How to Get Over Breakups

72 Comments

Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind romantically blowing through your hair. And usually, when love ends, it feels as if you’ve been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something … anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering on the earth below.

Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

With so much emotion invested and our identities tied in with these experiences, it’s no wonder that this is the number one topic requested by readers. Over the past year, I have regularly received email from readers sharing their own takes on painful breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of resentment. Although the stories were different, the underlying message was universal and one in the same, “I am in so much pain from not being with this person - what can I do?“

Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship. This article focuses on the healing process from “love lost”.

Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

I categorize myself as a very passionate and emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly and cripplingly intense.

In fact, my journey into personal growth began when I was confronted by a painful breakup five years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - the only personal development book I had heard of, at the time. Although I would recommend a different book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this book introduced me to new concepts that helped me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry for more.

Over the next few years, it was through dealing with recurring relationship issues that I experienced several rewarding revelations and was able to trigger several major growth spurts in my own self-improvement. While these emotionally-infused episodes of “love lost” might have seemed unbearably painful at the time of happening, they were also the catalyst for personal growth, and played a critical role in my becoming a more wholesome and complete person.

The Origins of Love and Pain

Before diving into the practical how-to of healing, let’s first look at what love is, where it comes from, and why we experience so much pain when it ends.

Photo: melissa

I believe that love is a universal energy infused in all forms of life. It is something that lies within the core of every one of us. When we are in a state of conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.

Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected by this unifying and essential energy of life - love. We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep connection through various and accidental happenstances, such as:

A gratifying and intimate conversation with another person. Sharing and expressing your thoughts honestly and openly.
Creative expressions such as playing music, writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or even computer programming.
Meditation, prayers or communing with your chosen religious group.
Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or while sitting by the bed of a river flowing beautifully in front of you.
During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written about this.)

When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty that’s already within us.

Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can - at last - keep this heightened feeling forever.

The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed, becomes a source of self identification that artificially justifies who we are as physical beings. We become attached to the fixed idea of how our relationship should go and our ego quickly becomes the main investor in this fund of a relationship.

The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change - not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on.

When it’s time to move on, we hold onto this invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated form of how things should be. We unconsciously and instinctively fall into the false believe that we must stop the love when we are no longer romantically involved.

Because we attribute love as being ‘to’ this other person external to us, pain happens when we forcefully try to kill the love, which is actually within us.

Let’s repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill the love that’s within us.

When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding. Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the stabbing, to stop the pain.

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

“When it comes to love,
you need not fall but rather surrender,
surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
before you can absolutely trust another
and most importantly you must accept your flaws
before you can accept the flaws of another.“
~ Philosophy: Falling in Love

My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is the same as the one for finding love: to love yourself, first.

In previous relationships, we probably depended on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel special, to make us whole and complete. Our self-worth may have been wrapped up in how much attention our partner gave us. This is a ‘lose-lose’ formula that works against our personal happiness, because it relies heavily on external circumstances beyond our control and is not sustainable in the long term.

Truth is, nothing external to us can give us the security we need. Only we can give that to ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves completely.

By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in pain when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. Even when you don’t explicitly speak about it, something in the grace of your movement will spread that message to others, like a summer breeze softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring plants.

7 Tips for Healing

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

1. Letting Go

What would you do if your house was burnt to the ground, and everything you owned was destroyed? I’m sure you’d be frustrated and angry at first, but at the same time, no amount of anger will undo what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is to begin moving on, and working towards creating a new home.

Similarly, when a relationship ends, you’ll want to practice letting go and allowing the healing process to begin quickly.

If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do not dwell on whether the person will come back or not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances are, something is wrong with the fit of your partnership, and you’ll be better appreciated elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my experience).

Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust that this is the best possible thing to happen to you right now, and the reasons will become clear in the future.

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy

We all have the need to be understood and heard. Whether we’re on the receiving end or the initiating end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this extra energy by:

Talking about it with a friend.
Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted energy being released with your voice (seriously, I’ve done a meditation that incorporated this, and I instantly felt better).
Writing in a journal (more on this later).
Exercise and body movement.
Meditating.

3. Love Yourself

The practice of loving yourself is the most important aspect on the road to personal happiness and emotional stability. I’ve personally had my most valuable personal growth spurts during the period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of my life.

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners, to spending every Sunday on my own doing the things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies, to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.

Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving yourself:

Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a date with another person. Put on nice clothes, maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to something delicious, and take long walks under the stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving gratitude to what you see. You don’t need words. Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of love within you. As you are looking into your eyes, look for something you admire about your eyes - maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes. This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first, but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a few minutes every day.
Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different days), put both hands on your chest and say to yourself, “I love you, <insert your name>”. Repeat a few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like about yourself, or things you are good at. Be generous and list many, even if they sound silly. Example, “I love that you always know how to make your salads so colorful and appetizing.”, “I love that you have the discipline to go to the gym regularly, and you really take care of your body.”, “I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk so organized.”
Practice doing things on your own to challenge your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the joy within that experience.

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing forgiveness and open up your heart.

Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and went through a divorce that took him 2 years to emotionally recover from. When asked about how he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of wisdom to convey:

“I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my heart was going to break. Adyashanti says something amazing - when people say, ‘My heart feels like it is going to break.’ He says, ‘Let it break. If you let it really break - really, really break, it will transform you.’”
“LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go of every possible belief or thought that says your ex is anything other than the most incredible, amazing, wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!! That’s how to get over a break-up, really get over it. Anything short of that is not gonna do it.”
“The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I can love her with all my heart and soul and we never have to be together. And when I realized that, I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great. I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of our relationship. All the hurt and anger disappeared. I was free.”

The underlying message of love in Tom’s words is pretty clear and powerful.

Photo: Nathiya Prathnadi

5. Give it Time

It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak through the clouds.

6. Journal Your Experience

Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at your desk or at a café, and write your thoughts and feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop, writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and flow freely, but if you’re stuck, here are some writing exercises you can do:

Drill into the why - Start with a question or statement, and continue to drill into why you feel that way until you have a truthful and satisfying reason. The exercise isn’t to issue blame or blow off steam at someone else. It’s meant to gain clarity and understanding into how you feel, so you can alleviate unnecessary pain. For example, you might start with the statement, “I am in a lot of pain, ouch!”, and your why might be “because she left me”. Now ask yourself, “why does that hurt so much?”, and one possible why might be, “because I feel abandoned”. The following why to “why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?”, “because it makes me feel alone”, etc. More than likely, the real reason has something to do with our own insecurities or fears.
Finding the Lessons - What did you learn from the relationship? What did you learn from the other person? How is your life better because of it? How will your future relationships be better because of it?

7. Read Something Inspirational

Books that deal with our emotions and ego are incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our experiences.

Here are some recommended books:

Parting Words

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a negative connotation and give it the label of a ‘failure’. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both parties likely gained something substantial in either learning about themselves or for the benefit of future partnerships.

“Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.”
-Tom Stine

Capture the beauty of time shared together, and note the valuable life lessons learned. Be thankful for having experienced love, and know that you are a better person because of it.

No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are un-able to handle it.

For those currently in relationships, cherish and honor your partner for who they are as form and formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of change, and dance with the changes and challenges as they come. And when they come, view each one as an opportunity for personal growth - when you do that, nothing is lost.

All is well, and so be it.

** What are your experiences with dealing with breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comment section. See you there!

If you enjoyed the content, please join Think Simple Now on facebook. And we’d love it if you can share this article on StumbleUpon or bookmark it on del.icio.us. Thank you for your support. :)

Other Related Articles You May Like:

External Resources:

Book: The Power of Now
Book: You Can Heal Your Life (Illustrative Edition)
Book: Loving What Is
DVD: You Can Heal Your Life, the movie
Audio CD: Celebrating Love

72 Responses (66 Comments, 6 Trackbacks ):

Comments

Annie Binns

Jan 29 09, 10:02 am PST

1
Tina, what a powerful message! It is so important that people GET that love is not a “thing” out there attached to someone else. You don’t have to turn it into some “thing else” when you end a relationship. Thanks for sharing Tom’s wisdom as well! You both have a very similar message (love and truth), delivered in very different ways (down-to-earth and seriously-deep-thoughts). Having both of you in the same post is a treat!!
Maria | Never the Same River Twice

Jan 29 09, 10:16 am PST

2
Tina, I’ve recently gone through the breakup of an 8 year relationship, so reading this helped me clarify my own issues a bit.

I agree that Loving Yourself is really important, but I think it’s even more important to LET OTHERS LOVE YOU.

Like many people, I have a hard time accepting help or admitting that I’m not strong enough to do something alone, but I’ve really tried to reach out during this time.

