifest form to which you want to attach yourself?

Have you read Florence Scovel Shinn’s “The Game of Life and How to Play it?” She wrote back in the 1920’s, and she reminds us to focus on the feelings we want to experience, and let the universe manifest forms for us. Those forms may not always be what we thought ahead of time.

For instance - why do you have a dealbreaker that your partner has to be able to dance well? What’s the corresponding feeling you hope to experience? What if you find this dancing partner, but then he loses his legs in a freak accident. Won’t that mess up your attachment? Won’t those feelings of well-being crash into depression?

I can see how your method of clearly identifying the forms you want will lead you to find those forms everywhere. But I think you are setting yourself up for new attachments in your life.
Tim

May 05 09, 9:56 am PDT

55
Hi Tina —

You say:
For a man, the effects of this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14 days.

You should also note that different people have different oxytocin receptor subtypes, and different levels of hormone in the blood after sex. The hormone acts in various ways, including modulating activity in the prefrontal cortex, which in turn seems to decrease your ability to critically analyze / see faults in a lover. It’s not good nor bad, just a feature of our physiology.

Some men (myself included) don’t really get this strong oxytocin effect. I gather this from talking with my friends - some of them were commenting how intense the connection feels after sex, whereas I usually feel like … eating breakfast. That said, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything; I love women a lot! And ‘hormonal connection’ is not synonymous with ‘emotional connection’ or ‘happiness’.

Thank you for the blog, have fun, and beautiful wedding pics you have here :-)

T
Sebastyne

May 09 09, 2:59 am PDT

56
To me you hit the nail in the head in the beginning of your article; Your parents probably weren’t relationship experts, and you didn’t study relationships at school. That is a real problem. We DON’T KNOW what we want when we go out into the world to look for love. We have ideas about those grandiose love affairs of the movies, but what about real life? What happens after the boy gets the girl and all the drama is over? How do you actually BE happy after you find the one you’re looking for? To most of us, it is the thrill of the chase rather than actually wanting the relationship, and the biggest rush isn’t love, but the eternal question of will he confirm that I’m worth loving or will he not? When he does, it’s a big buzz for about a week, but by the following weekend we need a new fix… Thinking we want a relationship with this guy, but in reality we just want a validation of acceptance on his part.
A.S
May 11 09, 6:23 pm PDT

57
This was an amazing article, and I stumbled upon it at the perfect time. Thank you so much!
anita tamang
May 15 09, 3:28 am PDT

58
i love her much more and the reason behind that is she is beautiful good behavour and lovely girls
Find your love match

Jun 03 09, 6:40 pm PDT

59
Love it, good work Tina.
Sarah
Jun 04 09, 10:42 am PDT

60
Thank you so much! I am having relationship problems at the moemnt and reading this helped a lot! thanx
Dr Vincent
Jun 23 09, 6:18 pm PDT

61
Dear Tina,

Thanks for the article. I definitely am dependent on the significant other for self-worth. Which perhaps is funny to think that way because I have so much to offer (committed, compassionate, doctor, artist, rock climber, surfer, multi-cultural, etc.); however, I do put my life on the backseat for every girl of my interest. And worse of all, I seem to only find girls afar interesting while girls near me the opposite. After reading your article, I believe my image of the perfect match may be too unrealistic = me never happy with the girl nearby. I instead seek out a girl afar, which allows for me to fill in the mystery of her = make her into my perfect desire. And I know that even any girl near or far will not match what I had conjured up. And so you are correct in your article on this matter, but I fear my old habit will die hard. I feel like I am myself my own patient. I hope I can eventually break this habit. Either way, I will stop looking for the girl, near or far. My career and everything must come first. And I hope what people say is true. That love will appear when least expected.
puja
Jul 09 09, 9:13 am PDT

62
hi tina can i have your email so i can ask you a few questions please ?
Baaba Jamal

Jul 23 09, 8:17 pm PDT

63
I want to thank you very much for this article site.Infact am back on my fit to love myself more than ever before looking back to love other people in my life.I truelly believe that there is time for evberything which i believe that one day by the HOOK am going to come across the right person who can easily understand and truelly love me for who i am.I find it hard to love again but with all due of respect i have for LOVE am going to give my heart again one day.Time is what we have to look forward to.Love is full of happiness and joy may everyone surely come across it one day through the hands of our endouring father lord.AMEN. By Baaba Jamal (Alias Armsstrong)
amrinder
Aug 18 09, 9:44 pm PDT

64
great !!!! thanks for giving me such agreat advice to become a extraorinary persone and now I will do same and i will get my true love !!!!! If there is some beautyful girl who know actualy that what is true love can contect me on my number !!!! from India you can call me at this number 00380936649231 !!!!!! remember one thing that I want to marry an angel !!!!!!!!
nora
Oct 20 09, 6:28 am PDT

65
Love so much to the article!! amazing! Thank so much. I will 26 years soon. This article help me much to get my soulmate.
Brandon

Nov 13 09, 2:37 pm PST

66
They say the key to the heart is good cooking. So I have come up with a game plan for the perfect romantic dinner for any occasion. Quick and easy and you can say you did it on your own. For the guys out there trying to land that special girl then follow this step by step. This should keep you in good favor with the particular female and if you’re in the dog house it sure as hell will get you out of it.
Austin
Feb 06 10, 9:09 pm PST

67
Beautiful insight. I was enraptured, almost having found a key to a door ive been knocking for quite a while.

Your Thoughts?

Add A Comment

We'd love to hear them! Please share:

Trackbacks (7)

A Flowering of Affection | .the princess portal. - Feb 12 09
Top 10 valuable posts week 3 - Feb 18 09
Yup, I Got Hitched! | ThinkSimpleNow.com - Apr 09 09
Smile and the World Smiles with You « Sushi Zume Tokyo - Apr 16 09
Stone Age Cures For Depression | Zen to Fitness - Jun 02 09
Your Beauty and Fitness » Blog Archive » Stone Age Remedies For Feeling Down - Jun 03 09
Thing #15 | Web 2.0 Learning & Reflections - Aug 07 09

Think Simple Now. A Blog on Creativity, Productivity, and Happiness.

How to Find True Love

74 Comments

Personal Story

Problematic Relationship Patterns

Who Is Your Ideal Mate?

Identifying Must-Haves

The Selection Process

Love Yourself First

Forgiving Our Ex’s

A Few Words On Sex

Parting Words

74 Responses (67 Comments, 7 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Your Thoughts?

Add A Comment

Trackbacks (7)

Reader Favorites

Latest Posts

Categories

My Sites

Other Featured Sites

Top Commentators

What I'm Reading Now

Recently Read

Must Read Books