As I’ve been talking to friends and family about the end of my relationship, I’ve gotten nothing but love and support. I could never nurture myself to the extent that others have nurtured me recently and it’s helping my recovery tremendously.
Davina

Jan 29 09, 10:56 am PST

3
Hi Tina. This is a beautiful post. Loving yourself is where it all starts on both ends of a breakup. I’ve been in a relationship for years and am not really “in” it anymore. Coming up with the “right” way to end a relationship is one of the most challenging things for me.
Anthony Parkes

Jan 29 09, 11:32 am PST

4
Wow - great timing! I just wrote a similar article myself:

How to Get Over a Failed Relationship

Excellent article - I think that working on your self-esteem during the break-up can avoid unnecessary suffering. And yes, time heals everything.

Thanks!
Anthony
Stephen Martile

Jan 29 09, 12:46 pm PST

5
Ah man, relationships are everything. They really are - whether they are intimate relationships, or business partners or just good’ol relationships with friends.

I was working with a coaching client the other day who has had trouble finding a mate for the past half decade. You know, as we got talking I started to think about the relationship with my wife.

I told her to think of a relationship as a rose. Instead of thinking of what she could get from the relationship, ask herself what she could bring to the relationship.

If you give your best to others, the best will always show up for you.
Corey - Simple Marriage

Jan 29 09, 1:22 pm PST

6
I like the love yourself idea, although this is often hard, since so many people place too much stock in how others love them before they love themselves. It takes great courage to truly take the steps to love yourself, but it’s so worth it.

Thanks for this Tina!
Jessica @ThriveYourTribe

Jan 29 09, 2:02 pm PST

7
Your posts always give me such a profound sense of comfort, Tina. I think what I appreciate most is the way that you bring so much of yourself to them–they’re not a collection of tips that everyone else suggests, but rather what works for you. Thank you!

For me, I find that #4 is so crucial. So often, when people end relationships, they seem to need to deny that there is love and ever was love between them, and when I tried to force myself to do that, it made breakups a lot more painful because it was denying what was true for me. It’s nice to see it on your list.
Alex Kay

Jan 29 09, 3:10 pm PST

8
I just love your perspective on the topic, Tina. I am going to incorporate some of the lessons I learned from this post in my own teachings. So thank you.

In my experience, where most people fail is already at #1. Letting go. In general, people have a hard time letting go simply because they can not accept the fact that it is over.

May all stay well with you!
Alex
Jairo
Jan 29 09, 4:45 pm PST

9
Hi, Tina.

I had a breakup about two years ago and now I’m feeling good - I realized about some of these tips you give by the force of experiencing pain, then grudge, then catharsis and finally peace. Now I remember the wonderful moments in the past, with that person: we loved ourselves - it was like heaven. So I now keep nice memories of that, and I don’t feel it was lost time.

However, prior to this peaceful state I spent a large time period denying my love to myself and to other people. The former relationship ended up with misunderstanding, mistrust and a feeling of betrayal. I received also hard and poisoned words from the other person, just to try keeping me away…

So, thank you for this post. It will help to chase the ghosts of my past. It will lead me to believe in love again.
Nathalie Lussier

Jan 29 09, 6:49 pm PST

10
Breakups affect us all differently. I think being able to “resolve” things is really important. Without forgiveness, we are doomed to keep repeating these events in our mind.

I love how you share with us your most effective tips. They’re really spot on!
Vincent

Jan 29 09, 7:55 pm PST

11
Hi Tina,

Such coincidence! I picked up the the book “7 habits of Highly Effective Teens” during my first break up.

Letting go is definitely an important step to take before we can start mending our broken heart. I agree with you that there is no point thinking about getting back into a relationship if it had ended before because there is already flaws in it and getting back doesn’t mean it will last again. My personal experience stand for it too.

Thanks for the article and it do have great points for helping people to get back on their feet after a failed relationship.

Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
J.D. Meier

Jan 29 09, 10:51 pm PST

12
Love yourself first is a great foundation.

I once found either an article or a book that wrote about the cycle and stages of love. It was eye opening to see how the pattern works. It was also a bit disheartening because the picture it painted didn’t match my expectations.

In the end though I realized that regardless of whether these were named stages, you’re always the most significant meaning maker in your life, and your experience is always what you make of it.
dp
Jan 30 09, 12:34 am PST

13
amazing post…i find it incredibly valuable, and fitting for all kinds of relationships. i am going through an incredibly complex breakup involving my life and biz partner, and this piece has me reevaluating my approach. thank you tina, very wise, very kind, and loving advice.
Prinks
Jan 30 09, 1:13 am PST

14
Its difficult…but possible…Just u have to be a bit selfish after the breakup..Try and do the things which makes u happy….Music best heal…And anyways whatever happens,happens for good….So the one who is not wid u was nvr meant for u…Talk to me,I have several better tips. ;)
zestycook

Jan 30 09, 3:45 am PST

15
Tina, well written article and I cannot agree with you more about loving yourself first! I enjoyed reading this article. Thanks so much.

zesty
Arswino

Jan 30 09, 3:52 am PST

16
Hi Tina, I am always impressed with your writing. How did you get all the knowledge?
In this article, I like the idea of letting go and loving yourself, because they are all about surrender yourself and accept yourself the way you are. I think it is not easy to do all of these.
Thanks for sharing Tina.
Terry Taylor
Jan 30 09, 4:08 am PST

17
Let me start by saying THANK YOU. I never cease being amazed at how the Universe brings me what I need, shows me what will be helpful, in times of need (if I am open enough to accept the gift).

You write incredibly well, and your insight and philosophy is very much in keeping with my own, and my path.

Your latest entry on the pain of emtional break ups really “hit the spot” for me. I’ve been going through a break up of sorts with a friend. Not a lover, but the truths/advice are nonetheless applicable. As I was reading your article, particularly the advice about mirror-work, I kept thinking about Louise Haye, someone who’s teachings I have been working with for 20 years. Then I saw what I consider to be a core text for me, “You Can Heal Your Life”, listed at the end. Such a small text, but one that has had a huge impact on my life. I guess big things do come in small packages.

Thank you for your insights. I am a new reader to your site, but I will keep coming back.

Namaste.

Terry Taylor
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canada.
Raj
Jan 30 09, 4:26 am PST

18
I experienced love for the first time when I met a girl in my office.She used to talk with me and even i liked her company.But she has a boyfriend.It was just a one sided love ,but i can’t help loving her.I am totaly heart broken and shattered.Please advice how to return back to normal life.
Andrea|Empowered Soul

Jan 30 09, 7:41 am PST

19
Tina, this is a fabulous article. I think it’s so important that we recognize love is always available, whether we are in a relationship or not. It’s an infinitely abundant energy stream that we invite another person to share when we go into relationship. And it’s just as abundant when we step out of that relationship.

Great stuff!
Andrea
Rosabel

Jan 30 09, 8:45 am PST

20
Tina, thank you for writing this fantastic post. I love your definition of love. I do agree with you that we need to give us time to accept the reality of broken up and learning to let go of our pain of losing someone dearly in our life.

I remembered my friend told me when I first experienced a break up, “Enjoy the process.”. I did not understand her that time. After going through the process of healing. I have grown so much and become stronger. I’ve learned so much and I really enjoyed the process that brought me who I am today.
Erjola

Jan 30 09, 11:18 am PST

21
Hi Tina, You posts are amazing, I read and read them and every time looks like first time .
How did you get all the knowledge?

Thanks Tina.
Barbara LeFleur
Jan 30 09, 11:55 am PST

22
This was simply an outstanding article, so appropriate, and so true. I would that all people would learn the contents by heart and practice them faithfully every day. Our world would become a paradise in less time that it would take me to say, “Yes we can!”

Thank you so much for writing it
Tina Su

Jan 30 09, 12:33 pm PST

23
Thank you to everyone who’s commented. It makes me really happy that you’ve connected with the article. This was a personal article for me, and one that I’ve been pondering on for several months. And I finally sat down to write this this Tuesday. I deeply enjoyed the experience… it sort of just flowed out.. and all I did was type it out on the computer. :)

@Erjola

I wouldn’t call it knowledge as knowingness we are all aware of deep within each of us. Most of what I wrote about where from personal experiences, some from my studying on relationships (notable with Alison Armstrong), and some from my reading on the human ego (Eckhart Tolle and other authors I’ve listed in recommended reading).

Thanks for asking. :)

@Raj

Please read the article in full. It contains the answer you are seeking. Also, I highly recommend “The Power of Now” book if you haven’t read it.

Warmly,
Tina
Jenna
Jan 30 09, 1:17 pm PST

24
thanks so much this is 100 percent true and exactly what i needed right now!

thanks a million
Steve L
Jan 30 09, 5:15 pm PST

25
Tina,

Thank you so much for the insights. I seriously thank God every time I read this blog. Have you considered writing a book?
Dancing BAG Lady

Jan 30 09, 5:27 pm PST

26
This type of love is so natural. We repell the natural and want to make things so complicated.
Asianmommy

Jan 30 09, 5:55 pm PST

27
It’s so true–that bit about loving yourself first. Only you can complete you.
Davidya

Jan 30 09, 7:57 pm PST

28
Hi Tina
Tom mentioned your article so I came to take a look. Wow- you really got it. Love is. When my marriage broke up, I learned I couldn’t not continue to love her. What I did is ‘generalized’ it a bit, making it less about the person and more about what she’d been for me.

Great advice but self love I had a lot more trouble with. What I found worked for me was gratitude. Reminding myself a few times a day to be grateful for something else. This cultured a better ‘tone’ and space into which periods of forgiveness arose. I was able to let go of holdings in all the relationships in my life. Under that I came to a place where I could forgive myself. Then I could see that there was nothing to forgive.

After peeling some layers to the ‘onion’, a deeper value of the heart was revealed. I was able to clear the ‘crust’ on that as well. That’s when what I call Big L Love begins to dawn. The real, unconditional, unlimited love. The love that infuses and handles everything.

Thank you for helping people down the true journey to love.
Robinoz

Jan 30 09, 10:33 pm PST

29
This is an excellent article. I’m going to put a link to it on my new Alice Springs Friends site.

Robin
Jackie
Jan 30 09, 10:41 pm PST

30
Now you can do what we all do; watch pr0n :D
Thor
Jan 30 09, 11:08 pm PST

31
Lame. Fucking lame touchy-feely, new-age bullshit. Breakups are devastating, and the only thing that will make you feel better is time.
Chris Loft

Jan 30 09, 11:10 pm PST

32
Hey thanks. I think I got something from that. Once I thought that someone had broken my heart. They hadn’t - I had broken it myself. But when I looked deeper, I found that my heart was much bigger and stronger that I thought it was. Now I’m just sad.
Thanks, there were some interesting things in your article that I can relate to.
Chris
Will
Jan 30 09, 11:18 pm PST

33
For me, the thing that finally helped me let go was understanding the origins of the emotion, on a psychological and chemical level. I centered on the question, “Why do you love [x]?” For many, this question is difficult to answer. But it became a question I could answer: one loves another only because of the derived benefits (company, feeling special, favors, etc).

I felt used. I hurt from knowing that I really wasn’t a special person to my ex-lover, but only useful to her for a duration. However, it was a triumph. I knew I would never be able to love someone again. I would never feel the pain of heartbreak again.

And so I moved on to find ways to make myself happy. I achieved more than I ever could deriving happiness from a significant other. My future never looked more promising, and it’s a future without love.
Richard Marks, MA

Jan 31 09, 12:10 am PST

34
Aloha Tina,

Thank you Tina for your insightful and compassionate article on the art of letting go. I have been practicing many of the things you suggest in your article with my wife of 7 years who has informed me that she wants to move on from our marriage.

My mantra with her is:

“I will love you with all my heart no matter what you choose to do”

I have been applying those words to myself as I look in the mirror as well. I have been spraying myself with rose water before I go to sleep, and applying fragrant oils to my feet…I have been falling asleep embracing my head and heart, and my last waking words are “I love you Richard”.

I have also been taking myself out on dates to places that feed and nourish my artistic and creative soul. Katie’s 1000 Names for Joy is my everyday companion as well as the Illuminated Rumi. A friend of mine gifted me with a very sweet book that I never heard of before entitled The Rest Of Your Life- Finding Repose in the Beloved. It is all about connecting with the Beloved One (that we all are).

In closing I’d like to share that one thing that has been incredibly healing for me is working weekly with a breath therapist. It is so easy to forget to breathe deeply when one confronts loss or pain. I find that when I buffer the pain by shallow breath I lose my connection to my heart, my vital essential energy, my feelings and my spirit.

Thank you so very much for the great gift of your article! I am bookmarking it now so I can re read it to remind myself I am on the right track. Your remedy when practiced works miracles and I am loving mySelf and my precious departing wife with my whole heart and soul and wishing her happiness and blessings as she steps out onto her new life path.

with a warm wave of aloha to you~~~

Richard Marks, MA
Ken
Jan 31 09, 12:20 am PST

35
The timing of this is perfect for me. My own insecurities are at the root of many of my relationship issues. I don’t expect an answer to this, but maybe it will be cathartic to ask: If, after 35 years of looking, the person who has recently left your life is the only one you’ve ever met that encapsulated traits you’ve desired greatly, never before seen, and had given up hope in finding, what do you do? Personal consolation has its limits and the resulting sorrow seems limitless in its affect and span.
Chase

Jan 31 09, 12:23 am PST

36
Wow…I really disagree with this article and after reading it in its entirety, plus reading every comment before mine, I’m apparently the only one who feels this way. You make love sound like such a selfish thing, something that is never shared, only kept inside yourself. Contrary to your article, love IS given, and when love is also returned, the combined loves create a new entity, an entity that is more than the sum of it’s parts. The way you write about it, as long as I love myself, I can interchange who I’m with at any given time and still be the same. But you can’t be the same. Every couple has their own unique bond. Like snowflakes, each is different, yet all are beautiful. To replace a partner and expect that snowflake to be the same is ludicrous. These unique bonds are what make breakups so hard. After a breakup, that bond vanishes and the energy you put into creating and maintaining that bond has left you feeling empty. There are a multitude of factors in the amount of time it takes to replenish that energy, but when you are full again, you will again be able to convert that energy into love and give it to another.
KLK
Jan 31 09, 12:30 am PST

37
Great call on the Power of Now - it transformed my life. Get the audiobook and listen to the first 3-4 chapters on repeat, it’s all you need.
Surly McSorly
Jan 31 09, 1:20 am PST

38
I really enjoyed this read. I think it could of helped me once or twice. Reading it made me look back at a hard break up and compare what I did to what you suggest. I found that I did a lot of those things… eventually and the hard way.

I agree that relationships are a circle. But can you step outside that circle?

In my life and experience I’ve decided that that flight - oh so high - in the sky is not worth the fall down. I’ve worked very hard staying out of that circle and I have been happily alone for two years. Recently, a hint of a relationship started and I felt sick. Even lost sleep when I realized it was a true possibility.

Tina - Do you think you can completely remove yourself from that circle?
(And I do love myself. That’s why I’m happy.)
How to earn money

Jan 31 09, 3:55 am PST

39
What an amazing article! Congrats on writing such a classic post.
Farzad
Jan 31 09, 4:35 am PST

40
Hey Tina,

although I am in the peaceful and good state already, I bookmarked this article so I can send it to my friends in the future should they need it (and I know the time will come). Thanks!

I’d like to add something: There is a brilliant movie that had a surprisingly soothing effect on me right after my last and at that time really painful) breakup.

It’s called “Me and You and Everyone We Know”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0415978/
everyone should watch it.
Jhn Woods
Jan 31 09, 5:06 am PST

41
Just get over it, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

RT
Tom Delorean
Jan 31 09, 5:23 am PST

42
You can love yourself all you want, but if you’re a loser, other people will still see you that way. Life is unfair. Some people just have really bad DNA or permanently messed-up personalities. That is reality.

Attempting to frame your emotional life with cliches and self-help psychobabble is a form of self-deception. Human sexual relationships are fundamentally driven by genetically-imprinted mating impulses. Over millenia the concept of ‘love’ has become loaded with expectation through human civilization’s incessant compulsion to make existence seem more consequential and our behavior less ’savage’.

I admire your effort and genuinity, but in the kindest possible way I suggest that you re-examine your fundamental beliefs and assumptions on this topic before dishing out more advice for others.
Emotional Freedom

Jan 31 09, 5:50 am PST

43
thanks so much this is 100 percent true and exactly what i needed right now!
Dearly Yours

Jan 31 09, 7:45 am PST

44
Very insightful. Very true. Lost love is like a death. We must be good to ourselves, because at the end of the day, we are our own best friends.
Serj
Jan 31 09, 10:04 am PST

45
if any of you find true love, give me a call. cause I still haven’t found it
Austin Hook
Jan 31 09, 10:31 am PST

46
The ideas presented here about dealing with lost love are quite good. I have a challenge: what advice can you tell someone before experiencing a first major romance to help their resilience later if necessary, without taking away from the beauty of the original experience.

It’s so hard to conceive what you might have to deal with before those feelings first arise most any advice would hardly make sense.

Most of us tell our kids the facts of life fairly early these days, but few of us are able to convey, without being disbelieved, the true facts of romance. And it is probably the facts of romance that are more important.

I presume that the approach, and the age, might have to be a bit different for boys and girls.
seth d.
Jan 31 09, 7:55 pm PST

47
I’ve loved the same woman for 42yrs. We have never been married. Nor have we slept together. We are married to others. I will never get over her and she is the only woman I have ever really loved. I even ran into her a few months ago and know the love is still there. But life does go on and things can always be worse. God has a plan and one day it will be clear to all of us. Sometimes when I an down in the dumps over her, I am reminded of a quote on Star Trek by Spock. It goes”sometimes having isnt necessarily quite as pleasing as wanting”
vikram parmar

Jan 31 09, 9:26 pm PST

48
thanks a ton…
it may help a lot.
Bill
Feb 01 09, 12:30 am PST

49
I can 100% endorse this article because it is exactly, 100%, how I got over my ex-gf. I was on the “receiving end.”
Nahid

Feb 01 09, 12:48 pm PST

50
Wow! this conveys such a powerful message. I was really inspired.

Not only great content but beautifully done as well with pictures, suggestions, quotations and instructions.
Anthony
Feb 02 09, 12:49 am PST

51
Hello! I am 48 years old and I just “came out” on September 13, 2008. I had a breaking point in my life and saw everyone else living their lives and loving and breaking up and all that goes with it that I wanted to be apart of all that drama of LIFE. I did not allow myself to act on my homosexual tendencies because I listened to Religion and Society and I thought that it was wrong.

But the day I had my breaking point, I screamed out loud to God and said okay I surrender! I will be what you want me to be. And I fell to my hands and knees and a pair of arms reached down and placed a crown upon my head a voice spoke to me and said, “Well done.” “This is my gift to you. It’s always been here for you. This is what I want for you to have. This is what you have to do. This is your purpose. Now that you have accepted it. Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Love it. Learn it. And use it.”
In a moment all that was burdening me and making me feel heavy and low was now all gone.
The struggle was over and my journey can now go forward.

“With this gift you will gain knowledge. Wisdom is yours. Many gifts and talents will be given to you, soon. But first, know your gift. Understand that this is from me and that I love you. And chose you above all to be with me and spend all eternity with me.”

8 days later I found myself loving me and accepting me. There is nothing wrong with me at all. I am alive and capable of loving another human being. I can now go out and do the Lord’s will. With this I got my calling. And now I am abiding in the call that was given me. He made me a counselor, teacher, guide, and a warrior of Truth.
He said: ” You will meet people along the way who are just like you. You are not alone. I am with you always. You will meet fellow servants and will share and encourage each other and love each other and know that you are part of me.”

Today is February 2, 2009 and I am on my second relationship and all that was mentioned in this article was given to me in the first relationship. When it ended, I was crushed, but almost instinctively I knew inside what to do. It was difficult in the very beginning, but time heals all wounds. I found the life lessons in that first relationships and learned and now I must go forward. I still love him. Because I forgave him sincerely with all of my heart. He was “my” teacher. And I am glad for that. I know now what to look out for and what I don’t want to happen to me.

My second relationship came one day and a half after the first one broke. Yes. That fast. Well, he had met me and wanted to go out with me, but I told him that I was involved with someone else right now and I couldn’t do that to him or myself. He understood. He gave me his number and said, “Call me please. If it doesn’t work out call me and let’s see what happens.” 2 days later I made that call. We had our first date and it’s been over a month now since we began and we are still going strong. NOTE: I had known of him through my place of business and I thought how cute he was and only fantasized about being with him. Some fantasize do come true!
Mona

Feb 02 09, 12:42 pm PST

52
wow, fabulous article! so true…thanks for sharing (:
Uzma
Feb 05 09, 12:52 pm PST

53
Gorgeous. . Your article is just beautiful. And indeed, as it is said ,’ love is lost’, only its love one has for the self.

It is somehow the best way to grow personally and uncover limiting beliefs. The best way is to do things that you love, with yourself. Walks, movies, poems, roses, balloons, for yourself.

Complete acceptance does lead to complete love. And love always attracts love.

God bless and love and beauty always
Tony

Feb 08 09, 7:14 am PST

54
The idea of loving your ex-partner is..good (I think). We all tend to hold grudges, especially when the break up is bad, but when we do, it poisons us inside. It takes time, but when it happens, everything just gets better.

Love your post.
Miona
Feb 18 09, 4:58 pm PST

55
Thanks for this article, it gave me comfort. My boyfriend broke up with me only today. I’m still kind of numb, but I anticipate a dark, pain-filled period ahead and this gave me hope.
Frank Wong

Feb 22 09, 5:39 am PST

56
Hi Tina,

Just like old man said, what you already have/own today is only for temporary, should be gone someday. We do not know that we are the one who gone away first or the one that we love.

Overall, everytime I read your post I feel energized or get new ideas on it. Thanks to you.
Thom

Mar 06 09, 8:12 am PST

57
Fantastic, well written! I came across a short little story that helped with the “letting go” part.

http://www.vijayforvictory.com/2007/08/put-the-glass-down/

Sometimes we over complicate things and forget that its just that simple.

I also like the analysis you give of “why do i feel…how…and why does that affect me?”
warcraft gold

Mar 11 09, 3:58 am PDT

58
Great article. For sure this would help brokenhearted fellas, but I would like cite that the most important thing is acceptance.
Aldrin
Mar 11 09, 4:04 am PDT

59
Great article. What is your zodiac sign, are you Pisces? You seem sensitive.

For sure this would help brokenhearted fellas, but I would like cite that the most important thing is acceptance. Losing partner has never been easy just like grinding warcraft gold or playing any video games, which gives you a hard time.
Vrishali
Mar 15 09, 9:25 pm PDT

60
I like the way you said it is the love that we have within ourselves and nobody is giving anything to anybody. It is all about you. as always been.
I had realized this whole part and is still sitting in my journal, I felt like you just copied my thoughts. then, I am thinking maybe I can also start blogging as I have got plenty of other things in my journal which can help people. But I am not too confident on how it can be part of my income like it is yours.
Meg
Mar 25 09, 8:24 pm PDT

61
This article is related to a few posts I read on postsecret. A lot of those posts have to deal with relationships and heartbreak. I think this is a good article and I like that the writer is saying that people have to learn how to let go and love themselves. I believe that is important for both getting into a relationship or learning how to let go of one. Everyone has gone through a break-up at one time or another and I think it’s important that people try to move on in a healthy way.
Flavia
Apr 01 09, 3:35 am PDT

62
I do not know if I am the best person to comment on this topic, I have broken up with my ex about a month, it was a nasty event resulting in the police being involved. I have finished hating him, but now I am at a stage of remembering how much I loved him for the good times and the good things in him, it is his birthday first approaching and it hurts like a million, trillion stabbings. I guess I reached the stage of loving someone with all your heart evenif they are not with them. I do not know if our paths will ver cross gain, but the pain will go right???
Amanda
Apr 20 09, 4:20 am PDT

63
I know this article would be useful to me someday. It will be really useful now.
Vibz
Jul 22 09, 5:14 pm PDT

64
Thank you so much for this ……….
canali
Oct 05 09, 3:50 pm PDT

65
Re: ”love your partner”…at best idealistic and dangerous too…what is your ex was a narcissist….or a very abusive person? best to see things as they are and move on with total NC.
Rajiv
Oct 21 09, 8:54 pm PDT

66
The first part is fantastic. The second part, 7 ways, is theory. I find it is very unrealistic to keep loving someone who has dumped you, specially if it has been done bit rudely or after using the relationship for some time or for some other self fish reason. The tips are also very weak. My keep loving or admiring the Ex one only ends up sticking more to the pain unless one is spiritually very matured or goes into spritual path intensly. Same goes for writing a journal

My ex was someone else”s ex. She met me when she was goes through her parting pain. Soon we became beloveds and in her words I was able to reset her. It continued for a year and we went on dates regularly. Then when she was emotionally stable she started looking around. Even started telling me that we dont have the level of chemistry that her previous Ex had and so on. Finally she asked me if we can just be good friends. When I went into pain, she stopped answering my mails and finally calls on the pretext that she is very busy and will catch up later. In the mean time she started calling our other friends regularly to prove god knows what.

One point that you have not touched is the hurt on ego. To be walked over hits so bloody hard on ego, specially to matured men that
at times one feels like taking revenge by pranks. One feels rejected and remains gloomy or worthless. This further shows up on face and you cant attract any new relation as the humour and cherrfulness is missing.

I would need a more effective way. I think one of the trick is to find someone new if one is lucky.

Kindly advice me as I am going through this very intensly and it is affecting my performance at work and my health.

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How to Get Over a Failed Relationship - Constructed - Jan 29 09
Dugg News » Blog Archive » How to Deal with Being Dumped - Jan 31 09
Spuds Has A Blog » Blog Archive » More on ‘links’… - Jan 31 09
Breathe, Now smell this… | .the princess portal. - Feb 07 09
Bumping into a Chief Happiness Officer - Feb 12 09
How To Get Over Breakups - Aug 10 09

Think Simple Now. A Blog on Creativity, Productivity, and Happiness.

How to Get Over Breakups

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Personal Story: The Gift of “Love Lost”

The Origins of Love and Pain

A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom

7 Tips for Healing

Parting Words

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